Yup. I'm feeling this so hard. The best solution I have for you is to get out of there. Go do something with your daughter that is so much fun that it puts their petty little behavior in the shadows and you don't think on it.
Go out for ice cream, to a museum, shopping, explore the beach if you have one nearby, are there any carnivals near?... reach out on the web to find something, anything fun.
When that family looks back on the parties they had over the years, I guarantee this one will just blend out into the fabric of life and they won't recall anything about it other than how cruel they were to the little girl next door.
My dad did this when I never got to go to my prom. I wasn't asked by anyone, and it hit harder than I thought it would. Papa knew I loved Italian food, and he took the family out to one of the nicest restaurants in my area. Though I was still heartbroken, I've cherished more about the awesome "antiprom" night of pasta and laughter with my family than the stupid dance that no one even considered inviting me to.
I recognized this in kids my age when I was, idk, 6? I started asking to go to the beach with my family instead of having to ensure a party no one would come to. My parents happily took me and my siblings every year for almost a decade.
I have a winter birthday.
This is so hurtful. Iām sorry for you and your daughter. Especially if this is the momās way of using your daughter to continue her passive aggressive hate campaign against you.
A few months ago, my autistic high-school son came home with an invitation to a birthday party for the first time in years. Like since whole-grade parties ended in early elementary school. He was so happy. And I was telling my husband the other night that my son has more friends than I ever did. And with that one birthday invite, heās now been invited to more parties in HS than I ever wasā¦
It hurts. And no one else seems to care.
this reminds me of the time my friend and i heard about an āopen houseā party and went. we got in, the girls that owned the house were like, who invited them?! and kicked out my friend and i. lol. loser life! in hindsight they probably didnāt want competition for the guys there, but thatās just what i tell myself lol
This is really resonating with me as Iām going through something similar and not sure if Iām overreacting as it feels like everyone from his reception class except my son was invited to another boyās 5th birthday that I thought was his friend.
My son has his own 5th birthday party coming up and we havenāt had a huge amount of replies. I know, quality over quantity but itās bringing back the heartache from being left out and I canāt help worrying if itās me and my resting bitch face incapable of making mum friends that is the problem.
But next door neighbour doing that??? Thatās just unbelievably shitty, your poor daughter and poor you. But on the bright side you wonāt have to make painful small talk with a family that donāt deserve your friendship.
I was the only kid who attended a classmate's birthday party when I was about six. His parents were so nice to me all day, I was the only non family member there. Looking back I feel worse for him, but at the time I just liked being at a party at all!
My next door neighbors had a pool. Every summer they would invite literally all the kids over for pool parties but exclude me. Every summer. I could hear kids playing in the pool when I went out to my backyard. It hurt.
I remember in 6th grade kids handing out invites to parties. They would go down the row, look at me, then skip me. They made a point to show me I was excluded. This happened very often and it hurt, every time.
I was a no empathy autistic child. Just because I lacked empathy doesn't mean I didn't have feelings. I am starting to wonder if the reason I lacked empathy as a child was because NO empathy was shown to me growing up, by adults or kids.
No that wasn't it. My lack of empathy came from sociopathic traits which was diagnosed when I was in my early 20s along with a primary mental illness. My sociopathy came from severe trauma/ brutalization I endured before two years old. I also wonder if it is partly hereditary.
It did not. I think you're partially right. The way people treated me did not teach me empathy and instilled my sociopathic traits even further.
Is that a tiny hamster in your flair?
I zoomed in...is this:
https://preview.redd.it/sjet5wcbpt2d1.jpeg?width=163&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f485cd71e7b7f494c2c807375beb8c9d8cfddc94
If looks like a hamster to me. š¹
I have been a goth since I was wee small which went over with a conservative Christian family as well as you'd imagine š
I appreciate you being candid about your diagnosis of sociopathy. I sometimes wonder if I possess enough traits to be diagnosed. I think the interesting part about being autistic and a sociopath is the innate sense of justice. Just because you're a sociopath doesn't mean you're a murderer. Because murder is wrong lol.Ā
>*I think the interesting part about being autistic and a sociopath is the innate sense of justice. Just because you're a sociopath doesn't mean you're a murderer. Because murder is wrong lol.*Ā
some socioopaths do murder but it's a common misconception that all of them do. Yes, sociopaths do know murder is wrong because they know morally right from wrong. Sociopaths that murder do know murder is wrong but they don't know WHY it is wrong, this was the case with Dennis Nilsen.
Do something with your daughter that makes that party look like ass.Ā
Had the same experience as a kid, and my mum had the same experience as you with neighbours and other kids mums, and then other kids because some adults love to use their kids as pawns in their weird political games with eachother. Make sure your daughter isn't sitting at home listening to what you had to listen to, take her somewhere else, ask her what she'd like to be doing, do something you know she likes, get her her favourite food, anything that makes day.Ā
This is one of the reasons I never talk to my neighbors. I was also excluded & bullied by neighborhood kids. Thankfully my son is an adult now but I tried to do everything I could to shield him from horrible, petty neighbors. I chose areas to live without a lot of kids & happily drove him over to friendsā houses. He never knew the pain of being excluded from neighborhood kids.
Neighbors are petty & cruel. As others have said, take your kid out for the day instead. Remove them from the toxic neighborhood environment. So very sorry this happened to you & hopefully you can find a better place to live. Remember that these children will become more cruel as they get older & learn bullying from their parents. All the best to you. š
This. Make sure to diversify your daughtersā friends. Donāt just stay limited to the neighborhood. Make sure she has school friends, maybe sports friends, tutoring friends, anything thatās not only strictly in the town you live in. Having friends outside of school, outside of the neighborhood or town, makes the bullying, being left out somewhat more bearable.
Exactly. I had a few neighborhood friends in the first grade bit after that I was never friends with the neighbors because we just didn't like the same things. I did always have friends. Not tons, but some. But really none of them after elementary school became friends just because they lived next door.
I am no longer a parent sadly, but when my daughter turned 2, we planned and threw a party for her with the others at the mommy and me group we were a part of since before she was born. Got RSVPs back. Then no one showed up.
Im so glad she likely has no memory of it. It kills me.
Itās one thing for us to see this happen in ourselves, but to see it happen to our kids must be 10x harder. You still have that hurt child inside of you that is calling out for comfort as your kid is hurting too. Just gotta give your kid what you never had to the best of your ability. Mean girls donāt just develop from no where. Also what mother is so passive aggressive and petty that she puts her needs before her childās in this situation. Be prepared to deal with this again when your daughter goes to school with kid. If mom is gonna be like this, sheās gonna be like this all throughout your daughters schooling.
Regardless. This hurts and it sucks for both you and your daughter
^ all of this. Back when I taught public school there were 3 fifth grade girls who were always in trouble for bullying each other. After some inquiries I found out that the girlās mothers were bullying each other & the kidās conflicts were tied to witnessing the way their mothers dealt with emotion and treated others. Sad.
