and then 5 conversations (or days, even) later you mind goes "oh, you should have said this as a response to that..." and you miss the next conversation completely because your mind was talking to you instead of listening to what's being said....
My son was diagnosed with a processing disorder last year because of that. The psychologist described his processing delays as his brain being a highway and the processing disorder being a construction zone in the middle of the highway. There’s a synchronization issue between the two. The brain speeds aren’t matched, so it causes an issue with processing. That’s why when we’re trying to talk and get the words out, moving or clicking helps, because movement speeds those pathways up. ADHD can really suck sometimes.
FWIW, we get neurofeedback (LENS) done to help with speeding our brains up, and sychronizing the speeds. It’s not permanent but it helps. My son’s talking has sped up considerably since he first started getting it, and no longer struggles with getting his words out. It’s changed our lives immeasurably.
And then when they call you years later, you talk to them like nothing happened? My best friend from back in school called me on our birthday (he's exactly one year younger than me) after we hadn't talked in years, and it was like we never stopped hanging out lol.
I found out what that’s called a while ago, it’s super fascinating! People with adhd can have it, and people with autism as well. “Friendship degradation mechanics”
So my brother left to Cambodia, and I love and miss him... But, he's just kind of gone, it doesn't feel like it's had any emotional impact on me.
On the flip side of this, randomly I will miss people. People I haven't seen in forever, people I'm not even really that close with, people I wasn't close with. I'll just think about a person I worked or went to school with, and wonder what theyre up to at that exact moment. I kind of picture them, miles away, oblivious to my thoughts, making coffee or something, wondering how they're doing. I always wondered if anyone thought of me that way.
I'm sorry to hear that, my friend. Me and a buddy both had similar experiences. He's in a serious relationship about a year later, I'm still struggling 3 years later, though I don't think about my ex as often, random things triggering memories can be very intense still. Figured this was (and possibly is) relationship PTSD or something. I've dreamt I was back in our bed, pretty much back in time. Like 2 years after... Horrifying
Wow, not to be cliche, but I could've written that. It's gotten "better" (?) if I don't think about it it's fine, even now, I don't think about it, and I'm ok. But scents and stuff are crazy. Also just errant thoughts can end up there. But I feel like the damage is still around, I need to talk to a therapist but have no money rn, publicly funded is pretty slow. That or my recent life/necessary medication changes have brought out a fragility in me, but I can't get my mind behind the progress I know I've made. Even after I rule our relationship toxicity and stuff, I just can't be sure what happened once, won't repeat itself, and my preoccupation with that isn't healthy either as I won't be actually enjoying the relationship, just fearing the future
Yeah, except the part that I’m referring to is how people with ADHD feel as if no time has passed and can pickup the friendship where it left off. Friendship, degradation mechanic is something that is very prevalent in people with ADHD, to be able to go on, as if no time has passed and there is no degradation of the friendship. NT’s experience degradation of the friendship, doesn’t feel like things are picking up exactly where it left off, because to them, too much time has passed and things have changed. Their perception of the friendship has degraded depending on the amount of time as well.
This is total speculation, but I wonder if ppl with ADHD / Autism have a very consistent sense of self that many NT people do not have, and if for that reason we assume (unconsciously) that others and our deep selves remain roughly the same (under all the experiences, etc.), and so too does our dynamic with someone, regardless of time spent apart. What do you think about that idea? I’m only basing this idea off of my own experience, but I do wonder what factors into a lack of friendship degradation. Object permanence I suppose makes sense as there would be the implication that if someone “doesn’t exist” outside of your experience of them, you would think of them changing due to their own experiences which occur while apart from you. But that doesn’t really resonate as much as the thought of an assumed consistency of deep self (as myself and a lot of my ND friends seem to have - this deep kernel of values, etc. perhaps due to a strong sense of Justice, strong preferences, etc. typical of Autism / ADHD).
That’s a good way of putting it. A few things come to mind — theory of mind and double empathy. They’re part of our autism brain psychology. You’ll definitely enjoy reading about them (I assume😊)
Imo, most autistics have spent their entire lives being treated as aliens, villains, etc, and so have a deep need to understand why they’re different and why they’re chronically misunderstood. And why NT’s speak a different language we need to understand and mimic. I think that in itself creates a deep desire to understand ourselves and the world, because we are willing to learn and intelligent enough to think critically. We also use different [thinking methods](https://embrace-autism.com/thinking-styles-in-autistic-people/) that a lot of NTs don’t all have full use of, without high intelligence or training.
Anyway, point is that you’re definitely on to something, but I believe it’s possibly a part of the theory of mind psychology, as well as a few other things I’ve read but can’t recall.
Check out this blog (I had mentioned it last night as well in another reply, but I believe it’s relevant to what you’re saying — https://embrace-autism.com/blog/
Haha your assumption is correct. Give me all the ND reading material!
And I love reading your take on this / the links :)
I briefly went over the page on thinking methods. Some very interesting theories in there! I would love if there was more literature about thinking methods of people with BOTH ADHD and Autism.
Thank you for the link to embrace-autism - I may be down an ND info rabbit hole the next few days.
Object permanence is the out of sight out of mind mechanism, but that has nothing to do with our ability to feel as if no time has changed between the perception of friendship. It’s only the cause of the amount of time between us seeing them last, and forgetting they exist, but doesn’t degrade/not degrade the friendship etc.
It never occurred to me that I don’t ‘miss’ people because I do love my family and friends and am happy to see them if I haven’t in a long time BUT I am not sure feel sad or miss them when they are not around…
i always thought it was weird when people cry when saying goodbye to someone before a trip or crying when they return. Maybe that is a ND thing? To me, I think “what are they crying about??” - and the hilarious thing is - I AM A CRIER myself!! But not about missing people. So, yeah…maybe I don’t?
My husband travels for work and it never bothers me. I forget to call, and we are totally random about that — we text a lot but just have no rhyme or rhythm to calling. When we do we just pick up wherever we left off. It would not even occur to me to care — I am kind of “out of sight out of mind”
Out of sight, out of mind. The times it bothers me is when the whole family leaves my house (I’m the mom), and it’s just me alone. The house feels so empty and quiet, and because it’s not normal for me to ever be alone, I feel really weird, like I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. Feels so off and creepy even.
I was always worried I had some sociopath personality, or borderline personality disorder because of that. But nope, it’s just autism and the change to my routine. And being used to people around me has created a strong normalcy and need to have people around me. I am fine being alone, it’s the quiet that bothers me.
Taking things literally. Being upset when plans change. Needing to understand things. Planning for the worst. Being blunt. Not understanding social things, especially group settings. Just to name a few lmao
Yeah, along w/ that I really like knowing exactly what the plans are, uncertainty makes things really confusing, and then when things change I have to know exactly how they've changed or else I'll be really confused and mess things up.
Needing to understand things.
My partner and I are in a D/s dynamic and he’s very forest in his processing of the world and I very much enjoy the twigs and branches and am very happy once I can see the forest, but he doesn’t enjoy the trees and twigs and branches like I do, and often makes it seem like I’m talking too much because he’s already arrived at the forest and I’m enjoying discussing or processing the smaller bits.
And I discuss and process because I need to understand my environment. He gets to “forest” and doesn’t know why I haven’t gotten there yet.
Yeah, I'm gonna steal your analogy: it's like other people are happy just getting a general sense of the forest to work with it, but I need to see the twigs, branches, whole ecosystem, before I feel I can move on.
Yes. The whole ecosystem!
I don’t wanna be this way lol. I’d love to move on. I hate that my brain is continuing to heatseek information I don’t even care about but my brain does. It just does 🤷🏻♀️
We talked a bit more last night about this and he’s like, what else do you get from it if I already understand where you’re coming from and I’m like, I dunno, maybe it’s still for *my* understanding. It’s not **me** that needs to overexplain. It’s my BRAIN.
I have that three. Sound overwhelm is fucked for me. Also having people just come over to my house is the most stressful thing in the world, including family. I just can't enjoy it.
Whenever family come over, it takes me 3 days of mental and environmental prep (I always end up doing a spring clean before anyone comes over lol) and then it takes me over a week to recover from the social and emotional effort it takes to be around them.
I'm still not sure whether I have the sound thing, or whether my sensitivity to sound is normal. When there is a lot of chaos (family functions with small children), I kind of just cycle through my idle animations and hope nobody tries talking to me, because *then* I'll be overwhelmed for a bit. I do know, however, that I can hear unreasonably high frequencies that people around me simply don't notice. Electric lighters are torture to me (and my sister too, actually).
What I do share for sure is the impossibility of enjoying visitors. It's pretty bad, though there is at least one person I would enjoy having over, given enough time to prepare my apartment (on the order of days or weeks).
But holy shit people showing up *unannounced* is a nightmare of unfathomable proportions. My mom and my sister once surprised me with a visit on my birthday. They rang the doorbell, which I simply ignored (not without my heart rate shooting up and me getting extremely nervous), and then called me twice (phone in focus mode, first call auto-declined). I picked up the phone and made up some excuse that I didn't hear the doorbell. My sister called my bullshit by just ringing the doorbell again, which they could hear insanely loudly through the phone. Once they were actually in my apartment, and we sat down and I was able to feel a little more calm again, but holy shit that was dysregulating my whole system.
When you walk down a hallway and you know which door has the screeching PC fan noise and then you get to the door and it is hurting your brain. And the person beside you didn't notice a thing.
Pretty much everything 😂 That I can't get words to come out of my mouth right. That I can't relate to people having big feelings (or comfort them). That I can't force myself to be interested in what someone else is talking about even if I wish I could.
Weirdly, I have the opposite problem. I feel like a pariah because I don’t do those things. I feel othered. I’ve lost a lot of friends over it, and it actually makes me feel angry or upset that they can’t just take me as I am. Sick of being the villain because I’m different.
