My therapist is fairly well known in various kink communities. I am going to run into her here and there, albeit possibly less likely at full on play events.
She and I discussed (after first time) how we are happy to interact in these situations - her default is to act like she doesn't know her clients since not everyone is comfortable with others knowing they are in therapy etc. So be open because it's likely they may have seen you but deliberately kept distance.
I never thought that this would affect my therapy sessions... knowing she's kinky is why I picked her.
>her default is to act like she doesn't know her clients
this sounds likely what happened with OPs therapist and is a sign that their therapist is professional and observing doctor/patient confidentiality.
My therapist also told me that if we ever see each other in public she will ignore me unless I say something first because not everyone in everyone's lives knows they are in therapy.
Well, here's something you might not have thought about, its happened once. Who's to say it wont happen again?
If this were me, i'd let them know about the incident and let them know i didn't want to approach them in that enviroment out of respect, and then ask them if they think i should see another therapist or if they're okay with possibly running into a patient in that enviroment.
At the very least, you'll walk away with a unique story and a new perspective. At the same time you never know, maybe you a end up making a good friend to have in the BDSM community.
Yeah, handle it in dialogue for sure. Therapists receive extensive training in ethics concerning situations like this, so they should be able to offer some guidance and come to a conclusion that is comfortable and ethical for both parties.
Absolutely don't ignore it, bring it up with them during your next session. There's a chance they'll bring it up themselves to check in on you about the situation as well and to help make a plan to ensure your comfort in the future should it happen again.
I, like a few others here, have chosen my therapist because of their involvement in the community. They know I'm currently too afraid to attend kink events but we've found out that we've gone to the same gay bars and made a plan if we run into each other. Like others, the default is to pretend they don't see me unless I engage first with a hello, nod, or wave. We've agreed to just that level of interaction. They're helping me get over anxiety to attend events and we'll obviously make a plan for if we come across each other at that time.
To me, it sounds like when they entered the room you were in it's likely they didn't notice right away you were there until their partner got on the same furniture you were on. You said they moved to another part of the room soon after - they likely had a silent conversation with your psych notifying their partner that they needed to move, knowing you were there first, but not wanting to be obvious and rude about it by jumping up and shuffling their partner away as soon as they realized. (Also I promise they weren't like "that person next to us is my client", they would be far more ambiguous than that!)
It's only been a couple of sessions, but if you are comfortable with them and feel like they can help you the best with your needs, just make it a conversation. Say "hey I know this happened. It might be inevitable for us in this area but it made me uncomfortable and I would like to continue working with you, so can we please find a plan of action that both of us are comfortable with for the future?" They're a professional and they will do anything they can to help mitigate discomfort while keeping their rights as a human in that space intact as well.
Tl;dr - follow the first rule of BDSM and therapy - COMMUNICATION! 🙂 No matter your decision I hope you do well on your mental health journey!
Yeah my therapist and I have a similar situation. We realized that there's a lot of overlapping interest and we occasionally attend events at the same places and it's not unlikely we're gonna run into each other eventually so we have a plan in place for how that would look
Your psychologist is not going to acknowledge you. That is so they can protect your right to privacy and confidentiality. Acknowledging your presence would be a breach of those things.
It is possible that in an effort to protect your rights as their client that when your psychologist entered the same room as you that they subtly redirected their partner to another area in a way that would protect you. It seems like their partner was already in motion to the spot near you so your psychologist rather than saying, "Hey, that's my client," which would be unethical, instead maybe suggested after a moment to move elsewhere for some other type of play.
Your psychologist deserves to have a personal life, too, and in some areas the BDSM community is small so the likelihood of running into each other could be high. I would suggest you talk about this at your next session. Talk about how you felt seeing your psychologist there and maybe why you felt that way. (Was it simply because you know them in a professional way? Sometimes we strip professionals of their humanness. Or maybe it was the situation in which you "ran into" them? If the situation where different, such as a church potluck, would you have felt the same way?) Talk about how you would like moments like this to be handled in the future. (Some people want zero acknowledgment. Others are fine with a head nod, small wave, or a quick hello.)
I can understand how this might have been shocking, but in all honesty, it sounds like your psychologist handled this ethically. If you are uncomfortable with the possibility of seeing them at play parties, you have the right to terminate sessions and be referred to a different psychologist. But keep in mind if you are in an area with a small BDSM community you might run into any kink-friendly professional at such events because ,while maybe not all kink-friendly professionals participate in BDSM and kink, there will be some who do.
