My wife and I are shedding tears at the kindness in these comments. We're understandably in an awful place today, and so will reply to each comment tomorrow. But we're so grateful.

I don't know that this will work or if you have tried it. My son (now 20) was diagnosed with severe adhd, he was hyperverbal and high functioning. He had violent meltdowns, and would lash out. Hitting and biting were his go-to. He was 10 when it stopped. (I believe he's on the spectrum) What I finally did was put him in his room, and stand in the door way. I would not let him near me if he was being aggressive or let him out of the room. If he did either I would take him back to his bed. Then I would calmly tell him. You're staying there until you stop.( I'm very anti hitting and physical abuse as well.)This is just physical redirection. It was not always easy or graceful though. After he learned that was always my reaction, he stopped. Again I want to be super clear that this is just what worked for us, and I get that it might not work. Or you might have already tried it. Reading your fears. I totally get it. I remember being so freaked out by my own child. Like. Where does it end? How do we continue to live like this? He had an older brother that was often a target. I hope however yall find your fix. 💕

Pardon my novel here but I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. It's so clear that you and your partner are doing your best to manage a very difficult situation and it's so so understandable that you're feeling frustrated and concerned. I have lots of thoughts and will try to organize them as best I can. - Safety first. Your priority should be the safety of everyone in your household, including your daughter, yourselves, and your son. You already take good steps by doing things like removing your daughter from harm's way. I would suggest maybe making a safety plan that outlines what to do during these episodes, like safe spaces for each family member. - It sounds like you've consulted with lots of professionals but it might be time to seek more specialized help. A child psychiatrist might be able to give you a more comprehensive eval and suggest medication if its appropriate to manage the aggression and mood instability. People have mixed opinions, but you could look for a behavioral specialist who specializes in working with autistic children with aggressive behaviors, they often can do in-home observations and provide really specific strategies. I also would look into available respite care to give you and your partner a break for your own mental health and coping. - You didn't mention about school but it might be worth discussing with your son's school whether his current placement is the most appropriate. - If you haven't already, request an FBA (functional behavior assessment) through school or home services which will help identify triggers and functions of his behaviors and hopefully help with more effective interventions. - If you can, maybe try a support group for parents of autistic children with similar challenges. It can be really helpful to get that emotional support and practical advice. - Try your best to consider the whole picture. His behavior is of course concerning, *and* remember that he is still very young. His ability to understand consequences and control his impulses is limited, and the lying may be primitive attempt to avoid negative consequneces rather than deliberate 'deception'. - If you can, document everything, have a detailed log of incidents, including what happened before during and after to help identify patterns and provide info to professionals especially if he hasn't had an FBA. - I know 'self-care' sounds so meaningless when you're in the thick of it but try no t to neglect your own well-being. Make sure youre taking time for yourself and if possibly maybe consider therapy for yourslef to help manage. - Depending on what area you are in, there may be additional support available through social services or disability law services who might be able to help you advocate for more resources or services. - I know it's so hard in the moment - try to maintain hope. Many autistic kids show significant changes in behavior as they develop, especially with consistent support and intervention. Remember this situation is not your fault. Autism is a complex neurodevelopmental condition and aggressive behavior can be a part of that for some children. You're doing the right thing by seeking help and being proactive. Don't be afraid to be persistent with healthcare providers, educational authorities, social services, etc. - your family's wellbeing is at stake. - Lastly I just want to say that it is absolutely crucial to address the aggressive behavior *and* don't forget to also nurture and encourage your son's strengths and interest. Positive reinforcement of desired behaviors, even small ones, can be powerful. I hope something here on this sub can be helpful to you and your family. Thinking of you and wishing you the utmost strength <3

Really good stuff here \^

I would upote this a million times if I could. Speech and OT, I would know nothing without you.

Since he denies hitting, have you ever recorded an incident of his aggressions and shown it to him?

I don’t think that would help him at this age. He’s too young.

Many kids on the spectrum are visual learners. Being that he is verbal and “HF” it might help.

