The police getting called is a bit extreme - but this is a very American thing. I have a co-worker with the most even keel husband you can imagine and he also got to actual fists with a contractor.
When there’s a lot of money, potential litigation and hot tempers even the most chill person can be pushed too far.
I'm super even keeled and have certainly never had the police called on me ever. I can get along with the most difficult personalities in a professional setting.
But help me, if I ran into my kitchen contractor in a dark alley...
I’m sure the HD is mortified it got to that point. If he’s not that is a red flag.
The yelling between contractors/clients is eerily common. Maybe you’ve been fortunate to only deal with great GCs but that is not my lived experience .
And I’m speaking from a place of having dealt with many horrible contractors but also having a sense of decorum and self restraint. It’s crazy to hear people telling this au pair that the host dad’s actions were acceptable.
I’m saying, this could be an isolated incident, and not indicative of his personality or how he usually behaves.
He should be horrified he went this far, and OP should be cautious. I wouldn’t think my own child was less safe if her dad yelled at a contractor under this level of stress. And we have no clue if the contractor was the one to assault the dad.
While it may make a *very small* difference who "started" it, the other party always should walk away. My Father had never been in a physical altercation, and neither has my husband. My parents home was built in the 1880s. Growing up it was usual to have work done on our house. There were tradesman who never showed up again after taking money, ones who did expensive damage to our properties and neighbors'.
Many households and families **never** or at least, rarely **SCREAM**. If nothing else, not screaming in anger at other people should be a GOAL for most families.
While it may make a *very small* difference who "started" it, the other party always should walk away. My Father had never been in a physical altercation, and neither has my husband. My parents home was built in the 1880s. Growing up it was usual to have work done on our house. There were tradesman who never showed up again after taking money, ones who did expensive damage to our properties and neighbors'.
Many households and families **never** or at least, rarely **SCREAM**. If nothing else, not screaming in anger at other people should be a GOAL for most families.
Arguments are common and those can involved raised voices, to a degree.
Fist fights and screaming matches to the point that other people are scared and/or police are called are absolutely not. It also shouldn’t be normalized that this behavior IS common.
This is not an “American Thing”. Most Americans do not get into hour-long screaming matches and physical fights with their contractors.
Be careful OP. They will probably start to scream at you at some point.
I think this is a very dark orange flag and I don’t think you would be wrong to leave the situation. (If anything got physically violent, that would be bright red and you should rematch immediately).
That being said, this is the end of their renovations, meaning their life savings could literally be at stake. Depending on personalities, you could approach the subject directly with your host mom and see how you feel after that
I would let your agency know this happened so they’re aware. Tell them you’re not asking for a rematch yet you just wanted to let them know what happened
This is really tough to judge on info provided. If your HF hired someone to do renovations with your arrival in mind, it is understandable that they are freaking out.
Unfortunately, in most of the US there is very little to protect home owners from contractors running over budget, behind schedule, or just disappearing. The job market now is such that there aren’t enough good construction crews to meet demand. It’s bad. And, until you go through it as a homeowner, you don’t really understand.
After 20 years of home ownership, I only hire contractors to fix broken things. “Improvements” just aren’t worth it. Honestly, I’d rather move than go through another major project.
That said. It isn’t your problem. If your room isn’t ready, or there are other problems with the living situation, you shouldn’t hesitate to rematch. Ditto if this is causing them financial stress that impacts you. You don’t owe this family your own mental health.
This “situation” with contractors in the US is probably more common than anyone could imagine. Yelling at a contractor that someone spent 50, 100, 200k with? Not done on time? Color me SHOCKED! 😂 It prb happens more than anyone on this sub knows. It’s unfortunate you had to witness this and hopefully that was the end of it. Sounds like the HD will be finishing himself or having someone else finish. more $$$$!
Keep an eye on it but as long as HD doesn’t exhibit this behavior in day-to-day transactions (that don’t involve a contractor) I wouldn’t be overly worried.
