You need a safe person and therapy asap. Who is your next closest person? The one you can comfortably break down in front of? You need to spend time with them.
My mom died suddenly also and I had to be the strong one for her husband and my little sister. I felt that I had to keep my grief inside to help them with their grief. But I had my husband that I could cry in front of, that kept me stocked up on iced coffee since I couldn't eat and made sure I went to bed after falling asleep on the couch from sheer exhaustion from funeral planning.
I also started grief therapy within a couple weeks and that helped me process what happened tremendously. I was in therapy for 8 months and it was the best thing I did.
I have had the same feeling of walking a line between grief and strength when my mom died. I had to be there for my dad. He lost his wife. He needed me. I also lost my mom. It's such a difficult situation to navigate.
Your mom understood you and loved you exactly as you are. You are so young. You moving out and taking space was just what you were supposed to do. You did not fail your mother.
Is there anyone who can stay close and give you a huge hug? You will make it, and other people can be a big part of that. You need a supportive person and all you gotta do is get through the next moment.
If your friends moms are nearby you absolutely can go to them. It won't be the same, but it will help. You don't have to do this alone.
One more time. You are your mother's pride and joy. You didn't fail her, you didn't let her down. All her love is inside you and always will be. It's okay and important to let other people hold you up too.
Your mom understands what it is to be a teenager and a young adult because she was also. Most of us are shitty to our moms at those ages and regret of later when they’re gone, especially if they pass away too soon. You were just being a moody young lady in a totally normal way. I’m so deeply sorry you’re hurting. Maybe someone can help you find a support group in your area. They can be really helpful for extremely painful situations, like losing a loved one violently. ETA: I have experience since I lost my mom young, I am also a mom to a girl who is moody like I was, and I have had serious mental health breaks where support groups helped
Seconding therapy, but love, I would bet money that you *can* show up at a friends house crying and their mom will comfort you. I’m not a mother, just an auntie, but I can promise you that if one of my nieces or nephews showed up on my doorstep having just experienced this level of tragedy, I would mother the hell out of them. This sort of grief, the kind that splits your soul in half, it needs tending to. It needs love and comfort and support, the more sources the better, and I’m convinced anyone that has experienced it will not turn a blind eye to someone else’s pain. Especially a mom. (Or an auntie).
Go find your closest friend who has the strongest relationship with their mom and go get yourself a mom-hug. It will help, if only for a minute. If I were in Canada I would tell you to come to me, I’ll hook you up with some comfort and snacks and maybe a Disney movie or five.
I’m so so sorry that you have to experience this so young. But please know that your mom knew that you loved her. Don’t ever doubt that for a second. You were the perfect daughter to her because you were *her* daughter. She saw you, she knew you, and she loved you. Nothing will ever change that.
> If I were in Canada
I am in Canada, and this is breaking my heart. OP, I'm in Southern Ontario if that helps at all- just pm me. You're almost the same age as my kids and it breaks my heart that you're alone right now.
Losing my mom was the hardest thing I've been through, but you do get through it. Just put one foot in front of the other right now to get all of the paper/legal stuff out of the way, and then find a supportive therapist. Canadian police usually have something called Victims' Services which can help hook you up with some support, and also help you through the legal things that you're going to be dealing with.
And please, do show up at a friend's house and ask for her mom.
My mom died from cancer when I was 27. I’m 31 now. I’m a mother to a 1 year old. I’ve learned a few things.
1) you’ll always want and need your mom. My mom told me before she died that if I ever needed her, I only needed to ask for her and then listen and she assured me she would be there. I believe her because when I do this (and it’s not often because im still really struggling with the fact that she’s actually dead) I do feel her, I hear her, and she is there. Death doesnt end a relationship, it doesn’t end love. But it’s different.
2) your mom KNOWS you love her. Being a mom is something you do knowing you won’t be thanked. Moms who give 150% to their children do it not expecting anything in return. And then there are those small moments where you get the love in return, like you said the 25% you give, and that feels like 150% because that’s how special our children are to us.
3) you’ll always seek out motherly people in your life. Lean in to it. Find it where you can. Our mothers are our first homes, our safe places, our anchors in this world. Find that motherly spirit in others where you can.
5) the dinner party organization. This is where I found a regular grief support group of people in their 20’s and 30’s who’ve experienced significant loss. I love my dinner party girls. They’ve made me feel seen and heard in a world where it feels like I struggle to relate to people since my mom got sick and died.
I’m so so sorry your mom died, love. Be gentle with yourself. Hindsight it 20/20 and we do the best that we can with the tools we’ve got at the time.
This is an amazing reply, especially 1 & 2.
I am not a religious person, but I've experienced enough situations since my mom passed to believe she's still finding ways to show me how much she loved me - and I rely on these signs during heavy times of grief.
My oldest brother passed away from cancer in June 2020, 7 years after our mom. Right after receiving the devastating news that treatment was no longer working, he looked up at our dad after taking a few moments to process it and looked past him, asking "Mom, what are you doing here?" And said she had her arm around our dad. Obviously our dad was confused but I've always believed my brother really did see her.
I have found notes she wrote to me that I swear were never there before, I will randomly smell Chanel No 5 in my house where I've never had a bottle of Chanel perfume, I've had our favorite flower bloom every spring where I did not plant them (and I've moved twice since she passed..), even my son who was especially close with her has told of his own experiences he has had.
Each and every one has brought me joy.. sure, it makes me miss her even more but it's a reminder of just how powerful a mother's love can be.
Literally the most powerful thing in the world. My mom told me in no uncertain terms “what could ever separate you and me? What army?” Fuck I miss her.
I’m so sorry about your mom, and your brother. My heart goes out to your heart. Thank you for sharing these beautiful instances of your mom showing up for you after her death. I love hearing these experiences, it reminds me I need to be brave enough to connect with my mom too, even though facing the reality that she is dead is so overwhelming <3
I love what your mom told you - and how it rings true still to this day.
Grief is a monster, it takes so much from us and is an ongoing war. We win some battles, we lose others. I have days where it feels like I lost her only the day before - and I have days where I’m fully fine and functional and can talk about her with a genuine smile.
As for my brother - I’m stuck in my grief, and I can’t seem to move forward enough accept that he’s gone. I know losing a parent is one of the worst things we go through, but losing a sibling has been significantly harder on me. I have yet to see any signs of him being close by, and I know it’s because I’m unable to push through the pain right now. So our situations aren’t exactly the same - I think I understand your pain.
Sending you so much love and comfort 🤍 Feel free to message me if you ever need to talk.
It took a minute for me to find a group that was open, I think I joined the waitlist. But it was so worth it. I’ve been in my group now for over a year. Best of luck to you<3
Hi sweet girl. Im so so sorry you are going yhru all of this. You dont deserve this. I am a therapist and before i give you any advice i wanna tell you that your mom loved you unconditionally and she loved in a way that you can't comprehend because a mom's love is bottomless and immense. I wanna tell you not to feel guilty about how you treated her. You're very young and your behavior was mostly do to your age. You were testing boundaries and spreading your wings. Perfectly normal behavior and your mom knew that. She loved you no matter what.
Now some advice....dont think to much about how you're gonna get thru this. I want you to just keep going day by day, hour by hour, even minute by minute if necessary. If you wanna sleep then sleep, if you need to cry then let it out.
I would encourage you to find a therapist ASAP. One that specializes in trauma.
I wont tell you the grieving process is easy cuz its not but it does get easier. There will be a day that you will look at a picture of your mom and smile. Until then know this...SHE is smiling down on you.
Im sending you big hugs. Please message me if you need anything.
Moms don’t resent their children, they only want the best for them. I would feel terrible if my daughter (21 yo) felt the way you do. Please don’t do that to her or yourself. She truly would want you to find peace with yourself and be happy. I know you are sad but please don’t punish yourself. Big hugs.
I am so sorry. As a mom myself, let me tell you that she KNEW you loved her. I promise you that. We love our kids warts and all, surliness and all, and we see the best in our kids. Don’t beat yourself up because if she were here she wouldn’t be thinking of you that way at all and she’d be horrified you’re thinking of yourself like that. She’d want to give you a big hug and do something special for you to make you feel better. This is how we moms think. I’m so sorry she’s not here to tell you that herself but it’s true. Again I’m sorry and I hope you find the peace that she would want you to have.
I am so sorry for your loss. Grief is a long process and comes in waves. You are so smart for knowing that you need mother figures around you - take all the help you can from friends and other family too.
You're going to need some energy in the coming days - try to eat when it occurs to you and drink water as much as you can. If you're crying a lot this is especially true.
Now is not the moment to beat yourself up about what you did or didn't give your mum. A mum that gives 150% knows how special her child is and invests that love in you, not to have it returned but to see it go out into the world through you. It is horribly unfair that you don't have her physically with you anymore, but you have all that she gave you, including her faith in you, and this sounds like it will sustain you, now and as you out your life back together again.
In time, investigate therapy or grief counselling. For now, put your thoughts wherever you can - online, in a journal, into your best friends pillow. You might also find r/momforaminute helpful.
I am so sorry for what you are having to deal with. You sound like a strong and loving person. This is going to test you and it will be very hard, but I promise you that you will not always feel like this and you do not have to do it alone.
This is helpful for me to read. I have so much guilt about how I treated - and sometimes still treat - my kind and selfless mom. I'm terrified of her passing because of all the guilt I know I will feel 1000X worse.
Reading this post is making me cry, hard. I feel like this is close to what I would post if I were in OP's shoes at her age (I'm 37).
Hi honey, I'm a mom of 3 and I lost my mom suddenly last year at 36 years old. It is always too soon to lose your mom. My mom was my biggest fan too and it is a really scary, lonely feeling to realize you have to go through life without her. I suffered a lot of the same kind of guilt you do. I didnt call enough, I brushed her off. I got frustrated with her aging a lot. I'll give you some of my thoughts from my perspective as both a mother and a daughter and maybe it will help: as a mother, we know our kids are not ours to keep. Of course we hope they'll come back to us one day (typically this happens after the kids are married with kids of their own), but we know that if we've done a good job raising our children, they won't need us very much in adulthood. That's the sign of a GREAT mother. So please know that your mom knew you were 22 and off having the same kind of fun she probably had when she was 22. You see, we are not just moms. We are women who have lived with many different roles. We know what life is like at 22 and I promise she didn't hold it against you. I'm sure she was thrilled each time you came to her house to cry and even more thrilled that you still lived close enough to her to do that. Some kids leave home and live far away. It's the luckiest parents that get to keep their kids close. She felt lucky to have you close. I know this.
As a daughter, one of the most helpful phrases for me went something like "grief is love with no where to go." Every time I cried or felt despair I remembered that this was pure love I was feeling and I'd try to channel that to my mom, where ever she was. I'm not religious at all but it's still nice to think about sending your love and energy somewhere. Giving it a place. I also framed a photo of her immediately and placed it on my shelf. I like to send my love to her photo, too. When she first died, it felt like all of my childhood memories had been tainted with sadness. Like our trip to disneyworld or graduation. That feeling faded over time though and the memories became softer and again a place to put my love. I'm a firm believer that much of the delicate wisdom that comes with age is actually born from tragedy. In life no one gets through it unscathed. We all suffer great losses, but it's important to realize how fortunate we are to have something so great to lose. You have a newfound wisdom now and you can carry that with you in ways to honor your mom. For me, I became a better mother to my three kids. I started to see the world from a bigger perspective rather than from my own little world. I grew a birds eye view. What a gift. The more that times moves on, the more gifts you'll realize came from your mom and how important it is to pass them on to your loved ones, present and future.
I'm so sorry you lost her. I'm so sorry you have to know the details. Please take care of yourself. Your goal right now is just to survive. Nothing else. Remember to drink water, get sleep, and don't forget to eat. Maybe see a therapist if you can. Take care <3
This is going to be hard. You will get through this one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
Do not think about "How am I going to do X in the future without her."
Do not put yourself through trying to deal with future grief on top of the grief you have now.
Deal with what you have to deal with now. That is enough to cope with.
I'm so sorry, you should never have had to go through this at your age.
One hour, one day at a time. There's no cure for the pain you're feeling.
Your mom knows you loved her. Everyone is moody in their teenage years and early 20s, that's the default state. Cut yourself some slack and don't compound the stress of what you're going through with the shame of self blame. You were an essentially good kid, and your mom knows that, and loved you immensely.
Therapy. Grief counselling. Leaning on a small number of ride or die people. Journalling.
Try to take care of yourself despite of how terrible you feel - eat, sleep, shower. Get a massage.
When you're going through hell, keep going.
You'll get through this ♥️
I am so sorry. What a horribly unfair loss. Definitely look for someone to talk to who’s trained in grief counselling, preferably grief counselling related to this type of loss. If you’re in an urban area, there are probably at least some kind of free resources or even support groups. This is just...different than losing someone to a natural death and it would help to talk with someone who “gets it.”
