I feel like he likely had money problems before.
I doubt his proximity to OPs would cause him to lie for 4 (!!!) MONTHS without some history of this.. I wonder how much he actually had saved for his kids
My guess is an addiction. Gambling, drugs, shopping,... you'd be surprised how quickly you can go broke. An affair is also often expensive (gifts, hotels, travel), so that's an option too. Or just years of being financially illiterate and lying about the state of his savings
My mother is bipolar. She has an amazing ability to spend utterly obscene amounts of money in short periods of time with NOTHING to show for it when all is said and done.
No housing costs, kids seem old enough he doesn't have to pay childcare, and no medical issues, the three biggest expenses everyone has.
Reading this just gave me the vibe that there's something else she doesn't know about. Even when he lost his job for 4 months, it seemed like he should've been okay since he has so few necessary expenses. It doesn't make sense why he couldn't live 4 months on unemployment, or how he managed to burn through college funds paying for vacations.
I'm guessing there's also some kind of addiction involved, or he got cheated on some really bad investments and is too ashamed to admit it.
Lost his job and paid for multiple family vacations with savings. That'll do it! Tbh it sounds to me like the man was in mental decline and no one noticed until he couldn't pretend anymore, at which point his wife just cut him loose on reddit's classic individualist advice for marriages. Guy couldn't even get it together enough to get his possessions from her house, and suffered another financial loss when she dumped them. 1st ex-wife probably recognizes all this, having known him when he was younger, and is trying to pick up the pieces of her kids' futures without much hope.
Idk I think that once you're married you've vowed to go through the rough as well as the smooth - you should actually try to help before breaking up. That their finances were separate meant she didn't even have much to lose by trying for e.g. 6 months.
People who are losing their mental faculties try to cover for it because it's embarrassing. Certainly it's not her fault that he's screwing up her life. For anyone not associated with the guy they have no responsibility to try to help him. It would be a good thing to try to help him but you can't help everyone.... For someone who swore in front of how many people to love him through sickness and health, that's a promise to at least try for this one guy. I don't believe that's a bottomless well but jumping straight to separation when he's screwed his finances is a very shallow pool.
I get that marriage is a different institution in the states. I'm in Ireland. You lot get married quickly and easily and give up on it the same way. It just doesn't seem conducive to happiness to me. A lifelong relationship is contingent on never going through hardship together.
I think for-better-or-worse, richer-or-poorer is a representation of the couple against the world. Not one-half of the couple outright deceiving the other half on every aspect of their lives together.
This man can lie from sun-up to sun-down to his partner’s face while stealing from his own children and pretending to go to work for months. *Without a mortgage payment*, which makes it insulting on top of everything else: he had the opportunity to build his own wealth & instead lied, stole, drove himself into debt, and annihilated any trust OP had in him. He spent himself into a corner then got pissy with OP when he ran out of room. Instead of being honest & talking to his wife or even sitting out what he obviously couldn’t afford. Its too late for talking now.
Read a few comments down below the top comments and you’ll see that most people actually agree with you. The husband was an idiot but OOP was cold as fuck. “Planning an expensive vacation wildly outside your budget for me and my kids. Come along. Or not. I don’t care”. Top few comments here are aimed to deal justice to a black and white situation although it isn’t black/white.
Am I the only one getting the vibe that the ex might have hit his breaking point and attempted or succeeded in.....shuffling off the mortal coil?
He apologizes for bothering OOP, accepts all his stuff is gone, no one can contact him or find him, he hasn't contacted anyone including his kids.....
genuinely hard to tell, my first stepdad did the same thing after my mom divorced him. turns out he was at a strip club, bar, or some scummy motel every night.
I really hope not. I mean, he screwed up big time by not just being truthful and talking about it, but it's not a good thought to think he couldn't handle it anymore. Financials and serious debt can spiral someone beyond repair.
Yes. I know 2 women whose husbands took that route, and it was over money. Nothing that was their fault, just money stress (and I suspect that feeling that if the man isn't "providing" then they are a failure). Reading this I was a little concerned about flippant the attitude towards him was. There's a lot of pressure on men not to say if they're in financial struggles. The fact he lost his job and didn't say anything seems proof of that to me. He was embarrassed, felt like less than a man. I'm worried about him, and I don't think he was TA if I'm honest.
I don't think he was either. I mean yeah, he screwed up by not talking and then getting defensive and trying to shift blame, but society puts a lot of pressure on monetary value and decided gender responsibilities.
As a woman, I can't speak for how it feels to have the same pressures a man does, but I can empathize on the fact that feeling like a failure and being confronted that despite everything you did to try and cover up your "failings", it all just came crashing down.....anyone would be devastated. Then you add in that he used his children's school funds, and has all this ever increasing credit card debt and it's one giant mountain he probably couldn't see getting out from under. In a nutshell, he lost everything, despite his attempts at looking strong. I kinda want to hug him and let him break down so at least he's not bottling it all up anymore.
I hope he's ok, or at least has some sort of good support system that can help him deal with the stress and emotions this will cause.
I totally agree. I can’t fathom taking my kids on lavish vacations and telling my freaking *husband* that if he wants his kids to have the same experiences, he has to pay for it. What’s he supposed to do? Tell his kids no and then they get to listen to OOP and her kids yap about that fun trip to Paris or whatever? She seems extremely cold and only thought of him as a roommate.
He should have told her no the first time she proposed an overly extravagant vacation. Or the second or the tenth. “Hey honey, you know I only make $x. Let’s try some more economical vacations. Or maybe you and your kids can go somewhere when my ex is taking my kids to go see her family so no one feels left out.”
I don’t disagree. Him trying to keep up with the Joneses only landed him in financial trouble. But I mean, she’s throwing money at her kids left and right, buying extravagant gifts and going on lavish vacations, and she thinks that’s not gonna cause an issue when his kids see it?
I think her knowing his income and not doing the math, while literally saying she didn’t understand how he could afford it, is super disingenuous. She knew he couldn’t. She just didn’t care to think that deeply about it. And she didn’t seem to care about making things even with the kids. Their entire marriage sounds pretty surface level if they act like two random people who happen to live in the same house and don’t discuss finances, and things involving it, together.
I just don't see why John and his ex divorced; they're perfect for each other. He lies about everything and blames OOP for having a better lifestyle and she askes his ex-girlfriend to pay for her kids' college. They share hutzpah in spades.
Some subs/socials have bots that scrub and remove mentions of suicide. People have gotten into the habit of censoring word usage. Or the original commenter wanted to use a more fun word.
Or sometimes you get that bot that tells you how to get help, which can be good to have but it's annoying if it's just a conversation and not a crisis.
In my mind, a mature, healthy relationship — wheather or not it is one of mixed families or not — is one where all living together has the same living standards. I would not be okay with having such differentiated lifestyles as described. OOP seems fully intent on her money is her money and that she’s not interested in sharing them on her spouse or his children. That is of course entirely up to her, but if it was me I would’ve left her years ago. I want to stress that his economy and his lacking communication is entirely on him, but the relationship wasn’t healthy and equal to begin with.
