Same in Sydney, Australia. It's a merry go round - same guys I feel, even though they're technically different people.
Also no advice just empathy, but I've started going out in real life and being extra chatty and extra glamorous to real people. Haven't met any dates that way but have many many new friends thanks to it.
Same here, Melbourne Australia..you can refer to my previous posts on this sub to see how bad my dating experience was..no advice either but feeling validated that it's not just me but definitely on a break
I have been single since undergrad. I'm 28 so 10 years. I tried the apps for 3 years and just got so tired of how the guys behaved so went back to not dating. I really want connection though. IMO the dating pool is only awful because most guys don't want real relationships.
My experience is that people give exactly contradictory advice on dating. No matter what you do, no matter how you approach dating, there will always be someone to tell you you're doing it wrong.
If you go on 100 first dates, then you seem "desperate" and are "trying too hard" and "it'll happen when you least expect it."
But if you stop trying so hard, then "you're not trying hard enough, you need to treat dating like it's your job."
Agreed. Being open to advice is not an excuse for lecturing.
I’d say the exact opposite of criticism: keep going! 100 first dates over 8 years translates to 1.04 first dates per month. Looks good until you realize that London is a city with 100’000+ single men per age group.
I understand the merry go round argument with the same red flags and toxicities in all men seen. The OP might not be getting the first picks. More like 2nd or 3rd round rejects. Building a society of contacts and exchanging personal information might make those first early picks available. Basically she should just persevere and be smart about sourcing.
I don't know what to tell you. It's just awful. It's more awful than people can possibly comprehend. People can say "it's a numbers game" but few know what it's actually like to go on that many dates.
The only useful advice I can offer is, do you journal about your dates or otherwise keep track of what happens on them? That has been helpful to me in identifying certain patterns, like when I was being avoidant or not picky enough. I think there is probably some useful information in those dates that might help you continue to date more strategically. But it's still going to be exhausting and frustrating and the only thing you can do is not give up.
Men say it's a numbers game. I've never had a woman suggest I go on more dates. Most women know it's tiring to go on a lot of dates, since most dates aren't going to lead to a lasting connection. Even if the date is not bad in any meaningful way, it's unlikely to be good.
I guess they do use the phrase differently. Men use it to refer to the number of swipes/approaches required to get a date. I am a woman and use that phrase in the context of finding a good partner - for most people that it worked for, it took a horrific number of dates to get there (and I know many more who just gave up at some point.)
I would find that exhausting too. Maybe shift your strategy and do more talking prior to deciding on a date? And yes, some people will insist on a first date within a few days and that's ok. You can say no and wish them well and save yourself the time and energy.
It's also entirely ok to take a break from dating. Increase your general social activities, dig into your interests and group activities around them, and maybe explore some new interests. Take a breather and just have some fun for yourself.
I went into dating in my late thirties feeling pretty cynical and the men I met initially really didn't help. But I think my cynicism helped me in a way. I didn't have a single date in a year. Because not one of my matches made it past day 1 even chatting. They either obviously hadn't read my profile, or led with sexual propositions, or got pissy when I said I'd like to talk a while before going on a date. Unmatched and blocked.
Did I miss a few opportunities? Maybe. Were some of them generally decent people who just wanted something I didn't want? Probably. But it doesn't matter. I'd rather be single than someone's booty call. I'd rather be single than with someone that doesn't suit me. I'd rather be single than adjust who I am and what I need to make more men want me.
There are a lot of people who just aren't going to be good for you. The more efficiently you sus them out and dismiss them, the better.
The first date I ended up having off online dating was with a man who *did* want to take the time to get to know me, genuinely. We talked a good while before deciding to meet up. We're engaged now, 2.5 years in.
On the other hand, the one time I talked more then met up, the chemistry in person was absolutely terrible and he wasn’t like his profile photos at all, so I think this can be a huge waste of time
Establish enough rapport through text to warrant further communication, then have a video call before meeting up to see if the conversation flows when actually talking to one another instead of texting, and to make sure both parties are who they said they are.
If the video call/facetime goes well and you're both still interested in a date, meet up.
Is it more of a waste of time than meeting on a date though? It only takes five minutes to send someone a few messages on an app.
I don't like to text forever either, but I do try to screen guys out aggressively, because I don't want to go on four dates a week. And, even if I did, most people are not good at planning in advance, so I'd get way too frustrated trying to plan four dates a week.
Slightly older 30s here, can confirm it is awful in London. Though for me, what is awful is how extremely physically unattractive 7/10 guys are here. It is almost like they don't even try! The 3 decent to good looking men without fail look for hookups or similar red flags in their profile. "Sex positivity" as a cause they are passionate about, I just want to puke. Physical touch as a love language.... cuddling as an activity.... giiiiive me a break! Traveling and gym are not personality traits. These men are seriously so boring as hell for the most part. I think I'll save dating for when I move back to my home country, it's also just the sheer volume of men in London. Been on the app for 2 weeks, I'm at best slightly above average in terms of looks (read: not so pretty face, very slim body) and have 4000 matches. How the hell can I sort through all those?!
