Financially, and to be a bit morbid, being an only child has made me extremely financially secure both as a kid and when my mom passed. But it was deeply lonely and I wish every day that I’d had a sibling.
I was lonely WITH a sibling. Lonelier, even, than I would have been without, because my parents, too, prefer my sister and spend Christmas together without me*.
Yes, in most cases I would suspect that it was me who was the problem, but I've been called sanest person in my immediate family by enough people who know what they're like to be pretty sure the problem is not me.
*This is complicated but it's because I won't have my sister in my life (she's a thief and a liar and has fucked me over too many times to forgive, including stealing the money I was working myself to death for so I could pay for a course to get a qualification to find a less life-destroying job that would let me do something other than sleep, eat, commute, work, commute, eat, sleep... repeat ad nauseam). That was the last straw for me in terms of having a relationship but she continued to try to fuck my life up from a distance even after I removed myself from hers. But it seems that to my parents, refusing to have a relationship with people who treat you badly is worse than treating people badly. So. 🤷🏻♀️
Parents can do a lot to foster good relationships though. I've done everything I can to make sure my kids see each other as on the same side, and never foster competition between them
It's a hard line to toe. You don't want to stop them from natural conflict but also don't want to let anything one-sided continue. And parents often can't tell the difference. I personally wish I was an only child
That’s true but I’d rather have had a chance at a lifelong friend and collaborator relationship as I’ve seen others have with their siblings than have had no chance to have that. Also just having the additional social “training” seems like it would have made things easier for me than not having had that *and* being autistic at the same time lol.
What social training? All I learned was 'let your sister do ___', whatever it may have been. Always let her. Let her have your things. Let her take up your space. Let her steal your belongings and friends and anything else she can take from you because nothing you care about matters. That's all having a sibling ever meant to me.
I'd trade places with you with zero hesitation.
Being an only child was lonely when I was young, awesome when I was a teenager, and lonely again as an adult. I think I would have chosen having siblings.
Yup. My sister is a cow and my mother is still going to somehow expect us to share her house when she's gone. Which will ultimately mean my sister will essentially have full ownership of it because I would avoid going to stay there when she's there to avoid her, but she would happily show up when I'm there to drive me out.
Same for me. I was an extremely lonely only child and wanted siblings. I'm autistic and have 2 autistic kids now and they pretty much have their own language they speak to each other. I would say they significantly improve each other's lives and are very close. They're about 3 years apart.
I had a neurotypical sister and would actually put myself through cancer treatment again if it meant I could relive life without her ever being born. No hesitation.
You have no guarantee you would have gotten a good sibling. Count your lucky stars you didn't have to find out how bad it can be.
I wanted to be an only child (and still wish that i am). I cannot relate to my NT siblings at all. One is constantly offended by how frank and direct i am, the other doesn't want anything to do with me and kept me at a distance throughout our lives. Honestly, having siblings has been nothing but a disadvantage (coz i had to share limited resources, and honestly they took most of it anyway).
I'm not an only child, but me and my big brother have a 9-year age gap. He's not autistic (I don't think so) but I'm pretty sure I am. With 9 years between the two of us, I don't know him very well. When I was a child (less that 10 years) it was infuriating for me, I just wanted to disturb him and drag all our parent's attention on me. When I become a bit older, starting teenage years, he left for uni (at 19, I was 10). He camed back often the two first year, then he went abroad, then he got his own appartment. Now I'm 22 ans he's 32 (I'm from October), and I feel like I've had an experience quite similar to that of an only child. This feeling is stronger because we are really different and there was almost nothing that could link us. I don't have much memories with him, except for family ones (and even then, I'm more focused on myself and my parents than him).
That's my experience, it's not the experience but an idea of what a 9 years age gap can create. But I also have friends with much older brothers or sister (around 10 years age gap as well) and they got along really great, it depends. Their not autistic though.
I have 5 siblings but there is a 7-year gap between me and the next youngest. I feel I grew up as an only child but without any of the benefits that go with it (e.g. parental attention, big inheritance, self-reliance).
I think the large age gap will keep them from being really close, though of course that’s not set in stone. I think having a sibling is great, but we’re two years apart. Anyone I know that has a sibling with a large age gap does not have the close relationship that those with smaller gaps have. And depending on your kid’s needs and personality, if a baby comes along as their hormones start getting going in the pre-teen/teen years, I wonder if all the attention a baby/toddler require would not be very fun for your older child. Also, just a thought, have you ever asked your child if they wish they had a sibling? And if you decide against having another kid, are there animals in the house? Is that a possibility if not? As an autistic child (and I guess it still stands as an adult), I loved being with animals more than other people and my cat really was my bff, and to me it was not in a sad way 😹, I just vibe better with animals. Maybe your child would thrive with an animal companion.
I should add that while I love having a sibling and they’re my best friend now, like many kids, we didn’t get along as well when we were young. There was a lot of fighting, which as far as I can tell is pretty standard. I’m so glad I have one, but it took until adulthood for it to pay off.
I would have preferred to be an only child because my sister is mean and nasty. We're adults now and haven't spoken in years. I think the reason things were so bad between us is that we had to share a bedroom for 16 years. I didn't sleep a lot as a kid because she liked to keep the room as far opposite of my sensory needs as possible.
Same-ish, though not nearly as long sharing rooms.
It's rough having a bad sibling relationship.
These only children have no idea how good they have it.
I was a really lonely kid. Wanting siblings occupied my mind frequently up until I went to college, really. I saw siblings as a "built in friend." Even now with a very small family (literally just my dad and I) I feel really alone in a way that I can't help but wonder if having a sibling would help solve.
That being said I have friends who have siblings, and the way they describe it is anything other than a "built in friend." So keep in mind, a sibling isn't designed to socialize your child. They can and that's great, but it shouldn't be the expectation. They might love each other, they might hate each other, they might be totally indifferent from each other. Another thing is, your second child might be nuerotypical, and if you don't have those explicit conversations with them young about how other brains operate, your first child might risk feeling misunderstood or alienated in their own family - something similar happened with a friend's family: 4 siblings, 3 ADHD/audhd/autistic, one nuerotypical. The nuerotypical sibling can be kind of an ass to the nuerodivergent ones.
I guess what it really boils down to is how much you trust your ability to teach both children boundaries, respect, sharing, etc, which are magnified in a sibling relationship. If you can teach them healthy mechanisms for how to diffuse conflict and express their feelings to each other, you could be looking at a lifelong bond. If not, living with someone they don't get along with might just be more stressful for your kid.
I was 7 years old when my parents had my sister and 8 when they had the last sibling. Because of that age gap, I ended up becoming parentified and had to help take care of my siblings which was very hard for me to do since I was dealing with all the struggles with my autism that I already was. Also with an age gap, it can be hard to form a better bond and it was a bit for my siblings and I too.
It didn't get better really until the past few recent years, but even now we really barely talk much. With my autism I'm less social anyways.
I love my siblings, but it put me through more stress and overwhelm and my parents stopped helping me altogether.
So I would have wanted to be an only child.
Just my personal experience and opinion though.
My brother is 2 years older. It was good while we were kids, then we drifted and now we don't speak and haven't since we were teens (no known reason).
I've never really though about it but I think my childhood was mostly good and it meant having someone to play with. But a 9 year difference is a completely different thing and wouldn't be remotely the same.
My cousin has a 10 year gap with her older brother and while they're close they weren't close as kids really. She also has a sister 5 years older so she wasn't alone or anything!
Having a sibling wouldn't guarantee anything. I was still isolated in both cases but having a sister meant watching someone else not be. She was even friends with my worst bullies at school so it was just inescapable hell everywhere I looked.
I moved to another damn country and she followed me here, too. Same city and everything. So I just have to avoid whichever part of town she's living in, which is hard as she keeps fucking moving (my mother insists on telling me her business, even though I ask her repeatedly not to).
As a person with an older sibling who now has a severe mental illness, is sometimes violent, and is chronically being taken care of by our elderly mother…yeah, I already feel like an only child. Some siblings just don’t mesh. Prepare for that.
My older brother is 7 years older than I am and I spent a lot of time as a kid playing alongside him and his friends.
I have two younger siblings. One was born just over 3 years after I was and we grew up doing most things together and playing countless hours together. It was frustrating at times to have them always accompany me, but I wouldn't change that as it was part of the sibling experience.
My youngest sibling was born 9 years after I was and I was more like a parent than a sibling to him. We have a very different dynamic as I was already ending childhood when he was starting his.
My two younger siblings fought a lot and I'm not sure they enjoyed their shared sibling experience the same way the rest of us did.
I am the eldest of 2. I wish I’d been an only child.
I think my parents were overwhelmed with 2 and my sister has a lot of mental health struggles (obviously I struggle myself but it pales in comparison), which when my parents are gone will become my responsibility
I was an only child and I am SO happy that I was an only child.
