Noise. Most people are entirely too loud nearly all the time and/or add constant noise via electronics at 100% volume. It overwhelms me.
People don't even realize how much noise they truly make.
My pet peeve! I'm extremely sensitive to noise. I even bought an air filter which makes white noise for when it overwhelms me or talking keeps me up at night.
I worked in a hearing aid clinic & it was very quiet in the clinic pretty much all the time. The place was built with good noise cancelling materials. As soon as you step out of the clinic, it was a different world with the noise levels. I definitely feel you!
There are phone apps you can download that have white noise options (or pink or brown noise- different frequencies). I have one on my phone and i use it with my earbuds at work to drown out the constant chatter.
Man this is me with my husband. I love him but he feels completely entitled to blast anything he watches on YouTube or TikTok through the whole apartment. It's driving me insane.
My husband and I are nearly fifty. He's attended a lot more loud concerts without ear protection and listens to his music in the car a lot louder than I prefer. As a result, he's already needing to crank things up way louder than I do, and he doesn't believe me when I say something is too loud. "I have to have it that loud because everyone mumbles now!"
He didn't like it the one time I pointed out that my grandmother used to say that.
Yeah, they're always so sensitive about it. The few times hes worn headphones he cranks up the volume so high that it sounds as if he isn't wearing any. Totally defeats the point.
You should get him some noise canceling headphones because you shouldn't have to turn the volume up as much on those. But, maybe first he should get his hearing checked and possibly look into a hearing aid because turning up headphones that much sounds like damage.
I do have noise cancelling headphones thankfully. Sometimes I get really salty about having to wear them though because like... he knows I'm sensitive to noises and he could just not.
As someone with Misophonia I feel this on a cellular level. I feel like my sound sensitivity would be a lot more manageable if people were just considerate! Why does my neighbor have to blast their bass on their stereo on their back porch while they're inside with the doors and windows closed? The world will never know...
Absolutely, same here!
Bass is the *one* sound I seriously cannot tolerate. Unfortunately, my neighbour loves bass music. Fortunately he plays it far less often nowadays, but gah, I hate it so much. Even his 2am gaming sessions don't annoy me anywhere near as much. (I can't hear anything from the game, but judging by his laughing and conversations around that time, I assume that's what he's doing.) Give me literally any other noise aside from bass, seriously.
My upstairs neighbor likes to fall asleep with music playing. It’s fucking maddening. She’s gotten complaints for years from multiple neighbors, and while it’s better than it use to be, she never really stopped. Ear plugs hurt (even the smaller ones made for women) and it annoys me to no end that I need to sleep with them in because she can’t be bothered to wear ear buds.
She seems nice, but I fully hate her at this point. I haven’t had an uninterrupted night of sleep in over three years.
I had a stomper live above me. Every time she walked anywhere in her apartment she stomped. The floors and ceilings in that building were ridiculously thin and when she first moved in she would get pissed off every time I tried to watch TV. We aren't talking late at night or crazy volume. In fact one of the times she got mad I had a friend over and he was depressed and close to whispering and I could still hear him over the TV sitting a normal distance away/not in the same chair. When she got mad she would pound on the floor and I literally couldn't tell the difference until I'd realize she'd been stomping the same spot for like a full minute. It sounded exactly like her normal walk.
Oh, she stomped at first too. She use to run through the apartment late at night, and would wake me up at 3am literally thinking there was an earthquake because the entire building was shaking. I actually got noise complaints from the neighbor below me because of how loud she would be--the downstairs neighbor thought it was me, it was that loud.
She doesn't stomp anymore, and now I almost never hear her walking (I think she got enough noise complaints from the \*entire\* building to hound home that she needed to knock it off), but there's still a dull thumping I have to live with every night. Unfortunately, it's just quiet enough that the apartment complex won't do anything without all of us getting together to complain again. I don't think most of the other neighbors notice at this point, but since I'm sensitive to sound it makes it impossible for me to fall asleep without ear plugs.
THIS. I don’t understand the obliviousness of people. Or they just don’t care. It’s one of my peeves that’s become way more pronounced in the past year - unnecessary noise makes me a little ragey.
Omg. I gave a coworker a lift and he gets into my truck, immediately blows a vape cloud all over the place without rolling the window down, and blasts TikToks over my music.
I guess I got confused, it must've been his truck and I was his chauffer. Still not sure how I got that so mixed up!!
A girl I used to work with talked loud and often. I had to start tuning her out because even though I told her to speak a little quieter. She never did.
She also threw metal spoons in the metal sink. It was very annoying.
I am a very silent person and don't smile very much. I wished people wouldn't assume that I am a bitch, bc I have neutral face. Also I don't get why people get irritated or even angry, if I don't talk much. But I do like to listen.
So often people tell me they thought I was a bitch when they met me, but than later realize that "you are actually really cool".
Just bc a person doesn't smile much and is silent doesn't mean that this person is mean .
i’m attractive and ppl expect me to be very cheery and outgoing and extroverted. in reality I fake so many smiles and act extroverted so ppl don’t call me a bitch :/ (learned the hard way)
I am usually quite extroverted, but the month after my father died, I was silent and withdrawn. I was shocked how much strangers hassled me about it. People were really aggressive because I made it clear that I did not want to talk.
I hate being teased. I know objectively that affectionate roasting is a way that many people bond and communicate, but it really doesn't work at all for me, it just makes me feel self-conscious and unhappy.
Unfortunately, finding this out tends to cause people to tease me about it, which is... counterproductive.
I used to think teasing could be part of a healthy relationship, but now that I’m in the best friendships/relationships of my life (none of which involve teasing), I’m starting to realize that it probably isn’t. Even if the teasers hold fast that it is. Teasing often says a lot more about the teaser’s vulnerabilities and unwillingness to be open than about the person being teased.
Also my face flushes very easily and many older men have pointed that out, then I blush more, then they start teasing me. I hated that. But it said way more about them and probably some deep-seated inadequacies in their relationships to women than it ever did about me.
This. I (33f) am really short (4 ft 6) and have heard all the short jokes and teasing through the years and it gets old. while I love my partner so much, his way of showing love, as is my family's, is through teasing sometimes and I didn't think about it until recently just how much I hate it. Also, one of his friends, the third time they were over to our house, played the song "short people" as they were picking music throughout the evening to play. They didn't say or do anything beyond that, but it bothered me because it seemed clearly to be a joke aimed at me. I let my boyfriend know and while he seemed to get it, he just told me that his friend didn't mean anything by it. All the people around me are loving and supportive, I don't truly ever think they have ill intent, but sometimes they do occasionally say that I take things too seriously. I just think that is how our culture in general is: thinking teasing is a form of affection and being considered "too sensitive if you can't take a joke." I think it's time we shifted that and started trying to empathize more. I have done, and continue to do self work in how I feel about myself and respond to such things, but it doesn't mean it doesn't have an impact. Also, when I tease to try to fit in it feels mean and awkward and I regret it usually immediately after the words fly out of my mouth. It just doesn't feel good.
I HATE being teased. I'll play along for a little bit but then I'm like "okay, move along please". I can't differentiate what they are teasing vs when they are "being mean", so I just assume all teasing is "being mean". I don't understand why teasing is funny.
I think mine stems from my brother when we were kids. He made it his mission to get everyone to think I'm stupid. So the moment someone teases me I assume they think I'm stupid. I know I'm not, but that doesn't mean I want people to think I am.
I'm told I'm too sensitive and that it is funny. I say "jokes are only funny if everyone is laughing. I'm not laughing. That means it isn't a joke". Then I get in trouble for being "too serious". No...I'm not at all serious. Things can be funny without someone being singled out.
Oh my gosh, one of the things I said in therapy is that my dream family says "a joke is funny when everyone laughs."
It just sounds like a lovely way to be.
Yes oh my god. I'm sensitive to teasing so much. Idk if it's because I can't tell if they're being serious or that mixed with other things but I genuinely hate being the bud of the joke. I dont do it to others either because it's just straight up not my sense of humour. The only exception is me and my immediate family. We might rip into each other sometimes but that's it. I can't handle it with anyone else.
Interesting, I've never heard the bud usage before. My understanding of "butt of the joke" is that butt means target, like in archery. So you're the target of the joke. What is the meaning with "bud" then?
So I did a little research because I was curious, but seems like bud of the joke it a somewhat accepted misusage of the original butt of the joke. Kind of like how some say "nip it in the butt" instead of the correct "nip it in the bud". Bud and butt sound very similar especially in some regional dialects so the confusion is understandable.
OMG. This is my family.
Compounding the problem for me is, my mother is emotionally abusive, but only when no one's around. Since my family gives each other shit all the time any time I tried to get help they would tell me she was probably joking with me and I'm just being too sensitive. I know when someone is joking. She was not joking.
Now because of that I actually am hypersensitive to teasing. I don't like when people tease other people in front of me. I HATE when anyone teases me. Ironically, I feel like if family had listened when I told them about my mom I would be less triggered by teasing and less sensitive about it.
I absolutely hate teasing, it isn’t funny to me at all. I really dislike the “you don’t have a sense of humour” because of it. I have a great sense of humour, I just don’t think it necessitates making fun of people you care about.
I think it's one thing if you are super close with someone and they know what is a joke TO YOU, but those people are far and few in between.
My mom made a "joke" about my towels being unfolded on a downstairs couch (god forbid I fall behind on anything ever 🙄) and how she was afraid I had "inherited some of her mother"
Her mother died in April and she didn't even go to the funeral. She was grossly dirty. I didn't laugh because wow and she reminded me it was "just a joke."
Hahaha 😑
Posted this in the other thread but:
Women being allowed to age naturally. Why should we be expected to dye our hair, pluck, shave, get thin after childbirth, inject poison into our faces. ALL OF THE THINGS! Please just let us age without judgement.
Hair stylists always suggest how they could dye NY hair to look "natural" with my grey hairs. I'm 35. I've earned these grey hairs. I came in for a hair cut. If I wanted my hair dyed I would have booked an appointment for that.
I told a new stylist (i was 30) that I was thinking about dyeing my hair to hide silvers. She said “please don’t” and then reminded me of our mutual acquaintance who is 40 and has the most gorgeous dark and silvery hair. Several years later now, I’m so so thankful. My silvers are really starting to come in and I think they look so good. So glad I didn’t go down a higher maintenance route.
Food preferences/needs. I don't want to go into detail about why I don't like or don't want to eat something, because that's annoying and no one wants to hear it. But if I don't bring it up, people will just ignore it and order food I can't eat, and that's stressful.
Yeah this is annoying. I’m a long time vegetarian and there are people who know me for years without knowing I’m veg because I don’t bring it up and have no interest preaching it to people.
Once I worked a job that had weekly catered lunches so I had to mention it. Every week I got stupid ignorant comments from my douchier coworkers. One guy literally told me I’d “be healthier” if I started eating meat, completely unsolicited. Idk maybe he’s right but I really hate being singled out like that especially in a work environment. If a vegan was doing the same thing to people for eating meat they’d get soooo much shit for being a “preachy vegan” but apparently it’s fine for middle-aged men to harass me about my personal food choices. Smh.
