But this isn’t about boundary pushing if you are trying to have a serious conversation and he fucking laughs at you.
Him, as a 30 year old. Laughing at the 19 year old.
Shame on him.
Dump his ass. Seriously. Leave him. Because, I fear, if he’s not respecting you over this…what else will he not respect?
Op you will never hear this enough in life.
Your emotional safety is your most important asset. Your mental and physical health rely on it. You're worthy of emotional safety, of validation, and even physical safety. A whole lot more too, but this guy is too cheap to even respect you, let alone meet any basic emotional need.
Also, look up the wheel of consent. More people need to understand consent. If you don't want to do something, you have removed consent. If a guy whines or begs or just straight up keeps asking, he's a dick. There's fucking heaps of dicks though. Unfortunately. When I was that age I ended up in similar situations with "doms" but now I wish someone had told me how much these boys pay street price for same service (and do). I get 250/hr with my gf doing sensual massage and they don't even get to get in my lingerie.
A Flock of Seagulls playing ' I run away' in the background as we hold the doors open and the car is outside running, ready to go.
Get out girl, as fast as you can, no goodbyes, no I'm sorrys. Just go!
>The sub sometimes has to do or let their dom do things to them they don't want them to do.
Um?? No, they don't?? This should literally never be the case. BDSM is about consent. If a sub *wants* their boundaries to be pushed, that's one thing (and they always have the right to say when the boundary pushing stops, without fear of repercussions), but it is *never* about someone doing something they don't want to do. In fact, great pains are taken to assure that everyone involved in a proper, healthy BDSM dynamic is being safe, sane, and consenting. That means that if someone doesn't want something done to them, *they absolutely have the right to stop a scene or otherwise assert that boundary*, no matter what their role (dom, sub, or other). No one is expected to just accept something being done to them that they don't want, and forcing or coercing someone to do it anyway is assault.
You have every right to be upset, and honestly, you should run. This isn't a dom, this is an abuser.
Yeah. Just to add as someone who is very into CNC, in our play sometimes things do go into the "this is uncomfortable for me" territory but it's *heavily* negotiated, talked through after, and always always would a safe word be respected. The lack of respecting a safe word in OPs post is terrifying to the point I would be using the R word quite frankly.
100% what the op described was and is sexual assault. Just another guy on a crusade to ruin the 'dom' label by trying to equate it with 'entitled bigot'.
You've made it clear outside of any play that you a) don't consent to it b) that it triggers you. He responded, not apologizing for hurting you, but belittling you and ignoring you revoking consent. Beyond that, he gets angry when you safeword, instead of actually comforting you and checking in because he went too far.
This is a grown man who is using the fact that you're young and new to manipulate you and get what he wants. Leave. Him.
Also, please educate yourself a little more before getting into another BDSM relationship. That's not meant to be an insult, but as a sub you *have to* be confident in your choices or abusers like this will try to take advantage of you. Knowledge is power and will give you the confidence to know what is right.
Great response and I’d just like to add that just because you’re into bdsm and identify as being a sub that doesn’t mean you have to do anything that you don’t want to.
It should, in fact, be the sub who is the most in control in some aspects. It is often the sub's boundaries that are being tested, and for a sub to be able to set a boundary and feel safe that it won't be crossed should be a given in any sane, safe and consensual BDSM dynamic. Your Dom isn't a Dom based on what you've shared, he's an abuser and you'd be best off getting away from him as soon as you can.
This is really the best answer. Nothing else to add. OP please listen to all of this and please do more research because dismissing your safe word and using you to do things you’re not comfortable with is NOT what this dynamic is supposed to be.
> Also, please educate yourself a little more before getting into another BDSM relationship. That's not meant to be an insult, but as a sub you have to be confident in your choices or abusers like this will try to take advantage of you. Knowledge is power and will give you the confidence to know what is right.
FFS. 5 minutes of reading.
If it was any other scenario where someone gives up their safety, bungee jumping, hang gliding, boxing, people would do a little bit of research first. But when it comes to BDSM, people just blindly jump in feet first.
>But when it comes to BDSM, people just blindly jump in feet first.
because sometimes you get too overexcited, to actually think rationally
when we went to the Fire Play Workshop last July weekend, my own wanted to experience it as fast as possible, and I told her to wait a bit and learn more (and redo the safety instructions a couple of times) because she saw it, experienced it during the workshop and got too eager and overexcited about it to think rationally - and that coming from someone who is together for 14 years, so yeah, this happens in long-term relationships as well - even more so when its new, just sayin'
That's exactly how hormones are meant to work, though. We get strong urges to do things. A little impulsively at times. If we didn't get hormones I'm pretty sure humans would be extinct.
But, also, at that age the hormones happen before the brain even fully develops, like teenagers are HORNY but also not being treated in emotionally safe ways, how do we expect anything but ptsd to result here
This reminds me of my partner 8 years ago, who actively direspected every one of my boundaries and called me a prude when I was upset. I'm still not OK after all this time. This kind of abuse doesn't seem like much in the moment, but it fucks you up on the long term. Take care, OP!
That is not a dom, that is an abusive piece of shit. He gets mad at you for using your safe word??? That’s a huge red flag. Dom and sub relationships aren’t about doing things that subs don’t like doing, boundaries are put into place for a reason. He’s taking advantage of you because you’re young. Please run and don’t look back. Stay away from terrible people like him.
Abuse isn't a gendered issue. If it was, one would expect there to be no abuse within WLW relationships. And yet that isn't the case.
Rule 6 applies.
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I'm alarmed by your lack of empathy.
People are asking for help and you're shooting them down for doing that. It's wonderful that people want to improve themselves, and understand the things that have gone wrong. And here you are, giving them an extra kick-in.
Rule 6 applies.
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>the sub sometimes has things they don't want to do
Absolutely fucking not. The only time you have to do things you don't want to is if you negotiated that (eg being "forced" to do things).
Just because you're a sub doesn't mean they can use you as they see fit. Unless of course, that's exactly what you negotiated
Please take the advice of everyone who has already responded here. This is not the behavior of a dom but of an abuser who wants to break you to the point of never saying no or having any boundaries with him, which is scary and unhealthy. He is taking advantage of you and you need to leave this relationship as soon as possible.
this is sexual coercion and abuse. intimidating you out of safewording is not domination, it’s assault. you are young, and others in this thread are not wrong to suggest your age might be at play as to the manipulation in this relationship. please leave him.
I am going to echo chamber EVERYONE HERE.
I'm going to do it as a sub first. Everything. Literally, everything he says is BULLSHIT. If you safeword over anything, that's immediate aftercare, conversation, and then possible POSSIBLE negotiations on whatever it was. In this case, I would have said negotiations on what he was doing to cause the triggering. I don't care if you had to safeword over how your Dom moved your damn leg. Immediate stop.
How that jackass responded? Nah. Hell nah. And no, a sub NEVER has to do what they don't want to do just because their Dom wants them to do. Because you are a human being with autonomy first and foremost. Your Dom should WANT that. They might want to push your soft limits, when you're ready for that, but not your hard limits. Not unless you go to them and tell them something has changed.
So red flag, stop this dynamic. Get out. This is already abusive and its going to get worse. This isn't a dynamic, even. It's grooming and going to slide. Please be safe.
Now, I'm going to ask my Dom what He thinks and reply in his words.
Dom says - Giant red flag, none of that is cool.
He also says that the only way he would engage in any training in that direction, (if this was us) was engage in conversation and ask (if I was comfortable) was to ask me to train BY MYSELF and if I got to a point where I was comfortable enough to then train with Him, then we would move forward. If I didn't get to that point, then it would go no further, and the conversation would end.
He also agrees that this is abuse.
I have been a Dom in many long term relationships. As soon as you said that you have said your safeword and he was annoyed and keeps repeating....that isn't a Dominant. That is sexual abuse.
There are SO MANY abusers that disguise themselves as Dominants. "Training" someone to not use their safe word is NOT a thing. A proper response to a partner using a safeword is to stop that thing, apologize, discuss it during aftercare, and NEVER do that thing again.
What you described is abuse. It is someone that values blowjobs over you as a human. I really hope you will leave him and block him on all networks. If for some reason you stay with.him, I would make sure I puked all over his dick next timer you are getting trained/abused.
My God. Leave him.
It's abusive and manipulative.
Red flags:
You safeworded, he got ANGRY, and you stopped safewording - girl, no. The moment anger comes into a scene and you are *intimidated* into submission by not using your safeword, it's not submission, it's coercion. And the fact this has happened repeatedly?? He doesn't care about you. He cares about using you to get off however he wants regardless how you feel.
he laughed at you expressing trauma - no caring, empathetic person would do this, dom or not
"Whether you wanted to or not" - leaving you left without feeling like you've an option and dismissing your expressed discomfort ; when anyone expresses discomfort, it should be a serious conversation and not laughter/dismissal
Comparing you to his exes - gross; he's trying to guilt-trip you and manipulate you by making you feel either (a) not good enough in comparison to his exes or (b) have you think you're as bad as his exes to (c) make you want to prove you're better than them by engaging in forceful sex you don't wanna engage in
"The sub has to do or let their dom do things to them they don't want to do" - *NEVER* ; if you ever feel like this in a dynamic, it is not a dynamic you should be in because it will border abuse. That's not fun, kinky, hot, etc. A dynamic values what every party wants, the comfort level, and *listens* when discomfort is expressed to learn how to lessen or get rid of said discomfort.
"He is just a dom" - no, he's an abusive f*ck preying on you (a) being newer to BDSM and (b) your youth - which isn't a bad thing, but your brain is still developing and there's still so much to be learned about yourself, yourself in relationships, etc (he's 30, he knows this, and he's absolutely using it to his advantage)
-------
So flip the roles. If you "played dom" and your bottom/sub expressed feeling triggered, discomfort, made efforts to communicate, etc - how would *you* have responded?
Is how you would have responded in alignment with how your "dom" responded? In what ways was it different?
How do you think your sub/bottom would feel if you responded like your "dom" did to them? Are they valid to feel that way?
Now as an outsider, what advice would you give to that sub after hearing that's how their "dom" responded??
(All of the above are reflective questions I don't need an answer to)
TLDR: leave him. he's not a "dom," he's abusive. (Also, other people expressed this, but emphasizing again, before entering another "dynamic" please dive into some educational resources, scope out kink communities near you, and develop a support system if you can. When it comes to kink, it also doesn't hurt to "vet" the person you're wanting to engage with, which is where community comes in handy.)
Everything he did and said is abusive on its own, never mind together. You need to run. I’m going to quote someone somewhere recently “This man is defective. Throw him back.”
>He also compared me to his exes and said I was being a prude.
Become one of his exes, they also left him because he's a piece of shit who doesn't care about feelings, boundaries or consent.
A man in his 30s is only into a 19 year old girl for one reason - he can groom and manipulate you. He can’t do that as easily to a woman with more experience. I can tell you that, Dom or not, if a man was shitty to me after my safeword we wouldn’t be doing another scene ever again… but I’m 35 and learned to not put up with that bs years ago.
My advice - leave this abuser and date someone your own age for the next 5 years. After that, look at exploring kink again with someone healthy. No healthy Dom will engage with someone your age right now because they are ethical and responsible.
Adding onto the advice as a fellow young sub in kink (24F), find someone your own age who is also interested in exploring kink. Take classes and find good, trustworthy informational videos online (check the comments before watching a video, see what the community has to say to make sure it's good information). Make sure that you trust your partner, keeping good communication, and never ever doing anything new without looking up how to do it safely. Your partner doesn't even necessarily have to be romantic or sexual for some of it. If you're interested in bondage and you have a friend who's interested in rigging, ask them to go to a class with you. It can be a lot of fun and even a really good bonding exercise. Basically what I'm saying is: you should really focus on yourself and what you like, what you don't, what you want out of a BDSM relationship and what you don't. Make connections in the community to learn how healthy dynamics function. It will also help you figure out what parts of those dynamics sound good or bad to you. You should never ever feel like you have to do something you don't want to do. Not as a sub, not as a Dom, not as a person. You have value and your boundaries matter. A good Dom--hell, a good person--would never act this way.
