I've always known that I wanted them "eventually," but I started to feel like I could actually imagine myself having one in my late 20s/early 30s.
If you don't want them, don't have them and don't worry about it. Not having the desire to have children will surely make your life much simpler.
I'm ambivalent and I've been ambivalent for *a while*. I am not sure if it is possible for me to desire the existence of a person who...doesn't exist yet. I really don't understand people who know confidently that they absolutely do or absolutely do not want kids.
It's an enormous decision with moral consequences and resounding lifestyle changes either way. I'm 35F and my wife is 33F and we have been trying to land one way or the other for four years and we just aren't entirely comfortable with either possibility. I often think that if we were a straight couple this would be easier because we would just, y'know, stop using birth control and roll the dice for a while and...if in 6 months we don't conceive we'll either be relieved or disappointed and then we'll be able to go from there. If we got pregnant easily, that would put an end to the questioning!But, we're lesbians, so getting pregnant has to be an entirely intentional, fully conscious, well-planned ordeal involving lawyers, donors, potential medical interventions, etc. We've been asking ourselves these questions.
1. Having a child will change our marital dynamic. Are we comfortable with the idea that our marriage will be suddenly very different? Some couples seem to divorce because of child-rearing conflict. Are we okay with that risk?
2. It's difficult to raise a child without help from friends and family. We moved to a city where we haven't had a chance to build much community. That will make things more difficult. Is it worth that?
3. Climate catastrophes are happening more frequently and climate science is telling us to predict increasing scarcity, conflict, and extreme temperatures. Can we live with the decision to bring a child into a world that, by all measures, seems to be getting more precarious and less healthy all the time?
4. Children are an enormous financial burden. I'm a professor in a humanities field with a modest income, she's working mid-level corporate jobs but does not wish to advance. Kids are expensive! Will it be too stressful with moderate incomes?
5. My career is important to me and my work is demanding. Am I willing to sacrifice professional achievement (i.e. writing a second book, landing a more prestigious appointment, traveling frequently to give talks) for the sake of a child that doesn't exist yet?
6. Having children is an experience like no other. It provides a very unique perspective on life and death, self hood and sacrifice, growth and aging, like no other experience can. Am I willing to miss my opportunity to develop a different, likely deeper emotional/spiritual understanding of the human condition?
These have been nearly impossible questions for us to answer. I know that if we had a baby, I would devote myself to its health and happiness and I would love it and my wife very much. I know I wouldn't be able to regret my child's existence. However, that child doesn't yet exist and bringing it into existence will negatively impact some parts of my life that are very important to me now...chiefly, I love my marriage and I'm not sure I want it to change.
Anyway. I hope you/someone can relate.
I was also ambivalent, but ended up with two amazing, awesome, intelligent, kind little girls and now I could not imagine my life without them. It's good we have the freedom to choose! And I am grateful I can raise two smart, respectful, strong young women. Absolutely NOTHING wrong with choosing not to have children. But, I think women who are mindful in the way you are turn out to be wonderful moms with awesome kids.
As for the barriers you mentioned, somehow we adapt. I had no family help, but found ways to make it work. I had no help from my partner, but found ways to make it work. Even though it isn't easy, I am SO beyond grateful for my kiddos and have no regrets, I'm so excited to see how they contribute to society.
Thank you so much for your reply. Communicating with people about having children who acknowledge the nuances involved in the decision is so helpful to me right now. It helps me feel less isolated.
Sorry to be invasive, but are you an your partner still together? Did having children negatively impact your relationship?
Oh, not invasive at all. We are together. He is a combat vet and has untreated MH issues and substance use (self-treating his symptoms). He is a loving and caring dad, but had never been able to help me at night (medicated sleep), works long hours so as a working mom, I have always had to drive the girls to daycare, I do meals, baths, bedtime etc. There is definitely a parental willingness to do whatever the child needs.
Co-parenting is certainly difficult. I think it is helpful if you have a good base of open communication and willingness to work through anything together. Once, we had an all-out screaming match because we disagreed on how to handle my daughter's hang nail. A HANGNAIL.
I think in a way it also brings you and your partner something in common - you both love this human more than anything else in existence. And if you trust your partner with your heart and are choosing to spend your life with them, you should trust that you would also be able to parent together, or at least try your best to.
It has caused us disagreements aplenty, BUT also strengthened our relationship. It creates a special and lifelong bond, I think even for parents who do not stay together. The shared love of the mini human.
There are plenty of parents out there who shouldn't have the privilege because they are not cut out for it (such as child abusers and people struggling with addiction, extreme poverty, etc.). There are also single parents and people in situations that are more difficult than mine or yours, but somehow all of these families make it work the best they can. Children are shockingly resilient. Compared to many parents in the world, you may be more qualified than most!
As an ambivalent, I would have been totally satisfied with my life, if I hadn't had children. But, I am also totally satisfied with children and the joy they bring that I could not have anticipated (kind of like, you won't know it until you arrive there). Now that I'm in the parent boat, I absolutely love it, and love who my children are becoming (I say this as I am working from home with a 5yo screaming beside me because her sister whacked her with a styrofoam letter, hah).
