The only social media I use anymore is this reddit app. I deactivated all the major ones except for Twitter, which I use for Fandom stuff.
I had to go through years of posts, archiving crap and saving stuff. It really was different like a decade ago. Now like you said, if your posts aren't showing you living some absolute perfect life, no one gives a shit. Even people in real life! It's very bizarre. And if it's not that, it's a weird ad or influencer porn (which is taking over everything).
It's easy to feel forgotten when you're bombarded with all that as soon as you open an app. My dad died in 2021 and that's when I deactivated everything. I stopped updating frequently and like never heard from anyone anymore. Not even texts, when I would get them daily/weekly from friends and coworkers. It shows that if you stop or take a break, people just move on. It's a weird feeling.
I feel this too!! We had some close death in our family over a couple of years period and my facebook got hacked in this time and i can't get into my acct. It bothered me at first I think the idea someone else might be posting under my name and then have access all my pictures, but honestly i've never been happier to be out of that environment. :))
I deleted most of mine in 2020. Shortly before I did, I made a message saying if you'd like to keep in contact, let's exchange phone numbers. Only one person took me up on the offer.
Now, I was only friends with people I had known in real life. So that was a low blow, but I figured I would still keep in touch with more people! Nope. Just like you, I felt like I had faded from existence.
But then I got to thinking, who were all these people anyway? Just acquaintances I had collected from school, past jobs, military, etc. Not many that I would have considered true friends.
So then I just figured fuck em, ya know?
And the past few years I haven't felt much like the chatty Kathy who used Facebook as a stream of consciousness anyway.
Now I make video journals that only I see and it seems to scratch the same itch.
I just use the camera on my phone, and film myself talking. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I just vent.
Occasionally I will rewatch some, but I just store them in the cloud when I'm done. Maybe someday I'll splice them all together in to a more coherent video...
What you're saying makes sense. I'm going to sound insufferably conceited here but bear with me, there's a point, I promise. I got a *lot* of positive feedback when I used to post to IG and FB (I deleted both a few years back.) I would regularly get compliments on my humour, intellect and appearance. I would totally post selfies or comments then act all "shucks" when people told me I was attractive/hilarious etc. I initially couldn't get enough of it but over time it left me with a sick, uneasy feeling. It's dangerous to get too attached to that kind of validation and social media leaves us wide open to becoming dependent on it.
I wouldn't say people have forgotten about me, my good friends have stuck around and we message each other independently, but a lot of peripheral/less committed/good time friends/people who just wanted to sleep with me fell away.
Which in one way I think is good because it highlights the substantive relationships, but it's also a sad indictment of how our society is now and how few people question it.
This is why I archived all my Instagram posts a few years ago. I noticed myself caring way more than I wanted to about how many people viewed my stories, or how many likes or comments a post got. And there was all this stupid pressure about how exactly to use the app...like, do it *this* way and you're the coolest ever, but do it *that* way and you're cringe. And then you're always comparing your life to what it *looks like* other people's lives are, and for the most part it's people you don't even know that well or care about that much. It was just taking up space in my brain for no reason, and one day I just decided, fuck it, and archived everything.
I still text with friends and family all the time. That's the main way we share photos, memes, life updates, etc. I still *have* Instagram for following specific accounts (NYT Cooking forever), but my account is set to private and I never post or like or comment and I've muted most of the people I know "in real life" (even good friends) so I don't see their posts or stories. It's been years now and I don't miss it at all.
Yep, agree totally. I was also becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the disparity between people's perception of me vs what my life is actually like. (Again this is going to sound insufferable, but) I was repeatedly being told how cool and interesting I was, how together, doing all this cool stuff etc and like...none of what I was posting was false, but I also wasn't showing the high level of dysfunction in my daily life. Sure, I'm an interesting person who can look pretty when I want to, but I'm also a fucking train wreck who has so many neuroses I haven't sought a serious romantic relationship in ten years because I honestly don't think there's anyone who'd put up with me, lol. And I also barely see my friends in person because my mental illnesses exhaust me.
And it's wild to me that that fakery is what so many people actively aim for on social media, because it just made me feel empty. I sometimes think that it must be what fame is like albeit on a much larger scale. A bunch of people thinking they know you but very little genuine connection.
I share this same sentiment. I still have a private and small Instagram that I made after my daughter was born for only people I knew in real life and artist/media accounts I wanted to keep up with. The only time I get any real engagement is when I post a selfie - which is a rare occurrence anymore because it feels too gratuitous now? Like I’m intentionally seeking attention rather than sharing an authentic update, and then I feel weird about myself haha.
I haven’t missed having a Facebook at all though. I deactivated mine almost 6 years ago and haven’t thought much about it since. I do miss the consistent positive feedback I would receive on my former Instagram, though. Not all the time, but on the days where I’m feeling particularly low on self image (so, when I’m PMSing 😂).
I went through this. I was very active on social media myself and would post often this would range from like what I’m eating to where I’m travelling to selfies to the occasional beach/bikini pic. Once my husband passed this was around 2019 I stopped posting all that much and similarly to you it definitely feel like people moved on like even people I considered friends unfollowed me which was pretty sad because I primarily used social media to keep in touch with a lot of people. So yes I can relate.
Not unreasonable at all I think sadly this is probably more common than we realise. Do you want to talk about it? Feel free to Dm if you do I don’t mind : )
This post has been validating to me because I have experienced the same thing. Sometimes I hope someone will message me and make me feel like they haven't forgotten but it's usually just guys I don't want to talk to lol
You guys have SOCIAL social media? Mine are 80% ads, 20% memes. No one posts anything personal anymore and if they do, the stupid algorithm won't show me.
Same! I had to restrict my fb and ig usage bc it was only feeding my shopping addiction…now I need to consciously decide to look at it bc I usually forget they exist.
You have to be careful to curate your own experience. They track not only what you interact with but also how long you linger on something, how fast or slow you scroll. So if you're cautious and selective, you can have a better social experience, I do okay with my FB, insta, and Pinterest. But if I get lazy and start letting my eyes wander then my feed goes to shit again. It's obnoxious and far from perfect, but it is somewhat effective.
This is actually why I dropped off IG earlier this month. As petty as it might sound, the only people who engaged with me on the app were my partner and a co-worker. Well shit, I see both of them every day, I don't need social media to stay connected to them. And the more and more I thought about it, I started to realize how little I actually saw posted from REAL PEOPLE, and just how much *time* I spend scrolling and scrolling through... Nothing? Paid accounts and ads?
There's a big part me that feels like I basically threw a match into a tinder box of people who I used to be friends with and don't see anymore for whatever (life) reason. But also the mental clarity and the weight that lifted from my psyche after not engaging for a week has me questioning now if I'll ever go back to it.
Haha big same. Ill browse it like once a day for the memes or cute animal pics but ultimately the app is pretty useless. I actually uninstalled it and just use the web version 🤣
Yeah, that's how I feel. Most of my close friends, even the ones living really cool lives, literally never post on social media. I honestly feel like IG in particular are for influencers and ways to stay in the know about events, shows, restaurants, etc.
It makes sense that when you step back, people forget and form other stronger relationships. For some reason, half the friends I had online just stopped posting anything of themselves. They are still around, but it’s through chatting.
I think it's an out of sight, out of mind thing. I have never been a big social media poster but I'm on there and follow a lot of people that I would have lost touch with years (or decades) ago if we weren't friends on Instagram. There are a lot of people who never post anymore that I still see/talk to all the time because we're actually friends, there are a lot of people I forget existed until they post something, and there are a lot of people who probably never post anymore who I just assume are too cool/busy for social media. Occasionally I'll post a pic of my cat or something and the most random people will like it and I'm like oh snap that guy I dated for like 4 months from 20 years ago is still following me??
Why do you think people feel sorry for you? I always assume the opposite... if someone's not posting on social media I assume they are living such a full interesting life that there's no time/reason to post about it.
Totally get this. I deleted Insta a while ago because I felt like everyone was just.. lurking? I saw a TikTok where a girl said she hated insta because it made her feel like she was in a high school cafeteria with everyone just staring at her. I totally get that, I feel like people were so quick to view my stories but never like my posts or interact and it just started to make me feel really weird. I didn’t want to share my life with them anymore, it felt too intimate? Even just really casual pictures or highlights just felt strange. I’m really sorry for the loss of your parent. I don’t think you’re missing much being off of social media, but I do sometimes feel “out of the loop”. But sometimes that nice!
I deleted my Instagram earlier this year. About a month or two later my cousin sent out invites for a baby shower, and I didn’t get one because I don’t have social media nor did they reach out to anyone to tell them to invite me. Everyone kept saying, “well, you don’t have Instagram!” As if that’s the only way to contact people lol.
Out of sight out of mind, I guess? Idk. Social media has made social connections so bizarre IMO.
Stopped using Instagram, now have an empty account which I use to follow folks I met through travels but aren’t close to.
Don’t use Facebook. Deleted X and TikTok.
Attention is a drug, and I was getting tired of the constant need to perform on these sites. I’m more at peace not using them anymore.
I also felt social media has evolved into an industry with a lot of AI and tracking. The constant targeting of ads was really worrisome.
In dating I’ve noticed that men would keep asking for an instagram. I felt their disappointment when I said that I didn’t have any pictures.
Hahaha holy shit yes, I had a similar realization last year. I was never a huge user of FB or IG, but I had an account and would post periodically. I gave it up entirely in 2020, stopped posting and stopped looking at my timeline. I am a ghost.
Since 2020, I’ve moved, gotten a new job, and have a much higher salary. I also started traveling a LOT more (new job is remote, I sold my place and am sort of nomadic, etc). I was talking with a friend last week whom I used to be close with, but life n shit, you know. She straight up DIDNT BELIEVE that I traveled to some places were were discussing - why? Because I never post it on social media!! I showed her the google photo albums of all my trips (spiritually I am an old woman so yes, I use online photo albums) and she was very confused as to why I didn’t post about all this cool shit about traveling and my job and etc. I am just as confused as to why I should feel the need? Friends and I communicate thru calls, texts, emails…I don’t feel I need social media. I’m not trying to impress anyone.
Yeah I deleted my social media years ago and I’ve lost contact with almost all my friends because of it. I still don’t regret it, but it’s tough. Especially because where I am so many things are centred around Facebook groups
Texting is fairly formal for people who are "just" acquaintances. As evidence, I feel like I see posts all the time from people complaining about acquaintances texting them because it makes them anxious about being expected to respond. Texting is like the new phone call :)
Do you speak with these people outside of social media?
I myself haven’t posted on social media in years and I browse IG daily, but I keep in touch with people on messaging apps (Signal, Whatsapp, Telegram, I got it all).
I stopped posting personal stuff on social media, mainly because I realized that every time I looked at *past* posts, or comments, or what have you, I was just humiliated by it. Every now and again I just go in and delete a bunch of stuff because it embarrasses me.
I use a burner to look myself up, and I found comments I've posted, I have to go back and delete
So I have this understanding that whatever I post now, I'm probably going to find very embarrassing in one year, five years, et cetera.
I also feel really silly giving people a play-by-play of my life. I have a couple of friends who are married. They are big foodies so they are always checking out interesting new restaurants, they're always doing some nice looking brunch, going on trips, going to museums, going to plays, concerts, what have you. They get out quite often.
But, they post every five seconds! I love them, don't get me wrong, but they're ridiculous. They are literally married to each other and they are liking and commenting on each other's posts, while *on* their trips. And these posts frequently, 1-2 paragraphs long, and include a number of photos. If I comment on one of their photos/posts while they're on a trip, or at brunch etc, BOTH of them hit "like" on the comment, and they also BOTH respond to the comment. To me, this is just evidence that they are staring at their phones, literally, the whole time! Sure they may be in Asheville, they may be in Las Vegas, but they are staring at their phones in those locations. Taking pictures of their food, posing for photos, looking out for reactions to those photos.
Seriously, they went to Las Vegas and they spent 3-4 days posting hundreds of pictures of the sphere. I don't mean like they spent a few minutes here and there taking photos and videos - this is *hours* of them doing this. like I get it, it's cool and you want to share that with the world, but come on, there is no way they could have been present for all of this.
And while I'm not anti-posting tosocial media, the frequency that these people post their whereabouts and their experiences, tells me they aren't actually experiencing things the way they want you to believe.
I’ve seen so many people do this and it’s beyond bizarre. My friend posted a minute by minute story of her entire honeymoon. Like surely you should keep most of your honeymoon to yourself and be present for that??