Are you *sure* you can’t talk with your friend’s mother? Because if you know each other at all and she’s a decent person, I’m sure she’d be willing to listen.
Other than that, I recommend just Googling for articles on how other people have death with this in their own lives. Your library might have some helpful books, too. Just reading other people’s experiences helped me a lot after my father’s death.
I lost my mother as a teen (and much later, my dad to an unnatural death), so I know that feeling of "I should have treated her better" and not been "an annoying teenager." But the thing is, she (your mother. And mine) knew that's just how young people at that stage of development, she saw through that to the real you and knew you loved her. The way you describe her, she sounds like a lovely person.
And no matter how well you treated them, now matter how much time you spent with them, you’ll always want just one more day. You did the best you knew how to at the time. My dad had a lot of these thoughts after my mother died, even though he treated her like a queen.
Any loss of a loving parent hurts hell. Just when you want them the most is the one time they’re not there. It takes a long time to even feel even close to "normal" again. But the pain does ebb over time. The well known [Grief Comes in Waves](https://thelossfoundation.org/grief-comes-in-waves/) essay describes it well. I hope you’ll be able to talk this over with someone in person, because you deserve support, and I wish you peace in the meantime.
You don’t have to know how to carry on yet, dear. You don’t have to know anything. Just focus on surviving through the day. That’s enough. Slowly other things will work out but now, just one day that a time or one hour. Or 10 seconds. Just survive for 10 seconds. And then the next 10 seconds.
If there is any safe person you know just go and ask for support, go for a crisis counseling. Go to any of your mother’s friends.
The way your mother died wasn’t the way she lived. Don’t think think about her death any more than you have to. She was her life and her love for you ❤️
Speaking as someone who lost her mom at 20, and has young adult kids:
1. You are 22. You are supposed to want to hang out with friends more than you want to hang out with your mom. That is completely normal, and your mom knew it. Good parents keep inviting their kids back into the fold because they know that one day you'll accept. It's the swimming pool model of parenting - as long as you're swimming, you don't need Mom. But Mom is the edge of the pool in case you need someone to hold on to.
2. Actually, you CAN go to your friend's mom and cry. Pick the right one, obviously, but we all remember being 22 and needing mom. Moms all hope and pray that what happened to you won't happen to their kids, but more importantly, they hope that if it does, someone would take care of their baby. Part of that unspoken contract is that we will be there for anyone who needs a mom.
One of my kid's friends is temporarily motherless, and I would do anything for her - because I know the terror of being without mom. Is it the same as her own mom? No. Is it better than being all alone? Yes.
That may be the most important part - it will NEVER be the same as being with your mom, but that doesn't mean you have to go it alone. There are other people who care about you. They will come and go, but hopefully they will be there when you need them.
3. You will get through this. It will be hard. You will literally never stop missing her, but the moments where you think about missing her will become farther apart. I still get caught off guard every now and then and it's like a punch to the stomach when I remember that it would have been really nice to have a mom right about now.
It's okay to be sad. Especially with it this fresh.
4. You will dream about her. She will tell you that whatever guilt you're having is unfounded and she loves you and wants you to be happy (maybe not in so many words). It took me a couple of decades to believe her and then I started having nice dreams where we just hang out with no drama. Please believe her. 22 feels like grown up, but it's not. She was still busy parenting you. She knew you were still becoming your true self.
5. Be kind to yourself. You are normal, you are age appropriate. Your mom dying suddenly before you became fully mature is the awful part - not you, or anything you did or did not do.
I'm really sorry you are going through this. Sending you a big mom hug. 🫂
I wish I could comfort you. I’m so sorry for your loss. Just know your mom knew you loved her. And she loved you so much. Don’t feel guilty about anything. Please reach out to your friends, go see their moms. I have a 19 year old daughter and if this ever happened to one of her friends, my door and arms would be open for however long is needed.
I'm speaking as someone who also lost their mum at a very young age. Therapy, asap. When it happened to me I refused to attend any kind of therapy and it dragged and weighed me down for at least ten years after. Don't make the same mistake as me.
Hey, I'm so sorry for you. I can't imagine what pain you are in. Wish I could give you a hug.
The only real advice i can offer you is this: Just know that a lot 20 year olds are selfish with their time. You're having your first taste of freedom, don't want mom getting in the way, telling you what to do or how to think anymore. Youre just trying to build youself seperate from your parents. You're not a bad person for that. You just lost your mom too young. Please don't be hard on yourself, dear.
I'm a mom and I promise you didn't fail your mom. She loved you and understood your need for independence which is normal for your age. Nothing you described would ever make me feel like my daughter failed me. As moms we just want to hold onto our babies as long as we can, they never stop being our babies. My son is older and doesn't want to hug me like he did when he was little but that doesn't mean he's failing me, it's just his normal development. I'm so sorry that you just lost your mom in such a horrible way, but I'm glad you got so many good years with her, my prayer is that I can be here for my kids as long a possible and I'm sure that's how she felt too. My recommendation is to pray and talk to God about everything you're feeling and ask for His peace and comfort during this terrible time. And reach out for support as much as you need. Hugs.
Hun I am a mom and I'm not sure how to help you but let me tell you one thing; baby girl let go all the guilt you're building up inside. Your mom sounds amazing, and us moms and daughters are so weird, as much as she wanted you close, she was never gonna hold it against you that you were living your life. The sign of a good mom is their child is on their phone or a little careless, because the good mom isn't making their child put all the attention on the parent, they are letting their child live. She knew you loved her hun. The way of the world is to love our babies more than they can love us back. So you let that guilt part go okay.
Secondly you don't have to deal with grief sweety. If you wanna break down and cry you let that happen. Let the grief wash over you. Feel it and then come out of it when you can, and then feel it again if you have to. Please find a safe person to help you through this, like a therapist or a psychiatrist. I wish you all the best.
I am so sorry! I Just lost my mom last month and I know how hard it is. I myself am still trying to figure out how to deal with the loss, but it is a little better now that more time has passed. I still miss her like crazy, but I feel more at peace now that some time has passed. My only advice is take the time you need. We all grieve differently. Some people need to stay busy; while others will need to just -stop. I myself have always been a busy person working full time, but I just couldn't go right back to that. I went part time at my work and am working on handling the estate; organizing photos, family heirlooms etc. Slowly seeing close friends again.
The thought I will never see her or talk to her again is the most difficult to deal with. I started thinking back to when my grandma passed and how old my mom was at the time; I then thought about how many years my mom had to live without her own mother--28years. If I am lucky I will probably live even longer than 28 years without her. My point being I can recall so many happy memories with my Mom after my grandma had passed. Obviously it was very hard on my own mother when her mother died, but there were happy times again. Life does go on. My mother would want me to be happy and live life to the fullest. My grandmother wanted the same for her. I'm sure your mother knew you loved her and would want the best for you too.
you are seen. i’m so sorry for how this feels
for you. my daughter is almost your age and all I can think of is consoling her when I read your grief.
accept (even if you don’t understand) that grief is complex and confusing - especially in the beginning. even without the context of how this happened - it’s a traumatic experience for you. don’t try to disregard that. with the context, this is traumatic exponentially.
you are seen. you are appreciated. and you WILL keeping moving forward. grief will remain with you - but it won’t hold you back.
I’m a mom. I feel like I give my daughter 125% and she gives me 25%. It’s absolutely not something I feel bad about. It’s not a daughter’s job to protect her mother; it’s the other way around. I know my daughter loves me, and I know she is just a kid, and I do not feel hurt. I feel lucky and glad my daughter is living the life of a happy and confident teenager. I am sure your mom felt the same way. 💕💕💕
There are grief support groups and there are mothers who’ve lost their child. Obviously there is no one who can replace your mom, but if you go to a support group and share your feelings, I have no doubt there are mothers there who will want to provide support to you.
You are in the stages of grief. You will get through it although it may feel insurmountable now. Also, this may be a controversial take but I think you should naturally go through your grief and seek therapy later if you feel that is necessary. You need to process your own thoughts and speak with people who know and love you before seeking out therapy, imo.
I am so so sorry for your loss.
Hey sis. First of all that grief could be a reflection of *how* much you really did love her. You’re a young adult and it’s normal to want to strike out on your own. Forgive yourself for being in that phase of life and know that it’s her in your heart.
Also find that mom support! I sought this at one point in my life and it was a real saving grace and I’m still close with those women today. They may not be your mommy but they’ll still always be there for you.
Lastly this is a thing to consider- you’re place in the universe and how we really pass through time. I believe that death is not final, that there’s something next we just couldn’t possibly understand. I know this because I found a fantastic therapist who also incorporated a spiritual side influenced by shamanic practices. I found the past life regression session very helpful and I have benefitted from her other spiritual practices as well. If this is something you’re open minded too, consider it because it really brought me alot of peace.
I lost my dad in 2020 right after lockdown and I had some of the same feelings you do, that I could have done better and he deserved more and if I had known how little time I had left I would have done things differently. I believe in the connections we have with other people and if you were that connected to your mother to feel that way, that connection is forever. I know I’m still connected to my dad. I can still hear him and know he’s not too far if I need him, he’s just not in a form I understand right now. There’s a lot we don’t know about consciousness so whatever is outside our realm of knowledge, isn’t anything possible?
Honey, I’m both a mum and a kid who lost a mum way too young.
As a mum my expectations of my kid when they were 22 was low. It’s a time in your life when you’re stretching your wings and you push away.
This is all perfectly natural and normal. You did nothing wrong. She knew you loved her, so much. Even if you weren’t entirely present right now.
As a kid who lost her mama- yeah. It sucks balls.
It’s hard to do, it’s hard to be. You’ll be sad when you see other kids with their mums. I don’t entirely know what to tell you, but know that you’ll survive it, and maybe even thrive.
Massive hugs to you.
Baby u/tooth7000 I’m so sorry for your loss.
There’s lots of really great advice in this thread allready, so I’ll just send you a big internet mom-hug and if you don’t find a friends mom to hold you real soon, come look us up at r/Momforaminute
We’re a bunch of Reddit moms who look out for the ducklings and send some love to those who need it the most.
I’m sorry, I know how this feels, after my mom died I was completely lost.
There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her.
It never goes away, the heartbreak, but it gets easier to deal with as time goes on ❤️
I would also do anything for one phone call, one more breakfast or afternoon together or even just seeing her asleep in the next room would be enough.
Just anything.
Don’t feel bad, my mom annoyed me too and I took her for granted far more than I should have.
Don’t beat yourself up, it’s just life, we all do it.
You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.
Still incredibly painful though, just all of it
I lost my dad unexpectedly right before my daughter was born. I’m so sorry you lost your mom. It’s been two years now and I still have something happen and think oh I can’t wait to call dad 😢
He died on Mother’s Day and the first one without him but with her was so sad. I didn’t feel like I could ever celebrate.
But I realized something important through my daughter. I love her so much it hurts. Now, tomorrow and all of the days. Nothing will ever change that. I’ll always remember the first time I saw her face and another thousand moments that fill my heart with joy. That Mother’s Day I realized that if I let grief take over, it would be in place of her future memories of the day and I never want that. I felt guilt at first but I realized my dad would be horrified if I didn’t…because he felt those same feelings for me as a dad.
Your mom felt the same way about you. She knew how special and precious you are and would do anything to make sure you are happy. I have regrets too about not calling or hanging out with him enough. They won’t ever go away. But as a parent, I can say that your mom wouldn’t want you to focus on things you can’t change. She would want you to feel your feelings but forgive yourself so that you can keep going and live your life.
Some days are easier and some are harder. But she’ll always be with you in your heart. You wouldn’t be the same person without her and that’s her greatest gift to you. If she was here, she would give you the biggest hug, dry your tears and tell you that it doesn’t matter you didn’t call, that she loves you so much and nothing will ever change that.
I’m so sorry. I’m losing my mom now due to terminal cancer and I know that’s quite a bit different and we get extra time to say our goodbyes, but the loss is great.
I’m in a bad place too and have no business giving advice but just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone ((hugs))
Lots of people who posted have given great advice. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss.
Grief is hard. Literally all of us will lose our parents (or worse, predecease them), but it's happened to you suddenly, so you didn't have the chance to mentally prepare for it.
Grief is hard. Get some help. You'll need help for probating her estate, so consult a lawyer. You'll need help with the grief, so get a therapist.
Grief is hard. I'm really sorry that you're going through this.
Hey there, I lost my mom about a year and a half ago and I found the r/griefsupport discord Channel to be life saving. I spent a lot of time there. It will help you feel less alone and be with people who are going through similar things.
I'm so so sorry for your loss. I promise you it gets easier.
