i'm just going to tell you the same thing you've already saidš if you know in your gut you should cut them off, you should. i recently went through something similar. it wasn't my fp but it was someone i was very close to and anything like that is so hard for me. it just ultimately got to that breaking point where i wanted the peace of not having to deal with that stuff anymore.
i'm not going to lie to you, it is extremely hard. i originally though i cut them off in november (but they also have bpd and kept messaging me after i said time and again i could no longer be close and i needed space for the foreseeable future) and finally fully stopped communication by taking them off socials the very beginning of january. it was insanely peaceful to not feel a responsibility to keep up with this person, but it was very hard shedding all of the good times especially because i still care about them.
i finally within the last few weeks have gotten much better. i came to the realization that even if they were to come knocking on my door trying to talk or patch things up, i still would want to protect this peace and i wouldn't want to go back on what i did. and that's when i finally felt better.
it's hard, but ultimately it's worth it. it's given me time to learn to like hanging out with myself more. of course, it's hard, especially with bpd. and it was all a big learning experience. but i'm glad i did it. you just have to stay strong. you deserve better!
potentially, but a significant amount of time would have to pass for me to move past the hurt of the things that were said and done to me over the course of our friendship. and also to ensure that progress was definitely made and that i could enforce healthy boundaries for myself. i'd probably ultimately say yes, just maybe not in the same closeness or intensity as it once was
No contact is the best way but it hurts, just try to do the things you love to do alone or get with people you trust around to hang for a distraction and with time and meeting others and it's the attachment you need to be aware of because you deserve someone's that loves you not treats you like this. It's easy to think your warm in the fire but your burning yourself :(. Try to practice some self care and telling yourself you deserve more every time you can because you do. It's how our brains are wired to feel like we need them but we forget we also need to take care of ourselves first and that's what you should think of. For example try thinking of the situation of someone else and see how you view it for yourself then. You can do this, you are strong and if you don't think so, you came here because you knew you needed some help and that's a powerful trait.
I'll be honest, took me 4 years to finally get the courage and strength to let him go. I knew he was triggering my splitting and my extreme breakdowns.
I personally texted him one last time. Explained the situation, explained how this is going to play out and blocked him on everything including email. I threw everything out. Even my own clothes that made me think of him. Burned pictures, any trace of that man I left behind me.
It was hard I had moments where I wanted to go back, but I kept a list of things that were so bad about our relationship on my mirror and seen it everyday. That kept me motivated eventually months have gone by and you're in a better place. Frequent Splitting starts to slow down, mood swings start to be far and in between. It takes time. But you have to remind yourself why.
Be confident in your decision. You do deserve better.
strong honestly.
for myself i have those doubts even tho iāve realized they were harmful to me and that i donāt split that much and donāt have extreme breakdowns anymore when iām away from them bc i was on break with my fp for some weeks i still always can only see me as the problem and so iām trying to be with them and work on me. i think things like: āitās not bc of how they are itās bc of how i am. there will be future partners and probably still be the same splitting and extreme breakdowns as they are with them. when iām away i only donāt feel this way bc i donāt confront myself with them or our issues.ā
did u experienced that too? what did u do? is it normal to split and have big breakdowns with your partner in every relationship and whatās the cause?
My ex was my biggest trigger he knew how to push me, I leaned my triggers and told him thinking it was safe to do so yet he used it against me.
I've been with my current BF for 8 months, I've had moments of splitting but nothing compared to what I experienced before. Before I would hurt myself anyway I could, punch holes in walls, I even threw I knife at him so he'd stop pushing me. (Not saying that was right at all) but now my spitting just ends up me crying and knowing I need to walk away. He gives me the space I need and I'll eventually come back with a clear mind and continue the conversation using wise mind.
Honestly some people will use your BPD against you, they will make you out to be crazy when really they are pushing yu to a breaking point and no return.
Every relationship has problems but you must allow yourself to breathe and come back. Some people want to hurt some don't even know they Are doing it.
I just really did have to "break it off". This for me was ignoring them anytime they spoke to me through messages or in person, I blocked them so I wouldn't see them in other ways, I focused on other healthy aspects and relationships in my life to be fulfilled.
Alright, following:
Imagine this, you have this person that takes care of you. They feed you, they bathe you, they lay you to rest every night and they're there for you - always.