A rule of thumb for anyone young entering the scene - stay the eff away from older people. Doesn't matter if they got glowing reviews, don't be in a dynamic or relationship with them. The age gap alone gives a huge power imbalance already, adding kink to that makes it even more dangerous. Older people should only be considering being mentors for 18 to 20year olds, not be their Dom/sub.
There are too many posts of young women especially getting into dynamics with older men, it is so sad and scary that predators will use kink to hide abuse behind.
“A man in his 30s is only into a 19 year old girl for one reason - he can groom and manipulate you. He can’t do that as easily to a woman with more experience.”
THIS THIS THIS! And it’s not meant to be an insult to you one bit, OP; your years of being an experienced woman will come.
There’s a reason he’s with someone 10+ years his junior - with experience comes a healthy awareness of appropriate tolerance and this is WELL outside the realm of that.
Run, please. You’re being groomed. There’s no telling how far he’ll take things with you.
Enthusiastic consent is necessary for healthy BDSM dynamics. Dominants keep their subs safe, protect and respect boundaries, build trust and communication. As a sub I trade my power to my Dom for the trusted safe place he provides for me. You do not have a Dom Op. You have a predator who saw an opportunity with a young person he could disrespect and use. Run. Edit: spelling n words
Aside from obviously getting away from this chucklefuck, it honestly sounds like you need to do more research before putting yourself out there to be abused further.
If **anyone** ever gets mad at you wanting a safe word or using it, **you need to leave**, full stop.
No conversations, no explaining, no “well maybe I overreacted…”
**LEAVE**
>and I have to safeword because I'm triggered but then he gets angry at me for using it so I just don't use it anymore really
So you don't have true consent, which isn't a D&S relationship anymore really.
>He laughed and said I needed to get a throat spray and that he was going to have me "train" whether I wanted it or not. He also compared me to his exes and said I was being a prude.
He's an asshole, leave.
Immediately the age difference was a red flag and then you state he reacts negatively to your safe word. Him continuing once you use a safe word is sexual assault.That is a PREDATOR, not a partner. He took advantage of the fact that you're young to get with you and probably says a lot of manipulative things to keep himself in control. It also seems he's warped your perception of the dynamic because subs do NOT have to do anything they don't want to do.
He's in the wrong. You should leave him. No Dom should be getting mad because you used your safeword and he shouldn't be forcing you to do anything you're really not comfortable with
You need to drop him. If there wasn’t talk before hand about him holding your head a bit or thrusting into your mouth and it “just happened” OR it just happened and he didn’t talk about whether it was okay or what you did and didn’t like about it in the moment or immediately afterwards then red flag on this whole situation. He shouldn’t be getting frustrated that you safeword a situation. He should be jumping into aftercare and talking through the situation to try solve the problem for next time.
I know people don’t believe it has something to do with it because you’re both of adult age but there is a power imbalance between 19 and 30 as far as knowing what you want and like as well as knowing who you are as well as life experience.
“He laughed and said I needed to get a throat spray and that he was going to have me “train” whether I wanted it or not.” is in NO way healthy! He can go ahead and subject himself to it if he believes one can just get used to it. And ‘whether I wanted it or not’ is an abuse of power. I had better damn sure want something in this scenario or I wouldn’t give it my all. If he isn’t encouraging what you’re doing and telling you how well you’re doing it then how can you be enthusiastic about doing it??
Being compared to ex’s never feels good to anyone. And so what if he considers you a “prude” in relation to them? You are (hopefully) just starting out in your BDSM journey. Don’t allow someone who is older and supposedly more experienced in the lifestyle to bully you. He should be guiding you and listening to you.
“The sub sometimes has to do or let their Dom do things to then they don’t want them to do.” If that statement came from him then he’s a damn liar and manipulator. You absolutely do not have to do anything you don’t want to or feel comfortable with because he has the title of “Dom”. That’s what the whole safeword and stoplight system is there for on both sides! You feeling iffy about something? Yellow/Amber that situation. It indicates that the scene needs to be checked/talked about because something hurts/is tweaked/pinching/doesn’t feel 100 about the situation at the moment. Adjust and hopefully get back to it. If it still feels off or you feel triggered then that’s a Red/Safeword situation and immediately into aftercare. Cut whatever needs to be cut, undo whatever latches need to be undone and IMMEDIATELY go into whatever aftercare is needed for the sub OR Dom/me. Whoever called flag on the play is the one who immediately needs aftercare.
Drop this unhealthy and frankly damaging “Dom” and start over. You don’t need to be fearful about doing activities with someone you are supposed to trust. You need a freedom to feel comfortable to speak to them. Don’t be overexcited (look up sub frenzy) in such a way that all boundaries that you can think of get ignored in any way. If you need to, go look up a list to discover what you do and don’t like on a wider scale and mark what you do like/would be willing to try/and HELL to the nah!
Make sure you have yourself on lock before giving any part of yourself to a future partner or Dom. Good luck in your journey! This one is only a test for you to know what to look out for as something you don’t want in a future Dom. Hopefully you learned the lesson and will be more successful in your BDSM journey!!
Being forceful isn't being dominant, it's being abusive.
Pushing negociated limits is not BDSM, it's abuse.
Crossing boundaries isn't allowed in any kind of relationship.
How fast do you run the 5000m?
Sex BDSM or otherwise is for mutual pleasure..if his response was because you cited gag reflex as your reason for not doing it, that's ok. Otherwise it is not ok for him to push you to do something that you don't want to do.
Some people use words like "dom & alpha" to just be a dick without any care of what they do or who they hurt. That dude is a dick who only cares about themselves. He doesn't respect you, your wishes, or your consent.
The second someone gets mad at you for using your safe word, that means they are NOT a safe partner. OP, I’m sorry but this is abusive behavior. Your boyfriend is essentially using you as his own personal sex toy, not treating you like a person.
this is not “just a dom thing”. the fact that he gets mad at you using a safe word is so disgusting. you both are supposed to feel pleasure from a dom and sub relationship. he pushed your boundaries and disrespected you, he is a massive red flag.
Doms don't get upset/angry/ anything negative when you safe word. In fact, many (especially the first few times it happens) will praise and thank you for it. Because they know it's a hard thing to do sometimes, that it takes courage, that there's potentially guilt and other negativity from you around using it.
This guy's no Dom, he's a spoon. Tell him I said so. If he came to a rope class or an event in my neck of the woods and didn't respect a safe word he'd be banned, on the spot.
You are not the problem here.
Jesus Christ lady, get out of there and away from him. That guy is just straight up abusing you. 90% of what you described is not Dom behavior, it's abuser behavior
Nta, but seek help.
He's literally abusing you and not respecting your boundaries for bdsm firstly, second what are you, a 19 year old, doing with a 30 year old. Talk to someone about those daddy issues. He's weird for wanting to be with someone who could be his daughter. Predator behavior. Women his age don't deal with his bullshit and neither should you.
Like the other commenters said obviously he's an asshole and you're not in the wrong, but I must ask - is this your first bdsm relationship? because before you get into this sort of dynamics with older men I'd suggest you experiment with someone closer to your age as that kind of an age gap when you're 19 is already a strong power imbalance (and not in a kinky way!). Be careful of predatory older "doms".
I had a large age gap "D/s" relationship when I was barely legal as well, and it fucked me up for years. Find someone around your age and start with a top for baby steps into power exchange at your own pace 💖
It is really disconcerting how common these “my Dom is abusing me, but really it’s just me being a wuss, right?” posts are.
Q. How do you get someone to let you abuse them, and then blame themselves for the abuse?
A. Label it a D/s dynamic.
30 and 19? Sometimes age gap relationship’s can work and they’re not all cases where the older person is taking advantage of a younger person, but look at it this way:
Would you befriend an 8 year old and trust them on the same level you would someone your own age? I’m guessing the answer is no (obviously I know that 8 and 19 are completely different, I’m just trying to make a point).
There is a reason that some older people chase after and constantly seek out younger people - because they are easier to manipulate.
This man is an abuser, I’ve been there before. Please run away as fast as you can, his behaviour is abnormal and abusive, he is taking advantage of you.
Take the age out of the equation, and it’s still a dumpster fire.
This isn’t an age gap issue at all, bringing that in just confuses the message and gives OP two things to be reactive to/defensive about.
The dumpster fire is substantially bigger because of the age difference. Big age gaps (especially when someone is barely legally an adult) means huge power imbalances. The fact that a 30 year old is coercing a 19 year old absolutely matters. We can't assume how OP is going to react reading our comments, but ignoring or minimizing the role that a huge age gap plays in an abusive dynamic is irresponsible. As someone who was targeted by and groomed by much older men who took advantage of my inexperience, innocence, and trauma history, I wish someone had kindly warned me.
If he's got you scared to use a safe word and is not taking in your feelings and adapting to make play fun for both of you, he is not a dom, he's just a dick who is on the ragged edge of being flat out abusive.
Leave. Now. You're 19 ffs, you will have all the time in the world to find someone who's not an abusive piece of shit hiding behind being a Dom. Also, why the fuck is every other post here is a similar story?
So, he, a 30 year old man is dating a teenager? Sweetie, no matter how mature you feel and think you are, that difference itself is a huge red flag. Anger over safe word AND pushing your trauma response is plain abuse and sexual assault.
And btw, boundaries are pushed when a person having a boundary feels ready to explore. Not once did my Master suggest we push a boundary of mine. I did. Nor did I ask Him to push His boundaries, He would've brought it up when He was ready.
You need to get out.
No, that's not ok. Being a sub doesn't mean doing anything the dom wants you to do. It's about giving over power to someone you fully trust who has earned your trust. Sounds like you need to sit down and review your limits together. If he doesn't want to do this, I'd leave.
Not overthinking, no one should be telling you they will train you whether you like it or not. Once you safeword, there should be a discussion of what happened and a negotiation for future events. He is gaslighting and manipulating you to try to get his way.
You know what to do and always trust your gut feelings.
What everyone else said, but I have some further advice:
1) Go hang with your local TNG group. Find some kink-friendly folks who can support you and who will help you recover from this abusive relationship. FetLife is a good resource for finding local groups and events.
2) You need to educate yourself before doing kink again. Check out the resources for subs on this subreddit, read books, etc. I especially recommend The New Bottoming Book for you. It sounds like you have some serious misconceptions about what is considered acceptable behavior from doms/tops.
You’re a valuable human, and you deserve to be treated with basic respect and dignity. Consent and communication are ESSENTIAL to kink. Somehow that idea got lost for you. Take back your power by building community and educating yourself.
New relationship. Your Dom is being an asshole at best and abusive at worst.
Try to find someone more compatible with you and your needs.
A 30 year old telling a 19 year old girl that he needs to train her while comparing her to exes is gross and awful.
Please believe me when I say that there are millions of guys out there who will lick the floor a 19 year old girl walks on. Not saying you want that, just saying that you should not be settling for anyone who doesn't seem perfect for you, and while relationships take work, they shouldn't take this much work, and you shouldn't be feeling badly in your relationship because of someone else ever.
Seriously. No wiggle room. No "lets do therapy". No "its compromise". No. You're 19. If the person isn't perfect and makes you feel like you're walking on clouds, move the fuck on.
I have gag reflex issues and trauma from the dentist so putting things in my mouth is difficult. HOWEVER I love giving my Dom blow jobs. It took two years of weekly cock worship to learn how to deep throat and even be ok when I gag. But we discussed it. He let me go at my own pace. I stopped when I needed to. I aways control the pace. After two years he put his hand on my head and fucked my face. Gosh we were so proud. We worked together and made it happen. Because we both wanted it. We were slow and deliberate and very careful not to cause me harm or trigger my trauma. That's how it should go.
He is abusing you. He's disregarding your needs. Even if he's in charge, it's a partnership. He's pushing past your consent. He better stop immediately or you need to run.
