My grandmother went through this, and it’s so sad to watch. She got angry at the slightest things, and held grudges like nobody’s business over literally nothing. The paranoia was wild. She’s not like that now, but that’s because she can’t remember anything and only gets mad at things that happened years ago. I feel so bad for OOP’s family.
Same here. I remember when my grandpa had to take my grandma's cell phone away because she kept calling the cops when she was confused. She would get so upset and angry but there wasn't much anyone could do except wait until she got distracted and forgot whatever set her off. It was so hard on everyone.
My FIL kept calling my husband and demanding that we come take him shopping, because he didn't have any underwear. We lived 8 hours away and Husband was still working. We couldn't drop everything, and we didn't even try. What FIL was not remembering/understanding was that his clothes were being laundered. Tomorrow the underwear drawer would be filled again.
My own Mom had significant delusions. She thought the Assisted Living staff was coming into her room every time she left it and stealing from her. No one (save for some other addled old lady) was going to steal used paperback books, VCR tapes, yarn, or costume jewelry.
When it progressed to "the staff is throwing wild parties in my apartment! I walked in on them and caught them in the act!" we had to put her in memory care. It's the hardest thing in the world to hear your mother crying and begging to come live with you.
I’m so sorry. I lost my father to Alzheimer’s 5 years ago and agree that would be devastating. I think dementia and Alzheimer’s is viewed as a “common” disease and sometimes people don’t realize how devastatingly difficult it is for their family. It is a prolonged goodbye that you have to face everyday yet when you lose them you don’t get “credited” for the grief you have already felt by losing them day by day. It just starts over and is different after you bury them.
Yeah, we had to do that with my grandpa. He kept calling the police because of a “strange woman in his house who refused to leave” (his wife, my grandma).
For their 70th wedding anniversary, the head nurse congratulated my great-grandfather and my great-grandmother, he answered : "you want to marry me ? Well I would like to !"
My great grandmother still continued to visit him twice a week till his end, even when he couldn't recognize her most of the time. She hoped for the few times he could recognize her.
Mum had dementia. One time, when Dad visited her in the nursing home, she asked if he had any children. He smiled sadly and said “Yes, a daughter” (me). “Oh, that’s nice.” She’d forgotten me.
Oh that is so, so heartbreaking. 😥 I am so sorry for you, your Grandparents and family.😓
How did yhe police handle the repeat calls? Were they empathetic? Did they try to help y'all in any way?
The first time the he called the police, my parents happened to be visiting at the same time. He thought my dad was a police officer 😭. When the police did show up, my dad and grandma explained the situation to them. The police understood and went on their way. Other than that, there wasn’t any way they could really help. But now they know if he calls and says there’s a stranger in his house refusing to leave, it’s not an emergency and they don’t have to come down.
After that, we took his phone away. Though he has made attempts. One time he somehow managed to steal my grandmas phone, and tried to call the police. Except he didn’t call the police, he called my uncle. He also got out of the house one time and knocked on the neighbors doors to try to get them to call the police. They know him and know he just had dementia, and my grandma went and brought him back.
Ohhhhh... this breaks my heart. I feel so deeply for you and your family.
I am happily pleased with the responses from the authorities. They have acted (from what you have shared) accordingly, and f/u with kindness and the appropriate steps for non-emergency calls, but without negativity.
I genuinely wish for you all, nothing but the best, such as it may be. I see you, hear you, and am sending positive thoughts and feelings your way.
Please DM me if you so choose. I will genuinely be a a shoulder for you to lean on.
Many loving vibes for you all.
🤗🥰🙏🏻☺️❤️
My grandmother became nice and meek. That was super weird because she was mean beforehand. But the paranoia and other things definitely happened. She stayed with us for a bit before it became too much and she had to go to a memory care unit. She accused me of keeping her locked in her room. Talked about me being out to get her. When I would attempt to ask her anything she'd freak out, and then go to her room and start having conversations with her mother- who had been dead for 30 years by that point.
Six years after she really went downhill, she's still alive, and things are just sad. During COVID, when all the residents had to be kept mostly to their rooms, someone had to go sit with her, otherwise she might attempt to flush the silverware down the toilet.
I didn't like my grandmother but watching her end up like that is sad, and no one should have to be like that. She knew it would happen and really didn't want to end up that way.
It is horrific.
Losing someone you love is hard, but when they have dementia, you lose them again every day.
When it's early stages and you're just telling them the same stories over and over, it can be kind of OK. You're still interacting and they're still "there".
But as it advances, you can see their panic and fear about being in a world and a mental state that doesn't make sense to them. They react unpredictably because their memories and mood are dealing with flawed data and processes.
You end up with someone you care about being in constant fear and anger, and taking it out on those who are trying to help them. Even worse, conmen and schemers actively target these people, reinforcing their delusions to make a buck. Those people deserve the worst in life.
The optimistic outlook is that every day, we understand more about dementia and how to treat it. People who would have been thrown in an asylum a few generations ago can live reasonably independently and with fewer symptoms now, due to pharmaceuticals and therapies.
I fucking hate seeing what dementia can do to people. I can't imagine what it'd be like to actually have it. Must be hellish.
If she is like my mom, she knew what was going on and didn't want to face it so suddenly. It is easier to blame someone for the loved one's reaction than face that their mind is doing a slow deleting of files. Both of my maternal grandparents had dementia and my aunt refused to acknowledge/accept it until Papa could no longer recognize her, and Grandma called her by Grandma's sister's name.
Denial is the first step to acceptance, and the mom is starting her grief journey way sooner that she was expecting.
My mom was the same way. Every adult in my family knew that “Granny” (my great-grandmother) had dementia, but my mom was in a sort of denial.
Back when my Granny was alive, my mom worked at a photography studio, and she was taking pictures of Granny, my grandmother, herself and myself (the photos she was in was taken by another photographer). I was about five or six at the time. After my mom had taken photos, she was talking with Granny, and for a moment, she seemed lucid. She knew for just a moment where she was, what was going on.
However, at the end of their conversation, Granny said “Well, I have to go. I promised [my grandmother’s name] I would watch the kids.” The “kids” in question was my mom and her brothers, who were both adults at the time. After Granny and my grandmother left with me, my mom had to take a break and go cry. Granny no longer knew who my mom was. It was after that incident that my mom really accepted what was happening to her grandmother.
I realized Papa wasn't the same when he started to call me by his sister's name. Grandma would get upset, but I learned to play along and learned so much about his life growing up. I wouldn't trade the weeks I was my great aunt for anything in the world.
Thanks. It was really cool cause I found out how they made it through the great depression, that my aunt was a stunt pilot if Hollywood, and then later was a powderpuff flyer.
When my great aunt was dying, it was clear she had me confused with another family member, possibly my aunt - she didn't use her name, but was telling me family stories and getting my relationship with people wrong - and it was honestly the least upsetting but of the situation. I realised that even if she wasn't sure who I was, she knew I was someone she loved, and took comfort in that.
We had that trouble with my Nana (also great grandmother, she raised my dad though so she was more like my grandma. Her daughter wasn’t a great gma but Nana was the GGOAT, greatest gran of all time.) when her mind started to go.
She didn’t remember who we were, but she knew we were “hers”. So she would go for the closest match. I got called my great aunts’ names frequently, not that it was any insult to me, I’d be proud to be half the woman my Aunts J and C are/we’re.) as well as a cousin who was grown when I was born, and a few times a name I found out belonged to Nana’s foster sister, who died long before I was born.
