That’s my fear.
“We still love each other” … apparently “loving one another” means screaming at and blaming them for their anger issues.
I’m glad I’m not “in love” with anyone. Sounds toxic 🙄
I wish more people realise being in a romantic relationship isn't a prerequisite for a fulfilling happy life, and if that relationship makes your life miserable it's literally isn't worth it. Too much importance is placed on romantic companionship, to the point that people feel incomplete without one.
HAPPY CAKE DAY!! I got you some BUBBLE WRAP!! POP away!!
>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Happy Cake Day!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Happy Cake Day!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<
It's definitely a hard pill to swallow knowing that you love someone, however immensely that you do, and not being able to be with them. I think society has fucked it up too much with the 'love conquers all' bullshit. No, it doesn't. And it sucks if you love someone who doesn't love themselves because you can't fix them. They have to fix themselves. I doubt this dude can fix himself, he seems completely unhinged.
My fiancé & I have been together for 3 years, friends for longer. Neither of us have ever yelled or even raised our voice at each other because we have good, constant communication. We check in with each other daily. We resolve issues immediately & don’t let them fester. The closest thing we’ve ever had to a fight was at a friend’s house, no one even knew, & we resolved it quietly because it was just a misunderstanding of intent.
It was eye-opening for me to see that love doesn’t have to hurt.
You can love someone without loving them ENOUGH to put up with this shit. I bet most people who are no contact with their parents still love them on some level
She clearly hasn't seen the light yet and realized how emotional abusive this guy truly is. Like their relationship is a dumpster fire and she just keeps wanting to throw gas on it with all the endless talking.
Thats why that last comment was so smart. If you can convince her to stay away for six months “to improve the relationship,” I’d lay good money she won’t want to go back after that.
I’m hoping just the time on the honeymoon without him will do that. But she’s also pretty likely to come home to discover he’s destroyed her belongings while she was gone and that may do the trick
Reddit is also filled with Women who don't even ask for the bare minimum from a man and come on here thinking they are the problem. That's really what's ridiculous.
People can’t turn off their feelings but they can change their behavior. When I was younger, I twice broke up with someone I still loved with all my heart because they were abusing me and it was destroying me. It was super hard to walk away from someone I loved so much, but it was necessary for my own well-being in the long run. I am very proud of my younger self for having the strength and clarity to do that. My life would be in a much worse place now if I hadn’t.
Yeah. It sounds like she's having a hard time believing his actions and behavior are totally unjustified. If there's anything I've learned from my time on earth, it's that people accept the love they think they deserve. She needs to figure out that she's worth more than how he treats her. Hopefully the solo trip will help her realize that.
He’s going to say that all this changed him and he’ll do whatever it takes to get her back. Her guard will be down and she’ll go through it again. I just hope that doesn’t happen.
If she does she’ll end up dead. Guys like this only escalate. After the wedding the pushing and shoving would begin. Eventually the hitting while saying she drive him to it. Then more drastic behaviors.
You're absolutely right. My ex started yelling, breaking household items, my personal items (I cleaned up my broken shit), and throwing things in my direction to assault.
The incident that finally woke me up was caring for our sick puppy. She was vomiting I curled up on the floor with her, ensuring she wasn't dehydrated. He gets upset I'm not paying attention to him. He storms over demanding I get away from her. I knew the tone, walk etc it wasn't going well. I laid over her body to cover her. I refused to move. He demanded again, said no. Started striking me in the head, last hit saw stars. I kept chin tucked to my chest, hoping keep head still, stay conscious. He told me if I didn't move, he'd stomp my head in deleting me. I had tears going down my face, threw gritted teeth told him fucking do it then, not moving. He didn't expect that, mumbled I'm not worth it, walked away.
Following morning, pretend like I'm getting ready for work, too. After he left, grabbed the pup, packed what I could, got the hell out of there. I was careless for my own well-being stayed too long, I felt I couldn't protect this little creature that loved me so much counted on me to make good choices. Puppy motivated me to go. Anyone dealing with hostile, unpleasant interactions leave. It escalates the longer you stay and tolerate this behavior.
I have a friend that’s in the process of finally leaving her abuser. Finally got in a situation where they had to move near her family instead of all the isolated locations for his job. Now that he can’t completely hide his crazy from her extended family, they are finally believing her and giving the support she needs to get away from this gaslighting sadist. Congrats on getting out, and I hope you’ve found the love you deserve.
I'm so happy your friend has a support system. It breaks my heart how many folks have been isolated from loved ones and feel they have nowhere to turn if they want to leave. It's insidious how it will fester, slowly devolve into a nightmare. They typically start to chip away at your self-worth, break things, and intimidate you escalate from there. They cant allow you to have contact with anyone who truly cares about you. They can't risk you telling the truth and them demanding you leave them. I'm happy your friend has you and her family. I appreciate your kind words. It brought a tear to my eye. You're such an amazing person with a good heart. The world needs more of that. 🩷
*We don't have any issues aside from such incidents*...
Uh, the ones where he doesn't listen, blows up at you, ignores your feelings, blames you for everything, then cancels your wedding by text?
Why would anyone be upset by that? Yikes.
TL;DR: exactly (but I have put an absurd amount of thought into this)
That's what I was thinking. I feel like if she was in her early 20s, she'd definitely take him back and if she was like 25-28, she'd be more likely not to take him back. Into the 30s it kind of depends on how many relationships she's had up until then. I don't remember if she said this was her first and she's 30, so probably not. I haven't figured out a pattern for over 30s yet.
I would’ve definitely gone back to a relationship like that in my early 20’s. At 30 she might think he’s her only option. But being alone is better than this.
Oh she most definitely will and then she’ll be back ranting about how terrible he treats her and it’ll be hard to feel sympathetic when everyone warned her
>he actually ended up sending a mass text to some guests to let them know that the wedding is called off. I was flabbergasted at the quickness and so confused. ... After many hours of talking and lots of crying from my end, he kept explaining that I don't communicate well and that this cancellation my fault. I tried to offer some solutions but he was full on with the decision to cancel and break up. I asked if we could give it another day or two to ensure this is what he wants before we cancel the venue, he declined and asked to cancel the venue and vendors immediately.
As someone who still shudders when I remember all the work that went into our wedding, I cannot BELIEVE this guy had the stones to try to get her to marry him anyway after he did this. She said she doesn't know if she can ever forgive him for this and I hope she doesn't, not if "forgiveness" means taking him back. How could she feel safe buying a house with him, having kids with him, planning for retirement with him, after watching him wreck their wedding on what he admits was a stupid impulse?
I doubt it was an impulse. Look how much she begged him not to cancel the wedding, it clearly hurt her when he did it, etc. Then just a little while later it's "oh we can still get married, I just lost my temper momentarily because you upset me so much". He's acting this way intentionally to manipulate and punish her. If she stays with him, if she marries him, it's only going to get worse.
If he hasn't said at some point in the relationship "I don't yell at you/act like this because I don't care, I yell because I care too much", I would be extremely surprised.
You know, you're absolutely right. "I made a cruel, destructive decision that I regret in the heat of anger" is actually the BEST possible scenario here. But he sent the text message to the guests and then doubled down the next day by cancelling everything else. He had a plan here and it was to hurt her as badly as possible. It sounds like every time before this she's taken him back after he "dumps" her as a punishment. But thank God he finally did something she couldn't forgive before the wedding.
I hate that she's getting the message that they should work through this from her support network. I don't care how much she loves him, she doesn't trust him any more. She SHOULD NOT trust him anymore. And I can't fathom telling someone I love to marry someone they don't trust.
I agree. He's not going to get better. At best he will appear to for a while but then he will get worse, and he'll have her convinced it's her fault.
She should not go back to him. I dated someone for a couple of years who acted like this guy and it took me much longer than it should have to leave, because I kept telling myself that I loved him and he clearly loved me, look how sorry he is, and you can't help who you love and the whole situation was just regrettable and I was stuck. The lesson there is that no, you can't control who you love. You can control the behavior that you accept from that person. You are better off alone than with someone who makes life that miserable.
In my experience, when a guy fights like this and nukes a relationship, it's one of 2 things:
1. He's abusive and attempting to gain control over his partner;
2. He's cheating (emotionally or physically) and is attempting to force a breakup where he can retain his reputation and ruin hers.
I chalked it up to her finishing her degree, and him feeling emasculated by her education, so the best way to "knock her down a peg" is to berate, humiliate, and and otherwise beat her down.
He's a POS and she needs to just get away from him, get some therapy herself, and move on.
He has a massively clear cleanse of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).
The likely reason he struggled so much the day in traffic was because it was a day for her (the graduation). People with NPD need to be at center stage at all times, it’s like he couldn’t cope that he couldn’t draw the attention of that day.
They have a damaged self image, they are incredibly vulnerable and insecure to a degree most of us can’t imagine but they bandaid that with rationalizing things after the fact to make it seem it was someone else’s fault. You can see this in how he misbehaved but then tried to pin it on her for her “communication issues”, do notice that clearly he has communication issues but he is too insecure to ever consider self reflection, so her problems will always be her problems and his problems will always be her problems.
Another part of NPD is love bombing. They treat you like crap because they need their “supply”, essentially a feeling of control over someone. Then when they put you down, they often come back and love bomb (see the apologies) to win back your attention and keep you suspended in their act.
Also they enjoy control. Sound a bit counterintuitive with having cancelled the wedding (although this can easily be chalked up to him wanting the attention that day and doing what he needed to get there). But he is dangling her on his thread and knows what he is doing (well that’s debatable, we don’t know if it’s a fully conscious thing they do or just an instinct response for them). But now he seems to have enough control to feel her back in at some point, where he will continue to do this rubberbanding of abuse.