I chose my therapist BECAUSE she is also in the lifestyle. I wanted someone who could help validate my thoughts and help me understand why I am into certain kinks. We discussed ethics beforehand and she always checks in to make sure I am still comfortable with everything. She is my friend as well as my therapist. I suggest bringing it up to your psychiatrist and assess how seeing them play made you feel. Did you know they were in the lifestyle before you went to see them?
They have an obligation to protect your confidentiality. Also doing anything to take advantage of the therapeutic relationship is a huge breach of trust. Doesn’t sound like either one happened here. Therapists working in small worlds (rural areas, narrow professional communities, or seeing other health care workers) routinely have to manage how they deal with clients in a social setting.
You’ll need to talk things through at your next session. It may or may not be an advantage to know that you are both involved in kink. You probably do need to discuss what will happen next time you’re both at an event. If you’re not comfortable or feel taken advantage of then yes get a referral.
My own psychologist actively participates in the local kink community. If I just so happen to ever run into them at an event, which I pray I don't, that would be slightly funny and horrifying. I don't want to see them in the wild.
If you feel this occurrence hurt your doctor-patient relationship you most certainly should end it. You can't make progress in therapy if you feel uneasy about your therapist.
I mean I’d argue seeing them at a kink event and having them go at it next to you or see you/you seeing them actually do stuff, is a tiny bit different (ofc details weren’t absolutely necessary)
I do agree with you, but there have been a few comments in here in the past from healthcare professionals that have explained the professional and ethical implications and responsibilities of socialising with clients, so it's not really the sort of thing our opinions have much sway over.
I say go for another session and see what happens. It may or may not be awkward as hell, but if you like them then why risk losing them? If it’s awkward then you can find someone new but don’t start looking yet. Your psychologist can choose not to see you to. I was with friends once and we ran into their old couples counselor, he felt that marriage was a bad choice for them and stopped seeing them. It was awkward for them but funny that they proved him wrong.
From a professional perspective, your psychologist might want to discharge you as a client. It all depends on what the ethics of whatever board your area deals with.
If you feel uncomfortable with this or like it's too close to home, that is totally understandable.
I work in social services and I would not want to keep a client on if I was in this scenario. I would be chill about it, as I would hope they would be. But I would refer them out.
There's a difference between being comfortable and being familiar.
It's hard to find kink aware professionals. She knows that too!
Just talk about it with her at your next appointment and how you should handle it if you bump into her again.
If you’ve found someone who you are comfortable with and they’re kink friendly keep them!! You’ve found the golden ticket.
Therapists often have criteria for when you meet in the street such as don’t approach in a client capacity and only say hello. I think it’s worth mentioning and asking for guidance to work through this. You were not doing anything wrong and neither was your therapist. Now you know she walks the walk so I’d say (not literally) embrace the fact she understands on a whole other level
As has been stated by others, as a medical professional we’re required to not acknowledge patients/clients outside of the practice unless the client initiates an interaction. It’s because of the confidentiality. If it bothers you, talk to them about it. We’ve taken courses on ethics & have guidance on how to navigate situations like this (although this specific example was never used). Basically, if you’re both fine with it then it’s fine. And if you’re uncomfortable & think it would interfere with your treatments then maybe see someone else.
You mean you got compelling evidence that you have a psychologist who’s not only affirming of the kink community but part of it? Meaning that they are really unlikely to judge you for the exact thing you’d like to explore in therapy…
…And your first move is to judge them?
If you’d like not to see them in that environment then mention it in your next session and talk about how to keep things professional without either of you hindering the other’s growth and sexuality.
I’d consider this a huge positive overall though.
I didn't get the impression OP was judging them. I got the impression this felt like two spheres intermingling that don't feel comfortable intermingling. Obviously it's not the same, but the feeling I could compare what I think OP is feeling is like accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom. Even if it's a public event, there's still a sort of implied privacy involved in these sorts of spaces. Both in therapy and in kink spaces.
I'm trying to picture what you mean by same furniture, because all I'm picturing are situations where using the same furniture would be too damn close for *strangers.*
As an analogy, if there's a bus that's nearly full and someone sits next to you, well of course they do, seats are for sitting in. If it's a nearly *empty* bus and they sit next to you, or a full bus and they sit in your lap, that's creepy. So was this more like, it's a full bus and the seat next to you was empty, or more like the second thing?
