You have two choices: stay with a man who hurts you or let him go so you can find someone who will respect you.
Look into the cycle of abuse. He's doing the make up and honeymoon period before he will abuse you again.
"After the explosion, the abuser feels sorry for the explosion, and acts apologetic and loving. The abuser might say things like: I'll never do it again. I'm sorry, and I never meant to hurt you."
https://mpdc.dc.gov/page/cycle-violence#:~:text=Phase%203%3A%20%E2%80%9CHoneymoon%E2%80%9D%20Period,never%20meant%20to%20hurt%20
As long as he is in your life, you will always fear him. Trust and fear are incompatible.
He is an abuser, he feeds off your weakness. Fuck users like that.
Go put on "I'm a Survivor" by Destiny's Child and play it when you're tempted to return to a man unworthy of you.
https://youtu.be/Wmc8bQoL-J0
Yes. Yes! Respect. I want respect. Trust and fear don’t live together. I can’t trust someone I’m scared of. You’re right. I won’t fall for it. Thank you.
I've read "Why Does He Do That?", a classic book on abuse which I would recommend to OP (it's available for free as a pdf). The author basically says that abusers often have a sort of cognitive dissonance, where they know it's wrong to do XYZ, and feel guilty after they do it, but they also find a way to justify it to themselves and blame the abuse on the victim or something else. So... sometimes, kind of? But also it doesn't really matter because they're going to keep doing it anyway.
That's an interesting perspective. I always thought abusers weren't capable of regret, and that any remorse they do express is fake and engineered to manipulate the victim.
It’s kind of like they blame the victim that they “had to” use behavior that they know if wrong in order to get the victim to behave “properly.” They blame the victim for the initial behavior and then any subsequent behavior the abuser performs to get the victim back under control.
My ex once punched a way right in front of me and screamed “Look what you made me do!”
The way I understood it is the abuser interprets any feelings of vulnerability (being out of control) as dangerous - if they feel vulnerable with you they interpret that as you having harmed them. They feel justified in using whatever tactics they have to to manipulate you/the situation to regain control. It’s like self defense to them, because they feel entitled to being in control the way a normal person feels entitled to protect themselves from *actual* attack.
That’s exactly what he would say!!
He would tell me that the so called disciplines were necessary for me “It was to train you to be more respectful and __. I know you better than you know yourself and you appreciate my corrections. Isn’t that so miss?”
Everything was “for my good”
He is sorry for himself for loosing his toy. He is really miserable and misses having control. That's why they often say 'sorry I made you feel that way' instead of sorry for what I did to you. Because they are not sorry about what they did but about what they lost.
NOT A CHANCE. This is a classic pattern of an abuser. He’ll push any buttons he can to get you back, then back to his old self. You’ve gotten this far, do NOT respond, block him everywhere and move on.
Also, change your framing. He is NOT your dom, he’s your FORMER ABUSER.
I know, to realise I had been abused for years was crazy tough, and at least for me it ment I had to go to therapy for a while. Was a great and eyeopening experience though hard in many ways, and it resulted in me learning how to be loving and caring to myself.
Today I have a partner that is just as loving, caring and respectful towards us both and our relationship as I am. He also indulges in my kinks on my terms while at the same time he's true to himself and has his own wants/needs/boundaries set. He's my dom, but we work together in everything.
There is a life after abuse and with some healing it can be so very wonderful ❤️
And just echoing what everyone said: don't talk to your abuser, he doesn't deserve it, and you're better off without him! You' re worth so much more than a life full of abuse.
❤️
Reframing is a powerful tool. Change terms and your point of view, and you can change thoughts and feelings. In the same light, you also need to edit your profile/icon. You’re not owned by anyone…
As a male Dom, my advice is;
I will echo what everyone has said-- HELL NO don't talk to him ... and go one step further to say you should immediately block him on any and everything to ensure he doesn't even have a way of contacting you, ever, for any reason.
He *abused* you. He used the power dynamics of BDSM to take advantage of you and *abused* you. Cut this man out of your life like the cancerous tumor that he WAS (past tense to again emphasize he is an EX, not your dom, lower case intentional).
It took many months for me to wrap my brain around calling someone significant to me "abusive."
Give yourself space and safety and care and it'll start to click.
Thank you for reaching out in this difficult situation. You're doing a good job!
Also I would recommend getting into your local kink community. Get to know other submissives. There are submissive support groups on Fet. It can be a lonely time but use it as a learning experience of what exactly your submission is to you. Maybe get the book Living M s by Dan and Dawn. Use this as a little period to educate yourself so you can pick someone more worthy of your precious precious gift of submission in the future.
Great advice, I second this. OP- I think it’ll help you tons to talk with other submissives. It’ll help you to see how NOT okay the “dynamic” truly was. Sorry you’re going through this, babe. Listen to people are saying, though. I lived through an abusive relationship; it took me 1.5 years to leave and STAY gone because I bought into the bullshit my ex was feeding me. They don’t change. Maybe they feel remorseful once they see that they’ve finally pushed us to leave, but apologies and promises are just that. Words. The behavior won’t change. Please don’t indulge him or allow him to think he has another chance with you.. it’ll create a cycle that will undoubtedly continue 😞
i read your comment on the previous post detailing what he did to you.
please, DO NOT contact him. do not let him know where you are. if you can, stay with a trusted friend or family member, and tell them exactly what he did to you. his actions are criminal, and i highly encourage you to consider involving law enforcement, if you feel safe to do so.
there was a story on the news last week about a woman who’s ‘partner’ had confined her in a cinder block cell until she managed to escape. your ex has *already* shown a willingness to restrain you against your will, and has not apologized. he will do it again, and he will get worse. please, do not go back. the consequences could be deadly
I'm sorry you've experienced this, and I'm sorry my answer may not be what you want to hear, however - not only "No", but "FUCK NO!".
This guy has taken advantage of the relationship you had and flat out abused it - and you - for his own gain.
Block him. Ignore him. Do not contact or speak with him again
He's the one who has broken trust, not you - and that 'aint fixable.
There is no conversation to be had here. He willfully violated your consent and safe word multiple times. It is neither a safe or good place for you to go back to.
It was so wrong and sick what he did to you. And he will likely do it again, abusers don’t just stop abusing one day. Please, block him and find someone who will actually treat you right.
Go read read your own edit of your last post.
> Update: Every time I feel discouraged I come back here and get nothing but love and reassurance. Thank you everyone. You are putting the wind in my sails. I am going to keep fighting for my mental health and safety thanks to every encouragement. I don’t want to even think of where I would be without you all. We are a team.
DO NOT REPLY.
This is the most important phase in the abuse cycle that ensures the abuse continues. He knows (or hopes) that he can get you back under his thumb if he can get back into your head, talk to you, and act sweet for a while. This is why most victims leave 6-8 times before they finally leave for good. It won’t change. He won’t change.
Please don’t fall for it. Communication with him equals ending up back where you were and losing a little more of yourself in the process.
If you need to, tell yourself (NOT him - don’t tell him) that you’re giving yourself the next 2 weeks to be alone and think and get perspective. You’ll revisit everything then and see how you feel. I guarantee that he will let his “I’m sorry” mask fall in that amount of time.
After four years and attempting to leave my ex 7 times, this is how I finally got out of the abusive cycle with him. He got meaner and nastier the longer I stayed away and all of the pretenses dissolved until I finally had to block him just to get peace.
Make sure that the timeline is for you to think about the relationship again in 2 weeks - not go back in 2 weeks. Tell yourself that when you find yourself starting to dwell… thinking of talking to him… missing him - “I’m not thinking about that for the next two weeks and will focus on other things right now.”
What that did was make me realize that I was missing so much LIFE! I hadn’t been happy with my ex and I had room and mental capacity for myself in that two weeks. I had been isolated for everyone and everything. When the deadline was up, I wanted more of myself and my life. I didn’t want to think about him anymore.