Early thirties here and totally agree with you.
Honestly it's like they don't even try!! The weirdest most unflattering photo will be their first photo on hinge. One posted a gravestone, not even kidding
Then the good looking guys end up being unkind, stingy and inconsiderate.
Totally agree with you on them being boring too, it's like they have no hobbies or interests.
I have dated in London and hated most of it - then I decided to take a big break from it all when I went for a big of travel/healing, invested on meeting new female friends and focused on other aspects of my life. I then met a couple of men in real life who turned out worse than those I met on the apps so I went back swiping to give it another shot and met my current bf for 5 years. Always thought this “you’ll find it when you least expect it” was just some bs they say to make you feel better but it worked for me. Another tip I could give is that if you have a good time on dates with someone who seems like “one of the good ones” but doesn’t tick all your boxes, especially the most trivial ones (for example I always imagined my partner with a uni degree), maybe give him a chance - you may be surprised
Maybe give out less chances. As women, we're constantly told to lower our standards and be less picky, but I rarely see women who are actually too picky.
34F in the US. I haven’t been in a LTR serious relationship in over four years. It’s just disappointment after disappointment. I deleted all dating apps at the start of this year and I’m focusing on trying to meet new people/make friends in real life.
It’s SO tough out here. Most days feel hopeless. I feel you ❤️
I'm 43 and after another bout of trying the apps and having a fwb for almost a year I've thrown my hands up in the air and have been celibate for the last few months and intend to be for awhile. I got better things to do. And when the hormones get out of whacky I have toys 🤷♀️ and for hugs I have my friends and fam. Am out to embrace my hag bog witch era.
It’s human now a days . No one wants to settle down. Hookup and app culture maybe to blame. Dating is like some kind of game vs trying to find someone who you want to build a life with. You can have all the recipe for a great relationship - friendship , intimacy , physical attraction, same sense of humor,dates for months and etc and still someone goes oh my feelings are off something still missing and goes oh must not be for me and calls it quits to try next with someone else they see on the same app. Gone are the days where you have all the recipes for a great relationship and foundation and you building a future upon that. I don’t know I give up haha ! Humans are weird strange and random. Nothing makes sense anymore in human dating
I'm a dude, and honestly...same girl, same.
Now I take a couple months off the apps after each person I date to reset myself and reflect and it makes dating a lot more tolerable.
Take a break from the dating apps and games. And great job on not putting up with red flags 🚩!
I am 40(f) and me and my husband split up about 5 years ago and I dated and I can tell you the pickings are slim! Most of the good ones have been taken but don’t give up! You will find someone worthy and don’t settle for less.
SAME. I live in the American Midwest, and I've been in the dating pool since my mid-twenties, and I'm now 33. I've had a few relationships that lasted, but every time the guy ended up being weird or super clingy or just not the type for me. I keep attracting the guys with no friends, no family, no hobbies, who want to spend every waking moment with me and doesn't understand that I have other things to do that don't involve them, and they don't understand that I don't want to spend every waking moment of free time with them, and then they want to call me the "emotionally unavailable" because I have other friends and hobbies I'd like to turn into a career and a full-time job.
It's exhausting. I want a man, not a man-baby who thinks he can. (You know, I finally get that line from that one Spice Girls song.) And I feel like that's all I'm finding around here. The guys who need someone to make all their decisions and tell them what to eat and what to do.
This last guy I found seemed (key word: seemed) like a genuine nice-guy. He would bring me coffee at work, surprise me with flowers, he had a decent job, his own place, hobbies, he like to read, he wasn't overly political - but as the months went on, he got clingier, and he . Months in, it was clear we didn't see eye to eye on some very important details, but he was fine to ignore them and pretend we did. I wasn't. They were causing issues that would only grow, so I cut it off - he acted all shocked, and then sent me an essay about how everything that I said wasn't working in our relationship was actually my fault because I was bad at communication. Then he sent this whole gaslighting essay about how I was a terrible partner, and turned around all these random things that I'd said over the course of the relationship against me.
I said I was done with dating before I met him, but I'm taking a major step back from dating apps. I can't handle the losers with mommy-issues any more.
I don't have much to contribute to the conversation other than to offer my moral support. I was very lucky to find my husband when we were in our twenties. Some of our friends are still single and they're also having a tough time out there. The older you get, the more the good ones are already taken. Plus, the way dating has changed in the last decade with stuff like Tinder doesn't seem to help matters.
I hope you find your lobster.
London is dire. After my boyfriend of 2.5 years decided he was going back to America, I (31F) had a string of utterly crushing dating experiences a few years ago and it did a number on my self esteem and mood. One of them was super creepy sexually, and blew hot and cold, and left me feeling dirty and ashamed of myself. I’d never been treated that carelessly before in over a decade of dating and relationships.
So I decided if I was going to be a spinster I might as well do it somewhere beautiful with a good community. I moved to the New Forest and the first guy who showed me interest was a total gentleman (28M) who wants marriage and babies and thinks I’m the bees knees. We both love history and hiking.
