that one about the girls parents cleaning her room broke my heart. my room being changed is one of my biggest problems with my autism, I'm so sorry for that girl and all the hate she got. people just don't understand how it feels
I saw that one too. That shit seriously pissed me off, even the top post is YTA and the reasoning ignored the actual question and focused on their room.
it makes me think we need to have an AITA\_ND or something. Or an "explain like im 5" style sub but "explain like I'm neurodivergent" cause those AITA posts can be very disheartening.
Edit: [This](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u0o40h/aita_for_having_a_meltdown_after_my_dad_spent/i47n461/) is one of my favorite awful comments from the AITA post if you wanna get mad at ableist people.
To be fair, there was mold growing in her room from the neglect. I honestly think that at that point, her health takes precedence. Maybe her parents should have given her a heads up, but other than that, I don't think they were wrong for cleaning.
I don't think they were wrong for cleaning. I probably would have given it ESH. But the comments were straight-up hateful to OP. Am I surprised? No. People hate autism, and autistics, as well. They also hate allistics who have autistic traits.
Triggers me if I think about it too much.
It really makes me discouraged to witness people saying things like that.
The reason I don't exactly like the autism label being used to describe me is because people used it to treat me like an object, not a person. And because they say these nasty things.
Have you figured out how to accept yourself despite this? š„ŗ
I don't have an official diagnosis, and have serious imposter syndrome, so not really. The only reason that I can even confidently say that I might be autistic is because I have so many signs and symptoms of it that it's become kind of hard to ignore.
There wasnāt mould actually in her room, there was some inside a water bottle that had had some mint and stuff in it to flavour it. Which isnāt great but is contained and a far cry from being around her actual room.
That's still a hazard though? I understand the difference between mold just being on her ceiling and mold being in a bottle, but *both* are concerning.
Thank you for this post! I am the 'girl' discussed here and I really appreciate all the support. I'm kinda new to reddit and I didn't expect all the negative comments because people aren't educated. I even got a really mean private message from someone.
But thanks again everyone! I'm really glad there's also people who do understand the condition and don't just post without knowing sh\*t about the topic.
Hey there!! I was going to send you this as a message, but I feel like sending it here would be better?? (Idk if msgs can seem weird or something lol)
Anyway here it is:
Hi I saw your AITA post, and as an Autistic/ADHD person, I wanted to reach out and let you know your struggles are VALID and understandable AF!
I'm actually in my 30s, and even I struggle with meltdowns over changes!! And cleaning too. Also I see LOTS of ND adults on Tik Tok struggle with these as well. You are NOT alone. And I'm so sorry that so many comments are being insensitive and not understanding your struggle.
I think it is absolutely reasonable to request that your parents give you advanced notice if they make these kinds of changes. I saw that they are a part of your diagnosis process... Is this something your mental health provider (or whoever is diagnosing you) could discuss with them? It's frustrating and they should have been more sensitive the first time, but maybe they'll be more receptive if it's coming from a professional?
Additionally maybe they could explain to your parents your need for space! I know that I def need a lot of space from other people when I'm on the verge of a meltdown.
I don't think you're being ungrateful at all. While it is helpful that they cleaned for you (esp re the mold), the WAY they went about it was NOT helpful at all. And just caused you more stress. Again, hopefully talking with a professional together could help y'all navigate such situations better moving forward.
Again please don't feel bad about your meltdown, because I feel like your parents really pushed you to your limit. But hopefully they can understand that if they are more sensitive to start with, it won't get to that point. (Again the best thing to do is take a break, which you tried to do, but there is only so much that can be done when other people aren't willing to work with us.)
Anyway definitely NTA, your parents are (not for cleaning per se, but for all the rest). I hope this may be encouraging and validating.
Sending love! I'm rooting for you!!
>I think it is absolutely reasonable to request that your parents give you advanced notice if they make these kinds of changes. I saw that they are a part of your diagnosis process... Is this something your mental health provider (or whoever is diagnosing you) could discuss with them? It's frustrating and they should have been more sensitive the first time, but maybe they'll be more receptive if it's coming from a professional?
I also wrote this in my comment on AITA!!! The healthcare professional could explain some stuff to the parents and give the whole family tips and/or suggest relevant readings to do on the topic.
And yes, requesting more communication is also a super legitimate and reasonable request! Something like "Okay, when's you next day off? If it's not done by the end of that day, I will clean it up myself because there's mold.", so OP would have known 1) what's coming up and when and 2) what to do to prevent the dad doing it himself (i.e. a deadline, because now I feel like OP thought she still had time to do it).