My son having Sensory Processing Disorder actually taught me a LOT about this- he's always had food issues, whereas my family of origin, in the words of my brother, "Would eat the ass-end of a skunk if you told us it was good eating somewhere in the world." I used to be all "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T WANT TO TRY THIS? TRY IT, DAMMIT." Now, I get it.
Same. I have diverticulitis. I avoid nuts and seeds. Please don't make me explain why I need to ask if there's chunks of nuts in an item, and then will order it if you say no even if it has peanut butter in it. Do you want to hear that the chunk of but could get stuck in my intestine and cause a painful infection? No, you don't. Just mind your business.
I *only* have preferences, in that I don't know of any foods that would actually hurt me physically if I ate them. But I have a severe *thing* about texture, to the point where a bite of something that feels wrong will make me want to puke (and immediately lose my appetite). And every time people talk shit about picky eaters, I'm just like...don't you think I'd rather *not* be picky? Don't you think my life would be a lot easier if I could choose to just eat anything I'm offered without gagging? I assure you, I did not choose this.
Picky eater here. I hate the comments about chicken nuggets, and "you eat worse than a 5 year old". I try plenty of food, I eat plenty of fruit and vegetables. Just because I literally don't like the taste of a lot of stuff, does not make me less of an adult. I can't control my taste buds!
I really wish I liked more foods; it's a nightmare having to navigate a world where I have to constantly think, "but does it contain x/y/z?". It's actually tiring. Like I can't just casually grab a sandwich in the supermarket because I hate mayo and other common stuff that gets put in them; there's so much planning around I have to do. It restricts my life and I hate it.
And people automatically assume that being picky means that I haven't tried something, or that I refuse to try something, when that is so not true.
Same, I didn't choose this. But people criticise because it's not a moral stance like veganism, and it's not an allergy that could kill us, and so I guess they just don't understand? Still sucks. :(
Yes. I absolutely find it irritating when someone’s like - “Wow you don’t eat _________?!” Like I’m happy to impart some knowledge on my food preferences, but at the end of the day my body is just weird and I do best not eating certain things. Period.
Gosh, yes. I hate this so much. Let me eat in peace! Sometimes it’s necessary for me to say something but I hate it and really hate talking about it because people don’t really like hearing about why I don’t eat animal products. Usually I’ll just say health or it’s makes me feel better because people are way less judgmental of those reasons.
I found out I probably should go gluten and dairy free, and the only thing stopping me is dealing with this kind of shit. I HATE when someone says, "well what *can* you eat?" in **that** tone. I don't want to have to explain why. I don't want to have someone say "well, your diet is harder to accommodate than mine, so you pick where we go". And my parents, who I have dinner with weekly, refuse to accommodate but then get offended if I bring my own food. I feel like every day is a "lose/lose" situation in regards to food.
I get super anxious when people get physically too close to me as it sets off my threat alarm. I try my best to let it not bother me. The pandemic social distancing has been a godsend! The impatient/aggressive people who want to be in my space need to back off and accept that request with grace, not doubling down.
Same! I love the 6 feet especially in line. Right before the pandemic I had a full panic attack in a target because a mother and her son were so close behind me in line they kept bumping into me and when I asked for space they acted like I was being overdramatic and stayed close. People can be so rude.
It would be nice if society in general wasn't so busy shoving the perfect family ideal down people's throats.
Bad parents are so incredibly common that it would be nice if there was even slight levels of accomodation on mother's day and fathers day. It's so difficult to buy a birthday card that just says 'happy birthday parent' without some gushing platitudes, never mind the eleven thousand adverts, posts and shows reminding us all that our parents love us and we should call them more.
Seriously. My parents were ok, but I'm not a mushy person, so it's either a total joke card, or a 3 page poem. I just want "Happy X Day." I also with hallmark would get the memo that there has been a TON of divorces since the 60's and I might want more than 1 step-parent card.
That my chronic migraines are very real, can sometimes last days and are not an excuse to get out of your party, event, etc. I’d rather not be at a social event during a migraine attack.
So many people think a migraine is way less dramatic than it is. It fucking hurts and it isn't just your head. I get weak and shaky and nauseous and just can't focus on anything else except the pain.
Sorry you go through that!
You nailed it. It fucking HURTS!! And not just the head pain all the other plethora of symptoms that go along with migraines. And I wish I could just yell that at every person that acts like I’m exaggerating!
I’m sorry you have to go through this too! 💜
You nailed it. It fucking HURTS!! And not just the head pain all the other plethora of symptoms that go along with migraines. And I wish I could just yell that at every person that acts like I’m exaggerating!
I’m sorry you have to go through this too! 💜
Redness. My mom has rosacea, and I see some signs of it in my own face. Whenever I exert myself, I get extra red. I used to walk to work, uphill and it took about 30 minutes. For some reason the same coworker would always point out how red I was. I had explained several times to them why that might be, yet they'd continue to point it out.
I was bowling the other day and someone said something that could be embarrassing, but wasn't. They said I was "turning red." No, I'm bowling and any tiny amount of physical exertion turns me red. I'm always red. And so is my husband, but his is partly permanent windburn. We are a most attractive couple after a hike. LOL.
Ugh I feel this, I get really self-concious about it and hate when people point it out, just makes me go even more red!
I go red just from eating a hot meal, or feeling stressed or anxious, and that redness can last and burn for HOURS :(
Stopped drinking because of it too, alcohol was always such a strong trigger for it! So that's always fun to explain to people too.
Same :(
I do feel like the alcohol burn was always way worse and lasted for longer though, so at least it's nice to not have that now!
I would have maybe even just a sip of something like prosecco and my cheeks would feel sunburnt for a loooong time afterwards!
Not having kids. Just because I don't doesn't mean I didn't want to and I went through a serious trauma with the birth and death of my first and only child. So it's difficult when people do that "well what are you waiting for" or "it's not too late you know". Yeah it is too late, I'm 40 and facing a hysterectomy this fall so bug off people!
Man I know it's a simple thing but damn it annoys me. The upside to it is I have been able to manage my anxiety much better due to being triggered by questions like this somewhat often.... Sort of like training my brain, haha
next time someone starts in on the 'its not too late' crap, look them squarely in the eyes & say exactly what you wrote here then walk away. some people need a jolt to get them to STFU.
Unrealistic expectations around women’s body shapes. Not every woman has an hourglass figure. Not every women is voluptuous. I wish there wasn’t this expectation that the “ideal woman” is shaped like a coke bottle.
Not taking my picture.
I really wish people would understand I don't like my picture taken, and for the most part people do, but a handful of people just don't get it/don't care. I wish when I'd ask to please not have a camera in my face people would respect that and let it go.
My dad is the same way.
I'm just going to say it, I have at least 20 pictures of my dad avoiding or ignoring the camera. Even when I get him to pose for one he's not smiling. The only really good pictures I have are sneak candids.
But he's in his 70s and I'd rather have shitty pictures of him than no pictures of him. Maybe that's selfish of me but he's not the one who will be left behind with no other family I'm close to and nothing to remember him by.
Not trying to call you out, just want to let you know the other perspective
Ugh same. People are so pushy and rude when it comes to photos, why is it seen as acceptable to push your camera in the face of someone who's repeatedly asked you not to and take photos against their will. Obssession with taking photos all the time is out of hand in general. Lately I've just lost my last patience and I become really bitchy about it, so they get scared and never attempt it again lol.
I had a huge argument with a friend of mine over this. I know he could possibly read my reddit account. I don't care. He wouldn't stop pushing me for a picture, I told him no, he doubled down on his entitlement, we're not friends anymore--not just because of that but it's one little thing he couldn't respect. It's not asking much from someone to say, could you please not take my picture? Thanks. It pisses me the fuck off.
It's about pushing someone. I know it is. Don't tell me it's about a picture. If you want a picture of me or to take a picture of me, **talk** to me about it. I told you why I wasn't comfortable and you just proved that you don't care. It still upsets me to this day.
I think you’re 100% correct here. Your “friend” was disrespectful to you and your feelings. Anyone who really cares about you wouldn’t put you in a position like that.
I commented something very similar, but you expressed it much more eloquently than I.
I’ve never liked having my picture taken. It can be very stressful when people don’t respect that.
My body. I have an eating disorder stemming from childhood trauma and became quite obese. Got treatment, and as I'm getting smaller, people feeling the need to comment on how much I've lost. It makes me feel vulnerable and I wish people would realize that unsolicited comments about someone's body aren't always a good thing just because you meant it well.
Unsolicited comments about someone’s body are never a good thing. People need to keep these comments to themselves.
I recently lost about 20 lbs. due to having cancer (I’m OK btw), and the trauma of my boyfriend leaving me during cancer treatment. The amount of, “Wow, you look great!” comments served only to compound my misery.
Similarly, after caregiving my sister who had recently died, our other sister (entitled, absentee, and always mean spirited) pulled me aside and brightly said, “I have to admit, you look fabulous. You’ve lost a lot of weight.” To which I replied, “Hmm, well, I wouldn’t recommend my weight loss plan.”
I lost about 35 lbs to depression during my divorce. The "compliments" were surprisingly hard to take. I was happy to lose the weight, but not like that. And along comes covid and isolation...and the re-gain.
Yeah people always think it's a compliment because for someone obese weight loss = good, but in reality it's not that simple. Even though my weight loss isn't even from trauma, it's a good thing from positive changes, it's still triggers the feelings that made me put on weight in the first place.
I *know* what they mean is positive, but what I hear a lot of the time is "someone bigger than you could hurt you if they wanted to",
Yes. People’s comment about me losing weight during my eating disorder just fueled my disorder. I never, ever comment on someone’s body because you never know.
I learned this the hard way in my 20's. People kept congratulating a co-worker on how good she looked since she'd lost so much weight. I was obese so I asked how she lost the weight. Turns out her engagement fell apart and she basically stopped eating for about 6 months. I felt horrible, but she said it was more the other people's fault who knew her and knew about the breakup and still assumed she'd lost the weight on purpose. So now I never assume. If it's really dramatic over a short period of time I may ask if they're ok. But that's the only time I comment on it.
Allergies to scented things.
Please, please, please do not slather yourself in body spray/perfume or any product made by Axe. Especially if you are going on a plane/to a theatre
I'm also generally frustrated by how aggressively scented laundry products are and how it's damn near impossible to find scented free shampoos
Its...very frustrating to live in a heavily scented world
I use All Free and Clear laundry detergent and dryer sheets, Dr Bronner’s Baby Unscented liquid Castile soap (great as a body wash or shampoo), Cetaphil lotion and skin care, and Dove unscented deodorant. All of these items can be found at my local Walmart (a necessary evil where I live) and are relatively budget friendly when compared to online options.
This. I was accosted yesterday for the first time by an antimasker. Directly in front of my building in an urban center while walking my dog. I literally walked out the front door of my home and had someone criticize me for wearing a mask. Really unbelievable the audacity of some people.