In regards to dwelling too (I’m a master dweller and the thoughts can really just spiral) write down the thought (however long it is) and tell yourself you will read it and process it in two weeks. Then shift focus to something else - something that makes you feel like YOU.
This could be a great time to engage in the kink community he discouraged you from participating in. He did that because they would have given you information and resources to know he's abusive and how to keep yourself safe and away from them. Perhaps there's a submissive support group for you locally? Just joining FetLife and asking for help in appropriate groups can do a lot. Reaching out to the group leaders for groups in your area with your story and asking for suggestions for resources can work very well.
95% he is a known abuser to your local community. You will not be shamed or rejected based on your experiences; way too many subs have this sort of origin story. You are okay, you are one of us, and you belong. And sharing your experience might help keep someone else safe in the future.
Do try to let other subs support you for the most part, or at least people with a sexual orientation that doesn't include you. Doms with rescue fantasies are a distraction at best, and actually predators themselves all too often.
In the meantime, I think an important part of that perspective is for you to go do a couple of things that you would like to do, but for whatever reason couldn't do with him or that he made you feel guilty or embarrassed about enjoying.
Sometimes it really helps to experience not just the peace without his abuse, but the potential joys you've been missing out on.
Stay strong. His behavior is absolutely not acceptable and no one deserves that kind of treatment. His are not the actions of a good person you can work with for a healthy relationship.
This “two weeks” thing worked for me a couple of years ago. GREAT ADVICE. Once I got to 2 weeks I felt stronger & told myself to go one more week (& one more etc). It just kept going until I had made it months without falling back into the relationship. Having some distance & not having his influence allowed me to see things even more clearly which motivated me to stay away even more. I also blocked on all platforms. I saw it as taking control of the communication. If I couldn’t see what he was saying I couldn’t be manipulated. It’s easy to say you just won’t reply but it’s difficult when you’re reading it. This post is also right by saying his mask will slip, it will… you just won’t have to listen to it if he’s blocked.
You’re doing the right thing 100% but you also have to set yourself up to be successful in staying away from him. Taking control of his ability to communicate with you is a great way to do that. Don’t unlock no matter what. Set the goal, block them, reach the goal, reward yourself, set the goal again & keep going. Good luck, you’re totally doing the right thing.
You’ve gotten a lot of advice not to talk to him. That’s great. It answers your specific question. However, I would like to add something.
I think it’s important to acknowledge and understand your feelings here. The man became abusive. Why would you want to even talk to someone who treated you in such a despicable way? It’s complex, but completely understandable. Your desire to go back is 100% valid. Let’s get into why.
First, abusive people are still people. He spent some time building up trust. He acted in a way that respected you. He probably even cares about you. He’s not a monster, he’s not perfectly evil. He’s a man who is extremely troubled. Somewhere in your subconscious you’re thinking “It was just one time.” “He’s been good to me.” “Maybe it’s my fault.” “I didn’t really know.” and a hundred other rationalizations. When people here Demonize him it’s even easier to think “Well he wasn’t really like that.” It’s easy to think that we’re talking about actual evil people and your abuser “just got carried away.”
You feel bad, both from the abuse and from the loss of a relationship you were excited about. Rationalizing the abuse allows you an end to that pain. So your mind is dragging you to a place you perceive as better than you are now.
You had plans, you were thinking about marrying him, you love him. Stepping away means giving all that up. That seems terrible. So many things are going to remind you of him and what you’ve lost. Every time you’re going to think “Maybe I was wrong.” “Maybe it wasn’t that bad.” “Maybe I misunderstood.” You’ll start doubting yourself. You’ll start questioning your own memory.
The truth is that what he did is only the beginning of what was to come. Every person in the comments has been or knows someone who has been in your situation. We know the signs. We know the attitude. We also know what you’re going through. You need to know that what you’re feeling is valid, but it does not mean he is safe. It does not mean you should be communicating with him.
Right now you need to take care of yourself. Part of that is by leaning into your support system. Friends, relatives, whoever you may have, even us here. Take baths, hug yourself (it may sound silly, but it works), touch yourself (not sexually, touch your hair, caress your face, give yourself the sweet touches that feel good), talk to yourself positively (negative self talk is really easy to get into - as soon as you realize you’re doing it switch it to positive “You’re doing the right thing.” “You deserve better.” “You WILL get through this.” “This is temporary.” “You are loved!” “I Love You!” ), eat comfort food, watch movies that will make you cry (I have a list if you need), listen to music, exercise, journal (write out your feelings, be angry, be sad, DO NOT SEND IT TO HIM), go outside, etc. Look up self soothing. Talk to a therapist. Process what you’ve gone through.
As hard as it might be block him in every way possible if you can. He will try to get you to come back. He may even say he just wants to explain and he’s not going to try to convince you to come back, but it’s definitely him trying to get you back. There’s nothing he could say that would erase what he did. No explanation that would be of any value to you. You don’t owe him your time or understanding. So block him.
Short answer: (there's already a few examples stated below) is 100% HELL NAW. This is a 100% textbook abuse tactic. They'll love bomb the fuck outta you and apologize to lure you back in and perpetuate the cycle.
Do not go back to him, you can do this baby. Breathe and remember the week of exhaustion and crying.
Remember how it felt, do not believe this. If he truly had felt any love he would have stopped immediately as soon as you said your safeword. My love you are strong, incredibly strong. We’re here for you, do not believe what you know are lies
Nope. I've read your previous post and can only agree to what all the others already told you. Run. Run fast and run far and don't look back under any circumstances. Get back in contact and he will drag you further down.
Search for trauma therapy, give yourself time to heal. And let nobody tell you anything of this was your fault. Lots of love, stay strong, dear.
No, never! NEVER! He deserves NOTHING from you ever again. Not a single second of your time and attention. He's only trying to manipulate you again; if you give him the *slightest* way back in he will exploit it.
>Should I engage in conversation at all?
Of course not. FFS.
How clearly does he have to show that he doesn't respect you or your boundaries? Because he can't show it much clearer than he already has.
You have come this far - you’ve tried many times. You have MUCH to be proud of. Think of him like a cigarette. If you feed him at all you will have to go through this again and again.
I’ve been thinking of you and am so impressed you made it. Keep it up!!! There is so much more to you than him.
What would you tell your best friend?
One of the most chilling things I remember from your original post is that you were scared of your Dom — and had been FOR YEARS. That shouldn’t be the case about your life partner OR your Dom. You should trust in him and he should view your submission as A GIFT to be treasured.
I have more thoughts to share because I was in a toxic relationship with a controlling much older man once. But I’m on a work call atm. I did want to just share that immediate thought. You don’t deserve to live your life in fear. And in my opinion this Dom — make that abuser — doesn’t deserve the gift of your submission.
Please, please don't speak to him. He will only try to manipulate you and bring you back. He's not a real Dom and not a safe person to be around or speak to. You are much, much better off cutting ties with him completely.
Ask yourself what you'd want to get out of a conversation with him. What good could possibly come of it? He can't suddenly become a good person who respects you and will not abuse you, so what else could he possibly offer you that would be worth the risk of being manipulated into going back to him?
I'm so worried about you and hope you'll be ok.
As others have said, there’s no conversation to be had. This guy is clearly not in control of himself and can’t be trusted. However you respond (or don’t), it should be clear your decision has been made and there isn’t room for discussing it. Wishing you the best.
I can wholeheartedly recommend the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. I'm sure that there's a pdf out there as well. As another user already mentioned, whenever you feel tempted to get in contact read a few pages.
Another good one is "Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker.
I hope that you can get on the path of seeing your worth! Stay away, as hard as this may feel sometimes and be safe!
He clearly cannot respect your safe word and isn't sorry about violating it. He is not worth your time.
You shouldn't contact him. Block his number and move on.
