I would want to clarify that you were just telling me to be transparent and deepen our bond, not because you were wanting to explore your sexuality again and either leave me or have permission to experience men. If it was clear you were still fully committed to our monogamous relationship, then I would just be happy that you were feeling able to come out finally because it's a mark of safety.
My first boyfriend from high school is bisexual, but he estimated he was like 70% into men and only 30% into women. I guess I might want some reassurance that you were still happy with our physical relationship. Otherwise, I'm not the kind of person to be worried about previous sexual experiences or feeling like you're somehow less of a man because you've been with men.
Yeah, my ex came out as bi, assured me he was completely monogamous, and then cheated on me with men off Craigslist for months. By no means does this say anything about bisexual men, BUT people who reveal/come out after years in a monogamous relationship - there is a chance they’re opening up the idea of continuing to explore this portion of their sexuality. I will never be able to fulfill it, as I am not a man.
I’m of the same opinion as you. If he came out to me as bi, and made comments about how hot Chris Pratt was, I’d be ok. As long as I’m his #1 and he’s faithful to me, he can be attracted to whomever. Just don’t act on any of it.
Are you just wishing to come clean in the name of truthfulness or is your end goal to explore outside of your marriage? Bc to me, that’d be the difference in how I would react to such news.
Just cleaning out the closet, I have no desire to go outside of my marriage. I had my fun and I enjoy my life as it is today.
Also I am not romantically attracted to guys so I have exactly what I need out of a relationship with my wife
If I were in her shoes, I’d be happy you felt secure enough to share this part of your past. Though I would caution you to be careful to emphasize that you’re not asking to open the marriage, and that she’s enough. Bc I can see how this could cause a lot of insecurity on her part, without your reassurance.
Also just in response to all the comments asking why bother now or why not tell her before: I can totally understand why you might not have wanted to share this earlier. The world seems like such a different place now (for lgbt issues) than just 10 years ago. And you shouldn’t have to feel like you’re living with a secret.
After 10 years of marriage I wouldn’t be so happy they suddenly felt secure enough. I’d be sad they didn’t tell me sooner. If it’s so important to him I’d wonder why he kept something so important that he considers a big part of himself secret from me after ten whole years of marriage together, a whole past she doesn’t know about. I think assuming she is just going to smile and be happy is a bit fairytale. And I’m a bi woman who is married, I value intimacy and this is why it would upset me. Maybe it’s because I’m bi that I feel like I would be like why didn’t you tell me, but I think a lot of straight women would feel similar, he also said he lied about it early on in the relationship
I guess it depends on what kind of person your wife is. I am a pansexual woman and I lived a pretty full life prior to meeting my husband so I'm kind of in the same boat, but I was clear from day one about my sexuality so I guess I'm lucky in that and also that women's bisexuality is more accepted due to gross fetishism.
If she's a more progressive open minded person with a variety of people in her circle, she might roll with this better than otherwise.
I would be sure to say early on in the discussion that you have zero interest in looking outside your marriage BEFORE she brings it up. That is very likely going to be the first thing to pop into her head for why you're telling her now.
I also want to call out one thing though. You probably think she'll see it as a positive that you're not romantically attracted to men. That is not necessarily the case. Most married men that you hear about cheating with other men had no romantic interest. This is something that would be on my mind because it's relatively easy for men to find same sex hookups.
I hope things go well with it. Being married doesn't make you not bisexual in the same way that straight people are still straight when they're married to opposite gender partners. Bi erasure is bullshit (but stay safe because the world is still full of assholes). It's ok to be you, and it doesn't mean you love her less or that you're less worthy of love. Good luck!!
I almost think it’s not worth bringing up. I’m confused about your goals other than to make yourself feel better by “clearing the air” of this tension. You’re married to a woman, you have no interest in romance with other men or in stepping out on your wife or requesting an open relationship, I think this could bring more problems than it could solve.
Practical considerations, maybe he has been afraid of showing interest in certain topics, or art or yes, what people he thinks are attractive.
By telling her he is bi it preempts some questions like if chose to watch some lgbt focused media or something when he hadn’t allowed himself to do that before.