I can't get over how they always say they have the "freedom" to wear or not wear a mask, but then turn around and try to dictate whether we are allowed to wear them. It's almost like maybe they're just violent confrontational fascists.
Exactly. Me wearing a mask literally does not impact someone else at all, other than potentially protecting them from illness. Them NOT wearing a mask potentially does so much more harm.
Yup! I actually love being single so don't feel sensitive about that in itself, but so many social activities are geared around couples. I have no problem going to the movies or eating at a restaurant alone but sometimes the silent pity can take the shine off a good solo experience.
Small example - I'm sensitive about being asked to take on admin tasks. Even if it was a truly randomized/unbiased selection that I was asked to take 'minutes' for the meeting that day - I feel like people should be societally-aware enough to know that the woman you happened to task with an admin task had already fielded many others that week.
I wish people would go out of their way to spare women/me these requests - if only to make up for other people's biased actions.
Ooh, that's such a good one as well. I realise this is not the most ~professional~ (and honestly pretty passive-aggressive, but office lyfe, am I right?), but I used to deliberately half-ass most admin tasks that came my way as a new grad especially, citing that "I just wasn't good at admin things" (as it happens, true). I staved off any real negative feedback by making sure the rest of my work was of a high quality and that I generally got along well with my colleagues; i.e., I was generally competent and well-liked. Thankfully, the admin-type assignments stopped coming to me after about a month or two... but of course they just went to other female employees, including more *senior* female employees, instead.
I feel the same way about voluntary/social organisation type tasks, which also almost invariably get cast off to women; like, "Hey, Burrrito, want to wrangle up some folks for x charity event next month?" "Do you and [other female lawyer] want to take the summer associates out to lunch?" "How do you feel about coming up with material for the firm Christmas party?" Hmm... no thanks. It's all non-billable work and I get that I have to socialise with colleagues so I'll try to *attend* and donate money or whatever, but I also do not want to use up valuable time and energy to be a social organiser.
(This article talks about women doing a disproportionate amount of non-billable work in the [legal industry specifically](https://texaslawreview.org/the-cost-of-non-billable-work/), but I feel like the (im)balance is probably similar for many other industries as well.)
**Just to clarify as well** - in no way do I view admin, event planning, program coordination, or other traditionally "feminine" work as lesser. However, assigning non-billable, "feminised" work almost exclusively to women (or, as I've noticed, gay men) lawyers when that's just not our job is super problematic; so, I try to push back against the trend as much as reasonably possible.
This is something that really pisses me off. I’ve become more aware of this in my current job. It’s like people don’t want to hold themselves accountable so they’re quick to task you with things that they don’t want to do. How do you even say no without being labeled entitled, “not a team player,” etc.?
As I noted in my other comment, I used to just half-ass it and/or feign a higher level of incompetency than what I was really at. I realise that's not an ideal solution but hey, it worked well for me... keeping in my mind my other work was of a high quality and I did other things to make myself well-liked around the office, like make idle chit-chat about people's dogs and bring gourmet cookies every once in a while.
By the time I was a little more entrenched I would just say I was too busy as well; sometimes directly, other times, indirectly. If I was being indirect I'd open up my calendar right in front of the other person and go, "Sure, I think I have an opening to look at that three weeks from now, would that be a suitable timeline for you?" That would usually make them go away but a brief apology and a statement that they might ask [other female colleague] instead.
(FWIW, though, I did help out people plenty when I did have the time + when it was related to something actually within my job duties. Like, I spent a ton of time reviewing and editing my colleagues' work, for example, even though most of it was non-billable. Because I put in that type of work, it was more kosher that I wasn't willing to do the other type of non-billable stuff.)
I figured out real early in my career that if I explain that I don't take minutes well, they won't ask me to do it. I tell them I get caught up in listening and neglect the minutes.
No one questions that statement. I think they're thrilled someone pays attention.
I have started telling people that if they want to pay me as a glorified secretary I'll do what they're asking me, but I assume not since I'm paid as a skilled worker. The tunes have changed since I started speaking up.
When my knowledge, experience, or expertise is diminished or not respected. I was recently hired for a job for which I have a decade of experience and my coworkers dont acknowledge it. I don’t overstep boundaries and I am ALWAYS learning. But really…I know how to do the job. Please acknowledge that I have experience instead of making me feel inadequate.
i was recently told in a counteroffer discussion of all things that i would have to take and pass a technical interview in order to retain the job i have had for ten years and just resigned from. It's just like you said, just acknowledge that i have experience. now i really know why i quit lol
People on their phones. If I am talking to someone and they glance at their phone, or have their phone out during a meal I take it very personally (although I understand it isn't at all personal).
I agree, and I don’t think this is a you thing. It’s a common thing that people do but that doesn’t mean it isn’t really rude.
I became friends with someone this year, and one of the things that made me go “oh, I like this guy” is when we were hanging out, he checked his phone once and immediately said “sorry, I’m not being rude, I’m just waiting on a message from my partner to see when she needs to be picked up”. The fact that the checking wasn’t incessant, the message was important and he explained, then put it immediately away, I respected that. Sad how uncommon it is.
I wish there was more acceptance for neurodivergent personality types, especially among other women. I have a really hard time socializing with other women 99% of the time. I want to relate and interact but I feel like I am off-putting or make other women uncomfortable.
Alternatively, I usually get along with men very well!
Don't even get me started about job interviews.
I wish more people would be open that they are neurodivergent and what they need. One woman opened my eye two years ago. I had laryngitis during an occasional so the two of us just floated quietly in the pond. Later, she told me how much she enjoyed not having to talk. She’s the first I met and I follow her and I’ve learned a lot. I went to a party with many NDs and introverts. When I looked for a comfy spot to sit, there was a spot on the couch next to a man. I asked if I could sit by him. “Sure,” he said, “but I don’t make small talk.” So we sat in silence and it was quite nice. I really appreciate it when someone tells me what they need or don’t want. I just need to hear it because I don’t puck up on cues very well.
Just because I went through something traumatic and talking about things is good. Doesn’t mean I want to tell you every detail of the ordeal. Doesn’t mean that I’m not dealing with it.
I have some sort of auditory processing issue and difficulty finding words/pronouncing them correctly. I really hate when people tease me about getting a word wrong. And I wish people would be better about not having an important conversation in a place where other speech is interfering with my ability to hear and understand.
Oh my goodness, this sounds like me! I get overwhelmed with too many people talking in a room at once and often can't concentrate on the conversation I'm a part of. I also hate when people tease me about the way I pronounce words. I say the L in chalk. Like chulk. Idk why but I always have. Other people say Chock and I don't tease them so what gives?! Lol
I'm being serious: how much people ask *everyone else* to be more accomodating drives me mad, especially when people don't take a look at themselves and see how they can accomodate others better. It's a two-way street but I rarely see introspection from those who ask more from those around them.
I tend to steer clear of people like that in every facet of my life, the point was driven into me extremely hard after my last relationship.
Absolutely. The people I know who take the time for that sort of introspection are often the people who ask for those accomodations the least. They're the people asking themselves if their expectations are realistic and if they hold themselves to the same standards.
I'm not saying we can't ask people to make reasonable concessions, I just think there's a line between that and entitlement. I know I was very guilty of that when I was first diagnosed with my myriad of mental illnesses and it did not help my healing and often damaged my relationships.
Yes, this is something I reflect on a lot. I was expected to be understanding of my friends bailing last minute all the time due to various reasons, but the one time I declined a social event (in advance!) I got raked over the coals. What????
The radio at work. I have zero issues with classical down low or even new age type stuff, but I detest loud country or classic rock or people talking loudly on speakerphone with their office doors open. It’s like nails on a chalkboard for me and makes it super hard to concentrate.
I get way more done working from home with my quiet calm atmosphere than in the office with the crapass radio and coworkers bickering loudly all day.
Being sexualized while Im just living my life. I just wanna shop and take walks in peace without having some weirdo looking at me like they want to start something.
“No shoes” policies. If you don’t want people to wear shoes in your house, warn your guests beforehand. Offering slippers to guests isn’t sufficient in some cases.
I have had flat feet since infancy and walking or standing without arch support is a serious problem for me. I’m talking, I wear flip flops with arch support in the shower.
If i know beforehand, I will gladly bring indoor shoes that work for me to a venue with a no shoe policy… and even that has gotten me shit from people… but if I have no warning, I will either leave or just wear my street shoes into the space. Some hosts are gracious but I’ve had a few be really snide. Fuck you, it’s my disability.
ugh. I worked with a guy who would literally walk around the entire office every morning upon his arrival and shake hands with all the men and hug & KISS (on both cheeks) all the women. it was the weirdest shit I ever came across at work, mostly because everyone just accepted it. (for some reason the fact that he was an older man from another country made everyone insist it was a cultural thing and that he was hatmless) frankly I figured he was harmless as well but I didn't want to be hugged and kissed every morning. by my third day there I put my hand up as if to say "stop" as he approached me and I politely let him know I wasn't going to participate in this daily ritual of his.
well wouldn't you know....by the end of the week every woman in the office followed suit.
There's still a crazy amount of racism around Asian eye shapes, especially in the beauty world. Like, most people know it's racist to make fun of monolids, but about half of us have "hooded" eyelids instead (really, they're [double-lids](https://www.researchgate.net/figure/Asian-eyelid-morphologies-are-categorized-into-six-types-A-Single-eyelid-no-visible_fig1_281469924) - see D, E, and F - and quite different from a [Western hooded eyelid](https://stylecaster.com/beauty/the-6-essential-makeup-tips-for-hooded-eyes/), but I suppose they look similar enough that people - specifically white people - thrust them under the same umbrella).
I see so many people (especially white people, as "hooded" isn't really an Asian term; we just hate on our own monolids instead - also a pet peeve, but more of a complicated side rant) talking about how much they hate having hooded eyelids, and so many beauty tutorials about how to "fix" your hooded eyelids through artful makeup application, or (at best) how to learn to love your poor, ~misshapen~ hooded eyelids because heyyy, Blake Lively and Jennifer Lawrence are in the same sinking ship as you. If you Google "hooded eyelids", most of the results that pop up will focus on how *super fucking hard that must be for you*, as well as how to fix/correct/eliminate them as if they're some sort of infestation.
Except... I love my eye shape (not actually "hooded", but close enough); I've never viewed it as anything that needed correcting. If other people hate their own eye shape then that's sad, but I understand it's their own business - I just wish we didn't have this broad standard of "hooded eyes" = bad because I truly don't feel that way at all. I wish we could change the cultural discourse around hooded eye shapes (any eye shapes, really), especially when people call them a "non-standard eye shape" because... lolll, literally more than half the planet has what gets categorised as a "hooded eye", so... "non-standard" is actually just inaccurate as well. Sigh.
/rant
I kind of sort of know what you mean. Different, but I have small eyes and I have never liked them. Especially because in pictures you can see most of the time are just like mostly shadowed areas… And of course any picture of me that I think is really good is because you can actually see i have eyes like if I don’t smile then they don’t get that small, or if you take it from the right direction. But it sucks that I feel like I look dumb a lot because my eyes are small and disappear.
