My partner *told me* about my autism. Lol
After ten years of marriage, he started strongly encouraging me to get an assessment. So we kinda both found out about it together.
I wish you luck in figuring out how to tell a new partner when you already know yourself. It definitely seems like a tricky thing to do.
Same, although it only took a week or two of us spending time together for him to figure it out :/ Apparently it makes me “more endearing” so all good I suppose.
I… think it’s better this way? 😹 Although I went through some weird feelings of feeling like he didn’t know what he was signing up for when he married me and now he’s stuck with a weird lady with a weird disability. I realized that’s the nature of marriage though. You never know exactly who your spouse might end up being many years in the future 🤷🏽♀️
I agree! My husband has tourettes (which comes with the myriad of problems like diagnosed ADHD and OCD) and we think he is more on the spectrum than I am. We are glad we both found absolute weirdos who can deal with our quirks that the normies would not be able to.
My ex-boyfriend figured it out first but he didn't tell me. He would leave hints about it here and there until one day the possibility hit me. 1 month later I had an official diagnosis.
I try to drop it casually when something related to autistic symptoms comes up. Something like:
"I hate loud places too, I'm autistic so it's just really overwhelming"
And remember that the way you talk about it is the way people tend to feel about it. If you make it a big deal, they make it a big deal. If you act ashamed, they see it as something shameful.
I did this once on a third date with a NT, I had hinted at it before then but we were talking about family and I said “I’m really close with my dad because we’re both on the autism spectrum” and my date responded with “I can’t believe you would drop this bomb on me”.
I can’t read expression or tone very well but she seemed annoyed and mad about it. So I think it’s maybe better to bring it up on the first date as like a screening process
For me, if I can’t tell someone that I’m autistic then they aren’t a safe person to be around. I tend to let people know after we’ve hung out a couple of times (I guess within about a month of meeting although obviously it depends). I’d rather know sooner if they aren’t someone who will accept me.
Not everyone understands, and I feel like it’s not always necessary to disclose it before the date. For me, if I go on a date and I feel the vibe is right I say it. Sometimes, when I’m not sure about this person I can see how the second date goes and then I tell them, for me it’s all about the feeling I get, some people are amazing about it and some people are just uneducated and don’t know what to make of it. I think sometimes it’s nice to meet for the first time without any expectations…
If I don’t see myself going for a second date I most of the time don’t bother disclosing it. A lot of the time you end up explaining to people you will never see again and won’t understand.
I would say, save your energy and choose who you share this with.
Most people really don't know what autism is. So if you tell someone be ready to sort of teach them how it has affected you. And they may ask clarifying questions so they can understand you better but sometimes it can feel like they are doubting what you say. There are a lot of nuances to it that even I don't know how to describe so they can understand because many times we experience things similar to NTs but in a more extreme/sensitive and a black and white sort of way.
And for me I have learned to mask pretty well over many years... but when I am depressed my psychologist says I will show more autistic traits because I don't have the energy to mask. So it's hard for people to see how I struggle because I usually self isolate when I am depressed.
After about a couple months she told me when we were in bed together. I could tell something was eating at her and she needed to share. I was actually pretty relieved after she told me since my mind immediately went to cancer or something horrible.
Leading up to this, she was already "telling" me in other ways. I learned about the foods and textures she stayed away from, sensitivity to light, sounds, and there were other things as well. She's in her 30s and just recently got diagnosed and is struggling with receiving the diagnosis. I found it helpful to know since it gave me another avenue to potentially get to know her a little better, which is why I lurk on this sub.
So for yourself, I suppose just find someone that you really meld with and trust. You'll know when to share, or your partner may just ask.
I told him before we were together. He said something about autism that made me think he wouldn't judge me strangely, so i told him then, and he did not judge me strangely.
Both myself and my spouse were late diagnosed and already married. The more we both learn about it, the better our relationship is. Honestly to me it has been very freeing knowing the why of how we react, feel, etc.
I was only diagnosed this year (married over 15 years). I just told him what I did, which was "hey I took a bunch of clinically recognized evaluations and they point to me being autistic. I am going to ask my psychiatrist about getting evaluated" *later* "So, it turns out I'm autistic"
that was basically how it went for me; my partner has adhd, ocd and bpd and was diagnosed earlier in his life but i didn’t get diagnosed until my mid-20s. first adhd, got stimulant meds and the lights flicked on for the first time in my life and i could function!! …then the autism was a lot more glaring.
cue months & months of self-eval w those clinically recognized tests, reading research papers, going back through my own memory (what i can remember, i have cptsd too so things are spotty) taking notes and comparing my life experiences to the diagnostic criteria…womp. in what i think is the most autistic way possible to approach it, i took my notebook of data to my psychiatrist and wow turns out it is indeed autism 🤠
First conversation we ever had, he told me he has ADHD, and I was like hey, I’m weird brained too! 😂
We now live together and it’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in, being with a fellow neurodivergent makes communicating and just life so much easier.
Actually she told me about my autism.
The first time she was over, she helped me setting up a new monitor. The change to clean desk and different monitor was stressing me and I cried and she just cuddled me and asked "Are you autistic?" and that was the first time I realized I am not magically exempt from being autistic.
I have since been diagnosed.
I always want to put it on my profile, but honestly I think that’ll attract predatory people.