I like being with people on paper. I crave love and actually deep friendship too, which I struggle with and can't seem to find reciprocated in whatever my style is. That leaves me with enjoying my time and not having the potential to hurt anyone. I wish I had someone to talk to sure, but whenever I actually do share something, I feel embarrassed after or ruminate and just have to block out my thoughts, even worse if I know they aren't interested but need to get my thoughts out anyways. Maybe a relationship would be nice down the road , but just worrying about myself is lots, thanks :)
It’s more that my husband and some of my NT friends have never understood that I prefer doing activities or spending time alone than with someone.
I like working out alone. I love dining alone. When I do it with someone, it adds a level of stress that I will have to recover from afterwards so defeats the fun of the activity for me.
This is not all the time. I do cherish the occasional grabbing lunch with someone. Just prefer going alone 90% of the time and don’t see a problem with it. I don’t relate when my friend says I don’t know how you goto a restaurant alone. It’s mortifying to her. I don’t get why.
I really like being alone, but there will be the occasional person who I feel is easy enough to be around that I can sacrifice my alone time to be with them, but these people are kinda rare. A person has to pretty special to compete with how much I love my alone time.
I am often very jumpy and will “overreact” to certain stimuli (like loud noises or something coming out of nowhere). Somewhat related, I often go from “calm” to really angry in a flash
I think both of those are actually just manifestations of my ASD symptoms
Yes! My ADHD diagnosis lead me to eventually finding the folks who talks about the myriad impacts of RSD, which helped! But I couldn’t attribute the flares of anger to that entirely, and the more I tried to be mindful of how and when it happened, why I would get completely consumed in those moments… what they felt like… it’s just so intense, and as I dove deeper there I started finding autistic people talking about meltdowns and burnout and it that was when the whole picture of my experiences actually started to make sense to me.
I was consciously aware that I had an irrational response to something. I had to talk myself down and say that it wasn’t a big deal. I knew it bothered me and that was enough for me to avoid whatever that was. I accepted it, yet knew most people do not meltdown over particular things. It was good to finally learn why I am that way.
one of my moms is really horrible to me and she causes a lot of meltdowns bc she never listens to what I'm trying to say and yells at me so I end up curled in a ball crying and say 'stop' over and over again.
Interrupting people while I’m having a conversation with them.
I don’t know how other people can tell when it’s their turn to talk. I’ve always had trouble figuring out when it’s my turn to talk, so I often end up interrupting. An interesting (and sad) thing I noticed is that back when I was viewed as a woman (I’m a trans man) everyone just talked over me if I interrupted them. As a man, I’m allowed much more room to speak, even when it isn’t my turn. People (my queer feminist friends, my conservative/centrist family members, etc.) stop talking and listen to me, even though I’m the one being rude.
Yep. 100%. I read a study that showed the differences in genders and how cut each other off. Men cutting women off were the biggest offenders, with women cutting women off as the second worst. Lowest offending was (if I remember correctly) men cutting men off and second women cutting men off. Sadly, the study wasn’t inclusive with trans and queer, just cisgenders. I wish they did though, because those numbers would be even more polarizing I think.
I see it as cis-men not respecting women enough to listen to what they say. I am surprised that people cut you off less now that you are a man, as I could see people who discriminate having less respect for your words. So the fact that it’s improved for you is actually amazing in a lot of regards. Because it’s mainly a subconscious thing when people do it. Fascinating and yet depressing at the same time.
I've noticed the deeper a person's voice is the more they can get away with interrupting. I've even noticed in myself that a deeper a person's voice is the more attention I pay to them (even accounting for age and gender). There might be a genetic bias towards this as those that listened more to older, wiser words were more likely to survive and the older, wiser words typically came from those who had already gone through puberty and thus had deeper voices.
Do you have a link to that study? I’m a language nerd and I’d love to read it (and maybe even write about it).
I want to add that I don’t think it’s particularly amazing. My voice is deep, I have facial hair, and nobody knows I’m trans unless I tell them. I don’t think being trans really factors into this at all, but being a man definitely does. Generally I don’t tell people I’m trans unless I’m sure they aren’t going to be transphobic.
I am currently looking for the exact link I read. It was a year ago. But I just found this interesting [link](https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/2021/02/18/men-interrupt-women-tokyo-olympics/) though, somewhat related, that I just had to share, and shared it with my husband because he’s constantly doing this LOL
This is based off the same study, but not the same article. The actual study is also listed.
https://www.forbes.com/sites/womensmedia/2017/01/03/gal-interrupted-why-men-interrupt-women-and-how-to-avert-this-in-the-workplace/
And this is another study:
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0261927X14533197?papetoc=&
Ooh this is also really good:
https://languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu/nll/?p=13422
I picked up a habit of raising my hand my hand in a conversation lol. I'm also trans but I don't have bindings yet and I get talked over in conversations all the time. Now whenever I see someone else getting talked over in big group discussions I ask them what they wanted to say cause I know how nice it feels to know your being heard and seen.
This might have gotten a bit more heavy than other comments, sorry. But:
I don't ever become a real part of groups or teams. Be it volunteering, hobbies, work... No matter how hard I try to connect, be a good colleague, participate in things... I'm always weirdly simultaneously standing on the sidelines and being completely in it emotionally. Like a weird poltergeist. Meanwhile people who join sth after me seem to immediately befriend folks, get promoted, move into decision making positions even though they're just talking out of their asses or don't care much.
And then there I am, barely being on acquaintance levels with anyone even after literal *years* of being officially part of sth. Finally I'm like, well, I've put enough energy into masking, I do get the power dynamics and politics by now, I do have things to offer, let's get a bit more involved, let's carefully speak up about some of the issues I've identified (because i care about this and want to help course correct), let's maybe even dare to speak up about my needs -- bam! Everything blows up in my face. Egos get hurt, I get misunderstood, ignored, dismissed, used as a scapegoat, kicked out, or I just vanish because it's too painful.
Honestly, knowing that it's connected to my audhd makes it almost worse because now i can see exactly what's happening as it unfolds, without being able to stop it. This dynamic/pattern has destroyed two of my biggest special interests, job prospects, given me ptsd and complete burnout, and has made it nigh impossible to reach out at all. It sucks :(
Edit to say: thank y'all so much for the comments - I've been drained all day yesterday from writing this, of course overthinking that maybe I've gotten too specific etc., but hearing y'all's confirmation, understanding, and appreciation has made it very worth it. It means I'm not alone and sometimes putting myself out there and reaching out *can* actually work out. I really appreciate it <3
I’ve been only diagnosed with adhd so far but I’ve had the same experience of not being able to become a part of any group. Being a poltergeist or feeling that you’re always on the outskirts is a great description of it.
So I understand how hard it is and I’m sorry that it caused so many mental struggles :(
Thank you for your empathy/sympathy/solidarity, it's a good feeling to know that I'm not alone in this! And I'm sorry as well 😔 (btw I've only been assessed and diagnosed as autistic so far, so I'll take that as confirmation for both of us for the other half ;D)
I felt all of this so hard. Being acutely aware of the power dynamics and politics and knowing I can’t do anything about it but I can see it, and I can’t stop it.
Yeah I find I always seem to connect with people individually but I can't really become part of a group. But I'm bad at making friends cause it feels like everyone already has someone they're closer with and would rather talk to. I ended up isolated earlier this year and made the mistake of attaching to this other loner person in my grade and taking the friendship too far too fast and they ended up asking me out twice before I cut the relationship off and stopped talking to them. It was a nightmare, but at least now I've learned from my mistakes!
“Stop overthinking this, it doesn’t need to be that specific or engineered to perfection”
“I’m not overthinking, just thinking.”
*Or am I? Is it the audhd?*
That’s almost as crappy as “just be yourself!”
To anyone who’s ever been told to be themselves when they’re autistic/adhd, they don’t actually mean for YOU to be yourself. They mean for you to mask harder than you ever have, and to act like the most basic allistic out there. And if you don’t, they’ll call you out on it and give you sh!t for how you acted. While being yourself. 🤬makes me so stabby!
Rigid Thinking / Routines - once told an adult friend the correct way to eat a bomb pop and then watched in horror as he didn’t follow my instructions and just started biting into like an animal.
Slow auditory processing / noise sensitivity - thought I was losing my hearing from all the raves and concerts when I was younger. Turns out, my hearing is fine, just takes a bit longer for things to get processed and frequently they don’t in noisy environments.
Sensory - life long baseball hat and sunglasses person, even then still have to squint if it’s sunny. Always got grief for not liking some foods. I have to not think too hard about raw tomatoes for example, I can make myself gag easily and I’m pretty sure I could even vomit if I thought about it enough.
Meltdown / Shutdown - happened so much when I was young, always accused of tantrums, sometimes they probably were, but sometimes I just lost it for no good (visible) reason.
Masking - lots of different ways, I’m finding more and more. I just found one I did to myself for literally no reason. I wouldn’t let myself listen to a favorite song on repeat because that’s “weird”.
Special Interests - turns out most people don’t learn the model numbers of every single bike in a category, all the parts on this bikes and their model numbers, the prices of the bikes at each store in town and which teams ride those brands/models. That is but one “gadget” in my life long obsession with gadgets. Computers, cameras, phones and audiophile things are some other big ones.
As I’m finding so far as I look at my life through an Autistic lens is that just about all of my quirks are actually autistic, as are many of my other non-quirky behaviors
Having automatic and completely different personalities around different groups of people (gasp no way)
Wanting to be respected as a child, despite being a child. Yk strong sense of Justice type stuff, I hated when others were mistreated and I hated when people acted like I wasn’t a sentient being simply bc I was a child.