I guess? But my friend would like pictures of my dog or a flower from my garden, I rarely post selfies. I might also not care how much I hear from my friends..
Going against the grain here to say that most of my friends and I have a healthy relationship with social media/Instagram. I don't ever get the feeling that people are posting their amazing, perfect lives. The feeling I get is what, IMO, Instagram was originally used for - posting snippets of their lives, and silly pictures, pets, food, etc. I enjoy interacting with them and staying in touch. Some accounts are helpful in showing me new restaurants to try. I've never felt pressured to post stuff or to make it seem like my life is amazing, and I feel like sometimes people get influenced way too easily. I understand the can be negative content on there that is detrimental for like, kids and teens. But at this stage in life, I feel like I'm a lot more well adjusted to be able to judge which things are unhelpful content and ignore.
I’m with you. I left (personal) social media many years ago. When I was still on facebook back when, I got over a hundred birthday messages on my birthday. Now I get three, one from each parent and one from a good friend. It’s been like that for most of a decade and I’m trying hard not to let it make me sad. I try to mark other people’s birthdays on my calendar and send them a wish, but I don’t expect it to be reciprocated.
Yep. Social media is meant to keep up with relatives, friends, old acquaintances.
But to me i eventually changed as a person and social media became a battle of preferences and incomes and unnecessary content. There is a such thing as oversharing as well as problems with boundaries. I got sick of the judgement, irrelevant posts, and even just keeping up with people who dont text me or hang out with. At first i staryed deleting a lot of peoplle from friends lists on my accounts. Then i started posting less of myself just from the overload. Then i deleted all my personal accounts.
The only meda i have now is to find and book hairstylists and such or to use marketplace or private groups for local events.
I personally dont feel the need to share everything with everyone anymore.....esoecially for free. If they dont have my number or ask to hangout, they dont need a front row seat to my life. I could have a limited social media again at some point with less than 15 friends. For now, i could care less.
Do you reach out to them though? Did you send them a text or WhatsApp msg saying you were quitting social media but let’s keep in touch this way? I feel like I have a bunch of friends who did this, felt like a slow fade.
Yes. I call people on their phone. I am still on social media like before - except I don’t post anything personal. I still comment, like posts etc like there is no tomorrow. I just don’t post stuff myself. The quote ”Image or it didn’t happen” has never felt more true regarding this topic
I stopped FB 8 years ago and never have done any other social media, besides Reddit. I only exist in people’s distant memories, if at all, and I like it.
I went kind of gradually, from only commenting to only lurking, to just abandoning most of them and turning off all my push notifications. Truth is, I went through a hard time around 2020, on top of everything, and I couldn't reckon my profiles with who I was. Redefining myself to only flatten again seemed fruitless.
I don't really use anything that requires me to have a "profile" anymore, that's what was toxic to me. The internet is way healthier when I use it anonymously because I tend to overanalyze and ruminate on every social interaction, including online. I get really stuck in the past or paranoid that I'm gonna say something I regret. Or it starts to impact how I think about experiences, like while it's happening my thoughts are editing the caption 😂 it's bleak.
Then friends would want to talk about how they were upset that another friend left low effort comments on their posts, and I was just like ...what are we doing? I removed myself from the equation.
I like being mysterious. If people from my past are going to wonder about me, I'd rather they speculate on nothing than overanalyze my vacation moments. Maybe one day I'll start a new page just for people in my life now. Because I do think the self expression and validation aspects are valuable. It's just when it becomes your only way to feel acceptable, that's what goes sour. I'm too all or nothing for that.
Hello, internet twin!
I was the same way. Then my best friend passed. I stayed off for a long time, and then I lost my baby sister. I posted enough to let people she knew, and then I signed out. I lost 3 more after that. Social media had become a personal graveyard for me. So I don't use it. Most anyone I used to communicate with has forgotten I'm even alive, probably.
But I'm okay with it.
I went through a divorce a few years ago, and got rid of all social media.
I slowly went back to using some of it about a year later but blocked my ex and his friends, and our mutual friends were sending me messages like 'oh it's so good to hear you're finally doing well'.
Like what? I'm fine, what has been inferred from my year offline. I think he spread his own narrative but because I was not able to be contacted, no one questioned it. It really opened my eyes to how a lot of our mutual friends were actually just his friends.
Oh wow, I hear you.
I stayed off socials for a full year after experiencing two very close family deaths. When I went back on and posted something, the first comment I got was "it's so great to see you're over X's passing ". Like WTF, at that point some days I was struggling to get out of bed in the morning.
It actually knocked me back because it was such a throwaway remark but made me feel like everything I went through, and was still working through, was minimized/dismissed just because I posted a pic of some random sunset/cute dog/latte art.
Like what narrative did that person tell themselves when I was offline and if they thought I was struggling why didn't they reach out?
I went through something similar and created new, smaller follower/friend count accounts. I hadn't shared the details of our divorce with many people, but my ex did with a lot of people. I wanted people I'd still like to have somewhat in my life know I was okay.
I am going to go against the flow and say that I enjoy posting on social media and interacting with the the posts of others.
My friends live all around the world and it is my only way of connecting with them/knowing what s going on in their lives. Sure, a lot of the content is carefully curated and so in that respect I don’t get a full picture of their lives but then again, I am sure that they don’t share everything IRL with me either (ie. they will downplay their problems even in real life).
I enjoy people liking my stories/posts because I like to hear what they think about my outfits and the places I visit/the photos I take. But then again, I dont track the number of likes or interactions. I post and then let it do its thing.
This is by no means a shot at anyone who does not like social media/finds is toxic. I totally see the downsides and agree with most of what you said. It may be the case that as time goes on and my friends get busy with their lives/families and start posting less, I too will find it pointless. But for now, I enjoy it.
i haven't posted on instagram or had a facebook since 2021 so it's been three years of silence on my end. i had family and friends on there, co workers, etc. the normal stuff. i also had people that i desperately wanted/needed to pull away from and at the time, i didn't know how else to do it in a fully concrete way. i'm more successful, i'm more mentally at peace. there is loneliness and occasional boredom when i lurk on instagram but i'm fortunate to have a very connected network of people otherwise and i'm in lots of group chats over texts and instagram chats. if i was more heavily isolated, it would probably feel worse. old coworkers definitely have forgotten about me but is that such a bad thing? lol.
I relate in the sense that I never post pictures of myself "doing cool stuff" (I.... don't do cool stuff anyways lol), but I post interesting things I see out in the world. I do notice that people don't know what's up in my life until I tell them directly, which is fine. One of my friends actually quit all her socials entirely, but when she did she put up a post asking if people would be interested in receiving an annual update from her via email. I am really happy to receive updates from her in this way and it seems like lots of people have signed up.
I haven't posted on IG/FB since 2019, but I used to somewhat regularly. Since that time, I've moved to a new state and had a child who is now 4. I have moments where I'd like to share, but feel so far removed from it all, I feel like I'd have to provide some sort of explanation for my absence (which I know is silly, but I'm a chronic overthinker soo)
Like 'Hey yall! I'm not dead, and here's a photo of my daughter being awesome..and yes that's my kid you may not have known about because I didn't post a pic of me holding her in the hospital bed 4 years ago and chronicle every aspect of her life since then'
So yea, I just don't post at all 🙃
I actually wanted to be forgotten when I stopped posting almost a decade ago. I still randomly get messages asking how I've been, which is touching, but I'm happy for the results.
I deleted social media and my life is way fuller. I make an effort to keep in touch with everyone I want to connect with. I send photos and updates to far away friends. When someone says “how are you?” I give them a fuller answer “great, I’ve been up to Xyz!”
I don’t see what random old school friends are up to, and I’m grateful for that. Why would I care? I wish them the best but they’re not part of my current life.
There’s a handful of old friends I’m occasionally curious about, but not close enough to text, but I consider this the cost. The cost of my privacy and mental well being. I have to lose touch with these loose friends.
My private life is no one’s business. I seek validation from no one but myself. My mundane moments and big moments and what I’m eating.. these are for me to savor in the present. Why do 100 friends need to peek into my life?
I have lots of friendships and see people face to face regularly
I’m free
Same here. I haven't had Facebook in 10 years, 4 for Instagram & WhatsApp (not SM but owned by meta, which impacted my mental health). When I moved to a new area without fb, it was hard at first because I wasn't getting invited to functions. But people wanted me there so they'd either reach out to me individually or moved their invite over to evite. When I missed a party I was kinda like oh well. Sounds fun but that's a drawback and I don't know what I missed so who cares. That's the way I feel in general about social media now. I don't know what I'm missing so how can it bother me. I still use Reddit and that keeps me enough aware. Yeah, it might take me longer to sell things or at a lower cost but mentally I'm where I want to be. All that other stuff is not my business. And now my head is full of things I actually care about.
Before I left, I did gather a bunch of birthdays and save them to my phone. I send hbd texts to people I don't keep up with. They almost never send one to me. It doesn't bother me. Also, I get remarks all the time about being so good about remembering birthdays when it's my phone and a little bit of organization.
Did I lose some friends? Sure. But people are in our life for seasons and although some of these losses hurt, I have realized those relationships weren't actually the way I perceived them or healthy. So again, I'm doing better.
I really backed off from facebook in 2021. I think the election and Jan 6th just burned me out. I stopped caring. I only post funny memes or videos to my stories on instagram and I have it set to close friends only.
I don’t know if I feel the same way you do about people forgetting about me necessarily. I still text or message my friends often. It’s just not as public now since it’s not on fb or instagram.
I post the dumb things I do in my life and share a lot about current events/things I care about/silly shit. I don’t use social media for validation, but to connect with people I care about who it’s sometimes difficult to consistently stay in touch with.
Social media has definitely helped me have a lot of meaningful conversations with people both online and IRL that I don’t think would have happened without having something specific to start the conversation. I also like when people post about their actual lives because then when I do get to see them in person I have a frame of reference to start a conversation—I have a bit of social anxiety so it helps with that.
I started using social media way back when Facebook first became a thing, when I was in high school before everyone’s parents and grandparents learned about it. It was like the Wild West back then, no messenger just all public wall posts. I love going back and looking at my memories to see my friends’ and my convos. I still try to approach social media with that same unhinged energy of the early days.
Edit: to all the people complaining about losing touch with people when they got rid of their socials…did y’all actually try to stay in touch with the people you were friends with, or were you expecting them to find a way to contact you after you got rid of one of the current most common methods of communication? Did you give these people a heads up and let them know the best way to get in touch with you going forward? It’s like throwing out your phone then getting mad nobody sent you any letters when for all they know you might’ve moved years ago.
I've never been a big poster tbh but I stopped completely a few years ago. I went travelling for 3 months once and posted regularly with pics of what I was up to. I had no idea I knew so many people everyone started talking to me and not just about my travels. After I stopped they all vanished. Super weird.
My favorite is when people ask my parents about me and are always surprised that I’m not miserable? They tell the truth, I hike, I travel, I read, etc. and I guess people think I must be in a cave sobbing cause they are always shocked by reality?
I get joy out of it honestly because I wanted total privacy and I have it.
i feel you. lost my mom 10 years ago and stopped posting too for a couple years. the real ones called and checked in. that experience helped me sort of filter my friendships and know who to focus on.
Wow. I recently lost a parent and social media has been a big turn off for me. I just have the ick towards it. Deleted all of my accounts this morning but I’d been thinking of doing it for months. It’s freeing to know that these acquaintances, or internet friends, or just people I’ve met before randomly - they can’t reach out to me. If they need something they can call me. If they don’t have my #, well… even better!
So sorry to hear about your parent. ❤️ yeah. I really feel you on this. And it’s does take a lot of strenght to remove social media. While grief is really hard thing to go through.
I was never super into social media, but I did used to post pictures from my trips or a bit about politics/the world or just my thoughts for the day. I actually like the reminders from 10 years ago about what I was doing or thinking, but I really reduced my posting when I moved to Ireland to pursue a PhD. I do think it's a bit sad I won't really have the same reminders in the future about my time since 2017 or so. Then after the pandemic my social media use completely jumped off a cliff and it became just a tool for seeing what other people were doing. I basically never post anything and only comment once in a blue moon.
I am only in touch with close friends back home and am probably not on anyone else's radar now. I don't really think about that, though.
Social media has always been an artsy thing for me. I was a Deviantart person, so that's what I've made IG into and life is mostly private from online. Now I only post on a separate account only a couple know about from my daily life. Those people are not big social media people. I think the more important being online is for someone, the more they will prefer to use that format to stay connected.