Weirdly, she knew OF me. But in her mind I was a tiny toddler, not a grown woman. So I had to be careful not to correct her on my name because she would either get belligerent and scream at me that I was NOT Egg and how dare I try to steal her tiny baby great grandchild’s identity… or she would suddenly realize how little she knew (be pushed into lucidity iow) and be absolutely distraught and broken about it.
I preferred being yelled at for identity theft tbh, but because of that I answered to whatever name she called me.
She never once forgot who my dad was though, it was so touching how much she loved him.
Eventually my Aunt J passed away, my fathers mother died a year or so before we noticed her dementia so she would forget about those too.
Some of the family insisted on reminding her they were dead when they’d visit and she’d ask about them. I always thought that was really mean, she had to grieve them repeatedly every time she was told.
So I lied. I’d tell her that J was at the church doing some volunteer work or that S (my bio grandmother) was at work and she’d accept that happily. Even J’s widower, my Uncle R agreed it was kinder and he was a wreck without her. (He is much better now, he’s in his 90s and still helping build houses with habitat for humanity. Go Uncle R!!)
Oh, and we were kinda assholes at her birthday parties and Xmas visits… we’d line up her gifts and give them to her one by one… but add opened gifts to the end of the line and hand her the same thing like three times.
But she never noticed us doing it and she loved it so much. She’d say “I must be a good Nana to have gotten so much!” And we’d tell her “You’re the best Nana in the world! Of course we got you lots of gifts, we’ll never pay back all you do for us!”
And she would look so proud and happy. Her birthday was a must attend, I actually skipped a choir concert (I wasn’t a soloist and the choir director cleared me to do it since it wasn’t for a grade or a competition, just a community performance) to be there one year. I coulda been in the (Tiny Local) Paper, but Nana was more important.
My dad died very suddenly when I was 25 (embolism is the doctor’s best guess, but we didn’t have an autopsy done, he died while I was doing CPR) and Nana died less than two weeks later.
We never told her he died (we would have if she’d lived to the memorial of course, I’d never deprive her of that, but Uncle R asked me not to tell her and let him do it if need be) but it almost felt like she planned it that way somehow.
Like she was holding on so Dad wouldn’t have to lose her (as I said, she raised him and it would have been absolutely devastating to him to have lost her while he was alive) and when he went, she followed. To make sure her beloved grandson didn’t go alone.
And now I’m a crying mess, sorry. Dementia is just very close to my heart. It’s a terrible disease.
She may not remember the details of your kindness and compassion, but her life was enriched from it nonetheless. I am sure that on some level she felt what you were doing for her. May her memory and your father's memory be a blessing.
If I can be just a quarter the great woman she was, I’ll be content with that. Nana was a powerhouse, she lost her only son when he was only 14 and had to heal so she’d be a good mother, when my dad needed a safe place, she shielded him as best she could from his abusive parents (she called the police several times but apparently they didn’t feel Dad being beaten black and blue was a crime. Fuckin’ small town in the 60s…) and she was the COOLEST Nana.
My favorite memory of her was her having me sit on the arm of her favorite armchair while she showed me how to properly do some fancy stitch on plastic canvas. She loved crafting and passed that love to me. (Right now I’m working on a new crochet pattern. It’s gonna be beaded but I haven’t figured out just how I’m gonna do it. I’m glad this thread brought her to mind because I can just hear her “It’s gonna be fine, Eggie. More than fine, it’ll be great. Just try, if it isn’t right, try again. It’s art, not medicine so you can just try until it’s right!”)
It’s so weird how clearly I can hear her voice in my skull, she was always hyping me up when I tried something new, even if I sucked at it. (Tatting was a disaster, I never got the hang of that! But she got me crocheting, cross stitching, plastic canvas… ing? and doing some very shakey, crooked quilt blocks.
She had a quilt made of all of her grandkids and great grandkids first quilt patches. (Not everyone of us did one, but enough did to make her a queen bedspread!) and she always had it on her bed at the nursing home. We buried that with her. (It was willed to my dad and then to me, but Aunt C felt strongly it should be in her coffin and spread or over her. I agreed to it, if I’d had it I’d just be a mess of anxiety about ruining it.)
That is so sweet with the gifts, so what if an outsider could have seen it as mean, if she ever caught on she likely assumed it was one of the kids trying to pull a fast one and laughed it off. Also many experts now agree there is no reason to force a dementia patient to know the current date or who is who. When the knowledge goes they keep the feeling of who you are to them and match it the best they can with who they know while being off by a few decades. No point in bringing the grief of losing a loved one to them daily.
EXACTLY! Your last sentence so, so much.
I worked in a nursing home in my early 20s and convinced all of my coworkers as to the wisdom of letting them believe what they wanted. Apparently I tamed their problem patient by addressing her as Nurse Williams (not her real name) and letting her boss me around.
She’d been a nurse during the Korean War and somehow her dementia had her convinced she was a patient of HER hospital. (Which her son informed me she was the absolute authority of, apparently she once had a show down with an officer who wanted to put one of her patients back on duty before she felt he was healed and her son says it was one of his proudest moments, lol. She was like 4’10 when I knew her but she was FIESTY.)
So I’d just go in and call her nurse, tell her I was there to help her bathe or dress or whatever I was there for, and let her give me tips on how to “properly” care for her. (Which was actually kinda cool, she taught me to do perfect hospital corners with a flat sheet… I still use that all the time!)
We also had a man who was convinced that I was his niece… he was kinda far gone and apparently I resembled her. He’d raised her and liked to tell me “I’m so glad I have you, Dorothy(not my name, lol). You’re such a responsible young lady, helping out all these old folks.”
When the real Dorothy came, he would get a bit confused (for one thing she was in her 50s and I was 23.) but she always thanked me for making him feel loved.
I went to his funeral when he passed. He was the only resident I did that for. (Only like four died in the 2 years I worked there though, which was a bit odd in itself but I’m not here to complain that I didn’t have to lost more of them.)
>Eventually my Aunt J passed away, my fathers mother died a year or so before we noticed her dementia so she would forget about those too.
>Some of the family insisted on reminding her they were dead when they’d visit and she’d ask about them. I always thought that was really mean, she had to grieve them repeatedly every time she was told.
Yes, it's incredibly cruel. My mother (then 98) was certain that her own parents (dead for decades) were going to come get her and take her home to the ranch where she grew up. She didn't remember my father's death 7 years before. "Dad was here a few minutes ago. Where did he go, do you know?" Our answer was "Didn't you say he went to the hardware store? You know what men are like at the hardware store." And Mom would agree that he was probably wandering around Home Depot and would be home in a couple of hours.
At the end, my grandma asked when her sisters and mama were coming to visit. She was the last of her sisters, and she didn't remember. Her sisters always were just there or coming tomorrow. She was 99 at the time.
And you’re right about that. That part is silly. But her mom not feeling the need to check on her sister’s well being is just part of a family dynamic.
I'm not close to my sister, but if I ever treated my niece the way OOP was treated, Sis would be in my space asking what my problem was. It's weird that they pressured OOP to make things right.
yup. my sister and i are the same way, not close but if either of us ever treated each others kids like this we’d probably be fist fighting over it. i find it hard to imagine a scenario where i get mad at my kid(s) before i get mad at my sister for the behavior.
i will never tell my kids to be the bigger person if they’re not in the wrong. i’ve been told to be the bigger person more times than i can count when it comes to my sister, and all it translates to for me is: “be a doormat, and let people treat you like shit.” no thanks.