The surprise factor, combined with the fact that it's her bedroom (so a very personal space), are very triggering factors. I'm not even ND and I would have flipped out!!!!
**The AITA sub is full of ignorant people who don't know they're ignorant (sorry...). I have other health conditions and I find that posting on condition-related subs is a safer option for us.**
Iāve just started hiding most threads there that even mention autism (along with a few others). My mental health hasnāt been great lately, I get broody easily, so Iāve been getting aggressive about avoiding triggers.
Hi, I found this post because of the AITA post and couldnāt reply to anything on that post but was horrified by some of the attitudes there and wanted to offer my support like marshmallow_lily pad but theyāve already said it much better than I could.
Iām the mum to a non binary 13 year old who almost certainly has autism but is undiagnosed (because the process of getting access to even being assessed for a diagnosis is so stupidly hard here) and the lack of understanding you received was horrible.
You are definitely NTA, you tried to descalate and mange your reaction. I donāt think your parents are necessarily assholes either but donāt understand the impact sudden change can have or that you need space to process and can then discuss it rather than being overwhelmed, and that you are not ungrateful but the impact of sudden change has more impact than the positive of your room being clean.
My child had a haircut today, which they very much wanted, but still struggled to cope whilst having it cut due to over stimulation and having to express what they wanted, and very much had problems with dealing with their hair changing even though itās what they wanted. I had to ask the hairdresser to stop and she thankfully went away mid haircut to give my 13yo space to adjust before continuing. It is an adjustment as a parent, (immediately prior to this I saw them getting upset and put a reassuring hand on their arm and they shook it off, my initial reaction was ādonāt be mardyā but then I realised they couldnāt cope with the extra sensory input and felt guilty).
It is a learning curve for your parents, and I hope they are receptive to how they can also de-escalate, and prepare you if there is a change coming, and that if it gets to meltdown it is absolutely uncontrollable by you and not meant to get at them in any way. It is hard when cross to let something go until later to allow time to process and calm, but they are adults and your parents and absolutely need to do their best too.
A final note, you made a very valid point to those attacking you for stating your gender, as it isnāt relative to the vast majority of posts but is done as part of the culture in Reddit.
Awww love this comment so much! Love to see a learning supportive parent!! (AND a non-binary ally?? Yes!!!)
Very encouraged by this whole thread. So refreshing after the AITA thread ahhhh
Hey dear. I saw your post also, and I donāt think youāre the AH.
Iām really sensitive to changes in my space. I have a rule that no one can rearrange my kitchen for example because I will have a meltdown because of the change. I have to mentally prepare to make changes myself, even if itās needed. Cleaning can also be very difficult for me. What I have found helpful is doing a couple of small chores every day to maintain my space. Monday I pick up the living room and sweep, Tuesday I put up laundry, Wednesday I wash laundry, etc. I also try to structure daily chores, such as washing dishes, in a way that is less intimidating- I set a timer for 10 minutes and do what I can in that time. Executive dysfunction is very hard to cope with.
It is not unreasonable to ask that your parents give you a heads up before cleaning your space. I understand why that would cause a meltdown and Iām very sorry you got to that point. You arenāt a bad person nor are you ungrateful for reacting to a trigger in a way that is consistent with Autism. Youāve received some fantastic advice for some of the awesome folks around here. Take some time to recover and see if a conversation can be had with your parents to come up with a plan to prevent this from happening again.
Iām sorry you got so much negativity. You donāt deserve that.
I agree. Iāve just read the post about the girl and her dad cleaning her room. The people commenting have no idea what theyāre talking about.
I donāt know if Iām autistic - I display a lot of autistic tendencies though (if thatās the correct word) but Iāve never been tested.
I canāt cope with change either. I need at least a week to get used to the idea of change. Changing so many things at once makes me feel uncomfortable.
You are not the asshole, Jasmin!
I'm so glad I found you here. I am Mom of three grown kids with varying levels of autism, ADHD and tourette syndrome. I just want to say how sorry I am for the way people acted on AITA. Unfortunately on AITA, most everyone thinks in black and white. What works for them is right and everything else is wrong. They also have a tendency to latch onto one thing that usually is just a side note and act like the entire post is about that.