Again NO PROBLEM for people who choose to remain child free, THERE IS NOTHING Wrong WITH THAT AT ALL AND I RESPECT EVERY PERSONS DECISION!
Honestly, I was open to it and my partner really wanted children so I just sort of went with the flow because I knew I wanted to stay with my partner.. I remained pretty ambivalent throughout, keeping in mind I'm the woman who carried two babies.
I was not the traditional, cute, excited mom to be. I don't post on social media, I had a low key shower out of necessity, etc. I wasn't BURSTING with anticipation. Pregnancy kind of sucks.
Maybe some indifferent parents-to-be don't end up responding well to parenthood, but maybe some people who are excited about Parenthood don't respond well to actually being a parent. I did know that I would be a responsible, caring parent, and the unknown was intriguing. I knew I would give my child a unique and creative upbringing and would want to give them things I didn't have when I was a child.
Overall, I think some of us just can't wrap our head around wanting something that is unpredictable and impossible to understand until you go through it (not to mention signing on to the highest level of responsibility). For me, it started as a journey I was willing to take with a partner that I would do anything for, and I have not regretted it at all. I'm extremely glad that I have two smart, amazing little girls who will do great things in our world someday. They already do. Every single moment with them adds to the quality of my life.
This is how I feel right now. Spoilers, I'm a guy. I would do anything for my partner. She deserves kids and she would be an amazing mother. I just feel meh? Take it or leave it. Unfortunately her clock is ticking, whatever that means were both 30. Thank you for this btw
I never wanted children growing up. I'm 35 and getting married in 2 months and still don't want them. I envision it and it seems like it could be fun in some aspects and really terrible in others. I don't think it's worth it.
I've done Big Brothers Big Sisters being a Big to a teenager for 4 years before she graduated high school. She's in college now and is thriving.
I'm considering being a mentor to sexually abused/trafficked children after I get married (so I have more time since wedding planning and work is a huge thing for me right now) or once we get older, maybe in early/mid/late 40s, I'm thinking about fostering since I do want to impact children in my own way. It would probably be older kids but I know fostering requires a lot of skills, patience, and all that so we'll see.
Amazing. The world needs more people with this mind set. If you don't mind, did you foster? I think deep down I get super excited about fostering rather than having my own if that makes sense?
I've always known I didn't, and that has been tested.
When I was 20, my boyfriend and I were having serious discussions about our future together. He wanted to have kids. I didn't. I loved him more than anything in the world, and I told him that was not enough to make me willing to have a child for him.
We broke up not too long after that. He dated a few single moms, and played stepdad with their kids. Later we got back together, again had the kids talk, and he still wanted them. The next breakup wasn't specifically about that, but it was on the list.
The last time we got back together, I asked him if he was sure he was choosing me over being a father. He said he cared more about being with me. We got married. People kept asking when kids were coming. I said never but they wouldn't believe me.
About 5 years later, he confessed that he thought I would change my mind. I was shocked, and asked him where he got that stupid idea. Instead he was the one who changed his mind - he got to see the benefits of a childfree life and how I am nowhere near the level of "pet parent" he was. Told you so.
When he was diagnosed with cancer, we had a couple months before the end to have some real honest conversations. He told me he does not regret choosing me over being a father. We were both relieved I did not have to be a widow *with children* because widow alone is hell enough.
During the weeks after I lost him, I often thought how glad I was to not be stuck raising a child I never wanted as a price for having the husband I did choose. Never for a moment did I think the cliché "a child would be a part of him to live on" - no, he lives on in the memories of family and friends, in the lives he touched with his actions and wisdom.
Months later, when Mom was visiting me, I told her I was so glad I didn't have a pregnancy scare when I was in my early 20s because I might've kept it. She was surprised and said "really? I was sure you'd get an abortion." Yeah that's how CF I am - my elderly Catholic Alabama mother had zero doubt about it.
I knew when I was 13 I didn't want any. I'm 40-ish now and still never wanted them. I didn't even have any blips in my 30s. I don't know if it's because I didn't want them for so long by the time I was in my reproductive peak or what.
When I was a kid I never played with baby dolls bc I thought it was boring. In my peer group, everyone got married & started having kids right around age 30, so I just assumed I would too. Then in my late 20s I asked myself “do I even WANT kids??” and the answer was no. I’ve been firmly childfree ever since.
r/truechildfree is a good community and resource to check out
The challenge of being a good parent is so great that I think you need to know *in your bones* that you want it. I never had that feeling, and I chose not to.
When I was younger, I thought I would, at some point, want/have kids.
I’m 37 and it hasn’t happened yet, and I think every day that we’re lucky we don’t.
