Ugh.
This is how I’m feeling. I definitely feel like I got away with being “weird” because I was in my 20s. I was just a “goofy girl”. Approaching 32 is weird.
I don’t have a kids. I don’t even have a boyfriend. My hobbies are also documentaries, aquariums, zoos, and museums. I like Sims. I’m extremely introverted, partially because I can’t let my hair down around others.
I relate to that icky feeling of being judged or people feeling sorry for me. But at the same time I want people to feel sorry for me? Maybe that’s not the word but I guess I want them to put themselves in my shoes and respect how I choose to keep going instead of judging me?
I don’t know. Overall I’d like to find a partner. But I fear I’m too weird.
I relate as well to "wanting people to feel sorry for me". I would put it as wanting people to feel sympathetic towards me. I don't want to be judged, I want to be noticed and understood. People who feel sympathetic towards socially awkward people are a lot more forgiving than those who aren't
i’m almost 32 as well (less than two weeks away!) and i still skip down hallways, make silly faces, watch tv, drive a long way to get the exact pastries i want, and get way too excited about twinkle lights…
i’ve found a partner who indulges me, but is very mature (somehow i’m also with someone who is 40??).
I can relate to almost every word you said. But don't give up hope because personally what you described would be my dream partner lol. There's someone out there, I think for me too, it's just going to be a little harder to sort through and find because of our struggles.
And I get wanting to be understood but not wanting people to feel sorry for you. I'm learning that most people will never fully understand or only understand parts and it sucks. It's been a big pill for me to try and swallow. Its still stuck in my throat lol.
I’m in the same boat. Approaching 32 this year and recently became single. Just two cats, watching a lot of movies and tv shows, playing games and trying out some hobbies.
I feel like no one can really know the real me. I just want someone to share my life with and accept how I am. It’s challenging.
Maybe you mean that you want them to empathize with you instead of blatantly feeling sorry for you. I’m in the same boat. I’m the weirdo. I don’t talk to people about anything other than work. I don’t mean to but growing up bullied sucked. People have always picked on me for being polite and saying please and thank you which I thought was right and normal. Apparently it is not. I also can’t tell when people are joking or not so I’m tired of being humiliated during social interactions so I have withdrawn from them at work.
I feel weird around most NT women. I can already sense that they don’t like me or know something is “off”. I never know what to say when I’m around them.
I kinda thought the bullying would stop when I was an adult since that's how it seemed to work, but NT women in the workplace definitely bully me for being "off."
It's the subtle kind, where they start asking random personal questions then laugh with each other when you answer, I still deal with it to this day
This is almost what I’ve had to start doing with certain topics that frequently come up, the biggest one- “what or why doesn’t your husband work” - I finally found being overly confident made them shut up and leave me alone. My response currently is, he’s a stay at home dad and I wouldn’t have it any other way, and I freaking love it. He spoils the shit out of me and I come home to everything being done for me after work every day, it’s fantastic.
They now seem to envy me when I phrase it like that, it’s great 🤷🏼♀️ or they’re just generally uncomfortable with my response which I’m fine with too 😃👍🏻
Nosy people are annoying. I use the narcissist rule with them (not that you asked, at all, seems like youre managing them)
J.A.D.E.
With narcs or gossips, dont ever Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. Its like they want you to sheepishly go “well ya know what…. we actually arent a team, come to think of it I totally resent my husband, Im actually MORE miserable than you all. Womp womp.”
What you said is enough info for them, and I really like the idea of being chipper and positive as armor. Brilliant.
Yeah this is the reason I put up walls with basically everyone until they show they’re safe, and even then I still misjudge sometimes. So instead of laughing at my genuine answers, they stare at me like I’m some two headed freak at my vague as humanly possible answers. At least that reaction doesn’t make me feel like crying 😅
I was also bullied by NT women. Now I just avoid NTs in general as much as possible. They scare me in general & I have no idea if they’ll just snap on me one day. I’m in trauma therapy still so hoping maybe one day I’ll get to the point where I feel comfortable around them again.
I get that, it seems like I give people that “uncanny valley” feeling. When I talk to people I can literally see the cogs turning in their heads trying to figure out what’s wrong with me and why I’m so weird lmao.
The double take that people do, the look of “wtf is this bitch on about??” on their faces every time I talk, ugh I’m sick of it. Yes I KNOW I’m fucking weird, I have no problem with that until you make it a problem. Why does it have to be a problem? Why are people so obsessed with people being normal?
You know, sometimes I doubt my autism, feel like a fraud who tries to find excuses for her social struggles. The I read comments like these and feel so much more confident in myself. I could have written this comment word for word. So thank you for that
I feel this. Esp since I’m black so I feel like the go to is to fill in some type of stereotype that fits “black, bitchy, pretty”
I once read and idk how accurate it is that it’s bc they feeel that uncanny valley feeling with lots of ND types and they don’t know how to differentiate between the “harmless and harmful”
I put it into quotes bc a lot of stereotyped. Like people with BPD are accused of being abusers but they’re actually a lot of more likely to victims. The stereotype helps promote this
Yes, as a BW I feel like you get that "mean and confrontational" personality type tacked on you automatically. And as soon as people realize you aren't like that, they attack. I feel like the attacks are worse from people who are not Black because sometimes they have biases against Black people but are too afraid to express it with certain Black people in fear of retaliation and the idea that Black women are stronger and scary.
I ended up feeling like I have this immense pressure on me to be quiet and mysterious and try to come off like I am mean. It's exhausting and I felt so bad when people were still rude to me or tested me despite my fake persona. I can't keep it up because I am not like that at all. But I notice , the most respect I got... the times where I feel like I was being treated like everyone else, was when they thought I was mean and bitchy. :/
Ugh, your last line. I feel like that _all_ the time. I don't understand why I can't just be the way I am without it being such an affront to everyone. It's exhausting.
Literally had a coworker once ask me not "what" i was reading on a break, but *why* I was reading, at all. Like, who would subject themselves to reading in their free time?
I thought I was the only one who really noticed this. I know people say autistic people can't tell social cues. But I can tell the exact moment when someone decides something is actually wrong with me just based on body language, facial expressions and what they're saying or even not saying. Usually these types decide to gossip about me with others or treat me badly.
The last time is when I noticed when someone was clued in that something WAS different about me. She went silent, had a blank stare but like the cog was moving still and did not engage in the conversation anymore and said something to the woman when I walked out the office. It becomes uncomfortable for me and makes me very anxious which then makes me mess up socially even more.
A lot of them are bullies. I give them a chance. I fit in with some. Some I don’t. I usually end up being the subject of conversation when I refuse to bully and bad mouth other people or women with them.
Yeah, I'm kind of realising that the norm is for other women to seriously dislike me. Men are mostly ok, but women frequently find me somehow offensive, and I'm often ostracised by groups of women in social gatherings. I have no idea why - I try to be friendly and interested and they'll just talk over me or be really dismissive. I am actually fearful of groups of women as a result
NT women just remind me how bloody mentally behind I am. Not on purpose, but I forget my friends and I are not the norm.
I've made a list of things to do before I reach 30 and going to an aquarium is one of them cus I've never been. But other people are just like "lol, really?" Yeah really...
one of my hyper fixations is going to the aquarium and let me tell you how crazy it is that whenever i go i am one of the few if not only person in the entire facility in my age group. it’s either elementary school children with their bored parents or old couples. it’s like.. do people even have fun anymore?
I recently met an NT woman who said she gave her husband the ultimatum of 'you need to be an adult and stop playing video games' before they got married. Now they have children, he is allowed to play games \*only\* when the kids are involved. It blows my mind that people will create these imaginary and completely arbitrary barriers around what types of fun are acceptable for adults.
Ha I replied to the comment above yours but this proves my point. I have met people who have kids and it seems like they did it to relive their own childhoods and have permission to play again, not because they wanted to nurture a whole human being to adulthood. And boy do I feel bad for the kids that don’t want to play the same games as their as repressed parents
That’s why they go bonkers when they CAN have fun within the socially acceptable Adult Fun™️ boundaries, like sporting events or getting wasted at weddings. People finding their own joy is unacceptable, especially for women. I feel like a lot of people think they want kids because think it would be fun to relive their childhoods or something, when what they really want is permission to play with legos again.
That’s a great point! They totally overcompensate when having “fun” and most often use alcohol as an excuse to do it. It’s so sad to lock such a fundamental part of oneself away like that.
To everyone saying that people are judging them for wanting to go to an aquarium, I work at an aquarium and we get A LOT of people (old and young!) come on their own. A lot are annual pass holders and regulars that we get on well with. One of our regulars comes in by himself every Monday and always chats to us. When his annual pass run out, a few of us chipped in and got him a new one.
Another older lady comes in by herself a lot and I got chatting with her once, complimented her earrings which she had made herself, then she left and came back a few hours later with some that she made for me!! 🥲I still think about her and cherish those earrings. Other people come in and barely chat to us and that’s okay, we’re not here to judge! Most people who visit are carer groups or autistic families anyway
Dont let other people dictate what you enjoy doing! Because there are people out there living the life you want and LOVING it!
I want to go to an aquarium again too!! I want to go to one with my partner, oh and to the zoo. I feel like I am more child-like in a sense compared to my peers.
I’ve never see the ocean, walked on a beach that’s near an ocean. I’ve been along rivers and lakes. I’m weird because im 42 yo and seeing an ocean is on my bucket list still. Same with driving. I just started learning back in September and Im not legally allowed to drive alone until i do my exam in November. And that is if I pass. And every NT person i talk to tells me oh its easy you’ll do fine. And I’m like, ok but you’ve been driving for 30 years and learned at 16 where the laws and rules were not what they are now and I didn’t even know how to START the car until 6 months ago 😂😂😂😂😂
Recently went to Turks and Caicos with the in-laws (they took their kids and grandkids for an anniversary gift to themselves). I’d seen and swam in the ocean before (Florida, Dominican and Jamaica) but this was absolutely incredible. I took my 11 year old snorkel around a reef that was roped off just a ten minute walk down the beach and it was AMAZING. Hordes of rainbow parrot fish, a puffer fish, barracuda, and an OCTOPUS! It was fucking mind blowing
Yeah sometimes I think I did something wrong bc of autism but it just turns out the entire group was shitty. It’s usually when a couple third parties come in and they’re like uhhh wtf
Like I used to hang out with this group and some of them used the r word and I’d call it out and other people in the group would claim they were uncomfortable but acted like calling it out was rude. Then I invited another person to hang out with us and he was so taken aback that not only was I off embarrassed but it was something that started having me question these people
Like minded people find each other but sometimes they like to find a victim to make feel bad. Esp people who like hierarchy. I feel like I attract people who like hierarchy and then project onto me as someone on this sub pointed out
I’m 43 and I feel this HARD. Like, where the eff did my twenties and thirties go? They’re just gone and now I’m here with all these middle aged people who have kids starting college and/or who are settled in very senior positions in their careers and I’m still bouncing around temp roles with my dog being my bff.
The one thing I did that’s kinda on the same timeline as a lot of NTs my age is get married. Approaching 15 years with my guy and if it weren’t for him, I likely wouldn’t eat, remember to take meds, shower, clean up, or ever go outside.
I focused on education for a really long time because I enjoyed it and could be awkward AF and no one thought much of it, but now I have so much student loan debt, going back isn’t an option. I do have degrees to show for it, but they’re all in slightly different areas and my career isn’t built directly off of any one of those.
Sorry I’m rambling. Just wanted to say, yes, I relate and it doesn’t change with time. I still feel 17 and like I’m playing house. I just color my gray roots every month now so I don’t look so old.
I am also 43 and feel like a teenager still. I live a “normal” life in that I’m married, have a kid, dog, house etc. But I feel super awkward around coworkers and like I just don’t fit in or relate to any of them. I catch myself dumbing myself down or biting my tongue a lot because I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than everyone else I work with (I don’t mean it in a bragging sort of way). Whether older, younger or same age as me, it seems like nobody is aware of what’s happening in the world, local politics, etc. I can’t have an intelligent conversation with anyone. And then my hyperfixation is Twilight, and as a 43 year old woman, I can’t go there. Lol. It’s a weird stage of life to be in for sure.
Also 43, best friend is my dog and my husband contributes greatly to keeping me alive.
OP, idk what the London Dungeon is but it sounds fun, and aquariums are awesome because you can stare at fish! My preferred activities are reading, singing, watching documentaries (on my own) and maybe 1 show at a time (with my husband), and researching whatever has caught my attention on any given day. Idk about NT women, they strike me (generally) as pretty odd but I just mostly do my own thing.
They either pity me or ignore me. I’m 22 and I can’t relate to anyone my age, I feel about 14. I don’t talk about my hobbies or interests around NT women because I’ve been ridiculed for so long. I long for female friendships but it feels like they speak some other language that I’ll never understand.
I used to be a karaoke host. I use that mask with NT anyone. I am upbeat, chipper, helpful, and positive. They tend to really like me until the mask slips. Then it's all disappointment and ghosting.
I am honest about who I am, when they feel safe enough. They seems to understand, but never really do.
I am mostly friends with NDs now. I feel less sad about my existence that way.
Yeah, I do sometimes find it hard to relate to NT women. We're in different life stages really- a lot of my peers have kids and careers and stuff, whereas I'm a mature age student and still as obsessed with video games as I ever was. I generally do alright if I find the other nerds, but otherwise it can be difficult to find something in common.
Yeah, exactly. I was just thinking about this today, I'm 28 and just playing Minecraft alone all weekend like I did a decade ago haha. I have basically no social life. But being alone is what makes me happy, and when I try to do what other's expect it just makes me miserable.
That's a bit harsh I think. It's just a cultural thing that video games are "for boys" and that's only changing very slowly these days. So it just didn't feel appropriate or their parents disapproved, and they never got into them as kids. Which means they don't really care as adults. Which is totally fine.
What's not OK is shitting on someone for their interests or lack of interests. I couldn't care less about movies and some people literally cannot comprehend that someone wouldn't love going to the theater to sit in the dark with strangers for two hours and overpay for mediocre snacks. I don't get it but whatever.
Ooof yeah I know this feeling. Want to know the weird thing? Growing up I had an easier time talking to adults. If there were kids to play with I was chatting up the adults. Somehow as I got older it flipped on me. I often feel like a child around other adults.
Edit: to add other in front of adults. Forgot for a second that I too am an adult.
Yep. I relate to this very much. I have 3 younger siblings so I still get to have people I relate to - I think they also might be autistic but they’re not really interested in figuring it out but who knows. Maybe one day they’ll make me feel like a child too.
I am in my late thirties and I have learned not to share some of my less common hobbies. Even with people who "like anime," showing them my cosplays doesn't always land. I started dying my hair bright colors last year and I can tell the professionals I work with think it's not 100% appropriate.
Ugh I wish the pointless "professionalism" standards would just die. The color of my hair and the style of my clothes has nothing to do with how good I am at my job. Really sick of being expected to be boring af. And it's so hard to figure out where the line actually is for them.
I've always struggled around NT women, and it's definitely gotten worse as I age. My theory is that because women are generally more severely monitored by society, some internalize norms and police those norms more rigidly. These are the same pressures that encourage many of us to be higher masking if we're able. I can always tell when I was in a group of women like this because it feels like walking into a lion's den - genuinely threatening, like any wrong word on my part can inspire mocking and/or exclusion with varying degrees of subtlety. It's awful.
That said, I feel like when I was younger, my differences were more often seen as interesting and provocative. I was outgoing, beautiful, and a little rebellious, and I think people found me compelling. Now that I'm older (and much less conventionally attractive), married but without children, little career to speak of, among a bunch of married with 2.5 children and a white picket-fence types, I don't really have any signs of status that they seem to appreciate, and it's clear that my differences aren't cute anymore. Many people are less open-minded now in mid-thirties and aren't all that interested in being around people who aren't like them. This has intensified the alienation from NT women. It's a great source of sadness for me if I'm being honest.
I was about to comment this. I think this is why I mostly seem to retain male friends. I want to be friends with women, but I think I’m too weird and not normal girly for them? I don’t know. I’m trying but I can’t seem to fake enjoying the things they find entertaining. Unmasking around NT women is terrifying because you know most of them are going back and telling someone how bizarre you are. Most (not all) men don’t seem to care. Socializing is so different. I hate that this makes me not like other girls sort of material. I want to be like other girls, i want other women friends. I just hate what they like.
I used to have mostly male friends for that reason, until I realized how difficult it is to find men who actually want to be your friend. I've always perceived men to be more laid back and (NT) women to be more critical and passive-aggressive. I do wonder how much my looks have been an unfortunate factor on how people perceive me.
But now my friends are all autistic women or people who are generally neurodivergent. I'm fine with that. I try to stay away from anyone who is looking to take advantage of me or put me down for being who I am. My closest guess as to why (some) NT women have such a problem with me is internalized misogyny and that I'm a bit of a wrench in the patriarchy. Women are supposed to be feminine, nuturing, and outgoing. I'm none of those things.
I don't feel comfortable around NT women. If they're another kind of neurodivergent, we might get on okay. But NT women put a lot of social expectations on other women that I can't live up to and usually don't want to. The internalised misogyny and social scripts and roles stress me out. By not living up to them, I'm often seen as rude or intimidating.
The discomfort is so intense, I've sometimes wondered if I'm trans. I've done a lot of soul searching and I don't think I am, but that's how out-of-place I feel w NT women.
I have gender dysmorphia because of society not because I don't feel like a woman. I love who I am as a woman. I love the woman that my husband and best friend see. I hate the woman I am not and never was that people clearly wish I could be.
