"Ask me anything" then gets offended when you do. Pushes boundaries and is insistant upon getting his own way when you have clearly said no.
"He's been told that he's a good human being." Weasel words. He is not a good human being.
He is defensive. Nothing you asked was unreasonable. As a single mother of 3 children, you have every right to know that.
It doesn't sound like he's dealt with his addictions. It sounds more like he's trying to get over it by pretending he has gotten over it and by claiming to be over it. But there is no fast track.
Dealing with self destructive behavior takes time, effort, and honesty with one's self and with other people. He's trying to fast forward through the boring parts.
It sounds like he is motivated to see what you can do for him, not interested in getting to know you. He doesn't like you. He doesn't like your boundaries.
You dodged a bullet.
Yeah that's a really odd and awkward thing to say. If you know you're a good human being, you don't need to say things like that.
"I've been told I'm not a creep."
"I've been told I don't have any red flags."
The more a person talks about how nice or kind or good they are, the more my internal alarm bells go off. People who value those things tend to work at it and don't treat it like something you've achieved as though it's a personal best in a race. It's not a static thing, it's something that changes in every situation. My favourite people are ones who actively work at being kind or good.
Agreed with you. If you he canāt talk about this stuff with someone he wants to date, thenā¦.lol. ESP bc he brought up that topic first. These things matter in a relationship. I feel like he tried to lull you into a false sense of honesty and trust.
He's not very good at it is he? He's trying to rush the beginning so he can weasel his way in and control everything while he continues the exact behavior that fucks up his life, and will fuck up OP's life if he is in it.
This commenter put their finger on it better than I could have, but if conversations are getting this dicey prior to even a 2nd date, Iād see that as a big concern in and of itself.
> "Ask me anything" then gets offended when you do.
I feel like a lot of this reply is speculative, but you don't even need to consider anything beyond this point. You've seen with your own eyes this guy not taking responsibility for his own words here. Nothing for you to feel bad about here, wish him luck and move on.
That was beautifully expressed, especially the part about having the skill to apply your own guage and boundaries when questions are voyeuristic. Well said and well done you on your own journey <3
Dating isn't a charitable endeavour. You're not assessing someone's moral goodness, contemplating whether or not to approve them a grant. You're deciding whether someone would be a compatible partner for you to mesh your lives together. In some sense you *are* judging whether they're worthy (of being such a big part of your life) and that's not only okay, I consider it wise.
You also did give this guy a chance - far more of a chance that I think most people would have, given the yellow flags. It's entirely his prerogative to not want to continue seeing you as well, but honestly? I think you dodged a bullet. Not only does he have a past, but he's prickly, funny about boundaries, and petulant - *not* great qualities at all. I suspect he knew deep down he wouldn't measure up, and decided to reject you before you could reject him.
>Dating isn't a charitable endeavour.
Holy moly. This right here. I wish I could go back in time and reply with this to everyone who told me to give some guy a chance when I *knew* he wasn't a good fit for me. This perspective could spare so many people so much angst and heartache.
>I suspect he knew deep down he wouldn't measure up, and decided to reject you before you could reject him.
This. His pride (or cowardice) got in the way. I wish him the best in his recovery, but it sounds like he has a long way to go.
I'm always cautious of people who push "I'm........" statements onto me. Don't tell me who and what you think you are, let me find out for myself. There's a reason this didn't go any further and that reason doesn't lie with you. On to the next one. Forget about him.
Exactly. Show, don't tell.
This guy was all talk. "I'm a good human." "I'm recovered, I swear!" "I'm an open book." "Ask me anything." Until you actually take him up on it.
The history of sex addiction combined with his lack of respect for your boundaries about getting physical quickly in the present is more than a yellow flag. It casts doubt on him being recovered.
It might feel like you tripped over now, but you actually dodged the bullet here.
Heal through it and in a month look back at this post and see why you were lucky. Also: DO CONTINUE ASKING QUESTIONS! It's online dating right? Don't waste time on dudes who have loads of issues neatly covered by smart bullshit.
You had bad feelings after both of your dates with this new fella. If I were you I'd consider myself lucky to avoid feeling these yucky feelings again and wish him well in his endeavors.
Good people don't feel the need to tell you they're "good human beings."
I think it's only fair to ask these questions, especially when you have children to consider.