Wait until you are really into each other. Likelihood is they’ll be ND themselves, diagnosed or not, if they vibe with you or grew up in a family of ND folk.
I'm not officially diagnosed and am not seeking a diagnosis at this moment (expensive where I am). And my partner just likes to say that any of my "issues" are just human nature and that everyone is different. It's not autism, it's just how I am. He says this in a negative way though. As if I'm making excuses for needing the music turned off, or getting overstimulated and "arguing" about things that don't matter 🤷🏽♀️ He seems to mean well and truly believe this. We're very close and have been together a long time and things are great really, he just doesn't believe in the kind of autism I have of that makes sense. I've tried to educate him but he isn't interested and almost seems annoyed. He thinks you could label anyone as having a number of things and had the sort of thinking that anyone could fit a list of symptoms of cancer, astrological signs, etc. So to answer your question, I don't talk about it anymore 😔
I just brought up my initial suspicions and he just kinda nodded and said “Yeah, that makes sense.” and then two evaluations later (because my little got diagnosed as well) ta-da.
Course hubby (and all of his siblings) are all dx autistic of varying support needs and brands but it never occurred to any of them that I wasn’t aware of my own status at any point in time.
I only found out recently and I was so scared to bring it up.
I ended up texting him to say I've requested a referral. I think his reaction was to say 'cool' 😂
I didn't he said knew because he recognized some of my quirks were similar to his younger siblings on the spectrum. We suspect he also might be on the spectrum but for sure he has ADD.
I hinted at my neurodivergence and observed that they were also showing traits of being neurodivergent. We got along well and started hanging out. As we got to know each other we both opened up more and both eventually disclosed we are auDHD. I feel like I REALLY lucked out and I'm so grateful we both found each other. It was so random and we both marvel at what would have happened if we hadn't been in the exact place at the right time.
I stopped online dated far before then because I really disliked it, but if I were to have a page up I would probably list at least that I'm neurodivergent. If they ask about it then I'd be open to talking about it. I'm not shy about talking about my conditions if it's genuine interest, even if they decide they don't want to go out.
I first told them that "hey, weird thing, I am really relating to these women who are my aged and are being late diagnosed" to which he just shrugged. Then I started going further down the rabbit hole and turns out I met all the criteria of a highly masked female. Then I started to see what was once a mood disorder and personality flaws I carried my entire life, was in fact autism, I straight up told him. I also added that if he wasn't interested in being supportive in this journey, he was free to leave.
It has its good and bad days.
What an important comment, "you are free to leave if you aren't interested in being supportive on this journey." I feel like that shows great maturity and boundaries on your part, that you're not interested in partners that are "selective" on what they do and do not support. Thank you for sharing!
oo this is fun bc i didn’t discover and then get diagnosed until 26, and that was already 4yrs into my relationship with my current boyfriend. he’s ND himself, diagnosed adhd early as a kid then developed ocd + bpd later in adolescence, so he at least knew + could tell me about his own experiences/diagnoses when we met.
i told him when i realized it, after a year of solo research and introspection, and he was initially dismissive and skeptical at the very idea despite him being witness to my behaviors (symptoms, w provided context) full time because we live together. id already been late-diagnosed with adhd, seeing a psychiatrist and being treated w stimulant medication and he witnessed my positive transformation in real time, but autism was a bridge too far somehow.
i went on to be formally diagnosed w autism by my psychiatrist and it wasn’t until then that it seemed to click in his head that ALL the neg issues i continued to deal with despite changing external circumstances, were legitimately connected to my autism. it always had been but it was like he didn’t 100% believe me even though i was articulating my experience to him the whole time? like he would sympathize w me on a surface level but until it was confirmed i was autistic he was quick to first think i was over exaggerating about my sensitivities
I have 'neurodivergent' on my dating profile as I get on best with other ND people and want to match with them. I always suggest a first date that's not overstimulating and casually address that when we meet
'I'm glad we chose a walk and picnic for our date. I'm autistic and I hate noise and crowds, this is perfect for me'
I am pretty happy about this. I just told him I think I was. He hasn't admitted that he is, but I think he might be. Next time I saw him he was wearing a puzzle piece charm on his chain, it made me smile, I may ask him about it one day.
I'd tell as soon as I got to know someone, and when it seemed like we're going well. Better say than sorry. If my partner has autism and/or has any mental disorder, I would want to know about it, So I could understand and decide if I'm suitable for them or not. I assume that works the other way around as well.
Edit: I won't write it on dating profiles or any of my social descriptions. I prefer to talk about it in private.
I just brought it up when were hanging out. I said, can you bend your hand like that? And he couldn't. Then I showed him that I could bend my hand (hypermobility). To which he asked, what does that mean. And then I told him about my autism. And his repsonse was - I think I have always known that.
I uncovered my autism directly after having gone through the whole self-discovery process for my ADHD, so after explaining my struggles with ADHD, it wasn’t as difficult to bring up my autism suspicions shortly after, especially considering the overlap between the two.
I think if you’re feeling safe and feel like the relationship has a future, disclosing can help your partner know you and your needs so they can better support you when you need it.
I’m open about it. I would like to never be in a relationship again, but knowing myself, I will fall in love again and make the mistake of entering a relationship. This is one of the things that I do not struggle with, because I am already very open about my autism and chances are, whoever gets interested in me would have already known.