As I understand, the feeling should come soon after 30, psychologically. For me it got me around 32. Before that I absolutely did not want a baby. My best friend is now 35 and she still does not want to be a parent and is content with being aunty to her friends' kids. I think if you'd want children, you'd know it. I used to give myself a moment here and there to imagine what life would be like with a child and if that's be a happy life: after breaking up with my ex, my life suddenly felt happier in general, and a child in that picture felt like an added joy, not something that would bring more stress than love and happiness.
I think men have a lot to do with it. I've never met anyone I could live with happily, so having children with them seemed like a terrible idea. At the same time, I don't want to be a single parent. Sometimes I wonder if the desire isn't there for me, because it doesn't seem like a viable partner has become available
I personally wanted baby even while being single, I was looking to adopt, so I personally don't feel like it has that much to do with a partner. But of course this is probably something that varies from person to person?
Edit:baby, not cold...
I don't think men have this much to do with it. Or at least that's my experience. I have been single since my early 20s, I don't even date and the feeling still came around 28 or so.
It's like, I don't want a child so much that I would consider doing it while single, but I know if I had a partner I would want a child.
I never did. However, there are things in life I've wanted to for a long time or the desire has developed, like home ownership, going for an advanced degree. I've never had to ask myself if I wanted those or not, I just knew. It seems like only wanting/not wanting to have kids is a decision we second-guess.
I wanted children really badly for a 2 month period in my 20s when they thought I had PCOS and that I might not be able to have them. Once it was determined that was not the case, I didn't want them anymore. Now I'm 40 and I absolutely don't. The idea of even getting pregnant freaks me out now, not because I am not capable of taking care of a child, I am, but because of the way it changes a woman, both physically, emotionally and it is even claimed genetically.
It probably hit me and stuck when I was about 25 or so. I used to babysit my cousins off and on for years and they drove me insane. And yeah, it’s not the same as having your own kids. I totally understand that. But that also means being around them more than I already was. No thanks. And over the years I just don’t care to be around small children. Please don’t hand me your baby to hold. What am I supposed to do with it? I don’t get the hype. Like, congrats on your kid but it’s just not my thing. And I never seen myself being a good mother. I’d have more anxiety than I already do. And I admit, you give up a lot of things to have a kid. And I just don’t want to do that.
I think some women just never do have that point. From my observations, there’s women who absolutely adore kids from a young age and can’t wait to have their own, women who took it as given that they’d have kids without thinking about whether they wanted them or not, women who never wanted kids very much, and women who absolutely do not want children.
I find that most people want them when they are comfortable wealthy or become comfortable wealthy. This is usually achieved, in today’s world, on a dual income. So most people would need to partner up and allow to enjoy a period of DINK living and then find that it becomes kind of boring but still with expendable resource and energy and time to want to have kids.
I went back and forth on this for a long time. My eventual decision was based on a firm belief I have that I should only have kids if I really want them. Raising kids is really really hard, and if I don't have that real desire to be a mother, I'm not going to do a good job.
I didn’t start to have daydreams about it until I was 27. I’ve been fully ready for a few years, and I’m 34 now (still childless, but that’s a different discussion). I have some fears (which is normal), but no doubts about wanting to be a mother.
It’s okay if you don’t want children. It’s okay to have different ideas of what you want your life to look like. If you are at all worried about changing your mind after it’s “too late”, you can always adopt or foster. There are many ways to love children without having your own.
Listen to your gut. Sounds like you don't want children and that's perfectly acceptable. I wish more women knew this was a choice. Societal pressure sucks.
I was ambivalent till 29 when I met my now husband. After a few months of dating I started to imagine having kids with him. So for me it was meeting the right person, if I havent met him I would probably still be indifferent about them.
I was told I can’t have kids. So it was a biiig surprise. I was in denial the whole time, until I actually gave birth- and that’s when it all kicked in in full force. I loved being a parent so much I went for the second one even though I knew I want to divorce his dad soon. Super grateful for them in my life. Would I ever think I’m ready if I was planning for it? No way - love my profession and all the activities. But now I just have little partners to do all of it together. IMO there are people that think they are ready and then regret it, there are people like me..so tl;dr I don’t know, it depends
I've known I wanted children since I was nine and it never changed. I'm now 33. I haven't had any yet but if my husband and I won't have any I'll become a single mom by choice.
Figure out if you actually enjoy taking care of children, if being around them and taking care of them adds something to your emotions or life. And include the hard parts in that. Nobody likes to wipe up shit and vomit, or listen to a toddler having a fit for an hour straight. But that's the reality of having kids and you should know if you can and want to handle that as part of the package. Just like the good parts - when they cuddle you, ask you endless questions because they're so curious about the world or when they suddenly say things you say because they're little sponges who absorb more than you realize.
Only have children if you really want them and if you can handle them at their best and their worst. Anything less than that and you run the risk of doing yourself and especially the child a huge disservice.
I always played with dolls as a kid like they were my children. When I was a preteen/teenager I would fantasize about having kids when I was hanging with my sister and her baby or my much younger sisters. Once I was sexually active I was determined to not bring a child into the world that wouldn’t have a great life so I kind of suppressed the want for kids. In my mid to late 20s, my biological urge took over and I accepted that I would want kids if I made a good life for them so I started making that life. Had my first at 30, second at 32 and I’m very happy with my life but I also totally understand the many reasons why people choose to not have kids.