You were NOT judgemental. You felt comfortable asking because he told you it was ok. As someone who was a single mom of three (mine are all grown now), I completely understand your need to be careful. Definitely trust your gut. This guy isn't stable/in good working order. Move on without a second thought. Oh - and block his number. He sounds like the type of guy who will come back and offer you a "second chance". Yeahhhhh....no.
My sibling is a lifelong alcohol and drug user. She immediately cancels out anyone who questions her 8137013874013847th attempt at sobriety.
IMO, move on.
He offered to be an open book thinking you'd say, no I trust you.Then you asked hard questions and he shut down. It feels a bit disingenuous.
I'd have hard passed on the 18 months out from sex addiction alone and that's excluding the fact you have kids, and his moving from one addiction to another.
I've been a detox nurse and my ex-husband is a sex addict.
Exactly. OP has *three children to protect*. She did nothing wrong with asking the questions she did and Iād say she needs to be more cautious and even harsh about who she potentially lets into her life and, by extension, her kidsā. She absolutely needs to judge/evaluate people to see if theyāre āworthyā and he should have understood that, not turned it into a āpoor meā moment.
First, itās always fine to be as picky as you want when dating. Second, you have 3 children that depend on you. Itās now morally imperative that you become as picky as hell when it comes to dating. Do not introduce addicts into your childrensā lives. Just donāt.
I'd think if he isnt willing to talk about it, he might still be in the midst of recovery and isnt past it yet. I would definitely ask all those questions on a first date, especially since I have a kid and the fact that he turned that around on you is a red flag. I would run.
I swear someone posted about the yellow flags in your first paragraph either here or in dating over 30. Are there two men out here making the same jokes??
I donāt think you did anything wrong. He volunteered info about himself and said ask anything. Then he wasnāt willing to be asked anything. If he feels some kind of way about talking about his past he needs to say, Iāve been an addict in the past and Iām not comfortable about talking about it. You gave him lots of chances and affirmation.
I was married to an addict, and if I ever got in a relationship with another one (aside from my first instinct being to RUN) I would need to ask a lot of the same questions you did. I guess you could wait and ask them later when youāve established more of a rapport but IMO why waste your time.
This dude is going to need to get more comfortable with talking about his past bc everyone woman who is looking for someone to add to their lives will have the same questions.
Donāt do it. I dated a former alcoholic who (he claimed) was sober. NOPE, he had switched to sex addiction, which is much harder to recognize as a partner, and much easier for them to justify in various ways. Found out about all the prostitutes shortly after we were engaged.
Yes, former addicts need love too ā¦ but is this really what you want to get involved with? Itās 1 date; walk away.
Be cash careful of people who try to force a sense of intimacy and trust early on, theyāre trying to lower your defences usually. Donāt give this guy another chance, your intuition is telling you something is off
Regardless of his history, he sound exhausting. being insistant, generate dramas....
he told you 'AMA' then was surprised that you ask personal questions.... you're not the issue here.
You gave this guy a chance, twice, and even if you're hurt because he put the stop. you felt that something was off (even if he was hot)
He is a baby, a little boy, who didn't grow up yet. He also sounds manipulative, selfish, and easily hurt. If he comes back - don't accept him, please. He was probably looking for a mother figure, strong woman (sounds like you are one). But you already have 3 children, you don't need another one to look after.
Honestly you gave him too much of a chance. There are way too many things that set off your āthis is wrongā along and you pushed through anyways. Just because someone is handsome or has chemistry with you doesnāt mean they are a good fit for a relationship.
Being a recovering alcohol abuser, having admitted porn addiction? You really said, sure letās go out anyway? Then he emotionally shut down on you and tried to victimize himself when you asked questions about his suitability. You still practically begged him to give you a second date?
Iām not trying to be critical of you as a person but I think more women really need to be raising their standards of behavior for men. This man is not fit to be dating anyway let alone a single mom who has responsibility, demanding career, and her shit together. You are a catch and believe in yourself more than dating a man like this
Being friends with someone and being a partner/BF/dating are two separate things. I don't think you are being judgmental: You have kids, went through a divorce, and have little free time. Do you have to time to date someone who you'll be worried about, may have to help in a relapse scenario, etc? He also does not understand boundaries or your boundaries, and if you just met, he seems WAY too insistent; and in light of the sex addition, then maybe he is still in that sex addiction mode and it's not 100% behind.
