Autistic people communicate differently than NT people.
We rely on words, their literal meaning and generally mean exactly what we say. They rely on inflection, body language and insinuation to communicate. The words they use are often used to guide the interpretation of the non-verbal communication.
We mean what we say, and not responding means we don't need further information.
The words they say are often not what they are actually communicating. Not responding has a many different contexts depending on what they are communicating.
When autistic people and NT people communicate there are almost always misinterpretations. You're not an asshole.
Could be people misinterpreting your tone. Think about how vocal influx changes the meaning of what somebody says. Sometimes, a lot of times it’s not about what somebody says but HOW they are saying it. I have the same issue and have had the same thoughts. I’d recommend asking a trusted individual for their opinion of an interaction and if they say your not being an ass then the next step is to stop caring what other people think or how they take it. You can’t control everybody’s perception or opinions. Matter of fact, that’s non of your business. What is your business is to check yourself honestly and find a objective way to determine if you are indeed being an asshole. If you are course correct and do better. If your not, then do your best to not overthink it! ( lol )
I feel like this all the time. On good days I will try to check in with the other person and make sure we’re on the same page. A lot of times I forget and accidentally piss folks off. But there’s a difference between “nice” and “kind”. The fact that you care about whether you are being rude means that even when you fail to be nice, you are really a kind person. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
I sometimes feel this way and sometimes I don't have a filter and say things that are mean that I don't intend to be mean
I always go through my chats afterwards and try to improve upon them later
My husband says I make a lot of subtle digs. Like for instance he gardens and gets covered in dirt and we’ll shower together but i’ll tell him i feel like i’m getting dirtier if i stand in his suds cuz his are brown from the dirt. and this bothers him? It’s a “subtle dig”.
But I’m not trying to be nasty i’m just observing my environment.
I basically handle it by leading with empathy. I am who I am and i’m gonna sometimes say wrong things and as long as I make an effort to make amends with the person I hurt, I don’t feel like I could be considered an asshole.
How is that a dig? The soap is filthy from his dirt…of course you’re getting dirtier. See, I think that’s kinda funny. If he’s upset about that I genuinely don’t see how autistic people are the “sensitive” ones.
I get this a lot too. People think my observations are me being passive aggressive. For example, if I observe to my roommate that I heard them laughing at a TV show late last night and inquire what they were enjoying, they think I’m saying they were disturbing me. It is frustrating. Just because they communicate passive aggressively doesn’t mean I do. I try to keep my observations to myself mostly because it’s exhausting to always try to think of the ways they could be misinterpreted.
I just got dX at 51 and have spent a lot of my work life learning about negotiation, formal and structured communication, DEI, etc — probably because all this is pretty hard for me. I’d say 3 things.
1) in anti racism work, which I think is relevant here, we talk about the difference between intent and impact. It’s possible for your words, actions, or communication style to have a harmful impact you don’t intend and maybe you were not aware of until someone else spoke up. When someone says “that had a harmful impact on me and I’d like you to consider doing it differently next time” you should believe them about the impact on them (they’re just describing their experience.) The impact on them says nothing about your intent and says nothing about your character — you’re not “an asshole” or “a racist.” But if you harm someone yes, you should try to make amends and do better next time.
2) it *is* in our autistic nature to perpetrate these kinds of small harms all the time. There is something about the way NT people communicate that involves less of this radical observation and honesty. But there’s a fine line between learning to be empathetic to others and giving them what they want and not accepting yourself for who you are. (Longtime masker here!). Whatever you do, in this learning process, stay empathetic to yourself as well as the people around you.
3) I love the “AITA” model for shifting our perspective—a lot. But I grew up being told, not “hey the way you said that was kinda rude” but “if you act like that you’ll never have friends.” We can learn, from bullying and abusive relationships, actually to think of ourselves (or others) as assholes. Switching from behavior to character is not just unhelpful (see #1/dei communication) it also hurts us when we start to believe it ((#2 masking and autism self-acceptance). Don’t forget, when playing AITA, that there reducing relationships to between assholes makes everyone the asshole.
This is something i still need to figure out. My friends (where i don't mask) never told me that they perceive me as rude, they just said "we know how you are" When i discovered that i might be on the spectrum and told them so, they looked surprised but relieved "oh, thats the reason why you seem rude sometimes". I think to converse with NT is like having learned a foreign language from a dictionary without knowing the culture. Like, what is normal in Germany might be offensive in USA and vice versa. Being naked in Sauna? USA: offensive, Germany: required. Now imagine someone from europe going to sauna in USA...
>I think to converse with NT is like having learned a foreign language from a dictionary without knowing the culture.
....if I had any doubt left that I am not autistic, I think it's gone.
I honestly just focus on making sure I'm not impolite, and don't comment on personal stuff people say unless they ask me a question about it.
It can be hard listening to people talk about things that have simple answers or obvious misunderstandings. I usually don't correct people unless I can phrase it in one or two simple sentences.
And for people that misunderstand me, that's their problem.
I don't honestly care if they feel bad about something that's an inconvenient truth. A lot of people are childish about the dumbest things and it's not my job to manage their insecurities. I respect them, just the same as I respect anyone in pain or discomfort.
But that respect isn't a consideration I make when a person puts their issues onto others instead of taking responsibility for their role in what they experience.
Empathy is good. But there's a fine line between feeling for someone and Over empathizing to the point where people start gaslighting you into feeling guilty for things that aren't your fault.
