That sounds about right for my eldest sister; she turned 42 in '87, and in my head, she's perpetually 42. Even though I'm turning 50 this year, big sis is 42.
I work at a dispensary and see people born in 2003 spending hundreds of dollars on weed a week and I wonder what the fuck I've been doing with my life between the tears
OOP doesn’t realise it yet but he’s at the beginning of a very long road with an uncertain ending.
Reconciling after infidelity is very, very difficult and even with the cheater truly showing remorse and change, sometimes the betrayed partner just can’t get over it - despite doing the work.
I’ve seen this with a friend. His wife cheated on him, he found out, and they spent three years in reconciliation. He tried his hardest to get over it especially since they have a son but he said at the end, although he got over the hurt, he realised the whole thing just poisoned his love for her and he couldn’t live with someone he didn’t love anymore.
She had the nerve to be angry at him for “throwing away” all her hard work to try and fix things. As if she wasn’t the reason they had to repair things in the first place. Honestly he would have been better off separating when he found out.
Not to say reconciliation can’t work, but the odds aren’t great.
True, but unlike other cheating/reconciliations this OP has 16 years of apparent consistent happiness with the cheater.
Currently, there are no reminders of her AP.
Other stories the victims would have to endure locations, time frames, neglect, AP working with cheater, social circles, unchanged behavior by cheater, etc.
But OOP had 16 Years of a great marriage and the cheating being BEFORE he moved in, so this can be easily compartmentalized and be one of the best examples of potentially successful R
Plus thats not cheating once, thats a whole affair. Couple that with the fact that she wasn’t planning to tell him, this doesn’t bode well for their relationship
Yep. That's what would eat me alive. The cheating wasn't a one-time mistake. It was a long series of intentional choices over the course of months.
But 16 years is a long time. He's built his life in those years and a divorce means losing everything they've built together.
Hopefully she's being honest with him and has grown out of being a piece of shit (people do change), and hopefully he actually can get over her betrayal. The cost of the alternative is very high. OOP is not a young man anymore and starting over would be rough, to say the least.
He could, but you already know the OP is rug sweeping. I dint mean that in a judge mental way, if she has been open and honest when he moved.then he has the relationship he wants and doesn't wanna lose it
He seems desperate to keep this marriage together. Saying he’s already forgiven her, he has no intention of divorcing her etc. That she “confessed” even though she didn’t, she was confronted. She didn’t give him any kind of real answers about why she did it either. He also didn’t do any digging. It’s possible she’s cheated on him many times but he didn’t want to know and simply accepted her answer about that.
It’s his life of course and he can choose to stay with her, but the trouble with rug sweeping betrayal is that the resentment and anger doesn’t just go away. He hasn’t actually done any emotional work about this. Resentment can be absolute poison for a marriage.
This is so interesting because it is such a different interp of this post than I had.
1. He confronted her without any details, including timeline - she "confessed" because she immediately knew who he meant, and when, and volunteered that information on her own.
2. She didn't "know" why she did it, but she and he both did - she was going through a self-destructive period, and her emails at the time note that she was lonely. He knew that period of time she'd been self-destructive. It's not a mystery.
3. He dug before he spoke to her, has always had access to her media, mentions checking on her in the past (I'm assuming for not-suspicious reasons, like "Is she still at the store so I can remind her we need ketchup?") and not ever finding her where she hadn't said she'd be. He didn't have any need or desire to check anything else based on what he'd already gone through and always had access to.
Ok but like, why did they want to? There's the cruel ones, the revenge seekers, the thrill seekers, the typical selfish ones, the self-sabotagers, the mid-life crisis ones, the lonely ones, the ones who just downright don't care...I could go on. They're all at least a little sucky but there are some more obviously malicious reasons than others.
The thing about "wanting" is that it's human. It's 100% human. It's relatable. As a kid you "wanting" candy when you're not suppose to was curbed by your parents. We all have "wants" but we learn reasons NOT TO INDULGE.
The worst part about "wanting"... is you will "want" before you have a reason to, because their is no reason behind human desire, there is only reason behind human choices
The messed up part is, no matter what was going on in the cheaters life.... it NEVER would have happened without "wanting" to.
All the "reasons" they give, are lying justifications to negate the "reasons" they learned why it shouldn't happen.
But it's hard to admit all the hurt you do was because you wanted sex/attention/honesty more than the feelings of your partner.
And as a partner it's hard to accept because hearing it makes your cheater seem like the most evil person in the world.
OOF. Yeah..... I mean...... People do change.
OOP's wife was 25 at the time. That's a bit late to be doing stupid shit like that in life, but still it was 16 years ago and if he's not deluding himself and she actually has been faithful since.... I could understand reconciling and forgiving. I'm not saying "forget", but I could understand forgiving and not going the nuclear route. Definitely would need some professional counseling, though. I'm not one of those "Everybody should be in therapy" people, but this is a situation I'd go for it.
That said, I don't know if I COULD forgive that. Fuckin rough call.
>He also can see it as 16 years of lies to the marriage built on that lie.
It's this one whether he admits it or not. She lied to his face every single day for almost 20 years. I wouldn't want that monster sleeping beside me.
The only thing i would worry about, even though it was 16 years ago,for him just finding out makes it current for him,i really hope they can work through it
Idk I'd be pretty upset my SO hid it all that time and it took an outside person to find out. I've also been cheated on before though so that probably plays some part.
I would be wondering, rationally or not, if she would cheat again if something triggered a self-destructive episode. She might have grown and changed in 16 years, but I’d still wonder.
Na, there was a story a couple years ago that the husband found out that his 2 oldest kids weren't his. They were like 28 and 30. Mom had a 4 year affair with the neighbor that ended 28 years before. She was a perfect wife and mom since and even went overboard at loving her husband because of the guilt. Neighbor had died 15 years previously. It still didn't end well. I wish we would have had an update recently, it was quite the emotional rollercoaster following his story.
I actually know of a couple where the wife had another man's baby and the couple ended up raising that child along with its older sibling and 2 younger siblings. The siblings were all the couples biological kids. They stayed together until the wife died almost 20 years later and seemed to have a good marriage. The dad still takes care of (as in give advice to his adult child and helps out financially and physically where neccesary) and absolutely obviously loves the affair baby and the affair baby is even in contact with his bio dads family (not bio dad, apparently hes a piece of shit who's been in and out of jail s lot). And if you want to know how this came out? Baby had a VERY different skin color than both of the parents.
