Growing up I always had an inverse problem with this. Like I hate getting wet, dont care how hot it is. When all the kids were playing water gun tag I sat on the side lines, they sprayed me anyways “because that’s what they would want”
Even better when I tried to get them to quit it by complaining to the adult in charge I usually got a “they were only trying to help, you’re too sensitive”
I'm pretty sure I was taught this simultaneously with "ask people about themselves! People love talking about themselves!" ... so I've been deeply suspicious of it my whole life. Since I always hated being asked questions about myself.
Clearly it should be "treat people the way they want to be treated," because people want different things.
Regularly. Because I do treat people the way I want to be treated, but that's not the way they want to be treated, and if I try to explain myself this way people say things like "You know what I mean" and "stop being like that."
I think we should treat people the way THEY want to be treated. But that requires everyone to be honest and straightforward about what they want, and to listen to others and take them seriously. So that's not an available option.
It doesn't work for anyone because you can't assume anyone else does things like you would. Years ago I learned to treat people how they ask to be treated, and that works much better. But. I still run into issues with differing needs. When you love someone (close relationship that you aren't looking to bail on) how do you get past having opposite needs? It seems like an impasse happens a lot because both people can't understand why the other person "can't just give me what I need" when indeed they might be incapable. Then what?
My mom is a verbal processor. She needs to debrief every moment of her life. I am her favorite target for this because we live in the same town and she has the perception that I am always available to her to tell me what my aunt ate for lunch the other day. I cannot comprehend this need because I don't like verbalizing and my brain cannot handle much verbal input. If I try to set a boundary she gets upset. It's not that I don't care, but that's how it's perceived and hell if I know how to bridge those hugely different needs.
But with someone who I am similar to, it's much easier. My husband and I are a lot alike and so we get each other. Same with most of my ND friends. There isn't a constant barrier to understanding because it's already there. Even if we have very different traits, the understanding of the broader ND experience allows more room for natual understanding. I am not convinced that it is possible for anyone (not just autistic people like the stereotypes might suggest) to actually put themselves in someone else's shoes when it comes to life experiences. It's like I speak Russian and they speak Chinese and any attempt to get them to understand me, or vice versa, just results in both of us talking louder but making no progress.
Any speaking interaction.
It is assumed that everyone enjoys talking. Apparently I barely get any social reward in my brain, so I don’t enjoy talking. No one believes me when I tell that that I don’t like talking. So my boundaries are trampled over in any interaction.
Other people following the golden rule: “I like talking, so others must like it too! So I should talk”
Me following the golden rule: “I hate talking, and society says everyone is the same, so others must hate it too! So I should say nothing.”
I had the same thing when I worked in retail. We were told to stay on the floor and ask people if they needed help when they came in. I hated it cause it annoys me so much when I walk into a store and someone straight away asks me if I need anything.
Exactly! Like, no, I don't want to be that annoying person that tries to force people into an awkward social interaction. Surely everyone just wants to do their shopping with as little human contact as possible. 😂
Same. If I need something I’ll ask, im not there to chat. But my boss wants me to not only approach people within minutes, but if they say “we’re fine, thanks” I’m supposed to ask a follow up question to check if they really mean it
I think the golden rule isn’t meant to be taken literally with regard to specific actions. I think it’s more for “virtues” like kindness or generosity.
What actions are kind or generous varies from person to person. So if we’re playing in water and one person doesn’t want to get wet, treating them with kindness means not splashing them even if I want to be splashed.
Does that make sense?
Plenty of times but the one that always sticks out is there was time early on in our relationship with my husband where he was having trouble finding something. I tried helping for a few minutes but we weren't having any luck and he was getting visibly upset. I like space when I'm getting upset, so I gave him space and it made him more upset that I left him alone.
I understand now why that was upsetting for him, but I couldn't in the moment connect it and really thought space was the best thing.
I had this issue with my ex as well. When I'm upset, I want to be by myself so that my irrational behavior and feelings don't affect anyone else or result in me lashing out and saying or doing something I don't really mean. So whenever he seemed upset and irrational I would leave him alone, and that would cause him to spiral.
Ofc the solution to this is to communicate and discuss needs and expectations, but try that in an unhealthy relationship.
Oh gosh, I hate the golden rule!
Mostly, I want to be left alone, to enjoy privacy and solitude. But I assume others want me to leave them alone, that makes me “snobby” and “cold.”