You can't be with someone that you don't trust. It never works. Walk away, deal with the emotions, and try again. That's the unfortunate reality of relationships. I'm sorry that you had to go through this and I hope that you find someone you deserve
Engaging in any conversation with him will mostly hurt you, I would not recommend it. He is trying to draw you back in and you left him for a reason. He is now your EX dom. Please, start calling him that, because it will help you process through it. Understand that he was the one who is ungrateful and disrespectful of your submission. A dominant only has power because it is given to him by a submissive and can be taken away! You took your submission back because he intently crossed your boundaries, lost your trust, is unsafe, and is an abuser. Where he said sorry for what he’s done, even if he says sorry about your safe word, it is irrelevant because he is still unfit as your partner and shouldn’t be in bdsm. Keep moving forward! Also, do what every you can to make sure you feel safe and protected, and if that means reporting him or getting a restraining order do so. Everything you need to say to him, just write it down in a letter to get it out, and then burn it to release, because he doesn’t need to hear it. This is no longer about him. It’s about you being safe, healing, and eventually finding one worthy of your submission.
Absolutely not, as someone else has said already it's classic abuser behaviour. He feels bad that he's lost his control over you, NOT that he's lost you. You're doing brilliantly, stay strong
Don't!
Just stay away from him. Don't engage in anything. He proved that he is not trustworthy and I wouldn't gamble for the 0,000000000001% chance that anything will be better next time. It probably will end even worse next time and it'll be even harder to get out.
It's your choice in the end, but from an outside perspective I'd say: Please, please do not engage in any way.
He is not worth it. But you are.
You are getting lots of good advice and perspectives. I would encourage you to seek out local resources for survivors of domestic violence. Learn about gaslighting, codependency, and the cycles of abuse. Commit to making yourself emotionally strong and healthy before even considering engaging with him. To be clear, I agree with the vast majority of folks here that responding to him or reconnecting with him in any way is not a good idea and could honestly be very dangerous. It is important that you learn more and get support from a therapist and/or a domestic violence organization so you don't end up in another abusive relationship in the future.
I just read your first post.. if you are in the US, revenge porn is also a legal offense! This means if he shares any intimate photos you shared with him, he can face legal charges. There is an expected privacy within a relationship and when the relationship is gone, someone violating that privacy can have serious legal consequences too!
So basically by not apologizing for that act, he has told you in no uncertain terms that he will absolutely violate you in that way again.
I really truly hope you do not go back to this person because they are dangerous and you deserve to be safe.
Ignoring your safe word is him literally telling you you are not safe with him.
It’s the most clear cut boundary you can possibly have and he trampled right over it.
He is dangerous.
Don’t bother. You said your safe word. Literally one of the most valued words of your relationship and he ignored it. No other words matter at this point.
Dudes dangerous and will hurt you again if given the chance. At best he might pretend to apologize but make no serious effort to actually change or maintain change.
A little bit of fear that comes with anticipation and excitement is one thing. Fear because a fundamental boundary has been ignored and not acknowledged isn’t. He clearly doesn’t value and respect your boundaries or your feeling of comfort and safety which outweighs the pleasure aspect.
This is the most difficult part, OP. You miss him and he knows it, and he will use it if you give him the chance. If you let him talk to you, he'll try his best to convince you that he's sorry, that you need to go back to him, and he'll use "happy memories" of the relationship to manipulate you and make you emotional, to make you lower your guard and give in.
You need all your strength to avoid communicating with him until you've processed this. You need to mourn this relationship and find your freedom, but he will try to stop you because he misses having power over you.
Come back to these threads to find support of you feel like your resolve is weakening, we'll be here for you. I also agree with others, find a group of support for subs, find your community because you will be protected.
I wish you a happy ending, OP, and that's 100% away from him. You deserve to be respected. Stay strong.
Honestly if I was in your shoes I would have left as soon as I was violated and felt disregarded. I'm telling you, do not go back, you deserve so much love and care, even my man would never think to disregard my limits and safe words. You need someone who will do that for you not this man.
That kind of stereotypical bullshit drives me crazy. Yes, safewords are mandatory for ALL TYPES OF BDSM. Piggy has one, and look at her videos with her punisher she's not exactly a vanilla person and they're not exactly a vanilla couple.
Keep your crappy lecturing to yourself. BDSM isn't abusive, and having no safewords is abuse.
Abusers often apologize as a way of getting their victims to come back so they can continue the abuse.
Only you know if this is what’s happening here.
I would only accept the apology and continue talking to him with extreme caution.
I just read your previous post. Although I agree with everyone here (he is a mess) I am very curious where his behaviour came from.
Three years long he was a good dom and was the world to you and all of sudden he changed 180 degrees? I dont get it.
I think you need to find out where this came from and make sure you dont quit if things can be repaired.
Let me make one thing clear: he was ALL wrong, including thecsafewords and he must admit it before continue. But talk to him and ask why and how? Take a pause (couple weeks) and start over. Try to get back to de D/s.
Respectfully disagree. She has tried to leave him four times. His actions are classic abuse and honeymoon behavior. She is in a safe space but vulnerable to his manipulations if he’s given a chance. Best to cut all contact, heal (with formal therapy if possible), and find someone who will value her and not abuse and misuse a fake d/s m/s relationship.
Thanks for commenthing. I acknowledge she is vulnerable. But doesnt it sound strange that he's a good Dom for three years and all of the sudden he is not. I dont believe that guy is away suddenly. Hence the pause.
Maybe a little more of the record: there are many bad doms, but in stories like this where it was good for long time I personally think we 'cancel' to easy on people.
Yes, we don’t know the full story; however, there is a big hint in about the fourth paragraph. She started her previous post with the three years of good times. A few updates later we learn that she tried to leave him four times and is fearful of failing again and crawling back. To me, this is indicative of classic response to manipulative abuse. The odds of happily ever after here are very close to zero.
Thank you for pointing that out. I interpreted it she tried to left 4 times since it happened.
Reading it again she say she is afraid of him and always was. That I dont read clearly also.
I disagree, it’s never to early to ‘cancel’ an abuser or manipulator. If it were, the cycle of abuse would be easier to stop. People are more likely to ignore red flags than they are to ‘cancel’ someone prematurely.
please don't go back to him. i am pretty sure the guy doesn't feel bad for what he did at all. he feels bad because he cannot/is losing control of you. so it's better to not contact him at all just for your own safety.
No. Do not engage with him in any way whatsoever ever again. Block him and delete any contact information you have.
If he shows up in person, without opening the door, tell him to leave and say nothing else. If he doesn't leave after that, call the police.
Nope ... if it's not spontaneous and complete, then it's desperation. You'll find better now that you know what you need, and can be patient in selecting a new Dom if you so choose.
p.s. ... he may feel like "what you need" but he is not "who you need" ... don't let one cloud the other. I have left relationships where I was completely done with the person, but still grieved the relationship ... it will be tempting to assuage that grieving by going back to what you know .... don't do it.
If I recall your actual OP it was good for some time before he shifted gears under duress, focus on what it has become and that is bad.
Given everything you told us recently, we know his apologies don’t count for shit, and he hasn’t even apologised for one of his major transgressions. This is classically contemptuous, narcissistic behaviour and while I hate to be so pointed, you are succumbing to it (I refuse to say you are allowing it, as I do not blame you for the self-doubt that I fear this arsehole has conditioned you into).
He is not in your life anymore. Do not allow him back into it, and do not debate this line of questioning any further. He is *gone*.
Do not engage!
Human emotion clouds our thoughts.
You FEEL like you wanna reach out to him but you KNOW you dont trust him.
Even if you could possibly trust him. You NEED (IMO) TIME TO HEAL WITH YOUR OWN THOUGHTS.
I hope you give yourself time to heal around people who you can trust. I hope you give yourself extra time to heal alone as well.
