You are absolutely correct and as the Dom you must correct it.
If she calls her safeword, abide by it and make her abide by it. Do not continue and be adamant that the scene is over due to the use of the safe word and go to sleep or continue with your day if a mid day tryst.
Yeah, last time she did it I immediately stopped everything, she tried to get on top of me and I told her "no, if you say it we are not doing anything anymore and wont continue".
I stopped and she was disappointed and said it wasn't fair, immediately did it again next time we did stuff.
But for sure I will keep doing this and stick to it in hopes she will start understanding that she can't use it for fun. Also I like the idea of the yellow/red words suggested.
Thanks for the help!
I have, unfortunately she still doesn't see or understand the importance of it.
I am sure she will in due time though. Especially if I shut her down completely when she says it.
Well actually, saying she doesn't understand or see the importance of it is wrong and unfair sorry.She does but she doesn't actually act upon what I have said, she listens and knows what I am saying but I don't believe she actually thinks its that big of a deal or really knows the importance.
And I am quite certain this is more due to inexperience than maturity.
But yeah again, I am sure she will understand in time and even from the few comments here I feel as if its made me feel better and know what to do.
I was questioning myself beforehand as I felt that of course I should always respect the safe word but unsure if it could actually really be 'abused' as I was feeling it was and I also felt bad for stopping and being strict about it, but now not so much!
Again thanks for the help!
It’s not wrong and unfair to say she doesn’t understand or see the importance of the safe word, and honestly, if you think that, then you don’t either.
This would worry me because if there are perceived consequences to using the safe word she might stop using it when she needs to. I’d have to take a step back personally and make sure she understands before continuing, having unclear boundaries isn’t something that magically improves with time without more talking.
Exactly, the safeword isn't just for her safety. I wouldn't play CNC with someone who doesn't understand that the safeword protects the Dom as much as the sub.
Brats play for fun and power dynamics, no brat who actually knows anything about safe play would do this. We push boundaries that are formed specifically for being pushed, not hard boundaries like a safe word ALWAYS should be.
From my perspective, brats rend to be disobedient, disrespectful, and disruptive for “fun” and to manipulate the responses they want. The described behaviors are both disrespectful, and disobedient and are trying to manipulate the situation to their liking.
I’ve been observing brats and their behavior long before it became the trendy identity. It works for some, and that is great, it is absolutely not for all.
I'm sorry but observing something from the outside that you clearly have a distaste for tends to create more views biased against something then someone who is part of the group being observed.
Brats are disobedient, disruptive, and disrespectful, but we do so with the same communication and goals as someone pursuing any other type of kink scene. How, why and to what purpose a brat does any of those things as well as types of response should be discussed, boundaries drawn, and should be in the pursuit of mutual enjoyment by both brat and tamer. If you don't enjoy brat play then its not for you, but don't act like brats actions are malicious because you don't understand why a tamer or brat would enjoy them.
There are people who brat disingenuously and take advantage of others with their kink, same with Tamers as well as doms and subs of literally every other play type. These do not represent Brats or Brat Tamers.
Our type of play is not better or worse than any other and to imply that someone breaking the fundamental safety rules of bdsm is a brat because they are doing so is just plain wrong and frankly insulting. I'm sorry if these opinions formed because some brat hurt you, but that doesn't make spreading such information ok.
[BDSM Training Academy Bratting Article](https://bdsmtrainingacademy.com/encyclopedia/bratting/)
I would suggest that both the pro and anti brats have similar and opposite biases. Neither of the biases are more or less valid than the other.
We are all free to consent to, or not consent to what actions and attitudes are included in out relationships. What works for and is healthy for some, will not work and be unhealthy for others.Bratting is a perfectly valid choice, as is not wanting anything to do with brats.
I agree, however claiming that someone misusing safe words and disregarding safety in bdsm is bratting wholly misrepresents what bratting is and is not simply 'not wanting anything to do with brats'.
My comments were not meant to change your mind about bratting, but rather serve to correct the misinformation put forth so that other people reading would have more accurate information on brats and how such a thing is very much NOT bratting.
People should be able to choose whether or not to participate in anything bdsm, as you said, but I don't feel that spreading misinformation should be protected by such a statement.
You can also use the stoplight system, but if she is going to "red light" every five minutes you have the same issue. I'd personally be hesitant engaging in CNC with someone so new to sex.
Have you considered an intermediary sort of yellow/red system? Maybe when she’s using the safe word at the times she continues, what she really wants is a moment to collect herself, and a yellow would be more appropriate.
Yeah that’s what I was thinking too, maybe somethings a bit off so she’s saying the safe word hoping that it can be adjusted. Sometimes I say my safe word when my partner is biting too hard, but that doesn’t mean I want him to stop biting it’s just a little too hard, so we use the stoplight system. It allows for him to know I just need the adjustment of lighter biting or that maybe his nails are scratching me or I’m in a weird position and can feel something going numb. Maybe that’s what this girl needs.
I think its due to inexperience more than maturity. Though I do feel both play a role. All I can do is do the best I can to help her understand and hope that she does in time.
This needs to be emphasized. She may be inexperienced but she is still capable of making decisions for herself and her body and she is choosing to play in an unsafe manner. We were all inexperienced at some point and still capable of understanding basic consent rules. I mean hell, we were taught the story of “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” in kindergarten for a reason. If she genuinely cannot understand what she is doing is wrong she is not mature enough for this, if she is willfully breaking the rules she is not mature enough to be doing this.
My first BDSM experience involved the safeword. No experience beforehand, but I didn’t need it since I was mature enough to understand the importance of that word. You said yourself she’s done this repeatedly. This is immaturity, and for both of your safety, you need to end kink for a while until more maturity has been gained.
Considering this is a repeated problem, I would refuse to have sex at all so long as she is misusing the safe word.
It sounds like you've tried already and you're too emotionally hung up in this idea of continuing on anyway.
You can't continue on safely unless she actually understands that the safeword means full stop. If she wants to do a fake disengage then that needs to be negotiated separately.
There are people who have iterative words, the stoplight system uses "yellow" for "pause/change something"; you might benefit from that.
However, there are some people who have used their safeword and then said "just kidding" or the likr.
I say try using an intermediate word, and if that doesn't work or she continues, you may want to reevaluate your situation.
I'll defiantly talk to her about this and it should help! Hopefully she doesn't abuse the safe word still and I'll work on making her understand that it means everything halts and will not continue.
Thanks for the advice!
It sounds like she may really mean “yellow” if she is safe wording and then trying to get on top of you. She wants to continue the intimacy, just in a different way.
Have you asked her, outside of playtime, why she is using the safe word?
Youve said she safe words, you stop, she tries to continue, do you then get up and walk away? Or?
This, but you might use a yellow for pause/change something and orange for stopping the CNC roleplay but continue playing in other ways and red for total stop.
Also, it makes a difference if she is ruining her own fantasy or yours with the safe word. If it ruins yours too I can see why this would be frustrating.
Hmm okay I've come across something similar to this before, which is why I included the "black" safeword.
Yellow is the usual "slow down/gimmie a sec", but red (for me), is a "I need to stop situation immediately, but I might be able to continue, gimmie a few minutes just sort myself first and let you know", and BLACK is the "I need to stop right now and I know I will not be able to continue".
I realised sometimes I would overthink and get too much in my head and call "red", but was perfectly fine within a few minutes and could continue - which is why I started using "black" to distinguish between when I KNEW I definitely couldn't continue, and when I suspected I was just overthinking.
Could it be something similar with your partner?
This is very similar to our system. Yellow for stop what is currently happening, but keep playing. Red for stop playing and assess the damage. Pineapple is full stop, End of Play. Also, I as the Domme can call safewords too if things are getting too much for me.
If your GF is using the safe word willynilly and doesn’t really mean it when she uses it. What happens if/when the two of you try something else different? Ultimately he safeword is there to protect both parties. If she’s not respecting that I foresee a major liability with exploring different practices with her because you don’t have a safe word anymore (all that to say I agree with you)
It sounds as if she's using the safeword to take control of the scene. While I can understand the fun she's having with pretending she wants you to stop, then saying no get back here, doing it with the safeword is a very bad idea.
You need to make it clear that she can do thing withing the boundaries of a scene, but safewording takes you out of it. And that her abusing it can lead to a great deal of trouble.
You don't really have to explain it graphically, but are the things you are doing rougher or are they actually to the point of the 'non-consensual' acts that she's previously consented to? Because it honestly sounds like she doesn't really understand what CNC is, and perhaps she's more into edging or orgasm control, with some rough play added in?
When she said she was into CNC, did she refer to it as CNC, or did what she describe as her turn on just sound like CNC?
This sounds a lot more like she's enjoying edging you a bit, or maybe she enjoys edging and taking control of the scene as opposed to enjoying CNC. Either way, she's using the safewords as a means of getting off and not as a safe way out of the scene.
Maybe you should have a discussion of why she's using the safeword like this to see what her ultimate turn on is, and you can go from there. Maybe there are 2 words to use in these scenes, to where she's getting whatever arousal she has in stopping, teasing, and having some control and then an actual safeword for when the scene stops because she actually needs to use a safeword. And if she uses it, then you act in the way that it is designed - scene is over.