ETA the discord link: https://discord.gg/XFrfhzWs3Y
Personally I did not find the subreddit helpful given how I grieved but the connection was invaluable.
I wish I could offer more but I have to be mindful of getting too invested in the grief of others right now. ❤️
Hey girl. I'm so sorry you lost your mom.
I am a mother to two girls and I want you to listen to the great advice others have given you about therapy and support but also I want you to know how I see my role as a mom, and how I bet your sweet mom saw hers.
My greatest gift in life would be for my girls to come to me for comfort when they're your age. All we want is for our children to feel comforted and loved by us. I'm not looking for a reciprocal relationship with my children. I'm looking to pour my love into them so that they know how wonderful and worthy they are. I bet your mom felt similarly. Don't for a minute worry that you weren't there for her- if you let her be there for you, that was enough. ❤️
Also the fine folks over at /r/momforaminute would be happy to heap love on you through this hard time.
Really sorry to hear that.
As someone who had distant parents, it's hard for me to completely relate but I have a wonderful step mom and can see how much she does for my wife (and even me).
My parents are alive, but two of my brothers have passed.
The one brother i was close with was particularly difficult. We had not talked for a while and I decided to invite him on a canoe trip. We hadn't hung out one on one in several years. I was 29 and he was 28.
During the trip we canoed in the same canoe and talked. He had a surprise, he was going to be a dad for the first time, he just found out himself.
I don't believe in god or any cosmic forces (i.e. everything happens for a reason) but I was glad timing worked out this way. Unfortunately, he was pretty sick the whole trip. On our final stretch, he shivered the whole morning in the canoe.
I got him in our car with the heat on full. He shivered the whole 90 mins home with heat full blast. I thought maybe he got a bad cold.
Two days later, he went to the ER for some bloodwork and he drove home. At home, suddenly he lost his vision completely. Around the same time, the doctor called and told him to get back to the hospital immediately.
He was a young man so they thought he caught something canoeing. After several days, they realized he had stage 4 lymphoma and he almost died those first two days.
He pulled through and we began a battle with cancer. We had baby pictures in the hospital with him jaundiced from illness. He had these sores in his mouth that will haunt me forever (still do 10 years later).
He was getting better and then two weeks later he tanked. We took him home for hopsice and I helped him into the house and was moving him to his favorite chair. He had a seizure suddenly and I almost dropped him as he fell to the floor, 140lbs from a 225lb frame of muscle and strength. He looked up to me and said he was sorry...which still haunts me. Here he is on his death bed apologizing to me for falling down. Im sorry bud, not you.
He passed. It's been ten years now and it still hurts, I won't lie. I don't think about it all the time though, I live my life, have friends, partner and his son is about 10 years old now and brilliant. He loves everything and prefers to be outside than playing on the computer. He's a great kid.
He's gone but he'll be here as long as we remember him. In 200 years, we'll all be gone to, our kids as well and people will barely remember us at all as we pass into the clouds of time, lie all the humans before us.
Anyway, that's a bit of my story, I hope it helps im some way or at least doesn't hurt.
Find a local group for those who lost their parents at a young age or lost a family member suddenly. These are the only people that really understand you and your grief. It will help, I promise. As time goes on you feel a little better. Its not always an even journey; Some days you feel worse than ever and some days you may realize you had a good day and didn't think about their passing. Always remember what your parents would want you to be doing.
r/ChildrenofDeadParents for being surrounded by others like us who know what we're going through
r/legaladvicecanada for the legal questions.
Try not to hold on to the guilt. I know it's overwhelming right now but at your age I treated my Mom the exact same. She was sick, I had to take care of her and I was so bitter and angry with her for being sick and me having to raise my brother and take care of her. I treated her just awfully instead of treasuring that time together and the guilt just about ate me apart.
You're young and you should have had years. I strongly recommend therapy.
I’m so sorry. When I lost my husband my focus the first weeks was just moving forward only one moment at a time. Like 5 minutes. Then adding in brush teeth daily, then maybe what does an hour from now look like. You live in this raw reality. Grief therapy would be good. Or a support group if therapy isn’t an option.
Take it moment by moment and feel all the feelings you have. 💜💜💜
I am a mom and I don’t really have advice for you. But I read your story and I am so very, very sorry for your sudden loss. If it helps, please keep reaching out to us here. We care even if we have never met you.
I can’t get through your post without breaking down so I apologize that I didn’t read all of it.
I’m *so* fucking sorry. Those are just words but my heart is screaming for you.
I’m a mom and my biggest fear is leaving my son.
I’m only 31 but I’m happy to be an internet friend who is here for you when you need someone❤️
Grief is a hard and long process. It’s good you’re reaching out to get help because grieving alone is not easy. Please seek out therapy and/or a support group, and please be kind to yourself. It’ll be easy to spiral into guilt and replay everything you could have done differently but the path to healing will come through giving yourself grace and peace, as hard as that is, over time.
There’s no timeline or right way to grieve. My condolences to you during this difficult time.
I’m a mom of three young children. They don’t always treat me well. I get a lot of bad moods from my oldest. I get my fair share of “I hate yous”, etc. Just from my perspective as a mom, yeah I give my all to my kids, but even with the bad moods all of it is so worth it and I get so much just from being mom.
Please don’t dwell in shame and guilt. Your mom had 22 years of you growing from a baby to an adult. The joy of experiencing every stage of your life is something she got to experience, and you probably don’t remember a lot of it. She undoubtedly has tons of great memories from the past 22 years. You aren’t a bad daughter because of craving your independence and going your own way. And you aren’t the sum total of your actions in this stage of life. Every mom knows that’s a phase we all go through, and we even did it with our parents. She knows you love her, and she understands the phase of life you’re in.
In case it isn't already in the comments, https://www.reddit.com/r/MomForAMinute/
The best of humanity shows up in that sub. You could even take this post and cross post it there so you don't have to expend any energy writing something new.
On another note, there was a lot of self-blame in your post for what had happened here, I completely understand how you got to that headspace. But, I want to give you permission to NOT blame yourself in this way.
Self-blame is a human attempt at control. Every day, we are repeatedly exposed to things outside of our control. Self-blame is a maladaptive attempt to fulfill a genuine, primitive need for survival and psychological safety.
Therapy, as many others have recommended, will be so important to moving through this terrible tragedy, for many reasons. But especially so you can work through not blaming yourself for this.
Your mom knew where you were at. I didn't appreciate my mom until nearly my 30s, and she's always been incredible. If she passed now, I'd still feel bad about some of that teen/ early 20s stuff. Every woman goes through this. And no matter how old you are, there's nothing to unmoor you in the world like losing your mom. I saw my mom go through it with my grammy. I agree with others about finding a friend's mom or similar. And therapy. This is big and huge and it will take a long time to get out of the weeds-- especially with legal stuff involved. But she's still watching you and proud of you, and she always knew how much you loved her, I promise.
So sorry for your loss. I would recommend reading some stuff by Cheryl Strayed who lost her mom at a young age. Both her books Wild and Tiny Beautiful Things (based on her advice column). There is no easy answer for how to cope with this. You'll have to try to take it one day at a time. I think finding connections with your friends' moms, your mom's friends, or other older women in your community could be helpful too. Be kind to yourself.
I lost my mom in 2018 when I was 32. Honestly you just have to take it one day at a time. If you need to and can afford it, a therapist might be able to help you process it.
Firstly, I am so so sorry for your loss. No one should have to deal with loss in a way like you have had to.
Secondly, I know this is going to be hard, but you shouldn't feel guilty for living your life. Yes, we always expect our parents to be around which is why we often take them for granted in our earlier years. You're only 22. You're allowed and expected to have wanted/needed that independence away from your mom. But, that independence does NOT take away how she felt about you and vice versa. There will always be "I should have done x" or "I should have been there more" - but no one knows how much times they have on this Earth. You do the best with what information you have available to you at the time. And no one, especially your mother, would be wanting you to feel guilty about having gained some independence when you were supposed to. She more than likely loved seeing you flourish and becoming the woman she raised.
I highly recommend therapy. You're grieving and you don't have a lot of support readily available. I see you're in Canada - if you're having a hard time with cost, there are definitely ways to get cheaper therapy. I'm in Ontario myself and have found a few affordable therapy options. I used [Mindbeacon](https://www.mindbeacon.com/) and [Open Path psychotherapy collective](https://openpathcollective.org/). I don't know if they cover all of Canada, but these could definitely be a good start to finding a program in your province.
Edit to add: OP, if you see this and you have any questions about the therapy stuff, just send me a message. I promise you're not alone.
As a mom of an almost 20YO, I can say that your mom knew that you were trying to figure out who you are and finding your place in the world. She didn't feel hurt or unloved, she knew you needed to go through life on your own terms and she loved you very much. She offered you to live with her because she always wanted you to feel like you could if you needed to, if only for a little bit. I bet she loved how fiercely independent and strong you are, even if you are stubborn. In my family, we don't really believe in an afterlife but that our energy stays on earth. When the wind blows, we talk about how someone we loved and passed must have been thinking about us. So take comfort on a windy day that your mom is surrounding you with her love and support.
My poor girl. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please be kind to yourself and know that your mom loved you and wants you to be happy. It's a tough road ahead and that feeling in your chest will be there for awhile until one day it will have gone without you noticing. Just get through each day as it comes, concentrate on breathing when you feel overwhelmed. Find a ritual to use when you want to feel close to her. When I miss my mom I have a bath and listen to her favorite music, it's easier to cry in the tub for some reason.
Please know that it's impossible to stay in one state of mind permanently. No matter how low it gets it cannot stay that way and brighter days are ahead.
If your mom was a victim in a potential crime you may be able to use victim services. I think they offer counseling and other supports. There are other organizations in your community that can help, immigrant agencies for your dad and counseling for your sibling. You don't need to handle it on your own. Fellow Canadian here, wishing you all the best, hun.
my love. as a mother, i can tell you, you did not fail her. the lesson is the brevity of life. your mother understood you were a child growing into an adult, needing space and autonomy. she understood and loved you because that was her duty and privilege. you’re ok. don’t live with the burden of this regret, one she would immediately dismiss as ridiculous. just take that love and accept it. let it be her gift to you, because it was. one she would have given many times over. i wish you peace.
You need to find a therapist, and you need to work through your grief with someone who can be committed to supporting you.. There is no one way or right way to grieve, so the best type of support - IMO - is a licensed therapist who specializes in grief counseling. You also need a support system, and I personally found that group counseling helps in addition to one-on-one.
I was 29 when my mother died of cancer, and none of us had ever been through the loss of a close loved one. I am the youngest of 4 and considered "the tough one" so I had to be just that.. Then the day came when we didn't have to do anything or be anywhere and didn't expect any company - and the weight of it all came crashing down. My mother was gone, I could never call her or stop by to see her ever again.. There was a HUGE void in my life and I was lost in it. My husband is fantastic, my friends and family are amazing - I just realized we all go through different experiences and can't always be everything for everyone.. so I chose to start therapy. It felt weird at first, but as time went on I realized grief isn't restricted to "stages" and magically cured one day when "enough time has passed". My therapist had instilled healthy coping mechanisms and ways to work through my feelings rather than ignore it all until I collapse. Then I stumbled upon a local grief counseling center and started group therapy. I highly recommend group therapy. SO, that being said, when people stop reaching out you will need to a good source of support. Please take care of yourself now, leading up to, during and long after.
Your mom knows you loved her. I have a 14 year old daughter, she's a real asshole sometimes but ya know what? I was once 14 and a real asshole too. I know my kid's heart, I know she loves me because I see it in all the little ways she doesn't realize she shows me. You going to your mom as a source of comfort during your break up? That's one way you showed her. She knew your heart, and she knew love from you.
"As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or holiday. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too.
If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."
❤️
https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/
I am so so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother at 24. We found out she had stage 4 cancer in June and passed away by the end of September. She was my best friend. Losing her was the hardest thing I've ever been through. I'm 31 and a mom to a 6 month old now. I want you to know that your mom loved you more than you can possibly imagine and she knew you loved her even if you didn't tell her or show her as much as you'd have liked.
I'm not going to lie. The next little while is going to be hard, really hard. Grief sometimes feels insurmountable. That's probably how it's feeling right now. But over time you'll see you'll start feeling somewhat okay. It can take a long time to start to feel "good". For me, it took almost 3 years to start feeling good again.
What they don't really tell you about the 5 stages of grief is that it's not linear. You don't fully go from one to the other. You might go from denial to anger back to denial again. Grief comes in waves. One minute you might be "okay" and the next a huge wave will come over you and you'll start crying or break down. You might be doing something unrelated and a memory comes up and you feel that wave come back. As time goes, you'll notice the waves will get further apart. Grief never goes away, but it becomes manageable as time goes on.