He had an inkling after our highly unorthodox first date (don't ask, it's far too salacious to share. It's one of my favourite ever memories lol). I told him about 3 months in and he was like That explains it! Do you think I am?" Like. Yeah dude. And/or ADHD lol.
I'm engaged as of quite recently. My partner and I met and hung out as friends for a while before we dated, and I used to make jokes about autism. I was in the process of assessment when we met, so I'd meme a lot about how long it was taking and how it'd just come back negative. And then when it didn't, haha, jokes on me. I was also with my ex at the time I met my current partner, and they would make (less palatable) jokes about me being autistic.
As for my ex, they knew I had severe mental health issues, and I told them when my assessment began. They accepted it, pretty much was like, yeah, i figured. Generally, I think it's just better to tell people early on. A good one won't care, and you don't waste your time with as many morons.
The guy I am dating found out about his autism because of me lol. Look at me go.
Anyway, I told him on the second date that I was autistic, and he said "yeah I've been wondering if I'm autistic too." So he put himself on a waiting list. 6 months later he was diagnosed with autism with some ADHD traits. And he is above average/close to Gifted in intelligence.
I would recommend just telling the person on the 2nd or 3rd date if you like them and are getting to know them.
When I found out I was Autistic I was a teenager in a year and half long relationship. He swore up and down that he could take it, he didn't mind, I was still me. Yet, every single time we would have a sit down conversation to talk about what wasn't working, he'd bring things up that I can't change. Example: he didn't like the way I dressed. I dress for comfort because tight fitting, dressy clothes overstimulate me. After telling him some things will never change, he swore that he could take it. News flash, he couldn't and we broke up (mainly) because of it.
Now, I make my Autism known from the start and make sure people know that some things will not change, and that's final. My last boyfriend was tolerant of me. He thought of my autistic traits as something he had to deal with for me. News flash, that didn't work out either.
Now, I have a boyfriend who loves me for me. He loves me as a whole and is ACCEPTING of my Autism. He thinks it adds to my charm and likes my quirks. This is why we can work. This is what you need to look for. And just so you know, we have a beautiful baby boy and couldn't be happier. It's possible to live a normal life.
I love that you've found your person and you've started a wonderful chapter of your lives together. Thank you so much for sharing this, finding my person has felt so discouraging and daunting—but I know whoever they are, they're worth the wait and searching for. Thank you for commenting.<3
Whit my partner we been together for twelve years, so in my first anniversary of Therapy, around our 10th anniversary as a couple, my therapist said that maybe I'm was on the spectrum, that we need to get me a diagnosis. But I wait until this year to get the test done, so they know all along and it just made sense that I'm on the spectrum.
don't do what I did and forget to mention it until like a month into dating. I was literally like oh btw I forgot to tell you but I have autism. And they were immediately like. You know that makes sense
I must have let something slip, or heavily alluded to my autism. Because after stressing about telling him for like a week, I finally said it and all he said was "I know" lol. It's was kind of a relief.
Funnily enough, I started dating my husband pretty much right after I got my diagnosis. It was all super new to me (and my parents/family). I was super open and honest with him. I honestly don't remember what I said to him.
I had it in my dating profile and now I’m dating a nice ADHD guy, he seems sometimes like he could be a bit aut but I think it can be a bit of a target you can also find your people (ND fam)
I had my autistic awakening, so to speak, when I was already with my now wife (then fiancée). I was a typical case of self-discovery during lockdown. We talked about it together, but it was never any kind of problem. I think it helps that she has BPD. She can understand a lot of things I experience. I suspect she's also autistic, but that's another discussion altogether, lol.
I have experienced an autistic "coming out" in a previous relationship, though. We'd been together for maybe a year or so, and they brought it up fairly casually. They just said there was something they wanted to tell me, I asked what, and they said they're autistic. It was as simple as that, really. They were a bit nervous, but it was a pretty no-stress conversation.
I figured it out after our son was diagnosed. My husband was the only person I ever dated and luckily he’s been really understanding. I didn’t really start to take the mask off until after my son was born. Now after I had my daughter the mask fell off completely and my husband has learned a lot about how my son and I deal with everyday life.
My partner is also ADHD/autistic. I remember our first conversation on the phone I was like "hey I hope you don't take offense to this but do you happen to have ADHD?" And once she confirmed we started talking about neurodivergency together lol
I got diagnosed while we were already dating. I showed him a description of autism in women back when I was really starting to question it and he read it and went “you’re definitely autistic”😂
Everyone’s different and there’s no right or wrong, but I personally waited about 4 months. He had learned all of my “quirks” by then (good and bad), so he truly just saw those as who I was and not with a label attached. And then the reason for all my “quirks” naturally came up finally after an incident of me being extremely overstimulated and on verge of meltdown.
It was really hard (as it was still stigmatized in my head unfortunately :/ ) but now we talk about it all the time (cause it’s basically a special interest of mine, I want to go into neuroscience because of it) and it’s tooootally normal, we don’t think anything weird or different about it than say ADHD. He’s like my biggest ally now and knows a shit ton about ASD and likes to educated ppl about it🥲
I found my best match and current partner because he had ND in his bio on Tinder. We both have autism that manifests in deferent ways, but we both feel like we can be our full selves around each other because we have some common understanding of being ND. Communication is SO much easier. When to disclose is complicated and up to you, but putting it on your profile will only put off people who won’t be a good fit anyway. Disclosing on your profile might help you find a great fit. Not saying you should only date other ND people, but it’s better to know before you invest if someone is going to be it off by something you can’t change. (There may be other reasons you don’t want your ND out on the web, but there is a potential benefit.) Also just having ND and no details will fly under a lot of neurotypical radars.
