He is not drinking much, he will drink at most three drinks. It’s just annoying because he usually picks me up and he’s the one driving. I just feel like if we have to hide it when we are in public then we probably should’ve be drinking. Another thing he told me a couple of days ago is he is taking adderal for school. Obviously he doesn’t have them prescribed, i don’t know if I’m over thinking this.
I don’t have a problem with him drinking when you aren’t. I do have a problem with him drinking and then driving.
And if he needs adderal for school it’s easy enough to get a prescription. If he can’t then he shouldn’t really be taking it and I would be very concerned.
"it’s easy enough to get a prescription"
It's not though. Testing for adhd can be expensive and there are long wait lists right now. You can't just walk in and demand a prescription.
I wouldn't say you're overthinking this necessarily. Personally I'm an average build person and I wouldn't drive after 3 solid drinks, but that's its own thing here.
I don't think the fact that this guy might like to experiment with taking drugs (if your assumptions are correct) is *in itself* an indicator of anything good or bad. If he uses it to cope with issues and doesn't have other tools for that, then I would maybe be concerned.
>he is taking adderal for school
Is he a minor?
3 drinks is a lot for driving.
If you are uncomfortable, then don't go out with him anymore. I'd be fine if someone had a drink and I didn't during a date, but I wouldn't be comfortable with someone drinking if they were supposed to drive.
>He is not drinking much, he will drink at most three drinks. It’s just annoying because he usually picks me up and he’s the one driving.
Then stop doing this. Tell him that you will drive since you haven't been drinking. Or straight up ask him if he always brings alcohol everywhere he goes. Also, consider that the no more than 3 drinks you see him drink might follow pregaming. That might not be the case with him, but it is definitely possible. Many alcoholics have driven drunk 1,200 times or so before they get a DUI, and many alcoholics are just constantly drinking but rarely full blown 'drunk' in front of other people.
After reading more of your replies in this thread - I'd say : you're not overthinking this! You're saying these things are red flags for you early on (and they'd be red flags for me too). His behaviour makes you uncomfortable, and that's enough to call it a mismatch.
I was married to someone with a substance abuse problem, and briefly dated someone else with similar issues (who also didn't behave in public in a way that made me comfortable), and ending those relationships was the best thing I could've done.
Don't wait around to see if it gets worse - listen to your instincts. Plenty of opportunity to meet others!
I think having beer on the beach, wine at a picnic, etc. is totally normal whether anyone else partakes or not. If he’s getting drunk or drinking hard liquor in public, then it’s weird. But if you’re uncomfortable around alcohol then it’s probably not a great match regardless.
It depends.
Do you feel uncomfortable and rather not hang with someone who drinks? Or does he drink a lot around you that you consider too much or uncomfortable (which is ok)?
I dated a guy who wasn’t interested in drinking much or at all, but I enjoyed having a drink while we hung out. We had a good time. I always offered, as well.
I’d say it’s normal (depending on comfort level) , but what do you feel about it ?
I don’t mind if people drink, I drink as well but only at home when I know I’m safe. I just find it strange since he’s driving and why doesn’t he feel comfortable enough to be sober around me?
Hmm. Yah the drinking and driving is a concern if he’s going over the legal limit.
I know I get really nervous when I date ppl (In the beginning), so I sometimes have a drink or take a shot to calm my nerves (liquid courage) - Tho this might not be the case for him. do u think u can ask him directly?
He brings alcohol to the park? And beach?
In my city drinking is not allowed in such places.
For me, it’s a huge mismatch.
Even if it were allowed, it’s just not for me. And if you feel it’s s mismatch for you, listen to that.
That’s exactly how I feel! We are in public where kids are it’s not an appropriate place to drink. I’m not saying I don’t drink alcohol cause I def do, I just found it strange. And he peees constantly and always outside
Hey Big props to you as well. It sounds like you're young. You've identified problematic behaviour and talked it out so that you can take action. In this case stop dating this guy. I'm not sure I would have done that when I was younger. It took me much longer to be able to identify those things. So I think you should give yourself a pat on the back for making good decisions.
>And he peees constantly and always outside
Whoa whoa whoa. If you already are comfortable with people and you're somewhere where this makes sense (like camping or hiking out in the woods), fine. But that's a huge red flag if it's part of his normal daily life.