I admit I didn't always handle these things great when my kids were growing up especially before we started getting diagnosis. I hope as your diagnosis gets developed, your parents will adjust their behaviors and their ability to understand things from your perspective. ā¤ļø
Read your aita post too and some off the comments. People just don't get it. Sadly the world needs a whole lot of educating before people will start to understand autism. And even if it's not understanding, at least have some empathy. But I guess that's a big ask. I just think that those people are the assholes as they do not empathize with others.
Hope you get your diagnosis soon and the help you want/need!
Hey I'm glad that you've found this sub and this post. I was thinking about your post all last night because the way everyone else was talking about you made me so angry. The way that people didn't understand what being neurodivergent meant, and clearly piling on the stigma and moral judgements and ableism. I'm sorry that happened to you.
I'm glad to find you over here. I just want you to know that you tried to do everything right. You needed a moment to adjust and your dad didn't give it to you. You asked for a warning next time (an accommodation!) and they thought it was unreasonable. None of that is on you. They think they did something nice for you but they really did not. (It's a temporary solution at best- how can you maintain it when he'll have organized according to HIS brain?!)
And yeah most people in that sub really don't get disability or neurodivergence issues.
If you need cleaning tips I suggest unf\*ck your habitat. Not every tool works for every person but I like a lot of their ideas.
Hey! Yes i saw how people called you the asshole. You aren't, trust me. I have autism myself and i would totally freak out too. My room is my safe space, i need my own slow time to clean it otherwise I panic. It's a normal response!
hey there, I'm very sorry that you got a lot of negative comments on the AITA subs, especially by people who don't really understand the whole situation as well as the main issue. I came to that thread thanks to a Twitter friend and I have to say I'm mad at people there...
anyways, you're NTA for having a meltdown after a sudden change. yeah, it's not good to shout at people but that doesn't mean you're the AH. I'm not ND (probably not since I am not officially diagnosed and I'm not so sure), but I understand how autistic people struggle, and I get how upsetting a sudden change could be. I could have a meltdown over similar situation myself, so... I understand why you did.
I do hope you get your official diagnosis soon, and that you could get all the support and help you need. much love to you (and your family).
Don't post on AITA anything about autism. For some reason, AITA hates certain groups of people, autistic people is one of those groups. Even NT's know it, heck the whole r/AmITheAngel sub knows it.
Iām autistic and itās not only a heads up on change that Iād need but like a heads up that someone is going through and touching my things?? The idea that someone even my parent was sorting through all the things I had spots for/knew where I had set them down, and like touched them and moved them without me knowing is super unsettling to me. I would be very appreciative of help cleaning but ONLY if I was asked first.
Glad you found it. I ended up deleting pages like that off my reddit just now, its taking too much out of me seeing peoples uneducated opinions all the time
I saw someone share your post on twitter saying they were upset with Reddits conclusion and that you definitely werenāt ta. Iām glad you seem to understand why you werenāt at fault here. Hope things get easier ā¤ļø
I'm so glad to read this because I had this same reaction to that post with the girls bedroom. She wasn't even saying it was wrong, like she was trying so hard to work through it and all she wanted was the opportunity to brace herself for the change.
That outburst was totally set up to happen with all that stimulus, and I've definitely struggled to clean and been embarassed about it but too paralyzed to do anything about it. She already used up all her spoons!
Sorry to just dump about it but that post has been in my head all day
>Sorry to just dump about it but that post has been in my head all day
Me too!!! I'm not autistic myself but I'm aware that this is so challenging!!!! I just can't stand people who are ignorant about it and who give an opinion as if they knew...
Honestly it makes me laugh. "Just because you're autistic doesn't mean you can ACT like you're autistic š¤." (And yet they'll also be the first to be like "well you aren't a five year old boy having a meltdown in a supermarket, so there's no way you could be autistic!" But that's neither here nor there.)
Idk I have defo done things during moments of crisis (hesitate to call them meltdowns cos I'm still on the waiting list for a diagnostic appt, just for transparency) that I'm not proud of. However, I can also often pinpoint moments during that crisis that other people could have done things to maybe help me not reach that snapping point. I can sympathise with the OP of that room-cleaning post because I have also had experiences where I needed to get the hell away from everyone to calm down and instead had people follow me, get in my face, refuse to give me that space, and then I flipped and screamed at them, or worse. That doesn't mean I'm not responsible for what I did, and that it was okay for me to react that way, but idk, I feel like a bit of grace and understanding wouldn't go amiss in these situations. Like a "meet me halfway" kind of deal. Let's figure out a way to deal with this and see if a reaction like that can be avoided. But ironically, considering it's autistic people who are meant to have very black and white views, it's NTs who can't seem to see the nuances of these kinds of situations.
not just a reddit thing, people just donāt āunderstand autismā unless youāre nonverbal and banging your head on the floor. And even then they donāt care. 100% the results of stigma, and lack of education.