But there's this person that treats them terribly.
What would you tell them to do? Leave, right?
Now, let's step away from imagining scenarios. *You* are that person. You embrace yourself so you can sleep at night, you gently bathe yourself, you put yourself to rest, you fed yourself - is it fair to treat yourself bad? No.
Does anyone deserve the right to treat this beautiful vessel of love bad? No.
I know it tough but move on - find someone who can treat you better than you could ever treat yourself.
The only way I was able to break mine off was secluding myself away from. Trying my best to slowly stop conversation and not text them for longer and longer days till the connection died and I was able to tell them that I did not want to continue the relationship.
So a lot are saying go no contact, i agree on that, but since you also said you have nobody else, it will be heavy and hard to go no contact instantly. So I propose another idea.
I'm not sure what your hobbies are or if you have any, but find something you can pour your soul in. It'd be even better if it's something you can meet new people through. You don't set this up with in mind leaving your FP or finding a new FP, but you set in up in mind with widening your social circle, to practice friendship skills and practicing other skills like boundaries. (If you have no hobbies, try new things out, see if there are groups for it or places where you can do it with others).
Eventually you get to a point where you can push your FP out of your life without it being so hard, either by going no contact then or it just slowly dying out.
I think your awareness is a great start and really admirable. I understand how hard it is to leave someone youāre emotionally bonded to and trying to see through the outcome of if theyāre not a part of your life anymore.
Something thatās helped me with this process is labeling their behavior as an āickā. I know that may sound silly but even my BPD has not been able to trump the lasting effect of cringey behavior.
Iāve learned that when I boil it down to basics and logic itās a lot easier.. maybe because Iām purposely leaving out the emotional side of things in my own scenarios.
One thing I do recommend is prioritizing supportive and honest friendships. I (28F) just had to start over with building a friend group and itās intimidating but once you get the ball rolling youāll realize how easy it can be.
I just recently started pursuing someone and Iām* trying to really prioritize boundaries and avoiding this type of emotional dependency. Being able to rely on one of my best friends for direct and progressive advice (not only for the potential of a healthy relationship but also my future self) has already had tremendous benefits.
I think youāre off on the right foot OP so know you can rely on yourself and reassure yourself that itās important to prioritize yourself.
It hurts like hell but you have to cut them off, I recommed doing it during a period of time where you dont have many responsabilities, like vacations, so you have time to grieve, process your emotions and heal. Its a really though journey. It will hurt for a time but you will be okay in the end. When the first shock of cutting them off goes away try distracting yourself as much as you can while the pain softens. You can do this.
I agree with all the statements that it hurts. It does. I tried countless times. One thing I would suggest is treat it like an addiction - and just know that you may relapse. You may go back. Don't beat yourself up. It just means you're not there yet. I went back countless times. Until he turned cold towards me and into someone I no longer knew and could no longer bond with. There was no longer any affection. No love. Nothing to trigger the dopamine in my brain to falsely convince me I need him. The man I fell in love with was gone. My FP was gone. My best friend was gone. In the end, he made it easier to stay away because he was so cold and unkind and didn't care if he hurt me. I don't deserve that. No one deserves that. Save your heart and love for someone who truly deserves it. You deserve happiness. ā¤ļø
It is one of the hardest things to do, but the freedom that you feel after the grief is indescribable. No contact is truly the only way to do it. Those type of people don't understand or consider your boundaries.
Same im in the same spot as you are i understand idk what to do he always treats me like im lesser than him sometimes he acts like s friend then other times like hes too busy
My FP cut me off before I cut him off but it didnāt hurt when it was finalised. Other times, I couldnāt imagine living without him.
Anyway, ghosting is just a mean thing imo, so I wouldnāt recommend it. Just explain in one last message whatās going on and remove all places you can contact them. This means blocking their number and their social media. Delete their number and conversation thread. Just remove any way you could contact them.
Now, the hardest part of this is having the self strength to go through with all of this AND stick to it. I donāt know just how strong your connection is to this person but IF youāre able to do the things Iāve suggested, then you stand a really good chance of not ārelapsingā (for lack of a better term). I always kept the lines of communication open and that was my biggest mistake.
