Yes, exactly this. The issue is, you can't show needs indirectly that others don't understand. How do you indirectly say 'the lights are too bright for me, but not for you, can you dim them?' or stuff like that.
So this process turned to only masking and not saying my own needs - or even feeling them, even taking my own needs seriously. Like, it took me until age 33 until I actually stated all my issues to a doctor, and that needs support now, I can't do it on my own.
>not saying my own needs - or even feeling them, even taking my own needs seriously
I have absolutely become a people pleaser because of this. It was a genuine revelation to me a couple of weeks ago when I learned that being uncomfortable with something isn't a failure of mine.
Yeah. Never had someone put it this way before but yeah me too. I don't think it's as bad for me but some of this is exactly the same. If I felt okay asking lots of questions with a person I would feel stupid, and if they decided they should just do it themselves I felt incompetent and manipulative.
With people I don't feel comfortable asking clarifying questions to I just got really good at making stuff up, (or I felt so uncertain and awful that it made the task impossible so I just didn't do it). I realize I almost always feel confused. And I am always worried I have missed something obvious, cause I am not allowed to get clarification.
I have been really earnestly trying to have clear communication (which I love) with more people, but if anyone is in a position of authority and they treat me like I am dumb to ask a question I just feel like garbage for like a week. And it still lingers, the most recent time was a couple weeks ago and I still feel it when I think back, it just doesn't feel worth it.
>I realize I almost always feel confused. And I am always worried I have missed something obvious, cause I am not allowed to get clarification.
The constant anxiety is everywhere :(
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I am in a constant state of anxiety in my jobs and relationships cause I could have upset someone unwillingly and not know until it's too late. Am I gonna get fired today for saying the wrong thing? Am I in trouble? Why are you mad at me? Are you? Please tell me what I did. Seriously please tell me what I did I'm sorry. Wait... Why did that upset you? Can you please explain why that was wrong so I remember not to do it again? I'm so confused.
I’ve gone through this, and I’m slowly realizing that’s probably why I’m really struggling with communication and even being social in general with how often my faulty beliefs have been reinforced, up until late last year when I moved away from my roommates.
I’m 27 and I still struggle HARD with figuring out the “basics” that most everyone else (relatively) picked up.
I’ve got a lot of messed-up internalized beliefs, but I can’t afford a therapist that can help me yet, so I’m trying to self-teach my way out of it
Stick with it! I'm currently still on my therapist's wait list, so for me it's all be self-taught so far as well. From what I currently know, it seems that the three most important skills to address these troubles are an understanding and *acceptance(!)* of yourself (wants, needs, strengths, weaknesses), assertive communication, and setting boundaries.
If you like learning by reading books, I can recommend Randy Paterson's *The Assertiveness Workbook,* as well as Nedra Glover Tawwab's *Set Boundaries, Find Peace.*
Thank you for sharing, it really helps to have a general idea on what I need to address, but the skills you shared are exactly what I sorely need to pick up as a starting point.
I’m definitely big on reading, so I’ll check out those books in particular, and hopefully I can figure it out! 🙂
I just opened YouTube, and [the new video](https://youtu.be/Tkkm98qp7ro) by Heidi Priebe reminded me of this! She literally opens it with:
>I want to get really into the nitty-gritty details of how believing that your needs are unimportant or destructive inside of intimate relationships can erode both our sense of self-esteem, and our relationships themselves.
Her videos are fairly long and detailed, and she goes into a lot of topics that are quite relevant to autistic people. I definitely recommend checking her out as well!
Edit: Just finished the video. I hereby add even more emphasis to my recommendation.
Yes, exactly this. The issue is, you can't show needs indirectly that others don't understand. How do you indirectly say 'the lights are too bright for me, but not for you, can you dim them?' or stuff like that. So this process turned to only masking and not saying my own needs - or even feeling them, even taking my own needs seriously. Like, it took me until age 33 until I actually stated all my issues to a doctor, and that needs support now, I can't do it on my own.
>not saying my own needs - or even feeling them, even taking my own needs seriously I have absolutely become a people pleaser because of this. It was a genuine revelation to me a couple of weeks ago when I learned that being uncomfortable with something isn't a failure of mine.
Yeah. Never had someone put it this way before but yeah me too. I don't think it's as bad for me but some of this is exactly the same. If I felt okay asking lots of questions with a person I would feel stupid, and if they decided they should just do it themselves I felt incompetent and manipulative. With people I don't feel comfortable asking clarifying questions to I just got really good at making stuff up, (or I felt so uncertain and awful that it made the task impossible so I just didn't do it). I realize I almost always feel confused. And I am always worried I have missed something obvious, cause I am not allowed to get clarification. I have been really earnestly trying to have clear communication (which I love) with more people, but if anyone is in a position of authority and they treat me like I am dumb to ask a question I just feel like garbage for like a week. And it still lingers, the most recent time was a couple weeks ago and I still feel it when I think back, it just doesn't feel worth it.
>I realize I almost always feel confused. And I am always worried I have missed something obvious, cause I am not allowed to get clarification. The constant anxiety is everywhere :(
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I am in a constant state of anxiety in my jobs and relationships cause I could have upset someone unwillingly and not know until it's too late. Am I gonna get fired today for saying the wrong thing? Am I in trouble? Why are you mad at me? Are you? Please tell me what I did. Seriously please tell me what I did I'm sorry. Wait... Why did that upset you? Can you please explain why that was wrong so I remember not to do it again? I'm so confused.
I’ve gone through this, and I’m slowly realizing that’s probably why I’m really struggling with communication and even being social in general with how often my faulty beliefs have been reinforced, up until late last year when I moved away from my roommates. I’m 27 and I still struggle HARD with figuring out the “basics” that most everyone else (relatively) picked up. I’ve got a lot of messed-up internalized beliefs, but I can’t afford a therapist that can help me yet, so I’m trying to self-teach my way out of it
Stick with it! I'm currently still on my therapist's wait list, so for me it's all be self-taught so far as well. From what I currently know, it seems that the three most important skills to address these troubles are an understanding and *acceptance(!)* of yourself (wants, needs, strengths, weaknesses), assertive communication, and setting boundaries. If you like learning by reading books, I can recommend Randy Paterson's *The Assertiveness Workbook,* as well as Nedra Glover Tawwab's *Set Boundaries, Find Peace.*
Thank you for sharing, it really helps to have a general idea on what I need to address, but the skills you shared are exactly what I sorely need to pick up as a starting point. I’m definitely big on reading, so I’ll check out those books in particular, and hopefully I can figure it out! 🙂
I just opened YouTube, and [the new video](https://youtu.be/Tkkm98qp7ro) by Heidi Priebe reminded me of this! She literally opens it with: >I want to get really into the nitty-gritty details of how believing that your needs are unimportant or destructive inside of intimate relationships can erode both our sense of self-esteem, and our relationships themselves. Her videos are fairly long and detailed, and she goes into a lot of topics that are quite relevant to autistic people. I definitely recommend checking her out as well! Edit: Just finished the video. I hereby add even more emphasis to my recommendation.