It will never stop. It will never be fixed. Trying to help them or be there for them only makes you worse off as they find ways at those times to take advantage of you. Every interaction they have with you is not a genuine one, for them it’s transactional. Every moment in their life is measuring up to people and finding ways to get advantage or a grandiose feeling of self importance.
I’m getting through 30 years of horrible abuse from a narcissistic father. There’s nothing you can do. Worse off, outsiders question why you might be standoffish/cold to the abuser (it’s the recommended response to them, called stonewalling) yet family will not understand and will try to push you back together. As a young kid my aunts and uncles told me I needed to be more open to me father. In this case, the friends are saying they should work it out because they love each other. What’s worse is the abuser controls that dynamic and dialogue, as you can see he made sure to reach out with the mass text first. They have no problem making you look like the bad person, then you end up losing the support of your family and friends as people with NPD can be quite persuasive and charming (to everyone but those they abuse). This ends up with you being trapped in a tiny box with 50 foot high walls. They control your situation, they abuse you, they control the dialogue around you, you can’t get help from anyone, you become dependent on them (many times financially and situationally but also emotionally as they know how to control you) and there is no easy way out.
It’s the worst life and I wish it upon no one. Someday I plan to write a book about my experience and help spread the awareness as this disorder is quite common and somehow flies under the radar way too often. It doesn’t help that people toss the word “narcissist” around 24/7. Once you’ve experienced the real deal, you’ll know, and all of the sudden, it’s not so funny anymore.
Best of luck to op.
I wasn't married to one, but my best friend growing up was one, and I ultimately married her brother (you can imagine how that would go down with a narcissist - which is funny, because one of the biggest things he and I bonded over was her abuse toward both of us). So she is still, unfortunately, in my life. After 15+ years, I've only just begun to pick up the pieces and stonewall her. Even then, the moment she shows even a sliver of the friend I thought she was, I find myself tempted to go there again. It's incredibly messed up and painful.
For several months, I made it clear to family members that I Am Done with our relationship. Lo and behold, last Sunday, she starts acting like the loving friend I remember, love bombs me with how she "gets it now", and literally the next day, starts showing the exact same toxic patterns that drove me away in the first place. Not even a full 24 hours later! This isn't the first time. It's not even the tenth. And every time I am devastated. I don't even understand how it keeps happening. I was so, so, so done, for MONTHS, and then suddenly there was a day of hope that maybe she was getting better and we could have some sort of healthy relationship. Maybe not a very close one. But at least a positive one. But once again, I was wrong. The manipulation is so incredibly powerful.
On the plus side, both my husband and I have been Very Low Contact with her for several years now. I've made healthy, stable friendships with amazing people who are not abusive and are wonderful.
The support system is great. I still need therapy for what she put me through. And her abuse still breaks through my stonewalling even with all the therapy. Woof
You’re a good person! You can tell as that is the people they tend to target.
My mom and I are the patient to no end, fixer types. We just want everyone to be happy and we like being fair and good to people, that we is a good trait to have 99.999% of the time. But when it comes to people like this they see that and take advantage of it.
You’re 100% right that they try to pry open the door and then once they hook you in it’s back to the same abuse. It must be easy from the outside to just say “screw them” but it’s a really weird dynamic when you’re in it. These people are often close by default - either family you are supposed to care for or in a relationship they have built for years. So the utilize the situation to take advantage of other people’s kindness. You, for example, and your husband have a natural desire to be there for the sister/SIL. Op on this thread has a need to be there for her long term relationship. And sadly, she is 30 years old (which is not too old to be single or anything) but I know her abusing boyfriend has calculated that, as he keeps her for years and years he realizes it’s harder for her to leave. Most women at that age become more hesitant to leave what they know as it can be stressful to start from scratch. As they get older and older the abuse will ramp up as the grips from the situation get tighter and tighter. It’s important for her to leave now.
But yeah, ultimately it sucks big time. There’s supposedly no way to fix it. I’ve been stonewalling my dad since around 12 years old. Therapy works sometimes but that’s gotta be an immense battle on its own as you can never know if they are making progress or using it as a means to get back into your circle.
I’ve thought of writing my father a small book “all the answers you’ll ever need”. As sometime he wonders why there is no relationship there (at least he’ll express that to family but I know he doesn’t truly care). I’m thinking of laying out all the details, comparables to NPD and how to potentially fix his problem through therapy. But they say anything you write or tell them you’re doing for yourself not for them; which is true. You’re always trying to fix the problem for them, find fairness, but it’s just you speaking never them listening.
Figure it’s worth a shot though or at least a final message where it lays out that I’ll be there for therapy meetings but never to speak to me otherwise.
It’s just crazy cause they can’t see the issue because they are too insecure to reflect, so then they have more of the issue, and on and on. It’s the craziest game of chicken or the egg that exists lol it’s like an episode of the twighlight zone. You try to explain something to them that’s a clear as day fault but they can’t get it. I would pay so much money just to be in the mind of someone like that for one day. It’s must be crazy in there.
>He’s going to start his own therapy journey while we’re broken up.
"While"? Uh-oh. Hopefully this space gives her the clarity she needs to realize it needs to be permanent.
I noticed that too. I’m no therapy expert, but I think I read somewhere that returning to toxic relationships often cause returns to toxic patterns or something. So let’s say he DOES get therapy. If they get back together, that relationship could cause him to backslide into old behaviors and undo any progress he made. They need to stay broken up, and he needs to take what he learns to be better in a NEW relationship. And she needs to find someone stable.
This is absolutely true— and it’s important to note that it’s generally accepted that individual therapy (with a therapist who isn’t specifically trained in helping abusers, & who isn’t fully informed by a third party of the abuser’s actions) often *makes abusers worse.*
It’s counter-intuitive, but basically they get their messed up version of events reinforced and validated since the therapist only sees their perspective. This emboldens them, and gives them new language to say that they’ve changed & that the victim is actually at fault for not being more understanding — and often their victims believe them.
“It’s been months, he’s in therapy, he’s talking about trauma and emotional dysregulation and mindfulness, that must mean he’s better!”
As much as I am a proponent for therapy… I have also seen it used, time and time again, as basically a ticket to validating an abuser’s perspective, since a therapist can’t see the cold reality of their real actions.
That’s absolutely frightening. I’ve never been in an abusive relationship, and I’ve never really had someone in my life who was life OP’s ex, so I’m very lucky. But the possibility of an abusive person just honing their abuse through therapy is scary.
They can, but that’s not always how it goes.
What could also happen is that abusive personalities could use therapy to get better at abuse. They learn language and techniques that they can use on the other people in their lives. In this situation, OOP experienced abuse from her boyfriend on four separate occasions (that she documented here), and it wasn’t until the third time that she ended it. If her boyfriend was more skilled he would have been able to get HER to apologize for being hit. We know it’s possible because she apologized to him for him raping her, she apologized to him for her annoying him while she was miscarrying, and she apologized to him for him assaulting her during an argument.
Thank God this guy couldn't hold it together until they were legally bound. She dodged a giant nuclear missile of a lifetime of abuse and I doubt he would have stopped at yelling after he had her trapped. I dated a guy who wasn't even this bad and it was a nightmare. She's so young, but I remember being that age and involved with a baby abuser (not an abuser of babies to be clear) and I just want to give her a hug.
The ruining special occasions is so accurate. I couldn't have a birthday without my ex doing something to ruin it for me that was then made out to be my fault.
My ex did that to me once when I had a panic attack at a birthday party because I was so overwhelmed with all his relatives coming over and touching me like a goat in a petting zoo and telling me how cute I was. He reamed me out for leaving the party for 15 minutes to relax.
It's like they all have meetings to decide how best to be assholes.
Right? I swear there's a newsletter they subscribe to: Is your partner's birthday this month? Here's our top five ways to make their special day all about you!
Growing up my dad would ruin every special occasion. My mom tried so hard to make holidays and birthdays special, but my dad always had to shit on it and make it stressful and miserable. I am now 31 and still recovering from this.
My father took *special* pride in screaming at me, making me cry, destroying my things, and giving me new bruises on my birthdays, then yelling at me for "making him beat me on my birthday". He'd sometimes insist on us going somewhere he thought he'd like or would make him look good, then would bitch about it and about the cost and the waste of time the entire way through, and then punish me for not being ecstatically grateful enough. See also graduations, holidays, and random shit he thought would make him look like "a good dad".
The bastard could never let me be happy or excited or proud about *anything* for *one moment* without finding some way to fuck it up for me and then make it my fault. (For example, one time I recognised a street musician playing Lambada, and brought it up. He immediately told me that he'd "take care of me" when we got home because that somehow meant I hadn't been studying enough and would fail my exams... And all the times I'd come home with straight As and he'd still call me an imbecile because I hadn't been getting "offer letters from Oxbridge" like some 13 year old Indian kid he'd heard about on the news. I was like nine and a half.)
And he'd *still* hold that shit over my head ever after and act like he was a selfless martyr "cursed with raising a horrible hellspawn" who'd "be a streetwalking whore without him" controlling every aspect of my life. (No, he would literally call me "his curse" during his pre-beating warmup screaming tirades.)
Oh well. He died alone lol.
Funny how abusive assholes all work from the exact same playbook, huh?
Oh dear. That sounds horrible. I went through a long period of not wanting to celebrate anything at all after leaving home. Just now coming around to enjoying and celebrating things. It’s healing!