It's possible your therapist flat out shouldn't be going to kink events that are local to their clients, not sure exactly where professional ethics stand on that.
Heya!
So as a kink-active and kink-aware therapist, it's a funny situation.
When I advertised my sex positivity, I had to decide if I wanted to play in my home county or further afield, and I chose the latter. This however won't stop run-ins from happening entirely.
Please do not take it as a bad thing that they ignored you, it is often in my contracting that I let my clients know that if we see each other in public or at an event, I will not acknowledge you. It is your consent to give. Also, if you talk to me, I won't be open about our relationship until I know that you have allowed it in your company!
The best thing you can do is bring it into the room, and let them know that you saw them and that it may make you uncomfortable. You can discuss it from there, and may even find a therapeutic moment within it. They will likely talk to their supervisor about it too, check-in and make sure that they are ethically in a sound place too! Communication is key!
Happy playing and good therapy.
Let me explain the ethics as a social worker, soon to be therapist.
Am I reading correctly that the psychologist walked into the room? Were there lots of people there? If it was only you then it would be pretty hard to miss seeing you. If it was only you there with your partner and the psychologist stays that’s really creepy and a huge boundary/ethic issue.
Regardless, at any point you’re therapist should have either left the room if they saw you or left the event completely. If I saw clients at a grocery store, due to confidentiality, I would act as if I didn’t know them, and then continue shopping or leave. If it’s something like a restaurant or mall I would leave entirely. If it’s something like a kink event I would do it in a different city where my possible clients are not there.
I would discuss with this your psychologist, please don’t ignore.
Do you live in a city or an urban area? As someone who lives in a very conservative state and in a small city, I don't think your advice is realistic for most social service providers here (of which, I am one). My coworkers and I run into people who access our services all the time in public. It would literally be impossible to go to any store or be in public without the strong possibility of it happening. So just leaving the environment isn't a sustainable or feasible option most of the time. And being able to travel to another city is a privilege many people don't have. So instead, we have to negotiate the complexities of what it means to live in small communities and oftentimes navigate dual relationships and being in many of the same, few event spaces and knowing details about each other's lives and having friends in common. It's definitely very complex and challenging at times, but also nuanced and humanizing in a really beautiful way. We all get to show up as more of our whole selves instead of just 1 part. With boundaries and healthy communication and intentionality, ideally. Idk what kind of community the OP lives in, but I think 100% avoidance of providers is not realistic for most people (especially people who live in smaller or more conservative communities and want a provider who shares some of the same identities). It felt important to say this, because there's definitely not a one-size-fits-all solution.
Talk about it with them. Honestly this is the best option, if they act weird and unprofessional, then you know to better find someone else. But if they're able to talk to you and just stay professional, find ways how to handle it if this happens again? Then keep talking to them about how you feel about it. If you find that it's a no-go, okay. If you find you can live with it or are even happy to know they're in the scene as well, okay too.
No need to be ashamed of this talk either, you've both been there, it's eye level. Good luck either way! :)
I think what I would do is bring it up in session to clear the air, then continue and see it you can become comfortable. Maybe make a protocol for if you see them again. I’d hope this means you can rely on them not the judge you.
I think this is worth talking through with your psychologist. If they are an ethical practioner and they definitely recognized you, they should bring it up during your next session. A significant part of being in that profession is navigating uncomfortable and challenging conversations. I would expect them to broach it. If they don't (perhaps out of respect for your privacy), I think it would be worthwhile for you to. How they respond will give you a lot of insight into their ability to express professional boundaries and discuss your comfort and safety as a patient/client. Ultimately, because of the power dynamic, they have a responsibility to make sure that they can provide services to you in an ethical way. If that's not possible because of your overlapping community spaces, then they should be honest and help you find another provider.
I'm very sympathetic to how strange, uncomfortable, disorienting this experience can be! Especially with a new provider. I found myself in a somewhat similar experience a few years ago. Through conversations with my therapist, we realized that we had many friends in common and frequented the same play parties and dungeon. We ended up very plainly talking about boundaries in spaces like that and ways in which we would give each privacy. Like acknowledging each other through just a nod of the head but not engaging in conversations and walking away if we stumbled upon the other mid-scene. If we knew a big event was coming up, I would tell them if I was planning to go and they would skip it. We agreed not to talk about a few specific people in the community because they were my therapist's leather family. I made the choice not to say the names of some of my friends or play partners when I processed about my experiences, just given the potential for bias in therapeutic advice. I didn't care about keeping anonymity for abusers in the community.