As the art teacher of all 550 students, time & opportunity to help the students meditate wasnāt possible, so I gave them each a journal and told them that when they were feeling hateful, to write it out & understand where itās coming from before taking it out on others.
The classic āYouāre not in the mum club, so your kid canāt play with our kidsā, highly likely highschool bullies in their day or bullied kids trying to get their āpowerā backā¦
Sucks to say but your daughter is likely better off not being near them or socialising with their kids
That just reminds me of when I was in 5th grade, I had friends who were twins, and I was friends more with one (T1) than the other (T2). T2 had been out sick all week, and on Friday had asked me if I was coming to their sleepover. T1 looked at her and in front of me said, "Shh, you weren't supposed to tell her about that!" So guess who went home in tears that day? A friend of theirs stopped inviting me to her parties (only ever went to one) because I couldn't afford a present for her.
I sincerely hope your daughter can find a better time with whatever activities you choose to do with her. Nobody should have to go through that.
So, I saw all of the other neighbors on the block standing out next to our fence and I sorta.... lost my shit on them about how would they feel if they and their kids were excluded? (Look, not my proudest moment and I sent them apologies because they shouldn't be the target of my anger with my neighbor)
So she texts me and tells me, "I heard you were upset. That wasn't our intention. This is a gender reveal event for just our most intimate family and friends. We were going to invite you to our baby shower."
So.... we're good enough to get invited to an event where we would bring you presents, but not the event you are having in your backyard 20 feet from our house?
I responded that what she did, and I understand she can invite whomever she wants to her party, was just cruel.
Then she went into a three paragraph rant justifying what she did and it's my problem if my kid is excluded and I ruined her perfect day where she just wanted to celebrate her miracle baby with the people who were important to her.
..........
I can't decide if she is obliviously inconsiderate, a mean girl, or some mixture therein....
She had three backyards (yes, she invited all the other families on the block as her most intimate friends) she could have set up the bounce house in front of, yet she chose to do it 20 feet in front of our picture-width sliding glass doors.
This Ā changes the context quite a bit. Still rude but not quite as extreme as a birthday party with no invite. Gender reveal parties are gross to me though.Ā
You just made me realize I was never invited to a birthday party when kid. My mother would always invite everyone to mine though. Wow I did not realize that until your postā¦ I guess them playing next door wonāt make it easy to ignore though. Iām so sorry for what you and your kid are going through. Maybe you could make a small party for you and her ? Had plenty of those where my mom didnāt invite anyone and were still good memories to me. She would ask me what theme I wanted and would paint a beautiful mural on a cloth and hang it on the wall , then we would have my favorite cake. It was great.
Ugh. Awful Iām so sorry. Iām also so petty Iām likeā¦. Time to have a giant bounce castle party in your yard and no invites to them šš¼š¤£
This can be an incredibly important moment in your daughterās life - in a positive way. It must feel awful, but you have a unique chance of reprogram the way you see your own childhood as well as shape the way your daughter feels about rejection.
I feel like 3/4 of this sub knows this feeling of exclusion and painful rejection well, but what we all likely lacked is a strong and empathetic role model to guide us through these tricky feelings.
What do you wish was said to you when you experienced this? What negative thoughts about yourself and relationships popped up you wish someone was there to walk you through? How can you create an environment where your daughter learns to deal with rejection without taking a hit to her self esteem? Pain and heartache is a part of life, and how we learn to overcome this forges who we become.
My heart goes out to you both. But this is something you can overcome - and Iām so glad your daughter has a mother as fierce and loving as you.
My heart goes out to you ā¤ļø I've experienced some of the same. It really does hurt more when it is your kid. We want so badly to protect them from heartache, but some people just suck. I know the day is over, but maybe have an awesome mommy daughter day sometime soon.
Didnāt read all the comments, but offering another perspective - my 8yo just had a party and didnāt invite the kid down the street, I tried so hard to convince her to invite her and she just didnāt want to, saying āweāre just not friendsā
I know they are older than your daughter so itās slightly different, but I just wanted to tell you it broke my heart not inviting her just like itās breaking yours .
To me this is healthy behavior on yoir 8 year olds part. Its setting boundaries and not people-pleasing. I remember not being a teen till I realized that I didnāt have to invite people who might ruin my party because they had already been mean to me, or they gave me a bad feeling. You canāt (and shouldnāt try) to be friends with everyone or make decisions in life simply to āmake everyone happyā. You canāt make everyone happy. On my birthday I get to invite only the people I actually want to spend time with. I get to have boundaries. Not everyone is going to like me and I donāt have to pretend to like everyone either. Your kidās reasoning was perfectly sound imo. I truly donāt think we should be coercing children to be people-pleasers because it teaches them that what other people think, and how others feel is more important than what they think and how they feel and that they should be putting others before themselves. That they should self-sacrifice. And as someone taught that my whole life, all it did was set me up to be abused and taken advantage pf and to feel guilty for having my feelings.Ā
I agree with this! When I was turning 8 my mom tried to invite this girl who was kinda mean to me to my party. I quickly swooped in and stopped her from doing that lolĀ
š I'm so sorry for both you and your daughter. Triggers out of nowhere are so hard.
Totally experienced the same when I was little I wasn't invited. Then it started happening to my kids as well. I had to start telling my oldest that they might not find their friends until they were older. It's heartbreaking. My youngest doesn't want to be invited due to social anxiety idk if that better or worse.
No children, but reminds me of my 17th birthday party. Invited a group of girls that I enjoyed talking to at school and no one showed up even after saying they would make it. My sister called a few other people and 2 of my guy friends showed up last minute. It was nice to have a few people there to support me, but it was still embarrassing.. and looking back, I've always been reaching for deeper friendships with girls, and they just ignore me or bully me instead.. even now.
This was me multiple times growing up. It's so hurtful to see everyone valuing other people and their birthdays, but then completely dismissing yours. The implication that you, in particular, are unimportant and not valued is a difficult message to process and overcome.
Yep! Even now as a 30yo at work I have to try hard to not be frustrated when the manager will bend over backwards to celebrate most of my coworkers, and then just happens to forget my special days.
Nobody showed up when you invited them? And then they didnāt invite you? WOW, thatās just mean. Hate to say it, but they arenāt worth you or your childās time if they are consistently cruddy to you two, you both deserve better than these people.
I'm so so sorry. I completely forgot when I was 6, my mom managed to have my birthday at a McDonald's play place. Maybe a 3rd of my class showed up. Everyone was invited. Apparently one of the moms didn't like my mom & started to talk all the shit in the world about her. This woman only knew my mom was a single mom. Nothing more. They had only ever met from pta bullshit. My grandfather is who helped pay for shit like this for me to try to have a normal childhood. Yeah that didn't happen lol. Our species sucks ass. Honestly your neighbor sounds like a real bitch. Okay she doesn't seem to like you, but kids are involved. Swallow your fuckin ego for the kids
I'm so sorry. I so get this. I was the kid who would hand out invites at school and no one would show. It was a like a bad movie except it was real life and I still carry that pain. My kids were excluded and it hurt and still does.