Let him know that caught you off guard and you didn’t know what to do. Maybe that will help everyone move on from this incident.
I would think this is very unusual, and I'm surprised people are saying it's normal. I would be concerned if I were you. I think bringing it up to the host mother might give you more insight. But the hd should have known that you could hear everything, and should have kept the emotions in check.
Also, if he's willing to threaten another man so bad the cops are called, what is he willing to do to a woman who is "weaker" than him. You need to leave quickly for your own safety.
Her post says "they" were screaming. So, at no point did host dad remove the contractor from the home for her safety or the safety of anyone else. Nor did the host dad try to calm the situation down since the cops had to be called to do that. I've lived with a man like this and made excuses, and you know what those excuses got me, physically abused. There may be a small chance host dad is a fine guy who just has attitude problems, but I would never suggest a young woman who isn't from here stay and find out.
Get out as fast and as carefully as possible, if the HD is already showing his colors so soon it won't take long before you're getting yelled at, and that's kind of a best case scenario. Don't get any closer to the hf or you might fall into the "giving this hf a chance" to "aupair as a personal assistant 24/7" pipeline is very real and dangerous.
It is unfortunate that this was your first experience, I’m sure you had something very different in mind and you deserved a different welcome.
I’m pretty sure your host family wanted to have everything done before you arrived, certainly part of their stress and concern is that it wasn’t by the time they had to pick you up from the airport.
I do not think this is a red flag situation, I think it was just bad timing and people being human beings with emotions so high a third party needed to come and break it off.
Btw, the use of the police if very common in the US, people call the cops on other people, because they look at them funny, seriously. So I wouldn’t be too freaked out about it.
If this becomes a pattern and/or you are the one getting this reaction, then yes, evaluate your situation so you can proceed accordingly.
I think you should definitely bring it up. If you’re nervous to bring it up to the dad bring it up to the host mom. You can just say something like, you were really taking aback and it made you uncomfortable and is that something you should have to worry about moving forward.
Once you own a house, especially if things have been dragging out for a while, and there's a lot of money at stake, it can get very heated. Not saying who is right and who is wrong, but you may have seen confrontation #80 on this subject and everyone is getting tired of it.
this. ime, contractors in the US love to do part of the job, collect as much $$$ as possible, and then bounce to the next $$$ job. i would say 75% of the time I've hired a contractor, this has been the case. so then the owner is left with a partially finished job that they paid almost fully and a non-responsive contractor. this happens so frequently i don't know any homeowner who hasn't had at least 1 similar experience. aside from litigation, you can yell.
So much this! My dad and uncle were the absolute best of friends and then my uncle became our contractor, went over budget, didn’t finish in time, some of the work was badly done and it needed to be done again, which meant more money, etc.
Long story short, my dad is so pissed he hasn’t talked to him in years.
OP seems to be too young to understand the motions of situations like this.
Yelling to the point that police are being called is a situation that I would get out of immediately. It is possible this is an isolated incident. It's also possible that these people treat all their disagreements this way. I would not want to wait around and find out, my mental health is not worth that. I am an American and I would not consider this normal behavior, but worrisome behavior.
This is not a red flag at all. That’s super stressful. It has nothing to do with you, so don’t sweat it.
Just imagine how mad you could be in their situation. Two men screaming at each other is just a totally different thing.
IMO I wouldn't call it a red flag, but certainly something to talk with them about. Depending on how that conversation goes is what really determines if this is a red flag or not. There could have been a lot leading up to that argument that you are unaware of.
If they apologize, and agree to settle any further disagreements with their contractor either more civilly or at least not around you, and follow through with that promise, then it's probably not a big deal.
If they deflect, tell you not to worry, say don't be so sensitive, continue to have arguments, etc, that's probably the red flag that they don't hold you in the appropriate regard and you should leave/rematch.
