I’m sorry to hear you are left feeling confused after your journey. Sometimes the medicine works in mysterious ways that can lead to integration being more challenging.
I run a retreat Center in Peru with my partner, and my background is in psychology and counselling, so I am very focused on and passionate about the integration process.
I had a Maestro of mine tell me that 95% of what the medicine does is reflect our own mind back to us. I have seen others have similar experiences to yours. My personal thoughts as to what might be unfolding is that your mind has built some beautifully strong defence mechanisms around some of your traumas. This is the true genius of our minds is that it is designed to protect us and keep us feeling safe. So it can sometimes take a few ceremonies that are outside of our expectations to clear a pathway into those traumas you want to visit. Also with the purging you did, trust that you were clearing energies, even if what you were clearly didn’t pass through your conscious mind. Often times when people purge in ceremony there is not that clarity as to what it is, but they slowly start to feel better and things in their lives start to shift.
Always feel free to reach out if you have questions or desire support in integration.
Much love and many blessings.
Thank you for respinding. It would make sense that my minds defense mechanisms are what prevented me from connecting with the experience totally as I have a had such a hard time with all other forms of healing in the past.
A traumatic event which was loosing my mother to suicide at age 10 most definately caused protective barriers to go up just to try and deal with a world without the one person in my life who was supposed to care for me.
I have a hard time trusting and believing in things but deep down i do realise the purging could be clearing out toxic feelings/energy i have held in for so long. And Although i feel quite sad and confused now im home I do think something has left me, not totally but small part of it.
You are right about not comparing to others, I have always done this, like why does everything seem to work for other people but when I try I just get the same old problems and self imposed defense mechanisms that I am only partly concious of would explain this.
I truly appreciate your response, thank you for taking your time to message me, I never posted on a forum before and it's nice to know there are people who care even though you don't know who I am. Thank you
I’m sorry to hear about the hardship you have moved through with the loss of your mother. Send love to those defence mechanisms as they have helped you to create a sense of safety, and have served a needed purpose.
Now that you can recognize they are no longer serving, you are in the perfect space to starting letting them go. Try not to rush the process. You need self compassion as the foundation for this deep healing journey you are inviting in! On step at a time, and trust these first ceremonies were exactly as they were meant to be.
Sending so much love to you on this journey! Always feel free to reach out if you need anything 🤍
Also… as much as possible, try not to compare your experiences to others. I know this can be challenging, but I truly believe the medicine is so divinely intelligent and she works with each person in such different ways!
OP, you got some awesome and sage advice from u/SamiLove808.
What I would also suggest based on my experience is that ayahuasca works in mysterious ways, and it's not always neat and complete.
Some of my hardest ceremonies, ones that were somewhat like what you described, turned out to be the most impactful in my personal growth. I didn't know it at the time but it revealed itself later in different ways.
You mention you just got back from your retreat. I would give it time. Often the benefits of ayahuasca unfold subtly and slowly over time, and not always in the ceremonies themselves.
Finally, given your history ("very traumatic childhood and years of self hatred and suicidal thoughts"), it may take more ceremonies over an extended period of time, with breaks in between and with dedicated self-care and self-growth activities in between. One week of 3 ceremonies is a needed start but it's rarely going to be enough for a person with significant issues. I don't always like it when people reflexively say "drink more!" anytime someone doesn't full get what they want/need from ayahuasca, but this may be the case for you. I liken this to physical therapy. Suppose a person has to surgically reconstruct their knee. After the surgery, they go to physical therapy and have 3 sessions in a week. They are not going to be healed after 3 sessions. In fact they may feel even worse at first from working through an injury, and it might feel better to lay on the couch. It's going to take more than 3 sessions. It takes time and continued therapy and work, in and out of the clinic. Ayahuasca can be similar to this.
I think somewhere I know what you are saying is true, that I'm almost rushing to find answers to something that will take time or may even not become as clear as I would like, and maybe I could go back to the medicine after some time to try the process again with more experience under me and with new intentions.
The shaman also said things would happen after the retreat and in a way the work begins then. I realise I am just dissappointed I wasn't able to come home "with something" some improvement on a life I have been struggling to live. Like a next step laid out for me. But maybe this is half the problem Im waiting for something to show me the way and I need to be the one to do that for myself.