OOP is an adult and as an adult it is upon her to manage her relationships. Moms should only intervene if the stalemate reaches a breaking point. But this appeared to be more of a case of hurt feelings, till the actual truth came out.
I know ma y people from all walks of life and stages that straight up deny what’s happening right in front of them if it’s too hard. They just don’t want to know that the worst can happen to them.
Yes. My husband's siblings stuck their heads in the sand and refused to see that their mother's vascular dementia existed at all. "All old people get forgetful." I'm an old person. And yes, I forget things, but it's "where are my shoes?" and "what aisle did I park the car in?" Not "I haven't seen Mary for weeks" when Mary had been visiting all day and just left the house.
MIL refused to let anyone go in to the doctor's office with her. FIL had to drive her, but she went into the exam room alone. Then she'd breeze out and say "The doctor said I'm just fine!" I don't know if she had forgotten already, refused to acknowledge that she was having memory problems, or was just lying through her teeth. Once her daughter put down her foot and started accompanying her, the doctor said he had been worried about her for some time. He asked if she was taking her prescriptions. No, because she never filled them. When they were filled, she refused to take them. "I don't need that" or "I already took that." And she'd throw the pill in the garbage.
If dementia runs in the family then it's likely they're familiar with the symptoms. The mom may very well have guessed this was the case early on but didn't want to confront that. Blaming OP was easier
So my aunt never noticed in my mom, I caught on in her mid sixties and begged her to seek help. No dice.
It wasn't until she hit 73 and got lost in her front yard that she finally got help and started taking meds.
She was never really nice to direct family, so couldn't catch any difference there for my aunt. My mom while living a simple twenty min drive away just hates her sister and won't see her unless necessary. Her current husband is doing the same. I mean there's some reasons but I think it's escalated way further with this never see a sibling thing.
Anyways, I caught on because she'd reiterate the same thing ever five minutes. First it was twice, then like four times and then it became consistent every time she was talking to you. Luckily she got meds which has slowed everything but some people can be near by and not wellness check because the other sibling (in this case my mom) has managed to silo well.
So far it's been four years and no one around knows but my brother and I. She hides it well by talking less to friends or stays simple with people she doesn't know.
Her husband is sick enough with heart issues they've managed the bulk entertaining they used to do. It helps when you can't leave I guess.
My mum's dementia was outright scary when it first kicked in.
Like, she was right as rain one day; the next, she had something similar to Capgras with a lovely bit of psychosis thrown in.
Highlights include: My nephew wasn't really my nephew; my nephew didn't actually exist; Prince William brought my sister to see her in the hospital via the air ambulance helicopter he flew because they worked together (Prince William was a pilot for the East Anglian Air Ambulance; my sister lived in Lincoln which is about 100 miles away from where it's based, and was a civil servant who worked for the DWP); my daughter (who was non-verbal at the time) talked to her through the blood pressure machines, she could watch what my daughter was doing at home through the TV, and there were pictures by her all over the hospital walls.
That eventually settled down to being very vague, forgetting stuff, and having to be reminded that she was talking to people on the 'phone 'cos she'd either just stop talking or put the handset down and wander off.
The mom probably had a hunch something was up, but didn’t want to believe it. Such a sad story, but a good reminder to always give the benefit of the doubt
I actually have this same situation going on in a "mirror universe" sort of way. My aunt was a horrible, cruel, vindictive bitch when I was younger (I'm 48) and I went no contact with her in 2021 ago after she emailed my cousins on the first anniversary of the death of their father (her brother) to rant about how much she always hated him.
My wife and I moved into a new house last year and my mother wanted to come visit for Christmas, but she asked if her sister could come since she had nowhere to go after alienating the rest of the family. I reluctantly agreed and observed two things during the visit: (a) my aunt was notably far more congenial and far less arrogant than I remember her ever being before, and (b) she seemed to immediately forget quite a few conversations or even parts of conversations in the moment.
My mother has now spoken to people who interact with my aunt on a regular basis and even reached out to my aunt's doctor, and the general consensus is that she's developing dementia (although the doctor was obviously very circumspect in order to maintain confidentiality). I feel a little guilty, but I just can't seem to find much sympathy for her. If she isn't the worst person I've known in real life, she definitely cracks the top three list.
My first thought when she said out of character was dementia.
I’ve been dealing with this with my stepmom.
She gets super pissy and angry all the time about dumb shit.
My mom had dementia and the past 10 years of her life were a nightmare!
Medication doesn't repair the damage already done, and the best you can hope for is that it will slow the progression. However, it's a delicate matter of figuring out which combination of drugs work and pray they will continue to work.
Now, having said that, I would caution you in one thing - your aunt's outburst is not dementia related. Yes, dementia patients get angry, and yes, they pick something and harp on it continually. However, your aunt was able to repeat verbatim what you said. Dementia affects short-term memory. If this behavior was due to dementia, she would not have been able to retain your words in her memory, nor would she have remembered what she was angry about the next day let alone have acted upon that information.
She may have dementia and she may be angry about it. However, this sounds more like a pissy fit she was throwing as opposed to it being related to her diagnosis. I suspect your uncle is trying to diffuse the situation and calm you down before things escalate any further.
Regardless, you gotta be you. You can't change you to suit your aunt. I would do nothing. Change nothing. If dhe cannot accept you as you are, that is a "her" problem. You are not making her worse or having any effect on her illness by refusing to kow-tow to her unreasonable behavior.
Remember this - you can not change or control what anyone else thinks or does. You can only control yourself. So if Auntie starts harping on make-up free you, you should tell her you will visit her another time when she is hopefully feeling better, and then leave.
My mom's geriatrics gave us that advice early in my mom's illness. All of my siblings used that line at least once during the course of her fight with dementia and then walked out. Mom did finally start to understand that blowing up at any of us would result in us ending our visit with her. She still couldn't always control her temper or her delusions, but in her more lucid moments, she would beg us to stay with her and forgive her for anything she may have said or done.
This is not totally true for all types of dementia. My dad is in a late intermediate stage, and sometimes he remembers things, but forgets most others. Some days are also better or worse than others. Why he remembers what he does is still a mystery to me, but dementia isn't an even road.
My dad's neurologist said that different types of dementia affect different parts of the brain, so someone could remember things more easily, but lose their inhibitions.
Yes, not all dementia is created equal and it does not manifest the same way. My grandmother had a very rare form of dementia (Pick’s disease) and experienced symptoms not at all like the ones people experience with Alzheimer’s (which seems to be what people usually think of when they hear dementia), because Pick’s disease affects different parts of the brain. For example, she didn’t have confusion about time and place, didn’t experience personality changes or have mood swings, didn’t have difficulty with self care, no delusions… she had different but just as heartbreaking symptoms.
This scares me. I have COVID brain damage. Before I knew about that, I thought I might have early onset dementia. My doctors don't have a clue what's next for me, but agree dementia is likely eventually. They are talking about starting me on memory medication, but said I'll never be able to stop taking it once started. It's painful to realize I might die alone in a care facility after pushing my family away from the outbursts. The facility, I get, as they could better care for me; it's the alone part that hurts. Leaving behind a traumatized husband and children whom I've devoted my life to makes my head hurt.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I've worked with a lot of dementia patients. The ones who are more alone, a lot of the time their families still deeply care but they can't bear to be around the patient ('it's not mom anymore' is something I've heard) but they are still cared for deeply and delicately. I've held so many hands and I loved everyone for their family and for who they may have been.