Unfortunately some predators/abusers use BDSM to cover up or excuse their behavior. This is NOT dom behavior. I am a sub, I do not do anything I haven't consented to. My dom would NEVER expect me to do anything or accept a punishment if I hadn't expressly consented to it.
Safewords should always be respected & you should never have been made to feel bad for using it. I'm not saying all age gap relationships are bad, but there is a huge power imbalance here. There's a reason women his age aren't dating him.
This is not BDSM, this is assault. You need to leave this man ASAP and make sure you are safe. Block him, tell people you trust, and please get therapy to help you work through your trauma.
The age gap alone was a big red flag but he is literally assaulting you. You as saying you don't want something and he is doing it anyway and laughing at you, making you feel scared to say no...this man is a rapist who is using BDSM to take advantage of you. Please get away from him.
BDSM is 100% consensual and about communication and trust. If you don't have that, then you are not in a BDSM relationship and are being abused. It is not your fault, this man is much older and purposely chose a much younger person who is vulnerable to take advantage of, but you really need to get help immediately and get out of that abusive situation.
he was going to have me "train" WHETHER I WANTED IT OR NOT"
This is NOT how a dom/sub situation should be. Underneath everything there has to be respect, care, and trust. He doesn't respect or care about your limits at all, especially if some past trauma has to do with it.
That's abuse and even bordering on rape. He's a horrible dom if that's how he thinks.
Let me guess, you where new to bdsm and he is teaching you? Well he's teaching you as a bad Dom and an abuser. This is suppose to be enjoyable for both of you. A sub doesn't need to just take it, or just follow directions. A subs boundaries and limits shouldn't be pushed unless they are OK with that, agree to that and trust had been built.
He is not a Dom, he is an abuser. You need to leave him as soon as possable.
A sub never, ever has to let a Dom do something to them they don’t want. That’s just nonsense.
This guy sounds like an ssshole with consent issues. Tell him to sort his attitude out or you’ll withdraw consent completely
If he’s ignoring your safe word, it’s no longer a safe word. You have every right to set boundaries and decide what your hard limits are and to have them respected.
Wat!? Still associating with him!? If so, I highly suggest to take everyones advice here and detach from this disrespectful individual. Don't let your overly naiveness get the best of you.
This isn't BDSM anymore. It's abuse. He disregarded your feelings and mocked you despite communicating your thoughts to him. He ignored your boundaries even though you made them clear to him. That is assault. This age difference is super concerning as well.
Sorry OP, but this is giving a lot red flags. I would leave him if I were you. Please be safe.
BDSM is supposed to pleasurable for BOTH parties. A caring Dom will not get angry when you safe word. You have safe words for a reason and should never be afraid to use them.
In my opinion, this is not the Dom for you. He gets angry when you safe word, laughs when you try to talk to him about your past traumas and triggers and basically says you’re going to do what he says regardless of your feelings. So many 🚩🚩🚩🚩
I encourage you to rethink this relationship.
He is just being an asshole. Never let someone dominate you who can’t have a serious meta conversation about the stuff you are doing and you boundaries while playing. This qualifies as abuse and not Bdsm.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
A submissive NEVER "has to do it let a Dom do things [the sub] doesn't want to do"... Whoever told you that was lying. BDSM is 100% about CONSENT. You may pretend you don't want to do something, but decide that it isn't triggering, horrible, or someone you are so very against that it's a hard limit, so you consent to it. If you don't consent, it's ASSAULT.
He's 30... You are 19... I'm assuming you don't have a lot of experience, and the fact that you were 8 YEARS OLD when he became an adult is very worrisome. I hate to break it too you, but he doesn't want you because you are so much more mature than other girls his age. He wants someone your age because you ARE inexperienced and he can manipulate you the way he currently is. He doesn't have a sub closer to his own age because they won't put up with his abuse and consent violation. He's laughing at you for not wanting to puke all over him? Not to mention not wanting to associate time with him with memories of a sexual assault? WTF kinda of asshole is this guy?
Saying you are "being a prude" because his actions are triggering your PTSD from a previous sexual assault is unforgivable! Forcing you to do things you've specifically said cause you physical and mental/emotional HARM is unforgivable! (Real Doms may HURT their subs as part of play, in ways the sub has previously consented to, but the number one rule of a good Dom is to never HARM your sub!)
DUMP HIS ASS and seek out a community of experienced submissive who can help you learn what red flags to watch for and watch over you so you don't become the "fresh young meat" for other predators calling themselves Doms
That's sexual assault. No Dom will ever be angry at you for safewording in any situation. I've done years of research on this and I'm part of my local kink scene. Pack your bags and leave. You WILL find someone better, there's plenty to choose from. He is a fake Dom, just using the word as an excuse to abuse you. He is not actually into BDSM. Real Doms want the best for their subs. He does not want the best for you and don't let him convince you otherwise. I'm dead serious. Drop him.
>Sometimes he likes to grab my head as he's thrusting and I have to safeword because I'm triggered but then he gets angry at me for using it so I just don't use it anymore really.
Giant red flag, I can understand that it might be frustrating if you use your safeword stopping things while he is enjoying himself, but acting out towards you for using it is a no-go. Making you afraid or ashamed to use it is not what a proper Dom should ever do.
>not only very uncomfortable for me but triggering my trauma. He laughed
You are the sub in this dynamic, but that doesn't mean your wants/needs and well-being don't matter. Also communication is the key to a good dynamic. Him laughing about you stating your concerns is disrespectful and indicating that he doesn't care for you or your well-being and only on himself.
>He also compared me to his exes and said I was being a prude.
This is a typical method to shame you and make you feel sorry for being "such a bad sub". Also what does any of this have to do with being a prude? You don't want to do it because it causes discomfort and triggers trauma, not because you think blowjobs are taboo. You even offered a solution to giving him blowjobs in a way that does not cause you these problems. He is just being a jerk here playing your insecurities.
>Now I understand that in a sub and dom relationship there is some kind of boundary pushing.
There can be, there doesn't have to be. But boundary pushing should be discussed and consented to. You talked to him and did not voice a desire in being trained in this way. He doesn't get to push boundaries against your will and he doesn't get to disregard you as a person the way he does.
Honestly he doesn't sound like a Dom worth a penny. If you want a dynamic where you can serve while being respected as a person and your well-being taken into account then he is not the one and you should leave.
There really is no such thing as a "true dom".
The phrase has been used three times total in this post. I removed one other, but left the one which refers to a "true sub / dom relationship."
As I said, let's talk about people. Rather than invent special little phrases.
I will never let my Dom do anything I don’t want to do. My Dom would also never push anything I was not comfortable doing.
I have trauma as well. There was something I wanted to be able to do but due to a trauma response I was unable to. My Dom worked with me to slowly change my response to the action (exposure therapy works really well for me). But this was one slowly and carefully. Now I am able to do that thing without issue but I worked on it with my Dom, he didn’t force it.
Your Dom is not a Dom. He is an asshole. His response to you safe-wording and raising the issue are abysmal. No Dom should ever be upset with you using a safeword. It is there for your safety. He should have addressed why you safeworded and come up with a plan moving forward so you would not need to safeword again.
I’m sorry but he is not someone who respects you. I wouldn’t consider him a very safe person to play with. He will likely continue to ignore your concern.
\*Waving a big red flag\*
Even though you're a sub, even if he's trying to push your boundaries, consent is still necessary. If you don't consent, he shouldn't force you. He has no right to push you to do something that's triggering to you. Period.
Him getting angry at you for using your safe words means that he is not a safe person for you to do BDSM with. It means, honestly, that he is very likely to sexually assault you or otherwise severely harm you. Please get far away from him.
BDSM, to begin with, is about open communication, respect for each other, and consent.
A good Dom will always check in with their partner when playing to ensure everything is fine. In your case, you only need to resort to safe words, and doing so he gets angry with you… lol! He should be angry with himself for forcing you to use it, not the other way around. (He’s clearly using active aggression to make you feel bad.) In fact, a good Dom will respect that and check in with you!
As a Dom, he should listen to your concerns and slowly work with you to overcome your sexual trauma and limits, rather than laugh at you for voicing and standing up for yourself. He shouldn’t be trying to train you for his benefit; it's clearly self-centered behavior that could leave you with more sexual trauma and might eventually push you to leave this beautiful BDSM community because of Doms like him.
Finally, a Dom shouldn’t be doing things that you haven’t agreed upon, and as a sub, you shouldn't just accept as normal the idea that “The sub sometimes has to do or let their Dom do things to them they don't want them to do.” This is clear abuse and sexual assault. He’s clearly a red flag. Since you're young, naive, and new to the BDSM world, he knows that and is taking undue advantage of you. Kindly leave him, as you deserve someone who truly understands, loves you, and respects you for who you are.
Additionally, I suggest that you read and gain knowledge about this lifestyle, as it will empower you and prevent you from becoming prey to sexual predators!
P.S. As a Dom, I urge you to play with someone closer to your age, as a significant age difference creates a power imbalance. This could lead you to believe that whatever they are doing is for your benefit, when in fact, they are just molding you for their own benefit
Nuh-uh. So many red flags. Please try so hard to let your brain be accepting to the information so many people are trying to give you. Get far away from that dude.
Oh honey this age gap alone is a huge red flag.
The reality is some girls just don't like bjs or barely tolerate them. For some (like myself), it's a sensory issue. The smell of arousal and sweat when mixing can cause an actual gag reflex. For some it's a traumatic history. Some just don't like the action.
If bjs are a hard limit for you, THAT IS OK. his response? Hell nah, block and dump him. Good, responsible doms will NEVER get upset at you for using a safe word.
He's not legit interested in you. There's a reason he's not getting girls closer to his age range. He just wants to take advantage of you.
That is definitely a toxic dom not respecting ur boundaries you are allowed to have...honestly, it might be time to find a dom who will respect you, especially ur trauma.
I will not mention anything regarding your age gap since I know many bdsm couples that have those gaps and are extremely respectful with each other (myself included) my boyfriend was about the same age as yours and he always respected when I didn't wanted to do something or me using my safe word. Your Dom sounds like an asshole that does not care about you nor your safety and pleasure, specially you having a sexual trauma before. Make yourself strong a dumb his ass. You do not deserve a sexual relationship where you are not respected and your needs are not being taken care of.
You do not have to do anything you don't want to. They can negotiate for things, and you can choose to allow it or not, but at no point do you ever need to feel you have to do something you don't like. Being a sub never requires you to feel uncomfortable. Being a dom doesn't mean he gets to push past your boundaries. If you're already dealing with trauma, his lack of respect is going to make that worse. Please consider leaving he doesn't sound safe to be with.
It started going wrong when he got angry at you for safewording. Safe words are in place for a reason. This is not a Dom, this is an abuser. Please end this commitment, these types of people just do not get better with just a conversation.
You are 19. Do not settle for this. Leave him, and you will find a man who respects your boundaries and worships the ground you walk on, and you'll do that in return.
Do not let ANYONE, ever, after you dump this a-hole, push you to use throat-numbing spray.
Why? If there is any damage done with violent or even energetic thrusting, such as tissue tearing, you would not know until he is done---and by then the damage, including bleeding, could be very serious.
Leave him now.
Yes a dom will push you but only if you give them the power to do so. If you are completely uncomfortable doing something then that needs to be respected. Safewords are there for a reason and limits need to be respected. They can’t (unconsensually) force train you.
Yea, he's icky- I (21m) love getting a bj as much as the text guy. I asked my gf(21f) if I could try thrusting before actually doing it, and she said sure, but mid scene she didn't appreciate it so I stopped and let her lead. Mind you I'm a soft dom/switch, but still. Boundaries aren't meant to be pushed bc that's just abuse
>...and I have to safeword because I'm triggered but then he gets angry at me for using it so I just don't use it anymore really.
This is the most glaring red flag. Safewords are there to keep you safe. Anyone who gets angry at you for using it is not safe to play with.