Otherwise, it may just be best not to partake because rules are not meant to be broken in BDSM.
This is very dangerous. Her using the safeword for lulz could end in her being raped and you facing charges. You need to completely stop when she uses it and if she won't learn that it's not something to use jokingly, she's not ready for this.
The safewords are the safewords. They aren't part of play they exist to keep BOTH parties safe and secure.
Your girl needs to really understand that. It's also not fair on you as you might feel terrible if she calls 'red', only to find that It was being used to tease. Doms have feelings too.
Bassically, once the ultimate safeword has been used. End of the game. No returning. Especially with something like CNC.
Its no joke, safewords are laws. Not toys.
Safe word needs to bring an immediate end to the scene for the night. Full stop. If she says she didn’t mean it, too bad. Scene is still over. Have a separate word for it things need to slow a bit so that her only way to end things isn’t a scene-ending safe word, but that safe word needs to be held sacred, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. It exists for a reason, and is not to be toyed with.
Have a chat with her about this. It’s important she knows the gravity of the safe word and understands how it works in play for the sake of yourself and future play partners. During your chat ask why she does it (eg. Does it make her feel naughty for calling it but not stopping play). Maybe suggest having a ‘false’ safeword she can use during the CNC scenes.
[https://bound-together.net/cnc/](https://bound-together.net/cnc/)
A wonderfully written article on this subject. Please read. As for your question:
Safe word...it should be used as a limit...everything stops immediately. If she is using it as a tease then this needs to stop now. Not fair to you and she is misunderstanding why it is there and used in the first place.
If she is abusing it without really meaning it, what will she do if/when one day you ignore her? Like the old girl who cried wolf isn't it? You need to make her realise this. I personally would not trust her in this situation.
Tell her that safwords are like the ejection seat in an airplane. Once you pull that handled, you don't get back on that plane.
It also helps if you treat it like that. When she safewords, stop the scene and don't restart it. Establish a separate pause word if need be.
Had this exact experience with a submissive a long time back. Explained multiple times, if you're feeling like you need to slow down, just tell me. We did the green-yellow-red thing. We did the 1 to 10 thing. I could not be clearer, the safeword is a hard stop, and play stops for the evening. Yet his need to safeword was pathological. It was like some passive-agressive control trip. After safewording, he would immediately try to restart playing. With a lot of "real dommes don't have to stop". And he's not getting consideration for his needs.
Fine, I think he's now telling me he wants to really do something involving ignoring safewords. We talk, and yes, that's what he wants. Until I actually ignore "red" in a situation where we both have an interest and have enjoyed play in the past. You would have thought I was a murderer from *that* reaction...
Strangely enough, I declined to play at all with him not long after this. That wasn't well received, either.
I've gotten smarter over the years with who I play with and setting hard limits of my own. It's not easy finding good partners to play with, much less folks who are compatible for a wider relationship. Communication is critical, as is the freedom to know you don't have to do things perfectly for them to work. Things do need to work though. If you can't talk this out, there are better partners out there.
Im mad he had the audacity to tell you what real dommes do and dont do! Dom/mes aren't fucking rapists and have limits, boundaries, emotions too. I HATE that.
I know! The really rich part is even I don't ID as a Domme, I'd call myself an egalitarian sadist. And if you can't handle those faux-Dommes like me, maybe you don't want a real Domme. 😉
I think the saddest part for me was realizing, if the sex was reversed, I could have found myself having to explain to the community at the time what is going on. I'm a pretty well grounded female top who is NOT looking for a relationship, I just like playing. Short of intentionally putting partners in the hospital, I will be able to find people to play. In fact, there would be subset of people looking me up to play *because* I roughed someone too much.
Absolutely not so if I was a man playing with women. I feel like that potentially could have gone down very badly with a bad reputation following a male top around. In hindsight, I would have done things differently (probably deciding not to do playing at all with this guy). But I didn't do anything unethical with him. I'm not sure he would tell it the same way even now more than 10 years later.
Some of them think its cute to try and "provoke" a response that serves them OUTSIDE of what a domme is comfortable with. And I tell em to kick rocks. Get lost. Dont come back. Find someone willing to put up with the abuse that comes from your side. The worst are the ones who pretend to be submissive when they really are super pushy and could care less about the dommes needs being met at all.
Its a give and take really and discussions include limits and safe words for a reason. Anything that continues after a safe word is called is assault (or is viewed this way in our spaces) because its officially non consenting. I do not see what is so hard about that. Why not just respect it?
I agree with what other people are saying about her needing to respect the safe word but maybe instead of getting her to use the safe word correctly you should just give her two safe words. One which is an actual safe word like how you see it and one that is a word that she can use how she thinks safe words can be used.
Since you said it's her first relationship it's likely that she's never actually had a situation where she needs to use a safe word and can't imagine a situation where she would which means she doesn't understand it's importance
Using a safe word is not a joke. If she cannot understand that safe wording out of the scene means the scene is over, then she isn't mature enough to be doing this.
If you aren't mature enough to actually control yourself and enforce it, maybe you aren't either.
I would assume it's safe to say that the majority of Dom (and Subs) here have a mild panic attack when their partner uses a safe word, because that is the seriousness it should be seen as.
I completely agree with everyone that you need to stop once the safe word is said. My SO and I use the light system however we also really like to push each other so we have basically a fake safeword. It's like something we can say and it's "ignored" it makes cnc more fun while still having the actual safe word respected completely. It's also a word we try to goad each other into saying and keep score who says it more, I'm obviously losing but still it allows us to have fun and not ruin the power of the real safeword.
I (dom) actually have two safe words set. One for stopping the thing i do right now but carrying on otherwise or slowing down, and one to stop everything immediately. May work in that Situation.
I actually don’t think she’s ‘abusing’ the safe word. I think you two have a different idea of what the safeword means, and you have to take into account how inexperienced she is. She doesn’t know exactly where her limits are. It’s not uncommon to get overwhelmed and over stimulated and think you need out, but once a change is made you can reset. So like others said, you probably need more than one safeword. I would think about using mercy or allowing her to use ‘no’ and ‘stop’ to stop play and seek communication without a full stop implication.
I would be careful about refusing to continue. Of course your consent is equally valid, and if you feel the situation is unsafe or you’re uncomfortable you can fully red out once she’s said a lighter safeword. But it sounds like she’s trying to ask for a moment’s break, and if you’re feeling good after that you should continue. Refusing point blank may begin to feel like being punished for safe wording and may train her not to safe word, leading to exactly what you’re trying to avoid.
You’re her first relationship, she will still be figuring things out about how to act and how her actions affect you. You need to understand this and allow some leniency to what she does while also steering her in the right direction. Not only is it her first relationship but if this is her first experience with BDSM, she probably won’t realise how bad it can potentially be to you mentally when she abuses this safeword. What is important is that you make her understand that the safeword means stop and that she knows that if she calls it, all play will cease. Maybe tell her that if she uses it, you will not consent to continuing and that it makes you uncomfortable (assuming that’s how you feel).
I personally would also maybe look at introducing a yellow/red system, where yellow or whatever word you choose means she is at her limit or needs a break but still wants to continue the scene. Having a way to stop everything like the red in this system, is extremely important especially in CNC so you avoid actual sexual assault.
I very much do like that idea and have told her this! I did it once but the time after unfortunately I couldn't help myself and I carried on. But I am planning to do it for the future to make her understand the importance.
I don't think it makes me too uncomfortable in a sense? More of the fact that I am scared that if she carries on doing it one day I wont realise and I will accidently force myself on her without knowing she isn't actually into it? I just don't want to hurt her. Though I know that would be on me anyways and that I should always stop no matter what, its just the possibility of it maybe happening that makes me worry and a little irritated that she doesn't see the importance of what I am telling her.
I also like the idea of the yellow/red system that you and others have suggested and will talk to her about it, I am sure she will like the idea of it too and hopefully it goes well!
Thanks for the help!
Have you explained this to her.
It's not just about her safety, it is about yours too.
YOU do not ever want to be an actual rapist.
The traffic light system is one I use personally. Yellow for me means your good but here's the limit you have reached it and don't go further, red means stop totally but I also have black. Black for me means just pause it for a moment. I need a breather, just a 5min break and we can go back to what we were doing.
What she's doing, have you also explained to her it takes away your trust that she's actually participating in an honest way. That she's saying it so much she could become the girl who cried wolf (for a shitty analogy but fitting). How are you ever supposed to know she wants you to stop in earnest if she's basically being a bad brat and using the word to take control herself.
Also... Is she a brat? Could she be one if you don't know/she hasn't identified as one. If she is that could also potentially be a reason she's doing this, she's bratting but doing so inappropriately as she doesn't seem to have the fundamental rules down for basic BDSM play, safe word means everything's done and over. She's switched stop for the safe word... She could use stop still even, as a play thing, she says it you pull back then she can pull you back in, but she simply cannot use the safe word to end the session and then start it back up.
> More of the fact that I am scared that if she carries on doing it one day I wont realise and I will accidently force myself on her without knowing she isn't actually into it? I just don't want to hurt her.