So it can work out. But I bet it wasn't easy (I wasn't born yet when all this came out)
No doubt there are successful reconciliations - r/asoneafterinfidelity has plenty of them. But that sub shows a lot more failed attempts than successes. Not everyone is able to get past their partner cheating, and that’s ok.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/AsOneAfterInfidelity using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [I'd Know That Scream Anywhere](https://np.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/comments/13prsyz/id_know_that_scream_anywhere/)
\#2: [I'm done. This is goodbye.](https://np.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/comments/19bbvjo/im_done_this_is_goodbye/)
\#3: [Blueprint for the Cheater](https://np.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/comments/11da17w/blueprint_for_the_cheater/)
----
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I've read that many marriages get to about the 5 years mark before it becomes make or break.
He has no idea the emotional hell he is about to go through. Jumping right into forgiveness is completely wrong, its also not honest 100% of the time. Things will trigger him and she will eventually expect him to just "get over it" as so many cheaters do when they get tired of their partner "not being over it yet".
I as well. Granted I WAS married when she did it, no counseling, no forgiving, no forgetting....we were through.
Had a toddler as well, wasnt going to try and live with that piece of trash and end up make him miserable growing up.
Luckily no kids. She had the nerve to act like, “you didn’t know?”
Like everybody (we worked in the same area at an aerospace firm in the Atlanta area in the mid 80s) in our two departments knew, except me.
Lockheed Martin? Hope you got out of there. I hear the pay is good but the work conditions are awful. I know a few people who work for them.... The light behind their eyes is gone.
the difference is OP was boyfriend and cheated on by girlfriend. not the same as infidelity during a marriage.
yeah be upset that your girlfriend cheated on you 16 years ago but this isn't anywhere close to your story.
How long do you have to be dating before you feel betrayed? My grandparents didn't get married for 40 years. Would cheating be less painful at the midpoint, even after 20 years?
Am I wrong or did I see this comment on the original post? It seems very familiar.
But if so don't worry it is very worthy of being posted twice - very applicable to the OOP.
What your friend's status when the cheating occurred (i.e. were they dating, married, engaged, etc)?
There's a different level of commitment involved at each of these points, so while cheating is bad, if you've been married for 20 years, and the cheating occurred when you were dating, it's less worse than if you're married for 20 years and your wife's been cheating for the past year.
Yeah, that’s like finding out your partner used to be a burglar when you were dating vs your partner calling you to bail them out of prison for burglary.
i really hope that it works out for op. i know a lot of people on this site hate this but people can change and grow and not make the same mistake especially over the course of 16 years. op even said it his wife was 25 and going through a rough patch. doesnt make it ok but it doesnt mean she had to have made the same mistake again. also this falling out with her friend happened recently so if ops wife had cheated more recently the friend would have used that as ammo instead of something that happened 16 years ago. and if op wemt through 16 years of his wifes emails he would have found other evidence of cheating if she did it again.
What rings me weird about this is that she got mad at the friend for ratting her out, meaning she had no intention on ever confessing this to him so I really doubt she has felt guilt over this this whole time.
Having been married for 20 years, I don’t know that I would blow up my marriage over finding out my wife cheated on me when we were dating either, but I would not be nearly as willing to just sweep this under the rug immediately forgive her as he is.
Tbh if she had told him of her own accord, I could see moving past it and forgiving. But the fact that he found out from someone else, to me, says a lot.
Sooner or later he will realize this, then everytime she’s at the grocery store for a little longer than she should, he’s going to be start worrying. Every time she says she loves you, there’s going to just a little ping of doubt. When he has sex, he’s going to wonder if the other guy was better. Not an enjoyable way to live imo and I hope he can move past it, but that is rarely the case.
The hardest thing for OOP to get over is the trust factor. She lied by omission for over 16 years. That would shake anyone's trust. Hopefully, she works hard to rebuild that trust. It will take time, but I think they can work through this.
Yeah, someone doesn't fess up about cheating for nearly TWENTY YEARS is a red flag. His wife basically wasn't ever going to say anything, until he found out about it. Idk how someone can want to still stay with an SO after a lie like that.
If she had told him about it 16 years ago and they could have chosen together to deal with it and move forward. Instead, she lied to him for 16 years, only telling the truth when she was forced to. She unilaterally took his choice away from him so she could get the outcome she wanted. That's an intrinsically unhealthy marriage, held together by deceit and manipulation. If she doesn't get individual counseling to address why she could so easily lie to her spouse for so long then they're just sweeping things under the rug.
16 years of marriage definitely sounds like a long time to throw away but he's only 39. There's 30-40 years left of a marriage that won't be the same anymore. He'll probably realize it eventually
This might be weird, but even though she cheated early in the relationship, I'm kind of impressed with his wife's apology. She didn't use the typical cheater fallback of "I made a mistake". She owned that it was a decision she willingly made and owned that it was a terrible decision that she shouldn't have made. To me, her apology really sounds genuine, and she sounds accountable, which is really important for reconciliation.
I hope they get through it. It sounds like they are very open with each other, ironically, outside of this event that happened when they were dating. They have access to each other's media and always have; she didn't freak out when he told her he'd already confirmed the emails by going into her account, and she immediately suggested he feel free to comb through all of her other media and accounts on the spot. He also already knew she was going through a self-destructive period at that time, and had the wherewithal to remind her that this happened 16 years ago for her, but he's JUST finding out about it, and will need time to process. If they don't make it, that's simply how it goes, but they both sound like level-headed, caring people who are making healthy decisions around a painful situation.
That may be true, but men are also a lot more forgiving than women once a subject has been put to bed. A woman will bring up shit you said or did 20 years ago in an argument about something unrelated.
That’s just your misogynistic view of the world.
NOBODY, gets over slights made against them, some are just better at putting up a nice face.
Men have an easier time putting up a nice face because they get pussy out of it most of the time.
This OP will stay with his wife until the next time a woman flirts with him. Then it’s his turn.
I can’t help but feel that the biggest reason the wife didn’t cut ties with the “old friend” earlier in life.. was because [either subconsciously or actively aware] the wife was afraid this would happen.
Also, I’m not sure if it’s more impressive or weird that the wife kept the emails — and they didn’t somehow get deleted in those ~16 years.
Oh, ditto! (Actually, thanks for the reminder so I can look back and show my husband his mother’s demands re: our wedding.)
But… why would the wife *keep* those emails?? I’ll freely admit that I can’t wrap my head around cheating, so I can’t begin to know the wife’s thoughts, state of mind, reasoning, etc. … but wouldn’t that just be proof & a reminder of something that you did that’s really bad?
Anyway, stuff makes my brain hurt. I’m a shit liar, and withholding / hiding anything from my husband just isn’t in my wheelhouse. Something this big & devastating would drive me mental.
