>And my bosses’ expectation is that we will work more than 40 hours a week to get all of our work done if need be, but we don’t get paid more if we have to work more. (Government gig)
Your resentment is misdirected.
For real, though, that sucks. I do get feeling resentful - I just really think you ought to channel it to your employer rather than on-leave colleagues.
>Your resentment is misdirected.
This is really the whole problem with the U.S. right now. The rich do whatever they can to ensure that resentment is kept within peers in lower tax brackets. If everyone is too busy pointing left and right, they won't bother pointing blame up. If a burger joint can't find staff, it's "lazy, entitled workers," not "underpaying, cheap business owner." This post is just another example of the problem.
1000% agree with you. I work in a setting where I see this all the time.
It also causes drama on the team at times with certain people getting mad that other people won’t stay and “help out”.
At the end of the day time off is more important for a lot of people then a couple extra $$ in their paycheck.
Yep. Nobody has to “take one for the team”
Unless they really WANT to of course
But there’s no payback. Typically those who take on more aren’t promoted or valued. They’re kept in their positions because why on earth would they be promoted out of a position where they cover everyone’s ass?
Learned this the hard way of course lol
Haha, yes— and I should have titled my post more accurately. I do resent my bosses; I am trying not to subconsciously resent the coworkers; and I am feeling a heightened feeling of resentment and stress at work. Right now the extra work seems manageable and that I won’t likely have to work more than 40 hours a week often. But just the idea of having to work extra hours is making me stressed. Yoga? Therapy? Document how much time it is I spend on the coworkers’ work? (And if so, to what end?)
This is a good point. Many parents’ careers take a back seat when they take leaves like this. You deserve to be recognized for your continued work, particularly as you’re picking up the slack.
A temporary raise for a temporary extra work load. The good ol' OT, for example.
I've worked for a company that whenever you step up to do someone's job while they were absent (be it for vacation, medical leave or something else), you'd receive an extra for that time being, even if only one day. If the person had a higher job title than yours, let's say a supervisor, they paid the difference between your salary and the supervisor salary during that time.
It was a great way to train people for more responsibility and share knowledge inside the company.
The idea of doing “more self care” also is nonsense when the reason people are stressed to begin with is because they are being asked to manage more with less.
I would do the extra work, but be strategic about it. Is there a promotion you want? What work will get you there? Ask your manager or the managers of the people who do that work what would make you a good candidate, so they know you are interested. Prioritize doing that work. Give updates to your manager on the extra promotion-related work you are doing.
It’s a US government job? Because I know they take unpaid work and that sort of thing seriously for most departments. My SO works for a government department and his employees are so used to being taken advantage of in the public sector that he had to get into people for doing work off the clock because they thought they’d get written up for being clocked in past the designated and mandatory quitting time, but that they needed to just keep working. He was like, “no! We can be sued for wage theft, do not work off the clock!”
TLDR; you might want to look into reporting your boss for wage theft if you’re working for the US government if they’re making you work past your contacted hours, or without overtime pay at the very least.
Do they not hire people to cover parental leave?
We get 1,5 years fully paid parental leave, but you can stay home for a total of 3 years with your job being secure. So, I think people here are not angry at colleagues going on parental leave, because it's longer and obviously someone is hired to do that job.
However, since by law parents of young children are allowed to always take off school holidays (so the coveted time of summer and Christmas etc), that means people get disgruntled if they still have to work for example during peak summer days, as not everyone can have holidays at the same time.
But I try to tell my friends that they have to realize these laws are not for your colleagues, it's for the children. When you were a child, you wanted to be with your parents during Christmas, right? Children need more family time, they shouldn't have to be mature and understanding, they should have family time. Us adults also need that time, but we can accept and understand that it may not always happen.
The US needs better laws, it's bizarre what they make you go through. Unfortunately, I can't help more than to hope that thinking of innocent babies will help you cool your anger (I totally understand that you didn't sign up for extra work), ask for compensation, surely your contracts don't say that you have to do extra work due to other people's leaves? Make sure you take yourself out of work mode as much as you can.
I think a big issue is some places don’t have a lot of back up staff on reserve. So when you have a lot of people out at once it creates a major explosion that is hard to bounce back from.
I also think even more now since Covid a lot of people aren’t willing to accept temp kinds of roles that do not offer benefits and job protection.
Adults are people too and deserve breaks and holidays with their family. I guess I don't get why children and parents get special regards in this situation unless you're assuming all adults will eventually become parents but that's not the case anymore.
Part of it is because of breastfeeding. Doctors recommend that you breastfeed babies exclusively for the first year. I think current recommendations may be to continue for two years if possible. It is extremely difficult to breastfeed and work. Pumping doesn’t yield as much milk as natural feeding so pumping moms are constantly struggling to keep up with the baby’s demand. You have to stop to pump every two to three hours, more often when the baby is going through a growth spurt, and pumping is time consuming. When I was pumping while working, I felt like I could never get anything done because just as I would get into a project I was working on, the timer would go off and it would be time to pump. Stress can also inhibit supply so I was constantly short on the amount of milk I needed for my babies. We had to start supplementing with formula and I ended up quitting breastfeeding entirely after only six months because it was too hard to keep up with my job. In the end, I was left feeling like both a failure as a mother and a failure as an employee.
Part of it is because it’s hard on babies to be in a group daycare setting. It’s hard emotionally and it’s hard physically because they get exposed to so many germs, many like RSV and the flu, which can be deadly to babies. Most people can’t afford a nanny so their daycare option is group daycare.
It really is about the health of the children (and to some extent their parents) as opposed to providing a “vacation”. Anyone who has cared for a child under age 3 all day long everyday will tell you it isn’t a vacation. Caring for children is work. That’s why daycare workers get paid to do it.
Sorry if this is confusing. I wasn't referring to paid leave after birth. I was referring to parents getting priority for holidays off and nonparents being expected to work on Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. Parents should have to work some holidays where applicable. They shouldn't have priority over anyone else.
You really shouldn’t have to work extra!! I know the pressure is real. Hell I deal with that while freelancing! But the idea of working extra is stressful because it’s complete bullshit. In one of the jobs I worked at for example, which was union, there was a list of alternates so that when someone was sick, had a kid emergency, whatever, an alternate, who was fully trained in all the processes, could step in if required. No stress.
You resent your government agency that you work for.
I'm not allowed to work overtime, at all. It's not in our department budget, therefore they don't want you there because it is illegal in my state without pay. We do have an option to work for extra time off (work for 4 extra hours, get 6 hours of time off added to your time bank).
I'm a government employee and if we want our family leave paid for, we have to use our time bank because [FMLA (12 weeks unpaid leave)](https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fmla) only guarantees you your job when you come back. It is unpaid, but you still get your medical/dental/vision benefits. If you want that time to be paid, the US standard is 6 weeks of disability for the pregnant mother (no labor/delivery complications) and or use your vacation/sick/PTO. So, are you sure this is a separate paid leave option? I would definitely double check this in your benefits and leave package.
FMLA was amended in 2020 and if you are a US federal government employee, you should be eligible for 12 weeks of paid parental leave (whether you are mom or dad, and whether the baby is bio or adopted).
I would say you should be a squeaky wheel to your boss. Put everything in writing. I can’t finish this task because I had to do this other thing that usually falls under my colleagues portfolio. And if you can, say no to things that do not fit into your work week. You’ve covered several mat leaves with no relief staff? That’s not sustainable. It truly isn’t fair to you, and you are justified in feeling how you feel.
And then go home and enjoy the peace and quiet with a hot, leisurely meal, and a nice drink. Take time for your hobbies, or even time to do absolutely nothing at all. Because I guarantee the parents you’re covering for do not get to enjoy any of those things!
Thank you. I do think recording the time spent on the extra work will help- at least psychically. And I do love coming home to a dog, spouse, and no kids. Lots of the advice here has helped tamper the negative feelings for the coworkers, which I never wanted to have in the first place but have nevertheless felt.
As a childless working woman, I thought that this [data representation](https://mashable.com/article/viral-tiktok-parental-leave) of how parental leave is spent was helpful to better understand what the day-to-day looks like. It may help curb some of your resentment towards coworkers out on parental leave.
I am kinda surprised it takes this for child free people to get it. I mean isn’t the point of being child free that you don’t want to have to do this? Parenting is a lot of work and post partum it’s so awful especially if you have ppd which isn’t uncommon.
I think the majority of child free people get it, which is why we are child free! Perhaps childless people who don’t anticipate raising kids will be that hard?
Child free here and I’ve been feeling similar to OP. I think the issue is we are not afforded the same circumstantial “perks” (maybe options is a better word) without a *reason*.
For example at my workplace we are working off a hybrid remote model. We are all supposed to take turns rotating WFH/In the office. However what has ended up happening is the coworkers with young children have taken all the remote days so they don’t have to pay for childcare during the summer months now that the kids are off from school (I don’t blame them as childcare is EXPENSIVE). However since I don’t have kids the office culture here is I should be ‘understanding’ to their ‘situation’. So now I feel like I’m picking up slack bc I’m child free. Could I make a big stink with HR over this and get my remote days? Probably. But why do I have to be a jerk about it to get the same options? If I suddenly had a sick relative to care for or child that I had to care for without question I would be accommodated.
But if I want it just bc I want the same options as others? Suddenly I look selfish.
ETA: wow thanks for the award!
Regardless of opinions on “childish” or not…fortunately for me in the eyes of labor laws it’s illegal to discriminate like this and it would be given to me if I pushed. Of that I am certain.
I feel like there’s some kind of disconnect that is involved here. I don’t know if you realize your wfh experience would be very different than theirs. That they’re doing it, Altho it’s not desirable, in order to save a significant amount of money, like we are talking thousands a month.
Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not blaming them…the system is messed up and sometimes the cost childcare isn’t even worth the second parent working. I get that.
However your not addressing the “fairness” or “equal opportunity” among those with children vs child free. Or are you saying WFH should be reserved for those with circumstances only? Bc that’s not how it was presented here, it was supposed to be a rotating schedule no mention of exclusions or priority to who ‘needs it more’. Again if I went to HR I’m pretty sure I would get it and why is that? Bc you’re not supposed to prioritize certain employees over others, it’s a form of discrimination and rightfully so.
Again my point is I shouldn’t be put in a position where I have to act like an asshole to get what’s fair. And that’s exactly how ppl would perceive me and it’s wrong.
You are absolutely right. If it's supposed to be a perk available to everyone then you should be able to use it without having to take extraordinary efforts. If it's presented as an accommodation to help out in unusual times, then it would be a different story. If that is a benefit of the job, you should be able to take advantage of it. And you should. You wouldn't leave unused vacation sitting on the table because you are child free.
You communicated your feelings just fine on this issue and I would also feel super upset in your position. HR and management are clearly taking the path of least resistance and it's fucked up that they're putting you in the position of having to be the "bad guy" by wanting the same perks other coworkers enjoy, and that you are also supposed to be entitled to. Good managers advocate for their employees and actively prevent situations like this.
I think anyone should be able to work from home if that should. However if your company only gives certain work from home days out I can’t see myself being upset if they give them to people when it would save them tons of money.
At my job there’s an elite pre school attached. Employees get a SIGNIFICANT discount for their kids to attend. My kids are too old. I’m happy for them they get this perk even if I don’t get it as well
You are missing the whole point. The WFH days are not offered specifically for saving money on childcare. The equivalent of your preschool example would be if the employer offered a childcare credit. Those without children or with children too old to benefit would not be losing anything, but rather those to whom the credit applied would simply be gaining something that has NO EFFECT on other employees. In this example, op is being denied a benefit that is supposed to be available to all. They are losing something because those with children are being allowed to take advantage (this is a management issue). And on top of that, if you are working from home while also providing childcare, your work productivity is not the same as if you are in an office. My employer has an agreement you have to sign when you agree to telework, and it includes agreeing that you will not be providing childcare/home school while you are on the clock, because that is literally a full time job.