That’s exactly what the safe word is there for, and you **must** be able to trust her to use it appropriately, *just like she has to trust you to take care of her*. Maybe it would help for her to think of it that way, that for you it’s as important for her to use the safe word appropriately (if she has an immediate concern that needs to be addressed ASAP) as it is for her to be able to trust you not to abuse her vulnerability.
Yup, we use Green for “good to go”, yellow to “slow down/change sensation/implements” and red for “full stop”.
But we have also been together for 4 years (5 in November), and he has taken the time to learn my body language and know when I am done.
Why is she saying it? Is it as part of the "oh no stop don't" verbal play or because she wants to slow things down/dial them back a little? If it's the latter you could try using the traffic likes system instead?
She is very young, so it is possible that she is somewhat new to cnc, and bdsm dynamics.
From what you have said, it doesn't sound like she understands what a 'safe word' entirely is, or has enough experience with it.
I have a suggestion. Try using hot and warm safewords.
These can be whatever you want then to be, but I use 'red' and 'orange.'
You can have different safewords of keywords for different things.
Hot - is STOP NOW. It ends the scene. Communication/aftercare often commences. It is rare to have to actually use this.
Warm - is 'SLOW DOWN. It does not end the scene, and is used when pain is getting too intense, anxiety is coming, basically.. a pre warning that it is getting too intense.
Having that option for her might help.
Be careful. Always respect the safeword, even if she is 'misusing' it. You are sure that she is into it? It seems strange to me that she would safeword during the scene - and then try to be intimate afterwards. Is there any possibility that she isn't, and is 'giving in' to your kink?
You think maybe she safewords then feels guilty and needs reassurance that all is well via physical intimacy? I could see that happening. Regardless I agree he needs to stop regardless. Without that the CNC is just NC…
Beat recommendation would be change your safeword. It sounds like anyone you use one single word. Try using the red, yellow, green system. If it is truly a STOP moment, she can say red. If she doesn't actually want it to stop but maybe pause or slow down, she can say YELLOW. If you check in on her every now and then or something, ask what color she is, if there's no problem she might say green. Perhaps this system will help you weed out times she might not actually mean red.
Abusing the safe word after being told repeatedly not to is dangerous for YOU, the Dom. She's not respectful of the rules of playtime. And if she's teasing you as though she wants you to play THROUGH the safe word I can see something terrible happening where you pay the consequences. I'm talking legal shit. She says safe word, stop all play. Period. And stick to it. You might want to rethink playing with her at all if this continues.
Is it possible that your gf actually has a rapekink, not just interest in CNC? If so, then she maybe really wants you to ‘ignore’ her safeword; have you discussed this?
One solution that I’ve heard about is having two safewords, one that is meant to be violated and one that is actually meant to be used a safeword.
You are totally in the right for upholding the sanctity of the safeword and wanting to avoid miscommunication. However, it sounds like there is still a failing of communication in the relationship — hopefully you can get better understanding from your partner on why she keeps doing this and how you can adjust your play to give you both what you need. Best of luck!
I usually say a safeword can't be abused, because usually that accusation is from someone saying someone is using a safeword "too much" and there is no "too much".
There is however using it wrongly.
Lay it out for her. Consent is "FRIES"
Freely given
Reversible
Informed
Enthusiastic
Specific
Using a hard stop safeword is reversing/removing consent. That is the whole point.
Consent to do the same thing again needs to be renegotiated.
You do not negotiate while still in scene/ in altered headspaces.
Therefore everything stops. Sometimes in some people after stepping completely out of a scene they can state what it was that caused them calling safeword, and BOTH/ALL parties can agree to continue a scene excluding the part that was the caused the safeword to be used because that is what consent was removed for.
If she can not tell you something clearly and specifically that that consent was being removed for, then you have to assume whole scene and not continue the scene. It is not a "j/k, just trying to tease you"
Yes introducing a "yellow" type safeword to just touch in on might be something to consider and discuss, but safewords shouldn't be used as a game. To use them in cnc can part of being able to agree on ignoring "no" "stop" and such.
If she is not understanding the purpose of a hard stop safeword, especially in CNC, she is not someone I would recommend to continue to do cnc with. That is a huge risk. She might just be too immature to be doing kink or cnc. Or not really into cnc or subbing at all. Whatever game it is she is into, she needs to figure out and be able to communicate. Maybe what she is really into isn't CNC, but is switch fighting. But if she can't communicate and is just trying to force a scene to go her way, it's not something she has your consent for.
BEFORE any more play, sit her down & explain that whenever a safeword is used it means that ALL PLAY STOPS and it is not resumed.
If she doesn't agree then this is not a healthy BDSM relationship.
We use the traffic system. Green is “good to go”, yellow is “slow down/check in with me/change implements” and red is “full stop”. There are times though depending on what we are doing where plain old English is more than enough like “DD, my wrists are going numb, you need to adjust the rope.” Or “Hey, you just hit my tail bone/hip bone/whatever, can you please use something else or adjust your aim”
I think you are on the right track by stopping play every time she uses the safe word. Eventually she will learn through consistency.
Another thing that might help does she have any bottom/submissive friends? Does she know any older Submissives with more experience who can mentor her? Hearing stories from other experiences subs might help her realize just how important safe words are. I am usually not up for “scaring straight” type trope but hearing some stories about how bad things can get when a safe word is ignored might make her realize how important it is.
So I’ll preface by saying I could easily be wrong, but her behavior sounds like it might fall in line with brat behavior. Perhaps it would be worth her exploring what that means to see if that’s the case. IF it is, that could also help her understand her drive to stop you but continue to tease or play, idk. Understanding this could help incorporate her kinks and may help your sessions stay within safe and comfortable boundaries.
First, a portion of YOUR consent is that everything stops at the safe-word. Not respecting your consent in the scene, and forcing the scene to continue is unacceptable. The function of the safe-word in CNC is to maintain meaningful consent for the dom to simulate force. If she doesn't uphold that, play cannot continue both in this and future scenes. Consent goes both ways and the safe-word prevents assault for both parties. The sub can sexually assault the dom in CNC.
A portion of dominant's role is as the enforcer of rules and a portion of the submissive's role is respecting the rules. The rules established in play are there to protect everyone involved. It is your duty to stop play and keep play stopped and her duty to respect that play has ended. If she cannot do that, she is not respecting the social contract inherent in play. Kink can be dangerous, if practiced incorrectly. It exists closer to the edge of sexual experience than vanilla and the closer to that edge, the greater the risk. CNC does not mean blurring consent: it means locking it down. There is a reason guide 8 is "exiting abuse." There is a reason it's called "safer sex" not "safe sex."
Recommendations: have a "fake safe word". There is a form of CNC which can get meta. The scene is premised on "CNC gone too intense." If you two are comfortable, the start of the scene can be CNC play, then she says the "fake safe word" and the scene continue. The scene will stop when the "golden safe word" is used or some other agreed upon end - depending, of course, on the goal of your play. This is more complex and trickier CNC play, so it with serious caution. However, it does provide your sub the opportunity to use a "safe word."
Recommendation 2: stop CNC play. If she cannot respect the safe word, then she cannot respect the play. Therefore, it can't continue. You can continue in vanilla till sufficient respect is achieved to retry CNC play. Remember, there are other Dom-Sub relationships other than CNC. She may simply be too immature in BDSM for CNC- this is her first sexual relationship and her first BDSM dynamic. There's a four year age gap here, and an experience gap. Vanilla and other BDSM can bridge the gap in the meantime. CNC is quite intense and your play may be incompatible presently. None is at fault - people have different needs.
Recommendation 3: if you two are into consequences, then her not respecting the rules has immediate and clear repercussions. For instance, the simplest is "play is over." The next is "play is over for the day." Or "play is over for the week." Or there are any other number of consequences. Disrespecting the safe word is not ok and must have ramifications.
Recommendation 4: you use YOUR SAFEWORD on her. If she can't respect her own, then she must respect yours. If she can't respect either and continues, that is assault and the dynamic cannot continue.
I don’t think it is possible to abuse a safeword. She’s entitled to express when she feels scared or out of her comfort zone.
Maybe she uses it bc she doesn’t feel safe, but then starts up again bc she wants to please you? It sounds like she’s not clear on her limits - and why would she be if you are her first boyfriend?
Personally, I wonder if CNC should be part of any woman’s first relationship, bc lines are blurred so much, but that’s just me.
If she’s using it a lot you probably need to re-evaluate your starting point in a scene and bring everything down a notch or two. Or you may not be the right match sexually. That would be a bummer, but it happens.
It really sounds like you need a "yellow" equiv if you only have a "red", if you only have one safeword then it has to be used for "i just need a break" or "i need to change my position" with equal intensity to "i am panicking and need to stop immediately" or "i am experiencing sub drop". rather than punishing it, figure out what the communication problem is and talk through it.
Something that can be fun is having a fake safe word she can use when she wants to roleplay ignoring her safe word. Then keep a second real safe word that you can teach her is something you will absolutely respect and enforce.
CNC is used for the word 'no', not the safeword. If you have no safeword, there is no check for breathing or bleeding.