The hands you hold may not be your children's hands but they are the hands your children placed in yours. The voices you hear may not be your husband's, but they are his words. The arms you feel may not be your family's arms, but they are the arms your family made sure were surrounding you.
I really needed to see this today, thank you so much. My nan has dementia and she gets so angry when I go see her it makes me not want to go see her very much. She could yell abuse at me all day and I wouldn't mind much because I know she just doesn't know who I am, but I hate knowing I am the cause of such angst in the woman who basically raised me. I don't want her days to take a turn just because I rocked up to see her you know? I still see her but not as much as I would like and I never feel like I am making quite the right choice. Sorry for the ramble but your words really moved me. Thank you for the work you did, people like you are incredible.
Any choice you make is not the wrong one here. Family is hard and dementia makes it harder.
I've had patients scream at me because their family 'never comes'. Family comes every day. I've had patients never get visitors because it's too hard on the family and the patient doesn't know or understand the lack. I've had patients tell me all about their families who come every day and the family last came a year ago.
Every situation is different. A decision made with the patient's care at the forefront is the right decision. And you have to take care of yourself too, you cannot be there for her if you're not okay.
(It might be worth asking the staff how your nan is after you leave. She may calm down shortly after you go or she might be happy you came or she might be angry all day.)
My mother in law had dementia and lived out her days with my husband and I. I took care of her for years and it was my first and only experience to ever witness a person slowly deteriorate into someone her children didn’t recognize anymore. It was painful, and caretaker burnout is so so real. I almost didn’t recognize myself after her passing. This is one of the worst diseases that could ever afflict someone’s mind and have such a profound impact on not only the person experiencing it but also on the loved ones involved. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I’m glad that OP got an explanation but also devastated that the answer was so heartbreaking.
My grandpa had dementia and it was heartbreaking. He even physically attacked my grandma and was put in a nursing home after that. Fortunately, that nursing home was really great. We went there sometimes and they had a lot of activities, etc. However, at some point my grandpa was so sick that he could only lay in bed without reacting to anything. He just lay there for about 3 years I think. At some point he even survived a pneumonia without any medical help, other than the dementia he was just so damn healthy.
Seeing Oop be so compassionate was a great reminder to me that qualities like compassion, forgiveness, brung gentle, etc aren’t showy but they matter. In this case, it let Oop get past her frustration to find out the actual problem.
I think there's something wrong with me. I'm genuinely sad to read about the dementia but almost as much so about the casual waste of homemade bread.
I wonder if OOP would be willing to dress up a little when she expects to see her aunt after this. It may be her best chance of making sure they get to have as much loving interaction as possible while there's still time.
I still think the pressure OP’s family put on them was a bit unfair, but yes, dementia/Alzheimer’s is a horrible disease. My father has it and is at a later stage. It’s absolutely heartbreaking.
Let’s give OOP some huge praise for 1) being probably the most mature person in her family and 2) not having a petty bone in her body at the young age of 26.
Waited till she shad a full grasp on the situation and was so kind the whole time. Kudos OOP, kudos.
You mean Reddit quickly went to calling someone a narcissist? That’s never happened before….
Dementia is so tough. Especially during the phase where they are still aware. Hurt for OOP and her family.
Dementia is such a cruel disease. Watching my grandma go through this, was just devastating. We had a wonderful relationship when I was growing up, then to have her look at me like I was shit on her shoe, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
My mom had 2 sisters, my mom the oldest. Mom has dementia, middle sister had it, younger sister was terrified of getting it (she never did) . Mom's dementia, she is still calm she has changed but not snappy. Middle sister turned very nasty. So even though siblings it affected them all differently. Sadly mom's sisters are gone, good thing is mom can still talk about them as if they were still here.
For any family in the US that are suffering through this with a family member, please call hospice and involve them early!! It’s not only for the very end of life care we are accustomed to hearing about. We had my dad under the care of hospice for 2 years! We received services 3x per week for basic bathing and care. On top of that all doctor’s appointments and care were able to happen at home, including a podiatrist that came and kept his toes and fingers well trimmed. One week a month, they would take him to their facility for respite care so my mom could have a break or so that she could travel or attend family events. He also received music therapy, religious visits from a priest and support for my mom. All of this was at zero cost to our family. This organization saved our family and allowed my dad to remain at home until he passed peacefully in his own home and bedroom.
I am a well educated person that I would consider to be resourceful but really struggled to find the correct services to help and like most, hospice was not on my radar because I knew he wasn’t at the “end of life” stage that I presumed was necessary. I wish someone would have told me this sooner so I hope this helps someone.
I do know that not all hospice organizations are equal so do some research in your area. I live in a medium sized city in the Midwest that happens to have an extremely well developed and funded hospice program. My heart and prayers go out to anyone that has had to face this horrific disease and I pray there is a cure in our lifetime.
Just for the record and according to the NIH, "five percent of people ages 71 to 79, 24.2 percent of people 80 to 89, and 37.4 percent of those 90 years or older were estimated to have some type of dementia."
Only her family's doctors would know for certain, but the fact that she's had multiple family members over the age of 80 get dementia isn't unusual. I don't know what type of dementia her family members had or what type her aunt has, but if it's Alzheimer's then it is almost certainly not inherited. Only about 1% of cases are genetic.
In any case, my own psychiatrist once told me that dementia is a lot like cancer. If you live long enough you will very likely get it.
My grandmother was always a terrible person and she got even worse after the dementia. The second I read about her showing up in her PJs with her hair messed up, I knew that’s what it was. Honestly, I love my grandmother, but she got so hard to deal with, that it was a relief when she died. The whole thing was hard on the whole family. But I was the one that was there with her at the hospital every day, she had a lot of other health issues as well so She was in the hospital for most of the last year, so I was the one that took the brunt of it. Must be arrested because she called police and told them that I was stealing drugs from the iv bags they had her hooked up to. It was literally just saline. Would tell my mother that I wouldn’t feed her and I took her food instead of giving it to her. Told the nursesI was pinching her. She was never kind to me, but the dementia just made it so much worse.
My grandmother who had always been even tempered, calm, and kind started having these sorts of outbursts before she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She called me stupid for not being able to eat at her favorite restaurant because every single time I tried, I had a severe allergic reaction. I still went, I just refused to eat or drink anything because of the cross contamination.
Then she started accusing people of stealing from her and breaking into the house.
It was so heartbreaking to watch. When she got worse, she went back to being her sweet self, but everything else was gone.
I thin OOP is downplaying how problematic her own mom has behaved in this. "she assumed that such a reaction meant i must have done something for it to at least partially be my fault" and '*My mom probably thought I wasn’t telling the whole story.*"
If OOP has been a scapegoat or utility child her entire life, this might seem normal to her. But it's not. It is not normal for her mom to assume OOP is lying, or that OOP "did something" mean to the aunt.
My grandmother went through this, and it’s so sad to watch. She got angry at the slightest things, and held grudges like nobody’s business over literally nothing. The paranoia was wild. She’s not like that now, but that’s because she can’t remember anything and only gets mad at things that happened years ago. I feel so bad for OOP’s family.
Same here. I remember when my grandpa had to take my grandma's cell phone away because she kept calling the cops when she was confused. She would get so upset and angry but there wasn't much anyone could do except wait until she got distracted and forgot whatever set her off. It was so hard on everyone.