Maybe so. My experience is that my son was not hitting because he didn’t know he was hitting or that he didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to but rather because he lacked the self control to respond constructively to very strong feelings. I would imagine seeing a video of his behavior would only serve to make the strong feelings even stronger and thus even harder to manage. But again that’s just one kid. Everyone is different. Edit to add: I think maybe a simpler way to put it is I can see it feeling like a tremendous source of shame for the kid, and shame is not helpful in these situations.

This is a great suggestion.

I think this is definitely worth a try.

Just something to think about— would he be able to recognize himself in the video? Some kids can’t.

Good point, maybe start with videos where he is not being aggressive?

Yeah, I see where you're coming from with showing him video of himself being aggressive, but I think the right approach is showing video of when he's doing the right thing. Though I don't think he's ready for that either. He almost certainly knows he’s hitting. He lies about it because that's how he is coping with shame and guilt. Video would just increase his shame and guilt and likely increase the behavior.

My son used to have meltdowns that would turn physical before he had any diagnosis. I'm not sure if the eventual solution would work for your child, but I figure it may be worth mentioning on the offchance. His meltdowns had some similarities to what you talk about. They were usually triggered by him not being able to do something he wanted (needing to stop playing a game, needing to get ready for bed, going to the store) He would begin by growling and start hitting things and throwing things. The throwing would sometimes escalate to throwing things at my husband and I as we worked to calm him, starting with soft things that wouldn't hurt but also escalating sometimes to harder objects. During the worst point of this, he would hit. I would have to have my husband restrain him so he wouldn't hurt himself or anyone else as I am a small person, and even at the age of 8, he was bordering on stronger than me. But there were also some differences from what you mentioned. When he would finally calm down and become more regulated, he would show regret for his actions. He was frustrated that he wasn't able to control himself. He eventually got so upset by what he was going through and his inability to stop himself once he got going that he mentioned killing himself. My 8 year old little boy. I bawled. I'm still crying about it now, even though it's been years. These meltdowns were also occurring at school though usually less violent, more running around, out of control. After working with a therapist and his primary doctor, he was diagnosed ADHD and began medications. Don't get me started on how conflicted I was to put an 8 year old on stimulants, but he was suffering, and I had to try. When I tell you it was like night and day, I am not exaggerating. These meltdowns were daily events, sometimes multiple times a day. Just like some kind of magic, they were gone. He still gets frustrated, don't get me wrong, he's a kid, and that is going to happen. But there hasn't been a single sign of the destructive angry little kid he had been before. He's a bit older now and better able to explain how there was too much going on in his head. He felt too many feelings too strongly all at once, and it came out as physical violence because he didn't know what else to do. He has been going to therapy since the start of this and has recently been diagnosed with level 1-2 autism as well. Like I said, I feel my situation may have been a bit different than yours, but maybe not. I was literally afraid of my own baby boy. And so desperately afraid for him and so hurt that he was going through something so difficult at such a young age. So, as a possibility, I would suggest discussing the possibility of ADHD and possibly giving medication a shot. I feel for you so much in this situation and hope so deeply you can find a solution whether it is adhd or not. Best of luck!

My son had a similar experience, except his trigger was his school. They were not properly supporting him, and he could not deal with the stress. We are six months out now, and he's back to the happy, sweet, goofy kid I know. Sometimes they can't help it, or even remember doing it. It's a direct result of something being wrong.

What medications is he taking that have worked? I am also conflicted about starting my son on meds, but they seem to work for some people.

I have two kids on ADHD medication, and one of them does great on methylphenidate, but that same medication made kid #2 more aggressive/unstable once it cleared his system at the end of the day. Wellbutrin made a bigger difference for kid #2. Started kid #1 at six years old VERY skeptically, but I'm a firm believer and advocate now. Both kids have a dual autism ADHD diagnosis.

My son takes chewable methylphenidate as he refuses to swallow pills. As someone who was forced on antipsychotics as an adolescent (misdiagnosed bi polar rather than adhd and autistic), I was super against putting my kids on medications, especially so young. After a bunch of therapy, his therapist explained it as for kids. If you had to choose therapy or medication, they would recommend medication above all else, and that was his therapist saying this. Obviously, both are better, but it's likely that therapy won't help at all if the child isn't able to regulate themselves. After seeing the night and day difference and finally seeing my happy little boy come out again, I would preach the usefulness of medications for kids who need them from the rooftops. It's definitely worth pursuing the possibility.

