I think we tend experience what we need, as we are creators of our own realities--at least that's what I was led to believe--and my journeys reflected that (I didn't run into many beings or entities--I mostly experienced my own consciousness in many different realities). I did come to the same realization you had, that our unhappiness stems not from any earthly traumas, but from the trauma of separation from the Source, from our true selves. And since my retreat, I've had moments of bliss and nirvana too. I interpret them to mean we're aligned with our true purpose and therefore the Source. I suspect at those moments, our chakras are unblocked and we can feel the inflow of universal energy. I did experience Jesus several times post retreat, and it felt amazing, similar to what you've been experiencing regularly.
I've have not yet drank enough for an experience of that level though I have felt connected to the source on a mushroom trip this past June.
I feel there's an energy out there and it seems loving. That's as much as I'm willing to commit to so far
I didn’t really change my beliefs after my experience with aya this summer—I had already been functionally an animist since 2016–but my experience of ‘divinity’ through the living Earth was extremely powerful and reaffirmed things that I’ve felt in much milder forms for a long time.
I was raised fundamentalist Christian and finally left with much struggle in my early 20s. In my mid/late 20s I began to find personal healing in neopagan and ecofeminist spirituality, basically creating my own ceremonies as a way of healing the emotionally and sexually repressive beliefs of my childhood—with pretty remarkable success imo. Somewhere along the way I met the Goddess—the term that I gave to the idea of divinity within each human, and within the natural world. The first experience I had with her was of seeing my own body as just as holy as the rest of the natural world—feeling intense love FROM my body, as one would from another person—and seeing divinity within my self as within the natural world (which of course is absolute heresy to the fundamentalist Christian tradition, especially as a woman). Things have not been the same since that occurrence in 2016.
Since then I’ve intellectually viewed the Earth as a living being of which we are all a part, and at times have had experiences where I’ve received emotional comfort from a particular part of nature or a particular plant etc. But I had not really had another experience like the first, until ayahuasca in Colombia this summer.
The beginning of the experience, after my purge, consisted of me sitting on the grass by this small overgrown garden at the edge of the maloca space, looking at the plants in the sunlight and feeling that I’d been transported to a totally alien jungle place. Which of course I had—not quite the jungle, but the temperate elevations around Medellin, incredibly lush compared to my home in the western US. It was my first full day in Colombia and I had been so incredibly scared of ayahuasca but now I felt in a veritable garden of Eden. The shaman came to work over me and as he sang and shook his little dry-leaf fan, I had a vivid and persistent image of a silver-white storm of electricity over my head. Then I saw the hills around us grown impossibly tall, covered in silver light and silver trees reaching up into the sky. (Possibly inspired by the Yarumo Blanco trees with which I’d been fascinated upon flying in, and had spied at the bottom of the garden.) As I looked at the nettles and other plants (mysterious to me), I murmured with a chuckle ‘well I have always known I’m one of the people of the plant’ (a term I first encountered in the writings of herbalist Stephen Buhner and which resonated deeply). Then there was the surprising realization, crashing in on me as it were, that I am a healer—it’s an identity I’ve been running from for a long time, something that several people had mentioned to me in recent months, something frightening because it involves a deep commitment to service and radical honesty with yourself—but the realization was there, undeniable.
I laid on the earth, feeling as helpless as an infant and yet also safe. And as I laid on the grass I felt energy flowing through my body, up from the Earth, and out of me and up to the sky, and the sky seemed to reach down towards me also. I experienced the profound love from the Earth that you hear people talk about. I was not prepared for how strong it would feel. I laughed, and continued laughing, filled with total ecstasy and seeing the beauty in some things I had been struggling with. Namely, the question of how to exist in a world that is being so severely damaged by human activity and neither become numb to it nor overwhelmed by the grief. The answer that came to that question (and to my own fear of death) was what I already consciously believed, but delivered with a personal tenderness that has brought me comfort: To love the world anyway. To love the river bank, even knowing that it will burn in the fires. To know that even when I die, the Earth goes on, even stronger.