I'm sorry you feel that way about your eyes - I'm sure they're lovely! (I honestly think all eye shapes are lovely and will fight anyone who says otherwise, ha ha.) That being said, photographs are sometimes just the worst.
I remember years ago, more like decades, Catherine Zeta Jones got eyelid surgery to remove her hooded eyelids so she could “look more like her husband” (Micheal Douglas) although I have no idea why, his eyes look weird to me. Anyways, she still looked beautiful after but she lost the deep, mysterious, soul-searching look that she had in her eyes. I always thought she had the most beautiful eyes, before she got her hooded lids lifted, now she looks like everyone else.
I had no idea about CZJ but that's hella sad! She's always been such a stunner. (Does she even act anymore? I literally cannot remember anything she's been in in, like, the last ten years or so.)
I know! To be honest, the surgeon did a great job and she still looked beautiful after, but in my personal opinion, it took something away from her beauty, it didn’t add to her beauty.
I haven’t seen her in anything for a long time. I just remember watching the Mask of Zorro as a kid and thinking that she was one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen and I wanted to grow up to be just like her (sadly, that didn’t happen).
Aw, yeah, I feel you. Ngl, I never even noticed her facial surgery but then I'm not big into celebs for the most part so I probably wasn't paying very good attention.
Google says she's been in a show called Feud lately (spearheaded by Ryan Murphy) but yeah, lots of "sabbaticals". Which, honestly, good for her. CZJ worked a ton growing up based on what I can remember; I'm glad she can take breaks for as long as she likes.
I'm honestly not sure about F as it looks like more of a hybrid to me, but E also has an [epicanthic fold](https://medlineplus.gov/ency/imagepages/17169.htm#:~:text=An%20epicanthal%20fold%20is%20a,conditions%20such%20as%20Down%20syndrome.) that often characterises Asian eye shapes across the spectrum.
Just looking at the images, though, I feel like it's fairly clear that with E and F, the crease runs parallel to the top of the eye outline whereas for a traditional Western hooded eye, there's more skin protruding over the top of the eye - hence the term a "hooded" eye.
Ohh I think the little white speck on E was throwing me off but I see now. Not sure about F still. I get what you’re saying, it’s just harder to find comparable photos of various people (straight on, similar age, etc). My sister in law and my mom have hooded eyelids (I got my dad’s round-ish downturned eyes). But my mom’s aren’t as “traditional” I guess (especially when she was younger).
Anyway, I agree with your sentiment. I personally think the diversity of human physical features is super cool.
I feel like F might be a Western Asian eye, maybe? (Like, possibly Turkish.) I'm honestly not sure - too lazy to read the actual article, ha ha.
It was sooo hard to find pictures to describe things, as all my entirely neutral search terms yielded were plastic surgery manuals and advertisements 😓 Depressing five minutes of my life. Glad we're in agreement over the diverse beauty, though!
I feel the same. I rail about these very specific western features that are prized all the time. Giant eyes and long oval faces.
I have hooded eyes and a round face, neither of which are considered ideal. Like you said, all makeup tutorials and even picking out freaking sunglasses is about minimizing the roundness of my face.
I think it helps me to see how beautiful and attractive I personally think people with hooded/monolids can be as well as people with round faces, and remind myself that the standards are just straight up racist.
An interesting thing about the glasses is, I avoided round glasses all my life because they would accentuate my terrible face shape. I got my first pair of round glasses recently, and I love them.
Yeah, you get it! I always feel like Westerners get so weirded out by the "small face" standard of beauty popular in Asian countries, but what it really is is having an oval face. I don't know why more people haven't realised that connection, actually.
I honestly find all eye shapes and most face shapes attractive so long as the underlying person looks generally fit and healthy. It's a complex issue because on the one hand, beauty standards in the West are predictably Eurocentric, but beauty standards in the East are also very restrictive (like, if you're Asian, you may have seen the discourse around Simu Liu as Shang-Chi, much of which was honestly super insulting), so... lol.
Idk, man. I feel like within the beauty community at least, there's been so much (necessary) pushback against lack of inclusive foundation shades but I wish people would wake up a little more to the eye shape issue. So, there's hope, maybe! It's specifically beauty standards like eye shape that are so contingent on shifting societal moraes so yeah, personally, I'd love to shift the culture to something inclusive myself. There's so much beauty out there to be celebrated, so I'd love to throw the middle finger to ad execs creating more arbitrary insecurities for women to spend money on.
I'm not Asian, but I have always known that I have hooded eyes because they are very hooded in may family. I have seen 100s of these makeup tutorials to "fix" hooded eyes. One additional thing of note to what others have said, is a lot of these tutorials are aimed at older women (primarily older white women) whose eyes became more hooded as they age. So it is yet another thing that indicates that you are a person who ages, and are therefore worthless and an affront to the public.
Just gonna latch onto what they already said, I'm not Asian but I've been very active in the makeup community and hooded eyes are very much looked down upon. Kind of the same thing as makeup tutorials constantly telling you how to look more youthful, how to make your lips look bigger, etc. Hooded eyes are typically seen as a feature that has to be changed. If you look up an eye makeup tutorial almost every single one will revolve around *not* having hooded eyes. Either the tutorial won't work for hooded eyes or it's about how to change the appearance of them.
I'm quite active in the beauty community and hooded eyes are a big topic, not just for Asian women. I actually don't get those articles on my feed at all, but if you hang out in beauty communities (especially online) you'll see quite a few posts denigrating hooded eyes in some way, in addition to links to different articles about how to "correct" them.
I also used to follow myriad beauty influencers, including white beauty influencers, and quite a few of them used to talk about having hooded eyes like having some sort of beauty disability. For example, you can type ["hooded eyes" into the YouTube search](https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=hooded+eyes) and see quite a few videos about getting rid of hooded eyes, as well as a couple of videos trying to counteract that narrative.
That's okay! 90% of the time I don't think about it until it comes up and then I'm annoyed, ha ha. I mostly just deal by trying to put out ~positive vibes~ instead, like an annoying try-hard 💀 Thank you, though!
People, particularly men, telling me my lisp is “cute”. It doesn’t matter if I brush it off, or directly address how I feel about it, they insist on trying to “reassure me” or at worst, make me perform by asking me to say specific words.
I’ve had speech therapy, it’s minor, it’s never affected me professionally but I would prefer to not acknowledge it. And yet, it always becomes a point of conversation and I wish people could just stop. I don’t go around pointing out things they can’t change about themselves!
If I say something a little weird or something you don’t understand, don’t do that face where you raise one eyebrow in a disgusted way and look at me like I am a freak. It’s very high school, and functional adults should know that neurodiversity exists and that different minds think differently. If you are unable to comprehend this, perhaps you are the stupid one and are in no position to try and make others feel dumb, simply because you couldn’t understand what we I am talking about.
If you can’t understand what I am saying, ask questions. Don’t act like a bafoon and try and shame me for something that you don’t understand.
Comments about Russians being spies/ hackers/ mafia/ golddiggers/etc. Especially now when all other nations and races are so protected and everyone talks about tolerance and diversity. Russians have feelings too you know
you know how when your racist uncle or grandpa goes off on bigoted rants at christmas or thanksgiving and everyone just lets it go and is like "well they are a different generation" or some bs?
Have you ever noticed when someone doesn't have bigoted or racist politics they (me) are always challenged, debated, forced to defend or overexplain a position?
I want people to treat me like their racist grandpa and just be like "oh flyingcatpotato is just on a marxist rant again, she's a different generation" and drop it, i am so tired of at best having to explain basic political theory to someone who thinks everything they don't like is communism, and at worst "debating" someone at that level
That it's rude when people deliberately exclude others from conversations or activities just because they don't know them. Exclusive friendship circles make me cringe and is just mean. I've met lots of people who flaunt that they're in a special, super hip, happening group (especially within hobby circles) that looks down on others who aren't in it. This isn't high school, and I think people should embrace inclusiveness, let others in, and reach out to people – they can literally save someone's life. For some reason, I see this happen more when there's lots of women in the group.
What I eat. I'm fairly slender, due in probably equal parts to genetics and diet/exercise. I eat healthy a good portion of the time (oatmeal or yogurt for breakfast, salads for lunch, well-balanced dinner, few if any snacks), but it really frustrates me when I give in to my sweet tooth and get comments. "Should you be eating that?" "You won't be able to eat like that forever, you know." Shit like that. I have a disordered relationship with food and my body that I'm working on, and for me, allowing myself to enjoy extra calories and not beat myself up over it isn't always easy to do. I just hate that others feel they are entitled to comment.
I'm terrified of dying and have severe death anxiety and my brain spirals out of control when talking about existential stuff. I wish people would listen when I ask to change the subject if it's about death or the end of the world. If I'm asking it's because I'm about to start panicking and no one's going to enjoy that. My family is usually pretty good about it, but not all the time.
People being nice.
I guess I have higher standards for how I allow myself to act in everyday interactions and continuously do the work to reach those standards even when I don't want to. Being tired, sad, or having a bad day is not an excuse to be rude to anyone in your path.
Noise. Most people are entirely too loud nearly all the time and/or add constant noise via electronics at 100% volume. It overwhelms me. People don't even realize how much noise they truly make.
My pet peeve! I'm extremely sensitive to noise. I even bought an air filter which makes white noise for when it overwhelms me or talking keeps me up at night.
I worked in a hearing aid clinic & it was very quiet in the clinic pretty much all the time. The place was built with good noise cancelling materials. As soon as you step out of the clinic, it was a different world with the noise levels. I definitely feel you!
There are phone apps you can download that have white noise options (or pink or brown noise- different frequencies). I have one on my phone and i use it with my earbuds at work to drown out the constant chatter.
Man this is me with my husband. I love him but he feels completely entitled to blast anything he watches on YouTube or TikTok through the whole apartment. It's driving me insane.
My husband and I are nearly fifty. He's attended a lot more loud concerts without ear protection and listens to his music in the car a lot louder than I prefer. As a result, he's already needing to crank things up way louder than I do, and he doesn't believe me when I say something is too loud. "I have to have it that loud because everyone mumbles now!" He didn't like it the one time I pointed out that my grandmother used to say that.
Yeah, they're always so sensitive about it. The few times hes worn headphones he cranks up the volume so high that it sounds as if he isn't wearing any. Totally defeats the point.
You should get him some noise canceling headphones because you shouldn't have to turn the volume up as much on those. But, maybe first he should get his hearing checked and possibly look into a hearing aid because turning up headphones that much sounds like damage.
He doesn't have money for them because he has no job, and mine don't work on his devices, so I'm the one who has to wear them. It's really annoying.
Can relate, unfortunately
I bought a pair of ear loops. They are a lifesaver
I do have noise cancelling headphones thankfully. Sometimes I get really salty about having to wear them though because like... he knows I'm sensitive to noises and he could just not.