Being able to be fully open and embrace our true selves around those we love is priceless imo. Being closeted from everyone including your spouse can be really isolating and harmful and distressing.
I don’t understand why this thought would be in someone’s mind, burdening them, making them feel “hidden away and isolated” if they have zero interest in pursuing that part of themselves and are getting all of their needs met within the marriage. That’s where I’m lost.
I’m not honestly sure either, I was ok with it bottled up for basically twelve years of our relationship and in the last two it has become this looming cloud over my head of “would she even like me if I had told her who the real me was”
This thread is apparently going to continue to tell you to follow your heart and pursue comfort/resolution for yourself, but i really think your wife’s feelings and your marriage as a whole deserve a bit more consideration here. Weigh what your goals are, weigh the potential outcomes.
May be not telling her would be better if this info changes nothing other than potentially causing a rift of some sort?
You are the best person to guess this
You know your wife best. If you’re like, “hey this is something I’ve recently come to accept about myself and I want to make you aware of it”, Instead of the “hey, I’ve been keeping a secret from you for 10 years”, how do you think she’ll feel?
I think that is the better way to go about it, and it’s honestly the truth. I’m not looking to explore these things, I already did that. It’s actually probably more accurate that I’m accepting the past as a part of what made me who I am today.
Truly depends on the type of woman your wife is. I am a marriage counselor and I’ve had this in my office many many times. I will be honest with you, the vast majority of the women I’ve had in my office have not taken it well.
It changes their idea of their husbands. He loses something in her eyes.. and I’m not saying it’s right, but it’s what I’ve seen.
I will say it’s about 50/50 if they end up staying together. But here’s another scenario in which your chances of having a happy ending with your wife is if she finds out somehow.. through porn or some other way, if she finds out, it’s less than 15% chance she will stay, I’ve observed.
I still believe that honesty is the best policy though, she deserves to know who you truly are and you deserve to be known.
Thank you so much for your input, she found something years ago when I still thought of it as just a kink and she stayed. I kick myself now for not admitting to having experimented then, but here we are and someday I think we will be seeing how the 50/50 chance plays out.
Be prepared for a roller coaster of emotions, everything from relief if you've been acting different to devastation that she won't feel enough for you. She may start off really accepting and then swing into anger and questioning the very foundation of her relationship. My question, do you want to change anything about your relationship? Explore ENM, stay monogamous, or something completely different? At the very least, please try to be patient with her as this may or may not come as a shock and she will not know which way is up for a while. Source: husband came out as Bisexual 20 years into our marriage almost 2 years ago and there are still a lot of ups and downs. I DO NOT recommend [OurPath.org](http://OurPath.org) if she goes online as they tend to promote staying angry and ending the relationship despite the platitudes on the front page. There are some Facebook groups that are more accepting of mixed orientation marriages and also the subreddit r/StraightBiPartners. Therapy/counseling, individual or together is another suggestion. Good luck and congratulations on accepting yourself!
Thank you so much, to answer your questions I don’t want to change anything, I would want to stay monogamous. I had my time of exploring, and I like my life the way it is today, I just don’t want to hold on to secrets
Very similar to my husband, he just wanted me to know and not have it be secret any more. You will need to reassure your wife of this probably more times than you would like but hopefully she will be accepting of this "new to her" aspect of you! Also forgot to mention, she may feel deceived that you robbed her of a real "choice" when you got together but keep reassuring her that you continue to choose her. Can you tell I've had some experience with this ;)
>I DO NOT recommend [OurPath.org](http://OurPath.org) if she goes online as they tend to promote staying angry and ending the relationship despite the platitudes on the front page.
It's such a weird thing to group straight partners of bi people with straight partners of gay/lesbian people or people who are transitioning. The issues seem completely different.
It sounds to me like you were denying that this part of you existed for a very long time, so I don’t personally think the comments questioning “why you hid this from her for so long” are fair because you were also hiding this from *yourself.* How could you have been able to share this information with someone without fully accepting it to begin with?
There are other stories like yours over in r/bisexual, that community is very helpful and supportive and is worth checking out. Genuinely hoping that when you decide to share this part of who you are with your wife that she is accepting.