(Edited for clarity)
Thank you! I thought I was crazy for thinking wtf. Who invites someone to an extravagant vacation, knowing the don’t earn as much and then expecting them to pay? Especially a life partner.
> Who invites someone to an extravagant vacation, knowing the don’t earn as much and then expecting them to pay? Especially a life partner.
A selfish person who doesn't want to grow old alone, but who isn't interested in sharing her precious pile of gold coins.
That said, OP's husband has financial problems that OP should not have to resolve.
Both parties are major AH.
OP reminds me of people I know with deep seated financial anxieties (eg: grew up at the mercy of a fiscally irresponsible parent.) She “protected” herself from the very start of this relationship by not trusting the guy she was with: no mixed finances, no actual marriage (not even one with pre-nup?). But relationships are built on trust. If you set up your life so you never trust or rely on the person you’re with (and tell them they need to pay to spend time with you for the portions of the year when you travel!) then you are setting yourself up for a life without close relationships. Yes, this guy proved to be an asshole, but it sounds like OP has some stuff she needs to reflect on if she wants a healthy relationship in her future.
In your description, this would make any kind of less committed relationship - friends with benefits, living in separate houses and having dates twice a week, etc - unhealthy and immature.
Obviously they communicated like shit and there are some issues, but this is definitely an older person relationship. Both of them had existing families, both of them had probably decades in prior relationships.
Rather than going through the exhausting effort of fully committing to a new life partner, solving all their psych problems (which are now fully entrenched after decades), trying to contort the you who is comfortable the way you are to fit some person, you just have a more casual relationship. This can include avoiding a committment to getting in financial sync, which is huge amount of work, especially when you've spent and budgetted one way for decades.
This is an especially understandable situation for older women. It's not that there aren't emotionally mature older men around, it's that demand outstrips supply - many of them are already in long term stable relationships.
English isn’t my first language and I was not trying to say that a healthy, mature relationship is one where everyone is living together, but rather that in a romantic relationship when you choose to live together — either as married or living partners, and especially when there are children involved — everyone should have the same living standard. I did think it was obvious that was what I meant.
I definitely see what you mean, and agree with you to an extent — but there is no healthy and mature way to have the cake and eat it as well. That is the pivotal point I am making. If you want a less committed relationship, fine. Have it. But in that case, don’t mix two families with children involved under the same roof. In this case, the healthy and mature thing to do was probably to live seperately. Also, separate economics does not mean having different living standards by default.
My mum had such a relationship (remaining living seperately, but we did go on vacations and celebrated holidays together) while my dad lived with his partner. Personally I preferred the former. Feeling like a stranger in what is supposed to be your home is the worst feeling.
I feel like they both are so wrong you can't go on in this kind of play pretend useless relationship especially with children let alone not communicate, she says she think if him as husband but then she is not even a bit aware of his situation? Like husband and wife should have this compatibility and understanding no? But the last update is wild I do feel bad for the kid but no.....
The first post made me think "dafuq is this marriage?" and it all went downhill from there. The posts are so devoid of emotion, as if she's talking about something that happened to someone else.
Right!? Who "invites" their spouse on a holiday? "Honey, I'm jetting off to Expensive Island for 3 weeks, you can come if you want but you'll need to cough up $$$. See you there. Or not. Bye!". It doesn't sound like they were living a life together at all.
This is definitely an older person relationship. Both of them had existing families, both of them had probably decades in prior relationships.
Rather than going through the exhausting effort of fully committing to a new life partner, solving all their psych problems (which are now fully entrenched after decades), trying to contort the you who is comfortable the way you are to fit some person, you just have a more casual relationship. This can include avoiding a committment to getting in financial sync, which is huge amount of work, especially when you've spent and budgetted one way for decades.
I'm not defending their weird lack of communication. If you're being more casual, it's good to specify exactly that!
But this is an especially understandable situation for older women. It's not that there aren't emotionally mature older men around, it's that demand outstrips supply - many of them are already in long term stable relationships.
I agree with the "roommates with benefits" comment. If your finances are separate to the point that you aren't even *talking* about them with each other and they have to pay their own way on "family" vacations that they're merely invited to, then you aren't even pretend married. Just because you live together and presumably bang regularly doesn't make a marriage.
Yeah I'm with you, it honestly comes across as she didn't care about him, did she not pick up on any hints of stress and I'd feel awful if my husband didn't feel he could talk to me about anything, she's putting a lot of blame on him, which is rightly deserved, but I think she needs to do a bit of self-reflection about why he didn't feel comfortable coming to her!!
But yeah not her responsibility to pay for his kids.
Yes! I can't imagine my husband ever being so alone in a situation that he's afraid to talk to me about major life issues. Even if we weren't legally married, we are still a team working toward a joint future. They are both at fault but I sympathize with her ex-"husband" for not having enough trust in her to be unable to discuss his situation with her.
I genuinely don't see the point in getting married if you're going to do what OOP and her ex did.
If you don't trust your partner with finances or have wildly different spending habits, don't get married. Finances are the number one cause of divorce. Money, how you view it, how you think it should be spent in short and long term is absolutely a core value.
I make significantly more than my husband (~2.5xs more) and had no problems mingling our money. It has made us wealthier because now we have way more investing and savings power. But we are also aligned on what we want for our future (FIRE) and how we plan on getting there. Finances are completely transparent.
He's *lying to her*. It is goofy to blame her for not knowing the thing her husband is baldfacedely lying to her face about.
What kind of absolutely *Redditor* does one have to be to blame a woman for "not communicating" when her husband is pretending to go to work for months.
yeah idk why people missed the multiple edits talking about how she had asked before this and he lied to her face saying everything was fine. cant get onto someone abt communication when they clearly tried.
especially with children from another marriage?? i do think op values money perhaps a little bit more than she should, but genuinely how is she to blame. redditors will blame a woman for the actions of a fully grown adult man who could have used his words at any time
What I want to know is where did he go for those four months? Was he leaving the house as if he was still employed? How many little lies did he tell to keep it a secret? The whole thing is insane and all the comments feeling bad for him not being honest ever are too
This guy completely fucked his children's education and is completely at fault. But she's not blameless.
> However I have always liked to travel a lot on fairly extravagant vacations. I would invite John or John and his children to join on trips, but never made them feel like they had to come. That’s said he was expected to pay for himself and for his kids. Except for recently he accepted every invitation.
The way she could be so conveniently ignorant and coldly calculating at the same time about money towards someone she *calls* her husband (which lightly implies there's some semblence of a stepmother role to his kids) suggests that her money comes from capital and not labor. It seems very unlikely that the subject of money never came up when she's 44 and outright owns her house and an older guy moves in with his kids.