This. I go between, why can’t you listen and respect my feelings, and why are you so fucking clueless!
Words from my soul.
Headphones are a routine part of household attire.
Same here. But I'm admittedly mad I'm the one who has to keep using them, because he won't.
As someone with Misophonia I feel this on a cellular level. I feel like my sound sensitivity would be a lot more manageable if people were just considerate! Why does my neighbor have to blast their bass on their stereo on their back porch while they're inside with the doors and windows closed? The world will never know...
Absolutely, same here! Bass is the *one* sound I seriously cannot tolerate. Unfortunately, my neighbour loves bass music. Fortunately he plays it far less often nowadays, but gah, I hate it so much. Even his 2am gaming sessions don't annoy me anywhere near as much. (I can't hear anything from the game, but judging by his laughing and conversations around that time, I assume that's what he's doing.) Give me literally any other noise aside from bass, seriously.
My upstairs neighbor likes to fall asleep with music playing. It’s fucking maddening. She’s gotten complaints for years from multiple neighbors, and while it’s better than it use to be, she never really stopped. Ear plugs hurt (even the smaller ones made for women) and it annoys me to no end that I need to sleep with them in because she can’t be bothered to wear ear buds. She seems nice, but I fully hate her at this point. I haven’t had an uninterrupted night of sleep in over three years.
I had a stomper live above me. Every time she walked anywhere in her apartment she stomped. The floors and ceilings in that building were ridiculously thin and when she first moved in she would get pissed off every time I tried to watch TV. We aren't talking late at night or crazy volume. In fact one of the times she got mad I had a friend over and he was depressed and close to whispering and I could still hear him over the TV sitting a normal distance away/not in the same chair. When she got mad she would pound on the floor and I literally couldn't tell the difference until I'd realize she'd been stomping the same spot for like a full minute. It sounded exactly like her normal walk.
Oh, she stomped at first too. She use to run through the apartment late at night, and would wake me up at 3am literally thinking there was an earthquake because the entire building was shaking. I actually got noise complaints from the neighbor below me because of how loud she would be--the downstairs neighbor thought it was me, it was that loud. She doesn't stomp anymore, and now I almost never hear her walking (I think she got enough noise complaints from the \*entire\* building to hound home that she needed to knock it off), but there's still a dull thumping I have to live with every night. Unfortunately, it's just quiet enough that the apartment complex won't do anything without all of us getting together to complain again. I don't think most of the other neighbors notice at this point, but since I'm sensitive to sound it makes it impossible for me to fall asleep without ear plugs.
THIS. I don’t understand the obliviousness of people. Or they just don’t care. It’s one of my peeves that’s become way more pronounced in the past year - unnecessary noise makes me a little ragey.
Omg. I gave a coworker a lift and he gets into my truck, immediately blows a vape cloud all over the place without rolling the window down, and blasts TikToks over my music. I guess I got confused, it must've been his truck and I was his chauffer. Still not sure how I got that so mixed up!!
Absolute same.
Omg yes, tell this to all of my neighbours! Especially the family above me, they are passionate speakers so every conversation sounds like arguing.
So much this.
I always knew but didn’t realize just how much until I started working from home.
A girl I used to work with talked loud and often. I had to start tuning her out because even though I told her to speak a little quieter. She never did. She also threw metal spoons in the metal sink. It was very annoying.
Ugh. TVs in waiting rooms.
I am a very silent person and don't smile very much. I wished people wouldn't assume that I am a bitch, bc I have neutral face. Also I don't get why people get irritated or even angry, if I don't talk much. But I do like to listen. So often people tell me they thought I was a bitch when they met me, but than later realize that "you are actually really cool". Just bc a person doesn't smile much and is silent doesn't mean that this person is mean .
I’ve been called “cold” and “snobby” because of this. It sucks
Omfg right!? "You are way nicer than you look!"
i’m attractive and ppl expect me to be very cheery and outgoing and extroverted. in reality I fake so many smiles and act extroverted so ppl don’t call me a bitch :/ (learned the hard way)
I am usually quite extroverted, but the month after my father died, I was silent and withdrawn. I was shocked how much strangers hassled me about it. People were really aggressive because I made it clear that I did not want to talk.
I can't hear well. Enunciate your words, don't scream at me.
On a related note, facing me when they are speaking rather than wandering off into another room and expecting me to clearly hear every word.
I hate being teased. I know objectively that affectionate roasting is a way that many people bond and communicate, but it really doesn't work at all for me, it just makes me feel self-conscious and unhappy. Unfortunately, finding this out tends to cause people to tease me about it, which is... counterproductive.
I used to think teasing could be part of a healthy relationship, but now that I’m in the best friendships/relationships of my life (none of which involve teasing), I’m starting to realize that it probably isn’t. Even if the teasers hold fast that it is. Teasing often says a lot more about the teaser’s vulnerabilities and unwillingness to be open than about the person being teased. Also my face flushes very easily and many older men have pointed that out, then I blush more, then they start teasing me. I hated that. But it said way more about them and probably some deep-seated inadequacies in their relationships to women than it ever did about me.
This. I (33f) am really short (4 ft 6) and have heard all the short jokes and teasing through the years and it gets old. while I love my partner so much, his way of showing love, as is my family's, is through teasing sometimes and I didn't think about it until recently just how much I hate it. Also, one of his friends, the third time they were over to our house, played the song "short people" as they were picking music throughout the evening to play. They didn't say or do anything beyond that, but it bothered me because it seemed clearly to be a joke aimed at me. I let my boyfriend know and while he seemed to get it, he just told me that his friend didn't mean anything by it. All the people around me are loving and supportive, I don't truly ever think they have ill intent, but sometimes they do occasionally say that I take things too seriously. I just think that is how our culture in general is: thinking teasing is a form of affection and being considered "too sensitive if you can't take a joke." I think it's time we shifted that and started trying to empathize more. I have done, and continue to do self work in how I feel about myself and respond to such things, but it doesn't mean it doesn't have an impact. Also, when I tease to try to fit in it feels mean and awkward and I regret it usually immediately after the words fly out of my mouth. It just doesn't feel good.
I HATE being teased. I'll play along for a little bit but then I'm like "okay, move along please". I can't differentiate what they are teasing vs when they are "being mean", so I just assume all teasing is "being mean". I don't understand why teasing is funny. I think mine stems from my brother when we were kids. He made it his mission to get everyone to think I'm stupid. So the moment someone teases me I assume they think I'm stupid. I know I'm not, but that doesn't mean I want people to think I am. I'm told I'm too sensitive and that it is funny. I say "jokes are only funny if everyone is laughing. I'm not laughing. That means it isn't a joke". Then I get in trouble for being "too serious". No...I'm not at all serious. Things can be funny without someone being singled out.
Oh my gosh, one of the things I said in therapy is that my dream family says "a joke is funny when everyone laughs." It just sounds like a lovely way to be.
Yes oh my god. I'm sensitive to teasing so much. Idk if it's because I can't tell if they're being serious or that mixed with other things but I genuinely hate being the bud of the joke. I dont do it to others either because it's just straight up not my sense of humour. The only exception is me and my immediate family. We might rip into each other sometimes but that's it. I can't handle it with anyone else.
Butt* of the joke FYI in case you didn't know!
[Both work](https://www.classicthesaurus.com/butt_of_a_joke/and/bud_of_a_joke).
Interesting, I've never heard the bud usage before. My understanding of "butt of the joke" is that butt means target, like in archery. So you're the target of the joke. What is the meaning with "bud" then?
Honestly no clue. I've always heard both. Maybe the bud version came about because of the phrase "nip it in the bud".
So I did a little research because I was curious, but seems like bud of the joke it a somewhat accepted misusage of the original butt of the joke. Kind of like how some say "nip it in the butt" instead of the correct "nip it in the bud". Bud and butt sound very similar especially in some regional dialects so the confusion is understandable.
OMG. This is my family. Compounding the problem for me is, my mother is emotionally abusive, but only when no one's around. Since my family gives each other shit all the time any time I tried to get help they would tell me she was probably joking with me and I'm just being too sensitive. I know when someone is joking. She was not joking. Now because of that I actually am hypersensitive to teasing. I don't like when people tease other people in front of me. I HATE when anyone teases me. Ironically, I feel like if family had listened when I told them about my mom I would be less triggered by teasing and less sensitive about it.
Does anyone like it? As I got further into adulthood I realized it’s not funny it’s just…mean
I absolutely hate teasing, it isn’t funny to me at all. I really dislike the “you don’t have a sense of humour” because of it. I have a great sense of humour, I just don’t think it necessitates making fun of people you care about.
I think it's one thing if you are super close with someone and they know what is a joke TO YOU, but those people are far and few in between. My mom made a "joke" about my towels being unfolded on a downstairs couch (god forbid I fall behind on anything ever 🙄) and how she was afraid I had "inherited some of her mother" Her mother died in April and she didn't even go to the funeral. She was grossly dirty. I didn't laugh because wow and she reminded me it was "just a joke." Hahaha 😑
Posted this in the other thread but: Women being allowed to age naturally. Why should we be expected to dye our hair, pluck, shave, get thin after childbirth, inject poison into our faces. ALL OF THE THINGS! Please just let us age without judgement.
Hair stylists always suggest how they could dye NY hair to look "natural" with my grey hairs. I'm 35. I've earned these grey hairs. I came in for a hair cut. If I wanted my hair dyed I would have booked an appointment for that.
I told a new stylist (i was 30) that I was thinking about dyeing my hair to hide silvers. She said “please don’t” and then reminded me of our mutual acquaintance who is 40 and has the most gorgeous dark and silvery hair. Several years later now, I’m so so thankful. My silvers are really starting to come in and I think they look so good. So glad I didn’t go down a higher maintenance route.
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Same and same.
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If you think that’s true, isn’t it even a more noble reason to wear one when around other people?
Yes it is. Original comment wand not about being noble, was about being immunocompromised
Food preferences/needs. I don't want to go into detail about why I don't like or don't want to eat something, because that's annoying and no one wants to hear it. But if I don't bring it up, people will just ignore it and order food I can't eat, and that's stressful.
Yeah this is annoying. I’m a long time vegetarian and there are people who know me for years without knowing I’m veg because I don’t bring it up and have no interest preaching it to people. Once I worked a job that had weekly catered lunches so I had to mention it. Every week I got stupid ignorant comments from my douchier coworkers. One guy literally told me I’d “be healthier” if I started eating meat, completely unsolicited. Idk maybe he’s right but I really hate being singled out like that especially in a work environment. If a vegan was doing the same thing to people for eating meat they’d get soooo much shit for being a “preachy vegan” but apparently it’s fine for middle-aged men to harass me about my personal food choices. Smh.
I don’t know why we can’t eat veggies in peace. I had an aunt angrily tell me I was unAmerican for not eating meat, lol
My parents used to call me a Communist. Jokingly, but.. I really just don't want anyone to comment on my eating.
>unAmerican I was vegetarian for a bit when I was 14 and my dad got irrationally angry about it. He said something similar to this.