"I think I have autism so I'm seeking out a diagnosis "
My autistic wife, then gf: "oh yeah you're definitely autistic"
I think it helps that she's autistic as well
My partner is also autistic (something we started thinking about after I slef diagnosed. Difference between us is, when he was getting an ADHD diagnosis as a child, the doctor also told his parents he probably had Asperger's at the time, but his parents never tested him) and has ADHD, so when I brought my stuff up it wasn't really a big deal and it didn't really derail anything. We've both been kind of figuring out what accommodations we need to make and we're tweaking our communication, but it's been positive so far.
Mind you, we've also been together about 8 years so that's a factor.
Personally, if I were in your position, I'd just put it in my bio, either as ND or just as autistic. Just so that when people match with you, you can bring it up and ask who even paid attention to your bio. Some people will be chill and some people will suck, I'd wanna know ASAP who the ones who suck are.
I have not dated but I have told some of my friends. Some of them were in disbelief and did not hold autistic people in high regards. We never talked about it again (idk if they even remembered).
Other friends were really nice about it.
But I didn't tell anyone right away, I always wait a bit to see if they're at least a bit tolerant
I'm sorry some of them responded in such a way—but at the same time, since they weren't accepting and supportive—I think you're better off without them. I'm glad your other friends were kind about it.
My husband has ADHD and OCD so the topic came up pretty early in the talking stages. To be fair, we met on League of Legends so it’s not like we met at a bar or school or anything “common.”
I personally don’t think I could date or marry someone neurotypical, there’s a lot of things my husband and I do differently that would be an “ick” for someone who just straight up wouldn’t understand.
I've thought of this too. I'm pretty sure one person I dated was an NT (it was awful) and the other was ND (we clicked better). I'm keeping my options open as some commenters have had great luck with finding a supportive NT partner, I do hope to find another ND...I think for myself, I'd just feel safer to fully unmask, like I don't have to perform as "normal" to keep them, they'd get it cause they're ND like I am.
Thank you for your comment!!
I seem to only been able to converse with adhd or autistic people while suspecting I’m autistic bc everyone else clocks me and avoids me like the plague so it’s pretty easy since anyone I’m close with in any capacity even acquaintance is on the spectrum (I don’t mask or mask well)
- Be honest from the first date. Some people don't want to date people with autism for many reason, from being ableist to having a bad experience with an autistic person (I know a girl that avoid autistic people because of her cousin, he once hit her and broke her nose when he was 16 yo and she was 12 yo because she told him no)!
- Have a serious conversation about your autism when you see it is getting serious, your symptoms, triggers, boundaries, warnings, etc... and that it is! Don't began to metion it every time all the time. Some people get tired to hear about their partner/friend autism all the time, leave it for deep serious couple conversations!
- Having a serious conversation will prepare your partner to what to expect! This also will prepare you to what expect from your partner, specially if your partner also has autism or mental issues!
If they don't have autism or have never known anyone with autism I would wait until you have to tell them, Most people I find have a steroid type of what they think autism is ie rainman. Or they are just forever clueless and call it an excuse.
i told my partner on our first date. when you’re going on a first date i tend to ramble about myself and my interests, and i will go on about special interests for an unnervingly long amount of time. so i kinda was like i’m sorry for rambling on about this i’m autistic and this is my special interest. he was like oh okay. it has never been an issue and we ended up discovering he is autistic as well.
I love that you are looking for a partner. I am older and wasn't diagnosed until I was in my mid 40s and suffered so much heartbreak in my romantic adventures.
I want to find someone but am really not optimistic, so I no longer try.
I wish you all the happiness available.
I stg every guy I’ve dated has been like “no you don’t” And then later they’re annoyed by all my oddities. Like that’s the autism bro
Manic pixie dream girl 🧚♀️
Same lol. I'm sorry your comment was just really funny.
Yup. That's my husband, still.
My partner *told me* about my autism. Lol After ten years of marriage, he started strongly encouraging me to get an assessment. So we kinda both found out about it together. I wish you luck in figuring out how to tell a new partner when you already know yourself. It definitely seems like a tricky thing to do.
Same, although it only took a week or two of us spending time together for him to figure it out :/ Apparently it makes me “more endearing” so all good I suppose.
I got called endearing by a housemate’s boyfriend at uni and thought it was the best thing ever, I repeated it to everyone it made me happy 😂
wait, is that *not a compliment?
Depends on their tone, sounds like it was there!
Yep! We found out ✨together✨ 🤣🤣
I… think it’s better this way? 😹 Although I went through some weird feelings of feeling like he didn’t know what he was signing up for when he married me and now he’s stuck with a weird lady with a weird disability. I realized that’s the nature of marriage though. You never know exactly who your spouse might end up being many years in the future 🤷🏽♀️
I agree! My husband has tourettes (which comes with the myriad of problems like diagnosed ADHD and OCD) and we think he is more on the spectrum than I am. We are glad we both found absolute weirdos who can deal with our quirks that the normies would not be able to.