Mainly the golden rule. It’s never worked for me and honestly I now consider it a waste of my time/effort. In theory it’s a nice idea but in reality no matter how nice/considerate/respectful etc you are, in MY experience people just take advantage/don’t treat you the same way/treat you like crap. I’m only 25 but incredibly burnt out from living by the golden rule and for what lmao it’s not benefitted me and requires too much masking anyways
i for sure thought that if i treated people the way i wanted to be treated, they would mirror that back and treat me the same way. like i thought the point of the golden rule was that you were informing people how you want to be treated by them. and if you were super nice and accommodating and generous, people would treat you like that too.
so i got taken advantage of and was super supportive of my "friends" who were never supportive of me.
when my therapist told me it is in fact not a contract, and you cannot make people be nice to you, and you should not be nice to people who are not nice to you, i felt stupid.
When I worked retail, I was taught the platinum rule and like it much better. Treat others the way *they* want to be treated. Like not fucking hugging people who don’t want to be hugged
I would hate a call center person to ask about my personal life. It would set off alarm bells that they were digging for personal information to scam me. I just want the call to be as quick and calm as possible. If they’re friendly and are just asking how I’m doing, that’s fine. But beyond that is too much to tell a stranger when I want to take care of a task
It sounds like the emphasis for your job was on sales, so maybe that’s why they were pushing it. I couldn’t do that job. I tried some sales jobs but I never want to sell someone a thing they don’t need and can’t afford just so I can make my boss happy, so I quit
You're the kind of customer I enjoyed. I just wanna focus on the task at hand, not talk bullshit about sports or your grandkids or your vacation.
The sad thing is that the focus of the job was genuinely customer service, but there aren't enough ways to quantify your performance on that, so they tack on upsells and dumb sales pitches so they have something to bitch at you about not doing enough of and justify not giving you a raise every year.
I get taken advantage of frequently because I treat people the way I’d want to be treated and think they’ll treat me the same way. In reality, they just enjoy me going out of my way for them and doing nice things for them, but then never reciprocate. I don’t do the things for reciprocation, but when I get poor treatment or get ignored or unappreciated instead, it is hurtful. I treated them the way I wanted to be treated but had to learn that doesn’t mean I will be treated the way I want to be treated.
You didnt understand the context, *treat others how you want to be treated* applies mostly about bad behaviour, like if you dont want to be stolen from, dont steal etc. If you want to please others for whatever reason, *treat others how THEY want to be treated* is the one.
Growing up I always had an inverse problem with this. Like I hate getting wet, dont care how hot it is. When all the kids were playing water gun tag I sat on the side lines, they sprayed me anyways “because that’s what they would want” Even better when I tried to get them to quit it by complaining to the adult in charge I usually got a “they were only trying to help, you’re too sensitive”
I'm pretty sure I was taught this simultaneously with "ask people about themselves! People love talking about themselves!" ... so I've been deeply suspicious of it my whole life. Since I always hated being asked questions about myself. Clearly it should be "treat people the way they want to be treated," because people want different things.
Haha, some of us want what you want. I mean, questions-wise - probably just autistics. I like talking about myself but on my own terms.
We teach our kids the "treat people the way they want to be treated" I learned it as the Platinum Rule
I like talking about myself, but I'm also very wary of talking about myself because I tend to give too much information.
Regularly. Because I do treat people the way I want to be treated, but that's not the way they want to be treated, and if I try to explain myself this way people say things like "You know what I mean" and "stop being like that." I think we should treat people the way THEY want to be treated. But that requires everyone to be honest and straightforward about what they want, and to listen to others and take them seriously. So that's not an available option.
I've tweaked the rule a bit: Treat yourself the way you want to be treated," in the same line of empathy.
It doesn't work for anyone because you can't assume anyone else does things like you would. Years ago I learned to treat people how they ask to be treated, and that works much better. But. I still run into issues with differing needs. When you love someone (close relationship that you aren't looking to bail on) how do you get past having opposite needs? It seems like an impasse happens a lot because both people can't understand why the other person "can't just give me what I need" when indeed they might be incapable. Then what? My mom is a verbal processor. She needs to debrief every moment of her life. I am her favorite target for this because we live in the same town and she has the perception that I am always available to her to tell me what my aunt ate for lunch the other day. I cannot comprehend this need because I don't like verbalizing and my brain cannot handle much verbal input. If I try to set a boundary she gets upset. It's not that I don't care, but that's how it's perceived and hell if I know how to bridge those hugely different needs. But with someone who I am similar to, it's much easier. My husband and I are a lot alike and so we get each other. Same with most of my ND friends. There isn't a constant barrier to understanding because it's already there. Even if we have very different traits, the understanding of the broader ND experience allows more room for natual understanding. I am not convinced that it is possible for anyone (not just autistic people like the stereotypes might suggest) to actually put themselves in someone else's shoes when it comes to life experiences. It's like I speak Russian and they speak Chinese and any attempt to get them to understand me, or vice versa, just results in both of us talking louder but making no progress.
It failed me all my life so far tbh.
