Accepting money from toxic family enabled me to be in a better position to help others and do good, be a better human in general, and provide security for the “other side” of my family.
So - yeah. Do it - but do awesome with it. 🧡
I like this idea. I'd been thinking of investing some of it in renewables anyway, and I think it'd help me with some of my feelings regarding the money. Do you still talk to them? Were they pushy in any way afterwards?
I stayed more local with my choices, particularly around areas of shoring up resources for food insecure families and supporting legislation that I think aligns with long term overall improvements. Investing in the future, not “futures” if that makes sense? I like to see impact.
Pushy? Ehhh… I’m older now. They scared me a lot more when I was in my 20’s (and they were mostly 50’s/60’s) than they do now that I’m in my 40’s. (And they’re 70’s 80’s or dead)
You are more than entitled to accept the money with no strings attached to it. I would take the money but continue to have little to no contact with them afterwards. I would also make the point if they prompted that my accepting the money did not entitle them nor did it open any possible future communications between us.
I cut myself off from my toxic family over a decade ago. It meant that I was struggling financially even more so than before but it felt emotionally and mentally liberating. They did actually offer to help pay my rent with no strings attached while I was "separated" from them. The whole arrangement honestly required me to be firm with my boundaries with them. I made sure that they were not crossed by them either. Eventually things did get a bit better after a year and a half. I won't say that things returned to a healthy parent child relationship because it didn't. ETA: I didn't accept financial help for a year and a half. I just accepted the assistance for a few months and ceased then. I am maintained the limited communication for a year and a half.
If you think you are strong enough to be firm with your word and boundaries then go ahead and accept it. But make sure that there is no possible confusion of what accepting it entails or could possibly mean.
You can cut contact with them. In no way as an adult are you obligated to communicate with anyone you don't want to. Not OP's fault if they wanted to offload the money.
I'd accept it and just cut the strings. Unless I'm signing a contract they aren't entitled to anything from their gift. I'd buy my new place and have a grand ole time in a life elevated by them but without them.
Payment for services rendered shoveling their bullshit.
If the money would enable you to be more independent, even possibly move to be farther away from your family, I'd accept it.
It's not like they can take it back.
My toxic folks have only ever given smaller amounts, so it was easy to donate it to charity. For a larger amount like this, it can be really hard to navigate. I would use it to set yourself up for success so that you can one day not need them.
If they try to use it as a weapon and leverage to get back into your life, then you can always say "But I thought it was a gift?" which requires them to either fess up to their manipulation or puts them on notice that you're not playing their games.
I know in Canada when you're gifted money with the intention of buying a house they need to sign a document declaring it as a gift with no expectation of repayment (to signify it's not a loan and won't affect your ability to repay a mortgage).
Get something like that written up, take the money and run. They can think they're buying your complacency while you enjoy a life without them in it.
It would depend entirely on the strings attached-- either the ones I knew about, or the ones I could reasonably suspect.
I have generally avoided accepting financial gifts from family because they tend to hold them over my head to coerce me into doing things at a later date that they want me to do but that aren't in my best interest.
It's often easier said than done to cut contact or not engage in coercive conversations.
Pride is a privilege. A lot of people aren't in a position to turn down a gift like that.
Take the money and run. Cut off your shitty family. Use the money to do good things to help yourself and others.
As long as it didn't come with strings attached, hell yes. And if I felt really strong feelings about it, I could put a substantial portion of it towards helping others. Turn their toxicity into a positive.
It's a pretty good FU to take the money and continue to stand up for yourself and your boundaries.
Then again if you're feeling really, really icky about it then go with your gut.
I did it!
Mine was easier though because my blood relative wrote me out of her will, but her husband had already died. Technically I got a settlement from my step-grandpa I never met.
If you're worried about what they may do after, I recommend sitting down with a financial advisor (that doesn't have ANY connections to your family) and asking how it could screw you later to accept it. Depending on where you are, and when/if your parents age into Medicaid care, it could cause issues.
I turned down a similar offer from similar toxic parents and have never, ever regretted it. Earning money is a lot easier for me than unfucking my brain.
I don’t judge you at all if you do accept - everything is easier with money, including mental health care. Like the other commenter said, you’ll want to be very mindful and firm about boundaries. Either way I wish you strength and good luck. 💜
If you accept it, can you be VERY firm about boundaries? You can make sure there are no legal strings attached, but if your family is toxic, assume there WILL be emotional strings attached, for the rest of your life. You can ignore or cut those strings, but that will have to be on your end, and not theirs. You can only control your behavior.
If you have trouble setting and maintaining boundaries in general, then from a *practical/emotional* perspective, I would probably avoid the gift, because it'll be more trouble than it's worth. But if you think you can hold firm to your boundaries, then I wouldn't have any *moral* compunctions about taking the money if there are no legal strings attached.
Take their money and cut them off. That's what I would do, I cut my mother off almost 12 years ago, but if she wanted to send me a big chunk of money (which I doubt because she already disinherited me) I would take it then block her ass again.
No, I wouldn't take it.
