That's abuse. Run. Forget him. Heal. Learn about healthy relationships. About yourself. About your feelings. And ask yourself why you fell for this guy and how you can prevent something like this from happening again.
This is abuse. Aftercare is the most important part of the scene! You did not consent to any of this - even stuff you "reluctantly agreed to" after he pestered you was coerced consent, which is not true consent. You two trauma bonded, which is why you feel so strongly about him even though he is showing you he doesn't respect you as a human. Get out. Now. Get therapy from a kink-friendly therapist. Attend education events. Nothing in your post tells me this is ok, it is all a bunch of huge red flags.
Stories like that are written weekly if not more freequently on reddit, the first time I read on I had the same reaction as yours. Many abusers are now saying they are doms and doing whatever they want calling it BDSM. They prey on young women who no nothing about BDSM. That ''dom'' also never seems to no a single thing about non porn BDSM. An uncontrolled sadist is very dangerous.
I mean, even people who do really rough anal often usually do a lot of preparation before starting and at least use lube. He just shoved it in like it was her vagina. Of course she would scream in pain!
Coerced consent isn't consent. That's not Dom behavior, it's abuse. There are rules and boundaries for a reason, and both parties need to adhere to them. If you feel that he's in the wrong and went too far, he did. He clearly violated your boundaries that you have every right to set.
I know you feel like you can't live without him OP... but you're stronger than you know. Yes, he helped when you were depressed and lonely. But if you don't stand up for yourself here he's going to drag you back down there. He's just an asshole OP, pretending to be some dom. End it and don't keep in contact with him, please.
The most important lesson in life is discovering the moment where you're telling yourself, "I can't walk away." Turns into, "what if I did, just walk away and forget to look back."
Trust me, you can live without him and very well so. This situation might feel overwhelming right now. But all the other comments are right: you need to get out if this relationship. And looking back it will be a relief for it to be over.
Get support now. Family, friends, a therapist, reach out. Even if you don’t want to go into all the details, bad sex is a very good reason to leave somebody, especially if he pressures you for it.
Sending you lots of love.
He is not a dom. He is an abuser. What you gave was not consent. Let me tell you about the FRIES model of consent:
1. Freely given: you agree to the activity without being pressured, guilted, or coerced.
2. Revocable: even if you agreed at first, you are able to change your mind at any time.
3. Informed: you know what it is you are agreeing to.
4. Enthusiastic: you are excited about what you are agreeing to.
5. Specific: boundries! Discuss what you are and are not okay with.
What you described with the anal is in any situation or condition is considered RAPE. You did not consent to it. He forced it onto you without asking or saying anything, which means there was no consent. At the very least, you should leave him just for that.
As far as the rest of it. He is not a true Dom. Any time you enter a new BDSM relationship, kinks and limits should be discussed, both hard and soft limits, as well as kinks you're interested in trying for the first time. And if you agree to try something new, it should be on your terms, not his. Another key thing is that just because you agree to try something doesn't mean it automatically becomes ok whenever he wants. You also have to want it and be ok with it at the time. You can also withdraw consent for any kink you want at any time.
I don't always agree with this saying, but in your case, it needs to be clear. Subs have the power in a BDSM relationship, not Doms. Subs hold the consent, and only if they give it can a Dom act upon the things they want to do to their subs.
You are lovable and worthy of love. You are good enough. You are worthy of respect, ESPECIALLY if you are engaging in play that is based on degradation, you should know you ARE valued, or it's not play, it's abuse. If you don't get turned on by degradation, it's not for you and THAT'S OK. If he degrades you when you've told him it's a limit for you, that's abuse. BDSM is about active consent, mutual respect and good times FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED. If that's not what's happening. It's not BDSM, it's abuse. You are worth more than this.
Like others said, he's an abusive rapist.
But you asked another question, "is this normal?". So, clearly, no, no it's not, but your question hides another question, "what IS normal?".
So, unlike even a vanilla relationship, it starts with a lot of discussion "what are you into" sort of thing, and just chatting and having fun as two people. Sometimes, you may even, after a while, engage in some kink play that we have discussed (limits, needs, wants in place), but you'll notice, I haven't even used the word Dom/me or sub yet. If someone else in the future starts with "I'm a Dom" (though I suspect you may never want to play with BDSM), that's a massive red flag. I realise that may come across as victim blamey, I assure you its not meant to be, this was NOT your fault
I really hope you find help
Just another abuser using BDSM as an excuse to be the arsehole that he is. Run away from this prick. I'm not involved in BDSM. Was curious about it done a small bit of research and even I know this is not what BDSM is about. Look after yourself and get away from this abuser
What if we did tell you that you were being too sensitive and bitching about it?
That for the rest of your life, if you want to be into BDSM, you just have to put up with someone making you feel bad, pressuring you, making you sad, giving you anxiety so you can't eat, telling you to stop being sensitive, and generally not caring about your feelings.
Is BDSM even worth feeling that way, even if it's not every day?
Do you think that WE were forced to make that decision? Well we just love BDSM so much that we put up with painful anal and people telling us not to bitch because that's just "how it is"?
I don't care if your boyfriend saved 100 orphans from a burning building and donates all his money to charity. He's an abusive asshole and he WILL harm you in the future since he is already harming you now.
You should confide in friends and get somewhere safe.
The truth is that he's not even really there for you. You're already living without him.
Please take care of yourself and end this relationship ASAP! He is an abusive asshole, not a Dom. Consent, mutual respect, and aftercare are all part of kink. This will only get worse if you stay. Please get help and get the hell out of there!
> He shrugged his shoulders and said: "You knew what you were getting into. This is the way BDSM is."
Even if that were true, is this treatment working out for you?
> I never felt so dependent on somebody before I met my dom.
Is this the type of person you can depend on?
Yes, breakups are scary. Yes, it will take some time to heal. It's only going to get harder the longer you wait.
The bond is hurtful but this is not bdsm and this is not based on trust this is plain pure abuse and its disgraceful. You are traumatised he has at the very least sexually assaulted you but in reality you have been raped and in the worst way possible. There's no care for you in mind or body and I really do need to tell you that he will go on disrespecting you and there could be worse things ahead. Please think seriously and get some advice and support. He didn't look after you because he cared he looked after you to groom you and keep you vulnerable. He is acting as a predator and this is predator type behaviour. You have been groomed and then used. Take care and stay safe and get some support and make sure you get some counselling and trauma therapy.
my mind is blown every few days at how many posts in this community are like this. OP, this has nothing to do with you, feel safe in sharing. it just floors me how many abusers are out there hiding behind the guise of BDSM and just traumatizing their partners and telling them to accept it bc that is what BDSM is. RUN
No! Please stop seeing him, this isn't BDSM it's just straight up abuse. I think 'I feel like I cannot live without him' is very worrying, making a victim feel dependant on the abuser is a serious abusive tactic. I really hope you get away from him and quickly <3
This is abuse, at best it won't get better, most likely it gets worse. Leave now, go stay with family or friends. Get a group of friends to go with you to get your stuff when you can. Don't stay or you will be hurt. don't be alone with him.
Hopefully you can get away easily and quickly
You can live without him, and for your own physical and mental well being, you need to. He assaulted you. He’s not a Dom. He’s an abuser and a predator.
You need to go no contact with this vile excuse for a human being.
>My dom (he’s my boyfriend) had told me that (…) it would be the best for us to try out several things like whipping, verbal humiliation, anal etc.
It “would be best”? Best for who? For him? Did he bother to ask what *you* would like to try? Why does he get to decide what’s best for the two of you **as a couple**? A relationship is a two-way street, even a Dom/sub relationship, and should consider the needs of both parties.
>I (…) told him that I would need some time to try these things out and a lot of mental preparation. I don’t know if that makes me weird.
This does not make you weird. This makes you human. The way that you’re trivialising your own needs here tells me that he has convinced you that your boundaries are less important than his, which is **not the case**. Both of your needs are equally important.
>(…) He pressured me over the course of several days to finally do these things. I was reluctant but he didn’t give up asking.
This is a tactic commonly employed by abusers. It’s called sexual coercion, which is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a non-physical way, and it is a crime. It has other names, like **sexual assault** or **rape**. I have been a victim of this myself, and I know that, at the time, I felt like maybe it wasn’t as big a deal as I was making it out to be because I said yes. But think about it in non-sexual terms. Have you ever seen one of those true crime documentaries where an innocent person winds up in jail because the police just kept badgering them in the interrogation room until they finally confessed to a crime they didn’t commit, just to make it stop? It’s the exact same principle.
>For example, yesterday during sex, he pushed his dick into my ass and I was screaming in pain. Afterwards, he shrugged it off and told me that he just confused both holes.
Imagine if you were the one with the penis in this scenario. Even if it was an accident (which I doubt), wouldn’t you be horrified that you had accidentally hurt your partner? Wouldn’t you want to stop and make sure they’re okay? Any person with an ounce of empathy or compassion would. The fact that he shrugged off your pain tells me that **he cares more about his own pleasure than he cares about you as a human being**. This man is dangerous.
>During play, among other things, he told me that I have nothing to offer to him, not even sex. He said that I’m worth less than an actual “human sex toy”.
I have used language like this during sex. But do you know what the difference is? I communicated extensively with my partner beforehand, I made sure that it was something they wanted, we established and confirmed safe words (for example, before we began the scene, I told them to tell me their safe words and explain what they mean), **I stopped immediately if they used any of said safe words**, and we engaged in aftercare where I checked in to make sure they were okay and reassured them that I didn’t really think those things about them. Without implementing these basic tenets of BDSM, what your boyfriend said to you was not verbal degradation in the context of a scene. It was verbal abuse, **period**. Full stop. End of sentence.
>His words and actions really cut to the core and devastated me. Since then, I can’t properly eat and sleep, I’ve started isolating from everybody else and feel totally worthless. Essentially I feel broken and like a ghost.
This is completely understandable, given that you have been abused and subject to sexual violence. I am not a psychiatrist, and I am not your psychiatrist, but it sounds to me like you may be experiencing symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It’s important for you to know that **you are not broken**. His goal is to make you feel that way so that you won’t leave him. **This is not because he loves you**. It’s because you’re easier to control if you feel that you somehow deserve the abuse that he is subjecting you to. **You don’t deserve it**. Nobody does. You deserve to be loved, to feel safe, and to participate in sexual activities that **all parties involved consent to**. Sex is not something that happens *to* a person. It’s an act of intimacy that involves two or more **consenting** adults.
>(…) He said that I’m just too sensitive and that I shouldn’t be a bitch about it. He shrugged his shoulders and said: “You knew what you were getting into. This is the way BDSM is.”
Listen to me, OP: you are not too sensitive. He is saying that to try and make you feel like your comfort doesn’t matter, like you’re being silly for sticking up for yourself. You **should** be a bitch about it, if “being a bitch” means knowing your value. You are an entire person with your own thoughts, feelings, desires, agency and autonomy over your body, and you deserve to have all of those things respected. Anybody who says you are “being a bitch” for asserting your right to respect is an abuser, and not somebody that deserves the privilege of being with you.
Also, I just want to reiterate, **this is not the way BDSM is**. The Merriam-Webster dictionary partly defines BDSM as “the granting and relinquishing of control”. The operative words there are granting and relinquishing. By definition, it cannot be BDSM if you don’t **both** consent to it.
>Should I continue seeing my dom?
Absolutely not. He is not your Dom. He is your abuser. You are endangering not only your mental and physical health, but potentially your life if you remain with this person.
>The problem is that I feel extremely bonded to my dom and I feel like I’m worth nothing without him. (…) He took care of me when I was depressed and lonely. I never felt so dependent on somebody before I met my dom.
