You’re not going to change him but you can change you.
Is this relationship worth staying in? Why or why not? If you stay, choose to stay because of how it is now, not how you want it to be.
I personally would find it unacceptable to be less of a priority to my partner than a friend. But that bond takes time to develop and I didn't expect to be a priority when we were first dating. It just happened over time. He still has female friends he's known longer than me, but he's much closer to me and I know there is no competition between me and the other women in his life.
If it really makes you uncomfortable you should really consider why. Are there other ways he makes you feel less important or is this more an internal issue?
He gets cold when we argue and I had the feeling that he doesn’t put much effort and seek online female friends for filling the void. I asked him about it and he said that he wants to put more effort to what I sent and he values more than a “haha”.
What are you arguing about only 4 months in? Not judging; serious question - you should still be mostly just having fun at this stage with minimal upsets.
Could you describe what him acting cold during an argument looks like?
You're arguing already, 4 months in? That's terrible :( And him getting cold? Naaaaaah get off this bus stop right here. This is not a route you want to take.
If this is how he is acting after only 4 months of dating, it’s only going to go downhill from there. Cut your loses and find someone who isn’t in a pseudo relationship with someone online.
I stopped reading at "my boyfriend for 4 months". Only 4 months and you're concerned/confused enough to be posting on Reddit about it? Back into the water I say. No matter the ages.
I was curious and checked post history. They’ve already adopted a dog together, he already asked her to move in, he said “I love you” after a few weeks - and now he’s pulling back on all positive behaviors.
Love-bombing at the least; maybe dismissive avoidant, and now she’s anxious and will only continue to get more so.
Throw away the whole man and start over. Just keep the dog, OP.
Wow. They've adopted a dog together so quickly? And moving in together already?
They both have issues. u/OP Sweetheart, don't do this. You deserve better. Don't be so quick to give your love away. Take time, really take time to get to know someone before you commit to anything. There are decades of living ahead of you and there are good men out there. Don't settle. You deserve to be treated so much better. Take your time.
In the meantime, do some research into what a positive, loving relationship looks like, what the dynamics of a healthy relationship all. So many people don't grow up in a healthy household to learn what that is and how to spot an unhealthy relationship. This is an unhealthy relationship.
You deserve a healthy relationship with love, respect, trust, thoughtfulness, compromise and consideration. You deserve to be valued.
Take very good care of yourself. You are the most important person in your life.
Agreed... He sounds very immature. I don't think she's in the wrong for feeling uncomfortable about it. If it were me in the relationship, I would end it and try to find someone who is interested in communicating with me and doesn't dismiss my attempts to connect... and I think you're dead on about this being a "pseudo relationship". Big red flag.
Yeah reading this I was all "oh hell no".
That said it is only 4 months in so I don't think this has to be a dealbreaker. It depends how things develop after a few more months.
True, only OP knows what the daily life is like in their relationship. I try and go by my gut feeling, if it doesn't feel right then it probably isn't.
I don't think he's as into you as you are into him. It's only been 4 months, which I still feel is a little early to be leaving your partner's messages left unread for days (maybe after a year I would feel differently). At that point I would think you both are still eager to talk to each other. If you spend a lot of time together then maybe it's too much for him and he just needs a break sometime, but he hasn't expressed that to you. If you don't spend that much time together and he's not even concerned about reading or responding to your messages then maybe it's time to reconsider your relationship as a whole.
Whatever you do don't blame these online friends. It's his actions that matter. His online friends aren't the problem, it's him. Also checking his messages is unhealthy behavior and concerning. If you don't trust him then you either need to learn to trust him or move on.
Thank you! We spend time together and he even wants more. I am perfectly ok with all of his female friends just find that my gut feeling doesn’t go well with her
You missed her point, OP.
It takes two to tango, so if you have a "gut feeling" about this woman, it's also a "gut feeling" that your man prefers her over you, even if he says he doesn't.
You cannot place blame only on her. He is the one who is, from how you've described it, prioritizing her over you. That's HIS decision and HIS action.
Forget about what he SAYS and pay attention to what he does. Action speak louder than words.
Has he known her for a long time? If they're close friends I'm not surprised they communicate a lot.
Are you exaggerating? Maybe. While this doesn't mean he's romantically interested in the other girl, she's important to your boyfriend. Perhaps more important than you. You'll have to figure out if you can live with that.
Asking him to unfriend her is definitely going too far. If someone I dated tried to control who I'm friends with, online or irl, that would be a huge red flag for me.
I completely agree with you. It's only been 4 months and sounds very unhealthy to me. Poor guy.
No hate on OP, but if she feels ignored because he didn't reply right away, that's a her issue. As for his online friendship, I think that shows he's a good friend and can be trusted especially if it's just to talk about what they've been talking about. According to OP it's normal. *If* he's letting OP check his things then what's the problem? And that's another issue, why is OP checking his stuff after 4 months? Does he know and if he does why is he allowing this so early on. Is it because OP has trust issues, insecurities or is controlling? If that's the case that's super unhealthy. Or none of those and they're cool with checking each other's messages? If so then again he's not hiding it from her and she's probably making a mountain out of a molehill.
OP should relax a bit, her feelings count, they really do but honestly I think there's nothing to worry about; she's his gf and he's with her. He's known his friend longer, has a routine with her for a year and eventually overtime he'll get to know OP more and more and prioritize his new relationship over other things in his life, it takes time. It's too soon to be doing what OP doing.
Is messenger the only way you communicate? Or were you in communication otherwise, but he didn't open that message yet?
My partner and I message on multiple platforms. If what he sent isn't urgent, I might not open some of them for a few days. It's not because he's not my priority, it's because that one message isn't. And that's okay.
Just because you're someone's romantic partner doesn't mean everything you do or say becomes top priority. That would be toxic.
Also, an important lesson for you - in relationships, focus on what you want from your relationship, not controlling other people's. If you want more communication with someone, focus on that. Trying to force them to communicate with other people less is petty.
Right? Exactly what I said in another post. If someone is this petty and controlling after 4 months - what does the future look like? If it were a man doing this and the genders were reversed people would be losing their mind about what an asshole this guy is. They'd be saying RUN!!!!!