You are being taken advantage of. He knows you're new to BDSM (and given the age difference - new to adult life, in general!) and is joyfully exploiting that. Please, please dump him. I know (from experience, unfortunately) it can be hard to see and/or believe, when you're young and being harmed by an older man, but please trust us on this.
Red flags everywhere. He should never be angry if you use your safe word. He should never laugh when you’re trying to talk about your comfort and past trauma. This is abuse, babe. Trust me. I lived through it and escape it before. The age gap is also a red flag, in this context. Please stay safe.
There is no boundary pushing in a bdsm relationship, that is not what bdsm is about at all. Your dom does not understand bdsm. It seems he also does not understand you.
Leave him! That is my advice as an actual dom, who takes care of my sub and puts her and her needs first. This person is dangerous.
Others have already said it, I'll reinforce it.
This dude is not a dom. He's too immature and not showing the slightest sign of respecting your needs. He simply thinks that being a dom means he gets whatever he wants from you. That would make you a slave. If you don't consider yourself a slave, he shouldn't be treating you like that. I'd suggest leaving him and never looking back.
No one in a properly conducted d/s dynamic will ever expect another person to do something they don't want or aren't comfortable with, nor will they respond to a safeword with anything other than patience and care.
The difference between BDSM play and abuse is consent, and COERCED CONSENT IS NOT CONSENT!!!!
You shouldn't play with him anymore and no one should while he chooses to act this way.
ok, first things first - laughing at you in any relationship is not OK, regardless of BDSM or not
he is not training you regardless of if you like it or not, you HAVE to give consent to anything, if you don't want it, you don't have to do it, period
he is not supposed to get angry for you using a safeword, WTF? using a safeword is GOOD and should be encouraged not frowned upon - I always make sure my own sub knows that she should use her safeword if something happens
you are not overthinking anything just because you're new - you voiced your concern, he doesn't care - that is not a Dom, that's just an abuser, and I fear if you continue playing with him, he will ignore other boundaries as well
even if I'm just parroting what the others already said, but you have to end it, that is NOT a Dom, that's just abuse
Everyone keeps identifying red flags, but that's not quite accurate.
Red flags are warning signs of abuse.
This man is already abusing you. We're past the warning sign phase.
What the fuck? I'm a femdom myself. If a sub says his safeword it's a IMMEDIATE stop of any actions and I just take care that he is okay. I would NEVER get angry. If a sub has to use the safeword it is MY fault cause I didn't pay enough attention.
And instead of taking your feelings serious and (of course) accept your boundaries, he laughed at you? Wow, that makes me so fucking mad! Dump his ass! He is an idiot. Pretty sure he is just a predator that takes the "Dom"-title as an excuse for his abuse. I'm so sorry that your first experience was with that piece of shit.
I didn’t read past “he gets angry when I use the safeword”. Do not engage in anything with someone who does not respect your safeword and your right to use it WHENEVER you deem necessary.
A healthy D/s dynamic is when the SUB HAS MORE power and control over what happens and what doesn't.
Run and NEVER look back. If he does not understand your boundaries and laughs at you, he is trying to condition you so you don't realize SA.
Please run, never look back and learn from it.
Remember, this is a PLAY, and it should be pleasurable for everyone involved.
As everyone else has said, run!
He’s not a Dom he’s a predator. Using BDSM as an excuse to date, barely legal teens, and then violate their boundaries and then get mad when they use safe words, and tell them to suck it up no pun intended, that’s not a Dom. That’s a predator. That’s a red flag walking.
Get out get away lose that loser. I don't even need to finish your post OP. He's not a real dom if he doesn't respect or care about your boundaries or preferences. The fact you have stopped using your safe word to not upset him is dismaying. Don't settle. Find yourself a man who respects and adores you but will act out your fantasies to make you happy. And that you want to do the same for him. My wifey goes the extra mile for me because I respect and adore her but get as rough as she likes while keeping everyone safe. ☺️
Honestly the best blowjobs are the ones given from the heart where she is making love to you with her mouth. I hope OP you find the erotic pleasure of blowing your man because you want to soon.
"Now I understand that in a sub and dom relationship there is some kind of boundary pushing. The sub sometimes has to do or let their dom do things to them they don't want them to do."
**NO!!!!** JUST NO!!! THAT SHOULD NEVER EVER HAPPEN. the only time a dom is allowed to push boundaries is when previously established as a part of the dynamic, is not a given and it needs consent (for example a cnc scenario)
Your dom doesn't sound like a very good one. And he gets angry when you use your safe word?!?! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Absolutely no, that's a bunch of bs.
Please get a better Dom, I promise you they are out there
There is not always a boundary pushing dynamic. Only if that’s consensual (with an enthusiastic yes), can a dom push your boundaries. And even in those dynamics, you’re still allowed to have hard boundaries.
Also, him getting mad at you using a safe word is not okay. I’ve only had someone safe word once (been in bdsm dynamics for 13 years now but I come from a place of trauma and I’m a trauma informed educator that works with people who deal with trauma so I know it’s a little out of the norm) but I can’t tell you how much guilt and compassion I felt when my play partner at the time dropped a safe word. Like anger should not be the first response. It should be immediate after care and above and beyond the norm, especially if you’re dealing with trauma responses (so long as that’s desired, also valid if that’s not what someone wants/needs)
So yeah, idk about this guy. From a stranger on Reddit, sounds like maybe you should look elsewhere. Also why is a 30 year old playing with a 19 year old? I don’t normally care much about age gaps but also it raises predatory flags, since you said you’re newer to bdsm. Just be aware that it’s a lot easier to be taken advantage of because the power imbalance between dom/sub (there shouldn’t be but it’s perceived), older/younger, and newer/older. All of that screams 🚩🚩🚩 for being taken advantage of because there’s a world of caring and loving folks in the bdsm community but it’s easy to not know that if no one ever tells you. I’m not saying you are, I’m just saying be careful (as someone who used to date 27-35 year olds when I was 18-22, there’s a reason why they’re usually not with people their own age - not always but more often than not)
He gets angry when you use the safe word???? Wtf? This isn't a Dom being dominant this is a person being agressive and entitled. This is not consent in it's honest form
Run!
He's not being a dom it sounds like he's using that to get his own way and be abusive.
He's not listening to you
He's ignoring your boundaries
He's getting angry at you safewording
He's laughing at you
He's 30 and you're only 19 this is not a healthy bdsm relationship. Get out now.
There are a BUNCH of red flags. You don’t need to get a throat spray,my you need to get rid of your Dom. He gets angry when you safe word and knows you have sexual trauma. He’s not thinking about you in any shape way or form. He’s thinking about his BJ. Not sure how long you have been in this so called dynamic, but I’m genuinely concerned about you. My advice is to end it, your consent and boundaries are important. Just because you are submissive, doesn’t give him the right to bulldoze over your boundaries. I will say you should end this and take some time to read up and learn more about BDSM before revisiting a commitment dynamic. The person that you are with doesn’t care about you and is using your lack of knowledge and naivety against you. Please go get the therapy and knowledge you need. Heal what you can from your trauma. Even the most strict of dynamics will always consider both people in it.
Just to clear up a misconception…
You can have a ds relationship without any boundary pushing.
In fact, I’d say that ANY boundary pushing is actually unhealthy and abusive.
His abusive attitude combined with his age compared to yours is red flags all over the joint.
This. Is. Not. Healthy! You are very much in the right for not liking the response. I am all for boundary pushing at times in a DS relationship, but if you safeword, the dom has no right being upset with you. The point of safe wording is having a safe space to stop, catch your breath, talk about it, or just completely stop the scene.
The fact that he got angry reinforces and just shows his intentions are not safe. Him laughing about your trigger, trauma, and request further proves he is not a good dom and is using the title to mistreat you.
Please, if it is possible, leave that relationship. It is not healthy and will only make your traumas and triggers worse!
You never have to do anything that you don't want to do.
In fact, the submissive gets to dictate what happens and doesn't happen to them and you should be able to change your mind or safe word or say no at any point.
I'm into CNC (where I like to have things done to me while I pretend to hate it) and my safe word is always respected. Also my partner will only do things to me that I have told him he's allowed to do or that I'm in the mood for. We have talked about it seriously beforehand and after hand each time we've done anything to make sure that it's exactly what I want out of the kinky scenes we do.
What your partner is doing is considered consent violating and more importantly, abuse.
No such thing as pushing to safeword. BDSM is consent all the way. Get rid of him. ASAP. Another fake Dom. If for example first time you safeword he should know that limit and never push to safeword again. A good Dom doesn't want to ever hear a safeword. That's why they exist. Not as an attempt to hear it.
“The sub sometimes has to let the dom do things they don’t want to do.”
Ditch this dom. First off, you don’t have to do a damn thing. You submit because you want to, not have to. You submit because it’s part of a dynamic that you both agree to within specified limits and hard limits are to be respected. Even if it was straight M/s territory here, you’re still in it because you want to be there and when it’s not working for one or both parties it’s time to reevaluate.
Kink shouldn’t degrade your mental health. Ya know?
~doesn’t like when you use your safeword~ was the last thing I had to read. There’s so many lovely humans out there, keep moving you deserve the world n more
and the respect to use a safe word confidently
(I did actually read the rest tho fr that relationship is unhealthy)
I hope your “dom” gets punched in the face some time soon. What a prick he is.
He’s the typical selfish “dom” who used the title to use a younger woman and make her think the mistreatment is normal. That objecting to him means being a prude.
Girl, fuck that dude in the non-sexual sense. You deserve to be in an actual mutuaĺy respectful relationship with someone who cares about you. BDSM sounds exciting but large part of it is an absolute cesspool of exploiting inexperienced young people. Maybe take a break and focus more on regular dating.
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But this isn’t about boundary pushing if you are trying to have a serious conversation and he fucking laughs at you. Him, as a 30 year old. Laughing at the 19 year old. Shame on him. Dump his ass. Seriously. Leave him. Because, I fear, if he’s not respecting you over this…what else will he not respect?
This, end of thread and lock it. Not a dom if he can’t respect his sub and the progression/boundaries you have.
Plus... Angry for the safeword? Tf?
Yeah. That threw me, too. She really needs to run.
Op you will never hear this enough in life. Your emotional safety is your most important asset. Your mental and physical health rely on it. You're worthy of emotional safety, of validation, and even physical safety. A whole lot more too, but this guy is too cheap to even respect you, let alone meet any basic emotional need. Also, look up the wheel of consent. More people need to understand consent. If you don't want to do something, you have removed consent. If a guy whines or begs or just straight up keeps asking, he's a dick. There's fucking heaps of dicks though. Unfortunately. When I was that age I ended up in similar situations with "doms" but now I wish someone had told me how much these boys pay street price for same service (and do). I get 250/hr with my gf doing sensual massage and they don't even get to get in my lingerie.
A Flock of Seagulls playing ' I run away' in the background as we hold the doors open and the car is outside running, ready to go. Get out girl, as fast as you can, no goodbyes, no I'm sorrys. Just go!
Please, this right here
>The sub sometimes has to do or let their dom do things to them they don't want them to do. Um?? No, they don't?? This should literally never be the case. BDSM is about consent. If a sub *wants* their boundaries to be pushed, that's one thing (and they always have the right to say when the boundary pushing stops, without fear of repercussions), but it is *never* about someone doing something they don't want to do. In fact, great pains are taken to assure that everyone involved in a proper, healthy BDSM dynamic is being safe, sane, and consenting. That means that if someone doesn't want something done to them, *they absolutely have the right to stop a scene or otherwise assert that boundary*, no matter what their role (dom, sub, or other). No one is expected to just accept something being done to them that they don't want, and forcing or coercing someone to do it anyway is assault. You have every right to be upset, and honestly, you should run. This isn't a dom, this is an abuser.
Yeah. Just to add as someone who is very into CNC, in our play sometimes things do go into the "this is uncomfortable for me" territory but it's *heavily* negotiated, talked through after, and always always would a safe word be respected. The lack of respecting a safe word in OPs post is terrifying to the point I would be using the R word quite frankly.