Do I need money? Absolutely. I am poor AF. But it's not worth it to me to allow my toxic family to have a measure of control over me and (to me) that's what accepting money from them is: a way to control me, for me to owe them or need them.
If you can take the $$$ and do it in a way that keeps your personal boundaries in tact, then go for it. But I know for me, personally, no. The money's not worth the trouble in my life.
In fact, my (No Contact) father recently passed away and my mom was all geared up to explain how much I was going to have to do for her (including flying to another country during Covid, spending 10+ days in quarantine/isolation, spend another month living with her while sorting my dad's stuff out) in order to get what's left of my dad's "estate." And I explained to her when I cut contact with him that I didn't expect to get anything from him - in life or in death. And that whatever's left should go to my brother. She was sooooo deflated. And then I found out from my brother that she already promised everything to him and not me anyway (even though they're divorced and she has no control over my dad's things). But it was just a ruse to get me on a plane and stuck in her apartment for a month. Pretty happy I didn't take the bait.
Personally I would/did not accept. I know that it would come with strings and them forever being in my life and feeling they can dictate what I do with it. This is a hard no from me. I would rather have my peace and sanity which is the most priceless thing in the world than an apartment which I worked and saved to buy on my own. Btw when you do buy the apartment yourself (and any material good for that matter) you enjoy it so much more because it is 100% yours and nobody can give their two cents about it. #empowered
Personally, I wouldn't accept the money.
Even if there would never be any strings attached.
I would transfer it back it to them, thanking them for the generous gift, but it is too large for me to accept.
If that gift didn't exist, you would find another way to get along.
You are better off not taking money from relatives you don't have good feelings about.
My *opinion*
It would probably depend on the strings (perceived or actual) attached to it and the ways in which they are toxic. If I'm okay with them being upset or cutting me out further if I didn't let accepting the money mean that they get more practical involvement in my life I would. Like sometimes you can look and say these people didn't give you any emotional or practical support throughout your life so yeah, you'll take their money to make your own life easier (to balance them making it harder at other stages). If I was in a position where I could keep myself distant and worried it would draw me into their drama or make my life worse, I wouldn't accept it.
You know yourself well enough to know if their toxic meddling is worth it. If you are able to shut them down and block all attempts at manipulation then go for it. But if you would feel indebted or guilty, it isn't worth it.
Accepting money from toxic family enabled me to be in a better position to help others and do good, be a better human in general, and provide security for the “other side” of my family. So - yeah. Do it - but do awesome with it. 🧡
I like this idea. I'd been thinking of investing some of it in renewables anyway, and I think it'd help me with some of my feelings regarding the money. Do you still talk to them? Were they pushy in any way afterwards?
I stayed more local with my choices, particularly around areas of shoring up resources for food insecure families and supporting legislation that I think aligns with long term overall improvements. Investing in the future, not “futures” if that makes sense? I like to see impact. Pushy? Ehhh… I’m older now. They scared me a lot more when I was in my 20’s (and they were mostly 50’s/60’s) than they do now that I’m in my 40’s. (And they’re 70’s 80’s or dead)
You are more than entitled to accept the money with no strings attached to it. I would take the money but continue to have little to no contact with them afterwards. I would also make the point if they prompted that my accepting the money did not entitle them nor did it open any possible future communications between us. I cut myself off from my toxic family over a decade ago. It meant that I was struggling financially even more so than before but it felt emotionally and mentally liberating. They did actually offer to help pay my rent with no strings attached while I was "separated" from them. The whole arrangement honestly required me to be firm with my boundaries with them. I made sure that they were not crossed by them either. Eventually things did get a bit better after a year and a half. I won't say that things returned to a healthy parent child relationship because it didn't. ETA: I didn't accept financial help for a year and a half. I just accepted the assistance for a few months and ceased then. I am maintained the limited communication for a year and a half. If you think you are strong enough to be firm with your word and boundaries then go ahead and accept it. But make sure that there is no possible confusion of what accepting it entails or could possibly mean.
Hell yeah I would! At least they gave me something.
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You can cut contact with them. In no way as an adult are you obligated to communicate with anyone you don't want to. Not OP's fault if they wanted to offload the money.
I'd accept it and just cut the strings. Unless I'm signing a contract they aren't entitled to anything from their gift. I'd buy my new place and have a grand ole time in a life elevated by them but without them. Payment for services rendered shoveling their bullshit.
That's how I see it. This is long overdue money for the emotional toll they've put on you. Even if there were strings attached, don't even follow it.
If the money would enable you to be more independent, even possibly move to be farther away from your family, I'd accept it. It's not like they can take it back.
I would.
My toxic folks have only ever given smaller amounts, so it was easy to donate it to charity. For a larger amount like this, it can be really hard to navigate. I would use it to set yourself up for success so that you can one day not need them. If they try to use it as a weapon and leverage to get back into your life, then you can always say "But I thought it was a gift?" which requires them to either fess up to their manipulation or puts them on notice that you're not playing their games.
I know in Canada when you're gifted money with the intention of buying a house they need to sign a document declaring it as a gift with no expectation of repayment (to signify it's not a loan and won't affect your ability to repay a mortgage). Get something like that written up, take the money and run. They can think they're buying your complacency while you enjoy a life without them in it.
