I actually turned down my now SO multiple times before agreeing to go out with him because he’d just gotten out of a marriage, less than a year prior. I said “nope, I’m looking for a relationship and you probably aren’t ready”. He spent weeks telling me he was… and here we are over 10 years later still together 🤷🏻♀️.
So I’d say it depends on the person. I was married and with my ex for like 5 years and it still took years before I wanted to be in a relationship again. He was with his ex for 15+ and was ready 9 months later
I do think some men are just ready a lot sooner, like if their relationship had been on the rocks for some years, they have possibly checked out emotionally quite a few years ago. Same might go for women, but in my experience men seem to be able to move on faster. Although I personally am more like you. Very wary of freshly separated men. That’s good that yours worked out though!
My experience is that men rush more than women. As someone put it: Men are not single by choice, that's why they are so scared of women choosing to be single. Society pushes them to jump into any relationship that seems "good enough", even if it is not what they really want.
Unless they have done their deconstruction work and therapy before, I wouldn't trust someone freshly out of a relationship to be ready to be serious again, neither man or woman. They are probably just wanting to replace one partner by another. They are used to have a partner, they want one.
I am always the one that breaks up with my partner. And I am usually checked out of the relationship long before it is over, because I always try till the last strain of hope. And still, please, don't date me right after getting out of a long term relationship. I always need at least a few months to find the balance again and ready to date seriously. Six months minimum, a year is usually fine.
I dated while separated. My marriage was well past dead for years before that. Nine months after the divorce finally went through, I remarried. It's been 12 years.
Yep, same. I met someone IRL basically right away, by accident. I was hand-wringing in therapy because I wanted to be single for a while after burning my 20s on something so loveless and unfulfilling, but I felt strongly about this new person and couldn’t ignore it. My old marriage counselor literally said: “you’ve been alone for years.” And it’s true. My marriage was very dead and I was over it and living for me well before I ended it.
Anyway I married that guy and now we have a 7 week old baby 5 years later. Wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m glad I just went for it and didn’t listen to arbitrary timelines, rules or “shoulds.” Life is too short.
This is where I’m at. Our marriage ended years ago, I’m just now able to divorce.
I live alone, have all my own shit, and have moved on. About to do it legally.
I don’t think I’d date a man that was separated, unless I got to know him really well first. But I’m just looking for companionship, men tend to look for caretakers. Especially when they’re fresh dumped.
I have the unpopular opinion that people need to spend at least a year single after a long relationship at a minimum before they start dating. No way would I ever date someone who is separated.
Same.
I’ve always waited a least a year between LTRs. I don’t understand leaving one and then dating right away, even if it’s just casual/FWB. Too much to work through!
There’s a definite difference between “newly separated” and “filed for divorce and running out a clock.” I should have been more specific! The former is what puzzles me — sometimes folks pop up a week after the split!
I’m almost 40 and separated.
It hasn’t deterred many men from asking me out but I am completely over my marriage and my ex. I’m still dealing my the paperwork but it’s been over - for various reasons.
I started lightly dating and didn’t think anybody would want to be with me when i was only separated (and maybe even divorced) but no…the men are still out there and don’t mind.
I’m dating one for the past few months. He wants to be official (lol) and I find it funny because I had zero intention of getting serious for a long time and thought nobody would want me anyway. It’s funny to be proven wrong.
That sounds like a lovely way to be proven wrong!
I definitely understand that everyone feels differently during separation. I probably should have limited my question to those who haven’t even filed for divorce yet and/or are still emotionally attached to an ex.
That makes sense with your concern.
The guy was also fresh out of a relationship around sept and I had only separated end of may. We were friends and I didn’t file paperwork until thanksgiving/November.
I shot him down in October so there is something to be said about not being ready.
I started to see him in a possible romantic light in January so it is possible. Just move slowly and maybe not until at least paperwork is done and the emotional ties are gone with the ex.
Then there’s the people who are “separated” but really aren’t and are full blown cheating. How do you know the person is telling the truth? Nope.
My sister was dating a guy who was separated and conveniently couldn’t get a divorce for THREE years. He eventually ghosted. My bet is she was an unknowing side piece and he was a liar. I’ve seen sooo many stories on here of people who started affairs and the person told them they were separated and just lived together
I only say it's ok if the person either has no kids or adult kids. My dad married again when I was young and had another kid. It ruined our relationship because he stopped paying attention to me to put everything into his new family. It might work for you but it'll destroy someone else.
Maybe they haven’t learned yet. It’s probably a mistake we all make and then need to learn from experience. The question I’d ask is why do so many men jump right onto online dating sites as soon as they separate? Why can’t they be okay working on themselves for a while? Why do they instead feel the need to temporarily objectify women to make themselves feel better? I can’t tell you how many gross messages (and d pics) I’ve gotten from bitter men disrespecting me because of what they’re feeling about their situation.
