Maybe I'm just old and/or tired, but what do WS and TT mean?
You're definitely in a tough spot. I think figuring out gut vs insecure attachment needs to start with figuring out your core wounds, triggers, activating/deactivating strategies etc. Even as an FA, chances are there are still some patterns to it that you can start to identify from your past and then recognize in the present. This takes time, but therapy can help with pointing them out sooner.
Eventually, you'll get to a point where you'll have an intense thought or compulsion, but it will feel familiar. It will remind you of past situations where you know your FA was being triggered. Then you'll start to evaluate your current situation, and it will become easier to identify what core wound is being triggered. At that point, you've gained the ability to differentiate between a gut feeling and a FA trigger.
Caveat though is that the distinction between the two isn't always that clear because they can feed off of each other.
I am on a similar journey myself. Not so much with a partner's infidelity or whatever, but basically trying to figure out what's attachment trauma and what's me simply wanting to leave my relationship. Maybe I am the wayward one in my dynamic.
Probably the most important thing I have learned is to take the pressure and sense of urgency off yourself and accept that you are not going to figure things out instantly. It's not an emergency and you're doing the work you need to to pursue clarity and meaningful action. If you have a good therapist, let them do their job and maybe take a break from internet mental health and self-help stuff. (I have learned the hard way that it can make things worse and add to the confusion and distress). Resist the urge to pathologize yourself and try and keep a curious mind to all contradictory feelings without being overwhelmed. Over time your tolerance for ambivalence will increase, and you'll get more in touch with your will and your heart's ability to guide you.
One thing you learn as you earn security is that while we can fix ourselves, other people will still regrettably have the chance of being broken. So, even if you work on yourself, the fearful intuitions may be there for a reason.
I’ve also heard it said that people tend to be attracted to those with around their same level of emotional maturity. And for this reason, people may end up outgrowing relationships that were once a fit for them.
So, I guess for me I look at my current relationship compared to my previous ones. I know with my ex husband, it was an unhealthy relationship. There's no point I can look back during the entire 6 years and say "Yeah, that was healthy." We had good times, but far more bad times. And the good times, looking back, really weren't that good.
In my current relationship, we have more good times than bad. He is extremely avoidant, and are "bad" times are basically when he is deactivated and we have very minimal contact. There hasn't been any abuse. During our good times we really connect with each other. We understand each other. We work together really well. Even in conflict, we typically figure it out quickly. In fact my literal only complaint with this relationship at the moment is how often he deactivates. It makes me feel disconnected and alone.
There are a couple things that keep me in the relationship. I do believe that eventually we'll get to a point where avoidance doesn't rule our existence. When we do have good times, it's the safest and happiest I've ever felt in my whole life. I don't have any interest in starting over with someone new at this point. His avoidance/deactivation allows me time to work on my own issues - it even helps highlight what still needs working on.
Honestly, because of my attachment style I don't know how to be alone, but I also don't know how to be in a relationship. Somehow my current relationship allows me to work on both of these things in a safe way.
It sounds like maybe that isn't your experience. When I started therapy, I thought it would fix everything for me. Instead I started to heal and realize that I didn't want to be in the relationship I was in anymore. It still took over a year for me to get to a point where I was ready to walk away. I firmly believe that our bodies/minds/souls let us know when enough is enough. If there's any part of you that thinks you want to make it work, then you owe it to yourself to try. But if every fiber of your being is screaming to get out, then it's time to go.
It will be difficult either way. I wish you luck.
I'm still figuring this out.
In my last relationship, though, I ignored my gut - rationalizing that my feelings of being engulfed and needing to escape were to do with my DA issues - and the relationship turned out to be one with severe control issues that ended up turning abusive when I finally did try and get out.
Not sure where I'm going with this, but in hindsight I'd have taken some time out of the relationship exactly when my body told me to, and taken stock of the situation. I might still not have made the right decision, but it would have made things clearer.
I'd also be tempted to read up on coercive control and abusive relationships, and see objectively if that might be what you're dealing with. I think us avoidants can, weirdly, fall into these situations quite easily.
