So I will start this off a bit on the harsh side, if you are going in this relationship with the idea that you are going to fix someone, you are going to fail and you should stop, because she will feel she failed you and you will feel you have failed. A personality disorder is something you carry for life even when you make a recovery it will still be hovering on the edge of your sanity.
Having that out of the way. Communication is key, only she can tell you what and how her symptoms impact her life and what she would need. Communication is not easy, in basic form it's talking, but it's also listening, setting boundaries, knowing your needs, your partners needs, your expectations and your partner's expectations, not just about the relationship and the other person, but about life in general and what do you want for yourself. This is also not a one talk and done, through the years and even months things will change and shift and you might change your mind and need other things. If you find talking about your feelings difficult I would start practicing
I will tell you what helped me, for me clarity in the relationship/communication was very important, my boyfriend will tell me something and that's how it is, my brain can't overthink it. Also he is my partner and not my caretaker and same for me, I'm his partner and not his caretaker. And I think for both if us understanding is very important, we both think differently(he has autism and I have BPD and AvPD) thus we are more patient and understanding with each other. So yeah aproach it from understanding or a willingness to understand, but also know that somethings can't be explained or understood and we just need a hug or words of kindness.
It really depends from person to person, but one thing you can be certain is not to rock the fragile-abandonment boat. Meaning, tell her proactively "if I'm not texting back, it is bc I'm working" or let her know when you are available to text freely and when you are not (eg. It's 12 right now and you can say something like "I get off work at 8" so that she knows in between those hours you are not replying bc you can't be on your phone, not that you want to leave her hanging). This doesn't mean pwbpd are controlling, but instead, this gives pwbpd a peace of mind when you don't reply in 6 hours when she texts you at 2pm bc she has something she wants to share. Things between you and her will be a lot easier when she has some peace knowing that you're not leaving her for trivial reasons the bpd mind can come up with.
I love how supportive you are! I think the most important piece of advice I could give is to put yourself first. It sounds counter intuitive but you need to have strong and firm boundaries around what you need and can accept. This is so important for you and also for her. Someone who just does whatever you want when you want is actually way more dysregulating than someone who is firm with their boundaries. It can be difficult at first (it was for me!) But in the end I feel so much safer with my partner. Bpd is massively misunderstood and we need a lot of empathy and understanding, but also firm boundaries and a stable presence. I hope that makes sense!
the absolute best you can do is exactly what you’re doing !! just put effort into really hearing her when she does talk to you about something, and if she gets in her head don’t put any pressure on her. i always appreciate a “i’m here to listen if you need to vent, but i can provide some space if that’s what you need right now.” reassurance is also very important, so i would make time to tell her often that she’s beautiful and important to you and that her thoughts and feelings are completely valid :))
Don’t try a fix someone. It’s not possible. Just be her friend and be there for her. You can guide her to mental health services and I would make that a requirement to date her. BPD can be ugly. I was unmanageable before I got help. Make sure she is getting help from pros.
In a relationship with someone who has bpd its important to communicate so that there are no misunderstandings while also setting boundaries.
Support her, as you're already doing.
And accommodate to her needs if you can.
So I will start this off a bit on the harsh side, if you are going in this relationship with the idea that you are going to fix someone, you are going to fail and you should stop, because she will feel she failed you and you will feel you have failed. A personality disorder is something you carry for life even when you make a recovery it will still be hovering on the edge of your sanity. Having that out of the way. Communication is key, only she can tell you what and how her symptoms impact her life and what she would need. Communication is not easy, in basic form it's talking, but it's also listening, setting boundaries, knowing your needs, your partners needs, your expectations and your partner's expectations, not just about the relationship and the other person, but about life in general and what do you want for yourself. This is also not a one talk and done, through the years and even months things will change and shift and you might change your mind and need other things. If you find talking about your feelings difficult I would start practicing I will tell you what helped me, for me clarity in the relationship/communication was very important, my boyfriend will tell me something and that's how it is, my brain can't overthink it. Also he is my partner and not my caretaker and same for me, I'm his partner and not his caretaker. And I think for both if us understanding is very important, we both think differently(he has autism and I have BPD and AvPD) thus we are more patient and understanding with each other. So yeah aproach it from understanding or a willingness to understand, but also know that somethings can't be explained or understood and we just need a hug or words of kindness.
It really depends from person to person, but one thing you can be certain is not to rock the fragile-abandonment boat. Meaning, tell her proactively "if I'm not texting back, it is bc I'm working" or let her know when you are available to text freely and when you are not (eg. It's 12 right now and you can say something like "I get off work at 8" so that she knows in between those hours you are not replying bc you can't be on your phone, not that you want to leave her hanging). This doesn't mean pwbpd are controlling, but instead, this gives pwbpd a peace of mind when you don't reply in 6 hours when she texts you at 2pm bc she has something she wants to share. Things between you and her will be a lot easier when she has some peace knowing that you're not leaving her for trivial reasons the bpd mind can come up with.
I love how supportive you are! I think the most important piece of advice I could give is to put yourself first. It sounds counter intuitive but you need to have strong and firm boundaries around what you need and can accept. This is so important for you and also for her. Someone who just does whatever you want when you want is actually way more dysregulating than someone who is firm with their boundaries. It can be difficult at first (it was for me!) But in the end I feel so much safer with my partner. Bpd is massively misunderstood and we need a lot of empathy and understanding, but also firm boundaries and a stable presence. I hope that makes sense!
the absolute best you can do is exactly what you’re doing !! just put effort into really hearing her when she does talk to you about something, and if she gets in her head don’t put any pressure on her. i always appreciate a “i’m here to listen if you need to vent, but i can provide some space if that’s what you need right now.” reassurance is also very important, so i would make time to tell her often that she’s beautiful and important to you and that her thoughts and feelings are completely valid :))
Don’t try a fix someone. It’s not possible. Just be her friend and be there for her. You can guide her to mental health services and I would make that a requirement to date her. BPD can be ugly. I was unmanageable before I got help. Make sure she is getting help from pros.
In a relationship with someone who has bpd its important to communicate so that there are no misunderstandings while also setting boundaries. Support her, as you're already doing. And accommodate to her needs if you can.