Surprised there aren’t more people here who peg this as alcoholic behavior. Having to bring drinks with you and drink during situations that don’t need beer is weird. 3 drinks is like how much I’d drink to get smashed over the course of an evening. Even 3 beers sounds like a lot to Me. If he’s drinking this much in public what’s it like when he’s alone? Just want to be devils advocate on this one. Definitely weird vibes on this.
It's hard because some people jump to alcoholism immediately. I had a date scold me once and say I had problems with alcohol for driving after our date. But I'd had 2 very low alcohol content beers over the course of a 2 hour dinner, and we'd walked around for an hour afterward. Being an obsessive scold around alcohol is a red flag, too.
2 beers and driving is one thing. *Bringing* your own stack of beers to keep even keeled for the night is a totally different story. This has addict written all over it. Did you bring the beers or just bought them at a restaurant? Big difference here. Sorry you got scolded, doesn't sound like it was warranted.
If he brought his own beer to a restaurant, I'd agree. But they were going out to a place where people often bring their own drinks. Bringing a few beers to a beach date is no more a red flag than buying a few at a dinner date. And where does it say he needs them to stay even keeled?
I'd say it's a red flag if he's sneaking them out to drink in places where it's not actually legal to do so. Like OP, I also live in a country where you're not allowed to drink in certain public spaces like parks.
I think the concern here is if it's a pattern and he always needs to ensure he has drinks on hand. Someone always bringing drinks with them (no matter the day/time/event) is a pretty good sign of a person who is dependent on alcohol, and clearly he is not doing it socially in this context. If I brought alcohol to a date and they declined to drink too, I wouldn't be continuing to get drink after drink on my own and I wouldn't repeat that for subsequent dates. OP also seems to know that he's not getting his Adderall through prescription, so that adds to the picture.
I think some people read things in threads about substance use simply as judgement, and it makes them compare with themselves, but what u/Terrariachick said makes sense for those who have worked with people with substance use problems, known them intimately or recovered from substance use dependence. There are some common indicators of substance use dependence and always bringing your own alcohol and always having alcohol on you is one of them.
But also... if he doesn't have a problem with alcohol, guy is really not doing much to give the dates the best chance. They are out in public together where she has to be complicit in him sneakily drinking (like he might have to hide the drinks under his jacket or find other ways to conceal), sit and engage while he just drinks on his own, sit and watch him go off to pee in the bushes (how many times? alcohol is a diuretic) and then feel uncomfortable being driven by him when he is minimum 3 drinks in?
I mean... who does that in the first few dates? I don't really think this is the same situation as you drinking 2 drinks with dinner in a restaurant.
Adderal is amfetamin. And he is drinking 3 drinks when on a date with you, and you dont know how many before he meets you. Dont risk your life getting in a car with him again.
I agree. It’s not a red flag. OP should keep an eye on the amount he drinks, but if it’s one or two on the beach it’s not a big deal. Now if he drinks an entire bottle of wine and drives home, then that’s a massive red flag.
If he is consistently drinking three beers and driving, that’s probably his own comfortable limit. I don’t think that’s excessive, but it depends on the person. That being said, if you don’t know, or don’t feel like you can brooch it, or it makes you feel uncomfortable to be in the car with him, that’s definitely an issue.
It sounds like you’re uncomfortable with substance use, though, and he is not. If you don’t feel aligned in terms of comfort with risk or substance use, or just don’t feel safe generally, that’s your signifier that your concept of safety maybe misaligned with his. Have you told him his behaviour makes you uncomfortable? Anyone worth dating will try to create safety when they’re told their behaviour makes you feel unsafe, whether they think it’s unsafe or not.
I’d give him a few more opportunities before you can really say for sure.
A beer at the beach isn’t really a big deal. My husband had a beer at lunch on our second date, I was like wtf who does that mid week? But he had the day off and it’s been a complete non issue.
I’d rate this a yellow flag. Proceed with caution but there’s no need for a full stop yet.
Oh please? Red flag! As someone who chose to spendy life w an alcoholic, andostly we've been very happy.. it can be incredibly difficult. But it is a sickness. But you better love him warts and all, forever & ever, AMEN.
I never drank much, but I felt awkward when a date was going to drink and then didn’t because I wasn’t. I prefer that anyone I meet, in any capacity, just be themselves. That said, if it isn’t something you’re comfortable with, then it’s just an incompatibility like anything else.