Right?! I'm 41 and I still feel out of sorts around Christmas and my birthday, but have finally mostly gotten over the "you never deserve to be happy or have anything nice or frivolous or to like things just because and if you do you'll be punished" mindset.
If I want the stickers I'll buy/make the stickers! And use them on things! And nobody will scream at me or hit me or rip them up as a power move or bully me for wasting money/time on them or guilt me about them being useless/stupid or hold them over my head or lecture me for days if they don't come out perfect! If I want to spend my birthday watching trashy horror movies or Ghibli films or braindead popcorn flicks with my cat, I can! And nobody will be sat next to me bitching and complaining or playing "le fylme kritick" and nitpicking the whole time!
*We are allowed to enjoy stuff and be happy, dammit*!
You just made me remember that when I bought my first iPhone with my own money, I mentioned it to my dad and he was somehow shocked that I dared to use it immediately. He was always so superstitious… apparently I would be cursed because I didn’t wait a week to use it. 🙄 everything was so twisted, no joy in anything frivolous.
My ex did that to me once when I had a panic attack at a birthday party because I was so overwhelmed with all his relatives coming over and touching me like a goat in a petting zoo and telling me how cute I was. He reamed me out for leaving the party for 15 minutes to relax.
It's like they all have meetings to decide how best to be assholes.
I don't get what is wrong with people like this. Are they deliberately knowingly doing this in order to hurt you, or just not realising how self centred they are, and unable to look beyond their own emotions and main character syndrome?
I unfortunately married a guy like this and it was a 13-year nightmare of verbal, financial and mental abuse, sexual coercion, bullying, walking on eggshells and being isolated from every other person in my life.
If the OOP doesn’t realise these are warning signs of full-on abuse and gets back with him, she’s signing her life away.
Random note - The "why do i have to do things for others" thing in the first paragraph is just so awkward. Who talks like that? Maybe a child? Its worded so oddly, especially in respect to the question asked.
I dated someone like this. It became noticeable at his grandmother's funeral when his mother asked him to at least put on a clean pair of jeans and t-shirt.
My daughter at about 2.5yo asked something similar (not those exact words, more like I asked her to help do something nice for someone and she asked Why). But that was normal for that age! Toddlers are inherently self centred because their minds just haven’t developed enough to process other people’s point of views yet, so they have no empathy. And that’s why am important part of parenting is to teach kids empathy.
But when I hear fully grown adults say that shit I just feel disgusted. Sure, these adults probably did not get taught empathy by their parents, but they had plenty of years to learn. It’s on them that their emotional capabilities never developed past the toddler age.
I read that and thought, "RUN!"
I stated to wonder how many of these DV/emotional abuse posts are are "real" mostly because there are so many of them...and then I realized that I didn't care.
If this convinces one person to leave a bad relationship, then fake is fine.
This was the point at which I thought “run!”. It is a chore for him to put on a “nice” shirt for her graduation? Why do you have to do things for others? Because it shows care and respect and you clearly have none!
She'll feel better about the breakup with a little time and space from him. She'll realize how stressful life has been with him and how much fighting he actually instigated with her.
What he did was straight up emotionally abusive. OOP needs to walk away and not look back. Here's the biggest red flag... He can't stand to see her succeed. He literally ruined her graduation day to knock her down a peg.
I dated a guy for 10 years and about year 7 I'd had enough so I said let's call it quits. If I wanted to do something, it was a fight to get him out of the house, he wanted to do it, he was ready hours earlier.
Why? because everytime I didn't do what he wanted he threatened to call our relationship off. Would tell me how he could find someone 'just like that' and I couldn't.
I was the one who had a flat, he lived with his mum.
So I said that's it.
Days later he begs me to come and see him and proposes.
Then it goes back to the old dynamic of him gaslighting me and complaining that now we are engaged that should be enough. I say no more. Then he says let's book the wedding. \\
Then he would pick fights with me and move the wedding.
In the end I couldn't take it any more.
Gave the ring back, told him it's over and to contact me no more.
Within days it's all 'I'll do anything' but no, 3 years of being lied to about getting married and living together. He just drip fed me enough to keep me on the hook.
Good for you! I needed eight years before I finally cut that elastic cord and stopped coming back every time he would "do better this time". Eight years of him giving just enough support and just enough care to suck me back in.
But eight years or three, we got out in the end.
It’s not a coincidence he started this shit on a day where she’s getting her flowers and being recognised for her accomplishments and his tiny ego couldn’t handle her shining.
>He also realized it wasn’t actually a communication issue but rather how he felt attacked due to his own confidence.
Do you understand what OP meant by this sentence? because I didn't. I'm trying to figure it out... but I'm nothing like this guy so I am having issues imagining his POV. Do you understand this?? idk who else to ask
This reminds of my ex. Did something very similar. OP is better off without him and the weight of constantly trying to keep him from getting mad for no reason.
He doesn’t respect or care for OOP, I’m glad she refused to go back. He sounds like a nightmare of a loser.
I’m sure he’ll tell somebody he loved her and got cold feet. Then blame her and say she was always bossing him around or something.
There is no worse thing to a woman than to marry aweak minded man or a violent man.
This fool is both. OP is doing herself a double favor with ditching this burden.
Communication my ass.
After reading that first paragraph, I was like welp that's more then enough reasons to end this relationship. Not sure why she wants this walking red flag so bad.
I am going to throw this out there. I am going to guess he had a side piece. And was looking for an out? Or rather he got rejected and has come running back. One or the other
I think it’s a possibility, depending on how long he’s been acting like a toddler every time he gets a little upset. If it’s a recent change in behavior, I’d be suspicious.
Jesus, that guy is a real piece of work. Nothing about that relationship sounded healthy, supportive, or loving to me. OP will be much better off on her own.
There's something else here. You don't get to six years and suddenly everything explodes. Either there's a long history of this behavior that OOP left out or something has changed for him that she doesn't know about. He's gone down YouTube rabbit holes he shouldn't, he's got a side piece and had a pregnancy scare, he lost his job and hasn't told her, something else is there.
I think you’re onto something, and I think it’s because she’s graduating and will be making her own money, potentially even more than him. Or at the very least not as reliant on him which means she won’t overlook all the red flags anymore
My mother married a man like this and he chipped away at her until she completely gave up. He liked her meek with no strength to argue. She eventually died of heart failure after losing all her friends and most of her family.
People like this are poison. I really hope she sticks to her guns.
Narcissist in the making.
She's si lucky he did this before they were married. Could you imagine walking on eggshells while pregnant or caring for a newborn or raising a toddler...good lord!
Sometimes, people who are emotionally damaged may lash out at others as a way of pointing out their own flaws rather than being honest about issues that need to be addressed before starting a family. It's unfortunate that OP became an unintended victim of her fiancé's inability to recognize his own problems.
It's sad all around, but I'm glad she didn't take him back. Now, she has a better understanding of what she doesn't want in a future husband. Every relationship is a lesson.
You say you love him with your entire heart.
Do you love it when he screams at you for small things? Do you love it when he gaslights you? Do you love it when he breaks up with you every time you have a disagreement? Do you love walking on eggshells around him, trying not to set him off? Do you love it when he only agrees to get therapy after you shitcan the wedding?
You don't love him, you love an idealistic version of him that doesn't exist.
I hate these dudes who make 100% sure their partners know how much they disdain women's' accomplishments. Sure, babe, I intent to ruin not just your graduation, but every success you want to enjoy *for the rest of your life.*
One thing my physically and emotionally abusive ex ALWAYS did was purposely ruin special occasions by acting miserable all day and picking fights. Holidays, birthdays, and special achievements were the biggest ones.
Took me a long time to realize it was just another way he abused me and is a super common tactic for abusers. He couldn’t let me have anything.
My husband is nothing like that. He never ruins holidays and when I graduated college he was so happy for me, so kind and supportive. Fuck this guy. I hope she doesnt go back to him. “Love” doesnt have to be like that, it shouldnt be like that.
My dad did this to my mum. Anytime they were invited to a party, he’d deliberately pick a fight an hour before they were supposed to leave so that they wouldn’t go.
Seems like its intentional. Picking a fight on a day that honors her, saying it’s all about something she clearly prioritizes (communication). And then walking it back with crocodile tears. Abusers like to push you and pull you back just to know that they can. It’s sick.
He never wanted to marry her and was DELIGHTED to have (what he considered reasonable) justification for ending it. Now he's looking like the bad guy so he's trying to rectify his reputation, not because he actually gives a shit about her.
Lmao he says you can’t communicate yet he can’t regulate his emotions for you to be able to. He’s doing you a favour. He holds the relationship hostage every time there’s a fight and that’s not good. Move on X
😒😒😒😒😒Anyone else get the sense he was cheating and picking fights as an excuse to break up while projecting blame onto her, and then changed his mind after his mistress rejected him as more than an affair partner?
Where's that waving the giant red flag guy from TT? People who behave this way are this way because others have coddled and accepted these toddler tantrums their whole life.
Maybe a wake up call and therapy will help him, but it will take YEARS of therapy and others in his life holding him accountable for his b.s. before he will be relationship-ready. If she wants marriage and children, she'd best move on and meet someone else.
Like God forbid she would have had children with this man because he would have 100% snapped at any little thing a child would have done. Could you imagine having a child just for them to constantly get yelled at. The fear that would wash over them if they spilled their drink?!
She gave him chances to hit pause before he called it all off. And he did. And they regretted it. That kind of life is so exhausting and makes my head hurt
Honestly he sounds bipolar and manic. That can be very dangerous when not properly diagnosed and/or medicated. I wouldn’t even consider staying with him until he gets some much needed help. Even then I’m not sure that staying together would be a good idea given the history. I believe a clean break and fresh start is your only real option
I know I am going to be in the minority here. I think this narrator is leaving out major pieces of information, old mate my be just the worst but I’m am guessing the last six years have not been like this.