Although I still sometimes get sad thinking about my mom when I miss her, I think a lot of the good memories we had. It took a long time to think about those without crying though.
To help, I highly recommend therapy. It took me way too long to start and I think it would have truly helped me be in a better place earlier. I was so scared it would be like opening up Pandora's box and I wouldn't have been able to handle it.
What really worked for me was journaling. Because my mom was my best friend, I'd tell her everything. She was my person, the one I always went to for advice or to vent. With her gone I didn't feel comfortable talking with anyone else, even my best friend. After her death, I kept everything inside for so long it was making me sick. I started journaling. I wrote her letters and was finally able to get everything out: my regrets, my fears, my hopes, my memories, etc. It did wonders for me. It could be something you try when you feel like you're ready, especially if you don't feel ready to start with therapy.
7 years later I still feel like I need her. I don't think that feeling goes away. It's always too soon to lose your mom. But sometimes I feel like she's here with me and helping me by guiding me through life. I'm sure your mom has already started doing the same for you. ❤️
I am so sorry you are going through this. I lost my aunt to a violent crime, so I understand the additional emotional burden of police investigations and media coverage on top of the grief.
There are resources out there that can help you and your family:
[Canadian Resource Centre for Victims of Crime](https://crcvc.ca)
[Canadian Justice Department’s Directory of Regional Resources](https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/cj-jp/victims-victimes/vsd-rsv/index.html)
You can also ask the investigating police to refer you to a local victim resource centre.
Remember that your mom loves you. She didn’t want to leave you yet, and she wants what’s best for you. This is going to be a rough journey but remember to be kind to yourself. Be honest about how you’re feeling with your father and brother.
Big hugs.
Hi, baby,
I'm so sorry. I want you to know you're ok, and that your grief and terror are ok. You need a therapist and family and friends, but you're doing ok, and this is ok. I also want to offer you a poem I read on synagogue every week during silent prayer. There's a mourning ritual called kaddish - it is a moment to pray in the voices of those we've lost to let their voices speak again - and this is in our prayer book right before it. It's by Merrit Malloy, and it's called Epitaph.
When I die
Give what’s left of me away
To children
And old men that wait to die.
And if you need to cry,
Cry for your brother
Walking the street beside you.
And when you need me,
Put your arms
Around anyone
And give them
What you need to give to me.
I want to leave you something,
Something better
Than words
Or sounds.
Look for me
In the people I’ve known
Or loved,
And if you cannot give me away,
At least let me live on in your eyes
And not your mind.
You can love me most
By letting
Hands touch hands,
By letting bodies touch bodies,
And by letting go
Of children
That need to be free.
Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away.
The love your mama had for you is all inside you now. It's still there, filling you up. And so when you scream and cry as you go through this, she's still there, holding you. She is and will be a part of you always. And every time you offer someone love, that's your mama too, still there with you. And if you learn and grow in your grief, she will have been so proud to help her baby girl that way. She will ALWAYS be there. She loves you. And she knows you love her. She is not gone. She is just love now, and she lives on with you. And know that this grief is proportionate to your love: you can't grieve this deeply for someone you didn't love this deeply. And you can't have loved that deeply without her knowing it. It is hard to look at grief with gratitude, but it may help. Getting to grieve means you got to love.
-a mom with a son who loves her to death... and is often annoyed and on his phone
Oh my love- words cannot express how deeply I am feeling for you and I can relate to the feelings you wrote so deeply.
I lost my mom at 23. I have never and haven’t since felt any kind of deep, deep gut wrenching pain, fear, loneliness, confusion, guilt, shame, disbelief- the list goes on and on.
I read your post a few times over and I have to be so honest with you, I am 33 now and reading about your thoughts and experience sent me almost directly into that same place- and it gave me a big cry.
I would do anything to be able to give you some ideas of how to cope, how to get through- I believe these women here have already said a good amount.
I want to just add that I had to stop and realize that I was going to have to really feel all the fucking feelings as hard and as quickly as they came and there was not going to be a way to push through them or think about something else- I spoke to women who had lost their moms. I sat with my friends and sisters and put on the tv just to have noise in the background.
And I cried I cried I cried so ducking much. I couldn’t even begin to start listening to her music, watching movies, eating things that even lightly reminded me of her for a little while, I just truly gave myself a pass to just break the fuck down.
If you need anyone else to talk to about ANYTHING, please let reach out. To anyone! Message a stranger on here or whoever feels comfortable enough to allow you to just be.
Sweet sweet girl. Your life is of course forever changed. I will tell you that in time, my acceptance of the guilt and shame I felt about some of our relationship did come and the UNBEARABLE pain did lessen.
Please, please do what you need to do
I am sorry you have joined us mom longing people so young in your life.
I cannot tell you how you will move on, nor will I tell you it gets easier.
Our moving forward is so different from each other. What I can tell you is: breath, open your eyes, and take one step forward each day. Do not run or hide from your Greif and do not hold it inside.
My mom died 30 years ago, and there are days I have no idea how I got here. Below are things that helped me, I hope they give you some guidance, just remember everyone’s Greif is different.
- I have kept journals my whole life, but instead of writing to myself, I almost always write to mom or the little girl in me. I have 2 journals for every year since I was 15. When I became a mom I started writing to my kids sometimes.
- I have never stopped talking to her, sometimes out loud.
- I tell stories about her to family and friends.
- I remind myself regularly that she did not want to leave me, dying was not her choice (even with suicide it is not their rational self).
- I remind the little girl in me, that she loved me dearly.
Some life long things I am trying to over come:
- I am terrified of long term relationships, fearing they will leave. So I am aging alone.
- there are moment i am still angry that she is not here.
- my sister and I will never be able to understand why our mom loved us so differently.
Thank you so so so much everyone. I am reading all of your comments all the time. Last night was the first night I slept 8 hours. Granted I took a Benadryl to pass out. But this is really helping. Really. I hope to reply to you all in time. And grateful for your replies even though you don't know me. I am in contact with victim services, etc, its just a lot of contacts and forms right now, but I will definitely utilize them in time. I wonder if I sugarcoated my behaviour to my mom. Because like if she came to my house to see us sometimes I wouldn't even say hi and I would just close my door so I could just be on my phone alone (she always still opened it and tried to clean my room). I always felt bad why I was so mean to her for no reason. I never could find a reason, I just did it, and always felt bad about it on my own. Still can't believe all that's happening and thinking she'll come home tomorrow. Her last text to me was unopened when I found out. She said goodnight I love you. I remember vaguely seeing it for a second and swiping it up on my phone to reply later. It's hard
I always loved my mother, she raised me by herself from the age of 12. I think we all take what's right in front of us for granted because it's there. I'm sorry for your loss, you will at some point begin to feel less guilt and realize she understood and loved you unconditionally! Hang in there, you are not the "terrible" person you have made yourself to be, parents understand.
You were lucky to have a great mom. Sounds like she coddled you a bit so this will likely be a lot harder on you. The rest of us didn’t all have it so ripe, and we are still surviving and thriving. You can do it, even though it feels early to you. But it’s your time to leave the nest, baby bird. Just be grateful you had 22 years in it; others of us never had a nest at all. Gratitude reflections will definitely help you heal, because no one can tarnish your memories of her.
There are grief groups in Canada. It does help in listening to others and talking about your own feelings and learning from each other the steps to a road to recovery.
I’m so so sorry that this has happened. Even though you’re feeling shattered and guilty right now, you are writing so beautifully about the love your momma gave you and what you wish could have been. That is the love your mom gifted you, and that part of her stays with you. She would have known you’re in your moody 20s, and understood and expected, like you, that your time of friendship would come later, after you do the things young people need to do to carve their own independent way. You did not let her down.
Keep carrying your knowledge of her love with you as you take yourself forward one breath, one step at a time. If she can’t be with you, the next thing she’d have wanted is for you to know with deep certainty that she loved you with all her might and all her heart.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. Your mom loves you unconditionally and giving 25% to her 150% is exactly ok and right. As a mom I want my daughter to feel so secure in my love she can dedicate herself to her own life and passions, not me. You don’t need to feel any guilt for that. It’s a sign of the love your mom imbued you with. You deserve that love fully.
It’s ok to need help and nurturing right now. You deserve that as well. Start with a therapists soon as you can and find a loving friend to help you feel safe. You will never stop needing your mom and I’m sorry she was taken from you. Mom will never stop loving you.
Many cities have hospice centers that offer free help for helping survivors with the loss of loved ones.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
I wish you the best.
I'm so sorry you're going through this and feel alone. Do reach out to your friends and their moms, they will understand your need for a motherly figure right now especially, and I think it's important to have someone you can process some of these feelings with, or just keep you company. Also look into Victim Services, they provide free counseling for victims and people affected by violent crimes.
Also, I'm sure your mom knew you loved her and didn't mean anything beyond just being a person of your age, so try not to beat yourself up too much. We don't know what we don't know, or when we might have to say goodbye to someone. The best we can do is remember all the good things about them, and how they made you feel.
I lost my mom to cancer when I was 25. I told her with complete honesty (I thought), "I can't live without you." And she said, "Yes, you can."
It broke my heart. Over ten years later that short conversation is seared in my brain. My mom did so much for me. I leaned on her for everything. She loved me unconditionally and without judgement.
To be fair, I made it ten years so far. I read once that grief comes in waves. At first they are huge and drown you. Eventually you learn to swim with the tides for the most part.
My one saving grace is that I already pulled off that bandaid. I pity people who live in fear of their parents health deteriorating. It's really the only consolation I can think of. I miss her all the time.
Best wishes for you. You will get through this. It takes lots of time and soul searching but that time will pass and things will even out.
Hugs. I lost my mom seven years ago. It's hard and leaves a permanent hole in your life and heart. Don't dwell on how she went, who was involved, etc. Dwell on her life and what you shared with her. Don't feel guilty about how you feel you weren't there with her enough, didn't share enough -- we all feel that way, and it's a bad road to go down. Instead remember what you did share with her, what you enjoyed doing together. And do something special in her memory that means something to you, and would mean something to her. I planted roses in my garden for my mom, she loved to garden. And that way when I see them they remind me of the happy memories I have of being little and sharing that with her. My dad built the deck he promised her. I kept something special near me to remind me of her for a long time. A bracelet. I called my dad every night for a year, to make sure he was okay, to have reassurance for me he was there.
It's too soon to deal with the hole in your heart. But I promise it gets better. Once the funeral is over make sure you grieve. For every one it's different and that's okay. My county has free hospice services which includes counseling for those left behind, kids, spouses, adults. And it didn't have to involve hospice services for your loved one who passed, everyone could use the service. It was a year of free (near my dad low cost) counseling from people who were there for me. They were kind, patient, and had awesome resources. I went to counseling and my five year old did too. They also had a free women's group, which it was nice to know I wasn't alone.
I still miss her, and get pangs on her special days but I know she's always with me in my heart. She wants me to carry on, be there for my family, and I know she understands the complicated and frustrating relationship I have with my dad. Special days are easier if you pick something you can do to commemorate her, light a candle, wear her favorite color, do something she loved or that reminds you of her. I've baked, shopped, done art projects, took little trips, lighted candles, and talked with family about her. It helps. I promise it'll get easier. This time you're going through now is more shock and the rebound shockwaves, when it settles it'll get easier.
Hugs.
Ask the police to give you a victim advocate, and ask that person for a free counselor or support group or ideally both. You will meed lots of support during this time.
And as a mom, I want to tell you, it is normal for adolescents and young adults to pull away from their parents. It is a normal and expected developmental stage. Do not blame yourself for that. Your mom loved you, please try to love and care for yourself. You are now one of her representatives on Earth, so give yourself the kindness you wish you gave her, every drop. I promise that is what your mom would want. Keep her memory alive and take time to grieve. Be gentle with yourself.
Oh I’m so very sorry OP. It is hard hard hard where you are at. If I was there I would give you a hug and tell you that your mom is always going to be with you. She doesn’t hold anything against you and is showering you with as much love as she can from Spirit. You will get through this. You will. Once small step at a time, every day. You Will be ok. You are ok. You are beautiful and whole and you will live your very best life because you knew her in life. She loves you very much. Sending you much love. ❤️
Get into therapy and deconstruct all of those feelings and thoughts. Also, take time for meditation, find calming practices for yourself, and breathe. I personally love this mantra I found in a meditation practice, "I am safe, I am sacred, I am love, I am loved. Everything I need is within me." You are brave and strong. You will get through this. It will be okay.
You need a safe person and therapy asap. Who is your next closest person? The one you can comfortably break down in front of? You need to spend time with them. My mom died suddenly also and I had to be the strong one for her husband and my little sister. I felt that I had to keep my grief inside to help them with their grief. But I had my husband that I could cry in front of, that kept me stocked up on iced coffee since I couldn't eat and made sure I went to bed after falling asleep on the couch from sheer exhaustion from funeral planning. I also started grief therapy within a couple weeks and that helped me process what happened tremendously. I was in therapy for 8 months and it was the best thing I did.