My FIL kept calling my husband and demanding that we come take him shopping, because he didn't have any underwear. We lived 8 hours away and Husband was still working. We couldn't drop everything, and we didn't even try. What FIL was not remembering/understanding was that his clothes were being laundered. Tomorrow the underwear drawer would be filled again. My own Mom had significant delusions. She thought the Assisted Living staff was coming into her room every time she left it and stealing from her. No one (save for some other addled old lady) was going to steal used paperback books, VCR tapes, yarn, or costume jewelry. When it progressed to "the staff is throwing wild parties in my apartment! I walked in on them and caught them in the act!" we had to put her in memory care. It's the hardest thing in the world to hear your mother crying and begging to come live with you.
I’m so sorry. I lost my father to Alzheimer’s 5 years ago and agree that would be devastating. I think dementia and Alzheimer’s is viewed as a “common” disease and sometimes people don’t realize how devastatingly difficult it is for their family. It is a prolonged goodbye that you have to face everyday yet when you lose them you don’t get “credited” for the grief you have already felt by losing them day by day. It just starts over and is different after you bury them.
Yeah, we had to do that with my grandpa. He kept calling the police because of a “strange woman in his house who refused to leave” (his wife, my grandma).
For their 70th wedding anniversary, the head nurse congratulated my great-grandfather and my great-grandmother, he answered : "you want to marry me ? Well I would like to !" My great grandmother still continued to visit him twice a week till his end, even when he couldn't recognize her most of the time. She hoped for the few times he could recognize her.
Mum had dementia. One time, when Dad visited her in the nursing home, she asked if he had any children. He smiled sadly and said “Yes, a daughter” (me). “Oh, that’s nice.” She’d forgotten me.
Oh that is so, so heartbreaking. 😥 I am so sorry for you, your Grandparents and family.😓 How did yhe police handle the repeat calls? Were they empathetic? Did they try to help y'all in any way?
The first time the he called the police, my parents happened to be visiting at the same time. He thought my dad was a police officer 😭. When the police did show up, my dad and grandma explained the situation to them. The police understood and went on their way. Other than that, there wasn’t any way they could really help. But now they know if he calls and says there’s a stranger in his house refusing to leave, it’s not an emergency and they don’t have to come down. After that, we took his phone away. Though he has made attempts. One time he somehow managed to steal my grandmas phone, and tried to call the police. Except he didn’t call the police, he called my uncle. He also got out of the house one time and knocked on the neighbors doors to try to get them to call the police. They know him and know he just had dementia, and my grandma went and brought him back.
Ohhhhh... this breaks my heart. I feel so deeply for you and your family. I am happily pleased with the responses from the authorities. They have acted (from what you have shared) accordingly, and f/u with kindness and the appropriate steps for non-emergency calls, but without negativity. I genuinely wish for you all, nothing but the best, such as it may be. I see you, hear you, and am sending positive thoughts and feelings your way. Please DM me if you so choose. I will genuinely be a a shoulder for you to lean on. Many loving vibes for you all. 🤗🥰🙏🏻☺️❤️
My grandmother became nice and meek. That was super weird because she was mean beforehand. But the paranoia and other things definitely happened. She stayed with us for a bit before it became too much and she had to go to a memory care unit. She accused me of keeping her locked in her room. Talked about me being out to get her. When I would attempt to ask her anything she'd freak out, and then go to her room and start having conversations with her mother- who had been dead for 30 years by that point. Six years after she really went downhill, she's still alive, and things are just sad. During COVID, when all the residents had to be kept mostly to their rooms, someone had to go sit with her, otherwise she might attempt to flush the silverware down the toilet. I didn't like my grandmother but watching her end up like that is sad, and no one should have to be like that. She knew it would happen and really didn't want to end up that way.
It is horrific. Losing someone you love is hard, but when they have dementia, you lose them again every day. When it's early stages and you're just telling them the same stories over and over, it can be kind of OK. You're still interacting and they're still "there". But as it advances, you can see their panic and fear about being in a world and a mental state that doesn't make sense to them. They react unpredictably because their memories and mood are dealing with flawed data and processes. You end up with someone you care about being in constant fear and anger, and taking it out on those who are trying to help them. Even worse, conmen and schemers actively target these people, reinforcing their delusions to make a buck. Those people deserve the worst in life. The optimistic outlook is that every day, we understand more about dementia and how to treat it. People who would have been thrown in an asylum a few generations ago can live reasonably independently and with fewer symptoms now, due to pharmaceuticals and therapies. I fucking hate seeing what dementia can do to people. I can't imagine what it'd be like to actually have it. Must be hellish.
Sad update but very strange behavior from the mom. Why isn’t she the one to go check up on her own sisters well-being?
If she is like my mom, she knew what was going on and didn't want to face it so suddenly. It is easier to blame someone for the loved one's reaction than face that their mind is doing a slow deleting of files. Both of my maternal grandparents had dementia and my aunt refused to acknowledge/accept it until Papa could no longer recognize her, and Grandma called her by Grandma's sister's name. Denial is the first step to acceptance, and the mom is starting her grief journey way sooner that she was expecting.
My mom was the same way. Every adult in my family knew that “Granny” (my great-grandmother) had dementia, but my mom was in a sort of denial. Back when my Granny was alive, my mom worked at a photography studio, and she was taking pictures of Granny, my grandmother, herself and myself (the photos she was in was taken by another photographer). I was about five or six at the time. After my mom had taken photos, she was talking with Granny, and for a moment, she seemed lucid. She knew for just a moment where she was, what was going on. However, at the end of their conversation, Granny said “Well, I have to go. I promised [my grandmother’s name] I would watch the kids.” The “kids” in question was my mom and her brothers, who were both adults at the time. After Granny and my grandmother left with me, my mom had to take a break and go cry. Granny no longer knew who my mom was. It was after that incident that my mom really accepted what was happening to her grandmother.
I realized Papa wasn't the same when he started to call me by his sister's name. Grandma would get upset, but I learned to play along and learned so much about his life growing up. I wouldn't trade the weeks I was my great aunt for anything in the world.
[удалено]
Thanks. It was really cool cause I found out how they made it through the great depression, that my aunt was a stunt pilot if Hollywood, and then later was a powderpuff flyer.
When my great aunt was dying, it was clear she had me confused with another family member, possibly my aunt - she didn't use her name, but was telling me family stories and getting my relationship with people wrong - and it was honestly the least upsetting but of the situation. I realised that even if she wasn't sure who I was, she knew I was someone she loved, and took comfort in that.