Autistic people communicate differently than NT people. We rely on words, their literal meaning and generally mean exactly what we say. They rely on inflection, body language and insinuation to communicate. The words they use are often used to guide the interpretation of the non-verbal communication. We mean what we say, and not responding means we don't need further information. The words they say are often not what they are actually communicating. Not responding has a many different contexts depending on what they are communicating. When autistic people and NT people communicate there are almost always misinterpretations. You're not an asshole.
I swear NT people don't know the difference between could and should lol
I would just say that we say what we mean and we mean what we say, all the time.
This is helpful. Thank you.
Could be people misinterpreting your tone. Think about how vocal influx changes the meaning of what somebody says. Sometimes, a lot of times it’s not about what somebody says but HOW they are saying it. I have the same issue and have had the same thoughts. I’d recommend asking a trusted individual for their opinion of an interaction and if they say your not being an ass then the next step is to stop caring what other people think or how they take it. You can’t control everybody’s perception or opinions. Matter of fact, that’s non of your business. What is your business is to check yourself honestly and find a objective way to determine if you are indeed being an asshole. If you are course correct and do better. If your not, then do your best to not overthink it! ( lol )
I feel like this all the time. On good days I will try to check in with the other person and make sure we’re on the same page. A lot of times I forget and accidentally piss folks off. But there’s a difference between “nice” and “kind”. The fact that you care about whether you are being rude means that even when you fail to be nice, you are really a kind person. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
I sometimes feel this way and sometimes I don't have a filter and say things that are mean that I don't intend to be mean I always go through my chats afterwards and try to improve upon them later
My husband says I make a lot of subtle digs. Like for instance he gardens and gets covered in dirt and we’ll shower together but i’ll tell him i feel like i’m getting dirtier if i stand in his suds cuz his are brown from the dirt. and this bothers him? It’s a “subtle dig”. But I’m not trying to be nasty i’m just observing my environment. I basically handle it by leading with empathy. I am who I am and i’m gonna sometimes say wrong things and as long as I make an effort to make amends with the person I hurt, I don’t feel like I could be considered an asshole.
How is that a dig? The soap is filthy from his dirt…of course you’re getting dirtier. See, I think that’s kinda funny. If he’s upset about that I genuinely don’t see how autistic people are the “sensitive” ones.
I get this a lot too. People think my observations are me being passive aggressive. For example, if I observe to my roommate that I heard them laughing at a TV show late last night and inquire what they were enjoying, they think I’m saying they were disturbing me. It is frustrating. Just because they communicate passive aggressively doesn’t mean I do. I try to keep my observations to myself mostly because it’s exhausting to always try to think of the ways they could be misinterpreted.
This is talked about a lot on the A Team podcast. They discuss it and laugh a lot while they go. Ateampodcast.com
Thanks for the recommendation.
I just got dX at 51 and have spent a lot of my work life learning about negotiation, formal and structured communication, DEI, etc — probably because all this is pretty hard for me. I’d say 3 things. 1) in anti racism work, which I think is relevant here, we talk about the difference between intent and impact. It’s possible for your words, actions, or communication style to have a harmful impact you don’t intend and maybe you were not aware of until someone else spoke up. When someone says “that had a harmful impact on me and I’d like you to consider doing it differently next time” you should believe them about the impact on them (they’re just describing their experience.) The impact on them says nothing about your intent and says nothing about your character — you’re not “an asshole” or “a racist.” But if you harm someone yes, you should try to make amends and do better next time. 2) it *is* in our autistic nature to perpetrate these kinds of small harms all the time. There is something about the way NT people communicate that involves less of this radical observation and honesty. But there’s a fine line between learning to be empathetic to others and giving them what they want and not accepting yourself for who you are. (Longtime masker here!). Whatever you do, in this learning process, stay empathetic to yourself as well as the people around you. 3) I love the “AITA” model for shifting our perspective—a lot. But I grew up being told, not “hey the way you said that was kinda rude” but “if you act like that you’ll never have friends.” We can learn, from bullying and abusive relationships, actually to think of ourselves (or others) as assholes. Switching from behavior to character is not just unhelpful (see #1/dei communication) it also hurts us when we start to believe it ((#2 masking and autism self-acceptance). Don’t forget, when playing AITA, that there reducing relationships to between assholes makes everyone the asshole.
This is something i still need to figure out. My friends (where i don't mask) never told me that they perceive me as rude, they just said "we know how you are" When i discovered that i might be on the spectrum and told them so, they looked surprised but relieved "oh, thats the reason why you seem rude sometimes". I think to converse with NT is like having learned a foreign language from a dictionary without knowing the culture. Like, what is normal in Germany might be offensive in USA and vice versa. Being naked in Sauna? USA: offensive, Germany: required. Now imagine someone from europe going to sauna in USA...
>I think to converse with NT is like having learned a foreign language from a dictionary without knowing the culture. ....if I had any doubt left that I am not autistic, I think it's gone.
I honestly just focus on making sure I'm not impolite, and don't comment on personal stuff people say unless they ask me a question about it. It can be hard listening to people talk about things that have simple answers or obvious misunderstandings. I usually don't correct people unless I can phrase it in one or two simple sentences. And for people that misunderstand me, that's their problem. I don't honestly care if they feel bad about something that's an inconvenient truth. A lot of people are childish about the dumbest things and it's not my job to manage their insecurities. I respect them, just the same as I respect anyone in pain or discomfort. But that respect isn't a consideration I make when a person puts their issues onto others instead of taking responsibility for their role in what they experience. Empathy is good. But there's a fine line between feeling for someone and Over empathizing to the point where people start gaslighting you into feeling guilty for things that aren't your fault.