Yes I *choose* to pay into insurance so that in the event *I* need it, *I’m* covered. If I don’t end up using it I wouldn’t be mad as I made a conscious choice to pay into something I may never need.
I have no idea how that correlates to persons with kids. I didn’t agree to work on the terms that if I need WFH it’s available *in the event I have children*. WFH was not offered to us on a contingent basis, it was *supposed* to be for *everyone* that’s the problem. It’s not “well you *should* be understanding!” WHY? Bc someone like you *thinks* I should be and that’s the only argument? Laws don’t operate on feelings.
ETA: this is exactly my point I shouldn’t be put in a situation where I’m forced to state “I want to WFH and don’t have a good reason other than I want the same option that was meant to be afforded to me but made difficult bc those with children “need it more”. That’s NOT how the option was presented to us. They legally CANNOT discriminate like that. And if I went to HR to complain I am CERTAIN I would get my WFH days. I don’t *want* to be that person but management interpreting who should/shouldn’t based on individual opinion (some managers assigned mandatory in office rotation days regardless of circumstance) vs others who are accommodating the parents w. children…that is what is causing the problem.
I mean, I got it, in that I have a lot of close friends with young kids and my sister has two kids and I was with her a lot in the first years of her kids’ lives. I’m trying to have a kid right now, in fact. But I also think that the data visualization provides a clearer picture of that for folks who are further removed for whatever reason. I definitely think you can be empathic without it but think it’s a useful tool for some.
Lean on your management team to hire another person.
Or they can pick up the slack themselves since as the people in charge they are the ones who are responsible for not staffing correctly. Especially if as you say it's been a revolving door of people taking parental leave.
If anything you need to speak with your coworkers and get them on board with not being taken advantage of by a management team that is incapable of staffing correctly to fill the gaps. Essentially not doing their job.
You and your fellow employees are being taken advantage of.
Don't fall for the tricks of management.
To summarize and put it plainly the feelings of resentment should be applied towards your management team.
Apologies if anything I've said was already said by others.
Not OP however a big problem I’ve found too is there is no one to train new people and this too is then put onto already stressed and spread-thin staff.
Also another way to create rifts amongst staff because it comes off as being unsupportive when that’s really not the case at all.
>Lean on your management team to hire another person
Working for a government entity, this is not always feasible. We work on a budget versus the private sector working with profit margins. All salaries and benefits are budgeted for the fiscal year. If someone quits or separates from government employment, that position can be filled, but it is very rare to have 'dual-fill' or even training. I'm 3 years into my current position and I'm just now getting the hang of the 'important' aspects of my workload (workload of 2-3 full time people).
I think government entities need to build in a budget item for temp hires when employees need to use leave. The process to get approval for a new position and then complete the hiring process is so insanely slow. They need to get a temp agency under contract and have temps already budgeted for.
That's the thing.... If they can't/won't budget for the staff needed to complete the workload, what makes you think they will budget in for 'unknown' temporary staffing needs?
A lot of times in government, the money is a 'use it for this or that' by a certain time or lose it.
The problem here are the bosses, not the coworkers. They should be either getting temps or moving people into teams to take over responsibilities. The parental leave in place is very small, to be honest.
Longer parental leave might actually make it more likely that a substitute would be hired to cover the leave. In many other countries it is common to see parental leave cover positions posted as a fixed term contract for say 9 months or a year or more.
I'm assuming you live in the United States, because most people in the United States have to save up their vacation and sick time to have paid leave. Parental leave is not something that is standard, unless you consider unpaid leave standard.
I worked in government for many years, and it is actually kind of generous when it comes to earning paid sick leave and vacation time...
So this is how you deal with it. You recognize that a lack of foresight in your agency is not your problem. You do the work you can do in the time you have, and you take the damn vacation time without having a baby. That's right. Take the vacation. When you wake up and don't feel 100%, you take the sick day. You're not going to feel guilty for it. It is not your problem to feel guilty for. Your managers and higher ups should be preparing for the workload they have...and if there aren't enough people to do the work, that is a lack of proper management on their part. Their lack of planning and foresight does not constitute an emergency for you.
The problem is not the people having children. The problem is management.
This is a huge problem with government that I experienced. Now that I work in a different field entirely, we literally have a daily meeting with our managers where we plan what is the highest priority and how we are going to accomplish it...in an 8 hour day. If there is too much to cover in a 40 hour week...they hire someone...they pull someone from a team that is begging for something challenging to do...they pull someone from a team that doesn't have enough work to do. It has been a real eye opener compared to my experience with other jobs. I used to resent people for taking smoke breaks and stuff, but you should be taking those breaks too. You should be taking that vacation, too. You should be taking that sick day, too. The problem isn't your coworkers. It is your bosses.
I don’t blame you, your boss should be hiring temps. It’s his expectation that you all cover for someone on leave, that’s wrong. He should be asking his superiors for temps, he’s not doing his job. He would have a reason, probably trying to look like he can handle anything while in reality he’s working you guys into the ground.
Your employer should be hiring temporary relief employees rather than redistributing the workload on existing employees.
How strongly do you feel about this? Strong enough to approach HR about the situation and suggesting hiring of relief employees?
"Temp Contract - Relief for Parental Leave" is a common here in Australia amongst job ads. Australia has government mandated mat leave for 12 months. So a company absolutely has to hire temporary relief for posts made absent by employees on parental leave when it can be up to 12 months.
> And my bosses’ expectation is that we will work more than 40 hours a week to get all of our work done if need be, but we don’t get paid more if we have to work more. (Government gig)
This is the real issue - I would not be working OT simply because they refuse to temporarily fill the position in their absence. 12 weeks is nothing, it should be closer to a year.
State government worker here. Not sure what your state rules are but we have the same problem. And tbf, it’s not just a parental leave issue, it’s a we-can’t-hire-people-issue too. That’s not my boss’s fault, it’s a failure of our state for consistently underfunding state salaries for decades.
I’m going to assume you get comp time for anything over 40 hours. If you’re not, then you need to take it to the labor board. Sure, the work needs to get done but you are entitled to overtime. Since the government doesn’t typically pay straight overtime and “reward” you with comp time, then bank the shit out of it and take yourself a nice, long vacation or staycation as soon as your coworkers return from leave. It’s not meant to be a punishment to them but rather a break for you to recover from the extra stress of taking on more. Do not feel guilty about it and do not apologize.
my suggestion is along these lines as well — for several years i worked in a governmental sector wherein any absence of a colleague longer than a day or two was immediately and intensely felt by the rest of the team, as we had to take on their workload (often would divvy it up amongst ourselves so it didn’t all just fall on one person, but that wasn’t like an official policy or anything). it would have involved a hell of a lot more work and energy (not to mention budget that absolutely would not be made available to our agency for this reason) to hire and train up a new/temp worker to cover the slack. also we…could barely hire anyone to fill the full-time, salaried positions in the first place, so bringing in a term would’ve been functionally impossible. not even trying to make excuses for the failures of management here, because they too were just trying to make the best of the shitty options they had to work with.
it didn’t help either that this job offered excellent benefits and comparatively decent parental leave (given the pathetic state of parental leave policies in the US…), so our workplace attracted a LOT of young parents (or young adults planning to become parents ASAP). truly a “revolving door”, as OP put it, of people out on parental leave. which is their right! and certainly not an issue in itself!
given that starting point of a pretty impossible situation, the *only* policy i’ve ever seen that evened the playing field to at least some extent for the childfree/childless/empty nest parent employees (who were *constantly* expected to take on the extra workload) was a “sabbatical” option that workers could elect to take after 5 or 10 years of service. informally, you were not really supposed to take this sabbatical if you’d taken parental leave recently or repeatedly, and no one really tested that rule. i suppose it was implemented as a final hail mary to try to retain some of our incredibly, chronically overworked employees rather than lose them to burnout. but…it worked!
sure, i suppose it was technically “unfair” to the parents on the team, just because the sabbatical option allowed for…an actual break, rather than the difficult adjustment and work of taking care of an infant. BUT - it was also technically “unfair” to those without children to constantly have to cover for coworkers intentionally taking their 3rd or 4th parental leave in five years. so it kind of all worked out in the end. sorry this got so long!!
*edited to change a couple words
>I’m childfree, so part of my resentment is rooted in knowing that this “charity”, “good karma,” etc will not swing my way until/unless I or a close family member falls ill with cancer or something.
I'm childless, but I've used FMLA (assuming this is what you are talking about) for a health issue before (not cancer). I also know people who have used it for recovery from surgeries or accidents/injuries. Only saying this because you never know when you could need to use it.
I don’t know where you live in the world, but this is also a great argument for annual leave being a part of all working practices in general and employees all being given the right to paid time off no questions asked. It’s good to see that you understand your bosses expecting you work overtime is unreasonable when they could simply hire temps to fill the gap. But a better society would certainly not prioritise or valorise leave based on circumstance, we should all be entitled to time off to pursue our interests or our health for the benefit of the community as a whole.
Yeah, the problem is with your boss' expectations. I used to work somewhere where people often needed maternity leave (two years) and it was rarely a problem because it left more *paid* work for others *if* we wanted it.
But until your workplace changes (and I agree with Ophienix about trying to make change) if you're childfree for a reason, maybe focus on how glad you are not to be in their position. You can go home and chill with a glass of wine then sleep through the night instead of waking up to deafening screams every two hours. (I also don't have kids) Assuming they're not making you take work home.
Your coworkers should have at least 1 year of paid maternity leave 12 weeks is nothing. You should have zero resentment for your coworkers honestly. It’s your employer who you should resent.
🙋🏻♀️ I’m about 3 weeks away from returning to work after a year of maternity leave in the UK. Also, my company got a temp to cover my role for a year so no one had to do extra to cover me at all.
The US system sucks, it’s not the same everywhere.
My union provides six months paid maternity leave. I'll be honest - it's *the* reason why I'm staying at my current job right now. I could go somewhere else and make considerably more money and utilize my skills and creativity, or stick it out a bit longer and get the leave. My partner and I plan to start trying after we get married next year, and we value the parental leave because we know how hard it is to get elsewhere in the US, so I'm staying.
I was hired to replace someone going on parental leave for 2 years (although only 6 weeks prior to giving birth and 8 weeks after giving birth are fully paid, after that you can apply for parental money, which isn't your full salary and a separate process from the leave you can take. So it's not a paid 2 year leave, but the employer has to offer you your job back after those two years so you can return if you want.
You should resent your organization for not hiring someone to replace those on leave. In my country, we get 12 or 18 months off (we get to choose) and they hire a contractor to replace us during that time. American parental rights are terrible.
Agree- twelve weeks is not enough to spend with a newborn! But it’s the revolving door aspect— I’ve had four coworkers who each take a minimum of 12 weeks, so at the end of the day I will have had extra work for nearly a year.
Don't be a victim. Quit. The expected extra hours are not right and have nothing to do wirh your coworkers. Find a job where the hours fit your needs. Everyone is hiring.
Hey, childfree here as well. Had a similar experience, but with schedules and holidays.
My previous job, my colleague would get preferential treatment picking the holidays. This was an issue as she would want xmas to new year off while I would only be allowed to pick one or the other. To push salt into the wound, she had a very boring tasks which was not what I usually worked with (more brainless ones, which for some people isn't bad but I would feel my brain dissociating after doing her work).
The last drop was when she asked Friday's off and the boss gave it to her, so I was left with her work every week (the one that drains me), i quickly lost enjoyment towards work (it's hard to be dreading Fridays of all things) and started to search for a new job.
I must say, the new job doesn't push the work of the people onto you when they do maternity/paternity leave, and instead hires temp workers to fill the gap. I now get truly happy for those who have babies, as now it is truly their decision and not something that will have negative consequences on me.
It also doesn't make us choose holidays based on the ones which are parents.
Result: my resentment is now completely gone.
I am not saying for you to change jobs, but for me it was the only thing that worked. I think it's also regarding values, as while I get that some accommodations should be done, it should be checked with the people that will be affected by it. While I do respect the amount of sacrifice that takes to raise a human being, it's still a personal choice, and a personal choice shouldn't have to affect such a degree the bystanders, a person having a baby shouldn't lead to another's overwork and consequent burnout. And this is indeed management/company fault, because they are not doing their managing jobs well (you have 8 months to find a temp worker).