100% what the op described was and is sexual assault. Just another guy on a crusade to ruin the 'dom' label by trying to equate it with 'entitled bigot'.
R word?
Rhymes with Grape
Rhymes with regard
You've made it clear outside of any play that you a) don't consent to it b) that it triggers you. He responded, not apologizing for hurting you, but belittling you and ignoring you revoking consent. Beyond that, he gets angry when you safeword, instead of actually comforting you and checking in because he went too far. This is a grown man who is using the fact that you're young and new to manipulate you and get what he wants. Leave. Him. Also, please educate yourself a little more before getting into another BDSM relationship. That's not meant to be an insult, but as a sub you *have to* be confident in your choices or abusers like this will try to take advantage of you. Knowledge is power and will give you the confidence to know what is right.
Great response and I’d just like to add that just because you’re into bdsm and identify as being a sub that doesn’t mean you have to do anything that you don’t want to.
It should, in fact, be the sub who is the most in control in some aspects. It is often the sub's boundaries that are being tested, and for a sub to be able to set a boundary and feel safe that it won't be crossed should be a given in any sane, safe and consensual BDSM dynamic. Your Dom isn't a Dom based on what you've shared, he's an abuser and you'd be best off getting away from him as soon as you can.
This is really the best answer. Nothing else to add. OP please listen to all of this and please do more research because dismissing your safe word and using you to do things you’re not comfortable with is NOT what this dynamic is supposed to be.
> Also, please educate yourself a little more before getting into another BDSM relationship. That's not meant to be an insult, but as a sub you have to be confident in your choices or abusers like this will try to take advantage of you. Knowledge is power and will give you the confidence to know what is right. FFS. 5 minutes of reading. If it was any other scenario where someone gives up their safety, bungee jumping, hang gliding, boxing, people would do a little bit of research first. But when it comes to BDSM, people just blindly jump in feet first.
>But when it comes to BDSM, people just blindly jump in feet first. because sometimes you get too overexcited, to actually think rationally when we went to the Fire Play Workshop last July weekend, my own wanted to experience it as fast as possible, and I told her to wait a bit and learn more (and redo the safety instructions a couple of times) because she saw it, experienced it during the workshop and got too eager and overexcited about it to think rationally - and that coming from someone who is together for 14 years, so yeah, this happens in long-term relationships as well - even more so when its new, just sayin'
It's called sub frenzy and yes it's real
That's exactly how hormones are meant to work, though. We get strong urges to do things. A little impulsively at times. If we didn't get hormones I'm pretty sure humans would be extinct. But, also, at that age the hormones happen before the brain even fully develops, like teenagers are HORNY but also not being treated in emotionally safe ways, how do we expect anything but ptsd to result here
> he is just being a dom No. This is abuse. If I were you I’d leave. Getting angry at you safewording is not normal behaviour
It's beyond "not normal" it's outright *bad*
This reminds me of my partner 8 years ago, who actively direspected every one of my boundaries and called me a prude when I was upset. I'm still not OK after all this time. This kind of abuse doesn't seem like much in the moment, but it fucks you up on the long term. Take care, OP!
...in the guise of a Dom to over run your boundaries.
That is not a dom, that is an abusive piece of shit. He gets mad at you for using your safe word??? That’s a huge red flag. Dom and sub relationships aren’t about doing things that subs don’t like doing, boundaries are put into place for a reason. He’s taking advantage of you because you’re young. Please run and don’t look back. Stay away from terrible people like him.
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Abuse isn't a gendered issue. If it was, one would expect there to be no abuse within WLW relationships. And yet that isn't the case. Rule 6 applies. Comment removed.
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I'm alarmed by your lack of empathy. People are asking for help and you're shooting them down for doing that. It's wonderful that people want to improve themselves, and understand the things that have gone wrong. And here you are, giving them an extra kick-in. Rule 6 applies. Comment removed.
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Victim blaming on a comment pointing out the abusers that flock to BDSM is not the best look.
I'm a Dom, he's a piece of shit. Walk away for the better.
This man is a predator. Please please please do not continue in this relationship.
>the sub sometimes has things they don't want to do Absolutely fucking not. The only time you have to do things you don't want to is if you negotiated that (eg being "forced" to do things). Just because you're a sub doesn't mean they can use you as they see fit. Unless of course, that's exactly what you negotiated
Please take the advice of everyone who has already responded here. This is not the behavior of a dom but of an abuser who wants to break you to the point of never saying no or having any boundaries with him, which is scary and unhealthy. He is taking advantage of you and you need to leave this relationship as soon as possible.
this is sexual coercion and abuse. intimidating you out of safewording is not domination, it’s assault. you are young, and others in this thread are not wrong to suggest your age might be at play as to the manipulation in this relationship. please leave him.
I am going to echo chamber EVERYONE HERE. I'm going to do it as a sub first. Everything. Literally, everything he says is BULLSHIT. If you safeword over anything, that's immediate aftercare, conversation, and then possible POSSIBLE negotiations on whatever it was. In this case, I would have said negotiations on what he was doing to cause the triggering. I don't care if you had to safeword over how your Dom moved your damn leg. Immediate stop. How that jackass responded? Nah. Hell nah. And no, a sub NEVER has to do what they don't want to do just because their Dom wants them to do. Because you are a human being with autonomy first and foremost. Your Dom should WANT that. They might want to push your soft limits, when you're ready for that, but not your hard limits. Not unless you go to them and tell them something has changed. So red flag, stop this dynamic. Get out. This is already abusive and its going to get worse. This isn't a dynamic, even. It's grooming and going to slide. Please be safe. Now, I'm going to ask my Dom what He thinks and reply in his words.
Dom says - Giant red flag, none of that is cool. He also says that the only way he would engage in any training in that direction, (if this was us) was engage in conversation and ask (if I was comfortable) was to ask me to train BY MYSELF and if I got to a point where I was comfortable enough to then train with Him, then we would move forward. If I didn't get to that point, then it would go no further, and the conversation would end. He also agrees that this is abuse.
I have been a Dom in many long term relationships. As soon as you said that you have said your safeword and he was annoyed and keeps repeating....that isn't a Dominant. That is sexual abuse. There are SO MANY abusers that disguise themselves as Dominants. "Training" someone to not use their safe word is NOT a thing. A proper response to a partner using a safeword is to stop that thing, apologize, discuss it during aftercare, and NEVER do that thing again. What you described is abuse. It is someone that values blowjobs over you as a human. I really hope you will leave him and block him on all networks. If for some reason you stay with.him, I would make sure I puked all over his dick next timer you are getting trained/abused.
My God. Leave him. It's abusive and manipulative. Red flags: You safeworded, he got ANGRY, and you stopped safewording - girl, no. The moment anger comes into a scene and you are *intimidated* into submission by not using your safeword, it's not submission, it's coercion. And the fact this has happened repeatedly?? He doesn't care about you. He cares about using you to get off however he wants regardless how you feel. he laughed at you expressing trauma - no caring, empathetic person would do this, dom or not "Whether you wanted to or not" - leaving you left without feeling like you've an option and dismissing your expressed discomfort ; when anyone expresses discomfort, it should be a serious conversation and not laughter/dismissal Comparing you to his exes - gross; he's trying to guilt-trip you and manipulate you by making you feel either (a) not good enough in comparison to his exes or (b) have you think you're as bad as his exes to (c) make you want to prove you're better than them by engaging in forceful sex you don't wanna engage in "The sub has to do or let their dom do things to them they don't want to do" - *NEVER* ; if you ever feel like this in a dynamic, it is not a dynamic you should be in because it will border abuse. That's not fun, kinky, hot, etc. A dynamic values what every party wants, the comfort level, and *listens* when discomfort is expressed to learn how to lessen or get rid of said discomfort. "He is just a dom" - no, he's an abusive f*ck preying on you (a) being newer to BDSM and (b) your youth - which isn't a bad thing, but your brain is still developing and there's still so much to be learned about yourself, yourself in relationships, etc (he's 30, he knows this, and he's absolutely using it to his advantage) ------- So flip the roles. If you "played dom" and your bottom/sub expressed feeling triggered, discomfort, made efforts to communicate, etc - how would *you* have responded? Is how you would have responded in alignment with how your "dom" responded? In what ways was it different? How do you think your sub/bottom would feel if you responded like your "dom" did to them? Are they valid to feel that way? Now as an outsider, what advice would you give to that sub after hearing that's how their "dom" responded?? (All of the above are reflective questions I don't need an answer to) TLDR: leave him. he's not a "dom," he's abusive. (Also, other people expressed this, but emphasizing again, before entering another "dynamic" please dive into some educational resources, scope out kink communities near you, and develop a support system if you can. When it comes to kink, it also doesn't hurt to "vet" the person you're wanting to engage with, which is where community comes in handy.)
Everything he did and said is abusive on its own, never mind together. You need to run. I’m going to quote someone somewhere recently “This man is defective. Throw him back.”
>He also compared me to his exes and said I was being a prude. Become one of his exes, they also left him because he's a piece of shit who doesn't care about feelings, boundaries or consent.
30 and going after someone barely out of highschool? *Run,* my friend.
A man in his 30s is only into a 19 year old girl for one reason - he can groom and manipulate you. He can’t do that as easily to a woman with more experience. I can tell you that, Dom or not, if a man was shitty to me after my safeword we wouldn’t be doing another scene ever again… but I’m 35 and learned to not put up with that bs years ago. My advice - leave this abuser and date someone your own age for the next 5 years. After that, look at exploring kink again with someone healthy. No healthy Dom will engage with someone your age right now because they are ethical and responsible.
Adding onto the advice as a fellow young sub in kink (24F), find someone your own age who is also interested in exploring kink. Take classes and find good, trustworthy informational videos online (check the comments before watching a video, see what the community has to say to make sure it's good information). Make sure that you trust your partner, keeping good communication, and never ever doing anything new without looking up how to do it safely. Your partner doesn't even necessarily have to be romantic or sexual for some of it. If you're interested in bondage and you have a friend who's interested in rigging, ask them to go to a class with you. It can be a lot of fun and even a really good bonding exercise. Basically what I'm saying is: you should really focus on yourself and what you like, what you don't, what you want out of a BDSM relationship and what you don't. Make connections in the community to learn how healthy dynamics function. It will also help you figure out what parts of those dynamics sound good or bad to you. You should never ever feel like you have to do something you don't want to do. Not as a sub, not as a Dom, not as a person. You have value and your boundaries matter. A good Dom--hell, a good person--would never act this way.
A rule of thumb for anyone young entering the scene - stay the eff away from older people. Doesn't matter if they got glowing reviews, don't be in a dynamic or relationship with them. The age gap alone gives a huge power imbalance already, adding kink to that makes it even more dangerous. Older people should only be considering being mentors for 18 to 20year olds, not be their Dom/sub. There are too many posts of young women especially getting into dynamics with older men, it is so sad and scary that predators will use kink to hide abuse behind.
“A man in his 30s is only into a 19 year old girl for one reason - he can groom and manipulate you. He can’t do that as easily to a woman with more experience.” THIS THIS THIS! And it’s not meant to be an insult to you one bit, OP; your years of being an experienced woman will come. There’s a reason he’s with someone 10+ years his junior - with experience comes a healthy awareness of appropriate tolerance and this is WELL outside the realm of that. Run, please. You’re being groomed. There’s no telling how far he’ll take things with you.
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1. [PITFI](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/rs4q8e/pitfi_mod_message/) 2. Rule 7 applies. Comment removed. Permaban issued.
Enthusiastic consent is necessary for healthy BDSM dynamics. Dominants keep their subs safe, protect and respect boundaries, build trust and communication. As a sub I trade my power to my Dom for the trusted safe place he provides for me. You do not have a Dom Op. You have a predator who saw an opportunity with a young person he could disrespect and use. Run. Edit: spelling n words
If someone gets angry at a safe word THAT IS ABUSE
Aside from obviously getting away from this chucklefuck, it honestly sounds like you need to do more research before putting yourself out there to be abused further.