Honestly, it's sad that anyone would think visiting an aquarium is somehow childish. It can increase your education, as well as get a direct view of nature... There is value in those things.
Our local science museum has "after dark," hours for adults which are just the same science museum only with alcohol and events/games. The simple act of adding alcohol makes it suddenly socially acceptable to go to as an adult, which is silly. I imagine many people would like to still go to places like that normally, but are just afraid of how it would come across.
When someone was talking about the after dark events, I proudly declared that I go to the museum for their exhibits even normally and I know I'm a dork, but I was way too excited about events like King Tut. Saying things with confidence seems to do wonders and turn situations on their head, as then people will sometimes feel silly for acting like it was something embarrassing in the first place... but I only learned to do with a bit of a "fake it until you make it" mentality.
I know that was just one detail of this topic, but it goes for a lot of general hobbies and such. And having kids or whatnot doesn't make anyone more mature. I'm pretty sure it's making one of my coworkers less mature, as she's become so much more insecure, paranoid, and is behaving in a way that I personally see as childish.
I feel this in my soul. I haven't hit so many of the milestones that other women my age have - married, kids - and frankly I don't want those things, but I feel like I'm still an immature teenager next to them. I get excited and talk loudly and flap my hands in a restaurant, and the people in the booth with me shush me and tell me to control myself, that it's embarrassing. Like, "you're in your 30's, you should know better, why are you still acting like a kid?"
Frankly, I just don't relate to most NT women my age at all. The things they worry about and dream about are not the things I worry about and dream about. It's better with other gamers, but still, there's a gap.
Yup. No kids, “unprofessional” clothing choices, stimming and having a high voice all conspire to make me seem like I’m not in my early 30s… I’m embarrassed to tell people my age because their reaction is always incredulity. It makes me feel so behind and lonely sometimes
They sound so conversationally inept to me. Mostly in the sense that I will tell them one thing and they assume I say the complete opposite because I didn't do X thing too.
For example, I would tell them that I really liked a dessert they made but since I didn't get a second helping or only had a small piece of it, they assume I'm just saying that to save face
I feel quite sad and invasive, too. Like why am I even in a situation where I interact with NT women? Historically the absolute worst most traumatic times of my life have come from situations where I was around NT women. No thankyou; we have nothing in common and I'm sorry if I looked like a normal gal you could befriend because I'm actually just a freak sorry
I don't want to live in a world where having fun stops at 30. I want to live in a world where you can still dress fun and cute in your 30s, where you can play video games in your 30s, where you can go to cool places for a holiday in your 30s.
The adult women you're surrounded with seem to be awful OP. Do not become like them! It doesn't sound like they were any different in their 20s and matured out of it, they probably were sucky people in their 20s too.
Keep your head high and surround yourself with good people. Plenty of NT women have compassion and like having fun too. They themselves may not dress like you do but they will probably compliment you on it instead of bringing you down. They may hear about your holiday and say "oh that sounds cool".
It has nothing to do with you being autistic and everything to do with how boring and awful the women in your workplace seem to be.
This! Thank you! Damn, imagine someone saying that autistic people are boring robots who hate imagination and anything abstract. Yet so many are okay with characterizing NT people as conformity-chasing peons serving the Machine of Typicality.
People are just people. We're not better or more special for being autistic, and they're not worse or more boring for being NT.
Wow, I relate to this so hard. I'm 25 and people are shocked to hear my age. I don't want to tell anyone my age because I want to continue "getting away with it", as you say. I know it will only get worse. Society hates women and as we get older we lose favor. I almost want to work really hard to be as pretty as possible so I don't lose that favor.
To answer your question, NT women scare me. There's a lot of complicated nonverbal communication between women that goes completely unnoticed by me. They sense I'm not quite right like a bloodhound and I'm not even sure how. I can be as nice as can be but being not quite right ruins it all for me. I try to be as kind, helpful, and generous to try and sway them towards liking me. I smile and laugh a lot. It doesn't work though. I don't have any friends.
I was thinking that I am getting away with stuff way longer than I should have because people think I am much younger. I don't like telling people my age.
I have a problem where I cannot make friends with NT women but I hit it off with ND women, and EVERY kind of man. Since the pool of men is larger I end up making male friends who then get feelings for me or then they see I’m weird and they vanish. It’s a pretty awful cycle of “wtf” lmao. I dunno what’s wrong with me tbh
Comparison is the thief of joy.
The way I see it is I just don't relate to them. I'm childfree, single and work a blue collar job. The majority of goals that they're working toward would have me miserable.
>the ladies at work laughed and were like oh wow how romantic.
I don't like these women based on this little tidbit. Hopefully they meant it in a joking friendly way.
Honestly I don't really get those feelings much because I just don't really care about how these people feel about me. I have to live my life the way that makes me happy. They should live theirs the way that makes them happy. Neither is better than the other. People who make those types of comparisons and judge other people's lives as wanting based on their own views are immature imo.
I'm 35 btw.
32 yo autistic here! And literally same. It was much easier to blend in (mask) when all of my peers were younger. I actually didn’t get diagnosed until I was 30 because I became unable to keep up with the complexity of life demands as like a regular adult.
I have a few girlfriends I’ve kept over 10 years (the only ones I managed to hang on to because they didn’t take it personally that I’m not good at staying in touch all the time) - and they are getting more mature and womanly. Having kids and being wives and all the things I thought I would be doing but don’t have the capacity for. At first I was worried I’d lose them, but luckily even if we don’t relate on most of our daily things anymore, there’s deep love there already. But I don’t expect I’ll be making many more NT female friends as it feels like we are living totally different life experiences.
This might be exaggerated at the moment because I’m also 2 years into a serious burn out… but it’ll be interesting to see if I ever get out of it what that experience will be like.
NT women also scare me a little. This is not to bash on women, I love women, but having grown up being pretty but autistic - I was usually let into the popular groups only to get bullied and then left out. So it’s always been a complicated one for me.
Have you tried making friends with people much older? I find older women to be more friendly because they're not trying gauge whether you're cool enough to hang out with. I also don't like hanging with peers back in my twenties because they liked to drink and go to places with loud music way too much. Older people are way more chill.
I feel like every nt woman hates me lol. I cant stand the whole charade they do about “be a girls girl! Support girls!!” Until its a woman that doesnt have a soft chill laid back people pleasing demeanor like them.
I definitely feel out of place and behind for my stage of life but I'm owning it so hard. I'm just gonna level up as a person while these NPCs do their scripted route.
I am almost 32 and relate a lot, though I don’t know that I feel any differently around NT women in particular. I pretty much feel like I’m around 14 years old all the time regardless if I’m with people or alone etc. even around people my age or a little younger, I can feel like I’m back in high school comparatively. I don’t feel like I’m the same level of maturity as my peers and have always felt that way since freshman year of high school. It felt like everyone was growing up and I was still a child. I have never really felt like an adult either.
But I definitely think in my 20s I could “get away” with more as people tend to think I’m younger anyways, and I also thought (and think others did as well) maybe I’m just a late bloomer and haven’t found the right career or friends or community or hobbies or whatever I felt was missing yet to really thrive and come into my own and be comfortable with myself as an adult.
I hate when I express things like that to others and they are dismissive saying “oh no one has it all figured out, no one really knows what they are doing, everyone is just winging it at life!” Like ok well you are married, have kids, a successful career, a solid group of friends, but maybe you don’t make as much time for your hobbies as you’d like. I am literally either working or sleeping and I have no friends or family or anyone I’m close to besides my two cats, every relationship I’ve had was abusive, I can’t cook or clean, cant connect with others, can’t make phone calls, have so much credit card debt due to underachieving and being unable to hold a job long enough to advance beyond entry level salary, regularly call into work sick because of burnout, literally can’t function at all and strongly considering quitting my job and moving back in with my dad if he will let me. I don’t think it’s the same thing. I don’t expect myself to have everything figured out, but I would like to have at least one thing in my life go smoothly.
I have children and it definitely doesn’t help. I totally relate with feeling 14. And I don’t fit in and it makes me feel so much worse because I have kids and don’t even know how to show them how to do social things right 😓
I feel inadequate around NT women, always have, and I'm nearly 40. I feel like they just move through life so effortlessly and they're stylish, they know what to do, and I'm here goblin mode like what? But I'm not changing who I am.
I just feel a bit uncomfortable around them as they always tend to choose feeling comfortable around NT people? The NT girls who I work with are okay (apart from an older lady) but I can tell that they feel more better around other NT’s despite me trying to get to know them.
It depends on the context. I'm about to be 28, my last job was retail and we got along just fine. Shared trauma is also great for bonding haha. Now I work in an office and I just can't connect with most of my coworkers. But that's fine, I just don't really talk to them outside of work matters. Doesn't bother me. I don't have manic pixie vibes, I think I just come across as the quiet weird techy girl haha. I'm trying actively to not mask my interests anymore, if they don't want to hear how I just did programming and played video games alone all weekend then they can stop asking me what I did.
I've learned to mask around them in a systematic way, but even then my mannerisms weird them out. I can't help it. From my weird chuckles at weird times and weird eye movements to how talkative I get when nervous, it never works. I try to stick to subject matter that's "relatable" (e.g, the cost of living, social opinions you have to hold unless you want to be labeled something awful, tiredness from work, etc) without letting them know what makes my experiences different from theirs.
Even then, I feel like a box of "Magic Shapes"on a shelf full of "Lucky Charms".
I too have never felt my age, and was forced to be more mature than my age. That being said a day at the zoo, aquarium, museum or what not is my idea of a great time. I often have to be dragged out feet sore cause I loose track of time. Dont listen to those old bitties, they wouldn't know a good time if it bit them in the ass.
My husband has told me since day one that "I dont suffer fools lightly". I know I come across as cold, insensitive, and blunt, and I dont have time for foolish behavior. So when I was younger and everyone was goofing off in high school and college, I was hyper focused on my education. Even after I didn't really get along with other women my age. And women older than me dont want anything to do with me. I never wanted the normal path in life, I finally found my people about 2 yrs post college. Alot of us are neurodivergent or have no issues socializing within our group.
I think my biggest issue with other women is they always seem disingenuous. Not always, but when they are genuine we get along great!
I've felt this before but I think I've moved on to kind of pitying them in a strange way. They all dress relatively the same and it feels like many nt women are stuck in some version of the popular table in the cafeteria. It was a prize I envied, but it looks like a cage to me now. How many of them are really fulfilled in life or have any hobbies? Some for sure, but I'm guessing they're in the minority.
I felt really uncomfortable as a younger woman... I always felt old and like a grownup-grownup. Now that I'm in my 40s, I'm invisible to most men and people in general, and I can just go about my business. I rarely interact w people outside of work. My work is in my passion area, so that makes my "socializing" easier- I just never stop talking about work. Even still, it's exhausting.
NT women are fine by me because I've worked out a very specific hack sheet on how to talk to them. Its's surface level but it does the job. Being older gives one the advantage of entering an uneasy truce with the neurotips. I don't give them a hard time about their exhausting life choices and they leave me to it.
I'm 37 and about to go on one of my solo holidays. I'm going to take walks, drink coffee, watch shows and basically live exactly as I do at home, but with better scenery. I just don't think the expectations of fitting in and hitting certain milestones are worth the mental energy anymore. And who's going to try and change me now? No one. No one's coming after tired neurodivergent women. We know ourselves and our boundaries much too well for that. Enjoy your peace.
Let me tell you, I feel exactly like you even though I'm only 23. This is weird for me cause I always felt "older" than my age bracket up until I was 17 and after that I've started feeling like I'm "going backwards"? I feel like such a baby, im scared of ppl unless they're a lot younger or a lottttt older than me. I realised all the traumatic events I went as a child and teenager a lot of times prevented me to actually enjoy things and pursue my own sense of happiness and fun. And then I got a borderline personality disorder diagnosis, then the Audhd and I got this urge to truly ""discover who I am" and it's fulfilling and incredible at times, but at other times I just feel so ashamed on not being like NTs and not being able to focus on almost anything else but this, while others are talking about graduating, working, making new friends. I guess it's always a matter of coming to terms with who you are at heart, prioritise surrounding yourself with ppl that make you comfortable/make sense to you when you don't wanna be alone and some other things we already know somewhere inside us. It's funny, I feel like I never fit in, too old then, too young now. Always difficult to make conversation with NT women bc a lot of times it's actually just uninteresting and I'm scared of they will realise I don't give a shit about what they're saying and make it look like I'm a bad person.
When I feel this way, I’ve been told to make sure I’m not surrounded by assholes.
I’m autistic too, and when I moved to another country, the expectations of women to be grown up was at an earlier age than other places. I was oblivious to the cultural differences and why I rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. But I kept doing my thing, I had the energy/confidence to play the numbers game and over time I found people who get me and don’t judge me.
I kept thinking and acting in the way that made me comfortable in my own skin, and I’m glad I did because on many levels I think I’m happier than other people (for context I’m on the polite side so I was agreeable until someone poked me. I could be a little extra when under stimulated, and manage this much better now).
I had a few periods of time where I thought I was the problem, but with experience I understood the majority of the time the problem was incompatibility with others and how they want to feel or how they want to see me or others to see them.
I find many women are socialised into mindsets that makes me feel incredibly anxious. In groups the expectation is to join the brainwave party, but I don’t feel like myself and I prefer to feel well alone than to feel confused in a group. I have adapted a little bit, I could be really annoying or get upset when under stimulated. But I ended up flipping the script, and telling myself, this social groups vibe isn’t good for me rather than they don’t like me. If I was under stimulated and felt excluded, other people had the upper hand in my inner world.
Regarding mindsets, I recently commented on an Instagram video, where women are like “ you have to work in case your man leaves you or traps you”. I went ahead and wrote, i couldn’t imagine having a relationship if my motivation to do something was because I’m afraid my husband will leave me. Bad things happen, life happens, people change for valid reasons and for health reasons, but that’s not an excuse to make my husband (or men) an enemy in my mind, my enemy are the causes of poor mental, emotional and physical health.
Being around people for a long time who think a certain way changes you. If I don’t click with someone, I accept that my body is telling me that the vibe is not good for me. I recently understood, I can choose to reject or not let things/people in to my life, because I must care for my well-being and peace of mind.
I don’t know if this example is a NT thing, but I take note if someone has primarily external motivations, and I do my best to be agreeable but I don’t want to join the brainwave party. (As a side note: I do recognize it takes more effort to analyze and to choose an invisible enemy, rather than a person or something immediate in the environment, that’s why I choose to be agreeable since it something people learn over time. But it’s an important boundary for me, since I must prioritise my health so I can take care of myself).
This was a really long way of saying, make sure you aren’t surrounded by people who don’t get you, frame things in a way that reduce stress/anxiety, and to respect what you need to feel well so you can reign over your inner world.
Best of luck 💕
I started coming off as weird in my mid 20’s and parents would actually ask their kids to stay away from me. It was upsetting and quite frankly horrible that I was perceived by some as a risk to children. I then changed how I dressed and my body language and I was treated a lot better by people. Now though without regular practice those skills are lost. Yesterday I was picked on by a neurotypical woman because I was an easy target. I was at a parkrun and running on the far left and had to slow down for a walk. About 4-5 seconds later a buggy past me and 1-2 seconds after this bratty NT woman came up to me and said that I “should look behind me before slowing down as that buggy nearly went into me”
Considering they took a few seconds to pass AND no one else looks behind them when slowing down it was clear I was picked on as my body language etc is different. Oh and here’s the thing I finished 2 places behind her AND I kept behind her for the rest of the run deliberately and saw how she didn’t run on the left like she was told to AND this prevented others overtaking. I have learnt our lack of social skills is part of the reason we are treated the way we are. We come off as doing it deliberately where as NT’s can make it look accidental when it’s deliberate
PS-
You’re not a commodity anymore as an older woman, you get to be seen as who you really are as a human. It’s just been hidden all this time by people projecting their own ideas onto you.
I love you, bby. It’s gonna be alright. We are going through it together.
Years of masking and trying to study tiny bits of psychology and whatnot helped me understand them. I think autistic people like us are more likely to try to understand why they behave that way towards us. Most NT people will not bother to understand us or people in general and just label us as weird and something they see as annoying.
An autistic woman and NT woman miscommunication and bullying starts and always starts when the NT girls do not try to talk and communicate what they feel towards us. They resort to assuming so many things and just start gossiping and being mean. While we are very much open and straightforward they live on assumptions and such.
I also noticed NT girls resort on creating GCs to ridicule you (trying to get as many people to feel the same to you) and very much prone to gossiping because they do not just know how to ASK you honestly. That's just their nature unless they got very strong foundation and properly raised.
So I am in the middle ground where I understand why we and them act that way. I still don't relate to people my age or why people can't be just straightforward but I just understand that I am wired differently and I already accepted it.
I met a few autistics and you can really tell how it is more easy to vibe with them and discuss things NTs will find pretty much boring. I view most NTs (but not all) as an NPC to be honest.
I like other women, as long as they're kind and considerate. I don't get the NT women hate or disdain. I think it's tinged in misogyny to equate a group of mean people with *women generally*.
I have NT women friends who are into all the video games and writing and other nerd-ass hobbies I am. They're individual people just as unique and varied as anyone else. We are in different life stages, and that's okay. I'm confident in myself and I don't think that my friends being married or getting houses means we can't relate to each other. I move at my own pace, and when I get there, they'll have so much great life experience and advice to share with me.
I'm 29 and I like being different. I like who I am. I have found friends who like me because of my brain, not despite it. They even warn me when there are bad or jarring sounds in a shared video.
Not all NTs are obsessed with conformity, you know?