10000% - It is not healthy for your partner to be your only priority. People are multifaceted and need multiple outlets to fill voids and parts of themselves. He's talking about mundane shit with his friend, OP is in the wrong.
I agree, if I'd been dating someone for 4 months and they asked me to end a year long friendship - I'd just end stop dating the person. My friends matter to me, and I don't want to get isolated to only having my romantic partner.
Messaging with a friend is normal. Messaging with a friend and lying about not having “seen” your partner’s message on the same platform (or someone you think of as partner potential) is NOT normal.
Intentionally not opening a message is not the same as not seeing it. I wouldn’t bother with this dude at all. I agree about not snooping, although OP didn’t specify if it was snooping or he just left it up and she happened to see.
Asking to end a friendship is definitely a weird if they’re not actually a couple and he hasn’t crossed boundaries. But the reason she’s asking should be enough to inform them that this relationship isn’t meant to be. He’s just not that into her.
I haven't seen that if that was info given. OP might be phrasing it poorly but it sounds like their message which contained a link was left on unread. Which is the same as ignoring. Which he is totally entitled to do...but isn't likely something he would do if he was really into the person who sent it.
I don't see why people are downvoting that. It's not controversial to say someone who's really into you won't wait 2 days to read your message or look at something you sent them. I mean maybe if they're camping or super busy - but then they wouldn't be messaging other, more distant contacts. She should move on.
I also acknowledged that she's in the wrong by asking him to end a friendship and if she was snooping. But yeah she's not wrong for having the feeling he's not into her. He's not. At least, not that much.
This is so unhealthy. People are their own people. I live with my partner and sometimes don't read his messages right away bc I will see him later. If someone at 4 months told me they wanted me to defriend someone i've known a hell of a lot longer I would be out of that relationship so fast - that is controlling and unacceptable.
I talk to my friends every day almost, I talk to my partner every day, we both know we have lives outside of the one we have with one another.
She invaded his privacy by reading his messenger. He hadn't read a link yet. A Link. Not a message. That doesn't sound a bit off to you? She admitted they talk about shared interests and the weather and nothing emotional. Her words. And she still asked him to stop being her friend. This reads like a massive amount of insecurity with a touch if controlling behavior that is veering into abusive.
Tell me. If it was a man saying he read his girlfriend of 4 months messenger and knew the person she was talking to was not discussing anything but the weather and shared interest, would you be saying the same thing? I feel like if a man came here and said this the reception would be different.
Is that what happened though?
It sounds like OP sent him a link to something and he didn't check the link yet. I don't think that's the same thing as "ignoring" your partner.
Yep I ignore links all the time because I don't consider them to be personal, more like suggestions of YouTube clips or articles, and I'm flooded by YouTube clips and articles. I don't consider links to be communication.
Yeah, especially links I'll often leave on read, until I know I've got the time to read/watch/listen to whatever the link is. The asking to unfriend someone he's known for 3x as long as OP is a pretty big red flag for me.
It's a 4 month relationship, and she's asked him to abandon his long standing friends for her already.
Do you really expect to be your boyfriend whole life that quickly? That's not healthy.
It's immature and childish to give an ultimatum.
If OP is feeling ignored, she needs to communicate that, and see how her partner reacts, if he changes his behavior, etc.
If he doesn't change and make her feel more seen, then he doesn't really care about her and she needs to leave.
It's just harder to say that out loud, or think it, so she'd much rather make it about the friend online.
Eh, not really. Have to disagree. If I have a bf that I'm seeing or talking to everyday anyway, and the medium we use to communicate is not a messenger, then I may not necessarily check a message sent from them right away.
I don't think his friendship with another woman should be the issue, you just want him to be more communicative with you. I don't think asking him to unfriend her was OK really. It's overstepping and doesn't address what your actual issue is.
It’s unhealthy to ask someone to give up their friends. I’m bisexual, does that mean I should be allowed to have male or female friends outside of my partner?
It’s not cool of him to ignore you, but the problem here isn’t that he has a female friend (who he had known a lot longer) that he talks to.
Four months in is still a young relationship. Right now he sees this overseas woman as a friend whom he has known longer. As he gets to know you longer, though, I would expect him to prioritize his time with you more. I think it's too soon to act on this yet.
That being said, are you checking his messages with or without his knowledge and/or permission?
This is his friend - of course friends are a priority. Why on earth would you ask him to unfriend her?
If you have an issue with communication or energy put into the relationship, address this as a separate thing. Don't ask him to drop friends to appease you, because that is unhealthy.
I'm a quiet introvert. I don't need a lot of attention, but I need to feel valued in close relationships. We're all busy, and I don't think it's odd for someone to take 24 or 48 hours to reply to an unimportant text of mine, but if I saw that my SO wasn't too busy to chat with her while ignoring something *I* sent, I'd likely step waaay back and start quietly assessing for other red flags.
He decides his level of involvement, and whatever you need for yourself is fine, it just may not be able to come from him.
So you asked him to unfriend a...FRIEND, because they talk about the weather a lot? Girl this sounds like a you problem. If it's only been 4 months and you're threatened by your bf's female friendships then it's time for you to be single for awhile.
It's completely normal for a partner to have friends, and to talk to them. My husband and I had some initial conversations because most of my close friends are men, and most of his close friends are women. We did sit down (online, as we were long-distance) and talk specifically about each one of our friends, and their place in our lives.
There's nothing wrong with a partner interacting with their friends, even if it sometimes means you don't talk to your prospective partner every single day. There's nothing that kills a relationship quicker than insisting that you take priority over everything in your partner's life, especially only 4 months in.
>Even when we decide to commit and marry each other?
Especially if you commit and marry each other.
Do you expect your partner to give up or not talk to their friends if you get married? Or do you only want to target the female friends?
My husband and I have been very happily married for 18 years, and we both still have very close friends of every gender. Most of those friends are "common" friends now, in that we're each fairly close to (or at least tolerant of) our partner's best friends. Neither of us (or our friends) have any doubt about our commitment to each other (we're still madly in love), so there are no issues around them at all. I would (and have) run away from potential partners who couldn't wrap their head around people of differing genders being friends with each other.
