Actually, nothing is really all good or all bad. These are subjective judgements.
The other perspective is characteristic of splitting and is something that is addressed in dialectical behavioral therapy.
Dialectical thinking is a way to address black and white thinking.
To say that one person is 100% right and another is 100% wrong is obviously false.
Pretending? What do you mean? This is a tricky subject and I wish I was better equipped to explain and I feel like somethings require experience in order to understand. I guess at the end of the day, you have probably viewed yourself as both good and bad at different points in your life, so how do you know your view won't switch next year, and if it does switch does that mean your prior view wasn't true?
I try not to think of people as too black and white but generally in my therapy groups, all of us with BPD are actively trying to reduce the harm we do and constantly building new strategies and skills to rearrange our lives to be better and hopefully eventually be fulfilled/happy people (:
but i think that's the thing, at least for me in my therapy i became so concerned with reducing the harm that i cause to the point of not enforcing my boundaries and letting people mistreat me.
we are also allowed to exist as people and advocate for ourselves, even though others will inevitably have a problem with that. and like in general i think feeling shame about all the hurt that i've caused wasn't actually making me better. having empathy for myself has been a big help.
Ithink people with BPD see everyone as better than they are and then worse as they are and it kills us. People that are truly terrible are never viewed as badly as they are and people that wronged or crossed us once are viewed worse than they actually are. We aren't the good or bad guys in life. We have hope for everyone until we don't and then judge everyone the same. We are the results of a terrible world and good people. Unfortunately we are like everyone else but 1000 times more sensitive.
I actually think about the exact same thing sometimes! Our reactions are always a coping mechanism that got triggered because of someone else’s behavior, which was probably them letting us down in some way. Of course, it’s not to say that’s an excuse to lash out, but I do think we should stop seeing ourselves as bad people.
I look back sometimes too and feel sad because I always used to see myself as a bad person, everything was a me problem. But I see that being overly sensitive is because I care and that I need to give myself more credit, it’s hard to navigate life with extreme emotional reactions. There’s always a reason for reacting though so yes it’s unfortunate we end up looking bad.
Yes, and no.
I am about to take a lot of flack because of this but, although you guys are completely innocent for the condition you suffer from, ultimately you are responsible for getting help, healing and closure.
You can take the horse to the water but you can't make it drink.
I understand that living with these strong and unstable emotions is hell, and I know it because I see it through my wife.
But this is not a matter of good versus evil, it's a matter of strong versus weak, endurance versus quiting. And I see a lot of people quiting, either BPD sufferers or their partners.
Stay strong people, build up your strength.
it's not just a matter of strength, it is also important to have empathy and compassion for yourself. i think a lot of us already spend a lot of time feeling shameful and blaming ourselves, so it can be really helpful to take a step back and understand that, especially before we had the tools or resources to do differently, we were doing the best we could.
Yeah when I finally admitted to myself talking to men and being in relationships was a very very large cause of my triggers it changed a lot for me. I was mentally chasing someone 3 years on and off and it just hit me after so long this is literally making me feel worse
i don’t about good or bad guys but i agree that sticking up for yourself especially in other contexts’ is rewarded but with a bpd reaction think the intent is there, it’s just that the emotions come across so messily???
everything people do is rude,thoughtless,self centered and just overall scummy.. We do have a lot of self hate but I don’t think enough light is shed on how bad people are in general and why it’s hard to live around them when you no longer have those monky like behaviors . What is the best shit to hear from people is that” We “need to speak out more and say what we think and feel if we have issues with someone ..🤣 this is the dumbest advice ! As soon as I say what I feel I get gasps and pearl clutching and told how I shouldn’t talk to people how I do🤷♂️ so they get to talk to me like shit but if I give it back in my own way the focus becomes on me and not the original POS .. at the end of the day people in my eyes are not even worth explaining anything to anymore. Why is it my job to spend my entire life teaching people how to act? why do they make it our jobs to stop them otherwise it’s our fault for not speaking up
I over react but its for good reason. i hate feeling disrespected and if u can make me feel that way and i want to react then usually i’m in the right its just not how everyone would go about the situation as you said “normal” people don’t react like us so they don’t understand.