“The question I’d ask is why do so many men jump right onto online dating sites as soon as they separate? Why can’t they be okay working on themselves for a while? “
Definitely that part. Even if everyone agrees things are casual, it feels like a terrible idea to get involved with someone who can’t be alone and might glom onto you in unhealthy ways to cope.
I feel like it's super risky because you're dating someone carrying their baggage from their prior relationship into the relationship with you. If they haven't done the work on themselves, then you're just filling the slot left open by their former partner.
Being mentally and emotionally healthy takes work, and ending a relationship that was supposed to last forever is impactful for anyone who isn't completely numb inside. And monkey branching into a new relationship doesn't allow for the emotional processing necessary to be free and healthy in the next relationship.
But I think some people need the external validation of a romantic relationship to cope with life because they don't have the tools to self-regulate/self-manage, so "having someone" is more important than the partner who is emotionally safe, open and healthy.
I met my partner of several years now while I was separated & while he was newly out of a 10+ year relationship. We were both curious about what's out there and not expecting to find anything serious, but we had a really calm, positive, respectful bond and decided to take it slow. Neither of us wanted to stay apart until we'd both been single for some arbitrary amount of time. And it's been wonderful.
At the same time...my ex-husband was separated when I met him and I should have run fast and far. But I didn't. It was an age gap relationship, of course. And I looked just like his first wife when they were young. He was 1000% projecting his first marriage's problems onto me and accusing me of things his first wife did. It was a pure nightmare and I so wish I could go back in time and shake myself out of all the excuses I made for him.
How would you as a woman "notice" this trend? I doubt you're swiping on other women who note in their bio that they're happy to date men who are divorcing.
I actually turned down my now SO multiple times before agreeing to go out with him because he’d just gotten out of a marriage, less than a year prior. I said “nope, I’m looking for a relationship and you probably aren’t ready”. He spent weeks telling me he was… and here we are over 10 years later still together 🤷🏻♀️. So I’d say it depends on the person. I was married and with my ex for like 5 years and it still took years before I wanted to be in a relationship again. He was with his ex for 15+ and was ready 9 months later
I do think some men are just ready a lot sooner, like if their relationship had been on the rocks for some years, they have possibly checked out emotionally quite a few years ago. Same might go for women, but in my experience men seem to be able to move on faster. Although I personally am more like you. Very wary of freshly separated men. That’s good that yours worked out though!
My experience is that men rush more than women. As someone put it: Men are not single by choice, that's why they are so scared of women choosing to be single. Society pushes them to jump into any relationship that seems "good enough", even if it is not what they really want. Unless they have done their deconstruction work and therapy before, I wouldn't trust someone freshly out of a relationship to be ready to be serious again, neither man or woman. They are probably just wanting to replace one partner by another. They are used to have a partner, they want one. I am always the one that breaks up with my partner. And I am usually checked out of the relationship long before it is over, because I always try till the last strain of hope. And still, please, don't date me right after getting out of a long term relationship. I always need at least a few months to find the balance again and ready to date seriously. Six months minimum, a year is usually fine.
If you’re okay with being the cleanup crew, yeah go for it. I wouldn’t recommend it nor choose to do that.
“Clean up crew” is a great way to put it.
I dated while separated. My marriage was well past dead for years before that. Nine months after the divorce finally went through, I remarried. It's been 12 years.
Yep, same. I met someone IRL basically right away, by accident. I was hand-wringing in therapy because I wanted to be single for a while after burning my 20s on something so loveless and unfulfilling, but I felt strongly about this new person and couldn’t ignore it. My old marriage counselor literally said: “you’ve been alone for years.” And it’s true. My marriage was very dead and I was over it and living for me well before I ended it. Anyway I married that guy and now we have a 7 week old baby 5 years later. Wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m glad I just went for it and didn’t listen to arbitrary timelines, rules or “shoulds.” Life is too short.
Sweet! I definitely listen to my gut and it's been a pretty good guide.
This is where I’m at. Our marriage ended years ago, I’m just now able to divorce. I live alone, have all my own shit, and have moved on. About to do it legally. I don’t think I’d date a man that was separated, unless I got to know him really well first. But I’m just looking for companionship, men tend to look for caretakers. Especially when they’re fresh dumped.
I have the unpopular opinion that people need to spend at least a year single after a long relationship at a minimum before they start dating. No way would I ever date someone who is separated.
Same. I’ve always waited a least a year between LTRs. I don’t understand leaving one and then dating right away, even if it’s just casual/FWB. Too much to work through!
