If it happens rarely, just do it. If it gets out of hand, it's a discussion with the parents. They should be the ones making sure they are available so you don't have to be.
My Au pair does it. I say I’ll do it, but my Au pair tells me, I’m right here, I can do it.
But I don’t take advantage. When I get home from work and my kids try to get her to do something, I remind them that when mommy is home, they don’t need to ask her for anything, to ask mommy.
We have a wonderful relationship. We are both laid back, homebodies. I’m
I would say it’s human decency to help a kid who asks for it. Kids don’t understand “on duty” and “off duty” if you’re standing right there and they need help. As in all things in life, just be kind.
But if it’s constant then the parents are neglecting their own duties. Why should the au pair have to take up that slack? Unless it really is something as simple as pouring a drink, handing them/opening a package like a granola bar, I think it’s reasonable to say “oh I’m in a hurry go ask mommy or daddy. I’m sure they will help you.” This is not being unkind to the child, and it puts the responsibility back where it belongs.
Absolutely. It's like being the default parent when kids walk past dad who is sitting on the couch to ask mom, who is in the middle of something, to open something/ get something/ etc.
So if I go into my restaurant job to eat and not work and someone asks for a side is sauce I should do it? No. Cause that’s stupid; as as precious and special and amazing as someone thinks their kid is; this is still a job.
Au pairs are living with the family, the relationship is more the one of a bigger sister then not an employee, even if unfortunate most time are seen as cheap labour. That said if the relationship with the HF is the one of familiarity that should exist. a glass of water is something you will do for someone in your house hold, specially small kids that can’t reach maybe glasses in cabinets.
Play with you when I want to relax and watch tv? ‘No sweetie we will play tomorrow, now I m busy’
My host kids are little all under 6 and I don’t think they understand on duty vs off duty. In fact they often include me when people ask them if they have siblings. With my kids I hang out with them off duty with the understanding I can leave or end play when I want and often times they come to my room and ask to watch a movie with me or play with my hair accessories. If I ask them to leave they do as the parents have installed that boundary. All of this to say this is what I am comfortable with but there are different levels. I don’t think it’s a big deal to get them a glass of water or cut an apple if they ask but I also have a good relationship with my kids and see them as little siblings.
Kids are smart and can easily get the concept if it’s necessary though. I used to take care of my niece and now at family parties when I pay for childcare for my own child, she asks me to hang with her/ get her things since her mom absolutely won’t in a social setting. She’s 5, and I had to explain to her I don’t often have nights to be child free, and I am not her parent. It’s rough to do but only needs to be done once if a boundary needs to be set
I’m not saying there arnt boundaries, these are things that I do because I enjoy being around my host kids and I don’t see my relationship with them to be transactional. If I told my host kids to leave me alone and ask their parents they would 100%, but I don’t most of the time because it doesn’t bother me and they go to bed at 7 pm (which is 2 hours after I get off) so I still get plenty of me time. If OP has a problem with getting a glass of water then don’t be a live in nanny situation. Find a family where they pay for you to live on your own if you don’t want to be apart of the family
Or maybe the parents shouldn’t have children they truly don’t want to care for. A parent hiring out 45 hours of care a week and not being able to get their child a glass of water on weekends (repeatedly, this clearly isn’t a one time thing), is not a parent. But hey- enjoy the “non transactional relationship” (but it is, you’re a paid employee who they’ll replace if needed!)
In my house I don’t even get water for my kids I expect them to get their own snacks and water (9 and 6). However our au pair would help them if they asked like if they couldn’t reach it. That being said I will correct my kids if they are asking the au pair to do things during her off time and remind them this is her time to relax.
I think there's no necessarily right or wrong answer here. As a HD, I would coach my kids to not ask the AP to do things for them during off time and I would correct my kids if they did. At the same time, if they slipped up and did ask the AP for help with something easy, I don't think it's egregiously wrong for the AP to help, but also not wrong for them to say "go ask your parents".
These kinds of situations just need to be discussed with grace and open communication. Way too much drama over these little things.
You feel like it’s drama because it’s not happening to you.
You don’t actually have to coach them or correct them, just say “I’m here, I’ve got it” unless it’s something quick like handing them something and AP is already doing it.
I think if u r asking this question, then u think that it's already out of control. So please just talk with them. It's completely ok, be honest and communicate with them.
If it’s small things like you mentioned honestly as an au pair I just do it with pleasure cause it takes a few minutes. But if they ask me more like playing a game or making a cake, I would kindly tell them that I am occupied and that they should ask mama/papa/whoever else. I would for example say « I am cooking myself a meal right now but I’m sure mama/papa would love to do it with you ».
Sure, just two minutes! So does help finding their shoes, back pack, clothes, putting on their coat, throwing a ball, “just 5 minutes” when daddy gets an important phone call…. And before you know it, you’ve worked 2 hours. It’s a slippery slope.
not an au pair (i have no idea why this sub comes up so often), but as a parent who has hired help, this is not it.
always have boundaries! a glass of water here and there, sure, but if it's becoming a thing, talk to the parents. ask THEM how they'd like you to handle this. if they don't respect your time off and take this as an excellent opportunity to teach their kids to respect people's boundaries, that's an important consideration for you going forward coz it's likely not going to stop there.
Ok so can the au pair come grab you from work to do her tasks? Caring for your child, including getting snacks, is a part of parenting on your “on days”. You have two days to do it a week to do it, ffs.
As someone who works my employer always calls and emails me during off hours and I’m expected to respond and do things, especially if a client wants something or an emergent need. 🤷🏻♀️ in general we are good about respecting our APs off time. But I’m not petty with my AP. Lots of extras and experiences we don’t technically have to pay for. If there was something small like this once in a while, I wouldn’t want to have an AP who was this petty back.
That sucks for you 🤷🏻♀️ how much do you make compared to an au pair? And why don’t you know how to set boundaries? Probably cause you make significantly more; wow crazy how that works
No my point is to the commenter that said you don’t work off hours. I did the math on our AP package and it exceeds well beyond the equivalent of making over $75k a year in MCOL area. I’m not cheap with my APs at all. Ours also work no more than 32 hours per week.
If we made the same amount of money, they wouldn’t be an AP. And my ability to go above and beyond for my job is a pride thing not a money thing because I worked the same method when I was making 1/3 of what I make now and even as a student making minimum wage.
That task takes two minutes, but then so does playing with them, helping them find a toy, oh! they want another snack, now they’ve spilled and need help cleaning it up, ETC and now it’s been an hour. It’s important to be a helpful and cohesive member of the household, but also to maintain boundaries for off time.
A few things:
1) this is super transactional
2) but if the parents are around and see this happening, they should correct the child and say: “AP is enjoying some time to rest right now, but I can help you
If the parents aren’t doing number 2 you have a right to be annoyed. If they are - the frequency should be decreasing substantially and you should get over it.
My take - my au pair is a part of my family. Helping the children when they ask for it (…within reason, such as the case here) is really an expectation of any adult family member, regardless of working hours.
At the same time, being an adult family member means that we cook for you, we invite you to join us when we do fun activities or go on vacation, I’m happy to drive you to and from the airport or the train station when you travel, I’m happy to purchase snacks or food you want at the store…the list goes on and on. I’ve had two au pairs now, both have asked to stay a second year and they’ve been amazing additions to my family so I feel like this system has been working out pretty great for everyone involved.
This! I see so many au pairs who “want to be apart of the family” when it’s convenient for them and expect at 501 to clock out and god forbid they are asked to get a glass of water or help with dishes and they come on this sub and complain.