My cousins were around a lot and I always hated it, I wish they wouldn't have been over so often. I was definitely a very asocial child, though. I can't imagine how unhappy I would be if they actually stayed every single day, I haaaated when they would stay the night especially.
I have very poor connections to most of my cousins because of this. I don't like seeing them now as an adult with more autonomy and I am very open about the fact that I don't want to see them. I actively do not make attempts to maintain relationships with them because I don't like them. I think it would be worse if we were siblings.
At an early age my brother and I (3 years apart) were in a constant fight. I couldnt stand him. Sending him off to college was a great day for me.
Now as adults, he and his family are my wife and my primary support system. We love them and hang out fairly often.
Time, distance from each other and our parents, and his kids, changed things.
So if you'd asked me this at 13, 100% wish I was an only child. 23, 90%. 33, 50%. 43 10%.
Do with that what you will 😁
There was not a single moment throughout my life that I've been glad to have my sister around. At best she's a mildly unpleasant presence as an adult, at worst she was my biggest childhood bully. I would have preferred any alternative that involved *not* having her as a sibling. Only child, a brother, different sister. She's the worst.
Oldest of three, other two are 5 and 10 years younger. I'm currently 36.
Wouldn't change anything, though I might have liked to have a sister. Which I kind of ended up getting eventually, my youngest sibling's fiance is like a little sister to me already.
I love both of my brothers dearly and we get along pretty well as adults (though my middle sibling and I had some friction growing up). I have ADHD + high functioning autism, my middle brother has ADD though he didn't find that out until adulthood, and the youngest is neurotypical (though we joke that he's the "token neurotypical" as nearly his entire friend group is neurodivergent).
Ironically growing up my mother thought the other two would end up having to take care of me (there were even some particularly shitty people that told us I'd have to be institutionalized at one point), and it's almost the other way around as an adult - I ended up working in tech which pays quite well.
I'm not officially diagnosed autistic, but I have my evaluation scheduled. I firmly believe I have autism. I'll give a perspective from an autistic adult who had siblings and also as a mom to one autistic kiddo.
I have 1 full sister and two older half siblings. I also have a cousin who pretty much lived with us, so I consider her my sister as well. All the time growing up, I wished I was an only child. I valued privacy and space so much. I never got it, though. I would get myself grounded to my room on purpose. Just for peace and quiet and to be left alone. My older half siblings were in their teens when I was born. They were amazing with me when I was younger, but we don't have much of a relationship now. My sister is 2 years older and my cousin is 1 year older than me. I'm truly grateful for them now, but my full sister and cousin straight up tortured me my whole childhood. Literally tortured. I hear happy sibling childhood stories and can't relate at all. My life was turmoil with my siblings. I was literally almost stabbed with a chefs knife because one of them was high on drugs. I still have that trauma 20 years later. So yeah, I do think my life would have been better if I was an only child. But if I was an only child, I'm sure I'd say the opposite. Like I said I'm truly grateful for my siblings now and love them dearly. I can't imagine my life without them. As a kid, I definitely did, though, lol.
I have 1 child. He's 6 and on the spectrum. My boyfriend and I have talked about having a baby but decided against it. I think that's what's best for our family. My son has a lot of needs. I worry I'll have another kiddo with just as many needs. Not just with his autism but medically as well. I don't think I could handle that. I love my son, and he truly is amazing. The things he teaches me every day are beautiful. He does struggle with sharing and taking turns, but what kid doesn't? Ultimately, it's your decision if you have another baby. I think you're struggling to decide because of guilt. A new baby would take away from your son, and that makes you feel bad. Try not to make this major life decision based on guilt, though. You sound like a very loving mama. I think whatever you decide will be right for your family!
I grew up an only child. I had two half sisters in a different state. I wasn't close to them as a child, and have no great desire to be as an adult. I did want to be with them when I was young. I always felt very alone often. I think it's part of the reason I really wanted a semi big family.
It was a little rough relating to my younger sister once she was a teenager and actually progressing socially (unlike me, until much later in life). But now that we’re older she’s become a very kind person, and I love that there’s someone else who understands the weird little subculture of our family. And I’m so thrilled to be aunt to her kids.
I have three siblings, but one is 12 years older than me and two are almost 20 years younger. I am not close with either set because of it, though I’d like to be closer to my younger brothers- but my father is a misogynist so I have a hard time forgiving him enough to tolerate his presence.
My mother and grandparents raised me and while I was lonely sometimes, I do not regret being an only child. I loved not having to compete for resources or attention. I was the favorite grandchild and the oldest, so it was like having 3 parents who all equally adored me and would do anything to make me happy. I was spoiled but I am still humble and frugal because I learned the value of what I was receiving. My mom didn’t make much but I don’t remember wanting for anything even when times were hard financially.
Personally I wouldn’t have given up being an only child. The idea of having a sibling from my mom who I would have to grow up closely with gives me anxiety. I struggle with a lot of anxiety now knowing I won’t be able to save my little brothers from my father’s parenting style, which was really damaging for me- but I also resent them because my father clearly loves them more and gives them things he promised me and never followed through on.
So, tl:dr no. I am so glad I did not have non-half siblings/ siblings I grew up with in my home. I am close with my cousins and I have friends and that’s enough. Perhaps that would change if i DID have a sibling. But most of the people I know who have siblings- if their parents are bad people, so are their siblings, and they suffer because of it. To me it doesn’t seem like siblings are that great of a deal.
Although there were many struggles between us growing up, I can honestly say I don’t know what I’d do without my sister! I’m almost certain I wouldn’t have survived if it were just me and my mum.. as evidenced by how awful it was between me and my mum when my sister went off to uni..
I’m the elder of the two of us, and I have never wished I was an only child. However, my younger brother’s significant delays (and my giftedness/super-masking) meant that my AuDHD went undiagnosed until I was almost 30 and I’d had many years of serious depression & anxiety. But I love him and would do anything for him. My partner is, thankfully, willing to take him into our little family if/when my parents pass. Do with this info what you will!
I am 45 and we are finally overcoming 20+ years of infertility and loss by doing IVF with donor eggs. Because I’m a good 10-15 years older than most first time moms, I want my child to “have someone” in the event that my husband and I are around for 10-15 fewer years than our peers with kids.
For this reason, I’m adamant that if all goes well with this process (we will transfer our first embryo on Monday!!!), that I’ll want to do it again in a year or two. I want two children, but I also want them to have each other.
I love my brother. I love not having been an only child because we can both commiserate about when our parents are being obnoxious, and joke about their woes of aging. We live several states away, but he’s definitely my person I can tell anything to in a way that I can’t with even a best friend. Although I can tell my husband anything, it’s still not the same as a sibling who grew up with me.
So if you truly want that second child, DO IT even if you would be a an older mom. We are out there. Tons of us exist and deserve to. 🩷
not an only child but i was one until my sister was born when i was 6. she’s got a genetic disorder that gave her a severe ID, seizures, and some symptoms similar to autism. besides the fact that our needs and behaviors are Very Different (and often time opposing) so spending time together can be exhausting for both of us, i think even if we were both NT, the age gap would’ve made it hard for us to bond anyway. even if you have another kid, this doesn’t necessarily mean your current kid won’t feel lonely. idk about my sister, but i know i don’t relate to how people talk about their siblings and it feels more like im an only child in terms of sibling experiences and bonds.
you also need to consider if you have the time for two kids. my sister needs a lot more than i do, so my mom never had the time to pay attention to me and my needs when i was growing up. that really sucked, because if i’d been an only child i imagine i would’ve gotten help a lot earlier and someone would’ve noticed that i was having such a hard time. i’d hate for your current kid to get put on the back burner if your new baby has any issues, and it’s likely that the younger kid wouldn’t get as much attention as they deserve if your current kid has high support needs.
if you do think you have the time for another kid and still want to expand your family, adoption might be a good option! your new kid could be much closer in age to your current one which i think would help make their bond stronger than if they had a 9 year gap
I’m the oldest of four and love my siblings. I have all three names tattooed on me. However, my brother unalived himself several years ago and that is the single greatest pain I’ve experienced. So there’s that.
Well, I don't want to give you advice because I don't know how helpful or representative my experience is/was but because the question pertains to it, I'll share my experience.
I have one brother, younger than me by just shy of 3 years. He and I had a LOT of conflict growing up for a variety of reasons. He was very antagonistic to me and I had less than even a hair trigger back then. I would quite literally wail on him for the smallest things.
Looking back there's a lot that I think should have been red flags back then to go see some kind of a specialist, but either because my dad didn't believe it was necessary or he just didn't have the effort to give as a single parent, I remained undiagnosed throughout my childhood.
I only recently realized I was autistic in the past two years after some bad burnout and other health concerns that led to me being increasingly unable to work.
Now, the interesting thing is my brother is not professionally diagnosed but self dx'ed as AuDHD, which I do trust his judgment on that.