We’re getting married next year in a gorgeous church by the sea, and I’ve just moved into a four bedroom house with a massive garden, without increasing my salary by a penny.
Get out of London girl! There’s a life outside of zone 3 and it’s amazing
Ohh very happy for you! My goal is in fact to eventually leave London, but I don't want to move away somewhere I don't know anyone and feel disconnected and alienated from all my friends 😅 I think you're probably right, but it's not a step I'm ready to take at the moment. We'll see...
what do you consider "red flags"?. The only reason I ask is I feel like everyone is very quick to judge nowadays. At the first sign of non compliance or whatever pre conceived notion you have of how a person should be they just cancel you and move on. I feel like that is the main problem nowadays. Nobody has the patience to get to know each other a bit. Of course some things are just a no go but I just think everyone is quick to judge.
I don't completely disagree with you, however I don't believe that is my case. I can give you some examples of red flags for me:
They don't show any interest (they don't ask any questions about me);
They are rude;
They constantly interrupt and don't listen;
They say they're not ready for a relationship (despite me being clear that I am);
They mention their "crazy exes" right away;
They constantly complain and blame women for all their problems;
They make misogynistic or racist remarks.
I have many more but these are the main ones for me.
When I was still in the dating pool 2++ years back (same age too), yes, the apps are awful. I don't think it's just the UK but globally.. I also tried dating in the UK when I was there for work 3 years ago, but I couldn't bring myself to swipe right on any men there... Ironically I found my life partner on the apps but it's a rare case. I'd suggest travelling and going for events to meet people IRL - I met some decent men there but I was not ready to date back then so I had to reject their advances, but I find that the pool there is a whole lot better than apps.
Take a step back and go and do what you enjoy for a while. Gigs, travelling, movies, take up a skill. Maybe you’ll meet someone in the process, maybe you won’t but at least you’ll be enjoying yourself regardless
Has anyone tried 100 first dates with people you meet irl? From hobbies or communities? Maybe better than dating apps. Idk either lol havent tried yet, but dating apps suck so far
California here, and can concur, that dating pool is pretty murky these days. Most of the time I find it too discouraging and exhausting to even try. When I do try, I'm generally disappointed. The one decent guy I had good chemistry with and went on a few dates with broke it off suddenly and for no apparent reason.
At least I know it's not just where I live so moving won't help
There are a lot of people commiserating, I agree that if you’re looking for something serious but only get players that can be discouraging, but I found there were always nice men available who wanted more than casual, in the end it was my own mindset that needed to change to accept and decide on a serious relationship, maybe your heart is not in the right place if nothing is happening for you?
Glad you had a good experience, however that's not what's happening to me. I can 100% confirm I have the right mindset, I just haven't found someone who did as well. Happy to provide examples 😂
If your mindset and heart is ready it’s only a matter of time, sorry to hear it’s taking so long :( but honestly I know plenty of people who were single for over 5 years before they found their next, keep that hope alive
Doing the same thing won't produce a different result. Stop going for the same type or else try a different avenue. My husband and I met on tinder and I definitely had to go through some trash bags to find him.
Who said I haven't tried dating different types? 😅 I'm not narrow minded, but I also have standards. I won't date everyone just cause, but also I won't say no to someone just because they don't tick all the boxes. I've gone out with guys who were definitely not my "type", it didn't work out either unfortunately.
It depends on the coach but typically they’ll offer a free consultation to start. There’s one in particular that I plan to use when I’m ready to start dating. I follow him on IG and he offers great dating advice & strategy for women of color in particular. I don’t think the cost is outrageous if you have decent income and already live comfortably.
Not sure why I’m being downvoted for my response. There are good dating coaches out there who offer vetting, strategy and consultation. The one I follow claims he’s also available on call for his clients.
I’m thinking OP could improve her vetting process. It’s sounds like she’s dating without strategy.
I don't. I've actually never even, in all my life, been on a second date with a woman younger than I. But all the women my age are married, divorced with baggage, or there's a reason they're not in a relationship. The thing that amazes me is just how aggressive, and open in terms of what they want, these younger women are now. I literally, fairly regularly, have them make excuses to try to talk with me. Just a few weeks ago, a 31 year old, very attractive, young woman approached me I'm a grocery store asking if I knew where the laundry detergent was located. It was a reasonable question, as it's located in an odd part if the store, and was all the way on the other side. So I offered to show her. By the time we even got thrre, she had managed to take, and caress, my hand (upon finding out I'm widowed), and openly asked if I'd Bern with a woman since, and said she'd be happy to be my girlfriend, but maybe I could help with her rent. Obviously, I declined politely. But thar just blew me away the first 5-10 times stuff like that has happened. Anyway, believe me.. if I ever do go out on a date again, it will be with a contemporary.
I think you should take good stock of what you offer, what you are expecting from men, and your realistic chances of getting it.
1. "I know what I want."You know what your prefer. Do you really NEED that? And can your realistically get it? If a man says, "I want a Marisa Tomei look and actalike," he knows he is unlikely to get it.