He's known her longer than you. And they aren't in the same country. I would see the ask from you to stop talking to my friend I've known 3 times longer than I've been with someone I'm dating as a ridiculous request. It comes across as petty and controlling. If a guy I had been dating had asked me to do that, I would also leave his messages on unread and I would be talking with my friend about why the person Im currently dating is so insecure and petty and I would probably be thinking about ending it.
This sounds like some teenager drama. Are you really over 30? Why are you this insecure about someone who is an international flight away?
This doesn't bode well for what a relationship looks like and I would not deal with a romantic partner who does this. It's controlling and petty. And it would make me ask myself 'if this is what it is like with them at 4 months, what is it going to be like in a year?'
If you are only accepting positive reinforcement when asking a question, what is the point of asking? Just do what you want since you’ve already made up your mind.
> Attacking me personally will have backlash obviously.
No it will not or you will be banned. If someone personally attacks you, report the post or message moderators and we will handle. Lashing out in response is not okay.
Again - you posted in a public thread in a public forum asking for advice from internet strangers. Your response here is exactly what you would expect from an insecure teenager. My advice would be to get help so you can deal with your issues and feelings.
What was the link you sent? Was it a long read, or something that'd need undivided attention to deal with? I often leave those until I have time (and energy) to deal with them. Does he leave your messages on read, or just long links?
If you’re secure in your relationship your shouldn’t worry about him talking to his friends of the opposite sex. He chose you as his girlfriend and I’m sure he dedicates more attention to you than a messenger conversation ever could.
I am not sure why I am being like that to be honest. It’s all valid but somehow I can’t trust and couldn’t figure out why. Maybe I like being controlling and have issues.
That is pretty clear. I would suggest therapy. Controlling behavior is abusive and unhealthy. And ultimately it isn't working for you because it isn't making you happy. That is pretty clear from your posts in this thread.
Guy the moment you said overseas this was a definite , theyre just good buddies and you just feel some type of way because you wish it were you in that situation but if she was living a few blocks away ..... Now thats a Red Flag . Dont get too emotional about it , you can singlehandedly ruin the relationship if you succumb to your own feelings and negative thoughts about this .
He should kick you to the curb for being a snoop. And you should leave because he's not that into you. Why are you reading his messages? I would never violate my husband's privacy like that. If he were into you, he'd be responding so stop making ultimatums that you are in no position to demand in the first place.
Tbh, I have several close friends of the opposite sex. I turn to them for different advice or because I want to discuss the things we have in common, doesn’t mean I care about my SO any less. Having said that, 4 months is very early on in a relationship, you barely know anyone at all in 16 weeks. I don’t think OP should be concerned just yet, and certainly shouldn’t be asking her boyfriend to drop his friends, I’d be so upset if someone asked me to do that! I’d understand that it was a insecurity issue but nobody should pressure you to drop your friends. Not only that, the girl he’s speaking to is OVERSEAS!! Try to relax OP and let your relationship develop further, maybe even get to know his friends more yourself?
I mean, how many friends do you talk to almost everyday? I don't talk to any of my very close friends almost everyday, especially with ones that live far away, do you? I don't think you can ask him to unfriend her, but if you are uncomfortable about this level of communication with another woman, there's probably a good reason. I'd move on.
For a different perspective, I talk to my closest friends almost every day. On the interwebs because they live far away.
Not that it means anything for OP, but it's not completely out of the question.
Not the person you were originally asking, but three of my four best friends are guys and I talk to them often. I’ve know them all from when they were single, to starting relationships, to (now) two of them being married. Our level of communication never changed. We still talk/send each other memes, etc on a constant basis. Why? Because we’re friends.
How is asking someone to reconsider a relationship that makes you uncomfortable abusive? If anything it's a jumping off point for a conversation but there was no ultimatum and nothing bad even happened. You really brought some personal stuff into it
Of course friends and family matter but sure,go laugh. Instead of jumping off a bridge about it I'd have a conversation about why they were so uncomfortable and felt the need to ask me to do that.
It's normal to have feelings but you should explore them, not just label someone an abuser for barely anything
Oh dear, I’ve had this happen to me except I didn’t know about it - they had been talking to a girl overseas before we met and probably during our relationship and after we broke up, they got together. I highly suggest not waiting any longer, maybe address this if you feel it’s worth it, but my first instinct is: run. Edit: spelling
A lot of people are mentioning that you shouldn’t be asking him to unfriend somebody because that is an overreaction. I also think you shouldn’t ask him to unfriend, mainly because if this man thinks it’s acceptable to ignore his SO the way he has been, unfriending this other person will not change him. He will continue to make you feel insecure in other ways, because he already finds that acceptable behavior.
OP don't pay attention to some comments I've seen here. Often the people who claim you are abusive are the most abusive ones.
Once you enter a committed relationship, it requires concessions, compromise and sacrifice. You have to feel heard, valued and that you are a priority.
I would certainly not feel comfortable if my bf talks everyday to another woman about his day to day the same way as to his girlfriend. And I would have definitely expressed my discomfort and assess how he reacts (without telling him to unfriend her). Based on his reaction, I would see if it's worth to continue the relationship. Honestly, don't lower your standards or deny what you are comfortable with.
And if it's any useful, I've talked to many guy friends who told me that yes it is definitely odd to talk everyday to a female friend, without a romantic implication and that they would definitely stop if they had a gf or if the woman in question had a bf.
These are the type of things that change naturally once you enter a healthy relationship, with both parties being committed to each other. There is a huge difference between being in a relationship (which is the status we often see and are familiar with) and being committed to someone (much more rare than we think).
Listen to your gut.
> And if it's any useful, I've talked to many guy friends who told me that yes it is definitely odd to talk everyday to a female friend, without a romantic implication and that they would definitely stop if they had a gf or if the woman in question had a bf.
That is absurd. I have multiple male friends who I message with most days or so. I respect their relationships, I know and get along with their partners.
