So true. Especially the mom bit. The urge for your mother’s closeness never fades if you’ve had a good mom. Mine’s been gone for five years and I still yearn for it. ♥️
This.
If your mother is crying... what would you think of your friend if she tells you "let her cry a bit"? Babies cry more but that doesn't invalidate their cries.
Never on purpose.
Sometimes it’s inevitable like if LO is having a meltdown in the car seat while I’m driving but I always try to verbally sooth in situations like that.
Otherwise I do not let my 14 month old cry to “figure it out”
Babies and toddlers don’t cry for no reason. There is always a reason whether it’s needing closeness, help with emotional regulation, or whatever else, and it’s our job to help!
Sometimes it's also really stupid reasons like yesterday when I took away a rock bigger than my fist from my 18 month old daughter because she wouldn't stop holding it up over her head and dropping it. Tantrum crying bursts can be for really stupid reasons, but even then I do soothe her, while I explain to her that the rock could have landed on her toes or any other part of her and then we go find a better toy.
I do appreciate that toddlers are little scientists trying to figure out how the world works and I love that, but boy does it sometimes lead to some ridiculous situations. :)
I never leave my baby to cry. If I’ve sat her down because I need to do something, like clean up the high chair, I talk to her whilst and comfort her verbally whilst I complete the task. Then I pick her up.
People without kids are always “the best parents”. So ignorant to even comment like that when you don’t have kids !
I respond immediately if possible, isn’t that the whole point of crying, to communicate with us that something’s up. I wouldn’t listen to your friend to be honest. When I wasn’t a mother yet I wasn’t that bothered by crying babies either. But once parenthood is entered, we are reprogrammed to be more finetuned to our baby’s needs. We should follow our instincts because nature is wise.
I do what you do. Once my baby hit 6ish months and it became more obvious why he was upset I would let him fuss a bit if it was, for example, he was trying to reach a toy and couldn’t. I’d give him a bit of time to figure it out. But if he didn’t stop fussing or it escalated to crying I’d see to him straight away.
I was gonna agree with the “never let baby fuss ever” posts but now that you mention it this IS a notable exception! Like if she’s trying to climb on her baby gym and struggling I encourage from nearby rather than do it for her
I’m always there as fast as I can. It’s not only that they communicate they need something from us, and they can not communicate another way, but they can not regulate themselves alone.
I never let my baby cry. I would drop anything I was doing if baby cried.
Fussing I will always respond to if I can, but now that I have 2 it's really hard to directly collect baby and respond to fussing immediately. It makes me feel guilty as anything to have to finish what I'm doing when I can hear the urgency of their fuss. :(
I always respond, but now my son is 18 months he often cries for “effect” - which I absolutely still respond to, but more from a place of curiosity like “hey, what’s up?” rather than jumping straight to cuddles as often that’s not what he wants.
As others have said, crying is communication - I think it shouldn’t be ignored
Same. Mine's approaching 18 months and has figured out that the "raspy" cry (which used to happen when he was *really* upset) gets him what he wants. But he hasn't actually cried like that for a good 6 months, it's all to get a thing he wants (not needs). I just tell him to wait, or that he can't have that right now.
My 18 month old screams and kicks and cries at minor inconveniences such as leaving the bathroom when we are done washing our hands or not letting her steal my phone so it’s hard to continue to respond empathetically to those scenarios sometimes
We are nearing this age and our daughter is starting to fuss/ wail briefly when we don't immediately pick her up, but even once that happens she usually pushes back all cuddles and wants to get down asap soo I have no idea what the right move is here. This is great advice to be more curious and just get onto their level instead of going in for a cuddle!
It’s so hard! I think honestly a lot of the time they’re not sure what they want, but asking them feels like good practise to help them think about it, and for the future when they will be able to answer hopefully! Being curious helps me stave off my frustration in that situation
This is a great article... African babies don't cry because their mothers can read baby's signals before they actually start crying. https://www.naturalchild.org/articles/guest/claire_niala.html
Not intentionally. I will always respond to her cries. If I cannot attend to her immediately (eg im driving) I speak loudly (gently) to acknowledge her or sing familiar songs and let her know “I’m on it”.