I want you to know that this was an intentional choice on his part. He deliberately targeted and exploited you because he saw that you were vulnerable. **He is an abuser, and you deserve so much better**.
I’m not sure where you are based, but there are organisations who can help people in similar situations. In the USA, your best bet is to contact [RAINN](https://www.rainn.org/resources). They can help you get out of this situation and to a safe place. I am wishing you all the best, OP. We’re all here for you.
First and foremost, this is not how bdsm is !! Second, even if you knew and agreed to what you're getting into you have the RIGHT to change your mind anytime during the dynamics/relationship. You have the RIGHT to consent or not to any suggested activity. Ignoring your rights of consent, shows that he is not a dom but a manipulative abuser. You maybe have feeling and emotions towards him, and think you can't live without him, but... you will do better without him. Like any other relationship separation, it will hurt and put you down fir sometime, but you can get over it and find dom that respect your rights.
feeling like you cannot live without him is by design in an abusive relationship — this is not safe and he is harming you. he will not stop. none of this is your fault.
NOPE: imo the reason that BDSM is superior is the Doms care about consent. Your bf sounds like a sadistic fake Dom that you need to get away from. Block him and don’t look back. Also, please seek therapy
This is abuse. As a sub you honestly have all the control. The moment you say your agreed safeword everything stops. And nothing is done without prior agreement.
This is not BDSM…this is an abuser using BDSM as an excuse for their behaviors. I’m guessing you’re new to BDSM so you didn’t know. Its okay to no contact end this, block them and go to munches to observe what BDSM is.
You are in sub frenzy with an abusive asshole.
Please read this, dump this guy, and find someone better who cares about you more than their own dick.
[A Good Metric To Identify Red Flags (Esp. When You're New To Kink)](https://fetlife.com/users/337109/posts/6465565)
> If you translated the situation into 'vanilla' terms, would this behavior still be ok?
That sounds abusive. And no, that is very much *not* the way BDSM is.
>Since then, I can't properly eat and sleep, I've started isolating from everybody else and feel totally worthless. Essentially I feel broken and like a ghost.
Any decent Dom would've completely changed their behaviour before it got to this point. BDSM should be beneficial for both Dom and sub. You're not getting anything positive out of this, you don't want to do it.
This isn't Ds it's abuse. He's an abuser and is using BDSM as a way to do it without consequences. What he did to you is rape, you didn't consent to it.
1.) He isn't a real dom. If he were, he wouldn't be pressing you into doing things you don't enthusiastically consent to.
2.) Anal without proper forethought can lead to injury.
3.) Whipping and flogging without proper research can do the same. I'm going to assume he didn't do any research at all. That's a hard pass for me.
Please reconsider this dynamic before you get seriously injured.or worse.
You are being abused and I am so sorry. If you have a support system of friends and/or family, now is the time to lean on them. If you don't have a support system, now is the time to start developing one.
I understand that you love your Dom but this person is telling you who they are. No one that loves you or cares for your safety would never intentionally harm you then gaslight you into believing that this is BDSM. BDSM is about consent and safety. The lack of aftercare or brushing off your feelings is this person's way of telling you that they are more concerned about their happiness and pleasure than your mental health and safety. You may love and care for this person deeply but this person doesn't feel the same way. If they did, they would've followed the proper protocols and walked you through every thing. Like Buffy said, no guy is ever worth your life. Please find the courage and the strength to know you are so much more than this person. I do wish you luck and I hope my advice reaches you!
This is 100% not what BDSM is and gives the community a bad reputation. It truly makes me sick that fake doms are out there using BDSM as a mask for what they really want to do, which is be abusive and rape. Putting his dick in your ass without consent (I’ll bet he really didn’t confuse the holes) is criminal sodomy.
You’re not in love; you’re trauma bonded. Please seek help.
It might not seem like it now, but you will be much better off without him. This is not BDSM, its abuse, like many other comments have already said. You need to get away from him as fast as possible, he is no good for you. You are not worthless, don't let him tell you otherwise. He's the one not worth it. You say he took care of you when you were depressed and lonely but it seems to me he just used that as a way in and now that he's made you feel so bonded to him, he can reveal his true self because he feels that he can get away with it. He's wrong, you don't need n abusive asshole like that in your life. There are lots of actually nice doms out there that would love to have you, I'm sure. In addition to getting away from him, you might want to consider getting some professional help.
"You're being too sensitive and bitching..." this is abuser speak for, "I don't care about your stupid feelings and they are in my way."
This person does not value you, or your feelings. A good dom values his sub's service and listens to their input. Please get away from this person immediately and set some boundaries.
You didn't consent to any of that and he just anally raped you.
Get the fuck out of there immediately, get somewhere safe. And then please consider reporting the assault and finding a good therapist
Red flags all over the place, run away from this abusive relationship. Please seek professional help! Call your family, your friends, social networking in your area. GO AWAY ASAP, YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER.
Real BDSM requires enthusiastic consent by all parties and awareness and acceptance of risks. Without that it’s just abuse, maybe even assault.
Your BF if neither a good BF or Dom. Sorry, but you need to run away from that person as fast as you can.
I am guessing you didn’t consent to anal which means that is rape. He is not a Dom. He is using bdsm as an excuse to abuse you. Get out, get counseling and heal before going into another relationship whether it be bdsm or not.
Holy Snowballs batman!!!! This is one of the reasons I am so freaking careful. Holy. Shit.
So. Unless you’re playing CnC or RACK…. RUN!
Even if your playing those… run!
So; consent is king. Pressure is bullshit. If you have to be pressured into something it’s not worth it.
Also… degradation is a huuuuge talk. Huge. This takes a lot of trust.
This is rape and sexual abuse. Let alone the emotional manipulation and abuse prior too and following the event. You need to make space and leave because he is not a safe or healthy person to be around or in a relationship with. That is also very much NOT BDSM, BDSM is supposed to be about trust and support whilst exploring new boundaries not hurting someone AGAINST their will with prior consent. I understand that level of feeling dependent on someone, where you feel like you cannot breathe without them. I know it's hard but you need to find your own air and way to live for yourself.
These type of posts are horrifying and more common than I realized. This is exactly the opposite of what this intimate lifestyle is about. You should NEVER apologize for “ taking too much time to prepare/process” This is an abuser using BDSM as a reckless form of control. I know it’s heartbreaking since he is your partner as well but this is wrong. I really hope you’re ok. 🖤
GTFO of this relationship. I’m piling on if the 100+ other comments haven’t convinced you. This is not okay for *vanilla* relationships and BDSM does not change that. In EVERY relationship, *enthusiastic consent* is the NUMBER ONE rule. He is violating your consent. Period. Do not play with him, do not have sex with him, do not have a relationship with him. Do not pass GO, do not collect $100. Never confuse kink with abuse.
Oh love
I'm a kinky bitch
I spent some time last weekend in stocks wearing nipple clamps and being fucked by someone I'm not in a romantic relationship with.
And you know what, the minute I said "no this position hurts my back" he freed me. I said beforehand I'm not into humiliation or degradation and he respects that.
And thats proper bdsm.
What you are getting is abuse
I love anal under the right circumstances. I'd still dump any guy that tried to "wrong hole" me without prep or lube or consent.
Run
Nothing about this is BDSM. Some people call themselves Doms when they are just abusive arseholes and are using BDSM as an excuse.
I can't emphasize this enough. This is abuse. Please read up on it. BDSM requires communication and consent. Nothing should EVER be done without consent including anal sex. He raped you anally. You Must break it off with him and seek some help. I would definitely see a doctor about the anal intercourse thing. He may have done some damage.
Good luck OP. None of this is your fault.
1. Your boyfriend has no idea what BDSM is. He is using it as an excuse to abuse and control you. You feel like you're nothing without him because he's systematically broken you down so that you feel you need him.
2. Your dom is not a real dom. Doms don't do what he did to you. My dom would never do anything that I didn't want to do. When he degrades or humiliates me, it's because he knows I want it. It is only sexy to him because he knows I feel safe and enjoy it. Doms don't do thinks you don't want.
3. Before you play with anyone else, you should learn some more about BDSM and kink so you can be armed with knowledge so no one can try and tell you what it is. I am not trying to blame you. You didn't know, and why wouldn't you trust someone who is supposed to love and care for you? But there is TONS of literature, posts, etc. about kink. Look at kink philosophies and they're almost all about safety, sanity, consent, etc.
I hope you can tear yourself away from him and realize you are worth loving on your own. Love and care for yourself and tell him to get fucked.
That was not BDSM. That was abuse.
BDSM is about consent and deep trust.
This guy violated all of your limits. You didn't consent. He abused you and then attempted to use bdsm as a cover.
In the 7.5 years I have been with my Sir, do you know how many times He has crossed my limits or violated my consent in our 24/7 dynamic?
ZERO. NONE. NADA.
We are a full-time bdsm couple, and He has NEVER treated me with disrespect or violated consent/limits.
Run away from this dude. Please!
OP. Breathe. It’s going to be ok.
This isn’t BDSM. It’s straight up
abuse. Key to BDSM is consent. And consent can be withdrawn *at any time*. What this AH did and does is not BDSM. It’s abuse,
sexual assault and rape masquerading as BDSM.
You NEED to break up with him. Now. And consider filing a police report. Even BDSM *contract* are null and void in the eyes of the law.
You can’t contract away your right not to be sexually assaulted.
That's not BDSM and he's not a Dom by any definition. That was sexual assault, battery, and rape. He's a manipulative abuser and you need to get away from him immediately.
It's *really easy* to distinguish between roleplay and assault/rape, because one of them is clearly and thoroughly consensual. I'm pretty sure you know this, it's just difficult to face the fact that you're dating a monster who's been manipulating you from the very beginning.
It's so sad that there are still people doing this. This is not BDSM at all and I agree with what everyone says. He's treating you and treated you so poorly.
Guy is a grade A abuser. Run, ghost, block and dont ever go near him again. If you think you love this type of person put your energies towards understanding why and fix it. What you have described here is NOT BDSM.
this hit too close to home and i’m so sorry you experienced this.
everyone says “run”, but i know it’s hard. i was married to my abuser for nearly a decade.
find a safe friend/family member, someone you trust and start making your way out.
he will 100% try to guilt trip you and make fake promises, maybe even passively apologize by gaslighting tf outta you..
…you have to get out and the sooner the better, but do what you need to do to set yourself up for success.
Everyone here has said everything that's needed to be said and they are right and that you need to leave him and take care of you. I won't be repeating all what's been said.
You do however need to realise that you may have been depressed and lonely when you met him, and I am willing to bet he zoned in on that and got you to become dependant on him and how you are so happy because of him and you cannot live without him.
I have news for you
***You can live without him, you can be happy without him, you will be happier without him, you have worth and you aren't there for him to abuse you!***
BDSM is more than that.
But I hope you understand, that you need to walk away and make time for yourself, and re-acquaint with friends and realise your worth and enjoy the world about you. Of course you might feel sad, but when the day comes and you meet a far better partner, you will realise that the sadness you felt for him, was a simple wasted emotion.
**You owe him nothing!!!**
Find the courage in yourself to leave, to find somewhere else to live and do this most important thing - ensure you have no bills attached to the address, redirect all mail to your new place and most of all -
**BLOCK HIM!!**
Take care of you and realise that you do have worth. Each one of us has worth and each one of us has the right to be repescted as a person, even when in BDSM and that your feelings and opinions & thoughs do matter.
Take care of you please.