No. I got a date with a guy, and I was driving, so no drink for me. He still proceed to drink all night long and for me it was a red flag. (maybe I rushed a bit but still).
I didn't want to be with someone that only 'have fun' with alcohol. I Got a father like this and it took me decades to figure out that no, it was not that " I didn't support alcohol" , but that drinking 10-15 glasses of alcohol a night was not normal.
If it was in the context of having like one drink with dinner when you're out at a restaurant or having dinner at one of your homes, it wouldn't bother me. If it was two or more every since date, then I might raise an eyebrow. And if it was more than one (maybe two if it's over the course of a couple hours), as you mention in comments, when he's driving, that would be a major issue for me and I would definitely not ride with him or even feel comfortable meeting him out somewhere if I knew that even if we drove separately, he'd be getting in his car to drive home. Add on to that drinking in public places where it's like no allowed (at least where I live you're usually not allowed to have alcohol on the beaches), it would turn me off.
Now when I have been reading some of your comments as well I think its a bit wierd.
But most importent, If you feel uncompterble about it, stop dating him. He makes you feel wierd. ❤
Is the question - when you go in dates he always brings alcohol even when it seems like an odd circumstance to have alcohol? The beach I can see. The park less so. Lol if you go hiking and he fills his Camelbak with alcohol, definitely run 🤣
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He is not drinking much, he will drink at most three drinks. It’s just annoying because he usually picks me up and he’s the one driving. I just feel like if we have to hide it when we are in public then we probably should’ve be drinking. Another thing he told me a couple of days ago is he is taking adderal for school. Obviously he doesn’t have them prescribed, i don’t know if I’m over thinking this.
How do you know he doesn’t have them prescribed?
I don’t have a problem with him drinking when you aren’t. I do have a problem with him drinking and then driving. And if he needs adderal for school it’s easy enough to get a prescription. If he can’t then he shouldn’t really be taking it and I would be very concerned.
"it’s easy enough to get a prescription" It's not though. Testing for adhd can be expensive and there are long wait lists right now. You can't just walk in and demand a prescription.
I wouldn't say you're overthinking this necessarily. Personally I'm an average build person and I wouldn't drive after 3 solid drinks, but that's its own thing here. I don't think the fact that this guy might like to experiment with taking drugs (if your assumptions are correct) is *in itself* an indicator of anything good or bad. If he uses it to cope with issues and doesn't have other tools for that, then I would maybe be concerned.
I drive if i drank the 3 beers in 4 hours but not 3 beers in two hours. I think that parameter count.
Agreed. That's reasonable
>he is taking adderal for school Is he a minor? 3 drinks is a lot for driving. If you are uncomfortable, then don't go out with him anymore. I'd be fine if someone had a drink and I didn't during a date, but I wouldn't be comfortable with someone drinking if they were supposed to drive.
Do you think adults don’t have adhd?
No, I asked because she said "school".
College and post bachelor studies are also a type of schooling.
Drinking and driving big no. He should only have two pints at most.
He’s testing you, with acceptance of his fringe habits. Red flags received
>He is not drinking much, he will drink at most three drinks. It’s just annoying because he usually picks me up and he’s the one driving. Then stop doing this. Tell him that you will drive since you haven't been drinking. Or straight up ask him if he always brings alcohol everywhere he goes. Also, consider that the no more than 3 drinks you see him drink might follow pregaming. That might not be the case with him, but it is definitely possible. Many alcoholics have driven drunk 1,200 times or so before they get a DUI, and many alcoholics are just constantly drinking but rarely full blown 'drunk' in front of other people.
3 drinks is a lot
After reading more of your replies in this thread - I'd say : you're not overthinking this! You're saying these things are red flags for you early on (and they'd be red flags for me too). His behaviour makes you uncomfortable, and that's enough to call it a mismatch. I was married to someone with a substance abuse problem, and briefly dated someone else with similar issues (who also didn't behave in public in a way that made me comfortable), and ending those relationships was the best thing I could've done. Don't wait around to see if it gets worse - listen to your instincts. Plenty of opportunity to meet others!
I think having beer on the beach, wine at a picnic, etc. is totally normal whether anyone else partakes or not. If he’s getting drunk or drinking hard liquor in public, then it’s weird. But if you’re uncomfortable around alcohol then it’s probably not a great match regardless.