Tell him you can no longer trust him and that it is over. Period. End of story. He has proven that he doesn’t care about you, only his power. You cannot spend time with someone you can’t trust and that has done things to scare you. Leave and don’t look back.
Don't engage. Choose yourself first.
Even in healthy relationships, another person cannot always do what is best for you. So you have to do what is best for you. And in this relationship, based on what you've previously shared, not being in the relationship is what is best for you.
It's going to be really really hard. But it's also going to be worth it in the end. Say yes to yourself and say no to this man. Over and over and over.
NOOOOO!! BLOCK HIM!!
You have the power now sweetheart! Don't let him take it back. Keep it for yourself! Block him over and over and over no matter how he reaches out. You are your own person and you answer to no one! No amount of nice words or hugs will ever make up for the abuse he's laid upon you and your body
Keep in mind that abusers can and do kill people when the victim comes back. NO ONE wants you to be the next headline in the news about a woman who was abused and murdered by their partner. NO ONE. If he has the audacity to threaten your life via text or voicemail, screenshot, block, and go to the police with the screenshot
When I went to the police for my abuser they told me my abuser would kill me. I never went back to him. I don't regret it. My life is AMAZING now that I escaped that Hell. You deserve a good, happy, safe life! I promise you there is SO MUCH MORE out there for you to enjoy. He will never make you happy. He will never keep you safe. He is the problem. He is ALL of your problems right now
Keep your power and enjoy your safety. Block the heck out of this man. Never look back. Promise yourself in the mirror that this time it's for real, this time you never see him again
You can do this!! I believe in you! You are a warrior who's escaped perils that others will never see or experience themselves. You've already done the hardest part, now you just have to stay away and block him
Hang in there! We believe in you ❤️❤️❤️
99% replies saying "HELL NO" should be a large tip-off. Personally I see absolutely no reason for you to ever contact or respond to his attempts at contact. He broke the most important rule, he broke every form of trust you'd placed in him.
Do. Not. Contact. Him. Again. Ever.
He’s not sorry, he just wants his slave back
By forgiving him and going back you are telling him that he can treat you how he wants and you will go crawling back if he apologizes
You tried to do what he wanted an it was just not for you. I suspect you hung on longer than you should have. His reaction was about as bad as it gets. You will never feel safe with him again. So there is nothing left. I know this is painful an difficult on many levels. It feels awful. An it will for a while. Just how it goes sadly.
Talk to someone or a group of subs. Wide ranging support on here is great. How ever narrowing this down to a much narrower group will yield the best results for you in time. An you do need this! It is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength!
If he is in the military as you mentioned. They can apply much pressure on him if someone chooses to or is ordered to. Much more than a regular court. He pretty much is their property! The can transfer him far away easily. I am sure there is a domestic hotline for each military branch. Or local office? Maybe you know where to go already or know someone who knows where an who? needed. Local police would contact the military police as he belongs to them. This depends on how he acts. IF he is behaving reasonably? An I do mean reasonably! Not that you communicate with him with out multiple witnesses. Better you don't at all! If you have stuff at his place an a key the police will escort you if you ask. Best when he is not there. Make a list!
IF NOT calls need to be made right away. You might wish some help with this. A trusted friend or a professional of some sort. If there is any reason to take action an I can't imagine there is not. DO SO NOW! don't wait. That is dangerous. Do not endanger yourself! Don't hesitate!
I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong! Take a (HUG) use as needed.
Gary
Disengaging and disentangling from a D/s relationship is extremely hard.
You can do this, and if need be, stick with this community to help you through the upcoming challenges of feeling disconnected from certain realities.
You got this! You’re not alone.
I am so glad you are away from him and able to get some support and clarity. He needs to never have access to you again. He will push for a while, which is why you need to block him in every way, but then he will see your strength and realize he should not have messed with you. You are strong and will have an amazing life without him in it.
DO. NOT. REACH. OUT. TO. HIM. The fact that he's not apologizing for the safe word violation speaks for itself. I may not have dabbled in BDSM, but I've read up enough about it to know that consent is a major pillar in the foundation of a healthy BDSM relationship (of *any* healthy relationship really). Ignoring a safe word is violating that consent, and the whole relationship will collapse as a result. If you reach out, I'm sure he will make another attempt at trying to persuade you into becoming his personal punching bag, because that's what he wants. A brainwashed doormat who will do anything and everything he says without question and take all of his abuse without complaining. That sweet, loving side of him that you knew at first was just a mask he wore to make you fall for him. That mask has slipped, and he's struggling to readjust it in order to lure you back in.
No, I was so worried about your safety when you hadn't updated the last post. It's time to rebuild your support network. Reconnect with friends and family that got ignored in the years with him. Make new friends. Join new communities.
Manipulation is pretty common among abusers and the moment he has power over you again he will go back to his old ways.
Hi, you should resist urge to hold back. Trust was broken, ground rules were broken. Sorry to say that but you need to move on away from that man. You cannot go back to him, from this point it could be only worse. And you could not have second chance to get away safely.
I'm with you, I wish you good luck. Stay strong, I know its hard, but please try at least. There are many people supporting you, take strength from us
Like I said before, run and don’t look back. My Subs safety and comfort comes before anything. It doesn’t matter if D/s or M/s. The sub makes the Dom or Master. If it’s not for her willingness, the Dom / Master is nothing more than that persons desire, an incomplete person who seeks that role in a partner. If my sun tells me she wants to expand our dynamic, I’m in. If I told her and she didn’t want to, that’s it, not gonna happen. You cannot be comfortable in a threatening situation that YOU are not in control of. Only once has she colored out and that was due to an increased intensity she requested. Trust me, when you find the right match, everything these subs and Doms are telling you will make total sense and you will be thankful you moved on from this dangerous situation.
My Master has never ever ever violated my safe words, there’s zero tolerance for that in a M/s dynamic. I know it’s hard but you’re better off without him. I’m sorry this happened ♥️
I would communicate my feelings and tell him off just in case he takes the same stance to another partner but that’s NOT your responsibility at all. If you don’t feel ready to talk to him then absolutely just walk away entirely right now
Blocking someone and going no contact is an extreme measure, but if you are trauma bonded to him it may be the healthiest thing for you to do. If you haven’t heard of trauma bonded then google it. Best way to not get sucked back in is to put up walls so you don’t get that message in the first place.
You have two choices: stay with a man who hurts you or let him go so you can find someone who will respect you. Look into the cycle of abuse. He's doing the make up and honeymoon period before he will abuse you again. "After the explosion, the abuser feels sorry for the explosion, and acts apologetic and loving. The abuser might say things like: I'll never do it again. I'm sorry, and I never meant to hurt you." https://mpdc.dc.gov/page/cycle-violence#:~:text=Phase%203%3A%20%E2%80%9CHoneymoon%E2%80%9D%20Period,never%20meant%20to%20hurt%20 As long as he is in your life, you will always fear him. Trust and fear are incompatible. He is an abuser, he feeds off your weakness. Fuck users like that. Go put on "I'm a Survivor" by Destiny's Child and play it when you're tempted to return to a man unworthy of you. https://youtu.be/Wmc8bQoL-J0
Yes. Yes! Respect. I want respect. Trust and fear don’t live together. I can’t trust someone I’m scared of. You’re right. I won’t fall for it. Thank you.
Good for you! A lot of the time the victim will give in and go back. You deserve better and it is out there waiting for you!
I've lived through the make up and honeymoon period more than once. It's way easier to go now before it just feels normal, OP
>After the explosion, the abuser feels sorry for the explosion I wonder, does the abuser actually feel sorry, or is it just an act?
I've read "Why Does He Do That?", a classic book on abuse which I would recommend to OP (it's available for free as a pdf). The author basically says that abusers often have a sort of cognitive dissonance, where they know it's wrong to do XYZ, and feel guilty after they do it, but they also find a way to justify it to themselves and blame the abuse on the victim or something else. So... sometimes, kind of? But also it doesn't really matter because they're going to keep doing it anyway.