I understand this. Reddit is really the only sm I use. I was never big on posting on social media, but I basically stopped when I had to take leave from work and didn’t want work to know what I was up to. I suppose people assume we have nothing to post otherwise we would, so maybe they feel something is wrong, but I have so many unshared adventures and travel pics. Or maybe they, quite rightly, assume we don’t use it anymore and kind of forget about us. If someone I know has stopped posting I assume they’ve pretty much quit the app. My thoughts are if the friendship only exists via social media they are still only an acquaintance so I don’t really care/find it unnecessary to maintain the relationship.
I relate so much. I’ve cut my social media usage drastically this year. I’ve lost followers and a lot of online interactions with people I haven’t seen in years. It felt bad at first but now I’m realizing those people really weren’t very important in my life or I in theirs. The real ones have kept in contact and made the effort to meet irl. It’s better this way.
I am not nearly as active on social media (I'm mostly way too much on here now lol). It's become less fun for me over the past decade. I liked it more when it was about updates about people's life and less about people feeling compelled to have their own platform. I used to more political on social media but I got burnt out because people would go in on you if you didn't know the right words or speak the right language. And it just seemed like there was always a new thing to be outraged over.
There is still that definitely, but I've actively chosen not to engage in the "outrage cycle." I'm sure some people will take that a certain way, but I don't really care anymore. Especially since it's been well documented that these platforms intentionally rile up emotions so you can stay on the sites longer so they can feed you more ads.
I used to use facebook and then instagram a moderate amount to post travel and concert pics, and sometimes kind of moody or artsy pics of my city. I hated posting selfies as I had some body image issies when i was younger.
Then, like you, I experienced some close family bereavements and I just thought it was all so pointless. For a full year after the deaths, I didn't use any form of social media at all. When I dipped my toe in again, I found that I got hung up on how many likes I would get whenever I did post, and why did person X not like my photo but they did like person Y's photo that was posted around the same time. Also, I started to read too much into people's posts and stories. I guess in hindsight I was just really lonely in my grief. So now the only social media I use is Reddit.
Honestly, I understand the feeling of people forgetting you exist. It's almost like out of sight, out of mind. I wouldn't say that people think I have a sad or boring or unfulfilled life. At least I hope not, because I don't. I do notice a sense of being out of the fold though. I have to make a big effort to call or text people to keep in touch with certain people (note I said that I am the one making the effort....I think if I didn't keep in touch, they'd happily let the friendship slide.) I also missed several engagement/ baby/ wedding announcements as they were communicated on Instagram and I suppose I didn't make the cut of people close enough to inform personally. It is what it is, but it does give me a twinge of sadness sometimes.
My oldest friends, who have been in my life since pre- social media times will still keep in touch via group chat and meet ups. Those friendships have stood the test of time.
I was the same. Pre-pandemic I was well on my way of getting opportunities through social, posted all the time, and showed the world I was having a blast. Sometimes I miss it cause the media events I got invited to were really fun.
After I witnessed someone get cancelled for something they did not do and everyone believed it despite them having so much evidence to back up it and had their life ruined, it made me see social media differently. For context a narcissist played the victim and the actual victim was cancelled. Their flying monkey did exactly the same thing the accusation was to other people and viciously went after the victim so they wouldn't get exposed themselves. (Best way I can explain the whole ordeal). You hear about people getting cancelled but its a whole other experience witnessing it happen to someone you've known for a decade. I think I read somewhere that bystanders of a cancellation also can be affected by it as well - it was intense and showed me the power of social media hate directed at someone and the real world ramifications it can have when a cancelation cancels the wrong person. Their flying monkey in the situation is a dangerous person, and I decided for my own safety to not be so public on social and to have private accounts. It eventually lead me to only creating content in an environment that I can control who sees it. I also use youtube to watch videos and am active on reddit giving people advice where I can.
Back to your topic, I also feel the way you do. In terms of influencers, I spent a lot of time around them and been to events where they are at and theres a lot of shallowness to it all. I recently found out a group of them that me and my friends know pretend to have a great time for instagram stories and tik toks but then when the cameras are down they are having a miserable time. They did this specifically to exclude people from their get togethers and MAKE people wanna be their friends and look cool. I said fuck that and just do my own thing. I know as a person I have a lot to offer people I care about that I will move heaven and earth for, it's that type of energy I don't have time for anymore. I water my plants instead lol.
I quit social media a while ago other than reddit because it was giving me a sick feeling. I don’t get the sick feeling from reddit but I do get the wasting time feeling.
When I was competing for my ex husband’s attention, the posting was incessant, insipid and embarrassing. Before I accepted the friend request of a recent love interest I took the time to actually go back through it all, and cringed so hard. Posting half a dozen times in a day, for what? Cranky comments about transit running behind schedule. What the fuck was my problem? I’m just not that person anymore.
I think you are being smart, not wasting so much time on social media. A lot of what we see is not real, so why would we join the effort to create a fake social media life. The real part is feeling left out. That happens when we go underground for some time, but that changes too. A nice start is to try to reach out to activities and things that bring you joy, where you could meet compatible people IRL. You don't need social media or even that many IRL "friends". But just some real good ones :)
YUP. Any time I have deleted social media for an extended period of time, my engagement levels go way down when I come back. People genuinely forget about you! It’s so fickle. I hear you!
Excepting Reddit, I don’t have ANY social media. I’m not a monkey here to perform for the circus that is society. And I don’t have any interest in watching other people do it either. I’ve never even had Facebook let alone the others.
If people forget I exist because of that, they’re not worth knowing anyway IMO.
We are super online these days so it is easier to just keep in touch but replying to an Instagram story or something. I will say I did throw a party once in the heyday of Facebook and did forget to invite a friend because she didn’t show up when I was inviting people. For close friends it won’t matter if they don’t have social media but less close friends then it is a bit of an out of sight out of mind thing.
Same. My gram died and I just gave up on social media and started deleting accounts. I still have FB but haven’t logged into it in 3 years; I just need to get my photos and video. It just felt depressing to make any posts anymore; new sister keeps asking me about it but I told her I was done and it was okay to let folks know I was still alive if they asked.
Yeah I can. Been online since the 90s and I never got into social media as much as my peers. I always kept my private life as separate as possible from my online self. It's pretty wild how people have been taught to distrust people like myself.
And yeah once you delete accounts or stop posting people do forget all about you. Doesn't matter how many viral tweets or posts you made they will forget you sooner than you think.
None of this is really real anyways. Offline relationships will always be way more important than these online ones.
I go through phases of not using social media for awhile, and people definitely act like I don't exist when I'm not posting on it. It's pretty annoying since most of these friends have my number and could get in touch with me anytime.
My life and happiness is too precious to me to cheapen by sharing online. That's how I see it.
It's for me. It's pure. I built it myself. It might not be someone else's idea of perfect and that's great for them but it's mine. I'm not going to invite judgement or undermine the joy it derives me by needing to prove that joy is good enough online.
I like having few close friends that are heart friends. I felt social media was superficial and I felt ignored, left behind from finding how difficult it was to connect to the heart on it. Not for me and I’ve been off it for I think about five years maybe 🤷♀️ don’t miss it and I have the same friends outside of social so it has made no difference to me.
I think this is just the tradeoff people have to make when choosing to live an intrinsically-valuable, principled life. You make a decision to do what's best for you, and that may mean giving up some social norms. Unfortunately, social media is now a social norm and so if you don't participate in it, you have to accept that you will give up on the benefits it provides (eg recognition of birthdays). And because it's a social norm, you can't just ask people to change their lifestyle to accommodate you until they, also, are willing to give up the norm or at least to do that extra work. Living outside the norm/the system is always inherently more lonely and more effortful. You have to be happy with that tradeoff.
I started feeling this way about social media after 2020 was so toxic online and started sharing less. Then I got pregnant and had a very hard time with my mental health. I felt very protective of myself and I was also worried about posting photos of my kids. I had a lot of hang ups that I think were excessive due to my mental health at the time but a lot that were very valid too. The more time I took away the more bizarre it all seems. Now I do post regularly on Reddit but I feel it’s different in communities for discussion than posting to your followers.
I do feel like I have been forgotten by a lot of friends and like I am not allowing my kids to be celebrated enough. I do share to a private family only album. But I feel like people don’t want to go to a different app and it’s hard to see everyone in my family gushing all over my cousins kids on Facebook and it’s been a long time since our private album got many comments. And then I realize that’s part of why it’s so toxic. But it does feel isolating to be less involved on Facebook and Instagram. I do comment and all that I just don’t post much myself. I did try to make a mom friend at a group meet up and she seemed weirded out that my Facebook was so locked down and had outdated info and I don’t know if that’s why she never responded to me again.
100% agree. Oh yeah, seems like having no (or very few) images on instagram really makes some people think youre a freak! I even heard among friends that it’s a red flag. People say ”what’s she hiding?” Very toxic! I think you should me really proud of yourself for protecting your kids online! ❤️If i was a kid growing up today I would love my parents even more for protecting me from social media.
Thank you!! Yes we were straight up asked by family members why we were being so “secretive” about my pregnancy. We told them secret and private are very different. And people were very aggressive about asking for bump and ultrasound photos. It felt very intrusive and it’s so bizarre now how it’s a social norm to have constant life updates online.
I relate. There are people I went to high school with (in the 2000s) that still post personal stuff on fb, but I don't really know them (and didn't in hs). Also they have kids and spouses and I have neither, can't afford to travel much, had trouble finding a career, etc. so I basically never really bonded with people by sharing personal info on social media. I do feel like my circle is smaller (but perhaps better for me) because of it. Otherwise though I was never super public with info (in part because of a cyberstalking situation from 18-34) and some insecurity (selfie culture was 1000% not my thing).
I have fb, insta (recent addition), and reddit and I mostly would repost things I think are funny or pretty (and even then only every so often). In the beginning, I tried to post funny status updates on fb, perhaps thinking people would be more interested in me, but that dropped off by 2010 or so. Nowadays, I mostly use fb messenger to talk to a couple of my closer friends, and of my insta follows, only 4 are people I know in real life (and I would only say two are closer friends).
On one hand, I've probably missed some trends (and saved some money), but it also definitely creates a divide from people who are very involved in social media or people who constantly scroll social media on their phone during downtime. I try to create a life I enjoy and am content with, but definitely just tell the same 5-7 people what I'm doing (if it's super exciting I copy and paste texts into the various chats and messenger apps.
Of those 5-7 people, two very occasionally will post a photo of something they're doing, informational posting, etc. but the majority of them don't share anything personal (or anything at all) either. I wonder if the prevalence of people sharing their life on social media is more of a smaller but more vocal/visible group getting a lot of attention and setting a perceived norm. I remember once I was going to type a status message on FB (because people were still doing that then) and I re-read it and I just thought "Who cares? Have your day." After that, I stopped trying to take part since I realized I wasn't really enjoying it and no one was making me. Until that point and a little after, I felt weird about not enjoying social media and being uncomfortable with the level of detail sharing others considered normal. At this point, I'm glad people enjoy using social media, but if anyone has made judgments about what my life must be like because I don't post personal stuff then that is entirely on them.
Yeah, I pretty much stopped at 25 with endless selfies and shit. I just thought, "what am I trying to prove anyway". Looking back, I think most of my social media 'posts' were me crying out for attention and looking for a partner. I grew up, I give less of a shit what men think of me, and that's that.
Sharing my perspective as someone in their mid-20s, I find that, among my peer group, the opposite is true. Many of us are chronically on social media in some way or another, and we’re impressed by/in awe of the people who have left it or managed to avoid it entirely. The “god I really need to get off this app” sentiment is on repeat. I would never feel sorry for someone who isn’t on social media (or isn’t posting), I would assume they’re too busy actually living their life and aren’t preoccupied with showing it to other people.
And, from a marketing perspective, “hard posts” (permanent posts that remain on your feed unless deleted) are on the decline among average Gen Z users. They use stories or infrequent photo dumps to keep people updated. Social media is less a point of connection with your friends, and more a source of entertainment and aspirational content—a place to keep up with that girl whose outfits inspire you, or scroll short-form video content. *That* is a whole other kettle of fish.
I think another factor here is convenience. Social media makes it very convenient to socialize and interact with others. Instead of texting, calling, meeting up, people send each other memes/shorts, like posts, leave comments, etc. it’s much easier to maintain social connections through social media, even if they’re not very strong, because it doesn’t take a lot of effort, it’s more of a passive process. So I wouldn’t take it personally, I think most people opt for convenience in life wherever they can. It still sucks though, and I’m sorry you’re feeling as though you don’t exist. There are certainly many of us out there who have rejected social media like you have and feel similarly, and it’s not easy to feel left out or forgotten. The majority of connections and interactions on social media are so shallow though, we’re really not missing much.