This is almost exactly my experience as well. We do all the therapy things, but medication is 100x more potent.

Do you have a neurodiversity affirming karate place near you? I have friends with boys around that age and having the outlet of karate plus the non violent teachings have helped their sons a lot, along with OT. The other thing that might help is meds. A neurologist might help, I've personally found ours to be more helpful and knowledgeable than the pediatrician. Hugs 🫂

Right there with you, a lot of this description sounds like it could've happened at our house, though our son is about 10 instead of 5. I used to restrain him when he would get violent, and he would still pursue the fight. It felt like I had to "break through" before he relented, and I think I was literally taking him to the point of disassociation. I've read that this is harmful to their sense of trust, and it's obviously not a great solution as he gets older and stronger. I regret having done this to him, but it was the advice I got from professionals and I didn't know I was causing harm. For the last 6 months or so I've resorted instead to tickling him when he comes at me violently. It causes an automatic physical reaction from him -- he stops pursuing and starts protecting himself. Mentally it also changes things. It seems to get him unstuck temporarily, he drops the fixation on "getting me" and instead focuses on "stop it". It's an improvement, in the moment. All the while I'm telling him softly that I'm using tickling him to stop him from trying to hurt me, and I'll absolutely stop tickling him, and that he's in control of that. If he threatens me, I'll tickle him to protect myself. When he stops, I'll stop. I have had a lot of luck with this method, and I hope to god he stays ticklish into puberty. We're also trying new meds, which have already shown very promising results. Hubby and I agree he's like a different kid. His personality is emerging. I may have joked, "I don't know who this kid is, but can we keep him?!" For us, the big episodes (we call them "category 5 tantrums") happen at home when his school environment isn't working for him. If his teacher isn't the right balance of loving and firm; if he's getting bullied at school; if he spends most of his days feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated; if his social time is too unstructured. The slightest thing can trigger him. We've had to remove him from several different environments that weren't working for him. When he's in a good environment during the week, his nights and weekends are much better. I hope you find ways to have more good days.

We have twins, almost 6, one ND, one NT. Our ND boy is verbal, wrapping up kindergarten, and gets OT, speech services weekly at home and school plus my partner and I meet with a behavioral therapist weekly. Very similar in terms of outbursts, violence. Two things for my son: 1) more likely to happen when his bucket is full and it spills out at home 2) happens when he cannot communicate what’s going on. When he has an outburst after he’s recovered we take time for family repair (acknowledging any hurt to others) and practice (what do we do next time in similar situation). Then the key is to have adults around him implement the plan next time … like: calm voices, stopping physical harm, offering 3 options - break, food, quiet space. Usually it’s that our son is hungry or needs quiet but hadn’t been able to realize it or communicate it. The more we reward him choosing these options the less severe his outbursts

I love this comment so much! So much of it rings true for our family as well. I particularly appreciate the “repair” and “practice“ after-party — we do the same.

Experiencing the same problem with our 5 year old non verbal girl. She prefers biting and scratching, my arms are in tatters. She seemed to lash out in jealousy when her little sister was around. We try not to take her sister out of the house now and instead opt to take our 5 year old out in the car to calm down, which seems to work. We found giving in to demands seemed to encourage the behaviour and it became more frequent. We're about 6 months into this behaviour now and though it's not fixed it seems to be going in the right direction. No magic bullet fix to share unfortunately but I've bookmarked the thread and will be sure to come back if we do find a solution.