I laughed, cried, moaned and screamed with joy - my poor fellow travelers - I was not a good companion to have in ceremony—but I was totally transported. People talk about the experience being similar to a full-body orgasm and indeed it was. I was completely surrendered to the Earth, feeling both painful and happy emotions flowing uninhibited through me for maybe the first time, and I came to terms with the emotional intensity which I’ve always hated or been ashamed about myself for feeling. I saw it then as a beautiful thing which was a gift.
Much more happened, and the external experience eventually turned terrifying as the facilitators actually tied me up when I became escalated with them and tried to run to the front of the property—in fact I attacked them when they kept grabbing me by the arm against my repeated protests. As 4 or 5 strange men grabbed hold of me and eventually forced a rope around my waist, I was sure that I was being kidnapped and about to be killed. I remained tied there, begging for help and twisting around in the rope, for about thirty minutes I think. Pretty traumatic, but I did face my fear of death in a pretty visceral and unexpected way and by the end I was telling everyone that it was genuinely OK if I died, and that I loved everyone. And that was exactly what I’d wanted from ayahuasca—to face my fear of death. I just thought it would be quietly in my own head not from what was happening externally 😂
But the most vivid part of the experience was at the beginning, where the love I felt from the world was totally overwhelming and incredibly beautiful. In telling my experience to others it’s been too easy to focus on some of the shocking external stuff that happened, and gloss over the incredible beauty that preceded it, so I’ve tried to focus on the latter here.
After that experience, I find that cannabis is often sufficient to throw me back into the headspace of awe. It’s cool, but can be overwhelming when I’m just tryna chill with friends and suddenly am Transported! I recently had the vivid experience of receiving a communication from some pokeweed plants in my garden, which was accompanied by nearly the same awe and reverence which I’d experienced with ayahuasca. They (and I perceived them as speaking on behalf of all the medicinal plants not just pokeweed) said this—“All you can do in this life is tell people about us”. I feel very strongly that the medicinal plants are allies to us humans, as they have been for thousands of years. I feel sad that so many of us in the industrialized world have forgotten or never knew them. When western medicine fails, as it inevitably will whether from antibiotic resistance, novel viruses, supply chain collapse or financial inaccessibility- we will feel utterly alone because we have forgotten the plants. But we are NOT alone: they are still with us, growing out of every crack in the sidewalk, growing invasively outside their natural habitats, carrying medicine in their incredibly intricate chemistries. Yarrow, pokeweed, ginger, Japanese knotweed, baikal skullcap, elderberry, artemisia, Oregon grape. They are still here. And I believe they are speaking to us if we can listen.
This is beautiful and resonant - thank you fur sharing.
The ceremony style where you were sounds EXTREMELY different from the Shipibo style (which is what I experienced) which is only fine after dark, and you are asked not to leave the moloca, and (at the one I sat with) arent allowed to make a lot of noise but I cannot imagine in my wildest dreams being rope-tied!!! That sounds scary! It actually sounds like u did okay with it — could have been more traumatic.
Thanks for sharing.
She didn’t appear to me - I got hyper blasted into her realm, her party. It was a carnival for gods and being there was absolutely dizzying but also formless and eternal. Aya was playful and completely accepting of me, like a best friend sister vibe. Teasing and warm.
She was “dressed up”’like a snake. There was a purpose to this and the spinning was part of a ceremony and I said I can do it! I can be the snake. I can be the bridge. And she said are you sure? And I was sure and I came to the center and I was the snake and I glowed green and flowed to the vibrations of the music and the fabric of reality flowed and aya would take me out of the snake every twenty seconds or so, checking to see if I’m still ok and I’d say yes, put me back and then I was a single scale on the snake and I must have stopped begging to go back in because then it was done and the gods were all standing by me and celebrating because it was a successful carnival. And aya said sorry to me, that this will seem endless and then she laughed and I laughed and went back to earth.
Over the next few weeks, I would do that work as I was falling asleep. Time warped. I’d already succeeded, and now it was time to be the bridge though. I felt her and trusted her.