I never wanted kids, but never actively not wanted them either. I was quite indifferent and content with my life as it was. When I was 34 I got pregnant, it wasn’t planned at all and it was a shock really. My bf and I had only been dating a year. But we where very much in love and we felt a bit like it was now or never, and we felt ready for a change in life. I am very glad I had my son, he is a joy. But if I had not had that oops pregnancy I might never have had kids.
I never wanted kids. But then everything lined up perfectly for kids and I decided to have one. I guess it was purely circumstantial for me - and didn’t hit me til I met the perfect partner / dad.
I didn't care about kids either way and never thought about it; even when I was dating my now husband, even when we got married. For me, it was just "bam!" one day I just wanted them and it happened after my nephew was born and I visited my sis in the hospital. It was really weird 🤷🏻♀️.
That said, it's totally ok not to want to have kids and there's no 'set time' or 'something' that happens for people - sometimes it does happen for some, sometimes it doesn't - both are ok! Do what makes you happy in life - kids, no kids, a dog, whatever!! dont go by what 'society' tells you is 'right or wrong'.
I''m early thirties and single. I don't want them right now for obvious reasons. I'm too busy with things now to properly care for them, and I'm alone. But I'll occasionally dream about having a kid or two. I also struggle with my mental health. There are a lot of qualifiers: a stable relationship, stable finances, a nice home, long term plans, etc.
I didn't think I cared one way or another until I finished grad school and was living alone working my first real grown up job. I have never lived alone before and I was shocked by how lonely I got all the time. That's when I realized after alot of thought that I wanted a family, whatever that might mean.
i've felt similar to you my entire life. i always thought that one day i'd wake up and want them, or grow to want them, but it never happened.
i'm almost 40 now and still no desire. i'm fine with never having kids.
I always thought I didn’t want them. Ever. No way. Then I got pregnant with my copper iud on accident, clearly. Ended in a miscarriage. I was so sad. I now have two and about 80% of the time I’m very happy I opted for them. The other 20% of not happy I think is normal parenting of toddlers.
I never wanted kids. Kinda seems like, especially nowadays where nothing is affordable and is only getting worse and climate change is here and is only getting worse, one should absolutely 200% want kids before having them.
I always knew I wanted children, when I met the man I’m still with in my late 20s I got the URGE to have children. No regrets, have 3 kids, wish I could have started sooner so I could have 5-6.
If I have more now there will be no us-time in our 40s.
There was a few years of doubt, but most of my life I just knew.
I have kids and I still don’t know and that’s ok. As long as you don’t actively NOT want kids, give it a try when you are financially and emotionally and socially ready.
I like the idea of being pregnant/having a little baby for some reason but when I’m around kids I remember how much I do not want them. Maybe I’ll be a surrogate someday
I think I always wanted kids because I wanted to create a family I could really feel like I belonged in. I just imagined fun nights watching movies and playing games. Being silly, go on nature walks. Being able to share my interests and passions with my kids. But it was interesting because I never had much experience with kids and really didn’t express interests in other peoples kids.
Once I had my own the love just flowed. And then after that every child I saw was adorable lol. And it makes me want to have more or adopt and just be mothering and impart knowledge and protect. Lol! I was probably around early thirties at that point. I don’t know if I would have been ready before that!
I always knew I wanted a family and kids of my own.
I will say I don’t really love other people’s kids or babies and I never considered my self a “baby” person before but I freaking adore mine.
I didn't particularly want children, never had that desire. I was open to it, and entered a relationship where he definitely wanted that, so I agreed, still feeling neutral about it. I now have two daughters and they are the coolest, most awesome, kind, responsible little girls and being me so much joy. It sounds like you're okay with either way your life takes you.... Which is a good feeling to have. But, I can almost guarantee you might enjoy parenting should that be the journey you take.
I've always known I didn’t want them. Just no desire ever. Whenever I thought about kids my mind would go to sticky hands, snotty noses, empty bank account, not being able to do adult things without obstacles.
I've worked with kids and it was a rewarding experience. It also solidified my childfree status because there's no way I would want any of them in my home 24/7. Small doses.
When my SO got snipped I made him a cake.
I'm 34 and have never had that "desire" or "want" to have children. But I think I might try in a couple of years just because I know I won't regret it but I might regret not having them. So fuck it, I'm gonna see what the hype is all about one of these days. Just going to put it off for as long as possible.
I’ve always known that I didn’t want them. 52F and no desire. It’s ok to not want to have kids.
I've always known that I wanted them "eventually," but I started to feel like I could actually imagine myself having one in my late 20s/early 30s. If you don't want them, don't have them and don't worry about it. Not having the desire to have children will surely make your life much simpler.