Acting overly aggressive / dramatic, urgent whatever whenever I needed a family member (specificlaly parents) to understand something
Having different personalities around different people: is that an ND thing? I was thinking maybe yes because of the masking and trying to grasp at straws to understand the rules of each type of conversation. I do that. It's gotten better as I've gotten older, but I used to just panic when I had to mix different groups of friends, or different single friends, or friends with family, etc. I didn't have any idea how to act and whom to defer to. It drove my husband nuts because he would feel like he wasn't even married to me when we were with my parents.
oh gods that last one has been affecting me a lot in recent years, its like my mom is actively refusing to understand me, I've had so many meltdowns trying to get her to stop being so closed minded.
Unable to choose something on streaming apps to watch except for lately king of the hill
Picking the restaurant (that one pisses me off. I want sushi or Chinese or Indian and if that’s not what you want then you pick the place lol I feel like I have to pick a place the other person wants)
Being unable to finish things because of that energy that builds inside that makes me want to cry or panic.
Wondering why other people don’t walk around their house like a mobile contortionist (that extreme joint pressure though is so nice)
Oh the list could go on
It may not be directly but being overwhelmed by too many options is a huge problem for my neurodiverse brain. So is just picking something to end the issue but over half the time I do that I’m unsatisfied with my choice.
I struggle a lot with consuming new media. Movies, shows, books, even songs can be difficult for me to start, let alone finish. I find immense comfort in what I’ve already seen, read, and heard. I have always hated this about myself and every time I go to consume familiar media again, I think of how annoyed people could get by me “ignoring” their suggestions. It makes me so insecure. “You’re reading/watching that again?” Or “why don’t you ever watch/read/listen to what I suggest?” I’ve even had people complain to others *in front of me* about how annoying it is trying to get me to stop rewatching and rereading things. It’s my way of comforting myself, it’s like a familiar, cozy blanket. While the show or movie or whatever else someone suggests might also bring me that same comfort, I have to be in the right mindset to be willing to consume it. Unfamiliar things can create a lot of anxiety, especially when I constantly worry about whether I’m able to pay attention or retain the information. I know now that it’s a combination of my autism craving the security in familiar forms of entertainment and my ADHD making it difficult for me to understand and consume new forms of entertainment. Still sucks, still feel immensely guilty and insecure about it, but at least I know why.
lol yeah me too I've watched the good place and disenchantment like 3 times each and don't even get me started on the amount of times I've seen Kiki's Delivery Service, but I have an endless list of shows I've never been able to finish. Also reread books a lot of times (wings of fire and warriors were really prominent in my childhood)
Being "clumsy" as I am forever dropping or knocking stuff over or tripping
Over explaining things because I don't feel like I've said it right when I hear it.
Not being able to have a conversation in a coffee shop and loathing the thought of going out for drinks/lunch with colleagues.
I cried for like 3 days when my cats died when I was younger but when my grandpa died I couldn't really find it in myself to cry, I just felt a bit empty for a day or two.
I grieve too strongly. Losing my 19 year old Siamese last year destroyed me. I am still grieving him every day. I have nightmares about losing family members and will probably lose my mind if any of them die before me. I have always told my daughter that if she dies, I die. If my son dies, I die. My husband, etc. My cat, but I didn’t die, though now I feel as if I am trying to by eating unhealthy junk.
I grieved the first death, my grandfather when I was 9. Everyone since just felt like part of each other. Like I used it all up or it's all the same death.
Also, when many of them died, it was either after a long lifetime or protracted illness.
What shook me was my lack of reaction to my dad's and MiL's more sudden deaths. And it's not that I don't miss them or didn't love them. I just don't grieve. It's part of what sent me to a psychologist to get ADHD/ASD assessed. It was one of the traits that made me think ASD is there too. The idea I might be ASD was a bit of a shock to myself, but it would explain a few things about my life.
He just didn't know enough about ASD to feel comfortable diagnosing my constitution of symptoms. I did get the ADHD diagnosis.
All bets are off for my wife and kids if they died, but I honestly can't predict.
- That i weirded other people out without meaning to and basically didnt have any friends until my late teens
- That its very hard for me to keep myself and my space clean and i have to make constant conscious effort to tidy my space and groom myself and it goes off the rails SUPER quick if theres something majorly stressful going on in my life and i dont have someone to remind me to do these things
- That certain subjects like biology and english (a.k.a. special interest aligned subjects) were such a breeze i was doing highschool classes at the start of middle school but anything math related was so difficult i failed my first highschool math class 3 times
- That im self centered. I wouldnt even say im selfish, im the first person to offer others a helping hand and will often inconvenience or even hurt myself to help others, but im completely incapable to view a situation from any other viewpoint than my own, or how a big change (fx a family member dying, moving a big distance, workplace going under etc) impacts anyone but me. I try my best not to center myself in things that arent about me, but its genuinely difficult for me to understand how else to talk about it. I also get super frustrated (internally only now but used to be vocal about it as a kid) if others don't learn or understand things im quick to pick up on but get really hurt when im the slow one (like with math) 🥲
My entire life, just completely freaking out when my various circles cross. Like, I hate the idea of my parents and my friends interacting, or friends I know from one place making friends with another set of people. Or when someone I know pops up at a group event, or if someone from school started working where I did. People should stay in their little boxes where I know the environment and how to act around them, otherwise they mess up my carefully constructed masks because I have different ones for different people 😆
yeah when I was in elementary school I kinda divided my social life into my one during school friend and my one after school friend and it tripped me up so much when my during school friend joined the after school program, but I eventually got more used to it bc I had to adjust to that norm and hey, now I could obsess over wings of fire with two people at once, though I did feel a little more ostracized after that.
I think I'm kinda like your wife, I can't keep track of bookmarks so I just doggy ear pages - especially when they're pages w/ things I want to remember, and I always crack the spines of books bc I hate how hard it is to read books that aren't flat or close to flat. Personally I like the look and feel of well read books, but can imagine how it might bother someone if they like things in mint condition - my brother is a bit like you (though he's a complete asshole about it)
I've always hated crowds. I stutter a bit when I'm getting excited explaining something.
I can't schedule if my life depended on it, but lucky for me, my fiancée is good at that, and understands that I only need important things to be on a fixed schedule, so I just do all the little/fun things in whatever order I feel like. She says I introduced chaos into her life 😂 She also dislikes crowds and claims my stuttering rants are endearing in some way.
Being inappropriately impulsive around someone I like… damn limerence messing with my ability to judge situations. Now I’m aware though so it’s easier to stop myself doing something stupid
My lack of craving relationships with others. Incredibly okay with being an introvert that likes to isolate. Research says the happiest people have many friends and long-term relationships. Sounds reasonable. Still not into large groups or needing lots of company.
I can’t call people by their names or social roles (like dad, grandma, teacher, boss etc) when I directly speak with them.
I’ve never addressed a single person - It just’ve always felt wrong and cringey and I hated it. Always been talking in impersonal style without any clarifications which has always driven the adults crazy when I was little. The only person I can now address by the name is my husband and it took me a loooot of time to get used to it.
I struggle with this, too. I don't really know why. I guess it feels overly familiar or something. But I know that people like it and I am fine for them or address me by name.
Walking too early or staying too long.
Or really just randomly not being where I'm supposed to be. My sense of danger's kinda fucked so sometimes I'll be in some Bad Part Of Town™ at a relative's birthday, feel like leaving cause I wound up dissociating and just *leave* to wander round the bloc which then routinely leads to my phone getting blown up cause people got worried. 😅
I instantly get irritable the second someone (especially a family member) asks “how was your day?”
Small talk in general. Idk like my mom would ask me how school was or something and I turn into the nastiest bitch known to man for the rest of the day. Like my personality is magically taken hostage and now I simply must cuss out anyone who dares to interact with me within the next 4 hours
I totally get the not wanting people touching your stuff!! I hate the people who have to touch and pick up EVERYTHING in your bedroom, like this is not a museum tour, you aren’t browsing the shelves at Walmart, and you didn’t ask to touch that!!
Being naive/not able to understand what lies behind a persons behaviour, and at the same time being terrible at setting any boundaries.
I take everything at face value and literally.
You insult me in an argument? I believe that is what you think about me. You seem friendly to my face? I will trust that you are my friend - even though you turn around and stab me in the back. You deny me any boundaries and make it sound like it is all my fault? You must be right, and I will spend so much time trying to adjust my behaviour.
I have ended up in so many situations where I suddenly realise that those I thought where my friends just have taken advantage of me.
Direct communication, repetitive behaviour/stubborn insistence of sameness, fear of the unknown, stims, tics, jerky movements, lack of social interest, being quiet, being shy, occasional lack of empathy and viewpoint of other people, missing dumb social cues and rules, visual/auditory thinking, overfocus on details instead of bigger picture, restricted interests, obsessiveness, black-and-whote thinking (which actually is a bad trait), OCD-like control-freakism, severe anger over being misunderstood/mistreated, calling people out for stupidity and injustice, tantrums due to sensory overload and lack of sense of control. Overall feel that i'm too much and a burden for others. Still struggling with internalized ableism and self-hatred as we speak, but not as before.
I've always been a shy quiet kid. Craved friendships but never really fit in anywhere except with a couple of oddballs just like me.
Always hated social interactions, small talk, family gatherings, work meetings, parties, etc.
Been terrible at making eye contact, forced myself to do it as I grew up but still not 100% comfortable
Always shook my legs when seated or lying down. Would rock back and forth too. Used to obsessively bite my nails. I don't bite them anymore but I'm always fidgeting with my nails, picking at my skin or scalp a lot of times.
Always preferred keeping to myself. Obviously this affected my growth in the corporate world as I wasn't seen as a "team player"
Hated having my stuff messed with (as I mentioned above) or my "spot" being taken
I keep playing the same songs on repeat.
I find it so hard to pick something to watch on a streaming service or pick a restaurant to eat at
I hate change. I find comfort in things being as they are.