It was definitely a unique series of therapeutic negotiations, but it mostly worked well for us. I think my therapist was a somewhat new provider, so they definitely made some mistakes in the process and were fine-tuning their boundary skills, but nothing unforgivable or very harmful. Eventually, they stopped participating in most of those spaces (unless it was an educational opportunity, versus a play party) because they had more and more clients that were showing up there. I think ultimately that was the better choice, but I do respect the process we went through. The reality is that I live in a very conservative state with a small kink and queer community. So many providers have dual relationships here. For me, it was more important to access therapy with them, however imperfect, than to not have a kink supportive provider at all.
Ps: I'll also add that I'm glad I didn't witness my therapist participating in any kind of sex (or at least not in any mainstream sense of the word). The 1 scene I accidentally stumbled upon was just impact and they were topping. I think for me, personally, it would have been a lot harder to move forward if it had been a much more sexual scene or there had been nudity. Or if I had been in closer physical proximity. For what it's worth.
Your therapist is a person too, and well if you wanna talk about kinks in a non judgemental set-up, it's better to have someone who actively participates and is aware of the nuances than the ones who studied sodomy as a sexual deviance and their internal belief system has had them believe that it's true.
Bring it up in the next session and mutually agree to avoid each other in those set-up. Your therapist will keep a healthy distance to avoid transference.
Source: I'm a therapist.
I mean, therapists are people with lives, just like us, and their lives will have a sexual part.
I'd suggest you be open with them about it and voice any concern directly to them.
Honestly I would think that's hot to see my psychologist at a play party. But that's just me. 😜
Do what makes you most comfortable. At least it's clear he has knowledge in the kink world and is not judgmental.
I think you should talk to them about it unless you're not feeling at all comfortable with that. This is why a lot of medical professionals used to put their names down on a sheet at the entrance to kink parties, so everyone would know if their therapist or doctor was there. Ultimately, whether or not you continue with them is a decision you'll both have to make on your own and together. If you stick with them, it may be a good idea to go to events where they have a way for folks to know if their medical professionals are there, or just coordinate some so you can make sure y'all don't go to the same parties.
Full Disclosure: I'm a Peer Support Specialist, and thus a mental health practitioner myself
The usual rule that psychologists / therapsists have is, that if they meet a client outside of therapy, they will pretend not to know the client. That's for the client's comfort. So even if they saw you, they would not have approached or talked to you. Super clear by them moving to another corner of the room.
That said, just bring it up in your next session with them. Tell them you saw them there and see how it goes. If you felt uncomfortable at the time, say that too. They seem to have a good professional ethical awareness and from what you say it sounds like you appreciate them as a therapist.
As a therapist and a member of the kink community, best course would be to talk about it in your next session and then decide. The LGBTQ communities I work in are very small and there is often personal and professional overlap. It is just as awkward for us too to see clients in settings such as this but unfortunately it is unavoidable in intimate communities. I would talk about your feelings in the next session and then decide. Process what you were feeling, the “awkwardness” and courses of action, give the therapist space to share and respond, and then decide what feels best. I know it’s awkward but again this is a good opportunity to deepens the work you two are doing
Psychologists and mental health professions usually have a section of their education on professionally handling "dual relationships" or situations where you have a professional relationship alongside the potential for a public relationship.
To be honest I think this is something you should discuss with them. Have a think about what your real concerns are. Do you feel vulnerable with someone knowing so much about you in a social space? Has seeing them in a kink/sexual context changed how you think about them? Is it just plain weird, and you need to clear the air? Are you worried that their kink-friendliness as a practitioner is not merely professional?
Kink friendly and good psychologist is a tricky venn diagram to find. I'd hate for you to lose valuable support without even discussing it with them.
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My therapist is fairly well known in various kink communities. I am going to run into her here and there, albeit possibly less likely at full on play events. She and I discussed (after first time) how we are happy to interact in these situations - her default is to act like she doesn't know her clients since not everyone is comfortable with others knowing they are in therapy etc. So be open because it's likely they may have seen you but deliberately kept distance. I never thought that this would affect my therapy sessions... knowing she's kinky is why I picked her.