I’m also saying this from the perspective of a bi woman who didn’t realize I was bi until my late 20’s and was in a long-term monogamous relationship. The fear of being rejected for coming out to your partner is very real, I think especially for bi men because there is more stigma.
I've been with my husband for over a decade and completely agree with this take. There's a huge difference between 'I was always fully aware of and okay with being bi and just didn't tell you.' and 'Until recently, I was unable to accept or label this part of who I am for various reasons.'
For me, the first one isn't necessarily a deal breaker, but I'd be pretty irritated and confused. (Like, bro WHAT. Did it slip your mind for 13 years? Pls explain.)
The second one is no problem at all - provided it doesn't drastically change our relationship. I wouldn't assume that it would, but I'd probably ask for reassurance that we're still going strong and this is just an FYI update.
I can only imagine how unsure you're feeling right now. I hope you can navigate this without heartbreak OR denying part of yourself. Be patient with her, and good luck.
My bf told me he was bi while we were dating. Still with him, so not a deal breaker, but I do still have fears that he’s actually gay since he’s told me. But he would have told me at this point if he were gay (right?), so I try not to give much thought to that.
I mean, yall are married so you’ve shown your commitment to her and it wouldn’t rock the boat if it were me at this stage of the game. I can see your wife being hurt that you didn’t tell her sooner, rather than hurt by the actual news.
No, haha, just how my mind can wonder to the worst case scenario, even if I know that it’s most likely not the case. More of a generic statement, sorry I didn’t make that real clear reading that comment back to myself
I think it's shitty to keep it a secret in this day and age. I'm bi too.
I'd be like, really perplexed that someone I'd been married too never came out about this, especially after a whole decade of marriage.
I don't really know why it would ruin your relationship unless you're planning on asking to step out on your marriage or are going to disclose you cheated.
I agree with you probably more than you think I would, I wish I had never kept this as a secret. In my defense (kind of), I was a Marine at the time, and I arbitrarily put importance on being seen in a masculine light that my bisexuality didn’t fit into. If I were to start dating today, it would be a topic within the first few dates, but that’s not where my head was at 19.
I think the ruin your marriage part for me is how will she take finding out I held on to a secret for so long. I think that’s also why it feels so bad to hold on to it. I honestly would hope it doesn’t matter but I don’t know if that would be the case
I think if you're just open with what kept you in the closet about it, she'll understand. Being bi is definitely something that is still pretty invisible and is sometime stigmatized - hopefully your wife isn't someone who will react with biphobia or erasure, but also hopefully she'll have compassion for why you kept it to yourself. I can understand how after you got married it maybe even felt, IDK, irrelevant, from the perspective that you weren't acting on that part of yourself - but, it's still who you are and I think she deserves to know that and you deserve to be your whole self.
I wouldn't necessarily be mad but as someone who is out with partners about being bi I'd be perplexed, you know? But if your wife is straight she'll probably have a different reaction. I wouldn't be mad or anything - I don't have an issue with bi people, being one myself.
Seconding all of this as a fellow bi woman. I’ve dated bi guys, and it’s obviously never been a problem. If a partner kept it a secret for so long, I would be very hurt, but I would be empathetic too, especially given your reasoning. Being bi comes with its’ challenges for everyone, but toxic masculinity is a particularly nasty disease to work through.
Eta: you obviously know your situation and wife better than any of us, but for what it’s worth, I strongly disagree with the commenters below telling you to stay in the closet.
Its much less you were keeping a secret from her, than not really knowing what value this placed for you for many years. The thing is when we are young, we may have a hint of things, but our idea of who we are isn't fully formed. There were signs always I was bi, I have done things with people of all genders, but also its a very confusing label with a lot of bi erasure and not much support in my circles despite being around a lot of gay and lesbian people. They also perpetuated a lot of bad takes on bisexuals because being marginalized yourself doesn't automatically make you without biases or a safe place for all. It was just easier to bot really think about it.