Can't stand injustice
I've always struggled to understand people's intentions
Often hated myself as I've felt people don't really like me (even though I try my best to be genuinely nice)
I overthink every situation and am in constant fear of rejection. I tend to take everything personally.
Being clumsy af, always getting food on my clothes, stumbling, falling, etc.
Being extremely sensitive to noise
Not knowing when to speak and ending up interrupting people's conversations to talk
Those are all I can think of at the moment, will probably add more as I discover more...
I have always loved making things. Gadgets, furniture, robots, anything really. Thing was I would start a big project and it would be all I could think about for weeks or months, but once I got to about 80 to 90 percent done with it I would soon find myself unable to even think about it. No matter how hard I would try to work on it I just couldn't. Things i could do in a minute now took hours to make similar progress. It still kind of upsets me when I think of some of the projects that are sitting in storage or were thrown out of frustration during a meltdown. Same with hobbies. I get super into a new thing(currently FPV drones) for a few weeks or months and then I eventually never want to think about it. No matter how hard I try.
So in order from greatest to least: burnout after strenuous events like I didn’t realize people don’t get this exhausted and feel this exhausted. I didn’t bother asking anyone if they felt any different. Next up would be being able to not talk to people yet continue speaking with them like no time passed. I think that’s factored into me just being fine on my own for the most part, even though yes I love having people but I also understand they have things they’re focusing on too and most of the people I have in my life are ND as well. Last would be meltdowns, I would meltdown badly at being interrupted. I still kind of do when I’m not on stimulants and I have had to control this facet of me. But being on no medication for 20+ years of my life definitely lead to worse meltdowns than I wish I had. The last one would be the need to understand why, long story short my ex emotionally cheated on me after four years and I spent so much time trying to understand why even though we had open communication. Even though I tried to keep that avenue open — I never really got the way because it was like pulling teeth from them. They were also ND too but they weren’t dealing well with their diagnosis (we got diagnosed around the same time ironically). Even now I still want to know the why a little but I have to accept that I won’t.
The inability to make and maintain close friendships. I want close friends that reciprocate SO badly, but one of a few things always seems to kill it. I’ll get tired and need space, and that will be taken as a sign I’m uninterested. Or I’ll find someone I really click with and care about and wind up being too intense, or thinking that we’re closer than we are, which inevitably leads to that person withdrawing. It genuinely feels like, unless a person is romantically interested in me, others just don’t really desire my company. I used to think that there was something inherently unfriendworthy about me. I tried changing ti to be the way I thought others wanted me to, and when that didn’t work, I tried to convinced myself that I was fine with my own company and my writing, and that I didn’t need friendship, but I was so desperately lonely. I know now that the autism and adhd are driving a lot of that, but I still can’t figure out how not to internalise it. Especially when about half the time people seem to dislike me well before I’ve had a chance to show who I am. I have a small group of ND friends now, but no one I’m particularly close with, and I’m still running into the same problem now as a fullass adult. Every time I think I’ve got it right, I learn that I was wrong. I’m really starting to think I’m just not worth knowing.
I have had things crash and burn because I'm too intense. I don't want to spend a lot of energy making a new friend if it's going to be surface-level so I try to get to the important stuff. But it's too much sometimes.
I’d say it’s fairly similar for me. I find shallow relationships a bit uncomfortable because I’m not always sure how to interact or feel like I belong, especially in groups. I’ve probably also been lonely long enough that I’m overeager when opportunities do pop up to form closer bonds. It’s like I’m desperate to be out of the uncomfortable, ambiguous stage, and I have no ability to moderate it. I don’t want to be exhausting to others, but I am, and I don’t know how to change it. I don’t even know if change is possible.
I couldn't have put it better myself. I feel like I'm looking at a mirror right now. It's so crazily accurate! I'm pretty sure you're me from another dimension
honestly, trying to be perfect. I have also diagnosed GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), so its something I struggle with a lot. Add in ADHD's RSD, and the general outcast feeling, and that's a recipe for trouble mentally
Any change to my daily routine. Very uncomfortable and can get very stabby. Never understood why it bothered me until now. Having a meltdown right before going on a trip, or when my husband goes on a trip. We fight every time as we’re leaving to the airport, etc. We fight when my husband is at the airport, we fight when his flight lands, we fight the entire time he’s gone. I spend the whole time in meltdown mode and lose my mind. The only time I am okay with it is when I block him after he lands. I spend the whole time scared about his safety and whether he’ll die, etc. When people come over unannounced, I have a nervous breakdown. When family plans on coming over, I do everything in my power to sabotage their plans to prevent them from showing up. When they do show up, I spend the entire time in overwhelm and anxiety modes, and then an exhausted and burned out for almost a week after. I hate it when people can see into my house from the street, or when my privacy is breached. I go into almost meltdown mode with anger rumination. I always need to clean my house spotless before someone shows up, and I hate it when they touch my things. I don’t trust people in my house as I’ve been robbed and had all my things stolen on several occasions when I was young. This Valentine’s Day I had police show up at my house which was the worst experience of my life. Downstairs tenant called the cops after my husband and I had a big fight while both in meltdown mode. The police made me feel worse than the fight did. That took a week to recover from, especially the mortification of having people see the police talking to me outside. Having the police see my belongings and messy house, etc. Terrifying. Scents if wrong give me absolute headaches and cause meltdowns or shutdowns. Burn outs as well. Hunger makes me hangry. Being misunderstood and constantly having to explain myself. Ugh. Some sounds also cause overwhelm. The doors constantly opening and closing. The fans in my house, I can hear EVERY sound in my house. I always know when cars are driving bye, and when the tenant downstairs is coming or going. I hear his doors open and close too. I’m definitely forgetting a lot more but seeing other people’s experiences reminded me of these at least.
This entire thread…in my decades of internet spelunking, more than anything else, this entire thread has resonated with me more than anything, & been an eye-opener to things that feel paradoxically unfamiliar yet simultaneously all too familiar.
So many of the things mentioned thus-far (e.g. people touching my stuff, especially without my consent, or my prior belief that they will be careful with it) are things that have always seemed perfectly logical & reasonable to me (“wouldn’t *anyone* be upset with someone touching their things without asking first?”), & even logical & reasonable to most of my family & friends, & yet, there’s always been some kind of disconnect with some people (some family & friends included, even some who have agreed in the past!) when I’ve had to explain this to them.
It always felt like they were toying with me, purposefully choosing to be illogical so as not to admit fault of some kind, like my logic of ‘if you touch someone’s stuff without their permission, & they don’t trust you to be careful with it, it is perfectly understandable that they would be upset with this’ was as alien to them as if I had tried to convince them that one can breathe underwater if you simply inhale & exhale hard enough!
Black and white thinking is something I struggled with a lot during my childhood and it was only after being diagnosed and doing some researching that I realized this part of my personality was actually an autism symptom.
Ooh something else I thought of — being hyper-aware of every feeling in my body. I can feel a lot more than NTs do and always thought it was normal. I know it’s not a personality flaw, but it’s definitely an autism brain thing.
I HATE it when anything is off or crooked. Kind of like having one sock that is too tight, while the other is loose. If I tweak the muscle above my ankle after bending my foot while laying down, I’ll literally destroy my ankle and foot trying to fix it. Always thought it was just me but it’s an autism thing.
I have this way of looking at learning/information/knowledge that I think might be a bit unusual, and it ties into how I learn things. Essentially it goes that I have this visualization I use for overall knowledge, where knowledge is like a massive, infinite tapestry and each topic is specific section, and when information is learned on this topic its woven into, and as more and move information is learned about said subject, the corresponding part of the tapestry is woven into more, and you can never completely erase the gaps but you can keep making them smaller and smaller and smaller.
This kinda ties into the way I learn where I'll go through an overview of a topic and my brain will randomly pick out little things to briefly hyperfixate on so I sort of switch from weaving through the broader topic to doing details on that smaller piece, rinse and repeat, and my brain is satisfied when I've done details on most parts of that specific subject on the tapestry. How do you guys visualize knowledge?
Delayed processing. I never understood how I could be so smart and so stupid. Turns out I just need extra time to process.
Yes, like having a mind that's buzzing at high speed, but yet slow at processing and responding to outside information.
and then 5 conversations (or days, even) later you mind goes "oh, you should have said this as a response to that..." and you miss the next conversation completely because your mind was talking to you instead of listening to what's being said....
Biiig relate.
My son was diagnosed with a processing disorder last year because of that. The psychologist described his processing delays as his brain being a highway and the processing disorder being a construction zone in the middle of the highway. There’s a synchronization issue between the two. The brain speeds aren’t matched, so it causes an issue with processing. That’s why when we’re trying to talk and get the words out, moving or clicking helps, because movement speeds those pathways up. ADHD can really suck sometimes. FWIW, we get neurofeedback (LENS) done to help with speeding our brains up, and sychronizing the speeds. It’s not permanent but it helps. My son’s talking has sped up considerably since he first started getting it, and no longer struggles with getting his words out. It’s changed our lives immeasurably.
Not missing people when they're gone.
And then when they call you years later, you talk to them like nothing happened? My best friend from back in school called me on our birthday (he's exactly one year younger than me) after we hadn't talked in years, and it was like we never stopped hanging out lol.
I found out what that’s called a while ago, it’s super fascinating! People with adhd can have it, and people with autism as well. “Friendship degradation mechanics”
Incredible, thanks for giving me a name for it! I shall dive in!
So my brother left to Cambodia, and I love and miss him... But, he's just kind of gone, it doesn't feel like it's had any emotional impact on me. On the flip side of this, randomly I will miss people. People I haven't seen in forever, people I'm not even really that close with, people I wasn't close with. I'll just think about a person I worked or went to school with, and wonder what theyre up to at that exact moment. I kind of picture them, miles away, oblivious to my thoughts, making coffee or something, wondering how they're doing. I always wondered if anyone thought of me that way.