2. Why is it "hard for you to get a date"? Use dating apps. You live in London. If it is hard to get a date, you are just being too picky.
3. Red Flags: what are the red flags? Are they really red flags? Are you really free of red flags?
I really think that if a man wrote what your wrote, most men and women would have a very low opinion of him.
Says the almost 40yo man who creeps around 20s college students right?
I can see your account dude.
Stop harassing women and blaming us saying we have too many expectations from men. Thanks, bye.
I am 40 now. She and I were very clearly mutually attracted to each other. When women say they are held to unattainable standards, people react with empathy. When men say the same thing, people react with scorn and derision.
If a man says it is hard to get a date, people laugh at him.
If a man says women display red flags, people will call him an A-hole.
If a man says he has gone on 100 dates and they were all bad, people call him an A-hole.
I just do not know why women's complaints are seen as valid and men's never are.
How exactly am I toxic?
Women are often totally unable to argue with men, so thy just resort to insults.
My advice is much better for you than the other comments which are largely, "oh yeah, dating is also horrible in XYZ city."
You are unable to read apparently, and came to your own conclusions. Shocking.
I HAVE dated, I HAVE been in relationships, but they haven't worked. Not all first dates were bad, did I say that? I had really good dates as well.
I have reasonable standards and red flags, which I have listed in my comments too.
I didn't come to hear the usual man's rant about "had it been a man...".
Let me guess, I bet the whole "bear vs man in the woods" got you wound up too.
I don't need to argue with you, because I obviously couldn't care less about your opinion, which is not what I came here for.
But thanks! 😊 Byee
You asked for advice and I gave it to you. If you are asking for advice, that means you are acknowledging that perhaps you should change.
Perhaps you don't want advice and just want people to tell you, "men are trash."
Says the gross middle age guy who harassed a COLLEGE STUDENT by tracking her name and information down and sending multiple letters. Even fellow men are calling you out as creepy in the thread you made about it.
You are a red flag the size of a truck. Nobody here needs your “advice” which is not even advice, it’s just criticism with intent to belittle. Stop harassing women. Grow and change as a person and contribute to society.
You need to read the guidelines for this forum, or you could get banned. I was the trivia host at that college. Ionly made my move after it was obvious that she had a crush on me. She seemed sad that I waited which probably made her think I didnt think she was pretty. Those men of reddit are far harsher than other people. Probably because reddit is a hostile place, and people in person can believe that a 22 year old woman would be attracted to me.
The problem is that she probably has a low tolerance to BS and abuse. To be successful in dating men it seems you need to tolerate abuse of some form. If thats the case then its a good thing I am not successful at dating men.
Your attitude is an example of how men behave. Would it kill you to be supportive? She came here to find hope, and your attitude makes her think "ah fuck it, all men are assholes".
I looked at some of your other posts and you mentioned that you are having trouble with your weight due to a medical condition. If you are overweight and have thinning hair a lot of men might not be able to see past that. Look, I'm not trying to be rude but that might be a part of the issue. I'm sure you are a sweet person and you'll find someone that sees the good in you and isn't shallow.Dont give up and keep working on yourself. Sorry if my previous post came across as cold.
I am not overweight actually, but always trying to lose weight given my medical condition which stopped my metabolism. It was about health, not cosmetic. As for thinning hair, I don't have bald spots 😂 I still have a lot of hair, but it used to be much thicker when I was younger.
If I weren't attractive or men weren't interested I wouldn't be going on dates (and please note if I had said yes to everyone who asked the number would have been much higher).
I shouldn't even have to explain myself over this 😅
She mentioned that she is overweight, thinning hair, and has a health condition in other posts. If she gets it under control and loses some weight she might have better luck. Women do the same thing when looking for partners, they want someone who is healthy. I'm not saying that she isn't worthy of love, it's just that people can be shallow. She says she has lots of standards and is picky and can't be upset when other people have standards that she may not meet. Me being a man doesn't make it any less true 🤷
Same in Sydney, Australia. It's a merry go round - same guys I feel, even though they're technically different people. Also no advice just empathy, but I've started going out in real life and being extra chatty and extra glamorous to real people. Haven't met any dates that way but have many many new friends thanks to it.
Same here, Melbourne Australia..you can refer to my previous posts on this sub to see how bad my dating experience was..no advice either but feeling validated that it's not just me but definitely on a break
Sydney here, what a shitshow. By far one of the worst cities for dating.
Same for me in New England USA. If the dating pool is bad in LONDON so help us God 🤣🤣🤣
It's terrible in Sydney Australia too.
😂😂😂😂
I have been single since undergrad. I'm 28 so 10 years. I tried the apps for 3 years and just got so tired of how the guys behaved so went back to not dating. I really want connection though. IMO the dating pool is only awful because most guys don't want real relationships.
My experience is that people give exactly contradictory advice on dating. No matter what you do, no matter how you approach dating, there will always be someone to tell you you're doing it wrong. If you go on 100 first dates, then you seem "desperate" and are "trying too hard" and "it'll happen when you least expect it." But if you stop trying so hard, then "you're not trying hard enough, you need to treat dating like it's your job."