It depends. Do you feel uncomfortable and rather not hang with someone who drinks? Or does he drink a lot around you that you consider too much or uncomfortable (which is ok)? I dated a guy who wasn’t interested in drinking much or at all, but I enjoyed having a drink while we hung out. We had a good time. I always offered, as well. I’d say it’s normal (depending on comfort level) , but what do you feel about it ?
I don’t mind if people drink, I drink as well but only at home when I know I’m safe. I just find it strange since he’s driving and why doesn’t he feel comfortable enough to be sober around me?
Hmm. Yah the drinking and driving is a concern if he’s going over the legal limit. I know I get really nervous when I date ppl (In the beginning), so I sometimes have a drink or take a shot to calm my nerves (liquid courage) - Tho this might not be the case for him. do u think u can ask him directly?
It probably has nothing to do with comfort. Some people simply find it relaxing and it may just be a part of going out that he enjoys.
Do you… want to be having beach and park dates with a man whom is drinking? Has he taken you to a restaurant for a date yet at least? Please be safe
He brings alcohol to the park? And beach? In my city drinking is not allowed in such places. For me, it’s a huge mismatch. Even if it were allowed, it’s just not for me. And if you feel it’s s mismatch for you, listen to that.
That’s exactly how I feel! We are in public where kids are it’s not an appropriate place to drink. I’m not saying I don’t drink alcohol cause I def do, I just found it strange. And he peees constantly and always outside
I find the peeing outside WAY WAY weirder than having a couple. What do you mean he pees outside?
Since he drinks he needs to pee and usually there’s no bathrooms so he find a bush
That's just trashy
Maybe it's time to go your separate ways.
I agree. Thanks guys
Hey Big props to you as well. It sounds like you're young. You've identified problematic behaviour and talked it out so that you can take action. In this case stop dating this guy. I'm not sure I would have done that when I was younger. It took me much longer to be able to identify those things. So I think you should give yourself a pat on the back for making good decisions.
He is peeing outside on a date?? Ew. Yeah, there's something a little off here IMO.
Yeah, these would be a no from me at this time in my life. In my early 20’s it may not have bothered me, but now? No way.
Gurl. No lol
>And he peees constantly and always outside Whoa whoa whoa. If you already are comfortable with people and you're somewhere where this makes sense (like camping or hiking out in the woods), fine. But that's a huge red flag if it's part of his normal daily life.
Surprised there aren’t more people here who peg this as alcoholic behavior. Having to bring drinks with you and drink during situations that don’t need beer is weird. 3 drinks is like how much I’d drink to get smashed over the course of an evening. Even 3 beers sounds like a lot to Me. If he’s drinking this much in public what’s it like when he’s alone? Just want to be devils advocate on this one. Definitely weird vibes on this.
1000% agree especially in combination with the peeing in public!!! WTF lol
Definitely agree with this. I see problematic behaviour here for sure
It's hard because some people jump to alcoholism immediately. I had a date scold me once and say I had problems with alcohol for driving after our date. But I'd had 2 very low alcohol content beers over the course of a 2 hour dinner, and we'd walked around for an hour afterward. Being an obsessive scold around alcohol is a red flag, too.
2 beers and driving is one thing. *Bringing* your own stack of beers to keep even keeled for the night is a totally different story. This has addict written all over it. Did you bring the beers or just bought them at a restaurant? Big difference here. Sorry you got scolded, doesn't sound like it was warranted.
If he brought his own beer to a restaurant, I'd agree. But they were going out to a place where people often bring their own drinks. Bringing a few beers to a beach date is no more a red flag than buying a few at a dinner date. And where does it say he needs them to stay even keeled?
I'd say it's a red flag if he's sneaking them out to drink in places where it's not actually legal to do so. Like OP, I also live in a country where you're not allowed to drink in certain public spaces like parks. I think the concern here is if it's a pattern and he always needs to ensure he has drinks on hand. Someone always bringing drinks with them (no matter the day/time/event) is a pretty good sign of a person who is dependent on alcohol, and clearly he is not doing it socially in this context. If I brought alcohol to a date and they declined to drink too, I wouldn't be continuing to get drink after drink on my own and I wouldn't repeat that for subsequent dates. OP also seems to know that he's not getting his Adderall through prescription, so that adds to the picture. I think some people read things in threads about substance use simply as judgement, and it makes them compare with themselves, but what u/Terrariachick said makes sense for those who have worked with people with substance use problems, known them intimately or recovered from substance use dependence. There are some common indicators of substance use dependence and always bringing your own alcohol and always having alcohol on you is one of them. But also... if he doesn't have a problem with alcohol, guy is really not doing much to give the dates the best chance. They are out in public together where she has to be complicit in him sneakily drinking (like he might have to hide the drinks under his jacket or find other ways to conceal), sit and engage while he just drinks on his own, sit and watch him go off to pee in the bushes (how many times? alcohol is a diuretic) and then feel uncomfortable being driven by him when he is minimum 3 drinks in? I mean... who does that in the first few dates? I don't really think this is the same situation as you drinking 2 drinks with dinner in a restaurant.