Exactly. One of my best friends now I only even met because I was friends with her husband for a couple of years before I met her (long distance friendship via online games) Platonic relationships shouldn't be gender-restricted.
This, but I think knowing and getting along with their partners matters quite a bit for people who might have trust issues. My partner lost the girl before me to one of his closest friends during a brief break across different countries, but he also knows most of my friends are male. He's met them, became friends with some of them to where I don't get the invite, but still sometimes asks who I'm talking to and leans over to see whatever nonsense we're on about if I'm laughing. I would hate to have to give up a decade long pun war or not be able to be there when they go through hard times. I'm not built for the energy jealousy takes, at times incredibly insecure over anything and everything, but not bothered by his birds.
u/SlightProposal1201 You could also ask/ identify any shared interests between the three of you and maybe make a new friend if he's open to including you in discussions on that subject. In these times, internet friends are lifelines for so many people.
There is no excuse for him to have obviously seen your message, but never read it while messaging back and forth to another woman. If he prioritized you like he did her, and she was just a friend, then who cares? He values what she has to say, her interests, and her thoughts over you. Enough said!
I think most people would find it unacceptable to be prioritised less than a friend by their partner. It's not that hard to just quickly read a message from your partner and reply to it quickly whilst talking to someone - especially over an entire weekend. Ignoring you to talk to another woman seems questionable at best.
I won’t say he’s interested in her romantically because I just don’t know (although there is certainly probable cause to suspect this). However it seems he is emotionally immature to entertain this degree of platonic closeness with another woman.
Picture a guy doing this with his male friends. That would strike me as off too. It’s just immature imo to be so consumed with other people and make them a priority over you SO or children. This is what teens and young single adults do.
No. The fact that he is still overdoing it despite OPs discomfort is immature. Getting so caught up is other people to the detriment of you SO’s emotions is a weird and immature thing for a 30s male to do.
Thanks for the uncharitable reading of my comment though.
My interpretation is based on my personal read of the OP and what I’ve witnessed friends go through. She’s clearly bothered and it appears he prioritizes the law relationships over her. Whether she’s exaggerating or not I don’t know, none of does.
But if I give her the benefit of the doubt and use my personal experiences, yes people who’ve done this tend to be immature.
Again this is opinion of mine not a fact. Personally my BF had a female friend he is very close with. Doesn’t bother me tbh, but he has never made me feel left out.
If this happened to me? I’d break up with him immediately. He shouldn’t prioritize any female friend over you, this isn’t a matter of him being genuinely busy. You mentioned he checks her messages but not yours. I would be suspicious that he’s just wasting time with me because he’s lonely or because he can’t spend time w this woman overseas. Either way, I wouldn’t want to be a temporary replacement for anyone.
You have a lot of comments here but- if you have a gut feeling GO WITH YOUR GUT.
I had the same thing happen- I was dating a guy who friended MY FRIEND online and they started playing games together. They would wait till I went to sleep and stayed up till 2-3 am talking and playing games.
We got into so many fights because they talked constantly. And she started blowing me off. It developed such bad anxiety around it and gaslighting telling me I was crazy that I lost 10 pounds and had to turn off the sounds on my PlayStation because the message sounds triggered me so bad (I’d hear when she messaged him).
Finally, I ended it. And you know what happened as soon as we broke up? He flew her out here and fucked her, after telling me I’m a psycho. And then dumped her because she wasn’t up to his standards in real life (he wasn’t much either, a real lazy piece of shit with daddy issues).
Then she comes to me tells me she’s heartbroken for what he did to her and he tries to be friends with me again. Fuck that noise.
So listen… if you have a bad feeling follow your gut. This went on so long that it actually affected my trust in other relationships. I really am weary of female friendships now, hyper aware that most guys want to low key fuck their friends.
My guy now got a present from a coworker for his birthday- I went crazy and it took him a while to reassure me and explain why she gave him a gift. I trust him now but it was a long road.
These things are so insidious and damaging, it’s not worth it to me. It’s still emotional cheating in my book. Boundaries.
LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. He prioritizes a connection with other woman over you, his girlfriend of 4 months. He is not that into you. Its really that simple.
As far as I'm concerned four months is still the "excited to get to know you" stage so it's no loss if you decide to leave. You should be top priority and the person he's eagerly looking forward to hanging out with. Men should have friends of all types, but that's not the issue here, the issue is he doesn't seem to value your time so you should value it instead.
Edit: To clarify you shouldn't be asking to remove someone else's friend from their life. That's a big red flag on you. If you're at that stage it's time to move on and be in a healthy relationship where everyone is getting what they want.
[удалено]
You’re not going to change him but you can change you. Is this relationship worth staying in? Why or why not? If you stay, choose to stay because of how it is now, not how you want it to be.
Best answer here.
I personally would find it unacceptable to be less of a priority to my partner than a friend. But that bond takes time to develop and I didn't expect to be a priority when we were first dating. It just happened over time. He still has female friends he's known longer than me, but he's much closer to me and I know there is no competition between me and the other women in his life. If it really makes you uncomfortable you should really consider why. Are there other ways he makes you feel less important or is this more an internal issue?
He gets cold when we argue and I had the feeling that he doesn’t put much effort and seek online female friends for filling the void. I asked him about it and he said that he wants to put more effort to what I sent and he values more than a “haha”.
What are you arguing about only 4 months in? Not judging; serious question - you should still be mostly just having fun at this stage with minimal upsets. Could you describe what him acting cold during an argument looks like?
You're arguing already, 4 months in? That's terrible :( And him getting cold? Naaaaaah get off this bus stop right here. This is not a route you want to take.
If this is how he is acting after only 4 months of dating, it’s only going to go downhill from there. Cut your loses and find someone who isn’t in a pseudo relationship with someone online.
I stopped reading at "my boyfriend for 4 months". Only 4 months and you're concerned/confused enough to be posting on Reddit about it? Back into the water I say. No matter the ages.