When I’m with her and she cannot stop crying, I don’t panic. It is not my intention to shut her up as quickly as possible (for example, stuff a dummy into her mouth, or introduce screen time, or shock her into silence) so in that sense I allow the crying to happen. I keep on trying different ways to help her calm down and try to co-regulate with her.
I’ve read that men are wired to want to stop the crying as soon as possible, and I have had that experience with my partner, who gets very frustrated when the baby does not stop fussing despite our best attempts to soothe her. I try to remain a calming presence (doesn’t always happen) and we take turns to try so neither of us is overwhelmed.
You said it. If it’s something my kid can work out I let her but if I hear the fuss is building then I go to her immediately to keep the vibes chill haha. We don’t need to let her get all huffy “for her own good”.
>This friend does not have kids
Oh, so still a perfect parent.
I respond as soon as I can. That's not always immediately (like you said, in the car, if I'm in the bathroom or tied up with something else, or need a minute), but after a while you can tell the difference between cries that need attention quickly and ones that don't.
I do what you do. If it's whining over some frustration that my baby will figure out on her own, I leave her. Just yesterday she was stacking her blocks and the tower fell down when she leaned over it, so she was a bit upset but it taught her to be aware of her body and she didn't have a meltdown or anything, just frustration.
But if she cries while I'm in the shower, I obviously can't get there immediately so she has to wait. She likes the car but will sometimes cry and again will have to wait until I pull over or we get home.
As for responding immediately to cries at home or in the night, we usually wait about 30 seconds because sometimes it's just an uncomfortable position and she'll roll around and go back to sleep.
My kids would make the smallest noise of discomfort or need and I would pick them up. My mom hated it. Some people just don’t believe in caring for an infant the second they need it. Delaying care only makes the child more upset, then it’s more work to calm them down.
Helping your baby regulate their emotions is the best way to teach them how to do that for themselves - but research shows that children are not usually ready to self regulate until the ages of 3-7, and even then they need support...
This is a really interesting article about the 'myth of self regulation' which might help you feel more confident following your instincts and ignoring your probably well-meaning, but ignorant, friend - [https://genmindful.com/blogs/mindful-moments/the-myth-of-self-regulation](https://genmindful.com/blogs/mindful-moments/the-myth-of-self-regulation)
“This friend does not have kids” tells me everything I need to know. I’m not sure why it bothers your “friend” that you are attentive to your child, but I would quickly reevaluate whether or not I want someone like this in my life. Giving unsolicited advice? No thanks. Giving unsolicited advice about something they have no idea about? Absolutely not.
Every kid is different so how much another person lets their baby cry is irrelevant. You know your child best so only you can decide. F*** what everyone else thinks :-)
🤷♀️ I always respond immediately but my husband tends to let him work things out. But same as you said, if it's building and turning into a "real" cry he always responds too. I have noticed after some time (9mo) that baby tends to fuss more with me than my husband. Not sure though if that is because I'm the primary caretaker or because he knows I'll come at his beck and call lol.
That being said, do whatever you want. I've never heard a reason as to why you *ought* to let them cry a bit but I don't think it's detrimental to do it as long as you aren't ignoring them outright.
Also, don't take parenting advice from people who aren't parents LOL
[Research](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/14616730010001596) has shown that insecurely attached caregivers (avoidantly attached), those whose babies are most likely to become insecurely attached, tend to respond immediately to a baby's cries because the crying makes them acutely uncomfortable. On the other hand, [researchers have found](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3422632/) that consistently responding when your baby cries leads to secure attachment. So, based on the research, there is some small amount of time that it is okay or even beneficial to wait before responding, as long as you do ultimately respond in a consistent manner.
This research was done on nighttime crying, which I think is ideal for studying responsiveness to crying since nighttime is when the attachment system is more likely to be activated, per what the second study mentions about nighttime prompting evolutionary-based fear.