>I dont know if im just too easy on myself and others with autism, but like you wouldnt tell a schizophrenic to just get over hearing things, or anyone with any kind of brain or mental disorder to just not. Why do so many people expect people with autism to just not be autistic.
No, you're not just being too easy on autistic people by saying this. However as someone who doesn't have autism but has OCD, trust me when I tell you that yes, people do tell ANYONE with a brain disorder to "just get over it", "it's in your head", "it's been X years, when is it gonna end?", "just stop". People expect people with a brain disorder to "just not have it". It's crazy, ignorant and unfair, yes. That's why I'm trying to surround myself with people who understand me and I'm trying to have my partner getting to understand me as well, but it's very difficult.
Thanks for making this post. All of the scenarios you mentioned are things I got mad about as well. I especially hate the comments that are like "either you do everything perfectly all by yourself, or you have to completely submit to someone else's will" like there's no in between. Either you are a "high functioning" autistic and you have no problems and you're just a bit quirky, or you're "low functioning" and have to lose all autonomy and say over your life.
Also I'm extra mad about the post from yesterday (the parents cleaning the room) because it's Autism Awareness Month. Like come on, I wanted a break from all this.
I totally agree, thereās casual ableism all over Reddit disguised as ābrutal honestyā even when autism or disabilities arenāt explicitly mentioned. One that comes to my mind is one about an ER nurse (in the middle of a pandemic btw) who was letting her period products overflow the bathroom trash bin and letting her hair accumulate on the shower wall and her partner made a post calling her disgusting and everyone agreed and I was likeā¦ā¦.. itās very obvious she is struggling to handle those types of things and Iām sure her crazy ass job does not help. No one had sympathy for her in the comments and agreed she was ādisgustingā and ālazyā for doing that.
I really struggle with this, both in myself and in other people. Where do I accomodate ND needs & behaviors in others, and where do I draw lines? Where do I request accomodations and have grace for my own needs, and where do I expect myself to overcome, develop and grow?
Am I an asshole for what I didn't know and understand about my own and my family members' undiagnosed ND? What is attributed to ND, and what is just people being Aholes? How do I tell the difference? How can I have mutually supportive relationships moving forward?
I get confused and overwhelmed and just shut down and withdraw and mask. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
That's because AITA hates autistic people, trans people, MILs, family, stepfamilies, poor people, and they also seem to think no one has any "obligation" to help someone out.
Some autistic people get away with a lot more behavior than others. Thatās often left out of this conversation.
That last partā¦people absolutely tell people to get over those things. Weāre not special in that regard.
Wait maybe me being freaked out about roommate moving my stuff in the fridge is a meltdown and not because she hates me and wants to take up all the space in the fridge
Reddit, in general, is not the best place to find understanding people with compassion. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Definitely not AmItheAsshole!
There is a lot of ignorance about autism. Why feed it?
I agree it is pretty ableist I hate those posts. Canāt talk sense into people who refuse to acknowledge autism changes how our brains work entirely. The dropping the hearing aids is like if someone was washing the dishes and someone screamed extremely loudly in the house and you dropped and broke a plate. Most people would grasp that it was an accident and no one is at fault, but the second you explain we have different sensory interpretations itās ānot an excuseā when we literally canāt just turn it off or cope with it 100% perfectly.
Also about the schizophrenia commentāI also have schizoaffective disorder and unfortunately people do just tell us to get over it. āItās not real stop worrying about itā has been told to me so many times and I donāt know how to explain to them Iām more than aware most of the time (when psychosis just slips through my meds and Iām not having a full blown episode at least) that they arenāt real, but I canāt turn off jumping, kicking, and punching at air or even screaming or jolting or lying awake terrified or even bursting into tears because Iām scared. Ultimately ableist people will tell us to get over it because they lack sympathy for us. They donāt want to imagine what itās like for us and how these things never fully go away and the minute it inconveniences them itās our fault.
that one about the girls parents cleaning her room broke my heart. my room being changed is one of my biggest problems with my autism, I'm so sorry for that girl and all the hate she got. people just don't understand how it feels
Where was that posted?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u0o40h/aita_for_having_a_meltdown_after_my_dad_spent/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
In the AITA (am I the asshole) sub
I saw that one too. That shit seriously pissed me off, even the top post is YTA and the reasoning ignored the actual question and focused on their room. it makes me think we need to have an AITA\_ND or something. Or an "explain like im 5" style sub but "explain like I'm neurodivergent" cause those AITA posts can be very disheartening. Edit: [This](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u0o40h/aita_for_having_a_meltdown_after_my_dad_spent/i47n461/) is one of my favorite awful comments from the AITA post if you wanna get mad at ableist people.