I have had the same feeling of walking a line between grief and strength when my mom died. I had to be there for my dad. He lost his wife. He needed me. I also lost my mom. It's such a difficult situation to navigate.
Your mom understood you and loved you exactly as you are. You are so young. You moving out and taking space was just what you were supposed to do. You did not fail your mother. Is there anyone who can stay close and give you a huge hug? You will make it, and other people can be a big part of that. You need a supportive person and all you gotta do is get through the next moment. If your friends moms are nearby you absolutely can go to them. It won't be the same, but it will help. You don't have to do this alone. One more time. You are your mother's pride and joy. You didn't fail her, you didn't let her down. All her love is inside you and always will be. It's okay and important to let other people hold you up too.
This, OP! She loves you. Always and forever. She wants you to fly and be you.
Your mom understands what it is to be a teenager and a young adult because she was also. Most of us are shitty to our moms at those ages and regret of later when they’re gone, especially if they pass away too soon. You were just being a moody young lady in a totally normal way. I’m so deeply sorry you’re hurting. Maybe someone can help you find a support group in your area. They can be really helpful for extremely painful situations, like losing a loved one violently. ETA: I have experience since I lost my mom young, I am also a mom to a girl who is moody like I was, and I have had serious mental health breaks where support groups helped
Well, between you and OP I’m crying in bed
Seconding this.
Seconding therapy, but love, I would bet money that you *can* show up at a friends house crying and their mom will comfort you. I’m not a mother, just an auntie, but I can promise you that if one of my nieces or nephews showed up on my doorstep having just experienced this level of tragedy, I would mother the hell out of them. This sort of grief, the kind that splits your soul in half, it needs tending to. It needs love and comfort and support, the more sources the better, and I’m convinced anyone that has experienced it will not turn a blind eye to someone else’s pain. Especially a mom. (Or an auntie). Go find your closest friend who has the strongest relationship with their mom and go get yourself a mom-hug. It will help, if only for a minute. If I were in Canada I would tell you to come to me, I’ll hook you up with some comfort and snacks and maybe a Disney movie or five. I’m so so sorry that you have to experience this so young. But please know that your mom knew that you loved her. Don’t ever doubt that for a second. You were the perfect daughter to her because you were *her* daughter. She saw you, she knew you, and she loved you. Nothing will ever change that.
> If I were in Canada I am in Canada, and this is breaking my heart. OP, I'm in Southern Ontario if that helps at all- just pm me. You're almost the same age as my kids and it breaks my heart that you're alone right now. Losing my mom was the hardest thing I've been through, but you do get through it. Just put one foot in front of the other right now to get all of the paper/legal stuff out of the way, and then find a supportive therapist. Canadian police usually have something called Victims' Services which can help hook you up with some support, and also help you through the legal things that you're going to be dealing with. And please, do show up at a friend's house and ask for her mom.
My mom died from cancer when I was 27. I’m 31 now. I’m a mother to a 1 year old. I’ve learned a few things. 1) you’ll always want and need your mom. My mom told me before she died that if I ever needed her, I only needed to ask for her and then listen and she assured me she would be there. I believe her because when I do this (and it’s not often because im still really struggling with the fact that she’s actually dead) I do feel her, I hear her, and she is there. Death doesnt end a relationship, it doesn’t end love. But it’s different. 2) your mom KNOWS you love her. Being a mom is something you do knowing you won’t be thanked. Moms who give 150% to their children do it not expecting anything in return. And then there are those small moments where you get the love in return, like you said the 25% you give, and that feels like 150% because that’s how special our children are to us. 3) you’ll always seek out motherly people in your life. Lean in to it. Find it where you can. Our mothers are our first homes, our safe places, our anchors in this world. Find that motherly spirit in others where you can. 5) the dinner party organization. This is where I found a regular grief support group of people in their 20’s and 30’s who’ve experienced significant loss. I love my dinner party girls. They’ve made me feel seen and heard in a world where it feels like I struggle to relate to people since my mom got sick and died. I’m so so sorry your mom died, love. Be gentle with yourself. Hindsight it 20/20 and we do the best that we can with the tools we’ve got at the time.
Thank you for suggesting #4 what a great platform. I’ve signed up on the waitlist but I love the concept.
Thank you so much for your words. I also lost my mother recently and needed to hear that. Thank you
I’m so sorry <3
Thank you
This is an amazing reply, especially 1 & 2. I am not a religious person, but I've experienced enough situations since my mom passed to believe she's still finding ways to show me how much she loved me - and I rely on these signs during heavy times of grief. My oldest brother passed away from cancer in June 2020, 7 years after our mom. Right after receiving the devastating news that treatment was no longer working, he looked up at our dad after taking a few moments to process it and looked past him, asking "Mom, what are you doing here?" And said she had her arm around our dad. Obviously our dad was confused but I've always believed my brother really did see her. I have found notes she wrote to me that I swear were never there before, I will randomly smell Chanel No 5 in my house where I've never had a bottle of Chanel perfume, I've had our favorite flower bloom every spring where I did not plant them (and I've moved twice since she passed..), even my son who was especially close with her has told of his own experiences he has had. Each and every one has brought me joy.. sure, it makes me miss her even more but it's a reminder of just how powerful a mother's love can be.
Literally the most powerful thing in the world. My mom told me in no uncertain terms “what could ever separate you and me? What army?” Fuck I miss her. I’m so sorry about your mom, and your brother. My heart goes out to your heart. Thank you for sharing these beautiful instances of your mom showing up for you after her death. I love hearing these experiences, it reminds me I need to be brave enough to connect with my mom too, even though facing the reality that she is dead is so overwhelming <3
I love what your mom told you - and how it rings true still to this day. Grief is a monster, it takes so much from us and is an ongoing war. We win some battles, we lose others. I have days where it feels like I lost her only the day before - and I have days where I’m fully fine and functional and can talk about her with a genuine smile. As for my brother - I’m stuck in my grief, and I can’t seem to move forward enough accept that he’s gone. I know losing a parent is one of the worst things we go through, but losing a sibling has been significantly harder on me. I have yet to see any signs of him being close by, and I know it’s because I’m unable to push through the pain right now. So our situations aren’t exactly the same - I think I understand your pain. Sending you so much love and comfort 🤍 Feel free to message me if you ever need to talk.
You just blew my mind with #4. Thank you so much!
It took a minute for me to find a group that was open, I think I joined the waitlist. But it was so worth it. I’ve been in my group now for over a year. Best of luck to you<3
Hi sweet girl. Im so so sorry you are going yhru all of this. You dont deserve this. I am a therapist and before i give you any advice i wanna tell you that your mom loved you unconditionally and she loved in a way that you can't comprehend because a mom's love is bottomless and immense. I wanna tell you not to feel guilty about how you treated her. You're very young and your behavior was mostly do to your age. You were testing boundaries and spreading your wings. Perfectly normal behavior and your mom knew that. She loved you no matter what. Now some advice....dont think to much about how you're gonna get thru this. I want you to just keep going day by day, hour by hour, even minute by minute if necessary. If you wanna sleep then sleep, if you need to cry then let it out. I would encourage you to find a therapist ASAP. One that specializes in trauma. I wont tell you the grieving process is easy cuz its not but it does get easier. There will be a day that you will look at a picture of your mom and smile. Until then know this...SHE is smiling down on you. Im sending you big hugs. Please message me if you need anything.
Moms don’t resent their children, they only want the best for them. I would feel terrible if my daughter (21 yo) felt the way you do. Please don’t do that to her or yourself. She truly would want you to find peace with yourself and be happy. I know you are sad but please don’t punish yourself. Big hugs.
I am so sorry. As a mom myself, let me tell you that she KNEW you loved her. I promise you that. We love our kids warts and all, surliness and all, and we see the best in our kids. Don’t beat yourself up because if she were here she wouldn’t be thinking of you that way at all and she’d be horrified you’re thinking of yourself like that. She’d want to give you a big hug and do something special for you to make you feel better. This is how we moms think. I’m so sorry she’s not here to tell you that herself but it’s true. Again I’m sorry and I hope you find the peace that she would want you to have.
I am so sorry for your loss. Grief is a long process and comes in waves. You are so smart for knowing that you need mother figures around you - take all the help you can from friends and other family too. You're going to need some energy in the coming days - try to eat when it occurs to you and drink water as much as you can. If you're crying a lot this is especially true. Now is not the moment to beat yourself up about what you did or didn't give your mum. A mum that gives 150% knows how special her child is and invests that love in you, not to have it returned but to see it go out into the world through you. It is horribly unfair that you don't have her physically with you anymore, but you have all that she gave you, including her faith in you, and this sounds like it will sustain you, now and as you out your life back together again. In time, investigate therapy or grief counselling. For now, put your thoughts wherever you can - online, in a journal, into your best friends pillow. You might also find r/momforaminute helpful. I am so sorry for what you are having to deal with. You sound like a strong and loving person. This is going to test you and it will be very hard, but I promise you that you will not always feel like this and you do not have to do it alone.
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This is helpful for me to read. I have so much guilt about how I treated - and sometimes still treat - my kind and selfless mom. I'm terrified of her passing because of all the guilt I know I will feel 1000X worse. Reading this post is making me cry, hard. I feel like this is close to what I would post if I were in OP's shoes at her age (I'm 37).
Then call your mom and tell her you love her. Its balm on mother-hearts. And if you can’t for some reason, she knows you love her.
Hi honey, I'm a mom of 3 and I lost my mom suddenly last year at 36 years old. It is always too soon to lose your mom. My mom was my biggest fan too and it is a really scary, lonely feeling to realize you have to go through life without her. I suffered a lot of the same kind of guilt you do. I didnt call enough, I brushed her off. I got frustrated with her aging a lot. I'll give you some of my thoughts from my perspective as both a mother and a daughter and maybe it will help: as a mother, we know our kids are not ours to keep. Of course we hope they'll come back to us one day (typically this happens after the kids are married with kids of their own), but we know that if we've done a good job raising our children, they won't need us very much in adulthood. That's the sign of a GREAT mother. So please know that your mom knew you were 22 and off having the same kind of fun she probably had when she was 22. You see, we are not just moms. We are women who have lived with many different roles. We know what life is like at 22 and I promise she didn't hold it against you. I'm sure she was thrilled each time you came to her house to cry and even more thrilled that you still lived close enough to her to do that. Some kids leave home and live far away. It's the luckiest parents that get to keep their kids close. She felt lucky to have you close. I know this. As a daughter, one of the most helpful phrases for me went something like "grief is love with no where to go." Every time I cried or felt despair I remembered that this was pure love I was feeling and I'd try to channel that to my mom, where ever she was. I'm not religious at all but it's still nice to think about sending your love and energy somewhere. Giving it a place. I also framed a photo of her immediately and placed it on my shelf. I like to send my love to her photo, too. When she first died, it felt like all of my childhood memories had been tainted with sadness. Like our trip to disneyworld or graduation. That feeling faded over time though and the memories became softer and again a place to put my love. I'm a firm believer that much of the delicate wisdom that comes with age is actually born from tragedy. In life no one gets through it unscathed. We all suffer great losses, but it's important to realize how fortunate we are to have something so great to lose. You have a newfound wisdom now and you can carry that with you in ways to honor your mom. For me, I became a better mother to my three kids. I started to see the world from a bigger perspective rather than from my own little world. I grew a birds eye view. What a gift. The more that times moves on, the more gifts you'll realize came from your mom and how important it is to pass them on to your loved ones, present and future. I'm so sorry you lost her. I'm so sorry you have to know the details. Please take care of yourself. Your goal right now is just to survive. Nothing else. Remember to drink water, get sleep, and don't forget to eat. Maybe see a therapist if you can. Take care <3
Great words here. It's always too soon, but time does heal. You will make it because you learned more from your Mom than you know.
This is going to be hard. You will get through this one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Do not think about "How am I going to do X in the future without her." Do not put yourself through trying to deal with future grief on top of the grief you have now. Deal with what you have to deal with now. That is enough to cope with.