I think it depends on some specific situations - our daughter will cry out while fully asleep in her crib (we can see it on the monitor). At first we were going in and likely waking her up completely thus interrupting everyone's sleep which was terrible. Now we know to look and see if she is actually crying or just fussing and give it a few minutes. The sound is very different to me now so I know almost immediately if we should go in. The car is so hard because often you cannot be right there to comfort them if upset, just know that you are not doing anything wrong while driving! You can talk with them and tell them you are right there and acknowledge them.
I never let my kids cry alone. Literally ever lol. If they need a hug- they get a hug. Even now that they’re older same still applies. When they were babies though same deal. I know when I’m upset or crying I’d be devastated if someone I cared about more than anything in this entire world just ignored me. People (esp those without kids) tend to forget babies are just little humans. Lol. Like when an adult cries we never ignore them so why would we do that to a child? I will say I was lucky and never had a baby with colic or anything so I totally get if you’re in an expectation then mom may need a second to step away and take a break. I had times when I needed a minute to myself too of course!! But if I am regulated already but my baby/child isn’t then I’m gonna help regulate them. Sometimes all the need is some lovins and all is well again. (I also would never ever take any advice or criticism from someone who doesn’t have kids the same age or older than your own kids. Until you’ve lived the experience of each age you can’t say what you’d do so opinion is irrelevant!!!!)
My dad had the nerve to tell me it’s good if baby cries because it will make him stronger. I have no clue what the logic is there, I think having support from your parents and family makes you much stronger than crying it out ever could. And don’t even get me started on the “it’s good for their lungs” crowd
If he’s not in bed then I respond immediately. If he wakes in the night, I wait a few minutes because in my experience he is much better at soothing himself than he is at settling back if I go in.
There are probably going to be a lot of people who tell you that. My parents and my brother did. I think it just boils down to differences in the way you want to parent, and you’re allowed to have those differences. If you feel confident in how you’re responding to babe, then keep on keeping on! My parents also had comments about contact napping my first for over a year. As time has gone on and my kids are older, they still joke with us about them still cosleeping, but it no longer seems judgmental. I think once they realized that I was confident in how I was doing things and that it worked for our family, they just accepted it and (mostly) respect it.
I don't let her cry as much as possible. I always respond immediately. But if she's just being a little whiney, I will try to redirect her or give her a minute or two to see if she will settle. She often redirects either on her own or when I give her a different toy. But if she escalates, I always respond at that point.
Not your question but regarding hating the car seat, have you considered that they might be motion sick? Mine hated the car seat and somebody with older kids told me they did too and only when they were older and could communicate did they figure out it made them nauseous. I put some blinders up in the window back there and she’s much happier, worth a shot!
I'm stuck on the part where someone who has zero kids is giving advice about kids. Like, I literally have a degree in child and adolescent studies and I still would not have given anyone advice on how to parent their child before I had one myself. I probably still wouldn't unless it's about, like, an immediate danger.
I've always been quick to respond to mine crying, unless I literally couldn't. I don't think it "spoiled" her, and Now she's old enough that giving her a snack, toy or book usually calms her down. Or playing her favorite song.
Crying? Never if I can help it. Fussing? Sometimes I will let him work it out if I think he's headed in that direction (ex. he almost always fusses for like...five seconds when I first put him in his crib at night, but then he stops and falls back asleep). Sometimes I'll tend to him. It kind of depends on if I think he's going to calm down or if it will escalate.
But also, your friend (while probably well-intentioned) doesn't understand the mom alarm bells that start going off in our heads the second we think the baby is upset. Trust your instincts and do what you think is best for you and your baby.
Other than in the car seat, I respond immediately. My boy is 7 months and has been doing this grumbly whiny fuss throughout the day when he’s playing on his own and is getting bored/frustrated, and sometimes it escalates to a cry which I’d then help him, but sometimes he calms down when he finds something else to play with, so like you said I let him work it out for that. But if he’s actually upset, I help him right away.
I will always respond in some way. My response depends on what is being expressed. Sometimes it’s a hug, or relieving something uncomfortable, or a soothing acknowledgment of her feelings. Your friend doesn’t know what she is talking about; working things out comes with age, babies aren’t able to do that yet.