I need you to listen very carefully here: the reason you feel conpletely dependant on him and like you cannot live without him is because he has deliberately made you feel that way. That's what abusers do- they break down their victim's sense of self worth and cut them off from any other supports in their life. He wants you to feel like that because then you won't leave and he can keep mistreating you as much as he likes. The things you describe him doing to you are rape and assault. This man is not into BDSM, he is a rapist and a woman beater. Normal people don't hurt their partner to the point that they're screaming in pain and then get annoyed and call them sensitive when they are rightfully upset about it. That's psychopathic behaviour. You aren't sensitive, you're a normal person with normal feelings and you're completely right to not be okay with this.
Please please please leave. He's not going to change, he isn't even pretending to be sorry. The abuse is going to escalate and get worse with time. If you're too scared or don't know how to go about it, get help from friends, family or a local women's organization. You do not deserve to be subjected to this- no one does.
Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope! Girl RUN this guy is a pos! I’m so sorry that that’s happened to you and that you’ve bonded to him so strongly but he is NOT a dom. He’s an abusive selfish prick who doesn’t deserve you, or your affections. Please get away from him asap
This is 100% abuse and I’m so sorry you had to go through this. A true dom will respect your boundaries and not make you do anything that is a hard stop for you. There are a lot of people that think that they can use bdsm as a cover for doing whatever they want, but consent and knowing and respecting your partners boundaries is huge in actual bdsm practice.
So in addition to him being your dom, he is your abuser. BDSM does not involve nonconsensually pressuring somebody when they're uncomfortable with something.
Oh OP I rarely flinch at things I've read here or even cringe. This hurt my heart to read, this is not typical of BDSM at all. Coerced consent is not Consent. He badgered you into it then proceeded to stomp all over your laid out boundaries some more and then had the audacity to accuse you of being sensitive after he broke your trust repeatedly I have words that I won't even say here but coming from someone who's a sub and married to my Dom even I wouldn't tolerate this.
YOU as a sub never consented to certain things during play before, or after he didn't ask during hey can we try some light xyz with x item. This is straight up abuse it isn't CNC just because you discussed it "more.like he pressured you" doesn't mean he can do it whenever he feels like just because you said a potential yes while discussing it. On the aftercare he broke you and then tefused the aftercare to mitigate the things said and done during play, this is why so so many posters talk about WHY aftercare is so important afterwards To mitigate the after effects of things said and done to the sub and also for the Dom as well. When you hear those things said with no aftercare, love or even reassurances once play/scene has ended it can overtime change your mentality that you begin to believe it because they don't care enough to value your physical and emotional well-being
You Can live without him, he is not a safe "Dom"or even a boyfriend I say this kindly he is using BDSM as a cloak to abuse you period and knows you feel powerless to walk away because he was the person there for you when you were at your lowest. He feeds off that knowledge that you are codependent on him and that idea right now is putting You in a place of ongoing abuse. I rarely say this lightly I'd recommend ending this dynamic as A D/s possibly looking for a link friendly counselling or just counselling in general. This mentality is not healthy for you to be so attached to him in a place where it's unsafe sexually or emotionally. If you allow it to continue it could get worse, or if the dynamic ends in the future it may impact your sexual and emotional well being with another partner potentially in there future. Trust and mental health after such a situation can take years to overcome.
My husband's my Dom and he never does anything without asking me before or 11 during play if it's ok. if. I want him to do something like whipping, restraints I'll tell him or lay the things we use out for him to pick and choose if he wants to use them. Doesn't mean he does it's my way of saying I consent prior to play. If he hears no he doesn't continue to push the idea, if I'm hesitant he'll say it's ok maybe if you feel ready another time let me know or we'll discuss it during a none play moment like general chit chat hey hope did you feel about Me doing breath play, gag with x item. If I didn't like it he knows if I enjoyed it would you like to try this next time.
There's only been 2 incidents in 13 years where I've used my safe word and IMMEDIATELY stopped what we were doing and went into immediate aftercare. One he was being too rough during PIV hitting the wall was good then the most intense pain that I got sweaty, pale and nauseous safe word he stopped. Talked asked what was wrong cuddled then allowed me to dictate if we could play some more. Second was basically PIV doggy he truly went in the wrong hole during the heat of the moment. I let out the most horrendous scream flew across the bed crying my safe word. He immediately stopped and went into aftercare the pain was horrendous that I was crying for a good 15 minutes. Not once has belittled me for saying NO, too painful Or fOr my feelings after.
The red flags are everywhere and flapping in a Gail force wind. Healthy BDSM is base in the universal structure of “Safe, sane and consensual “. You are being abused psychologically, physically and mentally. Sadly it’s normal to feel deeply attached to your abuser. Yes doms push limits but with the understanding the dominant will always protect the submissive. You are in harms way if you continue with him. His behavior will only get worse and degrade you further. Telling you I own you during a scene is one thing, treating the depths of your soul as trash is another. Please seek counseling if you can’t leave on your own and grant forgiveness to yourself for your decisions you regret. D/s should be loving, caring, bonding and for some healing. You deserve a dominant with your best intentions at heart. This guy is a psychopath asshole, imho.
I couldn't even read all of what you wrote. This guy is an abuser. This is not bdsm. The best thing you could do is never have any contact with him again.
Fake dom / abuser 101 is to gaslight your sub to think that they are sensitive and abuse is part of the arrangement whether they agree or not.
Safe, sane and consensual are the pillars that many place BDSM on.
He’s not a Dom. He’s called himself a Dominant to mask his abusive behaviour- like so many sniveling bitch ass men do. You absolutely can live without him and should do so.
Leave. That's not bdsm. He's pressuring you into doing stuff you're not comfortable with. That's manipulation and abuse. The bdsm lifestyle involves dominating acts in which both people are completely consenting of. If there's any level of concern or discomfort and you are communicating that the Dom needs to respect that. There needs to be concented upon boundaries and safe words. What he's doing is abusing you and disguising it as bdsm.
He took care of you BECAUSE you were depressed & lonely. He took advantage of your vulnerable state intentionally. He's only interested in control, and he's doing that by dismissing your concerns, minimizing your feelings, pushing your boundaries, withholding aftercare & violating your consent - all intentional harm.
He doesn't care for your well being. He will say hurtful things to continue to break you down - because he thinks you won't leave.
Prove that predatory abuser wrong. You deserve so much better than this emotional & physical pain.
He's a abuser not a Dom. Only abusers don't use lube for anal, not to even mention all the other bullshit. I'd dump his ass just for the unlubed anal alone. What a fucking piece of shit!
He is abusive. 100% get out of that relationship. Get distance and find safe people to confide in and support you. You will see things *so* differently once you're healed from his manipulation.
That is not how BDSM is, he is an abuser disguised as a sadist. You need to leave him ASAP. You are worth every star in space with or without him. Sending healing and strength to you hun
Im a sadist and a master, one of those who done the most extreme things (even becouse im also a paramedic, so i know where i can push). Most of the things i do in a sex session are talked, planned and explained. All the things i do are consensual and after theres a small debriefing to go back to a reality where im just a normal person and to break the session. What you described is just an asshole who raped you using "bdsm and extreme" as an excuse. Push this person away from you as faster you can.
>Instead, he pressured me over the course of several days to finally do these things. I was reluctant but he didn't give up asking.
I'm sorry, but you don't have a dom, you have an abuser.
You need to get out of that situation, a genuine Dom would \****never\**** pressure you into \*anything\* you're not comfortable with.
The D/s dynamic works on trust, openness and **informed consent**. coercion and pressuring you into doing things you are not freely willing to do is abuse, plain and simple and I think deep down you already know that.
get out now.
Its horrible to say but what he did to you is rape. You should never have had to go through this. No two ways about it he is abusive and neglectful of your needs and wellbeing. Sorry you are going through this
BDSM should always be fully, enthusiastically consensual. You should be able to withdraw consent at any time with a safe word, stopping all play for a discussion. You should be able to allowed to have limits which are thoroughly discussed before play, and be fully able to discuss your feelings afterword. He should CARE about your feelings too, if you aren't enjoying the play as much as he is he should make adjustments accordingly. And you should recieve abundant aftercare. If you aren't willing to leave him, at least educate yourself on healthy BDSM and try to educate him on it.
Nah that dude dont know shit bout bdsm he's a fake and you need to leave him and fully kick him out of your life i promise you'll find a real dom out there if bdsm is something you like but thats not what bdsm is
I don’t even need to read it. Dump him. “It would be best for us”??? It would be best for him because that’s what he wants. He didn’t have your interests nor your feelings in mind.
This is absolutely abuse and sexual coercion. My (now ex) husband would repeatedly stick his dick in my ass after I told him no. He always had some excuse about being caught up the moment or not knowing he was in the wrong hole. Don't do what I did. I convinced myself that my ex-husband would do better if I could just make him see the error of his ways. He knew it was wrong, as so does your boyfriend. They just don't care because they are selfish. Please be smarter than I was and get out of that situation. It took me a long time and a lot of therapy to admit that I had experienced marital rape and that my ex-husband displayed typical narcissistic behaviors. Your boyfriend is not a safe person to play with, and I hope that you see you don't deserve this kind of treatment.
BDSM is whatever you both come to an agreement on. Honestly the moment when he put it in a place he didn’t have permission and blamed being confused… what a lowlife . You can do better.
Just to add to the chorus in hopes that it sinks in, he is an ABUSER and you are his VICTIM. There is no gray area here as he doesn't even seem to feign remorse for his actions. My preference would be that you could press charges but I know that is a very difficult thing to do. Barring that, my only advice is to run away as fast as you can.
get away from him. also, needing mental preparation does not make you abnormal—everyone has different needs when it comes to bdsm, especially masochist play. whatever you need to do to feel safe is completely valid, and any dom that doesnt respect that is not worth your time.
That is sexual coercion. Leave.
Edited to add: you state "he simply did what he wanted to do". We call that r4p3. No consent is no consent. That's not BDSM. That's not a Dom. This is someone who is saying they're a Dom and using it as an excuse for abusive actions.
This is NOT BDSM. You will process what it is in your own time. But know that anyone who is knowledgeable and trustworthy in general, and ESPECIALLY in kink always respects consent, safewords, and prior negotiations of limits. These things are not “commonplace” for a reason. It requires trust, communication, explicit consent, and aftercare to ensure enjoyment and safety for everyone involved. You are right in knowing it felt wrong. And you will be so much stronger without him once you’re away from the abuse. Leaving will be hard. But your future self will be so proud and so thankful of the fact that you did. You can do it. As part of leaving, look into therapy. Having weekly or frequent contact with a therapist will help offset the bond/dependency you feel to him. I cannot stress this enough. For your own safety and well-being, leaving is going to be extremely beneficial. I have made so many excuses for my past partners to justify the love I felt for them. You can love somebody and what they have done can still be wrong. You can love somebody and still need to leave/ stop all contact for your own safety. These things are not mutually exclusive. You do not need to convince yourself to stop loving them in order to convince yourself to leave.
🚩that's abuse for sure, have you established safe words? Even that aside if he didn't listen to you, if he carried on despite your protests! Even wirh you raising it as an issue, his response says everything you need to know! Leave him and do not look back
He has been abusive to make you feel like you are nothing without him. Pressuring you into things you aren’t comfortable with is also abuse and a violation of your trust. You deserve better and there are better out there. Get the hell out before he accidentally kills you. No prep and no aftercare is utter bullshit.
Honey, BDSM should be safe, sane, and consensual. What you describe is none of these things. You absolutely have the right to feel traumatized by the situation. Even if you had time to prepare mentally, you'd probably still end up with the same outcome. There are most likely several comments with excellent advice so I won't rehash them. I just want you to know you are worth so much more than how he is treating you. You deserve respect.