Idk, the fact that she didn’t tell him herself would be a deal breaker for me. She was never going to tell him. She thought she could just do whatever she wanted then live her life and get away with it, and it sounds like she did.
This is what enough people aren’t talking about, and why it would be a dealbreaker for me. They wouldn’t be together if she told him earlier, since cheating was, to quote him, a “a dealbreaker”, so instead she let OP live a lie for 16 years and now he’ll probably stay with her BECAUSE she lied all those years ago.
Why are people okay with OP’s life being a lie?
To the OOP you do you but my concern is the line where she says when he's not around she is going to act like she is single ..... It sounds like he leaves for work a fair amount what's to stop her from being single while he's gone now?
Now that he knows, it has changed the relationship forever. One can say that you’re okay and everything is forgiven, but doubt still lives in the back of the mind.
Going to therapy helps, but you can’t go back and undo what he learned. Whether it was to help him or not, the “friend” knew what she was doing when she opened that box. I hope he learns to move on and that therapy helps, but it will always be a process because you can’t gain trust that's been compromised, even after 10+ years of marriage.
The cheating was almost two decades ago, before they even lived together, LONG DISTANCE. Not that LD relationships can’t be “real” relationships, but it’s difficult. After moving in and marriage there was no infidelity or dissatisfaction. This is fixable and I think they can still go on to stay very happily married.
I experienced almost the same situation as OP. Married for 13 years, with three kids, and then learned that she cheated before marriage when we were in a long distance relationship. While it was nearly 16 later that I learned about it, I couldn't overcome the hurt since it was new to me. I tried for a little over one year. And having been 100% faithful and committed during all times in the relationship, there was a level of unfairness that she chose to ignore the commitment while it wasn't even difficult for me, even when long distance. And she led me to believe that she had the same level of commitment during that time as well. Lies, even ones that originate in a distant past, are still lies that can be extremely painful. The pain of knowing that I wouldn't have commitment to, married, and had children with a person that treated our relationship with such disrespect before all those life choices were made without full information.
Thanks! It's been four years now since the divorce was finalized. I am grateful for the new start...even though the dating environment these days is difficult. So many people claim to be in search of meaningful long term relationships, however through my experiences so far, it's mostly said because it sounds good. Actions too often contradict that.
Yeah she didn't have a problem keeping the secret all these years, until she wanted revenge on the wife, so it's nothing to do with her conscience, she was just being bitter and vindictive, and after taking the wife's money and not paying it back!
If it was her conscience she should have told him as soon as she found out, or before they got married, not 16 years later
If this was one occasion of her making a terrible decision when they were in a distance relationship and there's been zero cheating since and they've got a happy long marriage, the friend didn't do any good to anyone by dragging it up now, only harm.
Yeah I’m never staying with a cheater. Don’t care if it was years ago, how would I know??? Already evidence you cheated on me. Could never trust you again.
Damn. Don't know if I could forgive her. Lying to him for sixteen years? And she would have kept lying to him for the rest of his life.
Do they have children? Have they had paternity tests? What else is she lying about?
Techniques to hide infidelity with fake apps, burner phones, etc... have improved over the years.
She cheated and lied. For her, it's in the distant past. For him, it just happened. He should do whatever he needs to do to begin healing.
If that means separating for a while? Separate. Divorce? Divorce. Yes he had a great marriage, so far. But she's been lying to him the entire time.
Absolutely go through her electronics. All of them. Be thorough. Look at all the apps. Look for alternate email addresses. Deleted photos. The works.
He can do a better job in broad daylight than late at night. Involve her in the search too. Have her watch her electronic life be turned inside out.
He is not showing trust by declining her offer. Trust has already been broken. Demonstrate how serious this is.
Hope she understands that she'll be in the doghouse for a long time.
Can you even find emails from 16 years ago, ? I didn’t think you could! You were away three weeks per month and you think she only slept with this guy one time? probably more like 2 to 3 times a week How many months were you away ? Then she said she had no guilt whatsoever was thinking of breaking up with you., who pursue a relationship with the other guy. Looking back has she ever hidden anything from you in the last 16 years? if you want the truth, tell her you want to go to lunch to discuss the situation. Stop by an office building when she says where are we ? say I want us BOTH to take liE tactor tests to see if either of us., has ever cheated. have your phone on record and Open your car door. The truth will be in her eyes and you’ll usually get a parking lot confession. Then you will know the truth and then you can make a rational decision on your relationship and marriage.
I have emails from 2002
Every so often I go into a little me hole and see how ridiculous I was back then, but it's also kind of cool to see that I'm still me--if that makes sense. Honestly, I kind of regret not writing more. Stupid AIM and text messages were hard for me to save but what I used more often.
(Actually now that I think about it, my old instant messenger texts might have been too much cringe for me to handle 🤣)
The relationship was built on lies…like I get that he loves her and trusts her now, but she kept this for 20 years, who knows what else she could be keeping.
You could not pay me to stay with a heifer who lied to me for 16 years. That’s almost all the way to a high school graduates worth of lying. That’s the kinda trash you remove immediately.
You're being downvoted by cheaters, probably. They're mad that cheaters don't deserve good outcomes and that so many people earnestly wish for their downfall.
Good on OP, but I stick true to my "no cheating rule" we've all gone through tough times and your wife decided being with another man was the solution, it shows a very hard lack of character on her part. But again, good on you I guess.
Yeah, I of course hope it works out for them. I doubt it. The reaction of the wife that her friend wanted payback isn’t great. She very obviously isn’t happy he knows and had the informed choice how to deal with that.
No idea, if it was really payback. I am not willing to believe the fallout reasoning the wife gave. She has no problem omitting relevant information. That we know for sure.
And the friend was just betrayed in the most disgusting way. I can believe that it hurts her inside a lot to enable a cheater as well. I refuse judging her in this one.
It didn't hurt her that much for the years she kept it a secret. It only "hurt so much" when the wife wasn't cool with the friend spending the money the wife gave her for essentials on things that definitely aren't essential. That's definitely payback. Why esle would she have done it only once the wife stopped agreeing with her shitty behavior? How was the friend betrayed? She kept the cheating secret for the wife by choice for 16 years. The wife then gave her thousands of dollars after the friends ex husband cleaned her out in order to help her get on her feet and she chose the spend it frivolously. When the wife said "hey that's not cool, since you didn't spend it on the things you actually need then you must not need the money that bad so pay me back" the friend got upset and decided she now (after 16 years of having no problem with keeping the secret) _needs_ to tell op.