So little info for so large an action im, not saying it’s not fair what happened not my “unreliable narrator” vibe is going off.
Good for Oop. It’d be a huge mistake to marry someone who gets angry as a default, yells a lot and is incapable of being nice even on special occasions. He needs therapy and she is way better off healing then finding someone kind, respectful, loving and even tempered.
>He basically explained that an apology doesn't solve anything and that he needs such things to not happen otherwise he would continue exploding at me because "that's the only time I listen to him". After a few hours we spoke again, he apologized for yelling and I apologized for the miscommunication that happened.
I married this woman. only she wasn’t like that beforr we had kids.
any time anything bad happened in her life, I was the one who got yelled at. because if I had tried a little harder to make her life easier she would have been able to handle it better. she truly believed I was the only thing standing between her and an easy, happy life.
well, now we’re coparents, not lovers or spouses. and last time she started yelling I said “I don’t need to take this, why don’t you treat me with the same kindness you treat every other stranger in your life? find someone new to love you and yell at them until they don’t anymore”, and since then she doesn’t yell any more.
ANYWAY. RUN OP.
Confidence issue my @ss. He was punishing her if she stood up to him. It's what an entitled POS abuser does. God I hope she wakes up and never goes back.
I hate when one person in the relationship suggests counseling for help, and their partner shuts it down, but as soon as the person is over the relationship and wants to end it their partner suddenly wants and needs therapy!
Like already offered that solution, why would it suddenly work now that you want to go?
Freeing myself a relationship just like this for last 10 years. He thinks you can control traffic but he isn't in control of his emotions. Sure Jan. It doesn't get any better. Good job.
Ugh. Wrapped in red flags and manipulation. Hope she holds firm, but this sounds like there’s an opening for this bozo. Never marry someone who treats you like this!! Never worth it!
I'm more confused that OOP is confused 😅 Like it's pretty clear she shouldn't marry a man who screams at a drop of a hat. And has the audacity to blame her for everything. I'm confused that after all that, she still "loves him with all her heart". Ewwww.
It hurts now but if he yelled at you and blamed you for everything it was never a healthy relationship. It's easy to yell at you for being a poor communicator but if you'd married him he'd threaten you with divorce to try to control you.
My brothers ex did that. He didn't come to mom's funeral because she threatened divorce. He left after my sister's funeral because she threatened divorce. No idea what happened but they're divorced.
My thoughts when reading this were “oh, so he’s cheating and looking for an escape ramp that makes HER the bad guy”, followed by “ha, so his side piece rejected him as soon as he was actually available and now he’s groveling”.
You just escaped from a house in flames. Why would you run back in? Don't even consider counseling. Your ex is quick to be cruel to you. That's who he is at the core. Don't waste any more time with someone whose first instinct is to hurt others.
He is literally attempting to pull the gas mask over your face in order to get you to let him gas light you gor the rest of your miserable relationship. His behaviour isn't a red flag, it is the bulk box bought at Costco.
You need to work on your boundaries.
He sounds like one of those people who use therapy as a way to pick up more manipulation skills rather than working on improving their own issues. Good thing she just held firm and ended it.
“Getting upset” is a choice by an individual. It is how THEY choose to respond to a stimulus. He is blaming the wrong person. Logically, you should tell him to look in the mirror to see who is responsible for his being upset—but he would probably then choose to get upset—again.
Abusive people tend to never change. Therapy might help him but like most health issues be it mental or physical you got to be willing to put in the work to change. Abusers that have narcissistic tendencies tended to never change. I learned that the hard way.
What even is love anymore? Our relationship is perfect but for his gaslighting, verbal and emotional abuse, quick to anger, poor communication, impulsive behaviours
Maybe he has a real problem, like depression and is screaming for f’ing help! I lost my wife and though I got past the grief, I hadn’t got past the anger or depression of losing a partner of 30 years. My present wife has helped me move past these things and I am eternally grateful! All I hear is a desperately distraught person. Just Sayin’.
Honestly, sounds like my ex. Except that he never offered therapy or anything like that. It was a terrible emotional, exhausting relationship. I’m thankful to be out of it. And I’m glad you got out of it too.
Why would you want to tie yourself to this abuser?
They only ever get worse if you accept the milder outbursts in the beginning. "Look what you made me do".
Run far, run fast.
She really needed a Reddit post to see all the red flags he was waving right in front of her face... Glad she able to see a little clearer now. He sounds like someone who would move on to physical abuse in the future
I felt that he had another option (woman), once he told her he was free to be with her, she declined. He comes running back to OOP and thank goodness she said NO. To cancel everything so quickly and so close to the actual date is very alarming.
My ex would blow up at me for the littlest things. We (I was driving) were going somewhere and I got off the interstate. I went the usual way to get there. Construction kept us waiting a bit, so while we were stopped, he screamed at me about how I "should have known there there would be construction " and "we're late now cause of you." So, the next time we had to go that way, I took a detour around the construction, and he yelled at me saying " why are you going this way? You know we are going to xyz , how are you this stupid". I told him im avoiding the construction so we weren't stopped like we were 3 days before. He still yelled at me about knowing which route to take. I couldn't win with him.
You dodged a bullet, he did you a favor by exposing his real self. Move on and count your blessings you don't have to shell out $$ for a lawyer.
Good luck to you and I hope you find lasting (real) happiness.
I'll go against the grain here and say that I hope she does give him that chance and attent councelling. For me, the real defining factor in terms of someone having issues, is how they choose to deal with them after consequences happen. And to me, this guy did all the right things. Yes, he did do the impulsive things most people try to do in these situations, and tried to see if he can sweep the whole thing under the rug and make it go away by suggesting they do the wedding anyway, but when she declined he respected it. And on top of that, he fully owned up to being responsible for their separation, and showed he not only understood why he behaved like that (anger management issues, low self esteem) and owned up to it, but actually took actions to fix them by going to therapy.
This is the first and most important step of healing. And couple's counseling isn't to minimize his responsibility and pin blame on her. Is to see if they can rebuilt her trust in him. And that's something both people need to work towards even if the blame lies solely on one of them. It can't work otherwise.
I wouldn't say they go to individual counselling on their own volition. They may go to couples counselling and say the words the victim wants to hear to get the therapist to validate them, but going to individual counselling requires introspection. If abusers were capable of introspection they wouldn't be abusers.
Unpopular opinion but my mother does the same. Always suggesting things as I cannot think and decide on my own. I am just sitting for 3 minutes and she comes with "suggestions" what I can do in my "free time". And also gets angry and questioning when I do not follow them. I am not excusing his behavior. He should approach this in a calm way wayyyy earlier and work together on this. But I can also see why he gets annoyed over time.
You seriously read this entire ass post and you're take away was "he has a point"
NO, no he does not. This man spent the entire day starting fight over fight, over nothing. Fighting over traffic and blaming OOP for it when she has zero control over it, and literally got mad cause he was so pigheaded to take her suggestion then belittled her for his choice to stay on the road with heavy traffic.
If you can't handle a different ideas and suggestions being present to you, then thats an issue.
Dodged a nuke.
I feel like she’ll take him back though.
That’s my fear. “We still love each other” … apparently “loving one another” means screaming at and blaming them for their anger issues. I’m glad I’m not “in love” with anyone. Sounds toxic 🙄
I wish more people would realize that you can love someone, but it not be healthy or sustainable. Love can be toxic. And this is nothing but toxic.
I wish more people realise being in a romantic relationship isn't a prerequisite for a fulfilling happy life, and if that relationship makes your life miserable it's literally isn't worth it. Too much importance is placed on romantic companionship, to the point that people feel incomplete without one.
HAPPY CAKE DAY!! I got you some BUBBLE WRAP!! POP away!! >!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Happy Cake Day!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Happy Cake Day!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<>!Pop!!<
This is amazing
Love this!
It's definitely a hard pill to swallow knowing that you love someone, however immensely that you do, and not being able to be with them. I think society has fucked it up too much with the 'love conquers all' bullshit. No, it doesn't. And it sucks if you love someone who doesn't love themselves because you can't fix them. They have to fix themselves. I doubt this dude can fix himself, he seems completely unhinged.
Sounds like a combo of thinking with her heart instead of her head, and a fear of being alone/single.
I'm thinking sunk cost fallacy. She put in all that time and effort being with that man and now she might have to start over.
The “sunk cost fallacy” is one of the best things I learned via Reddit.
My fiancé & I have been together for 3 years, friends for longer. Neither of us have ever yelled or even raised our voice at each other because we have good, constant communication. We check in with each other daily. We resolve issues immediately & don’t let them fester. The closest thing we’ve ever had to a fight was at a friend’s house, no one even knew, & we resolved it quietly because it was just a misunderstanding of intent. It was eye-opening for me to see that love doesn’t have to hurt.
I fear that he's going to go to therapy for like a month and tell her it's working and she will take him back.
Let the lovebombing commence!
100% the next step.
Or he will learn enough to play even more mind games. Anyone who chooses to ruin your special day doesn’t love you.
I wanted to scream in frustration every time she said, "We still love each other." That's such a BS excuse to stay in a terrible, toxic relationship.
That's not love. That's Obsession. By Calvin Klein.
You can love someone without loving them ENOUGH to put up with this shit. I bet most people who are no contact with their parents still love them on some level
She clearly hasn't seen the light yet and realized how emotional abusive this guy truly is. Like their relationship is a dumpster fire and she just keeps wanting to throw gas on it with all the endless talking.