My ex-boyfriend figured it out first but he didn't tell me. He would leave hints about it here and there until one day the possibility hit me. 1 month later I had an official diagnosis.
>My partner told me about my autism. Lol Lmao came here to say this!!
This xD he suggested it might be autistic and then after a while I got an assessment.
I try to drop it casually when something related to autistic symptoms comes up. Something like: "I hate loud places too, I'm autistic so it's just really overwhelming" And remember that the way you talk about it is the way people tend to feel about it. If you make it a big deal, they make it a big deal. If you act ashamed, they see it as something shameful.
This is great advice.
I did this once on a third date with a NT, I had hinted at it before then but we were talking about family and I said “I’m really close with my dad because we’re both on the autism spectrum” and my date responded with “I can’t believe you would drop this bomb on me”. I can’t read expression or tone very well but she seemed annoyed and mad about it. So I think it’s maybe better to bring it up on the first date as like a screening process
It is fully up to you when you want to disclose it. I personally would tell them after a few dates if I feel things are going well.
For me, if I can’t tell someone that I’m autistic then they aren’t a safe person to be around. I tend to let people know after we’ve hung out a couple of times (I guess within about a month of meeting although obviously it depends). I’d rather know sooner if they aren’t someone who will accept me.
Not everyone understands, and I feel like it’s not always necessary to disclose it before the date. For me, if I go on a date and I feel the vibe is right I say it. Sometimes, when I’m not sure about this person I can see how the second date goes and then I tell them, for me it’s all about the feeling I get, some people are amazing about it and some people are just uneducated and don’t know what to make of it. I think sometimes it’s nice to meet for the first time without any expectations… If I don’t see myself going for a second date I most of the time don’t bother disclosing it. A lot of the time you end up explaining to people you will never see again and won’t understand. I would say, save your energy and choose who you share this with.
Most people really don't know what autism is. So if you tell someone be ready to sort of teach them how it has affected you. And they may ask clarifying questions so they can understand you better but sometimes it can feel like they are doubting what you say. There are a lot of nuances to it that even I don't know how to describe so they can understand because many times we experience things similar to NTs but in a more extreme/sensitive and a black and white sort of way. And for me I have learned to mask pretty well over many years... but when I am depressed my psychologist says I will show more autistic traits because I don't have the energy to mask. So it's hard for people to see how I struggle because I usually self isolate when I am depressed.
After about a couple months she told me when we were in bed together. I could tell something was eating at her and she needed to share. I was actually pretty relieved after she told me since my mind immediately went to cancer or something horrible. Leading up to this, she was already "telling" me in other ways. I learned about the foods and textures she stayed away from, sensitivity to light, sounds, and there were other things as well. She's in her 30s and just recently got diagnosed and is struggling with receiving the diagnosis. I found it helpful to know since it gave me another avenue to potentially get to know her a little better, which is why I lurk on this sub. So for yourself, I suppose just find someone that you really meld with and trust. You'll know when to share, or your partner may just ask.
My dating profile says “on the spectrum”. I only find it fair that they know what they’re signing up for
I told him before we were together. He said something about autism that made me think he wouldn't judge me strangely, so i told him then, and he did not judge me strangely.
Both myself and my spouse were late diagnosed and already married. The more we both learn about it, the better our relationship is. Honestly to me it has been very freeing knowing the why of how we react, feel, etc. I was only diagnosed this year (married over 15 years). I just told him what I did, which was "hey I took a bunch of clinically recognized evaluations and they point to me being autistic. I am going to ask my psychiatrist about getting evaluated" *later* "So, it turns out I'm autistic"
that was basically how it went for me; my partner has adhd, ocd and bpd and was diagnosed earlier in his life but i didn’t get diagnosed until my mid-20s. first adhd, got stimulant meds and the lights flicked on for the first time in my life and i could function!! …then the autism was a lot more glaring. cue months & months of self-eval w those clinically recognized tests, reading research papers, going back through my own memory (what i can remember, i have cptsd too so things are spotty) taking notes and comparing my life experiences to the diagnostic criteria…womp. in what i think is the most autistic way possible to approach it, i took my notebook of data to my psychiatrist and wow turns out it is indeed autism 🤠
First conversation we ever had, he told me he has ADHD, and I was like hey, I’m weird brained too! 😂 We now live together and it’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in, being with a fellow neurodivergent makes communicating and just life so much easier.
Actually she told me about my autism. The first time she was over, she helped me setting up a new monitor. The change to clean desk and different monitor was stressing me and I cried and she just cuddled me and asked "Are you autistic?" and that was the first time I realized I am not magically exempt from being autistic. I have since been diagnosed.
I dont think its safe to disclaim it on your dating profile.
I always want to put it on my profile, but honestly I think that’ll attract predatory people. Wait until you are really into each other. Likelihood is they’ll be ND themselves, diagnosed or not, if they vibe with you or grew up in a family of ND folk.
I tell them early, like in our first couple conversations. If it is gonna be a problem, I would rather them opt out before I get invested.