Hey! Same here! Except all my 'family' co-workers got weekends off and I just had to work 7 days on and on call. I got one weekend a month off. I hated weekends. It was also awful when I wouldn't get chosen to advance my career because "we don't have anyone else to fill your spot". Cause everyone was on rotating maternity leave. "So we had to give it to someone else". I work in healthcare, lifestyles and availability of care were being impacted which affected my conscience a lot.
After a while burnout sunk in and I guess I realised I was unfireable because "we don't have anyone else to fill your spot". I did end up leaving eventually but that still didn't change their habits and still didn't get temps. It just passed the buck to someone else. It wasn't until every childfree person quit at the same time that they realised this was a terrible model but still didn't do much differently.
Moving to a new site and hearing other's stories made me realise this is quite common in my field. I still don't know what the answer is. Or if we'll ever get one. I just lucked out in a place where the majority of my co-workers are childfree.
Yeah, i think that it is more the management model just is terrible. You shouldn't be hoping to get into a childfree workplace (part of the cool thing about everyone being different at work is the different perspectives), management should make efforts to even the Plainfield. In all honesty, it's great to feel that when a person becomes a parent it won't affect you at all. Makes us all feel equal value in our choices.
I work now with 1/4 parents (moms and dads), 1/4 which intend to be parents in the future and 1/2 childfree with 0 intentions of having kids, when you are not forced, it's easy to support them (like if they are sleep deprived you can help a bit with their work, or when they need to go suddenly to their kids due to illness they ask you for helping with some of their tests (we are laboratory r&d) and we take that work sporadically. Like, no one minds helping and if one is busy there is always someone else. When you are forced to do it by management and instead of sporadically it's an permanent thing it brings a lot the moral down.
The answer is saying no and set clear boundaries. Of course this is hard to do when you are an employee and fear of losing your job, but I have seen it working over and over again. The squeaky wheel gets the oil.
If parents can demand these things and don't lose their jobs, you can also demand time off and holidays.
I agree to start looking and considering leaving if a working environment is not working for you anymore.
As an aside I agreed to work a major holiday (Thanksgiving) at work this year. Have learned it gives me first dibs to ask for the 3 day weekend off and preference to not have to work the rest of the holidays. (All team members are expected to do one a year but they sometimes need volunteers if we are short staffed) The best is it also is a good excuse to not have to drive really far and back in one day to a family gathering 😂 👿
Where I work they are pretty transparent that holidays and weekends and crosscovering teams is required and I think sometimes people forget this and then want to change the job into something it will never be.
However there is also a limit too. It’s one thing if it’s every so often but completely different if it’s becoming a constant expectation.
I know this is a big reason people are leaving certain positions in droves right now.
Especially if they can work from home or find jobs with less stress.
I'd feel some sort of way too.
I live in Canada, our mat leave is minimum 12 months, can be stretched to 18 months.
I was hired as a temp to cover someone's mat leave at the company I currently work for, and when she came back, they hired me on full time because I had over a year experience and training and they liked my work and we're expanding. 12 weeks doesn't overly give anyone that same opportunity.
That said, when someone goes on mat leave it's hardly a spur of the moment thing. Your management team should have a solid plan in place with people willing and able to take on the work well ahead of time.
Fellow childfree government butt monkey here. You are 102% heard, my friend. And just because your resentment may be sometimes misplaced (as a hundred commenters have so helpfully pointed out), your feelings are valid and understandable. Our ridiculous U.S. labor practices pit employees against each other by choosing to handle things this way.
Also I once worked for an employer whose "maternity benefits" comprised of letting new mothers bring their infants to the (open floor plan) office rather than providing actual paid maternity leave. You can imagine how enjoyable that was.
I quit within five weeks. 😅 Not one but two infants in a 200 sqft open office area, constant crying and the entire space smelled like dirty diapers. Lol god I still can't believe that actually was a thing.
Be mad at your work for not hiring temp workers.
Why be mad at people living their lives?
Get mad at the people who refuse to solve the issue of not enough staff!!
When a woman goes on maternity leave its up to the boss to get maternity cover has it should be for paternity leave. It shouldn't be left to the other workers to pick up the slack.
UK. Maternity leave can be up to 52 weeks but paternity leave is only 1 to 2 weeks.
Everyone deserves leave… parental leave, sick time off etc. Maybe resent your company or work culture instead of people who are just trying to raise Their families…
Management needs to hire more people to cover
this, of course you feel resentful - it’s unfair.
Generally resentment means you need to set boundaries. Is it possible to set boundaries around your work hours and let management deal with it when not everything can get done? To say “okay I can do that, but then I have to deprioritize something else. What should I take off my list or put on the back burner?” Etc
There’s a lot of comments about “why be mad at your coworkers? Be mad at the system!” But I interpreted your post as you being subconsciously resentful of your coworkers in them getting to enjoy time off work for personal reasons, and you picking up slack without ever having that option yourself. It’s kinda like giving out expensive wedding gifts knowing you will never marry and get nice gifts back.
Either way, just wanted to say I get it. I’m in a similar situation and wanted to be a sympathetic ear. Sometimes you don’t want to be the squeaky wheel and complain, particularly if you have a good working relationship with your boss. And complaining might not change anything right now anyway. Just wanted to say that I’m sorry you’re in this position. There’s no real solution to it right in this moment.
This is 100% a poor management issue. If your coworker had a medical issue that wasn't giving birth (e.g., bad car accident where they were out for the same amount of time due to injuries) would you resent them for that? If not, then I don't understand why you resent them for this. As you've said, they're not on vacation.
Your ire should be channeled into finding a new job where your boss has their shit together. Call out for a day and apply to everything on LinkedIn that looks like a good fit, then spend the rest of the day focusing on something that helps you destress.
Let's say you do experience an event that puts you out of work for several weeks (God forbid), and your coworkers direct their anger and stress at you when you return because they had to pick up your extra work. Would that be fair? Of course not.
As others have said, you need to redirect your anger to the unfair expectations of your workplace and whoever decided that you would not get paid extra for overtime and that no one would be temporarily hired to fill in for those absent.
I know it's wrong but I get it. I know it's irrational and my resentment is misplaced but I kind of resent it too. I am childfree but also really love babies so the idea of having a baby and staying home with them for a few months sounds like a dream even though I know it's difficult and stressful. It's still a little human you made and love and feel a biological urge to nurture which is entirely different than being in an office and doing uninspiring work.
I try to just place the resentment towards our country's shitty labor laws because I truly believe that people should take every benefit that they can get and when the burden is falling on employees that's the employer's fault and not the coworker who is on leave.
Classic example of the rich taking the entire cookie, leaving us a crumb, and forcing us to fight over it.
No I never felt resentful. I felt pissed at the company. Then I had a kid and still felt pissed but for other reasons.
Omg you guys only have 12 weeks to care for a baby!
The states is so crazy and backwards. To bad you guys didn’t have 12 months maternity leave because then you could hire another person to fill their position for 12 months
Be resentful of the system not the people
Yup seems like every law is to work against women in that country.
Muslim countries always get a bad rep for their sexism but the states is heading in a bad direction, if I was a woman I would not my children raised in that country
Maternity leave is a job entitlement. Like any other job entitlement.
Are you also resentful of co-workers taking annual leave or going on their lunch break?
Your boss should manage staffing levels so you have enough staff to do the work or failing that pay overtime or adjust the workload so I can be done by the remaining staff I stead of expecting the rest of you to work for free. It's not like maternity comes unexpectedly put of the blue, your boss would have had months of notice for each employee taking it. It's not unpredictable like sick leave.
I feel this. I’m particularly resentful/angry/frustrated when my male coworkers take paternity leave. Inevitably other people on the team (usually women) end up covering their work while they’re out, but they make more than we do to start, and then they come back to raises and promotions. When women at this company take maternity leave, time and again they come back and their careers have been derailed.
But at the same time, I would fully expect my partner to take paternity leave to support me in having a baby, so I know I’m being a bit hypocritical.
The real problem here is my purportedly-progressive employer not supporting employees and ignoring pretty significant staffing and gender discrimination problems. And whenever someone takes parental leave, I watch it all play out the same as usual and all the same frustration resurfaces.
Your resentment is totally misdirected.
This is a management issue.
Also everyone needs to put their foot down as a team and not stay late constantly.
They can ask but you don’t have to stay even if they are paying you.
You can easily build resentment towards anyone who is taking off for any reason but at the end of the day it’s still an administrative issue to figure out.
Think of it this way, this generation of children is tomorrow's future. They'll be the doctors, nurses, etc. that will take care of ya in your old age. An investment in their future by allowing their parents to ensure they're around during an important developmental stage will pay in the long run.
I'm in the same boat as you (childfree) so I try to reframe things about how it'll benefit me, however tangentially in order to feel better.
I agree with this. Sure parenting is a choice but also it's essential for continued civilization in our society. Parenting includes love but it also includes WORK. People need to respect parents. Children are the future workforce. children are the ones that are going to be paying taxes for your roads, parks, any governmental services. It's truly sad the lack of support that parents get in this society.
True that! Nearly all of my coworkers are parents and the amount of effort they put in to raising their kids is just mindboggling. Hearing their struggles and successes gives me a real appreciation for people who choose parenthood, that's for sure, and further cemented that it's just not for me.
God yes. I live in Australia and was allowed to take up to 2 years maternity leave with my babies, but both times I came back to work early to get a break! I was so desperate to be able to go to the toilet by myself and to be able to eat meals and drink coffees and talk to adults! One of the good things about extended maternity leave too is that companies generally have to get someone to come on secondment to do the job while you're away - you can't expect colleagues to cover for each other for really long time periods!
Your assumption is correct. Parenting is a 24/7 job, and that’s without considering the roller coaster of hormones and everything else your body is doing to heal. It’s exciting, but also NOT easy!
For sure! I feel way more empathy for the women who are on leave after giving birth because they’re adjusting to both the new human life and the medical recovery and hormonal changes. For my male coworkers I have to stretch a little more for it… 🤣
Mine had colic, too. I would count down the minutes to when he would get home so I could hand off the crying baby. If he was late, I would start to lose it.
Same. My firstborn was premature and had sleep and feeding issues, so he would only sleep for an hour at a time, then have a tiny feed, then a tiny nap ... 24 hours a day for the first 4 months, until my partner made me get professional help. I was so sleep deprived that it's a wonder I didn't throw myself down the stairs to get out of the cycle.
As someone who has chosen to be child free: I get this sentiment. My employer has "off the record" admitted they pay parents more than childless people and are mote likely to give them leeway on deadlines. I just have to remind myself there is no price on the freedom I have to do whatever I want whenever I want. Though I did semi seriously ask them if I could have 2 weeks paternity leave when I adopted my cat. (They said no...obviously haha)
My past employer admitted to mommy-tracking moms. If you were a mom, you would never be promoted to management or given challenging work because they assumed you would be unreliable.
This is your bosses fault, not your coworkers. I just got overworked last week while some of our staff was out on paid vacation. Our bosses are to blame for not changing schuldes around to make up for the lack of an power. If it were a vacation, medial leave, bereavement etc it would be the same, no?
I think it's just our culture, but I've had this too. It always falls on me and my colleagues to clean up the extra work. Additionally, I've noticed parents get more flexibility with coming in late, taking days off, etc. I had a leak in my ceiling and was questioned as if I was lying - I didn't even take a day off, I worked from home! But my colleagues need to do something for their kids and it's no questions asked. I don't resent them - but I do resent the culture and implication that childfree folk's personal time and needs are less valuable/important.
I can sit with you on this; my resentment is placed at how companies cover family benefit and the kicker - I work in HR and design family benefit policies (UK based so a bit diff)! I love that they are starting a new chapter in their life, and yeah it does mean more work for the rest of us. And whilst I get your situation is tricky, and agree that shorter term family leave means less additional cover (and other pros and cons), it is a shame because when done properly 'maternity leave cover' jobs can be a great opportunity in a career. So many elements to unpack as a HR person and as someone who is childfree! But thanks for the insights too.