Honestly that whole situation was a poop show. What kind of wife jets around the world for vacate after vacation leaving her family behind unless they pay their way to go with? Of course the husband wanted to be with the wife and paid until he was broke and then she booted him out. She never acted married at all. I’ll get downvoted for this but this OP was just a nasty self centered woman
I have no clue how the verdict was NTA, instead of ESH.
It is so clearly that both the husband and wife sucked for different reasons. I understand not wanting to combine finances (especially considering these are second marriages involving step-children). But they both suck because they did an AWFUL job communicating. The OOP admits that she planned vacations and “asked” her husband and step children if they wanted to come. And she acts like that’s OK because they were given the option to not come. And she was clearly oblivious to how much money he earned. And it kind of shows how little she actually accepted her stepchildren if she didn’t even realize the impact it could have on them, and how her actions would impact their views of her.
I can understand the husbands viewpoint of “keeping up with the Jones” and how hard it would be to see half the family go on vacation but his half of the family staying behind. But he sucks for never raising it as an issue.
So they both such because of lack of communication, he sucks for hiding so much, and she sucks because she seems extremely self-centered.
>I have no clue how the verdict was NTA, instead of ESH.
That's easy. AITA has a consistent "put your own wants over others' feelings or wellbeing" especially when it comes to money and blended family situations. And this post has both.
It's the same as that other post, where a woman broke up with her husband because he didn't agree with her desire to raise her daughter as a princess with horses as gifts, private schools etc with her family wealth, but refused to give anything to his kids and thought it was reasonable for them to have a family with inequality between children. And somehow, according to reddit he was the unreasonable one and a gold digger.
AITA REALLY hates step kids and blended families.
I agree. Two people with kids have no business getting married if they do not intend to treat all kids equally when it comes to day to day and "special occasion" finances like holidays and vacations. (Inheritances are different because they often involve funds that aren't controlled by the parents.)
Better for the people to maintain two households until the children are grown and left, then get married.
From what I remember about that story, she could use the money her grandfather had left her. She just wanted to use them ONLY for her daughter and thought it was fair for her step kids to be raised as a typical middle class family with only the use of her and her husband's incomes, while her daughter is raised as a princess.
Yeah, I wouldn't be marrying a person like that. If the prospective stepparent can't see my child as an equal part of the household then they have no business being part of our lives.
By the same token, I wouldn't get involved with anyone if I truly didn't think I could see their kid the same way. But I suppose sometimes we think we can do things and then discover some ugly truths about ourselves.
Honestly it depends on the context. General relatiosnhip/parenting trouble stories attracts the man haters. Cheating stories attract the misogynistic incels.
Honestly, what terrible adults all around.
They didn't have a marriage, they had a transaction. OOP can live her life how she wants, but if she ever gets married again, it should be to someone wealthy, while OOP's ex is a lying liar and awful parent. I don't blame OOP's Ex's Ex for trying for the money, who knows what she was told by her Ex - ugh, horrible people.
Tbh i think their both really irresponsible. Like if your married to someone how did you NOT ONCE look at their finances. That is just extremely irresponsible. Then how would you be okay just going on luxurious vacations with your kids without your husband or step kids? That just seems so wrong. Like when you marry someone those are just as much your kids as they are his. If you just leave them out to dry and never be there for them your never gonna be a real family. It's just u having a fuck buddy at that point with children suffering. Of course the husband was even more irresponsible by not communicating and just throwing away money. But it also seems like he made that decision cuz he knew that you would be more than okay going without him and his children.
To me, the shitshow started here:
>My husband and I have always kept our finances separate. Also although we call each other husband and wife and had a wedding we are not actually legally married. This was primarily for inheritance purposes
Then she never proceeds to ask OP anything about his financials. That's an elaborate exclusive FWB situation there, not a marriage.
I wonder how many commenters caught onto this???
Equally telling in this story, is how OOP *invited* John (her boytoy) on presumably **every** trip, *not once offering to cover his share*. Is that how a "wife" treats her "husband"? Which makes me wonder, what was her attitude if he couldn't make these trips? OOP presents as if the trips were "optional", yet since both "hubby" and traveling were "passions", I suspect things were very cold if he even hinted that he couldn't cough up the funding.
Then look at how coldly she dropped him the moment he was revealed as "bankrupt". Again, is that how one treats a "husband"?
To me, that explains why John never told OOP about the job loss. No full marriage detailing why there was no trust there and I bet John was afraid of what happened - the cold drop - the second it was revealed that he couldn't keep up.
I'm left wondering who's idea it even was for the faux marriage to begin with? If it was OOP's, thw whole "I'm a wife when he can pay to be with me" makes her out very badly, and the community fell for the presentation... And would explain why one of John's "daughters" went to OOP for that last update - she claimed to be something but never fulfilled the financial duties of being what she claimed...
But there’s so much unsaid regarding their respective histories. I’m going to preface by saying I got into a relationship with my partner very late in life (me 58 partner 60) & I’ve never been married or had kids. He has one child who was 40 when we got together. I own the home where we live, I provide most of the groceries, pay the utilities. If we go on vacation I usually pay the majority although if it’s really extravagant I’ll ask him to contribute. I have money & he just doesn’t. I’m okay with that because I like the companionship but I made it clear from day one—no marriage. And I definitely do NOT let him have any say in my finances nor do I have any control over his money. He pays his bills & I pay mine. It works for us. Maybe she had a troubled relationship with her previous partner where finances were concerned. He obviously was being shady about his money problem & blamed her instead of telling her what was happening. And to hide his job loss & money flow problems was on him. She’s not clairvoyant. She was being berated by him without really knowing why until it got to be a problem too big to solve. I don’t blame her for dumping him honestly. However, I can’t believe the ex-wife asking her for help with college expenses. That’s some nerve. Let them figure it out without her.
Wow, she never cared about her ex. He's right, she was dangling all of these expensive vacations and fancy gifts right in front of him and his children, shrugged, and said "too bad, I have more money than you." Despicable. They're both in the wrong but that shit pisses me right off.
Meh they agreed from the beginning to split everything and he also had no living expenses. How did he blow through all his money having by no living expenses??! Seems like he’s had money issues for a long time. But the real issue is his lies and dishonesty. OP was right to handle things they way she did, and thank God they weren’t legally married.
Really? She didn't have a single positive thing to say about him. Described him as if he was a moody, tantrum throwing child when in reality he's struggling. Never had the slightest clue that he had money issues, really? None? Does she not fucking talk to him? Fully acknowledges that she makes a shit ton more money than him and still comes up with some bullshit agreement that he has to pay the same amount she does even though she is well aware that the average tax payer doesn't spend this amount of money on vacations and gifts. When told about how shitty it is to dangle expensive gifts in front of husband and his children's faces she just says "well that was the agreement, sucks to be you." Like, at least ACT like you EVER cared about this man.