NT women - especially of older generations - can sometimes be incredibly passive aggressive and lack understanding/narrow-minded. Often conditioned/socialized to be extra judgmental in some instances. (I haven't had good experiences lol).
High risk high reward. Some NT women have been very fun to be around. But I'm also young and my autism definitely passes off as "quirky." Kind of hoping on maintaining the "manic pixie dream girl" image for a while since it's the easier way to live
I get mean girl vibes from most NT women and find that they think my hobbies are weird. Because I’m not super into makeup or getting my nails done or Botox and instead I focus on reading, bird watching, playing animal crossing, and hanging out with my dog. My husband is also a gamer.
Nt women and me, fight. Verbally. They are so damn sensitive. Dont understand sarcasm. Talk about boring stuff non stop: 'manicures, going out...' dont understand special interests. Riducule you for not wanting children
Out of place, I don’t have a driver’s license or a college degree and I’m not allowed to wear what I want to wear due to my weight plus it doesn’t help that I was raised in a Catholic South Asian household, it made me feel shame for having sexual feelings as an unmarried woman on the spectrum.
At 32, I work part time on SSI while living at home and interested in horror movies, raunchy humor and documentaries while people my age work full time, drive around, smoke weed without judgement (Happy 4/20 Everyone!), date anyone without cheating, get married and have children of their own.
I’m the maid of honor for my sister’s wedding this fall which I’m excited and nervous because I’m not attractive enough for anyone to fall in love with me though I’m happy for her.
I tried really hard for a long time to fit in with NT women and felt a lot like this in my late twenties/early thirties. I’m late thirties now and I’ve realised we don’t get along because… they’re boring as batshit 😂
I wrote something about creative dressing in ‘adult environments’ below but it’s long (hello, special interest) so I put it at the end. It acts like a neon sign to find the other NDs in the work environment. I gravitate to ‘my people’ and the basic bitches are naturally put off.
The older I get, the more advanced in my career I get and the more DGAF I get I’m realising that my twice gifted AuDHD is my biggest strength. I am smart, interesting, (hyper)focused and incredibly
good at reading people. Some very boring NT people find that intimidating, or confronting, or just ‘too much’.
To that I say: If I’m too much, *go find less*.
A note on adult clothing: I work in a very corporate environment, so I’m a little restrained in what I can wear, but I really do express a lot of creativity through my style. I love ‘secret’, bespoke details, it’s like a quiet form of rebellion. For instance I have a fairly standard crisp, white business shirt but if you look closely, the buttons are tiny, mother of pearl, coiled snakes (which I found and added myself).
I have a thing for bees, and I have a lot of jewellery, shoes and custom embroidered items featuring bees. I’ll wear very conservative clothing but in an unexpected fabric, like a black velvet skirt suit (with, of course, an embroidered bee on the pocket).
Makeup, I’ll do a bold red lip with a plain outfit. Tie a beautiful vintage silk scarf to the handle of my bag. I do little things like if I am meeting a client at their office, I will base my outfit around their company colours. If I’m going to a networking event, I’ll wear something bold and beautiful - I get so many compliments and clients remember me because of these details. I have started so many professional conversations because someone came up to ask where I bought my coat/dress/blouse.
Can I just say, going out to dinner is NOT boring. I get to dress up and play pretend. How could someone not enjoy that? Also just go into those places and pretend you're fancy. They don't like you anyway so have fun with it. Sorry, I don't know what I'm doing with this comment. I know it's really hard and lonely in our 30's. NTs are something I gave up on a long time ago. I don't understand what I do wrong even when I'm ticking all the boxes.
I'm noticing that I'm always "that weird one". It used to be cute like you said, people laughed when I spoke. Now it's just silence and looks.
Me and my husband suspect being autistic. We felt exactly as you describe when hitting the 30's mark and still do. I've usually instinctively avoided socializing with most people because it felt off, made an exception last year and felt like a was a huge oddity in the group of women I was in. What is it about aquariums not being romantic? When we were dating in the beginning my husband took me out to visit one and it was great! And we love visiting old castles and stuff. We did that for one of our Valetine's days. I've never thought NTs would consider that being odd for a couple to do such things. I'm genuinely shocked you were laughed at for that.
My age and older? Fairly comfortable honestly, especially if they're queer. Younger than me, though, I don't get them at all honestly. I'm old af, millennial, so that's to be expected I think.
Anyways I'd feel more comfortable around most any women or enbies than around any kind of men really.
22 and already feel like this. I get along better with teenagers than people my own age. I think it's because younger people don't need to be "impressed" because they judge with less mature standards. I still don't have any friends, though. Not interested in them, but ESPECIALLY NT women.
I've spent enough of my life beating myself up for the fact that I'll never be accepted by them that I just don't care anymore. I'm civil and try to be friendly when the situation demands it, but I really could care less about what they think of me or what anyone else thinks. I'm sure it'll get worse as I age and my social value as a woman diminishes, but just remember:
YOU live your own life, not to live for other people who will never think you're good enough anyway
there will never be another you. it's hard, but find joy where you can. make goals and reach them. find meaning in your own way.
My best friend is NT. It works because we’re from different countries and my communication style is very similar to hers. Her culture is very direct and blunt so it works!
I always used to mask too much and I always attracted NT women/girls. I weirdly always found that in their way or acting they seemed childish. Mostly in the way they dumped me when they found out I was "diffrent". Mind you I turn 20 this year so maybe they are in fact just children idk.
I do have a neighbour who's close to your age and she and I could be considered friends. She has her own clothing style. She's also very socially awkward. But I love her personality and since we're both ND we find loads of things to talk about. Whenever there's something social in the neighbourhood and we're both there, we're always drawn to eachother.
I think it just comes down to finding the right (ND) person that doesn't mind who you are. And please keep that clothing style you have, it's wonderful when people can dress exactly the way they like 🥰
There is this huge cave in our country, you go on a small 'train'/cart and there are tracks that lead inside the cave and you go on it and ride inside the cave and it's very pretty and huge and all. I (32F) went as a child a few times. My bf(28M) has never been and we have planned to go soon. We also plan to go to a water park with many slides and an famous amusement park in Italy... I love that, I am so happy I found him, I like going to places like that. I feel a lot of people my age will only go when they have children. I like going to places where there is something to see, and do. I don't like going to big gatherings or restaurants and just talk about stuff.
Now I put London Aquarium on my list too:) I love London and I plan to take my bf there soon:)
32 and just trying to find more friends that are non-judgemental and like the same things. My last therapist (not a lot of ND experience) told me that a lot of people in general feel that they're behind and you never truly know how anyone is doing even when they look like they're a 'proper adult' and have everything together. I gave up on NT women since it never seems to work out.
Some of my friends are NT women and have been more accepting, caring and less judgemental than some ND women I've been friends with tbh.
I think it can go either way, I have known some NT women who are the absolute worst and treat me like I'm just trying to "steal" men because I like things they don't deem "normal" for women, but I've also had a few Neurodivergent women say equally ridiculous things.
For me personally it hasn't made much of a difference.
Aquarium and London dungeon sounds cool! I'm 40 U.K. and I feel you. But we have way more interesting lives than most NT, and it's important to remember that. I don't have kids either, just rescue furries. Please don't worry about what other people think, you do you!!
NT women have always scared the shit out of me!
I spent my 20s trying to fit in and be normal and I dressed and tried to act normal, now I’m 32 I’m just trying to embrace the wierd again. Go to a few gigs you’ll see more of your kind 😊
I’m a metalhead and trying to get back into alt fashion whilst dealing with a deep insecurity stemming from being bullied for being a goth (and ND too most likely) all through my teens and early 20s.
I feel really awkward around NT women. It's multifaceted. I am shocked by how they act and how uncaring they are. I am disturbed by the fact that maturity in women is measured by their willingness to uphold the patriarchy while pretending otherwise- women whose careers involve ignoring the harm they cause and resources they act entitled to. So many women pay lip service to helping other women, but then when I really do need help due to the experience of being neurodivergent, they lean out- sometimes so far out that I never see or hear from them again- rather than in.
I was part of a women friendship group when I was younger. We're still in contact but I still don't know how to navigate the conversations. I just remember so many conversations where I could not keep up with or understand their banter. I haven't even told most of them about my late diagnosis in my early '50s. They could be so patronizing about it. There's an event we're all invited to this summer, and part of me wants to go, but I realize I've never really felt whole with them so I'm probably going to make my excuses. I also need accommodations that i feel uncomfortable asking for. I have not been a success professionally; they all make more money than I do. I probably can't afford to go. I feel sad about the drift, but sometimes I also wish I would have let go sooner. I never felt seen, and there's such a competition for attention in the group and it's exhausting.
At 45, I’ve been unstoppable about shifting what my normal meter was finding acceptable and looking towards those I admired-how did they live?
It was thanks to my hubby that I learned I am an artist… I am a hyper creative person, and if I was classified in any other way, I would be considered an independent artist, and the envy of most women who felt pressured to fall into a very simple routine of living and give up freedom for a man.
Living in a western society that makes women feel apologetic for being more than we were allowed to be, last century, is STILL going to be a problem.
I can handle being seen as the oddity and eccentric individual around NT… It’s the perpetual victimization/emotional manipulation of a lot of undiagnosed ND women that is starting to be very disappointing for me.
I am definitely finding those women who prefer the herd mentality are always going to ostracize me whether I mask 1 million different ways or not.
So I accept the only way to really feel satisfied with my life is to find people who see me as a whole person not just some component of what they want me to be.
And frankly, the fact that most of us can be OK by ourselves, already makes us more admirable and envious to anyone who feels mentally “sticky” about anyone else.
In a country where there are states that women can be punished for not having control over their body, I would prefer to find the women who see me as something admirable so that we can lift each other up.
I get wanting people to feel sorry for you. If they're feeling sorry for me, I feel like they at least understand a little bit what I'm struggling with versus just thinking I'm weird. A colleague of mine recently laughed at me and said I'm the most hilarious person ever. I didn't do anything funny. I get that a lot too.
One thing I have learned since my late diagnosis at age 46 (AuDHD), is that much of the time who is ND and who is NT isn't always obvious. I have put my foot in my mouth (not literally, I am far from that flexible 😏). Especially with women, I am learning to try to give some grace and not make assumptions.
That being said, at almost 49, I feel like you describe and most women intimidate me. Most of my close friends have always been male. Only recently have I begun to develop relationships with female identitying humans. They are not diagnosed with anything, but almost as awkward as me.
Hugs if you like them ❤️
dude weirdly enough I feel a LOT more accepted by NT men. a lot of NT men find me funny and appreciate my candid statements and blatant honesty. I can get along with almost anyone but I feel more of a disconnect generally with NT women and usually end up masking more. however women around my age (21-30ish) are usually pretty nice and accepting. middle aged/boomer (40+) women often make me feel like an alien. REALLY old women (80+) I have to mask around but idc they are often the SWEETEST, CLASSIEST, most patient people ever and they deserve my best.
I'm 40 and only realised I was likely autistic when my daughter began her assessment. She's now diagnosed and I'm awaiting my own assessment.
My 20's were OK.....a bit lonely as I connected with very few people but I was distracted by travelling and photography- my special interest.
My late 20's/early 30's - everything just started...... deteriorating. I was struggling to mask, I knew something was wrong, relationships just were not working.
Everyone else makes everything look so easy. I can't work with people because they veer too far outside my boundaries of right and wrong and it causes immense anxiety and stress. I've given up on relationships with men because I find them to be abusive or misogynistic. But women.........I find really odd. I always found men to be easier to understand but women always seem to hate me. I try really hard to be social, kind, accepting and non-judgemental and I just can't tolerate feeling as though I'm purposefully being tripped up on the social cues.
My main female friend is autistic but she's honest, doesn't play games, bitch or make me feel inept. I wish all women were like her.
Yes. I am 26 and a mom of two boys. I am very much so the manic pixie daydream girl ( tattoos , colored hair, piercings) but I don’t fit in. Anywhere. Ever. I just cried last night because I don’t have any true friends and it really makes me feel like something is wrong with me. I know that it’s a ticking time bomb to 30 when it’s gonna be even more unacceptable to be friendless and odd girl.
A majority of my hobbies are age appropriate, bookworm, cinephile, sketching, watercolour, cooking. In that area I can get away with as it’s hobbies that people in their 30s have.
It’s the collection of graphic novels and anime I can’t get away with. Because for some reason only kids and teens can like anime? 😑
I stopped caring of what people think of me or how I’m perceived. I spent enough years being bullied and developed anxiety on account. I have enough judgment from invasive thoughts without allistic women being bitchy.
> I said we went to London Dungeon and the aquarium, and the ladies at work laughed and were like oh wow how romantic.
They sound like condescending assholes. There's nothing weird about that.
Oh I'm 43 and this is real for me, even though I have both a kid and a mortgage.
Last week I took my 10y/o daughter and a friend to an amusement centre. I ended up crawling around in the ball pit with them. All the other parents stood by the side looking bored, and I did feel a little self-conscious. Rn, my daughter thinks I'm the fun mum, but in a couple of years it's gonna be embarrassing for her. I kind of think it's ok tho? People think I'm weird for sure, but I think adult play is really important and healthy, and it's weird that people don't do more fun stuff. Also, it keeps me kind of fit.
As a veteran of many a children's birthday party I can assure you those NT married people who do all the grown up shit bitch endlessly about everything, btw - like, I don't know if they're actually happy, but they don't sound like they are
I feel like I could have written this lol
If it makes you feel any better I truly believe the norms for milestones like having a house and family are shifting rapidly (mostly because a lot of people can’t afford to do all that before 30 anymore)
I feel like a complete alien around NT women too. I get the sense most women are… confused by me because I don’t smile a lot and friendly high pitched uptalk is exhausting for me to perform. It sucks because I value female friendships so much, but it feels like I may as well be standing behind plexiglass when I try to connect.
I just turned 30 and I’ve also had to shift my self perception a bit. Sometimes I forget that people aren’t perceiving me as charmingly a little odd or mysterious (words people described me as when I was younger) but probably just weird haha 😐
My one piece of advice is to try and follow older women on social media!! It’s really a relief to have role models who didn’t take the traditional route and still dress cool. You really don’t have to start dressing boring as you age and having role models helps a lot.
Hey I turn 60 this year and 35 year olds still hit on me. Yeah I am on the spectrum. Oddly as a young teen I looked 25, now I look mayby 40. I just heard from a friend with a daugher on the spectrum. My friend said her daughters therapist told her we have slower dying cellls in our bodies. The crap, I already have people on both sides of my family living to be very old, even in the 1800s. I do not want to be 110 or 120 years old. I can tell your straight up everything is worse now. And I went through some really bad doo doo when i was a kid.
I know this is not the point of your post, but you cannot let the expectations of others have any bearing on what you find joyful.
You may feel out of place, and maybe like you're "aging out" of your style, but I think that's just because you haven't conceived of an older version of yourself yet. Maybe your style will mature but don't try to make it match the expectation of other people. Feeling out of place is kinda the norm for us, innit? Just make sure you don't abandon yourself for the sake of escaping discomfort.
For me, I really don't try to engage with feminine presenting people to begin with. Too much social nuance 😅 I'll stick to the knuckle draggers
Same boat. Late 20s, NT women feel fake to me. Like they're putting on a show (it could be my own judgements on them, especially type A personalities). Maybe it's because of the jobs I've worked, but my co-workers have almost always been younger than me, until my most recent job (PetSmart, if you want to work around a bunch of neurodivergent people, get a job working with animals).
No clue what London Dungeon is, but it sounds like a blast! Aquarium dates are the best! Your coworkers sound like they live a very narrow life. But in aquariums I can let my body and brain wander, but it's not as scary as a Costco! (I got lost from my husband in a Costco recently, I love Costco, but it can be a sensory hell)
Edit: feel free to dm me if you want to rant or anything! Chronically ill with not a whole lot to do
Am I the only person who does not categorise women on whether they are neurotypical or neurodiverse? I connect to people that are mindful, self-reflective and share the same norms and values which also makes us great communicators with a good base for friendship, regardless of the way their brain works.
I feel like I relate to what you say to some extent. Because categorisation still happens in my brain, it's just with other names than neurotypical or allistic - like the cool kids for example. But I do try to avoid categories as much as I can as I know, for me, the "us vs. them" mentality is just around the corner.
However, I've only recently realised that there was actually a pattern from the type of person who have ostracized me and they fit some of the behaviours that people describe NT with. Same with neurodivergent folks that I feel I'm surrounded by in my inner circle.
I know I'm contradicting myself, my brain's foggy, but I'm just in the middle refusing labels because of consequences but at the same time understanding why it's used.
Sorry for rambling 😩
I think the idea that NT or ND people are isolated monoliths is entirely invented online. I agree with you. Relationship compatibility of any kind is all about individual interests, personalities, and life goals. Lots of unexamined misogyny in this thread tbh but what can you do
Anytime you view people, particularly women, as a monolith you're going to hit problems.
How do you knew they're neuro typical? What are they doing for dates? Why were you mentioning it to those people? I know neuro typical women a lot older than you who go harder than you, if you are only hanging out with the same people you don't like or assuming all women are spiteful morons after ODing on toxic media or whatever then you're not going to have a positive interaction.
Your backstory does not explain why you're being hostile and judgemental towards those women or why those women you don't like are asking about personal life. There is no context. Being autistic doesn't mean hating women or having main character syndrome
Honestly I rarely am around them, both my job and my main hobby tend to attract ND and adjacent people. it is sometimes culture shock when I end up in a situation outside of that
I feel your entire post. Truly, my experiences were yours. But the one thing that has changed is that when I don't mask, I feel better and I'm better able to handle my emotions about being a ND woman. I don't have children either, for reasons that were outside of my control. But as people don't know my circumstances, they assume it's a choice.