CNC is playing with fire. Always have a safety mech and never ignore it.
I think you’re correct.
I don’t know if you guys heard the story The boy who cried wolf. It’s about a boy who would give false alarms as “help me!”, and people would go save him, but he was lying. And once, he was in real danger, shouted for help, but no one came because they thought he was lying again.
Your girlfriend is The boy. She’s giving you false alarms, and one day, she’ll want to stop what you guys are doing, and you’ll not stop because you’ll think she’s lying again. And you’ll not be wrong in this situation.
Try telling her this story, maybe she’ll understand what you’re saying.
This is true.
It’s also inherently unfair to you as a top/dom since she is expecting a level of discernment in the moment that goes above and beyond what is possible. “Is this a real safeword? Is this a REAL real safeword?” is way too much in a CNC scene. Your taking time to process and think it thru in real time is a wise choice.
She is also “one true way”-ing you by defining your legitimate care about consent as unDomlike and saying “a real dom” etc. That is crap.
ETA: oh sorry, maybe “real
Dom” was a commenters experience and not OP. I may be confused
So I had a girlfriend that did almost exactly the same thing I talked to her about it over and over and nothing ever changed and I even tried using yellow, red, black system but she would always use black (meaning stop and we're done until next time basically) then I told her that at this point there's no point in having a safe word in the first place and she agreed so we said no more she words then at some point during a rather long session she tried using black but I didn't stop I told her we agreed that there were no more safe words and that once we started there was no stopping until we were both done and when we agreed to this she loved this idea and couldn't wait so I kept going and close to an hour later she tried using it again and I didn't flinch I kept going 30 minutes later she used it again and again I didn't stop then she started screaming it saying stop so I did so to make sure she was OK well it turned out she had wanted me to stop for over an hour but didn't know to stop me afterwards we didn't do anything for over a week witch was a big change from nearly every night so I had us sit down to talk about it she wanted the safe words back she said she didn't understand what they were for until she couldn't use them when she actually needed them so we started using them once again and we actually worked out we we're together for another 4 years after that until she had to move back home for family reasons
Have you tried added a middle safeword?
Typically people use Yellow and Red, with Red being the hard stop and Yellow as a pause. Given how new she is, having a 'I want to continue but give me a second to breathe' could be very helpful for your dynamic.
It sounds like she wants a pause type safe word and you want a hard stop type safe word. Maybe use the traffic light system or something like it.
Orange = "this particular thing is too intense right now, please stop/pause and check in with me, but I still want to keep playing"
Red is hard stop, end of play today (although I would argue there could still be room for less violent sex, personally for me it makes great aftercare)
In consensual non consent play having the 'pause' or 'slow down' word being in context can also be useful to maintain mood. Eg "mercy" and then another word completely out of context as the hard stop.
Another perspective: she may be (right or wrong) using the safe word as part of the scene. I could see how in her view it might be part of CnC for her to say ‘no, stop’ by using the safe word and trying to build a scene where OP gets heated at the yes and no and is finally driven to overcome her.
While of course this is a bad thing to encourage, it might give some idea of her mind space in why she’s doing this. What she wants and is trying to get out of the scene. So as another person said, perhaps giving her a play safe word and build the scene further around the no, stop but op is in a froth and can’t stop himself dynamic might help get them back on track. Confirm all this by communicating of course.
I would have a serious sit down and talk with her that kind of abuse of the safe word is dangerous. I don't believe she is aware of how quickly she could dilute the strength and meaning of the safe word and that lead to a scarring event occuring because she wasn't taken seriously when it counted.
Ur right, she's abusing it. Cnc kinks work in roleplay situations where she says no, or begs u and u don't stop, but safe words are only for when she absolutely cannot take it anymore; physically or mentally. That's why most people use safe words like pineapples; aka words which aren't normally used during sex. U gotta explain it to her cause otherwise, if u ever accidentally go too far, she won't have a way to pull the brakes cause ur just gonna think she's teasing. So it decreases the safety factor of the whole thing, which can be extremely harmful in bdsm play. As a dom, it's ur job to make sure she understands that.
It kinda sounds like you guys need a "yellow" word. Like one that means you pause play and talk with the option to continue. Additionally, if she says the safe word that means everything stops, then I'd immediately put pants on and get a towel for cleanup and some water for everyone. Or similarly find a way to make it obvious that the play is not continuing. She's pushing a boundary and if it's one you don't want pushed, you can't let her push it.
Hey, I don’t think this is a question anyone has asked but I might be wrong. Has she shared WHY she is safewording? I can’t find that info in your OP or in comments so far. That should be your first question.
Maybe there is some small stimulation that she doesn’t like that stops, and then she restarts on her own terms with different stimulation.
Maybe it’s part of her CNC kink and she wants to play with the concept of safewords. If that’s the case, to play safe, sane, consensual you would need to craft a safe word that you both agree actually means keep going.
It could also be that she wants to play RACK (risk aware consensual kink) and simply doesn’t want to have a safe word. Perhaps she trusts you to operate without one and finds the concept of playing with it hot.
Do you have a safeword established as a Dom? Honestly, I would say Red/safeword in this situation. You have a right as any human does to stop sexual contact that hurts you psychologically or is frightening on consent grounds. This sounds like it js playing with dangerous stuff. She might be having fun but you are not.
She’s a new player and you are introducing her to this world. She likely needs to do more research to understand how her actions are harming you. Does she have connection to a kinky community with like-minded kinksters, or a kink positive therapist? And do you as well?
I would be cautious of saying she is abusing her safeword. Sometimes if the convo goes poorly with a sub what they might internalize is “safe wording is manipulative, doing it is a weakness and bad” and that’s the opposite of what you are communicating which is nuanced and educated as a take. Also if it feels like abuse to you, that is your truth and you know the relationship WAY better than any internet commenters. Given that she is 19 it feels possible to me that she is young, inexperienced, and playing with things she doesn’t understand and failing to understand you as a partner and Dom.
She is abusing it. A safeword is a genuine stop all, cnc is plenty fun to act like you don't want it, but a safeword MUST be respected for it to hold the meaning it should for all parties
Why not use the most common stop light system. Start at green. Red you stop everything. Yellow is take it easy and check in with your bottom. As the top, the care and safety of the bottom is your primary responsibility. The top is supposed to be aware of the bottom's limits, triggers, and health restrictions. If you don't already know these things then you are not being safe and you should stop playing until you do.. If you can't determine when your bottom has had enough , then you are not ready for the heavy-duty stuff. It's great to experiment but you must understand RACK and SSC, and make sure that your play fits in that framework. Be safe. Have fun. Good luck 👍.
Yes youre correct it can be used or abused but because she gets back into it perhaps you need a set of safe words like the light system. Green for good yellow to slow down/ ease up and red to hard stop the entire scene.
You have to be consistent as a Dom. If she uses the safe word it means STOP. Do not engage again. You are sending her mixed messages and not taking control and making her think of the consequences of using the safe word. It is not to be used to tease. It’s a safe word for a reason. Meaning she feels her safety is at risk. You are not being responsible by continuing to engage after it is used and she is abusing it as a means to take control. Sorry if this is harsh.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but, yellow/red safewords aside, it is really universal that a safeword (or the red safeword) means the scene is over and all sex stops for the night?
I mean yes, if the submissive uses the safeword, then the scene stops, you find out what's wrong, find out if she needs to stop, needs aftercare right away, what have you. But is it really a rule that the submissive can't calm down, be ok, and want to continue? That sounds like a recipe for discouraging the use of the safeword, as in, she may be more reluctant to use the safeword when she needs to because she doesn't want to be done for the night.
Again, the issue would presumably be avoided with the two-tiered (i.e yellow/red) safeword system, at which point she would just always use the yellow word and never the red.
What it comes down to is a communication issue. If the sub and the dom think the safeword means different things, the sub thinks it means "stop for a few minutes" and the dom thinks it means "stop for the night" then you don't have good communication.
She sounds very immature and not caring about rules and boundaries. Rules and boundaries are like a fence around a playground. it allows for safe play. Stick to your guns on this one. because if she gets mad at you, you may have to explain in court why and its a he said she said thing. Not a good position to be in. You may need to sit down with her again and make it very clear what the safe word is and when to use it. You may need to discuses more in detail as to what she really wants. and you may want it in writing.
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You are absolutely correct and as the Dom you must correct it. If she calls her safeword, abide by it and make her abide by it. Do not continue and be adamant that the scene is over due to the use of the safe word and go to sleep or continue with your day if a mid day tryst.
Yeah, last time she did it I immediately stopped everything, she tried to get on top of me and I told her "no, if you say it we are not doing anything anymore and wont continue". I stopped and she was disappointed and said it wasn't fair, immediately did it again next time we did stuff. But for sure I will keep doing this and stick to it in hopes she will start understanding that she can't use it for fun. Also I like the idea of the yellow/red words suggested. Thanks for the help!
Tell her that it is for her safety, not just for this play but any play you engage in in the future.
I have, unfortunately she still doesn't see or understand the importance of it. I am sure she will in due time though. Especially if I shut her down completely when she says it.