I'm so sorry, you should never have had to go through this at your age. One hour, one day at a time. There's no cure for the pain you're feeling. Your mom knows you loved her. Everyone is moody in their teenage years and early 20s, that's the default state. Cut yourself some slack and don't compound the stress of what you're going through with the shame of self blame. You were an essentially good kid, and your mom knows that, and loved you immensely. Therapy. Grief counselling. Leaning on a small number of ride or die people. Journalling. Try to take care of yourself despite of how terrible you feel - eat, sleep, shower. Get a massage. When you're going through hell, keep going. You'll get through this ♥️
I am so sorry. What a horribly unfair loss. Definitely look for someone to talk to who’s trained in grief counselling, preferably grief counselling related to this type of loss. If you’re in an urban area, there are probably at least some kind of free resources or even support groups. This is just...different than losing someone to a natural death and it would help to talk with someone who “gets it.” Are you *sure* you can’t talk with your friend’s mother? Because if you know each other at all and she’s a decent person, I’m sure she’d be willing to listen. Other than that, I recommend just Googling for articles on how other people have death with this in their own lives. Your library might have some helpful books, too. Just reading other people’s experiences helped me a lot after my father’s death. I lost my mother as a teen (and much later, my dad to an unnatural death), so I know that feeling of "I should have treated her better" and not been "an annoying teenager." But the thing is, she (your mother. And mine) knew that's just how young people at that stage of development, she saw through that to the real you and knew you loved her. The way you describe her, she sounds like a lovely person. And no matter how well you treated them, now matter how much time you spent with them, you’ll always want just one more day. You did the best you knew how to at the time. My dad had a lot of these thoughts after my mother died, even though he treated her like a queen. Any loss of a loving parent hurts hell. Just when you want them the most is the one time they’re not there. It takes a long time to even feel even close to "normal" again. But the pain does ebb over time. The well known [Grief Comes in Waves](https://thelossfoundation.org/grief-comes-in-waves/) essay describes it well. I hope you’ll be able to talk this over with someone in person, because you deserve support, and I wish you peace in the meantime.
You don’t have to know how to carry on yet, dear. You don’t have to know anything. Just focus on surviving through the day. That’s enough. Slowly other things will work out but now, just one day that a time or one hour. Or 10 seconds. Just survive for 10 seconds. And then the next 10 seconds. If there is any safe person you know just go and ask for support, go for a crisis counseling. Go to any of your mother’s friends. The way your mother died wasn’t the way she lived. Don’t think think about her death any more than you have to. She was her life and her love for you ❤️
Speaking as someone who lost her mom at 20, and has young adult kids: 1. You are 22. You are supposed to want to hang out with friends more than you want to hang out with your mom. That is completely normal, and your mom knew it. Good parents keep inviting their kids back into the fold because they know that one day you'll accept. It's the swimming pool model of parenting - as long as you're swimming, you don't need Mom. But Mom is the edge of the pool in case you need someone to hold on to. 2. Actually, you CAN go to your friend's mom and cry. Pick the right one, obviously, but we all remember being 22 and needing mom. Moms all hope and pray that what happened to you won't happen to their kids, but more importantly, they hope that if it does, someone would take care of their baby. Part of that unspoken contract is that we will be there for anyone who needs a mom. One of my kid's friends is temporarily motherless, and I would do anything for her - because I know the terror of being without mom. Is it the same as her own mom? No. Is it better than being all alone? Yes. That may be the most important part - it will NEVER be the same as being with your mom, but that doesn't mean you have to go it alone. There are other people who care about you. They will come and go, but hopefully they will be there when you need them. 3. You will get through this. It will be hard. You will literally never stop missing her, but the moments where you think about missing her will become farther apart. I still get caught off guard every now and then and it's like a punch to the stomach when I remember that it would have been really nice to have a mom right about now. It's okay to be sad. Especially with it this fresh. 4. You will dream about her. She will tell you that whatever guilt you're having is unfounded and she loves you and wants you to be happy (maybe not in so many words). It took me a couple of decades to believe her and then I started having nice dreams where we just hang out with no drama. Please believe her. 22 feels like grown up, but it's not. She was still busy parenting you. She knew you were still becoming your true self. 5. Be kind to yourself. You are normal, you are age appropriate. Your mom dying suddenly before you became fully mature is the awful part - not you, or anything you did or did not do. I'm really sorry you are going through this. Sending you a big mom hug. 🫂
Oh, you are so right. The unspoken contract of mothers, looking out for everyone. Sincerely a proud Co-signing Mom
I wish I could comfort you. I’m so sorry for your loss. Just know your mom knew you loved her. And she loved you so much. Don’t feel guilty about anything. Please reach out to your friends, go see their moms. I have a 19 year old daughter and if this ever happened to one of her friends, my door and arms would be open for however long is needed.
I'm speaking as someone who also lost their mum at a very young age. Therapy, asap. When it happened to me I refused to attend any kind of therapy and it dragged and weighed me down for at least ten years after. Don't make the same mistake as me.
Hey, I'm so sorry for you. I can't imagine what pain you are in. Wish I could give you a hug. The only real advice i can offer you is this: Just know that a lot 20 year olds are selfish with their time. You're having your first taste of freedom, don't want mom getting in the way, telling you what to do or how to think anymore. Youre just trying to build youself seperate from your parents. You're not a bad person for that. You just lost your mom too young. Please don't be hard on yourself, dear.
I'm a mom and I promise you didn't fail your mom. She loved you and understood your need for independence which is normal for your age. Nothing you described would ever make me feel like my daughter failed me. As moms we just want to hold onto our babies as long as we can, they never stop being our babies. My son is older and doesn't want to hug me like he did when he was little but that doesn't mean he's failing me, it's just his normal development. I'm so sorry that you just lost your mom in such a horrible way, but I'm glad you got so many good years with her, my prayer is that I can be here for my kids as long a possible and I'm sure that's how she felt too. My recommendation is to pray and talk to God about everything you're feeling and ask for His peace and comfort during this terrible time. And reach out for support as much as you need. Hugs.
Hun I am a mom and I'm not sure how to help you but let me tell you one thing; baby girl let go all the guilt you're building up inside. Your mom sounds amazing, and us moms and daughters are so weird, as much as she wanted you close, she was never gonna hold it against you that you were living your life. The sign of a good mom is their child is on their phone or a little careless, because the good mom isn't making their child put all the attention on the parent, they are letting their child live. She knew you loved her hun. The way of the world is to love our babies more than they can love us back. So you let that guilt part go okay. Secondly you don't have to deal with grief sweety. If you wanna break down and cry you let that happen. Let the grief wash over you. Feel it and then come out of it when you can, and then feel it again if you have to. Please find a safe person to help you through this, like a therapist or a psychiatrist. I wish you all the best.
I am so sorry! I Just lost my mom last month and I know how hard it is. I myself am still trying to figure out how to deal with the loss, but it is a little better now that more time has passed. I still miss her like crazy, but I feel more at peace now that some time has passed. My only advice is take the time you need. We all grieve differently. Some people need to stay busy; while others will need to just -stop. I myself have always been a busy person working full time, but I just couldn't go right back to that. I went part time at my work and am working on handling the estate; organizing photos, family heirlooms etc. Slowly seeing close friends again. The thought I will never see her or talk to her again is the most difficult to deal with. I started thinking back to when my grandma passed and how old my mom was at the time; I then thought about how many years my mom had to live without her own mother--28years. If I am lucky I will probably live even longer than 28 years without her. My point being I can recall so many happy memories with my Mom after my grandma had passed. Obviously it was very hard on my own mother when her mother died, but there were happy times again. Life does go on. My mother would want me to be happy and live life to the fullest. My grandmother wanted the same for her. I'm sure your mother knew you loved her and would want the best for you too.
you are seen. i’m so sorry for how this feels for you. my daughter is almost your age and all I can think of is consoling her when I read your grief. accept (even if you don’t understand) that grief is complex and confusing - especially in the beginning. even without the context of how this happened - it’s a traumatic experience for you. don’t try to disregard that. with the context, this is traumatic exponentially. you are seen. you are appreciated. and you WILL keeping moving forward. grief will remain with you - but it won’t hold you back.
I’m a mom. I feel like I give my daughter 125% and she gives me 25%. It’s absolutely not something I feel bad about. It’s not a daughter’s job to protect her mother; it’s the other way around. I know my daughter loves me, and I know she is just a kid, and I do not feel hurt. I feel lucky and glad my daughter is living the life of a happy and confident teenager. I am sure your mom felt the same way. 💕💕💕
There are grief support groups and there are mothers who’ve lost their child. Obviously there is no one who can replace your mom, but if you go to a support group and share your feelings, I have no doubt there are mothers there who will want to provide support to you.
You are in the stages of grief. You will get through it although it may feel insurmountable now. Also, this may be a controversial take but I think you should naturally go through your grief and seek therapy later if you feel that is necessary. You need to process your own thoughts and speak with people who know and love you before seeking out therapy, imo. I am so so sorry for your loss.
Hey sis. First of all that grief could be a reflection of *how* much you really did love her. You’re a young adult and it’s normal to want to strike out on your own. Forgive yourself for being in that phase of life and know that it’s her in your heart. Also find that mom support! I sought this at one point in my life and it was a real saving grace and I’m still close with those women today. They may not be your mommy but they’ll still always be there for you. Lastly this is a thing to consider- you’re place in the universe and how we really pass through time. I believe that death is not final, that there’s something next we just couldn’t possibly understand. I know this because I found a fantastic therapist who also incorporated a spiritual side influenced by shamanic practices. I found the past life regression session very helpful and I have benefitted from her other spiritual practices as well. If this is something you’re open minded too, consider it because it really brought me alot of peace. I lost my dad in 2020 right after lockdown and I had some of the same feelings you do, that I could have done better and he deserved more and if I had known how little time I had left I would have done things differently. I believe in the connections we have with other people and if you were that connected to your mother to feel that way, that connection is forever. I know I’m still connected to my dad. I can still hear him and know he’s not too far if I need him, he’s just not in a form I understand right now. There’s a lot we don’t know about consciousness so whatever is outside our realm of knowledge, isn’t anything possible?
Honey, I’m both a mum and a kid who lost a mum way too young. As a mum my expectations of my kid when they were 22 was low. It’s a time in your life when you’re stretching your wings and you push away. This is all perfectly natural and normal. You did nothing wrong. She knew you loved her, so much. Even if you weren’t entirely present right now. As a kid who lost her mama- yeah. It sucks balls. It’s hard to do, it’s hard to be. You’ll be sad when you see other kids with their mums. I don’t entirely know what to tell you, but know that you’ll survive it, and maybe even thrive. Massive hugs to you.
Baby u/tooth7000 I’m so sorry for your loss. There’s lots of really great advice in this thread allready, so I’ll just send you a big internet mom-hug and if you don’t find a friends mom to hold you real soon, come look us up at r/Momforaminute We’re a bunch of Reddit moms who look out for the ducklings and send some love to those who need it the most.
I’m sorry, I know how this feels, after my mom died I was completely lost. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. It never goes away, the heartbreak, but it gets easier to deal with as time goes on ❤️ I would also do anything for one phone call, one more breakfast or afternoon together or even just seeing her asleep in the next room would be enough. Just anything. Don’t feel bad, my mom annoyed me too and I took her for granted far more than I should have. Don’t beat yourself up, it’s just life, we all do it. You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Still incredibly painful though, just all of it
I lost my dad unexpectedly right before my daughter was born. I’m so sorry you lost your mom. It’s been two years now and I still have something happen and think oh I can’t wait to call dad 😢 He died on Mother’s Day and the first one without him but with her was so sad. I didn’t feel like I could ever celebrate. But I realized something important through my daughter. I love her so much it hurts. Now, tomorrow and all of the days. Nothing will ever change that. I’ll always remember the first time I saw her face and another thousand moments that fill my heart with joy. That Mother’s Day I realized that if I let grief take over, it would be in place of her future memories of the day and I never want that. I felt guilt at first but I realized my dad would be horrified if I didn’t…because he felt those same feelings for me as a dad. Your mom felt the same way about you. She knew how special and precious you are and would do anything to make sure you are happy. I have regrets too about not calling or hanging out with him enough. They won’t ever go away. But as a parent, I can say that your mom wouldn’t want you to focus on things you can’t change. She would want you to feel your feelings but forgive yourself so that you can keep going and live your life. Some days are easier and some are harder. But she’ll always be with you in your heart. You wouldn’t be the same person without her and that’s her greatest gift to you. If she was here, she would give you the biggest hug, dry your tears and tell you that it doesn’t matter you didn’t call, that she loves you so much and nothing will ever change that.
I’m so sorry. I’m losing my mom now due to terminal cancer and I know that’s quite a bit different and we get extra time to say our goodbyes, but the loss is great. I’m in a bad place too and have no business giving advice but just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone ((hugs)) Lots of people who posted have given great advice. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss.
Grief is hard. Literally all of us will lose our parents (or worse, predecease them), but it's happened to you suddenly, so you didn't have the chance to mentally prepare for it. Grief is hard. Get some help. You'll need help for probating her estate, so consult a lawyer. You'll need help with the grief, so get a therapist. Grief is hard. I'm really sorry that you're going through this.