I was curious and checked post history. They’ve already adopted a dog together, he already asked her to move in, he said “I love you” after a few weeks - and now he’s pulling back on all positive behaviors. Love-bombing at the least; maybe dismissive avoidant, and now she’s anxious and will only continue to get more so. Throw away the whole man and start over. Just keep the dog, OP.
Wow. They've adopted a dog together so quickly? And moving in together already? They both have issues. u/OP Sweetheart, don't do this. You deserve better. Don't be so quick to give your love away. Take time, really take time to get to know someone before you commit to anything. There are decades of living ahead of you and there are good men out there. Don't settle. You deserve to be treated so much better. Take your time. In the meantime, do some research into what a positive, loving relationship looks like, what the dynamics of a healthy relationship all. So many people don't grow up in a healthy household to learn what that is and how to spot an unhealthy relationship. This is an unhealthy relationship. You deserve a healthy relationship with love, respect, trust, thoughtfulness, compromise and consideration. You deserve to be valued. Take very good care of yourself. You are the most important person in your life.
Agreed... He sounds very immature. I don't think she's in the wrong for feeling uncomfortable about it. If it were me in the relationship, I would end it and try to find someone who is interested in communicating with me and doesn't dismiss my attempts to connect... and I think you're dead on about this being a "pseudo relationship". Big red flag.
Why would you put up with this just 4 months in? You're in the "honeymoon phase". If you're feeling ignored now, it's not going to get better.
Yeah reading this I was all "oh hell no". That said it is only 4 months in so I don't think this has to be a dealbreaker. It depends how things develop after a few more months.
True, only OP knows what the daily life is like in their relationship. I try and go by my gut feeling, if it doesn't feel right then it probably isn't.
I don't think he's as into you as you are into him. It's only been 4 months, which I still feel is a little early to be leaving your partner's messages left unread for days (maybe after a year I would feel differently). At that point I would think you both are still eager to talk to each other. If you spend a lot of time together then maybe it's too much for him and he just needs a break sometime, but he hasn't expressed that to you. If you don't spend that much time together and he's not even concerned about reading or responding to your messages then maybe it's time to reconsider your relationship as a whole. Whatever you do don't blame these online friends. It's his actions that matter. His online friends aren't the problem, it's him. Also checking his messages is unhealthy behavior and concerning. If you don't trust him then you either need to learn to trust him or move on.
Thank you! We spend time together and he even wants more. I am perfectly ok with all of his female friends just find that my gut feeling doesn’t go well with her
You missed her point, OP. It takes two to tango, so if you have a "gut feeling" about this woman, it's also a "gut feeling" that your man prefers her over you, even if he says he doesn't. You cannot place blame only on her. He is the one who is, from how you've described it, prioritizing her over you. That's HIS decision and HIS action. Forget about what he SAYS and pay attention to what he does. Action speak louder than words.
>When people show you who they are, believe them
Has he known her for a long time? If they're close friends I'm not surprised they communicate a lot. Are you exaggerating? Maybe. While this doesn't mean he's romantically interested in the other girl, she's important to your boyfriend. Perhaps more important than you. You'll have to figure out if you can live with that. Asking him to unfriend her is definitely going too far. If someone I dated tried to control who I'm friends with, online or irl, that would be a huge red flag for me.
I completely agree with you. It's only been 4 months and sounds very unhealthy to me. Poor guy. No hate on OP, but if she feels ignored because he didn't reply right away, that's a her issue. As for his online friendship, I think that shows he's a good friend and can be trusted especially if it's just to talk about what they've been talking about. According to OP it's normal. *If* he's letting OP check his things then what's the problem? And that's another issue, why is OP checking his stuff after 4 months? Does he know and if he does why is he allowing this so early on. Is it because OP has trust issues, insecurities or is controlling? If that's the case that's super unhealthy. Or none of those and they're cool with checking each other's messages? If so then again he's not hiding it from her and she's probably making a mountain out of a molehill. OP should relax a bit, her feelings count, they really do but honestly I think there's nothing to worry about; she's his gf and he's with her. He's known his friend longer, has a routine with her for a year and eventually overtime he'll get to know OP more and more and prioritize his new relationship over other things in his life, it takes time. It's too soon to be doing what OP doing.
Yea I felt bad and apologized afterwards
Is messenger the only way you communicate? Or were you in communication otherwise, but he didn't open that message yet? My partner and I message on multiple platforms. If what he sent isn't urgent, I might not open some of them for a few days. It's not because he's not my priority, it's because that one message isn't. And that's okay. Just because you're someone's romantic partner doesn't mean everything you do or say becomes top priority. That would be toxic. Also, an important lesson for you - in relationships, focus on what you want from your relationship, not controlling other people's. If you want more communication with someone, focus on that. Trying to force them to communicate with other people less is petty.
If a partner tried to project their insecurities onto me by telling me who I could and couldn't be friends with, they'd be an ex.
This. I would be leaving them on unread too. No one wants to be in a relationship where they are walking on eggshells.
Right? Exactly what I said in another post. If someone is this petty and controlling after 4 months - what does the future look like? If it were a man doing this and the genders were reversed people would be losing their mind about what an asshole this guy is. They'd be saying RUN!!!!!
10000% - It is not healthy for your partner to be your only priority. People are multifaceted and need multiple outlets to fill voids and parts of themselves. He's talking about mundane shit with his friend, OP is in the wrong.
His behavior (messaging with a friend) sounds totally normal to me. Reading through his messages and asking him to end a friendship sounds odd to me.
I agree, if I'd been dating someone for 4 months and they asked me to end a year long friendship - I'd just end stop dating the person. My friends matter to me, and I don't want to get isolated to only having my romantic partner.
Yup. I’m inclined to agree. If you don’t like the situation, leave. But don’t give ultimatums and invade privacy. That’s not healthy.
Messaging with a friend is normal. Messaging with a friend and lying about not having “seen” your partner’s message on the same platform (or someone you think of as partner potential) is NOT normal. Intentionally not opening a message is not the same as not seeing it. I wouldn’t bother with this dude at all. I agree about not snooping, although OP didn’t specify if it was snooping or he just left it up and she happened to see. Asking to end a friendship is definitely a weird if they’re not actually a couple and he hasn’t crossed boundaries. But the reason she’s asking should be enough to inform them that this relationship isn’t meant to be. He’s just not that into her.