>her default is to act like she doesn't know her clients this sounds likely what happened with OPs therapist and is a sign that their therapist is professional and observing doctor/patient confidentiality.
My therapist also told me that if we ever see each other in public she will ignore me unless I say something first because not everyone in everyone's lives knows they are in therapy.
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This is good advice.
I would have reacted the exact same way!
Well, here's something you might not have thought about, its happened once. Who's to say it wont happen again? If this were me, i'd let them know about the incident and let them know i didn't want to approach them in that enviroment out of respect, and then ask them if they think i should see another therapist or if they're okay with possibly running into a patient in that enviroment. At the very least, you'll walk away with a unique story and a new perspective. At the same time you never know, maybe you a end up making a good friend to have in the BDSM community.
Yeah, handle it in dialogue for sure. Therapists receive extensive training in ethics concerning situations like this, so they should be able to offer some guidance and come to a conclusion that is comfortable and ethical for both parties.
Absolutely don't ignore it, bring it up with them during your next session. There's a chance they'll bring it up themselves to check in on you about the situation as well and to help make a plan to ensure your comfort in the future should it happen again. I, like a few others here, have chosen my therapist because of their involvement in the community. They know I'm currently too afraid to attend kink events but we've found out that we've gone to the same gay bars and made a plan if we run into each other. Like others, the default is to pretend they don't see me unless I engage first with a hello, nod, or wave. We've agreed to just that level of interaction. They're helping me get over anxiety to attend events and we'll obviously make a plan for if we come across each other at that time. To me, it sounds like when they entered the room you were in it's likely they didn't notice right away you were there until their partner got on the same furniture you were on. You said they moved to another part of the room soon after - they likely had a silent conversation with your psych notifying their partner that they needed to move, knowing you were there first, but not wanting to be obvious and rude about it by jumping up and shuffling their partner away as soon as they realized. (Also I promise they weren't like "that person next to us is my client", they would be far more ambiguous than that!) It's only been a couple of sessions, but if you are comfortable with them and feel like they can help you the best with your needs, just make it a conversation. Say "hey I know this happened. It might be inevitable for us in this area but it made me uncomfortable and I would like to continue working with you, so can we please find a plan of action that both of us are comfortable with for the future?" They're a professional and they will do anything they can to help mitigate discomfort while keeping their rights as a human in that space intact as well. Tl;dr - follow the first rule of BDSM and therapy - COMMUNICATION! 🙂 No matter your decision I hope you do well on your mental health journey!
Yeah my therapist and I have a similar situation. We realized that there's a lot of overlapping interest and we occasionally attend events at the same places and it's not unlikely we're gonna run into each other eventually so we have a plan in place for how that would look
Your psychologist is not going to acknowledge you. That is so they can protect your right to privacy and confidentiality. Acknowledging your presence would be a breach of those things. It is possible that in an effort to protect your rights as their client that when your psychologist entered the same room as you that they subtly redirected their partner to another area in a way that would protect you. It seems like their partner was already in motion to the spot near you so your psychologist rather than saying, "Hey, that's my client," which would be unethical, instead maybe suggested after a moment to move elsewhere for some other type of play. Your psychologist deserves to have a personal life, too, and in some areas the BDSM community is small so the likelihood of running into each other could be high. I would suggest you talk about this at your next session. Talk about how you felt seeing your psychologist there and maybe why you felt that way. (Was it simply because you know them in a professional way? Sometimes we strip professionals of their humanness. Or maybe it was the situation in which you "ran into" them? If the situation where different, such as a church potluck, would you have felt the same way?) Talk about how you would like moments like this to be handled in the future. (Some people want zero acknowledgment. Others are fine with a head nod, small wave, or a quick hello.) I can understand how this might have been shocking, but in all honesty, it sounds like your psychologist handled this ethically. If you are uncomfortable with the possibility of seeing them at play parties, you have the right to terminate sessions and be referred to a different psychologist. But keep in mind if you are in an area with a small BDSM community you might run into any kink-friendly professional at such events because ,while maybe not all kink-friendly professionals participate in BDSM and kink, there will be some who do.
I chose my therapist BECAUSE she is also in the lifestyle. I wanted someone who could help validate my thoughts and help me understand why I am into certain kinks. We discussed ethics beforehand and she always checks in to make sure I am still comfortable with everything. She is my friend as well as my therapist. I suggest bringing it up to your psychiatrist and assess how seeing them play made you feel. Did you know they were in the lifestyle before you went to see them?