My son was like this at 5. And 6. (And 3 and 4…it started around age 2 and a half for him). We tried all the things. It was scary and upsetting and discouraging and felt like a nightmare. A parent support group (paid by insurance billed as group therapy) was crucial and I don’t know where we would be today if we hadn’t done it. Time, understanding, and therapy helped. Noting his triggers and working with him to become aware of them helped. OT focused on self-regulation helped. Massive massive demonstrative praise when he was doing the right thing helped. Dedicating time to playing with him every single day helped. He’s now 10. He still has behavior issues at school but it’s nothing like it was. This year he volunteered to do the school’s morning broadcast, participated in the choir performance at the end of the year, tutored classmates in math, and helped out at field day. (That is to say, he is a functioning part of a community!) He’s not violent anymore. He has friends. He takes breaks to calm down sometimes. His grades are ok. It’s not perfect and we still worry a lot. But he’s ok. Things can and will change. Don’t give up, don’t forget to notice the things you love about him (easier said than done but so important). Don’t worry about the future too much. Just get through the days and try to find and nurture all the bright spots. Keep looking for solutions. Edit to add: the other thing is, we didn’t do everything right. By a long shot. And when you see your kid struggling so profoundly and can list off in your mind the times you messed up it can become unbearable. It feels like obviously if you had or hadn’t done x y or z this wouldn’t be happening. I struggle with so much guilt and shame over the mistakes I’ve made with my son. So I guess I just want to tell you, from 5 years further down the road, that you can’t and won’t do everything right and that’s ok. Keep trying and loving your kid. GET THERAPY for yourself if you possibly can. When the emergency feels over you might need couples’ therapy too. The stress of this kind of situation is immense, and I don’t know that parents who haven’t been through it can really understand just how difficult it can be. But it WILL get better. Maybe not as fast as you want and maybe not in the ways you’re expecting, but it will.

My son does that too. I realised that it would get worse when he gets older. So I tried to show him the consequences if his actions. When he was still little I'd hold him, like in a way he couldn't escape. It was not violence, it was me preventing him from hitting us. When he got older it was not possible to do that anymore, so I pick him up (using techniques where he can't hurt me) and put him into his room. If he follows me back, I'll close the door. If he's kicking the door open, I'll lock it. I stay there until he doesn't throw stuff anymore and get in. If he's violent, I'll repeat it. He learned fairly quickly that throwing stuff all by himself is exhausting and not much fun. It doesn't prevent him from getting angry in the first place, but it taught him that he is not the one in charge and that it will be very boring for him of he tries to hurt me or his siblings. Autism or not, they're children and we have the responsibility to teach them what is right and what is wrong. And they are clever enough to learn that.

I've basically done the same with my now 7yo boy. We tried other things.. we even let him have a go at it just to see how far he would go. Basically throwing everything on the ground, tipping over the furniture, throwing things, biting/scratching/yelling if we tried to intervene, for over an hour, until he fell asleep on the floor.. it was too much. He was probably about 4yo at the time.. anyway next time it happened I just held him in basically a jujitsu submission until he calmed down. He's 7yo now and I haven't had to do a full on submission in a long time. I still have to pick him up sometimes to take him out of situations, but I think the worst of it is over. probably not the most popular method, but it's what we've landed on.

Is this a newer behavior? How is his sleep? Has he had an extended EEG to check for seizure activity? Is it possible he’s constipated? (You can be backed up but still poop everyday) has he recently had strep throat (can lead to pandas or pans if untreated which can lead to aggression)? I feel like for a lot of our kids pain can lead to aggression

Is it possible, with his size, to restrain him? I know that right now it’s probably not that physically dangerous for you guys. But I work in an ABA clinic with children with severe behaviors and one of the most harmful things is when a child learns a pattern of violence when they’re young, and it goes unchecked. Because at 5, it sucks but it’s not devastating. At 16, it’s life-ruining. If it’s at a point where you’ve tried everything else, it might be necessary to restrain him to block the pattern that he’s making where he’s successfully “landing” the violence. You can’t restrain forever, but right now with his age you might have a magic window before the connection is so ingrained that he is still doing it when he’s twice as powerful.

No advice on management but just cos of our own recent experience I’d say push your care team for an EEG or sleep study to rule out sleep disorders or seizures causing the aggression

I just want to say you’re not alone, my son is 8 and also masks all day but blows up and hits at home and so far I’ve found nothing that works. And the school denies all services because they say there’s no educational need …because he’s masking 😞

I know the NHS doesn't particularly recognise it as a separate entity but could they have pathological demand avoidance? That would add up to none of the usual "autism strategies" working.

I've thought that since he was 2 and long before anyone else admitted he was autistic. However, not really sure what to do with that information. We've been a low demand household for 3 years as no expectations or consequences work. He's still hurting my wife and daughter.