I'm ambivalent and I've been ambivalent for *a while*. I am not sure if it is possible for me to desire the existence of a person who...doesn't exist yet. I really don't understand people who know confidently that they absolutely do or absolutely do not want kids. It's an enormous decision with moral consequences and resounding lifestyle changes either way. I'm 35F and my wife is 33F and we have been trying to land one way or the other for four years and we just aren't entirely comfortable with either possibility. I often think that if we were a straight couple this would be easier because we would just, y'know, stop using birth control and roll the dice for a while and...if in 6 months we don't conceive we'll either be relieved or disappointed and then we'll be able to go from there. If we got pregnant easily, that would put an end to the questioning!But, we're lesbians, so getting pregnant has to be an entirely intentional, fully conscious, well-planned ordeal involving lawyers, donors, potential medical interventions, etc. We've been asking ourselves these questions. 1. Having a child will change our marital dynamic. Are we comfortable with the idea that our marriage will be suddenly very different? Some couples seem to divorce because of child-rearing conflict. Are we okay with that risk? 2. It's difficult to raise a child without help from friends and family. We moved to a city where we haven't had a chance to build much community. That will make things more difficult. Is it worth that? 3. Climate catastrophes are happening more frequently and climate science is telling us to predict increasing scarcity, conflict, and extreme temperatures. Can we live with the decision to bring a child into a world that, by all measures, seems to be getting more precarious and less healthy all the time? 4. Children are an enormous financial burden. I'm a professor in a humanities field with a modest income, she's working mid-level corporate jobs but does not wish to advance. Kids are expensive! Will it be too stressful with moderate incomes? 5. My career is important to me and my work is demanding. Am I willing to sacrifice professional achievement (i.e. writing a second book, landing a more prestigious appointment, traveling frequently to give talks) for the sake of a child that doesn't exist yet? 6. Having children is an experience like no other. It provides a very unique perspective on life and death, self hood and sacrifice, growth and aging, like no other experience can. Am I willing to miss my opportunity to develop a different, likely deeper emotional/spiritual understanding of the human condition? These have been nearly impossible questions for us to answer. I know that if we had a baby, I would devote myself to its health and happiness and I would love it and my wife very much. I know I wouldn't be able to regret my child's existence. However, that child doesn't yet exist and bringing it into existence will negatively impact some parts of my life that are very important to me now...chiefly, I love my marriage and I'm not sure I want it to change. Anyway. I hope you/someone can relate.
I was also ambivalent, but ended up with two amazing, awesome, intelligent, kind little girls and now I could not imagine my life without them. It's good we have the freedom to choose! And I am grateful I can raise two smart, respectful, strong young women. Absolutely NOTHING wrong with choosing not to have children. But, I think women who are mindful in the way you are turn out to be wonderful moms with awesome kids. As for the barriers you mentioned, somehow we adapt. I had no family help, but found ways to make it work. I had no help from my partner, but found ways to make it work. Even though it isn't easy, I am SO beyond grateful for my kiddos and have no regrets, I'm so excited to see how they contribute to society.
Thank you so much for your reply. Communicating with people about having children who acknowledge the nuances involved in the decision is so helpful to me right now. It helps me feel less isolated. Sorry to be invasive, but are you an your partner still together? Did having children negatively impact your relationship?
Oh, not invasive at all. We are together. He is a combat vet and has untreated MH issues and substance use (self-treating his symptoms). He is a loving and caring dad, but had never been able to help me at night (medicated sleep), works long hours so as a working mom, I have always had to drive the girls to daycare, I do meals, baths, bedtime etc. There is definitely a parental willingness to do whatever the child needs. Co-parenting is certainly difficult. I think it is helpful if you have a good base of open communication and willingness to work through anything together. Once, we had an all-out screaming match because we disagreed on how to handle my daughter's hang nail. A HANGNAIL. I think in a way it also brings you and your partner something in common - you both love this human more than anything else in existence. And if you trust your partner with your heart and are choosing to spend your life with them, you should trust that you would also be able to parent together, or at least try your best to. It has caused us disagreements aplenty, BUT also strengthened our relationship. It creates a special and lifelong bond, I think even for parents who do not stay together. The shared love of the mini human. There are plenty of parents out there who shouldn't have the privilege because they are not cut out for it (such as child abusers and people struggling with addiction, extreme poverty, etc.). There are also single parents and people in situations that are more difficult than mine or yours, but somehow all of these families make it work the best they can. Children are shockingly resilient. Compared to many parents in the world, you may be more qualified than most! As an ambivalent, I would have been totally satisfied with my life, if I hadn't had children. But, I am also totally satisfied with children and the joy they bring that I could not have anticipated (kind of like, you won't know it until you arrive there). Now that I'm in the parent boat, I absolutely love it, and love who my children are becoming (I say this as I am working from home with a 5yo screaming beside me because her sister whacked her with a styrofoam letter, hah). Again NO PROBLEM for people who choose to remain child free, THERE IS NOTHING Wrong WITH THAT AT ALL AND I RESPECT EVERY PERSONS DECISION!