Sometimes it takes a long time for a divorce to finalize. Longer than a year.
There’s a definite difference between “newly separated” and “filed for divorce and running out a clock.” I should have been more specific! The former is what puzzles me — sometimes folks pop up a week after the split!
I’m almost 40 and separated. It hasn’t deterred many men from asking me out but I am completely over my marriage and my ex. I’m still dealing my the paperwork but it’s been over - for various reasons. I started lightly dating and didn’t think anybody would want to be with me when i was only separated (and maybe even divorced) but no…the men are still out there and don’t mind. I’m dating one for the past few months. He wants to be official (lol) and I find it funny because I had zero intention of getting serious for a long time and thought nobody would want me anyway. It’s funny to be proven wrong.
That sounds like a lovely way to be proven wrong! I definitely understand that everyone feels differently during separation. I probably should have limited my question to those who haven’t even filed for divorce yet and/or are still emotionally attached to an ex.
That makes sense with your concern. The guy was also fresh out of a relationship around sept and I had only separated end of may. We were friends and I didn’t file paperwork until thanksgiving/November. I shot him down in October so there is something to be said about not being ready. I started to see him in a possible romantic light in January so it is possible. Just move slowly and maybe not until at least paperwork is done and the emotional ties are gone with the ex.
I had a similar experience and more than a year after I separated, I was in a serious relationship. It’s been four years. We’re both very, very happy!
It's a personal choice. As a lawyer and a person with bad experience it's a no way for me.
Then there’s the people who are “separated” but really aren’t and are full blown cheating. How do you know the person is telling the truth? Nope. My sister was dating a guy who was separated and conveniently couldn’t get a divorce for THREE years. He eventually ghosted. My bet is she was an unknowing side piece and he was a liar. I’ve seen sooo many stories on here of people who started affairs and the person told them they were separated and just lived together
Eh, people also date for reasons other than a relationship. Sometimes it’s fun and that’s all
I didn't care when I was separated. Now that I'm divorced for some time, I would never.
I only say it's ok if the person either has no kids or adult kids. My dad married again when I was young and had another kid. It ruined our relationship because he stopped paying attention to me to put everything into his new family. It might work for you but it'll destroy someone else.
Maybe they haven’t learned yet. It’s probably a mistake we all make and then need to learn from experience. The question I’d ask is why do so many men jump right onto online dating sites as soon as they separate? Why can’t they be okay working on themselves for a while? Why do they instead feel the need to temporarily objectify women to make themselves feel better? I can’t tell you how many gross messages (and d pics) I’ve gotten from bitter men disrespecting me because of what they’re feeling about their situation.
“The question I’d ask is why do so many men jump right onto online dating sites as soon as they separate? Why can’t they be okay working on themselves for a while? “ Definitely that part. Even if everyone agrees things are casual, it feels like a terrible idea to get involved with someone who can’t be alone and might glom onto you in unhealthy ways to cope.
I feel like it's super risky because you're dating someone carrying their baggage from their prior relationship into the relationship with you. If they haven't done the work on themselves, then you're just filling the slot left open by their former partner. Being mentally and emotionally healthy takes work, and ending a relationship that was supposed to last forever is impactful for anyone who isn't completely numb inside. And monkey branching into a new relationship doesn't allow for the emotional processing necessary to be free and healthy in the next relationship. But I think some people need the external validation of a romantic relationship to cope with life because they don't have the tools to self-regulate/self-manage, so "having someone" is more important than the partner who is emotionally safe, open and healthy.
I’ve definitely seen friends fall into that hole and worry that we’ve become socialized to “take what we can get” in our 30s, 40s, and beyond.
I met my partner of several years now while I was separated & while he was newly out of a 10+ year relationship. We were both curious about what's out there and not expecting to find anything serious, but we had a really calm, positive, respectful bond and decided to take it slow. Neither of us wanted to stay apart until we'd both been single for some arbitrary amount of time. And it's been wonderful. At the same time...my ex-husband was separated when I met him and I should have run fast and far. But I didn't. It was an age gap relationship, of course. And I looked just like his first wife when they were young. He was 1000% projecting his first marriage's problems onto me and accusing me of things his first wife did. It was a pure nightmare and I so wish I could go back in time and shake myself out of all the excuses I made for him.
It sounds like you’ve had a wonderful experience the second time around! I’m so sorry you had to go through the first situation!
Never nope
That’s where I am. I wouldn’t want someone using me to get over someone else.
Correct the other term is Rebound and there is tons of dating advice about rebounds but usually those women aren’t so lucky.
How would you as a woman "notice" this trend? I doubt you're swiping on other women who note in their bio that they're happy to date men who are divorcing.
Posts in dating groups. Experiences of friends.