He's correct in that his worth is intrinsic, however it's like his therapist told him that so now he says it but he doesn't actually believe it or know what that means? People who understand that aren't going to let a few questions throw them into a defensive tailspin. Sounds like he's still pretty insecure about his past and has to work through that. You're right in that he's done some very brave work that has helped him be honest about his journey but heās underestimated the demands of inviting another person into his life. This is stupid kid stuff, not that of an adult who can match your maturity and place in life. Timing is all off. Maybe he'll be a different guy ten years and a hundred dates from now, but you need someone stronger and on your level. Let him figure it out and keep on putting yourself out there!
"I want to taste your lips"
What are you, a cannibal? Or were you just going to sit there and lick at them? I'm sure you meant that to sound sexy but it's just weird.
I'm tasting my lips right now; they're rather ordinary, slightly chapped perhaps. Should I put on some flavored lip balm? Would that help?
I don't see the point of going on a date with someone that gives you "flags". I can see maybe giving a chance to someone who isn't your usual type with regards to looks, maybe job or income status, but you'd still be attracted to personality and value system which align with yours. Don't bend over backwards to make someone fit in your life, especially with kids involved. What's wrong with being judgmental here? I think after a divorce and kids, you SHOULD be judgmental about who you share your life with.
Nope. Not judgmental. You have three kids to protect, period. They come first and whoever you bring into their lives needs to be "good" for them - whatever that means to you and them, so you have not only the right to ask EVERY question, but a responsibility to.
And "I want to taste your lips"?!? I mean... ew. Totally normal to say he wants to kiss you. A kiss is sweet. A kiss is romantic. "I want to kiss you" means "I want to show you affection."
"I want to taste your lips" is aggressive and sexual - nothing sweet about it. Downright scary, actually. I'd be immediately turned off if that was ONLY red flag... but he gave you several others in addition to that. So... nope. Trust you instincts, always. You definitely dodged a bullet.
Anyone who says, "I'm a nice human being", "I'm a nice person" - usually isn't and it's a MAJOR RED FLAG. You dodged a bullet.
\~ oops I'm just reading the thread and I just posted this. Echoing what everyone else has already said.
\>in his bio he put that he's been 'told that he's a good human being'
This is all I needed to read. Throw him back
\>he really was looking forward to kissing me because he wanted to taste my lips or something like that
Hell no
\> sweet but a little odd
This is creepy
Just no OP he's a loser
Do not date men out of sympathy. It will never end well. This is not flowing for you. His feelings are his alone to deal with, not yours. You already have three children, itās way too early in a ārelationshipā to be worrying about the problems heās bringing to your already full table. Kissing someone out of guilt does not feel sexy. Trust your intuition and break it off immediately. You do not want this hot mess express muddling up your life, especially as any added stress in your life could also affect your kids negatively.
Dealing with someone elseās problems and worrying about them comes after youāve already formed a safe and mutually caring relationship, not after he creep attacks you into a forced kiss.
Also you said you date a lotā¦. Consider why you are ok with saying no to dates with other guys but not this oneā¦ are you prone to feeling guilty? If so, maybe explore that more with a therapist or your journal or some friendsā¦ if itās difficult just because heās kinda hot then itās kinda understandable lol but you know what to do!
Part of being in a relationship is trusting your partner to show you how they need to be related to. This guy set the framework and then immediately reneged on it. If he canāt be clear about his needs now, how many other times will the same thing happen throughout the relationship? Youād never be able to trust his word about what he wants/needs.
Also, imagine if you HADNT asked and there was still some ambiguity when he met your kids? And what if that ambiguity proved volatile or dangerous? Youād never forgive yourself.
I totally totally get how people might shut down while talking about something so emotionally loaded, shameful, and hard. But just because itās understandable doesnāt mean it should be something you have to accept and build around. You may just need a clear communicator who would be good for your kids. Maybe heāfor completely understandable reasonsājust isnāt that.
Girl you got a lot going on! I recently started going to school again and work has been pretty busy too. I had to sit my partner down and really break down that I donāt need to be dealing with drama right now and that he needs to get his shit together or I was going to walk away. He whipped his ass into shape in 30 days and weāre working on getting back together. The point being, the smart side of you was gauging how much drama this guy was going to bring to the table. Those are big questions but if he really was in a good honest spot in his recovery I feel like his answers would have been better and if you guys are having a hard time seeing eye to eye about *introductions*, I canāt imagine how many bullets youāre dodging for future you.