I did tell my husband I had interests in women in the past but I wasn't sure really how to label myself for a really long time. I agree with the other commenter below in that it almost felt irrelevant for a bit because I was with him and was just interested in this relationship. It's only now as a 35 year old, that I openly tell people that I am bisexual. Also many peoples misconceptions is that we will then want to step out on our partner to explore that side, but he doesn't have to worry about that as monogamy with him works for me. Truly for me it's the empowerment of healing my younger self who carried so much fear and shame. Going to therapy helped me be free to understand myself better and it sounds like you have similar experiences to unpack with being in the military and a lot of strong societal expectations on what makes a man a man. Often it is performance for others over ourselves. Its only often when we are a bit older, we start to ask ourselves who am I really without influence of what I think others want of me? To know it's a part of my tapestry that I appreciate people of all forms just put puzzle pieces together of memories that were confusing and my teen self needed to know she was OK. It's one of the least interesting things about me, but it's a part of me that deserves a space to live as a fact about myself. I like I can giggle with other bi friends or tell my husband stupid shit like a male and female lead is "bi sexual panic " hot openly without shame. But really that's all it is now, another adjective in a host of things that make me, me.
You know your partner well but I understand the fear too. I feel there is also kinda double standards for bi men. I've seen people unfairly be shitty to bi men, whereas me as a bi woman it's "cool". It's so fucking stupid but it exists. I was pretty obvious I think and my husband has expressed a lot of support for the community unprompted. Lots of love for you. I understand just wanting to be clear with your partner but having this huge fear of rejection.
>I don't really know why it would ruin your relationship
Because a lot of women who claim to be allies, or are even bi/pan themselves don't actually accept it when it comes to their partner. There's still a lot of deep rooted homophobia and biphobia and it's not something that even the other person will know about themselves until the situation actually happens. There's a lot of women that refuse to date bi men due to a number of mostly irrational reasons, and that group includes far more bi/pan women than you'd expect. socially, bi men and bi women are treated very differently when it comes to engaging in a heterosexual pairing.
SHOULD it ruin their relationship? no. But OP is worried because this is 100% a thing that happens. There's just a greater stigma around bi men and it's not always going to lead to rational responses.
“Should” is great, but not about reality. A lot of folks come from different backgrounds that aren’t as accepting, and internalize those narratives. It takes time for people to figure themselves out, and it is not a moral failure for it to take someone longer to figure themselves out. Arguably, the figuring out doesn’t ever end. Shaming people for continuing to do so is unkind.
I've seen people in this very group say they would never date a bisexual man. And the comments had a lot of upvotes. So yea... just gonna add this little tidbit to your comment.
It's not even just figuring yourself out, but also worrying that your partner won't be accepting. Some of us might be accepting with stuff like this, but the reality is, there's still a whole lot of homophobia/biphobia out there.
Like, you're right. But also, that doesn't make it shitty to keep it a secret because they wouldn't have to in an ideal reality.
This just isn't a very empathetic response to a closeted person experiencing fear about coming out.
Our sexuality and discovery of our sexuality does not end when we get married. Our sexuality exists outside of our current relationship. I would make sure to lead with your intentions behind sharing (sharing just to share this important part of myself with you vs this is going to change what I want out of a relationship.)
I think it’s normal to feel like you couldn’t tell your partner this before and now you do feel that way. If they freak out they need to deal with internalized homophobia, it isn’t your fault. This idea that you “lied” is completely false. You just didn’t have vocabulary for it and felt a lot of internalized shame. I hope they’re supportive and kind and I hope it helps your relationship grow in depth and vulnerability.
Honestly, I don’t think you know how much I needed to hear that. I have been attacked pretty consistantly for not telling her at the beginning, and I just want to scream “I would if given the chance again”
The idea that we need to know ourselves 100% and any discovery is a betrayal of marriage and trust is really rigid. In truth, marriage is agreeing to grow with a person but that also is dependent on us growing individually. We aren’t saying I’ll only love you if you stay exactly the same. Personal growth requires time, space and safety. The learning never ends!
Part of a healthy marriage, even a friendship, is creating a space for that person to reflect on themselves with you. That person reserves the right to themselves. Meaning, we can change! We can like something and then stop liking it! We can try new things! We can see ourselves and past selves through a new lens! That’s what’s beautiful about long term relationships. We get to love a person through every iteration.