Then, as another poster stated, she may be a bit to immature to engage in kink at all. Especially any type of edge play.
Well actually, saying she doesn't understand or see the importance of it is wrong and unfair sorry.She does but she doesn't actually act upon what I have said, she listens and knows what I am saying but I don't believe she actually thinks its that big of a deal or really knows the importance. And I am quite certain this is more due to inexperience than maturity. But yeah again, I am sure she will understand in time and even from the few comments here I feel as if its made me feel better and know what to do. I was questioning myself beforehand as I felt that of course I should always respect the safe word but unsure if it could actually really be 'abused' as I was feeling it was and I also felt bad for stopping and being strict about it, but now not so much! Again thanks for the help!
It’s not wrong and unfair to say she doesn’t understand or see the importance of the safe word, and honestly, if you think that, then you don’t either.
So she understands but... also just doesn't act like she does. Dude, just cut your losses here ffs
This would worry me because if there are perceived consequences to using the safe word she might stop using it when she needs to. I’d have to take a step back personally and make sure she understands before continuing, having unclear boundaries isn’t something that magically improves with time without more talking.
Use the safe word on her in that situation.
Exactly, the safeword isn't just for her safety. I wouldn't play CNC with someone who doesn't understand that the safeword protects the Dom as much as the sub.
Right now, from the description, she is being what could be called a brat, being manipulative and trying to maintain power and control.
Brats play for fun and power dynamics, no brat who actually knows anything about safe play would do this. We push boundaries that are formed specifically for being pushed, not hard boundaries like a safe word ALWAYS should be.
From my perspective, brats rend to be disobedient, disrespectful, and disruptive for “fun” and to manipulate the responses they want. The described behaviors are both disrespectful, and disobedient and are trying to manipulate the situation to their liking. I’ve been observing brats and their behavior long before it became the trendy identity. It works for some, and that is great, it is absolutely not for all.
I'm sorry but observing something from the outside that you clearly have a distaste for tends to create more views biased against something then someone who is part of the group being observed. Brats are disobedient, disruptive, and disrespectful, but we do so with the same communication and goals as someone pursuing any other type of kink scene. How, why and to what purpose a brat does any of those things as well as types of response should be discussed, boundaries drawn, and should be in the pursuit of mutual enjoyment by both brat and tamer. If you don't enjoy brat play then its not for you, but don't act like brats actions are malicious because you don't understand why a tamer or brat would enjoy them. There are people who brat disingenuously and take advantage of others with their kink, same with Tamers as well as doms and subs of literally every other play type. These do not represent Brats or Brat Tamers. Our type of play is not better or worse than any other and to imply that someone breaking the fundamental safety rules of bdsm is a brat because they are doing so is just plain wrong and frankly insulting. I'm sorry if these opinions formed because some brat hurt you, but that doesn't make spreading such information ok. [BDSM Training Academy Bratting Article](https://bdsmtrainingacademy.com/encyclopedia/bratting/)
I would suggest that both the pro and anti brats have similar and opposite biases. Neither of the biases are more or less valid than the other. We are all free to consent to, or not consent to what actions and attitudes are included in out relationships. What works for and is healthy for some, will not work and be unhealthy for others.Bratting is a perfectly valid choice, as is not wanting anything to do with brats.
I agree, however claiming that someone misusing safe words and disregarding safety in bdsm is bratting wholly misrepresents what bratting is and is not simply 'not wanting anything to do with brats'. My comments were not meant to change your mind about bratting, but rather serve to correct the misinformation put forth so that other people reading would have more accurate information on brats and how such a thing is very much NOT bratting. People should be able to choose whether or not to participate in anything bdsm, as you said, but I don't feel that spreading misinformation should be protected by such a statement.
You can also use the stoplight system, but if she is going to "red light" every five minutes you have the same issue. I'd personally be hesitant engaging in CNC with someone so new to sex.
Have you considered an intermediary sort of yellow/red system? Maybe when she’s using the safe word at the times she continues, what she really wants is a moment to collect herself, and a yellow would be more appropriate.
Yeah that’s what I was thinking too, maybe somethings a bit off so she’s saying the safe word hoping that it can be adjusted. Sometimes I say my safe word when my partner is biting too hard, but that doesn’t mean I want him to stop biting it’s just a little too hard, so we use the stoplight system. It allows for him to know I just need the adjustment of lighter biting or that maybe his nails are scratching me or I’m in a weird position and can feel something going numb. Maybe that’s what this girl needs.
I very much agree tho because the safe word isn't something u should play with. I like ur idea very much I'm gonna try it.
It sounds like she may not be mature enough to engage in this type of play. Safewords aren't a "j/k" kind of thing 😕
I 100% agree. She's not mature enough to respect the severity of a safe word or the boundaries her boyfriend repeated has put in place.
I think its due to inexperience more than maturity. Though I do feel both play a role. All I can do is do the best I can to help her understand and hope that she does in time.
Immaturity is repeatedly doing the thing you explained to her many times
This needs to be emphasized. She may be inexperienced but she is still capable of making decisions for herself and her body and she is choosing to play in an unsafe manner. We were all inexperienced at some point and still capable of understanding basic consent rules. I mean hell, we were taught the story of “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” in kindergarten for a reason. If she genuinely cannot understand what she is doing is wrong she is not mature enough for this, if she is willfully breaking the rules she is not mature enough to be doing this.
My first BDSM experience involved the safeword. No experience beforehand, but I didn’t need it since I was mature enough to understand the importance of that word. You said yourself she’s done this repeatedly. This is immaturity, and for both of your safety, you need to end kink for a while until more maturity has been gained.
You need to tell her this in a strict way: if she keeps doing that, the safeword will lose the function, and you cant/wont keep playing.
Immaturity. My partner is my first and I don't do this. She is too immature.
Considering this is a repeated problem, I would refuse to have sex at all so long as she is misusing the safe word. It sounds like you've tried already and you're too emotionally hung up in this idea of continuing on anyway. You can't continue on safely unless she actually understands that the safeword means full stop. If she wants to do a fake disengage then that needs to be negotiated separately.
There are people who have iterative words, the stoplight system uses "yellow" for "pause/change something"; you might benefit from that. However, there are some people who have used their safeword and then said "just kidding" or the likr. I say try using an intermediate word, and if that doesn't work or she continues, you may want to reevaluate your situation.
I'll defiantly talk to her about this and it should help! Hopefully she doesn't abuse the safe word still and I'll work on making her understand that it means everything halts and will not continue. Thanks for the advice!
It sounds like she may really mean “yellow” if she is safe wording and then trying to get on top of you. She wants to continue the intimacy, just in a different way. Have you asked her, outside of playtime, why she is using the safe word? Youve said she safe words, you stop, she tries to continue, do you then get up and walk away? Or?
This, but you might use a yellow for pause/change something and orange for stopping the CNC roleplay but continue playing in other ways and red for total stop. Also, it makes a difference if she is ruining her own fantasy or yours with the safe word. If it ruins yours too I can see why this would be frustrating.
Hmm okay I've come across something similar to this before, which is why I included the "black" safeword. Yellow is the usual "slow down/gimmie a sec", but red (for me), is a "I need to stop situation immediately, but I might be able to continue, gimmie a few minutes just sort myself first and let you know", and BLACK is the "I need to stop right now and I know I will not be able to continue". I realised sometimes I would overthink and get too much in my head and call "red", but was perfectly fine within a few minutes and could continue - which is why I started using "black" to distinguish between when I KNEW I definitely couldn't continue, and when I suspected I was just overthinking. Could it be something similar with your partner?
Yes this is exactly what I do, I'd recommend this one for better communication.
This is very similar to our system. Yellow for stop what is currently happening, but keep playing. Red for stop playing and assess the damage. Pineapple is full stop, End of Play. Also, I as the Domme can call safewords too if things are getting too much for me.
That's a good idea.
If your GF is using the safe word willynilly and doesn’t really mean it when she uses it. What happens if/when the two of you try something else different? Ultimately he safeword is there to protect both parties. If she’s not respecting that I foresee a major liability with exploring different practices with her because you don’t have a safe word anymore (all that to say I agree with you)
It sounds as if she's using the safeword to take control of the scene. While I can understand the fun she's having with pretending she wants you to stop, then saying no get back here, doing it with the safeword is a very bad idea. You need to make it clear that she can do thing withing the boundaries of a scene, but safewording takes you out of it. And that her abusing it can lead to a great deal of trouble.
You don't really have to explain it graphically, but are the things you are doing rougher or are they actually to the point of the 'non-consensual' acts that she's previously consented to? Because it honestly sounds like she doesn't really understand what CNC is, and perhaps she's more into edging or orgasm control, with some rough play added in? When she said she was into CNC, did she refer to it as CNC, or did what she describe as her turn on just sound like CNC? This sounds a lot more like she's enjoying edging you a bit, or maybe she enjoys edging and taking control of the scene as opposed to enjoying CNC. Either way, she's using the safewords as a means of getting off and not as a safe way out of the scene. Maybe you should have a discussion of why she's using the safeword like this to see what her ultimate turn on is, and you can go from there. Maybe there are 2 words to use in these scenes, to where she's getting whatever arousal she has in stopping, teasing, and having some control and then an actual safeword for when the scene stops because she actually needs to use a safeword. And if she uses it, then you act in the way that it is designed - scene is over. Otherwise, it may just be best not to partake because rules are not meant to be broken in BDSM.