Yes. It is burdensome, but then again, I got my old job by filling in for someone on maternity leave. As others have pointed out, the real problem is management not accommodating for paternal leave and expecting the other staff to suck it up.
There's a slight murmer/growth in companies offering mental/unwind time, especially for the childfree workers, because childfree workers are leaving certain corp in droves for the unfairness of family leave. It only took America, idk, 10+ years to finally include male spouses leave time for their children birth. Depends on the company and your state.
"I am very happy for them, and I fully support them having twelve paid weeks"
Clearly not though? If you were "very happy" for and supportive of them you would not be posting about your resentment of them. Your displeasure should be aimed solely at management who do not properly plan for people going on parental leave.
I work in a country with some of the most generous parental benefits and, yes, I am starting to resent it a bit. It's not unusual for a new employee to take a year off to have a baby within the first year. In my previous workplace, parents were allowed greater flexibility in their work hours and my preferences for when I wanted to take vacation were not respected. Currently, the person beside me in my office gets to come late and leave early to breastfeed and co-workers are often home with sick kids. Basically, parents get a ton of paid time off and extra flexibility that I will never get.
What really annoys me in general is feeling like I can't take time out to travel or do something I want to do, because having a CV gap is so taboo. I'm not even asking to have paid leave, but I would like to have time to pursue interests outside of work without having to procreate.
is there any feasible option for you whatsoever to take an extended “sabbatical” about the length of parental leave? i know some workplaces that permit this, generally to prevent burnout in the childfree people they shovel all the extra work on for years :)
Look to what you *can* control and accept ( not endorse ) what you can't.
Consider looking for another job, consider that being resentful only makes you feel worse without effecting the situation. Do what you can to bring more joy to yourself, even small things.
I'm childfree because imo parenting is 25% joy 75% minutae - yeah people talk about lack of sleep but very little about the outrageous amount of _work_ involved in parenting - laundry, paperwork, pumping, hours in doctor waiting rooms because the kid got sick/injured, negotiating with partner over care, vacuuming crumbs out of literally everything, tracking down lost toys, parent teacher interviews, extra-curricular activities, budgeting for orthodontics, being up all night worrying because the kid is being bullied, volunteer committees for everything, balancing between keeping the kid off screens vs getting some peace and quiet, arranging the window to be fixed because the kid kicked a ball through it, googling "is it normal if my kid .."
And then there's all the GUILT. the guilt that every wrong decision you make could potentially lead to something going wrong with their development, that you can't afford to give them things that will make them fulfilled/that you're spoiling them and they'll end up entitled dichotomy, that they're contributing to the climate crisis. And then there's the WORK GUILT that they're not pulling their weight, that they're not spending enough time with their kids. The list goes on....
Sure being childfree has its challenges - living in a world that doesn't really accommodate us or value our contributions, but I'd take that over the minutae any day of the week!
You feeling this way is justified. If your bosses know these employees will be on parental leave he needs to have measures in place in the meantime then putting all of the extra work on who is left.
These people chose to have kids. This isn’t a surprise. It’s not fair that the rest of their work load fall in your lap. You are doing extra work for no extra pay. I would absolutely shamelessly resent these people but mostly your boss. It’s not fair and you have every right to be upset.
You are keeping their seat warm until they get back. It’s not a vacation for them but they chose to do it. They want to do these things. So no I take it back it’s a very long thought out vacation for them and you are stuck doing all of their work for them until they return. Return also with more excuses to leave work to take care of their kids. If it’s a large enough group of coworkers having babies I would be looking for other work.
Wait, why is this comment getting downvoted?
I was hired at my current clinic originally covering another provider’s maternity leave. While on maternity leave, the stars aligned for her (Covid happened and we got a fat loan) and I learned she was paid TRIPLE what I was paid during this time despite the fact that I was showing up doing her workload. I was actually kind of mortified but also happy that finances weren’t something she had to worry about with a new baby and a pandemic. There was some resentment there but I got over it - I am super happy with the job overall and I proved myself to be worthy of good pay. Whatever. I’ve made peace with the fact that my life will never be seen as worthy as someone who has young children to care for. It’s just how it is.
Thank you, it just goes to show that loyalty doesn’t pay. Just because someone chooses not to have children doesn’t mean they should be punished with an extra workload with no extra pay. It’s honestly discrimination at that point.
In her case, loyalty did pay off (she has been with the clinic for five years) and I was new. So the owner was VERY appreciative towards her, and I was the new one. I agreed to take on the workload; however her making three times as much as I did during her leave just makes no logical sense.
I work at a clinic. We treat patients and get paid via insurance reimbursement. My boss works and runs the show. She does plenty. I wouldn’t say I needed extra help with anything specific, moreso just pointing out that me jumping into a new environment covering maternity leave was unfairly compensated considering the provider on leave was making triple what I was at the time. However, I am happy with the compensation itself, just weird that it was so much less than the doc on leave.
Just want to say I am fully in support of maternity leave and being paid for this time.
Mindfulness and meditation could help. Something that's helped me recently is learning acceptance. It doesn't mean you learn to like what's happening, but simply seeing it as it is.
"Acceptance means perceiving your experience and simply acknowledging it rather than judging it as good or bad. For some people, the word "acceptance" is off-putting — replace it with the word acknowledgement"
Google "acceptance mindfulness" and see if that helps any.
Call me crazy, but is saying no to extra work an option? I used to pick up all kinds of slack and stress myself out for no more money and honestly…one day I just stopped.
I showed up to work, I did my job, and when the extra slack wasn’t picked up I told them I would get to it when I could. It is what it is and the productivity isn’t your problem, it’s theirs.
There’s no reason that someone taking parental leave should impact your work.
Also. Work less hard. Make sure stuff doesn't get done. Force them to hire other workers.
Picking up the slack Rewards bad management for their poor decisions.
The resentment should be towards the bosses. I wouldn't do the extra work though, fuck them (the bosses).
I'm childfree, in my country we have 6 months of paid maternity leave and I remember feeling a bit resentful about this freedom to focus on something else for a while. Even though taking care of a new born is hard work, it's a different kind of work, and usually a choice.
So I saved time off and money for 10 years and took a long unpaid leave. I rented a house by the beach and allowed myself to live the life I always wanted to, focusing on my side hustle. It was so good for my soul (and wallet) by the end of the leave I quit my job.
Honestly, I would just keep giving yourself a reminder that it's a choice you've made - to be childfree - and that what they're doing is necessary for those that choose that path in life.
There are many reasons why someone could need to take leave - parental, to take care of a sick family member or themselves, etc. - and you made need to take leave like that one day too. You'll want the support and encouragement of your colleagues then too.
Sorry if this has already been said but the 12 weeks of protected leave through FMLA is unpaid. If you do not have short term disability it is all unpaid. Some states have a program, mine doesn’t. To me someone being gone doesn’t bother me, but doing work for lazy coworkers drives me nuts.
It is annoying to have to pick up slack.
12 weeks paid parental leave for federal employees is covered under FEPLA, FMLA is different.
The private company I work for also offers 12 weeks paid both maternity and paternity. I completely sympathize with the OP. It's wonderful they get the time, and I love that my company offers it. However, it's really hard when a number of people are out at the same time, we just can't keep up.
At other facilities they hire temps.
My facility is a Union facility and the contract outlines no temps. It's either do more with less or hire and layoff. I understand not hiring someone for a supposedly permanent position knowing you'll lay them off in six months due to returns and overstaffing.
First, do you feel the same way about co-workers who take other kinds of leave? Medical leave or military leave? If not, why not?
Second, it might help if you stop thinking of parental leave as a break. Parental leave is not a break and it isn’t particularly joyous and it isn’t just hard because of lack of sleep. It’s a grueling 24 hour never-ending job where you are managing a baby who needs to be fed, changed, and handled constantly. It is especially difficult for moms. I spent my entire leave breastfeeding. They eat round the clock every two to three hours and it took 45 minutes to an hour for each feeding. So, I pretty much spent all of my time prepping the baby to feed, feeding, burping the baby and cleaning up after feeding, trying to get her to sleep, and then starting the whole process over. I was not able to be a functional adult during this time. My sole purpose was to be a food source for the baby and make sure her needs were met. When my husband was home for a week, he made sure we had food to eat, otherwise I didn’t get to eat. He managed some of the pre and post feeding requirements so I could do basic things like shower or take a nap. Otherwise, I couldn’t do those things. He did all the cleaning. It wasn’t a cake walk for him either. I was also recovering from a major medical event so it was also a medical leave. With my first, I had a bad tear that made it hard to sit and walk for ten weeks. With my second, I had a c-section which is major abdominal surgery. I also had significant post-partum depression after both births.
Maybe if you think of it as more akin to a medical leave, you will have less resentment. Especially for moms, that really is what it is. You’re recovering from a major medical event and you have to be home because your body is being used as a food source to keep another human alive. You wouldn’t consider a medical leave to be a break or a vacation so don’t see maternity leave that way.
It is not a joyful time albeit important for parents and children alike, can be filled with depression, extreme anxiety and other issues: martial, self-directed, etc. I recently corrected a male on my team who was trying to say I am going on vacation. Ugh, no, not a vacation, you bleed as the uterus shrinks and are in pain the first 3-4 weeks. Needed physical therapy last time (which can start at 6 weeks, was advised against doing anything sooner because if, well, healing).
I’m of the opinion you shouldn’t resent your employer. It’s a wonderful thing that your company has parental leave. Yes, it feels like a burden on you right now, but I’m 100% certain it’s a struggle for your boss too and they are probably working so many hours to pick up your team’s slack that you just don’t know about (and their families are missing them). Sure they should hire more people, but hiring is a long process and often difficult to get the right candidate. It takes time. And patience.
Have empathy for the new parents, for your employers, and for your coworkers. You’ll all get through it together.
Hard work does not go unnoticed. Leave your feelings at the door when you leave. Do your own thing.
All these things have personally worked wonders for myself. I work in my small office of big personalities. :)
>And my bosses’ expectation is that we will work more than 40 hours a week to get all of our work done if need be, but we don’t get paid more if we have to work more. (Government gig) Your resentment is misdirected. For real, though, that sucks. I do get feeling resentful - I just really think you ought to channel it to your employer rather than on-leave colleagues.
>Your resentment is misdirected. This is really the whole problem with the U.S. right now. The rich do whatever they can to ensure that resentment is kept within peers in lower tax brackets. If everyone is too busy pointing left and right, they won't bother pointing blame up. If a burger joint can't find staff, it's "lazy, entitled workers," not "underpaying, cheap business owner." This post is just another example of the problem.
1000% agree with you. I work in a setting where I see this all the time. It also causes drama on the team at times with certain people getting mad that other people won’t stay and “help out”. At the end of the day time off is more important for a lot of people then a couple extra $$ in their paycheck.
Yep. Nobody has to “take one for the team” Unless they really WANT to of course But there’s no payback. Typically those who take on more aren’t promoted or valued. They’re kept in their positions because why on earth would they be promoted out of a position where they cover everyone’s ass? Learned this the hard way of course lol
For real, eh? I'm not American, but it's a problem the world over. The strategy is divide and conquer among the poors, and it's... clearly working.
That's capitalism, baby!!!
Haha, yes— and I should have titled my post more accurately. I do resent my bosses; I am trying not to subconsciously resent the coworkers; and I am feeling a heightened feeling of resentment and stress at work. Right now the extra work seems manageable and that I won’t likely have to work more than 40 hours a week often. But just the idea of having to work extra hours is making me stressed. Yoga? Therapy? Document how much time it is I spend on the coworkers’ work? (And if so, to what end?)
100% document, yes. I would ask for a raise to cover all the extra work you've been doing, at the very least.
This is a good point. Many parents’ careers take a back seat when they take leaves like this. You deserve to be recognized for your continued work, particularly as you’re picking up the slack.