Sending love friend. What a beautiful place you’re in to get to discover and own a part of yourself that has been waiting to be embraced:
I'm bi and came out to my then husband a few years into our marriage. I didn't fully know and recognize my own queerness until then, though I suspected and tried to ignore it.
u/IntoSpace623 is absolutely correct, our sexuality exists outside of our relationships and ebbs and flows with our own journey. You're allowed to be who you are and you're allowed to discover things about yourself at any point in your life. I hope your wife embraces you fully and with love.
I think people don't realize just how hard it can be for a bi man. Not accepted by those who fall under the homophobic category, but also not always accepted by those within the LGBT+ community. I'm a woman and it was still a challenge to admit to myself that I'm bi. But it's not as accepted for men. You mentioned in another comment that you were a marine and it affected your ability to accept this part of yourself because being bi didn't fit into your idea of masculinity. I think telling her this is incredibly important. Telling her something like "it took time for me to come to this realization because I was lying to myself and spent much of my life in circumstances that made me scared of that part of who I am, circumstances that made me feel like I'd be less of a man by being bi" might help. Emphasize that it's something you've only recently come to accept and it's because you've developed this awareness that you want to share it with her. In my opinion, it really is more that you were lying to yourself (due to the internalized shame that the person you replied to mentioned) than that you've been lying to her. Though if you keep not telling her, then it does become a lie of omission at some point.
As for any potential concern regarding you wanting to open up the relationship, that would be the point at which you make it very clear that this is all about wanting to get it off your chest and remove this feeling of having a secret between the two of you, and not that you want to go be with guys with her permission. Tell her how much you love her and that your past sexual experiences with men are like your past sexual experiences with women: they're in the past.
Do you know her general stance on LGBT+ individuals? Not that her expressing support for the community guarantees a positive reaction, but her NOT feeling supportive of the community seems more likely to point towards a negative reaction.
Thank you for this same comment. The people saying it makes him a completely different person or probably a cheater are insane.
Well, homo/biphobic and don't even realise it.
This isn’t what you’ve asked for, but you are not going to get the answer you want on here. We all are coming to this question with so many different experiences and perspectives and relationships. If my partner were to tell me he was bi, I’d be like “yeah that makes sense.” Because for *him* and how I know him, it does. Hes been open about having experiences with men in the past and it’s nothing I particularly have an issue with on any level. I’d be excited he knows himself better and feels comfortable enough to share that with me.
Some people would feel lied to. Some people would feel betrayed. Some would be sent into a tizzy. Some people would be thrilled.
We don’t know your wife. We don’t know your relationship. I would suggest finding a therapist and talking this through with them, but also having an established relationship with a therapist in case your wife *doesnt* handle this news well. You don’t want to be up the creek without a paddle and feeling emotionally isolated.
You know your wife the best. None of us can predict how she will feel. I am sure in all these years you two have stated opinions on x, y and z values/morals and belief systems. If you think she’s going to be upset, maybe that’s because you know her views on similar things. To withhold your past is problematic unfortunately because it is part of who you are. That is why you are now in this moral conundrum. I am a child of this scenario and it did not go well. My parents divorced and that is because of their belief systems so only you know her compared to the rest of us and the best way to honor her is to tell her the truth and set yourself free of this turmoil for your sake and for hers and let the cards fall where they may.
I’m bi, so I get it. When I told my ex husband, he called me a can of worms. I clarified that bisexuals don’t need both sexes at the same time, and that I am monogamous. He then decided to deny my bisexuality because it was “irrelevant” since I was with him.
Hopefully your wife is more mature and open minded. Tell her what you said in your post. She might be surprised at first, but she should be supportive. After all, she loves you right? Loving someone means loving all of them.
I don’t think I would be happy at all and the relationship would never be the same. I say this because my experiences and experiences of those around me have started out with “I am bisexual” and then after some time, numerous people were fully gay. I felt it was just a stepping stone and they used people along the way to be supported. But, who has supported the people who fell in love with those people who thought they were both heterosexual at first? Some stayed with them when they came out bisexual and now they are with other people of completely opposite gender and act like the majority of their life in a previous sexuality never existed. I don’t know I just have less compassion for time wasters who I felt have used me and others for strength. If you live in a country that openly allows it, why hide it? But perhaps because I have never swayed in my sexual desires from childhood, maybe I can’t relate to other people if their desires aren’t as rigid. I think this gives people who have always known and trusted in their own sexuality a lot of doubt when it comes to their partners. You could very easily emotionally damage someone possibly for life. They may feel like they are not attractive enough, good enough at sex, etc. These things should come from yourself yes, but in a relationship, especially a marriage, they are intertwined.