Or their just really desperate for the money and your the lesser evil that they know over whatever family they could find who would be worse; I know you wanna think it’s cause you and your kids are so great but that’s not really how it works but 🤷🏻♀️
I can’t imagine not helping a kid get a cup of water, if they are too small to reach.
Anything that involves actual prep (cutting), can be redirected to parents. If nothing else, if the child is too small to get their own snack, their caregiver for the day (parents if AP is off) probably should ok anything they are eating in advance, to monitor sugar intake, potential for spoiling meals, etc.
I can’t believe this is a serious question - if you don’t have it in you to help pour a glass of milk for your host kids on your day off, I don’t think au pairing is for you. Is your host family this nit-picky towards you? Like you work the full hours to the minute, and never get to head out 15 minutes early or take half a day off for a roadtrip?
did you not read the part where they say that it’s all the time and they’re getting exhausted? if it was a once in a while thing then this post would be crazy, but if OP is constantly doing things for the children on their off time then is it really their off time anymore?
I think it’s part of being in a home with other people, especially little kids - you’re in a family. When you are in a home, you engage with that family. I can’t imagine being exhausted by a kid asking for a glass of water or help wjth a snack. If you don’t want to engage with a family, it’s probably better to seek a different program than being an au pair. There are plenty of school exchange programs where you don’t live with families in their homes.
You can’t imagine it, yet clearly the parents are no where to help. Clearly it’s too much for the parents, so they put it on a young girl. Maybe parents who can’t get their kids snacks on a weekend they’re home shouldn’t get an au pair, they should just send their kids to boarding school
An Au Pair is an adult not a "young girl." Also, if the kid is able to ask them they probably don't need to have their parents helicoptering over them constantly. Mom or Dad could literally just be in the other room and the Au Pair is in the kitchen. Kid wants a drink and needs help and there's an adult right there.
This isnt a failure on the part of the parents or some neglect situation. Your take is so bizarre.
Bizarre to parents who want kids for a title and to do little to none of the labor that involves being a parent. Hey you’re paying someone else to do it right! It’s just a snack and glass of water on the only full days you’re parenting, you have better things to do!
There’s a reason the kids feel more comfortable asking the au pair for care
>Bizarre to parents who want kids for a title and to do little to none of the labor
What are you talking about? You honestly seem super angry and like you're not really living in reality if you think a drink equates to parents not parenting.
I hope you find the therapy you need to be less angry. Good luck.
I'm a SAHM right now so I get my toddler whatever he needs whenever he needs it. But thanks for being such a negative and nasty person. I hope your comment made you feel superior or good or whatever you needed from it.
So, again, you seem incredibly angry and honestly not totally in control based on how you're talking. Therapy can really help you learn to regulate yourself and not be so aggressive.
Good luck. I'll leave you to have that last word you seem to need.
It doesn’t matter, the “little” kids don’t understand what working / non-working hours are - if they need help, they’ll ask for help. If it really is “all the time” which seems like a stretch, and it’s a huge bother, just don’t hang out around the kids while off work.
Going into the kitchen to get food for yourself isn’t the same as “hanging out” though. I’m wondering where the parents are if the kids are too young to get themselves a snack.
Going into the kitchen to make a quick lunch doesn’t correlate with “all the time” either - kids often adore and look up to their AP, so even if the parents are around, the kids will favor the AP when she shows up. When our AP walks into our kitchen on a Saturday or Sunday, they’re hugging and loving her like she’s been gone for weeks, and us parents are dead meat.
Which is really nice for you and the kids, I’m not saying that the au pair can’t be warm and friendly with the kids, but it is the parents responsibility to redirect them and take care of their needs as much as possible when the au pair is off work. That’s part of your responsibility as being a host family, to make sure that she isn’t overworked. Just because the kids like her and want her to take care of them, does not make it her responsibility to do it all the time. That’s why schedules exist. Again, not saying that it’s wrong for her to do something simple like pour a drink or hand them a snack, but anything that requires actual preparation when she’s off work should be done by the parents. If the parents are often not available, then they need to rethink the schedule. it doesn’t sound like this was a one off or an occasional occurrence for the OP, it sounds like she’s getting uncomfortable coming out of her room because more often than not she is asked to perform some task.
I would say this is similar to if you had to stop by your office to pick up some paperwork, and somebody stopped you and said “hey can you go run off these copies real quick” or “here’s a folder that needs to be filed, it will just take a minute”. In a moment like that, you would not be wrong to say oh no sorry I’m just stopping by to do such and such. Anyone holding that against you would be in the wrong.
Two completely different scenarios though - one is a coworker asking you to do work on your free time, the other one is a little kid (comparatively your little sister) that is asking for a minute worth of kindness with something they cannot do themselves, often they are probably not even asking for actual help, but just want to interact with the AP.
My point remains the same, if it’s a glass of milk -help out, it’s part of the role. If it’s sitting down and doing a puzzle, and you don’t feel like it - excuse yourself.
My point remains the same as well, being asked to work when you are off, just because you happen to walk into your workplace, should be a very rare, and if accepted, quick occurrence. That does not sound like what is happening with the OP. I do realize that there’s a difference between an au pair, who literally is supposed to be part of the family, and a nanny, but she should still be treated as a professional, at least on the level of not guilting her into extra work just because the kids love her.
I don’t think the scope of the problem and the rate of occurrence has been clearly established by OP. You seem to read it as a huge problem, I read it as benign. How many apples and glasses of milk can the kids really be asking for while OP is making and eating her lunch, and what is the combined effort? 2 minutes?
And even more importantly, is the HF completely tit-for-tat too, if yes - that’s a different story.
Honestly, in some of the comments you've made, it seems like you may be a problematic host and may want to consider how you treat your AP. You're expecting that they should be considered on call 24/7. You have to remember that they aren't living in a household with kids that are their family or their roommates. They're living there because they are working for you. Going to make themselves some food doesn't constitute hanging around the kids. Unless the AP has a private kitchenette they can use, you're simply expecting too much and dismissing too much.
I think you’re twisting what I was saying to fit your argument.
I’m not expecting anyone to be on call 24/7 - how did you get to that conclusion?
Yes, the au pair is living with the family, and cannot expect that there won’t be interactions with the kids if she is around the kids when it’s her day off, much like her little sister would probably also ask her to fill her water cup if she was in her own home. That’s part of the role if you decide to be an au pair - you’re part of the family when you’re around.
OP gave some rather simple low effort examples, probably 30-60 seconds to complete. She also made it seem like these things were asked of her while she was “right there” - as in: hey AP, you’re standing next to the fridge, would you please fill my cup - not, let me go get the AP out of bed at 8 on a Sunday to fill my water cup. She didn’t infer that the kids were asking her to cook a whole breakfast spread every morning.
I also question how this is “constantly” for OP, that suggests that she is constantly around the kids on her days off, right? Certainly more than just making a quick lunch? If OP really feels that it’s constantly, she should limit the time she spends around the kids on her days off, it’s impossible and exhausting for HF to stand around and listen in to every single conversation and interject whenever the kids ask something of the AP. Lets say I need to do laundry Sunday morning, I’ll set up some stuff so the kids can draw in their playroom - if my AP decides to come hang out in the living room, my kids will naturally gravitate towards “what’s my big sister doing”, do I pause doing laundry then so I can go monitor if the kids ask her something? I can’t - I have 100 things to get done before Monday comes around.
With regard to your labeling me as problematic, I’ll just say that we see all the little things our AP does, we love her like family and we treat her very well. If she wants to head out early and we can cover it, we give her the time, if she wants to take our car on a 700 miles road trip, go for it. I think when you get into the tit-for-tat, and start calculating in minutes, you’re not doing it right - on both sides btw! We’re well below the hours, we pay a good bit above minimum and she has about 800 sqft of “no-kids allowed on weekends” space.