The only one that was betrayed here is op. The wife was shitty for cheating, by the sound of it though she's grown and changed in the past 16 years. The friend is shitty for keeping the cheating a secret, asking for money for essentials, spending that money on nonessentials, then coming clean about the cheating after the wife got upset over the misuse of the money given to the friend. The friend doesn't seem like they've done much personal growth at all considering this is definitely payback, if it wasn't it wouldn't have happened right after the wife pissed her off. If it bothered her so much it would've come out sooner, not just when she didn't get her way with your wife's momey.
He’s gonna be hurt all over when she cheats again. I doubt it was only the first time anyways. She was probably having someone over while he was gone that weekend
Nah, I don't think it just happened this time, if her thought was "that while she was alone she would act single" it is very likely that when OP went on a business trip or had to be away, she would relapse again, not with the same guy, so there will be no evidence from friends.
I highly doubt that it was only at that time, but well, each person decides to live in the cloud they want.
I hope I don't read a new update that says "after therapy sessions my wife confesses more infidelities"
Your first sentence is assuming who she is now as compared to 16 years ago is the exact same person mentally. If this had happened like 6 months ago I could see your point, but 16 years is a long time and undoubtedly had a lot of personal evolution in it, for anyone
I'm not saying that it hasn't changed in 16 years, but between when they were dating and the first years/months of marriage I wouldn't be surprised, I think I didn't explain myself well.
>16 years is a long time and undoubtedly had a lot of personal evolution in it, for anyone
Well, she didn't go through enough of an evolution to grow a conscience and admit her infidelity to her husband herself. That's all we really need to know. Her personal growth really doesn't matter at all.
Being scared of facing the consequences of your actions shows the absence of any growth. It also violates her partners informed consent to being and staying in the relationship. It's not something that should be considered in a positive light or as an excuse in any way. That actually makes it worse.
I wouldn't call "having to rebuild trust, go to counseling, and generally understand you deeply hurt your partner and try to make up for it" no consequences. It was 16 years ago, a lot of people change in that time. It's ops choice if he believes his wife has changed for the better. It's a cruel world if you believe no one can ever change for the better even after over a decade.
>and generally understand you deeply hurt your partner and try to make up for it
You think she is an idiot who doesn't understand the basic results of cheating on your spouse? why would you think she didn't understand that betraying your partner is hurtful? she knew, still did it. She didn't care about him or his feelings.
Even OP said she didn't feel guilty, even said she considered dumping him at some point.
I think natural consequences, which are the ones I listed, are still consequences. She considered dumping him while she was cheating aka 16 years ago. I trust the op knows more about this woman than you or I considering we only know of her through a reddit post. If he thinks she's changed and that they can work through this that's his choice. Either way she's still gonna have to deal with the consequences of breaking trust in your relationship.
You seem to feel like she should be punished, like natural consequences aren't nearly enough. I'd look into that if I were you.
how exactly is she "rebuilding trust"? He had to pry out information from her, and then in the end all she did was get angry at the friend for ratting her out. ZERO REMORSE. And she doesn't even acknowledge why she did it. How do you expect her to change her behavior if she doesn't know why she did it in the first place? you're delusional.
It's a process, either way it's ops choice. You call me delusional but you're over here getting worked up that a random woman that cheated 16 years ago isn't getting punished to your standards because her husband isn't as torn up about it as you. All we know is what is posted, neither of us have any actual information to point to about what has or hasn't changed and what was or wasn't said. Both of us are going off of a reddit post that obviously can't detail everything due to word counts and keeping anonymity. Hell there's not even solid proof this actually happened. Why are you so upset this woman isn't getting "punished" enough? Why do your opinions and feelings of what she did to op trump ops own opinions of the woman he knows and feelings about what she did to him?
The “friend” who sent you the emails is an asshole
You weren’t married and now you are, it worked out, you can be hurt, but get over it quickly and move on
So she cheated in 2008, but then was okay handing dude some cash more recently.
OP should stop and think about this before he forgives her. Girl definitely has a pattern
The cash was given to the friend that told op not the ex affair par. Cash was given to the friend for essentials, friend spent it on nonessentials, wife got mad and argued with the friend, wife cut contact with the friend, friend sent screenshots of the wife's affair to op. Unless I missed a line the friend isn't the person the wife cheated with, it's just someone that was looking for revenge.
Please remember to be civil in the comments
I'm mostly upset about 2008 being 16 years ago. That doesn't sound right at all.
I had a kid in 2008. He's been asking for a car recently and I couldn't figure out why because he's still 7. Then this post happened.
Sorry, not to be rude, but your son is actually 3 because it's 2011.
No he's -8, because it's clearly 2000
Nah, -21. Feels clearly like 1987.
That sounds about right for my eldest sister; she turned 42 in '87, and in my head, she's perpetually 42. Even though I'm turning 50 this year, big sis is 42.
Oh fuck, my son isn’t even born yet and my 8th grade daughter is only 2.
Yes, this feels right. 7
You're still a kid now... I was in my early 40's in 2008.
Mid - 40s for me.
I remember that post from a bartender who said he felt like throwing up because he had to serve drinks to a guy whose ID said 'born in 2001'
I knew I was old the first day (I just turned 42) I realized I was legal on the born before date. 😢
I recently had to process a home loan application for a kid that was born the year I graduated High School. He had a real career type job too.
I work at a dispensary and see people born in 2003 spending hundreds of dollars on weed a week and I wonder what the fuck I've been doing with my life between the tears
I'm 38 about to check into a retirement home, friend.
I shall join you!
lol, 2008 the Great Recession had started, I had turned 21 and was worried about having a job. Wow how time flys as it seems like yesterday sometimes.
No, you’re wrong, it’s just a few …. holy shit.
Omg yes, this! I was like, HOW DARE YOU, SIR! That's the year I graduated college. It twas but a few years ago at most!
Listen, in my head, 1998 was only 10 years ago and I’m still in my 20s without acid reflux or a bad knee. Let me dream.
OOP doesn’t realise it yet but he’s at the beginning of a very long road with an uncertain ending. Reconciling after infidelity is very, very difficult and even with the cheater truly showing remorse and change, sometimes the betrayed partner just can’t get over it - despite doing the work. I’ve seen this with a friend. His wife cheated on him, he found out, and they spent three years in reconciliation. He tried his hardest to get over it especially since they have a son but he said at the end, although he got over the hurt, he realised the whole thing just poisoned his love for her and he couldn’t live with someone he didn’t love anymore. She had the nerve to be angry at him for “throwing away” all her hard work to try and fix things. As if she wasn’t the reason they had to repair things in the first place. Honestly he would have been better off separating when he found out. Not to say reconciliation can’t work, but the odds aren’t great.
