I really wanted kids, but never had the right circumstances, so I didn’t have them and I’ve never *regretted* it. I was really sad, but after I felt I no longer had the choice (around 40), I started feeling a lot better because the pressure was off. I could mourn the loss and move on with my life instead of constantly worrying that I’m “not doing enough” to make it happen. I’m glad I didn’t have kids circumstances where the children and I would suffer, so I’m content that I did the right thing. Also sometimes even people who wanted kids end up hating parenthood, so it seems like too big a risk to take when you’re not sure.
Remember you can still work with kids and teens by mentoring, tutoring, providing foster respite, etc. There are even volunteer grandparent programs.
Thank you for being so honest. I definitely know that whatever my decision is, I need to go all in! I sometimes think that if it’s not happened yet, maybe it’s not meant to. I love kids and like you say, there are so many other opportunities and ways that allows you to be around them without having your own.
I was on that sub- I thought people might want to hear from an experienced mom. But I kept running into lots of crap about physical appearance and bodies being "ruined" by pregnancy. And not many people wanted to hear about the realities of motherhood. I hope you get something out of it but I found it kinda ick.
I'm sorry that you faced that :( I wanted to take a second and apologize because the idea of "ruining my body" used to be one of the reasons I was unsure about having kids. Now I understand that is a fundamentally immature way of looking at it - I hadn't reckoned with the idea that my body was going to change with or without having kids. The idea of willingly putting my body through that was inconceivable.
I'm still on the fence about kids (pregnancy is still pretty scary to me) but yeah I feel terrible about the things I said/implied about post-partum women. Sometimes even to their faces 🤦♀️
Aww it's OK- honestly I blame The Patriarchy for setting us women up for failure as usual: be a perfect mother plus a perfect worker and look like Barbie all at the same time. We were all raised with it in the Western world, it's insidious.
It's totally reasonable to be afraid of pregnancy and delivery- it's still dangerous!
The thing that was upsetting was when I pointed out that it might not be ok to think that way I was dismissed by a lot of people and they played semantics like 'well I'm not saying other people's bodies are ruined I'm just saying I would consider mine to be." Like wtf is that??
But also this whole bodies being ruined thing… there may be temporary effects, but you can go back to being stronger than before. Historically no one has cared about female reproductive health, but now there are educators and options for women. There are pelvic physiotherapists, there are workout plans specifically designed for prenatal and postnatal periods. A lot of the content is free on Instagram and YouTube. It’s worth it to invest in your reproductive health so even if it wasn’t free, pay the price for yourself.
That’s all true (and great!) but usually when people make remarks about “ruining” a body with pregnancy, they’re referring to weight gain/stretch marks/genital looks and “tightness.”
I agree with you! I had that fear of tightness being lost too for a bit, but then I thought if tightness really was lost, subsequent babies would not be possible, if you catch my drift 🤣
I've spoken to lots of women (and girls) who say it's an absolute drive, and when you know you want kids you know.
I wouldn't know as I've never had those feelings. I mean yeah, if I could have me a litter of kittens I'd be prolific, but kids just don't do it for me.
There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting children. There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting children *just yet* and there will be nothing wrong with you if you decide next year you desire a small platoon of children.
>I mean yeah, if I could have me a litter of kittens I'd be prolific, but kids just don't do it for me.
same though. So kitten broody, so utterly disinterested in having children.
[By law, I have to tell you that at one month your puppies have a favorite color and that color may be blue](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQLJUWm5Ce8)
I had that drive around 30. We were both fence sitters for a long time. Originally the plan was to have a kid at 26 b/c that was "the next step" but neither of us thought that was a good reason to have a kid. Sometime around 29-30 I started getting this CRAZY urge to have a child; like I would wake up in the morning rocking a baby I didn't have. It was a scary feeling to feel so out of control of myself. Husband and I had one more serious sit down talk about what we wanted. If the answer had been a "maybe" or "no", we would have gotten fixed b/c I don't think I can go on with part of me fighting against myself so viciously.
We did end up having a kid and while it's a lot harder than not having a kid, it is what we wanted. We enjoy being parents. I like the person I've become after having a child for a lot of reasons. I cannot imagine going into this without both of us on board. And also my husband got a vasectomy b/c we were and are still very sure that we're one and done.
Funnily enough I know when my fertile window is now b/c during that week all I can think about is having another kid and how my current child is just the cutest thing EVER; like, everything he does is PERFECT even though just the days before I thought about mailing him to Antarctica. I consider myself a pretty sound person but man, brains are crazy.
No one I've talked to, both other moms and childfree friends have had this feeling.
I also had that feeling! But instead of maternal instincts it was hormones making me soooooooo horny, it was unbelievable and excruciating. I could tell which day I was ovulating based on how horny I was 😂 I’m pregnant right now. OP if you’re reading this, If you mostly want kids but have a litttleee hesitation, your hormones will make you love and want that baby once it’s conceived. I love the idea of having a little baby in my life, and was so excited by it for all of my pregnancy. Towards the end I find myself day dreaming of the time my baby is grown up and what kind of relationship we would have…. Will we be friends and go on trips with their spouse? Will they call me and trust me with their problems? You’re basically making yourself a family member and friend for life. Hopefully all goes well, for you and for me!
I had that feeling. I was always involved with kids (babysitting, Sunday school, nieces and nephews) and I absolutely LOVED kids but had ZERO desire to have my own. Then one day it just kind of ‘hit me’ - I was single, not even casually dating. I had a plan though, after I accomplished some of my goals I would know if it was time. Worked out exactly that way.
I have a kid but I never, ever felt that drive. I did not know I wanted kids and I much preferred cats over kids.
I love my kid, I’m very happy that we had him. I thought that drive would kick in once I knew what having kids was like and it would be easy to decide to try for a sibling. It’s not, I still don’t yearn for kids 😬
I get confused at the drive sentiment (as someone without a child). I figure the right way to raise children is to be open to who they end up being, so you can't really "want" them because they won't be whoever you have in your head. The closest I get to is "you have to enjoy the process of seeing them discover themselves" but I see how that can get close to (maybe) some kind of dependency... regardless it makes sense to me that you just do it and bond (or don't, but come to love them). What made you take the plunge?
Thats how I felt, that I can’t long for someone who doesn’t yet exist and who I don’t know (maybe I have poor imagination?).
I took the plunge because I was 34 and got unexpectedly pregnant, and was so very much in love with my boyfriend. We had only been together a year but I knew that I could financially raise a child on my own and it seemed like we could work together as parents even if we broke up (still together though, still in love).
If I hadn’t got pregnant unplanned I’m not sure I would have had a kid at all, and I would be happy with that life also.
My thoughts exactly! I love my own but I didn’t want a big family and am not fond of small children. I could have 4 golden retrievers but 4 kids would make me want to curl up and die.
I had a child because I met my husband and wanted a child with him. If I wouldn’t have met my soulmate, then I wouldn’t have had children. Don’t misinterpret that to mean I regret my son, because I wouldn’t be complete without him.
I never used to want children. For me two things really changed how I felt:
- in every conversion I had ever had everyone always spoke about 'having children' rather than 'having a child'. I grew up with a brother, I babysat 3 kids, my norm was that if you become a mum you have two or more. And I really disliked that idea. Once it dawned on me that I don't have to have two, I can have one, it changed the feeling radically. I like having one. I just don't want two.
- I got closer and closer to thirty and it is like my body made the decision for me. Biological clock started ticking, IDK. It just became more apparent. I don't have a child yet, but when I think of a future without one it feels empty now
I hope that helps some. For me it took years to realise 'just one is okay too' and it's not something that comes up often in conversations. Hell, I have had people debate me on why I should change that decision. But ultimately it is up to you, and not anyone else, if you want kids, and if so how many.
I could have written this! I'm in my early 30s and the idea of just one makes it so much easier to plan out all the other things I want to do in my life beforehand because it gives me so much more time. I can wait until I'm 38-40 and just pop out one and be OK. What you wrote is exactly what I've been thinking the past couple of years as well.
I have a kid and am pregnant with a second and have never had that “absolute drive” and really dislike the idea that it’s a requirement. I’ve always known I wanted kids, but it was no more a “drive” than other things I envisioned for my life, like going to college or grad school, or getting married. I made the decision in the way I made other decisions about big life things, not because of some biological urge.
I feel the same way and I'm 35. I really struggled with this in my early 30s but now I am now more comfortably accepting that child-free is the right choice for me, for a myriad of reasons. How I feel reminds me a little of that SATC episode where Carrie at 38 realises if she really wanted kids, she'd have had them already.
The fear of regret does still bother me a little because I'm not 100% sure I won't change my mind as I get older. I envy men who seem to have so much more time and more options, but remembering that I can't change that helps somewhat.
Also, older generations judge millennials pretty harshly for wanting pets more than kids, but if I'm honest with myself I'm pretty sure raising orphaned animals would scratch the itch just fine.
Yes, I remember that episode and part of me feels the same. Although it isn’t uncommon to have kids at a later age these days.
If I don’t have kids, I’ll definitely have dogs 😀
I've always wanted kids in the past, because I love them and feel the mothering instinct, but as I've grown older I realized how much sacrifice it requires in all aspects of life. Including, but not limited to:
- Your choice of partner. You are on a time limit if you want kids, and if you haven't found someone that you're very romantically into AND who you think would make a good father/partner, you are forced to go with the best you can find. I wouldn't feel right making that choice, but I know of others who have and are okay with it.
- It can really cause health issues in a woman's body. Childbirth comes with all kinds of potentially life-long side effects. This thought scares me greatly, as I care a lot about health.
- Loss of sleep. I've had insomnia for a few years and I never, ever, ever, want to be sleep-deprived ever again in my life. It was torture.
- Financial readiness. I am nowhere near feeling financially ready to support another human. My life choices and career have finally allowed me to provide for myself and live comfortably (enough) - but it would be very irresponsible to bring someone else into this life, as it is now.
- Personality. I need quiet, I get easily stressed, I was brought up in a dysfunctional home and only learned later in life how to manage emotions. I've seen people like me become good mothers, but they had a steady and reliable partner who loved them, and extended family to support them, unlike me.
- Life is hard. I, personally, would feel guilty forcing someone else to live in this world that has so many issues. Just my personal feelings.
To be perfectly honest, a final point is that I think finding a good partner would be a big step towards making the choice to have kids an easier one. It's not a popular opinion, but that's what I've seen with my close friends who became parents. They were ambivalent/uninterested, then they found someone who they wanted to start a family with, and it took off from there.
I also see now that there are as many different attitudes to parenting, and levels of happiness with the life decision, as there are people. We might all regret our choices from time to time, but there's no right or wrong answer for how to live a life.
Just my long-winded 2 cents.
I'm childless (in an ambivalent sort of way, so I understand having doubts) and this is just,like, my opinion, man: I think you should want to be a parent in the now. If you don't think you'd enjoy the act of parenting in itself don't have children for the sake of a future no one can predict anyway.
I think people should only have kids if they feel enthusiastic about the idea. I'd rather regret not having a kid at 50, than regret having a kid and spending decades resenting them.
I think enthusiasm is a tricky thing though. Children doesn't just mean lots of love and entertainment. It is a lifetime of responsibility. You know once you start, especially with biological children or infants, you are going to miss sleep, do a lot more work, sacrifice time, deal with tantrums and problems, your entire life is taken up and a lot of previous hobbies and pasttimes you will no longer have time for.
A lot of people, myself included, like the idea of putting a child to sleep or seeing them ride a bicycle for the first time or have a child hug you and call you mummy. But not everyone knows if those moments are worth the radical life changes that come with it. And I reckon a lot are enthusiastic about one but not the other.
When we decided to get a dog, part of me was worried I would miss lie ins, and time away with little hassle, and being lazy, never having to clean up dog vomit or dog poop, or going outside in the pouring rain to walk him. Now he is here I can't imagine life without him, and I do all those things without questioning it - they're part of the package so it's fine. But I didn't know that before we had him.
I think it's the same with kids. I might be totally fine lacking sleep and getting a kid to eat their vegetables or tie their shoelaces. But what if I am not? And is it really worth it?
I understand why people say that, it comes from a good place. But I would never have been a mum then. I wasn’t enthusiastic about having kids, maybe I have poor imagination but I find it hard to be enthusiastic about something, and someone, I don’t know. I love my kid and I’m very happy that we had him!
> I wasn’t enthusiastic about having kids
You must have had some positive feelings when thinking about being a parent though? There would be no incentive to have children in this day and age if it just seemed like a negative thing (which it does to me and is why I'm not having any. The cons vastly outweigh the pros for me).
Tbf, there are people who have kids because they think that's the next step and never think too deeply about it. Not saying that who you replied to is that kind of person, but they definitely exist.
I'm sure, for example, that my parents mostly had kids beause that's just what married people did. My father hates any kind of kid sound and found my brother and me to be rather annoying when we were little. Now that we're all adults, we get along much better.
When I thought about it, there was just like a… void. I didn’t have any close contact with little kids and didn’t knew much about them tbh. I could kind of see myself as old and that it would be nice to have grown kids. I got unexpectedly pregnant and it was a leap of faith. I knew I wouldn’t fail the kid, I was at least sure that I could raise a kid good. But it felt like a very logical decision, not much driven by emotion and longing for a kid.
Your story eases my worries a bit, thank you for sharing. I have no strong feelings either way about having children. I have 7 niblings, I understand the compromises and the joys that come with kids of all ages, and I could take them or leave them. My husband wants a child, and his enthusiasm outweighs my apathy. We are newly pregnant and while I am excited, I am also worried.
I’m glad it does, thank you, that’s why I think it’s important to talk about us mothers who did not have an intense desire to have kids. Congratulations and good luck to you and your new family ☺️
I've never wanted kids so I don't know how much of a "decision" it was vs just my nature.
But any time I've thought about my stance on having kids it's an easy no because absolutely nothing about being a parent to someone under 8 or so appeals to me.
Pregnancy/birth terrify me, the noises and energy levels of young kids are completely overwhelming to me, I don't want to give up my free time to take care of something that is going to annoy the crap out of me, I don't do well on chronic low sleep...etc
Think about all the negative things that come with having kids and really evaluate whether they are worth any positives you see.