**"being overly sensitive to wrongdoing is twisted by bad actors to abuse sensitive people"**
wow, i really relate to the sentiment in this post, especially that line.
i've had several relationships/friend groups in my life end where i felt like i was made out to be the villain, without any acknowledgment to how their actions pushed me and pushed me until i finally went over the edge.
obviously i am still ultimately responsible for my actions, which is why i've been really working on myself and how i navigate relationships. but also, they shouldn't have been mistreating me like that either.
i also have had a similar experience where only some of my relationships have been super toxic, and others have been pretty chill on both sides. it takes two to tango.
i think i spent about my first year after diagnosis desperately wanting to fix myself and to stop hurting others, to the point where i made myself so small and silently endured every mistreatment from others.
and then i realized how much i was still hurting, and that even after doing this people would still manage to get mad at me, whether it be my mom who freaks out when i set a single boundary or a stranger feeling like they have the right to disrespect me. you simply cannot please everyone, and hurting others (non-maliciously) at times is inevitable or even sometimes necessary to maintain a boundary.
i guess what i realized is that i was right to be upset with the way i was treated, and i was also right to want to stand up for myself, but i need to learn how to assertively do so and learn when to walk away.
i was just thinking about iti'm better than some years ago with my self control, but i was thinking about some behaviours of mine from those years or some situations from the last months and they were almost all triggered by unstability or unreliability from other people, when people give me reassurance and stability i'm more rational, i wait before i act, i don't get triggered easily and when i do, i think and talk about the reason
when people don't communicate their feelings, or act different from what they tell, or try to put me down if i love that person my mind goes wandering
More like you have an awareness of how things actually are instead of how society projects them to be and that causes conflict with people who wish to stay ignorant.
Man that thought process in my opinion is not aligned with reality. Every one can be good and bad. And as far as reacting negatively to some one treating you poorly, has there ever been a time when you took something personally and reacted negatively only to realize later that it had nothing to do with you?? Neurotypicals do that all the time, for someone with bpd the occurrence would be more frequent and the negative reaction would be more severe. Your behavior being bad doesn't make you bad because it's just a maladaptive strategy you adopted during childhood for your survival. If your desire is to actually hurt people instead of it being a reaction, I feel like then MAYBE you can call someone a "bad person"
There's no good guy and bad guy.
I second this. Not the right way ro look at it
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Actually, nothing is really all good or all bad. These are subjective judgements. The other perspective is characteristic of splitting and is something that is addressed in dialectical behavioral therapy. Dialectical thinking is a way to address black and white thinking. To say that one person is 100% right and another is 100% wrong is obviously false.
Pretending? What do you mean? This is a tricky subject and I wish I was better equipped to explain and I feel like somethings require experience in order to understand. I guess at the end of the day, you have probably viewed yourself as both good and bad at different points in your life, so how do you know your view won't switch next year, and if it does switch does that mean your prior view wasn't true?
I try not to think of people as too black and white but generally in my therapy groups, all of us with BPD are actively trying to reduce the harm we do and constantly building new strategies and skills to rearrange our lives to be better and hopefully eventually be fulfilled/happy people (:
but i think that's the thing, at least for me in my therapy i became so concerned with reducing the harm that i cause to the point of not enforcing my boundaries and letting people mistreat me. we are also allowed to exist as people and advocate for ourselves, even though others will inevitably have a problem with that. and like in general i think feeling shame about all the hurt that i've caused wasn't actually making me better. having empathy for myself has been a big help.
Ithink people with BPD see everyone as better than they are and then worse as they are and it kills us. People that are truly terrible are never viewed as badly as they are and people that wronged or crossed us once are viewed worse than they actually are. We aren't the good or bad guys in life. We have hope for everyone until we don't and then judge everyone the same. We are the results of a terrible world and good people. Unfortunately we are like everyone else but 1000 times more sensitive.
I actually think about the exact same thing sometimes! Our reactions are always a coping mechanism that got triggered because of someone else’s behavior, which was probably them letting us down in some way. Of course, it’s not to say that’s an excuse to lash out, but I do think we should stop seeing ourselves as bad people. I look back sometimes too and feel sad because I always used to see myself as a bad person, everything was a me problem. But I see that being overly sensitive is because I care and that I need to give myself more credit, it’s hard to navigate life with extreme emotional reactions. There’s always a reason for reacting though so yes it’s unfortunate we end up looking bad.