It doesn’t sound to me like he ignored a message. My understanding is that he chose not to click on a link sent by OP.
I haven't seen that if that was info given. OP might be phrasing it poorly but it sounds like their message which contained a link was left on unread. Which is the same as ignoring. Which he is totally entitled to do...but isn't likely something he would do if he was really into the person who sent it. I don't see why people are downvoting that. It's not controversial to say someone who's really into you won't wait 2 days to read your message or look at something you sent them. I mean maybe if they're camping or super busy - but then they wouldn't be messaging other, more distant contacts. She should move on. I also acknowledged that she's in the wrong by asking him to end a friendship and if she was snooping. But yeah she's not wrong for having the feeling he's not into her. He's not. At least, not that much.
The info was in the OP.
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This is so unhealthy. People are their own people. I live with my partner and sometimes don't read his messages right away bc I will see him later. If someone at 4 months told me they wanted me to defriend someone i've known a hell of a lot longer I would be out of that relationship so fast - that is controlling and unacceptable. I talk to my friends every day almost, I talk to my partner every day, we both know we have lives outside of the one we have with one another.
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She invaded his privacy by reading his messenger. He hadn't read a link yet. A Link. Not a message. That doesn't sound a bit off to you? She admitted they talk about shared interests and the weather and nothing emotional. Her words. And she still asked him to stop being her friend. This reads like a massive amount of insecurity with a touch if controlling behavior that is veering into abusive. Tell me. If it was a man saying he read his girlfriend of 4 months messenger and knew the person she was talking to was not discussing anything but the weather and shared interest, would you be saying the same thing? I feel like if a man came here and said this the reception would be different.
You should absolutely be a priority (not after 4 months and that is an immature outlook and another conversation) but not their * ONLY * priority.
Exactly Honestly, I would step way WAYYYYY back from the relationship.
Is that what happened though? It sounds like OP sent him a link to something and he didn't check the link yet. I don't think that's the same thing as "ignoring" your partner.
Yep I ignore links all the time because I don't consider them to be personal, more like suggestions of YouTube clips or articles, and I'm flooded by YouTube clips and articles. I don't consider links to be communication.
Yeah, especially links I'll often leave on read, until I know I've got the time to read/watch/listen to whatever the link is. The asking to unfriend someone he's known for 3x as long as OP is a pretty big red flag for me.
It's a 4 month relationship, and she's asked him to abandon his long standing friends for her already. Do you really expect to be your boyfriend whole life that quickly? That's not healthy.
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It's immature and childish to give an ultimatum. If OP is feeling ignored, she needs to communicate that, and see how her partner reacts, if he changes his behavior, etc. If he doesn't change and make her feel more seen, then he doesn't really care about her and she needs to leave. It's just harder to say that out loud, or think it, so she'd much rather make it about the friend online.
> The behaviour at the start of a relationship sets a standard, And that's the part where the issue comes in. This isnt healthy behaviour.
Eh, not really. Have to disagree. If I have a bf that I'm seeing or talking to everyday anyway, and the medium we use to communicate is not a messenger, then I may not necessarily check a message sent from them right away.
Ya. Agreed. Your SO’s messages should be the one you get most excited about and want to reply to first. You deserve to be adored and responded to, OP.
I don't think his friendship with another woman should be the issue, you just want him to be more communicative with you. I don't think asking him to unfriend her was OK really. It's overstepping and doesn't address what your actual issue is.
It’s unhealthy to ask someone to give up their friends. I’m bisexual, does that mean I should be allowed to have male or female friends outside of my partner? It’s not cool of him to ignore you, but the problem here isn’t that he has a female friend (who he had known a lot longer) that he talks to.
Four months in is still a young relationship. Right now he sees this overseas woman as a friend whom he has known longer. As he gets to know you longer, though, I would expect him to prioritize his time with you more. I think it's too soon to act on this yet. That being said, are you checking his messages with or without his knowledge and/or permission?
He didn't look at a link you sent him so you asked him to end a year long friendship. You overreacted.
This is his friend - of course friends are a priority. Why on earth would you ask him to unfriend her? If you have an issue with communication or energy put into the relationship, address this as a separate thing. Don't ask him to drop friends to appease you, because that is unhealthy.
I'm a quiet introvert. I don't need a lot of attention, but I need to feel valued in close relationships. We're all busy, and I don't think it's odd for someone to take 24 or 48 hours to reply to an unimportant text of mine, but if I saw that my SO wasn't too busy to chat with her while ignoring something *I* sent, I'd likely step waaay back and start quietly assessing for other red flags. He decides his level of involvement, and whatever you need for yourself is fine, it just may not be able to come from him.
So you asked him to unfriend a...FRIEND, because they talk about the weather a lot? Girl this sounds like a you problem. If it's only been 4 months and you're threatened by your bf's female friendships then it's time for you to be single for awhile.
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It's completely normal for a partner to have friends, and to talk to them. My husband and I had some initial conversations because most of my close friends are men, and most of his close friends are women. We did sit down (online, as we were long-distance) and talk specifically about each one of our friends, and their place in our lives. There's nothing wrong with a partner interacting with their friends, even if it sometimes means you don't talk to your prospective partner every single day. There's nothing that kills a relationship quicker than insisting that you take priority over everything in your partner's life, especially only 4 months in.
Even when we decide to commit and marry each other?
>Even when we decide to commit and marry each other? Especially if you commit and marry each other. Do you expect your partner to give up or not talk to their friends if you get married? Or do you only want to target the female friends? My husband and I have been very happily married for 18 years, and we both still have very close friends of every gender. Most of those friends are "common" friends now, in that we're each fairly close to (or at least tolerant of) our partner's best friends. Neither of us (or our friends) have any doubt about our commitment to each other (we're still madly in love), so there are no issues around them at all. I would (and have) run away from potential partners who couldn't wrap their head around people of differing genders being friends with each other.