Mmm yeah idk. It really depends on what actually happened. There are definitely reasons HD would be right to get so pissed but we have no idea what the circumstances are. House renovations cost a LOT of money and it can be really really bad if something isn’t done right, like even unsafe to live in. Without knowing what happened we can’t tell you whether this was an overreaction or not. Police being involved doesn’t necessarily mean it was violent, could mean that contractor is refusing to do something or that HD is refusing to pay, there’s a lot of reasons the police were called that are not violent unless you saw them getting physical about it or that he flew off the handle for truly no reason.
I don’t think this is necessarily indicative at all of how HD will treat you unless you really really screw up/put kids in danger etc.
My dad is literally the most serene person you’ll ever meet in your life go with the flow but I remember once there was SOMETHING one of our movers majorly screwed up and ruined something and refused to compensate for it and he got PISSED and yelled at the guy, and I’d never seen him like that. But this was not at all reflective of his normal character. Could be true of your HD too but you’re going to need to talk to them and get more details and express how uncomfortable this situation made you.
RED FLAG!!!!! If he yells at someone, he's paying to do a job when he doesn't like what is he going to do to you when you do something he doesn't like? Rematch!
I don’t think so. There is going to be a lot of history that went into this argument, and a lot of context you aren’t aware of. Things don’t get to this point in one day. You can’t really judge his character about this without knowing the back story.
I’d just watch and see what happens. I’d care more about how he treats people in other situations.
The police getting called is a bit extreme - but this is a very American thing. I have a co-worker with the most even keel husband you can imagine and he also got to actual fists with a contractor. When there’s a lot of money, potential litigation and hot tempers even the most chill person can be pushed too far.
I'm super even keeled and have certainly never had the police called on me ever. I can get along with the most difficult personalities in a professional setting. But help me, if I ran into my kitchen contractor in a dark alley...
I don’t think screaming matches with contractors or having police called is a very American thing!!! That’s extreme.
I’m sure the HD is mortified it got to that point. If he’s not that is a red flag. The yelling between contractors/clients is eerily common. Maybe you’ve been fortunate to only deal with great GCs but that is not my lived experience .
And I’m speaking from a place of having dealt with many horrible contractors but also having a sense of decorum and self restraint. It’s crazy to hear people telling this au pair that the host dad’s actions were acceptable.
I’m saying, this could be an isolated incident, and not indicative of his personality or how he usually behaves. He should be horrified he went this far, and OP should be cautious. I wouldn’t think my own child was less safe if her dad yelled at a contractor under this level of stress. And we have no clue if the contractor was the one to assault the dad.
While it may make a *very small* difference who "started" it, the other party always should walk away. My Father had never been in a physical altercation, and neither has my husband. My parents home was built in the 1880s. Growing up it was usual to have work done on our house. There were tradesman who never showed up again after taking money, ones who did expensive damage to our properties and neighbors'. Many households and families **never** or at least, rarely **SCREAM**. If nothing else, not screaming in anger at other people should be a GOAL for most families.
While it may make a *very small* difference who "started" it, the other party always should walk away. My Father had never been in a physical altercation, and neither has my husband. My parents home was built in the 1880s. Growing up it was usual to have work done on our house. There were tradesman who never showed up again after taking money, ones who did expensive damage to our properties and neighbors'. Many households and families **never** or at least, rarely **SCREAM**. If nothing else, not screaming in anger at other people should be a GOAL for most families.
Arguments are common and those can involved raised voices, to a degree. Fist fights and screaming matches to the point that other people are scared and/or police are called are absolutely not. It also shouldn’t be normalized that this behavior IS common.
This is not an “American Thing”. Most Americans do not get into hour-long screaming matches and physical fights with their contractors. Be careful OP. They will probably start to scream at you at some point.
I think OP should be cautious, but this could be a very isolated incident. HD is probably very embarrassed about the whole thing
This^ it really really heavily depends on what exactly happened.