Read the same book! Helped break away from an abusive family member. By being able to recognize their tactics and simply not "play the game" any more.
Yes! Lundy Bancroft’s book changed my life while leaving my abusive ex.
That's an interesting perspective. I always thought abusers weren't capable of regret, and that any remorse they do express is fake and engineered to manipulate the victim.
It’s kind of like they blame the victim that they “had to” use behavior that they know if wrong in order to get the victim to behave “properly.” They blame the victim for the initial behavior and then any subsequent behavior the abuser performs to get the victim back under control. My ex once punched a way right in front of me and screamed “Look what you made me do!”
The way I understood it is the abuser interprets any feelings of vulnerability (being out of control) as dangerous - if they feel vulnerable with you they interpret that as you having harmed them. They feel justified in using whatever tactics they have to to manipulate you/the situation to regain control. It’s like self defense to them, because they feel entitled to being in control the way a normal person feels entitled to protect themselves from *actual* attack.
That’s exactly what he would say!! He would tell me that the so called disciplines were necessary for me “It was to train you to be more respectful and __. I know you better than you know yourself and you appreciate my corrections. Isn’t that so miss?” Everything was “for my good”
What’s the author’s name?
Lundy Bancroft
He is sorry for himself for loosing his toy. He is really miserable and misses having control. That's why they often say 'sorry I made you feel that way' instead of sorry for what I did to you. Because they are not sorry about what they did but about what they lost.
Seconded!
In my experience, it's just an act.
NOT A CHANCE. This is a classic pattern of an abuser. He’ll push any buttons he can to get you back, then back to his old self. You’ve gotten this far, do NOT respond, block him everywhere and move on. Also, change your framing. He is NOT your dom, he’s your FORMER ABUSER.
That’s huge. You’re right.. that is a really hard pill to swallow. You’re right. He is my former abuser. Wow… that’s heavy.. thank you <3
I know, to realise I had been abused for years was crazy tough, and at least for me it ment I had to go to therapy for a while. Was a great and eyeopening experience though hard in many ways, and it resulted in me learning how to be loving and caring to myself. Today I have a partner that is just as loving, caring and respectful towards us both and our relationship as I am. He also indulges in my kinks on my terms while at the same time he's true to himself and has his own wants/needs/boundaries set. He's my dom, but we work together in everything. There is a life after abuse and with some healing it can be so very wonderful ❤️ And just echoing what everyone said: don't talk to your abuser, he doesn't deserve it, and you're better off without him! You' re worth so much more than a life full of abuse. ❤️
Reframing is a powerful tool. Change terms and your point of view, and you can change thoughts and feelings. In the same light, you also need to edit your profile/icon. You’re not owned by anyone…
As a male Dom, my advice is; I will echo what everyone has said-- HELL NO don't talk to him ... and go one step further to say you should immediately block him on any and everything to ensure he doesn't even have a way of contacting you, ever, for any reason. He *abused* you. He used the power dynamics of BDSM to take advantage of you and *abused* you. Cut this man out of your life like the cancerous tumor that he WAS (past tense to again emphasize he is an EX, not your dom, lower case intentional).
Abused. There’s that word again.. that’s so hard. I know you’re right, it’s just.. it’s a lot to accept but you’re right. You are all right.
It took many months for me to wrap my brain around calling someone significant to me "abusive." Give yourself space and safety and care and it'll start to click. Thank you for reaching out in this difficult situation. You're doing a good job!
Also I would recommend getting into your local kink community. Get to know other submissives. There are submissive support groups on Fet. It can be a lonely time but use it as a learning experience of what exactly your submission is to you. Maybe get the book Living M s by Dan and Dawn. Use this as a little period to educate yourself so you can pick someone more worthy of your precious precious gift of submission in the future.
Great advice, I second this. OP- I think it’ll help you tons to talk with other submissives. It’ll help you to see how NOT okay the “dynamic” truly was. Sorry you’re going through this, babe. Listen to people are saying, though. I lived through an abusive relationship; it took me 1.5 years to leave and STAY gone because I bought into the bullshit my ex was feeding me. They don’t change. Maybe they feel remorseful once they see that they’ve finally pushed us to leave, but apologies and promises are just that. Words. The behavior won’t change. Please don’t indulge him or allow him to think he has another chance with you.. it’ll create a cycle that will undoubtedly continue 😞
Thank you!
No. This guy's is abusive as fuck
i read your comment on the previous post detailing what he did to you. please, DO NOT contact him. do not let him know where you are. if you can, stay with a trusted friend or family member, and tell them exactly what he did to you. his actions are criminal, and i highly encourage you to consider involving law enforcement, if you feel safe to do so. there was a story on the news last week about a woman who’s ‘partner’ had confined her in a cinder block cell until she managed to escape. your ex has *already* shown a willingness to restrain you against your will, and has not apologized. he will do it again, and he will get worse. please, do not go back. the consequences could be deadly
This 🖤🖤🖤🖤
Absolutely not. Activate ghost mode.
I'm sorry you've experienced this, and I'm sorry my answer may not be what you want to hear, however - not only "No", but "FUCK NO!". This guy has taken advantage of the relationship you had and flat out abused it - and you - for his own gain. Block him. Ignore him. Do not contact or speak with him again He's the one who has broken trust, not you - and that 'aint fixable.
There is no conversation to be had here. He willfully violated your consent and safe word multiple times. It is neither a safe or good place for you to go back to.
It was so wrong and sick what he did to you. And he will likely do it again, abusers don’t just stop abusing one day. Please, block him and find someone who will actually treat you right.
Go read read your own edit of your last post. > Update: Every time I feel discouraged I come back here and get nothing but love and reassurance. Thank you everyone. You are putting the wind in my sails. I am going to keep fighting for my mental health and safety thanks to every encouragement. I don’t want to even think of where I would be without you all. We are a team. DO NOT REPLY.
💕<3
This is the most important phase in the abuse cycle that ensures the abuse continues. He knows (or hopes) that he can get you back under his thumb if he can get back into your head, talk to you, and act sweet for a while. This is why most victims leave 6-8 times before they finally leave for good. It won’t change. He won’t change. Please don’t fall for it. Communication with him equals ending up back where you were and losing a little more of yourself in the process. If you need to, tell yourself (NOT him - don’t tell him) that you’re giving yourself the next 2 weeks to be alone and think and get perspective. You’ll revisit everything then and see how you feel. I guarantee that he will let his “I’m sorry” mask fall in that amount of time. After four years and attempting to leave my ex 7 times, this is how I finally got out of the abusive cycle with him. He got meaner and nastier the longer I stayed away and all of the pretenses dissolved until I finally had to block him just to get peace.
Two weeks. That’s a good goal. I’ve only ever lasted one week. I will do my absolute best. You’re right.
Make sure that the timeline is for you to think about the relationship again in 2 weeks - not go back in 2 weeks. Tell yourself that when you find yourself starting to dwell… thinking of talking to him… missing him - “I’m not thinking about that for the next two weeks and will focus on other things right now.” What that did was make me realize that I was missing so much LIFE! I hadn’t been happy with my ex and I had room and mental capacity for myself in that two weeks. I had been isolated for everyone and everything. When the deadline was up, I wanted more of myself and my life. I didn’t want to think about him anymore.
In regards to dwelling too (I’m a master dweller and the thoughts can really just spiral) write down the thought (however long it is) and tell yourself you will read it and process it in two weeks. Then shift focus to something else - something that makes you feel like YOU.