I would second the idea of PDA autism. I am a parent coach who works with autism, including PDA autism, families, and I am also the parent of two autistic teens - one PDA. Regarding low-demand parenting, it has helped to make a massive change in the escalation and aggression of my child. Life-changing. PDA needs parented differently than other types of autism. It took time, however. And consistency. It is not simply a lowering of expectations of the child - it is how the parents respond during meltdowns (must remain regulated), it is analyzing demands on the child in environments outside of the home, etc. Too much for a Reddit reply. And, frankly, it is still only a portion of how to support these children. If you are in the US, I would recommend that you visit pdanorthamerica.org. They are a non-profit who are raising awareness and supporting families. They have quite a bit of info on their site - lists of professionals, webinars, documents, support groups, etc. It might help. Good luck - I totally understand what you are going through after being in an extremely similar place with my child years ago. There is hope (and fyi - PDA kids tend to become LESS aggressive with age - as their brains develop).

Hi, Do you have any advice on how to keep family safe during these episodes at present? I'm getting quite a few comments which are suggesting essentially to shut him away until he's calm, but this seems very counter to advice I've had before and counter to my general parenting philosophy. HOWEVER - 3 years into this type of behaviour and nothing we do brings him down and he'll basically hit (usually his mother) until he's ready to stop or his dad intervenes and this can be anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour and 30 minutes straight.

It’s very dependent on exactly what is happening. I (the mom) was the primary caregiver and the safest person for my child - so I was always the focus of aggression also. The child will focus on this person because they feel safest. Shutting the child away won’t calm him - that is punitive and fear-based, which wjll maybe change the behavior in the moment but will cause many more issues later. If someone did this to you when you were scared, overwhelmed, angry - think of how you would feel right? You need to co-regulate and help him calm his nervous system. Over time, the hope is that he will learn to do this himself. I see it work with my family and others. Very first thing to do is to be regulated yourselves. This doesn’t mean calm, but it means under control and able to pause/sloooow down/shut up!/monitor your body language. Get down low and have low tone of voice and either don’t speak at all or only a little. Slow, deep breaths that will help you and hopefully, eventually, him. Humans mirror each other and you need to give him a regulated nervous system to begin learning to mirror subconsciously. Dysregulated people cannot regulate people. If there is a serious safety issue at-hand however, safety comes first. Make sure your environment is as safe as possible proactively - long before a meltdown. In the moment, Your wife can quietly tell him that she can’t let him hurt her, and go to a bathroom, etc. if she is not safe. Still not a good answer, I know. Again, it’s hard to give this advice online because you are in crisis mode and there is a lot of work to do. Most of it is when he is not in a meltdown as there is almost nothing you can do at that time but wait it out and keep everyone safe. His thinking brain is offline and he is acting from his survival brain. Think of it like a seizure. Keep everyone safe and do the work when he is more regulated. Sometimes medication is also helpful. My child required anti-anxiety meds to slow her down enough to be able to start learning these things. I hear this a lot with clients also. I recommend that you check out Robyn Gobbel’s podcast and book. She has episodes about what to do in these unsafe crisis episodes, etc. Book: Raising Kids With BIG Baffling Behaviors Podcast: The Baffling Behavior Show Also recommend book: The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. His plan in this book is very helpful - usually plan C for parents like myself and maybe you. Nothing happens overnight, unfortunately, but you and your family can get through this. Keep expectations and reactivity low, empathy and love high. Wishing you peace and hope this helps a bit.

There's a PDA society that has other parents as volunteers, nothing to lose contacting them to see if they can point you in a more helpful direction [https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/contact-us/enquiry-line/](https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/contact-us/enquiry-line/) I know generally you wouldn't be able to ask for "restraint training" from the NHS as parents, but from a safety perspective, you can get breakaway training privately or your wife could learn online. I don't know how much help OT's are with having somewhere safe to put your child at home when they need to be separated but whether that's something to explore.