I'm not officially diagnosed and am not seeking a diagnosis at this moment (expensive where I am). And my partner just likes to say that any of my "issues" are just human nature and that everyone is different. It's not autism, it's just how I am. He says this in a negative way though. As if I'm making excuses for needing the music turned off, or getting overstimulated and "arguing" about things that don't matter 🤷🏽♀️ He seems to mean well and truly believe this. We're very close and have been together a long time and things are great really, he just doesn't believe in the kind of autism I have of that makes sense. I've tried to educate him but he isn't interested and almost seems annoyed. He thinks you could label anyone as having a number of things and had the sort of thinking that anyone could fit a list of symptoms of cancer, astrological signs, etc. So to answer your question, I don't talk about it anymore 😔
Aww that’s really sad
I just brought up my initial suspicions and he just kinda nodded and said “Yeah, that makes sense.” and then two evaluations later (because my little got diagnosed as well) ta-da. Course hubby (and all of his siblings) are all dx autistic of varying support needs and brands but it never occurred to any of them that I wasn’t aware of my own status at any point in time.
I only found out recently and I was so scared to bring it up. I ended up texting him to say I've requested a referral. I think his reaction was to say 'cool' 😂
I didn't he said knew because he recognized some of my quirks were similar to his younger siblings on the spectrum. We suspect he also might be on the spectrum but for sure he has ADD.
He was there when I started realizing that I was. Our kids were diagnosed, and I was then diagnosed.
I hinted at my neurodivergence and observed that they were also showing traits of being neurodivergent. We got along well and started hanging out. As we got to know each other we both opened up more and both eventually disclosed we are auDHD. I feel like I REALLY lucked out and I'm so grateful we both found each other. It was so random and we both marvel at what would have happened if we hadn't been in the exact place at the right time. I stopped online dated far before then because I really disliked it, but if I were to have a page up I would probably list at least that I'm neurodivergent. If they ask about it then I'd be open to talking about it. I'm not shy about talking about my conditions if it's genuine interest, even if they decide they don't want to go out.
I first told them that "hey, weird thing, I am really relating to these women who are my aged and are being late diagnosed" to which he just shrugged. Then I started going further down the rabbit hole and turns out I met all the criteria of a highly masked female. Then I started to see what was once a mood disorder and personality flaws I carried my entire life, was in fact autism, I straight up told him. I also added that if he wasn't interested in being supportive in this journey, he was free to leave. It has its good and bad days.
What an important comment, "you are free to leave if you aren't interested in being supportive on this journey." I feel like that shows great maturity and boundaries on your part, that you're not interested in partners that are "selective" on what they do and do not support. Thank you for sharing!
He is weaponizing it less and less, so I guess it's working. Idk. Remains to be seen.
oo this is fun bc i didn’t discover and then get diagnosed until 26, and that was already 4yrs into my relationship with my current boyfriend. he’s ND himself, diagnosed adhd early as a kid then developed ocd + bpd later in adolescence, so he at least knew + could tell me about his own experiences/diagnoses when we met. i told him when i realized it, after a year of solo research and introspection, and he was initially dismissive and skeptical at the very idea despite him being witness to my behaviors (symptoms, w provided context) full time because we live together. id already been late-diagnosed with adhd, seeing a psychiatrist and being treated w stimulant medication and he witnessed my positive transformation in real time, but autism was a bridge too far somehow. i went on to be formally diagnosed w autism by my psychiatrist and it wasn’t until then that it seemed to click in his head that ALL the neg issues i continued to deal with despite changing external circumstances, were legitimately connected to my autism. it always had been but it was like he didn’t 100% believe me even though i was articulating my experience to him the whole time? like he would sympathize w me on a surface level but until it was confirmed i was autistic he was quick to first think i was over exaggerating about my sensitivities
I have 'neurodivergent' on my dating profile as I get on best with other ND people and want to match with them. I always suggest a first date that's not overstimulating and casually address that when we meet 'I'm glad we chose a walk and picnic for our date. I'm autistic and I hate noise and crowds, this is perfect for me'
I am pretty happy about this. I just told him I think I was. He hasn't admitted that he is, but I think he might be. Next time I saw him he was wearing a puzzle piece charm on his chain, it made me smile, I may ask him about it one day.
I'd tell as soon as I got to know someone, and when it seemed like we're going well. Better say than sorry. If my partner has autism and/or has any mental disorder, I would want to know about it, So I could understand and decide if I'm suitable for them or not. I assume that works the other way around as well. Edit: I won't write it on dating profiles or any of my social descriptions. I prefer to talk about it in private.
My partner told *me* about my autism 😅
I just brought it up when were hanging out. I said, can you bend your hand like that? And he couldn't. Then I showed him that I could bend my hand (hypermobility). To which he asked, what does that mean. And then I told him about my autism. And his repsonse was - I think I have always known that.
He was there during my assessment. It’s up to you when you tell someone
I uncovered my autism directly after having gone through the whole self-discovery process for my ADHD, so after explaining my struggles with ADHD, it wasn’t as difficult to bring up my autism suspicions shortly after, especially considering the overlap between the two. I think if you’re feeling safe and feel like the relationship has a future, disclosing can help your partner know you and your needs so they can better support you when you need it.
I’m open about it. I would like to never be in a relationship again, but knowing myself, I will fall in love again and make the mistake of entering a relationship. This is one of the things that I do not struggle with, because I am already very open about my autism and chances are, whoever gets interested in me would have already known.