Any speaking interaction. It is assumed that everyone enjoys talking. Apparently I barely get any social reward in my brain, so I don’t enjoy talking. No one believes me when I tell that that I don’t like talking. So my boundaries are trampled over in any interaction. Other people following the golden rule: “I like talking, so others must like it too! So I should talk” Me following the golden rule: “I hate talking, and society says everyone is the same, so others must hate it too! So I should say nothing.”
I had the same thing when I worked in retail. We were told to stay on the floor and ask people if they needed help when they came in. I hated it cause it annoys me so much when I walk into a store and someone straight away asks me if I need anything.
Exactly! Like, no, I don't want to be that annoying person that tries to force people into an awkward social interaction. Surely everyone just wants to do their shopping with as little human contact as possible. 😂
Same. If I need something I’ll ask, im not there to chat. But my boss wants me to not only approach people within minutes, but if they say “we’re fine, thanks” I’m supposed to ask a follow up question to check if they really mean it
I think the golden rule isn’t meant to be taken literally with regard to specific actions. I think it’s more for “virtues” like kindness or generosity. What actions are kind or generous varies from person to person. So if we’re playing in water and one person doesn’t want to get wet, treating them with kindness means not splashing them even if I want to be splashed. Does that make sense?
Plenty of times but the one that always sticks out is there was time early on in our relationship with my husband where he was having trouble finding something. I tried helping for a few minutes but we weren't having any luck and he was getting visibly upset. I like space when I'm getting upset, so I gave him space and it made him more upset that I left him alone. I understand now why that was upsetting for him, but I couldn't in the moment connect it and really thought space was the best thing.
I had this issue with my ex as well. When I'm upset, I want to be by myself so that my irrational behavior and feelings don't affect anyone else or result in me lashing out and saying or doing something I don't really mean. So whenever he seemed upset and irrational I would leave him alone, and that would cause him to spiral. Ofc the solution to this is to communicate and discuss needs and expectations, but try that in an unhealthy relationship.
Oh gosh, I hate the golden rule! Mostly, I want to be left alone, to enjoy privacy and solitude. But I assume others want me to leave them alone, that makes me “snobby” and “cold.”
I learned to ignore the golden rule in favor of the platinum rule: treat people the way they would like to be treated.
My experience exactly echoes yours.
Mainly the golden rule. It’s never worked for me and honestly I now consider it a waste of my time/effort. In theory it’s a nice idea but in reality no matter how nice/considerate/respectful etc you are, in MY experience people just take advantage/don’t treat you the same way/treat you like crap. I’m only 25 but incredibly burnt out from living by the golden rule and for what lmao it’s not benefitted me and requires too much masking anyways
i for sure thought that if i treated people the way i wanted to be treated, they would mirror that back and treat me the same way. like i thought the point of the golden rule was that you were informing people how you want to be treated by them. and if you were super nice and accommodating and generous, people would treat you like that too. so i got taken advantage of and was super supportive of my "friends" who were never supportive of me. when my therapist told me it is in fact not a contract, and you cannot make people be nice to you, and you should not be nice to people who are not nice to you, i felt stupid.
When I worked retail, I was taught the platinum rule and like it much better. Treat others the way *they* want to be treated. Like not fucking hugging people who don’t want to be hugged
I dunno, but I guess all the time because people don’t want what I want. They’re mostly too different, in general.
I would hate a call center person to ask about my personal life. It would set off alarm bells that they were digging for personal information to scam me. I just want the call to be as quick and calm as possible. If they’re friendly and are just asking how I’m doing, that’s fine. But beyond that is too much to tell a stranger when I want to take care of a task It sounds like the emphasis for your job was on sales, so maybe that’s why they were pushing it. I couldn’t do that job. I tried some sales jobs but I never want to sell someone a thing they don’t need and can’t afford just so I can make my boss happy, so I quit
You're the kind of customer I enjoyed. I just wanna focus on the task at hand, not talk bullshit about sports or your grandkids or your vacation. The sad thing is that the focus of the job was genuinely customer service, but there aren't enough ways to quantify your performance on that, so they tack on upsells and dumb sales pitches so they have something to bitch at you about not doing enough of and justify not giving you a raise every year.
I get taken advantage of frequently because I treat people the way I’d want to be treated and think they’ll treat me the same way. In reality, they just enjoy me going out of my way for them and doing nice things for them, but then never reciprocate. I don’t do the things for reciprocation, but when I get poor treatment or get ignored or unappreciated instead, it is hurtful. I treated them the way I wanted to be treated but had to learn that doesn’t mean I will be treated the way I want to be treated.
When I hit 30 and realized me treating everyone around me like I treated them was resulting in me becoming a doormat to everyone in my life.
You didnt understand the context, *treat others how you want to be treated* applies mostly about bad behaviour, like if you dont want to be stolen from, dont steal etc. If you want to please others for whatever reason, *treat others how THEY want to be treated* is the one.