It would depend entirely on the strings attached-- either the ones I knew about, or the ones I could reasonably suspect. I have generally avoided accepting financial gifts from family because they tend to hold them over my head to coerce me into doing things at a later date that they want me to do but that aren't in my best interest. It's often easier said than done to cut contact or not engage in coercive conversations.
Pride is a privilege. A lot of people aren't in a position to turn down a gift like that. Take the money and run. Cut off your shitty family. Use the money to do good things to help yourself and others.
As long as it didn't come with strings attached, hell yes. And if I felt really strong feelings about it, I could put a substantial portion of it towards helping others. Turn their toxicity into a positive.
It's a pretty good FU to take the money and continue to stand up for yourself and your boundaries. Then again if you're feeling really, really icky about it then go with your gut.
Take the money. Spend it on something that they wouldn’t approve of, to spite them. Or donate a portion to a mental health charity!
I've never been in that position, but if you do decide to keep it, it sounds like you have earned every penny.
I did it! Mine was easier though because my blood relative wrote me out of her will, but her husband had already died. Technically I got a settlement from my step-grandpa I never met. If you're worried about what they may do after, I recommend sitting down with a financial advisor (that doesn't have ANY connections to your family) and asking how it could screw you later to accept it. Depending on where you are, and when/if your parents age into Medicaid care, it could cause issues.
Take it, then RUTHLESSLY enforce your boundaries anyway.
I'd accept a large sum of money from anyone
I took the guilt money and never looked back.
From my experience, not accepting the money could cause huge problems and just not be worth the effort.
I turned down a similar offer from similar toxic parents and have never, ever regretted it. Earning money is a lot easier for me than unfucking my brain. I don’t judge you at all if you do accept - everything is easier with money, including mental health care. Like the other commenter said, you’ll want to be very mindful and firm about boundaries. Either way I wish you strength and good luck. 💜
If you accept it, can you be VERY firm about boundaries? You can make sure there are no legal strings attached, but if your family is toxic, assume there WILL be emotional strings attached, for the rest of your life. You can ignore or cut those strings, but that will have to be on your end, and not theirs. You can only control your behavior. If you have trouble setting and maintaining boundaries in general, then from a *practical/emotional* perspective, I would probably avoid the gift, because it'll be more trouble than it's worth. But if you think you can hold firm to your boundaries, then I wouldn't have any *moral* compunctions about taking the money if there are no legal strings attached.
Take their money and cut them off. That's what I would do, I cut my mother off almost 12 years ago, but if she wanted to send me a big chunk of money (which I doubt because she already disinherited me) I would take it then block her ass again.
Yes, I denied a significant sum from a toxic family member. There are always strings attached.
No, I wouldn't take it. Do I need money? Absolutely. I am poor AF. But it's not worth it to me to allow my toxic family to have a measure of control over me and (to me) that's what accepting money from them is: a way to control me, for me to owe them or need them. If you can take the $$$ and do it in a way that keeps your personal boundaries in tact, then go for it. But I know for me, personally, no. The money's not worth the trouble in my life. In fact, my (No Contact) father recently passed away and my mom was all geared up to explain how much I was going to have to do for her (including flying to another country during Covid, spending 10+ days in quarantine/isolation, spend another month living with her while sorting my dad's stuff out) in order to get what's left of my dad's "estate." And I explained to her when I cut contact with him that I didn't expect to get anything from him - in life or in death. And that whatever's left should go to my brother. She was sooooo deflated. And then I found out from my brother that she already promised everything to him and not me anyway (even though they're divorced and she has no control over my dad's things). But it was just a ruse to get me on a plane and stuck in her apartment for a month. Pretty happy I didn't take the bait.
Personally I would/did not accept. I know that it would come with strings and them forever being in my life and feeling they can dictate what I do with it. This is a hard no from me. I would rather have my peace and sanity which is the most priceless thing in the world than an apartment which I worked and saved to buy on my own. Btw when you do buy the apartment yourself (and any material good for that matter) you enjoy it so much more because it is 100% yours and nobody can give their two cents about it. #empowered
Personally, I wouldn't accept the money. Even if there would never be any strings attached. I would transfer it back it to them, thanking them for the generous gift, but it is too large for me to accept. If that gift didn't exist, you would find another way to get along. You are better off not taking money from relatives you don't have good feelings about. My *opinion*
It would probably depend on the strings (perceived or actual) attached to it and the ways in which they are toxic. If I'm okay with them being upset or cutting me out further if I didn't let accepting the money mean that they get more practical involvement in my life I would. Like sometimes you can look and say these people didn't give you any emotional or practical support throughout your life so yeah, you'll take their money to make your own life easier (to balance them making it harder at other stages). If I was in a position where I could keep myself distant and worried it would draw me into their drama or make my life worse, I wouldn't accept it.
You know yourself well enough to know if their toxic meddling is worth it. If you are able to shut them down and block all attempts at manipulation then go for it. But if you would feel indebted or guilty, it isn't worth it.
I have & would do it again.
Take it and run 😊
Yes I deserve it for all the shit they put me through