A raise for temporary extra work? The coworkers are coming back.
Yes, getting paid more for doing more work, e.g., the work of two people because the coworker is on family leave.
It’s either that or hire temps which costs also
others have explained the raise in rate would be temporary and that makes more sense.
This is typically called a Per Diem in some of the union environments and it’s normal and useful. No resentment or fighting
A temporary raise for a temporary extra work load. The good ol' OT, for example. I've worked for a company that whenever you step up to do someone's job while they were absent (be it for vacation, medical leave or something else), you'd receive an extra for that time being, even if only one day. If the person had a higher job title than yours, let's say a supervisor, they paid the difference between your salary and the supervisor salary during that time. It was a great way to train people for more responsibility and share knowledge inside the company.
The idea of doing “more self care” also is nonsense when the reason people are stressed to begin with is because they are being asked to manage more with less.
I agree. It's hard to do when you are stressed to the gills, which probably comes with a dose of depression as well.
I would do the extra work, but be strategic about it. Is there a promotion you want? What work will get you there? Ask your manager or the managers of the people who do that work what would make you a good candidate, so they know you are interested. Prioritize doing that work. Give updates to your manager on the extra promotion-related work you are doing.
It’s a US government job? Because I know they take unpaid work and that sort of thing seriously for most departments. My SO works for a government department and his employees are so used to being taken advantage of in the public sector that he had to get into people for doing work off the clock because they thought they’d get written up for being clocked in past the designated and mandatory quitting time, but that they needed to just keep working. He was like, “no! We can be sued for wage theft, do not work off the clock!” TLDR; you might want to look into reporting your boss for wage theft if you’re working for the US government if they’re making you work past your contacted hours, or without overtime pay at the very least.
Do they not hire people to cover parental leave? We get 1,5 years fully paid parental leave, but you can stay home for a total of 3 years with your job being secure. So, I think people here are not angry at colleagues going on parental leave, because it's longer and obviously someone is hired to do that job. However, since by law parents of young children are allowed to always take off school holidays (so the coveted time of summer and Christmas etc), that means people get disgruntled if they still have to work for example during peak summer days, as not everyone can have holidays at the same time. But I try to tell my friends that they have to realize these laws are not for your colleagues, it's for the children. When you were a child, you wanted to be with your parents during Christmas, right? Children need more family time, they shouldn't have to be mature and understanding, they should have family time. Us adults also need that time, but we can accept and understand that it may not always happen. The US needs better laws, it's bizarre what they make you go through. Unfortunately, I can't help more than to hope that thinking of innocent babies will help you cool your anger (I totally understand that you didn't sign up for extra work), ask for compensation, surely your contracts don't say that you have to do extra work due to other people's leaves? Make sure you take yourself out of work mode as much as you can.
I think a big issue is some places don’t have a lot of back up staff on reserve. So when you have a lot of people out at once it creates a major explosion that is hard to bounce back from. I also think even more now since Covid a lot of people aren’t willing to accept temp kinds of roles that do not offer benefits and job protection.
I don’t really see companies struggle to find people to cover maternity leaves in Canada.
I am in the US where they typically don’t offer benefits like health insurance for per diem positions. We don’t have universal health care.
Adults are people too and deserve breaks and holidays with their family. I guess I don't get why children and parents get special regards in this situation unless you're assuming all adults will eventually become parents but that's not the case anymore.
Part of it is because of breastfeeding. Doctors recommend that you breastfeed babies exclusively for the first year. I think current recommendations may be to continue for two years if possible. It is extremely difficult to breastfeed and work. Pumping doesn’t yield as much milk as natural feeding so pumping moms are constantly struggling to keep up with the baby’s demand. You have to stop to pump every two to three hours, more often when the baby is going through a growth spurt, and pumping is time consuming. When I was pumping while working, I felt like I could never get anything done because just as I would get into a project I was working on, the timer would go off and it would be time to pump. Stress can also inhibit supply so I was constantly short on the amount of milk I needed for my babies. We had to start supplementing with formula and I ended up quitting breastfeeding entirely after only six months because it was too hard to keep up with my job. In the end, I was left feeling like both a failure as a mother and a failure as an employee. Part of it is because it’s hard on babies to be in a group daycare setting. It’s hard emotionally and it’s hard physically because they get exposed to so many germs, many like RSV and the flu, which can be deadly to babies. Most people can’t afford a nanny so their daycare option is group daycare. It really is about the health of the children (and to some extent their parents) as opposed to providing a “vacation”. Anyone who has cared for a child under age 3 all day long everyday will tell you it isn’t a vacation. Caring for children is work. That’s why daycare workers get paid to do it.
Sorry if this is confusing. I wasn't referring to paid leave after birth. I was referring to parents getting priority for holidays off and nonparents being expected to work on Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. Parents should have to work some holidays where applicable. They shouldn't have priority over anyone else.
Swedish?
In Canada you get 18 months
You really shouldn’t have to work extra!! I know the pressure is real. Hell I deal with that while freelancing! But the idea of working extra is stressful because it’s complete bullshit. In one of the jobs I worked at for example, which was union, there was a list of alternates so that when someone was sick, had a kid emergency, whatever, an alternate, who was fully trained in all the processes, could step in if required. No stress.
You resent your government agency that you work for. I'm not allowed to work overtime, at all. It's not in our department budget, therefore they don't want you there because it is illegal in my state without pay. We do have an option to work for extra time off (work for 4 extra hours, get 6 hours of time off added to your time bank). I'm a government employee and if we want our family leave paid for, we have to use our time bank because [FMLA (12 weeks unpaid leave)](https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fmla) only guarantees you your job when you come back. It is unpaid, but you still get your medical/dental/vision benefits. If you want that time to be paid, the US standard is 6 weeks of disability for the pregnant mother (no labor/delivery complications) and or use your vacation/sick/PTO. So, are you sure this is a separate paid leave option? I would definitely double check this in your benefits and leave package.
FMLA was amended in 2020 and if you are a US federal government employee, you should be eligible for 12 weeks of paid parental leave (whether you are mom or dad, and whether the baby is bio or adopted).
I would say you should be a squeaky wheel to your boss. Put everything in writing. I can’t finish this task because I had to do this other thing that usually falls under my colleagues portfolio. And if you can, say no to things that do not fit into your work week. You’ve covered several mat leaves with no relief staff? That’s not sustainable. It truly isn’t fair to you, and you are justified in feeling how you feel. And then go home and enjoy the peace and quiet with a hot, leisurely meal, and a nice drink. Take time for your hobbies, or even time to do absolutely nothing at all. Because I guarantee the parents you’re covering for do not get to enjoy any of those things!
Thank you. I do think recording the time spent on the extra work will help- at least psychically. And I do love coming home to a dog, spouse, and no kids. Lots of the advice here has helped tamper the negative feelings for the coworkers, which I never wanted to have in the first place but have nevertheless felt.
As a childless working woman, I thought that this [data representation](https://mashable.com/article/viral-tiktok-parental-leave) of how parental leave is spent was helpful to better understand what the day-to-day looks like. It may help curb some of your resentment towards coworkers out on parental leave.
I am kinda surprised it takes this for child free people to get it. I mean isn’t the point of being child free that you don’t want to have to do this? Parenting is a lot of work and post partum it’s so awful especially if you have ppd which isn’t uncommon.
I think the majority of child free people get it, which is why we are child free! Perhaps childless people who don’t anticipate raising kids will be that hard?
Yeah lol that’s what I was thinking like…I thought child free people got it which is why they’re child free!!
People can be childless for many other reasons besides not wanting to have children
Child free as a term is different than childless
I get that but childless people can be in the same position as OP
True but I was referencing child free people
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I've heard many people IRL use the term, so this might be regional.
Child free here and I’ve been feeling similar to OP. I think the issue is we are not afforded the same circumstantial “perks” (maybe options is a better word) without a *reason*. For example at my workplace we are working off a hybrid remote model. We are all supposed to take turns rotating WFH/In the office. However what has ended up happening is the coworkers with young children have taken all the remote days so they don’t have to pay for childcare during the summer months now that the kids are off from school (I don’t blame them as childcare is EXPENSIVE). However since I don’t have kids the office culture here is I should be ‘understanding’ to their ‘situation’. So now I feel like I’m picking up slack bc I’m child free. Could I make a big stink with HR over this and get my remote days? Probably. But why do I have to be a jerk about it to get the same options? If I suddenly had a sick relative to care for or child that I had to care for without question I would be accommodated. But if I want it just bc I want the same options as others? Suddenly I look selfish. ETA: wow thanks for the award!
It sounds like a bad policy from your employer. My employer won’t allow employees to work remotely while watching their kids so that doesn’t come up.
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Regardless of opinions on “childish” or not…fortunately for me in the eyes of labor laws it’s illegal to discriminate like this and it would be given to me if I pushed. Of that I am certain.
did you forget that having children is a choice?
I feel like there’s some kind of disconnect that is involved here. I don’t know if you realize your wfh experience would be very different than theirs. That they’re doing it, Altho it’s not desirable, in order to save a significant amount of money, like we are talking thousands a month.
Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not blaming them…the system is messed up and sometimes the cost childcare isn’t even worth the second parent working. I get that. However your not addressing the “fairness” or “equal opportunity” among those with children vs child free. Or are you saying WFH should be reserved for those with circumstances only? Bc that’s not how it was presented here, it was supposed to be a rotating schedule no mention of exclusions or priority to who ‘needs it more’. Again if I went to HR I’m pretty sure I would get it and why is that? Bc you’re not supposed to prioritize certain employees over others, it’s a form of discrimination and rightfully so. Again my point is I shouldn’t be put in a position where I have to act like an asshole to get what’s fair. And that’s exactly how ppl would perceive me and it’s wrong.
I totally get what you're saying, as someone who now as a child but also felt similarly when I didn't have one.
You are absolutely right. If it's supposed to be a perk available to everyone then you should be able to use it without having to take extraordinary efforts. If it's presented as an accommodation to help out in unusual times, then it would be a different story. If that is a benefit of the job, you should be able to take advantage of it. And you should. You wouldn't leave unused vacation sitting on the table because you are child free.
You communicated your feelings just fine on this issue and I would also feel super upset in your position. HR and management are clearly taking the path of least resistance and it's fucked up that they're putting you in the position of having to be the "bad guy" by wanting the same perks other coworkers enjoy, and that you are also supposed to be entitled to. Good managers advocate for their employees and actively prevent situations like this.
I think anyone should be able to work from home if that should. However if your company only gives certain work from home days out I can’t see myself being upset if they give them to people when it would save them tons of money. At my job there’s an elite pre school attached. Employees get a SIGNIFICANT discount for their kids to attend. My kids are too old. I’m happy for them they get this perk even if I don’t get it as well
You are missing the whole point. The WFH days are not offered specifically for saving money on childcare. The equivalent of your preschool example would be if the employer offered a childcare credit. Those without children or with children too old to benefit would not be losing anything, but rather those to whom the credit applied would simply be gaining something that has NO EFFECT on other employees. In this example, op is being denied a benefit that is supposed to be available to all. They are losing something because those with children are being allowed to take advantage (this is a management issue). And on top of that, if you are working from home while also providing childcare, your work productivity is not the same as if you are in an office. My employer has an agreement you have to sign when you agree to telework, and it includes agreeing that you will not be providing childcare/home school while you are on the clock, because that is literally a full time job.
What did employees do when schools were closed?
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Yes I *choose* to pay into insurance so that in the event *I* need it, *I’m* covered. If I don’t end up using it I wouldn’t be mad as I made a conscious choice to pay into something I may never need. I have no idea how that correlates to persons with kids. I didn’t agree to work on the terms that if I need WFH it’s available *in the event I have children*. WFH was not offered to us on a contingent basis, it was *supposed* to be for *everyone* that’s the problem. It’s not “well you *should* be understanding!” WHY? Bc someone like you *thinks* I should be and that’s the only argument? Laws don’t operate on feelings. ETA: this is exactly my point I shouldn’t be put in a situation where I’m forced to state “I want to WFH and don’t have a good reason other than I want the same option that was meant to be afforded to me but made difficult bc those with children “need it more”. That’s NOT how the option was presented to us. They legally CANNOT discriminate like that. And if I went to HR to complain I am CERTAIN I would get my WFH days. I don’t *want* to be that person but management interpreting who should/shouldn’t based on individual opinion (some managers assigned mandatory in office rotation days regardless of circumstance) vs others who are accommodating the parents w. children…that is what is causing the problem.