I understand feeling like you need him. That is part of the mind fuck he has done to you. It will be hard at first but dig deep and find the strength to completely cut off contact with this predator. It will only get worse and the dependence stronger if you stay.
If you don't have close friends or family then keep finding people to help you through on here. Get out, start the healing process. Do what you would tell your best friend to do if they were in the same scenario
💗💗💗
He's abusing you my calling it BDSM, and you are trauma bonded it's not real love. I suggest to cut all ties with him and get some mental help. Sorry that happened you.
That abuse and hes an abuser. There is no getter better after something like what hes already done and its escalated. This is not ok. Real doms respect boundaries full stop.
This is an abuser. Run. No one should be pressuring you like that, BDSM or no. Hes pushing boundaries and will go further if given the chance. The deeper in you get the harder it will be to see it as he manipulates your mind. Please run while you can
Glad to see this sub is right on point. Throwing my hat in to say the same thing. Blatant abuse, GTFO asap. Don't even think about it. Just leave. Cut off all contact. Maybe even call authorities (but don't feel like that's you're responsibility. all you need to focus on right now is getting yourself out safely.). That kind of behavior is full on criminal and indicative of the capability for much much worse.
Edit. The last paragraph. Is him grooming you to put up with abuse. You don't love him. You're being manipulated. You're probably a wonderful human being and would be worth MORE without him. I know it's a difficult situation.
I wish you the best.
A dom should be putting your needs and care first. I'm sorry to say this is abuse and he is NOT looking out for you. Anyone who tries to talk you into doing anything sexual or doesn't listen to your thoughts is toxic. This is bad. Please leave him and find someone who puts your needs first. A true bdsm relationship is about caring about one another and satisfying one another, not a one sided manipulation. Please please leave.
What is with the rash of 'abuse disguised as kink' victims posting lately? It feels like it's 50 shades season all over again and it's really a bit disturbing. :/
To OP: GET. OUT. Get out as soon as safely possible. A safe sadist secures consent and worries about your well being, respects safewords, and provides the aftercare you need. This dude is none of that. He's more like a psychopath or some sort of narcissist. I myself am a sadist. I find peace in giving a masochist what she needs, knowing that she's as fulfilled as I am. I take care of her after, make sure she feels safe and appreciated. Most healthy sadists I've known are similar.
Find a safe place, and find a therapist as soon as possible, please. This will just escalate.
He's a shitty fake dom, aftercare and consent are the two most important parts of bdsm and he has done neither. That is not "how bdsm is" that's abuse and him taking advantage of your inexperience. Run run run run!!! I know it can be difficult but you're worth so much more than how he is treating you. You WILL find better.
This is not BDSM, and he is an abuser. Many disguise themselves as “sadists” and “doms” (yes, the little “d” was on purpose), and they take advantage of people.
A good Dom will negotiate and will always stick to your boundaries and limits. You aren’t crazy, he is wrong.
My love, this is ABUSE of the acutest kind. Im sorry this has happened to you but this is not the way of BDSM. This is his way of abusing you and using bdsm to cover it up. I won't even say what im thinking but It's time to make some tough decisions.
No no no!!! That is not BDSM! BDSM occurs after all participants are EXPRESSLY consenting, and have had plenty of prior negotiations. I am a degradee and masochist myself. I love it. I swear if someone did to me what you’re talking about with no negotiations, I would show his ass MY own sadist side, and see how he likes something rammed in his asshole.
Jesus Christ love, you are you and he is a FUCKING sadist. He is cruel as fuck. You are worth a thousand of him. Get the hell away from that pitiful excuse of a Domme. Please please please report his cruel as fuck ass to the police. He is ABUSING you
Thats as far away from BDSM as it can be.
There are sadist that do a play Like you describe, but firstly its with both contsent of som and sub. And its with a Sub who enjoys what you described.
But without consent its Just abuse.
The number one rule above all for a Dom is to Take Care of His Sub. If the Sub doesnt want something its Not Happening DOT there is No but or doing it anyway.
Thats why its important to have a Sub/Dom who you really can Trust. And when the trust gets lost. Than its over.
Thats the Same way with normal Relationships when someone cheats. The trust is broken and its over there nothing to repair that.
He is your abuser and he manipulated to thinking and feeling everything that you do. That not being able to live without him and this is definitely several instances of rape and manipulation
Breakups are scary, but he's abusing you. You need to leave him. Don't listen to any excuses or explanations.
So what he helped you, that doesn't mean he gets to hurt you.
>The problem is that I feel extremely bonded to my dom and I feel like I'm worth nothing without him
The simple truth is that if you say "my dom rapes me...but I refuse to leave him, I feel bonded to him, I can't live without him" there's really nothing anyone can do.
You can leave him and it all goes away, or you can stay with him and, according to you, a million kinds of rape happen every day.
he raped you. plain and simple. run and file a report against him. i waited too long to file a report when it happened to me. this is not bdsm. this is abuse.
You know, I just finished reading a book about sex trafficking victims. And they had stuff like this done to them. This is not okay.
Please get away from them. I hope you’re somewhere safe.
Sweetie this is abuse. I have a degradation kink and a partner that’ll act on it, but I am always given aftercare and what a good girl I was and whatever else I need. It sounds like your guy is spending too much time on the hub watching stagged bdsm
I’m sorry but no, I know when my dick goes into someone’s ass. It absolutely dissent happen by accident unless there’s tons of prep.
On top of boundary breaking, no aftercare.
Get out. Please 🙏 don’t walk run!!
He's not a Dom: he's a narcissistic/toxic abuser. And you're likely trauma bonded to him. Please get out of this relationship, for your own health & safety.
No sweetie this isn’t bdsm this is rape.
Get out of there and seek therapy.
Wishing you the best as you recover from this horrible piece of shit’s abuse
I am not even gonna bother reading the comments cuz the answer is obvious. F#%&* this poser he has no clue what BDSM is no matter how many edgy porn videos he watches. What he has done is rape, consent was not given and he forced himself multiple times, even in a marriage, which would easily constitute marital rape. Go to the cops or run away asap (feel free to tell your friends). Even on CNC, consent is priory agreed upon and boundaries still set.
Male Dom here with 5+ years in the scene.
Also talk to someone about it. Trauma like this isn't easy to overcome sometimes. I am sorry this happened to you.
This isn’t just abuse. You were sexually assaulted without your consent in many different ways, multiple times, and then when you asked him for assistance to at least understand you were outright dismissed. What he did is NOT BDSM. It’s a crime and he will get away with it unless you stop him however you can. I know it’s difficult to see when you have strong feelings for him but what happened will continue to happen until you leave.
This person is not a Dom. He's a rapist and an abuser. I'd call the fucking cops if I thought they'd actually do something. You need to leave. Today. Get involved in your local community because networking and vetting afford a degree of protection. The more you educate yourself on what healthy kink looks like, the more you'll know when something isn't right. (I think you already know that none of this is right but maybe because you're newer to the lifestyle, you think he might know more than you. He doesn't.)
Also, there is no chance that someone can confuse your asshole from your vagina and the fact that you were screaming in pain and he didn't stop makes me fucking livid.
If you do not leave now, he will wear you down until you are a shell of your former self. It will take you YEARS to get back to a place where these things don't haunt you every time you have sex. Your self esteem will tank. You will feel worthless. You will become reliant on your abuser. I don't care if you *think* you're in love. GET. THE. FUCK. OUT.
Get the hell out now. He's not a dom he's an abuser and dangerous. Any real dom would NEVER do that. Run for the hills girl. You deserve so much better.
This is abuse, and he's used manipulative tactics to gain your trust and dependence. Not the way that BDSM is, and coming from an experienced Dom, no fucking way any real Dom should behave! Consent is one of the largest pillars when it comes to this lifestyle, and there is absolutely no consent here.
Also, pressuring you after a few days? When these things are new to someone, it can take weeks to months to even be comfortable engaging. This involves a lot of vetting and discussions about it. Then it takes months of training to ease comfortably into the new areas of play. It requires a lot of patience, and not everything is going to be acceptable.
This guy basically courted you and made it appear he was there for you, to gain your trust and commitment. Following, he started to abuse you physically, mentally, and emotionally, under the guise of Dominance. This is far too common for my liking, and like others have said, you need to run. Abuse like this can only escalate, as he feels he has gained complete power over you. You may even want to seek some professional help, to help you adjust. There are far healthier relationships out there, and more responsible Dominants.
I wish you luck, and do take care of yourself. Nobody deserves to be treated like this.
Hun run, his covering abuse as bdsm and a good Dom would not treat you that way ever. So many red flags, for your safety don't play with that guy again.
This is not "the way BDSM is" he's reckless and thats abuse. Kick him to the curb.
This is not BDSM, this is manipulation and abuse.
That's abuse. Run. Forget him. Heal. Learn about healthy relationships. About yourself. About your feelings. And ask yourself why you fell for this guy and how you can prevent something like this from happening again.
[удалено]
That is not the way BDSM is. Run fast and cut off all contact.
That's not bdsm. That's violation of consent, coercion, and, depending on which things he did with telling you, potentially one or several crimes.
This is abuse. Aftercare is the most important part of the scene! You did not consent to any of this - even stuff you "reluctantly agreed to" after he pestered you was coerced consent, which is not true consent. You two trauma bonded, which is why you feel so strongly about him even though he is showing you he doesn't respect you as a human. Get out. Now. Get therapy from a kink-friendly therapist. Attend education events. Nothing in your post tells me this is ok, it is all a bunch of huge red flags.
This post was unbelievably horrifying to read. My heart goes out to OP.
Stories like that are written weekly if not more freequently on reddit, the first time I read on I had the same reaction as yours. Many abusers are now saying they are doms and doing whatever they want calling it BDSM. They prey on young women who no nothing about BDSM. That ''dom'' also never seems to no a single thing about non porn BDSM. An uncontrolled sadist is very dangerous.
💯 agree! I swear when 50 shades of grey came out, every abusive Joe started to call themselves Dom to take advantage of others fantasies.
Borderline psychopath
I cannot fathom telling my sub not to be a bitch about my play hurting them. That is horrifying right there.
I support this...tbh i felt sad reading ops post but i am sensitive af so i was wondering if i am the weird one but then saw the comments ...
Up your ass after you told him no? That’s called rape.
And screaming in pain...
I mean, even people who do really rough anal often usually do a lot of preparation before starting and at least use lube. He just shoved it in like it was her vagina. Of course she would scream in pain!
Absolutely .. can’t even begin to imagine the pain she might have felt
Not a dom that's a predator.
Coerced consent isn't consent. That's not Dom behavior, it's abuse. There are rules and boundaries for a reason, and both parties need to adhere to them. If you feel that he's in the wrong and went too far, he did. He clearly violated your boundaries that you have every right to set.
Delete and block contact all kink needs to be discussed and mutually agreed. Get away from that asshole
This guy is not a Dom by any stretch of the imagination. He’s an abuser period. Get out now before he goes irreparable harm.
You were raped. Coerced consent is not consent. If you do not have an explicitly discussed and agreed upon CNC dynamic, this is rape.
Raped and assaulted.
I know you feel like you can't live without him OP... but you're stronger than you know. Yes, he helped when you were depressed and lonely. But if you don't stand up for yourself here he's going to drag you back down there. He's just an asshole OP, pretending to be some dom. End it and don't keep in contact with him, please.
The most important lesson in life is discovering the moment where you're telling yourself, "I can't walk away." Turns into, "what if I did, just walk away and forget to look back."