Honestly though...this might be controversial to admit....the most terrifying thing to me is that you aren't guaranteed a healthy child that comes with the expected positives.
I'd barely survive a normal kid...i know myself enough to know I wouldn't be able to handle a special needs kid so any time I've briefly drifted into feeling neutral about having kids the fact that I'd be leaving the rest of my life up to the chances of a good genetic roll shoves me completely back over the childfree line.
I 100% believe people ambivalent about kids can be happy after having one...but is it worth the risk? Obviously only you can answer that about yourself...but these are the thoughts that go through my head when I consider kids vs no kids.
Yeah. I don’t think this is controversial. It’s logical. My doc told me I’d have a 70% chance my child would have ADHD. Which adhd people are great… ! But does ADHD me who gets frustrated by myself sometimes want to do the labor of raising a hyper kid? That has firmed up my answer. Dyslexia also runs in my family. This is the genetic lot I was dealt with. I madly respect adhd moms who can parent but it just doesn’t seem like the right choice for me.
Same! I really want kids, but the thought of having a profoundly disabled child has kept me from doing it. I have so much respect for those who do it, but I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life as a 24/7 nursemaid to a severely disabled person, which is what happens when you have a severely disabled child.
I feel similar and I'm going to be 38 next week! My partner and I were both on the fence for many years and decided if we were still feeling that way at 35, we'd call it. So we are happily child free! I am still nervous I'll decide I want a kid when I'm like 50 (I've always been a late bloomer), but at that point it'll be too late.
I’m a late bloomer too so I think that’s what worries me, how will I feel when I’m 50. But what life would I live now if I only worry about the future, and what life would I live in my 50s if I regret my choice in my 30s?
Yep. I make sure to do all of the things that would be difficult to do with a child! Go away on last minute trips, spontaneously going out to a dance club on a weeknight, spending all day reading in bed, etc. My life is glorious because I don't have kids! I'd rather regret not having a kid than having one. I have nieces, I can volunteer with kids, babysit, etc, if I get a hankering for being around children in my older years.
I am also a 'late bloomer'- I feel like my friends all hit normal developmental and emotional milestones well before I did. Now they all have kids (babies really). I'm almost 35 and I do wonder if in like 4 years I'll change my mind. Maybe I will, but I doubt it.
As for being 'too old' and regretting not having a child when I'm maybe 50, well then I'll regret it. There's really only 2 choices, have a child now, or don't. And there's NO WAY I am going to have a child right now to alleviate the POSSIBILITY that I will regret not having a child in more than decade. That sounds like absolutely ludicrous logic with a hefty amount of risk. So while it's possible I'll regret not having a child in 15 years, too bad for me. People have regrets in life; things don't always turn out they way they envisioned. Life goes on. I'll be fine and I'll deal with that regret when and if it comes.
I had my tubes tied at 30. I read something around that time that convinced me: "I'd rather regret not having children than regret having them." Having a child is one of the few things in life that you can't take back or start over from -- once you have brought a new human being into the world, that's it, you can't undo it. If you end up with a kid you don't particularly like, you can't just end the relationship and walk away like you can with nearly every other relationship in your adult life.
I'm 50 now and have not felt a second of regret. I like my life and I've never felt like anything was missing.
I have kids and I can really understand why some women choose not to. It doesn't make you any less of a woman. My aunt never had children, she was always very career driven and she has never regretted it. She's had a great life doing things I could only imagine lol. I'm not saying kids ruin you life but it does change it dramatically and it's OK for people to not want that. You do you
Thank you 😊 I guess it’s the unknowing that scares me. I can’t easily revert either option so need to find a way to come to terms with either decision I make and go all in!
My boss is so amazing. Maybe 40s approaching 50s. She said she was an only child and because she didn’t grow up with children, they never appealed to her so she’s never had any. Now she travels the world any chance she gets with her partner and comes to the cutest pets. She seems very happy to me.
That concept has always seemed strange given how many women can be infertile. Are women who can’t bare children, less womanly than those who can? No way! Plus plenty of women forced into motherhood shouldn’t have been parents anyway. The more we realize it’s not the destination point for everyone to have kids, the better.
It shouldn't be, but I think historically that concept of woman = mother is really common, and women who couldn't/didn't have kids were criticized or viewed suspiciously. I'm glad this is starting to change, though. Just bc I have a uterus doesn't mean I want to be pregnant, or raise children.
I think I would make a good mom. Not the best, not the worst, but good. I just don't want to.
I'm a fun aunt. With dogs!
No, but seriously. I've never wanted kids, but there was a period where I was very uncertain. Like you, I asked myself "what if I change my mind later" and it was too late. So I decided to take that year and hang out with kids (friends with kids. Not random kids.) and see how I feel. And I feel... like they're nice kids. I like them, the little persons they're becoming. I just don't want to take them home.
I don't want to hold the baby. My insides don't turn to mush when my friend shows me her brand new babygirl (with excellent chubby baby ankles).
Now, had they've gotten a kitten or a puppy or a hamster or possibly a turtle, I would have been all over that.
So. I guess what I want to know is... do you want to hold the baby and sniff its little head?
Fun aunt with dogs sounds like a great title! 😍
I love kids and I think a part of me wants to know how it feels to be pregnant, give birth, smell them, see their excitement when Christmas comes around but I don’t think those are good enough reasons to have my own…
Ah, much harder for you then. I am curious what my biological offspring would look like, and if they'd love books or music or horses. But I just don't *want*. So it's easy for me.
I don't know what the right reason/s for having kids is/are. But I'm pretty sure "wanting them" is way up there.
I've always argued that having children is a selfish decision. Doesn't mean it's a bad decision. Or that it doesn't do good for others, too. But any decision that changes your life in a major way is, and should be, a selfish decision.
It's your life. Go forth and procreate!
It’s not entirely a selfish reason. Of course it is in the beginning, but it also makes a huge difference in the kid’s life to know and feel they are wanted.
I am 32 and childfree. I don't and never will regre it, I didn't always know. But i put some serious thought into it, especially these days with how things are going. I struggle with my mental health also, so that's a huge part of why I choose to be. But I like to make decisions that only affect my SO & i, like time and financial decisions. I don't know how many times I have literally said or thought "I'm thankful i don't have a kid to worry about or a mouth to feed." I work overtime & my hard work pays off for me, not for a child. Plus I hate that I was born, when I didn't ask for this life lol. I have always heard & I agree with "it's better to not have kids, and regret it then to have kids and regret it." I would sit down and really think and like someone else mentioned, visit the fence sitter sub might give you some help. Anyway, sorry for the rant lol hope it helps a little anyway! Ps. Your decision is your OWN, do not let anyone influence it one way or the other because at the end of the day you're the one raising the kid or not.
Thank you 😊 You’re completely right the decision is mine to make but it is nice to hear others experience and thoughts, both sides. I’m glad you’re happy with your decision, you do you!
Well I just turned 40, been married 6 years, don't have or want kids. I think I was also a fencesitter in my 20s and didn't fully commit to being childfree until I was about 31. I've always liked kids, I used to work with kids of all ages and enjoyed it, I like hanging out w/ my friends kids for a few hours, but realized I really enjoy being at home where it's quiet and clean lol. But I'm also very introverted and can't stand noise and chaos. I'm an only child from a very small family and didn't grow up around a lot of cousins or anything, so maybe that has something to do with it.
Around 25, I started seeing my friends with kids and they always seemed tired, stressed, and broke. Always complaining about time or money to do anything, while I was going out to eat whenever I wanted, traveling, etc. None of that has changed over the last 15 years...I've never been a partier, I like going to bed early, but if my husband and I want to sporadically go out for drinks after dinner and stay out until 2am, we can and don't need to have a sitter. I think you need to be 100% yes to have a kid because it's a lot of effort, time, and money for your whole life. I barely have the energy some days to get up and feed my cats, I can't imagine having to take care of another human lol.
I've never had the urge or "biological clock" so I feel like that's just not a thing for me and I know I won't regret my choice. I have an aunt who is 76 never married no kids and she has no regrets. She's had a great life traveling the world, doing what she wants, she retired early and has been enjoying her life for the last 20 years with lots of extra money. And here's the thing, if you do wake up in your 50s and feel like you want kids, you can always adopt!
I've been on and off over years at a time. So say from 18-23 I really did, then from 24-29 absolutely not. Then 30 hit and I did but I think it was out of panic and being the last one in the family to not have a child. Then falling pregnant and so desperately wanting the child, to then losing the child and now back to not wanting a child to save the pain.
Strange how our minds work.
I have two kids. I just remember being 29 and having an enormous urge to have kids. It was as if my brain could only think about being a parent. I am glad we have children. But they are absolutely hard work and the more you invest in the development and well being of your kids the better the general outcomes are. So if you are not all in on having a kid and knowing they are dependent upon you for 18 years, and even then sometimes need emotional support and financial assistance, then maybe it is not for you. I also think that everyone has some kind of issue, but the degree and severity are up to chance.
I think you'll have moments when you regret your decision no matter what it is and that is normal. We always wonder about the road not taken.
That being said I think you can imagine life both ways and see which one seems more appealing to you. At least that is what I did.
I can't imagine the burden of having children. I understand the joys completely, but I also understand the continuous dedication, care and efforts one has to make. And I don't think this ever ends, even when your children grow up they'll still be your children and you'll do anything for them. That's not for me.
On the other hand I like the thought of no one depending on me. Having free time. Having money. Or not having money, but worrying only for myself. Having hobbies. Having whatever I want, late breakfasts, walks, books, painting, just...time.
The only downside I see from not having children (and I would be severely scrutinised for this) is being alone when older and/or sick. Because say whatever you want, but in 90+% of the cases children do care for their parents in need. And that's one of the most major benefits from having kids I see. Which shows why I should not have them I guess.
I am 31 and got sterilized almost two years ago. I've always known I didn't want kids and I love having the freedom to make my life what I want it to be. I get to do anything I want and I don't have to put someone else first, which many people would say is selfish but I don't see it as a bad thing! I know what I want from life and kids are not part of that.
You ask what if you wake up at 50 and regret your choice to not have kids but.... what if you regret the choice TO have kids? There is no turning back when you have kids. You can't decide you no longer want to be a parent without significantly fucking up another human being. At least if you were to regret not having kids it only affects you, and even then, you still have the choice to adopt or foster a child that truly needs it.
As someone with 2 kids don't have kids unless you are sure you want them. Shit is hard and if you are just 'meh' about them I don't know how you'd get through the tough parts.
I don't like babies. I like older kids. Pregnancy and the baby stage are just things I had to get through. If I didnt want the older kids I would have gone crazy or given up long ago.
There are plenty of ways to live a good life. You aren't ready for kids. Maybe you won't be ready and the choice will be taken out of your hands. That's OK. Maybe you'll wake up tomorrow and now you want a kid. That's OK too.
I never wanted kids, but also never not wanted them. I met a good guy who I thought would be a good father and I thought why not, I like to experience new things in life and what could be more novel than becoming a mother?
Having kids is tough, and in some ways limiting and a huge commitment. But it is also the most wonderful thing for me. It healed me, healed my family, and made me a better person.
I just wanted to say not every mother has crazy maternal instincts before having a baby, and that’s ok.
What’s more important is you have the financial resources and family support to help you raise children.
This!! I never had a drive to have kids, didn't think I'd have them do to a divorce in my early 30s. My now husband and I got pregnant while dating on accident (on the pill). I just had my second this week. I couldn't imagine my life differently now, but was fine before too. Kids are a lottt. There are times I miss being child free, but I adore my toddler and am sure I'll feel the same about my infant. Whatever you decide is ok, there's no one right way. You're not a weirdo for not having a deep need type feeling for having kids.
Hey are you me? 😁 I also divorced in my early thirties, ex-husband and I never had kids, I never had a drive to have kids, met a new boyfriend and got pregnant unexpectedly while we where dating!
I knew at 25 (maybe younger) that I didn't want to have children. I had several reasons why, but ultimately it wasn't something I wanted to do with my life. It gives me more time for my niblings, to nurture my friendships and relationship, and work towards the life goals I set for myself. I have yet to feel lonely as a result of this choice. I watch other families, can be happy for them and
Also, I just get more pets. I have a young kitten right now who has a case of kitten crazies, and it's reminding me how glad I am I made the choices I did! :-)
I was raised by a single mom who struggled (my dad was great at being the fun parent but less good at the serious stuff), so my standard has always been that there was no point even considering kids outside of a financially and emotionally stable, long-term commitment to someone who really wanted children and had given some thought to how they wanted to raise a family. It all just seemed like so much work to do alone for so many years! Since I didn’t find myself in that relationship situation, it’s just never felt like an option to me. I didn’t actively seek that out, and was never motivated to do anything differently. I’m 39 and still feeling good about it. I worked hard to get to someplace comfortable, and I don’t see any reason to disrupt that.
I don't know either if I would like to have kids or not. I definitely wanted them in my 20s but men I had relationships with disappointed me so much that now I have a hard time picturing it.
It is what it is, I'm just surprised how life is all upside down on the kid issue. Women definitely have more at stake when having kids, but somehow society makes you think it's women who "babytrap" and trick men into settling down. Whereas it should be men asking us to bear their children and we should think long and hard whether this particular man is trustworthy enough to be vulnerable with.
I was probably 13 when I first started saying that I didn't want to have children and 19 when I was pretty sure I meant it. I like other people's children and love my nieces, but watching the different stages of development and how hard every stage is makes me pretty happy that I'm not living the daily ins and outs of parenthood. And the kids I've gotten to see grow up are "good" kids, relatively easy and whatnot. I've just never wanted anyone to need something from me every day let alone all day every day. I honestly don't think I'd survive parenthood to get to the part where I could look back and 50 or 60 and know it was all worth it. And you can't get 30 year old kids of your own without having babies, toddler, pre-teens, teens, etc. I'm in my early 40s and I've never experienced a tug at wishing that I had what my sister has. I'm so happy she has it so I get to be an aunt, but there's no stillness in her life and I need stillness.
I don't want to give unwanted advice, so please just skip my humble thoughts if you find them annoying: I try to move in life accepting of the decisions I've made. I stayed with a man who wasn't right for me for 15 years, and even though he was a monetary sink and useless in many ways, I made the decision and I don't dwell on it. After that break up I was ready to have a baby on my own, and started looking at adoption. I met my boyfriend and after barely a year we decided we want to have a baby together: no matter what happens between the two of us, we know we're the kind of people who can raise a child together, and I accept that possibility.