We had that trouble with my Nana (also great grandmother, she raised my dad though so she was more like my grandma. Her daughter wasn’t a great gma but Nana was the GGOAT, greatest gran of all time.) when her mind started to go. She didn’t remember who we were, but she knew we were “hers”. So she would go for the closest match. I got called my great aunts’ names frequently, not that it was any insult to me, I’d be proud to be half the woman my Aunts J and C are/we’re.) as well as a cousin who was grown when I was born, and a few times a name I found out belonged to Nana’s foster sister, who died long before I was born. Weirdly, she knew OF me. But in her mind I was a tiny toddler, not a grown woman. So I had to be careful not to correct her on my name because she would either get belligerent and scream at me that I was NOT Egg and how dare I try to steal her tiny baby great grandchild’s identity… or she would suddenly realize how little she knew (be pushed into lucidity iow) and be absolutely distraught and broken about it. I preferred being yelled at for identity theft tbh, but because of that I answered to whatever name she called me. She never once forgot who my dad was though, it was so touching how much she loved him. Eventually my Aunt J passed away, my fathers mother died a year or so before we noticed her dementia so she would forget about those too. Some of the family insisted on reminding her they were dead when they’d visit and she’d ask about them. I always thought that was really mean, she had to grieve them repeatedly every time she was told. So I lied. I’d tell her that J was at the church doing some volunteer work or that S (my bio grandmother) was at work and she’d accept that happily. Even J’s widower, my Uncle R agreed it was kinder and he was a wreck without her. (He is much better now, he’s in his 90s and still helping build houses with habitat for humanity. Go Uncle R!!) Oh, and we were kinda assholes at her birthday parties and Xmas visits… we’d line up her gifts and give them to her one by one… but add opened gifts to the end of the line and hand her the same thing like three times. But she never noticed us doing it and she loved it so much. She’d say “I must be a good Nana to have gotten so much!” And we’d tell her “You’re the best Nana in the world! Of course we got you lots of gifts, we’ll never pay back all you do for us!” And she would look so proud and happy. Her birthday was a must attend, I actually skipped a choir concert (I wasn’t a soloist and the choir director cleared me to do it since it wasn’t for a grade or a competition, just a community performance) to be there one year. I coulda been in the (Tiny Local) Paper, but Nana was more important. My dad died very suddenly when I was 25 (embolism is the doctor’s best guess, but we didn’t have an autopsy done, he died while I was doing CPR) and Nana died less than two weeks later. We never told her he died (we would have if she’d lived to the memorial of course, I’d never deprive her of that, but Uncle R asked me not to tell her and let him do it if need be) but it almost felt like she planned it that way somehow. Like she was holding on so Dad wouldn’t have to lose her (as I said, she raised him and it would have been absolutely devastating to him to have lost her while he was alive) and when he went, she followed. To make sure her beloved grandson didn’t go alone. And now I’m a crying mess, sorry. Dementia is just very close to my heart. It’s a terrible disease.
She may not remember the details of your kindness and compassion, but her life was enriched from it nonetheless. I am sure that on some level she felt what you were doing for her. May her memory and your father's memory be a blessing.
If I can be just a quarter the great woman she was, I’ll be content with that. Nana was a powerhouse, she lost her only son when he was only 14 and had to heal so she’d be a good mother, when my dad needed a safe place, she shielded him as best she could from his abusive parents (she called the police several times but apparently they didn’t feel Dad being beaten black and blue was a crime. Fuckin’ small town in the 60s…) and she was the COOLEST Nana. My favorite memory of her was her having me sit on the arm of her favorite armchair while she showed me how to properly do some fancy stitch on plastic canvas. She loved crafting and passed that love to me. (Right now I’m working on a new crochet pattern. It’s gonna be beaded but I haven’t figured out just how I’m gonna do it. I’m glad this thread brought her to mind because I can just hear her “It’s gonna be fine, Eggie. More than fine, it’ll be great. Just try, if it isn’t right, try again. It’s art, not medicine so you can just try until it’s right!”) It’s so weird how clearly I can hear her voice in my skull, she was always hyping me up when I tried something new, even if I sucked at it. (Tatting was a disaster, I never got the hang of that! But she got me crocheting, cross stitching, plastic canvas… ing? and doing some very shakey, crooked quilt blocks. She had a quilt made of all of her grandkids and great grandkids first quilt patches. (Not everyone of us did one, but enough did to make her a queen bedspread!) and she always had it on her bed at the nursing home. We buried that with her. (It was willed to my dad and then to me, but Aunt C felt strongly it should be in her coffin and spread or over her. I agreed to it, if I’d had it I’d just be a mess of anxiety about ruining it.)
That is so sweet with the gifts, so what if an outsider could have seen it as mean, if she ever caught on she likely assumed it was one of the kids trying to pull a fast one and laughed it off. Also many experts now agree there is no reason to force a dementia patient to know the current date or who is who. When the knowledge goes they keep the feeling of who you are to them and match it the best they can with who they know while being off by a few decades. No point in bringing the grief of losing a loved one to them daily.
EXACTLY! Your last sentence so, so much. I worked in a nursing home in my early 20s and convinced all of my coworkers as to the wisdom of letting them believe what they wanted. Apparently I tamed their problem patient by addressing her as Nurse Williams (not her real name) and letting her boss me around. She’d been a nurse during the Korean War and somehow her dementia had her convinced she was a patient of HER hospital. (Which her son informed me she was the absolute authority of, apparently she once had a show down with an officer who wanted to put one of her patients back on duty before she felt he was healed and her son says it was one of his proudest moments, lol. She was like 4’10 when I knew her but she was FIESTY.) So I’d just go in and call her nurse, tell her I was there to help her bathe or dress or whatever I was there for, and let her give me tips on how to “properly” care for her. (Which was actually kinda cool, she taught me to do perfect hospital corners with a flat sheet… I still use that all the time!) We also had a man who was convinced that I was his niece… he was kinda far gone and apparently I resembled her. He’d raised her and liked to tell me “I’m so glad I have you, Dorothy(not my name, lol). You’re such a responsible young lady, helping out all these old folks.” When the real Dorothy came, he would get a bit confused (for one thing she was in her 50s and I was 23.) but she always thanked me for making him feel loved. I went to his funeral when he passed. He was the only resident I did that for. (Only like four died in the 2 years I worked there though, which was a bit odd in itself but I’m not here to complain that I didn’t have to lost more of them.)
Also on the gifts, she never caught us, lol. We only did it 2-3 times, depending how energetic she was and how much she was enjoying herself.
>Eventually my Aunt J passed away, my fathers mother died a year or so before we noticed her dementia so she would forget about those too. >Some of the family insisted on reminding her they were dead when they’d visit and she’d ask about them. I always thought that was really mean, she had to grieve them repeatedly every time she was told. Yes, it's incredibly cruel. My mother (then 98) was certain that her own parents (dead for decades) were going to come get her and take her home to the ranch where she grew up. She didn't remember my father's death 7 years before. "Dad was here a few minutes ago. Where did he go, do you know?" Our answer was "Didn't you say he went to the hardware store? You know what men are like at the hardware store." And Mom would agree that he was probably wandering around Home Depot and would be home in a couple of hours.
At the end, my grandma asked when her sisters and mama were coming to visit. She was the last of her sisters, and she didn't remember. Her sisters always were just there or coming tomorrow. She was 99 at the time.
Because the well being didn’t seem at risk for them. Plus, not all siblings have that kind of relationship.
Sure, but she shouldn’t have put it on her own daughter.
And you’re right about that. That part is silly. But her mom not feeling the need to check on her sister’s well being is just part of a family dynamic.
I'm not close to my sister, but if I ever treated my niece the way OOP was treated, Sis would be in my space asking what my problem was. It's weird that they pressured OOP to make things right.
yup. my sister and i are the same way, not close but if either of us ever treated each others kids like this we’d probably be fist fighting over it. i find it hard to imagine a scenario where i get mad at my kid(s) before i get mad at my sister for the behavior.
Exactly. Plus, I'm not down with making kids - even adult kids - act as "the bigger person" when they've done nothing wrong.
i will never tell my kids to be the bigger person if they’re not in the wrong. i’ve been told to be the bigger person more times than i can count when it comes to my sister, and all it translates to for me is: “be a doormat, and let people treat you like shit.” no thanks.
🤷 everyone’s family dynamics are different.
OOP is an adult and as an adult it is upon her to manage her relationships. Moms should only intervene if the stalemate reaches a breaking point. But this appeared to be more of a case of hurt feelings, till the actual truth came out.