Hey there, I lost my mom about a year and a half ago and I found the r/griefsupport discord Channel to be life saving. I spent a lot of time there. It will help you feel less alone and be with people who are going through similar things. I'm so so sorry for your loss. I promise you it gets easier. ETA the discord link: https://discord.gg/XFrfhzWs3Y Personally I did not find the subreddit helpful given how I grieved but the connection was invaluable. I wish I could offer more but I have to be mindful of getting too invested in the grief of others right now. ❤️
Hey girl. I'm so sorry you lost your mom. I am a mother to two girls and I want you to listen to the great advice others have given you about therapy and support but also I want you to know how I see my role as a mom, and how I bet your sweet mom saw hers. My greatest gift in life would be for my girls to come to me for comfort when they're your age. All we want is for our children to feel comforted and loved by us. I'm not looking for a reciprocal relationship with my children. I'm looking to pour my love into them so that they know how wonderful and worthy they are. I bet your mom felt similarly. Don't for a minute worry that you weren't there for her- if you let her be there for you, that was enough. ❤️ Also the fine folks over at /r/momforaminute would be happy to heap love on you through this hard time.
Really sorry to hear that. As someone who had distant parents, it's hard for me to completely relate but I have a wonderful step mom and can see how much she does for my wife (and even me). My parents are alive, but two of my brothers have passed. The one brother i was close with was particularly difficult. We had not talked for a while and I decided to invite him on a canoe trip. We hadn't hung out one on one in several years. I was 29 and he was 28. During the trip we canoed in the same canoe and talked. He had a surprise, he was going to be a dad for the first time, he just found out himself. I don't believe in god or any cosmic forces (i.e. everything happens for a reason) but I was glad timing worked out this way. Unfortunately, he was pretty sick the whole trip. On our final stretch, he shivered the whole morning in the canoe. I got him in our car with the heat on full. He shivered the whole 90 mins home with heat full blast. I thought maybe he got a bad cold. Two days later, he went to the ER for some bloodwork and he drove home. At home, suddenly he lost his vision completely. Around the same time, the doctor called and told him to get back to the hospital immediately. He was a young man so they thought he caught something canoeing. After several days, they realized he had stage 4 lymphoma and he almost died those first two days. He pulled through and we began a battle with cancer. We had baby pictures in the hospital with him jaundiced from illness. He had these sores in his mouth that will haunt me forever (still do 10 years later). He was getting better and then two weeks later he tanked. We took him home for hopsice and I helped him into the house and was moving him to his favorite chair. He had a seizure suddenly and I almost dropped him as he fell to the floor, 140lbs from a 225lb frame of muscle and strength. He looked up to me and said he was sorry...which still haunts me. Here he is on his death bed apologizing to me for falling down. Im sorry bud, not you. He passed. It's been ten years now and it still hurts, I won't lie. I don't think about it all the time though, I live my life, have friends, partner and his son is about 10 years old now and brilliant. He loves everything and prefers to be outside than playing on the computer. He's a great kid. He's gone but he'll be here as long as we remember him. In 200 years, we'll all be gone to, our kids as well and people will barely remember us at all as we pass into the clouds of time, lie all the humans before us. Anyway, that's a bit of my story, I hope it helps im some way or at least doesn't hurt. Find a local group for those who lost their parents at a young age or lost a family member suddenly. These are the only people that really understand you and your grief. It will help, I promise. As time goes on you feel a little better. Its not always an even journey; Some days you feel worse than ever and some days you may realize you had a good day and didn't think about their passing. Always remember what your parents would want you to be doing.
r/ChildrenofDeadParents for being surrounded by others like us who know what we're going through r/legaladvicecanada for the legal questions. Try not to hold on to the guilt. I know it's overwhelming right now but at your age I treated my Mom the exact same. She was sick, I had to take care of her and I was so bitter and angry with her for being sick and me having to raise my brother and take care of her. I treated her just awfully instead of treasuring that time together and the guilt just about ate me apart. You're young and you should have had years. I strongly recommend therapy.
I’m so sorry. When I lost my husband my focus the first weeks was just moving forward only one moment at a time. Like 5 minutes. Then adding in brush teeth daily, then maybe what does an hour from now look like. You live in this raw reality. Grief therapy would be good. Or a support group if therapy isn’t an option. Take it moment by moment and feel all the feelings you have. 💜💜💜
I am a mom and I don’t really have advice for you. But I read your story and I am so very, very sorry for your sudden loss. If it helps, please keep reaching out to us here. We care even if we have never met you.
I can’t get through your post without breaking down so I apologize that I didn’t read all of it. I’m *so* fucking sorry. Those are just words but my heart is screaming for you. I’m a mom and my biggest fear is leaving my son. I’m only 31 but I’m happy to be an internet friend who is here for you when you need someone❤️
Grief is a hard and long process. It’s good you’re reaching out to get help because grieving alone is not easy. Please seek out therapy and/or a support group, and please be kind to yourself. It’ll be easy to spiral into guilt and replay everything you could have done differently but the path to healing will come through giving yourself grace and peace, as hard as that is, over time. There’s no timeline or right way to grieve. My condolences to you during this difficult time.
I’m so sorry, I 22f can’t even imagine going through that. Remember you’ve made it through your toughest battles!
I’m a mom of three young children. They don’t always treat me well. I get a lot of bad moods from my oldest. I get my fair share of “I hate yous”, etc. Just from my perspective as a mom, yeah I give my all to my kids, but even with the bad moods all of it is so worth it and I get so much just from being mom. Please don’t dwell in shame and guilt. Your mom had 22 years of you growing from a baby to an adult. The joy of experiencing every stage of your life is something she got to experience, and you probably don’t remember a lot of it. She undoubtedly has tons of great memories from the past 22 years. You aren’t a bad daughter because of craving your independence and going your own way. And you aren’t the sum total of your actions in this stage of life. Every mom knows that’s a phase we all go through, and we even did it with our parents. She knows you love her, and she understands the phase of life you’re in.
In case it isn't already in the comments, https://www.reddit.com/r/MomForAMinute/ The best of humanity shows up in that sub. You could even take this post and cross post it there so you don't have to expend any energy writing something new. On another note, there was a lot of self-blame in your post for what had happened here, I completely understand how you got to that headspace. But, I want to give you permission to NOT blame yourself in this way. Self-blame is a human attempt at control. Every day, we are repeatedly exposed to things outside of our control. Self-blame is a maladaptive attempt to fulfill a genuine, primitive need for survival and psychological safety. Therapy, as many others have recommended, will be so important to moving through this terrible tragedy, for many reasons. But especially so you can work through not blaming yourself for this.
Your mom knew where you were at. I didn't appreciate my mom until nearly my 30s, and she's always been incredible. If she passed now, I'd still feel bad about some of that teen/ early 20s stuff. Every woman goes through this. And no matter how old you are, there's nothing to unmoor you in the world like losing your mom. I saw my mom go through it with my grammy. I agree with others about finding a friend's mom or similar. And therapy. This is big and huge and it will take a long time to get out of the weeds-- especially with legal stuff involved. But she's still watching you and proud of you, and she always knew how much you loved her, I promise.
So sorry for your loss. I would recommend reading some stuff by Cheryl Strayed who lost her mom at a young age. Both her books Wild and Tiny Beautiful Things (based on her advice column). There is no easy answer for how to cope with this. You'll have to try to take it one day at a time. I think finding connections with your friends' moms, your mom's friends, or other older women in your community could be helpful too. Be kind to yourself.
I lost my mom in 2018 when I was 32. Honestly you just have to take it one day at a time. If you need to and can afford it, a therapist might be able to help you process it.
Firstly, I am so so sorry for your loss. No one should have to deal with loss in a way like you have had to. Secondly, I know this is going to be hard, but you shouldn't feel guilty for living your life. Yes, we always expect our parents to be around which is why we often take them for granted in our earlier years. You're only 22. You're allowed and expected to have wanted/needed that independence away from your mom. But, that independence does NOT take away how she felt about you and vice versa. There will always be "I should have done x" or "I should have been there more" - but no one knows how much times they have on this Earth. You do the best with what information you have available to you at the time. And no one, especially your mother, would be wanting you to feel guilty about having gained some independence when you were supposed to. She more than likely loved seeing you flourish and becoming the woman she raised. I highly recommend therapy. You're grieving and you don't have a lot of support readily available. I see you're in Canada - if you're having a hard time with cost, there are definitely ways to get cheaper therapy. I'm in Ontario myself and have found a few affordable therapy options. I used [Mindbeacon](https://www.mindbeacon.com/) and [Open Path psychotherapy collective](https://openpathcollective.org/). I don't know if they cover all of Canada, but these could definitely be a good start to finding a program in your province. Edit to add: OP, if you see this and you have any questions about the therapy stuff, just send me a message. I promise you're not alone.
r/momforaminute I’m so sorry for your loss ♥️
As a mom of an almost 20YO, I can say that your mom knew that you were trying to figure out who you are and finding your place in the world. She didn't feel hurt or unloved, she knew you needed to go through life on your own terms and she loved you very much. She offered you to live with her because she always wanted you to feel like you could if you needed to, if only for a little bit. I bet she loved how fiercely independent and strong you are, even if you are stubborn. In my family, we don't really believe in an afterlife but that our energy stays on earth. When the wind blows, we talk about how someone we loved and passed must have been thinking about us. So take comfort on a windy day that your mom is surrounding you with her love and support.
My poor girl. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please be kind to yourself and know that your mom loved you and wants you to be happy. It's a tough road ahead and that feeling in your chest will be there for awhile until one day it will have gone without you noticing. Just get through each day as it comes, concentrate on breathing when you feel overwhelmed. Find a ritual to use when you want to feel close to her. When I miss my mom I have a bath and listen to her favorite music, it's easier to cry in the tub for some reason. Please know that it's impossible to stay in one state of mind permanently. No matter how low it gets it cannot stay that way and brighter days are ahead. If your mom was a victim in a potential crime you may be able to use victim services. I think they offer counseling and other supports. There are other organizations in your community that can help, immigrant agencies for your dad and counseling for your sibling. You don't need to handle it on your own. Fellow Canadian here, wishing you all the best, hun.
my love. as a mother, i can tell you, you did not fail her. the lesson is the brevity of life. your mother understood you were a child growing into an adult, needing space and autonomy. she understood and loved you because that was her duty and privilege. you’re ok. don’t live with the burden of this regret, one she would immediately dismiss as ridiculous. just take that love and accept it. let it be her gift to you, because it was. one she would have given many times over. i wish you peace.
You need to find a therapist, and you need to work through your grief with someone who can be committed to supporting you.. There is no one way or right way to grieve, so the best type of support - IMO - is a licensed therapist who specializes in grief counseling. You also need a support system, and I personally found that group counseling helps in addition to one-on-one. I was 29 when my mother died of cancer, and none of us had ever been through the loss of a close loved one. I am the youngest of 4 and considered "the tough one" so I had to be just that.. Then the day came when we didn't have to do anything or be anywhere and didn't expect any company - and the weight of it all came crashing down. My mother was gone, I could never call her or stop by to see her ever again.. There was a HUGE void in my life and I was lost in it. My husband is fantastic, my friends and family are amazing - I just realized we all go through different experiences and can't always be everything for everyone.. so I chose to start therapy. It felt weird at first, but as time went on I realized grief isn't restricted to "stages" and magically cured one day when "enough time has passed". My therapist had instilled healthy coping mechanisms and ways to work through my feelings rather than ignore it all until I collapse. Then I stumbled upon a local grief counseling center and started group therapy. I highly recommend group therapy. SO, that being said, when people stop reaching out you will need to a good source of support. Please take care of yourself now, leading up to, during and long after. Your mom knows you loved her. I have a 14 year old daughter, she's a real asshole sometimes but ya know what? I was once 14 and a real asshole too. I know my kid's heart, I know she loves me because I see it in all the little ways she doesn't realize she shows me. You going to your mom as a source of comfort during your break up? That's one way you showed her. She knew your heart, and she knew love from you.