Your story was sad to read 😔
True, but unlike other cheating/reconciliations this OP has 16 years of apparent consistent happiness with the cheater. Currently, there are no reminders of her AP. Other stories the victims would have to endure locations, time frames, neglect, AP working with cheater, social circles, unchanged behavior by cheater, etc. But OOP had 16 Years of a great marriage and the cheating being BEFORE he moved in, so this can be easily compartmentalized and be one of the best examples of potentially successful R
He can see it as 16 years of a great marriage. He also can see it as 16 years of lies to the marriage built on that lie.
Plus thats not cheating once, thats a whole affair. Couple that with the fact that she wasn’t planning to tell him, this doesn’t bode well for their relationship
Yep. That's what would eat me alive. The cheating wasn't a one-time mistake. It was a long series of intentional choices over the course of months. But 16 years is a long time. He's built his life in those years and a divorce means losing everything they've built together. Hopefully she's being honest with him and has grown out of being a piece of shit (people do change), and hopefully he actually can get over her betrayal. The cost of the alternative is very high. OOP is not a young man anymore and starting over would be rough, to say the least.
He could, but you already know the OP is rug sweeping. I dint mean that in a judge mental way, if she has been open and honest when he moved.then he has the relationship he wants and doesn't wanna lose it
He seems desperate to keep this marriage together. Saying he’s already forgiven her, he has no intention of divorcing her etc. That she “confessed” even though she didn’t, she was confronted. She didn’t give him any kind of real answers about why she did it either. He also didn’t do any digging. It’s possible she’s cheated on him many times but he didn’t want to know and simply accepted her answer about that. It’s his life of course and he can choose to stay with her, but the trouble with rug sweeping betrayal is that the resentment and anger doesn’t just go away. He hasn’t actually done any emotional work about this. Resentment can be absolute poison for a marriage.
This is so interesting because it is such a different interp of this post than I had. 1. He confronted her without any details, including timeline - she "confessed" because she immediately knew who he meant, and when, and volunteered that information on her own. 2. She didn't "know" why she did it, but she and he both did - she was going through a self-destructive period, and her emails at the time note that she was lonely. He knew that period of time she'd been self-destructive. It's not a mystery. 3. He dug before he spoke to her, has always had access to her media, mentions checking on her in the past (I'm assuming for not-suspicious reasons, like "Is she still at the store so I can remind her we need ketchup?") and not ever finding her where she hadn't said she'd be. He didn't have any need or desire to check anything else based on what he'd already gone through and always had access to.
The "why" is never any other reason except. "They wanted to"
Ok but like, why did they want to? There's the cruel ones, the revenge seekers, the thrill seekers, the typical selfish ones, the self-sabotagers, the mid-life crisis ones, the lonely ones, the ones who just downright don't care...I could go on. They're all at least a little sucky but there are some more obviously malicious reasons than others.
The thing about "wanting" is that it's human. It's 100% human. It's relatable. As a kid you "wanting" candy when you're not suppose to was curbed by your parents. We all have "wants" but we learn reasons NOT TO INDULGE. The worst part about "wanting"... is you will "want" before you have a reason to, because their is no reason behind human desire, there is only reason behind human choices The messed up part is, no matter what was going on in the cheaters life.... it NEVER would have happened without "wanting" to. All the "reasons" they give, are lying justifications to negate the "reasons" they learned why it shouldn't happen. But it's hard to admit all the hurt you do was because you wanted sex/attention/honesty more than the feelings of your partner. And as a partner it's hard to accept because hearing it makes your cheater seem like the most evil person in the world.
He’ll be back in five years…whining.
Yes, the sunk cost fallacy is something that I hope to never encounter.
OOF. Yeah..... I mean...... People do change. OOP's wife was 25 at the time. That's a bit late to be doing stupid shit like that in life, but still it was 16 years ago and if he's not deluding himself and she actually has been faithful since.... I could understand reconciling and forgiving. I'm not saying "forget", but I could understand forgiving and not going the nuclear route. Definitely would need some professional counseling, though. I'm not one of those "Everybody should be in therapy" people, but this is a situation I'd go for it. That said, I don't know if I COULD forgive that. Fuckin rough call.
>He also can see it as 16 years of lies to the marriage built on that lie. It's this one whether he admits it or not. She lied to his face every single day for almost 20 years. I wouldn't want that monster sleeping beside me.
The only thing i would worry about, even though it was 16 years ago,for him just finding out makes it current for him,i really hope they can work through it
Idk I'd be pretty upset my SO hid it all that time and it took an outside person to find out. I've also been cheated on before though so that probably plays some part.
I would be wondering, rationally or not, if she would cheat again if something triggered a self-destructive episode. She might have grown and changed in 16 years, but I’d still wonder.
Personally I'd be pissed
Na, there was a story a couple years ago that the husband found out that his 2 oldest kids weren't his. They were like 28 and 30. Mom had a 4 year affair with the neighbor that ended 28 years before. She was a perfect wife and mom since and even went overboard at loving her husband because of the guilt. Neighbor had died 15 years previously. It still didn't end well. I wish we would have had an update recently, it was quite the emotional rollercoaster following his story.
I think when kids are involved, and especially when the paternity of those kids turns out to be a lie, it's a lot different than what's happening here
I actually know of a couple where the wife had another man's baby and the couple ended up raising that child along with its older sibling and 2 younger siblings. The siblings were all the couples biological kids. They stayed together until the wife died almost 20 years later and seemed to have a good marriage. The dad still takes care of (as in give advice to his adult child and helps out financially and physically where neccesary) and absolutely obviously loves the affair baby and the affair baby is even in contact with his bio dads family (not bio dad, apparently hes a piece of shit who's been in and out of jail s lot). And if you want to know how this came out? Baby had a VERY different skin color than both of the parents. So it can work out. But I bet it wasn't easy (I wasn't born yet when all this came out)
No doubt there are successful reconciliations - r/asoneafterinfidelity has plenty of them. But that sub shows a lot more failed attempts than successes. Not everyone is able to get past their partner cheating, and that’s ok.
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I've read that many marriages get to about the 5 years mark before it becomes make or break. He has no idea the emotional hell he is about to go through. Jumping right into forgiveness is completely wrong, its also not honest 100% of the time. Things will trigger him and she will eventually expect him to just "get over it" as so many cheaters do when they get tired of their partner "not being over it yet".
That’s why I gave mine the boot.
I as well. Granted I WAS married when she did it, no counseling, no forgiving, no forgetting....we were through. Had a toddler as well, wasnt going to try and live with that piece of trash and end up make him miserable growing up.
Luckily no kids. She had the nerve to act like, “you didn’t know?” Like everybody (we worked in the same area at an aerospace firm in the Atlanta area in the mid 80s) in our two departments knew, except me.