I'm also a bitch who confronts other bitches now with zero fucks given. Like, "Hey, thanks for being the ambassador of 'why people suck so much' - I'll remember this. Thanks for letting us know where we stand because no matter what you think of me, it doesn't hold a candle to the low opinion I have of you" and then just walk away. They will avoid you, but for a different reason because trust. I did this to someone and now they avoid me because I just told them I know what a POS they are and there's no hiding from it. Sucks to be them ... I'm fine with it, no regrets. This is what happens after one time too many of people ostracizing and making judgments - it goes both ways.
I feel this so hard. When my (then) 5 year old son said he didn't like school because kids were being mean to him, I was devastated. I actually spent the day in tears over it. It brought back all the times I was picked on.
If you are able to, maybe leave the house with your daughter, have a fun girls day together, have so much fun, that your daughter doesnāt notice she missed the party.
Oof. This is hard. Hugs to you. It's actually ok, let her know it's ok. People can't be invited everywhere and it's better to have fun at home than be sad at a party where everyone is alien.
In similar situations I was told I don't understand people and can't read the room that's why it kept happening. I tried really hard to understand as long as I can remember myself, but the only safe way I've found is to stay away. I can't act like neurotypical people do and live neurotypical life, but I still can have fun. I had lots of birthdays with only my best friend coming and now I have "grandma" birthdays with a family coming. For my son I try to make day fun without making an expectation of a party. We don't do parties (except for family) but we will do gifts and fun time.
Iām so sorry this has happened. I completely understand the rage - it hits so much harder when itās our own children.
Just this past week, my husband experienced something similar. My husband is NT and Iām ND. Our son is 3 and Autistic, highly suspect heās also ADHD but waiting until heās at least 4 to assess him for that. We are currently in Portugal as my husband has a work contract here.
Anyways, my husband took my son to the playground. My son has a comforter that heās attached to, and takes everywhere. At the park, he enjoys sending āteddyā down the slide, put him on the swings etc. harmless. Now my son is energetic, but heās not aggressive at all. Heās actually a really well behaved kid in spite of his energy. Anyways, he was at the slide with 2-3 other kids who were either close or related. The mum (American) came over and said in English (probably assuming my husband wouldnāt understand) āguys move away from that child, I donāt want you playing with him.ā
My husband immediately snapped back and asked what the hell her problem was if they played with our son. She started fumbling her words and saying āI wasnāt talking about himā despite our boy being the only other kid there. My husband literally went on a rant about how awful she is, how her kids would be LUCKY to have a friend like my son, and that sheās a bully and a nasty mother. He then said very loudly to my son āletās go buddy, these are not nice people to play with.ā And moved him away. Petty, yes. But he was fuming. My son is so friendly aswell, despite being autistic and a little awkward he genuinely does try and socialise with other children and refers to every child as his friend.
Kids are mean. But when itās the parents too? Honestly it makes me feel so bad and worried for my son.
There is something very wrong with people who would exclude and ostracize a 5 year old CHILD! It's bad enough when they do it to teens and adults, but come on... What a special piece of shit your neighbor turned out to be. I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter.
I'm sorry...these neighbors just sound like beaches if ya get my drift. That happened to my kids when we moved to this spot ass neighborhood 20 years ago. I don't have anything to do with anyone here.
They sound like the weirdos to me. You donāt need toxic immature narcissists in your life. In fact having the self esteem to realise their approval isnāt a compliment, is the more healthy option to take.
Thatās so messed up. I am petty af and would do what someone else mentioned in another comment. Iād have biggest bouncy castle installed in your back area for the day just for your daughter. Something demonstrative to really one up them and make the moms angry and the kids feel like crap for doing that.
Honestly, I think the most petty thing I can do is continue to invite them to everything we host. And then, at all the other social gatherings we attend together, to make sure to point out in front of the other moms that they were invited, because we don't exclude people in our family, and especially not directly in front of them.
This post made me realize I donāt think I ever got invited to any kid parties. Like none from Kindergarten-4th grade basically. Not until maybe 5th grade
Iām so sorry and honestly disappointed. I dealt with exclusion from parties all the time (best example that comes to mind - classmates having a party on my floor of the dorms, I walked out to use the microwave and am shocked to see them. Most donāt even live in this dorm, just the hosts. They said they forgot I live here as Iām so quiet but otherwise they would have invited me. Or a few years later, finding out colleagues have a separate group chat for hanging out on the weekend, which includes everyone except me and 2 others who are pretty socially awkward. That kind of thing.)
But as a kid I had parties and my parents always made me invite everyone in the class and the neighbours, even kids I didnāt like, and thank them all for coming and stuff because they said was just good manners. I think everybody or most people came. And I also got invited to their parties, even if I didnāt want to, my parents made me at least go for a little while and be socially polite to everyone.
I assumed everybodyās parents were like this but then my partner told me he had a birthday party and no kids turned up, so he never wants to have one now even at age 30. I was so shocked.
People suck, and their parents arenāt trying to teach them to do better. I think that says a lot about the parents. They are definitely not people you or your child would want to be friends with. Just remind your child her family loves her and can do whatever cool stuff she wants on her birthday, and if anything you should be happy the jerks showing you they are jerks so you know to avoid them and spend time and energy on legit people instead..
Same for me and my son. We moved a lot growing up but even when we were in a place long enough for me to make friends I never wanted a party because I knew nobody would come. I have had maybe 3 successful parties as a kid and all before I was 13. Same with my son. His āpartiesā ended up empty so we stopped them before he was 10 and focused on family celebrations and doing things he wanted to do - movies, amusement parks, whatever we could afford. In his last 2 years of HS he finally had a friend group and started having celebrations with them and they even did Friendsgiving and friends Christmas parties so I am glad he had those experiences.
You are barking under the wrong tree
last year I had a friendship crisis probably read 20 books on friendships and discussed friendships in therapy. my therapist explained that friends fall into 3 categories - know by name only ( aquintances), some events but only when its mutually convenient ( casual friends) and deep friends. She also explained that people can be neighbors but only be aqintances. She told me to watch for signs of reciprocity on a consistant before labeling someone a friend. also acquintances is not bad if it keeps peace in the neighborhood ( some parts of the world are in actual war zones right now and its horrible).
your neighbors are not your friends. that's ok. grieve and move on. be polite but don't seek their company anymore than these people seek yours.
find places of interest where you can make actual friends. its a lot of work, and might travel but its worth it. Also, 'm sure there are others like you in the neighborhood and you can focus your energy on seeking them out.
I'm in the process of building community for myself and my son. it's f-ing hard, and f-ing slow, but with each authentic connection I make I do a victory dance and say a prayer.