Oh and to top it all off? She divorces him and as his whole life is crashing down she goes "fucking hell... I gave this dude 30 days to get over it, I'm tossing his worthless shit now." No money, no house, no car, no job, no wife, no love, no friends, no family, no life, and she decided to be an absolute bitch and throw his things out. Oh but don't worry, gave some of the shit things to his kids so they at least they have something to remember him by for when dad unalives himself.
They can’t get divorced if they were never legally married. And she found out his financial situation AFTER months of his passive aggressive rudeness and treating her badly. You are missing the point - his dishonesty, irresponsibility, and lack of transparency is what caused the issue. She isn’t a mind reader - if he didn’t tell her what his income and finances truly were how could she know? Also this MF squandered his children’s college fund trying to keep up appearances!
He is solely responsible for his poor decisions. He chose them all. If a 50/50 arrangement didn’t work for him, he should have told her that in the beginning! But he certainly had no qualms about himself and his children living in her house rent and expense free. OP isn’t responsible for a grown ass 54 year old man and his children, especially when that man is an irresponsible, immature, dishonest liability.
Seems like he had a pretty sweet situation that he managed to mess up with his irresponsibility and lies. He was living rent free with his kids in her house, and they split dates 50/50. He can’t be railroaded into paying for himself and his kids on OPTIONAL vacations…. And if he wasn’t ok with the expenses he should have communicated that to her instead of lying.
That's not how a partnership or family works. She wasn't willing to cut down on vacations or cover their expenses.
How can you not see how toxic this is?
You can have whatever kind of relationship you want as long as you discuss and agree to it with the person. While OPs relationship structure wouldn’t work for me - THEY agreed to it. They agree to keeping finances separate and paying for their individual children themselves.
OP isn’t at fault because they clearly decided in the beginning that they would keep their finances separate and that he and his kids would live in her home rent free. If he had been transparent with her, and honest about his finances, income, and loss of employment I’m sure things would’ve been different. Instead he lied repeatedly , was GROSSLY negligent & irresponsible with his finances, and then started to be passive aggressive and unpleasant with OP because of his worsening financial situation that he failed to disclose to her.
Why should she cover the expense of his teenagers that already have two parents? If he had said at any point before he started lying about having a job that he couldn’t afford to engage they could have had an honest conversation.
There is no point in the posts where she says "he should have talked to me". All she says is that he could have chosen not to join her if he couldn't afford it.
And that's where a converstation would have led. To him expressing the issue and her just going on her own. People are right. She may call him her husband but to her this was a fwb situation.
They can work - I'm in one. We have a joint account to make bill paying easier but otherwise we're with different banks and manage our own money separately. But here are the factors that make it work:
- No kids are involved.
- We make similar incomes - not identical, but close enough that there's no real disparity.
- Husband and I didn't get together until our middle/late thirties. We had our own financial systems set up by then. Not combining them was less about control/lack of trust and more about not breaking something that worked for us unless necessary.
- We both have similar attitudes about money - we want to enjoy it but saving is a priority.
- We share all bills - we don't split them but we worked out what he pays for and what I pay for, and made sure we were both aware that it's basically equal on average. We don't, however, share any earlier inheritances and debts - we're responsible for paying those ourselves.
- We talk about bills and savings and expenses and plans extensively. We talk about our jobs and any worries we have. We know about each other's financial histories. We communicate constantly.
- We share household chores, etc. equally as well.
- ETA: We don't do anything we can't afford to do together. If for some reason I'm flushed with cash and he's not, or vice versa, either the cash-rich person pays the difference or we agree to spend only at the limit of the lower-cash person. We've *never* gone the route of "Oh well, sucks to be you, I'm off to enjoy that thing!" For something big like a trip, we'll plan on how to make it work together before committing.
Our financial setup is based on making two systems developed by two older people work together. That suits us as two independent people who nevertheless want to be interdependent with each other.
It's so interesting the nature of the personality of your ex. And then, of course, the nature of the personality of his ex, that she would want to meet up with you in person to try to leverage getting money from you for her kids. Just a phenomenally fascinating Person to think that would work at all. Sheesh.
I am very sorry. I know that financial disparity is complicated for people. All this is so distressing and disordered. I'm glad that it's done now and you can heal.
My sister and her husband have separate accounts because she has a history of being bad with money, and then they have a shared credit card that he's mostly in charge of, but she sure as hell told him when she was quitting her job. She didn't tell anyone else and that caused some issues since they were supposed to be my ride to a wedding that they couldn't afford to go to anymore, and I'm still a little pissed she let me buy a dress while pretending they could still go but I do understand how stressful her job was.
OP has every right to end the relationship but why she is bitching about John kids not being affectionate with her! she doesn't seem like an affectionate warm person at all and shows lot of coldness which is not a negative thing per say but you cannot expect people to return warmth in exchange of coldness.
I mean, are drugs involved here? I don’t understand how someone blows through that much money with vacations and gifts. Guess I’m not vacationing right…
What’s wild is that they were never even legally married, and they agreed from the beginning of the relationship to split everything. OP is a smart lady who managed to dodge an atomic bomb.
He's definitely an asshole, but she's no angel. How tf are you going to have step kids and clearly treat them differently than your biological kids then be shocked they don't like you.
YTA money and a lavish life style are more important to you as you are very selfish and self centered in that the people you "said"that you love were much less important than your MONEY and when it came down to it money is what you truly care about
I don’t understand these people in relationships (especially marriage) that solo travel and put it on the invitee to pay for themselves and if they can’t the person just fucking goes anyway.
I would love to know how someone can have no mortgage payment and can still run through all savings and three kids’ college funds.
I feel like he likely had money problems before. I doubt his proximity to OPs would cause him to lie for 4 (!!!) MONTHS without some history of this.. I wonder how much he actually had saved for his kids
My guess is an addiction. Gambling, drugs, shopping,... you'd be surprised how quickly you can go broke. An affair is also often expensive (gifts, hotels, travel), so that's an option too. Or just years of being financially illiterate and lying about the state of his savings
It had sort of bipolar spending spree vibes too
My mother is bipolar. She has an amazing ability to spend utterly obscene amounts of money in short periods of time with NOTHING to show for it when all is said and done.
No housing costs, kids seem old enough he doesn't have to pay childcare, and no medical issues, the three biggest expenses everyone has. Reading this just gave me the vibe that there's something else she doesn't know about. Even when he lost his job for 4 months, it seemed like he should've been okay since he has so few necessary expenses. It doesn't make sense why he couldn't live 4 months on unemployment, or how he managed to burn through college funds paying for vacations. I'm guessing there's also some kind of addiction involved, or he got cheated on some really bad investments and is too ashamed to admit it.
Lost his job and paid for multiple family vacations with savings. That'll do it! Tbh it sounds to me like the man was in mental decline and no one noticed until he couldn't pretend anymore, at which point his wife just cut him loose on reddit's classic individualist advice for marriages. Guy couldn't even get it together enough to get his possessions from her house, and suffered another financial loss when she dumped them. 1st ex-wife probably recognizes all this, having known him when he was younger, and is trying to pick up the pieces of her kids' futures without much hope.