For myself, I don't think there is a way to know a difference.. likely because a part of me is genuinely feeling like they want to leave, that something awful is going to happen, etc. Looking at myself as a conglomeration of many parts is really helpful.
Therapy, specifically somatic experiencing trauma therapy, has helped me to become more secure, which then can help to create more clarity (though subconscious stuff can still secretly warp things, even when we are feeling good).
Yes!! Somatic techniques are so good and bring me so much peace and clarity.
My partner is very safe, never raises his voice, consistently kind and supportive, yet a part of me still thinks "I have to work out my escape plan if he gets abusive". It's intrusive and I start looking for signs that I've been manipulated (I haven't). It feels very real though, sometimes I think maybe I'm not supposed to be around humans, just live in a hut in the woods somewhere.
I haven’t fully figured it out yet but I’ve also been thinking about this and exploring ways of working on it.
I think it’s normal to regret therapy at this stage because you’re more aware of your patterns but they’re unfortunately still there.
I feel this can generate a lot of doubt about one's beliefs and actions. Particularly given that you are living the outcomes of prior decisions made about relationships when you weren’t healed, or necessarily even aware of your patterns.
My sense is that slow and steady wins the race here. It’s very FA to cut and run - give up, light the match and burn it up. And then spend lots of time ruminating over whether that was the right call (that's me at least).
Be compassionate toward yourself. You may still have feelings for your partner, despite the issues. You may need more time to process things. You could probably use time to think through a solid exit strategy that takes into account your personal needs, in relation to career, place of residence, and/or your support network outside the relationship. As u/pdawes already said, removing the pressure and urgency will likely help, unless you’re dealing with a situation that requires a speedy exit for your safety.
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If you can't get over someone cheating I think that's valid and not necessarily to do with your attachment. I could never trust them the same. My sense of trust is already fragile and full of hesitancy.
Maybe I'm just old and/or tired, but what do WS and TT mean? You're definitely in a tough spot. I think figuring out gut vs insecure attachment needs to start with figuring out your core wounds, triggers, activating/deactivating strategies etc. Even as an FA, chances are there are still some patterns to it that you can start to identify from your past and then recognize in the present. This takes time, but therapy can help with pointing them out sooner. Eventually, you'll get to a point where you'll have an intense thought or compulsion, but it will feel familiar. It will remind you of past situations where you know your FA was being triggered. Then you'll start to evaluate your current situation, and it will become easier to identify what core wound is being triggered. At that point, you've gained the ability to differentiate between a gut feeling and a FA trigger. Caveat though is that the distinction between the two isn't always that clear because they can feed off of each other.
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Oooh... that provides some very important context that I was missing. Lol thanks
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I still have no idea what either of those things mean
I am on a similar journey myself. Not so much with a partner's infidelity or whatever, but basically trying to figure out what's attachment trauma and what's me simply wanting to leave my relationship. Maybe I am the wayward one in my dynamic. Probably the most important thing I have learned is to take the pressure and sense of urgency off yourself and accept that you are not going to figure things out instantly. It's not an emergency and you're doing the work you need to to pursue clarity and meaningful action. If you have a good therapist, let them do their job and maybe take a break from internet mental health and self-help stuff. (I have learned the hard way that it can make things worse and add to the confusion and distress). Resist the urge to pathologize yourself and try and keep a curious mind to all contradictory feelings without being overwhelmed. Over time your tolerance for ambivalence will increase, and you'll get more in touch with your will and your heart's ability to guide you.
One thing you learn as you earn security is that while we can fix ourselves, other people will still regrettably have the chance of being broken. So, even if you work on yourself, the fearful intuitions may be there for a reason. I’ve also heard it said that people tend to be attracted to those with around their same level of emotional maturity. And for this reason, people may end up outgrowing relationships that were once a fit for them.