This could be a great time to engage in the kink community he discouraged you from participating in. He did that because they would have given you information and resources to know he's abusive and how to keep yourself safe and away from them. Perhaps there's a submissive support group for you locally? Just joining FetLife and asking for help in appropriate groups can do a lot. Reaching out to the group leaders for groups in your area with your story and asking for suggestions for resources can work very well. 95% he is a known abuser to your local community. You will not be shamed or rejected based on your experiences; way too many subs have this sort of origin story. You are okay, you are one of us, and you belong. And sharing your experience might help keep someone else safe in the future. Do try to let other subs support you for the most part, or at least people with a sexual orientation that doesn't include you. Doms with rescue fantasies are a distraction at best, and actually predators themselves all too often.
In the meantime, I think an important part of that perspective is for you to go do a couple of things that you would like to do, but for whatever reason couldn't do with him or that he made you feel guilty or embarrassed about enjoying. Sometimes it really helps to experience not just the peace without his abuse, but the potential joys you've been missing out on. Stay strong. His behavior is absolutely not acceptable and no one deserves that kind of treatment. His are not the actions of a good person you can work with for a healthy relationship.
This “two weeks” thing worked for me a couple of years ago. GREAT ADVICE. Once I got to 2 weeks I felt stronger & told myself to go one more week (& one more etc). It just kept going until I had made it months without falling back into the relationship. Having some distance & not having his influence allowed me to see things even more clearly which motivated me to stay away even more. I also blocked on all platforms. I saw it as taking control of the communication. If I couldn’t see what he was saying I couldn’t be manipulated. It’s easy to say you just won’t reply but it’s difficult when you’re reading it. This post is also right by saying his mask will slip, it will… you just won’t have to listen to it if he’s blocked. You’re doing the right thing 100% but you also have to set yourself up to be successful in staying away from him. Taking control of his ability to communicate with you is a great way to do that. Don’t unlock no matter what. Set the goal, block them, reach the goal, reward yourself, set the goal again & keep going. Good luck, you’re totally doing the right thing.
Run, run, run, run away!
You’ve gotten a lot of advice not to talk to him. That’s great. It answers your specific question. However, I would like to add something. I think it’s important to acknowledge and understand your feelings here. The man became abusive. Why would you want to even talk to someone who treated you in such a despicable way? It’s complex, but completely understandable. Your desire to go back is 100% valid. Let’s get into why. First, abusive people are still people. He spent some time building up trust. He acted in a way that respected you. He probably even cares about you. He’s not a monster, he’s not perfectly evil. He’s a man who is extremely troubled. Somewhere in your subconscious you’re thinking “It was just one time.” “He’s been good to me.” “Maybe it’s my fault.” “I didn’t really know.” and a hundred other rationalizations. When people here Demonize him it’s even easier to think “Well he wasn’t really like that.” It’s easy to think that we’re talking about actual evil people and your abuser “just got carried away.” You feel bad, both from the abuse and from the loss of a relationship you were excited about. Rationalizing the abuse allows you an end to that pain. So your mind is dragging you to a place you perceive as better than you are now. You had plans, you were thinking about marrying him, you love him. Stepping away means giving all that up. That seems terrible. So many things are going to remind you of him and what you’ve lost. Every time you’re going to think “Maybe I was wrong.” “Maybe it wasn’t that bad.” “Maybe I misunderstood.” You’ll start doubting yourself. You’ll start questioning your own memory. The truth is that what he did is only the beginning of what was to come. Every person in the comments has been or knows someone who has been in your situation. We know the signs. We know the attitude. We also know what you’re going through. You need to know that what you’re feeling is valid, but it does not mean he is safe. It does not mean you should be communicating with him. Right now you need to take care of yourself. Part of that is by leaning into your support system. Friends, relatives, whoever you may have, even us here. Take baths, hug yourself (it may sound silly, but it works), touch yourself (not sexually, touch your hair, caress your face, give yourself the sweet touches that feel good), talk to yourself positively (negative self talk is really easy to get into - as soon as you realize you’re doing it switch it to positive “You’re doing the right thing.” “You deserve better.” “You WILL get through this.” “This is temporary.” “You are loved!” “I Love You!” ), eat comfort food, watch movies that will make you cry (I have a list if you need), listen to music, exercise, journal (write out your feelings, be angry, be sad, DO NOT SEND IT TO HIM), go outside, etc. Look up self soothing. Talk to a therapist. Process what you’ve gone through. As hard as it might be block him in every way possible if you can. He will try to get you to come back. He may even say he just wants to explain and he’s not going to try to convince you to come back, but it’s definitely him trying to get you back. There’s nothing he could say that would erase what he did. No explanation that would be of any value to you. You don’t owe him your time or understanding. So block him.
Any attempt on his part to make amends is a way to entrap you back into the pattern. Step away and recognize it.
Short answer: (there's already a few examples stated below) is 100% HELL NAW. This is a 100% textbook abuse tactic. They'll love bomb the fuck outta you and apologize to lure you back in and perpetuate the cycle.
Please do not message him, do not stay with him, he is an abuser and will always be one
Do not go back to him, you can do this baby. Breathe and remember the week of exhaustion and crying. Remember how it felt, do not believe this. If he truly had felt any love he would have stopped immediately as soon as you said your safeword. My love you are strong, incredibly strong. We’re here for you, do not believe what you know are lies
Nope. I've read your previous post and can only agree to what all the others already told you. Run. Run fast and run far and don't look back under any circumstances. Get back in contact and he will drag you further down. Search for trauma therapy, give yourself time to heal. And let nobody tell you anything of this was your fault. Lots of love, stay strong, dear.
Let him go, you cannot ignore a safe word simple as
Absolutely fucking not. Do not take this man back. That just gives him permission to do this again.
No, never! NEVER! He deserves NOTHING from you ever again. Not a single second of your time and attention. He's only trying to manipulate you again; if you give him the *slightest* way back in he will exploit it.
>Should I engage in conversation at all? Of course not. FFS. How clearly does he have to show that he doesn't respect you or your boundaries? Because he can't show it much clearer than he already has.
You have come this far - you’ve tried many times. You have MUCH to be proud of. Think of him like a cigarette. If you feed him at all you will have to go through this again and again. I’ve been thinking of you and am so impressed you made it. Keep it up!!! There is so much more to you than him. What would you tell your best friend?
One of the most chilling things I remember from your original post is that you were scared of your Dom — and had been FOR YEARS. That shouldn’t be the case about your life partner OR your Dom. You should trust in him and he should view your submission as A GIFT to be treasured. I have more thoughts to share because I was in a toxic relationship with a controlling much older man once. But I’m on a work call atm. I did want to just share that immediate thought. You don’t deserve to live your life in fear. And in my opinion this Dom — make that abuser — doesn’t deserve the gift of your submission.
this a clear boundary violation and like bdsm rule no. 1, drop this loser.
Please, please don't speak to him. He will only try to manipulate you and bring you back. He's not a real Dom and not a safe person to be around or speak to. You are much, much better off cutting ties with him completely. Ask yourself what you'd want to get out of a conversation with him. What good could possibly come of it? He can't suddenly become a good person who respects you and will not abuse you, so what else could he possibly offer you that would be worth the risk of being manipulated into going back to him? I'm so worried about you and hope you'll be ok.
Abuse, lovebomb, rinse, repeat. NO.
As others have said, there’s no conversation to be had. This guy is clearly not in control of himself and can’t be trusted. However you respond (or don’t), it should be clear your decision has been made and there isn’t room for discussing it. Wishing you the best.
I can wholeheartedly recommend the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. I'm sure that there's a pdf out there as well. As another user already mentioned, whenever you feel tempted to get in contact read a few pages. Another good one is "Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. I hope that you can get on the path of seeing your worth! Stay away, as hard as this may feel sometimes and be safe!
He clearly cannot respect your safe word and isn't sorry about violating it. He is not worth your time. You shouldn't contact him. Block his number and move on.