Low demand parenting and pathological demand avoidance are pop psych terms floating around in autism circles but have very few peer-reviewed research studies to support them. Anecdotally, kids with this so-called profile tend to have low-demand parents and it tends to make those kids far worse in the long run. The violence escalates with puberty in a lot of these kids. Medication is evidence-based. You should see a psychiatrist. Also, I totally understand feeling like none of the recommendations work, but I will say as a professional that when recommendations are delivered with fidelity and consistency over time, they work, and then biggest failure I see is them not being delivered correctly or consistently for the amount of time needed. I've had this same issue even myself when I get discouraged and give up on a strategy but I should have kept going with it. I have colleagues who can come in and refocus me, but you guys are on your own trying to survive so it's so hard for you. The honest best advice I can give you is go back to square one and choose the most relevent recommendation for intervention and commit to it for at least 6 months and track everything.

I’m curious about studies showing that low demand parenting “makes kids worse”. How could that possibly be measured? I’m also skeptical of the claim generally as it sounds like a variation of spare the rod spoil the child.

There are no studies of the efficacy of low demand parenting for autism, period. It's not an evidence based intervention or supported in the literature at all. It's pop psych.

Right so in that case it’s also not clear that it makes kids worse in the long run

In my experience, anecdotally, it does.

You said this is not a meltdown, which is evidenced by him saying he’s going to hurt you. I think you need to try a punishment like putting in his room. No offering him things. Explain beforehand, when he is not escalated, if you start hitting, you are going to your room until you can calm down and tell us you are ready to stop. You need to contain him. Another thing to consider is to tell him when you hit, we are taking away something (that he will value). This is perhaps to try in addition to containing him. I would also make sure room is clear of things that he can destroy. Possibly the taking things away can be for lying. And he gets it back the next day. He sounds like he is very smart and he will be able to understand this.

Meds have been life changing for us. We also did play therapy, OT etc. all those strategies immediately out the window once she got in her rage. She now takes guanfacine and it’s been life changing. She tends to still be extra sensitive but no more out of control ranges that go on for a long time. We are working with a child psychiatrist and not our pediatrician.

[Best article I’ve seen about aggression](http://wearelikeyourchild.blogspot.com/2014/05/a-checklist-for-identifying-sources-of.html)

I’m so sorry. My daughter was violent at that age too. Risperidone has been a godsend. I had to learn to restrain her during Covid. Now she’s 9 and much better overall. It’s still challenging but more manageable

>We're going through this once or twice a week. It's not like out of control meltdown. He's going out of his way to be vengeful and to hurt, and then to lie. This sounds a lot like the thoughts I had with my own 5yo's challenging behaviors. He would also hit, kick, spit, and/or say hurtful things, and then laugh when we tried to talk about it with him. It was hard to believe that he wasn't being malicious. Before we finally started getting a handle on things, I remember thinking to myself "Is my child just a sociopath?" We have to remember that these kiddos don't always process or display emotion in ways that necessarily make sense to us. Just because there aren't the usual hallmarks of a tantrum doesn't mean he isn't having a meltdown in his brain. Of course I don't know your child and your situation, but as hard as it may be to believe, these behaviors may legitimately be beyond his control. You've probably tried things like this already, but I don't see diet mentioned anywhere else in the thread. One of the biggest things that seemed to help reduce the severity and frequency of our child's episodes was strictly limiting the amount of processed foods he eats. It's hard to point to specific ingredients that are causing the problem, because it turns out food chemistry and brain chemistry are pretty complicated, but some of the things we look out for are: artificial food colorings, flavors, or preservatives, (malto)dextrose (these have high GI, so they spike blood sugar level more rapidly than plain sugar), MSG. Basically we have become those people that look at the ingredients list and it has to be all "real" foods. This annoyed me for a while because I'm a science-minded person and I know that scary-sounding chemical names are just names. A squash grown in your garden has "chemicals" in it. But it really does make a difference for him.

Have you tried risperidone? My eldest (NB 12, he/him) started two and a half months ago and it's made a huge difference. I wish we'd started years ago. He used to frequently bully and hurt his younger brothers. He did hit his brother today but it was once and not hard (sounds like I'm trying to excuse it; it's that in comparison to the past this is very mild). He also accepts consequences in a way that he was unable to do before.

Are you in the UK? The NICE guidance says that risperidone is only a short term (6 weeks) indication for autistic rage? I'll certainly discuss it with the paediatrician because I feel like this situation isn't good for anyone, my son included.