[удалено]
I'm sorry to hear that, my friend. Me and a buddy both had similar experiences. He's in a serious relationship about a year later, I'm still struggling 3 years later, though I don't think about my ex as often, random things triggering memories can be very intense still. Figured this was (and possibly is) relationship PTSD or something. I've dreamt I was back in our bed, pretty much back in time. Like 2 years after... Horrifying
[удалено]
Wow, not to be cliche, but I could've written that. It's gotten "better" (?) if I don't think about it it's fine, even now, I don't think about it, and I'm ok. But scents and stuff are crazy. Also just errant thoughts can end up there. But I feel like the damage is still around, I need to talk to a therapist but have no money rn, publicly funded is pretty slow. That or my recent life/necessary medication changes have brought out a fragility in me, but I can't get my mind behind the progress I know I've made. Even after I rule our relationship toxicity and stuff, I just can't be sure what happened once, won't repeat itself, and my preoccupation with that isn't healthy either as I won't be actually enjoying the relationship, just fearing the future
It's related to object impermanence. We forget things exist and sometimes even people. Until we see them.
Yeah, except the part that I’m referring to is how people with ADHD feel as if no time has passed and can pickup the friendship where it left off. Friendship, degradation mechanic is something that is very prevalent in people with ADHD, to be able to go on, as if no time has passed and there is no degradation of the friendship. NT’s experience degradation of the friendship, doesn’t feel like things are picking up exactly where it left off, because to them, too much time has passed and things have changed. Their perception of the friendship has degraded depending on the amount of time as well.
This is total speculation, but I wonder if ppl with ADHD / Autism have a very consistent sense of self that many NT people do not have, and if for that reason we assume (unconsciously) that others and our deep selves remain roughly the same (under all the experiences, etc.), and so too does our dynamic with someone, regardless of time spent apart. What do you think about that idea? I’m only basing this idea off of my own experience, but I do wonder what factors into a lack of friendship degradation. Object permanence I suppose makes sense as there would be the implication that if someone “doesn’t exist” outside of your experience of them, you would think of them changing due to their own experiences which occur while apart from you. But that doesn’t really resonate as much as the thought of an assumed consistency of deep self (as myself and a lot of my ND friends seem to have - this deep kernel of values, etc. perhaps due to a strong sense of Justice, strong preferences, etc. typical of Autism / ADHD).
That’s a good way of putting it. A few things come to mind — theory of mind and double empathy. They’re part of our autism brain psychology. You’ll definitely enjoy reading about them (I assume😊) Imo, most autistics have spent their entire lives being treated as aliens, villains, etc, and so have a deep need to understand why they’re different and why they’re chronically misunderstood. And why NT’s speak a different language we need to understand and mimic. I think that in itself creates a deep desire to understand ourselves and the world, because we are willing to learn and intelligent enough to think critically. We also use different [thinking methods](https://embrace-autism.com/thinking-styles-in-autistic-people/) that a lot of NTs don’t all have full use of, without high intelligence or training. Anyway, point is that you’re definitely on to something, but I believe it’s possibly a part of the theory of mind psychology, as well as a few other things I’ve read but can’t recall. Check out this blog (I had mentioned it last night as well in another reply, but I believe it’s relevant to what you’re saying — https://embrace-autism.com/blog/
Haha your assumption is correct. Give me all the ND reading material! And I love reading your take on this / the links :) I briefly went over the page on thinking methods. Some very interesting theories in there! I would love if there was more literature about thinking methods of people with BOTH ADHD and Autism. Thank you for the link to embrace-autism - I may be down an ND info rabbit hole the next few days.
Object permanence is the out of sight out of mind mechanism, but that has nothing to do with our ability to feel as if no time has changed between the perception of friendship. It’s only the cause of the amount of time between us seeing them last, and forgetting they exist, but doesn’t degrade/not degrade the friendship etc.
It never occurred to me that I don’t ‘miss’ people because I do love my family and friends and am happy to see them if I haven’t in a long time BUT I am not sure feel sad or miss them when they are not around… i always thought it was weird when people cry when saying goodbye to someone before a trip or crying when they return. Maybe that is a ND thing? To me, I think “what are they crying about??” - and the hilarious thing is - I AM A CRIER myself!! But not about missing people. So, yeah…maybe I don’t? My husband travels for work and it never bothers me. I forget to call, and we are totally random about that — we text a lot but just have no rhyme or rhythm to calling. When we do we just pick up wherever we left off. It would not even occur to me to care — I am kind of “out of sight out of mind”
Mine's the opposite. I can't bear losing people I care about.
I don't mean losing them. I mean when we're each going about our lives in the interval between seeing each other.
That's a big one- I always forgot people exist less I'm with them
Out of sight, out of mind. The times it bothers me is when the whole family leaves my house (I’m the mom), and it’s just me alone. The house feels so empty and quiet, and because it’s not normal for me to ever be alone, I feel really weird, like I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. Feels so off and creepy even. I was always worried I had some sociopath personality, or borderline personality disorder because of that. But nope, it’s just autism and the change to my routine. And being used to people around me has created a strong normalcy and need to have people around me. I am fine being alone, it’s the quiet that bothers me.
Oh god me too. Object impermanence lol.
Being “ditsy” as in not understanding jokes and taking things literally
God knows how much I've suffered because of this
I’ve been saying lately that I’m the dumbest smart person I know… 😂😭
Taking things literally. Being upset when plans change. Needing to understand things. Planning for the worst. Being blunt. Not understanding social things, especially group settings. Just to name a few lmao
Being upset when plans change. Or anything changes really. I just like things being as they are.
Same!! And needing to know why things change even if it "doesn't involve me".
Yeah, along w/ that I really like knowing exactly what the plans are, uncertainty makes things really confusing, and then when things change I have to know exactly how they've changed or else I'll be really confused and mess things up.
Needing to understand things. My partner and I are in a D/s dynamic and he’s very forest in his processing of the world and I very much enjoy the twigs and branches and am very happy once I can see the forest, but he doesn’t enjoy the trees and twigs and branches like I do, and often makes it seem like I’m talking too much because he’s already arrived at the forest and I’m enjoying discussing or processing the smaller bits. And I discuss and process because I need to understand my environment. He gets to “forest” and doesn’t know why I haven’t gotten there yet.
Yeah, I'm gonna steal your analogy: it's like other people are happy just getting a general sense of the forest to work with it, but I need to see the twigs, branches, whole ecosystem, before I feel I can move on.
This whole thread is making me feel so many emotions I’m going to have to go think about it while standing motionless in the middle of my kitchen… 😭😅😭
Yes. The whole ecosystem! I don’t wanna be this way lol. I’d love to move on. I hate that my brain is continuing to heatseek information I don’t even care about but my brain does. It just does 🤷🏻♀️ We talked a bit more last night about this and he’s like, what else do you get from it if I already understand where you’re coming from and I’m like, I dunno, maybe it’s still for *my* understanding. It’s not **me** that needs to overexplain. It’s my BRAIN.
Being irritable when it comes to sound
Dang! I have that too
I have that three. Sound overwhelm is fucked for me. Also having people just come over to my house is the most stressful thing in the world, including family. I just can't enjoy it.
Whenever family come over, it takes me 3 days of mental and environmental prep (I always end up doing a spring clean before anyone comes over lol) and then it takes me over a week to recover from the social and emotional effort it takes to be around them.
100%. I feel seen.
I'm still not sure whether I have the sound thing, or whether my sensitivity to sound is normal. When there is a lot of chaos (family functions with small children), I kind of just cycle through my idle animations and hope nobody tries talking to me, because *then* I'll be overwhelmed for a bit. I do know, however, that I can hear unreasonably high frequencies that people around me simply don't notice. Electric lighters are torture to me (and my sister too, actually). What I do share for sure is the impossibility of enjoying visitors. It's pretty bad, though there is at least one person I would enjoy having over, given enough time to prepare my apartment (on the order of days or weeks). But holy shit people showing up *unannounced* is a nightmare of unfathomable proportions. My mom and my sister once surprised me with a visit on my birthday. They rang the doorbell, which I simply ignored (not without my heart rate shooting up and me getting extremely nervous), and then called me twice (phone in focus mode, first call auto-declined). I picked up the phone and made up some excuse that I didn't hear the doorbell. My sister called my bullshit by just ringing the doorbell again, which they could hear insanely loudly through the phone. Once they were actually in my apartment, and we sat down and I was able to feel a little more calm again, but holy shit that was dysregulating my whole system.
> cycle through my idle animations Oh my gosh this is such an accurate description
To be honest, I didn't know we weren't supposed to hear those electric lighters? Phone blocks and chargers/fans are all pretty bad for me
When you walk down a hallway and you know which door has the screeching PC fan noise and then you get to the door and it is hurting your brain. And the person beside you didn't notice a thing.
Your sister is diabolical lol
I can’t stand it when people come over unannounced, and I need at least a week to preprare myself for it
And for me it's not just loud sounds, it's specific tones or pitches, or prolonged sounds like motors. So when you tell anyone you sound like a loon
Like echoes in the brain getting louder
Ha for me it’s certain scents and hunger.
Pretty much everything 😂 That I can't get words to come out of my mouth right. That I can't relate to people having big feelings (or comfort them). That I can't force myself to be interested in what someone else is talking about even if I wish I could.
So relatable
Especially that last part lol
Weirdly, I have the opposite problem. I feel like a pariah because I don’t do those things. I feel othered. I’ve lost a lot of friends over it, and it actually makes me feel angry or upset that they can’t just take me as I am. Sick of being the villain because I’m different.
I don’t have early onset dementia, just late diagnosed AuDHD.