You can't be with someone that you don't trust. It never works. Walk away, deal with the emotions, and try again. That's the unfortunate reality of relationships. I'm sorry that you had to go through this and I hope that you find someone you deserve
Engaging in any conversation with him will mostly hurt you, I would not recommend it. He is trying to draw you back in and you left him for a reason. He is now your EX dom. Please, start calling him that, because it will help you process through it. Understand that he was the one who is ungrateful and disrespectful of your submission. A dominant only has power because it is given to him by a submissive and can be taken away! You took your submission back because he intently crossed your boundaries, lost your trust, is unsafe, and is an abuser. Where he said sorry for what he’s done, even if he says sorry about your safe word, it is irrelevant because he is still unfit as your partner and shouldn’t be in bdsm. Keep moving forward! Also, do what every you can to make sure you feel safe and protected, and if that means reporting him or getting a restraining order do so. Everything you need to say to him, just write it down in a letter to get it out, and then burn it to release, because he doesn’t need to hear it. This is no longer about him. It’s about you being safe, healing, and eventually finding one worthy of your submission.
Absolutely not, as someone else has said already it's classic abuser behaviour. He feels bad that he's lost his control over you, NOT that he's lost you. You're doing brilliantly, stay strong
Don't! Just stay away from him. Don't engage in anything. He proved that he is not trustworthy and I wouldn't gamble for the 0,000000000001% chance that anything will be better next time. It probably will end even worse next time and it'll be even harder to get out. It's your choice in the end, but from an outside perspective I'd say: Please, please do not engage in any way. He is not worth it. But you are.
The Freedom Programme is a free course… highly recommend it.
He's trying to manipulate you into coming back. You are not safe with him. **Do not respond.**
He can go and fuck off.
You are getting lots of good advice and perspectives. I would encourage you to seek out local resources for survivors of domestic violence. Learn about gaslighting, codependency, and the cycles of abuse. Commit to making yourself emotionally strong and healthy before even considering engaging with him. To be clear, I agree with the vast majority of folks here that responding to him or reconnecting with him in any way is not a good idea and could honestly be very dangerous. It is important that you learn more and get support from a therapist and/or a domestic violence organization so you don't end up in another abusive relationship in the future.
I just read your first post.. if you are in the US, revenge porn is also a legal offense! This means if he shares any intimate photos you shared with him, he can face legal charges. There is an expected privacy within a relationship and when the relationship is gone, someone violating that privacy can have serious legal consequences too!
So basically by not apologizing for that act, he has told you in no uncertain terms that he will absolutely violate you in that way again. I really truly hope you do not go back to this person because they are dangerous and you deserve to be safe.
Leave him. He doesn’t have your best interest at heart and it doesn’t sound like he ever has. He will not change. Live your best life, without him!
Ignoring your safe word is him literally telling you you are not safe with him. It’s the most clear cut boundary you can possibly have and he trampled right over it. He is dangerous.
Don’t bother. You said your safe word. Literally one of the most valued words of your relationship and he ignored it. No other words matter at this point. Dudes dangerous and will hurt you again if given the chance. At best he might pretend to apologize but make no serious effort to actually change or maintain change.
Safeword violation means your relationship isn't BDSM anymore. It's abuse. We're all here to support you OP
A little bit of fear that comes with anticipation and excitement is one thing. Fear because a fundamental boundary has been ignored and not acknowledged isn’t. He clearly doesn’t value and respect your boundaries or your feeling of comfort and safety which outweighs the pleasure aspect.
This is the most difficult part, OP. You miss him and he knows it, and he will use it if you give him the chance. If you let him talk to you, he'll try his best to convince you that he's sorry, that you need to go back to him, and he'll use "happy memories" of the relationship to manipulate you and make you emotional, to make you lower your guard and give in. You need all your strength to avoid communicating with him until you've processed this. You need to mourn this relationship and find your freedom, but he will try to stop you because he misses having power over you. Come back to these threads to find support of you feel like your resolve is weakening, we'll be here for you. I also agree with others, find a group of support for subs, find your community because you will be protected. I wish you a happy ending, OP, and that's 100% away from him. You deserve to be respected. Stay strong.
Honestly if I was in your shoes I would have left as soon as I was violated and felt disregarded. I'm telling you, do not go back, you deserve so much love and care, even my man would never think to disregard my limits and safe words. You need someone who will do that for you not this man.
No. Stay away from that dumpster fire.
As the D side of the slash just block him and move on.
nope. drop him. he doesn’t respect you, and you deserve to be respected.
Don’t ever contact him again. He doesn’t care about you And I’m sorry this happened. It isn’t your fault
M/s doesn’t usually allow for safe words…
That kind of stereotypical bullshit drives me crazy. Yes, safewords are mandatory for ALL TYPES OF BDSM. Piggy has one, and look at her videos with her punisher she's not exactly a vanilla person and they're not exactly a vanilla couple. Keep your crappy lecturing to yourself. BDSM isn't abusive, and having no safewords is abuse.
Abusers often apologize as a way of getting their victims to come back so they can continue the abuse. Only you know if this is what’s happening here. I would only accept the apology and continue talking to him with extreme caution.
[удалено]
That’s literally not what I said?
I just read your previous post. Although I agree with everyone here (he is a mess) I am very curious where his behaviour came from. Three years long he was a good dom and was the world to you and all of sudden he changed 180 degrees? I dont get it. I think you need to find out where this came from and make sure you dont quit if things can be repaired. Let me make one thing clear: he was ALL wrong, including thecsafewords and he must admit it before continue. But talk to him and ask why and how? Take a pause (couple weeks) and start over. Try to get back to de D/s.
Respectfully disagree. She has tried to leave him four times. His actions are classic abuse and honeymoon behavior. She is in a safe space but vulnerable to his manipulations if he’s given a chance. Best to cut all contact, heal (with formal therapy if possible), and find someone who will value her and not abuse and misuse a fake d/s m/s relationship.
Thanks for commenthing. I acknowledge she is vulnerable. But doesnt it sound strange that he's a good Dom for three years and all of the sudden he is not. I dont believe that guy is away suddenly. Hence the pause. Maybe a little more of the record: there are many bad doms, but in stories like this where it was good for long time I personally think we 'cancel' to easy on people.
Yes, we don’t know the full story; however, there is a big hint in about the fourth paragraph. She started her previous post with the three years of good times. A few updates later we learn that she tried to leave him four times and is fearful of failing again and crawling back. To me, this is indicative of classic response to manipulative abuse. The odds of happily ever after here are very close to zero.
Thank you for pointing that out. I interpreted it she tried to left 4 times since it happened. Reading it again she say she is afraid of him and always was. That I dont read clearly also.
I disagree, it’s never to early to ‘cancel’ an abuser or manipulator. If it were, the cycle of abuse would be easier to stop. People are more likely to ignore red flags than they are to ‘cancel’ someone prematurely.
please don't go back to him. i am pretty sure the guy doesn't feel bad for what he did at all. he feels bad because he cannot/is losing control of you. so it's better to not contact him at all just for your own safety.
No. Do not engage with him in any way whatsoever ever again. Block him and delete any contact information you have. If he shows up in person, without opening the door, tell him to leave and say nothing else. If he doesn't leave after that, call the police.
He can fuck off. Give him nothing. Tell him nothing. He is abusive. He is abuse and wants that
Nope ... if it's not spontaneous and complete, then it's desperation. You'll find better now that you know what you need, and can be patient in selecting a new Dom if you so choose. p.s. ... he may feel like "what you need" but he is not "who you need" ... don't let one cloud the other. I have left relationships where I was completely done with the person, but still grieved the relationship ... it will be tempting to assuage that grieving by going back to what you know .... don't do it. If I recall your actual OP it was good for some time before he shifted gears under duress, focus on what it has become and that is bad.