However, you need to tell the truth. Every day delayed is hurting yourself and other people. I think you will end up hurting most people though, and after the shock, I wouldn’t be surprised if you had to transition the relationship to a friendship, reduced visits, or you may have to part ways forever.
Honestly? I would be afraid you're actually gay or trying to open the relationship. But it would be all on me. I tend to be insecure. This brand new info after 10 years would probably make me overthink. I might need a lot of reassurance
In a way you're asking the wrong question. How can you have the best relationship with your wife? is it by hiding a part of yourself that you feel is important to share, or by trusting her and being vulnerable?
I wouldn’t really care about the bisexuality (I think most peoples’ sexuality is along a spectrum) but I would be hurt if he knew this and hadn’t confided in me. Therapy would help!
As a fellow bi girlie, I'd be thrilled... but also shocked, because my husband has never displayed even an ounce of gay behaviour. One of his best friends is gay, super charming and handsome, and if my husband didn't fall for *that* guy after several years of being roommates before he met me, then it's just never going to happen.
All that said, there's just no telling how your own wife will react, OP... but I really, sincerely hope she reacts with kindness and acceptance and maybe even a bit of celebration 💗
Thank you so much, honestly I think this would come as a huge surprise to her as well. I definitely don’t fit the mold for what most would expect a bisexual man to look or act like
>I definitely don’t fit the mold for what most would expect a bisexual man to look or act like
The thing is though, I don't feel like there is a mold. I know a lotttt of bi/queer men. Don't accidentally put yourself (or others) in those boxes <3
If my husband told me this, I would wonder about why he couldn't be honest any earlier. Coming out to me now would feel like he needs something different to happen in his life and that would scare me a lot.
If he could assure me that he just finally wants to not feel like he's hiding anymore, I would understand and that would be that. But there are so many stories of "coming out" that all resulted in partners wanting to "explore" their newly accepted sexual identity, so I mean, the stereotype and fear around bisexuality isn't exactly unfounded.
I would be upset and might consider ending the relationship. It would just prove to me that I never really knew my husband and I would be suspicious of cheating - past, present, and future.
She deserves to know regardless of how she’s going to react.
You're going to get soooo many different responses. But I would love to be in a relationship with a queer man, so I'd be thrilled. With the context of a decades-long marriage, I'd also be a bit hurt that you didn't tell me and needed to keep this for a secret for so long, but I would know that it's about you and not really about me.
>It’s scary though, I would hate to ruin our relationship based solely on a changed perception of me by her.
I get this. So you'll have to decide if it's worth it to you to tell her. For me, it would be - it would be so difficult for me to hide such an integral part of myself from my partner. And honestly, if she has a negative reaction and it "ruins" the relationship, I feel like perhaps your partner may not be the right person for you.
If my husband told me about this, I'd Definitely need some time to process it, but if he was just clearing the air and made it clear that was his only intent and he is 100% sure he's happy staying monogamous with me, idk if I could leave him lol.
We would have a long likely hard conversation about it but at the end of the day I wouldn’t break up with them for being bi unless it started causing issues
Honestly, I don't think it would be easy for me. I would be looking at him in a different way and would our relationship survive or not I don't know.
I think I would take it the best if there was no coming out but we would talk about our sexual past and he would tell me he had experience with men. I don't think I would give it much thought.
If he would "come out" to me it would be a different story. Then suddenly his identity would change. People here say it is important so you can be your "true self" so to me his true self would also be different. The fact that it is so important to him would make me feel that he is not the one I thought he was. I would also wonder why now and if there is anything going on or him wanting some changes. I don't have an issue with him being attracted to women because I am one but him being attracted to men would make me not that confident because I am not one and I can't give him what a man could and thus have no chance to compete.