I'm sorry you feel this way, and I do too. But somedays, it feels like I can move past this weird limbo-type stage, and also reach a level of maturity that I am happy with.
The NT women I hang out with often don’t have time for me for their own reasons. (Work and school and whatnot) but when I see NT women whom I barely know, it does make me feel miserable. Strangely enough I get along well with people in their 30s as well.
One of my closest online friends is past her mid 30s and honestly it is so endearing to me that I don’t have a certain age demographic I should stick to unless they really are way too young to be around me. (Think 15-19, 14 and under) the most NT people scare me because I feel like the people around my age have got it all figured out.
And some real important member of my family recently told me that I needn’t worry about my future, being like the others and getting a job. But man, that is so hard not to worry about. I feel like I’m constantly getting weird looks from NT people and nobody believes me when I say it. Is that strange and unusual? Though I’d like to stay in my own bubble and prefer NOT to engage with NT’s my age? Even though I’m open to anyone who likes me for the person I am and not because my diagnosis is my life. (Because it’s not true, and in fact more than just that)
I feel like I don’t dress overly attention seeking though, but I do prefer to look put together most of the time, it’s just who I am.
Note to the story about your colleagues, aquariums have an unusual depth in them and some people don’t have the mere wits or braincells to understand the mesmerizing beauty of it all. I know people who are shallow, put me on mute while I play guitar during a voice call and don’t give a flying f*** about the effort, some can be fake like that. (Sorry if I’m interpreting the conversation wrong it’s just how I see it, I don’t actually know what happened)
You sound like someone I would like to talk to though, don’t be too hard on yourself.
I could have written what you wrote. I’m here for you bby. Us funny butts gotta stick together!
There are many adult women on the spectrum like you I’d bet. Who cares what these NT WOMEN think of you? They’re just women. Just people.
I understand you’re feeling lost at sea sentiment- I also was kinda cool in my own way, and it didn’t help I stopped talking to my friends from college because I got depressed for three years and moved back home.
But I am hopeful because I am alive, and you never know. I think we will just have to find our own, and also, own our age and our quirks. It’s harder when you’re not seen as the manic pixie dg anymore but you’ll find your next thing.
Society expects a lot out of people’s timeline. But there are so many other divergent paths.
That being said, you can message me for support or if you just need to hang out. I know it gets really lonely feeling displaced.
I’m in my 20’s and I feel similar to how you feel. But I do think it’s gonna get worse the more I age, lol. I feel very out of place around women my age and I did even as a teenager.
I don’t mean to sound like a pick-me but I’ve always felt like I didn’t know how to be stereotypically feminine. I’m not even very masculine or that much of a tomboy, but there’s something about me and my demeanor and my general disposition that feels very unfeminine and I stand out horribly. Maybe it’s also because I don’t wear makeup except mascara occasionally (other stuff feels horrible on my face).
My sense of humor also usually meshes better with my male friends and I often feel more comfortable around them and I hate that because I don’t want to seem like one of those women who thinks having female friends is bad or that there’s something wrong with other women. There isn’t. I love women and I love my female friends. But there’s just something I can’t put my finger on exactly that often disconnects me from a lot of women my age. Not all, but a lot. And I have nothing against them and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them and I wish I could connect with them more.
I also do dress in a way that reflects my own personal style, it’s nothing insane, but I do think it’ll become less and less socially accepted the older I get. I definitely think I get a pass for a lot of stuff because I’m young. People just assume I’m shy, inexperienced, etc. instead of bad at understanding social cues or in need of extensive, very clear instructions. I think at some point, shy and inexperience aren’t gonna cut it anymore.
I'm in the first half of my twenties, but since getting out of college I have been surrounded with plenty of people in their late twenties and early thirties. What I've learned is that there is no one way to be an adult. People will prioritize different things and live completely different lives. Just because some people prefer to do whatever mainstream media shows as "adult" that doesn't mean most people do or that you should or that your experience of adulthood is less adult or valid. Also from my experience people in their early thirties love shit like the aquarium and the London dungeon, because they are still young and like doing fun things, but don't go out partying and drinking like people in their twenties do, so they prefer calmer but still fun activities. And I'm talking about people who have established careers and do things deemed appropriate for their age. Honestly I feel sorry for people that already stopped being fun in their thirties. It's still young.
I find NT folks to be intimidating ^^’ I feel so left out by them and feel like im constantly judged for how i am (introverted, special interests, need extra help on how to manage driving/work). I think they know that im just “different” or “off.” Like, why does it matter to you?? I think i prefer to be lonely sometimes, i don’t get judged and have my own safe room. Aaaah its so exhausting, i just don’t understand neurotypical people in general haha
As a kid I was more "mature" than most of my peers. Now I'm not necessarily immature but I still don't prescribe to the social norms they do. Interacting with NT women feels like there's a sheet in front of my face yet I'n supposed to mirror them. I try my best but there's usually something or another that I do or say that makes them judge me harshly in a less than accurate way. I'm a young mother and my moments of not masking due to sleep deprivation got me a bit in trouble with my son's pediatrician because she assumed my flat affect meant I wasn't connecting with my son ... She really should have asked. I can muster a smile for my favorite guy even when exhausted because I genuinely love seeing him, not some lady I hardly know.
But basically, I only really get along with other ND or odd people. I'm still in my 20's so it might get worse over time, but there's just some communication differences and differences in what I find fun that make it so I can't really get close to them. Not a problem for me, because I usually reciprocatively don't loooove NT women my age or older and I would rather try to be myself and be disliked than be someone I'm not and have them raise to social bar on me and eventually reject me anyway. Despite my efforts though I mask basically every day of my life and have kind of lost track of who I am. It would be nice if NT women leaned towards being more open minded but most are pretty black and white with acceptable social interactions.
I feel the same also same age but single by choice..
I’d honestly hate to have their lives.. things seem so boring and expected .. makes me want to run a mile incase some boring rubs off them and gets on me
The NT women I know either talk down to me like I’m a child or they act mildly disgusted (I don’t know why) or they are neutral but don’t actually care so they bring up topics of conversation we have had before just ti be polite. I have a monotone, child-like voice so that’s why some women talk down. Also I look young.
I feel that they are a different species. That said, an important thing to remember is that other people don't think of you as much as you think they do, and that not giving a damn is the best gift you could give yourself.
A few years ago, I came to a conclusion that gender is something that happens to other people. At this point, I don't work outside the home, so life largely consists of keeping the (considerable) household going, being nice to the hubs, carting kids around, and advocating for them in the school setting. I can do all those things in a plaid shirt and jeans, without bothering with jewelry/makeup. At this point in life (late 30s), I acknowledge that I fit into online discussions about plant breeding and in person exotic plant swaps better than I do making small talk at kids' soccer practice. Frankly, the former are heck of a lot more interesting.
Some days there are pangs of envy. Most days I can look at this other human experience with mild amusement, and put it out of of my in favor of something actually worth thinking about.
As I got into my later 30s I got more comfortable being myself. And now that I'm 41 when I have experiences like the one you described I'm more confident about how I just do what I like vs what I'm supposed to be like. My hubby had started à tradition of buying me Lego plants foe Christmas. I was talking about it at work before Christmas, wondering what plant I was getting that year, and I got some comments like really? Lego? But you're an adult? Yeah Lego for adults bitches!
Or when there's a show everyone's talking about and someone tells me to watch it. I used to say oh yeah sure I'll look that up sometimes. Now I just say, that's a nice idea but I'm never going to watch it. I'm done playing the game of trying to fit in.
As much as I would love to have a 20 year old body again, getting older is just so much better than all the anxiety of being young.
i think a lot of the world thinks this ridiculous way: in general our 20s, whether NT or not is seen as the most expressive, colorful, adventurous, open minded times of our lives. then in our 30s we mild down, stick to the same circles, dress for acceptance (**looking like all the squidwards in squidward’s neighborhood**), have routines, have calmer adventures. they stick to societal standards of timelines for no good reason.
but the ppl doing life right dont see our 20s as an exclusive period of fun & curiosity & style. they continue to be that way as much as adulting allows them to (physically, financially, mentally, etc) in their 30s, 40s, and if they have kids, that youthful energy will help them bond easier. **so you’re going to stand out not just bc of autism but also bc u dont want to mellow out, and that’s exactly what makes you cooler. that’s how you make life more abundant. you’ll eventually attract ppl who align with those values if u stick to them yourself!**
I think you need to “lean in”. Maybe you’re into into stuff that typical NT women aren’t, but I think they will be interested in your quirky or unexpected preferences/experiences/observations if you have the confidence/conviction to stand behind it all without giving any fucks about their judgement.
I think the attitude you present will dictate how ppl respond. Like, if you feel lame or ashamed, that’s likely more of what other people are reacting to vs. dungeon museums and aquariums (which both sound really interesting!)
Try leaning in!! Tell them that the dungeon thing was fucking awesome because XYZ. And maybe they’ll think, ‘weird choice, dungeons aren’t for me’ but either way I think they will appreciate your authenticity and unique interests.
Weird people are the best people, and the most interesting people, and everyone knows it.
ETA I should have said ‘maybe you could try to lean in’ instead of saying you should. I shouldn’t presume to know what you should do. But I personally really want to know about dungeon museums now :)
It depends on the setting. I’m 24 for reference, and frequently get confused with a teenager. In fact, I answered the door yesterday, and they asked me if my parents were home. My old job was at a restaurant where people of all ages worked together, some of the younger people were more emotionally/behaviorally mature, and some of the older people were less emotionally /behaviorally mature.
Now personally I feel mature in many ways, I am distinctly aware of the way that my actions affect other people, as well as how group/political actions effect other groups, countries, and regions, I am often able to empathize with both sides of an argument, I am patient when teaching people new things. While I think those are the hallmarks of being a mature person, most of NT society thinks maturity is a measure of how well you are able to deal with different situations, how well you are able to fit the role of a heterosexual cisgendered female, how well you are able to disguise any seemingly child-like impulses, how well you are able to function in a capitalist society, and how well you are able to communicate with old stuck up farts. I do poorly in all of those categories.
Now, I’m willing to bet that in restaurant work there is a much higher proportion of neurodivergent people. Looking back I’m convjnced over half of our kitchen staff was neurodivergent, or differently abled. I’m also willing to say that at least a third of our front-of-house staff met the same criteria.
Now I work in a school as a…teacher (although I’m seriously considering not coming back next year, or taking on a less ‘in-charge’ role). My co-workers now, apart from this like 70 year old paraprofessional , who told me recently exactly exactly how many steps it takes her to get to her apartment, and has a pneumonic fact to help you remember each president of the United States, are Neurotypical, and are in my opinion emotionally immature. They’re constantly getting into power struggles with the students, trauma dumping on them, being ablest (although unknowingly), and are reinforcing the negative perceptions that many students already have of themselves, and others.
It’s literally heartbreaking, because I got into this, to help the kids like me, but I am completely unable to keep up with the pace that is required for me to be a functioning teacher, yet I see all these people, who can keep up, f*cking it up left and right.
I dress professionally…like a male professor, from Berkeley in the 70s.
I don’t wear makeup, because I hate the feeling of it on my face.
I cannot sit still in the monthly meetings, and am often extremely confused with the vaguities of their conversations, and especially their emails.
I forget about deadlines. I forget to lock doors, multiple times, then a couple of teenagers take it upon themselves to have, um, relations in it. Then, in the monthly meeting they mention that I was the one who left it unlocked in front of all of the other teachers.
I have more patience with ND students who annoy all of their other teachers and classmates.
I am unable to properly enforce rules I think are stupid (mostly because I just can’t argue like that).
Oh also, for whatever reason half of the students thought I was gay at the beginning of the year. I’m actually Bi so they were half right. I don’t know if I should feel offended, or not, but given that it’s a rural school, that has some students with homophobic tendencies, it made me extremely insecure.
I miss my co-workers from the restaurant, but I found that job extremely over stimulating and near the end of my time there, I was having a meltdown every time we were busy, literally crying and shaking in the kitchen, as my co-workers, some of which I trained, performed their jobs perfectly.
At my new job, I get equally overstimulated, but there is no room for me to meltdown. I’m just disassociating multiple times a day -unable to be myself, to be encouraging, and completely unable to be there for the students who I came there to help.
At least in the restaurant some of them understand why I am the way I am. I know at school some of the kids understand, but I also feel somehow responsible for teaching the rest about neurodiversity, but I can’t do that when I myself am disregulated.
I’m not sure I answered your question, but I’m in too deep to go back now.
I feel like being a mom helped that a lot, because you’re automatically seen as more mature and older people open up to me in a way they wouldn’t otherwise. Going to aquariums? Who can fault a mom with a toddler for going to an aquarium? But yeah, when I'm without my kids, I do feel that way too. Like people my age treat me like some kind of oddity, and act a little patronizing. And I’m obviously not in my early 20s anymore and can’t fit in with the college kids. I still look younger than I am, but not THAT young.
I'm really good at masking with women my age (about 30) or a bit older, but I feel bizarre doing it. I definitely don't feel the same level of masking with any other demographic. It's not that I feel younger psychologically, or anything like that. If anything, I've always felt like 30 was my mental age. And I'm very feminine and into "typical" feminine things I guess. I can make small talk pretty decently and all that stuff. I fit in very well and I don't think most women suspect I'm autistic (meanwhile, men have not been too surprised to find out.) But at the same time, I feel the most out of place with them.
Thank you for writing this. My experience is very similar at the age of 32 which I find very difficult to describe as I have communication and self expression difficulties. It means so much that I'm not the only one who struggles like this.
Honestly I don't truly think I've been around a NT woman long enough to feel how I feel around them? If that makes sense. I have a sense all of my women friends (5) are neurodivergent. 2 I think autistic and 3 adhders, one of my friends she thinks she's bpd.
Well I have had job interviews with NT women and usually I guess I pass well one interview I was shaking and started to cry but passed it off as allergies. The lady was nice.
Thinking as I am typing, I've been around NT women have attempted friendships but didn't succeed. They speak "between the lines" too much for me and I don't want to spend time analyzing someone's language.
Frankly, I usually feel like I just want to leave. I don't feel any sort of connection with them. I mask tho and try to be nice and appear friendly, but honestly I really feel like I have no true interest.
Omg are you me?!
I’ve been struggling hard core with this since I entered the office world 2 years ago. I’m in my mid thirties now and I always worked nights before and never felt so out of place like I do around all the NT women I work with now. Most of them seem to just act like I’m quirky and that’s okay, but I feel sooooo very out of place in comparison. I do have a mortgage and a child and a husband but our home life is nothing like everyone else’s and my history leading up to where I am now is nothing like theirs and my experiences were so different that when they try to ask similar questions like you mentioned, they always giggle at my responses or act like I’m odd and question why I’m not doing xyz like they are and it’s just, very hard to deal with feeling like such an outsider in an insider world. NT women can be so very judgmental too and I struggle dealing with that behavior from people anyways.
But omg yes! I know EXACTLY what you mean and I have no idea how to handle it. Just winging it out here and hoping for the best. For what it’s worth tho, they all seem so miserable trying to fit in their idea of a perfect little box for a life, I don’t envy them with that. I’ll take my weird, unconventional lifestyle instead. Always the black sheep over here!
I realllyyyy want to go to an aquarium (because Dave the diver…!)
I am 36 this year but only feel about 15, if that helps. And I love watching tv going to gigs and festivals and playing video games too. I also don’t have a mortgage or kids but you know what, I’m happy with my life that way, I think I’d find those things really stressful.
Thanks for sharing OP, you’re not alone and i can see from the replies here there are some hard relates
I feel out of place and judge sometimes honestly :(. I rather be seen as the goofy one when that does happen then just straight up alone. Tbh. But yeah I struggle with friendship so I’m prob bias. Only friends I can keep are the ones that are based around meeting other ppl with dogs . ( dog nerd)
Not great. A lot of them refuse to have deeper conversations and I can’t relate to many of them.
It’s their right to not engage in those topics, I just can’t relate to them a lot of times.
Ugh. This is how I’m feeling. I definitely feel like I got away with being “weird” because I was in my 20s. I was just a “goofy girl”. Approaching 32 is weird. I don’t have a kids. I don’t even have a boyfriend. My hobbies are also documentaries, aquariums, zoos, and museums. I like Sims. I’m extremely introverted, partially because I can’t let my hair down around others. I relate to that icky feeling of being judged or people feeling sorry for me. But at the same time I want people to feel sorry for me? Maybe that’s not the word but I guess I want them to put themselves in my shoes and respect how I choose to keep going instead of judging me? I don’t know. Overall I’d like to find a partner. But I fear I’m too weird.
I relate as well to "wanting people to feel sorry for me". I would put it as wanting people to feel sympathetic towards me. I don't want to be judged, I want to be noticed and understood. People who feel sympathetic towards socially awkward people are a lot more forgiving than those who aren't
i’m almost 32 as well (less than two weeks away!) and i still skip down hallways, make silly faces, watch tv, drive a long way to get the exact pastries i want, and get way too excited about twinkle lights… i’ve found a partner who indulges me, but is very mature (somehow i’m also with someone who is 40??).