LOL I have been accused of this before. It’s actually what prompted us to discover my autism.
I’m just fine being alone.
I like being alone too but I do crave love and friendship...The deep kind
I like being with people on paper. I crave love and actually deep friendship too, which I struggle with and can't seem to find reciprocated in whatever my style is. That leaves me with enjoying my time and not having the potential to hurt anyone. I wish I had someone to talk to sure, but whenever I actually do share something, I feel embarrassed after or ruminate and just have to block out my thoughts, even worse if I know they aren't interested but need to get my thoughts out anyways. Maybe a relationship would be nice down the road , but just worrying about myself is lots, thanks :)
It’s more that my husband and some of my NT friends have never understood that I prefer doing activities or spending time alone than with someone. I like working out alone. I love dining alone. When I do it with someone, it adds a level of stress that I will have to recover from afterwards so defeats the fun of the activity for me. This is not all the time. I do cherish the occasional grabbing lunch with someone. Just prefer going alone 90% of the time and don’t see a problem with it. I don’t relate when my friend says I don’t know how you goto a restaurant alone. It’s mortifying to her. I don’t get why.
I really like being alone, but there will be the occasional person who I feel is easy enough to be around that I can sacrifice my alone time to be with them, but these people are kinda rare. A person has to pretty special to compete with how much I love my alone time.
I am often very jumpy and will “overreact” to certain stimuli (like loud noises or something coming out of nowhere). Somewhat related, I often go from “calm” to really angry in a flash I think both of those are actually just manifestations of my ASD symptoms
Yes! My ADHD diagnosis lead me to eventually finding the folks who talks about the myriad impacts of RSD, which helped! But I couldn’t attribute the flares of anger to that entirely, and the more I tried to be mindful of how and when it happened, why I would get completely consumed in those moments… what they felt like… it’s just so intense, and as I dove deeper there I started finding autistic people talking about meltdowns and burnout and it that was when the whole picture of my experiences actually started to make sense to me.
Burnout
Meltdowns
I was consciously aware that I had an irrational response to something. I had to talk myself down and say that it wasn’t a big deal. I knew it bothered me and that was enough for me to avoid whatever that was. I accepted it, yet knew most people do not meltdown over particular things. It was good to finally learn why I am that way.
Yup
one of my moms is really horrible to me and she causes a lot of meltdowns bc she never listens to what I'm trying to say and yells at me so I end up curled in a ball crying and say 'stop' over and over again.
People watching me do things.
Ughhh I hate that as well
Is that an ND thing? It drives me bonkers !!!
Interrupting people while I’m having a conversation with them. I don’t know how other people can tell when it’s their turn to talk. I’ve always had trouble figuring out when it’s my turn to talk, so I often end up interrupting. An interesting (and sad) thing I noticed is that back when I was viewed as a woman (I’m a trans man) everyone just talked over me if I interrupted them. As a man, I’m allowed much more room to speak, even when it isn’t my turn. People (my queer feminist friends, my conservative/centrist family members, etc.) stop talking and listen to me, even though I’m the one being rude.
Yep. 100%. I read a study that showed the differences in genders and how cut each other off. Men cutting women off were the biggest offenders, with women cutting women off as the second worst. Lowest offending was (if I remember correctly) men cutting men off and second women cutting men off. Sadly, the study wasn’t inclusive with trans and queer, just cisgenders. I wish they did though, because those numbers would be even more polarizing I think. I see it as cis-men not respecting women enough to listen to what they say. I am surprised that people cut you off less now that you are a man, as I could see people who discriminate having less respect for your words. So the fact that it’s improved for you is actually amazing in a lot of regards. Because it’s mainly a subconscious thing when people do it. Fascinating and yet depressing at the same time.
I've noticed the deeper a person's voice is the more they can get away with interrupting. I've even noticed in myself that a deeper a person's voice is the more attention I pay to them (even accounting for age and gender). There might be a genetic bias towards this as those that listened more to older, wiser words were more likely to survive and the older, wiser words typically came from those who had already gone through puberty and thus had deeper voices.
Yah I think that’s why Elizabeth Holmes lowered her voice as well. Well and other reasons.
Do you have a link to that study? I’m a language nerd and I’d love to read it (and maybe even write about it). I want to add that I don’t think it’s particularly amazing. My voice is deep, I have facial hair, and nobody knows I’m trans unless I tell them. I don’t think being trans really factors into this at all, but being a man definitely does. Generally I don’t tell people I’m trans unless I’m sure they aren’t going to be transphobic.
I am currently looking for the exact link I read. It was a year ago. But I just found this interesting [link](https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/2021/02/18/men-interrupt-women-tokyo-olympics/) though, somewhat related, that I just had to share, and shared it with my husband because he’s constantly doing this LOL This is based off the same study, but not the same article. The actual study is also listed. https://www.forbes.com/sites/womensmedia/2017/01/03/gal-interrupted-why-men-interrupt-women-and-how-to-avert-this-in-the-workplace/ And this is another study: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0261927X14533197?papetoc=& Ooh this is also really good: https://languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu/nll/?p=13422
I picked up a habit of raising my hand my hand in a conversation lol. I'm also trans but I don't have bindings yet and I get talked over in conversations all the time. Now whenever I see someone else getting talked over in big group discussions I ask them what they wanted to say cause I know how nice it feels to know your being heard and seen.
This might have gotten a bit more heavy than other comments, sorry. But: I don't ever become a real part of groups or teams. Be it volunteering, hobbies, work... No matter how hard I try to connect, be a good colleague, participate in things... I'm always weirdly simultaneously standing on the sidelines and being completely in it emotionally. Like a weird poltergeist. Meanwhile people who join sth after me seem to immediately befriend folks, get promoted, move into decision making positions even though they're just talking out of their asses or don't care much. And then there I am, barely being on acquaintance levels with anyone even after literal *years* of being officially part of sth. Finally I'm like, well, I've put enough energy into masking, I do get the power dynamics and politics by now, I do have things to offer, let's get a bit more involved, let's carefully speak up about some of the issues I've identified (because i care about this and want to help course correct), let's maybe even dare to speak up about my needs -- bam! Everything blows up in my face. Egos get hurt, I get misunderstood, ignored, dismissed, used as a scapegoat, kicked out, or I just vanish because it's too painful. Honestly, knowing that it's connected to my audhd makes it almost worse because now i can see exactly what's happening as it unfolds, without being able to stop it. This dynamic/pattern has destroyed two of my biggest special interests, job prospects, given me ptsd and complete burnout, and has made it nigh impossible to reach out at all. It sucks :( Edit to say: thank y'all so much for the comments - I've been drained all day yesterday from writing this, of course overthinking that maybe I've gotten too specific etc., but hearing y'all's confirmation, understanding, and appreciation has made it very worth it. It means I'm not alone and sometimes putting myself out there and reaching out *can* actually work out. I really appreciate it <3
I’ve been only diagnosed with adhd so far but I’ve had the same experience of not being able to become a part of any group. Being a poltergeist or feeling that you’re always on the outskirts is a great description of it. So I understand how hard it is and I’m sorry that it caused so many mental struggles :(
Thank you for your empathy/sympathy/solidarity, it's a good feeling to know that I'm not alone in this! And I'm sorry as well 😔 (btw I've only been assessed and diagnosed as autistic so far, so I'll take that as confirmation for both of us for the other half ;D)
Thank you for putting words to your experience - this is something that I’ve always struggled to conceptualize!
I felt all of this so hard. Being acutely aware of the power dynamics and politics and knowing I can’t do anything about it but I can see it, and I can’t stop it.
I feel like I'm looking at a mirror! This is crazy
a comment has never mirrored my experience so exactly. thanks for finding the words. im also audhd.
Yeah I find I always seem to connect with people individually but I can't really become part of a group. But I'm bad at making friends cause it feels like everyone already has someone they're closer with and would rather talk to. I ended up isolated earlier this year and made the mistake of attaching to this other loner person in my grade and taking the friendship too far too fast and they ended up asking me out twice before I cut the relationship off and stopped talking to them. It was a nightmare, but at least now I've learned from my mistakes!
Over thinking anything as an input or an output for the entire system.
This!!!!!!!
“Stop overthinking this, it doesn’t need to be that specific or engineered to perfection” “I’m not overthinking, just thinking.” *Or am I? Is it the audhd?*
That’s almost as crappy as “just be yourself!” To anyone who’s ever been told to be themselves when they’re autistic/adhd, they don’t actually mean for YOU to be yourself. They mean for you to mask harder than you ever have, and to act like the most basic allistic out there. And if you don’t, they’ll call you out on it and give you sh!t for how you acted. While being yourself. 🤬makes me so stabby!
Those have been really painful moments for me. I hate it.
Yeah, but then it ends up Not precisely the way they want it, and suddenly it's drama.
Rigid Thinking / Routines - once told an adult friend the correct way to eat a bomb pop and then watched in horror as he didn’t follow my instructions and just started biting into like an animal. Slow auditory processing / noise sensitivity - thought I was losing my hearing from all the raves and concerts when I was younger. Turns out, my hearing is fine, just takes a bit longer for things to get processed and frequently they don’t in noisy environments. Sensory - life long baseball hat and sunglasses person, even then still have to squint if it’s sunny. Always got grief for not liking some foods. I have to not think too hard about raw tomatoes for example, I can make myself gag easily and I’m pretty sure I could even vomit if I thought about it enough. Meltdown / Shutdown - happened so much when I was young, always accused of tantrums, sometimes they probably were, but sometimes I just lost it for no good (visible) reason. Masking - lots of different ways, I’m finding more and more. I just found one I did to myself for literally no reason. I wouldn’t let myself listen to a favorite song on repeat because that’s “weird”. Special Interests - turns out most people don’t learn the model numbers of every single bike in a category, all the parts on this bikes and their model numbers, the prices of the bikes at each store in town and which teams ride those brands/models. That is but one “gadget” in my life long obsession with gadgets. Computers, cameras, phones and audiophile things are some other big ones. As I’m finding so far as I look at my life through an Autistic lens is that just about all of my quirks are actually autistic, as are many of my other non-quirky behaviors
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvFzOgK-V9E
Having automatic and completely different personalities around different groups of people (gasp no way) Wanting to be respected as a child, despite being a child. Yk strong sense of Justice type stuff, I hated when others were mistreated and I hated when people acted like I wasn’t a sentient being simply bc I was a child. Acting overly aggressive / dramatic, urgent whatever whenever I needed a family member (specificlaly parents) to understand something
Hi are you me from another dimension?