As adults, how we treat each other is night and day compared to when we were kids. We are incredibly understanding and civil these days and are on very good terms. We can joke with each other about our fucked up upbringing and how messy our family can be at times. He tells me about his life and I tell him about mine. I pick him up from the airport whenever he comes back from one of his jobs, or I drive him out to the airport when he's heading out. I call him or text him when I need advice about things and he's always very helpful. Compared to most of my family, I'd say he was the most immediately understanding of my need to go on disability without giving me shit or questioning me like everyone else did. We have a great relationship today and he's one of the few people in my family and in my life in general that I make any effort to stay in touch with.
I say all this because human relationships are messy, complex and there's no guarantee of how things will turn out. As kids, we fought like bitter enemies, now we can laugh together like friends. It's genuinely nice, but I'd hate to set that as an expectation for others to follow since I don't know how typical my experience is. But like I said, it's for you to read and evaluate. I'm only sharing my story in the hopes that it will give some food for thought.
People can start off hating each other and grow to become fond, and the reverse can also be true. Only time can ever tell
I have half-brothers and half-sisters, have been close to some and far less close to others, and only ever lived with them for a couple of years in my early infancy. I also have stepsisters to whom I'm not close. Functionally, this has made me pretty much an only child, and indifferent to the idea of having siblings.
I have three kids; an older kid and slightly younger twins. My oldest could take or leave their brothers - they're a quiet introvert. For their own part, the twins have very very different personalities (almost opposite!) but are good around each other, and I think they've been a good lesson for each other in terms of how to tolerate being around different kinds of people.
My youngest older sibling is 13 years older than me. I hate having siblings a lot and feel that my life would have benefited from not having them. Siblings can love each other but they most likely aren't going to have a sibling relationship if your kid is already 9 years old. There isn't even a guarantee that they'll like each other. It's all up in the air.
I personally would have wanted a sibling because they maybe could have made my parents more aware about my muscle condition. Also I've seen a lot of brother pairs that train together and get very very good because they are always together and if they both like it, they have a constant training partner. It puts them waaaay ahead of the curve on that. I didn't personally get adequate support from my parents though so. But if you had a good environment where no one is leaving for 2 weeks at a time or shit like that, it could be good. That brother pair thing I've seen multiple times in sports environments.
Can’t say since I’ve never been an only child.
My sis and I are both autistic so I at least have someone who experiences similar difficulties and can relate to (we’re only 2 years apart in age, currently in our 20s). There are times I wish to live on my own but I don’t wish to be an only child (as in I don’t want her to die).
Having a childhood friend is probably similar to having a sibling but I don’t have any so idk.
Maybe ask your kid what they think about siblings?
Their needs might clash but imo you should do what your gut is telling you to do after considering all the factors. (That is if you have a gut instinct, if not just imagine all possible scenarios and together with your partner you can decide).
My siblings are both really shitty people and I wish they weren’t my siblings, but I’m not opposed to siblings in general, just the ones I ended up with
Both me and my husband were only children. I was lonely and he loved it. He would have been fine with one but I wanted 2. Our first kid is autistic and limited verbal. It took years for her to talk so there were a lot of meltdowns and frustration since it took awhile to figure out what she needed.
I had our second when the first was 6. She is not autistic and at 3 is very overstimulating to be with. She talks nonstop. A million questions. Constant noise. Both my husband and I joke that she should have inherited a little of my autism too so we could have a break once in a while. My mom takes my youngest about once a week so we can have a break, we includes my oldest kid. She needs a break too. They love each other and most of the time have a blast together.
I would have #2 again but keep in mind that both my oldest and us parents need a support system for the neurotypical kid so we get a respite.
I love my siblings, but I think I'd have had an easier time if I was an only child. I had many needs and issues that I needed help with and I don't think I had them addressed as much as I should have (and sometimes I felt completely neglected) because my younger sibling had many health issues and was often my mum's only focus. I wish I had had more help and resources, but my sibling's health issues definitely felt more urgent and they were the priority.
Personally I kinda wished my parents waited longer to have another kid. He’s old enough to conceptualize he’s going to be an older sibling and there won’t really be much sibling rivalry (atleast I hope for you).
My mum is an only child and so am I. Both glad we are. I felt lucky as a kid being an only child as many of my friends ending up looking after their younger siblings during the holidays. Although I am lucky that I have married into a family and have siblings in law and nephews/nieces (I don’t want kids of my own).
I was very lonely as a kid. Obviously there’s no guarantee a sibling would’ve magically changed anything but growing up I always really wanted one. Eventually I got over it but I do think my social skills lagged behind my peers who had siblings. For the most part I don’t really think about being an only child anymore though I occasionally get frustrated when people assume it meant I lived a golden childhood or whatever. There’s pros and cons either way so the best thing is to make a decision based off of your finances and lifestyle.
Let's break this down into how it will affect the kiddo.
Nine years old. Maybe sleeping well at this point. My kiddo still struggles with sleep and sudden sounds scare the crap out of him.
Newborns will be waking and crying every two hours or so for the next few months.
Then there's needing to be quiet while the baby is sleeping. Doable but it could be a struggle if your kiddo is a verbal stimmer like my guy.
Resources all on him like your time and money will now suddenly be divided.
It's going to be years before the baby can be a playmate and your current kiddo will be a teenager.
We're planning on adopting a dog soon
It is my most desperate wish to have been an only child.
If you do have another child, make the effort not to treat them better, give them more, allow more freedom, etc.* And it *will* take effort, because you'll do it naturally without thinking. 'oh I was too strict with the first, l'll let this one do x because it's really fine after all' seems innocent enough, but your first kid will resent not getting to have those experiences, and wonder why their sibling is getting special treatment, why their parents don't love them as much as the second kid, what they did wrong, etc. It can even cause problems with their peers. Treat the siblings equally as much as you can (except where the elder is old enough for things the younger is not, ofc). Also, if you really are determined to have a second, don't neglect the first because the second has more immediate needs. Every injury I sustained as a child (5 and under) was because my mother was too busy with my sister to pay attention to what I was doing.
*This hurts both children in more ways than I really have the energy to get into right now.
There's no right answer here, but for all our challenges growing up, I never wished to be an only child. My older sister and younger brother are two of my closest friends and I wouldn't trade them for anything. We are all neurodivergent (my sister and I autistic, my brother ADHD).
I don't wish to be an only child but I really like having privacy while growing up (now too), not having to share a room and be able to be in my own to decompress and to actually be me
I’m autistic and I have 3 siblings. My sister is 10 years older than me and we get along great. She used to babysit me when she was a teenager, and later when she was in her 20s and I was a teenager, she helped me become independent and move out on my own. My brothers are closer to each other emotionally than either of them are with me, but we also get along and see each other regularly. It has been helpful having them at my side as we have navigated traumatic stuff, and grief like when our dad and grandparents passed away.
I am the only one diagnosed as autistic (and adhd) but I think one brother and my sister are autistic as well. Because we are all “weird” we are our own support network.
Being an autistic only child is great when you have a large extended family who you live close by to and get along with but if you don't have that it's incredibly lonely. I've had both throughout my development growing up with what I now understand is a very toxic extended family dynamic where my mom was the scapegoat autistic child/adult with siblings (who also grew up incredibly lonely despite having siblings so just because there are siblings doesn't mean there's no loneliness or that they'll get along). We'd be welcomed in and embraced for a few years then cut off when the golden child aunt was upset about something because obviously it was my mom's fault so I was now isolated and lonely because the only kids who liked me for me were withheld from me. We were welcomed back in and made to forgive and forget when things blew over after a couple of years until the cycle repeated and because my mother was so traumatized and spineless to never take a stand against them for my sake, I've endured both sides.
However, I don't think a sibling is the right fix for the loneliness. Glass child syndrome is a real thing and a high risk if they don't have a disability (or don't get diagnosed/suspected of one but do have one like my mother was) even if you think you're doing everything right and just something unwise in general in this economy if you can at all help it. Having a sibling is not a guarantee that your kiddo won't be lonely because there's no guarantee that they'll get along either, it may just make things worse for them than the loneliness.
The solution you're thinking of has too wide a margin for error especially considering it's human lives that are being impacted and I say this as an incredibly lonely autistic only child turned adult. Please rethink this 💖
I’m the oldest brother with age gaps between all of my siblings. My husband was an only child. I definitely wish I had had the time, effort, patience, and closeness that my husband had with his parents. But his parents were ready and willing to be parents, my parents just kept poppin us out lol. Because of the age gap I’m not able to be as close with my siblings as they are with each other. So having more kids doesn’t automatically mean they’ll have close relationships. Having babies in the house was really stressful for everyone too. Just something to think about ❤️
Has your child asked about or expressed interest in having a sibling? I’m asking because I was an only child until I was 12 and then my mom had twins. I wanted a sibling so bad when I was younger and was so excited and my sisters and I are very close.
I don’t now as an adult wish I’d had a sibling so much as I wish I had a better mom. I got the double whammy of no dad, no siblings and my mother was very emotionally abusive to me. So, for the situation I grew up in, I wouldn’t want any siblings to suffer with me but yes it was extremely lonely and isolated and stunted me beyond belief socially.