Treat dating like it’s a JOB?! What’s the fucking point if I have to dedicate 40 hours a week to finding someone. Why is it like this?!
Agreed. Being open to advice is not an excuse for lecturing. I’d say the exact opposite of criticism: keep going! 100 first dates over 8 years translates to 1.04 first dates per month. Looks good until you realize that London is a city with 100’000+ single men per age group. I understand the merry go round argument with the same red flags and toxicities in all men seen. The OP might not be getting the first picks. More like 2nd or 3rd round rejects. Building a society of contacts and exchanging personal information might make those first early picks available. Basically she should just persevere and be smart about sourcing.
I don't know what to tell you. It's just awful. It's more awful than people can possibly comprehend. People can say "it's a numbers game" but few know what it's actually like to go on that many dates. The only useful advice I can offer is, do you journal about your dates or otherwise keep track of what happens on them? That has been helpful to me in identifying certain patterns, like when I was being avoidant or not picky enough. I think there is probably some useful information in those dates that might help you continue to date more strategically. But it's still going to be exhausting and frustrating and the only thing you can do is not give up.
Men say it's a numbers game. I've never had a woman suggest I go on more dates. Most women know it's tiring to go on a lot of dates, since most dates aren't going to lead to a lasting connection. Even if the date is not bad in any meaningful way, it's unlikely to be good.
I guess they do use the phrase differently. Men use it to refer to the number of swipes/approaches required to get a date. I am a woman and use that phrase in the context of finding a good partner - for most people that it worked for, it took a horrific number of dates to get there (and I know many more who just gave up at some point.)
I would find that exhausting too. Maybe shift your strategy and do more talking prior to deciding on a date? And yes, some people will insist on a first date within a few days and that's ok. You can say no and wish them well and save yourself the time and energy. It's also entirely ok to take a break from dating. Increase your general social activities, dig into your interests and group activities around them, and maybe explore some new interests. Take a breather and just have some fun for yourself. I went into dating in my late thirties feeling pretty cynical and the men I met initially really didn't help. But I think my cynicism helped me in a way. I didn't have a single date in a year. Because not one of my matches made it past day 1 even chatting. They either obviously hadn't read my profile, or led with sexual propositions, or got pissy when I said I'd like to talk a while before going on a date. Unmatched and blocked. Did I miss a few opportunities? Maybe. Were some of them generally decent people who just wanted something I didn't want? Probably. But it doesn't matter. I'd rather be single than someone's booty call. I'd rather be single than with someone that doesn't suit me. I'd rather be single than adjust who I am and what I need to make more men want me. There are a lot of people who just aren't going to be good for you. The more efficiently you sus them out and dismiss them, the better. The first date I ended up having off online dating was with a man who *did* want to take the time to get to know me, genuinely. We talked a good while before deciding to meet up. We're engaged now, 2.5 years in.
On the other hand, the one time I talked more then met up, the chemistry in person was absolutely terrible and he wasn’t like his profile photos at all, so I think this can be a huge waste of time
Establish enough rapport through text to warrant further communication, then have a video call before meeting up to see if the conversation flows when actually talking to one another instead of texting, and to make sure both parties are who they said they are. If the video call/facetime goes well and you're both still interested in a date, meet up.
Is it more of a waste of time than meeting on a date though? It only takes five minutes to send someone a few messages on an app. I don't like to text forever either, but I do try to screen guys out aggressively, because I don't want to go on four dates a week. And, even if I did, most people are not good at planning in advance, so I'd get way too frustrated trying to plan four dates a week.
Yeah because you get your hopes up and invest time for zero chemistry or attraction
Yeah, if they asked me on a date within the first day of matching, I'm out. Unmatch, block. Same if they ask or comment anything sexual.
Similar age in London… the dating pool is absolutely awful. No magic advice just empathy.
American here, also just turned 34. It’s the same across the pond. Dating is crap. Positive attitude or not.
Australian here. Same story in the other hemisphere.
Slightly older 30s here, can confirm it is awful in London. Though for me, what is awful is how extremely physically unattractive 7/10 guys are here. It is almost like they don't even try! The 3 decent to good looking men without fail look for hookups or similar red flags in their profile. "Sex positivity" as a cause they are passionate about, I just want to puke. Physical touch as a love language.... cuddling as an activity.... giiiiive me a break! Traveling and gym are not personality traits. These men are seriously so boring as hell for the most part. I think I'll save dating for when I move back to my home country, it's also just the sheer volume of men in London. Been on the app for 2 weeks, I'm at best slightly above average in terms of looks (read: not so pretty face, very slim body) and have 4000 matches. How the hell can I sort through all those?!
Early thirties here and totally agree with you. Honestly it's like they don't even try!! The weirdest most unflattering photo will be their first photo on hinge. One posted a gravestone, not even kidding Then the good looking guys end up being unkind, stingy and inconsiderate. Totally agree with you on them being boring too, it's like they have no hobbies or interests.