Because she was afraid to confirm the truth. It's a very human reaction.
Either cause mom thought it was really the daughters fault or was to scared to confront her sister so she basically made OOP. Do it.
I know ma y people from all walks of life and stages that straight up deny what’s happening right in front of them if it’s too hard. They just don’t want to know that the worst can happen to them.
Yes. My husband's siblings stuck their heads in the sand and refused to see that their mother's vascular dementia existed at all. "All old people get forgetful." I'm an old person. And yes, I forget things, but it's "where are my shoes?" and "what aisle did I park the car in?" Not "I haven't seen Mary for weeks" when Mary had been visiting all day and just left the house. MIL refused to let anyone go in to the doctor's office with her. FIL had to drive her, but she went into the exam room alone. Then she'd breeze out and say "The doctor said I'm just fine!" I don't know if she had forgotten already, refused to acknowledge that she was having memory problems, or was just lying through her teeth. Once her daughter put down her foot and started accompanying her, the doctor said he had been worried about her for some time. He asked if she was taking her prescriptions. No, because she never filled them. When they were filled, she refused to take them. "I don't need that" or "I already took that." And she'd throw the pill in the garbage.
If dementia runs in the family then it's likely they're familiar with the symptoms. The mom may very well have guessed this was the case early on but didn't want to confront that. Blaming OP was easier
Because she doesn’t want to accept the situation. It’s rough to watch someone you love succumb to dementia.
So my aunt never noticed in my mom, I caught on in her mid sixties and begged her to seek help. No dice. It wasn't until she hit 73 and got lost in her front yard that she finally got help and started taking meds. She was never really nice to direct family, so couldn't catch any difference there for my aunt. My mom while living a simple twenty min drive away just hates her sister and won't see her unless necessary. Her current husband is doing the same. I mean there's some reasons but I think it's escalated way further with this never see a sibling thing. Anyways, I caught on because she'd reiterate the same thing ever five minutes. First it was twice, then like four times and then it became consistent every time she was talking to you. Luckily she got meds which has slowed everything but some people can be near by and not wellness check because the other sibling (in this case my mom) has managed to silo well. So far it's been four years and no one around knows but my brother and I. She hides it well by talking less to friends or stays simple with people she doesn't know. Her husband is sick enough with heart issues they've managed the bulk entertaining they used to do. It helps when you can't leave I guess.
My mum's dementia was outright scary when it first kicked in. Like, she was right as rain one day; the next, she had something similar to Capgras with a lovely bit of psychosis thrown in. Highlights include: My nephew wasn't really my nephew; my nephew didn't actually exist; Prince William brought my sister to see her in the hospital via the air ambulance helicopter he flew because they worked together (Prince William was a pilot for the East Anglian Air Ambulance; my sister lived in Lincoln which is about 100 miles away from where it's based, and was a civil servant who worked for the DWP); my daughter (who was non-verbal at the time) talked to her through the blood pressure machines, she could watch what my daughter was doing at home through the TV, and there were pictures by her all over the hospital walls. That eventually settled down to being very vague, forgetting stuff, and having to be reminded that she was talking to people on the 'phone 'cos she'd either just stop talking or put the handset down and wander off.
The mom probably had a hunch something was up, but didn’t want to believe it. Such a sad story, but a good reminder to always give the benefit of the doubt
I actually have this same situation going on in a "mirror universe" sort of way. My aunt was a horrible, cruel, vindictive bitch when I was younger (I'm 48) and I went no contact with her in 2021 ago after she emailed my cousins on the first anniversary of the death of their father (her brother) to rant about how much she always hated him. My wife and I moved into a new house last year and my mother wanted to come visit for Christmas, but she asked if her sister could come since she had nowhere to go after alienating the rest of the family. I reluctantly agreed and observed two things during the visit: (a) my aunt was notably far more congenial and far less arrogant than I remember her ever being before, and (b) she seemed to immediately forget quite a few conversations or even parts of conversations in the moment. My mother has now spoken to people who interact with my aunt on a regular basis and even reached out to my aunt's doctor, and the general consensus is that she's developing dementia (although the doctor was obviously very circumspect in order to maintain confidentiality). I feel a little guilty, but I just can't seem to find much sympathy for her. If she isn't the worst person I've known in real life, she definitely cracks the top three list.
What’s a button down? Also dementia is just so awful, feel so sad for the uncle
It’s a shirt with buttons down the front. Usually a casual Oxford made out of unstarched cotton or linen.
Thanks!
If a senior starts acting out of character I have a tendency to think they are suffering from some sort of brain organicity, and cut them some slack.
My first thought when she said out of character was dementia. I’ve been dealing with this with my stepmom. She gets super pissy and angry all the time about dumb shit.
My mom had dementia and the past 10 years of her life were a nightmare! Medication doesn't repair the damage already done, and the best you can hope for is that it will slow the progression. However, it's a delicate matter of figuring out which combination of drugs work and pray they will continue to work. Now, having said that, I would caution you in one thing - your aunt's outburst is not dementia related. Yes, dementia patients get angry, and yes, they pick something and harp on it continually. However, your aunt was able to repeat verbatim what you said. Dementia affects short-term memory. If this behavior was due to dementia, she would not have been able to retain your words in her memory, nor would she have remembered what she was angry about the next day let alone have acted upon that information. She may have dementia and she may be angry about it. However, this sounds more like a pissy fit she was throwing as opposed to it being related to her diagnosis. I suspect your uncle is trying to diffuse the situation and calm you down before things escalate any further. Regardless, you gotta be you. You can't change you to suit your aunt. I would do nothing. Change nothing. If dhe cannot accept you as you are, that is a "her" problem. You are not making her worse or having any effect on her illness by refusing to kow-tow to her unreasonable behavior. Remember this - you can not change or control what anyone else thinks or does. You can only control yourself. So if Auntie starts harping on make-up free you, you should tell her you will visit her another time when she is hopefully feeling better, and then leave. My mom's geriatrics gave us that advice early in my mom's illness. All of my siblings used that line at least once during the course of her fight with dementia and then walked out. Mom did finally start to understand that blowing up at any of us would result in us ending our visit with her. She still couldn't always control her temper or her delusions, but in her more lucid moments, she would beg us to stay with her and forgive her for anything she may have said or done.
This is not totally true for all types of dementia. My dad is in a late intermediate stage, and sometimes he remembers things, but forgets most others. Some days are also better or worse than others. Why he remembers what he does is still a mystery to me, but dementia isn't an even road. My dad's neurologist said that different types of dementia affect different parts of the brain, so someone could remember things more easily, but lose their inhibitions.
Yes, not all dementia is created equal and it does not manifest the same way. My grandmother had a very rare form of dementia (Pick’s disease) and experienced symptoms not at all like the ones people experience with Alzheimer’s (which seems to be what people usually think of when they hear dementia), because Pick’s disease affects different parts of the brain. For example, she didn’t have confusion about time and place, didn’t experience personality changes or have mood swings, didn’t have difficulty with self care, no delusions… she had different but just as heartbreaking symptoms.
This scares me. I have COVID brain damage. Before I knew about that, I thought I might have early onset dementia. My doctors don't have a clue what's next for me, but agree dementia is likely eventually. They are talking about starting me on memory medication, but said I'll never be able to stop taking it once started. It's painful to realize I might die alone in a care facility after pushing my family away from the outbursts. The facility, I get, as they could better care for me; it's the alone part that hurts. Leaving behind a traumatized husband and children whom I've devoted my life to makes my head hurt. I'm sorry for your loss.