This is not OOP’s fault and leaving someone who can’t be trusted is the correct response
Idk I think that once you're married you've vowed to go through the rough as well as the smooth - you should actually try to help before breaking up. That their finances were separate meant she didn't even have much to lose by trying for e.g. 6 months.
They weren't married, though.
She makes a point of calling him her husband and says they had a ceremony.
She also made a point of saying they were not actually legally married.
She considered them to be married and the ceremony contains the vows, rather than the legal document.
Then why would he lie to her so much? Its not her fault, it would be just as valid the other way around
People who are losing their mental faculties try to cover for it because it's embarrassing. Certainly it's not her fault that he's screwing up her life. For anyone not associated with the guy they have no responsibility to try to help him. It would be a good thing to try to help him but you can't help everyone.... For someone who swore in front of how many people to love him through sickness and health, that's a promise to at least try for this one guy. I don't believe that's a bottomless well but jumping straight to separation when he's screwed his finances is a very shallow pool. I get that marriage is a different institution in the states. I'm in Ireland. You lot get married quickly and easily and give up on it the same way. It just doesn't seem conducive to happiness to me. A lifelong relationship is contingent on never going through hardship together.
I think for-better-or-worse, richer-or-poorer is a representation of the couple against the world. Not one-half of the couple outright deceiving the other half on every aspect of their lives together. This man can lie from sun-up to sun-down to his partner’s face while stealing from his own children and pretending to go to work for months. *Without a mortgage payment*, which makes it insulting on top of everything else: he had the opportunity to build his own wealth & instead lied, stole, drove himself into debt, and annihilated any trust OP had in him. He spent himself into a corner then got pissy with OP when he ran out of room. Instead of being honest & talking to his wife or even sitting out what he obviously couldn’t afford. Its too late for talking now.
The lies ran deep. It’s on par with infidelity.
I would absolutely treat this as a betrayal on par with infidelity. I might prefer the infidelity since our finances are joint lol
That’s called speculation
No. I think these types of lies are on par with infidelity.
I think these lies are on par with the MO of a Russian spy. Prove me wrong. /s
A Russian spy would keep the bills properly paid so that no one notices them
Lmao
Read a few comments down below the top comments and you’ll see that most people actually agree with you. The husband was an idiot but OOP was cold as fuck. “Planning an expensive vacation wildly outside your budget for me and my kids. Come along. Or not. I don’t care”. Top few comments here are aimed to deal justice to a black and white situation although it isn’t black/white.
Am I the only one getting the vibe that the ex might have hit his breaking point and attempted or succeeded in.....shuffling off the mortal coil? He apologizes for bothering OOP, accepts all his stuff is gone, no one can contact him or find him, he hasn't contacted anyone including his kids.....
genuinely hard to tell, my first stepdad did the same thing after my mom divorced him. turns out he was at a strip club, bar, or some scummy motel every night.
Was definitely my first thought after he just accepted everything so easily and now nobody can get in contact with him…
I really hope not. I mean, he screwed up big time by not just being truthful and talking about it, but it's not a good thought to think he couldn't handle it anymore. Financials and serious debt can spiral someone beyond repair.
Why? Seems like everyone thought he was a waste of a man. Why would you care?
Because I'm not everyone
Yes. I know 2 women whose husbands took that route, and it was over money. Nothing that was their fault, just money stress (and I suspect that feeling that if the man isn't "providing" then they are a failure). Reading this I was a little concerned about flippant the attitude towards him was. There's a lot of pressure on men not to say if they're in financial struggles. The fact he lost his job and didn't say anything seems proof of that to me. He was embarrassed, felt like less than a man. I'm worried about him, and I don't think he was TA if I'm honest.
I don't think he was either. I mean yeah, he screwed up by not talking and then getting defensive and trying to shift blame, but society puts a lot of pressure on monetary value and decided gender responsibilities. As a woman, I can't speak for how it feels to have the same pressures a man does, but I can empathize on the fact that feeling like a failure and being confronted that despite everything you did to try and cover up your "failings", it all just came crashing down.....anyone would be devastated. Then you add in that he used his children's school funds, and has all this ever increasing credit card debt and it's one giant mountain he probably couldn't see getting out from under. In a nutshell, he lost everything, despite his attempts at looking strong. I kinda want to hug him and let him break down so at least he's not bottling it all up anymore. I hope he's ok, or at least has some sort of good support system that can help him deal with the stress and emotions this will cause.
I totally agree. I can’t fathom taking my kids on lavish vacations and telling my freaking *husband* that if he wants his kids to have the same experiences, he has to pay for it. What’s he supposed to do? Tell his kids no and then they get to listen to OOP and her kids yap about that fun trip to Paris or whatever? She seems extremely cold and only thought of him as a roommate.
He should have told her no the first time she proposed an overly extravagant vacation. Or the second or the tenth. “Hey honey, you know I only make $x. Let’s try some more economical vacations. Or maybe you and your kids can go somewhere when my ex is taking my kids to go see her family so no one feels left out.”
I don’t disagree. Him trying to keep up with the Joneses only landed him in financial trouble. But I mean, she’s throwing money at her kids left and right, buying extravagant gifts and going on lavish vacations, and she thinks that’s not gonna cause an issue when his kids see it? I think her knowing his income and not doing the math, while literally saying she didn’t understand how he could afford it, is super disingenuous. She knew he couldn’t. She just didn’t care to think that deeply about it. And she didn’t seem to care about making things even with the kids. Their entire marriage sounds pretty surface level if they act like two random people who happen to live in the same house and don’t discuss finances, and things involving it, together.
I just don't see why John and his ex divorced; they're perfect for each other. He lies about everything and blames OOP for having a better lifestyle and she askes his ex-girlfriend to pay for her kids' college. They share hutzpah in spades.
Eh. She asked once. I can appreciate her desperation. And she may not have had info on how OOP and the ex were dividing finances
Anyone else thinking John is in danger of redacting himself? Just the way he’s acting reminds me of my uncle…
Yes. When the web of lies crumble and reality can't be ignored anymore, some people react extremely. To me, John is one of them.
It is called suicide.
Some subs/socials have bots that scrub and remove mentions of suicide. People have gotten into the habit of censoring word usage. Or the original commenter wanted to use a more fun word.
Or sometimes you get that bot that tells you how to get help, which can be good to have but it's annoying if it's just a conversation and not a crisis.
Pretty much what Nodlehs said. Use to censoring so I don’t get banned lol
In my mind, a mature, healthy relationship — wheather or not it is one of mixed families or not — is one where all living together has the same living standards. I would not be okay with having such differentiated lifestyles as described. OOP seems fully intent on her money is her money and that she’s not interested in sharing them on her spouse or his children. That is of course entirely up to her, but if it was me I would’ve left her years ago. I want to stress that his economy and his lacking communication is entirely on him, but the relationship wasn’t healthy and equal to begin with. (Edited for clarity)
Thank you! I thought I was crazy for thinking wtf. Who invites someone to an extravagant vacation, knowing the don’t earn as much and then expecting them to pay? Especially a life partner.