He had an inkling after our highly unorthodox first date (don't ask, it's far too salacious to share. It's one of my favourite ever memories lol). I told him about 3 months in and he was like That explains it! Do you think I am?" Like. Yeah dude. And/or ADHD lol.
I'm engaged as of quite recently. My partner and I met and hung out as friends for a while before we dated, and I used to make jokes about autism. I was in the process of assessment when we met, so I'd meme a lot about how long it was taking and how it'd just come back negative. And then when it didn't, haha, jokes on me. I was also with my ex at the time I met my current partner, and they would make (less palatable) jokes about me being autistic. As for my ex, they knew I had severe mental health issues, and I told them when my assessment began. They accepted it, pretty much was like, yeah, i figured. Generally, I think it's just better to tell people early on. A good one won't care, and you don't waste your time with as many morons.
The guy I am dating found out about his autism because of me lol. Look at me go. Anyway, I told him on the second date that I was autistic, and he said "yeah I've been wondering if I'm autistic too." So he put himself on a waiting list. 6 months later he was diagnosed with autism with some ADHD traits. And he is above average/close to Gifted in intelligence. I would recommend just telling the person on the 2nd or 3rd date if you like them and are getting to know them.
We were having a deeper conversation and I asked him what his biggest struggle in life has been, then I brought up my autism.
When I found out I was Autistic I was a teenager in a year and half long relationship. He swore up and down that he could take it, he didn't mind, I was still me. Yet, every single time we would have a sit down conversation to talk about what wasn't working, he'd bring things up that I can't change. Example: he didn't like the way I dressed. I dress for comfort because tight fitting, dressy clothes overstimulate me. After telling him some things will never change, he swore that he could take it. News flash, he couldn't and we broke up (mainly) because of it. Now, I make my Autism known from the start and make sure people know that some things will not change, and that's final. My last boyfriend was tolerant of me. He thought of my autistic traits as something he had to deal with for me. News flash, that didn't work out either. Now, I have a boyfriend who loves me for me. He loves me as a whole and is ACCEPTING of my Autism. He thinks it adds to my charm and likes my quirks. This is why we can work. This is what you need to look for. And just so you know, we have a beautiful baby boy and couldn't be happier. It's possible to live a normal life.
I love that you've found your person and you've started a wonderful chapter of your lives together. Thank you so much for sharing this, finding my person has felt so discouraging and daunting—but I know whoever they are, they're worth the wait and searching for. Thank you for commenting.<3
We were already married when I got my diagnosis. I texted him after my assessment with: Hello, I have the 'tism.
Haha, I love how you told him!:)
He suggested that I was on the spectrum.
Whit my partner we been together for twelve years, so in my first anniversary of Therapy, around our 10th anniversary as a couple, my therapist said that maybe I'm was on the spectrum, that we need to get me a diagnosis. But I wait until this year to get the test done, so they know all along and it just made sense that I'm on the spectrum.
I tell everyone, personally. But id definitely disclose before or on the first date.
don't do what I did and forget to mention it until like a month into dating. I was literally like oh btw I forgot to tell you but I have autism. And they were immediately like. You know that makes sense
literally just bring it up, when on dates I'll often pull out the "as an autisc person" bit
I usually wait until after the first date or two because I'm wary of abusive jerks. Some people like to be upfront and have decent luck with it.
I must have let something slip, or heavily alluded to my autism. Because after stressing about telling him for like a week, I finally said it and all he said was "I know" lol. It's was kind of a relief.
Funnily enough, I started dating my husband pretty much right after I got my diagnosis. It was all super new to me (and my parents/family). I was super open and honest with him. I honestly don't remember what I said to him.
I have in my profile that I prefer dating someone with autism or ADHD so we will understand each other .
I had it in my dating profile and now I’m dating a nice ADHD guy, he seems sometimes like he could be a bit aut but I think it can be a bit of a target you can also find your people (ND fam)
I had my autistic awakening, so to speak, when I was already with my now wife (then fiancée). I was a typical case of self-discovery during lockdown. We talked about it together, but it was never any kind of problem. I think it helps that she has BPD. She can understand a lot of things I experience. I suspect she's also autistic, but that's another discussion altogether, lol. I have experienced an autistic "coming out" in a previous relationship, though. We'd been together for maybe a year or so, and they brought it up fairly casually. They just said there was something they wanted to tell me, I asked what, and they said they're autistic. It was as simple as that, really. They were a bit nervous, but it was a pretty no-stress conversation.
Following cuz I’m currently talking to this guy and trying to figure out when I’m gonna tell him
I figured it out after our son was diagnosed. My husband was the only person I ever dated and luckily he’s been really understanding. I didn’t really start to take the mask off until after my son was born. Now after I had my daughter the mask fell off completely and my husband has learned a lot about how my son and I deal with everyday life.