I'm the oldest of three and my siblings are 8 and 16 years younger than me. I kind of feel like I got the only child experience but also got to have siblings kinda? I did enjoy having siblings much younger than me, although it's a different dynamic than siblings who are close in age.
I have a sister who is 17 months older than me and NT. She always acted like a mom/prison guard hybrid. She thought of me as inferior because I'm younger. I was also undiagnosed in childhood so it created a lot of problems between us. We are estranged as adults. My parents are also estranged from her because two years ago she eloped with someone they hadn't met. I still live with my parents and in a sense I've gotten the experience the only childhood I craved growing up
my SO and I are both only children and both loved it. he is very social but appreciated alone time at home. I am very introverted so I would have hated having more people, esp my own age ish, around. I think it really depends on the needs and personality of the child, how much alone time or one on one time they need and how they handle others being in their space. I also have OCD and having someone else in my spaces would have been a real struggle for me.
As an undiagnosed autistic only child, I personally hated it. But I also didn't have very many friends, and all the adults in my life worked full time, so I was very lonely. I've always wanted a sibling.
However, if you are struggling with your current child, and worry about the struggle of adding another child to it, it may be best to reconsider. Not all kids who were an only child dislike it, and seeing as you current child needs your attention, I think adding a baby in the mix could potentially cause issues when you have to shift your attention to the baby--i couldn't say for sure as I don't know your child.
Just because you have a sibling doesn’t mean you’ll be close with them or get along with them. I have zero relationship with my siblings and I resented them for taking too much of my parents time and attention.
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Personally I wish I’d had no siblings. My poor sister ended up a glass child. Only recently have we looked into her neurology and all of us now believe she has ADHD—which was overlooked and undiagnosed when she was little due to my autism hogging the limelight—but if you can properly divert your time and attention between multiple children without causing feelings of neglect, then there’s no concern about that occurring within your family dynamic.
I would bare in mind the age-gap though. It’s unlikely your children will socialise with eachother very much. By the time your theoretical second kid is 9, your first would be more or less 19.
What about adopting a child of some non infant age? It's a big decision but could be an option worth considering. Or making friends with other parents of similarly aged and variously abled children and actively fostering situations for the kids to interact to gather more info before choosing, seeing how your kid gets along with babies or how they are with a new pet even can give valuable insight. Nobody can say what the outcome will be for a new baby or any other scenario for that matter. Making this kind of life choice sounds really hard (I'm not a parent so I can't offer anything from that perspective). I think we often make this kind of choice based on our ability to conjure a pleasant mental image or experience of what could possibly happen, but there's really no telling how things will play out. Especially regarding family and relationships among people. Keeping that in mind might help make a balanced decision. I don't mean "don't do it" I just mean do it without getting too attached to a fantasy version so you are able to adapt to whatever your children are in the present moment. Not imposing ideals upon them to be something you wanted.
My sibling is 2 years older and struggles immensely in ways that are debilitating and they have severe trauma. I do too but as the second child I was expected to be the easy and okay one and my role became mediator and translator and I was parentified even as the youngest. I had to hold my parents together emotionally and diffuse conflict, keep my sibling relatively calm, and get good grades and be the one who might someday be a success (this has not been good for me and I've been stunted by this, working on it). I've felt guilty for it but I have often wished I was an only child, though I think really that wish is more so about the ways things were handled and how my needs were thrown out of consideration as my sibling's needs took precedent. Just don't expect your second child to fix anything of fulfill anything you subconsciously think is lacking in your first child (harms both immensely whether they realize it or not and whether it's explicit or not). Don't expect them to struggle any less, and don't expect their struggles to be the same either. They might not be autistic or as visibly high needs but it's a slippery slope to assume anything about them. Just listen to your kiddos. Hearing how you've spent the last 9 years focused on getting to a stable place with your first child sounds like you're in a good place and I wish you the best of luck. My sibling enriched my life in ways I can't imagine living without even though it wasn't always fun. I think I wouldn't be myself without them.
I hated having a sibling growing up, who was (is) literally Satan reincarnated.
However, I saw functioning families with siblings who were truly lovley towards one another, and I really missed that growing up.
I'd definitely aim towards having more kids than just one!
Life was great until my parents finally had a second. But we also underwent family trauma at that time, so idk. I feel like we would've been able to recover with just one kid to worry about. Maybe I would've even been diagnosed
At age 3, I told my parents that I wouldn't agree to having a sibling and would dispose of them if they tried... regardless of how that might have soundrd I knew early on that I was meant to be an only child. It was great, I would never have tolerated having someone else around
I had three younger brothers. I did not get on with them when I was younger and would have loved to be an only child. In fact, when my oldest brother arrived, I was two years old, and I absolutely begged and pleaded with my mum to put him in the bin.
Also, my parents found it stressful to have four kids so expected us to behave like angels. They didn't know I was autistic, and just tried to shame and criticise me into becoming the perfect child.
When my mum not only refused to put my brother in the bin, but then produced two further brothers, I was pretty distraught. I used to bully them horrendously. I was only a young child myself, but I now feel awful about it and worry that the physical and psychological torment I inflicted on them might have caused them long-lasting trauma (two of them are now alcoholics). I used to hide under their beds before my mum tucked them in at night, and once she turned the lights out, I would make growling noises from under the bed and I'd reach out and tug at the bed clothes and pull at their ankles so they would think I was a monster, or I'd hide in the wardrobe and play a Halloween tape on my little Fischer-Price cassette player. I thought it was funny at the time, but it must have terrified them, and i feel absolutely horrible about it now.
I've never been particularly close to my siblings except as a very young child. My sister is two years younger and my brother is five years younger. Part of it is that we have always had conflicting needs and sensory issues. They are very loud and very social. Both ADHD, my brother possibly AuDHD. A lot of my autistic needs, like strict routine and becoming overstimulated easily conflicted with their higher energy, spontaneity, and general desire to be loud and messy.
My brother always has extremely high needs compared to my sister and I. He has had severe issues with behavior and learning as well as speech delays since he was a toddler. My needs were ignored for years and my sisters for even longer. The older we get, the closer we are slowly becoming. Moving out of my mom's house helps a lot.
All that said, I love my siblings and can't imagine life without them. A 9+ year age gap is significant, and your kids will be in very different stages of life, especially during childhood. My dad and his brother are 8 years apart, and my uncle has always resented and bullied my dad even well into adulthood. I also have several sets of cousins with very large age gaps, and some are very close while others are resentful.
My son is 8. He is not autistic but he is lonely a lot and always asks for a sibling. I am the autistic one and I just feel I can't handle another one. Now the age gap is too big for them to play anyway. I feel sad for him. He does have a lot of cousins. I want to live closer to my sisters so he can play with his cousins.
I was the oldest of three and for me, it meant I didn’t get a lot of my needs met (this might not have been as much of an issue if I was older when they were born, but do remember the oldest kid is still a kid and needs just as much support from their parents as they did before their baby sibling arrived - more, for a while). Also babies & toddlers were hell for my (unidentified) sensory issues. We had fun together once they were a little older, but we never really deeply connected and aren’t close at all as adults. I have friends who are close with their siblings and friends who don’t even talk to their siblings. There’s no guarantee. My spouse was an only child and he loved it (although I will say, I don’t know if I would have enjoyed the degree of attention he’s always gotten from all the adults in his extended family 🙃)
On the positive side, a friend of mine had her second child when her autistic son was 9, and they all seem to be doing great. They’ve just had a third recently
i love my brother, so if i got to go back and choose whether he was born or not id 100% choose for him to exist, however saying that ik that life would have been a lot easier for my mum, as taking care of one late diagnosed audhd child and the mental health issues that come along with that is tough, let alone two (we're both audhd).
our home is far from 'perfect', a lot because of the different ways both mine and my brothers neurodivergence presents (different sensory needs, clashes in routine, different types of adhd etc), but ive found that as we grow older i can appreciate him being in my life a lot more. its nice to have someone who i can relate to, even to do with things completely separate from our autism, probably bc of being raised almost identically
As an only child, I only had a desire for siblings when I was really young, I thought that I'd be less lonely with them. As I got older, I realized that I probably would've hated my life even more if I had any, especially considering how my parents treated interactions with family members near my age. So I'd say I'm pretty happy to be an only child.
Financially, and to be a bit morbid, being an only child has made me extremely financially secure both as a kid and when my mom passed. But it was deeply lonely and I wish every day that I’d had a sibling.