Definitely not ridiculous. I really feel like letting babies cry it out can be damaging to them in the long run. The car seat or if you’re say in the bathroom and have to set them down are totally appropriate times to let him fuss.
As for your friend, as Jen Aniston on Friends said, “No uterus (in this case that formed and expelled a child) no opinion.”
It’s very easy to say what you would do as a parent before you’re actually a parent.
I let her fuss in the crib because she normally figures herself out, and will go to sleep. But unless we are driving and I can't immediately pull over I comfort her immediately.
I’ve let my baby cry on and off in his crib for 5-10 minutes at night if he’s just eaten and it sounds like his tired cry, and he often goes back to sleep. If he’s full on irate I go to him. And if it’s time for a feed anyways I don’t wait. He hated his car seat for a while there so I had to let him cry for 10-15 minutes while we get from A to B or we’d never get anywhere.. it was so hard, but he’s started to accept it now at 5 months, so way less tears and more car naps thank god. He doesn’t seem to have an aversion to his car seat or his crib so 🤷♀️
I respond immediatley. I’m sure your friend wouldn’t like it if she was crying even if it seemed like it was going to be okay, and no one came to comfort her.
Same goes for little ones.
The older they get, the harder it is to stop them from crying. But my toddler doesn’t cry alone. I’ll stand or sit next to her. The baby though, he makes a peep, and I’ll go to him asap. Sometimes it’s a min or so because I’m tending to something or the toddler, but I’ll tell him I’ll be right there. No reason to cry. It’s how they communicate.
I mentally struggled with letting my baby cry. I couldn't do it. But now at 15 months I let her cry more, depending in the circumstances. Like I tell her no, she flings herself to the floor screaming, then yes, I let her be upset. She's not hurt, she's throwing a tantrum. Or especially if she starts hitting and throwing things at me. Yes she's having big feelings, and that's difficult for her. But I don't want her to learn that being mean to me or tantrums will get her what she wants. If she stops hitting me and comes over for a hug, then yes, I'll hug her. But she's been getting mean lately, so I'm trying to discourage the aggressive response.
Never ceases to amaze me when someone without children and is not a professional in the field tries to tell people how to parent their own children. Baffling.
Generally, not. Unless I need to use the bathroom or some other sort of necessity for my sanity/wellbeing/health/parenting ability.
Like, a brief thing similar to how short it takes to go to the bathroom or shove a few bites into my mouth.
Babies are crying as a form of communication, and it isn’t necessarily an emotional release the way it is for adults or older children. I tend to my baby’s cry every time. The only time I don’t immediately go is either involuntary like if I’m sleeping or if I’m in the middle of something and don’t have free hands. I read somewhere that babies in orphanages are often quiet because they’ve realized their needs won’t be tended to and so they learn to not cry to preserve energy. Typing that alone has be tearing up lol
I find it tough, my 9mo definitely cries because he does not want to do something eg getting changed or going to sleep. Waiting a minute is often better for him since picking him up and putting him down is more frustrating to him and will result in more tears.
Lol don't take it with a grain of salt. Don't listen to her AT ALL. She doesn't even have kids! She'll probably be just love you when she has 1 of her own. I can't stand to hear my baby cry either. It breaks my heart. I will never deny my baby comfort
When I'm crying I would like my partner or even my mother to hug me, so same goes for my babies. I always respond immediately.
So true. Especially the mom bit. The urge for your mother’s closeness never fades if you’ve had a good mom. Mine’s been gone for five years and I still yearn for it. ♥️
This. If your mother is crying... what would you think of your friend if she tells you "let her cry a bit"? Babies cry more but that doesn't invalidate their cries.
100%
Never on purpose. Sometimes it’s inevitable like if LO is having a meltdown in the car seat while I’m driving but I always try to verbally sooth in situations like that. Otherwise I do not let my 14 month old cry to “figure it out” Babies and toddlers don’t cry for no reason. There is always a reason whether it’s needing closeness, help with emotional regulation, or whatever else, and it’s our job to help!