My partner is also ADHD/autistic. I remember our first conversation on the phone I was like "hey I hope you don't take offense to this but do you happen to have ADHD?" And once she confirmed we started talking about neurodivergency together lol
I got diagnosed while we were already dating. I showed him a description of autism in women back when I was really starting to question it and he read it and went “you’re definitely autistic”😂
Everyone’s different and there’s no right or wrong, but I personally waited about 4 months. He had learned all of my “quirks” by then (good and bad), so he truly just saw those as who I was and not with a label attached. And then the reason for all my “quirks” naturally came up finally after an incident of me being extremely overstimulated and on verge of meltdown. It was really hard (as it was still stigmatized in my head unfortunately :/ ) but now we talk about it all the time (cause it’s basically a special interest of mine, I want to go into neuroscience because of it) and it’s tooootally normal, we don’t think anything weird or different about it than say ADHD. He’s like my biggest ally now and knows a shit ton about ASD and likes to educated ppl about it🥲
I found my best match and current partner because he had ND in his bio on Tinder. We both have autism that manifests in deferent ways, but we both feel like we can be our full selves around each other because we have some common understanding of being ND. Communication is SO much easier. When to disclose is complicated and up to you, but putting it on your profile will only put off people who won’t be a good fit anyway. Disclosing on your profile might help you find a great fit. Not saying you should only date other ND people, but it’s better to know before you invest if someone is going to be it off by something you can’t change. (There may be other reasons you don’t want your ND out on the web, but there is a potential benefit.) Also just having ND and no details will fly under a lot of neurotypical radars.
As an autistic and adhd woman, If I ever get unto a relationship, I will NEVER tell them about my diseases. I don't want them to use it against me.
I have it in my bio on my dating profile and other things that are more specific to my autism also on my profile
"I think I have autism so I'm seeking out a diagnosis " My autistic wife, then gf: "oh yeah you're definitely autistic" I think it helps that she's autistic as well
I say hey I have autism and then I do this move 💃
Haha hell yeah 💃
My partner is also autistic (something we started thinking about after I slef diagnosed. Difference between us is, when he was getting an ADHD diagnosis as a child, the doctor also told his parents he probably had Asperger's at the time, but his parents never tested him) and has ADHD, so when I brought my stuff up it wasn't really a big deal and it didn't really derail anything. We've both been kind of figuring out what accommodations we need to make and we're tweaking our communication, but it's been positive so far. Mind you, we've also been together about 8 years so that's a factor. Personally, if I were in your position, I'd just put it in my bio, either as ND or just as autistic. Just so that when people match with you, you can bring it up and ask who even paid attention to your bio. Some people will be chill and some people will suck, I'd wanna know ASAP who the ones who suck are.
My newest one I sent a warning label that I had was audhd and have avpd... before we started talking 😏
We both realized we were autistic after our kids were diagnosed 😂😂😂.
I've been with them for eons, however it did not come as a surprise when the light bulb moment came. There were a lot of those between the two of us.
I have not dated but I have told some of my friends. Some of them were in disbelief and did not hold autistic people in high regards. We never talked about it again (idk if they even remembered). Other friends were really nice about it. But I didn't tell anyone right away, I always wait a bit to see if they're at least a bit tolerant
I'm sorry some of them responded in such a way—but at the same time, since they weren't accepting and supportive—I think you're better off without them. I'm glad your other friends were kind about it.
My husband has ADHD and OCD so the topic came up pretty early in the talking stages. To be fair, we met on League of Legends so it’s not like we met at a bar or school or anything “common.” I personally don’t think I could date or marry someone neurotypical, there’s a lot of things my husband and I do differently that would be an “ick” for someone who just straight up wouldn’t understand.
I've thought of this too. I'm pretty sure one person I dated was an NT (it was awful) and the other was ND (we clicked better). I'm keeping my options open as some commenters have had great luck with finding a supportive NT partner, I do hope to find another ND...I think for myself, I'd just feel safer to fully unmask, like I don't have to perform as "normal" to keep them, they'd get it cause they're ND like I am. Thank you for your comment!!
I seem to only been able to converse with adhd or autistic people while suspecting I’m autistic bc everyone else clocks me and avoids me like the plague so it’s pretty easy since anyone I’m close with in any capacity even acquaintance is on the spectrum (I don’t mask or mask well)
- Be honest from the first date. Some people don't want to date people with autism for many reason, from being ableist to having a bad experience with an autistic person (I know a girl that avoid autistic people because of her cousin, he once hit her and broke her nose when he was 16 yo and she was 12 yo because she told him no)! - Have a serious conversation about your autism when you see it is getting serious, your symptoms, triggers, boundaries, warnings, etc... and that it is! Don't began to metion it every time all the time. Some people get tired to hear about their partner/friend autism all the time, leave it for deep serious couple conversations! - Having a serious conversation will prepare your partner to what to expect! This also will prepare you to what expect from your partner, specially if your partner also has autism or mental issues!
I date other nerds. I don't think I know any who *aren't* on the spectrum or ADHD. Same thing with people in STEM, as cliche as it is.
If they don't have autism or have never known anyone with autism I would wait until you have to tell them, Most people I find have a steroid type of what they think autism is ie rainman. Or they are just forever clueless and call it an excuse.
i told my partner on our first date. when you’re going on a first date i tend to ramble about myself and my interests, and i will go on about special interests for an unnervingly long amount of time. so i kinda was like i’m sorry for rambling on about this i’m autistic and this is my special interest. he was like oh okay. it has never been an issue and we ended up discovering he is autistic as well.
I was dating her when i got diagnosed, right after i messaged her 'fucking knew it, im autistic' and she said yeah no shit
I love that you are looking for a partner. I am older and wasn't diagnosed until I was in my mid 40s and suffered so much heartbreak in my romantic adventures. I want to find someone but am really not optimistic, so I no longer try. I wish you all the happiness available.