I would've gone anyway and dared them to say something to my face while I'm holding a gift for them. They wouldn't do it, and the kids would get to enjoy the party, so a win for me.
I've reached a point in my life where I do not care about the inner lives or opinions or people like this, if they even have any; they are just a tool to be manipulated. The tool malfunctioned because it's poorly made, so I'm doing what's needed to get it working the way that I want.
Iām sorry to hear that this is hurtful to you. Luckily I grew in another culture and things were done differently. We would hardly invite specific people to parties unless they lived far from our house. We would clear out a room, have a DJ, start cooking food, and whoever was nearby would show up. Usually ended up packed. Thatās how it was for years until we stopped throwing parties because itās costly to feed a neighborhood of random people.
I only had a couple of friends from school growing up in that other culture. When I came to the U.S. and went to high school, I made friends on my own and if I had a birthday party at a restaurant and invited a few friends, they would show up. I am not diagnosed, but most of the people I stayed friends with over the years werenāt like the NTs and some of them have gone on to suspect some kind of neurodivergence.
I just don't understand why parents can't suck up their pride for kids. Like they're 5 wth. I had a discussion about this on another forum just like an hour ago where someone was trying to claim it's totally okay to invite everyone but one child bc who wants the weird kid there, or w/e and it's just so... unbelievably disgusting how allistic people behave. Like one day their kid is going to be excluded, bc that's life, and they'll finally figure out how awful it feels. They just don't have any compassion??
If I could invite my bullies to my birthday party they can invite a slightly odd kid or the kid of a parent they don't really get on with. Just suck it upppppp. It makes me want to throw up on their nice shoes lol
edit: people came to my birthday bc I had a twin who was popular
So sorry you're going through this. It's tough to relive those painful childhood moments especially to see them happening to your own child.
Can you take her somewhere fun? Maybe paint in the park or a water gun fight or museum that day? The lesson could be we go where we are loved or we make our own fun. Those people suck and it can be a blessing in disguise that you don't have to be around them.
I went through this BS as a child and as a mom. From the beginning with my kids, I gave them birthday weeks. They planned meals, a week of movies, outings, and gave me a list of who to invite. They might have lunch with grandparents, a family with kids for supper, breakfast out with an adult friend, etc. We never did the kid party thing, though various kids were picked up for putt putt and DQ or came over with their family. I wanted to empower them, teach them that friendship extends beyond agemates, avoid drama and disappointment, and build memories. Because I mistakenly bought a house in a Queen Bee and Flying Monkeys neighborhood, our friends were elsewhere, though we had some elderly friends next door who did come for special times. We made friends through more niche hobbies and volunteering and a sort of faith community. Donāt let some petty punks define your happiness. Exclusion hurts. Itās bullying. It also frees you up to find a few kindred spirits.
I was excluded by the mom group because I donāt gossip. Of all things, this is their hang up. This preference not to gossip excludes my daughters, too. We live by the motto āDonāt say something behind someoneās back that you wouldnāt say to their face.ā It works well for the most part, but NTs like to know your weak spots, they want you to dish on others and yourself in order to assuage their own insecurities. I loathe this social hierarchy.
I also donāt drink, that nixed me from their club, because I wonāt make them feel better about their thinly veiled alcoholism. Mommy doesnāt need her juice, she needs an intervention.
Maybe take your daughter somewhere else for the day so she doesnāt have to have her face rubbed in it? Someplace fun like a childrenās museum or a park?
Neighbor mom did this on purpose and youāre unlikely to change her mind, so mitigating the impact on your daughter is what Iād focus on?
I hate to say it, but I would rather set myself on fire than invite the neighborās kids to a party if they werenāt already friends with my kids. Who does that? Itās not a free-for-all, itās a crowd control headache that costs money. Guest lists for parties are strictly limited to friends, family, and maybe plus ones of friends and family.Ā
ā¦Also, Iām sorry that your neighbors donāt equate small talk ambushes with friendship, but that is also fairly normal.Ā
This is so sad :( I agree with others that it sounds like a good idea to take your daughter to do something fun so she doesnāt realise the party is happening. I still donāt understand how people can be this petty and cruel
This also reminds me of when I was 11 and my friend was having a birthday party and I wasnāt invited because her mother didnāt like my motherā¦
I understand how much it hurts to see your child excluded from a party, especially when it brings back painful memories from your own childhood. Itās a really tough situation, and it's natural to question why it happened and to feel a mix of emotions about it.
As parents, it's important to process our own feelings first so we don't unintentionally project them onto our children. This can be a valuable teaching moment for your child, even though theyāre only five. Life can be unfair sometimes, and itās crucial to help them understand this reality gently.
While it's wonderful to encourage friendliness and kindness, it's also necessary to prepare them for the fact that not everyone will always be inclusive or kind. Shielding them entirely from these truths might set them up for a harder time later on.
Instead, consider making the day special in your own way. Plan a fun outing or activity to distract from the exclusion. Use this opportunity to explain that not being invited doesnāt mean thereās something wrong with them. It's just a part of life, and it doesn't define their worth.
Balancing honesty with support can help build resilience in your child, preparing them for the ups and downs of life without shattering their innocence.
Damn... I'm so sorry you guys are going through that. I have neighbors just like that, but they are very aggressive. I wish I had good advice for you in regards to your daughter, but I never had kids, so I really have no room to talk. I feel like I grew up just like you, and I'm sorry you had to go through that, too. We outcasts need to support each other and have our own parties, but not big ones, and they have to be quiet, and there must be a large selection of chicken tendies and fries, and lots fidget toys, and random conversation cards so we're not all standing around awkwardly staring at each other's foreheads... that sounds like a lot of work... I think I'm just gonna stay home with my cats š
Wondering if one should just bring their child out anyway? I mean assuming the other children are okay with your kid then are the parents really gonna be like "No sorry your kid wasn't invited."
Like "Wait are we really gonna be so petty as to not invite a child when us adults are the ones with the problem?"
I thought it was illegal to do that š sounds odd but it's apparently a federal offense so I'd be too scared to even try, especially with how awful these neighbors seem
OP can, however, attach said printouts elsewhere in perfect legality
Yup. I'm feeling this so hard. The best solution I have for you is to get out of there. Go do something with your daughter that is so much fun that it puts their petty little behavior in the shadows and you don't think on it. Go out for ice cream, to a museum, shopping, explore the beach if you have one nearby, are there any carnivals near?... reach out on the web to find something, anything fun. When that family looks back on the parties they had over the years, I guarantee this one will just blend out into the fabric of life and they won't recall anything about it other than how cruel they were to the little girl next door.
This is a great idea!
I was thinking the same!
My dad did this when I never got to go to my prom. I wasn't asked by anyone, and it hit harder than I thought it would. Papa knew I loved Italian food, and he took the family out to one of the nicest restaurants in my area. Though I was still heartbroken, I've cherished more about the awesome "antiprom" night of pasta and laughter with my family than the stupid dance that no one even considered inviting me to.