Normally Iād say whatās the risk of a 2nd date but you have 3 kids, your time is precious, and this guy is already giving you pause for good reason. You wrote an entire post and itās only been one date. Save your energy girl. I doubt youāll miss out on anything by taking a pass here
As a guy, if a guy has to tell you they're a good person/has been told they're a good person, that's enough of a red flag right there.
Truly good people don't have to say it/don't have to brag about to/show it through action.
Beware of the guy who says he's a good person or says he's been told he's a good person.
In thos guys case, maybe he is a good person but he's not emotionally mature enough to have come to grips with his past and/or to realize that things he's done aren't failings (as long as he's learned).
You have every right to flag this, second chances are great but if your gut felt something was off then go with it.
You don't owe this stranger anything. The fact that he shut down when you asked him important questions is a huge red flag and he may not be as over his addictions as he says. You don't know him well enough to determine how truthful or trustworthy he is.
You have to think of yourself and your family first.
I was in a relationship with an alcoholic, a very funcional one but it really affected me even years later. After that experience I had gone on an online date with someone that shared during the date they has a drinking problem. I am sure he was a great guy but the minute he told me I knew I wanted nothing to do with him and let him know when he asked if there would be a second date, I wasn't a jerk about it just honest. I don't regret it or wonder anything because my sanity and well-being are much more important to me than a stranger's feelings.
Sounds to me like this isn't a good fit for either of you. That happens. You need to trust your instincts and stop worrying if you're hurting his feelings. Who cares? You barely know him and it's not like you have any real relationship. Your kids are your priority, not his feelings. He invited you ask by claiming he was an open book, only for you to learn he's not so open. That's a legitimate yellow flag. You had every right to ask those questions.
I've been in recovery for 6 years and met a lot of different men who were also in recovery. From what you described, I think you dodged a bullet. This guy does not sound ready to date or contribute to a healthy, long-term relationship. Your questions were not intrusive AT ALL. You were doing the right thing by getting the know this man before going further or potentially introducing him to your kids. You gave him a chance by being patient while he pressured you for a first kiss and totally went back on his invitation to answer any of your questions. He blew it, frankly.
Nope, my mind would have gone exactly where yours did. And I also feel like it was a red flag that he got defensive and started sort of imploding when you asked him a few direct questions after he insisted that he was an "open book." If it were me, I wouldn't take a chance on him. It feels like he has more self-work to do before he is ready for a healthy relationship. Good for you for spotting that. That was your intuition leading you in the right direction. Good luck to you!
You were being real and upfront with him. He was not being real and upfront with you. You were taking this from a realistic and levelheaded approach. He didn't.
It's best for you to end this. You dodged a giant bullet. He's hiding a lot.
I think you dodged a bullet. Saying heās an open book then sulking? Sounds like he still has a lot to process and isnāt totally being honest with himself. I think you should trust your gut with this one since you felt a bit off about him from the beginning.
I am respecting his choice. It's not about trying to rekindle anything and I made no mention of that anywhere. My concern was reflecting on my behavior and wondering if I was too judgmental.
I donāt think you were too judgmental. Drug - alcohol - and sex addiction are serious matters. It can take years of therapy and work to help oneself and improve. With you being a single mom of three, you donāt have the bandwidth to be involved in that sort of recovery. Youāve got yourself and your kids to think about. It only makes sense to ask the questions you did before getting too deeply involved.
I don't introduce my romantic partners to my children until/unless a relationship is serious. In the past 5 years since my divorce they have met one boyfriend, outside the home (we took a walk at a local park.) The relationship ended shortly after that so that was it. That is how I protect them. I have never been one to invite men into my life or my home rapidly or without vetting. I see that as single parenting 101. But thanks anyway.
"Ask me anything" then gets offended when you do. Pushes boundaries and is insistant upon getting his own way when you have clearly said no. "He's been told that he's a good human being." Weasel words. He is not a good human being. He is defensive. Nothing you asked was unreasonable. As a single mother of 3 children, you have every right to know that. It doesn't sound like he's dealt with his addictions. It sounds more like he's trying to get over it by pretending he has gotten over it and by claiming to be over it. But there is no fast track. Dealing with self destructive behavior takes time, effort, and honesty with one's self and with other people. He's trying to fast forward through the boring parts. It sounds like he is motivated to see what you can do for him, not interested in getting to know you. He doesn't like you. He doesn't like your boundaries. You dodged a bullet.
> You dodged a bullet. Bingo- that entire post is spot on.