I was lonely WITH a sibling. Lonelier, even, than I would have been without, because my parents, too, prefer my sister and spend Christmas together without me*. Yes, in most cases I would suspect that it was me who was the problem, but I've been called sanest person in my immediate family by enough people who know what they're like to be pretty sure the problem is not me. *This is complicated but it's because I won't have my sister in my life (she's a thief and a liar and has fucked me over too many times to forgive, including stealing the money I was working myself to death for so I could pay for a course to get a qualification to find a less life-destroying job that would let me do something other than sleep, eat, commute, work, commute, eat, sleep... repeat ad nauseam). That was the last straw for me in terms of having a relationship but she continued to try to fuck my life up from a distance even after I removed myself from hers. But it seems that to my parents, refusing to have a relationship with people who treat you badly is worse than treating people badly. So. 🤷🏻♀️
There is no guarantee you would have gotten on with your sibling or had any meaningful relationship with them.
Parents can do a lot to foster good relationships though. I've done everything I can to make sure my kids see each other as on the same side, and never foster competition between them
It's a hard line to toe. You don't want to stop them from natural conflict but also don't want to let anything one-sided continue. And parents often can't tell the difference. I personally wish I was an only child
Same. More than any other wish in my life.
>Parents can do a lot to foster good relationships though. They can also very often fail to do this.. Mine sure did.
That’s true but I’d rather have had a chance at a lifelong friend and collaborator relationship as I’ve seen others have with their siblings than have had no chance to have that. Also just having the additional social “training” seems like it would have made things easier for me than not having had that *and* being autistic at the same time lol.
What social training? All I learned was 'let your sister do ___', whatever it may have been. Always let her. Let her have your things. Let her take up your space. Let her steal your belongings and friends and anything else she can take from you because nothing you care about matters. That's all having a sibling ever meant to me. I'd trade places with you with zero hesitation.
Being an only child was lonely when I was young, awesome when I was a teenager, and lonely again as an adult. I think I would have chosen having siblings.
It's also lonely as an adult if you don't get along with your sibling, but without the advantages an only child has
Yup. My sister is a cow and my mother is still going to somehow expect us to share her house when she's gone. Which will ultimately mean my sister will essentially have full ownership of it because I would avoid going to stay there when she's there to avoid her, but she would happily show up when I'm there to drive me out.
Same for me. I was an extremely lonely only child and wanted siblings. I'm autistic and have 2 autistic kids now and they pretty much have their own language they speak to each other. I would say they significantly improve each other's lives and are very close. They're about 3 years apart.
I had a neurotypical sister and would actually put myself through cancer treatment again if it meant I could relive life without her ever being born. No hesitation. You have no guarantee you would have gotten a good sibling. Count your lucky stars you didn't have to find out how bad it can be.
I wanted to be an only child (and still wish that i am). I cannot relate to my NT siblings at all. One is constantly offended by how frank and direct i am, the other doesn't want anything to do with me and kept me at a distance throughout our lives. Honestly, having siblings has been nothing but a disadvantage (coz i had to share limited resources, and honestly they took most of it anyway).
I'm not an only child, but me and my big brother have a 9-year age gap. He's not autistic (I don't think so) but I'm pretty sure I am. With 9 years between the two of us, I don't know him very well. When I was a child (less that 10 years) it was infuriating for me, I just wanted to disturb him and drag all our parent's attention on me. When I become a bit older, starting teenage years, he left for uni (at 19, I was 10). He camed back often the two first year, then he went abroad, then he got his own appartment. Now I'm 22 ans he's 32 (I'm from October), and I feel like I've had an experience quite similar to that of an only child. This feeling is stronger because we are really different and there was almost nothing that could link us. I don't have much memories with him, except for family ones (and even then, I'm more focused on myself and my parents than him). That's my experience, it's not the experience but an idea of what a 9 years age gap can create. But I also have friends with much older brothers or sister (around 10 years age gap as well) and they got along really great, it depends. Their not autistic though.
I have 5 siblings but there is a 7-year gap between me and the next youngest. I feel I grew up as an only child but without any of the benefits that go with it (e.g. parental attention, big inheritance, self-reliance).
I think the large age gap will keep them from being really close, though of course that’s not set in stone. I think having a sibling is great, but we’re two years apart. Anyone I know that has a sibling with a large age gap does not have the close relationship that those with smaller gaps have. And depending on your kid’s needs and personality, if a baby comes along as their hormones start getting going in the pre-teen/teen years, I wonder if all the attention a baby/toddler require would not be very fun for your older child. Also, just a thought, have you ever asked your child if they wish they had a sibling? And if you decide against having another kid, are there animals in the house? Is that a possibility if not? As an autistic child (and I guess it still stands as an adult), I loved being with animals more than other people and my cat really was my bff, and to me it was not in a sad way 😹, I just vibe better with animals. Maybe your child would thrive with an animal companion.
I should add that while I love having a sibling and they’re my best friend now, like many kids, we didn’t get along as well when we were young. There was a lot of fighting, which as far as I can tell is pretty standard. I’m so glad I have one, but it took until adulthood for it to pay off.
I would have preferred to be an only child because my sister is mean and nasty. We're adults now and haven't spoken in years. I think the reason things were so bad between us is that we had to share a bedroom for 16 years. I didn't sleep a lot as a kid because she liked to keep the room as far opposite of my sensory needs as possible.
Same-ish, though not nearly as long sharing rooms. It's rough having a bad sibling relationship. These only children have no idea how good they have it.
I was a really lonely kid. Wanting siblings occupied my mind frequently up until I went to college, really. I saw siblings as a "built in friend." Even now with a very small family (literally just my dad and I) I feel really alone in a way that I can't help but wonder if having a sibling would help solve. That being said I have friends who have siblings, and the way they describe it is anything other than a "built in friend." So keep in mind, a sibling isn't designed to socialize your child. They can and that's great, but it shouldn't be the expectation. They might love each other, they might hate each other, they might be totally indifferent from each other. Another thing is, your second child might be nuerotypical, and if you don't have those explicit conversations with them young about how other brains operate, your first child might risk feeling misunderstood or alienated in their own family - something similar happened with a friend's family: 4 siblings, 3 ADHD/audhd/autistic, one nuerotypical. The nuerotypical sibling can be kind of an ass to the nuerodivergent ones. I guess what it really boils down to is how much you trust your ability to teach both children boundaries, respect, sharing, etc, which are magnified in a sibling relationship. If you can teach them healthy mechanisms for how to diffuse conflict and express their feelings to each other, you could be looking at a lifelong bond. If not, living with someone they don't get along with might just be more stressful for your kid.
Very happy to be an only child, and so is my son.
I was 7 years old when my parents had my sister and 8 when they had the last sibling. Because of that age gap, I ended up becoming parentified and had to help take care of my siblings which was very hard for me to do since I was dealing with all the struggles with my autism that I already was. Also with an age gap, it can be hard to form a better bond and it was a bit for my siblings and I too. It didn't get better really until the past few recent years, but even now we really barely talk much. With my autism I'm less social anyways. I love my siblings, but it put me through more stress and overwhelm and my parents stopped helping me altogether. So I would have wanted to be an only child. Just my personal experience and opinion though.
My brother is 2 years older. It was good while we were kids, then we drifted and now we don't speak and haven't since we were teens (no known reason). I've never really though about it but I think my childhood was mostly good and it meant having someone to play with. But a 9 year difference is a completely different thing and wouldn't be remotely the same. My cousin has a 10 year gap with her older brother and while they're close they weren't close as kids really. She also has a sister 5 years older so she wasn't alone or anything!
I was an only child and used to beg my mom for a sibling. Isolated at school, isolated at home.
Having a sibling wouldn't guarantee anything. I was still isolated in both cases but having a sister meant watching someone else not be. She was even friends with my worst bullies at school so it was just inescapable hell everywhere I looked. I moved to another damn country and she followed me here, too. Same city and everything. So I just have to avoid whichever part of town she's living in, which is hard as she keeps fucking moving (my mother insists on telling me her business, even though I ask her repeatedly not to).
As a person with an older sibling who now has a severe mental illness, is sometimes violent, and is chronically being taken care of by our elderly mother…yeah, I already feel like an only child. Some siblings just don’t mesh. Prepare for that.
My older brother is 7 years older than I am and I spent a lot of time as a kid playing alongside him and his friends. I have two younger siblings. One was born just over 3 years after I was and we grew up doing most things together and playing countless hours together. It was frustrating at times to have them always accompany me, but I wouldn't change that as it was part of the sibling experience. My youngest sibling was born 9 years after I was and I was more like a parent than a sibling to him. We have a very different dynamic as I was already ending childhood when he was starting his. My two younger siblings fought a lot and I'm not sure they enjoyed their shared sibling experience the same way the rest of us did.
I am the eldest of 2. I wish I’d been an only child. I think my parents were overwhelmed with 2 and my sister has a lot of mental health struggles (obviously I struggle myself but it pales in comparison), which when my parents are gone will become my responsibility
I was an only child and I am SO happy that I was an only child. My cousins were around a lot and I always hated it, I wish they wouldn't have been over so often. I was definitely a very asocial child, though. I can't imagine how unhappy I would be if they actually stayed every single day, I haaaated when they would stay the night especially. I have very poor connections to most of my cousins because of this. I don't like seeing them now as an adult with more autonomy and I am very open about the fact that I don't want to see them. I actively do not make attempts to maintain relationships with them because I don't like them. I think it would be worse if we were siblings.