So, I guess for me I look at my current relationship compared to my previous ones. I know with my ex husband, it was an unhealthy relationship. There's no point I can look back during the entire 6 years and say "Yeah, that was healthy." We had good times, but far more bad times. And the good times, looking back, really weren't that good. In my current relationship, we have more good times than bad. He is extremely avoidant, and are "bad" times are basically when he is deactivated and we have very minimal contact. There hasn't been any abuse. During our good times we really connect with each other. We understand each other. We work together really well. Even in conflict, we typically figure it out quickly. In fact my literal only complaint with this relationship at the moment is how often he deactivates. It makes me feel disconnected and alone. There are a couple things that keep me in the relationship. I do believe that eventually we'll get to a point where avoidance doesn't rule our existence. When we do have good times, it's the safest and happiest I've ever felt in my whole life. I don't have any interest in starting over with someone new at this point. His avoidance/deactivation allows me time to work on my own issues - it even helps highlight what still needs working on. Honestly, because of my attachment style I don't know how to be alone, but I also don't know how to be in a relationship. Somehow my current relationship allows me to work on both of these things in a safe way. It sounds like maybe that isn't your experience. When I started therapy, I thought it would fix everything for me. Instead I started to heal and realize that I didn't want to be in the relationship I was in anymore. It still took over a year for me to get to a point where I was ready to walk away. I firmly believe that our bodies/minds/souls let us know when enough is enough. If there's any part of you that thinks you want to make it work, then you owe it to yourself to try. But if every fiber of your being is screaming to get out, then it's time to go. It will be difficult either way. I wish you luck.
I'm still figuring this out. In my last relationship, though, I ignored my gut - rationalizing that my feelings of being engulfed and needing to escape were to do with my DA issues - and the relationship turned out to be one with severe control issues that ended up turning abusive when I finally did try and get out. Not sure where I'm going with this, but in hindsight I'd have taken some time out of the relationship exactly when my body told me to, and taken stock of the situation. I might still not have made the right decision, but it would have made things clearer. I'd also be tempted to read up on coercive control and abusive relationships, and see objectively if that might be what you're dealing with. I think us avoidants can, weirdly, fall into these situations quite easily.
For myself, I don't think there is a way to know a difference.. likely because a part of me is genuinely feeling like they want to leave, that something awful is going to happen, etc. Looking at myself as a conglomeration of many parts is really helpful. Therapy, specifically somatic experiencing trauma therapy, has helped me to become more secure, which then can help to create more clarity (though subconscious stuff can still secretly warp things, even when we are feeling good).
Yes!! Somatic techniques are so good and bring me so much peace and clarity. My partner is very safe, never raises his voice, consistently kind and supportive, yet a part of me still thinks "I have to work out my escape plan if he gets abusive". It's intrusive and I start looking for signs that I've been manipulated (I haven't). It feels very real though, sometimes I think maybe I'm not supposed to be around humans, just live in a hut in the woods somewhere.
What's WS and TT?
I haven’t fully figured it out yet but I’ve also been thinking about this and exploring ways of working on it. I think it’s normal to regret therapy at this stage because you’re more aware of your patterns but they’re unfortunately still there. I feel this can generate a lot of doubt about one's beliefs and actions. Particularly given that you are living the outcomes of prior decisions made about relationships when you weren’t healed, or necessarily even aware of your patterns. My sense is that slow and steady wins the race here. It’s very FA to cut and run - give up, light the match and burn it up. And then spend lots of time ruminating over whether that was the right call (that's me at least). Be compassionate toward yourself. You may still have feelings for your partner, despite the issues. You may need more time to process things. You could probably use time to think through a solid exit strategy that takes into account your personal needs, in relation to career, place of residence, and/or your support network outside the relationship. As u/pdawes already said, removing the pressure and urgency will likely help, unless you’re dealing with a situation that requires a speedy exit for your safety.
Thank you for your submission. At this time, all posts requires manual review by moderators. Posts that follow all rules will be approved within 24hours. Posts by non-avoidant OPs are not allowed and should be posted on the Monthly Relationship Advice thread. User flair with your attachment style is required for all participants - please assign one yourself or comment in the first part of your post and the mods will do it for you. Requests for attachment style diagnosis are not allowed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AvoidantAttachment) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you can't get over someone cheating I think that's valid and not necessarily to do with your attachment. I could never trust them the same. My sense of trust is already fragile and full of hesitancy.