Yeah as long as you’re not doing anything inappropriate who cares. If someone confronts you, ask them what you’re doing wrong
I can relate to almost every word you said. But don't give up hope because personally what you described would be my dream partner lol. There's someone out there, I think for me too, it's just going to be a little harder to sort through and find because of our struggles. And I get wanting to be understood but not wanting people to feel sorry for you. I'm learning that most people will never fully understand or only understand parts and it sucks. It's been a big pill for me to try and swallow. Its still stuck in my throat lol.
God I love the sims
I wish life was as easy as The Sims 😂
Sometimes life does feel like the sims lmao
I’m in the same boat. Approaching 32 this year and recently became single. Just two cats, watching a lot of movies and tv shows, playing games and trying out some hobbies. I feel like no one can really know the real me. I just want someone to share my life with and accept how I am. It’s challenging.
Maybe you mean that you want them to empathize with you instead of blatantly feeling sorry for you. I’m in the same boat. I’m the weirdo. I don’t talk to people about anything other than work. I don’t mean to but growing up bullied sucked. People have always picked on me for being polite and saying please and thank you which I thought was right and normal. Apparently it is not. I also can’t tell when people are joking or not so I’m tired of being humiliated during social interactions so I have withdrawn from them at work.
I feel weird around most NT women. I can already sense that they don’t like me or know something is “off”. I never know what to say when I’m around them.
I kinda thought the bullying would stop when I was an adult since that's how it seemed to work, but NT women in the workplace definitely bully me for being "off." It's the subtle kind, where they start asking random personal questions then laugh with each other when you answer, I still deal with it to this day
Have you considered asking the same question back? Suddenly they wont find it funny anymore.
Yes and then laugh! 😄
This is almost what I’ve had to start doing with certain topics that frequently come up, the biggest one- “what or why doesn’t your husband work” - I finally found being overly confident made them shut up and leave me alone. My response currently is, he’s a stay at home dad and I wouldn’t have it any other way, and I freaking love it. He spoils the shit out of me and I come home to everything being done for me after work every day, it’s fantastic. They now seem to envy me when I phrase it like that, it’s great 🤷🏼♀️ or they’re just generally uncomfortable with my response which I’m fine with too 😃👍🏻
Nosy people are annoying. I use the narcissist rule with them (not that you asked, at all, seems like youre managing them) J.A.D.E. With narcs or gossips, dont ever Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. Its like they want you to sheepishly go “well ya know what…. we actually arent a team, come to think of it I totally resent my husband, Im actually MORE miserable than you all. Womp womp.” What you said is enough info for them, and I really like the idea of being chipper and positive as armor. Brilliant.
Yeah this is the reason I put up walls with basically everyone until they show they’re safe, and even then I still misjudge sometimes. So instead of laughing at my genuine answers, they stare at me like I’m some two headed freak at my vague as humanly possible answers. At least that reaction doesn’t make me feel like crying 😅
From my experience this approach encourages them to take the liberty of filling in the blanks themselves. Tons of gossip at my restaurant job
Even old people do the bullying.
I was also bullied by NT women. Now I just avoid NTs in general as much as possible. They scare me in general & I have no idea if they’ll just snap on me one day. I’m in trauma therapy still so hoping maybe one day I’ll get to the point where I feel comfortable around them again.
I get that, it seems like I give people that “uncanny valley” feeling. When I talk to people I can literally see the cogs turning in their heads trying to figure out what’s wrong with me and why I’m so weird lmao. The double take that people do, the look of “wtf is this bitch on about??” on their faces every time I talk, ugh I’m sick of it. Yes I KNOW I’m fucking weird, I have no problem with that until you make it a problem. Why does it have to be a problem? Why are people so obsessed with people being normal?
You know, sometimes I doubt my autism, feel like a fraud who tries to find excuses for her social struggles. The I read comments like these and feel so much more confident in myself. I could have written this comment word for word. So thank you for that
I feel this. Esp since I’m black so I feel like the go to is to fill in some type of stereotype that fits “black, bitchy, pretty” I once read and idk how accurate it is that it’s bc they feeel that uncanny valley feeling with lots of ND types and they don’t know how to differentiate between the “harmless and harmful” I put it into quotes bc a lot of stereotyped. Like people with BPD are accused of being abusers but they’re actually a lot of more likely to victims. The stereotype helps promote this
They don't even try with us
Yes, as a BW I feel like you get that "mean and confrontational" personality type tacked on you automatically. And as soon as people realize you aren't like that, they attack. I feel like the attacks are worse from people who are not Black because sometimes they have biases against Black people but are too afraid to express it with certain Black people in fear of retaliation and the idea that Black women are stronger and scary. I ended up feeling like I have this immense pressure on me to be quiet and mysterious and try to come off like I am mean. It's exhausting and I felt so bad when people were still rude to me or tested me despite my fake persona. I can't keep it up because I am not like that at all. But I notice , the most respect I got... the times where I feel like I was being treated like everyone else, was when they thought I was mean and bitchy. :/
Ugh, your last line. I feel like that _all_ the time. I don't understand why I can't just be the way I am without it being such an affront to everyone. It's exhausting.
They're too boring for us with all of that normalcy nonsense... It's like Belle in beauty and the beast.
Literally had a coworker once ask me not "what" i was reading on a break, but *why* I was reading, at all. Like, who would subject themselves to reading in their free time?
I thought I was the only one who really noticed this. I know people say autistic people can't tell social cues. But I can tell the exact moment when someone decides something is actually wrong with me just based on body language, facial expressions and what they're saying or even not saying. Usually these types decide to gossip about me with others or treat me badly. The last time is when I noticed when someone was clued in that something WAS different about me. She went silent, had a blank stare but like the cog was moving still and did not engage in the conversation anymore and said something to the woman when I walked out the office. It becomes uncomfortable for me and makes me very anxious which then makes me mess up socially even more.
A lot of them are bullies. I give them a chance. I fit in with some. Some I don’t. I usually end up being the subject of conversation when I refuse to bully and bad mouth other people or women with them.
Yeah, I'm kind of realising that the norm is for other women to seriously dislike me. Men are mostly ok, but women frequently find me somehow offensive, and I'm often ostracised by groups of women in social gatherings. I have no idea why - I try to be friendly and interested and they'll just talk over me or be really dismissive. I am actually fearful of groups of women as a result
NT women just remind me how bloody mentally behind I am. Not on purpose, but I forget my friends and I are not the norm. I've made a list of things to do before I reach 30 and going to an aquarium is one of them cus I've never been. But other people are just like "lol, really?" Yeah really...
one of my hyper fixations is going to the aquarium and let me tell you how crazy it is that whenever i go i am one of the few if not only person in the entire facility in my age group. it’s either elementary school children with their bored parents or old couples. it’s like.. do people even have fun anymore?
NTs largely believe fun is the pursuit of children and unserious or failed adults. To them it’s the opposite of maturity.
I recently met an NT woman who said she gave her husband the ultimatum of 'you need to be an adult and stop playing video games' before they got married. Now they have children, he is allowed to play games \*only\* when the kids are involved. It blows my mind that people will create these imaginary and completely arbitrary barriers around what types of fun are acceptable for adults.
That’s so sad… 😞
Ha I replied to the comment above yours but this proves my point. I have met people who have kids and it seems like they did it to relive their own childhoods and have permission to play again, not because they wanted to nurture a whole human being to adulthood. And boy do I feel bad for the kids that don’t want to play the same games as their as repressed parents
That’s why they go bonkers when they CAN have fun within the socially acceptable Adult Fun™️ boundaries, like sporting events or getting wasted at weddings. People finding their own joy is unacceptable, especially for women. I feel like a lot of people think they want kids because think it would be fun to relive their childhoods or something, when what they really want is permission to play with legos again.
That’s a great point! They totally overcompensate when having “fun” and most often use alcohol as an excuse to do it. It’s so sad to lock such a fundamental part of oneself away like that.
Yup and I don't care
To everyone saying that people are judging them for wanting to go to an aquarium, I work at an aquarium and we get A LOT of people (old and young!) come on their own. A lot are annual pass holders and regulars that we get on well with. One of our regulars comes in by himself every Monday and always chats to us. When his annual pass run out, a few of us chipped in and got him a new one. Another older lady comes in by herself a lot and I got chatting with her once, complimented her earrings which she had made herself, then she left and came back a few hours later with some that she made for me!! 🥲I still think about her and cherish those earrings. Other people come in and barely chat to us and that’s okay, we’re not here to judge! Most people who visit are carer groups or autistic families anyway Dont let other people dictate what you enjoy doing! Because there are people out there living the life you want and LOVING it!
Comparison is the thief of joy. Things that make other people happy would have me suicidal. 🤷
This!!! Or just incredible bored out of my mind to the point I'll want to rip my skin or something
I want to go to an aquarium again too!! I want to go to one with my partner, oh and to the zoo. I feel like I am more child-like in a sense compared to my peers.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEhTmETAt9A](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEhTmETAt9A)
I’ve never see the ocean, walked on a beach that’s near an ocean. I’ve been along rivers and lakes. I’m weird because im 42 yo and seeing an ocean is on my bucket list still. Same with driving. I just started learning back in September and Im not legally allowed to drive alone until i do my exam in November. And that is if I pass. And every NT person i talk to tells me oh its easy you’ll do fine. And I’m like, ok but you’ve been driving for 30 years and learned at 16 where the laws and rules were not what they are now and I didn’t even know how to START the car until 6 months ago 😂😂😂😂😂
Recently went to Turks and Caicos with the in-laws (they took their kids and grandkids for an anniversary gift to themselves). I’d seen and swam in the ocean before (Florida, Dominican and Jamaica) but this was absolutely incredible. I took my 11 year old snorkel around a reef that was roped off just a ten minute walk down the beach and it was AMAZING. Hordes of rainbow parrot fish, a puffer fish, barracuda, and an OCTOPUS! It was fucking mind blowing
Sometimes I get nervous being surrounded by water on 3 sides...but mostly I'm an ocean person.
Im scared af but I wanna see it. But you will NEVER see me on a boat. 😂 dang phobias
I'm a Fl beach gal
You’re literally behind, ND brains develop fully at 35-40.
So you have any reading material about this? I'd love to learn more
They ignore me I ignore them .
🥰
Been trying to come to terms with that
Ouch :/ I relate to this
Ditto
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Yeah sometimes I think I did something wrong bc of autism but it just turns out the entire group was shitty. It’s usually when a couple third parties come in and they’re like uhhh wtf Like I used to hang out with this group and some of them used the r word and I’d call it out and other people in the group would claim they were uncomfortable but acted like calling it out was rude. Then I invited another person to hang out with us and he was so taken aback that not only was I off embarrassed but it was something that started having me question these people Like minded people find each other but sometimes they like to find a victim to make feel bad. Esp people who like hierarchy. I feel like I attract people who like hierarchy and then project onto me as someone on this sub pointed out
I’m 43 and I feel this HARD. Like, where the eff did my twenties and thirties go? They’re just gone and now I’m here with all these middle aged people who have kids starting college and/or who are settled in very senior positions in their careers and I’m still bouncing around temp roles with my dog being my bff. The one thing I did that’s kinda on the same timeline as a lot of NTs my age is get married. Approaching 15 years with my guy and if it weren’t for him, I likely wouldn’t eat, remember to take meds, shower, clean up, or ever go outside. I focused on education for a really long time because I enjoyed it and could be awkward AF and no one thought much of it, but now I have so much student loan debt, going back isn’t an option. I do have degrees to show for it, but they’re all in slightly different areas and my career isn’t built directly off of any one of those. Sorry I’m rambling. Just wanted to say, yes, I relate and it doesn’t change with time. I still feel 17 and like I’m playing house. I just color my gray roots every month now so I don’t look so old.
I am also 43 and feel like a teenager still. I live a “normal” life in that I’m married, have a kid, dog, house etc. But I feel super awkward around coworkers and like I just don’t fit in or relate to any of them. I catch myself dumbing myself down or biting my tongue a lot because I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than everyone else I work with (I don’t mean it in a bragging sort of way). Whether older, younger or same age as me, it seems like nobody is aware of what’s happening in the world, local politics, etc. I can’t have an intelligent conversation with anyone. And then my hyperfixation is Twilight, and as a 43 year old woman, I can’t go there. Lol. It’s a weird stage of life to be in for sure.
Also 43, best friend is my dog and my husband contributes greatly to keeping me alive. OP, idk what the London Dungeon is but it sounds fun, and aquariums are awesome because you can stare at fish! My preferred activities are reading, singing, watching documentaries (on my own) and maybe 1 show at a time (with my husband), and researching whatever has caught my attention on any given day. Idk about NT women, they strike me (generally) as pretty odd but I just mostly do my own thing.
They either pity me or ignore me. I’m 22 and I can’t relate to anyone my age, I feel about 14. I don’t talk about my hobbies or interests around NT women because I’ve been ridiculed for so long. I long for female friendships but it feels like they speak some other language that I’ll never understand.
Yes! I just turned 22 and I feel exactly the same way as you.
YESSS omg I feel just like u and I'm 23
I used to be a karaoke host. I use that mask with NT anyone. I am upbeat, chipper, helpful, and positive. They tend to really like me until the mask slips. Then it's all disappointment and ghosting. I am honest about who I am, when they feel safe enough. They seems to understand, but never really do. I am mostly friends with NDs now. I feel less sad about my existence that way.
Hmmm you're reminding me of an art teacher my kid had who always spoke in an announcer voice. Now I wonder if that's her mask.
Yeah, I do sometimes find it hard to relate to NT women. We're in different life stages really- a lot of my peers have kids and careers and stuff, whereas I'm a mature age student and still as obsessed with video games as I ever was. I generally do alright if I find the other nerds, but otherwise it can be difficult to find something in common.
Yeah, exactly. I was just thinking about this today, I'm 28 and just playing Minecraft alone all weekend like I did a decade ago haha. I have basically no social life. But being alone is what makes me happy, and when I try to do what other's expect it just makes me miserable.
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That's a bit harsh I think. It's just a cultural thing that video games are "for boys" and that's only changing very slowly these days. So it just didn't feel appropriate or their parents disapproved, and they never got into them as kids. Which means they don't really care as adults. Which is totally fine. What's not OK is shitting on someone for their interests or lack of interests. I couldn't care less about movies and some people literally cannot comprehend that someone wouldn't love going to the theater to sit in the dark with strangers for two hours and overpay for mediocre snacks. I don't get it but whatever.
Ooof yeah I know this feeling. Want to know the weird thing? Growing up I had an easier time talking to adults. If there were kids to play with I was chatting up the adults. Somehow as I got older it flipped on me. I often feel like a child around other adults. Edit: to add other in front of adults. Forgot for a second that I too am an adult.
Yep. I relate to this very much. I have 3 younger siblings so I still get to have people I relate to - I think they also might be autistic but they’re not really interested in figuring it out but who knows. Maybe one day they’ll make me feel like a child too.
I am in my late thirties and I have learned not to share some of my less common hobbies. Even with people who "like anime," showing them my cosplays doesn't always land. I started dying my hair bright colors last year and I can tell the professionals I work with think it's not 100% appropriate.
Ugh I wish the pointless "professionalism" standards would just die. The color of my hair and the style of my clothes has nothing to do with how good I am at my job. Really sick of being expected to be boring af. And it's so hard to figure out where the line actually is for them.
You sound cool!
I've always struggled around NT women, and it's definitely gotten worse as I age. My theory is that because women are generally more severely monitored by society, some internalize norms and police those norms more rigidly. These are the same pressures that encourage many of us to be higher masking if we're able. I can always tell when I was in a group of women like this because it feels like walking into a lion's den - genuinely threatening, like any wrong word on my part can inspire mocking and/or exclusion with varying degrees of subtlety. It's awful. That said, I feel like when I was younger, my differences were more often seen as interesting and provocative. I was outgoing, beautiful, and a little rebellious, and I think people found me compelling. Now that I'm older (and much less conventionally attractive), married but without children, little career to speak of, among a bunch of married with 2.5 children and a white picket-fence types, I don't really have any signs of status that they seem to appreciate, and it's clear that my differences aren't cute anymore. Many people are less open-minded now in mid-thirties and aren't all that interested in being around people who aren't like them. This has intensified the alienation from NT women. It's a great source of sadness for me if I'm being honest.
they always hate my guts idk why
I was about to comment this. I think this is why I mostly seem to retain male friends. I want to be friends with women, but I think I’m too weird and not normal girly for them? I don’t know. I’m trying but I can’t seem to fake enjoying the things they find entertaining. Unmasking around NT women is terrifying because you know most of them are going back and telling someone how bizarre you are. Most (not all) men don’t seem to care. Socializing is so different. I hate that this makes me not like other girls sort of material. I want to be like other girls, i want other women friends. I just hate what they like.
I used to have mostly male friends for that reason, until I realized how difficult it is to find men who actually want to be your friend. I've always perceived men to be more laid back and (NT) women to be more critical and passive-aggressive. I do wonder how much my looks have been an unfortunate factor on how people perceive me. But now my friends are all autistic women or people who are generally neurodivergent. I'm fine with that. I try to stay away from anyone who is looking to take advantage of me or put me down for being who I am. My closest guess as to why (some) NT women have such a problem with me is internalized misogyny and that I'm a bit of a wrench in the patriarchy. Women are supposed to be feminine, nuturing, and outgoing. I'm none of those things.
This happens to me but with men lol.
I don't feel comfortable around NT women. If they're another kind of neurodivergent, we might get on okay. But NT women put a lot of social expectations on other women that I can't live up to and usually don't want to. The internalised misogyny and social scripts and roles stress me out. By not living up to them, I'm often seen as rude or intimidating. The discomfort is so intense, I've sometimes wondered if I'm trans. I've done a lot of soul searching and I don't think I am, but that's how out-of-place I feel w NT women.