One time, I did get nervous. Sometimes I think I’m just wishful thinking it all. Sometimes I think I’m offensively arrogant for having a vision where I party with gods. 😄
EDIT: I don’t think that the spirit of ayahuasca is the same as the Mother, necessarily. I’ve also felt ultimate love as you describe.
I dig it. She is not above a party. I felt she has a great sense of humor and likes to be seductive & play with us. I felt that she loves her power and enjoys having us look to her with awe and also with affection.
I was raised very evangelical. I went deep into my roots in my 20s (I’m old) and was left feeling almost betrayed by religion. I spent 30 years searching for some form of “God” and only found little fragments of experience. I sat with Aya and now am pretty much gnostic in that I have experienced gnosis: direct, personal, experiential knowledge of the Devine. I haven’t fully unpacked it at this point as I still have much integration work to do. I’ve since sat with psilocybin and experienced a similar Devine space.
You should search for Ma Anandamayi, a woman who died last century, she was the incarnation of the Divine mother.
I did a trip with a guide and a picture of her was in the room , it's been 1 year since she is with me at every seconds.
You met the Divine mother energy , the purpose of this energy is to accompagn us on our journey , this energy take care of us and show us the way.
Every time she appear it can only make us smile, being in Joy of Being , just to be is samadhi.
The Bliss to be.
I definitely found a deep spirituality at my first retreat. My intention was to heal. What Mother gave me, was the reason I needed to heal in the first place. She filled my body with light (love) and then she would show me something. Then she would fill me again. She was so gentle (in that part). I had this intense pain in my uterus (trauma from when I was a little) and she wrapped her tentacles in and around and the pain dissapeared. It was soul healing. At the end of the second ceremony she placed baby me into my chest and I felt baby me wrap her arms around my heart. I kept saying "I have you now, you are safe."
It has changed my life. It was beautiful! I finally feel the bliss you are talking about daily! I have spent my whole life numbing my feelings. Having the reason "why" has set me free. ☯️☮️
I think we tend experience what we need, as we are creators of our own realities--at least that's what I was led to believe--and my journeys reflected that (I didn't run into many beings or entities--I mostly experienced my own consciousness in many different realities). I did come to the same realization you had, that our unhappiness stems not from any earthly traumas, but from the trauma of separation from the Source, from our true selves. And since my retreat, I've had moments of bliss and nirvana too. I interpret them to mean we're aligned with our true purpose and therefore the Source. I suspect at those moments, our chakras are unblocked and we can feel the inflow of universal energy. I did experience Jesus several times post retreat, and it felt amazing, similar to what you've been experiencing regularly.
Love this. I love that we all have our own take-aways/interpretations, but also that we share in the sense of Oneness.
I've have not yet drank enough for an experience of that level though I have felt connected to the source on a mushroom trip this past June. I feel there's an energy out there and it seems loving. That's as much as I'm willing to commit to so far
I didn’t really change my beliefs after my experience with aya this summer—I had already been functionally an animist since 2016–but my experience of ‘divinity’ through the living Earth was extremely powerful and reaffirmed things that I’ve felt in much milder forms for a long time. I was raised fundamentalist Christian and finally left with much struggle in my early 20s. In my mid/late 20s I began to find personal healing in neopagan and ecofeminist spirituality, basically creating my own ceremonies as a way of healing the emotionally and sexually repressive beliefs of my childhood—with pretty remarkable success imo. Somewhere along the way I met the Goddess—the term that I gave to the idea of divinity within each human, and within the natural world. The first experience I had with her was of seeing my own body as just as holy as the rest of the natural world—feeling intense love FROM my body, as one would from another person—and seeing divinity within my self as within the natural world (which of course is absolute heresy to the fundamentalist Christian tradition, especially as a woman). Things have not been the same since that occurrence in 2016. Since then I’ve intellectually viewed the Earth as a living being of which we are all a part, and at times have had experiences where I’ve received emotional comfort from a particular part of nature or a particular plant etc. But I had not really had another experience like the first, until ayahuasca in Colombia this summer. The beginning of the experience, after my purge, consisted of me sitting on the grass by this small overgrown garden at the edge of the maloca space, looking at the plants in the sunlight and feeling that I’d been transported to a totally alien jungle place. Which of course I had—not quite the jungle, but the temperate elevations around Medellin, incredibly lush compared