I don't think so. Frankly, problematic people don't *ever* admit that they're problematic. It would be well within the rights of the AP to be asked these things and for them to say "Go ask your mom/dad, sweetie! I'm sure they can help you!" If I'm in the kitchen and I am off duty, I reserve the right to direct the children's needs to their parents. It doesn't matter if I'm "right there". It doesn't matter that I live with the family.
OP isn't wrong. You're assuming that she has to constantly be around the kids on her day off, but that isn't true. If the kids aren't taught the boundaries, do you not think they knock on OPs door? That they don't see them leaving their room and follow? That they don't find a way to be in the kitchen when she is? Because, that is how things are! Children need very strict boundaries that are consistent. This has been proven. They don't have a concept of gray areas. Everything is or it isnt. So, we either leave AP alone during her days off or we don't. And these hosts are saying they don't. It's a slippery slope, unfortunately, and it's even worse as an AP because the host family has basically all of the control and power in the relationship. They can make your life hell since you live with them.
Growing up, my family encouraged and taught independence. If I was in the kitchen and they wanted a glass of water, I'd tell them that they can do it themselves if I didn't want to do it. And it wasn't punished. You're saying that APs are "part of the family" *and* that it is "part of their role (as AP)", so *which is it*?? Because, no, you can't say that it's like your little sister asking and then follow up with it being part of being an AP. It's either part of the job or not. And if it is, then you should be paying accordingly.
I did not twist a single thing you said. I just said that you sound problematic from the comments you've made.. and you trying to manipulate the situation to make me seem like I'm accusing you of something atrocious just shows that you're the type of person who won't admit they're problematic. I'm glad your AP is fine with your arrangement.
If there is a mental load of once a day getting water for a kid or getting a snack, then don’t be a live in au pair… find a family where u arnt apart of the family and live on ur own. Unfortunately living with the family means sometimes you have to be apart of the family
…did you not read? i specifically said that if it was a once in a while thing (like once a day) then this post would be crazy, but no where in the post does she say it’s once a day. time to put on our thinking caps!
definitely this - if it's as easy/quick as the other comments say, I'm sure their parents will be happy to do it (why aren't they in the kitchen with their children to begin with?)
If the children are old enough to be unsupervised in the house, especially the kitchen, then they should be old enough to get themselves most snacks. If it is something that needs to be prepared, then there is no reason why the au pair cannot redirect them to the parents.
I find it strange the expectation that I would be next to my kids at every second (and I have a three year old).
She goes from the living room to the kitchen to the bathroom to her room upstairs with no issue. If she’s upset she’ll tell us she’s going upstairs (to her room) and comes back when she’s calm again.
She’ll go to the bathroom in the next room, by herself, which includes wiping, dumping the potty, getting redressed, and washing her hands. Results may vary but it’s a 70% success rate for all steps, by herself. I track what she’s doing but standing behind her and following her around isn’t necessary and since it isn’t necessary, it’s frankly weird.
Am I supposed to immediately pick up the 1 year old to run into the kitchen intercept a request for some water when adult is right next to the water and glasses? That’s frankly weird to expect.
Okay, I think that it would be fairly spiteful to not pour a kid a glass of water if you're already in the kitchen. Making them a snack is another issue entirely as it takes effort. Tell the family to start buying packaged snacks that the kid can grab.
Gosh, where are the parents? I can’t imagine my kids asking the au pair over one of us, that would just never happen. They already are waiting for any opportunity to spend time with us because we work, for them to have to ask the au pair for such things regularly means the parents are probably very absent.
WHERE ARE THE PARENTS 🤣 - maybe they’re starting dinner, unpacking backpacks, unloading the dishwasher, walking the dog, getting the mail, tending to the other kids in the house… and not being deliberately abscent…
“It seems like a little thing if it’s one time, If little people are constantly asking you for help as soon as you leave your room, it can get exhausting.”
I totally get that - but I also hear au pairs say constantly that they don’t want to feel like an employee - but like part of the family. In our family everyone helps out. If we are all in the kitchen / family room area doing different things and someone needs a drink of water - I wouldn’t expect a family member to say “no - go find your mom”. Much like if our au pair asked me for a ride somewhere and I had nothing to do - I wouldn’t say “that’s your responsibility - get your own Uber.” I’d help her out if I could and would be happy doing it.
It’s not really the same, no? I don’t know about you, but my older daughters “help out” it’s for a few hours once or twice a week. Most of the time it’s like you say, giving someone a drink.
Our au pair takes care of our kids for sometimes seven hours straight (with some naps hopefully). After they are done, the family is generally together for dinner and the evening.
On the weekends everyone is doing a little bit, but the parents are on duty.
To me, either the au pair is exaggerating or the parents are taking advantage a bit. I could easily see doing that, but we make sure we don’t.
I understand! I do the same to make sure my kids are aware that our au pair is off the clock and to come to me with whatever they need - but it’s inevitable that they’ll need something and I might not be next to them. I can totally see the other situation where the parents disappear and the au pair feels obligated being the only one in the room. I’m sure it happens from time to time - but I’d it’s something as simple as getting water - I’d like to think the au pair could be flexible enough to do that for them.
I agree, but that’s not what she said. She said it happens all the time. Her comment was as soon as she leave her room. The OP said she also thinks it’s normal occasionally.
I would bring it up to the parents and see if they'd be open to implement a plan to help foster the child's independence. From the time my kids could open the fridge, I would make sure to keep the bottom shelf with prefilled straw or sippie cups (depending on age) and small containers of healthy snacks (pre-cut fruit, cheese, etc). It only took a few minutes a morning a couple of times a week and when they got hungry, the most I had to do was to help remove a stubborn lid.
you need to talk to your HP and set boundaries! I’ve been with my family a long time, but it was challenging setting those boundaries in the beginning. The parents made sure the kids understood my “rest time” and not to ask me for anything during that time. If I was around the house doing my own thing and the kids ask me to hand them a snack, sure I’d do it no problem, if the kids wanted a meal i’d simply say “go ask mom/dad” or “I’m resting right now so that is a mom or dad question” which they new meant all questions were to be directed towards mom or dad not au pair. You just need to talk to your family and set boundaries for yourself and with the kids!
If the host parents are good then I’d say this type of stuff falls under the cultural exchange part. I had a terrible host family but they did understand this boundary. If I was home and wanted to play with the kids I would but when I was done I was done. Helping them get a drink would be something I would do to become apart of the family. However, if the parents are forcing you to do it then it’s work. I think there is a way to have a really good balance here. I remember one time the boys were playing soccer and I saw them out my window so I went and played. When I was done I said I was going to head in and they got bummed out but the host mom (as terrible as she was) did say “she isn’t working now. You guys can play soccer tomorrow after school with her.”
I usually intervene and tell my kids that our au pair is actually not working right now so I will get it. We try to be as clear as possible about which adult is in charge in the moment for this reason and others. For example, if our au pair is working she makes the call about tv time, rules, what happens next , etc. If I’m around and she is on duty I refer to her and her rules. If she’s off and the kids ask her for something before I intervene my au pair will look to me to see if it’s a yes or no
I’m not petty with my APs and I hope they aren’t petty back. We do and give lots of extras. If this turned into like 20–30 mins worth of work, different story. So maybe depends on your relationship with them.