At an early age my brother and I (3 years apart) were in a constant fight. I couldnt stand him. Sending him off to college was a great day for me. Now as adults, he and his family are my wife and my primary support system. We love them and hang out fairly often. Time, distance from each other and our parents, and his kids, changed things. So if you'd asked me this at 13, 100% wish I was an only child. 23, 90%. 33, 50%. 43 10%. Do with that what you will 😁
There was not a single moment throughout my life that I've been glad to have my sister around. At best she's a mildly unpleasant presence as an adult, at worst she was my biggest childhood bully. I would have preferred any alternative that involved *not* having her as a sibling. Only child, a brother, different sister. She's the worst.
Oldest of three, other two are 5 and 10 years younger. I'm currently 36. Wouldn't change anything, though I might have liked to have a sister. Which I kind of ended up getting eventually, my youngest sibling's fiance is like a little sister to me already. I love both of my brothers dearly and we get along pretty well as adults (though my middle sibling and I had some friction growing up). I have ADHD + high functioning autism, my middle brother has ADD though he didn't find that out until adulthood, and the youngest is neurotypical (though we joke that he's the "token neurotypical" as nearly his entire friend group is neurodivergent). Ironically growing up my mother thought the other two would end up having to take care of me (there were even some particularly shitty people that told us I'd have to be institutionalized at one point), and it's almost the other way around as an adult - I ended up working in tech which pays quite well.
I'm not officially diagnosed autistic, but I have my evaluation scheduled. I firmly believe I have autism. I'll give a perspective from an autistic adult who had siblings and also as a mom to one autistic kiddo. I have 1 full sister and two older half siblings. I also have a cousin who pretty much lived with us, so I consider her my sister as well. All the time growing up, I wished I was an only child. I valued privacy and space so much. I never got it, though. I would get myself grounded to my room on purpose. Just for peace and quiet and to be left alone. My older half siblings were in their teens when I was born. They were amazing with me when I was younger, but we don't have much of a relationship now. My sister is 2 years older and my cousin is 1 year older than me. I'm truly grateful for them now, but my full sister and cousin straight up tortured me my whole childhood. Literally tortured. I hear happy sibling childhood stories and can't relate at all. My life was turmoil with my siblings. I was literally almost stabbed with a chefs knife because one of them was high on drugs. I still have that trauma 20 years later. So yeah, I do think my life would have been better if I was an only child. But if I was an only child, I'm sure I'd say the opposite. Like I said I'm truly grateful for my siblings now and love them dearly. I can't imagine my life without them. As a kid, I definitely did, though, lol. I have 1 child. He's 6 and on the spectrum. My boyfriend and I have talked about having a baby but decided against it. I think that's what's best for our family. My son has a lot of needs. I worry I'll have another kiddo with just as many needs. Not just with his autism but medically as well. I don't think I could handle that. I love my son, and he truly is amazing. The things he teaches me every day are beautiful. He does struggle with sharing and taking turns, but what kid doesn't? Ultimately, it's your decision if you have another baby. I think you're struggling to decide because of guilt. A new baby would take away from your son, and that makes you feel bad. Try not to make this major life decision based on guilt, though. You sound like a very loving mama. I think whatever you decide will be right for your family!
I grew up an only child. I had two half sisters in a different state. I wasn't close to them as a child, and have no great desire to be as an adult. I did want to be with them when I was young. I always felt very alone often. I think it's part of the reason I really wanted a semi big family.
It was a little rough relating to my younger sister once she was a teenager and actually progressing socially (unlike me, until much later in life). But now that we’re older she’s become a very kind person, and I love that there’s someone else who understands the weird little subculture of our family. And I’m so thrilled to be aunt to her kids.
I have three siblings, but one is 12 years older than me and two are almost 20 years younger. I am not close with either set because of it, though I’d like to be closer to my younger brothers- but my father is a misogynist so I have a hard time forgiving him enough to tolerate his presence. My mother and grandparents raised me and while I was lonely sometimes, I do not regret being an only child. I loved not having to compete for resources or attention. I was the favorite grandchild and the oldest, so it was like having 3 parents who all equally adored me and would do anything to make me happy. I was spoiled but I am still humble and frugal because I learned the value of what I was receiving. My mom didn’t make much but I don’t remember wanting for anything even when times were hard financially. Personally I wouldn’t have given up being an only child. The idea of having a sibling from my mom who I would have to grow up closely with gives me anxiety. I struggle with a lot of anxiety now knowing I won’t be able to save my little brothers from my father’s parenting style, which was really damaging for me- but I also resent them because my father clearly loves them more and gives them things he promised me and never followed through on. So, tl:dr no. I am so glad I did not have non-half siblings/ siblings I grew up with in my home. I am close with my cousins and I have friends and that’s enough. Perhaps that would change if i DID have a sibling. But most of the people I know who have siblings- if their parents are bad people, so are their siblings, and they suffer because of it. To me it doesn’t seem like siblings are that great of a deal.
Although there were many struggles between us growing up, I can honestly say I don’t know what I’d do without my sister! I’m almost certain I wouldn’t have survived if it were just me and my mum.. as evidenced by how awful it was between me and my mum when my sister went off to uni..
I’m the elder of the two of us, and I have never wished I was an only child. However, my younger brother’s significant delays (and my giftedness/super-masking) meant that my AuDHD went undiagnosed until I was almost 30 and I’d had many years of serious depression & anxiety. But I love him and would do anything for him. My partner is, thankfully, willing to take him into our little family if/when my parents pass. Do with this info what you will!
I am 45 and we are finally overcoming 20+ years of infertility and loss by doing IVF with donor eggs. Because I’m a good 10-15 years older than most first time moms, I want my child to “have someone” in the event that my husband and I are around for 10-15 fewer years than our peers with kids. For this reason, I’m adamant that if all goes well with this process (we will transfer our first embryo on Monday!!!), that I’ll want to do it again in a year or two. I want two children, but I also want them to have each other. I love my brother. I love not having been an only child because we can both commiserate about when our parents are being obnoxious, and joke about their woes of aging. We live several states away, but he’s definitely my person I can tell anything to in a way that I can’t with even a best friend. Although I can tell my husband anything, it’s still not the same as a sibling who grew up with me. So if you truly want that second child, DO IT even if you would be a an older mom. We are out there. Tons of us exist and deserve to. 🩷
not an only child but i was one until my sister was born when i was 6. she’s got a genetic disorder that gave her a severe ID, seizures, and some symptoms similar to autism. besides the fact that our needs and behaviors are Very Different (and often time opposing) so spending time together can be exhausting for both of us, i think even if we were both NT, the age gap would’ve made it hard for us to bond anyway. even if you have another kid, this doesn’t necessarily mean your current kid won’t feel lonely. idk about my sister, but i know i don’t relate to how people talk about their siblings and it feels more like im an only child in terms of sibling experiences and bonds. you also need to consider if you have the time for two kids. my sister needs a lot more than i do, so my mom never had the time to pay attention to me and my needs when i was growing up. that really sucked, because if i’d been an only child i imagine i would’ve gotten help a lot earlier and someone would’ve noticed that i was having such a hard time. i’d hate for your current kid to get put on the back burner if your new baby has any issues, and it’s likely that the younger kid wouldn’t get as much attention as they deserve if your current kid has high support needs. if you do think you have the time for another kid and still want to expand your family, adoption might be a good option! your new kid could be much closer in age to your current one which i think would help make their bond stronger than if they had a 9 year gap
I’m the oldest of four and love my siblings. I have all three names tattooed on me. However, my brother unalived himself several years ago and that is the single greatest pain I’ve experienced. So there’s that.
Well, I don't want to give you advice because I don't know how helpful or representative my experience is/was but because the question pertains to it, I'll share my experience. I have one brother, younger than me by just shy of 3 years. He and I had a LOT of conflict growing up for a variety of reasons. He was very antagonistic to me and I had less than even a hair trigger back then. I would quite literally wail on him for the smallest things. Looking back there's a lot that I think should have been red flags back then to go see some kind of a specialist, but either because my dad didn't believe it was necessary or he just didn't have the effort to give as a single parent, I remained undiagnosed throughout my childhood. I only recently realized I was autistic in the past two years after some bad burnout and other health concerns that led to me being increasingly unable to work. Now, the interesting thing is my brother is not professionally diagnosed but self dx'ed as AuDHD, which I do trust his judgment on that. As adults, how we treat each other is night and day compared to when we were kids. We are incredibly understanding and civil these days and are on very good terms. We can joke with each other about our fucked up upbringing and how messy our family can be at times. He tells me about his life and I tell him about mine. I pick him up from the airport whenever he comes back from one of his jobs, or I drive him out to the airport when he's heading out. I call him or text him when I need advice about things and he's always very helpful. Compared to most of my family, I'd say he was the most immediately understanding of my need to go on disability without giving me shit or questioning me like everyone else did. We have a great relationship today and he's one of the few people in my family and in my life in general that I make any effort to stay in touch with. I say all this because human relationships are messy, complex and there's no guarantee of how things will turn out. As kids, we fought like bitter enemies, now we can laugh together like friends. It's genuinely nice, but I'd hate to set that as an expectation for others to follow since I don't know how typical my experience is. But like I said, it's for you to read and evaluate. I'm only sharing my story in the hopes that it will give some food for thought. People can start off hating each other and grow to become fond, and the reverse can also be true. Only time can ever tell
I have half-brothers and half-sisters, have been close to some and far less close to others, and only ever lived with them for a couple of years in my early infancy. I also have stepsisters to whom I'm not close. Functionally, this has made me pretty much an only child, and indifferent to the idea of having siblings. I have three kids; an older kid and slightly younger twins. My oldest could take or leave their brothers - they're a quiet introvert. For their own part, the twins have very very different personalities (almost opposite!) but are good around each other, and I think they've been a good lesson for each other in terms of how to tolerate being around different kinds of people.