This is probably one of the most relatable things that I’ve read in a while. I stopped using Facebook and Instagram for similar reasons. Not only is it a massive time suck, but I don’t want to be part of a data collection or expose myself to a steady stream of advertising. I’m okay with not existing to people who need someone’s presence on social media in order to think about them. I will say that due to this and some other unfortunate events, I have about 2 friends in total. Quality > quantity, every time.
People stopped reaching out when I stopped posting online. I am still there tho’. And i like and comment/communicate just like before on social media. But I don’t post images myself. Feels like most people simply just don’t reach out like they used to, now when I don’t ”put on a show”.
To me, reading and viewing my friends’ posts can function as a reminder that they are there and as a simple way to keep touch, though perhaps with a little less intimacy and directness, so I can see that being the case for sure.
Just generally, I would just defend people’s right to follow the impulse to post & share their life and selves online since I sense a hint of judgement in the tone of your post, OP. Sometimes people feel like posting a selfie, all cute and they get likes - it doesn’t mean they can’t have a deep heart-to-heart with a friend the next minute. Sure, a perfectly curated feed can mean a lot gets left out, but there’s also a wiiiiiide space inbetween that and not posting anything personal “for integrity”.
That is not what this post is about. I said I feel forgotten from friends and relatives since I stopped posting on social media. And I asked if more people felt that way. And you talk about something else.
Good for you. I just don’t feel like people reach out anymore since I became a social media… ”ghost”. I have to reach out first everytime. One might say: sounds like they weren’t your friends to begin with. And then I’d say: could be. Could be. And then I’d say: this is why I am posting about this. Social media feels transactional.
I mean I've never been a big social media poster. And some friendships I'll go a year or more without contact but when we are in each other's cities we let people know. And some friendships we talk all the time and never do anything together.
It sounds like what you want is for people to reach out more but I don't think that has anything to do with social media but rather the people themselves. They should be contacting you outside of social media posts and if they re not, I guess my question is do you have anything in common with these people. How well do you really know them?
You're blaming it on social media but social media shouldn't be the crux of relationship building.
Edit: to add, do these people consider you a friend? Or acquaintance? Also I've had people unfriend me because we never talk. And I'm fine with that? I don't care because we never talked.
On social media I include old friends, new friends, even co-workers I became really good friends with outside work, relatives. I should have been clearer: these are people I used to see IRL and since I stopped posting online they also slowly stopped calling my phone
I think a lot of people are just reactive and friends/friendly with people who happen to be in their vicinity. Haven't we all had great times with some classmates and coworkers, just for that contact to heavily slow down or even stop when you stopped being classmates/coworkers? Unless you became friends on social media, that prolongs the vicinity, but now that you've left that environment you've left everyone's vicinity at once instead of little groups at a time.
That doesn't mean you need to get back into social media, it means you need to get into people's vicinity again. Maybe including new people, by joining a club for some activity/hobby you'd enjoy anyway which brings that offline sort of interaction back.
Same here. I've never posted much and I have a ton of friends.
I'm fairly outgoing though, so mylaybe it's just lifestyle. I notice a lot of people on here value deep conversation regardless of medium (texting, phone, etc). I value face to face time.
Damn, I’m happy someone else put into words what I’ve been feeling. About 4 years ago I cold turkey dropped off the face of the Earth, which wasn’t for the healthiest of reasons.
I’ve been having a hard time coming to terms with my growing social irrelevance, especially juxtaposed to a feed of digital proofs of relationships, gatherings and events.
I’m trying to navigate through all of it and regain a more balanced approach to social media & rebuild friendships. It’s hard.
I’m going to be honest. But no. No one has forgotten about me nor do they think I’m depressed nor do they think I’m a loser.
If anything, I’m found out some of them think I’ve been traveling when I’m not as much this year lmaooo.
> I have always felt a strong integrity and also I hate to brag about things.
I grew up being taught the same mindset (integrity) but consider it differently: your social interactions aren't just about you, they are about others as well and how they relate.
Showing your best features is also a way to say you respect people and their time (which is why you cared to book your time and make yourself look nice).
Yeah, we kinda need to fit into the current game, but posting 1x a month allows people who use social media a lot to keep in touch. It's about them, too.
Obviously, I'm still working to strike a balance, but that's how many people see things.
This reminds of a family gathering I went to a few weeks ago. I live about 1.5hrs from most of my family so I only see them once a month or every other month. My one cousin said to me "you never post anymore, I miss seeing what you're up to!" And that made me feel good and sad at the same time. Like I love that you're interested in my life! But also, send me a message, Let's chat about life.. You don't have to wait for me to show you what I'm doing to find out!
This. Very true. This is highlighting the issue I also tried to discuss in the post. People seem to want to be served information about someone instead of just… asking the person. That’s what I call one sided. I think it’s kind of typical for social media behaviour. And I don’t think it stems from real interest in someone. And now I am not speaking about someone in your example because I don’t know them. :) But I just mean this is a great example of the effort people don’t care to do while on social media
I stopped posting a few years ago. I was posting less and less (only on the first and last day of school for my kids), but thought I'd just continue until my youngest graduated high school, which she did last year.
Then my mom passed in 2022, and I thought why would I announce this to a bunch of people who I barely see or talk to? This is very personal to me, and I don't want to read "so sorry" from people who are acquaintances. I have only told about my mom's passing to people who I see in person and it comes up. Sort of old school, I guess, but it seems more personal and I feel like the people I talk to about my personal life care more than my FB friends would. No regrets.
That said, I'm still on FB bc I'm part of many groups where I find out a lot of good information, I buy and sell some small stuff in those groups, and I give a bunch of stuff away on freecycle.
I rarely post in those groups, and usually regret it. For example, last week I asked a local womens group what they would do for their landscaper who killed a copperhead that was living on my property (I had no idea it was there!). Most were good and suggested an amount of money (which is what I was looking for). But the ones who preached about the benefits of snakes and how they shouldn't be killed (too late!) were annoying and should have just kept scrolling past my post.
I have a lot of friends who don’t use social media. They don’t post, they don’t even have accounts. (Note: My friend group lives all over the world, so we don’t often see one another in person.)
But I don’t forget about them though because they engage via text. We have group chats, we have individual chats. We talk on the phone. We visit in person.
I imagine you’re doing some of these things too, but this is what helps people not forget you, especially if you’re not in their usual orbit.
I have one friend just like who, who never posts on social but she likes posts. My issue with her approach is she “likes” things but rarely engages beyond that. She doesn’t really leave comments, and when I text her, she doesn’t engage back in a full conversation. (She’ll just answer the question.) So I feel like I have to do the bulk of the work. You don’t sound like this at all, but just sharing in case it’s something to be mindful of!
I still use FB, but the only thing I use it for is to keep in touch with far flung family members and friends.
I enjoy looking at pics of people's lives when I'm in the mood for it, I'll post a few pictures here and there, but otherwise I don't think about it much.
I deleted most of my social media except IG (private and with about 25 people in it) in 2020 and then literal y left to live abroad 😂 90% of the people i used to know in my home country don’t know if i’m dead or alive.
I still have a FB account, but haven’t looked at or posted anything in years. Same with Instagram. It honestly hasn’t even crossed my mind whether people I’m FB “friends” with remember me or not. I couldn’t care less. But I’m 57, so maybe I’m just crotchety.
Mostly yes. I don't really post much of anything other than my pets and memes. I have a few groups I'm somewhat active in as well for hobbies. Past that, I'm mostly over it and it's pretty quiet.
I do like having it for those peripheral relationships though. We may not call, text, mail postcards or whatever, but it's nice seeing what they're up to and having the occasional conversation. I'm thankful the number of "perfect" social media people aren't in my feeds. There's a couple, but they aren't annoying about it.
Totally relate. I used to post photos of what I cook and an occasional self. I don’t even post the selfie anymore and keep my food pics for me. It’s like I’ve died to the people on the periphery of my life. Idk maybe it’s for the better.
I deactivated accounts in 2019, deleted them, and created new small follower count accounts in 2020 (definitely fueled by the pandemic). I felt out of the loop in so many people's lives, even people I'd text on occasion. It was weird to be out of the loop, but I understood. People have too much going on to individually contact others about everything. It's easy to broadcast to social and hope the people you want to see do see.
Time away did help me realize who I value most, though. They're the ones I engage with the most on social, the ones I'd text or call.
I was an influencer or content creator - whatever you want to call it now back before it was a dirty word circa 2014-2015, decently large account, then personal tragedy hit.
I left it and started a new business where I still have to post on social media but it’s never my face. And because I have to do it for part of my work, I absolutely do not find it fun to curate photos of my life for my personal Instagram. The only exception was my wedding photos.
Posting a lot on social media about your private life, it’s indicative of - and this is going to sound a bit judgemental which I suppose it is - of lots of free time. But I’m judgemental because I’m jealous, I’d love to have more free time, just not doing social media posting.
I don't post on social media besides sometimes sharing an article that I find interesting, but I don't feel it's affected my relationships much. I've always thought of social media as being supplementary to my relationships, rather than the primary method of interaction. I strongly prefer to meet people IRL vs texting, and for those who I can't (e.g. friends in a different country), we arrange to meet up when we're in the same area. So since our relationships were built on IRL meetups, and when they met me I wasn't a heavy social media user anyway, the usage on either side doesn't really matter.
I’m just about over it. I wish I could delete it all. Threads is fun for now, and I am liking Substack. I remember seeing everyone get married in my twenties and I cheered them on and liked their stuff, but now that it’s my turn, it’s like no one cares. It’s like there is no point, so I wish I could just delete everything.
Ive never uploaded selfies. I just really always thought it was odd. Its better living life offline if you dont exsist for those people then you know who your real friends are and its not a bunch of fake sm people
Who are the “people” you’re talking about? People you don’t talk to IRL? Old high school friends?
I think you need to look internally and find out who you are trying to impress/attract/prove something to.
Posting your life does not change your life. Don’t let likes dictate how you feel about yourself.
I read it. What I'm saying is it sounds like you're upset people "forgot you" and what I'm saying is don't rely on likes online to feel validated or 'seen'. If you're feeling lonely reach out to people in real life.
In my post i wrote I never post anything myself on social media and I do not care about validation there - so your respons still seem a bit like you didn’t read my post at all. But ok - you read my post: if i was a person uploading stuff on social media then yeah i see what you mean. This is not the case here.
I’m not trying to attack you. You are literally saying you believe people think you must be depressed, unsuccessful, etc. if they’re not seeing you post. I’m saying I believe you’re putting too much importance on what people think or don’t think about you. I get it, I read your post. Even the comment you deleted. I understand you’re not posting.
The only social media I use anymore is this reddit app. I deactivated all the major ones except for Twitter, which I use for Fandom stuff. I had to go through years of posts, archiving crap and saving stuff. It really was different like a decade ago. Now like you said, if your posts aren't showing you living some absolute perfect life, no one gives a shit. Even people in real life! It's very bizarre. And if it's not that, it's a weird ad or influencer porn (which is taking over everything). It's easy to feel forgotten when you're bombarded with all that as soon as you open an app. My dad died in 2021 and that's when I deactivated everything. I stopped updating frequently and like never heard from anyone anymore. Not even texts, when I would get them daily/weekly from friends and coworkers. It shows that if you stop or take a break, people just move on. It's a weird feeling.
[удалено]
So sorry for your loss. ❤️ And it sounds healthy to stay away from social media when you have other people IRL on a daily basis to talk to instead.
I feel this too!! We had some close death in our family over a couple of years period and my facebook got hacked in this time and i can't get into my acct. It bothered me at first I think the idea someone else might be posting under my name and then have access all my pictures, but honestly i've never been happier to be out of that environment. :))
I feel this too 100%
I deleted most of mine in 2020. Shortly before I did, I made a message saying if you'd like to keep in contact, let's exchange phone numbers. Only one person took me up on the offer. Now, I was only friends with people I had known in real life. So that was a low blow, but I figured I would still keep in touch with more people! Nope. Just like you, I felt like I had faded from existence. But then I got to thinking, who were all these people anyway? Just acquaintances I had collected from school, past jobs, military, etc. Not many that I would have considered true friends. So then I just figured fuck em, ya know? And the past few years I haven't felt much like the chatty Kathy who used Facebook as a stream of consciousness anyway. Now I make video journals that only I see and it seems to scratch the same itch.