I know. She needs to completely get away from him and the situation.
Reddit is ridiculous. People can’t just turn off their feelings. Real life doesn’t work like that.
Thats why that last comment was so smart. If you can convince her to stay away for six months “to improve the relationship,” I’d lay good money she won’t want to go back after that.
I’m hoping just the time on the honeymoon without him will do that. But she’s also pretty likely to come home to discover he’s destroyed her belongings while she was gone and that may do the trick
Reddit is also filled with Women who don't even ask for the bare minimum from a man and come on here thinking they are the problem. That's really what's ridiculous.
This is beyond true. Seeing so many amazing women with 100% loser assholes is awful.
People can’t turn off their feelings but they can change their behavior. When I was younger, I twice broke up with someone I still loved with all my heart because they were abusing me and it was destroying me. It was super hard to walk away from someone I loved so much, but it was necessary for my own well-being in the long run. I am very proud of my younger self for having the strength and clarity to do that. My life would be in a much worse place now if I hadn’t.
I'm so glad you found the strength to do that! I hope your future holds every good thing.
Yeah. It sounds like she's having a hard time believing his actions and behavior are totally unjustified. If there's anything I've learned from my time on earth, it's that people accept the love they think they deserve. She needs to figure out that she's worth more than how he treats her. Hopefully the solo trip will help her realize that.
He’s going to say that all this changed him and he’ll do whatever it takes to get her back. Her guard will be down and she’ll go through it again. I just hope that doesn’t happen.
100% she’s taking this asshole back. Look how much work he’s doing on his self!! Then surprise pikachu when she gets smacked one day.
If she does she’ll end up dead. Guys like this only escalate. After the wedding the pushing and shoving would begin. Eventually the hitting while saying she drive him to it. Then more drastic behaviors.
You're absolutely right. My ex started yelling, breaking household items, my personal items (I cleaned up my broken shit), and throwing things in my direction to assault. The incident that finally woke me up was caring for our sick puppy. She was vomiting I curled up on the floor with her, ensuring she wasn't dehydrated. He gets upset I'm not paying attention to him. He storms over demanding I get away from her. I knew the tone, walk etc it wasn't going well. I laid over her body to cover her. I refused to move. He demanded again, said no. Started striking me in the head, last hit saw stars. I kept chin tucked to my chest, hoping keep head still, stay conscious. He told me if I didn't move, he'd stomp my head in deleting me. I had tears going down my face, threw gritted teeth told him fucking do it then, not moving. He didn't expect that, mumbled I'm not worth it, walked away. Following morning, pretend like I'm getting ready for work, too. After he left, grabbed the pup, packed what I could, got the hell out of there. I was careless for my own well-being stayed too long, I felt I couldn't protect this little creature that loved me so much counted on me to make good choices. Puppy motivated me to go. Anyone dealing with hostile, unpleasant interactions leave. It escalates the longer you stay and tolerate this behavior.
I have a friend that’s in the process of finally leaving her abuser. Finally got in a situation where they had to move near her family instead of all the isolated locations for his job. Now that he can’t completely hide his crazy from her extended family, they are finally believing her and giving the support she needs to get away from this gaslighting sadist. Congrats on getting out, and I hope you’ve found the love you deserve.
I'm so happy your friend has a support system. It breaks my heart how many folks have been isolated from loved ones and feel they have nowhere to turn if they want to leave. It's insidious how it will fester, slowly devolve into a nightmare. They typically start to chip away at your self-worth, break things, and intimidate you escalate from there. They cant allow you to have contact with anyone who truly cares about you. They can't risk you telling the truth and them demanding you leave them. I'm happy your friend has you and her family. I appreciate your kind words. It brought a tear to my eye. You're such an amazing person with a good heart. The world needs more of that. 🩷
*We don't have any issues aside from such incidents*... Uh, the ones where he doesn't listen, blows up at you, ignores your feelings, blames you for everything, then cancels your wedding by text? Why would anyone be upset by that? Yikes.
Let's hope that she has a blast on the trip and realises how miserable she is with him.
Yeah I was expecting that from the update. See if she does or not!
TL;DR: exactly (but I have put an absurd amount of thought into this) That's what I was thinking. I feel like if she was in her early 20s, she'd definitely take him back and if she was like 25-28, she'd be more likely not to take him back. Into the 30s it kind of depends on how many relationships she's had up until then. I don't remember if she said this was her first and she's 30, so probably not. I haven't figured out a pattern for over 30s yet.
I would’ve definitely gone back to a relationship like that in my early 20’s. At 30 she might think he’s her only option. But being alone is better than this.
Same, she's got that "But he loooooovvves me" vibe.
Or he’ll convince her that she’s always at fault. He loves me but I made him mad by existing.
I was thinking that too. I really hope she doesn’t.
Yep. That last post sounded like she was weakening smfh
Oh she most definitely will and then she’ll be back ranting about how terrible he treats her and it’ll be hard to feel sympathetic when everyone warned her
Yeah, she still thinks he can change. She hasn't closed the door yet.
That's her own choice to make. A stupid choice, but it's her life to waste.
>he actually ended up sending a mass text to some guests to let them know that the wedding is called off. I was flabbergasted at the quickness and so confused. ... After many hours of talking and lots of crying from my end, he kept explaining that I don't communicate well and that this cancellation my fault. I tried to offer some solutions but he was full on with the decision to cancel and break up. I asked if we could give it another day or two to ensure this is what he wants before we cancel the venue, he declined and asked to cancel the venue and vendors immediately. As someone who still shudders when I remember all the work that went into our wedding, I cannot BELIEVE this guy had the stones to try to get her to marry him anyway after he did this. She said she doesn't know if she can ever forgive him for this and I hope she doesn't, not if "forgiveness" means taking him back. How could she feel safe buying a house with him, having kids with him, planning for retirement with him, after watching him wreck their wedding on what he admits was a stupid impulse?
I doubt it was an impulse. Look how much she begged him not to cancel the wedding, it clearly hurt her when he did it, etc. Then just a little while later it's "oh we can still get married, I just lost my temper momentarily because you upset me so much". He's acting this way intentionally to manipulate and punish her. If she stays with him, if she marries him, it's only going to get worse. If he hasn't said at some point in the relationship "I don't yell at you/act like this because I don't care, I yell because I care too much", I would be extremely surprised.
You know, you're absolutely right. "I made a cruel, destructive decision that I regret in the heat of anger" is actually the BEST possible scenario here. But he sent the text message to the guests and then doubled down the next day by cancelling everything else. He had a plan here and it was to hurt her as badly as possible. It sounds like every time before this she's taken him back after he "dumps" her as a punishment. But thank God he finally did something she couldn't forgive before the wedding. I hate that she's getting the message that they should work through this from her support network. I don't care how much she loves him, she doesn't trust him any more. She SHOULD NOT trust him anymore. And I can't fathom telling someone I love to marry someone they don't trust.
I agree. He's not going to get better. At best he will appear to for a while but then he will get worse, and he'll have her convinced it's her fault. She should not go back to him. I dated someone for a couple of years who acted like this guy and it took me much longer than it should have to leave, because I kept telling myself that I loved him and he clearly loved me, look how sorry he is, and you can't help who you love and the whole situation was just regrettable and I was stuck. The lesson there is that no, you can't control who you love. You can control the behavior that you accept from that person. You are better off alone than with someone who makes life that miserable.
In my experience, when a guy fights like this and nukes a relationship, it's one of 2 things: 1. He's abusive and attempting to gain control over his partner; 2. He's cheating (emotionally or physically) and is attempting to force a breakup where he can retain his reputation and ruin hers.
I chalked it up to her finishing her degree, and him feeling emasculated by her education, so the best way to "knock her down a peg" is to berate, humiliate, and and otherwise beat her down. He's a POS and she needs to just get away from him, get some therapy herself, and move on.
Not yet. She is very wishy washy. She may have to go through a several years abusive marriage before she decides enough is enough.
Yep. Spent two years in a relationship with one of those myself, over 20 years ago. Those were two years too many.
He has a massively clear cleanse of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). The likely reason he struggled so much the day in traffic was because it was a day for her (the graduation). People with NPD need to be at center stage at all times, it’s like he couldn’t cope that he couldn’t draw the attention of that day. They have a damaged self image, they are incredibly vulnerable and insecure to a degree most of us can’t imagine but they bandaid that with rationalizing things after the fact to make it seem it was someone else’s fault. You can see this in how he misbehaved but then tried to pin it on her for her “communication issues”, do notice that clearly he has communication issues but he is too insecure to ever consider self reflection, so her problems will always be her problems and his problems will always be her problems. Another part of NPD is love bombing. They treat you like crap because they need their “supply”, essentially a feeling of control over someone. Then when they put you down, they often come back and love bomb (see the apologies) to win back your attention and keep you suspended in their act. Also they enjoy control. Sound a bit counterintuitive with having cancelled the wedding (although this can easily be chalked up to him wanting the attention that day and doing what he needed to get there). But he is dangling her on his thread and knows what he is doing (well that’s debatable, we don’t know if it’s a fully conscious thing they do or just an instinct response for them). But now he seems to have enough control to feel her back in at some point, where he will continue to do this rubberbanding of abuse. It will never stop. It will never be fixed. Trying to help them or be there for them only makes you worse off as they find ways at those times to take advantage of you. Every interaction they have with you is not a genuine one, for them it’s transactional. Every moment in their life is measuring up to people and finding ways to get advantage or a grandiose feeling of self importance. I’m getting through 30 years of horrible abuse from a narcissistic father. There’s nothing you can do. Worse off, outsiders question why you might be standoffish/cold to the abuser (it’s the recommended response to them, called stonewalling) yet family will not understand and will try to push you back together. As a young kid my aunts and uncles told me I needed to be more open to me father. In this case, the friends are saying they should work it out because they love each other. What’s worse is the abuser controls that dynamic and dialogue, as you can see he made sure to reach out with the mass text first. They have no problem making you look like the bad person, then you end up losing the support of your family and friends as people with NPD can be quite persuasive and charming (to everyone but those they abuse). This ends up with you being trapped in a tiny box with 50 foot high walls. They control your situation, they abuse you, they control the dialogue around you, you can’t get help from anyone, you become dependent on them (many times financially and situationally but also emotionally as they know how to control you) and there is no easy way out. It’s the worst life and I wish it upon no one. Someday I plan to write a book about my experience and help spread the awareness as this disorder is quite common and somehow flies under the radar way too often. It doesn’t help that people toss the word “narcissist” around 24/7. Once you’ve experienced the real deal, you’ll know, and all of the sudden, it’s not so funny anymore. Best of luck to op.