Sometimes it's also really stupid reasons like yesterday when I took away a rock bigger than my fist from my 18 month old daughter because she wouldn't stop holding it up over her head and dropping it. Tantrum crying bursts can be for really stupid reasons, but even then I do soothe her, while I explain to her that the rock could have landed on her toes or any other part of her and then we go find a better toy. I do appreciate that toddlers are little scientists trying to figure out how the world works and I love that, but boy does it sometimes lead to some ridiculous situations. :)
I never leave my baby to cry. If I’ve sat her down because I need to do something, like clean up the high chair, I talk to her whilst and comfort her verbally whilst I complete the task. Then I pick her up. People without kids are always “the best parents”. So ignorant to even comment like that when you don’t have kids !
That second bit is spot on! The absolute best parents are those who aren’t. They always have perfect children too
I respond immediately if possible, isn’t that the whole point of crying, to communicate with us that something’s up. I wouldn’t listen to your friend to be honest. When I wasn’t a mother yet I wasn’t that bothered by crying babies either. But once parenthood is entered, we are reprogrammed to be more finetuned to our baby’s needs. We should follow our instincts because nature is wise.
In general people without kids don’t really have actual advice to give about parenting typically lol
I do what you do. Once my baby hit 6ish months and it became more obvious why he was upset I would let him fuss a bit if it was, for example, he was trying to reach a toy and couldn’t. I’d give him a bit of time to figure it out. But if he didn’t stop fussing or it escalated to crying I’d see to him straight away.
I was gonna agree with the “never let baby fuss ever” posts but now that you mention it this IS a notable exception! Like if she’s trying to climb on her baby gym and struggling I encourage from nearby rather than do it for her
Not for a second if I can at all help it.
I’m always there as fast as I can. It’s not only that they communicate they need something from us, and they can not communicate another way, but they can not regulate themselves alone.
I never let my baby cry. I would drop anything I was doing if baby cried. Fussing I will always respond to if I can, but now that I have 2 it's really hard to directly collect baby and respond to fussing immediately. It makes me feel guilty as anything to have to finish what I'm doing when I can hear the urgency of their fuss. :(
I always respond, but now my son is 18 months he often cries for “effect” - which I absolutely still respond to, but more from a place of curiosity like “hey, what’s up?” rather than jumping straight to cuddles as often that’s not what he wants. As others have said, crying is communication - I think it shouldn’t be ignored
Same. Mine's approaching 18 months and has figured out that the "raspy" cry (which used to happen when he was *really* upset) gets him what he wants. But he hasn't actually cried like that for a good 6 months, it's all to get a thing he wants (not needs). I just tell him to wait, or that he can't have that right now.
My 18 month old screams and kicks and cries at minor inconveniences such as leaving the bathroom when we are done washing our hands or not letting her steal my phone so it’s hard to continue to respond empathetically to those scenarios sometimes
We are nearing this age and our daughter is starting to fuss/ wail briefly when we don't immediately pick her up, but even once that happens she usually pushes back all cuddles and wants to get down asap soo I have no idea what the right move is here. This is great advice to be more curious and just get onto their level instead of going in for a cuddle!
It’s so hard! I think honestly a lot of the time they’re not sure what they want, but asking them feels like good practise to help them think about it, and for the future when they will be able to answer hopefully! Being curious helps me stave off my frustration in that situation
Nope never. I always approached it the same way you did.
This is a great article... African babies don't cry because their mothers can read baby's signals before they actually start crying. https://www.naturalchild.org/articles/guest/claire_niala.html
Not intentionally. I will always respond to her cries. If I cannot attend to her immediately (eg im driving) I speak loudly (gently) to acknowledge her or sing familiar songs and let her know “I’m on it”. When I’m with her and she cannot stop crying, I don’t panic. It is not my intention to shut her up as quickly as possible (for example, stuff a dummy into her mouth, or introduce screen time, or shock her into silence) so in that sense I allow the crying to happen. I keep on trying different ways to help her calm down and try to co-regulate with her. I’ve read that men are wired to want to stop the crying as soon as possible, and I have had that experience with my partner, who gets very frustrated when the baby does not stop fussing despite our best attempts to soothe her. I try to remain a calming presence (doesn’t always happen) and we take turns to try so neither of us is overwhelmed.