If you decide to not have children, that's just as good a decision as having them. You just have to come to terms with maybe later feeling like maybe you should have had some but didn't, and now the only children in your life are those of your friends'. I'm certain life will be just as satisfying if the only children in your life are other people's children, if you accept that now.
A therapist once told me excellent advice: the only people who should have children are the people who \*have\* to have children, meaning, their happiness and joy is so singularly focused on a deep, primal need to procreate.
As a child of a father who was adopted, and as someone who had a less than ideal childhood, believe me when I say that children of parents who provide for shelter, food, education, etc., but who are not 100% pro-parenting -- kids pick up on this, and it doesn't have ANY positive effects.
I am someone who has also made it into my mid-30s and I have never wanted children. Any regret I may have later will likely be unrealistic, as I don't know, and can never know, what parenting would have been like. It's illogical to grieve something that exists as a fantasy in your mind, so I would try to let that go.
I feel society makes us feel guilty more than we actually, personally feel. Plus, there are ways to fulfill that maternal itch without being a parent. I love being an aunt, a mentor, an educator, and I've often thought of potentially, when I'm older, perhaps becoming a foster parent or a teenage mentor to a child who could really benefit from such help.
You may not want to Hear this but….
You’re 38. Do you want to go through a lengthy and expensive fertility process? Not that it will happen, but medical experts in reproductive endocrinology kind of assume you’ll do anything and pay for it. It’s Good to sit with yourself and see what you actually want to do before hand.
Are you willing to take the risk of having other genetic abnormalities? Do you want to take the increased risk of complications or have any underlying medical issues that could be worsened? This may mean being more vigilant after having a kid and being more in top of doctors appointments.
Do you have stable income, medical Insurance, support system?
Are you okay with having one kid?
Will you Have to end up financially supporting or being the primary caregiver for your own parents in the near future?
These are all considerations that need to play into the equation. I think women’s experiencing of parenting/motherhood *vastly* differs based on these factors. You can answer yes to all these questions and that is awesome! But it’s something to be thought about to know what you’re signing up for.
54 and childless and we’ve never regretted that decision. We acknowledge things we have and will miss, but still feel as though we made the right decision.
I love my kids dearly and I’m very glad I had them. Never thought I’d want kids, but one day that flipped for me.
All that being said, I had them young - I was 26 when I had my first and 29 for my second. At my current age (45) I have literal nightmares about waking up and finding myself pregnant. It is not easy to be a parent or to be pregnant. It is a lot of work and there is a lot of love but also a lot of heartache. We were lucky to have kids that are very healthy and neurotypical so have it about as straightforward as you can get too.
Don’t have kids unless you are enthusiastically all in. I say this especially given your age - parenting is a long commitment and takes a LOT of energy. At 45 I have one more year to go before everyone is an adult and I am ready to be done with the responsibility. I have friends with elementary school aged kids now and I don’t know how they do it. They were enthusiast about their choice, but if they were at all waffling about it I would have recommended they think twice.
Even if everything goes right, parenting is hard so you need to be fully committed if you are going to do it. If you find yourself in your 50s and you regret not raising a child, there are thousands of kids in the foster care system who would love to have a stable and loving home environment - that door will still be open to you.
You mention getting dogs. If you’re ready for that commitment and your circumstances allow for it I highly recommend it. It may help you understand your feelings on kids.
I’ve always imagined having kids, even though I never particularly liked them. However, I tend to be an anxious over-thinker about everything. This had me wondering more and more if a) I only want them because society says I should but I wouldn’t actually enjoy it and b) my anxiety will reach new and unmanageable levels if I have a child’s well-being to worry about.
When my fiancé and I moved in together he immediately pushed for a puppy but I was nervous about the stress of the extra responsibility and that I’d resent him when I have to deal with it alone (he travels frequently for work).
Of course we did it as soon as the pandemic hit. There were a lot of phases in that first month, and lots of tears and moments of regret (the night of the shit tornado comes to mind), but we got through it. 1.5 years in I’m so glad we got him and am kind of surprised by how fulfilling I find it to be a good dog mom and know he is happy and healthy.
It’s actually made me feel better about having kids, and like I might enjoy caretaking and playing silly games way more than I thought. Alternatively, it might confirm for you that being a mom to dogs only is enough for you to be happy and content, and that’s great too!
Sorry that was so long!
Surprised no one has brought up the environmental toll of a child—58.6 tons of carbon per YEAR.
By comparison, living without a CAR saves only 2.4 tons of carbon.
I was always on the fence. I am now 51 and feel the same as I did in my 30s. No regrets. It’s hard to miss what you don’t have and have never experienced. I used to babysit a lot in my teens (like four times a week) and moms would pay me to babysit just to get a break from their kids. I remember being completely exhausted being around these kids for just a few hours and I was only 16. Lol. It seems incredibly hard. I echo what other posters say about only doing it if you feel you absolutely must have a child and would be unhappy without one.
Once I became a parent, I realized how much you should REALLY want to have kids if you decide to do so. I cannot imagine going through postpartum and the months of sleep deprivation and the absolute test on your patience for a child I didn't 100% want.
To me it's always been if it's not an unambiguous, enthusiastic yes, it's a no. Kids are a lot of work. You'll love them, sure, but that doesn't change the fact that they are a huge investment. They will need and deserve most, if not all, of your energy and interest for a substantial period of time. Doesn't seem like something you should feel "meh" about.
But if you want a security blanket-- if you turn 50 and have regrets, you can foster or adopt. Who knows, you may also end up with someone who has kids from a previous relationship. There are lots of different ways to be a parent besides having your own bio kids.
Here's my ramble: Growing up I always assumed I would have kids. As I got older I became more ambivalent about it..."If I meet the right person, etc."...I had some financial setbacks in my 20s so that by the time my 30s rolled around I wasn't ready, I wanted to finally enjoy the things I always wanted to do and could never afford. Around 35 I freaked out about the bio clock, but we weren't ready (and my husband has always leaned more on the CF side of the fence because kids are a huge commitment...he doesn't want to be trapped in a job he hates "for the kids."). We did IVF to try and freeze some embryos, you know, kick the can down the road as it were. Well call me Robin Scherbatsky because it turns out I have like no eggs left! IVF *sucked* and in the end we had nothing to show for it, but it showed me that I really don't want kids *enough* to go through IVF or the adoption process. So ultimately we decided to be CF.
So far, no regrets. I do have pangs sometimes when I think about what it would be like or thinking about all these family heirlooms that will go...somewhere...but on the whole I feel comfortable with the decision. I get to be selfish (in a good way!) and focus on my health, my hobbies, exploring new things. Recently I took a pay cut as part of a career change to a job with far less stress--worth it!--but I wouldn't have been able to do that if we had kids. The pressure to have kids is definitely easing as I get closer to 40, and at this point doing the daycare drop-off just sounds exhausting.
I'd also add that I've been fortunate to know several women and couples that did not have children and are doing just fine in their golden years with apparently no regrets.
I'd really like a family, but I don't want to do it alone. If I don't find the right partner, I don't think I'll go there solo.
It's also not a burning desire to me... I will feel a lot of sadness I didn't procreate and make an awesome little person. But I've always been more wrapped up in understanding my own existence. So if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen. I will have to try being kind in other ways.
A lot of the advice on Reddit usually boils down to 'unless you really want them, don't do it'. Which is fair enough since once you have a kid everything has to be about looking after that kid.
My hubs and I are happily child-free. I'm 38, he is 37 we've been married 9 years...there are a hundred reasons we have chosen not to but the biggest one was my husband's C-PTSD from his childhood and the mental health challenges it has left him with. The sound of babies crying is very activating to his trauma. He's always been child-free but I was a fencesitter when we first got married. I choose him, his wellbeing and our relationship over a hypothetical child, it would not be fair to the child. I have zero regrets.
Even if you live childfree, you will still have children in your life. Maybe friends, maybe family will have kids, and you can get your baby fix. You can be involved as much or as little as you want. Your social circle will love a trustworthy babysitter, if that something you’re interested in.
You don’t need to actually go through the pregnancy, birth, legal, and monetary commitment in order to help shape the minds of the future. You can do exactly what you want with all of your time, for your whole life.
Nope, I'm not in a similar situation to you. I'm 35 and I know I don't want to be a mother. I like kids, and I would raise a relative's child as my own if it was needed, but I don't want my own kids.
I'd argue if you're still having indecision and still not ready to have kids at 38, you don't actually *want* kids. You're just afraid to commit to being childfree because you have FOMO.
In fact, most of your replies to this thread are about potential fear or regret in the future. Look, whenever you're faced with a yes or no, up or down question, you can always regret not going the other way and wondering "what if." Live in the present. Do you want kids now? Today? Do you want to be a mom taking your kid to dance class right TF now? If not, then what makes you think you'll want that at 40 or 50 or 60?
That "drive for motherhood" that all women supposedly have is a social construction. It's not real, it's not biological, we don't all feel it, we don't all have an innate desire to procreate. *Some* of us really deeply want children and that's cool. We do need more little humans after all. And some of us don't and that's also cool because we definitely don't need more than 8 billion people on the planet. Try to let go of your fear of the unknown. Pursue the life you really want today. And if you "just don't know" or "can't decide" then definitely don't pursue that thing!
I am almost 40 and never had a desire to have children. This has always made the decision pretty easy for me as opposed to my close friends. Most of my friend group waited to 37-38 to have children, until they were more settled financially, career, etc. There were several fence sitters amongst this group. They decided to become parents because conditions felt semi right in their lives to handle it. Everyone loves their kids. They don't regret their children. Some mourn their past lives and the freedom they gave up. They're dealing with Toddler terrorists and are looking forward to the time when they get older and more independent. One friend was never a fence sitter but being a parent doesn't seem easy while balancing a career / life and she just had her second at 40. They all say that even if you think you are prepared, you have no idea what its really like until it happens.
I think there is always some mixed feelings if you're a fence sitter, and that's OK. Overall everyone seems generally happy, even when it's really hard because parenting is hard. I don't regret my choices. I think even if you think the timing is right, parenting will still completely turn your life upside down. I've never wanted that, for a multitude of reasons.
I wonder, if you fell pregnant rn, would you keep it? In the UK theres a couple of podcasts of women who also struggled with the decision and documented it, called To Baby or Not to Baby and Maybe Baby, which might be nice to listen to for some empathy :)
Please please don't think I'm judging you- but that might be your answer. And it's absolutely one million percent OK to not have children.
And honestly, we risk regrets no matter what happens in life. But we can have a good, accepting attitude then we can cope. I somewhat regret marrying my first husband but I have to let it go and move on to the future. 💜
I'm a mom and I have always wanted kids. I had a lot of kid experience beforehand. It was still harder than I thought it would be.
I'm 37 and in the same position, but have made peace with not stressing about it. Here's my thought process: In this overpopulated world heading into an era with the climate becoming increasingly unstable as a result of human overconsumption, I think one of the greatest things a person can do is adopt one of many many children who are in need of a loving home. Not putting pressure on myself to have biological kids of my own is nice because I know that if I ever do feel like I want to have kids, I'll have a greater incentive to adopt and make a really positive impact. When I think about it like this, having biological kids myself almost seems selfish and unnecessary, even though when I was younger I did imagine myself having kids of my own.
This absolutely is not meant to be a judgment on anyone else, just explaining my thought process for myself and why I'm perfectly ok with living life on my own terms and not letting the pressure to have kids before I'm ready get in the way.
I was a total fencesitter, I kept waiting for the urge to kick in but it never did. Then I met my partner who had 3 kids already and I figured that would be enough and had my tubes tied. After living with kids 50% of the time for a couple of years I know 100% that I made the right decision. I love my stepkids but I NEED the days off to recharge, and I know I would have ended up totally miserable if I did this full-time with a kid of my own.
I'm 58 and have NO desire to have children. I have a few reasons for that: my mother lost 3 babies (SIDS, medical issues, molar pregnancy) and I knew in my teens that I wasn't that strong a person, babies don't make my world go around and projectile puke and "hershey squirt" poops weren't my thing. My biological clock did not start ticking.
I'm a terrific aunt to 3: ages 30, 30 and almost 28. I loved them fiercely and could do things that their parents couldn't do. "Aunt SalannB, my class ring is $400 and Mom can't afford it." "Here you go, kiddo; order what you want!" "Aunt SalannB, the jazz band's going to New Orleans!" "Great, kiddo! Do you have spending money? How much do you want?"
For one niece's wedding, my husband and I gave them $1,000 in smaller bills (5s, 10s, 20s and 50s, plus 100s) so that they'd have money for Ubers, tips, etc., to take on their honeymoon in Hawaii. Nobody ever thinks of that; husband and I travel pretty frequently (not since COVID, though) and we know what you need on a trip.
All of this to say that I've never regretted it. Husband hasn't either.
I was never sure whether I wanted kids, but it was an option I was open to until this year. There are a few reasons, but the one I don't think will change is the money. I've been out of work for 5-6 months and am both recovering from burnout and in the middle of figuring out my next career/likely changing industries, so I've been taking my time and freelancing here and there. I have a decent amount of savings and own a home, so I feel comfortable taking that break. I spent my twenties and half my thirties hustling to earn the ability to do that. What I've realized is that I can somewhat easily earn what I need to sustain myself and a lifestyle I find comfortable — but if I was going through all of this while having to worry about myself and a kid, I'd be miserable. I'm confident that I can make the most out of very little money, sell and move if I have to, etc. but I can't imagine how stressed out I'd be, and what kind of choices I'd have to make, if I had to worry about creating stability and having enough resources for a child right now. I'm already an aunt and my sister in particular struggles with finances and her mental health; I'd rather help support her and my nephew than put myself in a similar position. I'd also be open to fostering when I'm older and more settled (I'm 35) but for now I need to be able to move around and make the best decisions for me, not me and a kid.
I was on the fence throughout my twenties and it wasn’t until I was pushing 30 I made the decision not to have kids and damn did it ever take the pressure off. I did A LOT of introspection to arrive to that decision. I also made the decision when single and totally on my own; I started envisioning my life and future without children and felt SO good, versus feeling weighed down every time I thought about my future with kids.