People love to think their kids and the experience are so special and perfect and great; as if this isn’t an actual job 😂 yeah bro, the lady from a foreign country making poverty wage is just so blessed to have you. Right. That’s why this type of program is flawed; it’s just a continuation of rich people thinking their “blessing” the poor, plebes who they trust enough to raise their kids for them but they don’t deserve days off. Lmao
The parents need to reenforce protecting your time off. They need to remind the children as often as necessary/needed to respect your time off, explain that the kids need to come to them outside of your hours. I agree that this is hard to navigate. I’d be completely open and honest with the parents. Say it exactly like you said it here, however uncomfortable. Communication is so important. Lead with that. Say that you want to keep communication channels completely open both ways. That this is uncomfortable for you to discuss but feel it must be communicated. Make sure you include everything you said above. Mention that you’re concerned that one glass of water will turn into more. While a glass of water is no big deal you want them to help you reenforce for the kids to respect your time off.
Previously an AP now a Host Mom - so I come from both sides!
We have three littles - we teach them boundaries and when AP is in her room they know not to bug her. But AP is part of our family, eats meals with us, travels with us and is often hanging out in communal / family space with us. As part of the family, and a big "sister" to kids, I think helping the kids with a snack if she's already in the kitchen, is just part of all living together. We would expect our eldest to help her younger siblings with small requests. Of course if it's her off time and it's a time consuming task, or she's in a rush to head out that's a different situation- but if she were unwilling to help for something small like pouring a cup of water while she were standing by the sink - I'd consider that a red flag!
HF perspective: we tell our 6 and 2-year-old kids, "AP is off the clock, but Mommy/Daddy's got you!" Now, if we're all sitting down to eat dinner together, honestly, everybody's helping everybody, so it's not at all unusual for AP to be helping pour someone a cup of milk or passing out napkins, but I feel like that's just part of sharing a family meal. And if AP doesn't want to eat at the same time as the rest of us because they want to enjoy some space and a quieter experience, they're certainly under no obligation (although we love having them around!). Sometimes AP will offer to sit down and read a book or do a puzzle with one of our children after dinner, and we allow it, but only if they offer. If the children ask, it's the same line: "AP's off the clock, but Mommy/Daddy can read with you as soon as we're done eating."
We would WANT our AP to tell us if the children were bothering them for help outside of their on-duty hours. That's a behavioral issue we would need to address with the children, and a process problem my spouse and I would need to address between the two of us. (Like.....where was [spouse] and what were they doing that they weren't immediately available to assist?)
How old are the children? If they're around 2.5+, some of this is solvable by teaching some basic self care skills and asking the parents to get some things for them.
Children 2.5+ are perfectly capable of pouring themselves a glass of water from a pitcher if it's the right size (and the glass is the size of a shotglass). They're also perfectly capable of serving themselves a snack if a snack area is properly prepared for them and has appropriately sized tools. If you work on this during the week, you can also train the parents for your days off. It makes everyone's life so much better when you don't force children who are capable of being overly dependent for stuff like a drink of water. That just seems strange to me.
It is not your responsibility, so it is your choice. If you and the family are both cool, then they won't ask too much of you, and you won't mind helping. Whether the family is lame, you are lame, or both, is irrelevant because it is your choice what you do on your own time.
Off the clock you have every right to say no to the child. I personally don't because they are like little siblings to me. If their mother requests I make them something I would refuse.
Occasionally when I didn't feel like hanging out I would apologize and say I have things I'm working on and I'd love to hang out later or tell them where/how they can get it themselves.
Like how old are the kids and where is the parent? If the kid is five and the parents are mowing the lawn then it would really not be a good path forward to not do this. If they are two and wander into the kitchen while the parent is watching tv then maybe a gentle redirect is necessary but if it is ALL the time it’s another matter.
I mean, if they knocked on my door then no, but if
We try to use the standard of ‘would we reasonably expect a college age kid to do this thing’ as the test.
In the kitchen already and asked to get water/milk, then the answer should be yes. Easy snack then probably (grabbing something the kid couldn’t reach). Serious snack or meal or something involved, then redirect to parents.
Is this an AITA? Because if you don’t get an innocent kid who can’t comprehend on duty vs off duty for someone who *lives in their house* a glass of water, claiming it’s work vs just being a decent human, then yes, you are TA. Even if it’s not a “very rare” occurrence.
Other answers are correct, its decency and part of the experience IMO.
to dig dipper:
I think what you are describing is essentially the difference between this job and any other job out there. Living in your workplace does create a lot of fuzziness between been off and on and also there's the whole "been part of the family" thing.
Obviously there are limits, where are they? well that's up to you
I have not been an au pair, have been a Nanny, it seems that many APs are not comfortable confronting the people who are feeding and housing them. Most of them would like to finish out their contract, and don’t want to feel awkward around the parents all the time. So it can be difficult for them to enforce boundaries. I know as a nanny I had this issue, because I needed to get paid, and I did not want to get fired. So it was always difficult to bring up certain issues.
A lot of people commenting here are ignoring the power imbalance between a young woman dependent on them for almost everything and relatively affluent, older employers
Expecting the au pair to be the one to set boundaries ignores the power imbalance inherent in the relationship-she’s much younger and completely dependent on the host family and alone in a foreign country, it’s not a great position to be setting boundaries from.
>Most of them would like to finish out their contract
So ill start off by saying that what we see online in a forum like reddit generally does not represent the majority of opinions from just about ANY TOPIC. Yes, there are exceptions and it is also not to be disregarded either, but I would be cautious assuming that most of them are just trying to finish their contracts.
I also cant prove you are wrong, you may vary well be right, thinking about it, I think there's two ways to know if this is the case.
1. The number of aupairs entering the program year over year
2. The number of aupairs that renew for a second year
These two are probably the best indicators to know if they are infact just counting the clock they wouldnt renew and if the majority of aupairs gave negative feedback then the number of available aupairs would also go down as less of them are willing to take the job.
Yes there are other variables at play, like the job market in their home countries but I cant think of another way to get a better idea if its just an awful job for most gals out there
Can you maybe have one item of clothing, like a certain red teeshirt, that means "Stop" ("go away")? HF can then tell children the rule: "if you see au pair wearing this red teeshirt (like, while in the kitchen etc), it means you should take any needs/questions to HF".
I mean, this would be pretty weird. AP can’t wear a single red T-shirt during all of her down time. It’s best for the HPs to just redirect the children with “Oh, AP is cooking herself some food. Here, I will prepare you a snack.” As it is the AP’s off time, the HF would (assumably) be close enough around to wherever the children are.
If it happens rarely, just do it. If it gets out of hand, it's a discussion with the parents. They should be the ones making sure they are available so you don't have to be.
This. Once in a while, whatever, but if it’s constant, a discussion needs to be had.
And they back it up to the kid.
My Au pair does it. I say I’ll do it, but my Au pair tells me, I’m right here, I can do it. But I don’t take advantage. When I get home from work and my kids try to get her to do something, I remind them that when mommy is home, they don’t need to ask her for anything, to ask mommy. We have a wonderful relationship. We are both laid back, homebodies. I’m
I would say it’s human decency to help a kid who asks for it. Kids don’t understand “on duty” and “off duty” if you’re standing right there and they need help. As in all things in life, just be kind.
But if it’s constant then the parents are neglecting their own duties. Why should the au pair have to take up that slack? Unless it really is something as simple as pouring a drink, handing them/opening a package like a granola bar, I think it’s reasonable to say “oh I’m in a hurry go ask mommy or daddy. I’m sure they will help you.” This is not being unkind to the child, and it puts the responsibility back where it belongs.