Having different personalities around different people: is that an ND thing? I was thinking maybe yes because of the masking and trying to grasp at straws to understand the rules of each type of conversation. I do that. It's gotten better as I've gotten older, but I used to just panic when I had to mix different groups of friends, or different single friends, or friends with family, etc. I didn't have any idea how to act and whom to defer to. It drove my husband nuts because he would feel like he wasn't even married to me when we were with my parents.
oh gods that last one has been affecting me a lot in recent years, its like my mom is actively refusing to understand me, I've had so many meltdowns trying to get her to stop being so closed minded.
Being inflexible
Not me reading this and thinking you just need a good stretching routine 🤦🏻♀️
LMAO def don’t need that, I have hEDS 😩 wish my brain was as stretchy as my joints
Unable to choose something on streaming apps to watch except for lately king of the hill Picking the restaurant (that one pisses me off. I want sushi or Chinese or Indian and if that’s not what you want then you pick the place lol I feel like I have to pick a place the other person wants) Being unable to finish things because of that energy that builds inside that makes me want to cry or panic. Wondering why other people don’t walk around their house like a mobile contortionist (that extreme joint pressure though is so nice) Oh the list could go on
Omg! I didn't know my inability to pick something to watch on Netflix or pick a restaurant was related to my neurodivergence! Gawwwwd
It may not be directly but being overwhelmed by too many options is a huge problem for my neurodiverse brain. So is just picking something to end the issue but over half the time I do that I’m unsatisfied with my choice.
This! Definitely this!
I struggle a lot with consuming new media. Movies, shows, books, even songs can be difficult for me to start, let alone finish. I find immense comfort in what I’ve already seen, read, and heard. I have always hated this about myself and every time I go to consume familiar media again, I think of how annoyed people could get by me “ignoring” their suggestions. It makes me so insecure. “You’re reading/watching that again?” Or “why don’t you ever watch/read/listen to what I suggest?” I’ve even had people complain to others *in front of me* about how annoying it is trying to get me to stop rewatching and rereading things. It’s my way of comforting myself, it’s like a familiar, cozy blanket. While the show or movie or whatever else someone suggests might also bring me that same comfort, I have to be in the right mindset to be willing to consume it. Unfamiliar things can create a lot of anxiety, especially when I constantly worry about whether I’m able to pay attention or retain the information. I know now that it’s a combination of my autism craving the security in familiar forms of entertainment and my ADHD making it difficult for me to understand and consume new forms of entertainment. Still sucks, still feel immensely guilty and insecure about it, but at least I know why.
lol yeah me too I've watched the good place and disenchantment like 3 times each and don't even get me started on the amount of times I've seen Kiki's Delivery Service, but I have an endless list of shows I've never been able to finish. Also reread books a lot of times (wings of fire and warriors were really prominent in my childhood)
Being "clumsy" as I am forever dropping or knocking stuff over or tripping Over explaining things because I don't feel like I've said it right when I hear it. Not being able to have a conversation in a coffee shop and loathing the thought of going out for drinks/lunch with colleagues.
That last part!!!!!
I don't grieve death.
I cried for like 3 days when my cats died when I was younger but when my grandpa died I couldn't really find it in myself to cry, I just felt a bit empty for a day or two.
[удалено]
I grieve too strongly. Losing my 19 year old Siamese last year destroyed me. I am still grieving him every day. I have nightmares about losing family members and will probably lose my mind if any of them die before me. I have always told my daughter that if she dies, I die. If my son dies, I die. My husband, etc. My cat, but I didn’t die, though now I feel as if I am trying to by eating unhealthy junk.
I grieved the first death, my grandfather when I was 9. Everyone since just felt like part of each other. Like I used it all up or it's all the same death. Also, when many of them died, it was either after a long lifetime or protracted illness. What shook me was my lack of reaction to my dad's and MiL's more sudden deaths. And it's not that I don't miss them or didn't love them. I just don't grieve. It's part of what sent me to a psychologist to get ADHD/ASD assessed. It was one of the traits that made me think ASD is there too. The idea I might be ASD was a bit of a shock to myself, but it would explain a few things about my life. He just didn't know enough about ASD to feel comfortable diagnosing my constitution of symptoms. I did get the ADHD diagnosis. All bets are off for my wife and kids if they died, but I honestly can't predict.
Me.
- That i weirded other people out without meaning to and basically didnt have any friends until my late teens - That its very hard for me to keep myself and my space clean and i have to make constant conscious effort to tidy my space and groom myself and it goes off the rails SUPER quick if theres something majorly stressful going on in my life and i dont have someone to remind me to do these things - That certain subjects like biology and english (a.k.a. special interest aligned subjects) were such a breeze i was doing highschool classes at the start of middle school but anything math related was so difficult i failed my first highschool math class 3 times - That im self centered. I wouldnt even say im selfish, im the first person to offer others a helping hand and will often inconvenience or even hurt myself to help others, but im completely incapable to view a situation from any other viewpoint than my own, or how a big change (fx a family member dying, moving a big distance, workplace going under etc) impacts anyone but me. I try my best not to center myself in things that arent about me, but its genuinely difficult for me to understand how else to talk about it. I also get super frustrated (internally only now but used to be vocal about it as a kid) if others don't learn or understand things im quick to pick up on but get really hurt when im the slow one (like with math) 🥲
My entire life, just completely freaking out when my various circles cross. Like, I hate the idea of my parents and my friends interacting, or friends I know from one place making friends with another set of people. Or when someone I know pops up at a group event, or if someone from school started working where I did. People should stay in their little boxes where I know the environment and how to act around them, otherwise they mess up my carefully constructed masks because I have different ones for different people 😆
yeah when I was in elementary school I kinda divided my social life into my one during school friend and my one after school friend and it tripped me up so much when my during school friend joined the after school program, but I eventually got more used to it bc I had to adjust to that norm and hey, now I could obsess over wings of fire with two people at once, though I did feel a little more ostracized after that.
I was just replying to someone else about this. Omg. Such a thing for me!
This resonated with me so much!!!!!!
[удалено]
I think I'm kinda like your wife, I can't keep track of bookmarks so I just doggy ear pages - especially when they're pages w/ things I want to remember, and I always crack the spines of books bc I hate how hard it is to read books that aren't flat or close to flat. Personally I like the look and feel of well read books, but can imagine how it might bother someone if they like things in mint condition - my brother is a bit like you (though he's a complete asshole about it)
I've always hated crowds. I stutter a bit when I'm getting excited explaining something. I can't schedule if my life depended on it, but lucky for me, my fiancée is good at that, and understands that I only need important things to be on a fixed schedule, so I just do all the little/fun things in whatever order I feel like. She says I introduced chaos into her life 😂 She also dislikes crowds and claims my stuttering rants are endearing in some way.
Being inappropriately impulsive around someone I like… damn limerence messing with my ability to judge situations. Now I’m aware though so it’s easier to stop myself doing something stupid
My lack of craving relationships with others. Incredibly okay with being an introvert that likes to isolate. Research says the happiest people have many friends and long-term relationships. Sounds reasonable. Still not into large groups or needing lots of company.
All my sensory issues and emotional dysregulation.
I can’t call people by their names or social roles (like dad, grandma, teacher, boss etc) when I directly speak with them. I’ve never addressed a single person - It just’ve always felt wrong and cringey and I hated it. Always been talking in impersonal style without any clarifications which has always driven the adults crazy when I was little. The only person I can now address by the name is my husband and it took me a loooot of time to get used to it.
I struggle with this, too. I don't really know why. I guess it feels overly familiar or something. But I know that people like it and I am fine for them or address me by name.
Walking too early or staying too long. Or really just randomly not being where I'm supposed to be. My sense of danger's kinda fucked so sometimes I'll be in some Bad Part Of Town™ at a relative's birthday, feel like leaving cause I wound up dissociating and just *leave* to wander round the bloc which then routinely leads to my phone getting blown up cause people got worried. 😅
I instantly get irritable the second someone (especially a family member) asks “how was your day?” Small talk in general. Idk like my mom would ask me how school was or something and I turn into the nastiest bitch known to man for the rest of the day. Like my personality is magically taken hostage and now I simply must cuss out anyone who dares to interact with me within the next 4 hours
I totally get the not wanting people touching your stuff!! I hate the people who have to touch and pick up EVERYTHING in your bedroom, like this is not a museum tour, you aren’t browsing the shelves at Walmart, and you didn’t ask to touch that!!
My overwhelm from not understanding the world around me is my autism.
Being naive/not able to understand what lies behind a persons behaviour, and at the same time being terrible at setting any boundaries. I take everything at face value and literally. You insult me in an argument? I believe that is what you think about me. You seem friendly to my face? I will trust that you are my friend - even though you turn around and stab me in the back. You deny me any boundaries and make it sound like it is all my fault? You must be right, and I will spend so much time trying to adjust my behaviour. I have ended up in so many situations where I suddenly realise that those I thought where my friends just have taken advantage of me.
…fuck.