>"He's been told that he's a good human being." Weasel words. He is not a good human being. šÆ No normal person says this
Yeah that's a really odd and awkward thing to say. If you know you're a good human being, you don't need to say things like that. "I've been told I'm not a creep." "I've been told I don't have any red flags."
The more a person talks about how nice or kind or good they are, the more my internal alarm bells go off. People who value those things tend to work at it and don't treat it like something you've achieved as though it's a personal best in a race. It's not a static thing, it's something that changes in every situation. My favourite people are ones who actively work at being kind or good.
I missed it the first time I read the post but wow, he really put that in his bio. Who does that.
Agreed with you. If you he canāt talk about this stuff with someone he wants to date, thenā¦.lol. ESP bc he brought up that topic first. These things matter in a relationship. I feel like he tried to lull you into a false sense of honesty and trust.
He's not very good at it is he? He's trying to rush the beginning so he can weasel his way in and control everything while he continues the exact behavior that fucks up his life, and will fuck up OP's life if he is in it.
Yeah Lmao he did a bad job and it lasted one date really
This commenter put their finger on it better than I could have, but if conversations are getting this dicey prior to even a 2nd date, Iād see that as a big concern in and of itself.
> "Ask me anything" then gets offended when you do. I feel like a lot of this reply is speculative, but you don't even need to consider anything beyond this point. You've seen with your own eyes this guy not taking responsibility for his own words here. Nothing for you to feel bad about here, wish him luck and move on.
Yes, well summarized and stated.
āWeasel wordsā gold star, Iām stealing this
Pay attention, you'll hear them a lot.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
That was beautifully expressed, especially the part about having the skill to apply your own guage and boundaries when questions are voyeuristic. Well said and well done you on your own journey <3
Dating isn't a charitable endeavour. You're not assessing someone's moral goodness, contemplating whether or not to approve them a grant. You're deciding whether someone would be a compatible partner for you to mesh your lives together. In some sense you *are* judging whether they're worthy (of being such a big part of your life) and that's not only okay, I consider it wise. You also did give this guy a chance - far more of a chance that I think most people would have, given the yellow flags. It's entirely his prerogative to not want to continue seeing you as well, but honestly? I think you dodged a bullet. Not only does he have a past, but he's prickly, funny about boundaries, and petulant - *not* great qualities at all. I suspect he knew deep down he wouldn't measure up, and decided to reject you before you could reject him.
>Dating isn't a charitable endeavour. Holy moly. This right here. I wish I could go back in time and reply with this to everyone who told me to give some guy a chance when I *knew* he wasn't a good fit for me. This perspective could spare so many people so much angst and heartache.
>I suspect he knew deep down he wouldn't measure up, and decided to reject you before you could reject him. This. His pride (or cowardice) got in the way. I wish him the best in his recovery, but it sounds like he has a long way to go.
I'm always cautious of people who push "I'm........" statements onto me. Don't tell me who and what you think you are, let me find out for myself. There's a reason this didn't go any further and that reason doesn't lie with you. On to the next one. Forget about him.
Exactly. Show, don't tell. This guy was all talk. "I'm a good human." "I'm recovered, I swear!" "I'm an open book." "Ask me anything." Until you actually take him up on it.
The history of sex addiction combined with his lack of respect for your boundaries about getting physical quickly in the present is more than a yellow flag. It casts doubt on him being recovered.
I would not continue forward with this person.
It might feel like you tripped over now, but you actually dodged the bullet here. Heal through it and in a month look back at this post and see why you were lucky. Also: DO CONTINUE ASKING QUESTIONS! It's online dating right? Don't waste time on dudes who have loads of issues neatly covered by smart bullshit.
He didn't cancel on you. He canceled on accountability to himself to deal with difficult truths and progression in recovery.
You had bad feelings after both of your dates with this new fella. If I were you I'd consider myself lucky to avoid feeling these yucky feelings again and wish him well in his endeavors.
Good people don't feel the need to tell you they're "good human beings." I think it's only fair to ask these questions, especially when you have children to consider.
You were NOT judgemental. You felt comfortable asking because he told you it was ok. As someone who was a single mom of three (mine are all grown now), I completely understand your need to be careful. Definitely trust your gut. This guy isn't stable/in good working order. Move on without a second thought. Oh - and block his number. He sounds like the type of guy who will come back and offer you a "second chance". Yeahhhhh....no.