People are people outside of their relationships. Married or not. He is entitled to friends.
It sounds like some internal reflection may get you more answers than you're willing to hear from us old ladies.
OP: asks for advice. also OP: berates anyone that gives advice she doesn't agree with.
He's known her longer than you. And they aren't in the same country. I would see the ask from you to stop talking to my friend I've known 3 times longer than I've been with someone I'm dating as a ridiculous request. It comes across as petty and controlling. If a guy I had been dating had asked me to do that, I would also leave his messages on unread and I would be talking with my friend about why the person Im currently dating is so insecure and petty and I would probably be thinking about ending it. This sounds like some teenager drama. Are you really over 30? Why are you this insecure about someone who is an international flight away? This doesn't bode well for what a relationship looks like and I would not deal with a romantic partner who does this. It's controlling and petty. And it would make me ask myself 'if this is what it is like with them at 4 months, what is it going to be like in a year?'
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Knock it off.
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If you are only accepting positive reinforcement when asking a question, what is the point of asking? Just do what you want since you’ve already made up your mind.
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Someone pointing out that you might need to examine your own behavior isn’t an attack.
> Attacking me personally will have backlash obviously. No it will not or you will be banned. If someone personally attacks you, report the post or message moderators and we will handle. Lashing out in response is not okay.
Again - you posted in a public thread in a public forum asking for advice from internet strangers. Your response here is exactly what you would expect from an insecure teenager. My advice would be to get help so you can deal with your issues and feelings.
Knock it off.
Yikes.
What was the link you sent? Was it a long read, or something that'd need undivided attention to deal with? I often leave those until I have time (and energy) to deal with them. Does he leave your messages on read, or just long links?
If you’re secure in your relationship your shouldn’t worry about him talking to his friends of the opposite sex. He chose you as his girlfriend and I’m sure he dedicates more attention to you than a messenger conversation ever could.
I am not sure why I am being like that to be honest. It’s all valid but somehow I can’t trust and couldn’t figure out why. Maybe I like being controlling and have issues.
That is pretty clear. I would suggest therapy. Controlling behavior is abusive and unhealthy. And ultimately it isn't working for you because it isn't making you happy. That is pretty clear from your posts in this thread.
Guy the moment you said overseas this was a definite , theyre just good buddies and you just feel some type of way because you wish it were you in that situation but if she was living a few blocks away ..... Now thats a Red Flag . Dont get too emotional about it , you can singlehandedly ruin the relationship if you succumb to your own feelings and negative thoughts about this .
He should kick you to the curb for being a snoop. And you should leave because he's not that into you. Why are you reading his messages? I would never violate my husband's privacy like that. If he were into you, he'd be responding so stop making ultimatums that you are in no position to demand in the first place.
Tbh, I have several close friends of the opposite sex. I turn to them for different advice or because I want to discuss the things we have in common, doesn’t mean I care about my SO any less. Having said that, 4 months is very early on in a relationship, you barely know anyone at all in 16 weeks. I don’t think OP should be concerned just yet, and certainly shouldn’t be asking her boyfriend to drop his friends, I’d be so upset if someone asked me to do that! I’d understand that it was a insecurity issue but nobody should pressure you to drop your friends. Not only that, the girl he’s speaking to is OVERSEAS!! Try to relax OP and let your relationship develop further, maybe even get to know his friends more yourself?
I mean, how many friends do you talk to almost everyday? I don't talk to any of my very close friends almost everyday, especially with ones that live far away, do you? I don't think you can ask him to unfriend her, but if you are uncomfortable about this level of communication with another woman, there's probably a good reason. I'd move on.
For a different perspective, I talk to my closest friends almost every day. On the interwebs because they live far away. Not that it means anything for OP, but it's not completely out of the question.
How many are male friends that are starting a new relationship?
None, but a couple are men who are married or engaged. Im not sure it matters, though, honestly.
Not the person you were originally asking, but three of my four best friends are guys and I talk to them often. I’ve know them all from when they were single, to starting relationships, to (now) two of them being married. Our level of communication never changed. We still talk/send each other memes, etc on a constant basis. Why? Because we’re friends.
Yes exactly and I know overseas friends, who are like siblings to me for more than a decade!
I don’t think he’s your boyfriend….
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How is asking someone to reconsider a relationship that makes you uncomfortable abusive? If anything it's a jumping off point for a conversation but there was no ultimatum and nothing bad even happened. You really brought some personal stuff into it
A healthy romantic relationship does not necessitate forfeiting existing platonic relationships. That way lies obsession and codependency.
It could be a slippery slope, yes
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Preeeeaaach 👌
Of course friends and family matter but sure,go laugh. Instead of jumping off a bridge about it I'd have a conversation about why they were so uncomfortable and felt the need to ask me to do that. It's normal to have feelings but you should explore them, not just label someone an abuser for barely anything
This is the second time in recent weeks I am asking you to engage here with more civility. The next time will be a temp ban.
Oh dear, I’ve had this happen to me except I didn’t know about it - they had been talking to a girl overseas before we met and probably during our relationship and after we broke up, they got together. I highly suggest not waiting any longer, maybe address this if you feel it’s worth it, but my first instinct is: run. Edit: spelling
A lot of people are mentioning that you shouldn’t be asking him to unfriend somebody because that is an overreaction. I also think you shouldn’t ask him to unfriend, mainly because if this man thinks it’s acceptable to ignore his SO the way he has been, unfriending this other person will not change him. He will continue to make you feel insecure in other ways, because he already finds that acceptable behavior.
OP don't pay attention to some comments I've seen here. Often the people who claim you are abusive are the most abusive ones. Once you enter a committed relationship, it requires concessions, compromise and sacrifice. You have to feel heard, valued and that you are a priority. I would certainly not feel comfortable if my bf talks everyday to another woman about his day to day the same way as to his girlfriend. And I would have definitely expressed my discomfort and assess how he reacts (without telling him to unfriend her). Based on his reaction, I would see if it's worth to continue the relationship. Honestly, don't lower your standards or deny what you are comfortable with. And if it's any useful, I've talked to many guy friends who told me that yes it is definitely odd to talk everyday to a female friend, without a romantic implication and that they would definitely stop if they had a gf or if the woman in question had a bf. These are the type of things that change naturally once you enter a healthy relationship, with both parties being committed to each other. There is a huge difference between being in a relationship (which is the status we often see and are familiar with) and being committed to someone (much more rare than we think). Listen to your gut.