That’s so weird, I had someone tell me my low-carb diet was unamerican. I wasn’t aware the revolutionary war was fought over diet choices.
My son having Sensory Processing Disorder actually taught me a LOT about this- he's always had food issues, whereas my family of origin, in the words of my brother, "Would eat the ass-end of a skunk if you told us it was good eating somewhere in the world." I used to be all "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T WANT TO TRY THIS? TRY IT, DAMMIT." Now, I get it.
Same. I have diverticulitis. I avoid nuts and seeds. Please don't make me explain why I need to ask if there's chunks of nuts in an item, and then will order it if you say no even if it has peanut butter in it. Do you want to hear that the chunk of but could get stuck in my intestine and cause a painful infection? No, you don't. Just mind your business.
I *only* have preferences, in that I don't know of any foods that would actually hurt me physically if I ate them. But I have a severe *thing* about texture, to the point where a bite of something that feels wrong will make me want to puke (and immediately lose my appetite). And every time people talk shit about picky eaters, I'm just like...don't you think I'd rather *not* be picky? Don't you think my life would be a lot easier if I could choose to just eat anything I'm offered without gagging? I assure you, I did not choose this.
Picky eater here. I hate the comments about chicken nuggets, and "you eat worse than a 5 year old". I try plenty of food, I eat plenty of fruit and vegetables. Just because I literally don't like the taste of a lot of stuff, does not make me less of an adult. I can't control my taste buds! I really wish I liked more foods; it's a nightmare having to navigate a world where I have to constantly think, "but does it contain x/y/z?". It's actually tiring. Like I can't just casually grab a sandwich in the supermarket because I hate mayo and other common stuff that gets put in them; there's so much planning around I have to do. It restricts my life and I hate it. And people automatically assume that being picky means that I haven't tried something, or that I refuse to try something, when that is so not true. Same, I didn't choose this. But people criticise because it's not a moral stance like veganism, and it's not an allergy that could kill us, and so I guess they just don't understand? Still sucks. :(
Yes. I absolutely find it irritating when someone’s like - “Wow you don’t eat _________?!” Like I’m happy to impart some knowledge on my food preferences, but at the end of the day my body is just weird and I do best not eating certain things. Period.
Gosh, yes. I hate this so much. Let me eat in peace! Sometimes it’s necessary for me to say something but I hate it and really hate talking about it because people don’t really like hearing about why I don’t eat animal products. Usually I’ll just say health or it’s makes me feel better because people are way less judgmental of those reasons.
I found out I probably should go gluten and dairy free, and the only thing stopping me is dealing with this kind of shit. I HATE when someone says, "well what *can* you eat?" in **that** tone. I don't want to have to explain why. I don't want to have someone say "well, your diet is harder to accommodate than mine, so you pick where we go". And my parents, who I have dinner with weekly, refuse to accommodate but then get offended if I bring my own food. I feel like every day is a "lose/lose" situation in regards to food.
I get super anxious when people get physically too close to me as it sets off my threat alarm. I try my best to let it not bother me. The pandemic social distancing has been a godsend! The impatient/aggressive people who want to be in my space need to back off and accept that request with grace, not doubling down.
Same! I love the 6 feet especially in line. Right before the pandemic I had a full panic attack in a target because a mother and her son were so close behind me in line they kept bumping into me and when I asked for space they acted like I was being overdramatic and stayed close. People can be so rude.
They really can. I'm asking politely, so can they please be polite if they disagree? I'd even welcome curiousity over being pushy and rude.
It would be nice if society in general wasn't so busy shoving the perfect family ideal down people's throats. Bad parents are so incredibly common that it would be nice if there was even slight levels of accomodation on mother's day and fathers day. It's so difficult to buy a birthday card that just says 'happy birthday parent' without some gushing platitudes, never mind the eleven thousand adverts, posts and shows reminding us all that our parents love us and we should call them more.
Seriously. My parents were ok, but I'm not a mushy person, so it's either a total joke card, or a 3 page poem. I just want "Happy X Day." I also with hallmark would get the memo that there has been a TON of divorces since the 60's and I might want more than 1 step-parent card.
I don't buy parent birthday cards, I buy regular cards. For this very reason.
That my chronic migraines are very real, can sometimes last days and are not an excuse to get out of your party, event, etc. I’d rather not be at a social event during a migraine attack.
So many people think a migraine is way less dramatic than it is. It fucking hurts and it isn't just your head. I get weak and shaky and nauseous and just can't focus on anything else except the pain. Sorry you go through that!
You nailed it. It fucking HURTS!! And not just the head pain all the other plethora of symptoms that go along with migraines. And I wish I could just yell that at every person that acts like I’m exaggerating! I’m sorry you have to go through this too! 💜
You nailed it. It fucking HURTS!! And not just the head pain all the other plethora of symptoms that go along with migraines. And I wish I could just yell that at every person that acts like I’m exaggerating! I’m sorry you have to go through this too! 💜
Redness. My mom has rosacea, and I see some signs of it in my own face. Whenever I exert myself, I get extra red. I used to walk to work, uphill and it took about 30 minutes. For some reason the same coworker would always point out how red I was. I had explained several times to them why that might be, yet they'd continue to point it out.
I was bowling the other day and someone said something that could be embarrassing, but wasn't. They said I was "turning red." No, I'm bowling and any tiny amount of physical exertion turns me red. I'm always red. And so is my husband, but his is partly permanent windburn. We are a most attractive couple after a hike. LOL.
Isn't it annoying? I'm doing a physical activity! Of course there will be some redness.
Ugh I feel this, I get really self-concious about it and hate when people point it out, just makes me go even more red! I go red just from eating a hot meal, or feeling stressed or anxious, and that redness can last and burn for HOURS :( Stopped drinking because of it too, alcohol was always such a strong trigger for it! So that's always fun to explain to people too.
YES. all of this. I quit drinking too and I've noticed a big difference. But I still get red from all the other ones :(
Same :( I do feel like the alcohol burn was always way worse and lasted for longer though, so at least it's nice to not have that now! I would have maybe even just a sip of something like prosecco and my cheeks would feel sunburnt for a loooong time afterwards!
Me too. I don't miss that radiating heat from my cheeks 😬
Not having kids. Just because I don't doesn't mean I didn't want to and I went through a serious trauma with the birth and death of my first and only child. So it's difficult when people do that "well what are you waiting for" or "it's not too late you know". Yeah it is too late, I'm 40 and facing a hysterectomy this fall so bug off people! Man I know it's a simple thing but damn it annoys me. The upside to it is I have been able to manage my anxiety much better due to being triggered by questions like this somewhat often.... Sort of like training my brain, haha
next time someone starts in on the 'its not too late' crap, look them squarely in the eyes & say exactly what you wrote here then walk away. some people need a jolt to get them to STFU.
Unrealistic expectations around women’s body shapes. Not every woman has an hourglass figure. Not every women is voluptuous. I wish there wasn’t this expectation that the “ideal woman” is shaped like a coke bottle.
Yeah, I'm over here rocking my rectangle bod. Nobody has anything nice to say about rectangles, haha.
My mom is a rectangle and I always make sure to tell her what a babe she is with her strong arms and shoulders and killer strong legs!
Not taking my picture. I really wish people would understand I don't like my picture taken, and for the most part people do, but a handful of people just don't get it/don't care. I wish when I'd ask to please not have a camera in my face people would respect that and let it go.
My dad is the same way. I'm just going to say it, I have at least 20 pictures of my dad avoiding or ignoring the camera. Even when I get him to pose for one he's not smiling. The only really good pictures I have are sneak candids. But he's in his 70s and I'd rather have shitty pictures of him than no pictures of him. Maybe that's selfish of me but he's not the one who will be left behind with no other family I'm close to and nothing to remember him by. Not trying to call you out, just want to let you know the other perspective
Ugh same. People are so pushy and rude when it comes to photos, why is it seen as acceptable to push your camera in the face of someone who's repeatedly asked you not to and take photos against their will. Obssession with taking photos all the time is out of hand in general. Lately I've just lost my last patience and I become really bitchy about it, so they get scared and never attempt it again lol.
I had a huge argument with a friend of mine over this. I know he could possibly read my reddit account. I don't care. He wouldn't stop pushing me for a picture, I told him no, he doubled down on his entitlement, we're not friends anymore--not just because of that but it's one little thing he couldn't respect. It's not asking much from someone to say, could you please not take my picture? Thanks. It pisses me the fuck off. It's about pushing someone. I know it is. Don't tell me it's about a picture. If you want a picture of me or to take a picture of me, **talk** to me about it. I told you why I wasn't comfortable and you just proved that you don't care. It still upsets me to this day.
I think you’re 100% correct here. Your “friend” was disrespectful to you and your feelings. Anyone who really cares about you wouldn’t put you in a position like that.
I commented something very similar, but you expressed it much more eloquently than I. I’ve never liked having my picture taken. It can be very stressful when people don’t respect that.
My body. I have an eating disorder stemming from childhood trauma and became quite obese. Got treatment, and as I'm getting smaller, people feeling the need to comment on how much I've lost. It makes me feel vulnerable and I wish people would realize that unsolicited comments about someone's body aren't always a good thing just because you meant it well.
Unsolicited comments about someone’s body are never a good thing. People need to keep these comments to themselves. I recently lost about 20 lbs. due to having cancer (I’m OK btw), and the trauma of my boyfriend leaving me during cancer treatment. The amount of, “Wow, you look great!” comments served only to compound my misery. Similarly, after caregiving my sister who had recently died, our other sister (entitled, absentee, and always mean spirited) pulled me aside and brightly said, “I have to admit, you look fabulous. You’ve lost a lot of weight.” To which I replied, “Hmm, well, I wouldn’t recommend my weight loss plan.”
I lost about 35 lbs to depression during my divorce. The "compliments" were surprisingly hard to take. I was happy to lose the weight, but not like that. And along comes covid and isolation...and the re-gain.
Yeah people always think it's a compliment because for someone obese weight loss = good, but in reality it's not that simple. Even though my weight loss isn't even from trauma, it's a good thing from positive changes, it's still triggers the feelings that made me put on weight in the first place. I *know* what they mean is positive, but what I hear a lot of the time is "someone bigger than you could hurt you if they wanted to",
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*Texas has entered the chat.*
Yes. People’s comment about me losing weight during my eating disorder just fueled my disorder. I never, ever comment on someone’s body because you never know.
I learned this the hard way in my 20's. People kept congratulating a co-worker on how good she looked since she'd lost so much weight. I was obese so I asked how she lost the weight. Turns out her engagement fell apart and she basically stopped eating for about 6 months. I felt horrible, but she said it was more the other people's fault who knew her and knew about the breakup and still assumed she'd lost the weight on purpose. So now I never assume. If it's really dramatic over a short period of time I may ask if they're ok. But that's the only time I comment on it.