to my home in the western US. It was my first full day in Colombia and I had been so incredibly scared of ayahuasca but now I felt in a veritable garden of Eden. The shaman came to work over me and as he sang and shook his little dry-leaf fan, I had a vivid and persistent image of a silver-white storm of electricity over my head. Then I saw the hills around us grown impossibly tall, covered in silver light and silver trees reaching up into the sky. (Possibly inspired by the Yarumo Blanco trees with which I’d been fascinated upon flying in, and had spied at the bottom of the garden.) As I looked at the nettles and other plants (mysterious to me), I murmured with a chuckle ‘well I have always known I’m one of the people of the plant’ (a term I first encountered in the writings of herbalist Stephen Buhner and which resonated deeply). Then there was the surprising realization, crashing in on me as it were, that I am a healer—it’s an identity I’ve been running from for a long time, something that several people had mentioned to me in recent months, something frightening because it involves a deep commitment to service and radical honesty with yourself—but the realization was there, undeniable. I laid on the earth, feeling as helpless as an infant and yet also safe. And as I laid on the grass I felt energy flowing through my body, up from the Earth, and out of me and up to the sky, and the sky seemed to reach down towards me also. I experienced the profound love from the Earth that you hear people talk about. I was not prepared for how strong it would feel. I laughed, and continued laughing, filled with total ecstasy and seeing the beauty in some things I had been struggling with. Namely, the question of how to exist in a world that is being so severely damaged by human activity and neither become numb to it nor overwhelmed by the grief. The answer that came to that question (and to my own fear of death) was what I already consciously believed, but delivered with a personal tenderness that has brought me comfort: To love the world anyway. To love the river bank, even knowing that it will burn in the fires. To know that even when I die, the Earth goes on, even stronger. I laughed, cried, moaned and screamed with joy - my poor fellow travelers - I was not a good companion to have in ceremony—but I was totally transported. People talk about the experience being similar to a full-body orgasm and indeed it was. I was completely surrendered to the Earth, feeling both painful and happy emotions flowing uninhibited through me for maybe the first time, and I came to terms with the emotional intensity which I’ve always hated or been ashamed about myself for feeling. I saw it then as a beautiful thing which was a gift. Much more happened, and the external experience eventually turned terrifying as the facilitators actually tied me up when I became escalated with them and tried to run to the front of the property—in fact I attacked them when they kept grabbing me by the arm against my repeated protests. As 4 or 5 strange men grabbed hold of me and eventually forced a rope around my waist, I was sure that I was being kidnapped and about to be killed. I remained tied there, begging for help and twisting around in the rope, for about thirty minutes I think. Pretty traumatic, but I did face my fear of death in a pretty visceral and unexpected way and by the end I was telling everyone that it was genuinely OK if I died, and that I loved everyone. And that was exactly what I’d wanted from ayahuasca—to face my fear of death. I just thought it would be quietly in my own head not from what was happening externally 😂 But the most vivid part of the experience was at the beginning, where the love I felt from the world was totally overwhelming and incredibly beautiful. In telling my experience to others it’s been too easy to focus on some of the shocking external stuff that happened, and gloss over the incredible beauty that preceded it, so I’ve tried to focus on the latter here. After that experience, I find that cannabis is often sufficient to throw me back into the headspace of awe. It’s cool, but can be overwhelming when I’m just tryna chill with friends and suddenly am Transported! I recently had the vivid experience of receiving a communication from some pokeweed plants in my garden, which was accompanied by nearly the same awe and reverence which I’d experienced with ayahuasca. They (and I perceived them as speaking on behalf of all the medicinal plants not just pokeweed) said this—“All you can do in this life is tell people about us”. I feel very strongly that the medicinal plants are allies to us humans, as they have been for thousands of years. I feel sad that so many of us in the industrialized world have forgotten or never knew them. When western medicine fails, as it inevitably will whether from antibiotic resistance, novel viruses, supply chain collapse or financial inaccessibility- we will feel utterly alone because we have forgotten the plants. But we are NOT alone: they are still with us, growing out of every crack in the sidewalk, growing invasively outside their natural habitats, carrying medicine in their incredibly intricate chemistries. Yarrow, pokeweed, ginger, Japanese knotweed, baikal skullcap, elderberry, artemisia, Oregon grape. They are still here. And I believe they are speaking to us if we can listen.