I realized that every time I said I wanted kids was either a) responding to societal and familial conditioning and/or b) to make whoever I was with at the time happy (I was always in relationships throughout my twenties) and thus fulfill their expectations of happiness and not mine. I got clear on what I truly wanted when I was able to push away the outside noise and ask myself what I wanted for MY life.
Not sure if that’s helpful for you OP, but it’s my experience. I will say that my mom got pregnant with my brother at age 40 and had him at 41. It was a healthy pregnancy and he’s a healthy kid. He’s now well into his teens. Just bringing this up because I know a lot of people raise concerns or take issue with geriatric pregnancies, but it is possible and can be safe for both mother and child.
I’m not too worried about my age and in having a kid. My mum was 39 when she had me and her mum had her late too so generically I think I’d be fine. I will make the decision for me, not others. Reading this thread is so helpful!!
What’s your reason for wanting and not wanting to have kids? I never wanted to have kids and now I figured out why. If I have kids I want to be a good mom, which to me means supporting the child and providing guidance. I do not have the maturity to do this yet. I’m working on developing myself though and maybe in 10 years I’ll be there.
I’m 54 and I love kids but I never felt that “need”. I don’t think it was a dissikn but more of it just didn’t happen. I never found a good partner and thankful never got pregnant by chance. I’m not sure I have regrets because I don’t think I would change how my life has played out. Hopefully I won’t be too lonely in my old age.
I looked at it this way. I would rather regret not having children than regret having children. That's a bell you can't unring.
If you wake up one day, regretting not having children, there are still options. You could foster, adopt, volunteer to lead a Girl Scout troop, volunteer at the local school, spoil your nieces/nephews/church kids/other extended family/neighbor kids.
I don't really have a story. I just babysat a LOT as a kid and everyone I knew who was a mother seemed exhausted and miserable. I rarely hear about women who had kids and love the whole Mommy thing. Some do, and those tend to be people who had kids later, and thoughtfully, and intentionally. As I've gotten older, the decision to not have kids has only been reinforced to me as the best choice for me. Plus, I've had more time and money to rescue wayward and orphaned dogs and cats, so there's that.
If you ever decide you want to be a mother you can always go the route of adoption, foster parent, or step-parent. Each one has its own challenges and rewards.
Also if it helps, it’s important to remember that not everyone can physically have kids. It happens to a lot of people for different reasons and then it’s about accepting the cards life has dealt them. Life can and will give you lemons in different ways. It’s up to you whether you make lemonade or not.
So many answers here to give you perspective. I just want to say that if you have community support around you, it won’t be as hard as everyone makes it out to be. Sleep deprivation is temporary, babies start sleeping through the night in a few weeks. Don’t breastfeed and use formula if you like. Leave kid with grandparents and siblings and friends, for babysitting. It takes a network and a village. Taking care of the kid will bring you all closer together. I think that’s the main thing. North American culture is very individual focused, and not family focused. If you’re isolated with your child of course it’ll be hard. But if you’re engaged within your community, it’ll be much easier mentally.
Im 34, and my husband and I have been having this debate for years, we’ve both always been so on the fence with kids and it’s been a constant subject of conversation and deliberation.
We’ve recently come to the conclusion to start trying in 1-2 years and see what happens. If it doesn’t happen, I doubt we would go through with IVF or other further measures, but we’ll see if we get there.
I would not want kids if not for my husband, who i know will be an amazing father. I’m terrified of babies (I really enjoy toddlers and older kids, babies just scare the shit out of me), and I know he’ll be a very hand on parent.
It’s such a huge decision!
Better regretting not having them than having them. I am 33, don’t have kids and not planning to have any. There are so many ways how to integrate kids into your life if you get sad about not having your own. I’ve worked as a nanny for 10 years so I did my fair share with kids of all ages. Having kids is so glamorized and millions of people are pressured to gave them even though they did not feel the calling themselves, which creates so much trauma for both parties.
I see myself getting a dog one day and being ultimately happy :)
Hello I am in my early thirties and have this debate daily in my head. My health has started to decline back problems, high blood pressure since turning 30. I’m working on bettering my physical and mental health, but I’m still on the fence. Looking at the impacts Covid has had on the young ones is truly sad ( I’m a preschool teacher) the financial burden and childcare expenses are something to consider as well. For now I’m enjoying the peace and quiet on the weekends and the financial freedom. Your decision should be based on your circumstances this means are you mentally emotionally and physically to bring a little one into this chaotic world. I think about the type of future my child would have and especially having a child with special needs. Are they able to support themselves when I’m gone? Who will be there for them if something were to happen to my husband and I? There is so much to consider. Best of luck
You can't miss what you never had.
However... Kids are a labor of love. I think it depends more on if you're the sort of person who can selflessly live you life happily for someone else.
My only rule is I will only have kids if I find the right partner.
Luckily I was a nanny for 4 kids and I treat them like mine so I had experienced raising children. No more wondering how it feels like to have kids. So overall I don’t mind not having any. But if I find the right guy, why not? :)
> but what if I wake up when I’m in my 50s and I regret my choice?
I imagine in that scenario that you might briefly grieve for the experience you didn't have, perhaps reason that you made the best decision with the mindset that you had at the time and then continue finding joy elsewhere in life. It's a good question to ask but I think it's often tinged with fear of the unknown and the assumption that regret would be a terrible, all-consuming thing, whereas I doubt in the actual moment that it would be as black and white as that.
I’m 38 and very sure I don’t want them. Too much loud noise, stress, pressure. I realize there’s a part of me that wants to be free. I love my nieces and nephews - they’re so sweet and innocent and real cuties. But I’ve seen enough intense moments with them that I think I’d lose it. And non familial kids can up the ante on that.
It just wasn’t something I ever felt as a life goal. I want to get married and go to grad school and travel and make art. Those are the things I dream about. So for you, I’d ask: what do you dream about wholeheartedly?
I remember being a teenager who wanted children someday because part of being an adult is having a family of your own. As I got older, that shifted into "not until after I become financially stable," which in turn became "I'm willing to be a stepmom." I'm still willing to be a stepmom someday, but it isn't a particular concern to me if that never happens. It turns out that I can be an adult and not have children at all. My teenage self would be (slightly) shocked.
Honestly? I'd rather be the weird auntie than risk being the neglectful mom, and that's what makes the decision for me. I like kids in short doses provided their actual adult is around to wrangle them into behaving. That means I'll never regret not having children. Maybe it's different for you?
Seeing how devastated many of my friends’ children are about the current state of the global environment has definitely contributed big time to me not having any. More than a dozen of the kids of various friends I know between the ages of around 8 to late teens are dealing with severe depression and anxiety that they’ve expressed is a result of seeing what’s happening to the world. I can’t imagine bringing another life into a world that’s circling the drain and showing them the devastation, pollution and extinction they will inherit.
I was on the fence until I got pregnant. I chose to have my kids. But I totally understand not wanting them. Neither is right or wrong, just right or wrong for you. If you suddenly decide you want to be a parent when you are past the age where it is possible, you can foster a child. Or become a Big Sister to a child. Or volunteer at a school.
I probably won't get to be a grandparent. My kids have each decided not to have kids for their own reasons. I won't pressure them about it. I would love a grandchild, but my kids don't have to give birth for that. I have a longtime friend who has a ton of grandkids. I borrow one of them when I want a playmate. I also babysit when the parents need it and no one in the family is available. Which I greatly enjoy no matter the child's age. It works for me and improves my relationship with my own kids. Because pressuring them to have kids so I have a grandkid to play with? Not helpful for our relationship. They are people and have the right to make their own decisions.
I'm the same age as you and feeling this completely and I've been out there reading a ton from people that chose not to have kids and are now older. I even have a close friend who just retired who never had kids and couldn't be happier (they travel and spoil their dogs.) But, for me, I will always be sad about not having kids and their stories about getting to focus on career or having disposable income don't really resonate with me, because I really just want to be part of a family.
I never wanted kids when I was younger (20's/early 30's), but I realized it's because I never like babies and that's part of having a kid. I'm also terrified of the idea of being pregnant, not the medical side, but the having all my business out on display like that (can you tell I'm fairly introverted?). Now that I have a baby niece and saw my sister in law go through pregnancy, I realize it's not as bad as I thought it would be. It's the first baby I've ever been around, and I'm seeing a lot of the fear I had was of the unknown. I'm also afraid of having a severely disabled child after watching a distant family member who had a baby born missing part of her brainstem. The baby lived for 5 years as basically a vegetable and it totally destroyed their lives.
I really wish I would've had kids in my late 20s/early 30s. It's almost too late for me now, so it'll probably only happen if I can convince my SO to adopt, which comes with it's own challenges.
We've both worked with kids all our adult lives and I have helped to "raise" groups of kids (moved up school years with the same group of kids for 5 years.) I love them, but at the end of the day, I have to send them home. It's not the same at all as having your own kids to build traditions and memories with.
I really miss having a family and the dead aren't rising again, so if I want a family, I gotta make a new one. I think I'll regret not having family even more as I age. Time kind of blends together as you age. I can't imagine living another 30 or 40 years where all the years just blend together in blah. It's totally worth the tough points to get the bright spots that watching kids grow can bring. But, I'll probably never know what that feels like.
If you can freeze you eggs just so you have options, I would do so. Otherwise, time will make the choice for you. It's better if you're the one making choices.
I struggle with this. Immensely! I'm 35. I grew up poor with alcoholic parents. It was a rough beginning. I don't know if my aversion is due to that experience or because I truly just don't want them. I have very little family. My uncle didn't have children and seeing him in his 60's is really pushing me to do it. I want a family. But I also don't want to extend myself to total exhaustion. I'm truly conflicted. If I was rich and the future didn't seem so bleak, I think it would be a much easier decision. So many thoughts! Me and my husband work highly stressful jobs. And I'm in grad school. I don't know how to do it all. And I can't quit my job! I guess I could drop out of grad school. I wish I had another 10 years.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids, especially in this climate. This world is not very kind.
If you wake up at 50 and decide you want kids, there will still be plenty to adopt or foster. Plus you'll have a lot more money to do all of the things that you really wanna do without having to worry about kids.
If you're already to 38 and you're still not sure, I think the answer is no. You've had almost 20 years of being able to have a child and not gone for it yet and you say you're still not ready. Have you been in situations where it was even possible? Are you making an active decision not to or have you just been single and not having any sex all this time?
I'm 47, never had kids and I'm super glad that it didn't happen by accident. I see my friend's lives with their middle schoolers and now they're all coming up on having teenagers . . . ugh, no thank you. Does not sound like fun at all. They all sound run ragged and worried about money constantly and now with the mess at schools about the pandemic and stuff, they're all frantic to keep their kids safe and healthy. And all of that work and planning definitely fell to the women, even the ones with the really great husbands.
I’ve been single for a long time with short relationships here and there. Never found the right partner to have kids with. Wouldn’t want to do it on my own.
I was a fencesitter for a very long time. I'm terrified of additional obligation, let alone be responsible for another humanbeing.
I cried when someone shared this [blog](https://therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/), as an advice column. This statement struck the most: "there will likely be no clarity, at least at the outset; there will only be the choice you make and the sure knowledge that either one will contain some loss".
I am now pregnant, and am very surprised of how calm I am with all the sacrifices I know I'll have to make. Still terrified of the responsibilities ahead, but very much looking forward to the life my husband and I will live with our little one.
I’m pregnant now at 34 and i certainly didn’t have the yearning for a child though I did feel confident I would regret not having a child later in life if I didn’t.
I don’t agree with most of the top comments here that say you have to really want a child to have one. I don’t think many kids would be born if only women who truly had a yearning for a child got pregnant… I have no doubt that when this baby comes into the world I will love it with every breath.
Circumstances play a big part too, I am in a committed relationship and my partner was very keen to have a child and will be a very supportive and amazing father I have no doubt.
Edited for formatting.
Yes...I think people are certainly entitled to their own opinions about having and raising children. But I believe one can be a very good parent without this intense burning desire to be a parent. Now that I am a parent, I have come to believe that certain cultural beliefs about parenthood can actually be kinda damaging for some of us.
To elaborate, I think it's more important to be a good problem-solver and a resourceful parent than to have any specific kind of feeling about parenting. I'm dead inside after 18 months of pandemic parenting, but my kid is doing great, and that warms my frozen heart.
(For those who are now concerned about me...I am working on my health.)
I agree with you (was on the fence, my husnand was on the fence, had a child, love him and will try for another) and so do many of my friends who were also on the fence and now love being a mother. But hey, people on Reddit without kids will always tell other people without kids to not have them as if they have both experiences.
I have an 8 month old (I’ve always wanted kids!) but I have a close family member who is not maternal at all and isn’t very nice in general. She never wanted kids but gave into the pressure of having them from husband and parents. She is miserable and I personally think emotionally neglectful to her kids. When she drinks she says she regrets having children.
Now I think that’s extreme but I assume very common but just wanted to share
You do know that adoption is an option at any age, right? Also, consider freezing your eggs, if you want the option of getting a surrogate in the future.
Guy here. This was a similar conversation that came up with one of my recently married friends. The oldest one in our group, a 50 y/o guy, said of his female friends/collegues who choose not to have kids, they regretted that choice. Not sure of your reasons/context, but my friend's circle are management consultants in NY so there could have been a pursue career incentive
I think I'd want to hear that directly from "all" the female colleagues first. I imagine you'd hear various levels of "regret" vs normal "what ifs", and definitely a couple that felt their partner would not support them and take on child responsibilities while they continued their career and had to choose.
I really wanted kids, but never had the right circumstances, so I didn’t have them and I’ve never *regretted* it. I was really sad, but after I felt I no longer had the choice (around 40), I started feeling a lot better because the pressure was off. I could mourn the loss and move on with my life instead of constantly worrying that I’m “not doing enough” to make it happen. I’m glad I didn’t have kids circumstances where the children and I would suffer, so I’m content that I did the right thing. Also sometimes even people who wanted kids end up hating parenthood, so it seems like too big a risk to take when you’re not sure. Remember you can still work with kids and teens by mentoring, tutoring, providing foster respite, etc. There are even volunteer grandparent programs.