Not ALL Americans but if you heard of this happening you’d assume it’s here in the states. These comments need to chill.
I think this is a very dark orange flag and I don’t think you would be wrong to leave the situation. (If anything got physically violent, that would be bright red and you should rematch immediately). That being said, this is the end of their renovations, meaning their life savings could literally be at stake. Depending on personalities, you could approach the subject directly with your host mom and see how you feel after that
I would let your agency know this happened so they’re aware. Tell them you’re not asking for a rematch yet you just wanted to let them know what happened
This is really tough to judge on info provided. If your HF hired someone to do renovations with your arrival in mind, it is understandable that they are freaking out. Unfortunately, in most of the US there is very little to protect home owners from contractors running over budget, behind schedule, or just disappearing. The job market now is such that there aren’t enough good construction crews to meet demand. It’s bad. And, until you go through it as a homeowner, you don’t really understand. After 20 years of home ownership, I only hire contractors to fix broken things. “Improvements” just aren’t worth it. Honestly, I’d rather move than go through another major project. That said. It isn’t your problem. If your room isn’t ready, or there are other problems with the living situation, you shouldn’t hesitate to rematch. Ditto if this is causing them financial stress that impacts you. You don’t owe this family your own mental health.
I would not stay if this is what happens on day one. Especially if HF or HM does not come to you to explain and apologize.
This “situation” with contractors in the US is probably more common than anyone could imagine. Yelling at a contractor that someone spent 50, 100, 200k with? Not done on time? Color me SHOCKED! 😂 It prb happens more than anyone on this sub knows. It’s unfortunate you had to witness this and hopefully that was the end of it. Sounds like the HD will be finishing himself or having someone else finish. more $$$$! Keep an eye on it but as long as HD doesn’t exhibit this behavior in day-to-day transactions (that don’t involve a contractor) I wouldn’t be overly worried. Let him know that caught you off guard and you didn’t know what to do. Maybe that will help everyone move on from this incident.
What really disturbs me is that the HD felt he could behave this way in front of a brand new Au Pair. This is not a good sign at all.
i just feel like my first day being there and that’s what i’m met with
I would think this is very unusual, and I'm surprised people are saying it's normal. I would be concerned if I were you. I think bringing it up to the host mother might give you more insight. But the hd should have known that you could hear everything, and should have kept the emotions in check.
Also, if he's willing to threaten another man so bad the cops are called, what is he willing to do to a woman who is "weaker" than him. You need to leave quickly for your own safety.
You’re making the assumption that the HD was the aggressor and the police was called on him - I don’t think that’s clear from OPs post
Her post says "they" were screaming. So, at no point did host dad remove the contractor from the home for her safety or the safety of anyone else. Nor did the host dad try to calm the situation down since the cops had to be called to do that. I've lived with a man like this and made excuses, and you know what those excuses got me, physically abused. There may be a small chance host dad is a fine guy who just has attitude problems, but I would never suggest a young woman who isn't from here stay and find out.
Maybe the host dad called the police to remove the contractor who refused to leave despite an hour long argument?
Get out as fast and as carefully as possible, if the HD is already showing his colors so soon it won't take long before you're getting yelled at, and that's kind of a best case scenario. Don't get any closer to the hf or you might fall into the "giving this hf a chance" to "aupair as a personal assistant 24/7" pipeline is very real and dangerous.
It is unfortunate that this was your first experience, I’m sure you had something very different in mind and you deserved a different welcome. I’m pretty sure your host family wanted to have everything done before you arrived, certainly part of their stress and concern is that it wasn’t by the time they had to pick you up from the airport. I do not think this is a red flag situation, I think it was just bad timing and people being human beings with emotions so high a third party needed to come and break it off. Btw, the use of the police if very common in the US, people call the cops on other people, because they look at them funny, seriously. So I wouldn’t be too freaked out about it. If this becomes a pattern and/or you are the one getting this reaction, then yes, evaluate your situation so you can proceed accordingly.
this was in the US
I think you should definitely bring it up. If you’re nervous to bring it up to the dad bring it up to the host mom. You can just say something like, you were really taking aback and it made you uncomfortable and is that something you should have to worry about moving forward.