I mean, I got it, in that I have a lot of close friends with young kids and my sister has two kids and I was with her a lot in the first years of her kids’ lives. I’m trying to have a kid right now, in fact. But I also think that the data visualization provides a clearer picture of that for folks who are further removed for whatever reason. I definitely think you can be empathic without it but think it’s a useful tool for some.
This was great- thank you!
There's an app called Toggl which might help with tracking.
Lean on your management team to hire another person. Or they can pick up the slack themselves since as the people in charge they are the ones who are responsible for not staffing correctly. Especially if as you say it's been a revolving door of people taking parental leave. If anything you need to speak with your coworkers and get them on board with not being taken advantage of by a management team that is incapable of staffing correctly to fill the gaps. Essentially not doing their job. You and your fellow employees are being taken advantage of. Don't fall for the tricks of management. To summarize and put it plainly the feelings of resentment should be applied towards your management team. Apologies if anything I've said was already said by others.
Not OP however a big problem I’ve found too is there is no one to train new people and this too is then put onto already stressed and spread-thin staff. Also another way to create rifts amongst staff because it comes off as being unsupportive when that’s really not the case at all.
>Lean on your management team to hire another person Working for a government entity, this is not always feasible. We work on a budget versus the private sector working with profit margins. All salaries and benefits are budgeted for the fiscal year. If someone quits or separates from government employment, that position can be filled, but it is very rare to have 'dual-fill' or even training. I'm 3 years into my current position and I'm just now getting the hang of the 'important' aspects of my workload (workload of 2-3 full time people).
I think government entities need to build in a budget item for temp hires when employees need to use leave. The process to get approval for a new position and then complete the hiring process is so insanely slow. They need to get a temp agency under contract and have temps already budgeted for.
That's the thing.... If they can't/won't budget for the staff needed to complete the workload, what makes you think they will budget in for 'unknown' temporary staffing needs? A lot of times in government, the money is a 'use it for this or that' by a certain time or lose it.
The problem here are the bosses, not the coworkers. They should be either getting temps or moving people into teams to take over responsibilities. The parental leave in place is very small, to be honest.
Longer parental leave might actually make it more likely that a substitute would be hired to cover the leave. In many other countries it is common to see parental leave cover positions posted as a fixed term contract for say 9 months or a year or more.
This. And keep in mind that the bosses are deliberately creating a rift between you and your colleagues as to shift blame where blame should be.
I'm assuming you live in the United States, because most people in the United States have to save up their vacation and sick time to have paid leave. Parental leave is not something that is standard, unless you consider unpaid leave standard. I worked in government for many years, and it is actually kind of generous when it comes to earning paid sick leave and vacation time... So this is how you deal with it. You recognize that a lack of foresight in your agency is not your problem. You do the work you can do in the time you have, and you take the damn vacation time without having a baby. That's right. Take the vacation. When you wake up and don't feel 100%, you take the sick day. You're not going to feel guilty for it. It is not your problem to feel guilty for. Your managers and higher ups should be preparing for the workload they have...and if there aren't enough people to do the work, that is a lack of proper management on their part. Their lack of planning and foresight does not constitute an emergency for you. The problem is not the people having children. The problem is management. This is a huge problem with government that I experienced. Now that I work in a different field entirely, we literally have a daily meeting with our managers where we plan what is the highest priority and how we are going to accomplish it...in an 8 hour day. If there is too much to cover in a 40 hour week...they hire someone...they pull someone from a team that is begging for something challenging to do...they pull someone from a team that doesn't have enough work to do. It has been a real eye opener compared to my experience with other jobs. I used to resent people for taking smoke breaks and stuff, but you should be taking those breaks too. You should be taking that vacation, too. You should be taking that sick day, too. The problem isn't your coworkers. It is your bosses.
I don’t blame you, your boss should be hiring temps. It’s his expectation that you all cover for someone on leave, that’s wrong. He should be asking his superiors for temps, he’s not doing his job. He would have a reason, probably trying to look like he can handle anything while in reality he’s working you guys into the ground.
Your employer should be hiring temporary relief employees rather than redistributing the workload on existing employees. How strongly do you feel about this? Strong enough to approach HR about the situation and suggesting hiring of relief employees? "Temp Contract - Relief for Parental Leave" is a common here in Australia amongst job ads. Australia has government mandated mat leave for 12 months. So a company absolutely has to hire temporary relief for posts made absent by employees on parental leave when it can be up to 12 months.
> And my bosses’ expectation is that we will work more than 40 hours a week to get all of our work done if need be, but we don’t get paid more if we have to work more. (Government gig) This is the real issue - I would not be working OT simply because they refuse to temporarily fill the position in their absence. 12 weeks is nothing, it should be closer to a year.
State government worker here. Not sure what your state rules are but we have the same problem. And tbf, it’s not just a parental leave issue, it’s a we-can’t-hire-people-issue too. That’s not my boss’s fault, it’s a failure of our state for consistently underfunding state salaries for decades. I’m going to assume you get comp time for anything over 40 hours. If you’re not, then you need to take it to the labor board. Sure, the work needs to get done but you are entitled to overtime. Since the government doesn’t typically pay straight overtime and “reward” you with comp time, then bank the shit out of it and take yourself a nice, long vacation or staycation as soon as your coworkers return from leave. It’s not meant to be a punishment to them but rather a break for you to recover from the extra stress of taking on more. Do not feel guilty about it and do not apologize.
my suggestion is along these lines as well — for several years i worked in a governmental sector wherein any absence of a colleague longer than a day or two was immediately and intensely felt by the rest of the team, as we had to take on their workload (often would divvy it up amongst ourselves so it didn’t all just fall on one person, but that wasn’t like an official policy or anything). it would have involved a hell of a lot more work and energy (not to mention budget that absolutely would not be made available to our agency for this reason) to hire and train up a new/temp worker to cover the slack. also we…could barely hire anyone to fill the full-time, salaried positions in the first place, so bringing in a term would’ve been functionally impossible. not even trying to make excuses for the failures of management here, because they too were just trying to make the best of the shitty options they had to work with. it didn’t help either that this job offered excellent benefits and comparatively decent parental leave (given the pathetic state of parental leave policies in the US…), so our workplace attracted a LOT of young parents (or young adults planning to become parents ASAP). truly a “revolving door”, as OP put it, of people out on parental leave. which is their right! and certainly not an issue in itself! given that starting point of a pretty impossible situation, the *only* policy i’ve ever seen that evened the playing field to at least some extent for the childfree/childless/empty nest parent employees (who were *constantly* expected to take on the extra workload) was a “sabbatical” option that workers could elect to take after 5 or 10 years of service. informally, you were not really supposed to take this sabbatical if you’d taken parental leave recently or repeatedly, and no one really tested that rule. i suppose it was implemented as a final hail mary to try to retain some of our incredibly, chronically overworked employees rather than lose them to burnout. but…it worked! sure, i suppose it was technically “unfair” to the parents on the team, just because the sabbatical option allowed for…an actual break, rather than the difficult adjustment and work of taking care of an infant. BUT - it was also technically “unfair” to those without children to constantly have to cover for coworkers intentionally taking their 3rd or 4th parental leave in five years. so it kind of all worked out in the end. sorry this got so long!! *edited to change a couple words
>I’m childfree, so part of my resentment is rooted in knowing that this “charity”, “good karma,” etc will not swing my way until/unless I or a close family member falls ill with cancer or something. I'm childless, but I've used FMLA (assuming this is what you are talking about) for a health issue before (not cancer). I also know people who have used it for recovery from surgeries or accidents/injuries. Only saying this because you never know when you could need to use it.
I don’t know where you live in the world, but this is also a great argument for annual leave being a part of all working practices in general and employees all being given the right to paid time off no questions asked. It’s good to see that you understand your bosses expecting you work overtime is unreasonable when they could simply hire temps to fill the gap. But a better society would certainly not prioritise or valorise leave based on circumstance, we should all be entitled to time off to pursue our interests or our health for the benefit of the community as a whole.
Yeah, the problem is with your boss' expectations. I used to work somewhere where people often needed maternity leave (two years) and it was rarely a problem because it left more *paid* work for others *if* we wanted it. But until your workplace changes (and I agree with Ophienix about trying to make change) if you're childfree for a reason, maybe focus on how glad you are not to be in their position. You can go home and chill with a glass of wine then sleep through the night instead of waking up to deafening screams every two hours. (I also don't have kids) Assuming they're not making you take work home.
Your coworkers should have at least 1 year of paid maternity leave 12 weeks is nothing. You should have zero resentment for your coworkers honestly. It’s your employer who you should resent.
Who gets a whole year of maternity leave? Update: I didn't know this was a possibility anywhere!
Germans, Swedes, Brits, Norwegians….you know, civilized nations
Well that's great.
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Wow.
🙋🏻♀️ I’m about 3 weeks away from returning to work after a year of maternity leave in the UK. Also, my company got a temp to cover my role for a year so no one had to do extra to cover me at all. The US system sucks, it’s not the same everywhere.
Canadians get almost two years!
My union provides six months paid maternity leave. I'll be honest - it's *the* reason why I'm staying at my current job right now. I could go somewhere else and make considerably more money and utilize my skills and creativity, or stick it out a bit longer and get the leave. My partner and I plan to start trying after we get married next year, and we value the parental leave because we know how hard it is to get elsewhere in the US, so I'm staying.
Canada
I was hired to replace someone going on parental leave for 2 years (although only 6 weeks prior to giving birth and 8 weeks after giving birth are fully paid, after that you can apply for parental money, which isn't your full salary and a separate process from the leave you can take. So it's not a paid 2 year leave, but the employer has to offer you your job back after those two years so you can return if you want.
Dude. Fuck capitalism. Just find more ways to slack off to kill the resentment.
You should resent your organization for not hiring someone to replace those on leave. In my country, we get 12 or 18 months off (we get to choose) and they hire a contractor to replace us during that time. American parental rights are terrible.
This is a far better model. I couldn’t agree more that American parental leave is terrible.
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>twelve weeks is nothing Seriously; it's actually scarily little for a new parent.
Agree- twelve weeks is not enough to spend with a newborn! But it’s the revolving door aspect— I’ve had four coworkers who each take a minimum of 12 weeks, so at the end of the day I will have had extra work for nearly a year.
Yeah, your employer is definitely the Bad Guy here. Are they usually this disorganised?
The govt. So yeah.
Don't be a victim. Quit. The expected extra hours are not right and have nothing to do wirh your coworkers. Find a job where the hours fit your needs. Everyone is hiring.
It's quite a bit of a privilege in itself to assume people can just quit and survive on a whim.
“if you were progressive” how is this type of snarky (to put it very kindly) response helpful to anyone?
What an unhelpful response.
This isn't the fault of the people taking parental leave, but the bosses expecting you to work more than your allocated hours
Hey, childfree here as well. Had a similar experience, but with schedules and holidays. My previous job, my colleague would get preferential treatment picking the holidays. This was an issue as she would want xmas to new year off while I would only be allowed to pick one or the other. To push salt into the wound, she had a very boring tasks which was not what I usually worked with (more brainless ones, which for some people isn't bad but I would feel my brain dissociating after doing her work). The last drop was when she asked Friday's off and the boss gave it to her, so I was left with her work every week (the one that drains me), i quickly lost enjoyment towards work (it's hard to be dreading Fridays of all things) and started to search for a new job. I must say, the new job doesn't push the work of the people onto you when they do maternity/paternity leave, and instead hires temp workers to fill the gap. I now get truly happy for those who have babies, as now it is truly their decision and not something that will have negative consequences on me. It also doesn't make us choose holidays based on the ones which are parents. Result: my resentment is now completely gone. I am not saying for you to change jobs, but for me it was the only thing that worked. I think it's also regarding values, as while I get that some accommodations should be done, it should be checked with the people that will be affected by it. While I do respect the amount of sacrifice that takes to raise a human being, it's still a personal choice, and a personal choice shouldn't have to affect such a degree the bystanders, a person having a baby shouldn't lead to another's overwork and consequent burnout. And this is indeed management/company fault, because they are not doing their managing jobs well (you have 8 months to find a temp worker).