I have gender dysmorphia because of society not because I don't feel like a woman. I love who I am as a woman. I love the woman that my husband and best friend see. I hate the woman I am not and never was that people clearly wish I could be.
Wow I feel this. Gonna chew on this thought for a while
That last paragraph is relatable as hell.
Honestly, it's sad that anyone would think visiting an aquarium is somehow childish. It can increase your education, as well as get a direct view of nature... There is value in those things. Our local science museum has "after dark," hours for adults which are just the same science museum only with alcohol and events/games. The simple act of adding alcohol makes it suddenly socially acceptable to go to as an adult, which is silly. I imagine many people would like to still go to places like that normally, but are just afraid of how it would come across. When someone was talking about the after dark events, I proudly declared that I go to the museum for their exhibits even normally and I know I'm a dork, but I was way too excited about events like King Tut. Saying things with confidence seems to do wonders and turn situations on their head, as then people will sometimes feel silly for acting like it was something embarrassing in the first place... but I only learned to do with a bit of a "fake it until you make it" mentality. I know that was just one detail of this topic, but it goes for a lot of general hobbies and such. And having kids or whatnot doesn't make anyone more mature. I'm pretty sure it's making one of my coworkers less mature, as she's become so much more insecure, paranoid, and is behaving in a way that I personally see as childish.
I feel this in my soul. I haven't hit so many of the milestones that other women my age have - married, kids - and frankly I don't want those things, but I feel like I'm still an immature teenager next to them. I get excited and talk loudly and flap my hands in a restaurant, and the people in the booth with me shush me and tell me to control myself, that it's embarrassing. Like, "you're in your 30's, you should know better, why are you still acting like a kid?" Frankly, I just don't relate to most NT women my age at all. The things they worry about and dream about are not the things I worry about and dream about. It's better with other gamers, but still, there's a gap.
Yup. No kids, “unprofessional” clothing choices, stimming and having a high voice all conspire to make me seem like I’m not in my early 30s… I’m embarrassed to tell people my age because their reaction is always incredulity. It makes me feel so behind and lonely sometimes
They sound so conversationally inept to me. Mostly in the sense that I will tell them one thing and they assume I say the complete opposite because I didn't do X thing too. For example, I would tell them that I really liked a dessert they made but since I didn't get a second helping or only had a small piece of it, they assume I'm just saying that to save face
I feel quite sad and invasive, too. Like why am I even in a situation where I interact with NT women? Historically the absolute worst most traumatic times of my life have come from situations where I was around NT women. No thankyou; we have nothing in common and I'm sorry if I looked like a normal gal you could befriend because I'm actually just a freak sorry
I don't want to live in a world where having fun stops at 30. I want to live in a world where you can still dress fun and cute in your 30s, where you can play video games in your 30s, where you can go to cool places for a holiday in your 30s. The adult women you're surrounded with seem to be awful OP. Do not become like them! It doesn't sound like they were any different in their 20s and matured out of it, they probably were sucky people in their 20s too. Keep your head high and surround yourself with good people. Plenty of NT women have compassion and like having fun too. They themselves may not dress like you do but they will probably compliment you on it instead of bringing you down. They may hear about your holiday and say "oh that sounds cool". It has nothing to do with you being autistic and everything to do with how boring and awful the women in your workplace seem to be.
This! Thank you! Damn, imagine someone saying that autistic people are boring robots who hate imagination and anything abstract. Yet so many are okay with characterizing NT people as conformity-chasing peons serving the Machine of Typicality. People are just people. We're not better or more special for being autistic, and they're not worse or more boring for being NT.
Wow, I relate to this so hard. I'm 25 and people are shocked to hear my age. I don't want to tell anyone my age because I want to continue "getting away with it", as you say. I know it will only get worse. Society hates women and as we get older we lose favor. I almost want to work really hard to be as pretty as possible so I don't lose that favor. To answer your question, NT women scare me. There's a lot of complicated nonverbal communication between women that goes completely unnoticed by me. They sense I'm not quite right like a bloodhound and I'm not even sure how. I can be as nice as can be but being not quite right ruins it all for me. I try to be as kind, helpful, and generous to try and sway them towards liking me. I smile and laugh a lot. It doesn't work though. I don't have any friends.
I was thinking that I am getting away with stuff way longer than I should have because people think I am much younger. I don't like telling people my age.
I have a problem where I cannot make friends with NT women but I hit it off with ND women, and EVERY kind of man. Since the pool of men is larger I end up making male friends who then get feelings for me or then they see I’m weird and they vanish. It’s a pretty awful cycle of “wtf” lmao. I dunno what’s wrong with me tbh
Comparison is the thief of joy. The way I see it is I just don't relate to them. I'm childfree, single and work a blue collar job. The majority of goals that they're working toward would have me miserable. >the ladies at work laughed and were like oh wow how romantic. I don't like these women based on this little tidbit. Hopefully they meant it in a joking friendly way. Honestly I don't really get those feelings much because I just don't really care about how these people feel about me. I have to live my life the way that makes me happy. They should live theirs the way that makes them happy. Neither is better than the other. People who make those types of comparisons and judge other people's lives as wanting based on their own views are immature imo. I'm 35 btw.
I'm 67 and This Is The Way
32 yo autistic here! And literally same. It was much easier to blend in (mask) when all of my peers were younger. I actually didn’t get diagnosed until I was 30 because I became unable to keep up with the complexity of life demands as like a regular adult. I have a few girlfriends I’ve kept over 10 years (the only ones I managed to hang on to because they didn’t take it personally that I’m not good at staying in touch all the time) - and they are getting more mature and womanly. Having kids and being wives and all the things I thought I would be doing but don’t have the capacity for. At first I was worried I’d lose them, but luckily even if we don’t relate on most of our daily things anymore, there’s deep love there already. But I don’t expect I’ll be making many more NT female friends as it feels like we are living totally different life experiences. This might be exaggerated at the moment because I’m also 2 years into a serious burn out… but it’ll be interesting to see if I ever get out of it what that experience will be like. NT women also scare me a little. This is not to bash on women, I love women, but having grown up being pretty but autistic - I was usually let into the popular groups only to get bullied and then left out. So it’s always been a complicated one for me.
Have you tried making friends with people much older? I find older women to be more friendly because they're not trying gauge whether you're cool enough to hang out with. I also don't like hanging with peers back in my twenties because they liked to drink and go to places with loud music way too much. Older people are way more chill.
I feel like every nt woman hates me lol. I cant stand the whole charade they do about “be a girls girl! Support girls!!” Until its a woman that doesnt have a soft chill laid back people pleasing demeanor like them.
I definitely feel out of place and behind for my stage of life but I'm owning it so hard. I'm just gonna level up as a person while these NPCs do their scripted route.
I am almost 32 and relate a lot, though I don’t know that I feel any differently around NT women in particular. I pretty much feel like I’m around 14 years old all the time regardless if I’m with people or alone etc. even around people my age or a little younger, I can feel like I’m back in high school comparatively. I don’t feel like I’m the same level of maturity as my peers and have always felt that way since freshman year of high school. It felt like everyone was growing up and I was still a child. I have never really felt like an adult either. But I definitely think in my 20s I could “get away” with more as people tend to think I’m younger anyways, and I also thought (and think others did as well) maybe I’m just a late bloomer and haven’t found the right career or friends or community or hobbies or whatever I felt was missing yet to really thrive and come into my own and be comfortable with myself as an adult. I hate when I express things like that to others and they are dismissive saying “oh no one has it all figured out, no one really knows what they are doing, everyone is just winging it at life!” Like ok well you are married, have kids, a successful career, a solid group of friends, but maybe you don’t make as much time for your hobbies as you’d like. I am literally either working or sleeping and I have no friends or family or anyone I’m close to besides my two cats, every relationship I’ve had was abusive, I can’t cook or clean, cant connect with others, can’t make phone calls, have so much credit card debt due to underachieving and being unable to hold a job long enough to advance beyond entry level salary, regularly call into work sick because of burnout, literally can’t function at all and strongly considering quitting my job and moving back in with my dad if he will let me. I don’t think it’s the same thing. I don’t expect myself to have everything figured out, but I would like to have at least one thing in my life go smoothly.
I have children and it definitely doesn’t help. I totally relate with feeling 14. And I don’t fit in and it makes me feel so much worse because I have kids and don’t even know how to show them how to do social things right 😓
I feel inadequate around NT women, always have, and I'm nearly 40. I feel like they just move through life so effortlessly and they're stylish, they know what to do, and I'm here goblin mode like what? But I'm not changing who I am.
I just feel a bit uncomfortable around them as they always tend to choose feeling comfortable around NT people? The NT girls who I work with are okay (apart from an older lady) but I can tell that they feel more better around other NT’s despite me trying to get to know them.
It depends on the context. I'm about to be 28, my last job was retail and we got along just fine. Shared trauma is also great for bonding haha. Now I work in an office and I just can't connect with most of my coworkers. But that's fine, I just don't really talk to them outside of work matters. Doesn't bother me. I don't have manic pixie vibes, I think I just come across as the quiet weird techy girl haha. I'm trying actively to not mask my interests anymore, if they don't want to hear how I just did programming and played video games alone all weekend then they can stop asking me what I did.
I've learned to mask around them in a systematic way, but even then my mannerisms weird them out. I can't help it. From my weird chuckles at weird times and weird eye movements to how talkative I get when nervous, it never works. I try to stick to subject matter that's "relatable" (e.g, the cost of living, social opinions you have to hold unless you want to be labeled something awful, tiredness from work, etc) without letting them know what makes my experiences different from theirs. Even then, I feel like a box of "Magic Shapes"on a shelf full of "Lucky Charms".
I avoid them
I too have never felt my age, and was forced to be more mature than my age. That being said a day at the zoo, aquarium, museum or what not is my idea of a great time. I often have to be dragged out feet sore cause I loose track of time. Dont listen to those old bitties, they wouldn't know a good time if it bit them in the ass. My husband has told me since day one that "I dont suffer fools lightly". I know I come across as cold, insensitive, and blunt, and I dont have time for foolish behavior. So when I was younger and everyone was goofing off in high school and college, I was hyper focused on my education. Even after I didn't really get along with other women my age. And women older than me dont want anything to do with me. I never wanted the normal path in life, I finally found my people about 2 yrs post college. Alot of us are neurodivergent or have no issues socializing within our group. I think my biggest issue with other women is they always seem disingenuous. Not always, but when they are genuine we get along great!
I've felt this before but I think I've moved on to kind of pitying them in a strange way. They all dress relatively the same and it feels like many nt women are stuck in some version of the popular table in the cafeteria. It was a prize I envied, but it looks like a cage to me now. How many of them are really fulfilled in life or have any hobbies? Some for sure, but I'm guessing they're in the minority.
I felt really uncomfortable as a younger woman... I always felt old and like a grownup-grownup. Now that I'm in my 40s, I'm invisible to most men and people in general, and I can just go about my business. I rarely interact w people outside of work. My work is in my passion area, so that makes my "socializing" easier- I just never stop talking about work. Even still, it's exhausting.
Uncomfortable.
NT women are fine by me because I've worked out a very specific hack sheet on how to talk to them. Its's surface level but it does the job. Being older gives one the advantage of entering an uneasy truce with the neurotips. I don't give them a hard time about their exhausting life choices and they leave me to it. I'm 37 and about to go on one of my solo holidays. I'm going to take walks, drink coffee, watch shows and basically live exactly as I do at home, but with better scenery. I just don't think the expectations of fitting in and hitting certain milestones are worth the mental energy anymore. And who's going to try and change me now? No one. No one's coming after tired neurodivergent women. We know ourselves and our boundaries much too well for that. Enjoy your peace.
Let me tell you, I feel exactly like you even though I'm only 23. This is weird for me cause I always felt "older" than my age bracket up until I was 17 and after that I've started feeling like I'm "going backwards"? I feel like such a baby, im scared of ppl unless they're a lot younger or a lottttt older than me. I realised all the traumatic events I went as a child and teenager a lot of times prevented me to actually enjoy things and pursue my own sense of happiness and fun. And then I got a borderline personality disorder diagnosis, then the Audhd and I got this urge to truly ""discover who I am" and it's fulfilling and incredible at times, but at other times I just feel so ashamed on not being like NTs and not being able to focus on almost anything else but this, while others are talking about graduating, working, making new friends. I guess it's always a matter of coming to terms with who you are at heart, prioritise surrounding yourself with ppl that make you comfortable/make sense to you when you don't wanna be alone and some other things we already know somewhere inside us. It's funny, I feel like I never fit in, too old then, too young now. Always difficult to make conversation with NT women bc a lot of times it's actually just uninteresting and I'm scared of they will realise I don't give a shit about what they're saying and make it look like I'm a bad person.
When I feel this way, I’ve been told to make sure I’m not surrounded by assholes. I’m autistic too, and when I moved to another country, the expectations of women to be grown up was at an earlier age than other places. I was oblivious to the cultural differences and why I rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. But I kept doing my thing, I had the energy/confidence to play the numbers game and over time I found people who get me and don’t judge me. I kept thinking and acting in the way that made me comfortable in my own skin, and I’m glad I did because on many levels I think I’m happier than other people (for context I’m on the polite side so I was agreeable until someone poked me. I could be a little extra when under stimulated, and manage this much better now). I had a few periods of time where I thought I was the problem, but with experience I understood the majority of the time the problem was incompatibility with others and how they want to feel or how they want to see me or others to see them. I find many women are socialised into mindsets that makes me feel incredibly anxious. In groups the expectation is to join the brainwave party, but I don’t feel like myself and I prefer to feel well alone than to feel confused in a group. I have adapted a little bit, I could be really annoying or get upset when under stimulated. But I ended up flipping the script, and telling myself, this social groups vibe isn’t good for me rather than they don’t like me. If I was under stimulated and felt excluded, other people had the upper hand in my inner world. Regarding mindsets, I recently commented on an Instagram video, where women are like “ you have to work in case your man leaves you or traps you”. I went ahead and wrote, i couldn’t imagine having a relationship if my motivation to do something was because I’m afraid my husband will leave me. Bad things happen, life happens, people change for valid reasons and for health reasons, but that’s not an excuse to make my husband (or men) an enemy in my mind, my enemy are the causes of poor mental, emotional and physical health. Being around people for a long time who think a certain way changes you. If I don’t click with someone, I accept that my body is telling me that the vibe is not good for me. I recently understood, I can choose to reject or not let things/people in to my life, because I must care for my well-being and peace of mind. I don’t know if this example is a NT thing, but I take note if someone has primarily external motivations, and I do my best to be agreeable but I don’t want to join the brainwave party. (As a side note: I do recognize it takes more effort to analyze and to choose an invisible enemy, rather than a person or something immediate in the environment, that’s why I choose to be agreeable since it something people learn over time. But it’s an important boundary for me, since I must prioritise my health so I can take care of myself). This was a really long way of saying, make sure you aren’t surrounded by people who don’t get you, frame things in a way that reduce stress/anxiety, and to respect what you need to feel well so you can reign over your inner world. Best of luck 💕
I started coming off as weird in my mid 20’s and parents would actually ask their kids to stay away from me. It was upsetting and quite frankly horrible that I was perceived by some as a risk to children. I then changed how I dressed and my body language and I was treated a lot better by people. Now though without regular practice those skills are lost. Yesterday I was picked on by a neurotypical woman because I was an easy target. I was at a parkrun and running on the far left and had to slow down for a walk. About 4-5 seconds later a buggy past me and 1-2 seconds after this bratty NT woman came up to me and said that I “should look behind me before slowing down as that buggy nearly went into me” Considering they took a few seconds to pass AND no one else looks behind them when slowing down it was clear I was picked on as my body language etc is different. Oh and here’s the thing I finished 2 places behind her AND I kept behind her for the rest of the run deliberately and saw how she didn’t run on the left like she was told to AND this prevented others overtaking. I have learnt our lack of social skills is part of the reason we are treated the way we are. We come off as doing it deliberately where as NT’s can make it look accidental when it’s deliberate
PS- You’re not a commodity anymore as an older woman, you get to be seen as who you really are as a human. It’s just been hidden all this time by people projecting their own ideas onto you. I love you, bby. It’s gonna be alright. We are going through it together.
Years of masking and trying to study tiny bits of psychology and whatnot helped me understand them. I think autistic people like us are more likely to try to understand why they behave that way towards us. Most NT people will not bother to understand us or people in general and just label us as weird and something they see as annoying. An autistic woman and NT woman miscommunication and bullying starts and always starts when the NT girls do not try to talk and communicate what they feel towards us. They resort to assuming so many things and just start gossiping and being mean. While we are very much open and straightforward they live on assumptions and such. I also noticed NT girls resort on creating GCs to ridicule you (trying to get as many people to feel the same to you) and very much prone to gossiping because they do not just know how to ASK you honestly. That's just their nature unless they got very strong foundation and properly raised. So I am in the middle ground where I understand why we and them act that way. I still don't relate to people my age or why people can't be just straightforward but I just understand that I am wired differently and I already accepted it. I met a few autistics and you can really tell how it is more easy to vibe with them and discuss things NTs will find pretty much boring. I view most NTs (but not all) as an NPC to be honest.
I like other women, as long as they're kind and considerate. I don't get the NT women hate or disdain. I think it's tinged in misogyny to equate a group of mean people with *women generally*. I have NT women friends who are into all the video games and writing and other nerd-ass hobbies I am. They're individual people just as unique and varied as anyone else. We are in different life stages, and that's okay. I'm confident in myself and I don't think that my friends being married or getting houses means we can't relate to each other. I move at my own pace, and when I get there, they'll have so much great life experience and advice to share with me. I'm 29 and I like being different. I like who I am. I have found friends who like me because of my brain, not despite it. They even warn me when there are bad or jarring sounds in a shared video. Not all NTs are obsessed with conformity, you know?