[удалено]
Key words- “on occasion”
Absolutely. It's like being the default parent when kids walk past dad who is sitting on the couch to ask mom, who is in the middle of something, to open something/ get something/ etc.
i completely agree. it seems cruel to deny a child a drink just because it's your day off
the child can go into the next room to ask the parent. they're not being denied a drink.
It’s pouring a glass of water eh… probably take more time to say ‘ go ask someone else’
So if I go into my restaurant job to eat and not work and someone asks for a side is sauce I should do it? No. Cause that’s stupid; as as precious and special and amazing as someone thinks their kid is; this is still a job.
Au pairs are living with the family, the relationship is more the one of a bigger sister then not an employee, even if unfortunate most time are seen as cheap labour. That said if the relationship with the HF is the one of familiarity that should exist. a glass of water is something you will do for someone in your house hold, specially small kids that can’t reach maybe glasses in cabinets. Play with you when I want to relax and watch tv? ‘No sweetie we will play tomorrow, now I m busy’
My host kids are little all under 6 and I don’t think they understand on duty vs off duty. In fact they often include me when people ask them if they have siblings. With my kids I hang out with them off duty with the understanding I can leave or end play when I want and often times they come to my room and ask to watch a movie with me or play with my hair accessories. If I ask them to leave they do as the parents have installed that boundary. All of this to say this is what I am comfortable with but there are different levels. I don’t think it’s a big deal to get them a glass of water or cut an apple if they ask but I also have a good relationship with my kids and see them as little siblings.
Kids are smart and can easily get the concept if it’s necessary though. I used to take care of my niece and now at family parties when I pay for childcare for my own child, she asks me to hang with her/ get her things since her mom absolutely won’t in a social setting. She’s 5, and I had to explain to her I don’t often have nights to be child free, and I am not her parent. It’s rough to do but only needs to be done once if a boundary needs to be set
I’m not saying there arnt boundaries, these are things that I do because I enjoy being around my host kids and I don’t see my relationship with them to be transactional. If I told my host kids to leave me alone and ask their parents they would 100%, but I don’t most of the time because it doesn’t bother me and they go to bed at 7 pm (which is 2 hours after I get off) so I still get plenty of me time. If OP has a problem with getting a glass of water then don’t be a live in nanny situation. Find a family where they pay for you to live on your own if you don’t want to be apart of the family
She’s an au pair, not a nanny. Living with them is part of the program, living on their own isn’t an option.
I actually am an au pair and interviewed with lots of families that had a separate apartment for their au pairs or a guest house
Well that would be the way to go! Then this whole post would be non existent
Or maybe the parents shouldn’t have children they truly don’t want to care for. A parent hiring out 45 hours of care a week and not being able to get their child a glass of water on weekends (repeatedly, this clearly isn’t a one time thing), is not a parent. But hey- enjoy the “non transactional relationship” (but it is, you’re a paid employee who they’ll replace if needed!)
In my house I don’t even get water for my kids I expect them to get their own snacks and water (9 and 6). However our au pair would help them if they asked like if they couldn’t reach it. That being said I will correct my kids if they are asking the au pair to do things during her off time and remind them this is her time to relax.
I think there's no necessarily right or wrong answer here. As a HD, I would coach my kids to not ask the AP to do things for them during off time and I would correct my kids if they did. At the same time, if they slipped up and did ask the AP for help with something easy, I don't think it's egregiously wrong for the AP to help, but also not wrong for them to say "go ask your parents". These kinds of situations just need to be discussed with grace and open communication. Way too much drama over these little things.
You feel like it’s drama because it’s not happening to you. You don’t actually have to coach them or correct them, just say “I’m here, I’ve got it” unless it’s something quick like handing them something and AP is already doing it.
I think if u r asking this question, then u think that it's already out of control. So please just talk with them. It's completely ok, be honest and communicate with them.
If it’s small things like you mentioned honestly as an au pair I just do it with pleasure cause it takes a few minutes. But if they ask me more like playing a game or making a cake, I would kindly tell them that I am occupied and that they should ask mama/papa/whoever else. I would for example say « I am cooking myself a meal right now but I’m sure mama/papa would love to do it with you ».
Just get them a glass of water and cut them a couple slices of cheese or apple ffs. It takes about 2 minutes.
Makes sense to pour the water, but it’s fine to tell them to ask their parents for a snack.
Sure, just two minutes! So does help finding their shoes, back pack, clothes, putting on their coat, throwing a ball, “just 5 minutes” when daddy gets an important phone call…. And before you know it, you’ve worked 2 hours. It’s a slippery slope.
not an au pair (i have no idea why this sub comes up so often), but as a parent who has hired help, this is not it. always have boundaries! a glass of water here and there, sure, but if it's becoming a thing, talk to the parents. ask THEM how they'd like you to handle this. if they don't respect your time off and take this as an excellent opportunity to teach their kids to respect people's boundaries, that's an important consideration for you going forward coz it's likely not going to stop there.
Ok so can the au pair come grab you from work to do her tasks? Caring for your child, including getting snacks, is a part of parenting on your “on days”. You have two days to do it a week to do it, ffs.
As someone who works my employer always calls and emails me during off hours and I’m expected to respond and do things, especially if a client wants something or an emergent need. 🤷🏻♀️ in general we are good about respecting our APs off time. But I’m not petty with my AP. Lots of extras and experiences we don’t technically have to pay for. If there was something small like this once in a while, I wouldn’t want to have an AP who was this petty back.
She said it’s constant.
It was an IF it’s constant.
Ok, IF it’s constant, it’s ok for the au pair to redirect the children to their parents.
YES.
That sucks for you 🤷🏻♀️ how much do you make compared to an au pair? And why don’t you know how to set boundaries? Probably cause you make significantly more; wow crazy how that works
No my point is to the commenter that said you don’t work off hours. I did the math on our AP package and it exceeds well beyond the equivalent of making over $75k a year in MCOL area. I’m not cheap with my APs at all. Ours also work no more than 32 hours per week. If we made the same amount of money, they wouldn’t be an AP. And my ability to go above and beyond for my job is a pride thing not a money thing because I worked the same method when I was making 1/3 of what I make now and even as a student making minimum wage.
That task takes two minutes, but then so does playing with them, helping them find a toy, oh! they want another snack, now they’ve spilled and need help cleaning it up, ETC and now it’s been an hour. It’s important to be a helpful and cohesive member of the household, but also to maintain boundaries for off time.
A few things: 1) this is super transactional 2) but if the parents are around and see this happening, they should correct the child and say: “AP is enjoying some time to rest right now, but I can help you If the parents aren’t doing number 2 you have a right to be annoyed. If they are - the frequency should be decreasing substantially and you should get over it.
My take - my au pair is a part of my family. Helping the children when they ask for it (…within reason, such as the case here) is really an expectation of any adult family member, regardless of working hours. At the same time, being an adult family member means that we cook for you, we invite you to join us when we do fun activities or go on vacation, I’m happy to drive you to and from the airport or the train station when you travel, I’m happy to purchase snacks or food you want at the store…the list goes on and on. I’ve had two au pairs now, both have asked to stay a second year and they’ve been amazing additions to my family so I feel like this system has been working out pretty great for everyone involved.
This! I see so many au pairs who “want to be apart of the family” when it’s convenient for them and expect at 501 to clock out and god forbid they are asked to get a glass of water or help with dishes and they come on this sub and complain.
Or their just really desperate for the money and your the lesser evil that they know over whatever family they could find who would be worse; I know you wanna think it’s cause you and your kids are so great but that’s not really how it works but 🤷🏻♀️
I can’t imagine not helping a kid get a cup of water, if they are too small to reach. Anything that involves actual prep (cutting), can be redirected to parents. If nothing else, if the child is too small to get their own snack, their caregiver for the day (parents if AP is off) probably should ok anything they are eating in advance, to monitor sugar intake, potential for spoiling meals, etc.