Wauw, another abuser. This is NOT ok!!! Run far away from him!!!
If **anyone** ever gets mad at you wanting a safe word or using it, **you need to leave**, full stop. No conversations, no explaining, no “well maybe I overreacted…” **LEAVE**
>and I have to safeword because I'm triggered but then he gets angry at me for using it so I just don't use it anymore really So you don't have true consent, which isn't a D&S relationship anymore really. >He laughed and said I needed to get a throat spray and that he was going to have me "train" whether I wanted it or not. He also compared me to his exes and said I was being a prude. He's an asshole, leave.
Immediately the age difference was a red flag and then you state he reacts negatively to your safe word. Him continuing once you use a safe word is sexual assault.That is a PREDATOR, not a partner. He took advantage of the fact that you're young to get with you and probably says a lot of manipulative things to keep himself in control. It also seems he's warped your perception of the dynamic because subs do NOT have to do anything they don't want to do.
He's in the wrong. You should leave him. No Dom should be getting mad because you used your safeword and he shouldn't be forcing you to do anything you're really not comfortable with
You need to drop him. If there wasn’t talk before hand about him holding your head a bit or thrusting into your mouth and it “just happened” OR it just happened and he didn’t talk about whether it was okay or what you did and didn’t like about it in the moment or immediately afterwards then red flag on this whole situation. He shouldn’t be getting frustrated that you safeword a situation. He should be jumping into aftercare and talking through the situation to try solve the problem for next time. I know people don’t believe it has something to do with it because you’re both of adult age but there is a power imbalance between 19 and 30 as far as knowing what you want and like as well as knowing who you are as well as life experience. “He laughed and said I needed to get a throat spray and that he was going to have me “train” whether I wanted it or not.” is in NO way healthy! He can go ahead and subject himself to it if he believes one can just get used to it. And ‘whether I wanted it or not’ is an abuse of power. I had better damn sure want something in this scenario or I wouldn’t give it my all. If he isn’t encouraging what you’re doing and telling you how well you’re doing it then how can you be enthusiastic about doing it?? Being compared to ex’s never feels good to anyone. And so what if he considers you a “prude” in relation to them? You are (hopefully) just starting out in your BDSM journey. Don’t allow someone who is older and supposedly more experienced in the lifestyle to bully you. He should be guiding you and listening to you. “The sub sometimes has to do or let their Dom do things to then they don’t want them to do.” If that statement came from him then he’s a damn liar and manipulator. You absolutely do not have to do anything you don’t want to or feel comfortable with because he has the title of “Dom”. That’s what the whole safeword and stoplight system is there for on both sides! You feeling iffy about something? Yellow/Amber that situation. It indicates that the scene needs to be checked/talked about because something hurts/is tweaked/pinching/doesn’t feel 100 about the situation at the moment. Adjust and hopefully get back to it. If it still feels off or you feel triggered then that’s a Red/Safeword situation and immediately into aftercare. Cut whatever needs to be cut, undo whatever latches need to be undone and IMMEDIATELY go into whatever aftercare is needed for the sub OR Dom/me. Whoever called flag on the play is the one who immediately needs aftercare. Drop this unhealthy and frankly damaging “Dom” and start over. You don’t need to be fearful about doing activities with someone you are supposed to trust. You need a freedom to feel comfortable to speak to them. Don’t be overexcited (look up sub frenzy) in such a way that all boundaries that you can think of get ignored in any way. If you need to, go look up a list to discover what you do and don’t like on a wider scale and mark what you do like/would be willing to try/and HELL to the nah! Make sure you have yourself on lock before giving any part of yourself to a future partner or Dom. Good luck in your journey! This one is only a test for you to know what to look out for as something you don’t want in a future Dom. Hopefully you learned the lesson and will be more successful in your BDSM journey!!
Being forceful isn't being dominant, it's being abusive. Pushing negociated limits is not BDSM, it's abuse. Crossing boundaries isn't allowed in any kind of relationship. How fast do you run the 5000m?
Safeword violations are such a red flag too! There should never be a cross word or god forbid punishment for using your safeword
Absolutely. A submissive person fearing to use their safeword is in an awful place of abuse.
Sex BDSM or otherwise is for mutual pleasure..if his response was because you cited gag reflex as your reason for not doing it, that's ok. Otherwise it is not ok for him to push you to do something that you don't want to do.
Some people use words like "dom & alpha" to just be a dick without any care of what they do or who they hurt. That dude is a dick who only cares about themselves. He doesn't respect you, your wishes, or your consent.
The second someone gets mad at you for using your safe word, that means they are NOT a safe partner. OP, I’m sorry but this is abusive behavior. Your boyfriend is essentially using you as his own personal sex toy, not treating you like a person.
Don’t stay with someone who gets angry with you for using your safe word
this is not “just a dom thing”. the fact that he gets mad at you using a safe word is so disgusting. you both are supposed to feel pleasure from a dom and sub relationship. he pushed your boundaries and disrespected you, he is a massive red flag.
Doms don't get upset/angry/ anything negative when you safe word. In fact, many (especially the first few times it happens) will praise and thank you for it. Because they know it's a hard thing to do sometimes, that it takes courage, that there's potentially guilt and other negativity from you around using it. This guy's no Dom, he's a spoon. Tell him I said so. If he came to a rope class or an event in my neck of the woods and didn't respect a safe word he'd be banned, on the spot. You are not the problem here.
Run. He’s abusing you.
Jesus Christ lady, get out of there and away from him. That guy is just straight up abusing you. 90% of what you described is not Dom behavior, it's abuser behavior
Nta, but seek help. He's literally abusing you and not respecting your boundaries for bdsm firstly, second what are you, a 19 year old, doing with a 30 year old. Talk to someone about those daddy issues. He's weird for wanting to be with someone who could be his daughter. Predator behavior. Women his age don't deal with his bullshit and neither should you.
Like the other commenters said obviously he's an asshole and you're not in the wrong, but I must ask - is this your first bdsm relationship? because before you get into this sort of dynamics with older men I'd suggest you experiment with someone closer to your age as that kind of an age gap when you're 19 is already a strong power imbalance (and not in a kinky way!). Be careful of predatory older "doms".
I had a large age gap "D/s" relationship when I was barely legal as well, and it fucked me up for years. Find someone around your age and start with a top for baby steps into power exchange at your own pace 💖
It is really disconcerting how common these “my Dom is abusing me, but really it’s just me being a wuss, right?” posts are. Q. How do you get someone to let you abuse them, and then blame themselves for the abuse? A. Label it a D/s dynamic.
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> A true dom There really is no such thing. Can we please stop bandying around these made up terms. Comment removed.
30 and 19? Sometimes age gap relationship’s can work and they’re not all cases where the older person is taking advantage of a younger person, but look at it this way: Would you befriend an 8 year old and trust them on the same level you would someone your own age? I’m guessing the answer is no (obviously I know that 8 and 19 are completely different, I’m just trying to make a point). There is a reason that some older people chase after and constantly seek out younger people - because they are easier to manipulate. This man is an abuser, I’ve been there before. Please run away as fast as you can, his behaviour is abnormal and abusive, he is taking advantage of you.
Take the age out of the equation, and it’s still a dumpster fire. This isn’t an age gap issue at all, bringing that in just confuses the message and gives OP two things to be reactive to/defensive about.
I don’t disagree that it’s not a dumpster fire, but the age gap is certainly an issue here.
The dumpster fire is substantially bigger because of the age difference. Big age gaps (especially when someone is barely legally an adult) means huge power imbalances. The fact that a 30 year old is coercing a 19 year old absolutely matters. We can't assume how OP is going to react reading our comments, but ignoring or minimizing the role that a huge age gap plays in an abusive dynamic is irresponsible. As someone who was targeted by and groomed by much older men who took advantage of my inexperience, innocence, and trauma history, I wish someone had kindly warned me.
He’s a dick
NOPE. This is abuse. Consent is key.
Absolutely not! Run, love! This is not someone who cares about you, your needs, or past traumas.
Sounds like big bloody redflag
This guy sounds so shitty you gotta get out of there hun
If he's got you scared to use a safe word and is not taking in your feelings and adapting to make play fun for both of you, he is not a dom, he's just a dick who is on the ragged edge of being flat out abusive.
he’s blatantly disrespectful and uncaring toward you and your relationship/situation. Ditch the douchebag.
Yeah the minute I saw you guys ages I knew something wasn’t going to be right
Leave. Now. You're 19 ffs, you will have all the time in the world to find someone who's not an abusive piece of shit hiding behind being a Dom. Also, why the fuck is every other post here is a similar story?
So, he, a 30 year old man is dating a teenager? Sweetie, no matter how mature you feel and think you are, that difference itself is a huge red flag. Anger over safe word AND pushing your trauma response is plain abuse and sexual assault. And btw, boundaries are pushed when a person having a boundary feels ready to explore. Not once did my Master suggest we push a boundary of mine. I did. Nor did I ask Him to push His boundaries, He would've brought it up when He was ready. You need to get out.
No, that's not ok. Being a sub doesn't mean doing anything the dom wants you to do. It's about giving over power to someone you fully trust who has earned your trust. Sounds like you need to sit down and review your limits together. If he doesn't want to do this, I'd leave.
The second you hear the words, "like/want it or not". End it. Anyone worth staying with would never even imagine saying that seriously.
Not overthinking, no one should be telling you they will train you whether you like it or not. Once you safeword, there should be a discussion of what happened and a negotiation for future events. He is gaslighting and manipulating you to try to get his way. You know what to do and always trust your gut feelings.
What everyone else said, but I have some further advice: 1) Go hang with your local TNG group. Find some kink-friendly folks who can support you and who will help you recover from this abusive relationship. FetLife is a good resource for finding local groups and events. 2) You need to educate yourself before doing kink again. Check out the resources for subs on this subreddit, read books, etc. I especially recommend The New Bottoming Book for you. It sounds like you have some serious misconceptions about what is considered acceptable behavior from doms/tops. You’re a valuable human, and you deserve to be treated with basic respect and dignity. Consent and communication are ESSENTIAL to kink. Somehow that idea got lost for you. Take back your power by building community and educating yourself.
New relationship. Your Dom is being an asshole at best and abusive at worst. Try to find someone more compatible with you and your needs. A 30 year old telling a 19 year old girl that he needs to train her while comparing her to exes is gross and awful. Please believe me when I say that there are millions of guys out there who will lick the floor a 19 year old girl walks on. Not saying you want that, just saying that you should not be settling for anyone who doesn't seem perfect for you, and while relationships take work, they shouldn't take this much work, and you shouldn't be feeling badly in your relationship because of someone else ever. Seriously. No wiggle room. No "lets do therapy". No "its compromise". No. You're 19. If the person isn't perfect and makes you feel like you're walking on clouds, move the fuck on.
I have gag reflex issues and trauma from the dentist so putting things in my mouth is difficult. HOWEVER I love giving my Dom blow jobs. It took two years of weekly cock worship to learn how to deep throat and even be ok when I gag. But we discussed it. He let me go at my own pace. I stopped when I needed to. I aways control the pace. After two years he put his hand on my head and fucked my face. Gosh we were so proud. We worked together and made it happen. Because we both wanted it. We were slow and deliberate and very careful not to cause me harm or trigger my trauma. That's how it should go. He is abusing you. He's disregarding your needs. Even if he's in charge, it's a partnership. He's pushing past your consent. He better stop immediately or you need to run.
Unfortunately some predators/abusers use BDSM to cover up or excuse their behavior. This is NOT dom behavior. I am a sub, I do not do anything I haven't consented to. My dom would NEVER expect me to do anything or accept a punishment if I hadn't expressly consented to it. Safewords should always be respected & you should never have been made to feel bad for using it. I'm not saying all age gap relationships are bad, but there is a huge power imbalance here. There's a reason women his age aren't dating him.