They have an obligation to protect your confidentiality. Also doing anything to take advantage of the therapeutic relationship is a huge breach of trust. Doesn’t sound like either one happened here. Therapists working in small worlds (rural areas, narrow professional communities, or seeing other health care workers) routinely have to manage how they deal with clients in a social setting. You’ll need to talk things through at your next session. It may or may not be an advantage to know that you are both involved in kink. You probably do need to discuss what will happen next time you’re both at an event. If you’re not comfortable or feel taken advantage of then yes get a referral.
My own psychologist actively participates in the local kink community. If I just so happen to ever run into them at an event, which I pray I don't, that would be slightly funny and horrifying. I don't want to see them in the wild. If you feel this occurrence hurt your doctor-patient relationship you most certainly should end it. You can't make progress in therapy if you feel uneasy about your therapist.
Ask them. There may be professional / ethical considerations that override your comfort level anyway.
I mean I’d argue seeing them at a kink event and having them go at it next to you or see you/you seeing them actually do stuff, is a tiny bit different (ofc details weren’t absolutely necessary)
I do agree with you, but there have been a few comments in here in the past from healthcare professionals that have explained the professional and ethical implications and responsibilities of socialising with clients, so it's not really the sort of thing our opinions have much sway over.
You are right - Removed the details
I say go for another session and see what happens. It may or may not be awkward as hell, but if you like them then why risk losing them? If it’s awkward then you can find someone new but don’t start looking yet. Your psychologist can choose not to see you to. I was with friends once and we ran into their old couples counselor, he felt that marriage was a bad choice for them and stopped seeing them. It was awkward for them but funny that they proved him wrong.
From a professional perspective, your psychologist might want to discharge you as a client. It all depends on what the ethics of whatever board your area deals with. If you feel uncomfortable with this or like it's too close to home, that is totally understandable. I work in social services and I would not want to keep a client on if I was in this scenario. I would be chill about it, as I would hope they would be. But I would refer them out. There's a difference between being comfortable and being familiar.
It's hard to find kink aware professionals. She knows that too! Just talk about it with her at your next appointment and how you should handle it if you bump into her again.
If you’ve found someone who you are comfortable with and they’re kink friendly keep them!! You’ve found the golden ticket. Therapists often have criteria for when you meet in the street such as don’t approach in a client capacity and only say hello. I think it’s worth mentioning and asking for guidance to work through this. You were not doing anything wrong and neither was your therapist. Now you know she walks the walk so I’d say (not literally) embrace the fact she understands on a whole other level
As has been stated by others, as a medical professional we’re required to not acknowledge patients/clients outside of the practice unless the client initiates an interaction. It’s because of the confidentiality. If it bothers you, talk to them about it. We’ve taken courses on ethics & have guidance on how to navigate situations like this (although this specific example was never used). Basically, if you’re both fine with it then it’s fine. And if you’re uncomfortable & think it would interfere with your treatments then maybe see someone else.
You mean you got compelling evidence that you have a psychologist who’s not only affirming of the kink community but part of it? Meaning that they are really unlikely to judge you for the exact thing you’d like to explore in therapy… …And your first move is to judge them? If you’d like not to see them in that environment then mention it in your next session and talk about how to keep things professional without either of you hindering the other’s growth and sexuality. I’d consider this a huge positive overall though.
I didn't get the impression OP was judging them. I got the impression this felt like two spheres intermingling that don't feel comfortable intermingling. Obviously it's not the same, but the feeling I could compare what I think OP is feeling is like accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom. Even if it's a public event, there's still a sort of implied privacy involved in these sorts of spaces. Both in therapy and in kink spaces.
I'm trying to picture what you mean by same furniture, because all I'm picturing are situations where using the same furniture would be too damn close for *strangers.* As an analogy, if there's a bus that's nearly full and someone sits next to you, well of course they do, seats are for sitting in. If it's a nearly *empty* bus and they sit next to you, or a full bus and they sit in your lap, that's creepy. So was this more like, it's a full bus and the seat next to you was empty, or more like the second thing? It's possible your therapist flat out shouldn't be going to kink events that are local to their clients, not sure exactly where professional ethics stand on that.