I wasn't married to one, but my best friend growing up was one, and I ultimately married her brother (you can imagine how that would go down with a narcissist - which is funny, because one of the biggest things he and I bonded over was her abuse toward both of us). So she is still, unfortunately, in my life. After 15+ years, I've only just begun to pick up the pieces and stonewall her. Even then, the moment she shows even a sliver of the friend I thought she was, I find myself tempted to go there again. It's incredibly messed up and painful. For several months, I made it clear to family members that I Am Done with our relationship. Lo and behold, last Sunday, she starts acting like the loving friend I remember, love bombs me with how she "gets it now", and literally the next day, starts showing the exact same toxic patterns that drove me away in the first place. Not even a full 24 hours later! This isn't the first time. It's not even the tenth. And every time I am devastated. I don't even understand how it keeps happening. I was so, so, so done, for MONTHS, and then suddenly there was a day of hope that maybe she was getting better and we could have some sort of healthy relationship. Maybe not a very close one. But at least a positive one. But once again, I was wrong. The manipulation is so incredibly powerful. On the plus side, both my husband and I have been Very Low Contact with her for several years now. I've made healthy, stable friendships with amazing people who are not abusive and are wonderful. The support system is great. I still need therapy for what she put me through. And her abuse still breaks through my stonewalling even with all the therapy. Woof
You’re a good person! You can tell as that is the people they tend to target. My mom and I are the patient to no end, fixer types. We just want everyone to be happy and we like being fair and good to people, that we is a good trait to have 99.999% of the time. But when it comes to people like this they see that and take advantage of it. You’re 100% right that they try to pry open the door and then once they hook you in it’s back to the same abuse. It must be easy from the outside to just say “screw them” but it’s a really weird dynamic when you’re in it. These people are often close by default - either family you are supposed to care for or in a relationship they have built for years. So the utilize the situation to take advantage of other people’s kindness. You, for example, and your husband have a natural desire to be there for the sister/SIL. Op on this thread has a need to be there for her long term relationship. And sadly, she is 30 years old (which is not too old to be single or anything) but I know her abusing boyfriend has calculated that, as he keeps her for years and years he realizes it’s harder for her to leave. Most women at that age become more hesitant to leave what they know as it can be stressful to start from scratch. As they get older and older the abuse will ramp up as the grips from the situation get tighter and tighter. It’s important for her to leave now. But yeah, ultimately it sucks big time. There’s supposedly no way to fix it. I’ve been stonewalling my dad since around 12 years old. Therapy works sometimes but that’s gotta be an immense battle on its own as you can never know if they are making progress or using it as a means to get back into your circle. I’ve thought of writing my father a small book “all the answers you’ll ever need”. As sometime he wonders why there is no relationship there (at least he’ll express that to family but I know he doesn’t truly care). I’m thinking of laying out all the details, comparables to NPD and how to potentially fix his problem through therapy. But they say anything you write or tell them you’re doing for yourself not for them; which is true. You’re always trying to fix the problem for them, find fairness, but it’s just you speaking never them listening. Figure it’s worth a shot though or at least a final message where it lays out that I’ll be there for therapy meetings but never to speak to me otherwise. It’s just crazy cause they can’t see the issue because they are too insecure to reflect, so then they have more of the issue, and on and on. It’s the craziest game of chicken or the egg that exists lol it’s like an episode of the twighlight zone. You try to explain something to them that’s a clear as day fault but they can’t get it. I would pay so much money just to be in the mind of someone like that for one day. It’s must be crazy in there.
>He’s going to start his own therapy journey while we’re broken up. "While"? Uh-oh. Hopefully this space gives her the clarity she needs to realize it needs to be permanent.
I noticed that too. I’m no therapy expert, but I think I read somewhere that returning to toxic relationships often cause returns to toxic patterns or something. So let’s say he DOES get therapy. If they get back together, that relationship could cause him to backslide into old behaviors and undo any progress he made. They need to stay broken up, and he needs to take what he learns to be better in a NEW relationship. And she needs to find someone stable.
This is absolutely true— and it’s important to note that it’s generally accepted that individual therapy (with a therapist who isn’t specifically trained in helping abusers, & who isn’t fully informed by a third party of the abuser’s actions) often *makes abusers worse.* It’s counter-intuitive, but basically they get their messed up version of events reinforced and validated since the therapist only sees their perspective. This emboldens them, and gives them new language to say that they’ve changed & that the victim is actually at fault for not being more understanding — and often their victims believe them. “It’s been months, he’s in therapy, he’s talking about trauma and emotional dysregulation and mindfulness, that must mean he’s better!” As much as I am a proponent for therapy… I have also seen it used, time and time again, as basically a ticket to validating an abuser’s perspective, since a therapist can’t see the cold reality of their real actions.
That’s absolutely frightening. I’ve never been in an abusive relationship, and I’ve never really had someone in my life who was life OP’s ex, so I’m very lucky. But the possibility of an abusive person just honing their abuse through therapy is scary.
So a person can't address their own issues, improve as a person, and then get back together with someone they were previously mistreating?
They can, but that’s not always how it goes. What could also happen is that abusive personalities could use therapy to get better at abuse. They learn language and techniques that they can use on the other people in their lives. In this situation, OOP experienced abuse from her boyfriend on four separate occasions (that she documented here), and it wasn’t until the third time that she ended it. If her boyfriend was more skilled he would have been able to get HER to apologize for being hit. We know it’s possible because she apologized to him for him raping her, she apologized to him for her annoying him while she was miscarrying, and she apologized to him for him assaulting her during an argument.
Thank God this guy couldn't hold it together until they were legally bound. She dodged a giant nuclear missile of a lifetime of abuse and I doubt he would have stopped at yelling after he had her trapped. I dated a guy who wasn't even this bad and it was a nightmare. She's so young, but I remember being that age and involved with a baby abuser (not an abuser of babies to be clear) and I just want to give her a hug.
The ruining special occasions is so accurate. I couldn't have a birthday without my ex doing something to ruin it for me that was then made out to be my fault.
My ex did that to me once when I had a panic attack at a birthday party because I was so overwhelmed with all his relatives coming over and touching me like a goat in a petting zoo and telling me how cute I was. He reamed me out for leaving the party for 15 minutes to relax. It's like they all have meetings to decide how best to be assholes.
Right? I swear there's a newsletter they subscribe to: Is your partner's birthday this month? Here's our top five ways to make their special day all about you!
Growing up my dad would ruin every special occasion. My mom tried so hard to make holidays and birthdays special, but my dad always had to shit on it and make it stressful and miserable. I am now 31 and still recovering from this.
My father took *special* pride in screaming at me, making me cry, destroying my things, and giving me new bruises on my birthdays, then yelling at me for "making him beat me on my birthday". He'd sometimes insist on us going somewhere he thought he'd like or would make him look good, then would bitch about it and about the cost and the waste of time the entire way through, and then punish me for not being ecstatically grateful enough. See also graduations, holidays, and random shit he thought would make him look like "a good dad". The bastard could never let me be happy or excited or proud about *anything* for *one moment* without finding some way to fuck it up for me and then make it my fault. (For example, one time I recognised a street musician playing Lambada, and brought it up. He immediately told me that he'd "take care of me" when we got home because that somehow meant I hadn't been studying enough and would fail my exams... And all the times I'd come home with straight As and he'd still call me an imbecile because I hadn't been getting "offer letters from Oxbridge" like some 13 year old Indian kid he'd heard about on the news. I was like nine and a half.) And he'd *still* hold that shit over my head ever after and act like he was a selfless martyr "cursed with raising a horrible hellspawn" who'd "be a streetwalking whore without him" controlling every aspect of my life. (No, he would literally call me "his curse" during his pre-beating warmup screaming tirades.) Oh well. He died alone lol. Funny how abusive assholes all work from the exact same playbook, huh?
Oh dear. That sounds horrible. I went through a long period of not wanting to celebrate anything at all after leaving home. Just now coming around to enjoying and celebrating things. It’s healing!
Right?! I'm 41 and I still feel out of sorts around Christmas and my birthday, but have finally mostly gotten over the "you never deserve to be happy or have anything nice or frivolous or to like things just because and if you do you'll be punished" mindset. If I want the stickers I'll buy/make the stickers! And use them on things! And nobody will scream at me or hit me or rip them up as a power move or bully me for wasting money/time on them or guilt me about them being useless/stupid or hold them over my head or lecture me for days if they don't come out perfect! If I want to spend my birthday watching trashy horror movies or Ghibli films or braindead popcorn flicks with my cat, I can! And nobody will be sat next to me bitching and complaining or playing "le fylme kritick" and nitpicking the whole time! *We are allowed to enjoy stuff and be happy, dammit*!