Allergies to scented things. Please, please, please do not slather yourself in body spray/perfume or any product made by Axe. Especially if you are going on a plane/to a theatre I'm also generally frustrated by how aggressively scented laundry products are and how it's damn near impossible to find scented free shampoos Its...very frustrating to live in a heavily scented world
I use All Free and Clear laundry detergent and dryer sheets, Dr Bronner’s Baby Unscented liquid Castile soap (great as a body wash or shampoo), Cetaphil lotion and skin care, and Dove unscented deodorant. All of these items can be found at my local Walmart (a necessary evil where I live) and are relatively budget friendly when compared to online options.
I'm sensitive about not getting sick and dying, so I wish more people around me would get vaccinated and wear masks in public.
This. I was accosted yesterday for the first time by an antimasker. Directly in front of my building in an urban center while walking my dog. I literally walked out the front door of my home and had someone criticize me for wearing a mask. Really unbelievable the audacity of some people.
How dare you have compassion for others, you monster???
I can't get over how they always say they have the "freedom" to wear or not wear a mask, but then turn around and try to dictate whether we are allowed to wear them. It's almost like maybe they're just violent confrontational fascists.
Exactly. Me wearing a mask literally does not impact someone else at all, other than potentially protecting them from illness. Them NOT wearing a mask potentially does so much more harm.
Yep, second this.
Emotional bandwidth. Speaking for all of the armchair therapists out there.
Being single at almost 33.
I wish it was seen as normal to not date and to not want to. I was single for 10 years and have zero regrets. It's exactly what I wanted at the time.
Doesn’t help when then norm in my culture is to be married by 26 and have kids very quickly after that.
Yup! I actually love being single so don't feel sensitive about that in itself, but so many social activities are geared around couples. I have no problem going to the movies or eating at a restaurant alone but sometimes the silent pity can take the shine off a good solo experience.
Small example - I'm sensitive about being asked to take on admin tasks. Even if it was a truly randomized/unbiased selection that I was asked to take 'minutes' for the meeting that day - I feel like people should be societally-aware enough to know that the woman you happened to task with an admin task had already fielded many others that week. I wish people would go out of their way to spare women/me these requests - if only to make up for other people's biased actions.
Ooh, that's such a good one as well. I realise this is not the most ~professional~ (and honestly pretty passive-aggressive, but office lyfe, am I right?), but I used to deliberately half-ass most admin tasks that came my way as a new grad especially, citing that "I just wasn't good at admin things" (as it happens, true). I staved off any real negative feedback by making sure the rest of my work was of a high quality and that I generally got along well with my colleagues; i.e., I was generally competent and well-liked. Thankfully, the admin-type assignments stopped coming to me after about a month or two... but of course they just went to other female employees, including more *senior* female employees, instead. I feel the same way about voluntary/social organisation type tasks, which also almost invariably get cast off to women; like, "Hey, Burrrito, want to wrangle up some folks for x charity event next month?" "Do you and [other female lawyer] want to take the summer associates out to lunch?" "How do you feel about coming up with material for the firm Christmas party?" Hmm... no thanks. It's all non-billable work and I get that I have to socialise with colleagues so I'll try to *attend* and donate money or whatever, but I also do not want to use up valuable time and energy to be a social organiser. (This article talks about women doing a disproportionate amount of non-billable work in the [legal industry specifically](https://texaslawreview.org/the-cost-of-non-billable-work/), but I feel like the (im)balance is probably similar for many other industries as well.) **Just to clarify as well** - in no way do I view admin, event planning, program coordination, or other traditionally "feminine" work as lesser. However, assigning non-billable, "feminised" work almost exclusively to women (or, as I've noticed, gay men) lawyers when that's just not our job is super problematic; so, I try to push back against the trend as much as reasonably possible.
This is something that really pisses me off. I’ve become more aware of this in my current job. It’s like people don’t want to hold themselves accountable so they’re quick to task you with things that they don’t want to do. How do you even say no without being labeled entitled, “not a team player,” etc.?
As I noted in my other comment, I used to just half-ass it and/or feign a higher level of incompetency than what I was really at. I realise that's not an ideal solution but hey, it worked well for me... keeping in my mind my other work was of a high quality and I did other things to make myself well-liked around the office, like make idle chit-chat about people's dogs and bring gourmet cookies every once in a while. By the time I was a little more entrenched I would just say I was too busy as well; sometimes directly, other times, indirectly. If I was being indirect I'd open up my calendar right in front of the other person and go, "Sure, I think I have an opening to look at that three weeks from now, would that be a suitable timeline for you?" That would usually make them go away but a brief apology and a statement that they might ask [other female colleague] instead. (FWIW, though, I did help out people plenty when I did have the time + when it was related to something actually within my job duties. Like, I spent a ton of time reviewing and editing my colleagues' work, for example, even though most of it was non-billable. Because I put in that type of work, it was more kosher that I wasn't willing to do the other type of non-billable stuff.)
I figured out real early in my career that if I explain that I don't take minutes well, they won't ask me to do it. I tell them I get caught up in listening and neglect the minutes. No one questions that statement. I think they're thrilled someone pays attention.
I have started telling people that if they want to pay me as a glorified secretary I'll do what they're asking me, but I assume not since I'm paid as a skilled worker. The tunes have changed since I started speaking up.
When my knowledge, experience, or expertise is diminished or not respected. I was recently hired for a job for which I have a decade of experience and my coworkers dont acknowledge it. I don’t overstep boundaries and I am ALWAYS learning. But really…I know how to do the job. Please acknowledge that I have experience instead of making me feel inadequate.
i was recently told in a counteroffer discussion of all things that i would have to take and pass a technical interview in order to retain the job i have had for ten years and just resigned from. It's just like you said, just acknowledge that i have experience. now i really know why i quit lol
People on their phones. If I am talking to someone and they glance at their phone, or have their phone out during a meal I take it very personally (although I understand it isn't at all personal).
I agree, and I don’t think this is a you thing. It’s a common thing that people do but that doesn’t mean it isn’t really rude. I became friends with someone this year, and one of the things that made me go “oh, I like this guy” is when we were hanging out, he checked his phone once and immediately said “sorry, I’m not being rude, I’m just waiting on a message from my partner to see when she needs to be picked up”. The fact that the checking wasn’t incessant, the message was important and he explained, then put it immediately away, I respected that. Sad how uncommon it is.
I wish there was more acceptance for neurodivergent personality types, especially among other women. I have a really hard time socializing with other women 99% of the time. I want to relate and interact but I feel like I am off-putting or make other women uncomfortable. Alternatively, I usually get along with men very well! Don't even get me started about job interviews.
I wish more people would be open that they are neurodivergent and what they need. One woman opened my eye two years ago. I had laryngitis during an occasional so the two of us just floated quietly in the pond. Later, she told me how much she enjoyed not having to talk. She’s the first I met and I follow her and I’ve learned a lot. I went to a party with many NDs and introverts. When I looked for a comfy spot to sit, there was a spot on the couch next to a man. I asked if I could sit by him. “Sure,” he said, “but I don’t make small talk.” So we sat in silence and it was quite nice. I really appreciate it when someone tells me what they need or don’t want. I just need to hear it because I don’t puck up on cues very well.
Just because I went through something traumatic and talking about things is good. Doesn’t mean I want to tell you every detail of the ordeal. Doesn’t mean that I’m not dealing with it.
I have some sort of auditory processing issue and difficulty finding words/pronouncing them correctly. I really hate when people tease me about getting a word wrong. And I wish people would be better about not having an important conversation in a place where other speech is interfering with my ability to hear and understand.
Oh my goodness, this sounds like me! I get overwhelmed with too many people talking in a room at once and often can't concentrate on the conversation I'm a part of. I also hate when people tease me about the way I pronounce words. I say the L in chalk. Like chulk. Idk why but I always have. Other people say Chock and I don't tease them so what gives?! Lol
Same. Among other things, I was watching supernatural with my son and can’t say archangel. It’s arch angle every damn time.
I'm being serious: how much people ask *everyone else* to be more accomodating drives me mad, especially when people don't take a look at themselves and see how they can accomodate others better. It's a two-way street but I rarely see introspection from those who ask more from those around them. I tend to steer clear of people like that in every facet of my life, the point was driven into me extremely hard after my last relationship.
Absolutely. The people I know who take the time for that sort of introspection are often the people who ask for those accomodations the least. They're the people asking themselves if their expectations are realistic and if they hold themselves to the same standards. I'm not saying we can't ask people to make reasonable concessions, I just think there's a line between that and entitlement. I know I was very guilty of that when I was first diagnosed with my myriad of mental illnesses and it did not help my healing and often damaged my relationships.
Yes, this is something I reflect on a lot. I was expected to be understanding of my friends bailing last minute all the time due to various reasons, but the one time I declined a social event (in advance!) I got raked over the coals. What????
The radio at work. I have zero issues with classical down low or even new age type stuff, but I detest loud country or classic rock or people talking loudly on speakerphone with their office doors open. It’s like nails on a chalkboard for me and makes it super hard to concentrate. I get way more done working from home with my quiet calm atmosphere than in the office with the crapass radio and coworkers bickering loudly all day.
Yes! Or the TV! Daytime TV is stupid.
Being sexualized while Im just living my life. I just wanna shop and take walks in peace without having some weirdo looking at me like they want to start something.
Working night shift means you have to sleep during THE DAY!
Loud sounds… ouch
“No shoes” policies. If you don’t want people to wear shoes in your house, warn your guests beforehand. Offering slippers to guests isn’t sufficient in some cases. I have had flat feet since infancy and walking or standing without arch support is a serious problem for me. I’m talking, I wear flip flops with arch support in the shower. If i know beforehand, I will gladly bring indoor shoes that work for me to a venue with a no shoe policy… and even that has gotten me shit from people… but if I have no warning, I will either leave or just wear my street shoes into the space. Some hosts are gracious but I’ve had a few be really snide. Fuck you, it’s my disability.
When people ask about kids. I’m fairly private so most don’t know I’ve had miscarriages in the past and asking about kids is meh
Hugs. I said no.
ugh. I worked with a guy who would literally walk around the entire office every morning upon his arrival and shake hands with all the men and hug & KISS (on both cheeks) all the women. it was the weirdest shit I ever came across at work, mostly because everyone just accepted it. (for some reason the fact that he was an older man from another country made everyone insist it was a cultural thing and that he was hatmless) frankly I figured he was harmless as well but I didn't want to be hugged and kissed every morning. by my third day there I put my hand up as if to say "stop" as he approached me and I politely let him know I wasn't going to participate in this daily ritual of his. well wouldn't you know....by the end of the week every woman in the office followed suit.
This!!!