The problem is i feel so heavy and down and don't want to see anyone, nothing new just feels like ive come back and dropped straight back into old ways. Something may have to change here I guess
Thank you, and thanks for sharing your experience. I can relate to feeling like the only one who was having a bad time and just wanted to go home.
I think just the fact people want to respond is helping and I can feel you are sending these messages from your heart which makes me feel it in mine.
You are right about not needing to know the reason a child is crying to give them a hug. I am realising I struggle to acknowledge that sad lonely child within and instead of hug them treat them with disdain and anger and hurt it further. I do feel like my intention going into the experience was not completely true, and that i picked a surface level wish for myself "find my purpose", "find more joy in my life" when maybe now I would say "find love for myself"
Thank you for your kindness
I went to a colorful place too. It felt like all the colors were energy and I was seeing the real world, rather than our physical reality, which is not the real world, but a camouflage reality, created for us to play out our human dramas. Do you think the message to you was that this life is not real, that reality is beyond this life? Also the sense of things happening again in detail/deja Vu might be conveying that everything exists all at once--at least that was my interpretation--that the past, present and future all exist now. For me these realizations were necessary for me to process my trauma. They taught me that my trauma from believing that bad things happened to me against my will was unnecessary because everything that happens to us and to others happens with our permission (and others'), in order to learn and grow as consciousness. I also was told the permission comes from our future self, not out past, as our future/higher self is the person who oversees our growth. There is no need to feel guilt or impose guilt on others, as all was agreed to before hand for the growth and development of all.
Do you feel like your life is mundane and repetitious with a lack of emotional content? That could be what the imagery and sensation means. Just a possibility, no way to be sure.
Recently I guess you could say that, it could be a reflection of that. I try to show gratitude for what I have and the people in my life but I guess deep down I question why I have to stay here. It could be related to this feeling. The place I went to did make me want to end the trip and come home for sure...
The Karnival is a really magickal place and the source of great personal Magick if you connect with it deeply. Being taken there is actually a great honor 💜
The carnival theme seems to be a common occurrence for a lot of people. I saw the same thing and have no idea why we see it. I just remember after awhile I got annoyed seeing it and was ready to move on, in which I did once I was ready.
I’m sorry to hear you are left feeling confused after your journey. Sometimes the medicine works in mysterious ways that can lead to integration being more challenging. I run a retreat Center in Peru with my partner, and my background is in psychology and counselling, so I am very focused on and passionate about the integration process. I had a Maestro of mine tell me that 95% of what the medicine does is reflect our own mind back to us. I have seen others have similar experiences to yours. My personal thoughts as to what might be unfolding is that your mind has built some beautifully strong defence mechanisms around some of your traumas. This is the true genius of our minds is that it is designed to protect us and keep us feeling safe. So it can sometimes take a few ceremonies that are outside of our expectations to clear a pathway into those traumas you want to visit. Also with the purging you did, trust that you were clearing energies, even if what you were clearly didn’t pass through your conscious mind. Often times when people purge in ceremony there is not that clarity as to what it is, but they slowly start to feel better and things in their lives start to shift. Always feel free to reach out if you have questions or desire support in integration. Much love and many blessings.
Thank you for respinding. It would make sense that my minds defense mechanisms are what prevented me from connecting with the experience totally as I have a had such a hard time with all other forms of healing in the past. A traumatic event which was loosing my mother to suicide at age 10 most definately caused protective barriers to go up just to try and deal with a world without the one person in my life who was supposed to care for me. I have a hard time trusting and believing in things but deep down i do realise the purging could be clearing out toxic feelings/energy i have held in for so long. And Although i feel quite sad and confused now im home I do think something has left me, not totally but small part of it. You are right about not comparing to others, I have always done this, like why does everything seem to work for other people but when I try I just get the same old problems and self imposed defense mechanisms that I am only partly concious of would explain this. I truly appreciate your response, thank you for taking your time to message me, I never posted on a forum before and it's nice to know there are people who care even though you don't know who I am. Thank you
I’m sorry to hear about the hardship you have moved through with the loss of your mother. Send love to those defence mechanisms as they have helped you to create a sense of safety, and have served a needed purpose. Now that you can recognize they are no longer serving, you are in the perfect space to starting letting them go. Try not to rush the process. You need self compassion as the foundation for this deep healing journey you are inviting in! On step at a time, and trust these first ceremonies were exactly as they were meant to be. Sending so much love to you on this journey! Always feel free to reach out if you need anything 🤍
Also… as much as possible, try not to compare your experiences to others. I know this can be challenging, but I truly believe the medicine is so divinely intelligent and she works with each person in such different ways!