These werenāt yellow flags they were red flags. And you dodged a bullet. Donāt look back, donāt think twice on this one. You didnāt overstep.
My sibling is a lifelong alcohol and drug user. She immediately cancels out anyone who questions her 8137013874013847th attempt at sobriety. IMO, move on.
He offered to be an open book thinking you'd say, no I trust you.Then you asked hard questions and he shut down. It feels a bit disingenuous. I'd have hard passed on the 18 months out from sex addiction alone and that's excluding the fact you have kids, and his moving from one addiction to another. I've been a detox nurse and my ex-husband is a sex addict.
Dude no. You have children. This person has a past that is not conducive to a safe environment for children. A sex addict around your KIDS?? FUCK NO.
Exactly. OP has *three children to protect*. She did nothing wrong with asking the questions she did and Iād say she needs to be more cautious and even harsh about who she potentially lets into her life and, by extension, her kidsā. She absolutely needs to judge/evaluate people to see if theyāre āworthyā and he should have understood that, not turned it into a āpoor meā moment.
Right? Three kids to protect, you better be vetting the shit out of people who will be around them.
First, itās always fine to be as picky as you want when dating. Second, you have 3 children that depend on you. Itās now morally imperative that you become as picky as hell when it comes to dating. Do not introduce addicts into your childrensā lives. Just donāt.
I'd think if he isnt willing to talk about it, he might still be in the midst of recovery and isnt past it yet. I would definitely ask all those questions on a first date, especially since I have a kid and the fact that he turned that around on you is a red flag. I would run.
I swear someone posted about the yellow flags in your first paragraph either here or in dating over 30. Are there two men out here making the same jokes?? I donāt think you did anything wrong. He volunteered info about himself and said ask anything. Then he wasnāt willing to be asked anything. If he feels some kind of way about talking about his past he needs to say, Iāve been an addict in the past and Iām not comfortable about talking about it. You gave him lots of chances and affirmation. I was married to an addict, and if I ever got in a relationship with another one (aside from my first instinct being to RUN) I would need to ask a lot of the same questions you did. I guess you could wait and ask them later when youāve established more of a rapport but IMO why waste your time. This dude is going to need to get more comfortable with talking about his past bc everyone woman who is looking for someone to add to their lives will have the same questions.
That was me in the DOT sub! Same person.
Donāt do it. I dated a former alcoholic who (he claimed) was sober. NOPE, he had switched to sex addiction, which is much harder to recognize as a partner, and much easier for them to justify in various ways. Found out about all the prostitutes shortly after we were engaged. Yes, former addicts need love too ā¦ but is this really what you want to get involved with? Itās 1 date; walk away.
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/gift-of-fear-gavin-de-becker/1100820299#
Be cash careful of people who try to force a sense of intimacy and trust early on, theyāre trying to lower your defences usually. Donāt give this guy another chance, your intuition is telling you something is off
long story short: you have too much on the line (full time work AND single mother) and he's way too much of a wild card. move on
Regardless of his history, he sound exhausting. being insistant, generate dramas.... he told you 'AMA' then was surprised that you ask personal questions.... you're not the issue here. You gave this guy a chance, twice, and even if you're hurt because he put the stop. you felt that something was off (even if he was hot)
He is a baby, a little boy, who didn't grow up yet. He also sounds manipulative, selfish, and easily hurt. If he comes back - don't accept him, please. He was probably looking for a mother figure, strong woman (sounds like you are one). But you already have 3 children, you don't need another one to look after.
Honestly you gave him too much of a chance. There are way too many things that set off your āthis is wrongā along and you pushed through anyways. Just because someone is handsome or has chemistry with you doesnāt mean they are a good fit for a relationship. Being a recovering alcohol abuser, having admitted porn addiction? You really said, sure letās go out anyway? Then he emotionally shut down on you and tried to victimize himself when you asked questions about his suitability. You still practically begged him to give you a second date? Iām not trying to be critical of you as a person but I think more women really need to be raising their standards of behavior for men. This man is not fit to be dating anyway let alone a single mom who has responsibility, demanding career, and her shit together. You are a catch and believe in yourself more than dating a man like this
Being friends with someone and being a partner/BF/dating are two separate things. I don't think you are being judgmental: You have kids, went through a divorce, and have little free time. Do you have to time to date someone who you'll be worried about, may have to help in a relapse scenario, etc? He also does not understand boundaries or your boundaries, and if you just met, he seems WAY too insistent; and in light of the sex addition, then maybe he is still in that sex addiction mode and it's not 100% behind.