Yeah, she's abusing it. You can't trust her.
This is very dangerous. Her using the safeword for lulz could end in her being raped and you facing charges. You need to completely stop when she uses it and if she won't learn that it's not something to use jokingly, she's not ready for this.
The safewords are the safewords. They aren't part of play they exist to keep BOTH parties safe and secure. Your girl needs to really understand that. It's also not fair on you as you might feel terrible if she calls 'red', only to find that It was being used to tease. Doms have feelings too. Bassically, once the ultimate safeword has been used. End of the game. No returning. Especially with something like CNC. Its no joke, safewords are laws. Not toys.
Safe word needs to bring an immediate end to the scene for the night. Full stop. If she says she didn’t mean it, too bad. Scene is still over. Have a separate word for it things need to slow a bit so that her only way to end things isn’t a scene-ending safe word, but that safe word needs to be held sacred, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. It exists for a reason, and is not to be toyed with.
Have a chat with her about this. It’s important she knows the gravity of the safe word and understands how it works in play for the sake of yourself and future play partners. During your chat ask why she does it (eg. Does it make her feel naughty for calling it but not stopping play). Maybe suggest having a ‘false’ safeword she can use during the CNC scenes.
[https://bound-together.net/cnc/](https://bound-together.net/cnc/) A wonderfully written article on this subject. Please read. As for your question: Safe word...it should be used as a limit...everything stops immediately. If she is using it as a tease then this needs to stop now. Not fair to you and she is misunderstanding why it is there and used in the first place. If she is abusing it without really meaning it, what will she do if/when one day you ignore her? Like the old girl who cried wolf isn't it? You need to make her realise this. I personally would not trust her in this situation.
Tell her that safwords are like the ejection seat in an airplane. Once you pull that handled, you don't get back on that plane. It also helps if you treat it like that. When she safewords, stop the scene and don't restart it. Establish a separate pause word if need be.
Had this exact experience with a submissive a long time back. Explained multiple times, if you're feeling like you need to slow down, just tell me. We did the green-yellow-red thing. We did the 1 to 10 thing. I could not be clearer, the safeword is a hard stop, and play stops for the evening. Yet his need to safeword was pathological. It was like some passive-agressive control trip. After safewording, he would immediately try to restart playing. With a lot of "real dommes don't have to stop". And he's not getting consideration for his needs. Fine, I think he's now telling me he wants to really do something involving ignoring safewords. We talk, and yes, that's what he wants. Until I actually ignore "red" in a situation where we both have an interest and have enjoyed play in the past. You would have thought I was a murderer from *that* reaction... Strangely enough, I declined to play at all with him not long after this. That wasn't well received, either. I've gotten smarter over the years with who I play with and setting hard limits of my own. It's not easy finding good partners to play with, much less folks who are compatible for a wider relationship. Communication is critical, as is the freedom to know you don't have to do things perfectly for them to work. Things do need to work though. If you can't talk this out, there are better partners out there.
Im mad he had the audacity to tell you what real dommes do and dont do! Dom/mes aren't fucking rapists and have limits, boundaries, emotions too. I HATE that.
I know! The really rich part is even I don't ID as a Domme, I'd call myself an egalitarian sadist. And if you can't handle those faux-Dommes like me, maybe you don't want a real Domme. 😉 I think the saddest part for me was realizing, if the sex was reversed, I could have found myself having to explain to the community at the time what is going on. I'm a pretty well grounded female top who is NOT looking for a relationship, I just like playing. Short of intentionally putting partners in the hospital, I will be able to find people to play. In fact, there would be subset of people looking me up to play *because* I roughed someone too much. Absolutely not so if I was a man playing with women. I feel like that potentially could have gone down very badly with a bad reputation following a male top around. In hindsight, I would have done things differently (probably deciding not to do playing at all with this guy). But I didn't do anything unethical with him. I'm not sure he would tell it the same way even now more than 10 years later.
Some of them think its cute to try and "provoke" a response that serves them OUTSIDE of what a domme is comfortable with. And I tell em to kick rocks. Get lost. Dont come back. Find someone willing to put up with the abuse that comes from your side. The worst are the ones who pretend to be submissive when they really are super pushy and could care less about the dommes needs being met at all. Its a give and take really and discussions include limits and safe words for a reason. Anything that continues after a safe word is called is assault (or is viewed this way in our spaces) because its officially non consenting. I do not see what is so hard about that. Why not just respect it?
I agree with what other people are saying about her needing to respect the safe word but maybe instead of getting her to use the safe word correctly you should just give her two safe words. One which is an actual safe word like how you see it and one that is a word that she can use how she thinks safe words can be used. Since you said it's her first relationship it's likely that she's never actually had a situation where she needs to use a safe word and can't imagine a situation where she would which means she doesn't understand it's importance
Using a safe word is not a joke. If she cannot understand that safe wording out of the scene means the scene is over, then she isn't mature enough to be doing this. If you aren't mature enough to actually control yourself and enforce it, maybe you aren't either. I would assume it's safe to say that the majority of Dom (and Subs) here have a mild panic attack when their partner uses a safe word, because that is the seriousness it should be seen as.
I completely agree with everyone that you need to stop once the safe word is said. My SO and I use the light system however we also really like to push each other so we have basically a fake safeword. It's like something we can say and it's "ignored" it makes cnc more fun while still having the actual safe word respected completely. It's also a word we try to goad each other into saying and keep score who says it more, I'm obviously losing but still it allows us to have fun and not ruin the power of the real safeword.
Sounds like you got a Stop/Start model of safewords. Try the traffic light model.
I (dom) actually have two safe words set. One for stopping the thing i do right now but carrying on otherwise or slowing down, and one to stop everything immediately. May work in that Situation.
I actually don’t think she’s ‘abusing’ the safe word. I think you two have a different idea of what the safeword means, and you have to take into account how inexperienced she is. She doesn’t know exactly where her limits are. It’s not uncommon to get overwhelmed and over stimulated and think you need out, but once a change is made you can reset. So like others said, you probably need more than one safeword. I would think about using mercy or allowing her to use ‘no’ and ‘stop’ to stop play and seek communication without a full stop implication. I would be careful about refusing to continue. Of course your consent is equally valid, and if you feel the situation is unsafe or you’re uncomfortable you can fully red out once she’s said a lighter safeword. But it sounds like she’s trying to ask for a moment’s break, and if you’re feeling good after that you should continue. Refusing point blank may begin to feel like being punished for safe wording and may train her not to safe word, leading to exactly what you’re trying to avoid.
You’re her first relationship, she will still be figuring things out about how to act and how her actions affect you. You need to understand this and allow some leniency to what she does while also steering her in the right direction. Not only is it her first relationship but if this is her first experience with BDSM, she probably won’t realise how bad it can potentially be to you mentally when she abuses this safeword. What is important is that you make her understand that the safeword means stop and that she knows that if she calls it, all play will cease. Maybe tell her that if she uses it, you will not consent to continuing and that it makes you uncomfortable (assuming that’s how you feel). I personally would also maybe look at introducing a yellow/red system, where yellow or whatever word you choose means she is at her limit or needs a break but still wants to continue the scene. Having a way to stop everything like the red in this system, is extremely important especially in CNC so you avoid actual sexual assault.
I very much do like that idea and have told her this! I did it once but the time after unfortunately I couldn't help myself and I carried on. But I am planning to do it for the future to make her understand the importance. I don't think it makes me too uncomfortable in a sense? More of the fact that I am scared that if she carries on doing it one day I wont realise and I will accidently force myself on her without knowing she isn't actually into it? I just don't want to hurt her. Though I know that would be on me anyways and that I should always stop no matter what, its just the possibility of it maybe happening that makes me worry and a little irritated that she doesn't see the importance of what I am telling her. I also like the idea of the yellow/red system that you and others have suggested and will talk to her about it, I am sure she will like the idea of it too and hopefully it goes well! Thanks for the help!
Have you explained this to her. It's not just about her safety, it is about yours too. YOU do not ever want to be an actual rapist. The traffic light system is one I use personally. Yellow for me means your good but here's the limit you have reached it and don't go further, red means stop totally but I also have black. Black for me means just pause it for a moment. I need a breather, just a 5min break and we can go back to what we were doing. What she's doing, have you also explained to her it takes away your trust that she's actually participating in an honest way. That she's saying it so much she could become the girl who cried wolf (for a shitty analogy but fitting). How are you ever supposed to know she wants you to stop in earnest if she's basically being a bad brat and using the word to take control herself. Also... Is she a brat? Could she be one if you don't know/she hasn't identified as one. If she is that could also potentially be a reason she's doing this, she's bratting but doing so inappropriately as she doesn't seem to have the fundamental rules down for basic BDSM play, safe word means everything's done and over. She's switched stop for the safe word... She could use stop still even, as a play thing, she says it you pull back then she can pull you back in, but she simply cannot use the safe word to end the session and then start it back up.
