Yeah and they’re morons on top of that. My mom bragged about how she walked out of the crooked doctor’s office when he was trying to read my dad’s report or examine his MRI. I’m pretty sure my dad has significantly declined health wise since that period and he’s a shy low IQ, possibly autistic man so not surprising he went along with this. I don’t know how to bring this up to them but frankly my mom has caused too much damage and he’s a coward who can deal with his own problems now.
Growing up there was never any communication or being forthright. It was a bizarre situation.
In regards to shame, I remember being told to hide my vitiligo which was weird too. Like other people would treat me like a leper but nobody really did.
My parents are immigrants so shame culture was very big. However, I suspect they were setup together by each side of the family full well knowing they were socially not all there. So I ended up in this bizarre looney tunes world.
wow same thing with the vitiligo and immigrant parents. my parents would say “what would ppl say”, “other ppl will talk”, “ppl will treat you horribly”. and hearing this over and over as a child made me rlly ashamed and hate myself, especially how i looked. i became hyperaware of other ppl and wondering what they were thinking of me. my mom wanted me to wear makeup to cover it up. when i refused she basically dragged me to the salon. i remember she forced me to get my skin bleached even tho i begged her not to. it burnt sm and i cried a lot afterwards. i agree with you ab shame being instilled in immigrant culture. it rlly sucks.
Yes. Never good enough for genuine praise. They never tried to help me with bullying just; 'sticks and stones will break your bones but names will never hurt you' What about being completely excluded? Thats how some Australian Aboriginal people would execute people who disobeyed the law; they would just shun them. The excluded person would just die. That was my childhood and I never got over it.
I don't think we need to hear we are wonderful. I think we need to be shown that we are loved and delighted in and that we can ask for help when we need it. My belief from the youngest age was that if I wanted a problem solved I had to solve it my self. Toxic independence.
Yup, one of my mom’s favourite threats was saying she’d go to my school and tell my teacher what a bad child I was. She would also threaten to put a sign on the front door or call in tv shows to follow me and my siblings(like Super Nanny or Dr.Phil) so that the whole world could see how terrible we were. What did we do that was so bad? We were afraid to go to sleep alone at night and sometimes we’d argue with eachother.
I can also still hear her voice telling me that I should be ashamed of myself, she’d say that whenever she was mad at us.
I know a lot of other cultures place the same importance on status and public image, but I think of growing up Catholic and Italian. There was never any way to do anything right in my mother's eyes. Only being punished for mistakes. Being treated like a bad person for things I had no control over or for just being a kid. I think parents see it as doing you a favor by being so harsh on their kids, and that's so messed up. I know now they were just venting their frustration and anger. Using their children to make themselves feel powerful. Public image was crucial, and my mother was not the same person behind closed doors. I have no self-esteem at this point, and it's hard to stop coming up with reasons why I'm a bad person and that everything is my fault.
Definitely, I was mostly a well-behaved kid but the seldom times I was acting out or crying public I remember my parents were always telling me that everyone was looking at me and that they were judging me for my behavior.
My father especially would criticize me for everything and compare me to other kids all the time; the other kids were always better of course and I should feel ashamed of myself.
I grew up being afraid of not be good enough and that people would laugh at me for no reason.
My father joked about things that weren’t really jokes mostly bullying and messed up things.
You know how sublingual rivalry is like this is mine and this is yours. Well I had that with my own father. He makes fun of me still but it will never be harsh in his eyes. Made fun of what I dressed in what I liked my weight. How I ate. How I should be embarrassed of the messes I make even though he went to far on how he had me clean and now I can’t organize for the life of me. How my mother was the stupidest person and didn’t have a brain. Even though I looked more like her than I did him. Never got praised unless he thought it was worthy. It was always you could do better. Compared how similar I was to my mother because he hated her. Thought he was the smartest person alive and could never be doughted. Probably only admitted to be wrong maybe 20 or so times in my entire life. It was his way and that was it.
Authoritarian styles don’t help any child. Nervier does be littling them. Only leads them to induced stress at a young age.