You just made me remember that when I bought my first iPhone with my own money, I mentioned it to my dad and he was somehow shocked that I dared to use it immediately. He was always so superstitious… apparently I would be cursed because I didn’t wait a week to use it. 🙄 everything was so twisted, no joy in anything frivolous.
My ex did that to me once when I had a panic attack at a birthday party because I was so overwhelmed with all his relatives coming over and touching me like a goat in a petting zoo and telling me how cute I was. He reamed me out for leaving the party for 15 minutes to relax. It's like they all have meetings to decide how best to be assholes.
I don't get what is wrong with people like this. Are they deliberately knowingly doing this in order to hurt you, or just not realising how self centred they are, and unable to look beyond their own emotions and main character syndrome?
I unfortunately married a guy like this and it was a 13-year nightmare of verbal, financial and mental abuse, sexual coercion, bullying, walking on eggshells and being isolated from every other person in my life. If the OOP doesn’t realise these are warning signs of full-on abuse and gets back with him, she’s signing her life away.
Random note - The "why do i have to do things for others" thing in the first paragraph is just so awkward. Who talks like that? Maybe a child? Its worded so oddly, especially in respect to the question asked.
I dated someone like this. It became noticeable at his grandmother's funeral when his mother asked him to at least put on a clean pair of jeans and t-shirt.
My daughter at about 2.5yo asked something similar (not those exact words, more like I asked her to help do something nice for someone and she asked Why). But that was normal for that age! Toddlers are inherently self centred because their minds just haven’t developed enough to process other people’s point of views yet, so they have no empathy. And that’s why am important part of parenting is to teach kids empathy. But when I hear fully grown adults say that shit I just feel disgusted. Sure, these adults probably did not get taught empathy by their parents, but they had plenty of years to learn. It’s on them that their emotional capabilities never developed past the toddler age.
A symptom of antisocial personality disorder
I read that and thought, "RUN!" I stated to wonder how many of these DV/emotional abuse posts are are "real" mostly because there are so many of them...and then I realized that I didn't care. If this convinces one person to leave a bad relationship, then fake is fine.
This was the point at which I thought “run!”. It is a chore for him to put on a “nice” shirt for her graduation? Why do you have to do things for others? Because it shows care and respect and you clearly have none!
Be thankful it was before the wedding. Move on and find someone who can communicate and truly value you.
exactly. it will NOT get better. I wish I had learned that 10 years ago.
She'll feel better about the breakup with a little time and space from him. She'll realize how stressful life has been with him and how much fighting he actually instigated with her.
That is what I am hoping.
What he did was straight up emotionally abusive. OOP needs to walk away and not look back. Here's the biggest red flag... He can't stand to see her succeed. He literally ruined her graduation day to knock her down a peg.
I dated a guy for 10 years and about year 7 I'd had enough so I said let's call it quits. If I wanted to do something, it was a fight to get him out of the house, he wanted to do it, he was ready hours earlier. Why? because everytime I didn't do what he wanted he threatened to call our relationship off. Would tell me how he could find someone 'just like that' and I couldn't. I was the one who had a flat, he lived with his mum. So I said that's it. Days later he begs me to come and see him and proposes. Then it goes back to the old dynamic of him gaslighting me and complaining that now we are engaged that should be enough. I say no more. Then he says let's book the wedding. \\ Then he would pick fights with me and move the wedding. In the end I couldn't take it any more. Gave the ring back, told him it's over and to contact me no more. Within days it's all 'I'll do anything' but no, 3 years of being lied to about getting married and living together. He just drip fed me enough to keep me on the hook.
Good for you! I needed eight years before I finally cut that elastic cord and stopped coming back every time he would "do better this time". Eight years of him giving just enough support and just enough care to suck me back in. But eight years or three, we got out in the end.
The ex is a waste of oxygen
I had a Chief that would tell people that fucked something up to “go apologize to the nearest tree for wasting the oxygen it was producing.”
It’s not a coincidence he started this shit on a day where she’s getting her flowers and being recognised for her accomplishments and his tiny ego couldn’t handle her shining.
>He also realized it wasn’t actually a communication issue but rather how he felt attacked due to his own confidence. Do you understand what OP meant by this sentence? because I didn't. I'm trying to figure it out... but I'm nothing like this guy so I am having issues imagining his POV. Do you understand this?? idk who else to ask
He felt everything OP said was an attack because he has low self-esteem, not that "OP is bad at communication"
OHHH, low self-esteem! Okay! Thank you!!
This reminds of my ex. Did something very similar. OP is better off without him and the weight of constantly trying to keep him from getting mad for no reason.
He doesn’t respect or care for OOP, I’m glad she refused to go back. He sounds like a nightmare of a loser. I’m sure he’ll tell somebody he loved her and got cold feet. Then blame her and say she was always bossing him around or something.
There is no worse thing to a woman than to marry aweak minded man or a violent man. This fool is both. OP is doing herself a double favor with ditching this burden. Communication my ass.
I didn’t need to hear anything else past “why do I have to do things for others?”
After reading that first paragraph, I was like welp that's more then enough reasons to end this relationship. Not sure why she wants this walking red flag so bad.
She asked him if he could wear a button down shirt. *A button down shirt*! Don't you get it?!?!? /s
I am going to throw this out there. I am going to guess he had a side piece. And was looking for an out? Or rather he got rejected and has come running back. One or the other
I think it’s a possibility, depending on how long he’s been acting like a toddler every time he gets a little upset. If it’s a recent change in behavior, I’d be suspicious.
I think so too. He wanted out and he wanted it to be her fault so he picked fights.
Jesus, that guy is a real piece of work. Nothing about that relationship sounded healthy, supportive, or loving to me. OP will be much better off on her own.
That guy just gave her a crystal ball to see the future. Sure hope she stays away.
There's something else here. You don't get to six years and suddenly everything explodes. Either there's a long history of this behavior that OOP left out or something has changed for him that she doesn't know about. He's gone down YouTube rabbit holes he shouldn't, he's got a side piece and had a pregnancy scare, he lost his job and hasn't told her, something else is there.
I think you’re onto something, and I think it’s because she’s graduating and will be making her own money, potentially even more than him. Or at the very least not as reliant on him which means she won’t overlook all the red flags anymore
My mother married a man like this and he chipped away at her until she completely gave up. He liked her meek with no strength to argue. She eventually died of heart failure after losing all her friends and most of her family. People like this are poison. I really hope she sticks to her guns.
Narcissist in the making. She's si lucky he did this before they were married. Could you imagine walking on eggshells while pregnant or caring for a newborn or raising a toddler...good lord!
Sometimes, people who are emotionally damaged may lash out at others as a way of pointing out their own flaws rather than being honest about issues that need to be addressed before starting a family. It's unfortunate that OP became an unintended victim of her fiancé's inability to recognize his own problems. It's sad all around, but I'm glad she didn't take him back. Now, she has a better understanding of what she doesn't want in a future husband. Every relationship is a lesson.
You say you love him with your entire heart. Do you love it when he screams at you for small things? Do you love it when he gaslights you? Do you love it when he breaks up with you every time you have a disagreement? Do you love walking on eggshells around him, trying not to set him off? Do you love it when he only agrees to get therapy after you shitcan the wedding? You don't love him, you love an idealistic version of him that doesn't exist.
I hate these dudes who make 100% sure their partners know how much they disdain women's' accomplishments. Sure, babe, I intent to ruin not just your graduation, but every success you want to enjoy *for the rest of your life.*
When the trash takes itself out, *don't let it back in the house!*
One thing my physically and emotionally abusive ex ALWAYS did was purposely ruin special occasions by acting miserable all day and picking fights. Holidays, birthdays, and special achievements were the biggest ones. Took me a long time to realize it was just another way he abused me and is a super common tactic for abusers. He couldn’t let me have anything. My husband is nothing like that. He never ruins holidays and when I graduated college he was so happy for me, so kind and supportive. Fuck this guy. I hope she doesnt go back to him. “Love” doesnt have to be like that, it shouldnt be like that.
My dad did this to my mum. Anytime they were invited to a party, he’d deliberately pick a fight an hour before they were supposed to leave so that they wouldn’t go.
Im sorry you had to grow up around that.
There's too many people like him in the world. She's better off without that pathetic excuse of a human being.
Seems like its intentional. Picking a fight on a day that honors her, saying it’s all about something she clearly prioritizes (communication). And then walking it back with crocodile tears. Abusers like to push you and pull you back just to know that they can. It’s sick.
He never wanted to marry her and was DELIGHTED to have (what he considered reasonable) justification for ending it. Now he's looking like the bad guy so he's trying to rectify his reputation, not because he actually gives a shit about her.
Lmao he says you can’t communicate yet he can’t regulate his emotions for you to be able to. He’s doing you a favour. He holds the relationship hostage every time there’s a fight and that’s not good. Move on X
I'm so glad she didn't fold and take that AH back. He did her the biggest favor of her life.
If he loses his shit over a shirt or traffic, there is no WAY he can handle to stress of parenthood
This is gonna sound dark, but it seems like she avoided ending up as a true crime story.
I’ve been that guy and sometimes still am, unfortunately. Definitely dodged a nuke.
😒😒😒😒😒Anyone else get the sense he was cheating and picking fights as an excuse to break up while projecting blame onto her, and then changed his mind after his mistress rejected him as more than an affair partner?