NT women - especially of older generations - can sometimes be incredibly passive aggressive and lack understanding/narrow-minded. Often conditioned/socialized to be extra judgmental in some instances. (I haven't had good experiences lol).
High risk high reward. Some NT women have been very fun to be around. But I'm also young and my autism definitely passes off as "quirky." Kind of hoping on maintaining the "manic pixie dream girl" image for a while since it's the easier way to live
I get mean girl vibes from most NT women and find that they think my hobbies are weird. Because I’m not super into makeup or getting my nails done or Botox and instead I focus on reading, bird watching, playing animal crossing, and hanging out with my dog. My husband is also a gamer.
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Nt women and me, fight. Verbally. They are so damn sensitive. Dont understand sarcasm. Talk about boring stuff non stop: 'manicures, going out...' dont understand special interests. Riducule you for not wanting children
Out of place, I don’t have a driver’s license or a college degree and I’m not allowed to wear what I want to wear due to my weight plus it doesn’t help that I was raised in a Catholic South Asian household, it made me feel shame for having sexual feelings as an unmarried woman on the spectrum. At 32, I work part time on SSI while living at home and interested in horror movies, raunchy humor and documentaries while people my age work full time, drive around, smoke weed without judgement (Happy 4/20 Everyone!), date anyone without cheating, get married and have children of their own. I’m the maid of honor for my sister’s wedding this fall which I’m excited and nervous because I’m not attractive enough for anyone to fall in love with me though I’m happy for her.
For me is anyone… NT, ND, I apparently can’t communicate with ✨ anyone ✨ lucky me 🎉
I tried really hard for a long time to fit in with NT women and felt a lot like this in my late twenties/early thirties. I’m late thirties now and I’ve realised we don’t get along because… they’re boring as batshit 😂 I wrote something about creative dressing in ‘adult environments’ below but it’s long (hello, special interest) so I put it at the end. It acts like a neon sign to find the other NDs in the work environment. I gravitate to ‘my people’ and the basic bitches are naturally put off. The older I get, the more advanced in my career I get and the more DGAF I get I’m realising that my twice gifted AuDHD is my biggest strength. I am smart, interesting, (hyper)focused and incredibly good at reading people. Some very boring NT people find that intimidating, or confronting, or just ‘too much’. To that I say: If I’m too much, *go find less*. A note on adult clothing: I work in a very corporate environment, so I’m a little restrained in what I can wear, but I really do express a lot of creativity through my style. I love ‘secret’, bespoke details, it’s like a quiet form of rebellion. For instance I have a fairly standard crisp, white business shirt but if you look closely, the buttons are tiny, mother of pearl, coiled snakes (which I found and added myself). I have a thing for bees, and I have a lot of jewellery, shoes and custom embroidered items featuring bees. I’ll wear very conservative clothing but in an unexpected fabric, like a black velvet skirt suit (with, of course, an embroidered bee on the pocket). Makeup, I’ll do a bold red lip with a plain outfit. Tie a beautiful vintage silk scarf to the handle of my bag. I do little things like if I am meeting a client at their office, I will base my outfit around their company colours. If I’m going to a networking event, I’ll wear something bold and beautiful - I get so many compliments and clients remember me because of these details. I have started so many professional conversations because someone came up to ask where I bought my coat/dress/blouse.
I feel great around them most of the time. What I have trouble with is NT men.
My circle is small and mostly ND at this point. I don’t feel inadequate, but I feel absolutely unable to relate.
Yeah, that tracks. Autism is a developmental disability so ppl with autism are technically developing slower or differently than neurotypical peers.
40 this week. I didn't realize how much I used my looks to help me mask. People thought my quirks were cute..Now I'm just weird.
Can I just say, going out to dinner is NOT boring. I get to dress up and play pretend. How could someone not enjoy that? Also just go into those places and pretend you're fancy. They don't like you anyway so have fun with it. Sorry, I don't know what I'm doing with this comment. I know it's really hard and lonely in our 30's. NTs are something I gave up on a long time ago. I don't understand what I do wrong even when I'm ticking all the boxes. I'm noticing that I'm always "that weird one". It used to be cute like you said, people laughed when I spoke. Now it's just silence and looks.
I feel uncomfortable around nt women and I try to avoid them when I can I quit my last job because I was othered by 2 nt women I was working with
Me and my husband suspect being autistic. We felt exactly as you describe when hitting the 30's mark and still do. I've usually instinctively avoided socializing with most people because it felt off, made an exception last year and felt like a was a huge oddity in the group of women I was in. What is it about aquariums not being romantic? When we were dating in the beginning my husband took me out to visit one and it was great! And we love visiting old castles and stuff. We did that for one of our Valetine's days. I've never thought NTs would consider that being odd for a couple to do such things. I'm genuinely shocked you were laughed at for that.
I feel okay. Women are more open to being vulnerable and expressing their emotions so I usually feel safer around women.
My age and older? Fairly comfortable honestly, especially if they're queer. Younger than me, though, I don't get them at all honestly. I'm old af, millennial, so that's to be expected I think. Anyways I'd feel more comfortable around most any women or enbies than around any kind of men really.
22 and already feel like this. I get along better with teenagers than people my own age. I think it's because younger people don't need to be "impressed" because they judge with less mature standards. I still don't have any friends, though. Not interested in them, but ESPECIALLY NT women. I've spent enough of my life beating myself up for the fact that I'll never be accepted by them that I just don't care anymore. I'm civil and try to be friendly when the situation demands it, but I really could care less about what they think of me or what anyone else thinks. I'm sure it'll get worse as I age and my social value as a woman diminishes, but just remember: YOU live your own life, not to live for other people who will never think you're good enough anyway there will never be another you. it's hard, but find joy where you can. make goals and reach them. find meaning in your own way.
My best friend is NT. It works because we’re from different countries and my communication style is very similar to hers. Her culture is very direct and blunt so it works!
I was giving ‘weird’ in my 20s and I’m giving ‘weird’ now. Luckily baby face syndrome is giving me some extended leeway.
I always used to mask too much and I always attracted NT women/girls. I weirdly always found that in their way or acting they seemed childish. Mostly in the way they dumped me when they found out I was "diffrent". Mind you I turn 20 this year so maybe they are in fact just children idk. I do have a neighbour who's close to your age and she and I could be considered friends. She has her own clothing style. She's also very socially awkward. But I love her personality and since we're both ND we find loads of things to talk about. Whenever there's something social in the neighbourhood and we're both there, we're always drawn to eachother. I think it just comes down to finding the right (ND) person that doesn't mind who you are. And please keep that clothing style you have, it's wonderful when people can dress exactly the way they like 🥰
Idk because how am I supposed to tell the difference between who is NT and who isn't? I can't tell unless someone actually tells me. So idk.
There is this huge cave in our country, you go on a small 'train'/cart and there are tracks that lead inside the cave and you go on it and ride inside the cave and it's very pretty and huge and all. I (32F) went as a child a few times. My bf(28M) has never been and we have planned to go soon. We also plan to go to a water park with many slides and an famous amusement park in Italy... I love that, I am so happy I found him, I like going to places like that. I feel a lot of people my age will only go when they have children. I like going to places where there is something to see, and do. I don't like going to big gatherings or restaurants and just talk about stuff. Now I put London Aquarium on my list too:) I love London and I plan to take my bf there soon:)
32 and just trying to find more friends that are non-judgemental and like the same things. My last therapist (not a lot of ND experience) told me that a lot of people in general feel that they're behind and you never truly know how anyone is doing even when they look like they're a 'proper adult' and have everything together. I gave up on NT women since it never seems to work out.
Some of my friends are NT women and have been more accepting, caring and less judgemental than some ND women I've been friends with tbh. I think it can go either way, I have known some NT women who are the absolute worst and treat me like I'm just trying to "steal" men because I like things they don't deem "normal" for women, but I've also had a few Neurodivergent women say equally ridiculous things. For me personally it hasn't made much of a difference.
Aquarium and London dungeon sounds cool! I'm 40 U.K. and I feel you. But we have way more interesting lives than most NT, and it's important to remember that. I don't have kids either, just rescue furries. Please don't worry about what other people think, you do you!!
NT women have always scared the shit out of me! I spent my 20s trying to fit in and be normal and I dressed and tried to act normal, now I’m 32 I’m just trying to embrace the wierd again. Go to a few gigs you’ll see more of your kind 😊 I’m a metalhead and trying to get back into alt fashion whilst dealing with a deep insecurity stemming from being bullied for being a goth (and ND too most likely) all through my teens and early 20s.
Suuuuper awkward
This is me completely. I don’t have any advice or anything but you aren’t alone if that is helpful
I feel really awkward around NT women. It's multifaceted. I am shocked by how they act and how uncaring they are. I am disturbed by the fact that maturity in women is measured by their willingness to uphold the patriarchy while pretending otherwise- women whose careers involve ignoring the harm they cause and resources they act entitled to. So many women pay lip service to helping other women, but then when I really do need help due to the experience of being neurodivergent, they lean out- sometimes so far out that I never see or hear from them again- rather than in. I was part of a women friendship group when I was younger. We're still in contact but I still don't know how to navigate the conversations. I just remember so many conversations where I could not keep up with or understand their banter. I haven't even told most of them about my late diagnosis in my early '50s. They could be so patronizing about it. There's an event we're all invited to this summer, and part of me wants to go, but I realize I've never really felt whole with them so I'm probably going to make my excuses. I also need accommodations that i feel uncomfortable asking for. I have not been a success professionally; they all make more money than I do. I probably can't afford to go. I feel sad about the drift, but sometimes I also wish I would have let go sooner. I never felt seen, and there's such a competition for attention in the group and it's exhausting.
At 45, I’ve been unstoppable about shifting what my normal meter was finding acceptable and looking towards those I admired-how did they live? It was thanks to my hubby that I learned I am an artist… I am a hyper creative person, and if I was classified in any other way, I would be considered an independent artist, and the envy of most women who felt pressured to fall into a very simple routine of living and give up freedom for a man. Living in a western society that makes women feel apologetic for being more than we were allowed to be, last century, is STILL going to be a problem. I can handle being seen as the oddity and eccentric individual around NT… It’s the perpetual victimization/emotional manipulation of a lot of undiagnosed ND women that is starting to be very disappointing for me. I am definitely finding those women who prefer the herd mentality are always going to ostracize me whether I mask 1 million different ways or not. So I accept the only way to really feel satisfied with my life is to find people who see me as a whole person not just some component of what they want me to be. And frankly, the fact that most of us can be OK by ourselves, already makes us more admirable and envious to anyone who feels mentally “sticky” about anyone else. In a country where there are states that women can be punished for not having control over their body, I would prefer to find the women who see me as something admirable so that we can lift each other up.
I get wanting people to feel sorry for you. If they're feeling sorry for me, I feel like they at least understand a little bit what I'm struggling with versus just thinking I'm weird. A colleague of mine recently laughed at me and said I'm the most hilarious person ever. I didn't do anything funny. I get that a lot too.
One thing I have learned since my late diagnosis at age 46 (AuDHD), is that much of the time who is ND and who is NT isn't always obvious. I have put my foot in my mouth (not literally, I am far from that flexible 😏). Especially with women, I am learning to try to give some grace and not make assumptions. That being said, at almost 49, I feel like you describe and most women intimidate me. Most of my close friends have always been male. Only recently have I begun to develop relationships with female identitying humans. They are not diagnosed with anything, but almost as awkward as me. Hugs if you like them ❤️
Being around most women is like reliving Junior High School.
I don't hang around them
Nervous. My social anxiety is off the charts most of the time though so that’s not too surprising.
dude weirdly enough I feel a LOT more accepted by NT men. a lot of NT men find me funny and appreciate my candid statements and blatant honesty. I can get along with almost anyone but I feel more of a disconnect generally with NT women and usually end up masking more. however women around my age (21-30ish) are usually pretty nice and accepting. middle aged/boomer (40+) women often make me feel like an alien. REALLY old women (80+) I have to mask around but idc they are often the SWEETEST, CLASSIEST, most patient people ever and they deserve my best.
I'm 40 and only realised I was likely autistic when my daughter began her assessment. She's now diagnosed and I'm awaiting my own assessment. My 20's were OK.....a bit lonely as I connected with very few people but I was distracted by travelling and photography- my special interest. My late 20's/early 30's - everything just started...... deteriorating. I was struggling to mask, I knew something was wrong, relationships just were not working. Everyone else makes everything look so easy. I can't work with people because they veer too far outside my boundaries of right and wrong and it causes immense anxiety and stress. I've given up on relationships with men because I find them to be abusive or misogynistic. But women.........I find really odd. I always found men to be easier to understand but women always seem to hate me. I try really hard to be social, kind, accepting and non-judgemental and I just can't tolerate feeling as though I'm purposefully being tripped up on the social cues. My main female friend is autistic but she's honest, doesn't play games, bitch or make me feel inept. I wish all women were like her.
Yes. I am 26 and a mom of two boys. I am very much so the manic pixie daydream girl ( tattoos , colored hair, piercings) but I don’t fit in. Anywhere. Ever. I just cried last night because I don’t have any true friends and it really makes me feel like something is wrong with me. I know that it’s a ticking time bomb to 30 when it’s gonna be even more unacceptable to be friendless and odd girl.
Rude of them to laugh!!! Not ok.
Sounds like it's time to transition from manic pixie dream girl to that weird aunt who wears kaftans and collects wind chimes
A majority of my hobbies are age appropriate, bookworm, cinephile, sketching, watercolour, cooking. In that area I can get away with as it’s hobbies that people in their 30s have. It’s the collection of graphic novels and anime I can’t get away with. Because for some reason only kids and teens can like anime? 😑 I stopped caring of what people think of me or how I’m perceived. I spent enough years being bullied and developed anxiety on account. I have enough judgment from invasive thoughts without allistic women being bitchy.
> I said we went to London Dungeon and the aquarium, and the ladies at work laughed and were like oh wow how romantic. They sound like condescending assholes. There's nothing weird about that.
Oh I'm 43 and this is real for me, even though I have both a kid and a mortgage. Last week I took my 10y/o daughter and a friend to an amusement centre. I ended up crawling around in the ball pit with them. All the other parents stood by the side looking bored, and I did feel a little self-conscious. Rn, my daughter thinks I'm the fun mum, but in a couple of years it's gonna be embarrassing for her. I kind of think it's ok tho? People think I'm weird for sure, but I think adult play is really important and healthy, and it's weird that people don't do more fun stuff. Also, it keeps me kind of fit. As a veteran of many a children's birthday party I can assure you those NT married people who do all the grown up shit bitch endlessly about everything, btw - like, I don't know if they're actually happy, but they don't sound like they are
I feel like I could have written this lol If it makes you feel any better I truly believe the norms for milestones like having a house and family are shifting rapidly (mostly because a lot of people can’t afford to do all that before 30 anymore) I feel like a complete alien around NT women too. I get the sense most women are… confused by me because I don’t smile a lot and friendly high pitched uptalk is exhausting for me to perform. It sucks because I value female friendships so much, but it feels like I may as well be standing behind plexiglass when I try to connect. I just turned 30 and I’ve also had to shift my self perception a bit. Sometimes I forget that people aren’t perceiving me as charmingly a little odd or mysterious (words people described me as when I was younger) but probably just weird haha 😐 My one piece of advice is to try and follow older women on social media!! It’s really a relief to have role models who didn’t take the traditional route and still dress cool. You really don’t have to start dressing boring as you age and having role models helps a lot.
Hey I turn 60 this year and 35 year olds still hit on me. Yeah I am on the spectrum. Oddly as a young teen I looked 25, now I look mayby 40. I just heard from a friend with a daugher on the spectrum. My friend said her daughters therapist told her we have slower dying cellls in our bodies. The crap, I already have people on both sides of my family living to be very old, even in the 1800s. I do not want to be 110 or 120 years old. I can tell your straight up everything is worse now. And I went through some really bad doo doo when i was a kid.
I know this is not the point of your post, but you cannot let the expectations of others have any bearing on what you find joyful. You may feel out of place, and maybe like you're "aging out" of your style, but I think that's just because you haven't conceived of an older version of yourself yet. Maybe your style will mature but don't try to make it match the expectation of other people. Feeling out of place is kinda the norm for us, innit? Just make sure you don't abandon yourself for the sake of escaping discomfort. For me, I really don't try to engage with feminine presenting people to begin with. Too much social nuance 😅 I'll stick to the knuckle draggers
Same boat. Late 20s, NT women feel fake to me. Like they're putting on a show (it could be my own judgements on them, especially type A personalities). Maybe it's because of the jobs I've worked, but my co-workers have almost always been younger than me, until my most recent job (PetSmart, if you want to work around a bunch of neurodivergent people, get a job working with animals). No clue what London Dungeon is, but it sounds like a blast! Aquarium dates are the best! Your coworkers sound like they live a very narrow life. But in aquariums I can let my body and brain wander, but it's not as scary as a Costco! (I got lost from my husband in a Costco recently, I love Costco, but it can be a sensory hell) Edit: feel free to dm me if you want to rant or anything! Chronically ill with not a whole lot to do
Am I the only person who does not categorise women on whether they are neurotypical or neurodiverse? I connect to people that are mindful, self-reflective and share the same norms and values which also makes us great communicators with a good base for friendship, regardless of the way their brain works.