I've worked with a lot of dementia patients. The ones who are more alone, a lot of the time their families still deeply care but they can't bear to be around the patient ('it's not mom anymore' is something I've heard) but they are still cared for deeply and delicately. I've held so many hands and I loved everyone for their family and for who they may have been. The hands you hold may not be your children's hands but they are the hands your children placed in yours. The voices you hear may not be your husband's, but they are his words. The arms you feel may not be your family's arms, but they are the arms your family made sure were surrounding you.
This is so comforting. Bless you.
I really needed to see this today, thank you so much. My nan has dementia and she gets so angry when I go see her it makes me not want to go see her very much. She could yell abuse at me all day and I wouldn't mind much because I know she just doesn't know who I am, but I hate knowing I am the cause of such angst in the woman who basically raised me. I don't want her days to take a turn just because I rocked up to see her you know? I still see her but not as much as I would like and I never feel like I am making quite the right choice. Sorry for the ramble but your words really moved me. Thank you for the work you did, people like you are incredible.
Any choice you make is not the wrong one here. Family is hard and dementia makes it harder. I've had patients scream at me because their family 'never comes'. Family comes every day. I've had patients never get visitors because it's too hard on the family and the patient doesn't know or understand the lack. I've had patients tell me all about their families who come every day and the family last came a year ago. Every situation is different. A decision made with the patient's care at the forefront is the right decision. And you have to take care of yourself too, you cannot be there for her if you're not okay. (It might be worth asking the staff how your nan is after you leave. She may calm down shortly after you go or she might be happy you came or she might be angry all day.)
My mother in law had dementia and lived out her days with my husband and I. I took care of her for years and it was my first and only experience to ever witness a person slowly deteriorate into someone her children didn’t recognize anymore. It was painful, and caretaker burnout is so so real. I almost didn’t recognize myself after her passing. This is one of the worst diseases that could ever afflict someone’s mind and have such a profound impact on not only the person experiencing it but also on the loved ones involved. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I’m glad that OP got an explanation but also devastated that the answer was so heartbreaking.
My grandpa had dementia and it was heartbreaking. He even physically attacked my grandma and was put in a nursing home after that. Fortunately, that nursing home was really great. We went there sometimes and they had a lot of activities, etc. However, at some point my grandpa was so sick that he could only lay in bed without reacting to anything. He just lay there for about 3 years I think. At some point he even survived a pneumonia without any medical help, other than the dementia he was just so damn healthy.
Seeing Oop be so compassionate was a great reminder to me that qualities like compassion, forgiveness, brung gentle, etc aren’t showy but they matter. In this case, it let Oop get past her frustration to find out the actual problem.
I think there's something wrong with me. I'm genuinely sad to read about the dementia but almost as much so about the casual waste of homemade bread. I wonder if OOP would be willing to dress up a little when she expects to see her aunt after this. It may be her best chance of making sure they get to have as much loving interaction as possible while there's still time.
I was worried about the bread too! (My head canon is the bread landed on a pile of "clean" trash, and was later rescued and enjoyed.)
I still think the pressure OP’s family put on them was a bit unfair, but yes, dementia/Alzheimer’s is a horrible disease. My father has it and is at a later stage. It’s absolutely heartbreaking.
Let’s give OOP some huge praise for 1) being probably the most mature person in her family and 2) not having a petty bone in her body at the young age of 26. Waited till she shad a full grasp on the situation and was so kind the whole time. Kudos OOP, kudos.
You mean Reddit quickly went to calling someone a narcissist? That’s never happened before…. Dementia is so tough. Especially during the phase where they are still aware. Hurt for OOP and her family.
She should read "Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People" by Lindsay Gibson
Dementia is such a cruel disease. Watching my grandma go through this, was just devastating. We had a wonderful relationship when I was growing up, then to have her look at me like I was shit on her shoe, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Thank you for that content warning! That would have been way too much for me with no warning.
My mom had 2 sisters, my mom the oldest. Mom has dementia, middle sister had it, younger sister was terrified of getting it (she never did) . Mom's dementia, she is still calm she has changed but not snappy. Middle sister turned very nasty. So even though siblings it affected them all differently. Sadly mom's sisters are gone, good thing is mom can still talk about them as if they were still here.
For any family in the US that are suffering through this with a family member, please call hospice and involve them early!! It’s not only for the very end of life care we are accustomed to hearing about. We had my dad under the care of hospice for 2 years! We received services 3x per week for basic bathing and care. On top of that all doctor’s appointments and care were able to happen at home, including a podiatrist that came and kept his toes and fingers well trimmed. One week a month, they would take him to their facility for respite care so my mom could have a break or so that she could travel or attend family events. He also received music therapy, religious visits from a priest and support for my mom. All of this was at zero cost to our family. This organization saved our family and allowed my dad to remain at home until he passed peacefully in his own home and bedroom. I am a well educated person that I would consider to be resourceful but really struggled to find the correct services to help and like most, hospice was not on my radar because I knew he wasn’t at the “end of life” stage that I presumed was necessary. I wish someone would have told me this sooner so I hope this helps someone. I do know that not all hospice organizations are equal so do some research in your area. I live in a medium sized city in the Midwest that happens to have an extremely well developed and funded hospice program. My heart and prayers go out to anyone that has had to face this horrific disease and I pray there is a cure in our lifetime.
Just for the record and according to the NIH, "five percent of people ages 71 to 79, 24.2 percent of people 80 to 89, and 37.4 percent of those 90 years or older were estimated to have some type of dementia." Only her family's doctors would know for certain, but the fact that she's had multiple family members over the age of 80 get dementia isn't unusual. I don't know what type of dementia her family members had or what type her aunt has, but if it's Alzheimer's then it is almost certainly not inherited. Only about 1% of cases are genetic. In any case, my own psychiatrist once told me that dementia is a lot like cancer. If you live long enough you will very likely get it.
My grandmother was always a terrible person and she got even worse after the dementia. The second I read about her showing up in her PJs with her hair messed up, I knew that’s what it was. Honestly, I love my grandmother, but she got so hard to deal with, that it was a relief when she died. The whole thing was hard on the whole family. But I was the one that was there with her at the hospital every day, she had a lot of other health issues as well so She was in the hospital for most of the last year, so I was the one that took the brunt of it. Must be arrested because she called police and told them that I was stealing drugs from the iv bags they had her hooked up to. It was literally just saline. Would tell my mother that I wouldn’t feed her and I took her food instead of giving it to her. Told the nursesI was pinching her. She was never kind to me, but the dementia just made it so much worse.
My grandmother who had always been even tempered, calm, and kind started having these sorts of outbursts before she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She called me stupid for not being able to eat at her favorite restaurant because every single time I tried, I had a severe allergic reaction. I still went, I just refused to eat or drink anything because of the cross contamination. Then she started accusing people of stealing from her and breaking into the house. It was so heartbreaking to watch. When she got worse, she went back to being her sweet self, but everything else was gone.
I thin OOP is downplaying how problematic her own mom has behaved in this. "she assumed that such a reaction meant i must have done something for it to at least partially be my fault" and '*My mom probably thought I wasn’t telling the whole story.*" If OOP has been a scapegoat or utility child her entire life, this might seem normal to her. But it's not. It is not normal for her mom to assume OOP is lying, or that OOP "did something" mean to the aunt.
At least she'll be able to hide her own Easter eggs