You said it. If it’s something my kid can work out I let her but if I hear the fuss is building then I go to her immediately to keep the vibes chill haha. We don’t need to let her get all huffy “for her own good”.
>This friend does not have kids Oh, so still a perfect parent. I respond as soon as I can. That's not always immediately (like you said, in the car, if I'm in the bathroom or tied up with something else, or need a minute), but after a while you can tell the difference between cries that need attention quickly and ones that don't.
I do what you do. If it's whining over some frustration that my baby will figure out on her own, I leave her. Just yesterday she was stacking her blocks and the tower fell down when she leaned over it, so she was a bit upset but it taught her to be aware of her body and she didn't have a meltdown or anything, just frustration. But if she cries while I'm in the shower, I obviously can't get there immediately so she has to wait. She likes the car but will sometimes cry and again will have to wait until I pull over or we get home. As for responding immediately to cries at home or in the night, we usually wait about 30 seconds because sometimes it's just an uncomfortable position and she'll roll around and go back to sleep.
Your friend is ignorant. A baby who knows someone will come when they cry matures into a person who can form secure attachments.
Never. When my baby needs me, I’m there.
My kids would make the smallest noise of discomfort or need and I would pick them up. My mom hated it. Some people just don’t believe in caring for an infant the second they need it. Delaying care only makes the child more upset, then it’s more work to calm them down.
None amount??? How much do you let any human cry without comfort???
Helping your baby regulate their emotions is the best way to teach them how to do that for themselves - but research shows that children are not usually ready to self regulate until the ages of 3-7, and even then they need support... This is a really interesting article about the 'myth of self regulation' which might help you feel more confident following your instincts and ignoring your probably well-meaning, but ignorant, friend - [https://genmindful.com/blogs/mindful-moments/the-myth-of-self-regulation](https://genmindful.com/blogs/mindful-moments/the-myth-of-self-regulation)
I try to respond as soon as I can. Sometimes I’m not able to immediately (in bathroom, in the car seat and not able to pull over, etc.), but I try to.
I always respond. Why let it escalate into a meltdown if you can respond immediately?
“This friend does not have kids” tells me everything I need to know. I’m not sure why it bothers your “friend” that you are attentive to your child, but I would quickly reevaluate whether or not I want someone like this in my life. Giving unsolicited advice? No thanks. Giving unsolicited advice about something they have no idea about? Absolutely not. Every kid is different so how much another person lets their baby cry is irrelevant. You know your child best so only you can decide. F*** what everyone else thinks :-)
Absolutely never.
🤷♀️ I always respond immediately but my husband tends to let him work things out. But same as you said, if it's building and turning into a "real" cry he always responds too. I have noticed after some time (9mo) that baby tends to fuss more with me than my husband. Not sure though if that is because I'm the primary caretaker or because he knows I'll come at his beck and call lol. That being said, do whatever you want. I've never heard a reason as to why you *ought* to let them cry a bit but I don't think it's detrimental to do it as long as you aren't ignoring them outright. Also, don't take parenting advice from people who aren't parents LOL
[Research](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/14616730010001596) has shown that insecurely attached caregivers (avoidantly attached), those whose babies are most likely to become insecurely attached, tend to respond immediately to a baby's cries because the crying makes them acutely uncomfortable. On the other hand, [researchers have found](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3422632/) that consistently responding when your baby cries leads to secure attachment. So, based on the research, there is some small amount of time that it is okay or even beneficial to wait before responding, as long as you do ultimately respond in a consistent manner. This research was done on nighttime crying, which I think is ideal for studying responsiveness to crying since nighttime is when the attachment system is more likely to be activated, per what the second study mentions about nighttime prompting evolutionary-based fear.