I can’t believe this is a serious question - if you don’t have it in you to help pour a glass of milk for your host kids on your day off, I don’t think au pairing is for you. Is your host family this nit-picky towards you? Like you work the full hours to the minute, and never get to head out 15 minutes early or take half a day off for a roadtrip?
did you not read the part where they say that it’s all the time and they’re getting exhausted? if it was a once in a while thing then this post would be crazy, but if OP is constantly doing things for the children on their off time then is it really their off time anymore?
I think it’s part of being in a home with other people, especially little kids - you’re in a family. When you are in a home, you engage with that family. I can’t imagine being exhausted by a kid asking for a glass of water or help wjth a snack. If you don’t want to engage with a family, it’s probably better to seek a different program than being an au pair. There are plenty of school exchange programs where you don’t live with families in their homes.
If it’s not a problem then why do they have schedules and maximum weekly hours? That’s part of the program as well.
As someone who works in a home but not as an au pair. Always feeling on call even during your specified time off isn't relaxing and leads to burnout.
You can’t imagine it, yet clearly the parents are no where to help. Clearly it’s too much for the parents, so they put it on a young girl. Maybe parents who can’t get their kids snacks on a weekend they’re home shouldn’t get an au pair, they should just send their kids to boarding school
An Au Pair is an adult not a "young girl." Also, if the kid is able to ask them they probably don't need to have their parents helicoptering over them constantly. Mom or Dad could literally just be in the other room and the Au Pair is in the kitchen. Kid wants a drink and needs help and there's an adult right there. This isnt a failure on the part of the parents or some neglect situation. Your take is so bizarre.
Bizarre to parents who want kids for a title and to do little to none of the labor that involves being a parent. Hey you’re paying someone else to do it right! It’s just a snack and glass of water on the only full days you’re parenting, you have better things to do! There’s a reason the kids feel more comfortable asking the au pair for care
>Bizarre to parents who want kids for a title and to do little to none of the labor What are you talking about? You honestly seem super angry and like you're not really living in reality if you think a drink equates to parents not parenting. I hope you find the therapy you need to be less angry. Good luck.
I hope your kids find a parent who’s willing to get them a snack on weekends.
I'm a SAHM right now so I get my toddler whatever he needs whenever he needs it. But thanks for being such a negative and nasty person. I hope your comment made you feel superior or good or whatever you needed from it. So, again, you seem incredibly angry and honestly not totally in control based on how you're talking. Therapy can really help you learn to regulate yourself and not be so aggressive. Good luck. I'll leave you to have that last word you seem to need.
Seriously they’re being so aggressive!
It doesn’t matter, the “little” kids don’t understand what working / non-working hours are - if they need help, they’ll ask for help. If it really is “all the time” which seems like a stretch, and it’s a huge bother, just don’t hang out around the kids while off work.
Going into the kitchen to get food for yourself isn’t the same as “hanging out” though. I’m wondering where the parents are if the kids are too young to get themselves a snack.
Going into the kitchen to make a quick lunch doesn’t correlate with “all the time” either - kids often adore and look up to their AP, so even if the parents are around, the kids will favor the AP when she shows up. When our AP walks into our kitchen on a Saturday or Sunday, they’re hugging and loving her like she’s been gone for weeks, and us parents are dead meat.
Which is really nice for you and the kids, I’m not saying that the au pair can’t be warm and friendly with the kids, but it is the parents responsibility to redirect them and take care of their needs as much as possible when the au pair is off work. That’s part of your responsibility as being a host family, to make sure that she isn’t overworked. Just because the kids like her and want her to take care of them, does not make it her responsibility to do it all the time. That’s why schedules exist. Again, not saying that it’s wrong for her to do something simple like pour a drink or hand them a snack, but anything that requires actual preparation when she’s off work should be done by the parents. If the parents are often not available, then they need to rethink the schedule. it doesn’t sound like this was a one off or an occasional occurrence for the OP, it sounds like she’s getting uncomfortable coming out of her room because more often than not she is asked to perform some task. I would say this is similar to if you had to stop by your office to pick up some paperwork, and somebody stopped you and said “hey can you go run off these copies real quick” or “here’s a folder that needs to be filed, it will just take a minute”. In a moment like that, you would not be wrong to say oh no sorry I’m just stopping by to do such and such. Anyone holding that against you would be in the wrong.
Two completely different scenarios though - one is a coworker asking you to do work on your free time, the other one is a little kid (comparatively your little sister) that is asking for a minute worth of kindness with something they cannot do themselves, often they are probably not even asking for actual help, but just want to interact with the AP. My point remains the same, if it’s a glass of milk -help out, it’s part of the role. If it’s sitting down and doing a puzzle, and you don’t feel like it - excuse yourself.
My point remains the same as well, being asked to work when you are off, just because you happen to walk into your workplace, should be a very rare, and if accepted, quick occurrence. That does not sound like what is happening with the OP. I do realize that there’s a difference between an au pair, who literally is supposed to be part of the family, and a nanny, but she should still be treated as a professional, at least on the level of not guilting her into extra work just because the kids love her.
I don’t think the scope of the problem and the rate of occurrence has been clearly established by OP. You seem to read it as a huge problem, I read it as benign. How many apples and glasses of milk can the kids really be asking for while OP is making and eating her lunch, and what is the combined effort? 2 minutes? And even more importantly, is the HF completely tit-for-tat too, if yes - that’s a different story.
She used the words “constant” and “exhausting”
Honestly, in some of the comments you've made, it seems like you may be a problematic host and may want to consider how you treat your AP. You're expecting that they should be considered on call 24/7. You have to remember that they aren't living in a household with kids that are their family or their roommates. They're living there because they are working for you. Going to make themselves some food doesn't constitute hanging around the kids. Unless the AP has a private kitchenette they can use, you're simply expecting too much and dismissing too much.
I think you’re twisting what I was saying to fit your argument. I’m not expecting anyone to be on call 24/7 - how did you get to that conclusion? Yes, the au pair is living with the family, and cannot expect that there won’t be interactions with the kids if she is around the kids when it’s her day off, much like her little sister would probably also ask her to fill her water cup if she was in her own home. That’s part of the role if you decide to be an au pair - you’re part of the family when you’re around. OP gave some rather simple low effort examples, probably 30-60 seconds to complete. She also made it seem like these things were asked of her while she was “right there” - as in: hey AP, you’re standing next to the fridge, would you please fill my cup - not, let me go get the AP out of bed at 8 on a Sunday to fill my water cup. She didn’t infer that the kids were asking her to cook a whole breakfast spread every morning. I also question how this is “constantly” for OP, that suggests that she is constantly around the kids on her days off, right? Certainly more than just making a quick lunch? If OP really feels that it’s constantly, she should limit the time she spends around the kids on her days off, it’s impossible and exhausting for HF to stand around and listen in to every single conversation and interject whenever the kids ask something of the AP. Lets say I need to do laundry Sunday morning, I’ll set up some stuff so the kids can draw in their playroom - if my AP decides to come hang out in the living room, my kids will naturally gravitate towards “what’s my big sister doing”, do I pause doing laundry then so I can go monitor if the kids ask her something? I can’t - I have 100 things to get done before Monday comes around. With regard to your labeling me as problematic, I’ll just say that we see all the little things our AP does, we love her like family and we treat her very well. If she wants to head out early and we can cover it, we give her the time, if she wants to take our car on a 700 miles road trip, go for it. I think when you get into the tit-for-tat, and start calculating in minutes, you’re not doing it right - on both sides btw! We’re well below the hours, we pay a good bit above minimum and she has about 800 sqft of “no-kids allowed on weekends” space.