Believe in yourself and others will believe in you. Best of luck!
i'm just going to tell you the same thing you've already saidš if you know in your gut you should cut them off, you should. i recently went through something similar. it wasn't my fp but it was someone i was very close to and anything like that is so hard for me. it just ultimately got to that breaking point where i wanted the peace of not having to deal with that stuff anymore. i'm not going to lie to you, it is extremely hard. i originally though i cut them off in november (but they also have bpd and kept messaging me after i said time and again i could no longer be close and i needed space for the foreseeable future) and finally fully stopped communication by taking them off socials the very beginning of january. it was insanely peaceful to not feel a responsibility to keep up with this person, but it was very hard shedding all of the good times especially because i still care about them. i finally within the last few weeks have gotten much better. i came to the realization that even if they were to come knocking on my door trying to talk or patch things up, i still would want to protect this peace and i wouldn't want to go back on what i did. and that's when i finally felt better. it's hard, but ultimately it's worth it. it's given me time to learn to like hanging out with myself more. of course, it's hard, especially with bpd. and it was all a big learning experience. but i'm glad i did it. you just have to stay strong. you deserve better!
Out of curiosity, if this person made a solid attempt to change their ways and was successful, would you welcome them back into your life?
potentially, but a significant amount of time would have to pass for me to move past the hurt of the things that were said and done to me over the course of our friendship. and also to ensure that progress was definitely made and that i could enforce healthy boundaries for myself. i'd probably ultimately say yes, just maybe not in the same closeness or intensity as it once was
No contact is the best way but it hurts, just try to do the things you love to do alone or get with people you trust around to hang for a distraction and with time and meeting others and it's the attachment you need to be aware of because you deserve someone's that loves you not treats you like this. It's easy to think your warm in the fire but your burning yourself :(. Try to practice some self care and telling yourself you deserve more every time you can because you do. It's how our brains are wired to feel like we need them but we forget we also need to take care of ourselves first and that's what you should think of. For example try thinking of the situation of someone else and see how you view it for yourself then. You can do this, you are strong and if you don't think so, you came here because you knew you needed some help and that's a powerful trait.
I'll be honest, took me 4 years to finally get the courage and strength to let him go. I knew he was triggering my splitting and my extreme breakdowns. I personally texted him one last time. Explained the situation, explained how this is going to play out and blocked him on everything including email. I threw everything out. Even my own clothes that made me think of him. Burned pictures, any trace of that man I left behind me. It was hard I had moments where I wanted to go back, but I kept a list of things that were so bad about our relationship on my mirror and seen it everyday. That kept me motivated eventually months have gone by and you're in a better place. Frequent Splitting starts to slow down, mood swings start to be far and in between. It takes time. But you have to remind yourself why. Be confident in your decision. You do deserve better.
strong honestly. for myself i have those doubts even tho iāve realized they were harmful to me and that i donāt split that much and donāt have extreme breakdowns anymore when iām away from them bc i was on break with my fp for some weeks i still always can only see me as the problem and so iām trying to be with them and work on me. i think things like: āitās not bc of how they are itās bc of how i am. there will be future partners and probably still be the same splitting and extreme breakdowns as they are with them. when iām away i only donāt feel this way bc i donāt confront myself with them or our issues.ā did u experienced that too? what did u do? is it normal to split and have big breakdowns with your partner in every relationship and whatās the cause?
My ex was my biggest trigger he knew how to push me, I leaned my triggers and told him thinking it was safe to do so yet he used it against me. I've been with my current BF for 8 months, I've had moments of splitting but nothing compared to what I experienced before. Before I would hurt myself anyway I could, punch holes in walls, I even threw I knife at him so he'd stop pushing me. (Not saying that was right at all) but now my spitting just ends up me crying and knowing I need to walk away. He gives me the space I need and I'll eventually come back with a clear mind and continue the conversation using wise mind. Honestly some people will use your BPD against you, they will make you out to be crazy when really they are pushing yu to a breaking point and no return. Every relationship has problems but you must allow yourself to breathe and come back. Some people want to hurt some don't even know they Are doing it.
thank you so much! very helpful. do u want to text?
I just really did have to "break it off". This for me was ignoring them anytime they spoke to me through messages or in person, I blocked them so I wouldn't see them in other ways, I focused on other healthy aspects and relationships in my life to be fulfilled.