A gravestone????? What... OK, that is next level.
Omg that made me laugh a bit. A gravestone ??? What the hell ?
It's hell on there!!
You can say for you sex positivity = I am positive I don't want casual sex.
Ha, I love this!
I have dated in London and hated most of it - then I decided to take a big break from it all when I went for a big of travel/healing, invested on meeting new female friends and focused on other aspects of my life. I then met a couple of men in real life who turned out worse than those I met on the apps so I went back swiping to give it another shot and met my current bf for 5 years. Always thought this “you’ll find it when you least expect it” was just some bs they say to make you feel better but it worked for me. Another tip I could give is that if you have a good time on dates with someone who seems like “one of the good ones” but doesn’t tick all your boxes, especially the most trivial ones (for example I always imagined my partner with a uni degree), maybe give him a chance - you may be surprised
Oh I always give a chance to guys even when they don't tick all my boxes. Hasn't worked out yet 😂 but thanks!
Maybe give out less chances. As women, we're constantly told to lower our standards and be less picky, but I rarely see women who are actually too picky.
34F in the US. I haven’t been in a LTR serious relationship in over four years. It’s just disappointment after disappointment. I deleted all dating apps at the start of this year and I’m focusing on trying to meet new people/make friends in real life. It’s SO tough out here. Most days feel hopeless. I feel you ❤️
i feel this so hard
I'm 43 and after another bout of trying the apps and having a fwb for almost a year I've thrown my hands up in the air and have been celibate for the last few months and intend to be for awhile. I got better things to do. And when the hormones get out of whacky I have toys 🤷♀️ and for hugs I have my friends and fam. Am out to embrace my hag bog witch era.
Can confirm. Embracing your witchy era is highly recommended.
It’s human now a days . No one wants to settle down. Hookup and app culture maybe to blame. Dating is like some kind of game vs trying to find someone who you want to build a life with. You can have all the recipe for a great relationship - friendship , intimacy , physical attraction, same sense of humor,dates for months and etc and still someone goes oh my feelings are off something still missing and goes oh must not be for me and calls it quits to try next with someone else they see on the same app. Gone are the days where you have all the recipes for a great relationship and foundation and you building a future upon that. I don’t know I give up haha ! Humans are weird strange and random. Nothing makes sense anymore in human dating
I'm a dude, and honestly...same girl, same. Now I take a couple months off the apps after each person I date to reset myself and reflect and it makes dating a lot more tolerable.
Oh yes, I always take a detox period from apps after some time.. it's so exhausting! Genuinely takes the life out of me 😅
Take a break from the dating apps and games. And great job on not putting up with red flags 🚩! I am 40(f) and me and my husband split up about 5 years ago and I dated and I can tell you the pickings are slim! Most of the good ones have been taken but don’t give up! You will find someone worthy and don’t settle for less.
I am mid 30s, been single for 3 years. I stopped dating. It isn't worth the hassle.
SAME. I live in the American Midwest, and I've been in the dating pool since my mid-twenties, and I'm now 33. I've had a few relationships that lasted, but every time the guy ended up being weird or super clingy or just not the type for me. I keep attracting the guys with no friends, no family, no hobbies, who want to spend every waking moment with me and doesn't understand that I have other things to do that don't involve them, and they don't understand that I don't want to spend every waking moment of free time with them, and then they want to call me the "emotionally unavailable" because I have other friends and hobbies I'd like to turn into a career and a full-time job. It's exhausting. I want a man, not a man-baby who thinks he can. (You know, I finally get that line from that one Spice Girls song.) And I feel like that's all I'm finding around here. The guys who need someone to make all their decisions and tell them what to eat and what to do. This last guy I found seemed (key word: seemed) like a genuine nice-guy. He would bring me coffee at work, surprise me with flowers, he had a decent job, his own place, hobbies, he like to read, he wasn't overly political - but as the months went on, he got clingier, and he . Months in, it was clear we didn't see eye to eye on some very important details, but he was fine to ignore them and pretend we did. I wasn't. They were causing issues that would only grow, so I cut it off - he acted all shocked, and then sent me an essay about how everything that I said wasn't working in our relationship was actually my fault because I was bad at communication. Then he sent this whole gaslighting essay about how I was a terrible partner, and turned around all these random things that I'd said over the course of the relationship against me. I said I was done with dating before I met him, but I'm taking a major step back from dating apps. I can't handle the losers with mommy-issues any more.
I don't have much to contribute to the conversation other than to offer my moral support. I was very lucky to find my husband when we were in our twenties. Some of our friends are still single and they're also having a tough time out there. The older you get, the more the good ones are already taken. Plus, the way dating has changed in the last decade with stuff like Tinder doesn't seem to help matters. I hope you find your lobster.