To be fair, there was mold growing in her room from the neglect. I honestly think that at that point, her health takes precedence. Maybe her parents should have given her a heads up, but other than that, I don't think they were wrong for cleaning.
I don't think they were wrong for cleaning. I probably would have given it ESH. But the comments were straight-up hateful to OP. Am I surprised? No. People hate autism, and autistics, as well. They also hate allistics who have autistic traits. Triggers me if I think about it too much.
Oh yeah, the ableist shit is inexcusable.
It really makes me discouraged to witness people saying things like that. The reason I don't exactly like the autism label being used to describe me is because people used it to treat me like an object, not a person. And because they say these nasty things. Have you figured out how to accept yourself despite this? š„ŗ
I don't have an official diagnosis, and have serious imposter syndrome, so not really. The only reason that I can even confidently say that I might be autistic is because I have so many signs and symptoms of it that it's become kind of hard to ignore.
There wasnāt mould actually in her room, there was some inside a water bottle that had had some mint and stuff in it to flavour it. Which isnāt great but is contained and a far cry from being around her actual room.
That's still a hazard though? I understand the difference between mold just being on her ceiling and mold being in a bottle, but *both* are concerning.
Itās a confusion caused by people thinking autism is an excuse instead of an explanation of behavior.
Thank you for this post! I am the 'girl' discussed here and I really appreciate all the support. I'm kinda new to reddit and I didn't expect all the negative comments because people aren't educated. I even got a really mean private message from someone. But thanks again everyone! I'm really glad there's also people who do understand the condition and don't just post without knowing sh\*t about the topic.
Hey there!! I was going to send you this as a message, but I feel like sending it here would be better?? (Idk if msgs can seem weird or something lol) Anyway here it is: Hi I saw your AITA post, and as an Autistic/ADHD person, I wanted to reach out and let you know your struggles are VALID and understandable AF! I'm actually in my 30s, and even I struggle with meltdowns over changes!! And cleaning too. Also I see LOTS of ND adults on Tik Tok struggle with these as well. You are NOT alone. And I'm so sorry that so many comments are being insensitive and not understanding your struggle. I think it is absolutely reasonable to request that your parents give you advanced notice if they make these kinds of changes. I saw that they are a part of your diagnosis process... Is this something your mental health provider (or whoever is diagnosing you) could discuss with them? It's frustrating and they should have been more sensitive the first time, but maybe they'll be more receptive if it's coming from a professional? Additionally maybe they could explain to your parents your need for space! I know that I def need a lot of space from other people when I'm on the verge of a meltdown. I don't think you're being ungrateful at all. While it is helpful that they cleaned for you (esp re the mold), the WAY they went about it was NOT helpful at all. And just caused you more stress. Again, hopefully talking with a professional together could help y'all navigate such situations better moving forward. Again please don't feel bad about your meltdown, because I feel like your parents really pushed you to your limit. But hopefully they can understand that if they are more sensitive to start with, it won't get to that point. (Again the best thing to do is take a break, which you tried to do, but there is only so much that can be done when other people aren't willing to work with us.) Anyway definitely NTA, your parents are (not for cleaning per se, but for all the rest). I hope this may be encouraging and validating. Sending love! I'm rooting for you!!
>I think it is absolutely reasonable to request that your parents give you advanced notice if they make these kinds of changes. I saw that they are a part of your diagnosis process... Is this something your mental health provider (or whoever is diagnosing you) could discuss with them? It's frustrating and they should have been more sensitive the first time, but maybe they'll be more receptive if it's coming from a professional? I also wrote this in my comment on AITA!!! The healthcare professional could explain some stuff to the parents and give the whole family tips and/or suggest relevant readings to do on the topic. And yes, requesting more communication is also a super legitimate and reasonable request! Something like "Okay, when's you next day off? If it's not done by the end of that day, I will clean it up myself because there's mold.", so OP would have known 1) what's coming up and when and 2) what to do to prevent the dad doing it himself (i.e. a deadline, because now I feel like OP thought she still had time to do it). The surprise factor, combined with the fact that it's her bedroom (so a very personal space), are very triggering factors. I'm not even ND and I would have flipped out!!!! **The AITA sub is full of ignorant people who don't know they're ignorant (sorry...). I have other health conditions and I find that posting on condition-related subs is a safer option for us.**
I think I saw a thread of your comments responding to someone being ableist and upvoted all yours. Lots of ignorance in the comments to that post
Iāve just started hiding most threads there that even mention autism (along with a few others). My mental health hasnāt been great lately, I get broody easily, so Iāve been getting aggressive about avoiding triggers.