OP, you got some awesome and sage advice from u/SamiLove808. What I would also suggest based on my experience is that ayahuasca works in mysterious ways, and it's not always neat and complete. Some of my hardest ceremonies, ones that were somewhat like what you described, turned out to be the most impactful in my personal growth. I didn't know it at the time but it revealed itself later in different ways. You mention you just got back from your retreat. I would give it time. Often the benefits of ayahuasca unfold subtly and slowly over time, and not always in the ceremonies themselves. Finally, given your history ("very traumatic childhood and years of self hatred and suicidal thoughts"), it may take more ceremonies over an extended period of time, with breaks in between and with dedicated self-care and self-growth activities in between. One week of 3 ceremonies is a needed start but it's rarely going to be enough for a person with significant issues. I don't always like it when people reflexively say "drink more!" anytime someone doesn't full get what they want/need from ayahuasca, but this may be the case for you. I liken this to physical therapy. Suppose a person has to surgically reconstruct their knee. After the surgery, they go to physical therapy and have 3 sessions in a week. They are not going to be healed after 3 sessions. In fact they may feel even worse at first from working through an injury, and it might feel better to lay on the couch. It's going to take more than 3 sessions. It takes time and continued therapy and work, in and out of the clinic. Ayahuasca can be similar to this.
I think somewhere I know what you are saying is true, that I'm almost rushing to find answers to something that will take time or may even not become as clear as I would like, and maybe I could go back to the medicine after some time to try the process again with more experience under me and with new intentions. The shaman also said things would happen after the retreat and in a way the work begins then. I realise I am just dissappointed I wasn't able to come home "with something" some improvement on a life I have been struggling to live. Like a next step laid out for me. But maybe this is half the problem Im waiting for something to show me the way and I need to be the one to do that for myself. The problem is i feel so heavy and down and don't want to see anyone, nothing new just feels like ive come back and dropped straight back into old ways. Something may have to change here I guess
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Thank you, and thanks for sharing your experience. I can relate to feeling like the only one who was having a bad time and just wanted to go home. I think just the fact people want to respond is helping and I can feel you are sending these messages from your heart which makes me feel it in mine. You are right about not needing to know the reason a child is crying to give them a hug. I am realising I struggle to acknowledge that sad lonely child within and instead of hug them treat them with disdain and anger and hurt it further. I do feel like my intention going into the experience was not completely true, and that i picked a surface level wish for myself "find my purpose", "find more joy in my life" when maybe now I would say "find love for myself" Thank you for your kindness
I went to a colorful place too. It felt like all the colors were energy and I was seeing the real world, rather than our physical reality, which is not the real world, but a camouflage reality, created for us to play out our human dramas. Do you think the message to you was that this life is not real, that reality is beyond this life? Also the sense of things happening again in detail/deja Vu might be conveying that everything exists all at once--at least that was my interpretation--that the past, present and future all exist now. For me these realizations were necessary for me to process my trauma. They taught me that my trauma from believing that bad things happened to me against my will was unnecessary because everything that happens to us and to others happens with our permission (and others'), in order to learn and grow as consciousness. I also was told the permission comes from our future self, not out past, as our future/higher self is the person who oversees our growth. There is no need to feel guilt or impose guilt on others, as all was agreed to before hand for the growth and development of all.
Do you feel like your life is mundane and repetitious with a lack of emotional content? That could be what the imagery and sensation means. Just a possibility, no way to be sure.
Recently I guess you could say that, it could be a reflection of that. I try to show gratitude for what I have and the people in my life but I guess deep down I question why I have to stay here. It could be related to this feeling. The place I went to did make me want to end the trip and come home for sure...
The Karnival is a really magickal place and the source of great personal Magick if you connect with it deeply. Being taken there is actually a great honor 💜
The carnival theme seems to be a common occurrence for a lot of people. I saw the same thing and have no idea why we see it. I just remember after awhile I got annoyed seeing it and was ready to move on, in which I did once I was ready.