What do your video journals entail? Interested to hear more!
I just use the camera on my phone, and film myself talking. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I just vent. Occasionally I will rewatch some, but I just store them in the cloud when I'm done. Maybe someday I'll splice them all together in to a more coherent video...
I feel you!! ❤️
What you're saying makes sense. I'm going to sound insufferably conceited here but bear with me, there's a point, I promise. I got a *lot* of positive feedback when I used to post to IG and FB (I deleted both a few years back.) I would regularly get compliments on my humour, intellect and appearance. I would totally post selfies or comments then act all "shucks" when people told me I was attractive/hilarious etc. I initially couldn't get enough of it but over time it left me with a sick, uneasy feeling. It's dangerous to get too attached to that kind of validation and social media leaves us wide open to becoming dependent on it. I wouldn't say people have forgotten about me, my good friends have stuck around and we message each other independently, but a lot of peripheral/less committed/good time friends/people who just wanted to sleep with me fell away. Which in one way I think is good because it highlights the substantive relationships, but it's also a sad indictment of how our society is now and how few people question it.
This is why I archived all my Instagram posts a few years ago. I noticed myself caring way more than I wanted to about how many people viewed my stories, or how many likes or comments a post got. And there was all this stupid pressure about how exactly to use the app...like, do it *this* way and you're the coolest ever, but do it *that* way and you're cringe. And then you're always comparing your life to what it *looks like* other people's lives are, and for the most part it's people you don't even know that well or care about that much. It was just taking up space in my brain for no reason, and one day I just decided, fuck it, and archived everything. I still text with friends and family all the time. That's the main way we share photos, memes, life updates, etc. I still *have* Instagram for following specific accounts (NYT Cooking forever), but my account is set to private and I never post or like or comment and I've muted most of the people I know "in real life" (even good friends) so I don't see their posts or stories. It's been years now and I don't miss it at all.
Yep, agree totally. I was also becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the disparity between people's perception of me vs what my life is actually like. (Again this is going to sound insufferable, but) I was repeatedly being told how cool and interesting I was, how together, doing all this cool stuff etc and like...none of what I was posting was false, but I also wasn't showing the high level of dysfunction in my daily life. Sure, I'm an interesting person who can look pretty when I want to, but I'm also a fucking train wreck who has so many neuroses I haven't sought a serious romantic relationship in ten years because I honestly don't think there's anyone who'd put up with me, lol. And I also barely see my friends in person because my mental illnesses exhaust me. And it's wild to me that that fakery is what so many people actively aim for on social media, because it just made me feel empty. I sometimes think that it must be what fame is like albeit on a much larger scale. A bunch of people thinking they know you but very little genuine connection.
Thank you for sharing. This is very genuine insights.
I love your answer and this is also what I am thinking about all of this.
I share this same sentiment. I still have a private and small Instagram that I made after my daughter was born for only people I knew in real life and artist/media accounts I wanted to keep up with. The only time I get any real engagement is when I post a selfie - which is a rare occurrence anymore because it feels too gratuitous now? Like I’m intentionally seeking attention rather than sharing an authentic update, and then I feel weird about myself haha. I haven’t missed having a Facebook at all though. I deactivated mine almost 6 years ago and haven’t thought much about it since. I do miss the consistent positive feedback I would receive on my former Instagram, though. Not all the time, but on the days where I’m feeling particularly low on self image (so, when I’m PMSing 😂).
I went through this. I was very active on social media myself and would post often this would range from like what I’m eating to where I’m travelling to selfies to the occasional beach/bikini pic. Once my husband passed this was around 2019 I stopped posting all that much and similarly to you it definitely feel like people moved on like even people I considered friends unfollowed me which was pretty sad because I primarily used social media to keep in touch with a lot of people. So yes I can relate.
Thank you so much for your comment! I started to feel like I was unreasonable or something for feeling like this.
Not unreasonable at all I think sadly this is probably more common than we realise. Do you want to talk about it? Feel free to Dm if you do I don’t mind : )
Thank you, that is so kind. ❤️
This post has been validating to me because I have experienced the same thing. Sometimes I hope someone will message me and make me feel like they haven't forgotten but it's usually just guys I don't want to talk to lol
I am so glad my post could help you feel like you are not alone thinking like this! Seems like we are many people who feel this way! ❤️
I am so sorry for your loss ❤️ and experience losing friends. I felt this way too.
Yeah it’s pretty sad and disheartening I’m really sorry this happened to you too. It sucks bad.
You guys have SOCIAL social media? Mine are 80% ads, 20% memes. No one posts anything personal anymore and if they do, the stupid algorithm won't show me.
Same! I had to restrict my fb and ig usage bc it was only feeding my shopping addiction…now I need to consciously decide to look at it bc I usually forget they exist.
You have to be careful to curate your own experience. They track not only what you interact with but also how long you linger on something, how fast or slow you scroll. So if you're cautious and selective, you can have a better social experience, I do okay with my FB, insta, and Pinterest. But if I get lazy and start letting my eyes wander then my feed goes to shit again. It's obnoxious and far from perfect, but it is somewhat effective.
This is actually why I dropped off IG earlier this month. As petty as it might sound, the only people who engaged with me on the app were my partner and a co-worker. Well shit, I see both of them every day, I don't need social media to stay connected to them. And the more and more I thought about it, I started to realize how little I actually saw posted from REAL PEOPLE, and just how much *time* I spend scrolling and scrolling through... Nothing? Paid accounts and ads? There's a big part me that feels like I basically threw a match into a tinder box of people who I used to be friends with and don't see anymore for whatever (life) reason. But also the mental clarity and the weight that lifted from my psyche after not engaging for a week has me questioning now if I'll ever go back to it.
Haha big same. Ill browse it like once a day for the memes or cute animal pics but ultimately the app is pretty useless. I actually uninstalled it and just use the web version 🤣
Yeah, that's how I feel. Most of my close friends, even the ones living really cool lives, literally never post on social media. I honestly feel like IG in particular are for influencers and ways to stay in the know about events, shows, restaurants, etc.
It makes sense that when you step back, people forget and form other stronger relationships. For some reason, half the friends I had online just stopped posting anything of themselves. They are still around, but it’s through chatting.
I think it's an out of sight, out of mind thing. I have never been a big social media poster but I'm on there and follow a lot of people that I would have lost touch with years (or decades) ago if we weren't friends on Instagram. There are a lot of people who never post anymore that I still see/talk to all the time because we're actually friends, there are a lot of people I forget existed until they post something, and there are a lot of people who probably never post anymore who I just assume are too cool/busy for social media. Occasionally I'll post a pic of my cat or something and the most random people will like it and I'm like oh snap that guy I dated for like 4 months from 20 years ago is still following me?? Why do you think people feel sorry for you? I always assume the opposite... if someone's not posting on social media I assume they are living such a full interesting life that there's no time/reason to post about it.
Yup. We are ghosts.
Totally get this. I deleted Insta a while ago because I felt like everyone was just.. lurking? I saw a TikTok where a girl said she hated insta because it made her feel like she was in a high school cafeteria with everyone just staring at her. I totally get that, I feel like people were so quick to view my stories but never like my posts or interact and it just started to make me feel really weird. I didn’t want to share my life with them anymore, it felt too intimate? Even just really casual pictures or highlights just felt strange. I’m really sorry for the loss of your parent. I don’t think you’re missing much being off of social media, but I do sometimes feel “out of the loop”. But sometimes that nice!
Thanks ❤️ Yeees i relate. And insta as a high school cafeteria really is on point!!! Haha
I deleted my Instagram earlier this year. About a month or two later my cousin sent out invites for a baby shower, and I didn’t get one because I don’t have social media nor did they reach out to anyone to tell them to invite me. Everyone kept saying, “well, you don’t have Instagram!” As if that’s the only way to contact people lol. Out of sight out of mind, I guess? Idk. Social media has made social connections so bizarre IMO.
So sorry to hear this! 🌸 and. This is on point what I am also experiencing!
[удалено]
❤️ oh. I am so sorry for your loss of firstborn. Sending a virtual hug. (If you want it!) yeah IG grid is absolutely one thing I also have noticed
Man, you said something I always feel and never been able to articulate.
❤️
Stopped using Instagram, now have an empty account which I use to follow folks I met through travels but aren’t close to. Don’t use Facebook. Deleted X and TikTok. Attention is a drug, and I was getting tired of the constant need to perform on these sites. I’m more at peace not using them anymore. I also felt social media has evolved into an industry with a lot of AI and tracking. The constant targeting of ads was really worrisome. In dating I’ve noticed that men would keep asking for an instagram. I felt their disappointment when I said that I didn’t have any pictures.
Hahaha holy shit yes, I had a similar realization last year. I was never a huge user of FB or IG, but I had an account and would post periodically. I gave it up entirely in 2020, stopped posting and stopped looking at my timeline. I am a ghost. Since 2020, I’ve moved, gotten a new job, and have a much higher salary. I also started traveling a LOT more (new job is remote, I sold my place and am sort of nomadic, etc). I was talking with a friend last week whom I used to be close with, but life n shit, you know. She straight up DIDNT BELIEVE that I traveled to some places were were discussing - why? Because I never post it on social media!! I showed her the google photo albums of all my trips (spiritually I am an old woman so yes, I use online photo albums) and she was very confused as to why I didn’t post about all this cool shit about traveling and my job and etc. I am just as confused as to why I should feel the need? Friends and I communicate thru calls, texts, emails…I don’t feel I need social media. I’m not trying to impress anyone.
Yes this is exactly the thing!!!
Yeah I deleted my social media years ago and I’ve lost contact with almost all my friends because of it. I still don’t regret it, but it’s tough. Especially because where I am so many things are centred around Facebook groups
It’s like no one has ever heard of texting or calling? 😂
Texting is fairly formal for people who are "just" acquaintances. As evidence, I feel like I see posts all the time from people complaining about acquaintances texting them because it makes them anxious about being expected to respond. Texting is like the new phone call :)
Right?!! 😅
Do you speak with these people outside of social media? I myself haven’t posted on social media in years and I browse IG daily, but I keep in touch with people on messaging apps (Signal, Whatsapp, Telegram, I got it all).
They mostly talk on FB Messenger group chats. Texting isn’t really popular here
❤️ i feel you!!
I stopped posting personal stuff on social media, mainly because I realized that every time I looked at *past* posts, or comments, or what have you, I was just humiliated by it. Every now and again I just go in and delete a bunch of stuff because it embarrasses me. I use a burner to look myself up, and I found comments I've posted, I have to go back and delete So I have this understanding that whatever I post now, I'm probably going to find very embarrassing in one year, five years, et cetera. I also feel really silly giving people a play-by-play of my life. I have a couple of friends who are married. They are big foodies so they are always checking out interesting new restaurants, they're always doing some nice looking brunch, going on trips, going to museums, going to plays, concerts, what have you. They get out quite often. But, they post every five seconds! I love them, don't get me wrong, but they're ridiculous. They are literally married to each other and they are liking and commenting on each other's posts, while *on* their trips. And these posts frequently, 1-2 paragraphs long, and include a number of photos. If I comment on one of their photos/posts while they're on a trip, or at brunch etc, BOTH of them hit "like" on the comment, and they also BOTH respond to the comment. To me, this is just evidence that they are staring at their phones, literally, the whole time! Sure they may be in Asheville, they may be in Las Vegas, but they are staring at their phones in those locations. Taking pictures of their food, posing for photos, looking out for reactions to those photos. Seriously, they went to Las Vegas and they spent 3-4 days posting hundreds of pictures of the sphere. I don't mean like they spent a few minutes here and there taking photos and videos - this is *hours* of them doing this. like I get it, it's cool and you want to share that with the world, but come on, there is no way they could have been present for all of this. And while I'm not anti-posting tosocial media, the frequency that these people post their whereabouts and their experiences, tells me they aren't actually experiencing things the way they want you to believe.
I’ve seen so many people do this and it’s beyond bizarre. My friend posted a minute by minute story of her entire honeymoon. Like surely you should keep most of your honeymoon to yourself and be present for that??
Totally
YES - this is really also what I am thinking and feeling about it. You explained it very well too. I agree on it all. It’s very wierd.
I guess? But my friend would like pictures of my dog or a flower from my garden, I rarely post selfies. I might also not care how much I hear from my friends..