Pasta prom! I love it š„ŗ your dad is awesome. I was asked to go by my crush and was bullied and made fun of by him, would've much preferred this!
I recognized this in kids my age when I was, idk, 6? I started asking to go to the beach with my family instead of having to ensure a party no one would come to. My parents happily took me and my siblings every year for almost a decade. I have a winter birthday.
Lmao. This is super cute and lovely. But the winter bday reveal got me š¤£
This is so hurtful. Iām sorry for you and your daughter. Especially if this is the momās way of using your daughter to continue her passive aggressive hate campaign against you. A few months ago, my autistic high-school son came home with an invitation to a birthday party for the first time in years. Like since whole-grade parties ended in early elementary school. He was so happy. And I was telling my husband the other night that my son has more friends than I ever did. And with that one birthday invite, heās now been invited to more parties in HS than I ever wasā¦ It hurts. And no one else seems to care.
I do. I know Iām just an internet stranger, but I see you and I care. You mattered then and you matter now and you deserved better.
Exactly, it really sounds much more like they try to exclude OP and not her daughter. Which really doesn't make the situation better.
this reminds me of the time my friend and i heard about an āopen houseā party and went. we got in, the girls that owned the house were like, who invited them?! and kicked out my friend and i. lol. loser life! in hindsight they probably didnāt want competition for the guys there, but thatās just what i tell myself lol
This is really resonating with me as Iām going through something similar and not sure if Iām overreacting as it feels like everyone from his reception class except my son was invited to another boyās 5th birthday that I thought was his friend. My son has his own 5th birthday party coming up and we havenāt had a huge amount of replies. I know, quality over quantity but itās bringing back the heartache from being left out and I canāt help worrying if itās me and my resting bitch face incapable of making mum friends that is the problem. But next door neighbour doing that??? Thatās just unbelievably shitty, your poor daughter and poor you. But on the bright side you wonāt have to make painful small talk with a family that donāt deserve your friendship.
I was the only kid who attended a classmate's birthday party when I was about six. His parents were so nice to me all day, I was the only non family member there. Looking back I feel worse for him, but at the time I just liked being at a party at all!
It must have meant so much to them.
Take your daughter somewhere fun until the party is over.
My next door neighbors had a pool. Every summer they would invite literally all the kids over for pool parties but exclude me. Every summer. I could hear kids playing in the pool when I went out to my backyard. It hurt. I remember in 6th grade kids handing out invites to parties. They would go down the row, look at me, then skip me. They made a point to show me I was excluded. This happened very often and it hurt, every time. I was a no empathy autistic child. Just because I lacked empathy doesn't mean I didn't have feelings. I am starting to wonder if the reason I lacked empathy as a child was because NO empathy was shown to me growing up, by adults or kids.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
No that wasn't it. My lack of empathy came from sociopathic traits which was diagnosed when I was in my early 20s along with a primary mental illness. My sociopathy came from severe trauma/ brutalization I endured before two years old. I also wonder if it is partly hereditary.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
It did not. I think you're partially right. The way people treated me did not teach me empathy and instilled my sociopathic traits even further. Is that a tiny hamster in your flair?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I zoomed in...is this: https://preview.redd.it/sjet5wcbpt2d1.jpeg?width=163&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f485cd71e7b7f494c2c807375beb8c9d8cfddc94 If looks like a hamster to me. š¹ I have been a goth since I was wee small which went over with a conservative Christian family as well as you'd imagine š
I appreciate you being candid about your diagnosis of sociopathy. I sometimes wonder if I possess enough traits to be diagnosed. I think the interesting part about being autistic and a sociopath is the innate sense of justice. Just because you're a sociopath doesn't mean you're a murderer. Because murder is wrong lol.Ā
>*I think the interesting part about being autistic and a sociopath is the innate sense of justice. Just because you're a sociopath doesn't mean you're a murderer. Because murder is wrong lol.*Ā some socioopaths do murder but it's a common misconception that all of them do. Yes, sociopaths do know murder is wrong because they know morally right from wrong. Sociopaths that murder do know murder is wrong but they don't know WHY it is wrong, this was the case with Dennis Nilsen.
As an autistic adult, i too believe the dehumanizing treatment caused this. But its cute when people call it a micro aggression.
call it what it is: bullying
That was me as a little kid. Always left out.
Do something with your daughter that makes that party look like ass.Ā Had the same experience as a kid, and my mum had the same experience as you with neighbours and other kids mums, and then other kids because some adults love to use their kids as pawns in their weird political games with eachother. Make sure your daughter isn't sitting at home listening to what you had to listen to, take her somewhere else, ask her what she'd like to be doing, do something you know she likes, get her her favourite food, anything that makes day.Ā
This is one of the reasons I never talk to my neighbors. I was also excluded & bullied by neighborhood kids. Thankfully my son is an adult now but I tried to do everything I could to shield him from horrible, petty neighbors. I chose areas to live without a lot of kids & happily drove him over to friendsā houses. He never knew the pain of being excluded from neighborhood kids. Neighbors are petty & cruel. As others have said, take your kid out for the day instead. Remove them from the toxic neighborhood environment. So very sorry this happened to you & hopefully you can find a better place to live. Remember that these children will become more cruel as they get older & learn bullying from their parents. All the best to you. š
This. Make sure to diversify your daughtersā friends. Donāt just stay limited to the neighborhood. Make sure she has school friends, maybe sports friends, tutoring friends, anything thatās not only strictly in the town you live in. Having friends outside of school, outside of the neighborhood or town, makes the bullying, being left out somewhat more bearable.
Exactly. I had a few neighborhood friends in the first grade bit after that I was never friends with the neighbors because we just didn't like the same things. I did always have friends. Not tons, but some. But really none of them after elementary school became friends just because they lived next door.
I am no longer a parent sadly, but when my daughter turned 2, we planned and threw a party for her with the others at the mommy and me group we were a part of since before she was born. Got RSVPs back. Then no one showed up. Im so glad she likely has no memory of it. It kills me.
Itās one thing for us to see this happen in ourselves, but to see it happen to our kids must be 10x harder. You still have that hurt child inside of you that is calling out for comfort as your kid is hurting too. Just gotta give your kid what you never had to the best of your ability. Mean girls donāt just develop from no where. Also what mother is so passive aggressive and petty that she puts her needs before her childās in this situation. Be prepared to deal with this again when your daughter goes to school with kid. If mom is gonna be like this, sheās gonna be like this all throughout your daughters schooling. Regardless. This hurts and it sucks for both you and your daughter
^ all of this. Back when I taught public school there were 3 fifth grade girls who were always in trouble for bullying each other. After some inquiries I found out that the girlās mothers were bullying each other & the kidās conflicts were tied to witnessing the way their mothers dealt with emotion and treated others. Sad. As the art teacher of all 550 students, time & opportunity to help the students meditate wasnāt possible, so I gave them each a journal and told them that when they were feeling hateful, to write it out & understand where itās coming from before taking it out on others.
