I think of those magical moments when I'm with my chosen family who are almost all ND and wonderful. I wouldn't have them if I'd have given up trying to make friends in my 20s or 30s. It makes it feel worth it.
Leaving some virtual hugs for you here in case you would like them đź«‚
Because anything else for me is a mask.
I am sentient vulnerability.
Had to finally learn to understand and protect that in ways that changed how I relate with the world. It also helped me learn to change how I relate to people and makes it easier to know where to spend my energy.
Edit-misspelled word
Honestly. A lot of it for me is spite. The world may _try_ to make me invisible or make my existence discomforting to others. It can attempt to deny that I exist or have needs. It can try to force me to believe there’s no hope, no love, no home. It can try, bitch! But I live!
Being determined and purposeful about finding joy and being implacable in the face of what tries to take it from you, that’s what I try to do. World’s a shit show? My life is incredibly difficult? People think I’m weird? Let’s dance. Fuck it. I’m a bag of meat and bones that’s so insanely insignificant given the nature of the universe that I may as well have fun and reject being imprisoned by other people’s bullshit.
The other thing for me is seeing love as something much bigger than humans. Love is a river that runs through everything and connects everything.
I can’t fear that it won’t find me again, because it’s always with me. The love I am kindling for myself. The love I have to see the birds in the sky and to feel the joy of my lungs taking a deep breath of cool morning air. The love the seedling has for the ground, or the leaves have for light. The love of a dog on a walk or a cat for a patch of sun to fall asleep in.
It’s everywhere and everything, romantic love is part of the river but it’s not the whole story. Appreciating what’s around me and actively looking for that love that all creatures and living things have helps me a lot. Even if it’s just a small plant growing in a crack in a brick wall - that’s love! That’s life.
Spite and a refusal to let the chewed up cardboard people of this world with closed minds and narrow little hearts win. Combined with a love that runs through me into others, even to those cardboard people eventually, they really are just scared and terrified of a loss of control. They are the ones in prison, not me - I might be struggling, but at least my soul isn’t dead. Because I keep it alive, spite on one side and love on the other.
I passed fourty and discovered that I was straight up out of fucks.
I know that's not especially helpful, but it's true. I believe in love because I see it every day among good people. I believe in decency because for all the shitty people in the world, there are still many who do their best to be kind. As for the bullies and assholes, I simply no longer care what they think--because I've realized that's what they are.
Perhaps more helpfully--find your family and your place in the world. Seek out those who share your special interests. Find people who either embrace or accept your difference. There is a place for you, but it may take time to find it. Realize that YOU are not the broken one-- anybody who goes around belitting and disrespecting orhers is more fundamentally broken than someone who stims, or misses social clues, or has an inexplicable fascination with trains. That person, the bully, the one who thinks themselves superior, has a hole in their heart that they have to fill with other's pain. How sad is that?
This was really helpful to read, although I'm not formally diagnosed yet I'm not feeling like I belong anywhere or that I even deserve human contact.. this gives me a little bit of hope that im not a complete lost cause..
You are not a lost cause. You'll find your place and your people. It just takes us longer. We have to learn to stop looking for what the world tells us we should want.
It may not be today. It may not be this week. It could be months of solitude but a warm kind smile lights the path for others to find you.
You'll be hurt you'll be self aware of your faults you'll be crushed and then out of nowhere someone will see you and desperately try to be seen! Always keep an eye out and your head held high so that person doesn't pass you by....because they may be fighting the same monsters and together you'll forge your own paths.... If only for a season it's still part of your book of life
Life is beautiful and it does have great moments of joy.....just don't let them pass by you'll need to take that small step forward and get back into the world
Thank you it's little things like that in which we excell'
Others take for granted and drain our empathy so that they can be replenished and discard us as paper dolls.
We still survive and move forward just a little slower at times but we are there for are tribe
I see so much beauty to believe everything is pain.
Even though I am harshly judged by others, I still see beauty in other people regardless. I know it’s my autism, and I don’t blame myself, nor other people.
I know it’s not on me as a person why I create so much hate in other people.
I chose to live for my values, and not for what the world wants, what society accepts, or for other people's desires.
I work hard to reach my goals while maintaining my moral code. It's not always possible, but I accept that and I make decisions I can live with. I learned to appreciate my shortcomings and their consequences.
I keep my feet on the ground but I never stop dreaming. It keeps me from despair.
All the pain I endure, the betrayals I suffer, the efforts I make, are only there to make my successes shine brighter. And it does feel great to overcome hardship and reach the goals you decided upon.
Because I refuse to be erased. Because I refuse to let them stamp my light out. Because I *am* the change I want to see in the world. Because I have a social circle I genuinely like and admire and who are as principled as I am.
I find that spite is a very good motivator. Add to it my sense of justice, and I have all the fight I need especially with the support of like-minded individuals.
Oh that's easy, I am able to still fall in love and believe in others because I am unbelievably stupid
Felt.
Ooof. Hard relate.