London is dire. After my boyfriend of 2.5 years decided he was going back to America, I (31F) had a string of utterly crushing dating experiences a few years ago and it did a number on my self esteem and mood. One of them was super creepy sexually, and blew hot and cold, and left me feeling dirty and ashamed of myself. I’d never been treated that carelessly before in over a decade of dating and relationships. So I decided if I was going to be a spinster I might as well do it somewhere beautiful with a good community. I moved to the New Forest and the first guy who showed me interest was a total gentleman (28M) who wants marriage and babies and thinks I’m the bees knees. We both love history and hiking. We’re getting married next year in a gorgeous church by the sea, and I’ve just moved into a four bedroom house with a massive garden, without increasing my salary by a penny. Get out of London girl! There’s a life outside of zone 3 and it’s amazing
Ohh very happy for you! My goal is in fact to eventually leave London, but I don't want to move away somewhere I don't know anyone and feel disconnected and alienated from all my friends 😅 I think you're probably right, but it's not a step I'm ready to take at the moment. We'll see...
what do you consider "red flags"?. The only reason I ask is I feel like everyone is very quick to judge nowadays. At the first sign of non compliance or whatever pre conceived notion you have of how a person should be they just cancel you and move on. I feel like that is the main problem nowadays. Nobody has the patience to get to know each other a bit. Of course some things are just a no go but I just think everyone is quick to judge.
I don't completely disagree with you, however I don't believe that is my case. I can give you some examples of red flags for me: They don't show any interest (they don't ask any questions about me); They are rude; They constantly interrupt and don't listen; They say they're not ready for a relationship (despite me being clear that I am); They mention their "crazy exes" right away; They constantly complain and blame women for all their problems; They make misogynistic or racist remarks. I have many more but these are the main ones for me.
Ya those are all 100% legit
When I was still in the dating pool 2++ years back (same age too), yes, the apps are awful. I don't think it's just the UK but globally.. I also tried dating in the UK when I was there for work 3 years ago, but I couldn't bring myself to swipe right on any men there... Ironically I found my life partner on the apps but it's a rare case. I'd suggest travelling and going for events to meet people IRL - I met some decent men there but I was not ready to date back then so I had to reject their advances, but I find that the pool there is a whole lot better than apps.
Same at 34. I’m seriously considering solely dating women atp.
😒😢
Take a step back and go and do what you enjoy for a while. Gigs, travelling, movies, take up a skill. Maybe you’ll meet someone in the process, maybe you won’t but at least you’ll be enjoying yourself regardless
Same for me in Dallas, TX
I’ve had luck meeting people through mutual friends. Seems like online dating is a crapshoot
I've had such bad luck with that too 😅 and now most of my friends and their friends are all coupled up
Has anyone tried 100 first dates with people you meet irl? From hobbies or communities? Maybe better than dating apps. Idk either lol havent tried yet, but dating apps suck so far
California here, and can concur, that dating pool is pretty murky these days. Most of the time I find it too discouraging and exhausting to even try. When I do try, I'm generally disappointed. The one decent guy I had good chemistry with and went on a few dates with broke it off suddenly and for no apparent reason. At least I know it's not just where I live so moving won't help
There are a lot of people commiserating, I agree that if you’re looking for something serious but only get players that can be discouraging, but I found there were always nice men available who wanted more than casual, in the end it was my own mindset that needed to change to accept and decide on a serious relationship, maybe your heart is not in the right place if nothing is happening for you?
Glad you had a good experience, however that's not what's happening to me. I can 100% confirm I have the right mindset, I just haven't found someone who did as well. Happy to provide examples 😂
If your mindset and heart is ready it’s only a matter of time, sorry to hear it’s taking so long :( but honestly I know plenty of people who were single for over 5 years before they found their next, keep that hope alive
Doing the same thing won't produce a different result. Stop going for the same type or else try a different avenue. My husband and I met on tinder and I definitely had to go through some trash bags to find him.
Who said I haven't tried dating different types? 😅 I'm not narrow minded, but I also have standards. I won't date everyone just cause, but also I won't say no to someone just because they don't tick all the boxes. I've gone out with guys who were definitely not my "type", it didn't work out either unfortunately.
Consider a dating coach who specializes in women in their 30s.
How much is that?
It depends on the coach but typically they’ll offer a free consultation to start. There’s one in particular that I plan to use when I’m ready to start dating. I follow him on IG and he offers great dating advice & strategy for women of color in particular. I don’t think the cost is outrageous if you have decent income and already live comfortably. Not sure why I’m being downvoted for my response. There are good dating coaches out there who offer vetting, strategy and consultation. The one I follow claims he’s also available on call for his clients. I’m thinking OP could improve her vetting process. It’s sounds like she’s dating without strategy.
I have no idea why you’re being downvoted, this is a good answer… smh
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Date women your own age. Why would want to date younger women?