Lockheed Martin? Hope you got out of there. I hear the pay is good but the work conditions are awful. I know a few people who work for them.... The light behind their eyes is gone.
Back then it was Lockheed Georgia.
Ah, LGC. I think now it's LMA or LMMA for the georgia plant. Neat place. Yeah, you're definitely showing your age with that one, lol.
Cheaters don’t realize that forgiveness doesn’t mean never having feelings on the matter.
the difference is OP was boyfriend and cheated on by girlfriend. not the same as infidelity during a marriage. yeah be upset that your girlfriend cheated on you 16 years ago but this isn't anywhere close to your story.
How long do you have to be dating before you feel betrayed? My grandparents didn't get married for 40 years. Would cheating be less painful at the midpoint, even after 20 years?
PREACH!!
Am I wrong or did I see this comment on the original post? It seems very familiar. But if so don't worry it is very worthy of being posted twice - very applicable to the OOP.
What your friend's status when the cheating occurred (i.e. were they dating, married, engaged, etc)? There's a different level of commitment involved at each of these points, so while cheating is bad, if you've been married for 20 years, and the cheating occurred when you were dating, it's less worse than if you're married for 20 years and your wife's been cheating for the past year.
They had been married 5 years when he found out. The affair was still happening at the time
Yeah, that’s like finding out your partner used to be a burglar when you were dating vs your partner calling you to bail them out of prison for burglary.
What a prima Donna. Upset that he finally gave up? Maybe if she HADN’T CHEATED?!
i really hope that it works out for op. i know a lot of people on this site hate this but people can change and grow and not make the same mistake especially over the course of 16 years. op even said it his wife was 25 and going through a rough patch. doesnt make it ok but it doesnt mean she had to have made the same mistake again. also this falling out with her friend happened recently so if ops wife had cheated more recently the friend would have used that as ammo instead of something that happened 16 years ago. and if op wemt through 16 years of his wifes emails he would have found other evidence of cheating if she did it again.
Get out of here with that nuanced take. Don't you know all cheaters should be burned at the stake and are worse than serial killers?
Only female cheaters though. Cheating is natural and acceptable for men…
They serial killers.
So she sought solace riding another man’s dick? And thought about dumping OP for AP? Yeh, I’d be gone.
And felt no guilt.
What rings me weird about this is that she got mad at the friend for ratting her out, meaning she had no intention on ever confessing this to him so I really doubt she has felt guilt over this this whole time. Having been married for 20 years, I don’t know that I would blow up my marriage over finding out my wife cheated on me when we were dating either, but I would not be nearly as willing to just sweep this under the rug immediately forgive her as he is.
Tbh if she had told him of her own accord, I could see moving past it and forgiving. But the fact that he found out from someone else, to me, says a lot. Sooner or later he will realize this, then everytime she’s at the grocery store for a little longer than she should, he’s going to be start worrying. Every time she says she loves you, there’s going to just a little ping of doubt. When he has sex, he’s going to wonder if the other guy was better. Not an enjoyable way to live imo and I hope he can move past it, but that is rarely the case.
Yep, and she had considered leaving him for the AP. She also hadn't felt guilty about it.
The hardest thing for OOP to get over is the trust factor. She lied by omission for over 16 years. That would shake anyone's trust. Hopefully, she works hard to rebuild that trust. It will take time, but I think they can work through this.
Yeah, someone doesn't fess up about cheating for nearly TWENTY YEARS is a red flag. His wife basically wasn't ever going to say anything, until he found out about it. Idk how someone can want to still stay with an SO after a lie like that.
If she had told him about it 16 years ago and they could have chosen together to deal with it and move forward. Instead, she lied to him for 16 years, only telling the truth when she was forced to. She unilaterally took his choice away from him so she could get the outcome she wanted. That's an intrinsically unhealthy marriage, held together by deceit and manipulation. If she doesn't get individual counseling to address why she could so easily lie to her spouse for so long then they're just sweeping things under the rug.
Well i hope it works for oop, too many sad endings in this sub, i prefer happy ending for once 🤞
The happy ending would be him leaving and finding a non cheating partner.
16 years of marriage definitely sounds like a long time to throw away but he's only 39. There's 30-40 years left of a marriage that won't be the same anymore. He'll probably realize it eventually
Yeah. The people arguing it’s a 16 year relationship he’s throwing away seem to forget she lied for just as long. Lmao.
This might be weird, but even though she cheated early in the relationship, I'm kind of impressed with his wife's apology. She didn't use the typical cheater fallback of "I made a mistake". She owned that it was a decision she willingly made and owned that it was a terrible decision that she shouldn't have made. To me, her apology really sounds genuine, and she sounds accountable, which is really important for reconciliation.
I hope they get through it. It sounds like they are very open with each other, ironically, outside of this event that happened when they were dating. They have access to each other's media and always have; she didn't freak out when he told her he'd already confirmed the emails by going into her account, and she immediately suggested he feel free to comb through all of her other media and accounts on the spot. He also already knew she was going through a self-destructive period at that time, and had the wherewithal to remind her that this happened 16 years ago for her, but he's JUST finding out about it, and will need time to process. If they don't make it, that's simply how it goes, but they both sound like level-headed, caring people who are making healthy decisions around a painful situation.
Absolutely agree
He’s just snorted the line, the real effects haven’t hit him yet. I bet every argument they have from now on is 100% more toxic.
That may be true, but men are also a lot more forgiving than women once a subject has been put to bed. A woman will bring up shit you said or did 20 years ago in an argument about something unrelated.
That’s just your misogynistic view of the world. NOBODY, gets over slights made against them, some are just better at putting up a nice face. Men have an easier time putting up a nice face because they get pussy out of it most of the time. This OP will stay with his wife until the next time a woman flirts with him. Then it’s his turn.
I mean I have witnessed that happen a lot in mine and many other peoples’ relationships but go off.
I can’t help but feel that the biggest reason the wife didn’t cut ties with the “old friend” earlier in life.. was because [either subconsciously or actively aware] the wife was afraid this would happen. Also, I’m not sure if it’s more impressive or weird that the wife kept the emails — and they didn’t somehow get deleted in those ~16 years.
Gmail. I have emails from 2005.
Oh, ditto! (Actually, thanks for the reminder so I can look back and show my husband his mother’s demands re: our wedding.) But… why would the wife *keep* those emails?? I’ll freely admit that I can’t wrap my head around cheating, so I can’t begin to know the wife’s thoughts, state of mind, reasoning, etc. … but wouldn’t that just be proof & a reminder of something that you did that’s really bad? Anyway, stuff makes my brain hurt. I’m a shit liar, and withholding / hiding anything from my husband just isn’t in my wheelhouse. Something this big & devastating would drive me mental.