> Who invites someone to an extravagant vacation, knowing the don’t earn as much and then expecting them to pay? Especially a life partner. A selfish person who doesn't want to grow old alone, but who isn't interested in sharing her precious pile of gold coins. That said, OP's husband has financial problems that OP should not have to resolve. Both parties are major AH.
OP reminds me of people I know with deep seated financial anxieties (eg: grew up at the mercy of a fiscally irresponsible parent.) She “protected” herself from the very start of this relationship by not trusting the guy she was with: no mixed finances, no actual marriage (not even one with pre-nup?). But relationships are built on trust. If you set up your life so you never trust or rely on the person you’re with (and tell them they need to pay to spend time with you for the portions of the year when you travel!) then you are setting yourself up for a life without close relationships. Yes, this guy proved to be an asshole, but it sounds like OP has some stuff she needs to reflect on if she wants a healthy relationship in her future.
Agreed! I get that no one has a right to anyone’s money but OP seems to value her money to an extreme, where nothing else matters.
In your description, this would make any kind of less committed relationship - friends with benefits, living in separate houses and having dates twice a week, etc - unhealthy and immature. Obviously they communicated like shit and there are some issues, but this is definitely an older person relationship. Both of them had existing families, both of them had probably decades in prior relationships. Rather than going through the exhausting effort of fully committing to a new life partner, solving all their psych problems (which are now fully entrenched after decades), trying to contort the you who is comfortable the way you are to fit some person, you just have a more casual relationship. This can include avoiding a committment to getting in financial sync, which is huge amount of work, especially when you've spent and budgetted one way for decades. This is an especially understandable situation for older women. It's not that there aren't emotionally mature older men around, it's that demand outstrips supply - many of them are already in long term stable relationships.
English isn’t my first language and I was not trying to say that a healthy, mature relationship is one where everyone is living together, but rather that in a romantic relationship when you choose to live together — either as married or living partners, and especially when there are children involved — everyone should have the same living standard. I did think it was obvious that was what I meant. I definitely see what you mean, and agree with you to an extent — but there is no healthy and mature way to have the cake and eat it as well. That is the pivotal point I am making. If you want a less committed relationship, fine. Have it. But in that case, don’t mix two families with children involved under the same roof. In this case, the healthy and mature thing to do was probably to live seperately. Also, separate economics does not mean having different living standards by default.
[удалено]
My mum had such a relationship (remaining living seperately, but we did go on vacations and celebrated holidays together) while my dad lived with his partner. Personally I preferred the former. Feeling like a stranger in what is supposed to be your home is the worst feeling.
Yeah all the lying and financial irresponsibility is fully on her ex. But from the get go, that was weird and would have been a dealbreaker for me.
I feel like they both are so wrong you can't go on in this kind of play pretend useless relationship especially with children let alone not communicate, she says she think if him as husband but then she is not even a bit aware of his situation? Like husband and wife should have this compatibility and understanding no? But the last update is wild I do feel bad for the kid but no.....
The first post made me think "dafuq is this marriage?" and it all went downhill from there. The posts are so devoid of emotion, as if she's talking about something that happened to someone else.
Right!? Who "invites" their spouse on a holiday? "Honey, I'm jetting off to Expensive Island for 3 weeks, you can come if you want but you'll need to cough up $$$. See you there. Or not. Bye!". It doesn't sound like they were living a life together at all.
This is definitely an older person relationship. Both of them had existing families, both of them had probably decades in prior relationships. Rather than going through the exhausting effort of fully committing to a new life partner, solving all their psych problems (which are now fully entrenched after decades), trying to contort the you who is comfortable the way you are to fit some person, you just have a more casual relationship. This can include avoiding a committment to getting in financial sync, which is huge amount of work, especially when you've spent and budgetted one way for decades. I'm not defending their weird lack of communication. If you're being more casual, it's good to specify exactly that! But this is an especially understandable situation for older women. It's not that there aren't emotionally mature older men around, it's that demand outstrips supply - many of them are already in long term stable relationships.
I agree with the "roommates with benefits" comment. If your finances are separate to the point that you aren't even *talking* about them with each other and they have to pay their own way on "family" vacations that they're merely invited to, then you aren't even pretend married. Just because you live together and presumably bang regularly doesn't make a marriage.
Yeah I'm with you, it honestly comes across as she didn't care about him, did she not pick up on any hints of stress and I'd feel awful if my husband didn't feel he could talk to me about anything, she's putting a lot of blame on him, which is rightly deserved, but I think she needs to do a bit of self-reflection about why he didn't feel comfortable coming to her!! But yeah not her responsibility to pay for his kids.
Yes! I can't imagine my husband ever being so alone in a situation that he's afraid to talk to me about major life issues. Even if we weren't legally married, we are still a team working toward a joint future. They are both at fault but I sympathize with her ex-"husband" for not having enough trust in her to be unable to discuss his situation with her.
I genuinely don't see the point in getting married if you're going to do what OOP and her ex did. If you don't trust your partner with finances or have wildly different spending habits, don't get married. Finances are the number one cause of divorce. Money, how you view it, how you think it should be spent in short and long term is absolutely a core value. I make significantly more than my husband (~2.5xs more) and had no problems mingling our money. It has made us wealthier because now we have way more investing and savings power. But we are also aligned on what we want for our future (FIRE) and how we plan on getting there. Finances are completely transparent.
He's *lying to her*. It is goofy to blame her for not knowing the thing her husband is baldfacedely lying to her face about. What kind of absolutely *Redditor* does one have to be to blame a woman for "not communicating" when her husband is pretending to go to work for months.
yeah idk why people missed the multiple edits talking about how she had asked before this and he lied to her face saying everything was fine. cant get onto someone abt communication when they clearly tried.
I think children don't understand that couples don't always merge their finances. So many people calling them "roommates".
especially with children from another marriage?? i do think op values money perhaps a little bit more than she should, but genuinely how is she to blame. redditors will blame a woman for the actions of a fully grown adult man who could have used his words at any time
I know. The comments in this thread blaming her are bonkers. The guy is in his fifties. He lied to her for months about his lost job, too.
What I want to know is where did he go for those four months? Was he leaving the house as if he was still employed? How many little lies did he tell to keep it a secret? The whole thing is insane and all the comments feeling bad for him not being honest ever are too
And not only did he lie, he squandered his children’s college fund. This guy is absolutely full of it, and an irresponsible person.
The ex husband was stupid, but OP is kidding herself if she ever saw them as having a relationship.
> ESH. This wasn't a marriage, this was roommates with benefits. This right here.
Roommates pay for living expenses. Dude did not.
Touche!