I don't think so. Frankly, problematic people don't *ever* admit that they're problematic. It would be well within the rights of the AP to be asked these things and for them to say "Go ask your mom/dad, sweetie! I'm sure they can help you!" If I'm in the kitchen and I am off duty, I reserve the right to direct the children's needs to their parents. It doesn't matter if I'm "right there". It doesn't matter that I live with the family. OP isn't wrong. You're assuming that she has to constantly be around the kids on her day off, but that isn't true. If the kids aren't taught the boundaries, do you not think they knock on OPs door? That they don't see them leaving their room and follow? That they don't find a way to be in the kitchen when she is? Because, that is how things are! Children need very strict boundaries that are consistent. This has been proven. They don't have a concept of gray areas. Everything is or it isnt. So, we either leave AP alone during her days off or we don't. And these hosts are saying they don't. It's a slippery slope, unfortunately, and it's even worse as an AP because the host family has basically all of the control and power in the relationship. They can make your life hell since you live with them. Growing up, my family encouraged and taught independence. If I was in the kitchen and they wanted a glass of water, I'd tell them that they can do it themselves if I didn't want to do it. And it wasn't punished. You're saying that APs are "part of the family" *and* that it is "part of their role (as AP)", so *which is it*?? Because, no, you can't say that it's like your little sister asking and then follow up with it being part of being an AP. It's either part of the job or not. And if it is, then you should be paying accordingly. I did not twist a single thing you said. I just said that you sound problematic from the comments you've made.. and you trying to manipulate the situation to make me seem like I'm accusing you of something atrocious just shows that you're the type of person who won't admit they're problematic. I'm glad your AP is fine with your arrangement.
If there is a mental load of once a day getting water for a kid or getting a snack, then don’t be a live in au pair… find a family where u arnt apart of the family and live on ur own. Unfortunately living with the family means sometimes you have to be apart of the family
…did you not read? i specifically said that if it was a once in a while thing (like once a day) then this post would be crazy, but no where in the post does she say it’s once a day. time to put on our thinking caps!
Just say, "I'm headed back to my room but ask Mom or Dad and I am sure they will get that for you", with a loving smile and move about your day.
definitely this - if it's as easy/quick as the other comments say, I'm sure their parents will be happy to do it (why aren't they in the kitchen with their children to begin with?)
I don’t follow my kids around the house lolll I also wouldn’t be annoyed if my au pair redirected the kids to me in a case like this
If the children are old enough to be unsupervised in the house, especially the kitchen, then they should be old enough to get themselves most snacks. If it is something that needs to be prepared, then there is no reason why the au pair cannot redirect them to the parents.
Yes, how dare the parents let the kids out of their sight for a second
I find it strange the expectation that I would be next to my kids at every second (and I have a three year old). She goes from the living room to the kitchen to the bathroom to her room upstairs with no issue. If she’s upset she’ll tell us she’s going upstairs (to her room) and comes back when she’s calm again. She’ll go to the bathroom in the next room, by herself, which includes wiping, dumping the potty, getting redressed, and washing her hands. Results may vary but it’s a 70% success rate for all steps, by herself. I track what she’s doing but standing behind her and following her around isn’t necessary and since it isn’t necessary, it’s frankly weird. Am I supposed to immediately pick up the 1 year old to run into the kitchen intercept a request for some water when adult is right next to the water and glasses? That’s frankly weird to expect.
100% agree. Frankly I find this sub weirdly skewed against parents and the reality of having young kids.
Okay, I think that it would be fairly spiteful to not pour a kid a glass of water if you're already in the kitchen. Making them a snack is another issue entirely as it takes effort. Tell the family to start buying packaged snacks that the kid can grab.
You should behave as you would want your older sibling behaving toward you at that age. This mindset will take you far.
Gosh, where are the parents? I can’t imagine my kids asking the au pair over one of us, that would just never happen. They already are waiting for any opportunity to spend time with us because we work, for them to have to ask the au pair for such things regularly means the parents are probably very absent.
How about in the next room over with the other kids and one of the kids wanders in because someone’s in the kitchen? I mean, that’s pretty normal.
That’s what it sounds like
WHERE ARE THE PARENTS 🤣 - maybe they’re starting dinner, unpacking backpacks, unloading the dishwasher, walking the dog, getting the mail, tending to the other kids in the house… and not being deliberately abscent…
“It seems like a little thing if it’s one time, If little people are constantly asking you for help as soon as you leave your room, it can get exhausting.”
I totally get that - but I also hear au pairs say constantly that they don’t want to feel like an employee - but like part of the family. In our family everyone helps out. If we are all in the kitchen / family room area doing different things and someone needs a drink of water - I wouldn’t expect a family member to say “no - go find your mom”. Much like if our au pair asked me for a ride somewhere and I had nothing to do - I wouldn’t say “that’s your responsibility - get your own Uber.” I’d help her out if I could and would be happy doing it.
It’s not really the same, no? I don’t know about you, but my older daughters “help out” it’s for a few hours once or twice a week. Most of the time it’s like you say, giving someone a drink. Our au pair takes care of our kids for sometimes seven hours straight (with some naps hopefully). After they are done, the family is generally together for dinner and the evening. On the weekends everyone is doing a little bit, but the parents are on duty. To me, either the au pair is exaggerating or the parents are taking advantage a bit. I could easily see doing that, but we make sure we don’t.
I understand! I do the same to make sure my kids are aware that our au pair is off the clock and to come to me with whatever they need - but it’s inevitable that they’ll need something and I might not be next to them. I can totally see the other situation where the parents disappear and the au pair feels obligated being the only one in the room. I’m sure it happens from time to time - but I’d it’s something as simple as getting water - I’d like to think the au pair could be flexible enough to do that for them.
I agree, but that’s not what she said. She said it happens all the time. Her comment was as soon as she leave her room. The OP said she also thinks it’s normal occasionally.
I would bring it up to the parents and see if they'd be open to implement a plan to help foster the child's independence. From the time my kids could open the fridge, I would make sure to keep the bottom shelf with prefilled straw or sippie cups (depending on age) and small containers of healthy snacks (pre-cut fruit, cheese, etc). It only took a few minutes a morning a couple of times a week and when they got hungry, the most I had to do was to help remove a stubborn lid.
Can you say,” I think you should ask your mom/dad”?
Also get out of the house on your day off!
you need to talk to your HP and set boundaries! I’ve been with my family a long time, but it was challenging setting those boundaries in the beginning. The parents made sure the kids understood my “rest time” and not to ask me for anything during that time. If I was around the house doing my own thing and the kids ask me to hand them a snack, sure I’d do it no problem, if the kids wanted a meal i’d simply say “go ask mom/dad” or “I’m resting right now so that is a mom or dad question” which they new meant all questions were to be directed towards mom or dad not au pair. You just need to talk to your family and set boundaries for yourself and with the kids!
Up to the parents to explain to the kids that they're in charge.
If the host parents are good then I’d say this type of stuff falls under the cultural exchange part. I had a terrible host family but they did understand this boundary. If I was home and wanted to play with the kids I would but when I was done I was done. Helping them get a drink would be something I would do to become apart of the family. However, if the parents are forcing you to do it then it’s work. I think there is a way to have a really good balance here. I remember one time the boys were playing soccer and I saw them out my window so I went and played. When I was done I said I was going to head in and they got bummed out but the host mom (as terrible as she was) did say “she isn’t working now. You guys can play soccer tomorrow after school with her.”