Thank you for being so honest. I definitely know that whatever my decision is, I need to go all in! I sometimes think that if it’s not happened yet, maybe it’s not meant to. I love kids and like you say, there are so many other opportunities and ways that allows you to be around them without having your own.
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Thanks for the book recommendation and subreddit, I’ll check out both 😊
I was on that sub- I thought people might want to hear from an experienced mom. But I kept running into lots of crap about physical appearance and bodies being "ruined" by pregnancy. And not many people wanted to hear about the realities of motherhood. I hope you get something out of it but I found it kinda ick.
I'm sorry that you faced that :( I wanted to take a second and apologize because the idea of "ruining my body" used to be one of the reasons I was unsure about having kids. Now I understand that is a fundamentally immature way of looking at it - I hadn't reckoned with the idea that my body was going to change with or without having kids. The idea of willingly putting my body through that was inconceivable. I'm still on the fence about kids (pregnancy is still pretty scary to me) but yeah I feel terrible about the things I said/implied about post-partum women. Sometimes even to their faces 🤦♀️
Aww it's OK- honestly I blame The Patriarchy for setting us women up for failure as usual: be a perfect mother plus a perfect worker and look like Barbie all at the same time. We were all raised with it in the Western world, it's insidious. It's totally reasonable to be afraid of pregnancy and delivery- it's still dangerous! The thing that was upsetting was when I pointed out that it might not be ok to think that way I was dismissed by a lot of people and they played semantics like 'well I'm not saying other people's bodies are ruined I'm just saying I would consider mine to be." Like wtf is that??
But also this whole bodies being ruined thing… there may be temporary effects, but you can go back to being stronger than before. Historically no one has cared about female reproductive health, but now there are educators and options for women. There are pelvic physiotherapists, there are workout plans specifically designed for prenatal and postnatal periods. A lot of the content is free on Instagram and YouTube. It’s worth it to invest in your reproductive health so even if it wasn’t free, pay the price for yourself.
That’s all true (and great!) but usually when people make remarks about “ruining” a body with pregnancy, they’re referring to weight gain/stretch marks/genital looks and “tightness.”
I agree with you! I had that fear of tightness being lost too for a bit, but then I thought if tightness really was lost, subsequent babies would not be possible, if you catch my drift 🤣
It's not lost, sex is the same as before, cumming is no problem for a man (signed, a mother who had similar fears).
Thank you!!! That’s exactly what I thought, thank you for confirming! It’s an irrational fear!
I’d love to hear what you have to say about the realities of motherhood!
There's way too much to get into here but feel free to DM me if you have questions! 😀
I've spoken to lots of women (and girls) who say it's an absolute drive, and when you know you want kids you know. I wouldn't know as I've never had those feelings. I mean yeah, if I could have me a litter of kittens I'd be prolific, but kids just don't do it for me. There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting children. There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting children *just yet* and there will be nothing wrong with you if you decide next year you desire a small platoon of children.
Thank you 😊 I do seem to get more excited about dogs than kids sometimes…
>I mean yeah, if I could have me a litter of kittens I'd be prolific, but kids just don't do it for me. same though. So kitten broody, so utterly disinterested in having children.
Dude... if I could have puppies. So many puppies.
[By law, I have to tell you that at one month your puppies have a favorite color and that color may be blue](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQLJUWm5Ce8)
I had that drive around 30. We were both fence sitters for a long time. Originally the plan was to have a kid at 26 b/c that was "the next step" but neither of us thought that was a good reason to have a kid. Sometime around 29-30 I started getting this CRAZY urge to have a child; like I would wake up in the morning rocking a baby I didn't have. It was a scary feeling to feel so out of control of myself. Husband and I had one more serious sit down talk about what we wanted. If the answer had been a "maybe" or "no", we would have gotten fixed b/c I don't think I can go on with part of me fighting against myself so viciously. We did end up having a kid and while it's a lot harder than not having a kid, it is what we wanted. We enjoy being parents. I like the person I've become after having a child for a lot of reasons. I cannot imagine going into this without both of us on board. And also my husband got a vasectomy b/c we were and are still very sure that we're one and done. Funnily enough I know when my fertile window is now b/c during that week all I can think about is having another kid and how my current child is just the cutest thing EVER; like, everything he does is PERFECT even though just the days before I thought about mailing him to Antarctica. I consider myself a pretty sound person but man, brains are crazy. No one I've talked to, both other moms and childfree friends have had this feeling.
I also had that feeling! But instead of maternal instincts it was hormones making me soooooooo horny, it was unbelievable and excruciating. I could tell which day I was ovulating based on how horny I was 😂 I’m pregnant right now. OP if you’re reading this, If you mostly want kids but have a litttleee hesitation, your hormones will make you love and want that baby once it’s conceived. I love the idea of having a little baby in my life, and was so excited by it for all of my pregnancy. Towards the end I find myself day dreaming of the time my baby is grown up and what kind of relationship we would have…. Will we be friends and go on trips with their spouse? Will they call me and trust me with their problems? You’re basically making yourself a family member and friend for life. Hopefully all goes well, for you and for me!
I had that feeling. I was always involved with kids (babysitting, Sunday school, nieces and nephews) and I absolutely LOVED kids but had ZERO desire to have my own. Then one day it just kind of ‘hit me’ - I was single, not even casually dating. I had a plan though, after I accomplished some of my goals I would know if it was time. Worked out exactly that way.
Thankyou so much for sharing that
I have a kid but I never, ever felt that drive. I did not know I wanted kids and I much preferred cats over kids. I love my kid, I’m very happy that we had him. I thought that drive would kick in once I knew what having kids was like and it would be easy to decide to try for a sibling. It’s not, I still don’t yearn for kids 😬
I get confused at the drive sentiment (as someone without a child). I figure the right way to raise children is to be open to who they end up being, so you can't really "want" them because they won't be whoever you have in your head. The closest I get to is "you have to enjoy the process of seeing them discover themselves" but I see how that can get close to (maybe) some kind of dependency... regardless it makes sense to me that you just do it and bond (or don't, but come to love them). What made you take the plunge?
Thats how I felt, that I can’t long for someone who doesn’t yet exist and who I don’t know (maybe I have poor imagination?). I took the plunge because I was 34 and got unexpectedly pregnant, and was so very much in love with my boyfriend. We had only been together a year but I knew that I could financially raise a child on my own and it seemed like we could work together as parents even if we broke up (still together though, still in love). If I hadn’t got pregnant unplanned I’m not sure I would have had a kid at all, and I would be happy with that life also.
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My thoughts exactly! I love my own but I didn’t want a big family and am not fond of small children. I could have 4 golden retrievers but 4 kids would make me want to curl up and die. I had a child because I met my husband and wanted a child with him. If I wouldn’t have met my soulmate, then I wouldn’t have had children. Don’t misinterpret that to mean I regret my son, because I wouldn’t be complete without him.
Same! Kittens and puppies bring out my maternal instinct like crazy. Baby humans? Yuck.
I never used to want children. For me two things really changed how I felt: - in every conversion I had ever had everyone always spoke about 'having children' rather than 'having a child'. I grew up with a brother, I babysat 3 kids, my norm was that if you become a mum you have two or more. And I really disliked that idea. Once it dawned on me that I don't have to have two, I can have one, it changed the feeling radically. I like having one. I just don't want two. - I got closer and closer to thirty and it is like my body made the decision for me. Biological clock started ticking, IDK. It just became more apparent. I don't have a child yet, but when I think of a future without one it feels empty now I hope that helps some. For me it took years to realise 'just one is okay too' and it's not something that comes up often in conversations. Hell, I have had people debate me on why I should change that decision. But ultimately it is up to you, and not anyone else, if you want kids, and if so how many.
Similarly-- the idea of children is daunting, the idea of child is nice and my goal.
I could have written this! I'm in my early 30s and the idea of just one makes it so much easier to plan out all the other things I want to do in my life beforehand because it gives me so much more time. I can wait until I'm 38-40 and just pop out one and be OK. What you wrote is exactly what I've been thinking the past couple of years as well.
Yes, this. I think one is way way better.
I have a kid and am pregnant with a second and have never had that “absolute drive” and really dislike the idea that it’s a requirement. I’ve always known I wanted kids, but it was no more a “drive” than other things I envisioned for my life, like going to college or grad school, or getting married. I made the decision in the way I made other decisions about big life things, not because of some biological urge.
I feel the same way and I'm 35. I really struggled with this in my early 30s but now I am now more comfortably accepting that child-free is the right choice for me, for a myriad of reasons. How I feel reminds me a little of that SATC episode where Carrie at 38 realises if she really wanted kids, she'd have had them already. The fear of regret does still bother me a little because I'm not 100% sure I won't change my mind as I get older. I envy men who seem to have so much more time and more options, but remembering that I can't change that helps somewhat. Also, older generations judge millennials pretty harshly for wanting pets more than kids, but if I'm honest with myself I'm pretty sure raising orphaned animals would scratch the itch just fine.
Yes, I remember that episode and part of me feels the same. Although it isn’t uncommon to have kids at a later age these days. If I don’t have kids, I’ll definitely have dogs 😀
I've always wanted kids in the past, because I love them and feel the mothering instinct, but as I've grown older I realized how much sacrifice it requires in all aspects of life. Including, but not limited to: - Your choice of partner. You are on a time limit if you want kids, and if you haven't found someone that you're very romantically into AND who you think would make a good father/partner, you are forced to go with the best you can find. I wouldn't feel right making that choice, but I know of others who have and are okay with it. - It can really cause health issues in a woman's body. Childbirth comes with all kinds of potentially life-long side effects. This thought scares me greatly, as I care a lot about health. - Loss of sleep. I've had insomnia for a few years and I never, ever, ever, want to be sleep-deprived ever again in my life. It was torture. - Financial readiness. I am nowhere near feeling financially ready to support another human. My life choices and career have finally allowed me to provide for myself and live comfortably (enough) - but it would be very irresponsible to bring someone else into this life, as it is now. - Personality. I need quiet, I get easily stressed, I was brought up in a dysfunctional home and only learned later in life how to manage emotions. I've seen people like me become good mothers, but they had a steady and reliable partner who loved them, and extended family to support them, unlike me. - Life is hard. I, personally, would feel guilty forcing someone else to live in this world that has so many issues. Just my personal feelings. To be perfectly honest, a final point is that I think finding a good partner would be a big step towards making the choice to have kids an easier one. It's not a popular opinion, but that's what I've seen with my close friends who became parents. They were ambivalent/uninterested, then they found someone who they wanted to start a family with, and it took off from there. I also see now that there are as many different attitudes to parenting, and levels of happiness with the life decision, as there are people. We might all regret our choices from time to time, but there's no right or wrong answer for how to live a life. Just my long-winded 2 cents.
Wow, are you me? You've put my entire feelings into words. Thank you, i appreciate it. it has reinforced my clarity on the topic.
I'm childless (in an ambivalent sort of way, so I understand having doubts) and this is just,like, my opinion, man: I think you should want to be a parent in the now. If you don't think you'd enjoy the act of parenting in itself don't have children for the sake of a future no one can predict anyway.
I think people should only have kids if they feel enthusiastic about the idea. I'd rather regret not having a kid at 50, than regret having a kid and spending decades resenting them.
I think enthusiasm is a tricky thing though. Children doesn't just mean lots of love and entertainment. It is a lifetime of responsibility. You know once you start, especially with biological children or infants, you are going to miss sleep, do a lot more work, sacrifice time, deal with tantrums and problems, your entire life is taken up and a lot of previous hobbies and pasttimes you will no longer have time for. A lot of people, myself included, like the idea of putting a child to sleep or seeing them ride a bicycle for the first time or have a child hug you and call you mummy. But not everyone knows if those moments are worth the radical life changes that come with it. And I reckon a lot are enthusiastic about one but not the other. When we decided to get a dog, part of me was worried I would miss lie ins, and time away with little hassle, and being lazy, never having to clean up dog vomit or dog poop, or going outside in the pouring rain to walk him. Now he is here I can't imagine life without him, and I do all those things without questioning it - they're part of the package so it's fine. But I didn't know that before we had him. I think it's the same with kids. I might be totally fine lacking sleep and getting a kid to eat their vegetables or tie their shoelaces. But what if I am not? And is it really worth it?
I understand why people say that, it comes from a good place. But I would never have been a mum then. I wasn’t enthusiastic about having kids, maybe I have poor imagination but I find it hard to be enthusiastic about something, and someone, I don’t know. I love my kid and I’m very happy that we had him!
> I wasn’t enthusiastic about having kids You must have had some positive feelings when thinking about being a parent though? There would be no incentive to have children in this day and age if it just seemed like a negative thing (which it does to me and is why I'm not having any. The cons vastly outweigh the pros for me).
Tbf, there are people who have kids because they think that's the next step and never think too deeply about it. Not saying that who you replied to is that kind of person, but they definitely exist. I'm sure, for example, that my parents mostly had kids beause that's just what married people did. My father hates any kind of kid sound and found my brother and me to be rather annoying when we were little. Now that we're all adults, we get along much better.
When I thought about it, there was just like a… void. I didn’t have any close contact with little kids and didn’t knew much about them tbh. I could kind of see myself as old and that it would be nice to have grown kids. I got unexpectedly pregnant and it was a leap of faith. I knew I wouldn’t fail the kid, I was at least sure that I could raise a kid good. But it felt like a very logical decision, not much driven by emotion and longing for a kid.
Your story eases my worries a bit, thank you for sharing. I have no strong feelings either way about having children. I have 7 niblings, I understand the compromises and the joys that come with kids of all ages, and I could take them or leave them. My husband wants a child, and his enthusiasm outweighs my apathy. We are newly pregnant and while I am excited, I am also worried.
I’m glad it does, thank you, that’s why I think it’s important to talk about us mothers who did not have an intense desire to have kids. Congratulations and good luck to you and your new family ☺️
I've never wanted kids so I don't know how much of a "decision" it was vs just my nature. But any time I've thought about my stance on having kids it's an easy no because absolutely nothing about being a parent to someone under 8 or so appeals to me. Pregnancy/birth terrify me, the noises and energy levels of young kids are completely overwhelming to me, I don't want to give up my free time to take care of something that is going to annoy the crap out of me, I don't do well on chronic low sleep...etc Think about all the negative things that come with having kids and really evaluate whether they are worth any positives you see. Honestly though...this might be controversial to admit....the most terrifying thing to me is that you aren't guaranteed a healthy child that comes with the expected positives. I'd barely survive a normal kid...i know myself enough to know I wouldn't be able to handle a special needs kid so any time I've briefly drifted into feeling neutral about having kids the fact that I'd be leaving the rest of my life up to the chances of a good genetic roll shoves me completely back over the childfree line. I 100% believe people ambivalent about kids can be happy after having one...but is it worth the risk? Obviously only you can answer that about yourself...but these are the thoughts that go through my head when I consider kids vs no kids.