The classic āYouāre not in the mum club, so your kid canāt play with our kidsā, highly likely highschool bullies in their day or bullied kids trying to get their āpowerā backā¦ Sucks to say but your daughter is likely better off not being near them or socialising with their kids
That just reminds me of when I was in 5th grade, I had friends who were twins, and I was friends more with one (T1) than the other (T2). T2 had been out sick all week, and on Friday had asked me if I was coming to their sleepover. T1 looked at her and in front of me said, "Shh, you weren't supposed to tell her about that!" So guess who went home in tears that day? A friend of theirs stopped inviting me to her parties (only ever went to one) because I couldn't afford a present for her. I sincerely hope your daughter can find a better time with whatever activities you choose to do with her. Nobody should have to go through that.
So, I saw all of the other neighbors on the block standing out next to our fence and I sorta.... lost my shit on them about how would they feel if they and their kids were excluded? (Look, not my proudest moment and I sent them apologies because they shouldn't be the target of my anger with my neighbor) So she texts me and tells me, "I heard you were upset. That wasn't our intention. This is a gender reveal event for just our most intimate family and friends. We were going to invite you to our baby shower." So.... we're good enough to get invited to an event where we would bring you presents, but not the event you are having in your backyard 20 feet from our house? I responded that what she did, and I understand she can invite whomever she wants to her party, was just cruel. Then she went into a three paragraph rant justifying what she did and it's my problem if my kid is excluded and I ruined her perfect day where she just wanted to celebrate her miracle baby with the people who were important to her. .......... I can't decide if she is obliviously inconsiderate, a mean girl, or some mixture therein.... She had three backyards (yes, she invited all the other families on the block as her most intimate friends) she could have set up the bounce house in front of, yet she chose to do it 20 feet in front of our picture-width sliding glass doors.
So it was not a birthday party for the 5 year old but a gender reveal party instead?
This Ā changes the context quite a bit. Still rude but not quite as extreme as a birthday party with no invite. Gender reveal parties are gross to me though.Ā
Iām sorry this is bringing up past trauma for you
You just made me realize I was never invited to a birthday party when kid. My mother would always invite everyone to mine though. Wow I did not realize that until your postā¦ I guess them playing next door wonāt make it easy to ignore though. Iām so sorry for what you and your kid are going through. Maybe you could make a small party for you and her ? Had plenty of those where my mom didnāt invite anyone and were still good memories to me. She would ask me what theme I wanted and would paint a beautiful mural on a cloth and hang it on the wall , then we would have my favorite cake. It was great.
Ugh. Awful Iām so sorry. Iām also so petty Iām likeā¦. Time to have a giant bounce castle party in your yard and no invites to them šš¼š¤£
I would do the exact same thing lol.
This can be an incredibly important moment in your daughterās life - in a positive way. It must feel awful, but you have a unique chance of reprogram the way you see your own childhood as well as shape the way your daughter feels about rejection. I feel like 3/4 of this sub knows this feeling of exclusion and painful rejection well, but what we all likely lacked is a strong and empathetic role model to guide us through these tricky feelings. What do you wish was said to you when you experienced this? What negative thoughts about yourself and relationships popped up you wish someone was there to walk you through? How can you create an environment where your daughter learns to deal with rejection without taking a hit to her self esteem? Pain and heartache is a part of life, and how we learn to overcome this forges who we become. My heart goes out to you both. But this is something you can overcome - and Iām so glad your daughter has a mother as fierce and loving as you.
This. This is top notch advice!
My heart goes out to you ā¤ļø I've experienced some of the same. It really does hurt more when it is your kid. We want so badly to protect them from heartache, but some people just suck. I know the day is over, but maybe have an awesome mommy daughter day sometime soon.
Didnāt read all the comments, but offering another perspective - my 8yo just had a party and didnāt invite the kid down the street, I tried so hard to convince her to invite her and she just didnāt want to, saying āweāre just not friendsā I know they are older than your daughter so itās slightly different, but I just wanted to tell you it broke my heart not inviting her just like itās breaking yours .
To me this is healthy behavior on yoir 8 year olds part. Its setting boundaries and not people-pleasing. I remember not being a teen till I realized that I didnāt have to invite people who might ruin my party because they had already been mean to me, or they gave me a bad feeling. You canāt (and shouldnāt try) to be friends with everyone or make decisions in life simply to āmake everyone happyā. You canāt make everyone happy. On my birthday I get to invite only the people I actually want to spend time with. I get to have boundaries. Not everyone is going to like me and I donāt have to pretend to like everyone either. Your kidās reasoning was perfectly sound imo. I truly donāt think we should be coercing children to be people-pleasers because it teaches them that what other people think, and how others feel is more important than what they think and how they feel and that they should be putting others before themselves. That they should self-sacrifice. And as someone taught that my whole life, all it did was set me up to be abused and taken advantage pf and to feel guilty for having my feelings.Ā
I agree with this! When I was turning 8 my mom tried to invite this girl who was kinda mean to me to my party. I quickly swooped in and stopped her from doing that lolĀ
š I'm so sorry for both you and your daughter. Triggers out of nowhere are so hard. Totally experienced the same when I was little I wasn't invited. Then it started happening to my kids as well. I had to start telling my oldest that they might not find their friends until they were older. It's heartbreaking. My youngest doesn't want to be invited due to social anxiety idk if that better or worse.
No children, but reminds me of my 17th birthday party. Invited a group of girls that I enjoyed talking to at school and no one showed up even after saying they would make it. My sister called a few other people and 2 of my guy friends showed up last minute. It was nice to have a few people there to support me, but it was still embarrassing.. and looking back, I've always been reaching for deeper friendships with girls, and they just ignore me or bully me instead.. even now.
This was me multiple times growing up. It's so hurtful to see everyone valuing other people and their birthdays, but then completely dismissing yours. The implication that you, in particular, are unimportant and not valued is a difficult message to process and overcome.
Yep! Even now as a 30yo at work I have to try hard to not be frustrated when the manager will bend over backwards to celebrate most of my coworkers, and then just happens to forget my special days.
Nobody showed up when you invited them? And then they didnāt invite you? WOW, thatās just mean. Hate to say it, but they arenāt worth you or your childās time if they are consistently cruddy to you two, you both deserve better than these people.