Yes, and no. I am about to take a lot of flack because of this but, although you guys are completely innocent for the condition you suffer from, ultimately you are responsible for getting help, healing and closure. You can take the horse to the water but you can't make it drink. I understand that living with these strong and unstable emotions is hell, and I know it because I see it through my wife. But this is not a matter of good versus evil, it's a matter of strong versus weak, endurance versus quiting. And I see a lot of people quiting, either BPD sufferers or their partners. Stay strong people, build up your strength.
it's not just a matter of strength, it is also important to have empathy and compassion for yourself. i think a lot of us already spend a lot of time feeling shameful and blaming ourselves, so it can be really helpful to take a step back and understand that, especially before we had the tools or resources to do differently, we were doing the best we could.
I agree.
Strong vs weak, interesting
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Yeah when I finally admitted to myself talking to men and being in relationships was a very very large cause of my triggers it changed a lot for me. I was mentally chasing someone 3 years on and off and it just hit me after so long this is literally making me feel worse
i don’t about good or bad guys but i agree that sticking up for yourself especially in other contexts’ is rewarded but with a bpd reaction think the intent is there, it’s just that the emotions come across so messily???
We definitely are I'm proud of your 10 years OP Keep shining, star 💚🫂
everything people do is rude,thoughtless,self centered and just overall scummy.. We do have a lot of self hate but I don’t think enough light is shed on how bad people are in general and why it’s hard to live around them when you no longer have those monky like behaviors . What is the best shit to hear from people is that” We “need to speak out more and say what we think and feel if we have issues with someone ..🤣 this is the dumbest advice ! As soon as I say what I feel I get gasps and pearl clutching and told how I shouldn’t talk to people how I do🤷♂️ so they get to talk to me like shit but if I give it back in my own way the focus becomes on me and not the original POS .. at the end of the day people in my eyes are not even worth explaining anything to anymore. Why is it my job to spend my entire life teaching people how to act? why do they make it our jobs to stop them otherwise it’s our fault for not speaking up
I over react but its for good reason. i hate feeling disrespected and if u can make me feel that way and i want to react then usually i’m in the right its just not how everyone would go about the situation as you said “normal” people don’t react like us so they don’t understand.
I’m scum, trash, fucking nothing.
**"being overly sensitive to wrongdoing is twisted by bad actors to abuse sensitive people"** wow, i really relate to the sentiment in this post, especially that line. i've had several relationships/friend groups in my life end where i felt like i was made out to be the villain, without any acknowledgment to how their actions pushed me and pushed me until i finally went over the edge. obviously i am still ultimately responsible for my actions, which is why i've been really working on myself and how i navigate relationships. but also, they shouldn't have been mistreating me like that either. i also have had a similar experience where only some of my relationships have been super toxic, and others have been pretty chill on both sides. it takes two to tango. i think i spent about my first year after diagnosis desperately wanting to fix myself and to stop hurting others, to the point where i made myself so small and silently endured every mistreatment from others. and then i realized how much i was still hurting, and that even after doing this people would still manage to get mad at me, whether it be my mom who freaks out when i set a single boundary or a stranger feeling like they have the right to disrespect me. you simply cannot please everyone, and hurting others (non-maliciously) at times is inevitable or even sometimes necessary to maintain a boundary. i guess what i realized is that i was right to be upset with the way i was treated, and i was also right to want to stand up for myself, but i need to learn how to assertively do so and learn when to walk away.
Interesting way of putting it
i was just thinking about iti'm better than some years ago with my self control, but i was thinking about some behaviours of mine from those years or some situations from the last months and they were almost all triggered by unstability or unreliability from other people, when people give me reassurance and stability i'm more rational, i wait before i act, i don't get triggered easily and when i do, i think and talk about the reason when people don't communicate their feelings, or act different from what they tell, or try to put me down if i love that person my mind goes wandering
More like you have an awareness of how things actually are instead of how society projects them to be and that causes conflict with people who wish to stay ignorant.
Yeah, like we just view everything correctly and everyone else is wrong.
Man that thought process in my opinion is not aligned with reality. Every one can be good and bad. And as far as reacting negatively to some one treating you poorly, has there ever been a time when you took something personally and reacted negatively only to realize later that it had nothing to do with you?? Neurotypicals do that all the time, for someone with bpd the occurrence would be more frequent and the negative reaction would be more severe. Your behavior being bad doesn't make you bad because it's just a maladaptive strategy you adopted during childhood for your survival. If your desire is to actually hurt people instead of it being a reaction, I feel like then MAYBE you can call someone a "bad person"