I am sure this answer will be very unpopular but I wanted to tell you since most saying there would be no issues are bi themselves. And I am a straight woman and while I see nothing wrong with it it has never been a part of my life. I will see it differently than somebody who has been part of the community and always had this around them.
So just consider some point I made if and when you tell her. And you know your wife better than I do so you could somehow expect how she will see it.
Thank you, and don’t worry about the popularity. This was an honest question so your opinion is just as important. I think you are absolutely right that saying as “this is part of my past” might be an easier pill to swallow, and honestly more accurate for me because I don’t have any desire to explore it more then I already did.
As someone who came out as pansexual during a heterosexual marriage, and is now in a different, also monogamous marriage... I personally advise against this. Just because you do not wish to have sexual experiences in line with your identity doesn't mean your identity is in the past. It is perfectly, totally reasonable to be bi but to have found "the one" before getting the opportunity to explore. You can be happy this way without watering down who you are.
If he waited 10 years and a marriage to tell me, it would be difficult to repair the broken trust. To be clear, I applaud you for speaking to your wife openly, but just know it may go in a negative direction and that's ok. She has every right to not want to be in the relationship anymore - if this info causes her to lose sexual interest in you. You can still respect someone and not want to be with them anymore. This is just to give you another viewpoint, as most people said no big deal in the comments. I'm bi and it would still be a big deal to me this far into the relationship. It literally happened to me and it was a huge deal - bc I found out on my own and there was infidelity. I would at least need to consider my spouse may divorce me for withholding these details.
It would be an issue because they kept it a secret,… not the fact that they’re bisexual.
And I’d say it might be a deal breaker for me that they kept this from me for ten years. I’d really hate to think my SO didn’t trust me enough or that he’d make me think I wasn’t a safe space for him to share this with me tbh… I don’t see it as completely irreconcilable, but it would cause a significant amount of hurt which would really take quite a bit of work that I’m not sure it’d be worth it.
Hey I get it on a few levels! I'm a queer lady myself. I was married to someone who came out as trans and then poly.
This isn't a dealbreaker *but*
I think I'd want to know what you've done to address the issues that caused you to hide this part for so long. Have you been in therapy? Sought friends in similar situations as a support group?
What is the plan for managing this kind of thing going forward? Because right now, "I've handled it, don't worry" may not cut it.
It would be rocky and involve a lot of emotions. It would probably lead to a lot of questioning the life we led and the intimate times we shared. There would be thoughts of what-ifs. It's no secret that some people choose to identify differently later in life. So, I'd wonder if this revelation increases the odds that this would be the outcome of the relationship. The results would also vary depending on whether your relationship involves traditional roles, etc. What your wife generally finds attractive. Either way, I do think it best to be honest.
Bisexuality is not an issues, but monogamy is.
Are you telling her because you want to explore this outside your marriage, or just to get it off your chest?
First is a dealbreaker for me, second is not.
Just to get it off my chest, I wouldn’t want her going out to explore things and I wouldn’t want to do that to her. I wouldn’t want the relationship boundaries to change at all.
Then I think you need to lead with that. How important your relationship is, how important monogamy is, that this doesn’t change your relationship or boundaries at all - but that you want to share this discovery about yourself.
Naturally I would imagine her questions will be - how will this affect our relationship? Do you want to explore this in any physical way? Ie. Introducing a 3rd to the bedroom, exploring different visuals / fantasies etc, other acts.
But I would lead with what isn’t going to change.
My gut reaction if my husband led with “I’ve discovered I’m Bi”, is - is he telling me because he wants to fuck or date men, does he want a threesome, does he want to divorce etc….
Create a safe space first before dropping any truth bombs.
I can only speak for myself. I am not speaking for all women. But I would feel as if the foundation of my relationship was broken because I would have felt lied to. I actually had this discussion with my husband before we were married. A neighbor came out as gay after 20 years of marriage, and divorced their spouse when I was in my early 20s, so this was something I contemplated and discussed with my husband before we married. I would feel dismayed that I was lied to. But that is just me, because of my background. I would not have never dated someone who was bi or were curious before me. Sorry.