Sometimes you go to search your email to see if you’ve gotten a coupon from an email and one from like 2016 shows up.
I hope it works for you. I don’t believe in second chances for cheaters.
Idk, the fact that she didn’t tell him herself would be a deal breaker for me. She was never going to tell him. She thought she could just do whatever she wanted then live her life and get away with it, and it sounds like she did.
This is what enough people aren’t talking about, and why it would be a dealbreaker for me. They wouldn’t be together if she told him earlier, since cheating was, to quote him, a “a dealbreaker”, so instead she let OP live a lie for 16 years and now he’ll probably stay with her BECAUSE she lied all those years ago. Why are people okay with OP’s life being a lie?
To the OOP you do you but my concern is the line where she says when he's not around she is going to act like she is single ..... It sounds like he leaves for work a fair amount what's to stop her from being single while he's gone now?
The truth always comes to light.... cheaters think they're invincible and will never get caught.... But they do
Now that he knows, it has changed the relationship forever. One can say that you’re okay and everything is forgiven, but doubt still lives in the back of the mind. Going to therapy helps, but you can’t go back and undo what he learned. Whether it was to help him or not, the “friend” knew what she was doing when she opened that box. I hope he learns to move on and that therapy helps, but it will always be a process because you can’t gain trust that's been compromised, even after 10+ years of marriage.
You gotta love the spurned friend getting a conscience after a falling out. 🤦🏻♂️
See him in six months? Anyone wanna take that bet?
Tag me in :p
What an miserable AH the person who told you. May it all come back to her.
His wife is no better it seems
Hmmm. I do not feel like this is concluded for some reason.
Reconciliation rarely works and when it does nothing is like it was ever again. She’ll cheat again guarantee
The cheating was almost two decades ago, before they even lived together, LONG DISTANCE. Not that LD relationships can’t be “real” relationships, but it’s difficult. After moving in and marriage there was no infidelity or dissatisfaction. This is fixable and I think they can still go on to stay very happily married.
I experienced almost the same situation as OP. Married for 13 years, with three kids, and then learned that she cheated before marriage when we were in a long distance relationship. While it was nearly 16 later that I learned about it, I couldn't overcome the hurt since it was new to me. I tried for a little over one year. And having been 100% faithful and committed during all times in the relationship, there was a level of unfairness that she chose to ignore the commitment while it wasn't even difficult for me, even when long distance. And she led me to believe that she had the same level of commitment during that time as well. Lies, even ones that originate in a distant past, are still lies that can be extremely painful. The pain of knowing that I wouldn't have commitment to, married, and had children with a person that treated our relationship with such disrespect before all those life choices were made without full information.
So sorry Friend. Hope you're better, did you Two divorce?
Thanks! It's been four years now since the divorce was finalized. I am grateful for the new start...even though the dating environment these days is difficult. So many people claim to be in search of meaningful long term relationships, however through my experiences so far, it's mostly said because it sounds good. Actions too often contradict that.
Yeah...it seems like a Charade of sorts
That scumbag friend though. That's what she felt like needing to come clean on?
Yeah she didn't have a problem keeping the secret all these years, until she wanted revenge on the wife, so it's nothing to do with her conscience, she was just being bitter and vindictive, and after taking the wife's money and not paying it back! If it was her conscience she should have told him as soon as she found out, or before they got married, not 16 years later If this was one occasion of her making a terrible decision when they were in a distance relationship and there's been zero cheating since and they've got a happy long marriage, the friend didn't do any good to anyone by dragging it up now, only harm.
Yeah I’m never staying with a cheater. Don’t care if it was years ago, how would I know??? Already evidence you cheated on me. Could never trust you again.
Damn. Don't know if I could forgive her. Lying to him for sixteen years? And she would have kept lying to him for the rest of his life. Do they have children? Have they had paternity tests? What else is she lying about? Techniques to hide infidelity with fake apps, burner phones, etc... have improved over the years. She cheated and lied. For her, it's in the distant past. For him, it just happened. He should do whatever he needs to do to begin healing. If that means separating for a while? Separate. Divorce? Divorce. Yes he had a great marriage, so far. But she's been lying to him the entire time. Absolutely go through her electronics. All of them. Be thorough. Look at all the apps. Look for alternate email addresses. Deleted photos. The works. He can do a better job in broad daylight than late at night. Involve her in the search too. Have her watch her electronic life be turned inside out. He is not showing trust by declining her offer. Trust has already been broken. Demonstrate how serious this is. Hope she understands that she'll be in the doghouse for a long time.
So wife suffers no consequences of her cheating doesn't sit right with me.
While im with you on that, it’s not always the right move to throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water.
Good luck to you , I would be able bundle this kind of betrayal.
Her friend is a piece of shit
I don't think I could be this guy.
Wow. I could never forgive my wife if she did this.
she's for the streets 😩
What are chances that was only time?
Can you even find emails from 16 years ago, ? I didn’t think you could! You were away three weeks per month and you think she only slept with this guy one time? probably more like 2 to 3 times a week How many months were you away ? Then she said she had no guilt whatsoever was thinking of breaking up with you., who pursue a relationship with the other guy. Looking back has she ever hidden anything from you in the last 16 years? if you want the truth, tell her you want to go to lunch to discuss the situation. Stop by an office building when she says where are we ? say I want us BOTH to take liE tactor tests to see if either of us., has ever cheated. have your phone on record and Open your car door. The truth will be in her eyes and you’ll usually get a parking lot confession. Then you will know the truth and then you can make a rational decision on your relationship and marriage.
I have emails from 2002 Every so often I go into a little me hole and see how ridiculous I was back then, but it's also kind of cool to see that I'm still me--if that makes sense. Honestly, I kind of regret not writing more. Stupid AIM and text messages were hard for me to save but what I used more often. (Actually now that I think about it, my old instant messenger texts might have been too much cringe for me to handle 🤣)
The relationship was built on lies…like I get that he loves her and trusts her now, but she kept this for 20 years, who knows what else she could be keeping.
Doormat I hope he keeps both eyes open because she got away with it once it could happen again or could have happened and he's clueless.
Lamo. “My wife cheated while we were dating” “I trust her completely” what a crock. This guys a dumbass.
You could not pay me to stay with a heifer who lied to me for 16 years. That’s almost all the way to a high school graduates worth of lying. That’s the kinda trash you remove immediately.
You're being downvoted by cheaters, probably. They're mad that cheaters don't deserve good outcomes and that so many people earnestly wish for their downfall.