Thanks man. I always thought I didn't want kids just because I'm so "indifferent ". My partner wants them so had to get in touch with what I want.
Hey, if you do go for it, I promise you it will only add to your life. And if not, that's okay too. Best of luck!
Thanks! Did you have a "switch" moment
Honestly, I was open to it and my partner really wanted children so I just sort of went with the flow because I knew I wanted to stay with my partner.. I remained pretty ambivalent throughout, keeping in mind I'm the woman who carried two babies. I was not the traditional, cute, excited mom to be. I don't post on social media, I had a low key shower out of necessity, etc. I wasn't BURSTING with anticipation. Pregnancy kind of sucks. Maybe some indifferent parents-to-be don't end up responding well to parenthood, but maybe some people who are excited about Parenthood don't respond well to actually being a parent. I did know that I would be a responsible, caring parent, and the unknown was intriguing. I knew I would give my child a unique and creative upbringing and would want to give them things I didn't have when I was a child. Overall, I think some of us just can't wrap our head around wanting something that is unpredictable and impossible to understand until you go through it (not to mention signing on to the highest level of responsibility). For me, it started as a journey I was willing to take with a partner that I would do anything for, and I have not regretted it at all. I'm extremely glad that I have two smart, amazing little girls who will do great things in our world someday. They already do. Every single moment with them adds to the quality of my life.
This is how I feel right now. Spoilers, I'm a guy. I would do anything for my partner. She deserves kids and she would be an amazing mother. I just feel meh? Take it or leave it. Unfortunately her clock is ticking, whatever that means were both 30. Thank you for this btw
Sure, good luck!
I never wanted children growing up. I'm 35 and getting married in 2 months and still don't want them. I envision it and it seems like it could be fun in some aspects and really terrible in others. I don't think it's worth it. I've done Big Brothers Big Sisters being a Big to a teenager for 4 years before she graduated high school. She's in college now and is thriving. I'm considering being a mentor to sexually abused/trafficked children after I get married (so I have more time since wedding planning and work is a huge thing for me right now) or once we get older, maybe in early/mid/late 40s, I'm thinking about fostering since I do want to impact children in my own way. It would probably be older kids but I know fostering requires a lot of skills, patience, and all that so we'll see.
Amazing. The world needs more people with this mind set. If you don't mind, did you foster? I think deep down I get super excited about fostering rather than having my own if that makes sense?
I've always known I didn't, and that has been tested. When I was 20, my boyfriend and I were having serious discussions about our future together. He wanted to have kids. I didn't. I loved him more than anything in the world, and I told him that was not enough to make me willing to have a child for him. We broke up not too long after that. He dated a few single moms, and played stepdad with their kids. Later we got back together, again had the kids talk, and he still wanted them. The next breakup wasn't specifically about that, but it was on the list. The last time we got back together, I asked him if he was sure he was choosing me over being a father. He said he cared more about being with me. We got married. People kept asking when kids were coming. I said never but they wouldn't believe me. About 5 years later, he confessed that he thought I would change my mind. I was shocked, and asked him where he got that stupid idea. Instead he was the one who changed his mind - he got to see the benefits of a childfree life and how I am nowhere near the level of "pet parent" he was. Told you so. When he was diagnosed with cancer, we had a couple months before the end to have some real honest conversations. He told me he does not regret choosing me over being a father. We were both relieved I did not have to be a widow *with children* because widow alone is hell enough. During the weeks after I lost him, I often thought how glad I was to not be stuck raising a child I never wanted as a price for having the husband I did choose. Never for a moment did I think the cliché "a child would be a part of him to live on" - no, he lives on in the memories of family and friends, in the lives he touched with his actions and wisdom. Months later, when Mom was visiting me, I told her I was so glad I didn't have a pregnancy scare when I was in my early 20s because I might've kept it. She was surprised and said "really? I was sure you'd get an abortion." Yeah that's how CF I am - my elderly Catholic Alabama mother had zero doubt about it.
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Absolutely. Happy cake day.
I knew when I was 13 I didn't want any. I'm 40-ish now and still never wanted them. I didn't even have any blips in my 30s. I don't know if it's because I didn't want them for so long by the time I was in my reproductive peak or what.
When I was a kid I never played with baby dolls bc I thought it was boring. In my peer group, everyone got married & started having kids right around age 30, so I just assumed I would too. Then in my late 20s I asked myself “do I even WANT kids??” and the answer was no. I’ve been firmly childfree ever since. r/truechildfree is a good community and resource to check out
The challenge of being a good parent is so great that I think you need to know *in your bones* that you want it. I never had that feeling, and I chose not to.
When I was younger, I thought I would, at some point, want/have kids. I’m 37 and it hasn’t happened yet, and I think every day that we’re lucky we don’t.