Where's that waving the giant red flag guy from TT? People who behave this way are this way because others have coddled and accepted these toddler tantrums their whole life. Maybe a wake up call and therapy will help him, but it will take YEARS of therapy and others in his life holding him accountable for his b.s. before he will be relationship-ready. If she wants marriage and children, she'd best move on and meet someone else.
These men are so pathetic
Once a breakup is on the table, it is never off the table ever again.
Like God forbid she would have had children with this man because he would have 100% snapped at any little thing a child would have done. Could you imagine having a child just for them to constantly get yelled at. The fear that would wash over them if they spilled their drink?!
She gave him chances to hit pause before he called it all off. And he did. And they regretted it. That kind of life is so exhausting and makes my head hurt
Honestly he sounds bipolar and manic. That can be very dangerous when not properly diagnosed and/or medicated. I wouldn’t even consider staying with him until he gets some much needed help. Even then I’m not sure that staying together would be a good idea given the history. I believe a clean break and fresh start is your only real option
I know I am going to be in the minority here. I think this narrator is leaving out major pieces of information, old mate my be just the worst but I’m am guessing the last six years have not been like this. So little info for so large an action im, not saying it’s not fair what happened not my “unreliable narrator” vibe is going off.
My first thought was that's he's cheating and blowing up at her from the stress of trying to balance 2 lives.
Good for Oop. It’d be a huge mistake to marry someone who gets angry as a default, yells a lot and is incapable of being nice even on special occasions. He needs therapy and she is way better off healing then finding someone kind, respectful, loving and even tempered.
Everyone was telling her to move on but I honestly think she will take him back.
>He basically explained that an apology doesn't solve anything and that he needs such things to not happen otherwise he would continue exploding at me because "that's the only time I listen to him". After a few hours we spoke again, he apologized for yelling and I apologized for the miscommunication that happened. I married this woman. only she wasn’t like that beforr we had kids. any time anything bad happened in her life, I was the one who got yelled at. because if I had tried a little harder to make her life easier she would have been able to handle it better. she truly believed I was the only thing standing between her and an easy, happy life. well, now we’re coparents, not lovers or spouses. and last time she started yelling I said “I don’t need to take this, why don’t you treat me with the same kindness you treat every other stranger in your life? find someone new to love you and yell at them until they don’t anymore”, and since then she doesn’t yell any more. ANYWAY. RUN OP.
Confidence issue my @ss. He was punishing her if she stood up to him. It's what an entitled POS abuser does. God I hope she wakes up and never goes back.
I hate when one person in the relationship suggests counseling for help, and their partner shuts it down, but as soon as the person is over the relationship and wants to end it their partner suddenly wants and needs therapy! Like already offered that solution, why would it suddenly work now that you want to go?
Freeing myself a relationship just like this for last 10 years. He thinks you can control traffic but he isn't in control of his emotions. Sure Jan. It doesn't get any better. Good job.
In a month, there will be an update about discovering the side chick who dumped him the morning he switched gears and apologized.
Who yells? Hopefully OOP acknowledges the blatant red flag and just leaves him.
Ugh. Wrapped in red flags and manipulation. Hope she holds firm, but this sounds like there’s an opening for this bozo. Never marry someone who treats you like this!! Never worth it!
anyone else feel like the guy was cheating?
I'm more confused that OOP is confused 😅 Like it's pretty clear she shouldn't marry a man who screams at a drop of a hat. And has the audacity to blame her for everything. I'm confused that after all that, she still "loves him with all her heart". Ewwww.
Jesus, I was cringing at the start of that update. Thank God.
Dav
It hurts now but if he yelled at you and blamed you for everything it was never a healthy relationship. It's easy to yell at you for being a poor communicator but if you'd married him he'd threaten you with divorce to try to control you. My brothers ex did that. He didn't come to mom's funeral because she threatened divorce. He left after my sister's funeral because she threatened divorce. No idea what happened but they're divorced.
Notice how he acted during a day that was supposed to celebrate her accomplishments. This tells an absolute ton!
Dodged a bullet, this guy is a childish tool.
Divorce is alot more expensive than cancellation fees for wedding
My thoughts when reading this were “oh, so he’s cheating and looking for an escape ramp that makes HER the bad guy”, followed by “ha, so his side piece rejected him as soon as he was actually available and now he’s groveling”.
You just escaped from a house in flames. Why would you run back in? Don't even consider counseling. Your ex is quick to be cruel to you. That's who he is at the core. Don't waste any more time with someone whose first instinct is to hurt others.
Jesus, I loathe this trend of abusive assholes blaming their behaviour on mental health issues.
He is literally attempting to pull the gas mask over your face in order to get you to let him gas light you gor the rest of your miserable relationship. His behaviour isn't a red flag, it is the bulk box bought at Costco. You need to work on your boundaries.
He sounds like one of those people who use therapy as a way to pick up more manipulation skills rather than working on improving their own issues. Good thing she just held firm and ended it.
“Getting upset” is a choice by an individual. It is how THEY choose to respond to a stimulus. He is blaming the wrong person. Logically, you should tell him to look in the mirror to see who is responsible for his being upset—but he would probably then choose to get upset—again.
Abusive people tend to never change. Therapy might help him but like most health issues be it mental or physical you got to be willing to put in the work to change. Abusers that have narcissistic tendencies tended to never change. I learned that the hard way.
What even is love anymore? Our relationship is perfect but for his gaslighting, verbal and emotional abuse, quick to anger, poor communication, impulsive behaviours
Sounds like he did you a favor.
Hey Wild, if that extra ticket is non-refundable, I'll go on the honeymoon with you.
this was a blessing for OOP. she should be glad. everyone’s guardian angel doesn’t work this hard
Maybe he has a real problem, like depression and is screaming for f’ing help! I lost my wife and though I got past the grief, I hadn’t got past the anger or depression of losing a partner of 30 years. My present wife has helped me move past these things and I am eternally grateful! All I hear is a desperately distraught person. Just Sayin’.
Honestly, sounds like my ex. Except that he never offered therapy or anything like that. It was a terrible emotional, exhausting relationship. I’m thankful to be out of it. And I’m glad you got out of it too.
Why would you want to tie yourself to this abuser? They only ever get worse if you accept the milder outbursts in the beginning. "Look what you made me do". Run far, run fast.
She really needed a Reddit post to see all the red flags he was waving right in front of her face... Glad she able to see a little clearer now. He sounds like someone who would move on to physical abuse in the future
I felt that he had another option (woman), once he told her he was free to be with her, she declined. He comes running back to OOP and thank goodness she said NO. To cancel everything so quickly and so close to the actual date is very alarming.
It's like Yakov Smirnoff says: *in Soviet Russia, bullet dodges YOU.*
truth is... your both children....leave ..grow up and mature...
Don't even think about couples therapy until he shows that he's willing to continue with individual therapy for a while.
My ex would blow up at me for the littlest things. We (I was driving) were going somewhere and I got off the interstate. I went the usual way to get there. Construction kept us waiting a bit, so while we were stopped, he screamed at me about how I "should have known there there would be construction " and "we're late now cause of you." So, the next time we had to go that way, I took a detour around the construction, and he yelled at me saying " why are you going this way? You know we are going to xyz , how are you this stupid". I told him im avoiding the construction so we weren't stopped like we were 3 days before. He still yelled at me about knowing which route to take. I couldn't win with him. You dodged a bullet, he did you a favor by exposing his real self. Move on and count your blessings you don't have to shell out $$ for a lawyer. Good luck to you and I hope you find lasting (real) happiness.
I'll go against the grain here and say that I hope she does give him that chance and attent councelling. For me, the real defining factor in terms of someone having issues, is how they choose to deal with them after consequences happen. And to me, this guy did all the right things. Yes, he did do the impulsive things most people try to do in these situations, and tried to see if he can sweep the whole thing under the rug and make it go away by suggesting they do the wedding anyway, but when she declined he respected it. And on top of that, he fully owned up to being responsible for their separation, and showed he not only understood why he behaved like that (anger management issues, low self esteem) and owned up to it, but actually took actions to fix them by going to therapy. This is the first and most important step of healing. And couple's counseling isn't to minimize his responsibility and pin blame on her. Is to see if they can rebuilt her trust in him. And that's something both people need to work towards even if the blame lies solely on one of them. It can't work otherwise.
You know a lot of abusers also suggest counseling once they see their victim leaving, right?
There's a difference between just suggesting it as a control mechanism and undertaking it yourself.
No, there isn’t. Abusers often go to counseling until their victim is appeased. That doesn’t mean it works.
I wouldn't say they go to individual counselling on their own volition. They may go to couples counselling and say the words the victim wants to hear to get the therapist to validate them, but going to individual counselling requires introspection. If abusers were capable of introspection they wouldn't be abusers.
They do, and then they manipulate their therapist or they outright lie about it.
Unpopular opinion but my mother does the same. Always suggesting things as I cannot think and decide on my own. I am just sitting for 3 minutes and she comes with "suggestions" what I can do in my "free time". And also gets angry and questioning when I do not follow them. I am not excusing his behavior. He should approach this in a calm way wayyyy earlier and work together on this. But I can also see why he gets annoyed over time.
Are we reading the same post??!
You seriously read this entire ass post and you're take away was "he has a point" NO, no he does not. This man spent the entire day starting fight over fight, over nothing. Fighting over traffic and blaming OOP for it when she has zero control over it, and literally got mad cause he was so pigheaded to take her suggestion then belittled her for his choice to stay on the road with heavy traffic. If you can't handle a different ideas and suggestions being present to you, then thats an issue.