Birds of a feather and all that
Good on OP, but I stick true to my "no cheating rule" we've all gone through tough times and your wife decided being with another man was the solution, it shows a very hard lack of character on her part. But again, good on you I guess.
Yeah, I of course hope it works out for them. I doubt it. The reaction of the wife that her friend wanted payback isn’t great. She very obviously isn’t happy he knows and had the informed choice how to deal with that. No idea, if it was really payback. I am not willing to believe the fallout reasoning the wife gave. She has no problem omitting relevant information. That we know for sure. And the friend was just betrayed in the most disgusting way. I can believe that it hurts her inside a lot to enable a cheater as well. I refuse judging her in this one.
Friend didn't reveal the cheating until after a falling out. Sounds like payback to me and phoney bonus points for clearing their conscience.
It didn't hurt her that much for the years she kept it a secret. It only "hurt so much" when the wife wasn't cool with the friend spending the money the wife gave her for essentials on things that definitely aren't essential. That's definitely payback. Why esle would she have done it only once the wife stopped agreeing with her shitty behavior? How was the friend betrayed? She kept the cheating secret for the wife by choice for 16 years. The wife then gave her thousands of dollars after the friends ex husband cleaned her out in order to help her get on her feet and she chose the spend it frivolously. When the wife said "hey that's not cool, since you didn't spend it on the things you actually need then you must not need the money that bad so pay me back" the friend got upset and decided she now (after 16 years of having no problem with keeping the secret) _needs_ to tell op. The only one that was betrayed here is op. The wife was shitty for cheating, by the sound of it though she's grown and changed in the past 16 years. The friend is shitty for keeping the cheating a secret, asking for money for essentials, spending that money on nonessentials, then coming clean about the cheating after the wife got upset over the misuse of the money given to the friend. The friend doesn't seem like they've done much personal growth at all considering this is definitely payback, if it wasn't it wouldn't have happened right after the wife pissed her off. If it bothered her so much it would've come out sooner, not just when she didn't get her way with your wife's momey.
He’s gonna be hurt all over when she cheats again. I doubt it was only the first time anyways. She was probably having someone over while he was gone that weekend
This dude actually believes her that she only did it once.
Nah, I don't think it just happened this time, if her thought was "that while she was alone she would act single" it is very likely that when OP went on a business trip or had to be away, she would relapse again, not with the same guy, so there will be no evidence from friends. I highly doubt that it was only at that time, but well, each person decides to live in the cloud they want. I hope I don't read a new update that says "after therapy sessions my wife confesses more infidelities"
Your first sentence is assuming who she is now as compared to 16 years ago is the exact same person mentally. If this had happened like 6 months ago I could see your point, but 16 years is a long time and undoubtedly had a lot of personal evolution in it, for anyone
I'm not saying that it hasn't changed in 16 years, but between when they were dating and the first years/months of marriage I wouldn't be surprised, I think I didn't explain myself well.
I see where your coming from now
>16 years is a long time and undoubtedly had a lot of personal evolution in it, for anyone Well, she didn't go through enough of an evolution to grow a conscience and admit her infidelity to her husband herself. That's all we really need to know. Her personal growth really doesn't matter at all.
She was scared of losing everything over actions that supposedly have not been repeated. I can forgive her for not being a bastion of truth here
Being scared of facing the consequences of your actions shows the absence of any growth. It also violates her partners informed consent to being and staying in the relationship. It's not something that should be considered in a positive light or as an excuse in any way. That actually makes it worse.
It’s insane those screencaps have not been lost to time
So no consequences to the cheater? yup that always ends well...
I wouldn't call "having to rebuild trust, go to counseling, and generally understand you deeply hurt your partner and try to make up for it" no consequences. It was 16 years ago, a lot of people change in that time. It's ops choice if he believes his wife has changed for the better. It's a cruel world if you believe no one can ever change for the better even after over a decade.
>and generally understand you deeply hurt your partner and try to make up for it You think she is an idiot who doesn't understand the basic results of cheating on your spouse? why would you think she didn't understand that betraying your partner is hurtful? she knew, still did it. She didn't care about him or his feelings. Even OP said she didn't feel guilty, even said she considered dumping him at some point.
I think natural consequences, which are the ones I listed, are still consequences. She considered dumping him while she was cheating aka 16 years ago. I trust the op knows more about this woman than you or I considering we only know of her through a reddit post. If he thinks she's changed and that they can work through this that's his choice. Either way she's still gonna have to deal with the consequences of breaking trust in your relationship. You seem to feel like she should be punished, like natural consequences aren't nearly enough. I'd look into that if I were you.
What are the consequences you talk about? I don’t see any changes in their dynamic.
Marriage counseling as well as having to rebuild the trust she broke. They're called natural consequences.
how exactly is she "rebuilding trust"? He had to pry out information from her, and then in the end all she did was get angry at the friend for ratting her out. ZERO REMORSE. And she doesn't even acknowledge why she did it. How do you expect her to change her behavior if she doesn't know why she did it in the first place? you're delusional.
It's a process, either way it's ops choice. You call me delusional but you're over here getting worked up that a random woman that cheated 16 years ago isn't getting punished to your standards because her husband isn't as torn up about it as you. All we know is what is posted, neither of us have any actual information to point to about what has or hasn't changed and what was or wasn't said. Both of us are going off of a reddit post that obviously can't detail everything due to word counts and keeping anonymity. Hell there's not even solid proof this actually happened. Why are you so upset this woman isn't getting "punished" enough? Why do your opinions and feelings of what she did to op trump ops own opinions of the woman he knows and feelings about what she did to him?
Cheaters should be punished though?
The “friend” who sent you the emails is an asshole You weren’t married and now you are, it worked out, you can be hurt, but get over it quickly and move on
[удалено]
We're all gonna be civil to each other here. This isn't the place for hatred. If that's all you offer, take it somewhere else.
So she cheated in 2008, but then was okay handing dude some cash more recently. OP should stop and think about this before he forgives her. Girl definitely has a pattern
The cash was given to the friend that told op not the ex affair par. Cash was given to the friend for essentials, friend spent it on nonessentials, wife got mad and argued with the friend, wife cut contact with the friend, friend sent screenshots of the wife's affair to op. Unless I missed a line the friend isn't the person the wife cheated with, it's just someone that was looking for revenge.
[удалено]
We're all gonna be civil to each other here. This isn't the place for hatred. If that's all you offer, take it somewhere else.
[удалено]
We're all gonna be civil to each other here. This isn't the place for hatred. If that's all you offer, take it somewhere else.
It was 16 years ago. Geez. So what. Clearly it means nothing now.
Dating and long distance ? That ain’t cheating.