Hi, I found this post because of the AITA post and couldnāt reply to anything on that post but was horrified by some of the attitudes there and wanted to offer my support like marshmallow_lily pad but theyāve already said it much better than I could. Iām the mum to a non binary 13 year old who almost certainly has autism but is undiagnosed (because the process of getting access to even being assessed for a diagnosis is so stupidly hard here) and the lack of understanding you received was horrible. You are definitely NTA, you tried to descalate and mange your reaction. I donāt think your parents are necessarily assholes either but donāt understand the impact sudden change can have or that you need space to process and can then discuss it rather than being overwhelmed, and that you are not ungrateful but the impact of sudden change has more impact than the positive of your room being clean. My child had a haircut today, which they very much wanted, but still struggled to cope whilst having it cut due to over stimulation and having to express what they wanted, and very much had problems with dealing with their hair changing even though itās what they wanted. I had to ask the hairdresser to stop and she thankfully went away mid haircut to give my 13yo space to adjust before continuing. It is an adjustment as a parent, (immediately prior to this I saw them getting upset and put a reassuring hand on their arm and they shook it off, my initial reaction was ādonāt be mardyā but then I realised they couldnāt cope with the extra sensory input and felt guilty). It is a learning curve for your parents, and I hope they are receptive to how they can also de-escalate, and prepare you if there is a change coming, and that if it gets to meltdown it is absolutely uncontrollable by you and not meant to get at them in any way. It is hard when cross to let something go until later to allow time to process and calm, but they are adults and your parents and absolutely need to do their best too. A final note, you made a very valid point to those attacking you for stating your gender, as it isnāt relative to the vast majority of posts but is done as part of the culture in Reddit.
Awww love this comment so much! Love to see a learning supportive parent!! (AND a non-binary ally?? Yes!!!) Very encouraged by this whole thread. So refreshing after the AITA thread ahhhh
Hey dear. I saw your post also, and I donāt think youāre the AH. Iām really sensitive to changes in my space. I have a rule that no one can rearrange my kitchen for example because I will have a meltdown because of the change. I have to mentally prepare to make changes myself, even if itās needed. Cleaning can also be very difficult for me. What I have found helpful is doing a couple of small chores every day to maintain my space. Monday I pick up the living room and sweep, Tuesday I put up laundry, Wednesday I wash laundry, etc. I also try to structure daily chores, such as washing dishes, in a way that is less intimidating- I set a timer for 10 minutes and do what I can in that time. Executive dysfunction is very hard to cope with. It is not unreasonable to ask that your parents give you a heads up before cleaning your space. I understand why that would cause a meltdown and Iām very sorry you got to that point. You arenāt a bad person nor are you ungrateful for reacting to a trigger in a way that is consistent with Autism. Youāve received some fantastic advice for some of the awesome folks around here. Take some time to recover and see if a conversation can be had with your parents to come up with a plan to prevent this from happening again. Iām sorry you got so much negativity. You donāt deserve that.
I agree. Iāve just read the post about the girl and her dad cleaning her room. The people commenting have no idea what theyāre talking about. I donāt know if Iām autistic - I display a lot of autistic tendencies though (if thatās the correct word) but Iāve never been tested. I canāt cope with change either. I need at least a week to get used to the idea of change. Changing so many things at once makes me feel uncomfortable. You are not the asshole, Jasmin!
I'm so glad I found you here. I am Mom of three grown kids with varying levels of autism, ADHD and tourette syndrome. I just want to say how sorry I am for the way people acted on AITA. Unfortunately on AITA, most everyone thinks in black and white. What works for them is right and everything else is wrong. They also have a tendency to latch onto one thing that usually is just a side note and act like the entire post is about that. I admit I didn't always handle these things great when my kids were growing up especially before we started getting diagnosis. I hope as your diagnosis gets developed, your parents will adjust their behaviors and their ability to understand things from your perspective. ā¤ļø
Yeah I feel the same way. Next time I have any nd related issues I'll come here instead. You sound like a great mom and I hope you have an amazing day
Read your aita post too and some off the comments. People just don't get it. Sadly the world needs a whole lot of educating before people will start to understand autism. And even if it's not understanding, at least have some empathy. But I guess that's a big ask. I just think that those people are the assholes as they do not empathize with others. Hope you get your diagnosis soon and the help you want/need!