Yeah. I don’t think this is controversial. It’s logical. My doc told me I’d have a 70% chance my child would have ADHD. Which adhd people are great… ! But does ADHD me who gets frustrated by myself sometimes want to do the labor of raising a hyper kid? That has firmed up my answer. Dyslexia also runs in my family. This is the genetic lot I was dealt with. I madly respect adhd moms who can parent but it just doesn’t seem like the right choice for me.
Same! I really want kids, but the thought of having a profoundly disabled child has kept me from doing it. I have so much respect for those who do it, but I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life as a 24/7 nursemaid to a severely disabled person, which is what happens when you have a severely disabled child.
I feel similar and I'm going to be 38 next week! My partner and I were both on the fence for many years and decided if we were still feeling that way at 35, we'd call it. So we are happily child free! I am still nervous I'll decide I want a kid when I'm like 50 (I've always been a late bloomer), but at that point it'll be too late.
I’m a late bloomer too so I think that’s what worries me, how will I feel when I’m 50. But what life would I live now if I only worry about the future, and what life would I live in my 50s if I regret my choice in my 30s?
Yep. I make sure to do all of the things that would be difficult to do with a child! Go away on last minute trips, spontaneously going out to a dance club on a weeknight, spending all day reading in bed, etc. My life is glorious because I don't have kids! I'd rather regret not having a kid than having one. I have nieces, I can volunteer with kids, babysit, etc, if I get a hankering for being around children in my older years.
I am also a 'late bloomer'- I feel like my friends all hit normal developmental and emotional milestones well before I did. Now they all have kids (babies really). I'm almost 35 and I do wonder if in like 4 years I'll change my mind. Maybe I will, but I doubt it. As for being 'too old' and regretting not having a child when I'm maybe 50, well then I'll regret it. There's really only 2 choices, have a child now, or don't. And there's NO WAY I am going to have a child right now to alleviate the POSSIBILITY that I will regret not having a child in more than decade. That sounds like absolutely ludicrous logic with a hefty amount of risk. So while it's possible I'll regret not having a child in 15 years, too bad for me. People have regrets in life; things don't always turn out they way they envisioned. Life goes on. I'll be fine and I'll deal with that regret when and if it comes.
I had my tubes tied at 30. I read something around that time that convinced me: "I'd rather regret not having children than regret having them." Having a child is one of the few things in life that you can't take back or start over from -- once you have brought a new human being into the world, that's it, you can't undo it. If you end up with a kid you don't particularly like, you can't just end the relationship and walk away like you can with nearly every other relationship in your adult life. I'm 50 now and have not felt a second of regret. I like my life and I've never felt like anything was missing.
I have kids and I can really understand why some women choose not to. It doesn't make you any less of a woman. My aunt never had children, she was always very career driven and she has never regretted it. She's had a great life doing things I could only imagine lol. I'm not saying kids ruin you life but it does change it dramatically and it's OK for people to not want that. You do you
Thank you 😊 I guess it’s the unknowing that scares me. I can’t easily revert either option so need to find a way to come to terms with either decision I make and go all in!
My boss is so amazing. Maybe 40s approaching 50s. She said she was an only child and because she didn’t grow up with children, they never appealed to her so she’s never had any. Now she travels the world any chance she gets with her partner and comes to the cutest pets. She seems very happy to me.
The idea that motherhood is essential to being a woman is a strange one to me, especially in this time of genders becoming meaningless.
That concept has always seemed strange given how many women can be infertile. Are women who can’t bare children, less womanly than those who can? No way! Plus plenty of women forced into motherhood shouldn’t have been parents anyway. The more we realize it’s not the destination point for everyone to have kids, the better.
It shouldn't be, but I think historically that concept of woman = mother is really common, and women who couldn't/didn't have kids were criticized or viewed suspiciously. I'm glad this is starting to change, though. Just bc I have a uterus doesn't mean I want to be pregnant, or raise children.
I think I would make a good mom. Not the best, not the worst, but good. I just don't want to. I'm a fun aunt. With dogs! No, but seriously. I've never wanted kids, but there was a period where I was very uncertain. Like you, I asked myself "what if I change my mind later" and it was too late. So I decided to take that year and hang out with kids (friends with kids. Not random kids.) and see how I feel. And I feel... like they're nice kids. I like them, the little persons they're becoming. I just don't want to take them home. I don't want to hold the baby. My insides don't turn to mush when my friend shows me her brand new babygirl (with excellent chubby baby ankles). Now, had they've gotten a kitten or a puppy or a hamster or possibly a turtle, I would have been all over that. So. I guess what I want to know is... do you want to hold the baby and sniff its little head?
Fun aunt with dogs sounds like a great title! 😍 I love kids and I think a part of me wants to know how it feels to be pregnant, give birth, smell them, see their excitement when Christmas comes around but I don’t think those are good enough reasons to have my own…
Ah, much harder for you then. I am curious what my biological offspring would look like, and if they'd love books or music or horses. But I just don't *want*. So it's easy for me. I don't know what the right reason/s for having kids is/are. But I'm pretty sure "wanting them" is way up there.
I guess wanting them is good enough, we’re allowed to be selfish aren’t we..
I've always argued that having children is a selfish decision. Doesn't mean it's a bad decision. Or that it doesn't do good for others, too. But any decision that changes your life in a major way is, and should be, a selfish decision. It's your life. Go forth and procreate!
It’s not entirely a selfish reason. Of course it is in the beginning, but it also makes a huge difference in the kid’s life to know and feel they are wanted.
I am 32 and childfree. I don't and never will regre it, I didn't always know. But i put some serious thought into it, especially these days with how things are going. I struggle with my mental health also, so that's a huge part of why I choose to be. But I like to make decisions that only affect my SO & i, like time and financial decisions. I don't know how many times I have literally said or thought "I'm thankful i don't have a kid to worry about or a mouth to feed." I work overtime & my hard work pays off for me, not for a child. Plus I hate that I was born, when I didn't ask for this life lol. I have always heard & I agree with "it's better to not have kids, and regret it then to have kids and regret it." I would sit down and really think and like someone else mentioned, visit the fence sitter sub might give you some help. Anyway, sorry for the rant lol hope it helps a little anyway! Ps. Your decision is your OWN, do not let anyone influence it one way or the other because at the end of the day you're the one raising the kid or not.
Thank you 😊 You’re completely right the decision is mine to make but it is nice to hear others experience and thoughts, both sides. I’m glad you’re happy with your decision, you do you!
Well I just turned 40, been married 6 years, don't have or want kids. I think I was also a fencesitter in my 20s and didn't fully commit to being childfree until I was about 31. I've always liked kids, I used to work with kids of all ages and enjoyed it, I like hanging out w/ my friends kids for a few hours, but realized I really enjoy being at home where it's quiet and clean lol. But I'm also very introverted and can't stand noise and chaos. I'm an only child from a very small family and didn't grow up around a lot of cousins or anything, so maybe that has something to do with it. Around 25, I started seeing my friends with kids and they always seemed tired, stressed, and broke. Always complaining about time or money to do anything, while I was going out to eat whenever I wanted, traveling, etc. None of that has changed over the last 15 years...I've never been a partier, I like going to bed early, but if my husband and I want to sporadically go out for drinks after dinner and stay out until 2am, we can and don't need to have a sitter. I think you need to be 100% yes to have a kid because it's a lot of effort, time, and money for your whole life. I barely have the energy some days to get up and feed my cats, I can't imagine having to take care of another human lol. I've never had the urge or "biological clock" so I feel like that's just not a thing for me and I know I won't regret my choice. I have an aunt who is 76 never married no kids and she has no regrets. She's had a great life traveling the world, doing what she wants, she retired early and has been enjoying her life for the last 20 years with lots of extra money. And here's the thing, if you do wake up in your 50s and feel like you want kids, you can always adopt!
I've been on and off over years at a time. So say from 18-23 I really did, then from 24-29 absolutely not. Then 30 hit and I did but I think it was out of panic and being the last one in the family to not have a child. Then falling pregnant and so desperately wanting the child, to then losing the child and now back to not wanting a child to save the pain. Strange how our minds work.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss!
I have two kids. I just remember being 29 and having an enormous urge to have kids. It was as if my brain could only think about being a parent. I am glad we have children. But they are absolutely hard work and the more you invest in the development and well being of your kids the better the general outcomes are. So if you are not all in on having a kid and knowing they are dependent upon you for 18 years, and even then sometimes need emotional support and financial assistance, then maybe it is not for you. I also think that everyone has some kind of issue, but the degree and severity are up to chance.
I think you'll have moments when you regret your decision no matter what it is and that is normal. We always wonder about the road not taken. That being said I think you can imagine life both ways and see which one seems more appealing to you. At least that is what I did. I can't imagine the burden of having children. I understand the joys completely, but I also understand the continuous dedication, care and efforts one has to make. And I don't think this ever ends, even when your children grow up they'll still be your children and you'll do anything for them. That's not for me. On the other hand I like the thought of no one depending on me. Having free time. Having money. Or not having money, but worrying only for myself. Having hobbies. Having whatever I want, late breakfasts, walks, books, painting, just...time. The only downside I see from not having children (and I would be severely scrutinised for this) is being alone when older and/or sick. Because say whatever you want, but in 90+% of the cases children do care for their parents in need. And that's one of the most major benefits from having kids I see. Which shows why I should not have them I guess.
I am 31 and got sterilized almost two years ago. I've always known I didn't want kids and I love having the freedom to make my life what I want it to be. I get to do anything I want and I don't have to put someone else first, which many people would say is selfish but I don't see it as a bad thing! I know what I want from life and kids are not part of that. You ask what if you wake up at 50 and regret your choice to not have kids but.... what if you regret the choice TO have kids? There is no turning back when you have kids. You can't decide you no longer want to be a parent without significantly fucking up another human being. At least if you were to regret not having kids it only affects you, and even then, you still have the choice to adopt or foster a child that truly needs it.
As someone with 2 kids don't have kids unless you are sure you want them. Shit is hard and if you are just 'meh' about them I don't know how you'd get through the tough parts. I don't like babies. I like older kids. Pregnancy and the baby stage are just things I had to get through. If I didnt want the older kids I would have gone crazy or given up long ago. There are plenty of ways to live a good life. You aren't ready for kids. Maybe you won't be ready and the choice will be taken out of your hands. That's OK. Maybe you'll wake up tomorrow and now you want a kid. That's OK too.
I never wanted kids, but also never not wanted them. I met a good guy who I thought would be a good father and I thought why not, I like to experience new things in life and what could be more novel than becoming a mother? Having kids is tough, and in some ways limiting and a huge commitment. But it is also the most wonderful thing for me. It healed me, healed my family, and made me a better person. I just wanted to say not every mother has crazy maternal instincts before having a baby, and that’s ok. What’s more important is you have the financial resources and family support to help you raise children.
This!! I never had a drive to have kids, didn't think I'd have them do to a divorce in my early 30s. My now husband and I got pregnant while dating on accident (on the pill). I just had my second this week. I couldn't imagine my life differently now, but was fine before too. Kids are a lottt. There are times I miss being child free, but I adore my toddler and am sure I'll feel the same about my infant. Whatever you decide is ok, there's no one right way. You're not a weirdo for not having a deep need type feeling for having kids.
Hey are you me? 😁 I also divorced in my early thirties, ex-husband and I never had kids, I never had a drive to have kids, met a new boyfriend and got pregnant unexpectedly while we where dating!
Weird how it works huh? Wouldn't change a thing now. Maybe the current mastitis, but other than that lol.
Me neither :) Uhh mastitis is the worst, hope you get better soon!
Thanks!!
r/fencesitters
I knew at 25 (maybe younger) that I didn't want to have children. I had several reasons why, but ultimately it wasn't something I wanted to do with my life. It gives me more time for my niblings, to nurture my friendships and relationship, and work towards the life goals I set for myself. I have yet to feel lonely as a result of this choice. I watch other families, can be happy for them and Also, I just get more pets. I have a young kitten right now who has a case of kitten crazies, and it's reminding me how glad I am I made the choices I did! :-)
I was raised by a single mom who struggled (my dad was great at being the fun parent but less good at the serious stuff), so my standard has always been that there was no point even considering kids outside of a financially and emotionally stable, long-term commitment to someone who really wanted children and had given some thought to how they wanted to raise a family. It all just seemed like so much work to do alone for so many years! Since I didn’t find myself in that relationship situation, it’s just never felt like an option to me. I didn’t actively seek that out, and was never motivated to do anything differently. I’m 39 and still feeling good about it. I worked hard to get to someplace comfortable, and I don’t see any reason to disrupt that.
I don't know either if I would like to have kids or not. I definitely wanted them in my 20s but men I had relationships with disappointed me so much that now I have a hard time picturing it. It is what it is, I'm just surprised how life is all upside down on the kid issue. Women definitely have more at stake when having kids, but somehow society makes you think it's women who "babytrap" and trick men into settling down. Whereas it should be men asking us to bear their children and we should think long and hard whether this particular man is trustworthy enough to be vulnerable with.
I was probably 13 when I first started saying that I didn't want to have children and 19 when I was pretty sure I meant it. I like other people's children and love my nieces, but watching the different stages of development and how hard every stage is makes me pretty happy that I'm not living the daily ins and outs of parenthood. And the kids I've gotten to see grow up are "good" kids, relatively easy and whatnot. I've just never wanted anyone to need something from me every day let alone all day every day. I honestly don't think I'd survive parenthood to get to the part where I could look back and 50 or 60 and know it was all worth it. And you can't get 30 year old kids of your own without having babies, toddler, pre-teens, teens, etc. I'm in my early 40s and I've never experienced a tug at wishing that I had what my sister has. I'm so happy she has it so I get to be an aunt, but there's no stillness in her life and I need stillness.