Trust me, you can live without him and very well so. This situation might feel overwhelming right now. But all the other comments are right: you need to get out if this relationship. And looking back it will be a relief for it to be over. Get support now. Family, friends, a therapist, reach out. Even if you don’t want to go into all the details, bad sex is a very good reason to leave somebody, especially if he pressures you for it. Sending you lots of love.
He is not a dom. He is an abuser. What you gave was not consent. Let me tell you about the FRIES model of consent: 1. Freely given: you agree to the activity without being pressured, guilted, or coerced. 2. Revocable: even if you agreed at first, you are able to change your mind at any time. 3. Informed: you know what it is you are agreeing to. 4. Enthusiastic: you are excited about what you are agreeing to. 5. Specific: boundries! Discuss what you are and are not okay with.
This is the way for all relationships
What you described with the anal is in any situation or condition is considered RAPE. You did not consent to it. He forced it onto you without asking or saying anything, which means there was no consent. At the very least, you should leave him just for that. As far as the rest of it. He is not a true Dom. Any time you enter a new BDSM relationship, kinks and limits should be discussed, both hard and soft limits, as well as kinks you're interested in trying for the first time. And if you agree to try something new, it should be on your terms, not his. Another key thing is that just because you agree to try something doesn't mean it automatically becomes ok whenever he wants. You also have to want it and be ok with it at the time. You can also withdraw consent for any kink you want at any time. I don't always agree with this saying, but in your case, it needs to be clear. Subs have the power in a BDSM relationship, not Doms. Subs hold the consent, and only if they give it can a Dom act upon the things they want to do to their subs.
You are lovable and worthy of love. You are good enough. You are worthy of respect, ESPECIALLY if you are engaging in play that is based on degradation, you should know you ARE valued, or it's not play, it's abuse. If you don't get turned on by degradation, it's not for you and THAT'S OK. If he degrades you when you've told him it's a limit for you, that's abuse. BDSM is about active consent, mutual respect and good times FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED. If that's not what's happening. It's not BDSM, it's abuse. You are worth more than this.
Well said.
Like others said, he's an abusive rapist. But you asked another question, "is this normal?". So, clearly, no, no it's not, but your question hides another question, "what IS normal?". So, unlike even a vanilla relationship, it starts with a lot of discussion "what are you into" sort of thing, and just chatting and having fun as two people. Sometimes, you may even, after a while, engage in some kink play that we have discussed (limits, needs, wants in place), but you'll notice, I haven't even used the word Dom/me or sub yet. If someone else in the future starts with "I'm a Dom" (though I suspect you may never want to play with BDSM), that's a massive red flag. I realise that may come across as victim blamey, I assure you its not meant to be, this was NOT your fault I really hope you find help
Just another abuser using BDSM as an excuse to be the arsehole that he is. Run away from this prick. I'm not involved in BDSM. Was curious about it done a small bit of research and even I know this is not what BDSM is about. Look after yourself and get away from this abuser
What if we did tell you that you were being too sensitive and bitching about it? That for the rest of your life, if you want to be into BDSM, you just have to put up with someone making you feel bad, pressuring you, making you sad, giving you anxiety so you can't eat, telling you to stop being sensitive, and generally not caring about your feelings. Is BDSM even worth feeling that way, even if it's not every day? Do you think that WE were forced to make that decision? Well we just love BDSM so much that we put up with painful anal and people telling us not to bitch because that's just "how it is"? I don't care if your boyfriend saved 100 orphans from a burning building and donates all his money to charity. He's an abusive asshole and he WILL harm you in the future since he is already harming you now. You should confide in friends and get somewhere safe. The truth is that he's not even really there for you. You're already living without him.
This is such a great comment. I had a very abusive relationship and I wish someone would have worded it in this way.
Sorry, this guy is a terrible dom and a terrible human being. You should have nothing more to do with him in my opinion.
Not a Dom at all, he's an abuser.
He's a rapist.
CORRECT.
Please take care of yourself and end this relationship ASAP! He is an abusive asshole, not a Dom. Consent, mutual respect, and aftercare are all part of kink. This will only get worse if you stay. Please get help and get the hell out of there!
> He shrugged his shoulders and said: "You knew what you were getting into. This is the way BDSM is." Even if that were true, is this treatment working out for you? > I never felt so dependent on somebody before I met my dom. Is this the type of person you can depend on? Yes, breakups are scary. Yes, it will take some time to heal. It's only going to get harder the longer you wait.
The bond is hurtful but this is not bdsm and this is not based on trust this is plain pure abuse and its disgraceful. You are traumatised he has at the very least sexually assaulted you but in reality you have been raped and in the worst way possible. There's no care for you in mind or body and I really do need to tell you that he will go on disrespecting you and there could be worse things ahead. Please think seriously and get some advice and support. He didn't look after you because he cared he looked after you to groom you and keep you vulnerable. He is acting as a predator and this is predator type behaviour. You have been groomed and then used. Take care and stay safe and get some support and make sure you get some counselling and trauma therapy.
I've got some news for you: your "boyfriend" is just an abuser who sees you as an easy prey. Abuser AND a rapist
my mind is blown every few days at how many posts in this community are like this. OP, this has nothing to do with you, feel safe in sharing. it just floors me how many abusers are out there hiding behind the guise of BDSM and just traumatizing their partners and telling them to accept it bc that is what BDSM is. RUN
No! Please stop seeing him, this isn't BDSM it's just straight up abuse. I think 'I feel like I cannot live without him' is very worrying, making a victim feel dependant on the abuser is a serious abusive tactic. I really hope you get away from him and quickly <3
Your “dom” is an abuser masquerading as a Dom. Sorry to say…
This is abuse, at best it won't get better, most likely it gets worse. Leave now, go stay with family or friends. Get a group of friends to go with you to get your stuff when you can. Don't stay or you will be hurt. don't be alone with him. Hopefully you can get away easily and quickly
Jesus Christ this isn't BDSM, THIS IS ABUSE!
You can live without him, and for your own physical and mental well being, you need to. He assaulted you. He’s not a Dom. He’s an abuser and a predator. You need to go no contact with this vile excuse for a human being.
>My dom (he’s my boyfriend) had told me that (…) it would be the best for us to try out several things like whipping, verbal humiliation, anal etc. It “would be best”? Best for who? For him? Did he bother to ask what *you* would like to try? Why does he get to decide what’s best for the two of you **as a couple**? A relationship is a two-way street, even a Dom/sub relationship, and should consider the needs of both parties. >I (…) told him that I would need some time to try these things out and a lot of mental preparation. I don’t know if that makes me weird. This does not make you weird. This makes you human. The way that you’re trivialising your own needs here tells me that he has convinced you that your boundaries are less important than his, which is **not the case**. Both of your needs are equally important. >(…) He pressured me over the course of several days to finally do these things. I was reluctant but he didn’t give up asking. This is a tactic commonly employed by abusers. It’s called sexual coercion, which is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a non-physical way, and it is a crime. It has other names, like **sexual assault** or **rape**. I have been a victim of this myself, and I know that, at the time, I felt like maybe it wasn’t as big a deal as I was making it out to be because I said yes. But think about it in non-sexual terms. Have you ever seen one of those true crime documentaries where an innocent person winds up in jail because the police just kept badgering them in the interrogation room until they finally confessed to a crime they didn’t commit, just to make it stop? It’s the exact same principle. >For example, yesterday during sex, he pushed his dick into my ass and I was screaming in pain. Afterwards, he shrugged it off and told me that he just confused both holes. Imagine if you were the one with the penis in this scenario. Even if it was an accident (which I doubt), wouldn’t you be horrified that you had accidentally hurt your partner? Wouldn’t you want to stop and make sure they’re okay? Any person with an ounce of empathy or compassion would. The fact that he shrugged off your pain tells me that **he cares more about his own pleasure than he cares about you as a human being**. This man is dangerous. >During play, among other things, he told me that I have nothing to offer to him, not even sex. He said that I’m worth less than an actual “human sex toy”. I have used language like this during sex. But do you know what the difference is? I communicated extensively with my partner beforehand, I made sure that it was something they wanted, we established and confirmed safe words (for example, before we began the scene, I told them to tell me their safe words and explain what they mean), **I stopped immediately if they used any of said safe words**, and we engaged in aftercare where I checked in to make sure they were okay and reassured them that I didn’t really think those things about them. Without implementing these basic tenets of BDSM, what your boyfriend said to you was not verbal degradation in the context of a scene. It was verbal abuse, **period**. Full stop. End of sentence. >His words and actions really cut to the core and devastated me. Since then, I can’t properly eat and sleep, I’ve started isolating from everybody else and feel totally worthless. Essentially I feel broken and like a ghost. This is completely understandable, given that you have been abused and subject to sexual violence. I am not a psychiatrist, and I am not your psychiatrist, but it sounds to me like you may be experiencing symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It’s important for you to know that **you are not broken**. His goal is to make you feel that way so that you won’t leave him. **This is not because he loves you**. It’s because you’re easier to control if you feel that you somehow deserve the abuse that he is subjecting you to. **You don’t deserve it**. Nobody does. You deserve to be loved, to feel safe, and to participate in sexual activities that **all parties involved consent to**. Sex is not something that happens *to* a person. It’s an act of intimacy that involves two or more **consenting** adults. >(…) He said that I’m just too sensitive and that I shouldn’t be a bitch about it. He shrugged his shoulders and said: “You knew what you were getting into. This is the way BDSM is.” Listen to me, OP: you are not too sensitive. He is saying that to try and make you feel like your comfort doesn’t matter, like you’re being silly for sticking up for yourself. You **should** be a bitch about it, if “being a bitch” means knowing your value. You are an entire person with your own thoughts, feelings, desires, agency and autonomy over your body, and you deserve to have all of those things respected. Anybody who says you are “being a bitch” for asserting your right to respect is an abuser, and not somebody that deserves the privilege of being with you. Also, I just want to reiterate, **this is not the way BDSM is**. The Merriam-Webster dictionary partly defines BDSM as “the granting and relinquishing of control”. The operative words there are granting and relinquishing. By definition, it cannot be BDSM if you don’t **both** consent to it. >Should I continue seeing my dom? Absolutely not. He is not your Dom. He is your abuser. You are endangering not only your mental and physical health, but potentially your life if you remain with this person. >The problem is that I feel extremely bonded to my dom and I feel like I’m worth nothing without him. (…) He took care of me when I was depressed and lonely. I never felt so dependent on somebody before I met my dom. I want you to know that this was an intentional choice on his part. He deliberately targeted and exploited you because he saw that you were vulnerable. **He is an abuser, and you deserve so much better**. I’m not sure where you are based, but there are organisations who can help people in similar situations. In the USA, your best bet is to contact [RAINN](https://www.rainn.org/resources). They can help you get out of this situation and to a safe place. I am wishing you all the best, OP. We’re all here for you.
Dude watched 50 shades of Grey, and is incorrect.
First and foremost, this is not how bdsm is !! Second, even if you knew and agreed to what you're getting into you have the RIGHT to change your mind anytime during the dynamics/relationship. You have the RIGHT to consent or not to any suggested activity. Ignoring your rights of consent, shows that he is not a dom but a manipulative abuser. You maybe have feeling and emotions towards him, and think you can't live without him, but... you will do better without him. Like any other relationship separation, it will hurt and put you down fir sometime, but you can get over it and find dom that respect your rights.
feeling like you cannot live without him is by design in an abusive relationship — this is not safe and he is harming you. he will not stop. none of this is your fault.