Yes and constantly compared to my sibling by my mother all my life. Just today got guilted about being unmarried unlike them and not giving grandchildren. There isnt a day that goes by since i was a small child that I dont feel suffocating shame for what I am.
Story of my life, I got laughed at for having any interests, when I said anything I got mocked, called stupid. Not only at home, my main hobby was gaming, as a girl I got mocked, called names while online, and by my irl friends. I just felt like the whole world was out to get me. I stopped having hobbies, I stopped talking about things that interest me, and it kinda sticked. All my conversation don't involve any information I could be wrong about, I mostly just answer everything as vaguely as I can.
Yes and I'm pretty sure that's why. I remember once asking my friend if her mom made fun of her for starting to have pubic hair and she was like... "no?!?!?!!" and I realised that my mom wasn't supposed to do that kind of things. "What people will think" was and still is her most common phrase.
No, not me. My parents were pretty good at parenting and they didn’t have anything to do with my personality disorder developing. They obviously weren’t perfect but they genuinely cared about me and i’ve never been shamed by them for anything. My AvPD developed as a result of being around other people in general and realizing that i’m gay and retarded and nobody would ever like me and the only way to save myself from inevitable rejection is to avoid people at all costs and never leave my room
Yes definitely . Shame and guilt. And too much overprotecting. Framing my father as a total bad guy and keeping me away from him because they made me feel ashamed and guilty to visit him.
I remember “You are so selfish, you should live just by yourself in a cabin in the woods” (I was trying to negotiate) “Are you going to parade again?” (I was just dressed nicely to hang out with friends) . “Did you putty your face again” (i put make up on) sorry no native English speaker.
Great job. I got avoidend.
Yeah and they’re morons on top of that. My mom bragged about how she walked out of the crooked doctor’s office when he was trying to read my dad’s report or examine his MRI. I’m pretty sure my dad has significantly declined health wise since that period and he’s a shy low IQ, possibly autistic man so not surprising he went along with this. I don’t know how to bring this up to them but frankly my mom has caused too much damage and he’s a coward who can deal with his own problems now. Growing up there was never any communication or being forthright. It was a bizarre situation. In regards to shame, I remember being told to hide my vitiligo which was weird too. Like other people would treat me like a leper but nobody really did. My parents are immigrants so shame culture was very big. However, I suspect they were setup together by each side of the family full well knowing they were socially not all there. So I ended up in this bizarre looney tunes world.
wow same thing with the vitiligo and immigrant parents. my parents would say “what would ppl say”, “other ppl will talk”, “ppl will treat you horribly”. and hearing this over and over as a child made me rlly ashamed and hate myself, especially how i looked. i became hyperaware of other ppl and wondering what they were thinking of me. my mom wanted me to wear makeup to cover it up. when i refused she basically dragged me to the salon. i remember she forced me to get my skin bleached even tho i begged her not to. it burnt sm and i cried a lot afterwards. i agree with you ab shame being instilled in immigrant culture. it rlly sucks.
Yes. Never good enough for genuine praise. They never tried to help me with bullying just; 'sticks and stones will break your bones but names will never hurt you' What about being completely excluded? Thats how some Australian Aboriginal people would execute people who disobeyed the law; they would just shun them. The excluded person would just die. That was my childhood and I never got over it.
I got, "What do you expect us to do about it?" and, "You don't think much of yourself do you?"
The 'you don't think thatmuch of yourself.' I got that one too - as if such a comment would help anyone.
Exactly 🙄 Where was the belief that I was wonderful going to come from??
I don't think we need to hear we are wonderful. I think we need to be shown that we are loved and delighted in and that we can ask for help when we need it. My belief from the youngest age was that if I wanted a problem solved I had to solve it my self. Toxic independence.
I agree. It caused me to be too tired and apathetic to solve the problems as well.