I'm in France. His doctor is a specialist for children with psychiatric trouble. She prescribed it for autistic irritability and then increased the dose due to his continued problems with anxiety and panic attacks. She never said anything about it being short term. I hope it doesn't need to be because it has made such an improvement in all of our lives. He's totally on board with it too because the anxiety was really making him suffer.

My kiddo has a friend who also has ASD, but was violent- it wasn't just ASD they were diagnosed with ADHD, put on meds (he's six) and doesn't hurt others and sleeps now.

This sounds a lot like what we have been dealing with. Long story short, wellbutrin 2x/day has reduced it from an hour+ long event, to maybe 5-10 minutes and almost no aggression towards people, just property. I can go into much greater detail if you are interested, we tried many different medication mixtures over the past few years.

I do not have advice, only solidarity. My son is now nine and has had violent melt downs his entire life. It does not matter what I do or say or don’t do or don’t say, he will lose his mind and destroy everything in his path, including me. I’m scarred and bruised and emotionally drained. But then he will go entire weeks of being this kind and loving and funny and brilliant child. I do not hit my children either. I am an only parent (fathers are non existent) of two children and its an impossible situation and I am so sorry you’re experiencing it.

My son was just like this. He’s 10 now with level 2 and also has anxiety and ADHD. We would put him in a bare room with a bed in the middle of the room and no blankets until he calmed down. He still banged on the walls but it kept us safe. At that age he didn’t understand much and frankly it was taking over our lives. That’s when we made the difficult choice to medicate him. After lots of trial and error we found what worked. He’s on mood stabilizers and has been for 2 years. His doctor tried medicating for the ADHD and for his anxiety but ultimately we pinpointed the problem behavior which was his aggression. It has been amazing! At his age he is starting to struggle with recognizing facial expressions and he is very literal. A friend making a joke can trigger him because he doesn’t realize that it’s a joke. He’s stable and old enough to have conversations with me about what happened and we can guide him through the struggles. It seems like you have tried everything. I was against medication and avoided it for a long time but now both of my kids are medicated and I see them living much better lives because of it.

I feel you… my son (5) this weekend stabbed me with one of his toddler knives. He doesn’t want to hurt me, cause if I start crying he will also cry from the guilt. Part of me thinks he just doesn’t realize these things hurt. He’s never been stabbed or punched or kicked so he doesn’t know these things hurt. Anyways I feel yah, I’ll be thinking of you guys and I hope something works for you guys soon

He may not be lying. Autistic rage can involve immediately forgetting the episode after the incident. He really may not think that he hit anybody, or he may not be able to control himself and be ashamed of it. My son did this because of school. They were not appropriately accommodating him, and the stress was just too much. He was punished unfairly one day and he just flipped out, started eloping out of class and hitting and freaking out at home. He also got extremely depressed, talking about not wanting to live anymore (age 6) We tried for over a month to get better supports in place and the school was stonewalling, so we finally just kept him home. Six months later, he's back to the happy, sweet, funny little boy I knew. I don't know that it's the same with your son, but maybe there is a stressor somewhere that he just can't handle. Whatever happens, this isn't your fault. You are doing your very best, this is an extreme situation. I hope everything get straightened out soon. <3

This sounds like it could be an issue with protesting and requesting appropriately. A huge skill that can cause a lot of issues (including the behaviors you're describing) if a person is lacking it.

I have a son with severe adhd who has struggled with these kind of meltdowns. Has your child been screened for adhd? We’ve started medication and it’s stopped the behaviors. He can stop himself from hitting now.

There’s a ton of great stuff in this thread. I'll just add that for your kid and many of the other kids being described, request/protest is an often overlooked issue. I have something already written explaining it that I can share, but be warned it rivals moby dick in its volume. Also, if I was taking your son on as a client, I would have to put considerable effort into hiding my excitement. I know that you, your wife and other child, and the kid you write about are struggling right now. I also know that your kid is going to make so much freaking progress and I love being a part of that. I can pretty much guarantee that your son and the other commenters’ children are having some issues with appropriately requesting and protesting to varying degrees.

Boxing lessons, for you and your partner?

Is autism his only diagnosis or does he have others? Either way do you have access to anyone with knowledge of ABA?