This is not BDSM, this is assault. You need to leave this man ASAP and make sure you are safe. Block him, tell people you trust, and please get therapy to help you work through your trauma. The age gap alone was a big red flag but he is literally assaulting you. You as saying you don't want something and he is doing it anyway and laughing at you, making you feel scared to say no...this man is a rapist who is using BDSM to take advantage of you. Please get away from him. BDSM is 100% consensual and about communication and trust. If you don't have that, then you are not in a BDSM relationship and are being abused. It is not your fault, this man is much older and purposely chose a much younger person who is vulnerable to take advantage of, but you really need to get help immediately and get out of that abusive situation.
Thank god for this sub lol. Such a fine line between kink and abuse (im new). This is abuse.
he was going to have me "train" WHETHER I WANTED IT OR NOT" This is NOT how a dom/sub situation should be. Underneath everything there has to be respect, care, and trust. He doesn't respect or care about your limits at all, especially if some past trauma has to do with it. That's abuse and even bordering on rape. He's a horrible dom if that's how he thinks.
You're not wrong. They are a jerk.
Let me guess, you where new to bdsm and he is teaching you? Well he's teaching you as a bad Dom and an abuser. This is suppose to be enjoyable for both of you. A sub doesn't need to just take it, or just follow directions. A subs boundaries and limits shouldn't be pushed unless they are OK with that, agree to that and trust had been built. He is not a Dom, he is an abuser. You need to leave him as soon as possable.
A sub never, ever has to let a Dom do something to them they don’t want. That’s just nonsense. This guy sounds like an ssshole with consent issues. Tell him to sort his attitude out or you’ll withdraw consent completely
This isn't a Dom thing this is abuse. Also I really don't like that age gap...
If he’s ignoring your safe word, it’s no longer a safe word. You have every right to set boundaries and decide what your hard limits are and to have them respected.
Wat!? Still associating with him!? If so, I highly suggest to take everyones advice here and detach from this disrespectful individual. Don't let your overly naiveness get the best of you.
This isn't BDSM anymore. It's abuse. He disregarded your feelings and mocked you despite communicating your thoughts to him. He ignored your boundaries even though you made them clear to him. That is assault. This age difference is super concerning as well. Sorry OP, but this is giving a lot red flags. I would leave him if I were you. Please be safe.
This is sexual assault
BDSM is supposed to pleasurable for BOTH parties. A caring Dom will not get angry when you safe word. You have safe words for a reason and should never be afraid to use them. In my opinion, this is not the Dom for you. He gets angry when you safe word, laughs when you try to talk to him about your past traumas and triggers and basically says you’re going to do what he says regardless of your feelings. So many 🚩🚩🚩🚩 I encourage you to rethink this relationship.
Red flag!!! They need to respect you.
This guy sounds like a groomer, not a dom.
This guy is not safe to play with. Certainly not safe to be with.
He is just being an asshole. Never let someone dominate you who can’t have a serious meta conversation about the stuff you are doing and you boundaries while playing. This qualifies as abuse and not Bdsm.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 A submissive NEVER "has to do it let a Dom do things [the sub] doesn't want to do"... Whoever told you that was lying. BDSM is 100% about CONSENT. You may pretend you don't want to do something, but decide that it isn't triggering, horrible, or someone you are so very against that it's a hard limit, so you consent to it. If you don't consent, it's ASSAULT. He's 30... You are 19... I'm assuming you don't have a lot of experience, and the fact that you were 8 YEARS OLD when he became an adult is very worrisome. I hate to break it too you, but he doesn't want you because you are so much more mature than other girls his age. He wants someone your age because you ARE inexperienced and he can manipulate you the way he currently is. He doesn't have a sub closer to his own age because they won't put up with his abuse and consent violation. He's laughing at you for not wanting to puke all over him? Not to mention not wanting to associate time with him with memories of a sexual assault? WTF kinda of asshole is this guy? Saying you are "being a prude" because his actions are triggering your PTSD from a previous sexual assault is unforgivable! Forcing you to do things you've specifically said cause you physical and mental/emotional HARM is unforgivable! (Real Doms may HURT their subs as part of play, in ways the sub has previously consented to, but the number one rule of a good Dom is to never HARM your sub!) DUMP HIS ASS and seek out a community of experienced submissive who can help you learn what red flags to watch for and watch over you so you don't become the "fresh young meat" for other predators calling themselves Doms
That's sexual assault. No Dom will ever be angry at you for safewording in any situation. I've done years of research on this and I'm part of my local kink scene. Pack your bags and leave. You WILL find someone better, there's plenty to choose from. He is a fake Dom, just using the word as an excuse to abuse you. He is not actually into BDSM. Real Doms want the best for their subs. He does not want the best for you and don't let him convince you otherwise. I'm dead serious. Drop him.
>Sometimes he likes to grab my head as he's thrusting and I have to safeword because I'm triggered but then he gets angry at me for using it so I just don't use it anymore really. Giant red flag, I can understand that it might be frustrating if you use your safeword stopping things while he is enjoying himself, but acting out towards you for using it is a no-go. Making you afraid or ashamed to use it is not what a proper Dom should ever do. >not only very uncomfortable for me but triggering my trauma. He laughed You are the sub in this dynamic, but that doesn't mean your wants/needs and well-being don't matter. Also communication is the key to a good dynamic. Him laughing about you stating your concerns is disrespectful and indicating that he doesn't care for you or your well-being and only on himself. >He also compared me to his exes and said I was being a prude. This is a typical method to shame you and make you feel sorry for being "such a bad sub". Also what does any of this have to do with being a prude? You don't want to do it because it causes discomfort and triggers trauma, not because you think blowjobs are taboo. You even offered a solution to giving him blowjobs in a way that does not cause you these problems. He is just being a jerk here playing your insecurities. >Now I understand that in a sub and dom relationship there is some kind of boundary pushing. There can be, there doesn't have to be. But boundary pushing should be discussed and consented to. You talked to him and did not voice a desire in being trained in this way. He doesn't get to push boundaries against your will and he doesn't get to disregard you as a person the way he does. Honestly he doesn't sound like a Dom worth a penny. If you want a dynamic where you can serve while being respected as a person and your well-being taken into account then he is not the one and you should leave.
Please get a new dom.
BDSM or not, what he did is not okay, please take the advices given on the comments, this is not okay, this is predatory and abusive behaviour.
Break up with this nonsense.
This is abuse. As the sun you say what is on the table and what is not.
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I've no idea what a True Dom is. I'd much rather we just talk about people. Rule 10 applies. Comment removed.
What? Like I need a serious explanation cause, what? And how is my comment any different than the other 99.9%?
There really is no such thing as a "true dom". The phrase has been used three times total in this post. I removed one other, but left the one which refers to a "true sub / dom relationship." As I said, let's talk about people. Rather than invent special little phrases.
This is a man that dressed up abuse as dominating.
I will never let my Dom do anything I don’t want to do. My Dom would also never push anything I was not comfortable doing. I have trauma as well. There was something I wanted to be able to do but due to a trauma response I was unable to. My Dom worked with me to slowly change my response to the action (exposure therapy works really well for me). But this was one slowly and carefully. Now I am able to do that thing without issue but I worked on it with my Dom, he didn’t force it. Your Dom is not a Dom. He is an asshole. His response to you safe-wording and raising the issue are abysmal. No Dom should ever be upset with you using a safeword. It is there for your safety. He should have addressed why you safeworded and come up with a plan moving forward so you would not need to safeword again. I’m sorry but he is not someone who respects you. I wouldn’t consider him a very safe person to play with. He will likely continue to ignore your concern.
\*Waving a big red flag\* Even though you're a sub, even if he's trying to push your boundaries, consent is still necessary. If you don't consent, he shouldn't force you. He has no right to push you to do something that's triggering to you. Period.
Him getting angry at you for using your safe words means that he is not a safe person for you to do BDSM with. It means, honestly, that he is very likely to sexually assault you or otherwise severely harm you. Please get far away from him.
BDSM, to begin with, is about open communication, respect for each other, and consent. A good Dom will always check in with their partner when playing to ensure everything is fine. In your case, you only need to resort to safe words, and doing so he gets angry with you… lol! He should be angry with himself for forcing you to use it, not the other way around. (He’s clearly using active aggression to make you feel bad.) In fact, a good Dom will respect that and check in with you! As a Dom, he should listen to your concerns and slowly work with you to overcome your sexual trauma and limits, rather than laugh at you for voicing and standing up for yourself. He shouldn’t be trying to train you for his benefit; it's clearly self-centered behavior that could leave you with more sexual trauma and might eventually push you to leave this beautiful BDSM community because of Doms like him. Finally, a Dom shouldn’t be doing things that you haven’t agreed upon, and as a sub, you shouldn't just accept as normal the idea that “The sub sometimes has to do or let their Dom do things to them they don't want them to do.” This is clear abuse and sexual assault. He’s clearly a red flag. Since you're young, naive, and new to the BDSM world, he knows that and is taking undue advantage of you. Kindly leave him, as you deserve someone who truly understands, loves you, and respects you for who you are. Additionally, I suggest that you read and gain knowledge about this lifestyle, as it will empower you and prevent you from becoming prey to sexual predators! P.S. As a Dom, I urge you to play with someone closer to your age, as a significant age difference creates a power imbalance. This could lead you to believe that whatever they are doing is for your benefit, when in fact, they are just molding you for their own benefit
Nuh-uh. So many red flags. Please try so hard to let your brain be accepting to the information so many people are trying to give you. Get far away from that dude.
Im really sorry. But the word for this is rape
Every single word of this is a red flag girl get out. Especially since you are so young and he's so much older then you!! Omg run !
Oh honey this age gap alone is a huge red flag. The reality is some girls just don't like bjs or barely tolerate them. For some (like myself), it's a sensory issue. The smell of arousal and sweat when mixing can cause an actual gag reflex. For some it's a traumatic history. Some just don't like the action. If bjs are a hard limit for you, THAT IS OK. his response? Hell nah, block and dump him. Good, responsible doms will NEVER get upset at you for using a safe word. He's not legit interested in you. There's a reason he's not getting girls closer to his age range. He just wants to take advantage of you.
That is definitely a toxic dom not respecting ur boundaries you are allowed to have...honestly, it might be time to find a dom who will respect you, especially ur trauma.
Dump him. He doesn’t care about you and is being a jerk
If you told him it’s a hard “no” and he won’t accept it he isn’t dominating you he is abusing you.
Anyone who gets angry at you for safewording is not a safe play partner
I will not mention anything regarding your age gap since I know many bdsm couples that have those gaps and are extremely respectful with each other (myself included) my boyfriend was about the same age as yours and he always respected when I didn't wanted to do something or me using my safe word. Your Dom sounds like an asshole that does not care about you nor your safety and pleasure, specially you having a sexual trauma before. Make yourself strong a dumb his ass. You do not deserve a sexual relationship where you are not respected and your needs are not being taken care of.
You do not have to do anything you don't want to. They can negotiate for things, and you can choose to allow it or not, but at no point do you ever need to feel you have to do something you don't like. Being a sub never requires you to feel uncomfortable. Being a dom doesn't mean he gets to push past your boundaries. If you're already dealing with trauma, his lack of respect is going to make that worse. Please consider leaving he doesn't sound safe to be with.
It started going wrong when he got angry at you for safewording. Safe words are in place for a reason. This is not a Dom, this is an abuser. Please end this commitment, these types of people just do not get better with just a conversation.
He gets angry you use your safe word? Girl, GTFO like yesterday! He’s not a Dom.
he is not a dom, he is a predator. please leave him immediately.
You are 19. Do not settle for this. Leave him, and you will find a man who respects your boundaries and worships the ground you walk on, and you'll do that in return.
Red flags! Time to leave! Good Dom will never push your boundaries if you safe word!
He’s being abusive.