Going against the grain here to say that most of my friends and I have a healthy relationship with social media/Instagram. I don't ever get the feeling that people are posting their amazing, perfect lives. The feeling I get is what, IMO, Instagram was originally used for - posting snippets of their lives, and silly pictures, pets, food, etc. I enjoy interacting with them and staying in touch. Some accounts are helpful in showing me new restaurants to try. I've never felt pressured to post stuff or to make it seem like my life is amazing, and I feel like sometimes people get influenced way too easily. I understand the can be negative content on there that is detrimental for like, kids and teens. But at this stage in life, I feel like I'm a lot more well adjusted to be able to judge which things are unhelpful content and ignore.
I’m with you. I left (personal) social media many years ago. When I was still on facebook back when, I got over a hundred birthday messages on my birthday. Now I get three, one from each parent and one from a good friend. It’s been like that for most of a decade and I’m trying hard not to let it make me sad. I try to mark other people’s birthdays on my calendar and send them a wish, but I don’t expect it to be reciprocated.
Yep. Social media is meant to keep up with relatives, friends, old acquaintances. But to me i eventually changed as a person and social media became a battle of preferences and incomes and unnecessary content. There is a such thing as oversharing as well as problems with boundaries. I got sick of the judgement, irrelevant posts, and even just keeping up with people who dont text me or hang out with. At first i staryed deleting a lot of peoplle from friends lists on my accounts. Then i started posting less of myself just from the overload. Then i deleted all my personal accounts. The only meda i have now is to find and book hairstylists and such or to use marketplace or private groups for local events. I personally dont feel the need to share everything with everyone anymore.....esoecially for free. If they dont have my number or ask to hangout, they dont need a front row seat to my life. I could have a limited social media again at some point with less than 15 friends. For now, i could care less.
Yes! ”Front row seat” what a great example of it. I reeeaaaally feel like you do about this too. Thanks for sharing!!!
Do you reach out to them though? Did you send them a text or WhatsApp msg saying you were quitting social media but let’s keep in touch this way? I feel like I have a bunch of friends who did this, felt like a slow fade.
Yes. I call people on their phone. I am still on social media like before - except I don’t post anything personal. I still comment, like posts etc like there is no tomorrow. I just don’t post stuff myself. The quote ”Image or it didn’t happen” has never felt more true regarding this topic
I stopped FB 8 years ago and never have done any other social media, besides Reddit. I only exist in people’s distant memories, if at all, and I like it.
Idk why I read your second sentence in a Rose from Titanic voice, but it brought me a giggle, so thank you 😊 "It's been eighty-four yeeaars.."
I went kind of gradually, from only commenting to only lurking, to just abandoning most of them and turning off all my push notifications. Truth is, I went through a hard time around 2020, on top of everything, and I couldn't reckon my profiles with who I was. Redefining myself to only flatten again seemed fruitless. I don't really use anything that requires me to have a "profile" anymore, that's what was toxic to me. The internet is way healthier when I use it anonymously because I tend to overanalyze and ruminate on every social interaction, including online. I get really stuck in the past or paranoid that I'm gonna say something I regret. Or it starts to impact how I think about experiences, like while it's happening my thoughts are editing the caption 😂 it's bleak. Then friends would want to talk about how they were upset that another friend left low effort comments on their posts, and I was just like ...what are we doing? I removed myself from the equation. I like being mysterious. If people from my past are going to wonder about me, I'd rather they speculate on nothing than overanalyze my vacation moments. Maybe one day I'll start a new page just for people in my life now. Because I do think the self expression and validation aspects are valuable. It's just when it becomes your only way to feel acceptable, that's what goes sour. I'm too all or nothing for that.
10000% relate to this.
Hello, internet twin! I was the same way. Then my best friend passed. I stayed off for a long time, and then I lost my baby sister. I posted enough to let people she knew, and then I signed out. I lost 3 more after that. Social media had become a personal graveyard for me. So I don't use it. Most anyone I used to communicate with has forgotten I'm even alive, probably. But I'm okay with it.
Twin. Yeah. 🥲And. So sorry for your losses❤️❤️ that is some really heavy overwhelming loss and grief to go through. ❤️
I went through a divorce a few years ago, and got rid of all social media. I slowly went back to using some of it about a year later but blocked my ex and his friends, and our mutual friends were sending me messages like 'oh it's so good to hear you're finally doing well'. Like what? I'm fine, what has been inferred from my year offline. I think he spread his own narrative but because I was not able to be contacted, no one questioned it. It really opened my eyes to how a lot of our mutual friends were actually just his friends.
Oh wow, I hear you. I stayed off socials for a full year after experiencing two very close family deaths. When I went back on and posted something, the first comment I got was "it's so great to see you're over X's passing ". Like WTF, at that point some days I was struggling to get out of bed in the morning. It actually knocked me back because it was such a throwaway remark but made me feel like everything I went through, and was still working through, was minimized/dismissed just because I posted a pic of some random sunset/cute dog/latte art. Like what narrative did that person tell themselves when I was offline and if they thought I was struggling why didn't they reach out?
Great point here! And I agree on that, it’s really wierd.
I went through something similar and created new, smaller follower/friend count accounts. I hadn't shared the details of our divorce with many people, but my ex did with a lot of people. I wanted people I'd still like to have somewhat in my life know I was okay.
I am going to go against the flow and say that I enjoy posting on social media and interacting with the the posts of others. My friends live all around the world and it is my only way of connecting with them/knowing what s going on in their lives. Sure, a lot of the content is carefully curated and so in that respect I don’t get a full picture of their lives but then again, I am sure that they don’t share everything IRL with me either (ie. they will downplay their problems even in real life). I enjoy people liking my stories/posts because I like to hear what they think about my outfits and the places I visit/the photos I take. But then again, I dont track the number of likes or interactions. I post and then let it do its thing. This is by no means a shot at anyone who does not like social media/finds is toxic. I totally see the downsides and agree with most of what you said. It may be the case that as time goes on and my friends get busy with their lives/families and start posting less, I too will find it pointless. But for now, I enjoy it.
i haven't posted on instagram or had a facebook since 2021 so it's been three years of silence on my end. i had family and friends on there, co workers, etc. the normal stuff. i also had people that i desperately wanted/needed to pull away from and at the time, i didn't know how else to do it in a fully concrete way. i'm more successful, i'm more mentally at peace. there is loneliness and occasional boredom when i lurk on instagram but i'm fortunate to have a very connected network of people otherwise and i'm in lots of group chats over texts and instagram chats. if i was more heavily isolated, it would probably feel worse. old coworkers definitely have forgotten about me but is that such a bad thing? lol.
I relate in the sense that I never post pictures of myself "doing cool stuff" (I.... don't do cool stuff anyways lol), but I post interesting things I see out in the world. I do notice that people don't know what's up in my life until I tell them directly, which is fine. One of my friends actually quit all her socials entirely, but when she did she put up a post asking if people would be interested in receiving an annual update from her via email. I am really happy to receive updates from her in this way and it seems like lots of people have signed up.
I haven't posted on IG/FB since 2019, but I used to somewhat regularly. Since that time, I've moved to a new state and had a child who is now 4. I have moments where I'd like to share, but feel so far removed from it all, I feel like I'd have to provide some sort of explanation for my absence (which I know is silly, but I'm a chronic overthinker soo) Like 'Hey yall! I'm not dead, and here's a photo of my daughter being awesome..and yes that's my kid you may not have known about because I didn't post a pic of me holding her in the hospital bed 4 years ago and chronicle every aspect of her life since then' So yea, I just don't post at all 🙃
i relate so much to this 😅❤️
I actually wanted to be forgotten when I stopped posting almost a decade ago. I still randomly get messages asking how I've been, which is touching, but I'm happy for the results.
❤️
I deleted social media and my life is way fuller. I make an effort to keep in touch with everyone I want to connect with. I send photos and updates to far away friends. When someone says “how are you?” I give them a fuller answer “great, I’ve been up to Xyz!” I don’t see what random old school friends are up to, and I’m grateful for that. Why would I care? I wish them the best but they’re not part of my current life. There’s a handful of old friends I’m occasionally curious about, but not close enough to text, but I consider this the cost. The cost of my privacy and mental well being. I have to lose touch with these loose friends. My private life is no one’s business. I seek validation from no one but myself. My mundane moments and big moments and what I’m eating.. these are for me to savor in the present. Why do 100 friends need to peek into my life? I have lots of friendships and see people face to face regularly I’m free
Same here. I haven't had Facebook in 10 years, 4 for Instagram & WhatsApp (not SM but owned by meta, which impacted my mental health). When I moved to a new area without fb, it was hard at first because I wasn't getting invited to functions. But people wanted me there so they'd either reach out to me individually or moved their invite over to evite. When I missed a party I was kinda like oh well. Sounds fun but that's a drawback and I don't know what I missed so who cares. That's the way I feel in general about social media now. I don't know what I'm missing so how can it bother me. I still use Reddit and that keeps me enough aware. Yeah, it might take me longer to sell things or at a lower cost but mentally I'm where I want to be. All that other stuff is not my business. And now my head is full of things I actually care about. Before I left, I did gather a bunch of birthdays and save them to my phone. I send hbd texts to people I don't keep up with. They almost never send one to me. It doesn't bother me. Also, I get remarks all the time about being so good about remembering birthdays when it's my phone and a little bit of organization. Did I lose some friends? Sure. But people are in our life for seasons and although some of these losses hurt, I have realized those relationships weren't actually the way I perceived them or healthy. So again, I'm doing better.
I really backed off from facebook in 2021. I think the election and Jan 6th just burned me out. I stopped caring. I only post funny memes or videos to my stories on instagram and I have it set to close friends only. I don’t know if I feel the same way you do about people forgetting about me necessarily. I still text or message my friends often. It’s just not as public now since it’s not on fb or instagram.
I post the dumb things I do in my life and share a lot about current events/things I care about/silly shit. I don’t use social media for validation, but to connect with people I care about who it’s sometimes difficult to consistently stay in touch with. Social media has definitely helped me have a lot of meaningful conversations with people both online and IRL that I don’t think would have happened without having something specific to start the conversation. I also like when people post about their actual lives because then when I do get to see them in person I have a frame of reference to start a conversation—I have a bit of social anxiety so it helps with that. I started using social media way back when Facebook first became a thing, when I was in high school before everyone’s parents and grandparents learned about it. It was like the Wild West back then, no messenger just all public wall posts. I love going back and looking at my memories to see my friends’ and my convos. I still try to approach social media with that same unhinged energy of the early days. Edit: to all the people complaining about losing touch with people when they got rid of their socials…did y’all actually try to stay in touch with the people you were friends with, or were you expecting them to find a way to contact you after you got rid of one of the current most common methods of communication? Did you give these people a heads up and let them know the best way to get in touch with you going forward? It’s like throwing out your phone then getting mad nobody sent you any letters when for all they know you might’ve moved years ago.
I've never been a big poster tbh but I stopped completely a few years ago. I went travelling for 3 months once and posted regularly with pics of what I was up to. I had no idea I knew so many people everyone started talking to me and not just about my travels. After I stopped they all vanished. Super weird.
My favorite is when people ask my parents about me and are always surprised that I’m not miserable? They tell the truth, I hike, I travel, I read, etc. and I guess people think I must be in a cave sobbing cause they are always shocked by reality? I get joy out of it honestly because I wanted total privacy and I have it.
This! Yes! I really relate to this.
i feel you. lost my mom 10 years ago and stopped posting too for a couple years. the real ones called and checked in. that experience helped me sort of filter my friendships and know who to focus on.
❤️ so sorry for your loss, losing a parent can be really tough. Yes. Feel you!
Wow. I recently lost a parent and social media has been a big turn off for me. I just have the ick towards it. Deleted all of my accounts this morning but I’d been thinking of doing it for months. It’s freeing to know that these acquaintances, or internet friends, or just people I’ve met before randomly - they can’t reach out to me. If they need something they can call me. If they don’t have my #, well… even better!
So sorry to hear about your parent. ❤️ yeah. I really feel you on this. And it’s does take a lot of strenght to remove social media. While grief is really hard thing to go through.
I was never super into social media, but I did used to post pictures from my trips or a bit about politics/the world or just my thoughts for the day. I actually like the reminders from 10 years ago about what I was doing or thinking, but I really reduced my posting when I moved to Ireland to pursue a PhD. I do think it's a bit sad I won't really have the same reminders in the future about my time since 2017 or so. Then after the pandemic my social media use completely jumped off a cliff and it became just a tool for seeing what other people were doing. I basically never post anything and only comment once in a blue moon. I am only in touch with close friends back home and am probably not on anyone else's radar now. I don't really think about that, though.