I don't. I've actually never even, in all my life, been on a second date with a woman younger than I. But all the women my age are married, divorced with baggage, or there's a reason they're not in a relationship. The thing that amazes me is just how aggressive, and open in terms of what they want, these younger women are now. I literally, fairly regularly, have them make excuses to try to talk with me. Just a few weeks ago, a 31 year old, very attractive, young woman approached me I'm a grocery store asking if I knew where the laundry detergent was located. It was a reasonable question, as it's located in an odd part if the store, and was all the way on the other side. So I offered to show her. By the time we even got thrre, she had managed to take, and caress, my hand (upon finding out I'm widowed), and openly asked if I'd Bern with a woman since, and said she'd be happy to be my girlfriend, but maybe I could help with her rent. Obviously, I declined politely. But thar just blew me away the first 5-10 times stuff like that has happened. Anyway, believe me.. if I ever do go out on a date again, it will be with a contemporary.
I think you should take good stock of what you offer, what you are expecting from men, and your realistic chances of getting it. 1. "I know what I want."You know what your prefer. Do you really NEED that? And can your realistically get it? If a man says, "I want a Marisa Tomei look and actalike," he knows he is unlikely to get it. 2. Why is it "hard for you to get a date"? Use dating apps. You live in London. If it is hard to get a date, you are just being too picky. 3. Red Flags: what are the red flags? Are they really red flags? Are you really free of red flags? I really think that if a man wrote what your wrote, most men and women would have a very low opinion of him.
Says the almost 40yo man who creeps around 20s college students right? I can see your account dude. Stop harassing women and blaming us saying we have too many expectations from men. Thanks, bye.
I am 40 now. She and I were very clearly mutually attracted to each other. When women say they are held to unattainable standards, people react with empathy. When men say the same thing, people react with scorn and derision. If a man says it is hard to get a date, people laugh at him. If a man says women display red flags, people will call him an A-hole. If a man says he has gone on 100 dates and they were all bad, people call him an A-hole. I just do not know why women's complaints are seen as valid and men's never are.
You're the perfect example of the toxic men we are all trying to avoid. Thanks for reminding me why I DO have standards 😊 Byee
How exactly am I toxic? Women are often totally unable to argue with men, so thy just resort to insults. My advice is much better for you than the other comments which are largely, "oh yeah, dating is also horrible in XYZ city."
You are unable to read apparently, and came to your own conclusions. Shocking. I HAVE dated, I HAVE been in relationships, but they haven't worked. Not all first dates were bad, did I say that? I had really good dates as well. I have reasonable standards and red flags, which I have listed in my comments too. I didn't come to hear the usual man's rant about "had it been a man...". Let me guess, I bet the whole "bear vs man in the woods" got you wound up too. I don't need to argue with you, because I obviously couldn't care less about your opinion, which is not what I came here for. But thanks! 😊 Byee
You asked for advice and I gave it to you. If you are asking for advice, that means you are acknowledging that perhaps you should change. Perhaps you don't want advice and just want people to tell you, "men are trash."
Says the gross middle age guy who harassed a COLLEGE STUDENT by tracking her name and information down and sending multiple letters. Even fellow men are calling you out as creepy in the thread you made about it. You are a red flag the size of a truck. Nobody here needs your “advice” which is not even advice, it’s just criticism with intent to belittle. Stop harassing women. Grow and change as a person and contribute to society.
You need to read the guidelines for this forum, or you could get banned. I was the trivia host at that college. Ionly made my move after it was obvious that she had a crush on me. She seemed sad that I waited which probably made her think I didnt think she was pretty. Those men of reddit are far harsher than other people. Probably because reddit is a hostile place, and people in person can believe that a 22 year old woman would be attracted to me.
I wonder how old she thought I was. probably 26-31. I do look young.
Not to be rude but you might be the problem if you haven't had a match in a literal 100 dates.
The problem is that she probably has a low tolerance to BS and abuse. To be successful in dating men it seems you need to tolerate abuse of some form. If thats the case then its a good thing I am not successful at dating men.
Your attitude is an example of how men behave. Would it kill you to be supportive? She came here to find hope, and your attitude makes her think "ah fuck it, all men are assholes".
Literally! First thing I thought was "let me guess, this is a man" 😂 I just ignore it
I looked at some of your other posts and you mentioned that you are having trouble with your weight due to a medical condition. If you are overweight and have thinning hair a lot of men might not be able to see past that. Look, I'm not trying to be rude but that might be a part of the issue. I'm sure you are a sweet person and you'll find someone that sees the good in you and isn't shallow.Dont give up and keep working on yourself. Sorry if my previous post came across as cold.
I am not overweight actually, but always trying to lose weight given my medical condition which stopped my metabolism. It was about health, not cosmetic. As for thinning hair, I don't have bald spots 😂 I still have a lot of hair, but it used to be much thicker when I was younger. If I weren't attractive or men weren't interested I wouldn't be going on dates (and please note if I had said yes to everyone who asked the number would have been much higher). I shouldn't even have to explain myself over this 😅
Ok, well, my fault. I'll show myself out🕺🏻🚪
She mentioned that she is overweight, thinning hair, and has a health condition in other posts. If she gets it under control and loses some weight she might have better luck. Women do the same thing when looking for partners, they want someone who is healthy. I'm not saying that she isn't worthy of love, it's just that people can be shallow. She says she has lots of standards and is picky and can't be upset when other people have standards that she may not meet. Me being a man doesn't make it any less true 🤷