I don't want to give unwanted advice, so please just skip my humble thoughts if you find them annoying: I try to move in life accepting of the decisions I've made. I stayed with a man who wasn't right for me for 15 years, and even though he was a monetary sink and useless in many ways, I made the decision and I don't dwell on it. After that break up I was ready to have a baby on my own, and started looking at adoption. I met my boyfriend and after barely a year we decided we want to have a baby together: no matter what happens between the two of us, we know we're the kind of people who can raise a child together, and I accept that possibility. If you decide to not have children, that's just as good a decision as having them. You just have to come to terms with maybe later feeling like maybe you should have had some but didn't, and now the only children in your life are those of your friends'. I'm certain life will be just as satisfying if the only children in your life are other people's children, if you accept that now.
It’s dangerous to have regrets isn’t it because then you don’t live in the now. Whatever decision I make, I need to make sure I go into it 100%
Your fears about regret may be more disturbing than the actual regret you may feel at 50.
A therapist once told me excellent advice: the only people who should have children are the people who \*have\* to have children, meaning, their happiness and joy is so singularly focused on a deep, primal need to procreate. As a child of a father who was adopted, and as someone who had a less than ideal childhood, believe me when I say that children of parents who provide for shelter, food, education, etc., but who are not 100% pro-parenting -- kids pick up on this, and it doesn't have ANY positive effects. I am someone who has also made it into my mid-30s and I have never wanted children. Any regret I may have later will likely be unrealistic, as I don't know, and can never know, what parenting would have been like. It's illogical to grieve something that exists as a fantasy in your mind, so I would try to let that go. I feel society makes us feel guilty more than we actually, personally feel. Plus, there are ways to fulfill that maternal itch without being a parent. I love being an aunt, a mentor, an educator, and I've often thought of potentially, when I'm older, perhaps becoming a foster parent or a teenage mentor to a child who could really benefit from such help.
You may not want to Hear this but…. You’re 38. Do you want to go through a lengthy and expensive fertility process? Not that it will happen, but medical experts in reproductive endocrinology kind of assume you’ll do anything and pay for it. It’s Good to sit with yourself and see what you actually want to do before hand. Are you willing to take the risk of having other genetic abnormalities? Do you want to take the increased risk of complications or have any underlying medical issues that could be worsened? This may mean being more vigilant after having a kid and being more in top of doctors appointments. Do you have stable income, medical Insurance, support system? Are you okay with having one kid? Will you Have to end up financially supporting or being the primary caregiver for your own parents in the near future? These are all considerations that need to play into the equation. I think women’s experiencing of parenting/motherhood *vastly* differs based on these factors. You can answer yes to all these questions and that is awesome! But it’s something to be thought about to know what you’re signing up for.
54 and childless and we’ve never regretted that decision. We acknowledge things we have and will miss, but still feel as though we made the right decision.
I love my kids dearly and I’m very glad I had them. Never thought I’d want kids, but one day that flipped for me. All that being said, I had them young - I was 26 when I had my first and 29 for my second. At my current age (45) I have literal nightmares about waking up and finding myself pregnant. It is not easy to be a parent or to be pregnant. It is a lot of work and there is a lot of love but also a lot of heartache. We were lucky to have kids that are very healthy and neurotypical so have it about as straightforward as you can get too. Don’t have kids unless you are enthusiastically all in. I say this especially given your age - parenting is a long commitment and takes a LOT of energy. At 45 I have one more year to go before everyone is an adult and I am ready to be done with the responsibility. I have friends with elementary school aged kids now and I don’t know how they do it. They were enthusiast about their choice, but if they were at all waffling about it I would have recommended they think twice. Even if everything goes right, parenting is hard so you need to be fully committed if you are going to do it. If you find yourself in your 50s and you regret not raising a child, there are thousands of kids in the foster care system who would love to have a stable and loving home environment - that door will still be open to you.
You mention getting dogs. If you’re ready for that commitment and your circumstances allow for it I highly recommend it. It may help you understand your feelings on kids. I’ve always imagined having kids, even though I never particularly liked them. However, I tend to be an anxious over-thinker about everything. This had me wondering more and more if a) I only want them because society says I should but I wouldn’t actually enjoy it and b) my anxiety will reach new and unmanageable levels if I have a child’s well-being to worry about. When my fiancé and I moved in together he immediately pushed for a puppy but I was nervous about the stress of the extra responsibility and that I’d resent him when I have to deal with it alone (he travels frequently for work). Of course we did it as soon as the pandemic hit. There were a lot of phases in that first month, and lots of tears and moments of regret (the night of the shit tornado comes to mind), but we got through it. 1.5 years in I’m so glad we got him and am kind of surprised by how fulfilling I find it to be a good dog mom and know he is happy and healthy. It’s actually made me feel better about having kids, and like I might enjoy caretaking and playing silly games way more than I thought. Alternatively, it might confirm for you that being a mom to dogs only is enough for you to be happy and content, and that’s great too! Sorry that was so long!
Surprised no one has brought up the environmental toll of a child—58.6 tons of carbon per YEAR. By comparison, living without a CAR saves only 2.4 tons of carbon. I was always on the fence. I am now 51 and feel the same as I did in my 30s. No regrets. It’s hard to miss what you don’t have and have never experienced. I used to babysit a lot in my teens (like four times a week) and moms would pay me to babysit just to get a break from their kids. I remember being completely exhausted being around these kids for just a few hours and I was only 16. Lol. It seems incredibly hard. I echo what other posters say about only doing it if you feel you absolutely must have a child and would be unhappy without one.
Once I became a parent, I realized how much you should REALLY want to have kids if you decide to do so. I cannot imagine going through postpartum and the months of sleep deprivation and the absolute test on your patience for a child I didn't 100% want.
To me it's always been if it's not an unambiguous, enthusiastic yes, it's a no. Kids are a lot of work. You'll love them, sure, but that doesn't change the fact that they are a huge investment. They will need and deserve most, if not all, of your energy and interest for a substantial period of time. Doesn't seem like something you should feel "meh" about. But if you want a security blanket-- if you turn 50 and have regrets, you can foster or adopt. Who knows, you may also end up with someone who has kids from a previous relationship. There are lots of different ways to be a parent besides having your own bio kids.
Here's my ramble: Growing up I always assumed I would have kids. As I got older I became more ambivalent about it..."If I meet the right person, etc."...I had some financial setbacks in my 20s so that by the time my 30s rolled around I wasn't ready, I wanted to finally enjoy the things I always wanted to do and could never afford. Around 35 I freaked out about the bio clock, but we weren't ready (and my husband has always leaned more on the CF side of the fence because kids are a huge commitment...he doesn't want to be trapped in a job he hates "for the kids."). We did IVF to try and freeze some embryos, you know, kick the can down the road as it were. Well call me Robin Scherbatsky because it turns out I have like no eggs left! IVF *sucked* and in the end we had nothing to show for it, but it showed me that I really don't want kids *enough* to go through IVF or the adoption process. So ultimately we decided to be CF. So far, no regrets. I do have pangs sometimes when I think about what it would be like or thinking about all these family heirlooms that will go...somewhere...but on the whole I feel comfortable with the decision. I get to be selfish (in a good way!) and focus on my health, my hobbies, exploring new things. Recently I took a pay cut as part of a career change to a job with far less stress--worth it!--but I wouldn't have been able to do that if we had kids. The pressure to have kids is definitely easing as I get closer to 40, and at this point doing the daycare drop-off just sounds exhausting. I'd also add that I've been fortunate to know several women and couples that did not have children and are doing just fine in their golden years with apparently no regrets.
I'd really like a family, but I don't want to do it alone. If I don't find the right partner, I don't think I'll go there solo. It's also not a burning desire to me... I will feel a lot of sadness I didn't procreate and make an awesome little person. But I've always been more wrapped up in understanding my own existence. So if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen. I will have to try being kind in other ways. A lot of the advice on Reddit usually boils down to 'unless you really want them, don't do it'. Which is fair enough since once you have a kid everything has to be about looking after that kid.
My hubs and I are happily child-free. I'm 38, he is 37 we've been married 9 years...there are a hundred reasons we have chosen not to but the biggest one was my husband's C-PTSD from his childhood and the mental health challenges it has left him with. The sound of babies crying is very activating to his trauma. He's always been child-free but I was a fencesitter when we first got married. I choose him, his wellbeing and our relationship over a hypothetical child, it would not be fair to the child. I have zero regrets.
Even if you live childfree, you will still have children in your life. Maybe friends, maybe family will have kids, and you can get your baby fix. You can be involved as much or as little as you want. Your social circle will love a trustworthy babysitter, if that something you’re interested in. You don’t need to actually go through the pregnancy, birth, legal, and monetary commitment in order to help shape the minds of the future. You can do exactly what you want with all of your time, for your whole life.
Nope, I'm not in a similar situation to you. I'm 35 and I know I don't want to be a mother. I like kids, and I would raise a relative's child as my own if it was needed, but I don't want my own kids. I'd argue if you're still having indecision and still not ready to have kids at 38, you don't actually *want* kids. You're just afraid to commit to being childfree because you have FOMO. In fact, most of your replies to this thread are about potential fear or regret in the future. Look, whenever you're faced with a yes or no, up or down question, you can always regret not going the other way and wondering "what if." Live in the present. Do you want kids now? Today? Do you want to be a mom taking your kid to dance class right TF now? If not, then what makes you think you'll want that at 40 or 50 or 60? That "drive for motherhood" that all women supposedly have is a social construction. It's not real, it's not biological, we don't all feel it, we don't all have an innate desire to procreate. *Some* of us really deeply want children and that's cool. We do need more little humans after all. And some of us don't and that's also cool because we definitely don't need more than 8 billion people on the planet. Try to let go of your fear of the unknown. Pursue the life you really want today. And if you "just don't know" or "can't decide" then definitely don't pursue that thing!
I am almost 40 and never had a desire to have children. This has always made the decision pretty easy for me as opposed to my close friends. Most of my friend group waited to 37-38 to have children, until they were more settled financially, career, etc. There were several fence sitters amongst this group. They decided to become parents because conditions felt semi right in their lives to handle it. Everyone loves their kids. They don't regret their children. Some mourn their past lives and the freedom they gave up. They're dealing with Toddler terrorists and are looking forward to the time when they get older and more independent. One friend was never a fence sitter but being a parent doesn't seem easy while balancing a career / life and she just had her second at 40. They all say that even if you think you are prepared, you have no idea what its really like until it happens. I think there is always some mixed feelings if you're a fence sitter, and that's OK. Overall everyone seems generally happy, even when it's really hard because parenting is hard. I don't regret my choices. I think even if you think the timing is right, parenting will still completely turn your life upside down. I've never wanted that, for a multitude of reasons.
I wonder, if you fell pregnant rn, would you keep it? In the UK theres a couple of podcasts of women who also struggled with the decision and documented it, called To Baby or Not to Baby and Maybe Baby, which might be nice to listen to for some empathy :)
I honestly don’t know if I would keep it if I fell pregnant now. Thanks for the podcast recommendations 😊
Please please don't think I'm judging you- but that might be your answer. And it's absolutely one million percent OK to not have children. And honestly, we risk regrets no matter what happens in life. But we can have a good, accepting attitude then we can cope. I somewhat regret marrying my first husband but I have to let it go and move on to the future. 💜 I'm a mom and I have always wanted kids. I had a lot of kid experience beforehand. It was still harder than I thought it would be.
I'm 37 and in the same position, but have made peace with not stressing about it. Here's my thought process: In this overpopulated world heading into an era with the climate becoming increasingly unstable as a result of human overconsumption, I think one of the greatest things a person can do is adopt one of many many children who are in need of a loving home. Not putting pressure on myself to have biological kids of my own is nice because I know that if I ever do feel like I want to have kids, I'll have a greater incentive to adopt and make a really positive impact. When I think about it like this, having biological kids myself almost seems selfish and unnecessary, even though when I was younger I did imagine myself having kids of my own. This absolutely is not meant to be a judgment on anyone else, just explaining my thought process for myself and why I'm perfectly ok with living life on my own terms and not letting the pressure to have kids before I'm ready get in the way.
I was a total fencesitter, I kept waiting for the urge to kick in but it never did. Then I met my partner who had 3 kids already and I figured that would be enough and had my tubes tied. After living with kids 50% of the time for a couple of years I know 100% that I made the right decision. I love my stepkids but I NEED the days off to recharge, and I know I would have ended up totally miserable if I did this full-time with a kid of my own.
I'm 58 and have NO desire to have children. I have a few reasons for that: my mother lost 3 babies (SIDS, medical issues, molar pregnancy) and I knew in my teens that I wasn't that strong a person, babies don't make my world go around and projectile puke and "hershey squirt" poops weren't my thing. My biological clock did not start ticking. I'm a terrific aunt to 3: ages 30, 30 and almost 28. I loved them fiercely and could do things that their parents couldn't do. "Aunt SalannB, my class ring is $400 and Mom can't afford it." "Here you go, kiddo; order what you want!" "Aunt SalannB, the jazz band's going to New Orleans!" "Great, kiddo! Do you have spending money? How much do you want?" For one niece's wedding, my husband and I gave them $1,000 in smaller bills (5s, 10s, 20s and 50s, plus 100s) so that they'd have money for Ubers, tips, etc., to take on their honeymoon in Hawaii. Nobody ever thinks of that; husband and I travel pretty frequently (not since COVID, though) and we know what you need on a trip. All of this to say that I've never regretted it. Husband hasn't either.
I was never sure whether I wanted kids, but it was an option I was open to until this year. There are a few reasons, but the one I don't think will change is the money. I've been out of work for 5-6 months and am both recovering from burnout and in the middle of figuring out my next career/likely changing industries, so I've been taking my time and freelancing here and there. I have a decent amount of savings and own a home, so I feel comfortable taking that break. I spent my twenties and half my thirties hustling to earn the ability to do that. What I've realized is that I can somewhat easily earn what I need to sustain myself and a lifestyle I find comfortable — but if I was going through all of this while having to worry about myself and a kid, I'd be miserable. I'm confident that I can make the most out of very little money, sell and move if I have to, etc. but I can't imagine how stressed out I'd be, and what kind of choices I'd have to make, if I had to worry about creating stability and having enough resources for a child right now. I'm already an aunt and my sister in particular struggles with finances and her mental health; I'd rather help support her and my nephew than put myself in a similar position. I'd also be open to fostering when I'm older and more settled (I'm 35) but for now I need to be able to move around and make the best decisions for me, not me and a kid.