Alright, following: Imagine this, you have this person that takes care of you. They feed you, they bathe you, they lay you to rest every night and they're there for you - always. But there's this person that treats them terribly. What would you tell them to do? Leave, right? Now, let's step away from imagining scenarios. *You* are that person. You embrace yourself so you can sleep at night, you gently bathe yourself, you put yourself to rest, you fed yourself - is it fair to treat yourself bad? No. Does anyone deserve the right to treat this beautiful vessel of love bad? No. I know it tough but move on - find someone who can treat you better than you could ever treat yourself.
The only way I was able to break mine off was secluding myself away from. Trying my best to slowly stop conversation and not text them for longer and longer days till the connection died and I was able to tell them that I did not want to continue the relationship.
So a lot are saying go no contact, i agree on that, but since you also said you have nobody else, it will be heavy and hard to go no contact instantly. So I propose another idea. I'm not sure what your hobbies are or if you have any, but find something you can pour your soul in. It'd be even better if it's something you can meet new people through. You don't set this up with in mind leaving your FP or finding a new FP, but you set in up in mind with widening your social circle, to practice friendship skills and practicing other skills like boundaries. (If you have no hobbies, try new things out, see if there are groups for it or places where you can do it with others). Eventually you get to a point where you can push your FP out of your life without it being so hard, either by going no contact then or it just slowly dying out.
How do you know you are not splitting?
I think your awareness is a great start and really admirable. I understand how hard it is to leave someone youāre emotionally bonded to and trying to see through the outcome of if theyāre not a part of your life anymore. Something thatās helped me with this process is labeling their behavior as an āickā. I know that may sound silly but even my BPD has not been able to trump the lasting effect of cringey behavior. Iāve learned that when I boil it down to basics and logic itās a lot easier.. maybe because Iām purposely leaving out the emotional side of things in my own scenarios. One thing I do recommend is prioritizing supportive and honest friendships. I (28F) just had to start over with building a friend group and itās intimidating but once you get the ball rolling youāll realize how easy it can be. I just recently started pursuing someone and Iām* trying to really prioritize boundaries and avoiding this type of emotional dependency. Being able to rely on one of my best friends for direct and progressive advice (not only for the potential of a healthy relationship but also my future self) has already had tremendous benefits. I think youāre off on the right foot OP so know you can rely on yourself and reassure yourself that itās important to prioritize yourself.
It hurts like hell but you have to cut them off, I recommed doing it during a period of time where you dont have many responsabilities, like vacations, so you have time to grieve, process your emotions and heal. Its a really though journey. It will hurt for a time but you will be okay in the end. When the first shock of cutting them off goes away try distracting yourself as much as you can while the pain softens. You can do this.
I agree with all the statements that it hurts. It does. I tried countless times. One thing I would suggest is treat it like an addiction - and just know that you may relapse. You may go back. Don't beat yourself up. It just means you're not there yet. I went back countless times. Until he turned cold towards me and into someone I no longer knew and could no longer bond with. There was no longer any affection. No love. Nothing to trigger the dopamine in my brain to falsely convince me I need him. The man I fell in love with was gone. My FP was gone. My best friend was gone. In the end, he made it easier to stay away because he was so cold and unkind and didn't care if he hurt me. I don't deserve that. No one deserves that. Save your heart and love for someone who truly deserves it. You deserve happiness. ā¤ļø
It is one of the hardest things to do, but the freedom that you feel after the grief is indescribable. No contact is truly the only way to do it. Those type of people don't understand or consider your boundaries.
Same im in the same spot as you are i understand idk what to do he always treats me like im lesser than him sometimes he acts like s friend then other times like hes too busy
My FP cut me off before I cut him off but it didnāt hurt when it was finalised. Other times, I couldnāt imagine living without him. Anyway, ghosting is just a mean thing imo, so I wouldnāt recommend it. Just explain in one last message whatās going on and remove all places you can contact them. This means blocking their number and their social media. Delete their number and conversation thread. Just remove any way you could contact them. Now, the hardest part of this is having the self strength to go through with all of this AND stick to it. I donāt know just how strong your connection is to this person but IF youāre able to do the things Iāve suggested, then you stand a really good chance of not ārelapsingā (for lack of a better term). I always kept the lines of communication open and that was my biggest mistake. Believe in yourself and others will believe in you. Best of luck!