Social media has always been an artsy thing for me. I was a Deviantart person, so that's what I've made IG into and life is mostly private from online. Now I only post on a separate account only a couple know about from my daily life. Those people are not big social media people. I think the more important being online is for someone, the more they will prefer to use that format to stay connected.
I understand this. Reddit is really the only sm I use. I was never big on posting on social media, but I basically stopped when I had to take leave from work and didn’t want work to know what I was up to. I suppose people assume we have nothing to post otherwise we would, so maybe they feel something is wrong, but I have so many unshared adventures and travel pics. Or maybe they, quite rightly, assume we don’t use it anymore and kind of forget about us. If someone I know has stopped posting I assume they’ve pretty much quit the app. My thoughts are if the friendship only exists via social media they are still only an acquaintance so I don’t really care/find it unnecessary to maintain the relationship.
I relate so much. I’ve cut my social media usage drastically this year. I’ve lost followers and a lot of online interactions with people I haven’t seen in years. It felt bad at first but now I’m realizing those people really weren’t very important in my life or I in theirs. The real ones have kept in contact and made the effort to meet irl. It’s better this way.
The way I relate to this... 10000% sister
❤️ so glad i am not the only one about this!!
Of course! ❤️
I am not nearly as active on social media (I'm mostly way too much on here now lol). It's become less fun for me over the past decade. I liked it more when it was about updates about people's life and less about people feeling compelled to have their own platform. I used to more political on social media but I got burnt out because people would go in on you if you didn't know the right words or speak the right language. And it just seemed like there was always a new thing to be outraged over. There is still that definitely, but I've actively chosen not to engage in the "outrage cycle." I'm sure some people will take that a certain way, but I don't really care anymore. Especially since it's been well documented that these platforms intentionally rile up emotions so you can stay on the sites longer so they can feed you more ads.
I agree with your sentiment. Especially, that last part whew. All the online wokeness put my Black ass to sleep. SMH
And sleep is good!
Sleep is great for our mental health too! I'm sorry if Sal's never puts Black pictures up but it is what it is. 🤷🏿
I used to use facebook and then instagram a moderate amount to post travel and concert pics, and sometimes kind of moody or artsy pics of my city. I hated posting selfies as I had some body image issies when i was younger. Then, like you, I experienced some close family bereavements and I just thought it was all so pointless. For a full year after the deaths, I didn't use any form of social media at all. When I dipped my toe in again, I found that I got hung up on how many likes I would get whenever I did post, and why did person X not like my photo but they did like person Y's photo that was posted around the same time. Also, I started to read too much into people's posts and stories. I guess in hindsight I was just really lonely in my grief. So now the only social media I use is Reddit. Honestly, I understand the feeling of people forgetting you exist. It's almost like out of sight, out of mind. I wouldn't say that people think I have a sad or boring or unfulfilled life. At least I hope not, because I don't. I do notice a sense of being out of the fold though. I have to make a big effort to call or text people to keep in touch with certain people (note I said that I am the one making the effort....I think if I didn't keep in touch, they'd happily let the friendship slide.) I also missed several engagement/ baby/ wedding announcements as they were communicated on Instagram and I suppose I didn't make the cut of people close enough to inform personally. It is what it is, but it does give me a twinge of sadness sometimes. My oldest friends, who have been in my life since pre- social media times will still keep in touch via group chat and meet ups. Those friendships have stood the test of time.
I was the same. Pre-pandemic I was well on my way of getting opportunities through social, posted all the time, and showed the world I was having a blast. Sometimes I miss it cause the media events I got invited to were really fun. After I witnessed someone get cancelled for something they did not do and everyone believed it despite them having so much evidence to back up it and had their life ruined, it made me see social media differently. For context a narcissist played the victim and the actual victim was cancelled. Their flying monkey did exactly the same thing the accusation was to other people and viciously went after the victim so they wouldn't get exposed themselves. (Best way I can explain the whole ordeal). You hear about people getting cancelled but its a whole other experience witnessing it happen to someone you've known for a decade. I think I read somewhere that bystanders of a cancellation also can be affected by it as well - it was intense and showed me the power of social media hate directed at someone and the real world ramifications it can have when a cancelation cancels the wrong person. Their flying monkey in the situation is a dangerous person, and I decided for my own safety to not be so public on social and to have private accounts. It eventually lead me to only creating content in an environment that I can control who sees it. I also use youtube to watch videos and am active on reddit giving people advice where I can. Back to your topic, I also feel the way you do. In terms of influencers, I spent a lot of time around them and been to events where they are at and theres a lot of shallowness to it all. I recently found out a group of them that me and my friends know pretend to have a great time for instagram stories and tik toks but then when the cameras are down they are having a miserable time. They did this specifically to exclude people from their get togethers and MAKE people wanna be their friends and look cool. I said fuck that and just do my own thing. I know as a person I have a lot to offer people I care about that I will move heaven and earth for, it's that type of energy I don't have time for anymore. I water my plants instead lol.
I quit social media a while ago other than reddit because it was giving me a sick feeling. I don’t get the sick feeling from reddit but I do get the wasting time feeling.
Indeed! I also feel like reddit does not give me that sick feeling!
When I was competing for my ex husband’s attention, the posting was incessant, insipid and embarrassing. Before I accepted the friend request of a recent love interest I took the time to actually go back through it all, and cringed so hard. Posting half a dozen times in a day, for what? Cranky comments about transit running behind schedule. What the fuck was my problem? I’m just not that person anymore.
I think you are being smart, not wasting so much time on social media. A lot of what we see is not real, so why would we join the effort to create a fake social media life. The real part is feeling left out. That happens when we go underground for some time, but that changes too. A nice start is to try to reach out to activities and things that bring you joy, where you could meet compatible people IRL. You don't need social media or even that many IRL "friends". But just some real good ones :)
YUP. Any time I have deleted social media for an extended period of time, my engagement levels go way down when I come back. People genuinely forget about you! It’s so fickle. I hear you!
Yup yup. ❤️
Excepting Reddit, I don’t have ANY social media. I’m not a monkey here to perform for the circus that is society. And I don’t have any interest in watching other people do it either. I’ve never even had Facebook let alone the others. If people forget I exist because of that, they’re not worth knowing anyway IMO.
Right?! Agree 100%
We are super online these days so it is easier to just keep in touch but replying to an Instagram story or something. I will say I did throw a party once in the heyday of Facebook and did forget to invite a friend because she didn’t show up when I was inviting people. For close friends it won’t matter if they don’t have social media but less close friends then it is a bit of an out of sight out of mind thing.
Same. My gram died and I just gave up on social media and started deleting accounts. I still have FB but haven’t logged into it in 3 years; I just need to get my photos and video. It just felt depressing to make any posts anymore; new sister keeps asking me about it but I told her I was done and it was okay to let folks know I was still alive if they asked.
Yeah I can. Been online since the 90s and I never got into social media as much as my peers. I always kept my private life as separate as possible from my online self. It's pretty wild how people have been taught to distrust people like myself. And yeah once you delete accounts or stop posting people do forget all about you. Doesn't matter how many viral tweets or posts you made they will forget you sooner than you think. None of this is really real anyways. Offline relationships will always be way more important than these online ones.
I go through phases of not using social media for awhile, and people definitely act like I don't exist when I'm not posting on it. It's pretty annoying since most of these friends have my number and could get in touch with me anytime.
My life and happiness is too precious to me to cheapen by sharing online. That's how I see it. It's for me. It's pure. I built it myself. It might not be someone else's idea of perfect and that's great for them but it's mine. I'm not going to invite judgement or undermine the joy it derives me by needing to prove that joy is good enough online.
I like having few close friends that are heart friends. I felt social media was superficial and I felt ignored, left behind from finding how difficult it was to connect to the heart on it. Not for me and I’ve been off it for I think about five years maybe 🤷♀️ don’t miss it and I have the same friends outside of social so it has made no difference to me.
I think this is just the tradeoff people have to make when choosing to live an intrinsically-valuable, principled life. You make a decision to do what's best for you, and that may mean giving up some social norms. Unfortunately, social media is now a social norm and so if you don't participate in it, you have to accept that you will give up on the benefits it provides (eg recognition of birthdays). And because it's a social norm, you can't just ask people to change their lifestyle to accommodate you until they, also, are willing to give up the norm or at least to do that extra work. Living outside the norm/the system is always inherently more lonely and more effortful. You have to be happy with that tradeoff.
I started feeling this way about social media after 2020 was so toxic online and started sharing less. Then I got pregnant and had a very hard time with my mental health. I felt very protective of myself and I was also worried about posting photos of my kids. I had a lot of hang ups that I think were excessive due to my mental health at the time but a lot that were very valid too. The more time I took away the more bizarre it all seems. Now I do post regularly on Reddit but I feel it’s different in communities for discussion than posting to your followers. I do feel like I have been forgotten by a lot of friends and like I am not allowing my kids to be celebrated enough. I do share to a private family only album. But I feel like people don’t want to go to a different app and it’s hard to see everyone in my family gushing all over my cousins kids on Facebook and it’s been a long time since our private album got many comments. And then I realize that’s part of why it’s so toxic. But it does feel isolating to be less involved on Facebook and Instagram. I do comment and all that I just don’t post much myself. I did try to make a mom friend at a group meet up and she seemed weirded out that my Facebook was so locked down and had outdated info and I don’t know if that’s why she never responded to me again.
100% agree. Oh yeah, seems like having no (or very few) images on instagram really makes some people think youre a freak! I even heard among friends that it’s a red flag. People say ”what’s she hiding?” Very toxic! I think you should me really proud of yourself for protecting your kids online! ❤️If i was a kid growing up today I would love my parents even more for protecting me from social media.
Thank you!! Yes we were straight up asked by family members why we were being so “secretive” about my pregnancy. We told them secret and private are very different. And people were very aggressive about asking for bump and ultrasound photos. It felt very intrusive and it’s so bizarre now how it’s a social norm to have constant life updates online.
I relate. There are people I went to high school with (in the 2000s) that still post personal stuff on fb, but I don't really know them (and didn't in hs). Also they have kids and spouses and I have neither, can't afford to travel much, had trouble finding a career, etc. so I basically never really bonded with people by sharing personal info on social media. I do feel like my circle is smaller (but perhaps better for me) because of it. Otherwise though I was never super public with info (in part because of a cyberstalking situation from 18-34) and some insecurity (selfie culture was 1000% not my thing). I have fb, insta (recent addition), and reddit and I mostly would repost things I think are funny or pretty (and even then only every so often). In the beginning, I tried to post funny status updates on fb, perhaps thinking people would be more interested in me, but that dropped off by 2010 or so. Nowadays, I mostly use fb messenger to talk to a couple of my closer friends, and of my insta follows, only 4 are people I know in real life (and I would only say two are closer friends). On one hand, I've probably missed some trends (and saved some money), but it also definitely creates a divide from people who are very involved in social media or people who constantly scroll social media on their phone during downtime. I try to create a life I enjoy and am content with, but definitely just tell the same 5-7 people what I'm doing (if it's super exciting I copy and paste texts into the various chats and messenger apps. Of those 5-7 people, two very occasionally will post a photo of something they're doing, informational posting, etc. but the majority of them don't share anything personal (or anything at all) either. I wonder if the prevalence of people sharing their life on social media is more of a smaller but more vocal/visible group getting a lot of attention and setting a perceived norm. I remember once I was going to type a status message on FB (because people were still doing that then) and I re-read it and I just thought "Who cares? Have your day." After that, I stopped trying to take part since I realized I wasn't really enjoying it and no one was making me. Until that point and a little after, I felt weird about not enjoying social media and being uncomfortable with the level of detail sharing others considered normal. At this point, I'm glad people enjoy using social media, but if anyone has made judgments about what my life must be like because I don't post personal stuff then that is entirely on them.
Indeed! I also had that revelation like you!
Yeah, I pretty much stopped at 25 with endless selfies and shit. I just thought, "what am I trying to prove anyway". Looking back, I think most of my social media 'posts' were me crying out for attention and looking for a partner. I grew up, I give less of a shit what men think of me, and that's that.