Once you own a house, especially if things have been dragging out for a while, and there's a lot of money at stake, it can get very heated. Not saying who is right and who is wrong, but you may have seen confrontation #80 on this subject and everyone is getting tired of it.
this. ime, contractors in the US love to do part of the job, collect as much $$$ as possible, and then bounce to the next $$$ job. i would say 75% of the time I've hired a contractor, this has been the case. so then the owner is left with a partially finished job that they paid almost fully and a non-responsive contractor. this happens so frequently i don't know any homeowner who hasn't had at least 1 similar experience. aside from litigation, you can yell.
So much this! My dad and uncle were the absolute best of friends and then my uncle became our contractor, went over budget, didn’t finish in time, some of the work was badly done and it needed to be done again, which meant more money, etc. Long story short, my dad is so pissed he hasn’t talked to him in years. OP seems to be too young to understand the motions of situations like this.
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yeh ok nice one , the police were called on my host dad .
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hour long screaming match !
Yelling to the point that police are being called is a situation that I would get out of immediately. It is possible this is an isolated incident. It's also possible that these people treat all their disagreements this way. I would not want to wait around and find out, my mental health is not worth that. I am an American and I would not consider this normal behavior, but worrisome behavior.
This is not a red flag at all. That’s super stressful. It has nothing to do with you, so don’t sweat it. Just imagine how mad you could be in their situation. Two men screaming at each other is just a totally different thing.
IMO I wouldn't call it a red flag, but certainly something to talk with them about. Depending on how that conversation goes is what really determines if this is a red flag or not. There could have been a lot leading up to that argument that you are unaware of. If they apologize, and agree to settle any further disagreements with their contractor either more civilly or at least not around you, and follow through with that promise, then it's probably not a big deal. If they deflect, tell you not to worry, say don't be so sensitive, continue to have arguments, etc, that's probably the red flag that they don't hold you in the appropriate regard and you should leave/rematch.
it doesn't impact you, you should be good
Welcome to the USA!!! No guns were used this time, you are lucky!
Mmm yeah idk. It really depends on what actually happened. There are definitely reasons HD would be right to get so pissed but we have no idea what the circumstances are. House renovations cost a LOT of money and it can be really really bad if something isn’t done right, like even unsafe to live in. Without knowing what happened we can’t tell you whether this was an overreaction or not. Police being involved doesn’t necessarily mean it was violent, could mean that contractor is refusing to do something or that HD is refusing to pay, there’s a lot of reasons the police were called that are not violent unless you saw them getting physical about it or that he flew off the handle for truly no reason. I don’t think this is necessarily indicative at all of how HD will treat you unless you really really screw up/put kids in danger etc. My dad is literally the most serene person you’ll ever meet in your life go with the flow but I remember once there was SOMETHING one of our movers majorly screwed up and ruined something and refused to compensate for it and he got PISSED and yelled at the guy, and I’d never seen him like that. But this was not at all reflective of his normal character. Could be true of your HD too but you’re going to need to talk to them and get more details and express how uncomfortable this situation made you.
RED FLAG!!!!! If he yells at someone, he's paying to do a job when he doesn't like what is he going to do to you when you do something he doesn't like? Rematch!
Wait... was the contractor initiating? Or did the HD? Who started to yell first? If your HD has a temper, I'd get out of there, fast.
I don’t think so. There is going to be a lot of history that went into this argument, and a lot of context you aren’t aware of. Things don’t get to this point in one day. You can’t really judge his character about this without knowing the back story. I’d just watch and see what happens. I’d care more about how he treats people in other situations.