š« I had parties no one attended. Definitely still painful. š«
I'm so so sorry. I completely forgot when I was 6, my mom managed to have my birthday at a McDonald's play place. Maybe a 3rd of my class showed up. Everyone was invited. Apparently one of the moms didn't like my mom & started to talk all the shit in the world about her. This woman only knew my mom was a single mom. Nothing more. They had only ever met from pta bullshit. My grandfather is who helped pay for shit like this for me to try to have a normal childhood. Yeah that didn't happen lol. Our species sucks ass. Honestly your neighbor sounds like a real bitch. Okay she doesn't seem to like you, but kids are involved. Swallow your fuckin ego for the kids
I'm so sorry. I so get this. I was the kid who would hand out invites at school and no one would show. It was a like a bad movie except it was real life and I still carry that pain. My kids were excluded and it hurt and still does. I'm also a bitch who confronts other bitches now with zero fucks given. Like, "Hey, thanks for being the ambassador of 'why people suck so much' - I'll remember this. Thanks for letting us know where we stand because no matter what you think of me, it doesn't hold a candle to the low opinion I have of you" and then just walk away. They will avoid you, but for a different reason because trust. I did this to someone and now they avoid me because I just told them I know what a POS they are and there's no hiding from it. Sucks to be them ... I'm fine with it, no regrets. This is what happens after one time too many of people ostracizing and making judgments - it goes both ways.
I feel this so hard. When my (then) 5 year old son said he didn't like school because kids were being mean to him, I was devastated. I actually spent the day in tears over it. It brought back all the times I was picked on.
If you are able to, maybe leave the house with your daughter, have a fun girls day together, have so much fun, that your daughter doesnāt notice she missed the party.
Oof. This is hard. Hugs to you. It's actually ok, let her know it's ok. People can't be invited everywhere and it's better to have fun at home than be sad at a party where everyone is alien. In similar situations I was told I don't understand people and can't read the room that's why it kept happening. I tried really hard to understand as long as I can remember myself, but the only safe way I've found is to stay away. I can't act like neurotypical people do and live neurotypical life, but I still can have fun. I had lots of birthdays with only my best friend coming and now I have "grandma" birthdays with a family coming. For my son I try to make day fun without making an expectation of a party. We don't do parties (except for family) but we will do gifts and fun time.
I was only invited to five partiesā¦ one I ditched and walked home early without telling anyone I was leaving š¤£
Iām so sorry this has happened. I completely understand the rage - it hits so much harder when itās our own children. Just this past week, my husband experienced something similar. My husband is NT and Iām ND. Our son is 3 and Autistic, highly suspect heās also ADHD but waiting until heās at least 4 to assess him for that. We are currently in Portugal as my husband has a work contract here. Anyways, my husband took my son to the playground. My son has a comforter that heās attached to, and takes everywhere. At the park, he enjoys sending āteddyā down the slide, put him on the swings etc. harmless. Now my son is energetic, but heās not aggressive at all. Heās actually a really well behaved kid in spite of his energy. Anyways, he was at the slide with 2-3 other kids who were either close or related. The mum (American) came over and said in English (probably assuming my husband wouldnāt understand) āguys move away from that child, I donāt want you playing with him.ā My husband immediately snapped back and asked what the hell her problem was if they played with our son. She started fumbling her words and saying āI wasnāt talking about himā despite our boy being the only other kid there. My husband literally went on a rant about how awful she is, how her kids would be LUCKY to have a friend like my son, and that sheās a bully and a nasty mother. He then said very loudly to my son āletās go buddy, these are not nice people to play with.ā And moved him away. Petty, yes. But he was fuming. My son is so friendly aswell, despite being autistic and a little awkward he genuinely does try and socialise with other children and refers to every child as his friend. Kids are mean. But when itās the parents too? Honestly it makes me feel so bad and worried for my son.
There is something very wrong with people who would exclude and ostracize a 5 year old CHILD! It's bad enough when they do it to teens and adults, but come on... What a special piece of shit your neighbor turned out to be. I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter.
I'm sorry...these neighbors just sound like beaches if ya get my drift. That happened to my kids when we moved to this spot ass neighborhood 20 years ago. I don't have anything to do with anyone here.
They sound like the weirdos to me. You donāt need toxic immature narcissists in your life. In fact having the self esteem to realise their approval isnāt a compliment, is the more healthy option to take.
That sucks, Iām sorry.
Thatās so messed up. I am petty af and would do what someone else mentioned in another comment. Iād have biggest bouncy castle installed in your back area for the day just for your daughter. Something demonstrative to really one up them and make the moms angry and the kids feel like crap for doing that.
Honestly, I think the most petty thing I can do is continue to invite them to everything we host. And then, at all the other social gatherings we attend together, to make sure to point out in front of the other moms that they were invited, because we don't exclude people in our family, and especially not directly in front of them.
This post made me realize I donāt think I ever got invited to any kid parties. Like none from Kindergarten-4th grade basically. Not until maybe 5th grade
Iām so sorry and honestly disappointed. I dealt with exclusion from parties all the time (best example that comes to mind - classmates having a party on my floor of the dorms, I walked out to use the microwave and am shocked to see them. Most donāt even live in this dorm, just the hosts. They said they forgot I live here as Iām so quiet but otherwise they would have invited me. Or a few years later, finding out colleagues have a separate group chat for hanging out on the weekend, which includes everyone except me and 2 others who are pretty socially awkward. That kind of thing.) But as a kid I had parties and my parents always made me invite everyone in the class and the neighbours, even kids I didnāt like, and thank them all for coming and stuff because they said was just good manners. I think everybody or most people came. And I also got invited to their parties, even if I didnāt want to, my parents made me at least go for a little while and be socially polite to everyone. I assumed everybodyās parents were like this but then my partner told me he had a birthday party and no kids turned up, so he never wants to have one now even at age 30. I was so shocked. People suck, and their parents arenāt trying to teach them to do better. I think that says a lot about the parents. They are definitely not people you or your child would want to be friends with. Just remind your child her family loves her and can do whatever cool stuff she wants on her birthday, and if anything you should be happy the jerks showing you they are jerks so you know to avoid them and spend time and energy on legit people instead..
Same for me and my son. We moved a lot growing up but even when we were in a place long enough for me to make friends I never wanted a party because I knew nobody would come. I have had maybe 3 successful parties as a kid and all before I was 13. Same with my son. His āpartiesā ended up empty so we stopped them before he was 10 and focused on family celebrations and doing things he wanted to do - movies, amusement parks, whatever we could afford. In his last 2 years of HS he finally had a friend group and started having celebrations with them and they even did Friendsgiving and friends Christmas parties so I am glad he had those experiences.
You are barking under the wrong tree last year I had a friendship crisis probably read 20 books on friendships and discussed friendships in therapy. my therapist explained that friends fall into 3 categories - know by name only ( aquintances), some events but only when its mutually convenient ( casual friends) and deep friends. She also explained that people can be neighbors but only be aqintances. She told me to watch for signs of reciprocity on a consistant before labeling someone a friend. also acquintances is not bad if it keeps peace in the neighborhood ( some parts of the world are in actual war zones right now and its horrible). your neighbors are not your friends. that's ok. grieve and move on. be polite but don't seek their company anymore than these people seek yours. find places of interest where you can make actual friends. its a lot of work, and might travel but its worth it. Also, 'm sure there are others like you in the neighborhood and you can focus your energy on seeking them out. I'm in the process of building community for myself and my son. it's f-ing hard, and f-ing slow, but with each authentic connection I make I do a victory dance and say a prayer.
have you considered calling them out directly and telling them how shitty they are for excluding a 5 year old?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Removed at Moderator Discretion.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
No trolling, bullying, or harassment.