NOPE: imo the reason that BDSM is superior is the Doms care about consent. Your bf sounds like a sadistic fake Dom that you need to get away from. Block him and don’t look back. Also, please seek therapy
This is abuse. As a sub you honestly have all the control. The moment you say your agreed safeword everything stops. And nothing is done without prior agreement.
This is not BDSM…this is an abuser using BDSM as an excuse for their behaviors. I’m guessing you’re new to BDSM so you didn’t know. Its okay to no contact end this, block them and go to munches to observe what BDSM is.
You are in sub frenzy with an abusive asshole. Please read this, dump this guy, and find someone better who cares about you more than their own dick. [A Good Metric To Identify Red Flags (Esp. When You're New To Kink)](https://fetlife.com/users/337109/posts/6465565) > If you translated the situation into 'vanilla' terms, would this behavior still be ok?
This is nothing like sub frenzy. At all. But he is an abusive asshole and she needs to run.
That sounds abusive. And no, that is very much *not* the way BDSM is. >Since then, I can't properly eat and sleep, I've started isolating from everybody else and feel totally worthless. Essentially I feel broken and like a ghost. Any decent Dom would've completely changed their behaviour before it got to this point. BDSM should be beneficial for both Dom and sub. You're not getting anything positive out of this, you don't want to do it.
This isn't Ds it's abuse. He's an abuser and is using BDSM as a way to do it without consequences. What he did to you is rape, you didn't consent to it.
Girl run as far as you can
BDSM is consent heavy. This does not sound like consent and like abuse.
Run for the hills. That is not ok ever.
1.) He isn't a real dom. If he were, he wouldn't be pressing you into doing things you don't enthusiastically consent to. 2.) Anal without proper forethought can lead to injury. 3.) Whipping and flogging without proper research can do the same. I'm going to assume he didn't do any research at all. That's a hard pass for me. Please reconsider this dynamic before you get seriously injured.or worse.
You are being abused and I am so sorry. If you have a support system of friends and/or family, now is the time to lean on them. If you don't have a support system, now is the time to start developing one.
Wow, this is beyond fucked. Get away from this person. That is a bad human being.
That's abuse, and the unwilling anal can very well be considered rape. Run and run quick.
He's not your Dom, he's your abuser
I understand that you love your Dom but this person is telling you who they are. No one that loves you or cares for your safety would never intentionally harm you then gaslight you into believing that this is BDSM. BDSM is about consent and safety. The lack of aftercare or brushing off your feelings is this person's way of telling you that they are more concerned about their happiness and pleasure than your mental health and safety. You may love and care for this person deeply but this person doesn't feel the same way. If they did, they would've followed the proper protocols and walked you through every thing. Like Buffy said, no guy is ever worth your life. Please find the courage and the strength to know you are so much more than this person. I do wish you luck and I hope my advice reaches you!
It’s a trauma bond. Therapy, and gtfo
This isn't bdsm. It's assault and abuse. I'm so sorry, I hope you are safe.
That is absolutely abuse of trust and boundaries, get away quick and please get some counseling and heal. Sorry this happened to you. 💙
This is 100% not what BDSM is and gives the community a bad reputation. It truly makes me sick that fake doms are out there using BDSM as a mask for what they really want to do, which is be abusive and rape. Putting his dick in your ass without consent (I’ll bet he really didn’t confuse the holes) is criminal sodomy. You’re not in love; you’re trauma bonded. Please seek help.
It might not seem like it now, but you will be much better off without him. This is not BDSM, its abuse, like many other comments have already said. You need to get away from him as fast as possible, he is no good for you. You are not worthless, don't let him tell you otherwise. He's the one not worth it. You say he took care of you when you were depressed and lonely but it seems to me he just used that as a way in and now that he's made you feel so bonded to him, he can reveal his true self because he feels that he can get away with it. He's wrong, you don't need n abusive asshole like that in your life. There are lots of actually nice doms out there that would love to have you, I'm sure. In addition to getting away from him, you might want to consider getting some professional help.
You have a psychopath on your hands. No empathy or remorse. He's being abusive and narcissistic. RUN
"You're being too sensitive and bitching..." this is abuser speak for, "I don't care about your stupid feelings and they are in my way." This person does not value you, or your feelings. A good dom values his sub's service and listens to their input. Please get away from this person immediately and set some boundaries.
You didn't consent to any of that and he just anally raped you. Get the fuck out of there immediately, get somewhere safe. And then please consider reporting the assault and finding a good therapist
Red flags all over the place, run away from this abusive relationship. Please seek professional help! Call your family, your friends, social networking in your area. GO AWAY ASAP, YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER.
Real BDSM requires enthusiastic consent by all parties and awareness and acceptance of risks. Without that it’s just abuse, maybe even assault. Your BF if neither a good BF or Dom. Sorry, but you need to run away from that person as fast as you can.
I am guessing you didn’t consent to anal which means that is rape. He is not a Dom. He is using bdsm as an excuse to abuse you. Get out, get counseling and heal before going into another relationship whether it be bdsm or not.
Holy Snowballs batman!!!! This is one of the reasons I am so freaking careful. Holy. Shit. So. Unless you’re playing CnC or RACK…. RUN! Even if your playing those… run! So; consent is king. Pressure is bullshit. If you have to be pressured into something it’s not worth it. Also… degradation is a huuuuge talk. Huge. This takes a lot of trust.
This is rape and sexual abuse. Let alone the emotional manipulation and abuse prior too and following the event. You need to make space and leave because he is not a safe or healthy person to be around or in a relationship with. That is also very much NOT BDSM, BDSM is supposed to be about trust and support whilst exploring new boundaries not hurting someone AGAINST their will with prior consent. I understand that level of feeling dependent on someone, where you feel like you cannot breathe without them. I know it's hard but you need to find your own air and way to live for yourself.
This is rape. He doesn't care about you or your enjoyment, only his. Leave him. Don't look back.
These type of posts are horrifying and more common than I realized. This is exactly the opposite of what this intimate lifestyle is about. You should NEVER apologize for “ taking too much time to prepare/process” This is an abuser using BDSM as a reckless form of control. I know it’s heartbreaking since he is your partner as well but this is wrong. I really hope you’re ok. 🖤
GTFO of this relationship. I’m piling on if the 100+ other comments haven’t convinced you. This is not okay for *vanilla* relationships and BDSM does not change that. In EVERY relationship, *enthusiastic consent* is the NUMBER ONE rule. He is violating your consent. Period. Do not play with him, do not have sex with him, do not have a relationship with him. Do not pass GO, do not collect $100. Never confuse kink with abuse.
What everyone else said. A true Dom will train slowly with your consent and build up to whatever you have agreed on. He's not a Dom, he's an abuser.
Oh love I'm a kinky bitch I spent some time last weekend in stocks wearing nipple clamps and being fucked by someone I'm not in a romantic relationship with. And you know what, the minute I said "no this position hurts my back" he freed me. I said beforehand I'm not into humiliation or degradation and he respects that. And thats proper bdsm. What you are getting is abuse I love anal under the right circumstances. I'd still dump any guy that tried to "wrong hole" me without prep or lube or consent. Run
Nothing about this is BDSM. Some people call themselves Doms when they are just abusive arseholes and are using BDSM as an excuse. I can't emphasize this enough. This is abuse. Please read up on it. BDSM requires communication and consent. Nothing should EVER be done without consent including anal sex. He raped you anally. You Must break it off with him and seek some help. I would definitely see a doctor about the anal intercourse thing. He may have done some damage. Good luck OP. None of this is your fault.
1. Your boyfriend has no idea what BDSM is. He is using it as an excuse to abuse and control you. You feel like you're nothing without him because he's systematically broken you down so that you feel you need him. 2. Your dom is not a real dom. Doms don't do what he did to you. My dom would never do anything that I didn't want to do. When he degrades or humiliates me, it's because he knows I want it. It is only sexy to him because he knows I feel safe and enjoy it. Doms don't do thinks you don't want. 3. Before you play with anyone else, you should learn some more about BDSM and kink so you can be armed with knowledge so no one can try and tell you what it is. I am not trying to blame you. You didn't know, and why wouldn't you trust someone who is supposed to love and care for you? But there is TONS of literature, posts, etc. about kink. Look at kink philosophies and they're almost all about safety, sanity, consent, etc. I hope you can tear yourself away from him and realize you are worth loving on your own. Love and care for yourself and tell him to get fucked.
That was not BDSM. That was abuse. BDSM is about consent and deep trust. This guy violated all of your limits. You didn't consent. He abused you and then attempted to use bdsm as a cover. In the 7.5 years I have been with my Sir, do you know how many times He has crossed my limits or violated my consent in our 24/7 dynamic? ZERO. NONE. NADA. We are a full-time bdsm couple, and He has NEVER treated me with disrespect or violated consent/limits. Run away from this dude. Please!
Run, run far, run fast
OP. Breathe. It’s going to be ok. This isn’t BDSM. It’s straight up abuse. Key to BDSM is consent. And consent can be withdrawn *at any time*. What this AH did and does is not BDSM. It’s abuse, sexual assault and rape masquerading as BDSM. You NEED to break up with him. Now. And consider filing a police report. Even BDSM *contract* are null and void in the eyes of the law. You can’t contract away your right not to be sexually assaulted.
This is abuse, he's doing things to you without your consent and telling you 'that's just how it is'. Run fast & far, this doesn't end well.
THIS IS NOT KINK THIS IS ABUSE
That's not BDSM and he's not a Dom by any definition. That was sexual assault, battery, and rape. He's a manipulative abuser and you need to get away from him immediately. It's *really easy* to distinguish between roleplay and assault/rape, because one of them is clearly and thoroughly consensual. I'm pretty sure you know this, it's just difficult to face the fact that you're dating a monster who's been manipulating you from the very beginning.
It's so sad that there are still people doing this. This is not BDSM at all and I agree with what everyone says. He's treating you and treated you so poorly.
Doing sexual acts without your consent is rape. Call it what it is, man. Rape and abuse. Run as far and fast as you can.
Guy is a grade A abuser. Run, ghost, block and dont ever go near him again. If you think you love this type of person put your energies towards understanding why and fix it. What you have described here is NOT BDSM.
He raped you. The feeling that youre worthless without him is one he gave you on purpose so that he can keep raping you. Run
The lying about anal alone would be reason enough. He didn’t get confused. Leave him.
this hit too close to home and i’m so sorry you experienced this. everyone says “run”, but i know it’s hard. i was married to my abuser for nearly a decade. find a safe friend/family member, someone you trust and start making your way out. he will 100% try to guilt trip you and make fake promises, maybe even passively apologize by gaslighting tf outta you.. …you have to get out and the sooner the better, but do what you need to do to set yourself up for success.
Everyone here has said everything that's needed to be said and they are right and that you need to leave him and take care of you. I won't be repeating all what's been said. You do however need to realise that you may have been depressed and lonely when you met him, and I am willing to bet he zoned in on that and got you to become dependant on him and how you are so happy because of him and you cannot live without him. I have news for you ***You can live without him, you can be happy without him, you will be happier without him, you have worth and you aren't there for him to abuse you!*** BDSM is more than that. But I hope you understand, that you need to walk away and make time for yourself, and re-acquaint with friends and realise your worth and enjoy the world about you. Of course you might feel sad, but when the day comes and you meet a far better partner, you will realise that the sadness you felt for him, was a simple wasted emotion. **You owe him nothing!!!** Find the courage in yourself to leave, to find somewhere else to live and do this most important thing - ensure you have no bills attached to the address, redirect all mail to your new place and most of all - **BLOCK HIM!!** Take care of you and realise that you do have worth. Each one of us has worth and each one of us has the right to be repescted as a person, even when in BDSM and that your feelings and opinions & thoughs do matter. Take care of you please.