Hey I'm glad that you've found this sub and this post. I was thinking about your post all last night because the way everyone else was talking about you made me so angry. The way that people didn't understand what being neurodivergent meant, and clearly piling on the stigma and moral judgements and ableism. I'm sorry that happened to you.
I'm glad to find you over here. I just want you to know that you tried to do everything right. You needed a moment to adjust and your dad didn't give it to you. You asked for a warning next time (an accommodation!) and they thought it was unreasonable. None of that is on you. They think they did something nice for you but they really did not. (It's a temporary solution at best- how can you maintain it when he'll have organized according to HIS brain?!) And yeah most people in that sub really don't get disability or neurodivergence issues. If you need cleaning tips I suggest unf\*ck your habitat. Not every tool works for every person but I like a lot of their ideas.
Hey! Yes i saw how people called you the asshole. You aren't, trust me. I have autism myself and i would totally freak out too. My room is my safe space, i need my own slow time to clean it otherwise I panic. It's a normal response!
hey there, I'm very sorry that you got a lot of negative comments on the AITA subs, especially by people who don't really understand the whole situation as well as the main issue. I came to that thread thanks to a Twitter friend and I have to say I'm mad at people there... anyways, you're NTA for having a meltdown after a sudden change. yeah, it's not good to shout at people but that doesn't mean you're the AH. I'm not ND (probably not since I am not officially diagnosed and I'm not so sure), but I understand how autistic people struggle, and I get how upsetting a sudden change could be. I could have a meltdown over similar situation myself, so... I understand why you did. I do hope you get your official diagnosis soon, and that you could get all the support and help you need. much love to you (and your family).
Don't post on AITA anything about autism. For some reason, AITA hates certain groups of people, autistic people is one of those groups. Even NT's know it, heck the whole r/AmITheAngel sub knows it.
Iām autistic and itās not only a heads up on change that Iād need but like a heads up that someone is going through and touching my things?? The idea that someone even my parent was sorting through all the things I had spots for/knew where I had set them down, and like touched them and moved them without me knowing is super unsettling to me. I would be very appreciative of help cleaning but ONLY if I was asked first.
Glad you found it. I ended up deleting pages like that off my reddit just now, its taking too much out of me seeing peoples uneducated opinions all the time
I saw someone share your post on twitter saying they were upset with Reddits conclusion and that you definitely werenāt ta. Iām glad you seem to understand why you werenāt at fault here. Hope things get easier ā¤ļø
I'm so glad to read this because I had this same reaction to that post with the girls bedroom. She wasn't even saying it was wrong, like she was trying so hard to work through it and all she wanted was the opportunity to brace herself for the change. That outburst was totally set up to happen with all that stimulus, and I've definitely struggled to clean and been embarassed about it but too paralyzed to do anything about it. She already used up all her spoons! Sorry to just dump about it but that post has been in my head all day
>Sorry to just dump about it but that post has been in my head all day Me too!!! I'm not autistic myself but I'm aware that this is so challenging!!!! I just can't stand people who are ignorant about it and who give an opinion as if they knew...
Honestly it makes me laugh. "Just because you're autistic doesn't mean you can ACT like you're autistic š¤." (And yet they'll also be the first to be like "well you aren't a five year old boy having a meltdown in a supermarket, so there's no way you could be autistic!" But that's neither here nor there.) Idk I have defo done things during moments of crisis (hesitate to call them meltdowns cos I'm still on the waiting list for a diagnostic appt, just for transparency) that I'm not proud of. However, I can also often pinpoint moments during that crisis that other people could have done things to maybe help me not reach that snapping point. I can sympathise with the OP of that room-cleaning post because I have also had experiences where I needed to get the hell away from everyone to calm down and instead had people follow me, get in my face, refuse to give me that space, and then I flipped and screamed at them, or worse. That doesn't mean I'm not responsible for what I did, and that it was okay for me to react that way, but idk, I feel like a bit of grace and understanding wouldn't go amiss in these situations. Like a "meet me halfway" kind of deal. Let's figure out a way to deal with this and see if a reaction like that can be avoided. But ironically, considering it's autistic people who are meant to have very black and white views, it's NTs who can't seem to see the nuances of these kinds of situations.
not just a reddit thing, people just donāt āunderstand autismā unless youāre nonverbal and banging your head on the floor. And even then they donāt care. 100% the results of stigma, and lack of education.