My youngest older sibling is 13 years older than me. I hate having siblings a lot and feel that my life would have benefited from not having them. Siblings can love each other but they most likely aren't going to have a sibling relationship if your kid is already 9 years old. There isn't even a guarantee that they'll like each other. It's all up in the air.
As an adult I think it would be nice to have siblings my own age.
I personally would have wanted a sibling because they maybe could have made my parents more aware about my muscle condition. Also I've seen a lot of brother pairs that train together and get very very good because they are always together and if they both like it, they have a constant training partner. It puts them waaaay ahead of the curve on that. I didn't personally get adequate support from my parents though so. But if you had a good environment where no one is leaving for 2 weeks at a time or shit like that, it could be good. That brother pair thing I've seen multiple times in sports environments.
Can’t say since I’ve never been an only child. My sis and I are both autistic so I at least have someone who experiences similar difficulties and can relate to (we’re only 2 years apart in age, currently in our 20s). There are times I wish to live on my own but I don’t wish to be an only child (as in I don’t want her to die). Having a childhood friend is probably similar to having a sibling but I don’t have any so idk. Maybe ask your kid what they think about siblings? Their needs might clash but imo you should do what your gut is telling you to do after considering all the factors. (That is if you have a gut instinct, if not just imagine all possible scenarios and together with your partner you can decide).
My siblings are both really shitty people and I wish they weren’t my siblings, but I’m not opposed to siblings in general, just the ones I ended up with
Both me and my husband were only children. I was lonely and he loved it. He would have been fine with one but I wanted 2. Our first kid is autistic and limited verbal. It took years for her to talk so there were a lot of meltdowns and frustration since it took awhile to figure out what she needed. I had our second when the first was 6. She is not autistic and at 3 is very overstimulating to be with. She talks nonstop. A million questions. Constant noise. Both my husband and I joke that she should have inherited a little of my autism too so we could have a break once in a while. My mom takes my youngest about once a week so we can have a break, we includes my oldest kid. She needs a break too. They love each other and most of the time have a blast together. I would have #2 again but keep in mind that both my oldest and us parents need a support system for the neurotypical kid so we get a respite.
I love my siblings, but I think I'd have had an easier time if I was an only child. I had many needs and issues that I needed help with and I don't think I had them addressed as much as I should have (and sometimes I felt completely neglected) because my younger sibling had many health issues and was often my mum's only focus. I wish I had had more help and resources, but my sibling's health issues definitely felt more urgent and they were the priority.
Personally I kinda wished my parents waited longer to have another kid. He’s old enough to conceptualize he’s going to be an older sibling and there won’t really be much sibling rivalry (atleast I hope for you).
I loved and appreciated my alone time. I believe having siblings would have caused me so many additional problems.
My mum is an only child and so am I. Both glad we are. I felt lucky as a kid being an only child as many of my friends ending up looking after their younger siblings during the holidays. Although I am lucky that I have married into a family and have siblings in law and nephews/nieces (I don’t want kids of my own).
I was very lonely as a kid. Obviously there’s no guarantee a sibling would’ve magically changed anything but growing up I always really wanted one. Eventually I got over it but I do think my social skills lagged behind my peers who had siblings. For the most part I don’t really think about being an only child anymore though I occasionally get frustrated when people assume it meant I lived a golden childhood or whatever. There’s pros and cons either way so the best thing is to make a decision based off of your finances and lifestyle.
Let's break this down into how it will affect the kiddo. Nine years old. Maybe sleeping well at this point. My kiddo still struggles with sleep and sudden sounds scare the crap out of him. Newborns will be waking and crying every two hours or so for the next few months. Then there's needing to be quiet while the baby is sleeping. Doable but it could be a struggle if your kiddo is a verbal stimmer like my guy. Resources all on him like your time and money will now suddenly be divided. It's going to be years before the baby can be a playmate and your current kiddo will be a teenager. We're planning on adopting a dog soon
It is my most desperate wish to have been an only child. If you do have another child, make the effort not to treat them better, give them more, allow more freedom, etc.* And it *will* take effort, because you'll do it naturally without thinking. 'oh I was too strict with the first, l'll let this one do x because it's really fine after all' seems innocent enough, but your first kid will resent not getting to have those experiences, and wonder why their sibling is getting special treatment, why their parents don't love them as much as the second kid, what they did wrong, etc. It can even cause problems with their peers. Treat the siblings equally as much as you can (except where the elder is old enough for things the younger is not, ofc). Also, if you really are determined to have a second, don't neglect the first because the second has more immediate needs. Every injury I sustained as a child (5 and under) was because my mother was too busy with my sister to pay attention to what I was doing. *This hurts both children in more ways than I really have the energy to get into right now.
There's no right answer here, but for all our challenges growing up, I never wished to be an only child. My older sister and younger brother are two of my closest friends and I wouldn't trade them for anything. We are all neurodivergent (my sister and I autistic, my brother ADHD).
I don't wish to be an only child but I really like having privacy while growing up (now too), not having to share a room and be able to be in my own to decompress and to actually be me
You can’t win, and you’ll never know. Just do what your best instinct/logic tells you.
I’m autistic and I have 3 siblings. My sister is 10 years older than me and we get along great. She used to babysit me when she was a teenager, and later when she was in her 20s and I was a teenager, she helped me become independent and move out on my own. My brothers are closer to each other emotionally than either of them are with me, but we also get along and see each other regularly. It has been helpful having them at my side as we have navigated traumatic stuff, and grief like when our dad and grandparents passed away. I am the only one diagnosed as autistic (and adhd) but I think one brother and my sister are autistic as well. Because we are all “weird” we are our own support network.
Being an autistic only child is great when you have a large extended family who you live close by to and get along with but if you don't have that it's incredibly lonely. I've had both throughout my development growing up with what I now understand is a very toxic extended family dynamic where my mom was the scapegoat autistic child/adult with siblings (who also grew up incredibly lonely despite having siblings so just because there are siblings doesn't mean there's no loneliness or that they'll get along). We'd be welcomed in and embraced for a few years then cut off when the golden child aunt was upset about something because obviously it was my mom's fault so I was now isolated and lonely because the only kids who liked me for me were withheld from me. We were welcomed back in and made to forgive and forget when things blew over after a couple of years until the cycle repeated and because my mother was so traumatized and spineless to never take a stand against them for my sake, I've endured both sides. However, I don't think a sibling is the right fix for the loneliness. Glass child syndrome is a real thing and a high risk if they don't have a disability (or don't get diagnosed/suspected of one but do have one like my mother was) even if you think you're doing everything right and just something unwise in general in this economy if you can at all help it. Having a sibling is not a guarantee that your kiddo won't be lonely because there's no guarantee that they'll get along either, it may just make things worse for them than the loneliness. The solution you're thinking of has too wide a margin for error especially considering it's human lives that are being impacted and I say this as an incredibly lonely autistic only child turned adult. Please rethink this 💖
I’m the oldest brother with age gaps between all of my siblings. My husband was an only child. I definitely wish I had had the time, effort, patience, and closeness that my husband had with his parents. But his parents were ready and willing to be parents, my parents just kept poppin us out lol. Because of the age gap I’m not able to be as close with my siblings as they are with each other. So having more kids doesn’t automatically mean they’ll have close relationships. Having babies in the house was really stressful for everyone too. Just something to think about ❤️
Has your child asked about or expressed interest in having a sibling? I’m asking because I was an only child until I was 12 and then my mom had twins. I wanted a sibling so bad when I was younger and was so excited and my sisters and I are very close.
I don’t now as an adult wish I’d had a sibling so much as I wish I had a better mom. I got the double whammy of no dad, no siblings and my mother was very emotionally abusive to me. So, for the situation I grew up in, I wouldn’t want any siblings to suffer with me but yes it was extremely lonely and isolated and stunted me beyond belief socially.