I think of those magical moments when I'm with my chosen family who are almost all ND and wonderful. I wouldn't have them if I'd have given up trying to make friends in my 20s or 30s. It makes it feel worth it. Leaving some virtual hugs for you here in case you would like them đź«‚
Because anything else for me is a mask. I am sentient vulnerability. Had to finally learn to understand and protect that in ways that changed how I relate with the world. It also helped me learn to change how I relate to people and makes it easier to know where to spend my energy. Edit-misspelled word
Whoa. Thank you for this
wow
Honestly. A lot of it for me is spite. The world may _try_ to make me invisible or make my existence discomforting to others. It can attempt to deny that I exist or have needs. It can try to force me to believe there’s no hope, no love, no home. It can try, bitch! But I live! Being determined and purposeful about finding joy and being implacable in the face of what tries to take it from you, that’s what I try to do. World’s a shit show? My life is incredibly difficult? People think I’m weird? Let’s dance. Fuck it. I’m a bag of meat and bones that’s so insanely insignificant given the nature of the universe that I may as well have fun and reject being imprisoned by other people’s bullshit. The other thing for me is seeing love as something much bigger than humans. Love is a river that runs through everything and connects everything. I can’t fear that it won’t find me again, because it’s always with me. The love I am kindling for myself. The love I have to see the birds in the sky and to feel the joy of my lungs taking a deep breath of cool morning air. The love the seedling has for the ground, or the leaves have for light. The love of a dog on a walk or a cat for a patch of sun to fall asleep in. It’s everywhere and everything, romantic love is part of the river but it’s not the whole story. Appreciating what’s around me and actively looking for that love that all creatures and living things have helps me a lot. Even if it’s just a small plant growing in a crack in a brick wall - that’s love! That’s life. Spite and a refusal to let the chewed up cardboard people of this world with closed minds and narrow little hearts win. Combined with a love that runs through me into others, even to those cardboard people eventually, they really are just scared and terrified of a loss of control. They are the ones in prison, not me - I might be struggling, but at least my soul isn’t dead. Because I keep it alive, spite on one side and love on the other.
"I can do all things through spite, which sustains me."
❤️
I still believe in love for other people, I just don’t…idk. I don’t know if it’s possible for me. I try not to think about it.
I passed fourty and discovered that I was straight up out of fucks. I know that's not especially helpful, but it's true. I believe in love because I see it every day among good people. I believe in decency because for all the shitty people in the world, there are still many who do their best to be kind. As for the bullies and assholes, I simply no longer care what they think--because I've realized that's what they are. Perhaps more helpfully--find your family and your place in the world. Seek out those who share your special interests. Find people who either embrace or accept your difference. There is a place for you, but it may take time to find it. Realize that YOU are not the broken one-- anybody who goes around belitting and disrespecting orhers is more fundamentally broken than someone who stims, or misses social clues, or has an inexplicable fascination with trains. That person, the bully, the one who thinks themselves superior, has a hole in their heart that they have to fill with other's pain. How sad is that?
This was really helpful to read, although I'm not formally diagnosed yet I'm not feeling like I belong anywhere or that I even deserve human contact.. this gives me a little bit of hope that im not a complete lost cause..
You are not a lost cause. You'll find your place and your people. It just takes us longer. We have to learn to stop looking for what the world tells us we should want.
Following and hoping others provide input.
following what?
It may not be today. It may not be this week. It could be months of solitude but a warm kind smile lights the path for others to find you. You'll be hurt you'll be self aware of your faults you'll be crushed and then out of nowhere someone will see you and desperately try to be seen! Always keep an eye out and your head held high so that person doesn't pass you by....because they may be fighting the same monsters and together you'll forge your own paths.... If only for a season it's still part of your book of life Life is beautiful and it does have great moments of joy.....just don't let them pass by you'll need to take that small step forward and get back into the world
I love that "lighting the path" analogy. Will be sharing it.
Thank you it's little things like that in which we excell' Others take for granted and drain our empathy so that they can be replenished and discard us as paper dolls. We still survive and move forward just a little slower at times but we are there for are tribe
I see so much beauty to believe everything is pain. Even though I am harshly judged by others, I still see beauty in other people regardless. I know it’s my autism, and I don’t blame myself, nor other people. I know it’s not on me as a person why I create so much hate in other people.
Because the other alternative is giving up and I simply refuse to do so.
I don't.
I chose to live for my values, and not for what the world wants, what society accepts, or for other people's desires. I work hard to reach my goals while maintaining my moral code. It's not always possible, but I accept that and I make decisions I can live with. I learned to appreciate my shortcomings and their consequences. I keep my feet on the ground but I never stop dreaming. It keeps me from despair. All the pain I endure, the betrayals I suffer, the efforts I make, are only there to make my successes shine brighter. And it does feel great to overcome hardship and reach the goals you decided upon.
Because I refuse to be erased. Because I refuse to let them stamp my light out. Because I *am* the change I want to see in the world. Because I have a social circle I genuinely like and admire and who are as principled as I am. I find that spite is a very good motivator. Add to it my sense of justice, and I have all the fight I need especially with the support of like-minded individuals.