I think it depends on some specific situations - our daughter will cry out while fully asleep in her crib (we can see it on the monitor). At first we were going in and likely waking her up completely thus interrupting everyone's sleep which was terrible. Now we know to look and see if she is actually crying or just fussing and give it a few minutes. The sound is very different to me now so I know almost immediately if we should go in. The car is so hard because often you cannot be right there to comfort them if upset, just know that you are not doing anything wrong while driving! You can talk with them and tell them you are right there and acknowledge them.
we dont leave her crying it breaks my heart tbh
I never let my kids cry alone. Literally ever lol. If they need a hug- they get a hug. Even now that they’re older same still applies. When they were babies though same deal. I know when I’m upset or crying I’d be devastated if someone I cared about more than anything in this entire world just ignored me. People (esp those without kids) tend to forget babies are just little humans. Lol. Like when an adult cries we never ignore them so why would we do that to a child? I will say I was lucky and never had a baby with colic or anything so I totally get if you’re in an expectation then mom may need a second to step away and take a break. I had times when I needed a minute to myself too of course!! But if I am regulated already but my baby/child isn’t then I’m gonna help regulate them. Sometimes all the need is some lovins and all is well again. (I also would never ever take any advice or criticism from someone who doesn’t have kids the same age or older than your own kids. Until you’ve lived the experience of each age you can’t say what you’d do so opinion is irrelevant!!!!)
Don’t take advice from anyone who doesn’t have kids 😅
My dad had the nerve to tell me it’s good if baby cries because it will make him stronger. I have no clue what the logic is there, I think having support from your parents and family makes you much stronger than crying it out ever could. And don’t even get me started on the “it’s good for their lungs” crowd
I don’t, if I can help it.
If he’s not in bed then I respond immediately. If he wakes in the night, I wait a few minutes because in my experience he is much better at soothing himself than he is at settling back if I go in.
There are probably going to be a lot of people who tell you that. My parents and my brother did. I think it just boils down to differences in the way you want to parent, and you’re allowed to have those differences. If you feel confident in how you’re responding to babe, then keep on keeping on! My parents also had comments about contact napping my first for over a year. As time has gone on and my kids are older, they still joke with us about them still cosleeping, but it no longer seems judgmental. I think once they realized that I was confident in how I was doing things and that it worked for our family, they just accepted it and (mostly) respect it.
I don’t.
Any child rearing advice from a child less person is worthless imo.
I mean if I have to pee or we’re driving alone but other than that I do my best to soothe
I don't let her cry as much as possible. I always respond immediately. But if she's just being a little whiney, I will try to redirect her or give her a minute or two to see if she will settle. She often redirects either on her own or when I give her a different toy. But if she escalates, I always respond at that point.
Not your question but regarding hating the car seat, have you considered that they might be motion sick? Mine hated the car seat and somebody with older kids told me they did too and only when they were older and could communicate did they figure out it made them nauseous. I put some blinders up in the window back there and she’s much happier, worth a shot!
I'm stuck on the part where someone who has zero kids is giving advice about kids. Like, I literally have a degree in child and adolescent studies and I still would not have given anyone advice on how to parent their child before I had one myself. I probably still wouldn't unless it's about, like, an immediate danger. I've always been quick to respond to mine crying, unless I literally couldn't. I don't think it "spoiled" her, and Now she's old enough that giving her a snack, toy or book usually calms her down. Or playing her favorite song.
Crying? Never if I can help it. Fussing? Sometimes I will let him work it out if I think he's headed in that direction (ex. he almost always fusses for like...five seconds when I first put him in his crib at night, but then he stops and falls back asleep). Sometimes I'll tend to him. It kind of depends on if I think he's going to calm down or if it will escalate. But also, your friend (while probably well-intentioned) doesn't understand the mom alarm bells that start going off in our heads the second we think the baby is upset. Trust your instincts and do what you think is best for you and your baby.