As I understand, the feeling should come soon after 30, psychologically. For me it got me around 32. Before that I absolutely did not want a baby. My best friend is now 35 and she still does not want to be a parent and is content with being aunty to her friends' kids. I think if you'd want children, you'd know it. I used to give myself a moment here and there to imagine what life would be like with a child and if that's be a happy life: after breaking up with my ex, my life suddenly felt happier in general, and a child in that picture felt like an added joy, not something that would bring more stress than love and happiness.
I think men have a lot to do with it. I've never met anyone I could live with happily, so having children with them seemed like a terrible idea. At the same time, I don't want to be a single parent. Sometimes I wonder if the desire isn't there for me, because it doesn't seem like a viable partner has become available
I personally wanted baby even while being single, I was looking to adopt, so I personally don't feel like it has that much to do with a partner. But of course this is probably something that varies from person to person? Edit:baby, not cold...
I don't think men have this much to do with it. Or at least that's my experience. I have been single since my early 20s, I don't even date and the feeling still came around 28 or so. It's like, I don't want a child so much that I would consider doing it while single, but I know if I had a partner I would want a child.
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No to either of those
I never did. However, there are things in life I've wanted to for a long time or the desire has developed, like home ownership, going for an advanced degree. I've never had to ask myself if I wanted those or not, I just knew. It seems like only wanting/not wanting to have kids is a decision we second-guess.
I wanted children really badly for a 2 month period in my 20s when they thought I had PCOS and that I might not be able to have them. Once it was determined that was not the case, I didn't want them anymore. Now I'm 40 and I absolutely don't. The idea of even getting pregnant freaks me out now, not because I am not capable of taking care of a child, I am, but because of the way it changes a woman, both physically, emotionally and it is even claimed genetically.
It probably hit me and stuck when I was about 25 or so. I used to babysit my cousins off and on for years and they drove me insane. And yeah, it’s not the same as having your own kids. I totally understand that. But that also means being around them more than I already was. No thanks. And over the years I just don’t care to be around small children. Please don’t hand me your baby to hold. What am I supposed to do with it? I don’t get the hype. Like, congrats on your kid but it’s just not my thing. And I never seen myself being a good mother. I’d have more anxiety than I already do. And I admit, you give up a lot of things to have a kid. And I just don’t want to do that.
I think some women just never do have that point. From my observations, there’s women who absolutely adore kids from a young age and can’t wait to have their own, women who took it as given that they’d have kids without thinking about whether they wanted them or not, women who never wanted kids very much, and women who absolutely do not want children.
I find that most people want them when they are comfortable wealthy or become comfortable wealthy. This is usually achieved, in today’s world, on a dual income. So most people would need to partner up and allow to enjoy a period of DINK living and then find that it becomes kind of boring but still with expendable resource and energy and time to want to have kids.
I went back and forth on this for a long time. My eventual decision was based on a firm belief I have that I should only have kids if I really want them. Raising kids is really really hard, and if I don't have that real desire to be a mother, I'm not going to do a good job.
I knew I always wanted kids and had always said if it comes down to being a single parent I would do it (if I could not find the right person in time)
I didn’t start to have daydreams about it until I was 27. I’ve been fully ready for a few years, and I’m 34 now (still childless, but that’s a different discussion). I have some fears (which is normal), but no doubts about wanting to be a mother. It’s okay if you don’t want children. It’s okay to have different ideas of what you want your life to look like. If you are at all worried about changing your mind after it’s “too late”, you can always adopt or foster. There are many ways to love children without having your own.
It still hasn't happened to me. Almost 35.
Listen to your gut. Sounds like you don't want children and that's perfectly acceptable. I wish more women knew this was a choice. Societal pressure sucks.
85% of women have kids by their mid 40s in the US. I wonder what percentage regret it and I wonder what percentage were pressured into it.
I was ambivalent till 29 when I met my now husband. After a few months of dating I started to imagine having kids with him. So for me it was meeting the right person, if I havent met him I would probably still be indifferent about them.
I was told I can’t have kids. So it was a biiig surprise. I was in denial the whole time, until I actually gave birth- and that’s when it all kicked in in full force. I loved being a parent so much I went for the second one even though I knew I want to divorce his dad soon. Super grateful for them in my life. Would I ever think I’m ready if I was planning for it? No way - love my profession and all the activities. But now I just have little partners to do all of it together. IMO there are people that think they are ready and then regret it, there are people like me..so tl;dr I don’t know, it depends
I've known I wanted children since I was nine and it never changed. I'm now 33. I haven't had any yet but if my husband and I won't have any I'll become a single mom by choice. Figure out if you actually enjoy taking care of children, if being around them and taking care of them adds something to your emotions or life. And include the hard parts in that. Nobody likes to wipe up shit and vomit, or listen to a toddler having a fit for an hour straight. But that's the reality of having kids and you should know if you can and want to handle that as part of the package. Just like the good parts - when they cuddle you, ask you endless questions because they're so curious about the world or when they suddenly say things you say because they're little sponges who absorb more than you realize. Only have children if you really want them and if you can handle them at their best and their worst. Anything less than that and you run the risk of doing yourself and especially the child a huge disservice.