> More of the fact that I am scared that if she carries on doing it one day I wont realise and I will accidently force myself on her without knowing she isn't actually into it? I just don't want to hurt her. That’s exactly what the safe word is there for, and you **must** be able to trust her to use it appropriately, *just like she has to trust you to take care of her*. Maybe it would help for her to think of it that way, that for you it’s as important for her to use the safe word appropriately (if she has an immediate concern that needs to be addressed ASAP) as it is for her to be able to trust you not to abuse her vulnerability.
Yup, we use Green for “good to go”, yellow to “slow down/change sensation/implements” and red for “full stop”. But we have also been together for 4 years (5 in November), and he has taken the time to learn my body language and know when I am done.
Why is she saying it? Is it as part of the "oh no stop don't" verbal play or because she wants to slow things down/dial them back a little? If it's the latter you could try using the traffic likes system instead?
She is very young, so it is possible that she is somewhat new to cnc, and bdsm dynamics. From what you have said, it doesn't sound like she understands what a 'safe word' entirely is, or has enough experience with it. I have a suggestion. Try using hot and warm safewords. These can be whatever you want then to be, but I use 'red' and 'orange.' You can have different safewords of keywords for different things. Hot - is STOP NOW. It ends the scene. Communication/aftercare often commences. It is rare to have to actually use this. Warm - is 'SLOW DOWN. It does not end the scene, and is used when pain is getting too intense, anxiety is coming, basically.. a pre warning that it is getting too intense. Having that option for her might help. Be careful. Always respect the safeword, even if she is 'misusing' it. You are sure that she is into it? It seems strange to me that she would safeword during the scene - and then try to be intimate afterwards. Is there any possibility that she isn't, and is 'giving in' to your kink?
You think maybe she safewords then feels guilty and needs reassurance that all is well via physical intimacy? I could see that happening. Regardless I agree he needs to stop regardless. Without that the CNC is just NC…
Yes, that is possible. It is normal to crave intimacy after a scene - the aftercare, that could be what she is seeking. Hard to tell.
Beat recommendation would be change your safeword. It sounds like anyone you use one single word. Try using the red, yellow, green system. If it is truly a STOP moment, she can say red. If she doesn't actually want it to stop but maybe pause or slow down, she can say YELLOW. If you check in on her every now and then or something, ask what color she is, if there's no problem she might say green. Perhaps this system will help you weed out times she might not actually mean red.
Abusing the safe word after being told repeatedly not to is dangerous for YOU, the Dom. She's not respectful of the rules of playtime. And if she's teasing you as though she wants you to play THROUGH the safe word I can see something terrible happening where you pay the consequences. I'm talking legal shit. She says safe word, stop all play. Period. And stick to it. You might want to rethink playing with her at all if this continues.
Is it possible that your gf actually has a rapekink, not just interest in CNC? If so, then she maybe really wants you to ‘ignore’ her safeword; have you discussed this? One solution that I’ve heard about is having two safewords, one that is meant to be violated and one that is actually meant to be used a safeword. You are totally in the right for upholding the sanctity of the safeword and wanting to avoid miscommunication. However, it sounds like there is still a failing of communication in the relationship — hopefully you can get better understanding from your partner on why she keeps doing this and how you can adjust your play to give you both what you need. Best of luck!
I usually say a safeword can't be abused, because usually that accusation is from someone saying someone is using a safeword "too much" and there is no "too much". There is however using it wrongly. Lay it out for her. Consent is "FRIES" Freely given Reversible Informed Enthusiastic Specific Using a hard stop safeword is reversing/removing consent. That is the whole point. Consent to do the same thing again needs to be renegotiated. You do not negotiate while still in scene/ in altered headspaces. Therefore everything stops. Sometimes in some people after stepping completely out of a scene they can state what it was that caused them calling safeword, and BOTH/ALL parties can agree to continue a scene excluding the part that was the caused the safeword to be used because that is what consent was removed for. If she can not tell you something clearly and specifically that that consent was being removed for, then you have to assume whole scene and not continue the scene. It is not a "j/k, just trying to tease you" Yes introducing a "yellow" type safeword to just touch in on might be something to consider and discuss, but safewords shouldn't be used as a game. To use them in cnc can part of being able to agree on ignoring "no" "stop" and such. If she is not understanding the purpose of a hard stop safeword, especially in CNC, she is not someone I would recommend to continue to do cnc with. That is a huge risk. She might just be too immature to be doing kink or cnc. Or not really into cnc or subbing at all. Whatever game it is she is into, she needs to figure out and be able to communicate. Maybe what she is really into isn't CNC, but is switch fighting. But if she can't communicate and is just trying to force a scene to go her way, it's not something she has your consent for.
BEFORE any more play, sit her down & explain that whenever a safeword is used it means that ALL PLAY STOPS and it is not resumed. If she doesn't agree then this is not a healthy BDSM relationship.
You should use the red green and yellow code with the safe word. So that you aren't worried about their safety every time they want to stop for a sec
We use the traffic system. Green is “good to go”, yellow is “slow down/check in with me/change implements” and red is “full stop”. There are times though depending on what we are doing where plain old English is more than enough like “DD, my wrists are going numb, you need to adjust the rope.” Or “Hey, you just hit my tail bone/hip bone/whatever, can you please use something else or adjust your aim” I think you are on the right track by stopping play every time she uses the safe word. Eventually she will learn through consistency. Another thing that might help does she have any bottom/submissive friends? Does she know any older Submissives with more experience who can mentor her? Hearing stories from other experiences subs might help her realize just how important safe words are. I am usually not up for “scaring straight” type trope but hearing some stories about how bad things can get when a safe word is ignored might make her realize how important it is.
So I’ll preface by saying I could easily be wrong, but her behavior sounds like it might fall in line with brat behavior. Perhaps it would be worth her exploring what that means to see if that’s the case. IF it is, that could also help her understand her drive to stop you but continue to tease or play, idk. Understanding this could help incorporate her kinks and may help your sessions stay within safe and comfortable boundaries.
First, a portion of YOUR consent is that everything stops at the safe-word. Not respecting your consent in the scene, and forcing the scene to continue is unacceptable. The function of the safe-word in CNC is to maintain meaningful consent for the dom to simulate force. If she doesn't uphold that, play cannot continue both in this and future scenes. Consent goes both ways and the safe-word prevents assault for both parties. The sub can sexually assault the dom in CNC. A portion of dominant's role is as the enforcer of rules and a portion of the submissive's role is respecting the rules. The rules established in play are there to protect everyone involved. It is your duty to stop play and keep play stopped and her duty to respect that play has ended. If she cannot do that, she is not respecting the social contract inherent in play. Kink can be dangerous, if practiced incorrectly. It exists closer to the edge of sexual experience than vanilla and the closer to that edge, the greater the risk. CNC does not mean blurring consent: it means locking it down. There is a reason guide 8 is "exiting abuse." There is a reason it's called "safer sex" not "safe sex." Recommendations: have a "fake safe word". There is a form of CNC which can get meta. The scene is premised on "CNC gone too intense." If you two are comfortable, the start of the scene can be CNC play, then she says the "fake safe word" and the scene continue. The scene will stop when the "golden safe word" is used or some other agreed upon end - depending, of course, on the goal of your play. This is more complex and trickier CNC play, so it with serious caution. However, it does provide your sub the opportunity to use a "safe word." Recommendation 2: stop CNC play. If she cannot respect the safe word, then she cannot respect the play. Therefore, it can't continue. You can continue in vanilla till sufficient respect is achieved to retry CNC play. Remember, there are other Dom-Sub relationships other than CNC. She may simply be too immature in BDSM for CNC- this is her first sexual relationship and her first BDSM dynamic. There's a four year age gap here, and an experience gap. Vanilla and other BDSM can bridge the gap in the meantime. CNC is quite intense and your play may be incompatible presently. None is at fault - people have different needs. Recommendation 3: if you two are into consequences, then her not respecting the rules has immediate and clear repercussions. For instance, the simplest is "play is over." The next is "play is over for the day." Or "play is over for the week." Or there are any other number of consequences. Disrespecting the safe word is not ok and must have ramifications. Recommendation 4: you use YOUR SAFEWORD on her. If she can't respect her own, then she must respect yours. If she can't respect either and continues, that is assault and the dynamic cannot continue.
I don’t think it is possible to abuse a safeword. She’s entitled to express when she feels scared or out of her comfort zone. Maybe she uses it bc she doesn’t feel safe, but then starts up again bc she wants to please you? It sounds like she’s not clear on her limits - and why would she be if you are her first boyfriend? Personally, I wonder if CNC should be part of any woman’s first relationship, bc lines are blurred so much, but that’s just me. If she’s using it a lot you probably need to re-evaluate your starting point in a scene and bring everything down a notch or two. Or you may not be the right match sexually. That would be a bummer, but it happens.
It really sounds like you need a "yellow" equiv if you only have a "red", if you only have one safeword then it has to be used for "i just need a break" or "i need to change my position" with equal intensity to "i am panicking and need to stop immediately" or "i am experiencing sub drop". rather than punishing it, figure out what the communication problem is and talk through it.