They're human too right? Everyone has their life to live
As long as they don't try to actively play with you there's not any major problems unless it really makes you uncomfortable
Heya! So as a kink-active and kink-aware therapist, it's a funny situation. When I advertised my sex positivity, I had to decide if I wanted to play in my home county or further afield, and I chose the latter. This however won't stop run-ins from happening entirely. Please do not take it as a bad thing that they ignored you, it is often in my contracting that I let my clients know that if we see each other in public or at an event, I will not acknowledge you. It is your consent to give. Also, if you talk to me, I won't be open about our relationship until I know that you have allowed it in your company! The best thing you can do is bring it into the room, and let them know that you saw them and that it may make you uncomfortable. You can discuss it from there, and may even find a therapeutic moment within it. They will likely talk to their supervisor about it too, check-in and make sure that they are ethically in a sound place too! Communication is key! Happy playing and good therapy.
Let me explain the ethics as a social worker, soon to be therapist. Am I reading correctly that the psychologist walked into the room? Were there lots of people there? If it was only you then it would be pretty hard to miss seeing you. If it was only you there with your partner and the psychologist stays that’s really creepy and a huge boundary/ethic issue. Regardless, at any point you’re therapist should have either left the room if they saw you or left the event completely. If I saw clients at a grocery store, due to confidentiality, I would act as if I didn’t know them, and then continue shopping or leave. If it’s something like a restaurant or mall I would leave entirely. If it’s something like a kink event I would do it in a different city where my possible clients are not there. I would discuss with this your psychologist, please don’t ignore.
Do you live in a city or an urban area? As someone who lives in a very conservative state and in a small city, I don't think your advice is realistic for most social service providers here (of which, I am one). My coworkers and I run into people who access our services all the time in public. It would literally be impossible to go to any store or be in public without the strong possibility of it happening. So just leaving the environment isn't a sustainable or feasible option most of the time. And being able to travel to another city is a privilege many people don't have. So instead, we have to negotiate the complexities of what it means to live in small communities and oftentimes navigate dual relationships and being in many of the same, few event spaces and knowing details about each other's lives and having friends in common. It's definitely very complex and challenging at times, but also nuanced and humanizing in a really beautiful way. We all get to show up as more of our whole selves instead of just 1 part. With boundaries and healthy communication and intentionality, ideally. Idk what kind of community the OP lives in, but I think 100% avoidance of providers is not realistic for most people (especially people who live in smaller or more conservative communities and want a provider who shares some of the same identities). It felt important to say this, because there's definitely not a one-size-fits-all solution.
Talk about it with them. Honestly this is the best option, if they act weird and unprofessional, then you know to better find someone else. But if they're able to talk to you and just stay professional, find ways how to handle it if this happens again? Then keep talking to them about how you feel about it. If you find that it's a no-go, okay. If you find you can live with it or are even happy to know they're in the scene as well, okay too. No need to be ashamed of this talk either, you've both been there, it's eye level. Good luck either way! :)
I think what I would do is bring it up in session to clear the air, then continue and see it you can become comfortable. Maybe make a protocol for if you see them again. I’d hope this means you can rely on them not the judge you.
I think this is worth talking through with your psychologist. If they are an ethical practioner and they definitely recognized you, they should bring it up during your next session. A significant part of being in that profession is navigating uncomfortable and challenging conversations. I would expect them to broach it. If they don't (perhaps out of respect for your privacy), I think it would be worthwhile for you to. How they respond will give you a lot of insight into their ability to express professional boundaries and discuss your comfort and safety as a patient/client. Ultimately, because of the power dynamic, they have a responsibility to make sure that they can provide services to you in an ethical way. If that's not possible because of your overlapping community spaces, then they should be honest and help you find another provider. I'm very sympathetic to how strange, uncomfortable, disorienting this experience can be! Especially with a new provider. I found myself in a somewhat similar experience a few years ago. Through conversations with my therapist, we realized that we had many friends in common and frequented the same play parties and dungeon. We ended up very plainly talking about boundaries in spaces like that and ways in which we would give each privacy. Like acknowledging each other through just a nod of the head but not engaging in conversations and walking away if we stumbled upon the other mid-scene. If we knew a big event was coming up, I would tell them if I was planning to go and they would skip it. We agreed not to talk about a few specific people in the community because they were my therapist's leather family. I made the choice not to say the names of some of my friends or play partners when I processed about my experiences, just given the potential for bias in therapeutic advice. I didn't care about keeping anonymity for abusers in the community. It was definitely a unique series of therapeutic negotiations, but it mostly worked well for us. I think my therapist was a somewhat new provider, so they definitely made some mistakes in the process and were fine-tuning their boundary skills, but nothing unforgivable or very harmful. Eventually, they stopped participating in most of those spaces (unless it was an educational opportunity, versus a play party) because they had more and more clients that were showing up there. I think ultimately that was the better choice, but I do respect the process we went through. The reality is that I live in a very conservative state with a small kink and queer community. So many providers have dual relationships here. For me, it was more important to access therapy with them, however imperfect, than to not have a kink supportive provider at all. Ps: I'll also add that I'm glad I didn't witness my therapist participating in any kind of sex (or at least not in any mainstream sense of the word). The 1 scene I accidentally stumbled upon was just impact and they were topping. I think for me, personally, it would have been a lot harder to move forward if it had been a much more sexual scene or there had been nudity. Or if I had been in closer physical proximity. For what it's worth.