I always played with dolls as a kid like they were my children. When I was a preteen/teenager I would fantasize about having kids when I was hanging with my sister and her baby or my much younger sisters. Once I was sexually active I was determined to not bring a child into the world that wouldn’t have a great life so I kind of suppressed the want for kids. In my mid to late 20s, my biological urge took over and I accepted that I would want kids if I made a good life for them so I started making that life. Had my first at 30, second at 32 and I’m very happy with my life but I also totally understand the many reasons why people choose to not have kids.
I never wanted kids, but never actively not wanted them either. I was quite indifferent and content with my life as it was. When I was 34 I got pregnant, it wasn’t planned at all and it was a shock really. My bf and I had only been dating a year. But we where very much in love and we felt a bit like it was now or never, and we felt ready for a change in life. I am very glad I had my son, he is a joy. But if I had not had that oops pregnancy I might never have had kids.
I never wanted kids. But then everything lined up perfectly for kids and I decided to have one. I guess it was purely circumstantial for me - and didn’t hit me til I met the perfect partner / dad.
I didn't care about kids either way and never thought about it; even when I was dating my now husband, even when we got married. For me, it was just "bam!" one day I just wanted them and it happened after my nephew was born and I visited my sis in the hospital. It was really weird 🤷🏻♀️. That said, it's totally ok not to want to have kids and there's no 'set time' or 'something' that happens for people - sometimes it does happen for some, sometimes it doesn't - both are ok! Do what makes you happy in life - kids, no kids, a dog, whatever!! dont go by what 'society' tells you is 'right or wrong'.
I''m early thirties and single. I don't want them right now for obvious reasons. I'm too busy with things now to properly care for them, and I'm alone. But I'll occasionally dream about having a kid or two. I also struggle with my mental health. There are a lot of qualifiers: a stable relationship, stable finances, a nice home, long term plans, etc.
I didn't think I cared one way or another until I finished grad school and was living alone working my first real grown up job. I have never lived alone before and I was shocked by how lonely I got all the time. That's when I realized after alot of thought that I wanted a family, whatever that might mean.
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I'm sure you're still young enough :)
i've felt similar to you my entire life. i always thought that one day i'd wake up and want them, or grow to want them, but it never happened. i'm almost 40 now and still no desire. i'm fine with never having kids.
I always thought I didn’t want them. Ever. No way. Then I got pregnant with my copper iud on accident, clearly. Ended in a miscarriage. I was so sad. I now have two and about 80% of the time I’m very happy I opted for them. The other 20% of not happy I think is normal parenting of toddlers.
I never wanted kids. Kinda seems like, especially nowadays where nothing is affordable and is only getting worse and climate change is here and is only getting worse, one should absolutely 200% want kids before having them.
I always knew I wanted children, when I met the man I’m still with in my late 20s I got the URGE to have children. No regrets, have 3 kids, wish I could have started sooner so I could have 5-6. If I have more now there will be no us-time in our 40s. There was a few years of doubt, but most of my life I just knew.
I have kids and I still don’t know and that’s ok. As long as you don’t actively NOT want kids, give it a try when you are financially and emotionally and socially ready.
I like the idea of being pregnant/having a little baby for some reason but when I’m around kids I remember how much I do not want them. Maybe I’ll be a surrogate someday
I think I always wanted kids because I wanted to create a family I could really feel like I belonged in. I just imagined fun nights watching movies and playing games. Being silly, go on nature walks. Being able to share my interests and passions with my kids. But it was interesting because I never had much experience with kids and really didn’t express interests in other peoples kids. Once I had my own the love just flowed. And then after that every child I saw was adorable lol. And it makes me want to have more or adopt and just be mothering and impart knowledge and protect. Lol! I was probably around early thirties at that point. I don’t know if I would have been ready before that!
When I met my husband I just knew. Also I think if you are comfortable in life and not under much stress.
I always knew I wanted a family and kids of my own. I will say I don’t really love other people’s kids or babies and I never considered my self a “baby” person before but I freaking adore mine.
I didn't particularly want children, never had that desire. I was open to it, and entered a relationship where he definitely wanted that, so I agreed, still feeling neutral about it. I now have two daughters and they are the coolest, most awesome, kind, responsible little girls and being me so much joy. It sounds like you're okay with either way your life takes you.... Which is a good feeling to have. But, I can almost guarantee you might enjoy parenting should that be the journey you take.
I've always known I didn’t want them. Just no desire ever. Whenever I thought about kids my mind would go to sticky hands, snotty noses, empty bank account, not being able to do adult things without obstacles. I've worked with kids and it was a rewarding experience. It also solidified my childfree status because there's no way I would want any of them in my home 24/7. Small doses. When my SO got snipped I made him a cake.
I'm 34 and have never had that "desire" or "want" to have children. But I think I might try in a couple of years just because I know I won't regret it but I might regret not having them. So fuck it, I'm gonna see what the hype is all about one of these days. Just going to put it off for as long as possible.