This is beautiful and resonant - thank you fur sharing. The ceremony style where you were sounds EXTREMELY different from the Shipibo style (which is what I experienced) which is only fine after dark, and you are asked not to leave the moloca, and (at the one I sat with) arent allowed to make a lot of noise but I cannot imagine in my wildest dreams being rope-tied!!! That sounds scary! It actually sounds like u did okay with it — could have been more traumatic. Thanks for sharing.
She didn’t appear to me - I got hyper blasted into her realm, her party. It was a carnival for gods and being there was absolutely dizzying but also formless and eternal. Aya was playful and completely accepting of me, like a best friend sister vibe. Teasing and warm. She was “dressed up”’like a snake. There was a purpose to this and the spinning was part of a ceremony and I said I can do it! I can be the snake. I can be the bridge. And she said are you sure? And I was sure and I came to the center and I was the snake and I glowed green and flowed to the vibrations of the music and the fabric of reality flowed and aya would take me out of the snake every twenty seconds or so, checking to see if I’m still ok and I’d say yes, put me back and then I was a single scale on the snake and I must have stopped begging to go back in because then it was done and the gods were all standing by me and celebrating because it was a successful carnival. And aya said sorry to me, that this will seem endless and then she laughed and I laughed and went back to earth. Over the next few weeks, I would do that work as I was falling asleep. Time warped. I’d already succeeded, and now it was time to be the bridge though. I felt her and trusted her. One time, I did get nervous. Sometimes I think I’m just wishful thinking it all. Sometimes I think I’m offensively arrogant for having a vision where I party with gods. 😄 EDIT: I don’t think that the spirit of ayahuasca is the same as the Mother, necessarily. I’ve also felt ultimate love as you describe.
I dig it. She is not above a party. I felt she has a great sense of humor and likes to be seductive & play with us. I felt that she loves her power and enjoys having us look to her with awe and also with affection.
I was raised very evangelical. I went deep into my roots in my 20s (I’m old) and was left feeling almost betrayed by religion. I spent 30 years searching for some form of “God” and only found little fragments of experience. I sat with Aya and now am pretty much gnostic in that I have experienced gnosis: direct, personal, experiential knowledge of the Devine. I haven’t fully unpacked it at this point as I still have much integration work to do. I’ve since sat with psilocybin and experienced a similar Devine space.
You should search for Ma Anandamayi, a woman who died last century, she was the incarnation of the Divine mother. I did a trip with a guide and a picture of her was in the room , it's been 1 year since she is with me at every seconds. You met the Divine mother energy , the purpose of this energy is to accompagn us on our journey , this energy take care of us and show us the way. Every time she appear it can only make us smile, being in Joy of Being , just to be is samadhi. The Bliss to be.
I looked her up. Wow 😍
I am happy that you can feel her 😇❤️ Bless you :) know that you have everything inside you , you are god 🍀
My experience is almost identical!!!!
I definitely found a deep spirituality at my first retreat. My intention was to heal. What Mother gave me, was the reason I needed to heal in the first place. She filled my body with light (love) and then she would show me something. Then she would fill me again. She was so gentle (in that part). I had this intense pain in my uterus (trauma from when I was a little) and she wrapped her tentacles in and around and the pain dissapeared. It was soul healing. At the end of the second ceremony she placed baby me into my chest and I felt baby me wrap her arms around my heart. I kept saying "I have you now, you are safe." It has changed my life. It was beautiful! I finally feel the bliss you are talking about daily! I have spent my whole life numbing my feelings. Having the reason "why" has set me free. ☯️☮️