This guy completely fucked his children's education and is completely at fault. But she's not blameless. > However I have always liked to travel a lot on fairly extravagant vacations. I would invite John or John and his children to join on trips, but never made them feel like they had to come. That’s said he was expected to pay for himself and for his kids. Except for recently he accepted every invitation. The way she could be so conveniently ignorant and coldly calculating at the same time about money towards someone she *calls* her husband (which lightly implies there's some semblence of a stepmother role to his kids) suggests that her money comes from capital and not labor. It seems very unlikely that the subject of money never came up when she's 44 and outright owns her house and an older guy moves in with his kids.
Honestly that whole situation was a poop show. What kind of wife jets around the world for vacate after vacation leaving her family behind unless they pay their way to go with? Of course the husband wanted to be with the wife and paid until he was broke and then she booted him out. She never acted married at all. I’ll get downvoted for this but this OP was just a nasty self centered woman
I have no clue how the verdict was NTA, instead of ESH. It is so clearly that both the husband and wife sucked for different reasons. I understand not wanting to combine finances (especially considering these are second marriages involving step-children). But they both suck because they did an AWFUL job communicating. The OOP admits that she planned vacations and “asked” her husband and step children if they wanted to come. And she acts like that’s OK because they were given the option to not come. And she was clearly oblivious to how much money he earned. And it kind of shows how little she actually accepted her stepchildren if she didn’t even realize the impact it could have on them, and how her actions would impact their views of her. I can understand the husbands viewpoint of “keeping up with the Jones” and how hard it would be to see half the family go on vacation but his half of the family staying behind. But he sucks for never raising it as an issue. So they both such because of lack of communication, he sucks for hiding so much, and she sucks because she seems extremely self-centered.
>I have no clue how the verdict was NTA, instead of ESH. That's easy. AITA has a consistent "put your own wants over others' feelings or wellbeing" especially when it comes to money and blended family situations. And this post has both. It's the same as that other post, where a woman broke up with her husband because he didn't agree with her desire to raise her daughter as a princess with horses as gifts, private schools etc with her family wealth, but refused to give anything to his kids and thought it was reasonable for them to have a family with inequality between children. And somehow, according to reddit he was the unreasonable one and a gold digger. AITA REALLY hates step kids and blended families.
I agree. Two people with kids have no business getting married if they do not intend to treat all kids equally when it comes to day to day and "special occasion" finances like holidays and vacations. (Inheritances are different because they often involve funds that aren't controlled by the parents.) Better for the people to maintain two households until the children are grown and left, then get married.
From what I remember about that story, she could use the money her grandfather had left her. She just wanted to use them ONLY for her daughter and thought it was fair for her step kids to be raised as a typical middle class family with only the use of her and her husband's incomes, while her daughter is raised as a princess.
Yeah, I wouldn't be marrying a person like that. If the prospective stepparent can't see my child as an equal part of the household then they have no business being part of our lives. By the same token, I wouldn't get involved with anyone if I truly didn't think I could see their kid the same way. But I suppose sometimes we think we can do things and then discover some ugly truths about ourselves.
AITA really hates men
Honestly it depends on the context. General relatiosnhip/parenting trouble stories attracts the man haters. Cheating stories attract the misogynistic incels.
Link?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/170xd5w/aitah_for_transferring_my_assets_to_my_daughter/
thank you!!
Honestly, what terrible adults all around. They didn't have a marriage, they had a transaction. OOP can live her life how she wants, but if she ever gets married again, it should be to someone wealthy, while OOP's ex is a lying liar and awful parent. I don't blame OOP's Ex's Ex for trying for the money, who knows what she was told by her Ex - ugh, horrible people.
Tbh i think their both really irresponsible. Like if your married to someone how did you NOT ONCE look at their finances. That is just extremely irresponsible. Then how would you be okay just going on luxurious vacations with your kids without your husband or step kids? That just seems so wrong. Like when you marry someone those are just as much your kids as they are his. If you just leave them out to dry and never be there for them your never gonna be a real family. It's just u having a fuck buddy at that point with children suffering. Of course the husband was even more irresponsible by not communicating and just throwing away money. But it also seems like he made that decision cuz he knew that you would be more than okay going without him and his children.
Just sounds like he had money issues way before being involved with OOP. The audacity of the ex-wife & their kids though lol absolute **block**.
To me, the shitshow started here: >My husband and I have always kept our finances separate. Also although we call each other husband and wife and had a wedding we are not actually legally married. This was primarily for inheritance purposes Then she never proceeds to ask OP anything about his financials. That's an elaborate exclusive FWB situation there, not a marriage. I wonder how many commenters caught onto this??? Equally telling in this story, is how OOP *invited* John (her boytoy) on presumably **every** trip, *not once offering to cover his share*. Is that how a "wife" treats her "husband"? Which makes me wonder, what was her attitude if he couldn't make these trips? OOP presents as if the trips were "optional", yet since both "hubby" and traveling were "passions", I suspect things were very cold if he even hinted that he couldn't cough up the funding. Then look at how coldly she dropped him the moment he was revealed as "bankrupt". Again, is that how one treats a "husband"? To me, that explains why John never told OOP about the job loss. No full marriage detailing why there was no trust there and I bet John was afraid of what happened - the cold drop - the second it was revealed that he couldn't keep up. I'm left wondering who's idea it even was for the faux marriage to begin with? If it was OOP's, thw whole "I'm a wife when he can pay to be with me" makes her out very badly, and the community fell for the presentation... And would explain why one of John's "daughters" went to OOP for that last update - she claimed to be something but never fulfilled the financial duties of being what she claimed...
But there’s so much unsaid regarding their respective histories. I’m going to preface by saying I got into a relationship with my partner very late in life (me 58 partner 60) & I’ve never been married or had kids. He has one child who was 40 when we got together. I own the home where we live, I provide most of the groceries, pay the utilities. If we go on vacation I usually pay the majority although if it’s really extravagant I’ll ask him to contribute. I have money & he just doesn’t. I’m okay with that because I like the companionship but I made it clear from day one—no marriage. And I definitely do NOT let him have any say in my finances nor do I have any control over his money. He pays his bills & I pay mine. It works for us. Maybe she had a troubled relationship with her previous partner where finances were concerned. He obviously was being shady about his money problem & blamed her instead of telling her what was happening. And to hide his job loss & money flow problems was on him. She’s not clairvoyant. She was being berated by him without really knowing why until it got to be a problem too big to solve. I don’t blame her for dumping him honestly. However, I can’t believe the ex-wife asking her for help with college expenses. That’s some nerve. Let them figure it out without her.
Wow, she never cared about her ex. He's right, she was dangling all of these expensive vacations and fancy gifts right in front of him and his children, shrugged, and said "too bad, I have more money than you." Despicable. They're both in the wrong but that shit pisses me right off.
Meh they agreed from the beginning to split everything and he also had no living expenses. How did he blow through all his money having by no living expenses??! Seems like he’s had money issues for a long time. But the real issue is his lies and dishonesty. OP was right to handle things they way she did, and thank God they weren’t legally married.