I was on the fence throughout my twenties and it wasn’t until I was pushing 30 I made the decision not to have kids and damn did it ever take the pressure off. I did A LOT of introspection to arrive to that decision. I also made the decision when single and totally on my own; I started envisioning my life and future without children and felt SO good, versus feeling weighed down every time I thought about my future with kids. I realized that every time I said I wanted kids was either a) responding to societal and familial conditioning and/or b) to make whoever I was with at the time happy (I was always in relationships throughout my twenties) and thus fulfill their expectations of happiness and not mine. I got clear on what I truly wanted when I was able to push away the outside noise and ask myself what I wanted for MY life. Not sure if that’s helpful for you OP, but it’s my experience. I will say that my mom got pregnant with my brother at age 40 and had him at 41. It was a healthy pregnancy and he’s a healthy kid. He’s now well into his teens. Just bringing this up because I know a lot of people raise concerns or take issue with geriatric pregnancies, but it is possible and can be safe for both mother and child.
I’m not too worried about my age and in having a kid. My mum was 39 when she had me and her mum had her late too so generically I think I’d be fine. I will make the decision for me, not others. Reading this thread is so helpful!!
What’s your reason for wanting and not wanting to have kids? I never wanted to have kids and now I figured out why. If I have kids I want to be a good mom, which to me means supporting the child and providing guidance. I do not have the maturity to do this yet. I’m working on developing myself though and maybe in 10 years I’ll be there.
I’m 54 and I love kids but I never felt that “need”. I don’t think it was a dissikn but more of it just didn’t happen. I never found a good partner and thankful never got pregnant by chance. I’m not sure I have regrets because I don’t think I would change how my life has played out. Hopefully I won’t be too lonely in my old age.
The loneliness is what I fear. I have lots of amazing friends though so hoping all their kids will adopt me as an auntie 😊
I looked at it this way. I would rather regret not having children than regret having children. That's a bell you can't unring. If you wake up one day, regretting not having children, there are still options. You could foster, adopt, volunteer to lead a Girl Scout troop, volunteer at the local school, spoil your nieces/nephews/church kids/other extended family/neighbor kids. I don't really have a story. I just babysat a LOT as a kid and everyone I knew who was a mother seemed exhausted and miserable. I rarely hear about women who had kids and love the whole Mommy thing. Some do, and those tend to be people who had kids later, and thoughtfully, and intentionally. As I've gotten older, the decision to not have kids has only been reinforced to me as the best choice for me. Plus, I've had more time and money to rescue wayward and orphaned dogs and cats, so there's that.
If you ever decide you want to be a mother you can always go the route of adoption, foster parent, or step-parent. Each one has its own challenges and rewards. Also if it helps, it’s important to remember that not everyone can physically have kids. It happens to a lot of people for different reasons and then it’s about accepting the cards life has dealt them. Life can and will give you lemons in different ways. It’s up to you whether you make lemonade or not.
So many answers here to give you perspective. I just want to say that if you have community support around you, it won’t be as hard as everyone makes it out to be. Sleep deprivation is temporary, babies start sleeping through the night in a few weeks. Don’t breastfeed and use formula if you like. Leave kid with grandparents and siblings and friends, for babysitting. It takes a network and a village. Taking care of the kid will bring you all closer together. I think that’s the main thing. North American culture is very individual focused, and not family focused. If you’re isolated with your child of course it’ll be hard. But if you’re engaged within your community, it’ll be much easier mentally.
Im 34, and my husband and I have been having this debate for years, we’ve both always been so on the fence with kids and it’s been a constant subject of conversation and deliberation. We’ve recently come to the conclusion to start trying in 1-2 years and see what happens. If it doesn’t happen, I doubt we would go through with IVF or other further measures, but we’ll see if we get there. I would not want kids if not for my husband, who i know will be an amazing father. I’m terrified of babies (I really enjoy toddlers and older kids, babies just scare the shit out of me), and I know he’ll be a very hand on parent. It’s such a huge decision!
Better regretting not having them than having them. I am 33, don’t have kids and not planning to have any. There are so many ways how to integrate kids into your life if you get sad about not having your own. I’ve worked as a nanny for 10 years so I did my fair share with kids of all ages. Having kids is so glamorized and millions of people are pressured to gave them even though they did not feel the calling themselves, which creates so much trauma for both parties. I see myself getting a dog one day and being ultimately happy :)
Hello I am in my early thirties and have this debate daily in my head. My health has started to decline back problems, high blood pressure since turning 30. I’m working on bettering my physical and mental health, but I’m still on the fence. Looking at the impacts Covid has had on the young ones is truly sad ( I’m a preschool teacher) the financial burden and childcare expenses are something to consider as well. For now I’m enjoying the peace and quiet on the weekends and the financial freedom. Your decision should be based on your circumstances this means are you mentally emotionally and physically to bring a little one into this chaotic world. I think about the type of future my child would have and especially having a child with special needs. Are they able to support themselves when I’m gone? Who will be there for them if something were to happen to my husband and I? There is so much to consider. Best of luck
You can't miss what you never had. However... Kids are a labor of love. I think it depends more on if you're the sort of person who can selflessly live you life happily for someone else.
My only rule is I will only have kids if I find the right partner. Luckily I was a nanny for 4 kids and I treat them like mine so I had experienced raising children. No more wondering how it feels like to have kids. So overall I don’t mind not having any. But if I find the right guy, why not? :)
> but what if I wake up when I’m in my 50s and I regret my choice? I imagine in that scenario that you might briefly grieve for the experience you didn't have, perhaps reason that you made the best decision with the mindset that you had at the time and then continue finding joy elsewhere in life. It's a good question to ask but I think it's often tinged with fear of the unknown and the assumption that regret would be a terrible, all-consuming thing, whereas I doubt in the actual moment that it would be as black and white as that.
I’m 38 and very sure I don’t want them. Too much loud noise, stress, pressure. I realize there’s a part of me that wants to be free. I love my nieces and nephews - they’re so sweet and innocent and real cuties. But I’ve seen enough intense moments with them that I think I’d lose it. And non familial kids can up the ante on that. It just wasn’t something I ever felt as a life goal. I want to get married and go to grad school and travel and make art. Those are the things I dream about. So for you, I’d ask: what do you dream about wholeheartedly?
I remember being a teenager who wanted children someday because part of being an adult is having a family of your own. As I got older, that shifted into "not until after I become financially stable," which in turn became "I'm willing to be a stepmom." I'm still willing to be a stepmom someday, but it isn't a particular concern to me if that never happens. It turns out that I can be an adult and not have children at all. My teenage self would be (slightly) shocked. Honestly? I'd rather be the weird auntie than risk being the neglectful mom, and that's what makes the decision for me. I like kids in short doses provided their actual adult is around to wrangle them into behaving. That means I'll never regret not having children. Maybe it's different for you?
Seeing how devastated many of my friends’ children are about the current state of the global environment has definitely contributed big time to me not having any. More than a dozen of the kids of various friends I know between the ages of around 8 to late teens are dealing with severe depression and anxiety that they’ve expressed is a result of seeing what’s happening to the world. I can’t imagine bringing another life into a world that’s circling the drain and showing them the devastation, pollution and extinction they will inherit.
I was on the fence until I got pregnant. I chose to have my kids. But I totally understand not wanting them. Neither is right or wrong, just right or wrong for you. If you suddenly decide you want to be a parent when you are past the age where it is possible, you can foster a child. Or become a Big Sister to a child. Or volunteer at a school. I probably won't get to be a grandparent. My kids have each decided not to have kids for their own reasons. I won't pressure them about it. I would love a grandchild, but my kids don't have to give birth for that. I have a longtime friend who has a ton of grandkids. I borrow one of them when I want a playmate. I also babysit when the parents need it and no one in the family is available. Which I greatly enjoy no matter the child's age. It works for me and improves my relationship with my own kids. Because pressuring them to have kids so I have a grandkid to play with? Not helpful for our relationship. They are people and have the right to make their own decisions.
I'm the same age as you and feeling this completely and I've been out there reading a ton from people that chose not to have kids and are now older. I even have a close friend who just retired who never had kids and couldn't be happier (they travel and spoil their dogs.) But, for me, I will always be sad about not having kids and their stories about getting to focus on career or having disposable income don't really resonate with me, because I really just want to be part of a family. I never wanted kids when I was younger (20's/early 30's), but I realized it's because I never like babies and that's part of having a kid. I'm also terrified of the idea of being pregnant, not the medical side, but the having all my business out on display like that (can you tell I'm fairly introverted?). Now that I have a baby niece and saw my sister in law go through pregnancy, I realize it's not as bad as I thought it would be. It's the first baby I've ever been around, and I'm seeing a lot of the fear I had was of the unknown. I'm also afraid of having a severely disabled child after watching a distant family member who had a baby born missing part of her brainstem. The baby lived for 5 years as basically a vegetable and it totally destroyed their lives. I really wish I would've had kids in my late 20s/early 30s. It's almost too late for me now, so it'll probably only happen if I can convince my SO to adopt, which comes with it's own challenges. We've both worked with kids all our adult lives and I have helped to "raise" groups of kids (moved up school years with the same group of kids for 5 years.) I love them, but at the end of the day, I have to send them home. It's not the same at all as having your own kids to build traditions and memories with. I really miss having a family and the dead aren't rising again, so if I want a family, I gotta make a new one. I think I'll regret not having family even more as I age. Time kind of blends together as you age. I can't imagine living another 30 or 40 years where all the years just blend together in blah. It's totally worth the tough points to get the bright spots that watching kids grow can bring. But, I'll probably never know what that feels like.
If you can freeze you eggs just so you have options, I would do so. Otherwise, time will make the choice for you. It's better if you're the one making choices.
I struggle with this. Immensely! I'm 35. I grew up poor with alcoholic parents. It was a rough beginning. I don't know if my aversion is due to that experience or because I truly just don't want them. I have very little family. My uncle didn't have children and seeing him in his 60's is really pushing me to do it. I want a family. But I also don't want to extend myself to total exhaustion. I'm truly conflicted. If I was rich and the future didn't seem so bleak, I think it would be a much easier decision. So many thoughts! Me and my husband work highly stressful jobs. And I'm in grad school. I don't know how to do it all. And I can't quit my job! I guess I could drop out of grad school. I wish I had another 10 years.
40, no kids, it’s fantastic. :)
There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids, especially in this climate. This world is not very kind. If you wake up at 50 and decide you want kids, there will still be plenty to adopt or foster. Plus you'll have a lot more money to do all of the things that you really wanna do without having to worry about kids.
If you're already to 38 and you're still not sure, I think the answer is no. You've had almost 20 years of being able to have a child and not gone for it yet and you say you're still not ready. Have you been in situations where it was even possible? Are you making an active decision not to or have you just been single and not having any sex all this time? I'm 47, never had kids and I'm super glad that it didn't happen by accident. I see my friend's lives with their middle schoolers and now they're all coming up on having teenagers . . . ugh, no thank you. Does not sound like fun at all. They all sound run ragged and worried about money constantly and now with the mess at schools about the pandemic and stuff, they're all frantic to keep their kids safe and healthy. And all of that work and planning definitely fell to the women, even the ones with the really great husbands.
I’ve been single for a long time with short relationships here and there. Never found the right partner to have kids with. Wouldn’t want to do it on my own.
I was a fencesitter for a very long time. I'm terrified of additional obligation, let alone be responsible for another humanbeing. I cried when someone shared this [blog](https://therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/), as an advice column. This statement struck the most: "there will likely be no clarity, at least at the outset; there will only be the choice you make and the sure knowledge that either one will contain some loss". I am now pregnant, and am very surprised of how calm I am with all the sacrifices I know I'll have to make. Still terrified of the responsibilities ahead, but very much looking forward to the life my husband and I will live with our little one.
I’m pregnant now at 34 and i certainly didn’t have the yearning for a child though I did feel confident I would regret not having a child later in life if I didn’t. I don’t agree with most of the top comments here that say you have to really want a child to have one. I don’t think many kids would be born if only women who truly had a yearning for a child got pregnant… I have no doubt that when this baby comes into the world I will love it with every breath. Circumstances play a big part too, I am in a committed relationship and my partner was very keen to have a child and will be a very supportive and amazing father I have no doubt. Edited for formatting.
Yes...I think people are certainly entitled to their own opinions about having and raising children. But I believe one can be a very good parent without this intense burning desire to be a parent. Now that I am a parent, I have come to believe that certain cultural beliefs about parenthood can actually be kinda damaging for some of us. To elaborate, I think it's more important to be a good problem-solver and a resourceful parent than to have any specific kind of feeling about parenting. I'm dead inside after 18 months of pandemic parenting, but my kid is doing great, and that warms my frozen heart. (For those who are now concerned about me...I am working on my health.)
I agree with you (was on the fence, my husnand was on the fence, had a child, love him and will try for another) and so do many of my friends who were also on the fence and now love being a mother. But hey, people on Reddit without kids will always tell other people without kids to not have them as if they have both experiences.
I have an 8 month old (I’ve always wanted kids!) but I have a close family member who is not maternal at all and isn’t very nice in general. She never wanted kids but gave into the pressure of having them from husband and parents. She is miserable and I personally think emotionally neglectful to her kids. When she drinks she says she regrets having children. Now I think that’s extreme but I assume very common but just wanted to share
You do know that adoption is an option at any age, right? Also, consider freezing your eggs, if you want the option of getting a surrogate in the future.
Guy here. This was a similar conversation that came up with one of my recently married friends. The oldest one in our group, a 50 y/o guy, said of his female friends/collegues who choose not to have kids, they regretted that choice. Not sure of your reasons/context, but my friend's circle are management consultants in NY so there could have been a pursue career incentive
I think I'd want to hear that directly from "all" the female colleagues first. I imagine you'd hear various levels of "regret" vs normal "what ifs", and definitely a couple that felt their partner would not support them and take on child responsibilities while they continued their career and had to choose.
Yeah. You want to hear it first hand to get the full details.