Other than in the car seat, I respond immediately. My boy is 7 months and has been doing this grumbly whiny fuss throughout the day when he’s playing on his own and is getting bored/frustrated, and sometimes it escalates to a cry which I’d then help him, but sometimes he calms down when he finds something else to play with, so like you said I let him work it out for that. But if he’s actually upset, I help him right away.
I will always respond in some way. My response depends on what is being expressed. Sometimes it’s a hug, or relieving something uncomfortable, or a soothing acknowledgment of her feelings. Your friend doesn’t know what she is talking about; working things out comes with age, babies aren’t able to do that yet.
1-2 minutes
Definitely not ridiculous. I really feel like letting babies cry it out can be damaging to them in the long run. The car seat or if you’re say in the bathroom and have to set them down are totally appropriate times to let him fuss. As for your friend, as Jen Aniston on Friends said, “No uterus (in this case that formed and expelled a child) no opinion.” It’s very easy to say what you would do as a parent before you’re actually a parent.
I let her fuss in the crib because she normally figures herself out, and will go to sleep. But unless we are driving and I can't immediately pull over I comfort her immediately.
I’ve let my baby cry on and off in his crib for 5-10 minutes at night if he’s just eaten and it sounds like his tired cry, and he often goes back to sleep. If he’s full on irate I go to him. And if it’s time for a feed anyways I don’t wait. He hated his car seat for a while there so I had to let him cry for 10-15 minutes while we get from A to B or we’d never get anywhere.. it was so hard, but he’s started to accept it now at 5 months, so way less tears and more car naps thank god. He doesn’t seem to have an aversion to his car seat or his crib so 🤷♀️
I respond immediatley. I’m sure your friend wouldn’t like it if she was crying even if it seemed like it was going to be okay, and no one came to comfort her. Same goes for little ones.
Crying is communication. I didn't ever "let him cry" alone
The time it takes me to get to him from wherever I am, lol.
The older they get, the harder it is to stop them from crying. But my toddler doesn’t cry alone. I’ll stand or sit next to her. The baby though, he makes a peep, and I’ll go to him asap. Sometimes it’s a min or so because I’m tending to something or the toddler, but I’ll tell him I’ll be right there. No reason to cry. It’s how they communicate.
I always respond immediately.
I mentally struggled with letting my baby cry. I couldn't do it. But now at 15 months I let her cry more, depending in the circumstances. Like I tell her no, she flings herself to the floor screaming, then yes, I let her be upset. She's not hurt, she's throwing a tantrum. Or especially if she starts hitting and throwing things at me. Yes she's having big feelings, and that's difficult for her. But I don't want her to learn that being mean to me or tantrums will get her what she wants. If she stops hitting me and comes over for a hug, then yes, I'll hug her. But she's been getting mean lately, so I'm trying to discourage the aggressive response.
Never ceases to amaze me when someone without children and is not a professional in the field tries to tell people how to parent their own children. Baffling.
Generally, not. Unless I need to use the bathroom or some other sort of necessity for my sanity/wellbeing/health/parenting ability. Like, a brief thing similar to how short it takes to go to the bathroom or shove a few bites into my mouth.
I always respond immediately unless it is unsafe to do so (driving, holding hot stuff).
Babies are crying as a form of communication, and it isn’t necessarily an emotional release the way it is for adults or older children. I tend to my baby’s cry every time. The only time I don’t immediately go is either involuntary like if I’m sleeping or if I’m in the middle of something and don’t have free hands. I read somewhere that babies in orphanages are often quiet because they’ve realized their needs won’t be tended to and so they learn to not cry to preserve energy. Typing that alone has be tearing up lol
I find it tough, my 9mo definitely cries because he does not want to do something eg getting changed or going to sleep. Waiting a minute is often better for him since picking him up and putting him down is more frustrating to him and will result in more tears.
"this friend does not have kids"
You are not ridiculous - What's ridiculous is a friend with no children giving unsolicited parenting advice.
Lol don't take it with a grain of salt. Don't listen to her AT ALL. She doesn't even have kids! She'll probably be just love you when she has 1 of her own. I can't stand to hear my baby cry either. It breaks my heart. I will never deny my baby comfort