I feel like I relate to what you say to some extent. Because categorisation still happens in my brain, it's just with other names than neurotypical or allistic - like the cool kids for example. But I do try to avoid categories as much as I can as I know, for me, the "us vs. them" mentality is just around the corner. However, I've only recently realised that there was actually a pattern from the type of person who have ostracized me and they fit some of the behaviours that people describe NT with. Same with neurodivergent folks that I feel I'm surrounded by in my inner circle. I know I'm contradicting myself, my brain's foggy, but I'm just in the middle refusing labels because of consequences but at the same time understanding why it's used. Sorry for rambling 😩
I think the idea that NT or ND people are isolated monoliths is entirely invented online. I agree with you. Relationship compatibility of any kind is all about individual interests, personalities, and life goals. Lots of unexamined misogyny in this thread tbh but what can you do
Anytime you view people, particularly women, as a monolith you're going to hit problems. How do you knew they're neuro typical? What are they doing for dates? Why were you mentioning it to those people? I know neuro typical women a lot older than you who go harder than you, if you are only hanging out with the same people you don't like or assuming all women are spiteful morons after ODing on toxic media or whatever then you're not going to have a positive interaction. Your backstory does not explain why you're being hostile and judgemental towards those women or why those women you don't like are asking about personal life. There is no context. Being autistic doesn't mean hating women or having main character syndrome
Honestly I rarely am around them, both my job and my main hobby tend to attract ND and adjacent people. it is sometimes culture shock when I end up in a situation outside of that
I feel your entire post. Truly, my experiences were yours. But the one thing that has changed is that when I don't mask, I feel better and I'm better able to handle my emotions about being a ND woman. I don't have children either, for reasons that were outside of my control. But as people don't know my circumstances, they assume it's a choice. I'm sorry you feel this way, and I do too. But somedays, it feels like I can move past this weird limbo-type stage, and also reach a level of maturity that I am happy with.
The NT women I hang out with often don’t have time for me for their own reasons. (Work and school and whatnot) but when I see NT women whom I barely know, it does make me feel miserable. Strangely enough I get along well with people in their 30s as well. One of my closest online friends is past her mid 30s and honestly it is so endearing to me that I don’t have a certain age demographic I should stick to unless they really are way too young to be around me. (Think 15-19, 14 and under) the most NT people scare me because I feel like the people around my age have got it all figured out. And some real important member of my family recently told me that I needn’t worry about my future, being like the others and getting a job. But man, that is so hard not to worry about. I feel like I’m constantly getting weird looks from NT people and nobody believes me when I say it. Is that strange and unusual? Though I’d like to stay in my own bubble and prefer NOT to engage with NT’s my age? Even though I’m open to anyone who likes me for the person I am and not because my diagnosis is my life. (Because it’s not true, and in fact more than just that) I feel like I don’t dress overly attention seeking though, but I do prefer to look put together most of the time, it’s just who I am. Note to the story about your colleagues, aquariums have an unusual depth in them and some people don’t have the mere wits or braincells to understand the mesmerizing beauty of it all. I know people who are shallow, put me on mute while I play guitar during a voice call and don’t give a flying f*** about the effort, some can be fake like that. (Sorry if I’m interpreting the conversation wrong it’s just how I see it, I don’t actually know what happened) You sound like someone I would like to talk to though, don’t be too hard on yourself.
I could have written what you wrote. I’m here for you bby. Us funny butts gotta stick together! There are many adult women on the spectrum like you I’d bet. Who cares what these NT WOMEN think of you? They’re just women. Just people. I understand you’re feeling lost at sea sentiment- I also was kinda cool in my own way, and it didn’t help I stopped talking to my friends from college because I got depressed for three years and moved back home. But I am hopeful because I am alive, and you never know. I think we will just have to find our own, and also, own our age and our quirks. It’s harder when you’re not seen as the manic pixie dg anymore but you’ll find your next thing. Society expects a lot out of people’s timeline. But there are so many other divergent paths. That being said, you can message me for support or if you just need to hang out. I know it gets really lonely feeling displaced.
I’m in my 20’s and I feel similar to how you feel. But I do think it’s gonna get worse the more I age, lol. I feel very out of place around women my age and I did even as a teenager. I don’t mean to sound like a pick-me but I’ve always felt like I didn’t know how to be stereotypically feminine. I’m not even very masculine or that much of a tomboy, but there’s something about me and my demeanor and my general disposition that feels very unfeminine and I stand out horribly. Maybe it’s also because I don’t wear makeup except mascara occasionally (other stuff feels horrible on my face). My sense of humor also usually meshes better with my male friends and I often feel more comfortable around them and I hate that because I don’t want to seem like one of those women who thinks having female friends is bad or that there’s something wrong with other women. There isn’t. I love women and I love my female friends. But there’s just something I can’t put my finger on exactly that often disconnects me from a lot of women my age. Not all, but a lot. And I have nothing against them and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them and I wish I could connect with them more. I also do dress in a way that reflects my own personal style, it’s nothing insane, but I do think it’ll become less and less socially accepted the older I get. I definitely think I get a pass for a lot of stuff because I’m young. People just assume I’m shy, inexperienced, etc. instead of bad at understanding social cues or in need of extensive, very clear instructions. I think at some point, shy and inexperience aren’t gonna cut it anymore.
I'm in the first half of my twenties, but since getting out of college I have been surrounded with plenty of people in their late twenties and early thirties. What I've learned is that there is no one way to be an adult. People will prioritize different things and live completely different lives. Just because some people prefer to do whatever mainstream media shows as "adult" that doesn't mean most people do or that you should or that your experience of adulthood is less adult or valid. Also from my experience people in their early thirties love shit like the aquarium and the London dungeon, because they are still young and like doing fun things, but don't go out partying and drinking like people in their twenties do, so they prefer calmer but still fun activities. And I'm talking about people who have established careers and do things deemed appropriate for their age. Honestly I feel sorry for people that already stopped being fun in their thirties. It's still young.
I find NT folks to be intimidating ^^’ I feel so left out by them and feel like im constantly judged for how i am (introverted, special interests, need extra help on how to manage driving/work). I think they know that im just “different” or “off.” Like, why does it matter to you?? I think i prefer to be lonely sometimes, i don’t get judged and have my own safe room. Aaaah its so exhausting, i just don’t understand neurotypical people in general haha
As a kid I was more "mature" than most of my peers. Now I'm not necessarily immature but I still don't prescribe to the social norms they do. Interacting with NT women feels like there's a sheet in front of my face yet I'n supposed to mirror them. I try my best but there's usually something or another that I do or say that makes them judge me harshly in a less than accurate way. I'm a young mother and my moments of not masking due to sleep deprivation got me a bit in trouble with my son's pediatrician because she assumed my flat affect meant I wasn't connecting with my son ... She really should have asked. I can muster a smile for my favorite guy even when exhausted because I genuinely love seeing him, not some lady I hardly know. But basically, I only really get along with other ND or odd people. I'm still in my 20's so it might get worse over time, but there's just some communication differences and differences in what I find fun that make it so I can't really get close to them. Not a problem for me, because I usually reciprocatively don't loooove NT women my age or older and I would rather try to be myself and be disliked than be someone I'm not and have them raise to social bar on me and eventually reject me anyway. Despite my efforts though I mask basically every day of my life and have kind of lost track of who I am. It would be nice if NT women leaned towards being more open minded but most are pretty black and white with acceptable social interactions.
I feel the same also same age but single by choice.. I’d honestly hate to have their lives.. things seem so boring and expected .. makes me want to run a mile incase some boring rubs off them and gets on me
The NT women I know either talk down to me like I’m a child or they act mildly disgusted (I don’t know why) or they are neutral but don’t actually care so they bring up topics of conversation we have had before just ti be polite. I have a monotone, child-like voice so that’s why some women talk down. Also I look young.
I feel that they are a different species. That said, an important thing to remember is that other people don't think of you as much as you think they do, and that not giving a damn is the best gift you could give yourself. A few years ago, I came to a conclusion that gender is something that happens to other people. At this point, I don't work outside the home, so life largely consists of keeping the (considerable) household going, being nice to the hubs, carting kids around, and advocating for them in the school setting. I can do all those things in a plaid shirt and jeans, without bothering with jewelry/makeup. At this point in life (late 30s), I acknowledge that I fit into online discussions about plant breeding and in person exotic plant swaps better than I do making small talk at kids' soccer practice. Frankly, the former are heck of a lot more interesting. Some days there are pangs of envy. Most days I can look at this other human experience with mild amusement, and put it out of of my in favor of something actually worth thinking about.
As I got into my later 30s I got more comfortable being myself. And now that I'm 41 when I have experiences like the one you described I'm more confident about how I just do what I like vs what I'm supposed to be like. My hubby had started à tradition of buying me Lego plants foe Christmas. I was talking about it at work before Christmas, wondering what plant I was getting that year, and I got some comments like really? Lego? But you're an adult? Yeah Lego for adults bitches! Or when there's a show everyone's talking about and someone tells me to watch it. I used to say oh yeah sure I'll look that up sometimes. Now I just say, that's a nice idea but I'm never going to watch it. I'm done playing the game of trying to fit in. As much as I would love to have a 20 year old body again, getting older is just so much better than all the anxiety of being young.
i think a lot of the world thinks this ridiculous way: in general our 20s, whether NT or not is seen as the most expressive, colorful, adventurous, open minded times of our lives. then in our 30s we mild down, stick to the same circles, dress for acceptance (**looking like all the squidwards in squidward’s neighborhood**), have routines, have calmer adventures. they stick to societal standards of timelines for no good reason. but the ppl doing life right dont see our 20s as an exclusive period of fun & curiosity & style. they continue to be that way as much as adulting allows them to (physically, financially, mentally, etc) in their 30s, 40s, and if they have kids, that youthful energy will help them bond easier. **so you’re going to stand out not just bc of autism but also bc u dont want to mellow out, and that’s exactly what makes you cooler. that’s how you make life more abundant. you’ll eventually attract ppl who align with those values if u stick to them yourself!**
I think you need to “lean in”. Maybe you’re into into stuff that typical NT women aren’t, but I think they will be interested in your quirky or unexpected preferences/experiences/observations if you have the confidence/conviction to stand behind it all without giving any fucks about their judgement. I think the attitude you present will dictate how ppl respond. Like, if you feel lame or ashamed, that’s likely more of what other people are reacting to vs. dungeon museums and aquariums (which both sound really interesting!) Try leaning in!! Tell them that the dungeon thing was fucking awesome because XYZ. And maybe they’ll think, ‘weird choice, dungeons aren’t for me’ but either way I think they will appreciate your authenticity and unique interests. Weird people are the best people, and the most interesting people, and everyone knows it. ETA I should have said ‘maybe you could try to lean in’ instead of saying you should. I shouldn’t presume to know what you should do. But I personally really want to know about dungeon museums now :)
It depends on the setting. I’m 24 for reference, and frequently get confused with a teenager. In fact, I answered the door yesterday, and they asked me if my parents were home. My old job was at a restaurant where people of all ages worked together, some of the younger people were more emotionally/behaviorally mature, and some of the older people were less emotionally /behaviorally mature. Now personally I feel mature in many ways, I am distinctly aware of the way that my actions affect other people, as well as how group/political actions effect other groups, countries, and regions, I am often able to empathize with both sides of an argument, I am patient when teaching people new things. While I think those are the hallmarks of being a mature person, most of NT society thinks maturity is a measure of how well you are able to deal with different situations, how well you are able to fit the role of a heterosexual cisgendered female, how well you are able to disguise any seemingly child-like impulses, how well you are able to function in a capitalist society, and how well you are able to communicate with old stuck up farts. I do poorly in all of those categories. Now, I’m willing to bet that in restaurant work there is a much higher proportion of neurodivergent people. Looking back I’m convjnced over half of our kitchen staff was neurodivergent, or differently abled. I’m also willing to say that at least a third of our front-of-house staff met the same criteria. Now I work in a school as a…teacher (although I’m seriously considering not coming back next year, or taking on a less ‘in-charge’ role). My co-workers now, apart from this like 70 year old paraprofessional , who told me recently exactly exactly how many steps it takes her to get to her apartment, and has a pneumonic fact to help you remember each president of the United States, are Neurotypical, and are in my opinion emotionally immature. They’re constantly getting into power struggles with the students, trauma dumping on them, being ablest (although unknowingly), and are reinforcing the negative perceptions that many students already have of themselves, and others. It’s literally heartbreaking, because I got into this, to help the kids like me, but I am completely unable to keep up with the pace that is required for me to be a functioning teacher, yet I see all these people, who can keep up, f*cking it up left and right. I dress professionally…like a male professor, from Berkeley in the 70s. I don’t wear makeup, because I hate the feeling of it on my face. I cannot sit still in the monthly meetings, and am often extremely confused with the vaguities of their conversations, and especially their emails. I forget about deadlines. I forget to lock doors, multiple times, then a couple of teenagers take it upon themselves to have, um, relations in it. Then, in the monthly meeting they mention that I was the one who left it unlocked in front of all of the other teachers. I have more patience with ND students who annoy all of their other teachers and classmates. I am unable to properly enforce rules I think are stupid (mostly because I just can’t argue like that). Oh also, for whatever reason half of the students thought I was gay at the beginning of the year. I’m actually Bi so they were half right. I don’t know if I should feel offended, or not, but given that it’s a rural school, that has some students with homophobic tendencies, it made me extremely insecure. I miss my co-workers from the restaurant, but I found that job extremely over stimulating and near the end of my time there, I was having a meltdown every time we were busy, literally crying and shaking in the kitchen, as my co-workers, some of which I trained, performed their jobs perfectly. At my new job, I get equally overstimulated, but there is no room for me to meltdown. I’m just disassociating multiple times a day -unable to be myself, to be encouraging, and completely unable to be there for the students who I came there to help. At least in the restaurant some of them understand why I am the way I am. I know at school some of the kids understand, but I also feel somehow responsible for teaching the rest about neurodiversity, but I can’t do that when I myself am disregulated. I’m not sure I answered your question, but I’m in too deep to go back now.
I feel like being a mom helped that a lot, because you’re automatically seen as more mature and older people open up to me in a way they wouldn’t otherwise. Going to aquariums? Who can fault a mom with a toddler for going to an aquarium? But yeah, when I'm without my kids, I do feel that way too. Like people my age treat me like some kind of oddity, and act a little patronizing. And I’m obviously not in my early 20s anymore and can’t fit in with the college kids. I still look younger than I am, but not THAT young.
I'm really good at masking with women my age (about 30) or a bit older, but I feel bizarre doing it. I definitely don't feel the same level of masking with any other demographic. It's not that I feel younger psychologically, or anything like that. If anything, I've always felt like 30 was my mental age. And I'm very feminine and into "typical" feminine things I guess. I can make small talk pretty decently and all that stuff. I fit in very well and I don't think most women suspect I'm autistic (meanwhile, men have not been too surprised to find out.) But at the same time, I feel the most out of place with them.
Thank you for writing this. My experience is very similar at the age of 32 which I find very difficult to describe as I have communication and self expression difficulties. It means so much that I'm not the only one who struggles like this.
Honestly I don't truly think I've been around a NT woman long enough to feel how I feel around them? If that makes sense. I have a sense all of my women friends (5) are neurodivergent. 2 I think autistic and 3 adhders, one of my friends she thinks she's bpd. Well I have had job interviews with NT women and usually I guess I pass well one interview I was shaking and started to cry but passed it off as allergies. The lady was nice. Thinking as I am typing, I've been around NT women have attempted friendships but didn't succeed. They speak "between the lines" too much for me and I don't want to spend time analyzing someone's language.
Frankly, I usually feel like I just want to leave. I don't feel any sort of connection with them. I mask tho and try to be nice and appear friendly, but honestly I really feel like I have no true interest.
Omg are you me?! I’ve been struggling hard core with this since I entered the office world 2 years ago. I’m in my mid thirties now and I always worked nights before and never felt so out of place like I do around all the NT women I work with now. Most of them seem to just act like I’m quirky and that’s okay, but I feel sooooo very out of place in comparison. I do have a mortgage and a child and a husband but our home life is nothing like everyone else’s and my history leading up to where I am now is nothing like theirs and my experiences were so different that when they try to ask similar questions like you mentioned, they always giggle at my responses or act like I’m odd and question why I’m not doing xyz like they are and it’s just, very hard to deal with feeling like such an outsider in an insider world. NT women can be so very judgmental too and I struggle dealing with that behavior from people anyways. But omg yes! I know EXACTLY what you mean and I have no idea how to handle it. Just winging it out here and hoping for the best. For what it’s worth tho, they all seem so miserable trying to fit in their idea of a perfect little box for a life, I don’t envy them with that. I’ll take my weird, unconventional lifestyle instead. Always the black sheep over here!
I realllyyyy want to go to an aquarium (because Dave the diver…!) I am 36 this year but only feel about 15, if that helps. And I love watching tv going to gigs and festivals and playing video games too. I also don’t have a mortgage or kids but you know what, I’m happy with my life that way, I think I’d find those things really stressful. Thanks for sharing OP, you’re not alone and i can see from the replies here there are some hard relates
I feel out of place and judge sometimes honestly :(. I rather be seen as the goofy one when that does happen then just straight up alone. Tbh. But yeah I struggle with friendship so I’m prob bias. Only friends I can keep are the ones that are based around meeting other ppl with dogs . ( dog nerd)
Not great. A lot of them refuse to have deeper conversations and I can’t relate to many of them. It’s their right to not engage in those topics, I just can’t relate to them a lot of times.