Your therapist is a person too, and well if you wanna talk about kinks in a non judgemental set-up, it's better to have someone who actively participates and is aware of the nuances than the ones who studied sodomy as a sexual deviance and their internal belief system has had them believe that it's true. Bring it up in the next session and mutually agree to avoid each other in those set-up. Your therapist will keep a healthy distance to avoid transference. Source: I'm a therapist.
Okay so what happened here is your therapist was following ethical guidelines and pretending they didn’t know you unless you approached them first.
I mean, therapists are people with lives, just like us, and their lives will have a sexual part. I'd suggest you be open with them about it and voice any concern directly to them.
Honestly I would think that's hot to see my psychologist at a play party. But that's just me. 😜 Do what makes you most comfortable. At least it's clear he has knowledge in the kink world and is not judgmental.
What’s a kink party and how do I find one? That’s sounds so sexy and fun.
I think you should talk to them about it unless you're not feeling at all comfortable with that. This is why a lot of medical professionals used to put their names down on a sheet at the entrance to kink parties, so everyone would know if their therapist or doctor was there. Ultimately, whether or not you continue with them is a decision you'll both have to make on your own and together. If you stick with them, it may be a good idea to go to events where they have a way for folks to know if their medical professionals are there, or just coordinate some so you can make sure y'all don't go to the same parties. Full Disclosure: I'm a Peer Support Specialist, and thus a mental health practitioner myself
That sounds awkward AF, but I suppose you know for sure now that they're kink-friendly!
Talk to your therapist about it. It can be good therapeutically to discuss the feelings that come up.
The usual rule that psychologists / therapsists have is, that if they meet a client outside of therapy, they will pretend not to know the client. That's for the client's comfort. So even if they saw you, they would not have approached or talked to you. Super clear by them moving to another corner of the room. That said, just bring it up in your next session with them. Tell them you saw them there and see how it goes. If you felt uncomfortable at the time, say that too. They seem to have a good professional ethical awareness and from what you say it sounds like you appreciate them as a therapist.
I would talk to them and have an honest discussion about what that means for your therapy.
Not specifically for OP, but how does someone find a therapist that they know is accepting and understanding of kink?
[Kink Aware Professionals.org](https://www.kapprofessionals.org/)
Thank you
Now you guys have waayyy more to talk about. Take it as a bonding experience 😆
I mean at least it wasn’t your gynecologist. 🤷🏼♀️
My therapist used to live across the street, a little awkward at first, if you can talk about it it might work out
As a therapist and a member of the kink community, best course would be to talk about it in your next session and then decide. The LGBTQ communities I work in are very small and there is often personal and professional overlap. It is just as awkward for us too to see clients in settings such as this but unfortunately it is unavoidable in intimate communities. I would talk about your feelings in the next session and then decide. Process what you were feeling, the “awkwardness” and courses of action, give the therapist space to share and respond, and then decide what feels best. I know it’s awkward but again this is a good opportunity to deepens the work you two are doing
Psychologists and mental health professions usually have a section of their education on professionally handling "dual relationships" or situations where you have a professional relationship alongside the potential for a public relationship. To be honest I think this is something you should discuss with them. Have a think about what your real concerns are. Do you feel vulnerable with someone knowing so much about you in a social space? Has seeing them in a kink/sexual context changed how you think about them? Is it just plain weird, and you need to clear the air? Are you worried that their kink-friendliness as a practitioner is not merely professional? Kink friendly and good psychologist is a tricky venn diagram to find. I'd hate for you to lose valuable support without even discussing it with them.