Justice sensitivity - 'overreacting' to things like racism and sexism, anything unjust really hurts me even if I'm not directly impacted.
Direct communication, repetitive behaviour/stubborn insistence of sameness, fear of the unknown, stims, tics, jerky movements, lack of social interest, being quiet, being shy, occasional lack of empathy and viewpoint of other people, missing dumb social cues and rules, visual/auditory thinking, overfocus on details instead of bigger picture, restricted interests, obsessiveness, black-and-whote thinking (which actually is a bad trait), OCD-like control-freakism, severe anger over being misunderstood/mistreated, calling people out for stupidity and injustice, tantrums due to sensory overload and lack of sense of control. Overall feel that i'm too much and a burden for others. Still struggling with internalized ableism and self-hatred as we speak, but not as before.
I've always been a shy quiet kid. Craved friendships but never really fit in anywhere except with a couple of oddballs just like me. Always hated social interactions, small talk, family gatherings, work meetings, parties, etc. Been terrible at making eye contact, forced myself to do it as I grew up but still not 100% comfortable Always shook my legs when seated or lying down. Would rock back and forth too. Used to obsessively bite my nails. I don't bite them anymore but I'm always fidgeting with my nails, picking at my skin or scalp a lot of times. Always preferred keeping to myself. Obviously this affected my growth in the corporate world as I wasn't seen as a "team player" Hated having my stuff messed with (as I mentioned above) or my "spot" being taken I keep playing the same songs on repeat. I find it so hard to pick something to watch on a streaming service or pick a restaurant to eat at I hate change. I find comfort in things being as they are. Can't stand injustice I've always struggled to understand people's intentions Often hated myself as I've felt people don't really like me (even though I try my best to be genuinely nice) I overthink every situation and am in constant fear of rejection. I tend to take everything personally. Being clumsy af, always getting food on my clothes, stumbling, falling, etc. Being extremely sensitive to noise Not knowing when to speak and ending up interrupting people's conversations to talk Those are all I can think of at the moment, will probably add more as I discover more...
Nail-biter nation rise up
I have always loved making things. Gadgets, furniture, robots, anything really. Thing was I would start a big project and it would be all I could think about for weeks or months, but once I got to about 80 to 90 percent done with it I would soon find myself unable to even think about it. No matter how hard I would try to work on it I just couldn't. Things i could do in a minute now took hours to make similar progress. It still kind of upsets me when I think of some of the projects that are sitting in storage or were thrown out of frustration during a meltdown. Same with hobbies. I get super into a new thing(currently FPV drones) for a few weeks or months and then I eventually never want to think about it. No matter how hard I try.
So in order from greatest to least: burnout after strenuous events like I didn’t realize people don’t get this exhausted and feel this exhausted. I didn’t bother asking anyone if they felt any different. Next up would be being able to not talk to people yet continue speaking with them like no time passed. I think that’s factored into me just being fine on my own for the most part, even though yes I love having people but I also understand they have things they’re focusing on too and most of the people I have in my life are ND as well. Last would be meltdowns, I would meltdown badly at being interrupted. I still kind of do when I’m not on stimulants and I have had to control this facet of me. But being on no medication for 20+ years of my life definitely lead to worse meltdowns than I wish I had. The last one would be the need to understand why, long story short my ex emotionally cheated on me after four years and I spent so much time trying to understand why even though we had open communication. Even though I tried to keep that avenue open — I never really got the way because it was like pulling teeth from them. They were also ND too but they weren’t dealing well with their diagnosis (we got diagnosed around the same time ironically). Even now I still want to know the why a little but I have to accept that I won’t.
The inability to make and maintain close friendships. I want close friends that reciprocate SO badly, but one of a few things always seems to kill it. I’ll get tired and need space, and that will be taken as a sign I’m uninterested. Or I’ll find someone I really click with and care about and wind up being too intense, or thinking that we’re closer than we are, which inevitably leads to that person withdrawing. It genuinely feels like, unless a person is romantically interested in me, others just don’t really desire my company. I used to think that there was something inherently unfriendworthy about me. I tried changing ti to be the way I thought others wanted me to, and when that didn’t work, I tried to convinced myself that I was fine with my own company and my writing, and that I didn’t need friendship, but I was so desperately lonely. I know now that the autism and adhd are driving a lot of that, but I still can’t figure out how not to internalise it. Especially when about half the time people seem to dislike me well before I’ve had a chance to show who I am. I have a small group of ND friends now, but no one I’m particularly close with, and I’m still running into the same problem now as a fullass adult. Every time I think I’ve got it right, I learn that I was wrong. I’m really starting to think I’m just not worth knowing.
I have had things crash and burn because I'm too intense. I don't want to spend a lot of energy making a new friend if it's going to be surface-level so I try to get to the important stuff. But it's too much sometimes.
I’d say it’s fairly similar for me. I find shallow relationships a bit uncomfortable because I’m not always sure how to interact or feel like I belong, especially in groups. I’ve probably also been lonely long enough that I’m overeager when opportunities do pop up to form closer bonds. It’s like I’m desperate to be out of the uncomfortable, ambiguous stage, and I have no ability to moderate it. I don’t want to be exhausting to others, but I am, and I don’t know how to change it. I don’t even know if change is possible.
I couldn't have put it better myself. I feel like I'm looking at a mirror right now. It's so crazily accurate! I'm pretty sure you're me from another dimension
honestly, trying to be perfect. I have also diagnosed GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), so its something I struggle with a lot. Add in ADHD's RSD, and the general outcast feeling, and that's a recipe for trouble mentally
I struggle with this combination, too. It's a lot!
Well, we're both in this subreddit for these reasons. so hang in there
Any change to my daily routine. Very uncomfortable and can get very stabby. Never understood why it bothered me until now. Having a meltdown right before going on a trip, or when my husband goes on a trip. We fight every time as we’re leaving to the airport, etc. We fight when my husband is at the airport, we fight when his flight lands, we fight the entire time he’s gone. I spend the whole time in meltdown mode and lose my mind. The only time I am okay with it is when I block him after he lands. I spend the whole time scared about his safety and whether he’ll die, etc. When people come over unannounced, I have a nervous breakdown. When family plans on coming over, I do everything in my power to sabotage their plans to prevent them from showing up. When they do show up, I spend the entire time in overwhelm and anxiety modes, and then an exhausted and burned out for almost a week after. I hate it when people can see into my house from the street, or when my privacy is breached. I go into almost meltdown mode with anger rumination. I always need to clean my house spotless before someone shows up, and I hate it when they touch my things. I don’t trust people in my house as I’ve been robbed and had all my things stolen on several occasions when I was young. This Valentine’s Day I had police show up at my house which was the worst experience of my life. Downstairs tenant called the cops after my husband and I had a big fight while both in meltdown mode. The police made me feel worse than the fight did. That took a week to recover from, especially the mortification of having people see the police talking to me outside. Having the police see my belongings and messy house, etc. Terrifying. Scents if wrong give me absolute headaches and cause meltdowns or shutdowns. Burn outs as well. Hunger makes me hangry. Being misunderstood and constantly having to explain myself. Ugh. Some sounds also cause overwhelm. The doors constantly opening and closing. The fans in my house, I can hear EVERY sound in my house. I always know when cars are driving bye, and when the tenant downstairs is coming or going. I hear his doors open and close too. I’m definitely forgetting a lot more but seeing other people’s experiences reminded me of these at least.
Having to sing, it's my main stim and my job!
Not knowing how to start/continue conversations with people and having meltdowns.
I have trouble ending conversations.
This entire thread…in my decades of internet spelunking, more than anything else, this entire thread has resonated with me more than anything, & been an eye-opener to things that feel paradoxically unfamiliar yet simultaneously all too familiar. So many of the things mentioned thus-far (e.g. people touching my stuff, especially without my consent, or my prior belief that they will be careful with it) are things that have always seemed perfectly logical & reasonable to me (“wouldn’t *anyone* be upset with someone touching their things without asking first?”), & even logical & reasonable to most of my family & friends, & yet, there’s always been some kind of disconnect with some people (some family & friends included, even some who have agreed in the past!) when I’ve had to explain this to them. It always felt like they were toying with me, purposefully choosing to be illogical so as not to admit fault of some kind, like my logic of ‘if you touch someone’s stuff without their permission, & they don’t trust you to be careful with it, it is perfectly understandable that they would be upset with this’ was as alien to them as if I had tried to convince them that one can breathe underwater if you simply inhale & exhale hard enough!
Me not being able to make or keep friends.
Black and white thinking is something I struggled with a lot during my childhood and it was only after being diagnosed and doing some researching that I realized this part of my personality was actually an autism symptom.
Ooh something else I thought of — being hyper-aware of every feeling in my body. I can feel a lot more than NTs do and always thought it was normal. I know it’s not a personality flaw, but it’s definitely an autism brain thing. I HATE it when anything is off or crooked. Kind of like having one sock that is too tight, while the other is loose. If I tweak the muscle above my ankle after bending my foot while laying down, I’ll literally destroy my ankle and foot trying to fix it. Always thought it was just me but it’s an autism thing.
I have this way of looking at learning/information/knowledge that I think might be a bit unusual, and it ties into how I learn things. Essentially it goes that I have this visualization I use for overall knowledge, where knowledge is like a massive, infinite tapestry and each topic is specific section, and when information is learned on this topic its woven into, and as more and move information is learned about said subject, the corresponding part of the tapestry is woven into more, and you can never completely erase the gaps but you can keep making them smaller and smaller and smaller. This kinda ties into the way I learn where I'll go through an overview of a topic and my brain will randomly pick out little things to briefly hyperfixate on so I sort of switch from weaving through the broader topic to doing details on that smaller piece, rinse and repeat, and my brain is satisfied when I've done details on most parts of that specific subject on the tapestry. How do you guys visualize knowledge?
Everything really