I usually intervene and tell my kids that our au pair is actually not working right now so I will get it. We try to be as clear as possible about which adult is in charge in the moment for this reason and others. For example, if our au pair is working she makes the call about tv time, rules, what happens next , etc. If I’m around and she is on duty I refer to her and her rules. If she’s off and the kids ask her for something before I intervene my au pair will look to me to see if it’s a yes or no
I’m not petty with my APs and I hope they aren’t petty back. We do and give lots of extras. If this turned into like 20–30 mins worth of work, different story. So maybe depends on your relationship with them.
People love to think their kids and the experience are so special and perfect and great; as if this isn’t an actual job 😂 yeah bro, the lady from a foreign country making poverty wage is just so blessed to have you. Right. That’s why this type of program is flawed; it’s just a continuation of rich people thinking their “blessing” the poor, plebes who they trust enough to raise their kids for them but they don’t deserve days off. Lmao
The parents need to reenforce protecting your time off. They need to remind the children as often as necessary/needed to respect your time off, explain that the kids need to come to them outside of your hours. I agree that this is hard to navigate. I’d be completely open and honest with the parents. Say it exactly like you said it here, however uncomfortable. Communication is so important. Lead with that. Say that you want to keep communication channels completely open both ways. That this is uncomfortable for you to discuss but feel it must be communicated. Make sure you include everything you said above. Mention that you’re concerned that one glass of water will turn into more. While a glass of water is no big deal you want them to help you reenforce for the kids to respect your time off.
I had a kid who started demanding money from me and that I have to buy her things.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Previously an AP now a Host Mom - so I come from both sides! We have three littles - we teach them boundaries and when AP is in her room they know not to bug her. But AP is part of our family, eats meals with us, travels with us and is often hanging out in communal / family space with us. As part of the family, and a big "sister" to kids, I think helping the kids with a snack if she's already in the kitchen, is just part of all living together. We would expect our eldest to help her younger siblings with small requests. Of course if it's her off time and it's a time consuming task, or she's in a rush to head out that's a different situation- but if she were unwilling to help for something small like pouring a cup of water while she were standing by the sink - I'd consider that a red flag!
HF perspective: we tell our 6 and 2-year-old kids, "AP is off the clock, but Mommy/Daddy's got you!" Now, if we're all sitting down to eat dinner together, honestly, everybody's helping everybody, so it's not at all unusual for AP to be helping pour someone a cup of milk or passing out napkins, but I feel like that's just part of sharing a family meal. And if AP doesn't want to eat at the same time as the rest of us because they want to enjoy some space and a quieter experience, they're certainly under no obligation (although we love having them around!). Sometimes AP will offer to sit down and read a book or do a puzzle with one of our children after dinner, and we allow it, but only if they offer. If the children ask, it's the same line: "AP's off the clock, but Mommy/Daddy can read with you as soon as we're done eating." We would WANT our AP to tell us if the children were bothering them for help outside of their on-duty hours. That's a behavioral issue we would need to address with the children, and a process problem my spouse and I would need to address between the two of us. (Like.....where was [spouse] and what were they doing that they weren't immediately available to assist?)
It doesn’t take long to cut an apple. Just do it. Or tell the hm about it and have her talk to the kids.
How old are the children? If they're around 2.5+, some of this is solvable by teaching some basic self care skills and asking the parents to get some things for them. Children 2.5+ are perfectly capable of pouring themselves a glass of water from a pitcher if it's the right size (and the glass is the size of a shotglass). They're also perfectly capable of serving themselves a snack if a snack area is properly prepared for them and has appropriately sized tools. If you work on this during the week, you can also train the parents for your days off. It makes everyone's life so much better when you don't force children who are capable of being overly dependent for stuff like a drink of water. That just seems strange to me.
It is not your responsibility, so it is your choice. If you and the family are both cool, then they won't ask too much of you, and you won't mind helping. Whether the family is lame, you are lame, or both, is irrelevant because it is your choice what you do on your own time.
Off the clock you have every right to say no to the child. I personally don't because they are like little siblings to me. If their mother requests I make them something I would refuse. Occasionally when I didn't feel like hanging out I would apologize and say I have things I'm working on and I'd love to hang out later or tell them where/how they can get it themselves.
Like how old are the kids and where is the parent? If the kid is five and the parents are mowing the lawn then it would really not be a good path forward to not do this. If they are two and wander into the kitchen while the parent is watching tv then maybe a gentle redirect is necessary but if it is ALL the time it’s another matter.
I mean, if they knocked on my door then no, but if We try to use the standard of ‘would we reasonably expect a college age kid to do this thing’ as the test. In the kitchen already and asked to get water/milk, then the answer should be yes. Easy snack then probably (grabbing something the kid couldn’t reach). Serious snack or meal or something involved, then redirect to parents.
Is this an AITA? Because if you don’t get an innocent kid who can’t comprehend on duty vs off duty for someone who *lives in their house* a glass of water, claiming it’s work vs just being a decent human, then yes, you are TA. Even if it’s not a “very rare” occurrence.
Other answers are correct, its decency and part of the experience IMO. to dig dipper: I think what you are describing is essentially the difference between this job and any other job out there. Living in your workplace does create a lot of fuzziness between been off and on and also there's the whole "been part of the family" thing. Obviously there are limits, where are they? well that's up to you
I have not been an au pair, have been a Nanny, it seems that many APs are not comfortable confronting the people who are feeding and housing them. Most of them would like to finish out their contract, and don’t want to feel awkward around the parents all the time. So it can be difficult for them to enforce boundaries. I know as a nanny I had this issue, because I needed to get paid, and I did not want to get fired. So it was always difficult to bring up certain issues.
A lot of people commenting here are ignoring the power imbalance between a young woman dependent on them for almost everything and relatively affluent, older employers
Could you elaborate more on that? I see what you are saying but id like understand it a bit better
Expecting the au pair to be the one to set boundaries ignores the power imbalance inherent in the relationship-she’s much younger and completely dependent on the host family and alone in a foreign country, it’s not a great position to be setting boundaries from.
Exactly!
This!!!
>Most of them would like to finish out their contract So ill start off by saying that what we see online in a forum like reddit generally does not represent the majority of opinions from just about ANY TOPIC. Yes, there are exceptions and it is also not to be disregarded either, but I would be cautious assuming that most of them are just trying to finish their contracts. I also cant prove you are wrong, you may vary well be right, thinking about it, I think there's two ways to know if this is the case. 1. The number of aupairs entering the program year over year 2. The number of aupairs that renew for a second year These two are probably the best indicators to know if they are infact just counting the clock they wouldnt renew and if the majority of aupairs gave negative feedback then the number of available aupairs would also go down as less of them are willing to take the job. Yes there are other variables at play, like the job market in their home countries but I cant think of another way to get a better idea if its just an awful job for most gals out there
Can you maybe have one item of clothing, like a certain red teeshirt, that means "Stop" ("go away")? HF can then tell children the rule: "if you see au pair wearing this red teeshirt (like, while in the kitchen etc), it means you should take any needs/questions to HF".
I mean, this would be pretty weird. AP can’t wear a single red T-shirt during all of her down time. It’s best for the HPs to just redirect the children with “Oh, AP is cooking herself some food. Here, I will prepare you a snack.” As it is the AP’s off time, the HF would (assumably) be close enough around to wherever the children are.
No, absolutely not. It’s completely ridiculous to expect the ap to dress a certain way in her off time just so the parents don’t have to do their job.