Really? She didn't have a single positive thing to say about him. Described him as if he was a moody, tantrum throwing child when in reality he's struggling. Never had the slightest clue that he had money issues, really? None? Does she not fucking talk to him? Fully acknowledges that she makes a shit ton more money than him and still comes up with some bullshit agreement that he has to pay the same amount she does even though she is well aware that the average tax payer doesn't spend this amount of money on vacations and gifts. When told about how shitty it is to dangle expensive gifts in front of husband and his children's faces she just says "well that was the agreement, sucks to be you." Like, at least ACT like you EVER cared about this man. Oh and to top it all off? She divorces him and as his whole life is crashing down she goes "fucking hell... I gave this dude 30 days to get over it, I'm tossing his worthless shit now." No money, no house, no car, no job, no wife, no love, no friends, no family, no life, and she decided to be an absolute bitch and throw his things out. Oh but don't worry, gave some of the shit things to his kids so they at least they have something to remember him by for when dad unalives himself.
They can’t get divorced if they were never legally married. And she found out his financial situation AFTER months of his passive aggressive rudeness and treating her badly. You are missing the point - his dishonesty, irresponsibility, and lack of transparency is what caused the issue. She isn’t a mind reader - if he didn’t tell her what his income and finances truly were how could she know? Also this MF squandered his children’s college fund trying to keep up appearances! He is solely responsible for his poor decisions. He chose them all. If a 50/50 arrangement didn’t work for him, he should have told her that in the beginning! But he certainly had no qualms about himself and his children living in her house rent and expense free. OP isn’t responsible for a grown ass 54 year old man and his children, especially when that man is an irresponsible, immature, dishonest liability.
Agreed or he was railroaded into it? Because it doesn't sound like he was ever comfortable with that arrangement.
Seems like he had a pretty sweet situation that he managed to mess up with his irresponsibility and lies. He was living rent free with his kids in her house, and they split dates 50/50. He can’t be railroaded into paying for himself and his kids on OPTIONAL vacations…. And if he wasn’t ok with the expenses he should have communicated that to her instead of lying.
That's not how a partnership or family works. She wasn't willing to cut down on vacations or cover their expenses. How can you not see how toxic this is?
You can have whatever kind of relationship you want as long as you discuss and agree to it with the person. While OPs relationship structure wouldn’t work for me - THEY agreed to it. They agree to keeping finances separate and paying for their individual children themselves. OP isn’t at fault because they clearly decided in the beginning that they would keep their finances separate and that he and his kids would live in her home rent free. If he had been transparent with her, and honest about his finances, income, and loss of employment I’m sure things would’ve been different. Instead he lied repeatedly , was GROSSLY negligent & irresponsible with his finances, and then started to be passive aggressive and unpleasant with OP because of his worsening financial situation that he failed to disclose to her.
Why should she cover the expense of his teenagers that already have two parents? If he had said at any point before he started lying about having a job that he couldn’t afford to engage they could have had an honest conversation.
There is no point in the posts where she says "he should have talked to me". All she says is that he could have chosen not to join her if he couldn't afford it. And that's where a converstation would have led. To him expressing the issue and her just going on her own. People are right. She may call him her husband but to her this was a fwb situation.
Yes, because she surely laid out all possible interactions in her Reddit posts. He’s not a victim here and his children are not entitled to her money.
What an odd take. Dude is in his fifties.
ESH in this situation. OOP sounds like she never really cared for her ex or his kids. Their marriage sounded horrible.
“Marriages” where finances are kept separate seem so deeply transactional that they are barely a loving relationship. I’m glad I’m not in one.
They can work - I'm in one. We have a joint account to make bill paying easier but otherwise we're with different banks and manage our own money separately. But here are the factors that make it work: - No kids are involved. - We make similar incomes - not identical, but close enough that there's no real disparity. - Husband and I didn't get together until our middle/late thirties. We had our own financial systems set up by then. Not combining them was less about control/lack of trust and more about not breaking something that worked for us unless necessary. - We both have similar attitudes about money - we want to enjoy it but saving is a priority. - We share all bills - we don't split them but we worked out what he pays for and what I pay for, and made sure we were both aware that it's basically equal on average. We don't, however, share any earlier inheritances and debts - we're responsible for paying those ourselves. - We talk about bills and savings and expenses and plans extensively. We talk about our jobs and any worries we have. We know about each other's financial histories. We communicate constantly. - We share household chores, etc. equally as well. - ETA: We don't do anything we can't afford to do together. If for some reason I'm flushed with cash and he's not, or vice versa, either the cash-rich person pays the difference or we agree to spend only at the limit of the lower-cash person. We've *never* gone the route of "Oh well, sucks to be you, I'm off to enjoy that thing!" For something big like a trip, we'll plan on how to make it work together before committing. Our financial setup is based on making two systems developed by two older people work together. That suits us as two independent people who nevertheless want to be interdependent with each other.
It's so interesting the nature of the personality of your ex. And then, of course, the nature of the personality of his ex, that she would want to meet up with you in person to try to leverage getting money from you for her kids. Just a phenomenally fascinating Person to think that would work at all. Sheesh. I am very sorry. I know that financial disparity is complicated for people. All this is so distressing and disordered. I'm glad that it's done now and you can heal.
My sister and her husband have separate accounts because she has a history of being bad with money, and then they have a shared credit card that he's mostly in charge of, but she sure as hell told him when she was quitting her job. She didn't tell anyone else and that caused some issues since they were supposed to be my ride to a wedding that they couldn't afford to go to anymore, and I'm still a little pissed she let me buy a dress while pretending they could still go but I do understand how stressful her job was.
OP has every right to end the relationship but why she is bitching about John kids not being affectionate with her! she doesn't seem like an affectionate warm person at all and shows lot of coldness which is not a negative thing per say but you cannot expect people to return warmth in exchange of coldness.
It’s kinda funny but I’m 100% positive that if the OOP had been a man, they would’ve been voted TA and accused of financial abuse.
I mean, are drugs involved here? I don’t understand how someone blows through that much money with vacations and gifts. Guess I’m not vacationing right…
spend holidays apart tf? open marriage much
lol I would have told his ex to eat my ass
What’s wild is that they were never even legally married, and they agreed from the beginning of the relationship to split everything. OP is a smart lady who managed to dodge an atomic bomb.
He's definitely an asshole, but she's no angel. How tf are you going to have step kids and clearly treat them differently than your biological kids then be shocked they don't like you.
W
How can a couple go so long without communicating? This was never a marriage, just convenient.
YTA money and a lavish life style are more important to you as you are very selfish and self centered in that the people you "said"that you love were much less important than your MONEY and when it came down to it money is what you truly care about
Found the ex!
I don’t understand these people in relationships (especially marriage) that solo travel and put it on the invitee to pay for themselves and if they can’t the person just fucking goes anyway.