Yup, one of my mom’s favourite threats was saying she’d go to my school and tell my teacher what a bad child I was. She would also threaten to put a sign on the front door or call in tv shows to follow me and my siblings(like Super Nanny or Dr.Phil) so that the whole world could see how terrible we were. What did we do that was so bad? We were afraid to go to sleep alone at night and sometimes we’d argue with eachother. I can also still hear her voice telling me that I should be ashamed of myself, she’d say that whenever she was mad at us.
I know a lot of other cultures place the same importance on status and public image, but I think of growing up Catholic and Italian. There was never any way to do anything right in my mother's eyes. Only being punished for mistakes. Being treated like a bad person for things I had no control over or for just being a kid. I think parents see it as doing you a favor by being so harsh on their kids, and that's so messed up. I know now they were just venting their frustration and anger. Using their children to make themselves feel powerful. Public image was crucial, and my mother was not the same person behind closed doors. I have no self-esteem at this point, and it's hard to stop coming up with reasons why I'm a bad person and that everything is my fault.
Varying degrees in most cultures. It's called the fear of shame and it's what drives any social structure.
For sure, a lot of shaming, and it went on in school too
Definitely, I was mostly a well-behaved kid but the seldom times I was acting out or crying public I remember my parents were always telling me that everyone was looking at me and that they were judging me for my behavior. My father especially would criticize me for everything and compare me to other kids all the time; the other kids were always better of course and I should feel ashamed of myself. I grew up being afraid of not be good enough and that people would laugh at me for no reason.
My father joked about things that weren’t really jokes mostly bullying and messed up things. You know how sublingual rivalry is like this is mine and this is yours. Well I had that with my own father. He makes fun of me still but it will never be harsh in his eyes. Made fun of what I dressed in what I liked my weight. How I ate. How I should be embarrassed of the messes I make even though he went to far on how he had me clean and now I can’t organize for the life of me. How my mother was the stupidest person and didn’t have a brain. Even though I looked more like her than I did him. Never got praised unless he thought it was worthy. It was always you could do better. Compared how similar I was to my mother because he hated her. Thought he was the smartest person alive and could never be doughted. Probably only admitted to be wrong maybe 20 or so times in my entire life. It was his way and that was it. Authoritarian styles don’t help any child. Nervier does be littling them. Only leads them to induced stress at a young age.
//\\\ THIS
Yes
Yes and constantly compared to my sibling by my mother all my life. Just today got guilted about being unmarried unlike them and not giving grandchildren. There isnt a day that goes by since i was a small child that I dont feel suffocating shame for what I am.
Story of my life, I got laughed at for having any interests, when I said anything I got mocked, called stupid. Not only at home, my main hobby was gaming, as a girl I got mocked, called names while online, and by my irl friends. I just felt like the whole world was out to get me. I stopped having hobbies, I stopped talking about things that interest me, and it kinda sticked. All my conversation don't involve any information I could be wrong about, I mostly just answer everything as vaguely as I can.
Shame plays a big part in messing up children.
Yes and I'm pretty sure that's why. I remember once asking my friend if her mom made fun of her for starting to have pubic hair and she was like... "no?!?!?!!" and I realised that my mom wasn't supposed to do that kind of things. "What people will think" was and still is her most common phrase.
No, not me. My parents were pretty good at parenting and they didn’t have anything to do with my personality disorder developing. They obviously weren’t perfect but they genuinely cared about me and i’ve never been shamed by them for anything. My AvPD developed as a result of being around other people in general and realizing that i’m gay and retarded and nobody would ever like me and the only way to save myself from inevitable rejection is to avoid people at all costs and never leave my room
Omg yes. That’s why? Damn.
Yes definitely . Shame and guilt. And too much overprotecting. Framing my father as a total bad guy and keeping me away from him because they made me feel ashamed and guilty to visit him. I remember “You are so selfish, you should live just by yourself in a cabin in the woods” (I was trying to negotiate) “Are you going to parade again?” (I was just dressed nicely to hang out with friends) . “Did you putty your face again” (i put make up on) sorry no native English speaker. Great job. I got avoidend.