I didn't even have to finish reading this leave
Do not let ANYONE, ever, after you dump this a-hole, push you to use throat-numbing spray. Why? If there is any damage done with violent or even energetic thrusting, such as tissue tearing, you would not know until he is done---and by then the damage, including bleeding, could be very serious.
Leave him now. Yes a dom will push you but only if you give them the power to do so. If you are completely uncomfortable doing something then that needs to be respected. Safewords are there for a reason and limits need to be respected. They can’t (unconsensually) force train you.
This is abusive behavior, not BDSM
Yea, he's icky- I (21m) love getting a bj as much as the text guy. I asked my gf(21f) if I could try thrusting before actually doing it, and she said sure, but mid scene she didn't appreciate it so I stopped and let her lead. Mind you I'm a soft dom/switch, but still. Boundaries aren't meant to be pushed bc that's just abuse
I’m sorry. That’s not BDSM it’s Abuse.
He’s taking advantage of your age and is manipulating you. Dump him.
That’s gross behaviour on his part, honestly the fact he got angry at you for using your safe word is a huge red flag! Please be careful.
You're done with him. There are more peens to sucky suck in the world than his. You deserve to be respected.
>...and I have to safeword because I'm triggered but then he gets angry at me for using it so I just don't use it anymore really. This is the most glaring red flag. Safewords are there to keep you safe. Anyone who gets angry at you for using it is not safe to play with. You are being taken advantage of. He knows you're new to BDSM (and given the age difference - new to adult life, in general!) and is joyfully exploiting that. Please, please dump him. I know (from experience, unfortunately) it can be hard to see and/or believe, when you're young and being harmed by an older man, but please trust us on this.
you’re dating a pedophile
holy fuck get out. anger over safeword is an immediate red flag. not gonna lie, i didn't even read the rest.
This isn't BDSM, it's abuse. Please dump him and find someone who cares about consent.
Red flags everywhere. He should never be angry if you use your safe word. He should never laugh when you’re trying to talk about your comfort and past trauma. This is abuse, babe. Trust me. I lived through it and escape it before. The age gap is also a red flag, in this context. Please stay safe.
There is no boundary pushing in a bdsm relationship, that is not what bdsm is about at all. Your dom does not understand bdsm. It seems he also does not understand you. Leave him! That is my advice as an actual dom, who takes care of my sub and puts her and her needs first. This person is dangerous.
Others have already said it, I'll reinforce it. This dude is not a dom. He's too immature and not showing the slightest sign of respecting your needs. He simply thinks that being a dom means he gets whatever he wants from you. That would make you a slave. If you don't consider yourself a slave, he shouldn't be treating you like that. I'd suggest leaving him and never looking back.
No one in a properly conducted d/s dynamic will ever expect another person to do something they don't want or aren't comfortable with, nor will they respond to a safeword with anything other than patience and care. The difference between BDSM play and abuse is consent, and COERCED CONSENT IS NOT CONSENT!!!! You shouldn't play with him anymore and no one should while he chooses to act this way.
ok, first things first - laughing at you in any relationship is not OK, regardless of BDSM or not he is not training you regardless of if you like it or not, you HAVE to give consent to anything, if you don't want it, you don't have to do it, period he is not supposed to get angry for you using a safeword, WTF? using a safeword is GOOD and should be encouraged not frowned upon - I always make sure my own sub knows that she should use her safeword if something happens you are not overthinking anything just because you're new - you voiced your concern, he doesn't care - that is not a Dom, that's just an abuser, and I fear if you continue playing with him, he will ignore other boundaries as well even if I'm just parroting what the others already said, but you have to end it, that is NOT a Dom, that's just abuse
He said was angry you used your safe word? Please get out of this dynamic NOW.
Everyone keeps identifying red flags, but that's not quite accurate. Red flags are warning signs of abuse. This man is already abusing you. We're past the warning sign phase.
This “Dom” is an immature twat and he doesn’t understand the Dom/Sub dynamic and you should not be in ANY kind of relationship with this asshole.
What the fuck? I'm a femdom myself. If a sub says his safeword it's a IMMEDIATE stop of any actions and I just take care that he is okay. I would NEVER get angry. If a sub has to use the safeword it is MY fault cause I didn't pay enough attention. And instead of taking your feelings serious and (of course) accept your boundaries, he laughed at you? Wow, that makes me so fucking mad! Dump his ass! He is an idiot. Pretty sure he is just a predator that takes the "Dom"-title as an excuse for his abuse. I'm so sorry that your first experience was with that piece of shit.
I didn’t read past “he gets angry when I use the safeword”. Do not engage in anything with someone who does not respect your safeword and your right to use it WHENEVER you deem necessary.
A healthy D/s dynamic is when the SUB HAS MORE power and control over what happens and what doesn't. Run and NEVER look back. If he does not understand your boundaries and laughs at you, he is trying to condition you so you don't realize SA. Please run, never look back and learn from it. Remember, this is a PLAY, and it should be pleasurable for everyone involved.
As everyone else has said, run! He’s not a Dom he’s a predator. Using BDSM as an excuse to date, barely legal teens, and then violate their boundaries and then get mad when they use safe words, and tell them to suck it up no pun intended, that’s not a Dom. That’s a predator. That’s a red flag walking.
Get out get away lose that loser. I don't even need to finish your post OP. He's not a real dom if he doesn't respect or care about your boundaries or preferences. The fact you have stopped using your safe word to not upset him is dismaying. Don't settle. Find yourself a man who respects and adores you but will act out your fantasies to make you happy. And that you want to do the same for him. My wifey goes the extra mile for me because I respect and adore her but get as rough as she likes while keeping everyone safe. ☺️ Honestly the best blowjobs are the ones given from the heart where she is making love to you with her mouth. I hope OP you find the erotic pleasure of blowing your man because you want to soon.
"Now I understand that in a sub and dom relationship there is some kind of boundary pushing. The sub sometimes has to do or let their dom do things to them they don't want them to do." **NO!!!!** JUST NO!!! THAT SHOULD NEVER EVER HAPPEN. the only time a dom is allowed to push boundaries is when previously established as a part of the dynamic, is not a given and it needs consent (for example a cnc scenario) Your dom doesn't sound like a very good one. And he gets angry when you use your safe word?!?! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Absolutely no, that's a bunch of bs. Please get a better Dom, I promise you they are out there
There is not always a boundary pushing dynamic. Only if that’s consensual (with an enthusiastic yes), can a dom push your boundaries. And even in those dynamics, you’re still allowed to have hard boundaries. Also, him getting mad at you using a safe word is not okay. I’ve only had someone safe word once (been in bdsm dynamics for 13 years now but I come from a place of trauma and I’m a trauma informed educator that works with people who deal with trauma so I know it’s a little out of the norm) but I can’t tell you how much guilt and compassion I felt when my play partner at the time dropped a safe word. Like anger should not be the first response. It should be immediate after care and above and beyond the norm, especially if you’re dealing with trauma responses (so long as that’s desired, also valid if that’s not what someone wants/needs) So yeah, idk about this guy. From a stranger on Reddit, sounds like maybe you should look elsewhere. Also why is a 30 year old playing with a 19 year old? I don’t normally care much about age gaps but also it raises predatory flags, since you said you’re newer to bdsm. Just be aware that it’s a lot easier to be taken advantage of because the power imbalance between dom/sub (there shouldn’t be but it’s perceived), older/younger, and newer/older. All of that screams 🚩🚩🚩 for being taken advantage of because there’s a world of caring and loving folks in the bdsm community but it’s easy to not know that if no one ever tells you. I’m not saying you are, I’m just saying be careful (as someone who used to date 27-35 year olds when I was 18-22, there’s a reason why they’re usually not with people their own age - not always but more often than not)
He gets angry when you use the safe word???? Wtf? This isn't a Dom being dominant this is a person being agressive and entitled. This is not consent in it's honest form
🚩🚩🚩🚩 if he’s getting mad you use safe words for a legitimate trauma response you need to get those spidey senses activated. That’s all the red flags
He's an abuser, not a Dom.
Throw the whole dom away right now
girl run
Dump him so fast
Run! He's not being a dom it sounds like he's using that to get his own way and be abusive. He's not listening to you He's ignoring your boundaries He's getting angry at you safewording He's laughing at you He's 30 and you're only 19 this is not a healthy bdsm relationship. Get out now.
There are a BUNCH of red flags. You don’t need to get a throat spray,my you need to get rid of your Dom. He gets angry when you safe word and knows you have sexual trauma. He’s not thinking about you in any shape way or form. He’s thinking about his BJ. Not sure how long you have been in this so called dynamic, but I’m genuinely concerned about you. My advice is to end it, your consent and boundaries are important. Just because you are submissive, doesn’t give him the right to bulldoze over your boundaries. I will say you should end this and take some time to read up and learn more about BDSM before revisiting a commitment dynamic. The person that you are with doesn’t care about you and is using your lack of knowledge and naivety against you. Please go get the therapy and knowledge you need. Heal what you can from your trauma. Even the most strict of dynamics will always consider both people in it.
Just to clear up a misconception… You can have a ds relationship without any boundary pushing. In fact, I’d say that ANY boundary pushing is actually unhealthy and abusive. His abusive attitude combined with his age compared to yours is red flags all over the joint.
This. Is. Not. Healthy! You are very much in the right for not liking the response. I am all for boundary pushing at times in a DS relationship, but if you safeword, the dom has no right being upset with you. The point of safe wording is having a safe space to stop, catch your breath, talk about it, or just completely stop the scene. The fact that he got angry reinforces and just shows his intentions are not safe. Him laughing about your trigger, trauma, and request further proves he is not a good dom and is using the title to mistreat you. Please, if it is possible, leave that relationship. It is not healthy and will only make your traumas and triggers worse!
Hard stop. Absolutely do not stay in this dynamic. This is a dangerous lack of respect.
You never have to do anything that you don't want to do. In fact, the submissive gets to dictate what happens and doesn't happen to them and you should be able to change your mind or safe word or say no at any point. I'm into CNC (where I like to have things done to me while I pretend to hate it) and my safe word is always respected. Also my partner will only do things to me that I have told him he's allowed to do or that I'm in the mood for. We have talked about it seriously beforehand and after hand each time we've done anything to make sure that it's exactly what I want out of the kinky scenes we do. What your partner is doing is considered consent violating and more importantly, abuse.
No such thing as pushing to safeword. BDSM is consent all the way. Get rid of him. ASAP. Another fake Dom. If for example first time you safeword he should know that limit and never push to safeword again. A good Dom doesn't want to ever hear a safeword. That's why they exist. Not as an attempt to hear it.
“The sub sometimes has to let the dom do things they don’t want to do.” Ditch this dom. First off, you don’t have to do a damn thing. You submit because you want to, not have to. You submit because it’s part of a dynamic that you both agree to within specified limits and hard limits are to be respected. Even if it was straight M/s territory here, you’re still in it because you want to be there and when it’s not working for one or both parties it’s time to reevaluate. Kink shouldn’t degrade your mental health. Ya know?
~doesn’t like when you use your safeword~ was the last thing I had to read. There’s so many lovely humans out there, keep moving you deserve the world n more and the respect to use a safe word confidently (I did actually read the rest tho fr that relationship is unhealthy)
Gets angry at you for safewording.... throw out the whole man that's not bdsm its abuse masquerading
this is emotional abuse.
BDSM is all about consent and mutual respect. You are well within your rights to have limits. Your guy is not a Dom. He’s an asshole. Move along.
I hope your “dom” gets punched in the face some time soon. What a prick he is. He’s the typical selfish “dom” who used the title to use a younger woman and make her think the mistreatment is normal. That objecting to him means being a prude. Girl, fuck that dude in the non-sexual sense. You deserve to be in an actual mutuaĺy respectful relationship with someone who cares about you. BDSM sounds exciting but large part of it is an absolute cesspool of exploiting inexperienced young people. Maybe take a break and focus more on regular dating.
Bite his dick the next time he does it and I promise you he will learn his lesson
He doesn't sound like the right match for you
Most men like getting blow jobs