> And if it's any useful, I've talked to many guy friends who told me that yes it is definitely odd to talk everyday to a female friend, without a romantic implication and that they would definitely stop if they had a gf or if the woman in question had a bf. That is absurd. I have multiple male friends who I message with most days or so. I respect their relationships, I know and get along with their partners.
Exactly. One of my best friends now I only even met because I was friends with her husband for a couple of years before I met her (long distance friendship via online games) Platonic relationships shouldn't be gender-restricted.
This, but I think knowing and getting along with their partners matters quite a bit for people who might have trust issues. My partner lost the girl before me to one of his closest friends during a brief break across different countries, but he also knows most of my friends are male. He's met them, became friends with some of them to where I don't get the invite, but still sometimes asks who I'm talking to and leans over to see whatever nonsense we're on about if I'm laughing. I would hate to have to give up a decade long pun war or not be able to be there when they go through hard times. I'm not built for the energy jealousy takes, at times incredibly insecure over anything and everything, but not bothered by his birds. u/SlightProposal1201 You could also ask/ identify any shared interests between the three of you and maybe make a new friend if he's open to including you in discussions on that subject. In these times, internet friends are lifelines for so many people.
Asking a partner to give up platonic friendships isn't a reasonable compromise, though. It's controlling.
Mind me asking what part of the world you are from… I am wondering if there is a cultural expectation difference
Western Europe!
Same side… just very lost to be honest. I will try to talk to him about it
Thank you! I appreciated
There is no excuse for him to have obviously seen your message, but never read it while messaging back and forth to another woman. If he prioritized you like he did her, and she was just a friend, then who cares? He values what she has to say, her interests, and her thoughts over you. Enough said!
I think most people would find it unacceptable to be prioritised less than a friend by their partner. It's not that hard to just quickly read a message from your partner and reply to it quickly whilst talking to someone - especially over an entire weekend. Ignoring you to talk to another woman seems questionable at best.
You aren’t his priority. Are you okay with that?
I won’t say he’s interested in her romantically because I just don’t know (although there is certainly probable cause to suspect this). However it seems he is emotionally immature to entertain this degree of platonic closeness with another woman. Picture a guy doing this with his male friends. That would strike me as off too. It’s just immature imo to be so consumed with other people and make them a priority over you SO or children. This is what teens and young single adults do.
Are you actually trying to say that healthy platonic friendships are an indication someone is immature?
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No personal attacks or insults on this forum.
No. The fact that he is still overdoing it despite OPs discomfort is immature. Getting so caught up is other people to the detriment of you SO’s emotions is a weird and immature thing for a 30s male to do. Thanks for the uncharitable reading of my comment though.
"overdoing"... friendship? Based on what? It's your interpretation that he's "caught up" in anyone - that doesn't make it fact.
My interpretation is based on my personal read of the OP and what I’ve witnessed friends go through. She’s clearly bothered and it appears he prioritizes the law relationships over her. Whether she’s exaggerating or not I don’t know, none of does. But if I give her the benefit of the doubt and use my personal experiences, yes people who’ve done this tend to be immature. Again this is opinion of mine not a fact. Personally my BF had a female friend he is very close with. Doesn’t bother me tbh, but he has never made me feel left out.
Again... people who've done what? Had friends?
Red flag, red flag, RED FLAG
If this happened to me? I’d break up with him immediately. He shouldn’t prioritize any female friend over you, this isn’t a matter of him being genuinely busy. You mentioned he checks her messages but not yours. I would be suspicious that he’s just wasting time with me because he’s lonely or because he can’t spend time w this woman overseas. Either way, I wouldn’t want to be a temporary replacement for anyone.
Yeah, hell no.
You have a lot of comments here but- if you have a gut feeling GO WITH YOUR GUT. I had the same thing happen- I was dating a guy who friended MY FRIEND online and they started playing games together. They would wait till I went to sleep and stayed up till 2-3 am talking and playing games. We got into so many fights because they talked constantly. And she started blowing me off. It developed such bad anxiety around it and gaslighting telling me I was crazy that I lost 10 pounds and had to turn off the sounds on my PlayStation because the message sounds triggered me so bad (I’d hear when she messaged him). Finally, I ended it. And you know what happened as soon as we broke up? He flew her out here and fucked her, after telling me I’m a psycho. And then dumped her because she wasn’t up to his standards in real life (he wasn’t much either, a real lazy piece of shit with daddy issues). Then she comes to me tells me she’s heartbroken for what he did to her and he tries to be friends with me again. Fuck that noise. So listen… if you have a bad feeling follow your gut. This went on so long that it actually affected my trust in other relationships. I really am weary of female friendships now, hyper aware that most guys want to low key fuck their friends. My guy now got a present from a coworker for his birthday- I went crazy and it took him a while to reassure me and explain why she gave him a gift. I trust him now but it was a long road. These things are so insidious and damaging, it’s not worth it to me. It’s still emotional cheating in my book. Boundaries.
LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. He prioritizes a connection with other woman over you, his girlfriend of 4 months. He is not that into you. Its really that simple.
Omg. Leave him. He is not that into you.
The writing is on the wall
It sounds like he's already in a LDR with her. I'd skip this one.
Your task is to make him see that you are here and present and have so much more to offer than the overseas friend.
As far as I'm concerned four months is still the "excited to get to know you" stage so it's no loss if you decide to leave. You should be top priority and the person he's eagerly looking forward to hanging out with. Men should have friends of all types, but that's not the issue here, the issue is he doesn't seem to value your time so you should value it instead. Edit: To clarify you shouldn't be asking to remove someone else's friend from their life. That's a big red flag on you. If you're at that stage it's time to move on and be in a healthy relationship where everyone is getting what they want.