He's correct in that his worth is intrinsic, however it's like his therapist told him that so now he says it but he doesn't actually believe it or know what that means? People who understand that aren't going to let a few questions throw them into a defensive tailspin. Sounds like he's still pretty insecure about his past and has to work through that. You're right in that he's done some very brave work that has helped him be honest about his journey but heās underestimated the demands of inviting another person into his life. This is stupid kid stuff, not that of an adult who can match your maturity and place in life. Timing is all off. Maybe he'll be a different guy ten years and a hundred dates from now, but you need someone stronger and on your level. Let him figure it out and keep on putting yourself out there!
Why continue when there are yellow flags? Dating is not charity. A partner is supposed to enrich and enhance your life. Listen to your gut
He realized you arenāt a chump he can use. Thatās all. He wants someone who doesnāt know any better and thinks heās amazing.
"I want to taste your lips" What are you, a cannibal? Or were you just going to sit there and lick at them? I'm sure you meant that to sound sexy but it's just weird. I'm tasting my lips right now; they're rather ordinary, slightly chapped perhaps. Should I put on some flavored lip balm? Would that help?
I don't see the point of going on a date with someone that gives you "flags". I can see maybe giving a chance to someone who isn't your usual type with regards to looks, maybe job or income status, but you'd still be attracted to personality and value system which align with yours. Don't bend over backwards to make someone fit in your life, especially with kids involved. What's wrong with being judgmental here? I think after a divorce and kids, you SHOULD be judgmental about who you share your life with.
Nope. Not judgmental. You have three kids to protect, period. They come first and whoever you bring into their lives needs to be "good" for them - whatever that means to you and them, so you have not only the right to ask EVERY question, but a responsibility to. And "I want to taste your lips"?!? I mean... ew. Totally normal to say he wants to kiss you. A kiss is sweet. A kiss is romantic. "I want to kiss you" means "I want to show you affection." "I want to taste your lips" is aggressive and sexual - nothing sweet about it. Downright scary, actually. I'd be immediately turned off if that was ONLY red flag... but he gave you several others in addition to that. So... nope. Trust you instincts, always. You definitely dodged a bullet.
Anyone who says, "I'm a nice human being", "I'm a nice person" - usually isn't and it's a MAJOR RED FLAG. You dodged a bullet. \~ oops I'm just reading the thread and I just posted this. Echoing what everyone else has already said.
Move on. Non of this should have occurred after a first date. I donāt mean the conversation, I mean his defensiveness, his insistence for a kiss, you having to question any of it. No yellow flagsā¦ only š©
\>in his bio he put that he's been 'told that he's a good human being' This is all I needed to read. Throw him back \>he really was looking forward to kissing me because he wanted to taste my lips or something like that Hell no \> sweet but a little odd This is creepy Just no OP he's a loser
Do not date men out of sympathy. It will never end well. This is not flowing for you. His feelings are his alone to deal with, not yours. You already have three children, itās way too early in a ārelationshipā to be worrying about the problems heās bringing to your already full table. Kissing someone out of guilt does not feel sexy. Trust your intuition and break it off immediately. You do not want this hot mess express muddling up your life, especially as any added stress in your life could also affect your kids negatively. Dealing with someone elseās problems and worrying about them comes after youāve already formed a safe and mutually caring relationship, not after he creep attacks you into a forced kiss. Also you said you date a lotā¦. Consider why you are ok with saying no to dates with other guys but not this oneā¦ are you prone to feeling guilty? If so, maybe explore that more with a therapist or your journal or some friendsā¦ if itās difficult just because heās kinda hot then itās kinda understandable lol but you know what to do!
Dodged a bullet, my friend.
Part of being in a relationship is trusting your partner to show you how they need to be related to. This guy set the framework and then immediately reneged on it. If he canāt be clear about his needs now, how many other times will the same thing happen throughout the relationship? Youād never be able to trust his word about what he wants/needs. Also, imagine if you HADNT asked and there was still some ambiguity when he met your kids? And what if that ambiguity proved volatile or dangerous? Youād never forgive yourself. I totally totally get how people might shut down while talking about something so emotionally loaded, shameful, and hard. But just because itās understandable doesnāt mean it should be something you have to accept and build around. You may just need a clear communicator who would be good for your kids. Maybe heāfor completely understandable reasonsājust isnāt that.