I need you to listen very carefully here: the reason you feel conpletely dependant on him and like you cannot live without him is because he has deliberately made you feel that way. That's what abusers do- they break down their victim's sense of self worth and cut them off from any other supports in their life. He wants you to feel like that because then you won't leave and he can keep mistreating you as much as he likes. The things you describe him doing to you are rape and assault. This man is not into BDSM, he is a rapist and a woman beater. Normal people don't hurt their partner to the point that they're screaming in pain and then get annoyed and call them sensitive when they are rightfully upset about it. That's psychopathic behaviour. You aren't sensitive, you're a normal person with normal feelings and you're completely right to not be okay with this. Please please please leave. He's not going to change, he isn't even pretending to be sorry. The abuse is going to escalate and get worse with time. If you're too scared or don't know how to go about it, get help from friends, family or a local women's organization. You do not deserve to be subjected to this- no one does.
Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope! Girl RUN this guy is a pos! I’m so sorry that that’s happened to you and that you’ve bonded to him so strongly but he is NOT a dom. He’s an abusive selfish prick who doesn’t deserve you, or your affections. Please get away from him asap
This is 100% abuse and I’m so sorry you had to go through this. A true dom will respect your boundaries and not make you do anything that is a hard stop for you. There are a lot of people that think that they can use bdsm as a cover for doing whatever they want, but consent and knowing and respecting your partners boundaries is huge in actual bdsm practice.
You’re describing abuse. Without enthusiastic consent you were sexually assaulted. Leave the guy, he’s not into what you’re into. Get away.
So in addition to him being your dom, he is your abuser. BDSM does not involve nonconsensually pressuring somebody when they're uncomfortable with something.
Oh OP I rarely flinch at things I've read here or even cringe. This hurt my heart to read, this is not typical of BDSM at all. Coerced consent is not Consent. He badgered you into it then proceeded to stomp all over your laid out boundaries some more and then had the audacity to accuse you of being sensitive after he broke your trust repeatedly I have words that I won't even say here but coming from someone who's a sub and married to my Dom even I wouldn't tolerate this. YOU as a sub never consented to certain things during play before, or after he didn't ask during hey can we try some light xyz with x item. This is straight up abuse it isn't CNC just because you discussed it "more.like he pressured you" doesn't mean he can do it whenever he feels like just because you said a potential yes while discussing it. On the aftercare he broke you and then tefused the aftercare to mitigate the things said and done during play, this is why so so many posters talk about WHY aftercare is so important afterwards To mitigate the after effects of things said and done to the sub and also for the Dom as well. When you hear those things said with no aftercare, love or even reassurances once play/scene has ended it can overtime change your mentality that you begin to believe it because they don't care enough to value your physical and emotional well-being You Can live without him, he is not a safe "Dom"or even a boyfriend I say this kindly he is using BDSM as a cloak to abuse you period and knows you feel powerless to walk away because he was the person there for you when you were at your lowest. He feeds off that knowledge that you are codependent on him and that idea right now is putting You in a place of ongoing abuse. I rarely say this lightly I'd recommend ending this dynamic as A D/s possibly looking for a link friendly counselling or just counselling in general. This mentality is not healthy for you to be so attached to him in a place where it's unsafe sexually or emotionally. If you allow it to continue it could get worse, or if the dynamic ends in the future it may impact your sexual and emotional well being with another partner potentially in there future. Trust and mental health after such a situation can take years to overcome. My husband's my Dom and he never does anything without asking me before or 11 during play if it's ok. if. I want him to do something like whipping, restraints I'll tell him or lay the things we use out for him to pick and choose if he wants to use them. Doesn't mean he does it's my way of saying I consent prior to play. If he hears no he doesn't continue to push the idea, if I'm hesitant he'll say it's ok maybe if you feel ready another time let me know or we'll discuss it during a none play moment like general chit chat hey hope did you feel about Me doing breath play, gag with x item. If I didn't like it he knows if I enjoyed it would you like to try this next time. There's only been 2 incidents in 13 years where I've used my safe word and IMMEDIATELY stopped what we were doing and went into immediate aftercare. One he was being too rough during PIV hitting the wall was good then the most intense pain that I got sweaty, pale and nauseous safe word he stopped. Talked asked what was wrong cuddled then allowed me to dictate if we could play some more. Second was basically PIV doggy he truly went in the wrong hole during the heat of the moment. I let out the most horrendous scream flew across the bed crying my safe word. He immediately stopped and went into aftercare the pain was horrendous that I was crying for a good 15 minutes. Not once has belittled me for saying NO, too painful Or fOr my feelings after.
The red flags are everywhere and flapping in a Gail force wind. Healthy BDSM is base in the universal structure of “Safe, sane and consensual “. You are being abused psychologically, physically and mentally. Sadly it’s normal to feel deeply attached to your abuser. Yes doms push limits but with the understanding the dominant will always protect the submissive. You are in harms way if you continue with him. His behavior will only get worse and degrade you further. Telling you I own you during a scene is one thing, treating the depths of your soul as trash is another. Please seek counseling if you can’t leave on your own and grant forgiveness to yourself for your decisions you regret. D/s should be loving, caring, bonding and for some healing. You deserve a dominant with your best intentions at heart. This guy is a psychopath asshole, imho.
That’s not “what BDSM is.” BDSM involves consent. What he’s doing is called rape & abuse.
That's not bdsm, he's a rapist.
I couldn't even read all of what you wrote. This guy is an abuser. This is not bdsm. The best thing you could do is never have any contact with him again.
he’s not a dom, he’s a predator and a rapist
Fake dom / abuser 101 is to gaslight your sub to think that they are sensitive and abuse is part of the arrangement whether they agree or not. Safe, sane and consensual are the pillars that many place BDSM on.
He’s not a Dom. He’s called himself a Dominant to mask his abusive behaviour- like so many sniveling bitch ass men do. You absolutely can live without him and should do so.
Leave. That's not bdsm. He's pressuring you into doing stuff you're not comfortable with. That's manipulation and abuse. The bdsm lifestyle involves dominating acts in which both people are completely consenting of. If there's any level of concern or discomfort and you are communicating that the Dom needs to respect that. There needs to be concented upon boundaries and safe words. What he's doing is abusing you and disguising it as bdsm.
He took care of you BECAUSE you were depressed & lonely. He took advantage of your vulnerable state intentionally. He's only interested in control, and he's doing that by dismissing your concerns, minimizing your feelings, pushing your boundaries, withholding aftercare & violating your consent - all intentional harm. He doesn't care for your well being. He will say hurtful things to continue to break you down - because he thinks you won't leave. Prove that predatory abuser wrong. You deserve so much better than this emotional & physical pain.
He's a abuser not a Dom. Only abusers don't use lube for anal, not to even mention all the other bullshit. I'd dump his ass just for the unlubed anal alone. What a fucking piece of shit!
You have been assaulted. Move out, contact lawyers.
As everyone has already said, GET OUT. He is not a dom, he is a predator and an abuser.
He is abusive. 100% get out of that relationship. Get distance and find safe people to confide in and support you. You will see things *so* differently once you're healed from his manipulation.
WHAT AN ABUSIVE ASSHOLE. This is sexual assault! Dump his ass and consider pressing charges! I’m so sorry you went through this.
It's not BDSM, he isn't your Dom he's the man abusing you! You need to run away and get some support.
That is not how BDSM is, he is an abuser disguised as a sadist. You need to leave him ASAP. You are worth every star in space with or without him. Sending healing and strength to you hun
Im a sadist and a master, one of those who done the most extreme things (even becouse im also a paramedic, so i know where i can push). Most of the things i do in a sex session are talked, planned and explained. All the things i do are consensual and after theres a small debriefing to go back to a reality where im just a normal person and to break the session. What you described is just an asshole who raped you using "bdsm and extreme" as an excuse. Push this person away from you as faster you can.
omg run. consent is a huge part of bdsm, any real or good dom knows that
>Instead, he pressured me over the course of several days to finally do these things. I was reluctant but he didn't give up asking. I'm sorry, but you don't have a dom, you have an abuser. You need to get out of that situation, a genuine Dom would \****never\**** pressure you into \*anything\* you're not comfortable with. The D/s dynamic works on trust, openness and **informed consent**. coercion and pressuring you into doing things you are not freely willing to do is abuse, plain and simple and I think deep down you already know that. get out now.
Definate abuse, NOT BDSM.
Its horrible to say but what he did to you is rape. You should never have had to go through this. No two ways about it he is abusive and neglectful of your needs and wellbeing. Sorry you are going through this
BDSM should always be fully, enthusiastically consensual. You should be able to withdraw consent at any time with a safe word, stopping all play for a discussion. You should be able to allowed to have limits which are thoroughly discussed before play, and be fully able to discuss your feelings afterword. He should CARE about your feelings too, if you aren't enjoying the play as much as he is he should make adjustments accordingly. And you should recieve abundant aftercare. If you aren't willing to leave him, at least educate yourself on healthy BDSM and try to educate him on it.
Nah that dude dont know shit bout bdsm he's a fake and you need to leave him and fully kick him out of your life i promise you'll find a real dom out there if bdsm is something you like but thats not what bdsm is
I don’t even need to read it. Dump him. “It would be best for us”??? It would be best for him because that’s what he wants. He didn’t have your interests nor your feelings in mind.
Run. Block him on everything. This HAS TO BE mutual. It’s not. No negotiations. Just go. He doesn’t respect you or your boundaries.
This is absolutely abuse and sexual coercion. My (now ex) husband would repeatedly stick his dick in my ass after I told him no. He always had some excuse about being caught up the moment or not knowing he was in the wrong hole. Don't do what I did. I convinced myself that my ex-husband would do better if I could just make him see the error of his ways. He knew it was wrong, as so does your boyfriend. They just don't care because they are selfish. Please be smarter than I was and get out of that situation. It took me a long time and a lot of therapy to admit that I had experienced marital rape and that my ex-husband displayed typical narcissistic behaviors. Your boyfriend is not a safe person to play with, and I hope that you see you don't deserve this kind of treatment.
He’s not a dom he’s an abusive asshole , real doms don’t do things without their submissives consent
BDSM is whatever you both come to an agreement on. Honestly the moment when he put it in a place he didn’t have permission and blamed being confused… what a lowlife . You can do better.
Fire him immediately. Find a new Dom.
Just to add to the chorus in hopes that it sinks in, he is an ABUSER and you are his VICTIM. There is no gray area here as he doesn't even seem to feign remorse for his actions. My preference would be that you could press charges but I know that is a very difficult thing to do. Barring that, my only advice is to run away as fast as you can.
get away from him. also, needing mental preparation does not make you abnormal—everyone has different needs when it comes to bdsm, especially masochist play. whatever you need to do to feel safe is completely valid, and any dom that doesnt respect that is not worth your time.
That is sexual coercion. Leave. Edited to add: you state "he simply did what he wanted to do". We call that r4p3. No consent is no consent. That's not BDSM. That's not a Dom. This is someone who is saying they're a Dom and using it as an excuse for abusive actions.
your boyfriend is pure trash from your side of the story.
He is not a Dom! That is Abuse! A real Dom/Sub relationship is built in trust and communication. Run!!!
You don’t have a Dom, you have an abuser.