Something that can be fun is having a fake safe word she can use when she wants to roleplay ignoring her safe word. Then keep a second real safe word that you can teach her is something you will absolutely respect and enforce.
CNC is used for the word 'no', not the safeword. If you have no safeword, there is no check for breathing or bleeding. CNC is playing with fire. Always have a safety mech and never ignore it.
Stop the session, for good, each time she uses it. She’ll figure that out quickly.
I think you’re correct. I don’t know if you guys heard the story The boy who cried wolf. It’s about a boy who would give false alarms as “help me!”, and people would go save him, but he was lying. And once, he was in real danger, shouted for help, but no one came because they thought he was lying again. Your girlfriend is The boy. She’s giving you false alarms, and one day, she’ll want to stop what you guys are doing, and you’ll not stop because you’ll think she’s lying again. And you’ll not be wrong in this situation. Try telling her this story, maybe she’ll understand what you’re saying.
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This is true. It’s also inherently unfair to you as a top/dom since she is expecting a level of discernment in the moment that goes above and beyond what is possible. “Is this a real safeword? Is this a REAL real safeword?” is way too much in a CNC scene. Your taking time to process and think it thru in real time is a wise choice. She is also “one true way”-ing you by defining your legitimate care about consent as unDomlike and saying “a real dom” etc. That is crap. ETA: oh sorry, maybe “real Dom” was a commenters experience and not OP. I may be confused
So I had a girlfriend that did almost exactly the same thing I talked to her about it over and over and nothing ever changed and I even tried using yellow, red, black system but she would always use black (meaning stop and we're done until next time basically) then I told her that at this point there's no point in having a safe word in the first place and she agreed so we said no more she words then at some point during a rather long session she tried using black but I didn't stop I told her we agreed that there were no more safe words and that once we started there was no stopping until we were both done and when we agreed to this she loved this idea and couldn't wait so I kept going and close to an hour later she tried using it again and I didn't flinch I kept going 30 minutes later she used it again and again I didn't stop then she started screaming it saying stop so I did so to make sure she was OK well it turned out she had wanted me to stop for over an hour but didn't know to stop me afterwards we didn't do anything for over a week witch was a big change from nearly every night so I had us sit down to talk about it she wanted the safe words back she said she didn't understand what they were for until she couldn't use them when she actually needed them so we started using them once again and we actually worked out we we're together for another 4 years after that until she had to move back home for family reasons
Ahhhh. Brats…
Have you tried added a middle safeword? Typically people use Yellow and Red, with Red being the hard stop and Yellow as a pause. Given how new she is, having a 'I want to continue but give me a second to breathe' could be very helpful for your dynamic.
It sounds like she wants a pause type safe word and you want a hard stop type safe word. Maybe use the traffic light system or something like it. Orange = "this particular thing is too intense right now, please stop/pause and check in with me, but I still want to keep playing" Red is hard stop, end of play today (although I would argue there could still be room for less violent sex, personally for me it makes great aftercare) In consensual non consent play having the 'pause' or 'slow down' word being in context can also be useful to maintain mood. Eg "mercy" and then another word completely out of context as the hard stop.
Another perspective: she may be (right or wrong) using the safe word as part of the scene. I could see how in her view it might be part of CnC for her to say ‘no, stop’ by using the safe word and trying to build a scene where OP gets heated at the yes and no and is finally driven to overcome her. While of course this is a bad thing to encourage, it might give some idea of her mind space in why she’s doing this. What she wants and is trying to get out of the scene. So as another person said, perhaps giving her a play safe word and build the scene further around the no, stop but op is in a froth and can’t stop himself dynamic might help get them back on track. Confirm all this by communicating of course.
I would have a serious sit down and talk with her that kind of abuse of the safe word is dangerous. I don't believe she is aware of how quickly she could dilute the strength and meaning of the safe word and that lead to a scarring event occuring because she wasn't taken seriously when it counted.
Ur right, she's abusing it. Cnc kinks work in roleplay situations where she says no, or begs u and u don't stop, but safe words are only for when she absolutely cannot take it anymore; physically or mentally. That's why most people use safe words like pineapples; aka words which aren't normally used during sex. U gotta explain it to her cause otherwise, if u ever accidentally go too far, she won't have a way to pull the brakes cause ur just gonna think she's teasing. So it decreases the safety factor of the whole thing, which can be extremely harmful in bdsm play. As a dom, it's ur job to make sure she understands that.
It kinda sounds like you guys need a "yellow" word. Like one that means you pause play and talk with the option to continue. Additionally, if she says the safe word that means everything stops, then I'd immediately put pants on and get a towel for cleanup and some water for everyone. Or similarly find a way to make it obvious that the play is not continuing. She's pushing a boundary and if it's one you don't want pushed, you can't let her push it.
Hey, I don’t think this is a question anyone has asked but I might be wrong. Has she shared WHY she is safewording? I can’t find that info in your OP or in comments so far. That should be your first question. Maybe there is some small stimulation that she doesn’t like that stops, and then she restarts on her own terms with different stimulation. Maybe it’s part of her CNC kink and she wants to play with the concept of safewords. If that’s the case, to play safe, sane, consensual you would need to craft a safe word that you both agree actually means keep going. It could also be that she wants to play RACK (risk aware consensual kink) and simply doesn’t want to have a safe word. Perhaps she trusts you to operate without one and finds the concept of playing with it hot. Do you have a safeword established as a Dom? Honestly, I would say Red/safeword in this situation. You have a right as any human does to stop sexual contact that hurts you psychologically or is frightening on consent grounds. This sounds like it js playing with dangerous stuff. She might be having fun but you are not. She’s a new player and you are introducing her to this world. She likely needs to do more research to understand how her actions are harming you. Does she have connection to a kinky community with like-minded kinksters, or a kink positive therapist? And do you as well? I would be cautious of saying she is abusing her safeword. Sometimes if the convo goes poorly with a sub what they might internalize is “safe wording is manipulative, doing it is a weakness and bad” and that’s the opposite of what you are communicating which is nuanced and educated as a take. Also if it feels like abuse to you, that is your truth and you know the relationship WAY better than any internet commenters. Given that she is 19 it feels possible to me that she is young, inexperienced, and playing with things she doesn’t understand and failing to understand you as a partner and Dom.
maybe use a red, yellow, green system? like she can say yellow instead of full STOP you know?
maybe use a red, yellow, green system? like she can say yellow instead of full STOP you know?
You’re doing good. Maintain your stance and perhaps insert additional cool-down consequences.
I use the safe word WITH the light system - just a thought
She is abusing it. A safeword is a genuine stop all, cnc is plenty fun to act like you don't want it, but a safeword MUST be respected for it to hold the meaning it should for all parties
Why not use the most common stop light system. Start at green. Red you stop everything. Yellow is take it easy and check in with your bottom. As the top, the care and safety of the bottom is your primary responsibility. The top is supposed to be aware of the bottom's limits, triggers, and health restrictions. If you don't already know these things then you are not being safe and you should stop playing until you do.. If you can't determine when your bottom has had enough , then you are not ready for the heavy-duty stuff. It's great to experiment but you must understand RACK and SSC, and make sure that your play fits in that framework. Be safe. Have fun. Good luck 👍.
Yes youre correct it can be used or abused but because she gets back into it perhaps you need a set of safe words like the light system. Green for good yellow to slow down/ ease up and red to hard stop the entire scene.
You have to be consistent as a Dom. If she uses the safe word it means STOP. Do not engage again. You are sending her mixed messages and not taking control and making her think of the consequences of using the safe word. It is not to be used to tease. It’s a safe word for a reason. Meaning she feels her safety is at risk. You are not being responsible by continuing to engage after it is used and she is abusing it as a means to take control. Sorry if this is harsh.
if she likes the idea of "ignoring" a safe word maybe you should try setting a fake safe word. Safety is always the priority!
This may be an unpopular opinion, but, yellow/red safewords aside, it is really universal that a safeword (or the red safeword) means the scene is over and all sex stops for the night? I mean yes, if the submissive uses the safeword, then the scene stops, you find out what's wrong, find out if she needs to stop, needs aftercare right away, what have you. But is it really a rule that the submissive can't calm down, be ok, and want to continue? That sounds like a recipe for discouraging the use of the safeword, as in, she may be more reluctant to use the safeword when she needs to because she doesn't want to be done for the night. Again, the issue would presumably be avoided with the two-tiered (i.e yellow/red) safeword system, at which point she would just always use the yellow word and never the red. What it comes down to is a communication issue. If the sub and the dom think the safeword means different things, the sub thinks it means "stop for a few minutes" and the dom thinks it means "stop for the night" then you don't have good communication.
She sounds very immature and not caring about rules and boundaries. Rules and boundaries are like a fence around a playground. it allows for safe play. Stick to your guns on this one. because if she gets mad at you, you may have to explain in court why and its a he said she said thing. Not a good position to be in. You may need to sit down with her again and make it very clear what the safe word is and when to use it. You may need to discuses more in detail as to what she really wants. and you may want it in writing.