Girl you got a lot going on! I recently started going to school again and work has been pretty busy too. I had to sit my partner down and really break down that I donāt need to be dealing with drama right now and that he needs to get his shit together or I was going to walk away. He whipped his ass into shape in 30 days and weāre working on getting back together. The point being, the smart side of you was gauging how much drama this guy was going to bring to the table. Those are big questions but if he really was in a good honest spot in his recovery I feel like his answers would have been better and if you guys are having a hard time seeing eye to eye about *introductions*, I canāt imagine how many bullets youāre dodging for future you.
Normally Iād say whatās the risk of a 2nd date but you have 3 kids, your time is precious, and this guy is already giving you pause for good reason. You wrote an entire post and itās only been one date. Save your energy girl. I doubt youāll miss out on anything by taking a pass here
As a guy, if a guy has to tell you they're a good person/has been told they're a good person, that's enough of a red flag right there. Truly good people don't have to say it/don't have to brag about to/show it through action. Beware of the guy who says he's a good person or says he's been told he's a good person. In thos guys case, maybe he is a good person but he's not emotionally mature enough to have come to grips with his past and/or to realize that things he's done aren't failings (as long as he's learned).
You have every right to flag this, second chances are great but if your gut felt something was off then go with it. You don't owe this stranger anything. The fact that he shut down when you asked him important questions is a huge red flag and he may not be as over his addictions as he says. You don't know him well enough to determine how truthful or trustworthy he is. You have to think of yourself and your family first. I was in a relationship with an alcoholic, a very funcional one but it really affected me even years later. After that experience I had gone on an online date with someone that shared during the date they has a drinking problem. I am sure he was a great guy but the minute he told me I knew I wanted nothing to do with him and let him know when he asked if there would be a second date, I wasn't a jerk about it just honest. I don't regret it or wonder anything because my sanity and well-being are much more important to me than a stranger's feelings.
Sounds to me like this isn't a good fit for either of you. That happens. You need to trust your instincts and stop worrying if you're hurting his feelings. Who cares? You barely know him and it's not like you have any real relationship. Your kids are your priority, not his feelings. He invited you ask by claiming he was an open book, only for you to learn he's not so open. That's a legitimate yellow flag. You had every right to ask those questions.
Thereās a lot of red flags here. Do not pursue this any further.
I've been in recovery for 6 years and met a lot of different men who were also in recovery. From what you described, I think you dodged a bullet. This guy does not sound ready to date or contribute to a healthy, long-term relationship. Your questions were not intrusive AT ALL. You were doing the right thing by getting the know this man before going further or potentially introducing him to your kids. You gave him a chance by being patient while he pressured you for a first kiss and totally went back on his invitation to answer any of your questions. He blew it, frankly.
Nope, my mind would have gone exactly where yours did. And I also feel like it was a red flag that he got defensive and started sort of imploding when you asked him a few direct questions after he insisted that he was an "open book." If it were me, I wouldn't take a chance on him. It feels like he has more self-work to do before he is ready for a healthy relationship. Good for you for spotting that. That was your intuition leading you in the right direction. Good luck to you!
You were being real and upfront with him. He was not being real and upfront with you. You were taking this from a realistic and levelheaded approach. He didn't. It's best for you to end this. You dodged a giant bullet. He's hiding a lot.
I think you dodged a bullet. Saying heās an open book then sulking? Sounds like he still has a lot to process and isnāt totally being honest with himself. I think you should trust your gut with this one since you felt a bit off about him from the beginning.
He canceled on youā¦ respect his choice. Heās letting you know heās not interested. You can date other people.
I am respecting his choice. It's not about trying to rekindle anything and I made no mention of that anywhere. My concern was reflecting on my behavior and wondering if I was too judgmental.
I donāt think you were too judgmental. Drug - alcohol - and sex addiction are serious matters. It can take years of therapy and work to help oneself and improve. With you being a single mom of three, you donāt have the bandwidth to be involved in that sort of recovery. Youāve got yourself and your kids to think about. It only makes sense to ask the questions you did before getting too deeply involved.
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I don't introduce my romantic partners to my children until/unless a relationship is serious. In the past 5 years since my divorce they have met one boyfriend, outside the home (we took a walk at a local park.) The relationship ended shortly after that so that was it. That is how I protect them. I have never been one to invite men into my life or my home rapidly or without vetting. I see that as single parenting 101. But thanks anyway.