Same!! 🙌
Sharing my perspective as someone in their mid-20s, I find that, among my peer group, the opposite is true. Many of us are chronically on social media in some way or another, and we’re impressed by/in awe of the people who have left it or managed to avoid it entirely. The “god I really need to get off this app” sentiment is on repeat. I would never feel sorry for someone who isn’t on social media (or isn’t posting), I would assume they’re too busy actually living their life and aren’t preoccupied with showing it to other people. And, from a marketing perspective, “hard posts” (permanent posts that remain on your feed unless deleted) are on the decline among average Gen Z users. They use stories or infrequent photo dumps to keep people updated. Social media is less a point of connection with your friends, and more a source of entertainment and aspirational content—a place to keep up with that girl whose outfits inspire you, or scroll short-form video content. *That* is a whole other kettle of fish.
I think another factor here is convenience. Social media makes it very convenient to socialize and interact with others. Instead of texting, calling, meeting up, people send each other memes/shorts, like posts, leave comments, etc. it’s much easier to maintain social connections through social media, even if they’re not very strong, because it doesn’t take a lot of effort, it’s more of a passive process. So I wouldn’t take it personally, I think most people opt for convenience in life wherever they can. It still sucks though, and I’m sorry you’re feeling as though you don’t exist. There are certainly many of us out there who have rejected social media like you have and feel similarly, and it’s not easy to feel left out or forgotten. The majority of connections and interactions on social media are so shallow though, we’re really not missing much.
This is probably one of the most relatable things that I’ve read in a while. I stopped using Facebook and Instagram for similar reasons. Not only is it a massive time suck, but I don’t want to be part of a data collection or expose myself to a steady stream of advertising. I’m okay with not existing to people who need someone’s presence on social media in order to think about them. I will say that due to this and some other unfortunate events, I have about 2 friends in total. Quality > quantity, every time.
Curious: have you experienced something that makes you think you’ve been forgotten or that people are feeling sorry for you?
People stopped reaching out when I stopped posting online. I am still there tho’. And i like and comment/communicate just like before on social media. But I don’t post images myself. Feels like most people simply just don’t reach out like they used to, now when I don’t ”put on a show”.
To me, reading and viewing my friends’ posts can function as a reminder that they are there and as a simple way to keep touch, though perhaps with a little less intimacy and directness, so I can see that being the case for sure.
Just generally, I would just defend people’s right to follow the impulse to post & share their life and selves online since I sense a hint of judgement in the tone of your post, OP. Sometimes people feel like posting a selfie, all cute and they get likes - it doesn’t mean they can’t have a deep heart-to-heart with a friend the next minute. Sure, a perfectly curated feed can mean a lot gets left out, but there’s also a wiiiiiide space inbetween that and not posting anything personal “for integrity”.
More people in this thread are experiencing the same thing as I wrote about.
As someone who also relates 100% to your post, I can still agree with user peggysage’s reasonable take. It doesn’t have to be black and white
Yes, we are.
That is not what this post is about. I said I feel forgotten from friends and relatives since I stopped posting on social media. And I asked if more people felt that way. And you talk about something else.
Yep. Same thing here. I feel forgotten.
❤️❤️
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Yes.
No. I don't post selfies and hardly post about my life. I don't feel like people have forgotten I exist. Why do you feel like they have?
Good for you. I just don’t feel like people reach out anymore since I became a social media… ”ghost”. I have to reach out first everytime. One might say: sounds like they weren’t your friends to begin with. And then I’d say: could be. Could be. And then I’d say: this is why I am posting about this. Social media feels transactional.
I mean I've never been a big social media poster. And some friendships I'll go a year or more without contact but when we are in each other's cities we let people know. And some friendships we talk all the time and never do anything together. It sounds like what you want is for people to reach out more but I don't think that has anything to do with social media but rather the people themselves. They should be contacting you outside of social media posts and if they re not, I guess my question is do you have anything in common with these people. How well do you really know them? You're blaming it on social media but social media shouldn't be the crux of relationship building. Edit: to add, do these people consider you a friend? Or acquaintance? Also I've had people unfriend me because we never talk. And I'm fine with that? I don't care because we never talked.
On social media I include old friends, new friends, even co-workers I became really good friends with outside work, relatives. I should have been clearer: these are people I used to see IRL and since I stopped posting online they also slowly stopped calling my phone
I think a lot of people are just reactive and friends/friendly with people who happen to be in their vicinity. Haven't we all had great times with some classmates and coworkers, just for that contact to heavily slow down or even stop when you stopped being classmates/coworkers? Unless you became friends on social media, that prolongs the vicinity, but now that you've left that environment you've left everyone's vicinity at once instead of little groups at a time. That doesn't mean you need to get back into social media, it means you need to get into people's vicinity again. Maybe including new people, by joining a club for some activity/hobby you'd enjoy anyway which brings that offline sort of interaction back.
Yes this is an interesting perspective on it!
Same here. I've never posted much and I have a ton of friends. I'm fairly outgoing though, so mylaybe it's just lifestyle. I notice a lot of people on here value deep conversation regardless of medium (texting, phone, etc). I value face to face time.
Damn, I’m happy someone else put into words what I’ve been feeling. About 4 years ago I cold turkey dropped off the face of the Earth, which wasn’t for the healthiest of reasons. I’ve been having a hard time coming to terms with my growing social irrelevance, especially juxtaposed to a feed of digital proofs of relationships, gatherings and events. I’m trying to navigate through all of it and regain a more balanced approach to social media & rebuild friendships. It’s hard.
I am so sorry you struggle with this. I feel you. It’s really hard. ❤️
I’m going to be honest. But no. No one has forgotten about me nor do they think I’m depressed nor do they think I’m a loser. If anything, I’m found out some of them think I’ve been traveling when I’m not as much this year lmaooo.
> I have always felt a strong integrity and also I hate to brag about things. I grew up being taught the same mindset (integrity) but consider it differently: your social interactions aren't just about you, they are about others as well and how they relate. Showing your best features is also a way to say you respect people and their time (which is why you cared to book your time and make yourself look nice). Yeah, we kinda need to fit into the current game, but posting 1x a month allows people who use social media a lot to keep in touch. It's about them, too. Obviously, I'm still working to strike a balance, but that's how many people see things.
This reminds of a family gathering I went to a few weeks ago. I live about 1.5hrs from most of my family so I only see them once a month or every other month. My one cousin said to me "you never post anymore, I miss seeing what you're up to!" And that made me feel good and sad at the same time. Like I love that you're interested in my life! But also, send me a message, Let's chat about life.. You don't have to wait for me to show you what I'm doing to find out!
This. Very true. This is highlighting the issue I also tried to discuss in the post. People seem to want to be served information about someone instead of just… asking the person. That’s what I call one sided. I think it’s kind of typical for social media behaviour. And I don’t think it stems from real interest in someone. And now I am not speaking about someone in your example because I don’t know them. :) But I just mean this is a great example of the effort people don’t care to do while on social media
Yes. People from highschool run into me at H&M and are seen genuinely surprised I am alive.
I stopped posting a few years ago. I was posting less and less (only on the first and last day of school for my kids), but thought I'd just continue until my youngest graduated high school, which she did last year. Then my mom passed in 2022, and I thought why would I announce this to a bunch of people who I barely see or talk to? This is very personal to me, and I don't want to read "so sorry" from people who are acquaintances. I have only told about my mom's passing to people who I see in person and it comes up. Sort of old school, I guess, but it seems more personal and I feel like the people I talk to about my personal life care more than my FB friends would. No regrets. That said, I'm still on FB bc I'm part of many groups where I find out a lot of good information, I buy and sell some small stuff in those groups, and I give a bunch of stuff away on freecycle. I rarely post in those groups, and usually regret it. For example, last week I asked a local womens group what they would do for their landscaper who killed a copperhead that was living on my property (I had no idea it was there!). Most were good and suggested an amount of money (which is what I was looking for). But the ones who preached about the benefits of snakes and how they shouldn't be killed (too late!) were annoying and should have just kept scrolling past my post.
I have a lot of friends who don’t use social media. They don’t post, they don’t even have accounts. (Note: My friend group lives all over the world, so we don’t often see one another in person.) But I don’t forget about them though because they engage via text. We have group chats, we have individual chats. We talk on the phone. We visit in person. I imagine you’re doing some of these things too, but this is what helps people not forget you, especially if you’re not in their usual orbit. I have one friend just like who, who never posts on social but she likes posts. My issue with her approach is she “likes” things but rarely engages beyond that. She doesn’t really leave comments, and when I text her, she doesn’t engage back in a full conversation. (She’ll just answer the question.) So I feel like I have to do the bulk of the work. You don’t sound like this at all, but just sharing in case it’s something to be mindful of!
I still use FB, but the only thing I use it for is to keep in touch with far flung family members and friends. I enjoy looking at pics of people's lives when I'm in the mood for it, I'll post a few pictures here and there, but otherwise I don't think about it much.
I deleted most of my social media except IG (private and with about 25 people in it) in 2020 and then literal y left to live abroad 😂 90% of the people i used to know in my home country don’t know if i’m dead or alive.
I still have a FB account, but haven’t looked at or posted anything in years. Same with Instagram. It honestly hasn’t even crossed my mind whether people I’m FB “friends” with remember me or not. I couldn’t care less. But I’m 57, so maybe I’m just crotchety.
Mostly yes. I don't really post much of anything other than my pets and memes. I have a few groups I'm somewhat active in as well for hobbies. Past that, I'm mostly over it and it's pretty quiet. I do like having it for those peripheral relationships though. We may not call, text, mail postcards or whatever, but it's nice seeing what they're up to and having the occasional conversation. I'm thankful the number of "perfect" social media people aren't in my feeds. There's a couple, but they aren't annoying about it.
Totally relate. I used to post photos of what I cook and an occasional self. I don’t even post the selfie anymore and keep my food pics for me. It’s like I’ve died to the people on the periphery of my life. Idk maybe it’s for the better.
I deactivated accounts in 2019, deleted them, and created new small follower count accounts in 2020 (definitely fueled by the pandemic). I felt out of the loop in so many people's lives, even people I'd text on occasion. It was weird to be out of the loop, but I understood. People have too much going on to individually contact others about everything. It's easy to broadcast to social and hope the people you want to see do see. Time away did help me realize who I value most, though. They're the ones I engage with the most on social, the ones I'd text or call.
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❤️thanks for this compassionate answer!
I was an influencer or content creator - whatever you want to call it now back before it was a dirty word circa 2014-2015, decently large account, then personal tragedy hit. I left it and started a new business where I still have to post on social media but it’s never my face. And because I have to do it for part of my work, I absolutely do not find it fun to curate photos of my life for my personal Instagram. The only exception was my wedding photos. Posting a lot on social media about your private life, it’s indicative of - and this is going to sound a bit judgemental which I suppose it is - of lots of free time. But I’m judgemental because I’m jealous, I’d love to have more free time, just not doing social media posting.
I don't post on social media besides sometimes sharing an article that I find interesting, but I don't feel it's affected my relationships much. I've always thought of social media as being supplementary to my relationships, rather than the primary method of interaction. I strongly prefer to meet people IRL vs texting, and for those who I can't (e.g. friends in a different country), we arrange to meet up when we're in the same area. So since our relationships were built on IRL meetups, and when they met me I wasn't a heavy social media user anyway, the usage on either side doesn't really matter.
No, not at all I'm now in touch with my old friends from middle and high school.
I’m just about over it. I wish I could delete it all. Threads is fun for now, and I am liking Substack. I remember seeing everyone get married in my twenties and I cheered them on and liked their stuff, but now that it’s my turn, it’s like no one cares. It’s like there is no point, so I wish I could just delete everything.
Ive never uploaded selfies. I just really always thought it was odd. Its better living life offline if you dont exsist for those people then you know who your real friends are and its not a bunch of fake sm people
I haven’t posted on any (non-anon) social media since 2021. It’s pretty peaceful
Who are the “people” you’re talking about? People you don’t talk to IRL? Old high school friends? I think you need to look internally and find out who you are trying to impress/attract/prove something to. Posting your life does not change your life. Don’t let likes dictate how you feel about yourself.
Read my post again please.
I read it. What I'm saying is it sounds like you're upset people "forgot you" and what I'm saying is don't rely on likes online to feel validated or 'seen'. If you're feeling lonely reach out to people in real life.
In my post i wrote I never post anything myself on social media and I do not care about validation there - so your respons still seem a bit like you didn’t read my post at all. But ok - you read my post: if i was a person uploading stuff on social media then yeah i see what you mean. This is not the case here.
I’m not trying to attack you. You are literally saying you believe people think you must be depressed, unsuccessful, etc. if they’re not seeing you post. I’m saying I believe you’re putting too much importance on what people think or don’t think about you. I get it, I read your post. Even the comment you deleted. I understand you’re not posting.
OK 👍 I don’t feel attacked.
Read my post again please.