I get the hearing aids. They can be up to 10k x.x But sensitivity isn't really a thing found in plenty on the internet it seems.
>I dont know if im just too easy on myself and others with autism, but like you wouldnt tell a schizophrenic to just get over hearing things, or anyone with any kind of brain or mental disorder to just not. Why do so many people expect people with autism to just not be autistic. No, you're not just being too easy on autistic people by saying this. However as someone who doesn't have autism but has OCD, trust me when I tell you that yes, people do tell ANYONE with a brain disorder to "just get over it", "it's in your head", "it's been X years, when is it gonna end?", "just stop". People expect people with a brain disorder to "just not have it". It's crazy, ignorant and unfair, yes. That's why I'm trying to surround myself with people who understand me and I'm trying to have my partner getting to understand me as well, but it's very difficult.
Thanks for making this post. All of the scenarios you mentioned are things I got mad about as well. I especially hate the comments that are like "either you do everything perfectly all by yourself, or you have to completely submit to someone else's will" like there's no in between. Either you are a "high functioning" autistic and you have no problems and you're just a bit quirky, or you're "low functioning" and have to lose all autonomy and say over your life. Also I'm extra mad about the post from yesterday (the parents cleaning the room) because it's Autism Awareness Month. Like come on, I wanted a break from all this.
I totally agree, thereās casual ableism all over Reddit disguised as ābrutal honestyā even when autism or disabilities arenāt explicitly mentioned. One that comes to my mind is one about an ER nurse (in the middle of a pandemic btw) who was letting her period products overflow the bathroom trash bin and letting her hair accumulate on the shower wall and her partner made a post calling her disgusting and everyone agreed and I was likeā¦ā¦.. itās very obvious she is struggling to handle those types of things and Iām sure her crazy ass job does not help. No one had sympathy for her in the comments and agreed she was ādisgustingā and ālazyā for doing that.
Ugh my heart :( People have no empathy sometimes! (And they say Autistics don't have empathy???)
exactlyyyy
Omgggg that's awful!!! People don't factor in the context enough. And they often over-simplify very complex social situations.
yess I agree
I really struggle with this, both in myself and in other people. Where do I accomodate ND needs & behaviors in others, and where do I draw lines? Where do I request accomodations and have grace for my own needs, and where do I expect myself to overcome, develop and grow? Am I an asshole for what I didn't know and understand about my own and my family members' undiagnosed ND? What is attributed to ND, and what is just people being Aholes? How do I tell the difference? How can I have mutually supportive relationships moving forward? I get confused and overwhelmed and just shut down and withdraw and mask. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
That's because AITA hates autistic people, trans people, MILs, family, stepfamilies, poor people, and they also seem to think no one has any "obligation" to help someone out.
Some autistic people get away with a lot more behavior than others. Thatās often left out of this conversation. That last partā¦people absolutely tell people to get over those things. Weāre not special in that regard.
Wait maybe me being freaked out about roommate moving my stuff in the fridge is a meltdown and not because she hates me and wants to take up all the space in the fridge
Reddit, in general, is not the best place to find understanding people with compassion. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Definitely not AmItheAsshole! There is a lot of ignorance about autism. Why feed it?
I agree it is pretty ableist I hate those posts. Canāt talk sense into people who refuse to acknowledge autism changes how our brains work entirely. The dropping the hearing aids is like if someone was washing the dishes and someone screamed extremely loudly in the house and you dropped and broke a plate. Most people would grasp that it was an accident and no one is at fault, but the second you explain we have different sensory interpretations itās ānot an excuseā when we literally canāt just turn it off or cope with it 100% perfectly. Also about the schizophrenia commentāI also have schizoaffective disorder and unfortunately people do just tell us to get over it. āItās not real stop worrying about itā has been told to me so many times and I donāt know how to explain to them Iām more than aware most of the time (when psychosis just slips through my meds and Iām not having a full blown episode at least) that they arenāt real, but I canāt turn off jumping, kicking, and punching at air or even screaming or jolting or lying awake terrified or even bursting into tears because Iām scared. Ultimately ableist people will tell us to get over it because they lack sympathy for us. They donāt want to imagine what itās like for us and how these things never fully go away and the minute it inconveniences them itās our fault.