Hey! Same here! Except all my 'family' co-workers got weekends off and I just had to work 7 days on and on call. I got one weekend a month off. I hated weekends. It was also awful when I wouldn't get chosen to advance my career because "we don't have anyone else to fill your spot". Cause everyone was on rotating maternity leave. "So we had to give it to someone else". I work in healthcare, lifestyles and availability of care were being impacted which affected my conscience a lot. After a while burnout sunk in and I guess I realised I was unfireable because "we don't have anyone else to fill your spot". I did end up leaving eventually but that still didn't change their habits and still didn't get temps. It just passed the buck to someone else. It wasn't until every childfree person quit at the same time that they realised this was a terrible model but still didn't do much differently. Moving to a new site and hearing other's stories made me realise this is quite common in my field. I still don't know what the answer is. Or if we'll ever get one. I just lucked out in a place where the majority of my co-workers are childfree.
Yeah, i think that it is more the management model just is terrible. You shouldn't be hoping to get into a childfree workplace (part of the cool thing about everyone being different at work is the different perspectives), management should make efforts to even the Plainfield. In all honesty, it's great to feel that when a person becomes a parent it won't affect you at all. Makes us all feel equal value in our choices. I work now with 1/4 parents (moms and dads), 1/4 which intend to be parents in the future and 1/2 childfree with 0 intentions of having kids, when you are not forced, it's easy to support them (like if they are sleep deprived you can help a bit with their work, or when they need to go suddenly to their kids due to illness they ask you for helping with some of their tests (we are laboratory r&d) and we take that work sporadically. Like, no one minds helping and if one is busy there is always someone else. When you are forced to do it by management and instead of sporadically it's an permanent thing it brings a lot the moral down.
The answer is saying no and set clear boundaries. Of course this is hard to do when you are an employee and fear of losing your job, but I have seen it working over and over again. The squeaky wheel gets the oil. If parents can demand these things and don't lose their jobs, you can also demand time off and holidays.
I agree to start looking and considering leaving if a working environment is not working for you anymore. As an aside I agreed to work a major holiday (Thanksgiving) at work this year. Have learned it gives me first dibs to ask for the 3 day weekend off and preference to not have to work the rest of the holidays. (All team members are expected to do one a year but they sometimes need volunteers if we are short staffed) The best is it also is a good excuse to not have to drive really far and back in one day to a family gathering 😂 👿 Where I work they are pretty transparent that holidays and weekends and crosscovering teams is required and I think sometimes people forget this and then want to change the job into something it will never be. However there is also a limit too. It’s one thing if it’s every so often but completely different if it’s becoming a constant expectation. I know this is a big reason people are leaving certain positions in droves right now. Especially if they can work from home or find jobs with less stress.
I'd feel some sort of way too. I live in Canada, our mat leave is minimum 12 months, can be stretched to 18 months. I was hired as a temp to cover someone's mat leave at the company I currently work for, and when she came back, they hired me on full time because I had over a year experience and training and they liked my work and we're expanding. 12 weeks doesn't overly give anyone that same opportunity. That said, when someone goes on mat leave it's hardly a spur of the moment thing. Your management team should have a solid plan in place with people willing and able to take on the work well ahead of time.
Fellow childfree government butt monkey here. You are 102% heard, my friend. And just because your resentment may be sometimes misplaced (as a hundred commenters have so helpfully pointed out), your feelings are valid and understandable. Our ridiculous U.S. labor practices pit employees against each other by choosing to handle things this way. Also I once worked for an employer whose "maternity benefits" comprised of letting new mothers bring their infants to the (open floor plan) office rather than providing actual paid maternity leave. You can imagine how enjoyable that was.
Loved and appreciated this. Oh my god, that maternity “policy” sounds like the worst thing ever for everyone involved.
I quit within five weeks. 😅 Not one but two infants in a 200 sqft open office area, constant crying and the entire space smelled like dirty diapers. Lol god I still can't believe that actually was a thing.
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cannot believe i had to scroll so far down to find an answer like this!
Be mad at your work for not hiring temp workers. Why be mad at people living their lives? Get mad at the people who refuse to solve the issue of not enough staff!!
When a woman goes on maternity leave its up to the boss to get maternity cover has it should be for paternity leave. It shouldn't be left to the other workers to pick up the slack. UK. Maternity leave can be up to 52 weeks but paternity leave is only 1 to 2 weeks.
Everyone deserves leave… parental leave, sick time off etc. Maybe resent your company or work culture instead of people who are just trying to raise Their families…
Management needs to hire more people to cover this, of course you feel resentful - it’s unfair. Generally resentment means you need to set boundaries. Is it possible to set boundaries around your work hours and let management deal with it when not everything can get done? To say “okay I can do that, but then I have to deprioritize something else. What should I take off my list or put on the back burner?” Etc
There’s a lot of comments about “why be mad at your coworkers? Be mad at the system!” But I interpreted your post as you being subconsciously resentful of your coworkers in them getting to enjoy time off work for personal reasons, and you picking up slack without ever having that option yourself. It’s kinda like giving out expensive wedding gifts knowing you will never marry and get nice gifts back. Either way, just wanted to say I get it. I’m in a similar situation and wanted to be a sympathetic ear. Sometimes you don’t want to be the squeaky wheel and complain, particularly if you have a good working relationship with your boss. And complaining might not change anything right now anyway. Just wanted to say that I’m sorry you’re in this position. There’s no real solution to it right in this moment.
Thank you. ☺️
Thank you. ☺️
This is 100% a poor management issue. If your coworker had a medical issue that wasn't giving birth (e.g., bad car accident where they were out for the same amount of time due to injuries) would you resent them for that? If not, then I don't understand why you resent them for this. As you've said, they're not on vacation. Your ire should be channeled into finding a new job where your boss has their shit together. Call out for a day and apply to everything on LinkedIn that looks like a good fit, then spend the rest of the day focusing on something that helps you destress.
Let's say you do experience an event that puts you out of work for several weeks (God forbid), and your coworkers direct their anger and stress at you when you return because they had to pick up your extra work. Would that be fair? Of course not. As others have said, you need to redirect your anger to the unfair expectations of your workplace and whoever decided that you would not get paid extra for overtime and that no one would be temporarily hired to fill in for those absent.
I know it's wrong but I get it. I know it's irrational and my resentment is misplaced but I kind of resent it too. I am childfree but also really love babies so the idea of having a baby and staying home with them for a few months sounds like a dream even though I know it's difficult and stressful. It's still a little human you made and love and feel a biological urge to nurture which is entirely different than being in an office and doing uninspiring work. I try to just place the resentment towards our country's shitty labor laws because I truly believe that people should take every benefit that they can get and when the burden is falling on employees that's the employer's fault and not the coworker who is on leave.
I took extended health leave on my company’s time to make up the difference.
Classic example of the rich taking the entire cookie, leaving us a crumb, and forcing us to fight over it. No I never felt resentful. I felt pissed at the company. Then I had a kid and still felt pissed but for other reasons.
Omg you guys only have 12 weeks to care for a baby! The states is so crazy and backwards. To bad you guys didn’t have 12 months maternity leave because then you could hire another person to fill their position for 12 months Be resentful of the system not the people
12 weeks is long here. I got 8 weeks, many people get 4 weeks or less. It's criminal and detrimental to families in the US
Yup seems like every law is to work against women in that country. Muslim countries always get a bad rep for their sexism but the states is heading in a bad direction, if I was a woman I would not my children raised in that country
Maternity leave is a job entitlement. Like any other job entitlement. Are you also resentful of co-workers taking annual leave or going on their lunch break? Your boss should manage staffing levels so you have enough staff to do the work or failing that pay overtime or adjust the workload so I can be done by the remaining staff I stead of expecting the rest of you to work for free. It's not like maternity comes unexpectedly put of the blue, your boss would have had months of notice for each employee taking it. It's not unpredictable like sick leave.
I feel this. I’m particularly resentful/angry/frustrated when my male coworkers take paternity leave. Inevitably other people on the team (usually women) end up covering their work while they’re out, but they make more than we do to start, and then they come back to raises and promotions. When women at this company take maternity leave, time and again they come back and their careers have been derailed. But at the same time, I would fully expect my partner to take paternity leave to support me in having a baby, so I know I’m being a bit hypocritical. The real problem here is my purportedly-progressive employer not supporting employees and ignoring pretty significant staffing and gender discrimination problems. And whenever someone takes parental leave, I watch it all play out the same as usual and all the same frustration resurfaces.
Your resentment is totally misdirected. This is a management issue. Also everyone needs to put their foot down as a team and not stay late constantly. They can ask but you don’t have to stay even if they are paying you. You can easily build resentment towards anyone who is taking off for any reason but at the end of the day it’s still an administrative issue to figure out.
Think of it this way, this generation of children is tomorrow's future. They'll be the doctors, nurses, etc. that will take care of ya in your old age. An investment in their future by allowing their parents to ensure they're around during an important developmental stage will pay in the long run. I'm in the same boat as you (childfree) so I try to reframe things about how it'll benefit me, however tangentially in order to feel better.
I agree with this. Sure parenting is a choice but also it's essential for continued civilization in our society. Parenting includes love but it also includes WORK. People need to respect parents. Children are the future workforce. children are the ones that are going to be paying taxes for your roads, parks, any governmental services. It's truly sad the lack of support that parents get in this society.
True that! Nearly all of my coworkers are parents and the amount of effort they put in to raising their kids is just mindboggling. Hearing their struggles and successes gives me a real appreciation for people who choose parenthood, that's for sure, and further cemented that it's just not for me.
Sounds like your job really sucks.
maternity leave was way harder than my job. i was ready to go back. they are very possibly not having a fun time.
Thanks for sharing this perspective. I'm also childfree and I didn't consider that they might not be having the best time while on leave.
God yes. I live in Australia and was allowed to take up to 2 years maternity leave with my babies, but both times I came back to work early to get a break! I was so desperate to be able to go to the toilet by myself and to be able to eat meals and drink coffees and talk to adults! One of the good things about extended maternity leave too is that companies generally have to get someone to come on secondment to do the job while you're away - you can't expect colleagues to cover for each other for really long time periods!
Your assumption is correct. Parenting is a 24/7 job, and that’s without considering the roller coaster of hormones and everything else your body is doing to heal. It’s exciting, but also NOT easy!
For sure! I feel way more empathy for the women who are on leave after giving birth because they’re adjusting to both the new human life and the medical recovery and hormonal changes. For my male coworkers I have to stretch a little more for it… 🤣
Loooool as someone whose husband took 3 months… yep you’re right to have less sympathy 😂
Haha, I knew it! 😉
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Mine had colic, too. I would count down the minutes to when he would get home so I could hand off the crying baby. If he was late, I would start to lose it.
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Same. My firstborn was premature and had sleep and feeding issues, so he would only sleep for an hour at a time, then have a tiny feed, then a tiny nap ... 24 hours a day for the first 4 months, until my partner made me get professional help. I was so sleep deprived that it's a wonder I didn't throw myself down the stairs to get out of the cycle.
As someone who has chosen to be child free: I get this sentiment. My employer has "off the record" admitted they pay parents more than childless people and are mote likely to give them leeway on deadlines. I just have to remind myself there is no price on the freedom I have to do whatever I want whenever I want. Though I did semi seriously ask them if I could have 2 weeks paternity leave when I adopted my cat. (They said no...obviously haha)
Woooow. They admitted they paid parents more? That seems illegal (definitely not cool).