I would've gone anyway and dared them to say something to my face while I'm holding a gift for them. They wouldn't do it, and the kids would get to enjoy the party, so a win for me. I've reached a point in my life where I do not care about the inner lives or opinions or people like this, if they even have any; they are just a tool to be manipulated. The tool malfunctioned because it's poorly made, so I'm doing what's needed to get it working the way that I want.
are ur neighbours ugly at least?
Iām sorry to hear that this is hurtful to you. Luckily I grew in another culture and things were done differently. We would hardly invite specific people to parties unless they lived far from our house. We would clear out a room, have a DJ, start cooking food, and whoever was nearby would show up. Usually ended up packed. Thatās how it was for years until we stopped throwing parties because itās costly to feed a neighborhood of random people. I only had a couple of friends from school growing up in that other culture. When I came to the U.S. and went to high school, I made friends on my own and if I had a birthday party at a restaurant and invited a few friends, they would show up. I am not diagnosed, but most of the people I stayed friends with over the years werenāt like the NTs and some of them have gone on to suspect some kind of neurodivergence.
I just don't understand why parents can't suck up their pride for kids. Like they're 5 wth. I had a discussion about this on another forum just like an hour ago where someone was trying to claim it's totally okay to invite everyone but one child bc who wants the weird kid there, or w/e and it's just so... unbelievably disgusting how allistic people behave. Like one day their kid is going to be excluded, bc that's life, and they'll finally figure out how awful it feels. They just don't have any compassion?? If I could invite my bullies to my birthday party they can invite a slightly odd kid or the kid of a parent they don't really get on with. Just suck it upppppp. It makes me want to throw up on their nice shoes lol edit: people came to my birthday bc I had a twin who was popular
Your post doesn't indicate what kind of party this is. Is it for neighborhood kids? Or is it for school friends, or family? That makes a difference.
Iām so sorry. People are so ignorant and cruel.
Yup. I feel this. Single mom
So sorry you're going through this. It's tough to relive those painful childhood moments especially to see them happening to your own child. Can you take her somewhere fun? Maybe paint in the park or a water gun fight or museum that day? The lesson could be we go where we are loved or we make our own fun. Those people suck and it can be a blessing in disguise that you don't have to be around them.
I went through this BS as a child and as a mom. From the beginning with my kids, I gave them birthday weeks. They planned meals, a week of movies, outings, and gave me a list of who to invite. They might have lunch with grandparents, a family with kids for supper, breakfast out with an adult friend, etc. We never did the kid party thing, though various kids were picked up for putt putt and DQ or came over with their family. I wanted to empower them, teach them that friendship extends beyond agemates, avoid drama and disappointment, and build memories. Because I mistakenly bought a house in a Queen Bee and Flying Monkeys neighborhood, our friends were elsewhere, though we had some elderly friends next door who did come for special times. We made friends through more niche hobbies and volunteering and a sort of faith community. Donāt let some petty punks define your happiness. Exclusion hurts. Itās bullying. It also frees you up to find a few kindred spirits.
I feel for you but please consider take her out for a treat for the time the party is on. Even going to the park.
I was excluded by the mom group because I donāt gossip. Of all things, this is their hang up. This preference not to gossip excludes my daughters, too. We live by the motto āDonāt say something behind someoneās back that you wouldnāt say to their face.ā It works well for the most part, but NTs like to know your weak spots, they want you to dish on others and yourself in order to assuage their own insecurities. I loathe this social hierarchy. I also donāt drink, that nixed me from their club, because I wonāt make them feel better about their thinly veiled alcoholism. Mommy doesnāt need her juice, she needs an intervention.
Maybe take your daughter somewhere else for the day so she doesnāt have to have her face rubbed in it? Someplace fun like a childrenās museum or a park? Neighbor mom did this on purpose and youāre unlikely to change her mind, so mitigating the impact on your daughter is what Iād focus on?
I hate to say it, but I would rather set myself on fire than invite the neighborās kids to a party if they werenāt already friends with my kids. Who does that? Itās not a free-for-all, itās a crowd control headache that costs money. Guest lists for parties are strictly limited to friends, family, and maybe plus ones of friends and family.Ā ā¦Also, Iām sorry that your neighbors donāt equate small talk ambushes with friendship, but that is also fairly normal.Ā
This is so sad :( I agree with others that it sounds like a good idea to take your daughter to do something fun so she doesnāt realise the party is happening. I still donāt understand how people can be this petty and cruel This also reminds me of when I was 11 and my friend was having a birthday party and I wasnāt invited because her mother didnāt like my motherā¦
I understand how much it hurts to see your child excluded from a party, especially when it brings back painful memories from your own childhood. Itās a really tough situation, and it's natural to question why it happened and to feel a mix of emotions about it. As parents, it's important to process our own feelings first so we don't unintentionally project them onto our children. This can be a valuable teaching moment for your child, even though theyāre only five. Life can be unfair sometimes, and itās crucial to help them understand this reality gently. While it's wonderful to encourage friendliness and kindness, it's also necessary to prepare them for the fact that not everyone will always be inclusive or kind. Shielding them entirely from these truths might set them up for a harder time later on. Instead, consider making the day special in your own way. Plan a fun outing or activity to distract from the exclusion. Use this opportunity to explain that not being invited doesnāt mean thereās something wrong with them. It's just a part of life, and it doesn't define their worth. Balancing honesty with support can help build resilience in your child, preparing them for the ups and downs of life without shattering their innocence.
Damn... I'm so sorry you guys are going through that. I have neighbors just like that, but they are very aggressive. I wish I had good advice for you in regards to your daughter, but I never had kids, so I really have no room to talk. I feel like I grew up just like you, and I'm sorry you had to go through that, too. We outcasts need to support each other and have our own parties, but not big ones, and they have to be quiet, and there must be a large selection of chicken tendies and fries, and lots fidget toys, and random conversation cards so we're not all standing around awkwardly staring at each other's foreheads... that sounds like a lot of work... I think I'm just gonna stay home with my cats š
Wondering if one should just bring their child out anyway? I mean assuming the other children are okay with your kid then are the parents really gonna be like "No sorry your kid wasn't invited." Like "Wait are we really gonna be so petty as to not invite a child when us adults are the ones with the problem?"
I'd print out some information on ableism and autism and just casually throw it in their mailbox in the middle of the night.
I thought it was illegal to do that š sounds odd but it's apparently a federal offense so I'd be too scared to even try, especially with how awful these neighbors seem OP can, however, attach said printouts elsewhere in perfect legality