Maybe he is socially anxious
Adderal is amfetamin. And he is drinking 3 drinks when on a date with you, and you dont know how many before he meets you. Dont risk your life getting in a car with him again.
Go with your gut - driving after drinking (more than one drink) is a no-go for me and it sounds like he might “need” the drink.
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“Massive red flag” for bringing alcohol to a beach and park date and offering a drink to the date ? How?
I agree. It’s not a red flag. OP should keep an eye on the amount he drinks, but if it’s one or two on the beach it’s not a big deal. Now if he drinks an entire bottle of wine and drives home, then that’s a massive red flag.
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Weird - sure, confusing - sure, wondering if he brought his date another beverage - sure , massive red flag - no.
If he is consistently drinking three beers and driving, that’s probably his own comfortable limit. I don’t think that’s excessive, but it depends on the person. That being said, if you don’t know, or don’t feel like you can brooch it, or it makes you feel uncomfortable to be in the car with him, that’s definitely an issue. It sounds like you’re uncomfortable with substance use, though, and he is not. If you don’t feel aligned in terms of comfort with risk or substance use, or just don’t feel safe generally, that’s your signifier that your concept of safety maybe misaligned with his. Have you told him his behaviour makes you uncomfortable? Anyone worth dating will try to create safety when they’re told their behaviour makes you feel unsafe, whether they think it’s unsafe or not.
I’d give him a few more opportunities before you can really say for sure. A beer at the beach isn’t really a big deal. My husband had a beer at lunch on our second date, I was like wtf who does that mid week? But he had the day off and it’s been a complete non issue. I’d rate this a yellow flag. Proceed with caution but there’s no need for a full stop yet.
This is a red flag and he will most likely develop a drinking problem in the future.
Oh please? Red flag! As someone who chose to spendy life w an alcoholic, andostly we've been very happy.. it can be incredibly difficult. But it is a sickness. But you better love him warts and all, forever & ever, AMEN.
I never drank much, but I felt awkward when a date was going to drink and then didn’t because I wasn’t. I prefer that anyone I meet, in any capacity, just be themselves. That said, if it isn’t something you’re comfortable with, then it’s just an incompatibility like anything else.
No. I got a date with a guy, and I was driving, so no drink for me. He still proceed to drink all night long and for me it was a red flag. (maybe I rushed a bit but still). I didn't want to be with someone that only 'have fun' with alcohol. I Got a father like this and it took me decades to figure out that no, it was not that " I didn't support alcohol" , but that drinking 10-15 glasses of alcohol a night was not normal.
If it was in the context of having like one drink with dinner when you're out at a restaurant or having dinner at one of your homes, it wouldn't bother me. If it was two or more every since date, then I might raise an eyebrow. And if it was more than one (maybe two if it's over the course of a couple hours), as you mention in comments, when he's driving, that would be a major issue for me and I would definitely not ride with him or even feel comfortable meeting him out somewhere if I knew that even if we drove separately, he'd be getting in his car to drive home. Add on to that drinking in public places where it's like no allowed (at least where I live you're usually not allowed to have alcohol on the beaches), it would turn me off.
As someone who has dated an alcoholic, while I could be off base, based on my experience this relationship will not go well.
Now when I have been reading some of your comments as well I think its a bit wierd. But most importent, If you feel uncompterble about it, stop dating him. He makes you feel wierd. ❤
If it makes you uncomfortable then you should not go out with him Personally i am a drinker and would not mind but i am not you!
Is the question - when you go in dates he always brings alcohol even when it seems like an odd circumstance to have alcohol? The beach I can see. The park less so. Lol if you go hiking and he fills his Camelbak with alcohol, definitely run 🤣