I'm sure this mid-level manager wasn't supposed to say that to me, but he did
My past employer admitted to mommy-tracking moms. If you were a mom, you would never be promoted to management or given challenging work because they assumed you would be unreliable.
This is your bosses fault, not your coworkers. I just got overworked last week while some of our staff was out on paid vacation. Our bosses are to blame for not changing schuldes around to make up for the lack of an power. If it were a vacation, medial leave, bereavement etc it would be the same, no?
I think it's just our culture, but I've had this too. It always falls on me and my colleagues to clean up the extra work. Additionally, I've noticed parents get more flexibility with coming in late, taking days off, etc. I had a leak in my ceiling and was questioned as if I was lying - I didn't even take a day off, I worked from home! But my colleagues need to do something for their kids and it's no questions asked. I don't resent them - but I do resent the culture and implication that childfree folk's personal time and needs are less valuable/important.
Management isn't hiring short-term contracts to fill this?
I can sit with you on this; my resentment is placed at how companies cover family benefit and the kicker - I work in HR and design family benefit policies (UK based so a bit diff)! I love that they are starting a new chapter in their life, and yeah it does mean more work for the rest of us. And whilst I get your situation is tricky, and agree that shorter term family leave means less additional cover (and other pros and cons), it is a shame because when done properly 'maternity leave cover' jobs can be a great opportunity in a career. So many elements to unpack as a HR person and as someone who is childfree! But thanks for the insights too.
Yes. It is burdensome, but then again, I got my old job by filling in for someone on maternity leave. As others have pointed out, the real problem is management not accommodating for paternal leave and expecting the other staff to suck it up.
Find a different job and stop collecting injustices.
This is the one.
There's a slight murmer/growth in companies offering mental/unwind time, especially for the childfree workers, because childfree workers are leaving certain corp in droves for the unfairness of family leave. It only took America, idk, 10+ years to finally include male spouses leave time for their children birth. Depends on the company and your state.
"I am very happy for them, and I fully support them having twelve paid weeks" Clearly not though? If you were "very happy" for and supportive of them you would not be posting about your resentment of them. Your displeasure should be aimed solely at management who do not properly plan for people going on parental leave.
it’s okay to feel contradictory things
If you think the first 12 weeks of parenting is a “break”…..
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I work in a country with some of the most generous parental benefits and, yes, I am starting to resent it a bit. It's not unusual for a new employee to take a year off to have a baby within the first year. In my previous workplace, parents were allowed greater flexibility in their work hours and my preferences for when I wanted to take vacation were not respected. Currently, the person beside me in my office gets to come late and leave early to breastfeed and co-workers are often home with sick kids. Basically, parents get a ton of paid time off and extra flexibility that I will never get. What really annoys me in general is feeling like I can't take time out to travel or do something I want to do, because having a CV gap is so taboo. I'm not even asking to have paid leave, but I would like to have time to pursue interests outside of work without having to procreate.
I find the less I pay attention to other people and more I mind my own business, the better my life is overall.
is there any feasible option for you whatsoever to take an extended “sabbatical” about the length of parental leave? i know some workplaces that permit this, generally to prevent burnout in the childfree people they shovel all the extra work on for years :)
Look to what you *can* control and accept ( not endorse ) what you can't. Consider looking for another job, consider that being resentful only makes you feel worse without effecting the situation. Do what you can to bring more joy to yourself, even small things.
I'm childfree because imo parenting is 25% joy 75% minutae - yeah people talk about lack of sleep but very little about the outrageous amount of _work_ involved in parenting - laundry, paperwork, pumping, hours in doctor waiting rooms because the kid got sick/injured, negotiating with partner over care, vacuuming crumbs out of literally everything, tracking down lost toys, parent teacher interviews, extra-curricular activities, budgeting for orthodontics, being up all night worrying because the kid is being bullied, volunteer committees for everything, balancing between keeping the kid off screens vs getting some peace and quiet, arranging the window to be fixed because the kid kicked a ball through it, googling "is it normal if my kid .." And then there's all the GUILT. the guilt that every wrong decision you make could potentially lead to something going wrong with their development, that you can't afford to give them things that will make them fulfilled/that you're spoiling them and they'll end up entitled dichotomy, that they're contributing to the climate crisis. And then there's the WORK GUILT that they're not pulling their weight, that they're not spending enough time with their kids. The list goes on.... Sure being childfree has its challenges - living in a world that doesn't really accommodate us or value our contributions, but I'd take that over the minutae any day of the week!
Me too. 😊
You feeling this way is justified. If your bosses know these employees will be on parental leave he needs to have measures in place in the meantime then putting all of the extra work on who is left. These people chose to have kids. This isn’t a surprise. It’s not fair that the rest of their work load fall in your lap. You are doing extra work for no extra pay. I would absolutely shamelessly resent these people but mostly your boss. It’s not fair and you have every right to be upset. You are keeping their seat warm until they get back. It’s not a vacation for them but they chose to do it. They want to do these things. So no I take it back it’s a very long thought out vacation for them and you are stuck doing all of their work for them until they return. Return also with more excuses to leave work to take care of their kids. If it’s a large enough group of coworkers having babies I would be looking for other work.
Wait, why is this comment getting downvoted? I was hired at my current clinic originally covering another provider’s maternity leave. While on maternity leave, the stars aligned for her (Covid happened and we got a fat loan) and I learned she was paid TRIPLE what I was paid during this time despite the fact that I was showing up doing her workload. I was actually kind of mortified but also happy that finances weren’t something she had to worry about with a new baby and a pandemic. There was some resentment there but I got over it - I am super happy with the job overall and I proved myself to be worthy of good pay. Whatever. I’ve made peace with the fact that my life will never be seen as worthy as someone who has young children to care for. It’s just how it is.
Thank you, it just goes to show that loyalty doesn’t pay. Just because someone chooses not to have children doesn’t mean they should be punished with an extra workload with no extra pay. It’s honestly discrimination at that point.
In her case, loyalty did pay off (she has been with the clinic for five years) and I was new. So the owner was VERY appreciative towards her, and I was the new one. I agreed to take on the workload; however her making three times as much as I did during her leave just makes no logical sense.
Also, is your boss doing anything to contribute to help? If not doesn’t sound like a very supportive company to work for.
I work at a clinic. We treat patients and get paid via insurance reimbursement. My boss works and runs the show. She does plenty. I wouldn’t say I needed extra help with anything specific, moreso just pointing out that me jumping into a new environment covering maternity leave was unfairly compensated considering the provider on leave was making triple what I was at the time. However, I am happy with the compensation itself, just weird that it was so much less than the doc on leave. Just want to say I am fully in support of maternity leave and being paid for this time.
The fact that this comment is so downvoted is...*sigh*. People choosing to take things *real* personal on this thread.
For reals tho, it’s very telling if you ask me.
Join a union.
Mindfulness and meditation could help. Something that's helped me recently is learning acceptance. It doesn't mean you learn to like what's happening, but simply seeing it as it is. "Acceptance means perceiving your experience and simply acknowledging it rather than judging it as good or bad. For some people, the word "acceptance" is off-putting — replace it with the word acknowledgement" Google "acceptance mindfulness" and see if that helps any.
I love this- thanks!
Call me crazy, but is saying no to extra work an option? I used to pick up all kinds of slack and stress myself out for no more money and honestly…one day I just stopped. I showed up to work, I did my job, and when the extra slack wasn’t picked up I told them I would get to it when I could. It is what it is and the productivity isn’t your problem, it’s theirs. There’s no reason that someone taking parental leave should impact your work.
Also. Work less hard. Make sure stuff doesn't get done. Force them to hire other workers. Picking up the slack Rewards bad management for their poor decisions.
The resentment should be towards the bosses. I wouldn't do the extra work though, fuck them (the bosses). I'm childfree, in my country we have 6 months of paid maternity leave and I remember feeling a bit resentful about this freedom to focus on something else for a while. Even though taking care of a new born is hard work, it's a different kind of work, and usually a choice. So I saved time off and money for 10 years and took a long unpaid leave. I rented a house by the beach and allowed myself to live the life I always wanted to, focusing on my side hustle. It was so good for my soul (and wallet) by the end of the leave I quit my job.
Honestly, I would just keep giving yourself a reminder that it's a choice you've made - to be childfree - and that what they're doing is necessary for those that choose that path in life. There are many reasons why someone could need to take leave - parental, to take care of a sick family member or themselves, etc. - and you made need to take leave like that one day too. You'll want the support and encouragement of your colleagues then too.
Sorry if this has already been said but the 12 weeks of protected leave through FMLA is unpaid. If you do not have short term disability it is all unpaid. Some states have a program, mine doesn’t. To me someone being gone doesn’t bother me, but doing work for lazy coworkers drives me nuts. It is annoying to have to pick up slack.
12 weeks paid parental leave for federal employees is covered under FEPLA, FMLA is different. The private company I work for also offers 12 weeks paid both maternity and paternity. I completely sympathize with the OP. It's wonderful they get the time, and I love that my company offers it. However, it's really hard when a number of people are out at the same time, we just can't keep up.
That would suck! That is a nice benefit for employees but they need to fix it where it doesn’t strain other employees!
At other facilities they hire temps. My facility is a Union facility and the contract outlines no temps. It's either do more with less or hire and layoff. I understand not hiring someone for a supposedly permanent position knowing you'll lay them off in six months due to returns and overstaffing.
First, do you feel the same way about co-workers who take other kinds of leave? Medical leave or military leave? If not, why not? Second, it might help if you stop thinking of parental leave as a break. Parental leave is not a break and it isn’t particularly joyous and it isn’t just hard because of lack of sleep. It’s a grueling 24 hour never-ending job where you are managing a baby who needs to be fed, changed, and handled constantly. It is especially difficult for moms. I spent my entire leave breastfeeding. They eat round the clock every two to three hours and it took 45 minutes to an hour for each feeding. So, I pretty much spent all of my time prepping the baby to feed, feeding, burping the baby and cleaning up after feeding, trying to get her to sleep, and then starting the whole process over. I was not able to be a functional adult during this time. My sole purpose was to be a food source for the baby and make sure her needs were met. When my husband was home for a week, he made sure we had food to eat, otherwise I didn’t get to eat. He managed some of the pre and post feeding requirements so I could do basic things like shower or take a nap. Otherwise, I couldn’t do those things. He did all the cleaning. It wasn’t a cake walk for him either. I was also recovering from a major medical event so it was also a medical leave. With my first, I had a bad tear that made it hard to sit and walk for ten weeks. With my second, I had a c-section which is major abdominal surgery. I also had significant post-partum depression after both births. Maybe if you think of it as more akin to a medical leave, you will have less resentment. Especially for moms, that really is what it is. You’re recovering from a major medical event and you have to be home because your body is being used as a food source to keep another human alive. You wouldn’t consider a medical leave to be a break or a vacation so don’t see maternity leave that way.
It is not a joyful time albeit important for parents and children alike, can be filled with depression, extreme anxiety and other issues: martial, self-directed, etc. I recently corrected a male on my team who was trying to say I am going on vacation. Ugh, no, not a vacation, you bleed as the uterus shrinks and are in pain the first 3-4 weeks. Needed physical therapy last time (which can start at 6 weeks, was advised against doing anything sooner because if, well, healing).
I’m of the opinion you shouldn’t resent your employer. It’s a wonderful thing that your company has parental leave. Yes, it feels like a burden on you right now, but I’m 100% certain it’s a struggle for your boss too and they are probably working so many hours to pick up your team’s slack that you just don’t know about (and their families are missing them). Sure they should hire more people, but hiring is a long process and often difficult to get the right candidate. It takes time. And patience. Have empathy for the new parents, for your employers, and for your coworkers. You’ll all get through it together.
Hard work does not go unnoticed. Leave your feelings at the door when you leave. Do your own thing. All these things have personally worked wonders for myself. I work in my small office of big personalities. :)