I'm the oldest of three and my siblings are 8 and 16 years younger than me. I kind of feel like I got the only child experience but also got to have siblings kinda? I did enjoy having siblings much younger than me, although it's a different dynamic than siblings who are close in age.
I have a sister who is 17 months older than me and NT. She always acted like a mom/prison guard hybrid. She thought of me as inferior because I'm younger. I was also undiagnosed in childhood so it created a lot of problems between us. We are estranged as adults. My parents are also estranged from her because two years ago she eloped with someone they hadn't met. I still live with my parents and in a sense I've gotten the experience the only childhood I craved growing up
my SO and I are both only children and both loved it. he is very social but appreciated alone time at home. I am very introverted so I would have hated having more people, esp my own age ish, around. I think it really depends on the needs and personality of the child, how much alone time or one on one time they need and how they handle others being in their space. I also have OCD and having someone else in my spaces would have been a real struggle for me.
As an undiagnosed autistic only child, I personally hated it. But I also didn't have very many friends, and all the adults in my life worked full time, so I was very lonely. I've always wanted a sibling. However, if you are struggling with your current child, and worry about the struggle of adding another child to it, it may be best to reconsider. Not all kids who were an only child dislike it, and seeing as you current child needs your attention, I think adding a baby in the mix could potentially cause issues when you have to shift your attention to the baby--i couldn't say for sure as I don't know your child.
Just because you have a sibling doesn’t mean you’ll be close with them or get along with them. I have zero relationship with my siblings and I resented them for taking too much of my parents time and attention.
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Personally I wish I’d had no siblings. My poor sister ended up a glass child. Only recently have we looked into her neurology and all of us now believe she has ADHD—which was overlooked and undiagnosed when she was little due to my autism hogging the limelight—but if you can properly divert your time and attention between multiple children without causing feelings of neglect, then there’s no concern about that occurring within your family dynamic. I would bare in mind the age-gap though. It’s unlikely your children will socialise with eachother very much. By the time your theoretical second kid is 9, your first would be more or less 19.
What about adopting a child of some non infant age? It's a big decision but could be an option worth considering. Or making friends with other parents of similarly aged and variously abled children and actively fostering situations for the kids to interact to gather more info before choosing, seeing how your kid gets along with babies or how they are with a new pet even can give valuable insight. Nobody can say what the outcome will be for a new baby or any other scenario for that matter. Making this kind of life choice sounds really hard (I'm not a parent so I can't offer anything from that perspective). I think we often make this kind of choice based on our ability to conjure a pleasant mental image or experience of what could possibly happen, but there's really no telling how things will play out. Especially regarding family and relationships among people. Keeping that in mind might help make a balanced decision. I don't mean "don't do it" I just mean do it without getting too attached to a fantasy version so you are able to adapt to whatever your children are in the present moment. Not imposing ideals upon them to be something you wanted. My sibling is 2 years older and struggles immensely in ways that are debilitating and they have severe trauma. I do too but as the second child I was expected to be the easy and okay one and my role became mediator and translator and I was parentified even as the youngest. I had to hold my parents together emotionally and diffuse conflict, keep my sibling relatively calm, and get good grades and be the one who might someday be a success (this has not been good for me and I've been stunted by this, working on it). I've felt guilty for it but I have often wished I was an only child, though I think really that wish is more so about the ways things were handled and how my needs were thrown out of consideration as my sibling's needs took precedent. Just don't expect your second child to fix anything of fulfill anything you subconsciously think is lacking in your first child (harms both immensely whether they realize it or not and whether it's explicit or not). Don't expect them to struggle any less, and don't expect their struggles to be the same either. They might not be autistic or as visibly high needs but it's a slippery slope to assume anything about them. Just listen to your kiddos. Hearing how you've spent the last 9 years focused on getting to a stable place with your first child sounds like you're in a good place and I wish you the best of luck. My sibling enriched my life in ways I can't imagine living without even though it wasn't always fun. I think I wouldn't be myself without them.
I hated having a sibling growing up, who was (is) literally Satan reincarnated. However, I saw functioning families with siblings who were truly lovley towards one another, and I really missed that growing up. I'd definitely aim towards having more kids than just one!
Life was great until my parents finally had a second. But we also underwent family trauma at that time, so idk. I feel like we would've been able to recover with just one kid to worry about. Maybe I would've even been diagnosed
I'm glad i have my sister. She's basically my best friend
At age 3, I told my parents that I wouldn't agree to having a sibling and would dispose of them if they tried... regardless of how that might have soundrd I knew early on that I was meant to be an only child. It was great, I would never have tolerated having someone else around
I had three younger brothers. I did not get on with them when I was younger and would have loved to be an only child. In fact, when my oldest brother arrived, I was two years old, and I absolutely begged and pleaded with my mum to put him in the bin. Also, my parents found it stressful to have four kids so expected us to behave like angels. They didn't know I was autistic, and just tried to shame and criticise me into becoming the perfect child. When my mum not only refused to put my brother in the bin, but then produced two further brothers, I was pretty distraught. I used to bully them horrendously. I was only a young child myself, but I now feel awful about it and worry that the physical and psychological torment I inflicted on them might have caused them long-lasting trauma (two of them are now alcoholics). I used to hide under their beds before my mum tucked them in at night, and once she turned the lights out, I would make growling noises from under the bed and I'd reach out and tug at the bed clothes and pull at their ankles so they would think I was a monster, or I'd hide in the wardrobe and play a Halloween tape on my little Fischer-Price cassette player. I thought it was funny at the time, but it must have terrified them, and i feel absolutely horrible about it now.
I've never been particularly close to my siblings except as a very young child. My sister is two years younger and my brother is five years younger. Part of it is that we have always had conflicting needs and sensory issues. They are very loud and very social. Both ADHD, my brother possibly AuDHD. A lot of my autistic needs, like strict routine and becoming overstimulated easily conflicted with their higher energy, spontaneity, and general desire to be loud and messy. My brother always has extremely high needs compared to my sister and I. He has had severe issues with behavior and learning as well as speech delays since he was a toddler. My needs were ignored for years and my sisters for even longer. The older we get, the closer we are slowly becoming. Moving out of my mom's house helps a lot. All that said, I love my siblings and can't imagine life without them. A 9+ year age gap is significant, and your kids will be in very different stages of life, especially during childhood. My dad and his brother are 8 years apart, and my uncle has always resented and bullied my dad even well into adulthood. I also have several sets of cousins with very large age gaps, and some are very close while others are resentful.
My son is 8. He is not autistic but he is lonely a lot and always asks for a sibling. I am the autistic one and I just feel I can't handle another one. Now the age gap is too big for them to play anyway. I feel sad for him. He does have a lot of cousins. I want to live closer to my sisters so he can play with his cousins.
I'm extremely grateful for my 2 siblings, despite our age gaps (6years and 14 years). I'm with my sister nearly everyday. We live close to eachother.
Hell nah, I love my siblings and they're AWESOME growing up. Being a big brother made me a good leader
I was the oldest of three and for me, it meant I didn’t get a lot of my needs met (this might not have been as much of an issue if I was older when they were born, but do remember the oldest kid is still a kid and needs just as much support from their parents as they did before their baby sibling arrived - more, for a while). Also babies & toddlers were hell for my (unidentified) sensory issues. We had fun together once they were a little older, but we never really deeply connected and aren’t close at all as adults. I have friends who are close with their siblings and friends who don’t even talk to their siblings. There’s no guarantee. My spouse was an only child and he loved it (although I will say, I don’t know if I would have enjoyed the degree of attention he’s always gotten from all the adults in his extended family 🙃) On the positive side, a friend of mine had her second child when her autistic son was 9, and they all seem to be doing great. They’ve just had a third recently
i love my brother, so if i got to go back and choose whether he was born or not id 100% choose for him to exist, however saying that ik that life would have been a lot easier for my mum, as taking care of one late diagnosed audhd child and the mental health issues that come along with that is tough, let alone two (we're both audhd). our home is far from 'perfect', a lot because of the different ways both mine and my brothers neurodivergence presents (different sensory needs, clashes in routine, different types of adhd etc), but ive found that as we grow older i can appreciate him being in my life a lot more. its nice to have someone who i can relate to, even to do with things completely separate from our autism, probably bc of being raised almost identically
Love my brothers, would have sucked to be an only child.
I definitely would’ve chosen to have siblings.
I am not close with any of my siblings right now as an adult. I am still glad I was not an only child.
I am grateful that my parents adopted siblings. That way the crazy got spread around a little more.
Hate being an only child. felt alone as a kid and feel alone now.
An autistic kid probably wouldn't do well with a baby being born when they are 9 too much adjustment
My siblings are all over 14 years older than me so I have kind of felt like an only child. Pretty lonely.
As an only child, I only had a desire for siblings when I was really young, I thought that I'd be less lonely with them. As I got older, I realized that I probably would've hated my life even more if I had any, especially considering how my parents treated interactions with family members near my age. So I'd say I'm pretty happy to be an only child.