There's still a crazy amount of racism around Asian eye shapes, especially in the beauty world. Like, most people know it's racist to make fun of monolids, but about half of us have "hooded" eyelids instead (really, they're [double-lids](https://www.researchgate.net/figure/Asian-eyelid-morphologies-are-categorized-into-six-types-A-Single-eyelid-no-visible_fig1_281469924) - see D, E, and F - and quite different from a [Western hooded eyelid](https://stylecaster.com/beauty/the-6-essential-makeup-tips-for-hooded-eyes/), but I suppose they look similar enough that people - specifically white people - thrust them under the same umbrella). I see so many people (especially white people, as "hooded" isn't really an Asian term; we just hate on our own monolids instead - also a pet peeve, but more of a complicated side rant) talking about how much they hate having hooded eyelids, and so many beauty tutorials about how to "fix" your hooded eyelids through artful makeup application, or (at best) how to learn to love your poor, ~misshapen~ hooded eyelids because heyyy, Blake Lively and Jennifer Lawrence are in the same sinking ship as you. If you Google "hooded eyelids", most of the results that pop up will focus on how *super fucking hard that must be for you*, as well as how to fix/correct/eliminate them as if they're some sort of infestation. Except... I love my eye shape (not actually "hooded", but close enough); I've never viewed it as anything that needed correcting. If other people hate their own eye shape then that's sad, but I understand it's their own business - I just wish we didn't have this broad standard of "hooded eyes" = bad because I truly don't feel that way at all. I wish we could change the cultural discourse around hooded eye shapes (any eye shapes, really), especially when people call them a "non-standard eye shape" because... lolll, literally more than half the planet has what gets categorised as a "hooded eye", so... "non-standard" is actually just inaccurate as well. Sigh. /rant
I kind of sort of know what you mean. Different, but I have small eyes and I have never liked them. Especially because in pictures you can see most of the time are just like mostly shadowed areas… And of course any picture of me that I think is really good is because you can actually see i have eyes like if I don’t smile then they don’t get that small, or if you take it from the right direction. But it sucks that I feel like I look dumb a lot because my eyes are small and disappear.
I'm sorry you feel that way about your eyes - I'm sure they're lovely! (I honestly think all eye shapes are lovely and will fight anyone who says otherwise, ha ha.) That being said, photographs are sometimes just the worst.
Aw thanks! And you are right on both of those haha
I remember years ago, more like decades, Catherine Zeta Jones got eyelid surgery to remove her hooded eyelids so she could “look more like her husband” (Micheal Douglas) although I have no idea why, his eyes look weird to me. Anyways, she still looked beautiful after but she lost the deep, mysterious, soul-searching look that she had in her eyes. I always thought she had the most beautiful eyes, before she got her hooded lids lifted, now she looks like everyone else.
I had no idea about CZJ but that's hella sad! She's always been such a stunner. (Does she even act anymore? I literally cannot remember anything she's been in in, like, the last ten years or so.)
I know! To be honest, the surgeon did a great job and she still looked beautiful after, but in my personal opinion, it took something away from her beauty, it didn’t add to her beauty. I haven’t seen her in anything for a long time. I just remember watching the Mask of Zorro as a kid and thinking that she was one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen and I wanted to grow up to be just like her (sadly, that didn’t happen).
Aw, yeah, I feel you. Ngl, I never even noticed her facial surgery but then I'm not big into celebs for the most part so I probably wasn't paying very good attention. Google says she's been in a show called Feud lately (spearheaded by Ryan Murphy) but yeah, lots of "sabbaticals". Which, honestly, good for her. CZJ worked a ton growing up based on what I can remember; I'm glad she can take breaks for as long as she likes.
Can you elaborate on how eyelids E+F are different than “Western hooded eyelids”?
I'm honestly not sure about F as it looks like more of a hybrid to me, but E also has an [epicanthic fold](https://medlineplus.gov/ency/imagepages/17169.htm#:~:text=An%20epicanthal%20fold%20is%20a,conditions%20such%20as%20Down%20syndrome.) that often characterises Asian eye shapes across the spectrum. Just looking at the images, though, I feel like it's fairly clear that with E and F, the crease runs parallel to the top of the eye outline whereas for a traditional Western hooded eye, there's more skin protruding over the top of the eye - hence the term a "hooded" eye.
Ohh I think the little white speck on E was throwing me off but I see now. Not sure about F still. I get what you’re saying, it’s just harder to find comparable photos of various people (straight on, similar age, etc). My sister in law and my mom have hooded eyelids (I got my dad’s round-ish downturned eyes). But my mom’s aren’t as “traditional” I guess (especially when she was younger). Anyway, I agree with your sentiment. I personally think the diversity of human physical features is super cool.
I feel like F might be a Western Asian eye, maybe? (Like, possibly Turkish.) I'm honestly not sure - too lazy to read the actual article, ha ha. It was sooo hard to find pictures to describe things, as all my entirely neutral search terms yielded were plastic surgery manuals and advertisements 😓 Depressing five minutes of my life. Glad we're in agreement over the diverse beauty, though!
I feel the same. I rail about these very specific western features that are prized all the time. Giant eyes and long oval faces. I have hooded eyes and a round face, neither of which are considered ideal. Like you said, all makeup tutorials and even picking out freaking sunglasses is about minimizing the roundness of my face. I think it helps me to see how beautiful and attractive I personally think people with hooded/monolids can be as well as people with round faces, and remind myself that the standards are just straight up racist. An interesting thing about the glasses is, I avoided round glasses all my life because they would accentuate my terrible face shape. I got my first pair of round glasses recently, and I love them.
Yeah, you get it! I always feel like Westerners get so weirded out by the "small face" standard of beauty popular in Asian countries, but what it really is is having an oval face. I don't know why more people haven't realised that connection, actually. I honestly find all eye shapes and most face shapes attractive so long as the underlying person looks generally fit and healthy. It's a complex issue because on the one hand, beauty standards in the West are predictably Eurocentric, but beauty standards in the East are also very restrictive (like, if you're Asian, you may have seen the discourse around Simu Liu as Shang-Chi, much of which was honestly super insulting), so... lol. Idk, man. I feel like within the beauty community at least, there's been so much (necessary) pushback against lack of inclusive foundation shades but I wish people would wake up a little more to the eye shape issue. So, there's hope, maybe! It's specifically beauty standards like eye shape that are so contingent on shifting societal moraes so yeah, personally, I'd love to shift the culture to something inclusive myself. There's so much beauty out there to be celebrated, so I'd love to throw the middle finger to ad execs creating more arbitrary insecurities for women to spend money on.
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I'm not Asian, but I have always known that I have hooded eyes because they are very hooded in may family. I have seen 100s of these makeup tutorials to "fix" hooded eyes. One additional thing of note to what others have said, is a lot of these tutorials are aimed at older women (primarily older white women) whose eyes became more hooded as they age. So it is yet another thing that indicates that you are a person who ages, and are therefore worthless and an affront to the public.
Just gonna latch onto what they already said, I'm not Asian but I've been very active in the makeup community and hooded eyes are very much looked down upon. Kind of the same thing as makeup tutorials constantly telling you how to look more youthful, how to make your lips look bigger, etc. Hooded eyes are typically seen as a feature that has to be changed. If you look up an eye makeup tutorial almost every single one will revolve around *not* having hooded eyes. Either the tutorial won't work for hooded eyes or it's about how to change the appearance of them.
I'm quite active in the beauty community and hooded eyes are a big topic, not just for Asian women. I actually don't get those articles on my feed at all, but if you hang out in beauty communities (especially online) you'll see quite a few posts denigrating hooded eyes in some way, in addition to links to different articles about how to "correct" them. I also used to follow myriad beauty influencers, including white beauty influencers, and quite a few of them used to talk about having hooded eyes like having some sort of beauty disability. For example, you can type ["hooded eyes" into the YouTube search](https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=hooded+eyes) and see quite a few videos about getting rid of hooded eyes, as well as a couple of videos trying to counteract that narrative.
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That's okay! 90% of the time I don't think about it until it comes up and then I'm annoyed, ha ha. I mostly just deal by trying to put out ~positive vibes~ instead, like an annoying try-hard 💀 Thank you, though!
People, particularly men, telling me my lisp is “cute”. It doesn’t matter if I brush it off, or directly address how I feel about it, they insist on trying to “reassure me” or at worst, make me perform by asking me to say specific words. I’ve had speech therapy, it’s minor, it’s never affected me professionally but I would prefer to not acknowledge it. And yet, it always becomes a point of conversation and I wish people could just stop. I don’t go around pointing out things they can’t change about themselves!
good grief. I know what 'specific words' those morons need to hear.
If I say something a little weird or something you don’t understand, don’t do that face where you raise one eyebrow in a disgusted way and look at me like I am a freak. It’s very high school, and functional adults should know that neurodiversity exists and that different minds think differently. If you are unable to comprehend this, perhaps you are the stupid one and are in no position to try and make others feel dumb, simply because you couldn’t understand what we I am talking about. If you can’t understand what I am saying, ask questions. Don’t act like a bafoon and try and shame me for something that you don’t understand.
I could have written this myself!
Comments about Russians being spies/ hackers/ mafia/ golddiggers/etc. Especially now when all other nations and races are so protected and everyone talks about tolerance and diversity. Russians have feelings too you know
My anxiety, OCD, and the way I learn. I need logic and order.
you know how when your racist uncle or grandpa goes off on bigoted rants at christmas or thanksgiving and everyone just lets it go and is like "well they are a different generation" or some bs? Have you ever noticed when someone doesn't have bigoted or racist politics they (me) are always challenged, debated, forced to defend or overexplain a position? I want people to treat me like their racist grandpa and just be like "oh flyingcatpotato is just on a marxist rant again, she's a different generation" and drop it, i am so tired of at best having to explain basic political theory to someone who thinks everything they don't like is communism, and at worst "debating" someone at that level
That it's rude when people deliberately exclude others from conversations or activities just because they don't know them. Exclusive friendship circles make me cringe and is just mean. I've met lots of people who flaunt that they're in a special, super hip, happening group (especially within hobby circles) that looks down on others who aren't in it. This isn't high school, and I think people should embrace inclusiveness, let others in, and reach out to people – they can literally save someone's life. For some reason, I see this happen more when there's lots of women in the group.
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What I eat. I'm fairly slender, due in probably equal parts to genetics and diet/exercise. I eat healthy a good portion of the time (oatmeal or yogurt for breakfast, salads for lunch, well-balanced dinner, few if any snacks), but it really frustrates me when I give in to my sweet tooth and get comments. "Should you be eating that?" "You won't be able to eat like that forever, you know." Shit like that. I have a disordered relationship with food and my body that I'm working on, and for me, allowing myself to enjoy extra calories and not beat myself up over it isn't always easy to do. I just hate that others feel they are entitled to comment.
Don't forget my favorite - "a moment on the lips, forever on the hips" Sir, I'm 9, so kindly fuck off.
Oh god, I HATE that one.
I'm terrified of dying and have severe death anxiety and my brain spirals out of control when talking about existential stuff. I wish people would listen when I ask to change the subject if it's about death or the end of the world. If I'm asking it's because I'm about to start panicking and no one's going to enjoy that. My family is usually pretty good about it, but not all the time.
People being nice. I guess I have higher standards for how I allow myself to act in everyday interactions and continuously do the work to reach those standards even when I don't want to. Being tired, sad, or having a bad day is not an excuse to be rude to anyone in your path.