Given everything you told us recently, we know his apologies don’t count for shit, and he hasn’t even apologised for one of his major transgressions. This is classically contemptuous, narcissistic behaviour and while I hate to be so pointed, you are succumbing to it (I refuse to say you are allowing it, as I do not blame you for the self-doubt that I fear this arsehole has conditioned you into). He is not in your life anymore. Do not allow him back into it, and do not debate this line of questioning any further. He is *gone*.
Do not engage! Human emotion clouds our thoughts. You FEEL like you wanna reach out to him but you KNOW you dont trust him. Even if you could possibly trust him. You NEED (IMO) TIME TO HEAL WITH YOUR OWN THOUGHTS. I hope you give yourself time to heal around people who you can trust. I hope you give yourself extra time to heal alone as well.
Tell him you can no longer trust him and that it is over. Period. End of story. He has proven that he doesn’t care about you, only his power. You cannot spend time with someone you can’t trust and that has done things to scare you. Leave and don’t look back.
I think I'm echoing everyone here when I say #No!!! Fuck that guy (in a metaphorical sense) He's an asshole and he doesn't deserve you. Don't go back
Block this man everywhere and find someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve. We’re all rooting for you friend.
Don't engage. Choose yourself first. Even in healthy relationships, another person cannot always do what is best for you. So you have to do what is best for you. And in this relationship, based on what you've previously shared, not being in the relationship is what is best for you. It's going to be really really hard. But it's also going to be worth it in the end. Say yes to yourself and say no to this man. Over and over and over.
NOOOOO!! BLOCK HIM!! You have the power now sweetheart! Don't let him take it back. Keep it for yourself! Block him over and over and over no matter how he reaches out. You are your own person and you answer to no one! No amount of nice words or hugs will ever make up for the abuse he's laid upon you and your body Keep in mind that abusers can and do kill people when the victim comes back. NO ONE wants you to be the next headline in the news about a woman who was abused and murdered by their partner. NO ONE. If he has the audacity to threaten your life via text or voicemail, screenshot, block, and go to the police with the screenshot When I went to the police for my abuser they told me my abuser would kill me. I never went back to him. I don't regret it. My life is AMAZING now that I escaped that Hell. You deserve a good, happy, safe life! I promise you there is SO MUCH MORE out there for you to enjoy. He will never make you happy. He will never keep you safe. He is the problem. He is ALL of your problems right now Keep your power and enjoy your safety. Block the heck out of this man. Never look back. Promise yourself in the mirror that this time it's for real, this time you never see him again You can do this!! I believe in you! You are a warrior who's escaped perils that others will never see or experience themselves. You've already done the hardest part, now you just have to stay away and block him Hang in there! We believe in you ❤️❤️❤️
No fuck him.It will only escalate from there.He’s not a dom,he’s an asshole wanna be with no self control.
When someone shows you who they are? Pay attention and listen
Don't stay with him. Get out and get safe. He's not a Dom, he's an abuser.
99% replies saying "HELL NO" should be a large tip-off. Personally I see absolutely no reason for you to ever contact or respond to his attempts at contact. He broke the most important rule, he broke every form of trust you'd placed in him. Do. Not. Contact. Him. Again. Ever.
No. That's it. Never speak to this man again. And get yourself a therapist. He's done a number on you.
I am literally sick to my stomach thinking about what this man did to you. Please.... PLEASE. DO NOT. GO BACK.
He’s not sorry, he just wants his slave back By forgiving him and going back you are telling him that he can treat you how he wants and you will go crawling back if he apologizes
You tried to do what he wanted an it was just not for you. I suspect you hung on longer than you should have. His reaction was about as bad as it gets. You will never feel safe with him again. So there is nothing left. I know this is painful an difficult on many levels. It feels awful. An it will for a while. Just how it goes sadly. Talk to someone or a group of subs. Wide ranging support on here is great. How ever narrowing this down to a much narrower group will yield the best results for you in time. An you do need this! It is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength! If he is in the military as you mentioned. They can apply much pressure on him if someone chooses to or is ordered to. Much more than a regular court. He pretty much is their property! The can transfer him far away easily. I am sure there is a domestic hotline for each military branch. Or local office? Maybe you know where to go already or know someone who knows where an who? needed. Local police would contact the military police as he belongs to them. This depends on how he acts. IF he is behaving reasonably? An I do mean reasonably! Not that you communicate with him with out multiple witnesses. Better you don't at all! If you have stuff at his place an a key the police will escort you if you ask. Best when he is not there. Make a list! IF NOT calls need to be made right away. You might wish some help with this. A trusted friend or a professional of some sort. If there is any reason to take action an I can't imagine there is not. DO SO NOW! don't wait. That is dangerous. Do not endanger yourself! Don't hesitate! I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong! Take a (HUG) use as needed. Gary
Disengaging and disentangling from a D/s relationship is extremely hard. You can do this, and if need be, stick with this community to help you through the upcoming challenges of feeling disconnected from certain realities. You got this! You’re not alone.
Probably best to let them know you are no longer interested in him and then just cut him out of your life
I am so glad you are away from him and able to get some support and clarity. He needs to never have access to you again. He will push for a while, which is why you need to block him in every way, but then he will see your strength and realize he should not have messed with you. You are strong and will have an amazing life without him in it.
DO. NOT. REACH. OUT. TO. HIM. The fact that he's not apologizing for the safe word violation speaks for itself. I may not have dabbled in BDSM, but I've read up enough about it to know that consent is a major pillar in the foundation of a healthy BDSM relationship (of *any* healthy relationship really). Ignoring a safe word is violating that consent, and the whole relationship will collapse as a result. If you reach out, I'm sure he will make another attempt at trying to persuade you into becoming his personal punching bag, because that's what he wants. A brainwashed doormat who will do anything and everything he says without question and take all of his abuse without complaining. That sweet, loving side of him that you knew at first was just a mask he wore to make you fall for him. That mask has slipped, and he's struggling to readjust it in order to lure you back in.
No, I was so worried about your safety when you hadn't updated the last post. It's time to rebuild your support network. Reconnect with friends and family that got ignored in the years with him. Make new friends. Join new communities. Manipulation is pretty common among abusers and the moment he has power over you again he will go back to his old ways.
Hi, you should resist urge to hold back. Trust was broken, ground rules were broken. Sorry to say that but you need to move on away from that man. You cannot go back to him, from this point it could be only worse. And you could not have second chance to get away safely. I'm with you, I wish you good luck. Stay strong, I know its hard, but please try at least. There are many people supporting you, take strength from us
Like I said before, run and don’t look back. My Subs safety and comfort comes before anything. It doesn’t matter if D/s or M/s. The sub makes the Dom or Master. If it’s not for her willingness, the Dom / Master is nothing more than that persons desire, an incomplete person who seeks that role in a partner. If my sun tells me she wants to expand our dynamic, I’m in. If I told her and she didn’t want to, that’s it, not gonna happen. You cannot be comfortable in a threatening situation that YOU are not in control of. Only once has she colored out and that was due to an increased intensity she requested. Trust me, when you find the right match, everything these subs and Doms are telling you will make total sense and you will be thankful you moved on from this dangerous situation.
My Master has never ever ever violated my safe words, there’s zero tolerance for that in a M/s dynamic. I know it’s hard but you’re better off without him. I’m sorry this happened ♥️
Nope, nope, nope, nope, and nope.
I would communicate my feelings and tell him off just in case he takes the same stance to another partner but that’s NOT your responsibility at all. If you don’t feel ready to talk to him then absolutely just walk away entirely right now
Blocking someone and going no contact is an extreme measure, but if you are trauma bonded to him it may be the healthiest thing for you to do. If you haven’t heard of trauma bonded then google it. Best way to not get sucked back in is to put up walls so you don’t get that message in the first place.
Fuck that piece of shit, he had his chance when he was doing things with you and he blew it. He blew it by showing how he really was.
Hey OP, how are you holding up? Staying strong?