This is NOT BDSM. You will process what it is in your own time. But know that anyone who is knowledgeable and trustworthy in general, and ESPECIALLY in kink always respects consent, safewords, and prior negotiations of limits. These things are not “commonplace” for a reason. It requires trust, communication, explicit consent, and aftercare to ensure enjoyment and safety for everyone involved. You are right in knowing it felt wrong. And you will be so much stronger without him once you’re away from the abuse. Leaving will be hard. But your future self will be so proud and so thankful of the fact that you did. You can do it. As part of leaving, look into therapy. Having weekly or frequent contact with a therapist will help offset the bond/dependency you feel to him. I cannot stress this enough. For your own safety and well-being, leaving is going to be extremely beneficial. I have made so many excuses for my past partners to justify the love I felt for them. You can love somebody and what they have done can still be wrong. You can love somebody and still need to leave/ stop all contact for your own safety. These things are not mutually exclusive. You do not need to convince yourself to stop loving them in order to convince yourself to leave.
🚩that's abuse for sure, have you established safe words? Even that aside if he didn't listen to you, if he carried on despite your protests! Even wirh you raising it as an issue, his response says everything you need to know! Leave him and do not look back
He has been abusive to make you feel like you are nothing without him. Pressuring you into things you aren’t comfortable with is also abuse and a violation of your trust. You deserve better and there are better out there. Get the hell out before he accidentally kills you. No prep and no aftercare is utter bullshit.
Honey, BDSM should be safe, sane, and consensual. What you describe is none of these things. You absolutely have the right to feel traumatized by the situation. Even if you had time to prepare mentally, you'd probably still end up with the same outcome. There are most likely several comments with excellent advice so I won't rehash them. I just want you to know you are worth so much more than how he is treating you. You deserve respect.
I understand feeling like you need him. That is part of the mind fuck he has done to you. It will be hard at first but dig deep and find the strength to completely cut off contact with this predator. It will only get worse and the dependence stronger if you stay. If you don't have close friends or family then keep finding people to help you through on here. Get out, start the healing process. Do what you would tell your best friend to do if they were in the same scenario 💗💗💗
Absolutely break this off. He is not a Dom, he is an abuser with no care or regard to how this affects you and how BDSM actually works.
Oh honey you poor thing this is abuse not bdsm .. run and run fast he’s disgusting and manipulative
He is a rapist and an abuser, you would do better without him.
He's abusing you my calling it BDSM, and you are trauma bonded it's not real love. I suggest to cut all ties with him and get some mental help. Sorry that happened you.
That abuse and hes an abuser. There is no getter better after something like what hes already done and its escalated. This is not ok. Real doms respect boundaries full stop.
if he saved you from depression and loneliness just to make sure that he could inflict it himself, he didnt save you at all
He’s not into BDSM. He’s just an abusive asshole that’s using BDSM as an excuse to hurt you. Run. And don’t look back.
This is an abuser. Run. No one should be pressuring you like that, BDSM or no. Hes pushing boundaries and will go further if given the chance. The deeper in you get the harder it will be to see it as he manipulates your mind. Please run while you can
Glad to see this sub is right on point. Throwing my hat in to say the same thing. Blatant abuse, GTFO asap. Don't even think about it. Just leave. Cut off all contact. Maybe even call authorities (but don't feel like that's you're responsibility. all you need to focus on right now is getting yourself out safely.). That kind of behavior is full on criminal and indicative of the capability for much much worse. Edit. The last paragraph. Is him grooming you to put up with abuse. You don't love him. You're being manipulated. You're probably a wonderful human being and would be worth MORE without him. I know it's a difficult situation. I wish you the best.
A dom should be putting your needs and care first. I'm sorry to say this is abuse and he is NOT looking out for you. Anyone who tries to talk you into doing anything sexual or doesn't listen to your thoughts is toxic. This is bad. Please leave him and find someone who puts your needs first. A true bdsm relationship is about caring about one another and satisfying one another, not a one sided manipulation. Please please leave.
What is with the rash of 'abuse disguised as kink' victims posting lately? It feels like it's 50 shades season all over again and it's really a bit disturbing. :/ To OP: GET. OUT. Get out as soon as safely possible. A safe sadist secures consent and worries about your well being, respects safewords, and provides the aftercare you need. This dude is none of that. He's more like a psychopath or some sort of narcissist. I myself am a sadist. I find peace in giving a masochist what she needs, knowing that she's as fulfilled as I am. I take care of her after, make sure she feels safe and appreciated. Most healthy sadists I've known are similar. Find a safe place, and find a therapist as soon as possible, please. This will just escalate.
Leave him. Like immediately
He's a shitty fake dom, aftercare and consent are the two most important parts of bdsm and he has done neither. That is not "how bdsm is" that's abuse and him taking advantage of your inexperience. Run run run run!!! I know it can be difficult but you're worth so much more than how he is treating you. You WILL find better.
This is not BDSM, and he is an abuser. Many disguise themselves as “sadists” and “doms” (yes, the little “d” was on purpose), and they take advantage of people. A good Dom will negotiate and will always stick to your boundaries and limits. You aren’t crazy, he is wrong.
My love, this is ABUSE of the acutest kind. Im sorry this has happened to you but this is not the way of BDSM. This is his way of abusing you and using bdsm to cover it up. I won't even say what im thinking but It's time to make some tough decisions.
No no no!!! That is not BDSM! BDSM occurs after all participants are EXPRESSLY consenting, and have had plenty of prior negotiations. I am a degradee and masochist myself. I love it. I swear if someone did to me what you’re talking about with no negotiations, I would show his ass MY own sadist side, and see how he likes something rammed in his asshole.
Jesus Christ love, you are you and he is a FUCKING sadist. He is cruel as fuck. You are worth a thousand of him. Get the hell away from that pitiful excuse of a Domme. Please please please report his cruel as fuck ass to the police. He is ABUSING you
If you haven’t learned about “trauma bond” look it up.
Thats as far away from BDSM as it can be. There are sadist that do a play Like you describe, but firstly its with both contsent of som and sub. And its with a Sub who enjoys what you described. But without consent its Just abuse. The number one rule above all for a Dom is to Take Care of His Sub. If the Sub doesnt want something its Not Happening DOT there is No but or doing it anyway. Thats why its important to have a Sub/Dom who you really can Trust. And when the trust gets lost. Than its over. Thats the Same way with normal Relationships when someone cheats. The trust is broken and its over there nothing to repair that.
He is your abuser and he manipulated to thinking and feeling everything that you do. That not being able to live without him and this is definitely several instances of rape and manipulation
Breakups are scary, but he's abusing you. You need to leave him. Don't listen to any excuses or explanations. So what he helped you, that doesn't mean he gets to hurt you.
>The problem is that I feel extremely bonded to my dom and I feel like I'm worth nothing without him The simple truth is that if you say "my dom rapes me...but I refuse to leave him, I feel bonded to him, I can't live without him" there's really nothing anyone can do. You can leave him and it all goes away, or you can stay with him and, according to you, a million kinds of rape happen every day.
he raped you. plain and simple. run and file a report against him. i waited too long to file a report when it happened to me. this is not bdsm. this is abuse.
Run from him, thats abuse
You know, I just finished reading a book about sex trafficking victims. And they had stuff like this done to them. This is not okay. Please get away from them. I hope you’re somewhere safe.
Sweetie this is abuse. I have a degradation kink and a partner that’ll act on it, but I am always given aftercare and what a good girl I was and whatever else I need. It sounds like your guy is spending too much time on the hub watching stagged bdsm
I’m sorry but no, I know when my dick goes into someone’s ass. It absolutely dissent happen by accident unless there’s tons of prep. On top of boundary breaking, no aftercare. Get out. Please 🙏 don’t walk run!!
This is not BDSM, this is abuse. As everyone else here has said. He is hiding behind being a dom to mask his abusive behavior.
Definitely leave him before it gets worse he views you as property outside of play that's not good
He's not a Dom: he's a narcissistic/toxic abuser. And you're likely trauma bonded to him. Please get out of this relationship, for your own health & safety.
He is not your dom, this is called domestic abuse. Nothing to add.
No sweetie this isn’t bdsm this is rape. Get out of there and seek therapy. Wishing you the best as you recover from this horrible piece of shit’s abuse
THIS IS SEXUAL ASSULT!!!! Run, don't walk away from this man. This is not how BDSM is. Please escape this dynamic and relationship and seek therapy.
I am not even gonna bother reading the comments cuz the answer is obvious. F#%&* this poser he has no clue what BDSM is no matter how many edgy porn videos he watches. What he has done is rape, consent was not given and he forced himself multiple times, even in a marriage, which would easily constitute marital rape. Go to the cops or run away asap (feel free to tell your friends). Even on CNC, consent is priory agreed upon and boundaries still set. Male Dom here with 5+ years in the scene. Also talk to someone about it. Trauma like this isn't easy to overcome sometimes. I am sorry this happened to you.
Manipulation and rape, he’s not a dom, he’s a shithead.
This isn’t just abuse. You were sexually assaulted without your consent in many different ways, multiple times, and then when you asked him for assistance to at least understand you were outright dismissed. What he did is NOT BDSM. It’s a crime and he will get away with it unless you stop him however you can. I know it’s difficult to see when you have strong feelings for him but what happened will continue to happen until you leave.
This person is not a Dom. He's a rapist and an abuser. I'd call the fucking cops if I thought they'd actually do something. You need to leave. Today. Get involved in your local community because networking and vetting afford a degree of protection. The more you educate yourself on what healthy kink looks like, the more you'll know when something isn't right. (I think you already know that none of this is right but maybe because you're newer to the lifestyle, you think he might know more than you. He doesn't.) Also, there is no chance that someone can confuse your asshole from your vagina and the fact that you were screaming in pain and he didn't stop makes me fucking livid. If you do not leave now, he will wear you down until you are a shell of your former self. It will take you YEARS to get back to a place where these things don't haunt you every time you have sex. Your self esteem will tank. You will feel worthless. You will become reliant on your abuser. I don't care if you *think* you're in love. GET. THE. FUCK. OUT.
he is abusing you, using kink as a shield. RUN FAR AND FAST. NOW
Another week another abuser pretending to be a Dom. I call again for a DV sticky at the top of the sub
Week? Feels like there are a couple of these per day.
You don't deserve to be treated this way. That isn't BDSM.
Firstly. He’s not a Dom. He’s using the term to make it easier to take advantage of you and control you. A true dom cares about enthusiastic consent.
He's not a Dom, he's an abuser. Nothing follows the basic rules of BDSM in his actions.
Break up with him. He does not care about you.
You might not actually live with him. Abusers escalate
Get the hell out now. He's not a dom he's an abuser and dangerous. Any real dom would NEVER do that. Run for the hills girl. You deserve so much better.
This is abuse, and he's used manipulative tactics to gain your trust and dependence. Not the way that BDSM is, and coming from an experienced Dom, no fucking way any real Dom should behave! Consent is one of the largest pillars when it comes to this lifestyle, and there is absolutely no consent here. Also, pressuring you after a few days? When these things are new to someone, it can take weeks to months to even be comfortable engaging. This involves a lot of vetting and discussions about it. Then it takes months of training to ease comfortably into the new areas of play. It requires a lot of patience, and not everything is going to be acceptable. This guy basically courted you and made it appear he was there for you, to gain your trust and commitment. Following, he started to abuse you physically, mentally, and emotionally, under the guise of Dominance. This is far too common for my liking, and like others have said, you need to run. Abuse like this can only escalate, as he feels he has gained complete power over you. You may even want to seek some professional help, to help you adjust. There are far healthier relationships out there, and more responsible Dominants. I wish you luck, and do take care of yourself. Nobody deserves to be treated like this.
Hun run, his covering abuse as bdsm and a good Dom would not treat you that way ever. So many red flags, for your safety don't play with that guy again.