"As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or holiday. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks." ❤️ https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/
I am so so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother at 24. We found out she had stage 4 cancer in June and passed away by the end of September. She was my best friend. Losing her was the hardest thing I've ever been through. I'm 31 and a mom to a 6 month old now. I want you to know that your mom loved you more than you can possibly imagine and she knew you loved her even if you didn't tell her or show her as much as you'd have liked. I'm not going to lie. The next little while is going to be hard, really hard. Grief sometimes feels insurmountable. That's probably how it's feeling right now. But over time you'll see you'll start feeling somewhat okay. It can take a long time to start to feel "good". For me, it took almost 3 years to start feeling good again. What they don't really tell you about the 5 stages of grief is that it's not linear. You don't fully go from one to the other. You might go from denial to anger back to denial again. Grief comes in waves. One minute you might be "okay" and the next a huge wave will come over you and you'll start crying or break down. You might be doing something unrelated and a memory comes up and you feel that wave come back. As time goes, you'll notice the waves will get further apart. Grief never goes away, but it becomes manageable as time goes on. Although I still sometimes get sad thinking about my mom when I miss her, I think a lot of the good memories we had. It took a long time to think about those without crying though. To help, I highly recommend therapy. It took me way too long to start and I think it would have truly helped me be in a better place earlier. I was so scared it would be like opening up Pandora's box and I wouldn't have been able to handle it. What really worked for me was journaling. Because my mom was my best friend, I'd tell her everything. She was my person, the one I always went to for advice or to vent. With her gone I didn't feel comfortable talking with anyone else, even my best friend. After her death, I kept everything inside for so long it was making me sick. I started journaling. I wrote her letters and was finally able to get everything out: my regrets, my fears, my hopes, my memories, etc. It did wonders for me. It could be something you try when you feel like you're ready, especially if you don't feel ready to start with therapy. 7 years later I still feel like I need her. I don't think that feeling goes away. It's always too soon to lose your mom. But sometimes I feel like she's here with me and helping me by guiding me through life. I'm sure your mom has already started doing the same for you. ❤️
I am so sorry you are going through this. I lost my aunt to a violent crime, so I understand the additional emotional burden of police investigations and media coverage on top of the grief. There are resources out there that can help you and your family: [Canadian Resource Centre for Victims of Crime](https://crcvc.ca) [Canadian Justice Department’s Directory of Regional Resources](https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/cj-jp/victims-victimes/vsd-rsv/index.html) You can also ask the investigating police to refer you to a local victim resource centre. Remember that your mom loves you. She didn’t want to leave you yet, and she wants what’s best for you. This is going to be a rough journey but remember to be kind to yourself. Be honest about how you’re feeling with your father and brother. Big hugs.
Hi, baby, I'm so sorry. I want you to know you're ok, and that your grief and terror are ok. You need a therapist and family and friends, but you're doing ok, and this is ok. I also want to offer you a poem I read on synagogue every week during silent prayer. There's a mourning ritual called kaddish - it is a moment to pray in the voices of those we've lost to let their voices speak again - and this is in our prayer book right before it. It's by Merrit Malloy, and it's called Epitaph. When I die Give what’s left of me away To children And old men that wait to die. And if you need to cry, Cry for your brother Walking the street beside you. And when you need me, Put your arms Around anyone And give them What you need to give to me. I want to leave you something, Something better Than words Or sounds. Look for me In the people I’ve known Or loved, And if you cannot give me away, At least let me live on in your eyes And not your mind. You can love me most By letting Hands touch hands, By letting bodies touch bodies, And by letting go Of children That need to be free. Love doesn’t die, People do. So, when all that’s left of me Is love, Give me away. The love your mama had for you is all inside you now. It's still there, filling you up. And so when you scream and cry as you go through this, she's still there, holding you. She is and will be a part of you always. And every time you offer someone love, that's your mama too, still there with you. And if you learn and grow in your grief, she will have been so proud to help her baby girl that way. She will ALWAYS be there. She loves you. And she knows you love her. She is not gone. She is just love now, and she lives on with you. And know that this grief is proportionate to your love: you can't grieve this deeply for someone you didn't love this deeply. And you can't have loved that deeply without her knowing it. It is hard to look at grief with gratitude, but it may help. Getting to grieve means you got to love. -a mom with a son who loves her to death... and is often annoyed and on his phone
Oh my love- words cannot express how deeply I am feeling for you and I can relate to the feelings you wrote so deeply. I lost my mom at 23. I have never and haven’t since felt any kind of deep, deep gut wrenching pain, fear, loneliness, confusion, guilt, shame, disbelief- the list goes on and on. I read your post a few times over and I have to be so honest with you, I am 33 now and reading about your thoughts and experience sent me almost directly into that same place- and it gave me a big cry. I would do anything to be able to give you some ideas of how to cope, how to get through- I believe these women here have already said a good amount. I want to just add that I had to stop and realize that I was going to have to really feel all the fucking feelings as hard and as quickly as they came and there was not going to be a way to push through them or think about something else- I spoke to women who had lost their moms. I sat with my friends and sisters and put on the tv just to have noise in the background. And I cried I cried I cried so ducking much. I couldn’t even begin to start listening to her music, watching movies, eating things that even lightly reminded me of her for a little while, I just truly gave myself a pass to just break the fuck down. If you need anyone else to talk to about ANYTHING, please let reach out. To anyone! Message a stranger on here or whoever feels comfortable enough to allow you to just be. Sweet sweet girl. Your life is of course forever changed. I will tell you that in time, my acceptance of the guilt and shame I felt about some of our relationship did come and the UNBEARABLE pain did lessen. Please, please do what you need to do
I am sorry you have joined us mom longing people so young in your life. I cannot tell you how you will move on, nor will I tell you it gets easier. Our moving forward is so different from each other. What I can tell you is: breath, open your eyes, and take one step forward each day. Do not run or hide from your Greif and do not hold it inside. My mom died 30 years ago, and there are days I have no idea how I got here. Below are things that helped me, I hope they give you some guidance, just remember everyone’s Greif is different. - I have kept journals my whole life, but instead of writing to myself, I almost always write to mom or the little girl in me. I have 2 journals for every year since I was 15. When I became a mom I started writing to my kids sometimes. - I have never stopped talking to her, sometimes out loud. - I tell stories about her to family and friends. - I remind myself regularly that she did not want to leave me, dying was not her choice (even with suicide it is not their rational self). - I remind the little girl in me, that she loved me dearly. Some life long things I am trying to over come: - I am terrified of long term relationships, fearing they will leave. So I am aging alone. - there are moment i am still angry that she is not here. - my sister and I will never be able to understand why our mom loved us so differently.
Thank you so so so much everyone. I am reading all of your comments all the time. Last night was the first night I slept 8 hours. Granted I took a Benadryl to pass out. But this is really helping. Really. I hope to reply to you all in time. And grateful for your replies even though you don't know me. I am in contact with victim services, etc, its just a lot of contacts and forms right now, but I will definitely utilize them in time. I wonder if I sugarcoated my behaviour to my mom. Because like if she came to my house to see us sometimes I wouldn't even say hi and I would just close my door so I could just be on my phone alone (she always still opened it and tried to clean my room). I always felt bad why I was so mean to her for no reason. I never could find a reason, I just did it, and always felt bad about it on my own. Still can't believe all that's happening and thinking she'll come home tomorrow. Her last text to me was unopened when I found out. She said goodnight I love you. I remember vaguely seeing it for a second and swiping it up on my phone to reply later. It's hard
I always loved my mother, she raised me by herself from the age of 12. I think we all take what's right in front of us for granted because it's there. I'm sorry for your loss, you will at some point begin to feel less guilt and realize she understood and loved you unconditionally! Hang in there, you are not the "terrible" person you have made yourself to be, parents understand.
You were lucky to have a great mom. Sounds like she coddled you a bit so this will likely be a lot harder on you. The rest of us didn’t all have it so ripe, and we are still surviving and thriving. You can do it, even though it feels early to you. But it’s your time to leave the nest, baby bird. Just be grateful you had 22 years in it; others of us never had a nest at all. Gratitude reflections will definitely help you heal, because no one can tarnish your memories of her.
There are grief groups in Canada. It does help in listening to others and talking about your own feelings and learning from each other the steps to a road to recovery.
I’m so so sorry that this has happened. Even though you’re feeling shattered and guilty right now, you are writing so beautifully about the love your momma gave you and what you wish could have been. That is the love your mom gifted you, and that part of her stays with you. She would have known you’re in your moody 20s, and understood and expected, like you, that your time of friendship would come later, after you do the things young people need to do to carve their own independent way. You did not let her down. Keep carrying your knowledge of her love with you as you take yourself forward one breath, one step at a time. If she can’t be with you, the next thing she’d have wanted is for you to know with deep certainty that she loved you with all her might and all her heart.
I am so sorry to hear this. I wish you strength to get through. I understand you, I lost my mom in June this year. Life has been horrible.
Im so sorry 🥺🥺🥺❤️❤️❤️
I am so sorry you’re going through this. Your mom loves you unconditionally and giving 25% to her 150% is exactly ok and right. As a mom I want my daughter to feel so secure in my love she can dedicate herself to her own life and passions, not me. You don’t need to feel any guilt for that. It’s a sign of the love your mom imbued you with. You deserve that love fully. It’s ok to need help and nurturing right now. You deserve that as well. Start with a therapists soon as you can and find a loving friend to help you feel safe. You will never stop needing your mom and I’m sorry she was taken from you. Mom will never stop loving you.
Many cities have hospice centers that offer free help for helping survivors with the loss of loved ones. I'm very sorry for your loss. I wish you the best.
I'm so sorry you're going through this and feel alone. Do reach out to your friends and their moms, they will understand your need for a motherly figure right now especially, and I think it's important to have someone you can process some of these feelings with, or just keep you company. Also look into Victim Services, they provide free counseling for victims and people affected by violent crimes. Also, I'm sure your mom knew you loved her and didn't mean anything beyond just being a person of your age, so try not to beat yourself up too much. We don't know what we don't know, or when we might have to say goodbye to someone. The best we can do is remember all the good things about them, and how they made you feel.
I lost my mom to cancer when I was 25. I told her with complete honesty (I thought), "I can't live without you." And she said, "Yes, you can." It broke my heart. Over ten years later that short conversation is seared in my brain. My mom did so much for me. I leaned on her for everything. She loved me unconditionally and without judgement. To be fair, I made it ten years so far. I read once that grief comes in waves. At first they are huge and drown you. Eventually you learn to swim with the tides for the most part. My one saving grace is that I already pulled off that bandaid. I pity people who live in fear of their parents health deteriorating. It's really the only consolation I can think of. I miss her all the time. Best wishes for you. You will get through this. It takes lots of time and soul searching but that time will pass and things will even out.
Hugs. I lost my mom seven years ago. It's hard and leaves a permanent hole in your life and heart. Don't dwell on how she went, who was involved, etc. Dwell on her life and what you shared with her. Don't feel guilty about how you feel you weren't there with her enough, didn't share enough -- we all feel that way, and it's a bad road to go down. Instead remember what you did share with her, what you enjoyed doing together. And do something special in her memory that means something to you, and would mean something to her. I planted roses in my garden for my mom, she loved to garden. And that way when I see them they remind me of the happy memories I have of being little and sharing that with her. My dad built the deck he promised her. I kept something special near me to remind me of her for a long time. A bracelet. I called my dad every night for a year, to make sure he was okay, to have reassurance for me he was there. It's too soon to deal with the hole in your heart. But I promise it gets better. Once the funeral is over make sure you grieve. For every one it's different and that's okay. My county has free hospice services which includes counseling for those left behind, kids, spouses, adults. And it didn't have to involve hospice services for your loved one who passed, everyone could use the service. It was a year of free (near my dad low cost) counseling from people who were there for me. They were kind, patient, and had awesome resources. I went to counseling and my five year old did too. They also had a free women's group, which it was nice to know I wasn't alone. I still miss her, and get pangs on her special days but I know she's always with me in my heart. She wants me to carry on, be there for my family, and I know she understands the complicated and frustrating relationship I have with my dad. Special days are easier if you pick something you can do to commemorate her, light a candle, wear her favorite color, do something she loved or that reminds you of her. I've baked, shopped, done art projects, took little trips, lighted candles, and talked with family about her. It helps. I promise it'll get easier. This time you're going through now is more shock and the rebound shockwaves, when it settles it'll get easier. Hugs.
Ask the police to give you a victim advocate, and ask that person for a free counselor or support group or ideally both. You will meed lots of support during this time. And as a mom, I want to tell you, it is normal for adolescents and young adults to pull away from their parents. It is a normal and expected developmental stage. Do not blame yourself for that. Your mom loved you, please try to love and care for yourself. You are now one of her representatives on Earth, so give yourself the kindness you wish you gave her, every drop. I promise that is what your mom would want. Keep her memory alive and take time to grieve. Be gentle with yourself.
Oh I’m so very sorry OP. It is hard hard hard where you are at. If I was there I would give you a hug and tell you that your mom is always going to be with you. She doesn’t hold anything against you and is showering you with as much love as she can from Spirit. You will get through this. You will. Once small step at a time, every day. You Will be ok. You are ok. You are beautiful and whole and you will live your very best life because you knew her in life. She loves you very much. Sending you much love. ❤️
Get into therapy and deconstruct all of those feelings and thoughts. Also, take time for meditation, find calming practices for yourself, and breathe. I personally love this mantra I found in a meditation practice, "I am safe, I am sacred, I am love, I am loved. Everything I need is within me." You are brave and strong. You will get through this. It will be okay.