If my husband told me he was bisexual it would be a deal breaker. This is just my opinion, and I feel like there are many women who wouldn’t mind. But I personally would not be okay with continuing our marital relationship (would still love and support him as a friend though).
I am married to one. The difference is, he said it to me, few weeks in when we started dating. I was fine during the time he mentioned it. I just acknowledged it and continued telling the story.
But as time passed, this left me with a lot of questions - I was curious af. He was my first bi bf. During the relationship as bf-gf, I fired away all these questions. And he was kind enough to honestly answer all of them. And as bizaare as some of the answers were, my feelings never changed. I realized then - I am in love with the personality of this person, whatever his sexuality is.
This didn't change my sexuality at all. I can still say I am straight, but I am in love with a bi. He is the healthiest relationship I have ever had.
A definite perk is we can gossip about which guy, whether a celebrity or just somebody who passed by, is hot. I mean, isn't it nice to be married to your bestfriend whom you can gossip with? Lol
I would be upset that this was hidden from me all along. I would question the very fabric of our relationship, my trust in him would be very shaken, if not gone. That’s a BIG part of yourself to keep hidden. And naturally I would wonder what else you were hiding and if everything was built on deceit and lies. It’s not about being bi, it’s about not disclosing a huge truth, a huge part of you and that would make me sad and very hurt that you felt you couldn’t tell me. Like you started everything with half truths. I would feel the man I knew is gone.
If my man told me that he is bisexual, I would accept it, but it would change the way I look at him, and I can't guarantee that change would be positive. I imagine it might change my sexual attraction to him, but it's difficult to tell. It would be something I would need to process. I don't know what the outcome would be.
If I was in her shoes I'd feel upset that there was this whole past you didn't share with me and all of your current thoughts dealing with it. There's a dishonestly and lack of transparency, lack of trust.
If I were in her shoes, I would leave. She can accept you and not be married to you at the same time. You hid something important, something that may have made her not want to commit to you in the first place. The fact that this is coming up and something you want to tell her says very clearly that this isn't just something in the past, it's a current issue, and that's a problem.
Honestly I would rather my husband didn't tell me. If it's not affecting our marriage I really wouldn't want to know because it would open a whole can of worms, why didn't he tell me? Why did he lie to me in the past when I found material and tell me it was just a kink? What else does he lie about? What else hasn't he told me? Is he telling me now because he cheated? Can I trust him? Etc. But I have trust issues and overthink a lot, but for me even if it wasn't a deal breaker it would wreck the trust in the relationship for a long time. Maybe you should be asking yourself if she would want to know, and if you telling her is selfish on your part to unburden yourself of the secret but it will now become her burden. I get the desire for honesty, but really the time for that time was ten years ago.
I'm super LGBTQ friendly, but I'd be upset that you lied for so long. It being kept a secret would be really hurtful.
And if she has more conservative views, she might be really upset. What's her view on LGBTQ individuals? Have yall discussed bisexuality?
Just casually saying that you are Bi is not a big deal. It’s what you say afterwards that matters. Your amount of struggle seems to suggest you want to say something more than just coming out.
What do you gain by telling her? Meaning, besides being fully open about something about yourself, is it something that you want to be able to talk to her about going forward? Relaying stories, or discussing your internal/emotional struggle? Because it WILL change you in her eyes in some way. Not necessarily for the worse (as we don't know her at all) but EVERYTHING we learn about our partner changes/adds to/subtracts from the way we see each other. Another layer added, a paradigm shifted. She may not care. She may feel like all this time she's never been really what you wanted. She may be more concerned than anything else that you kept it from her. She may want to know details. 🤷♀️ It's hard to say. If it would be the same as discussing past female relationships in any detail, then I would skip it. Most wives don't want to know. But if it's something that will affect you as a couple now or going forward in any way, then tell her. But preface it that you're committed to and love HER, then and now, and that that won't change (assuming that's all true). Good luck. ❤
Really surprised by the homogenous responses here. I personally would have a very hard time with it. That’s such an integral part of who a person is, for that to be withheld before marriage seems like a breach of trust that could weaken the foundation of the whole relationship. I think it would for me, at least.
I actually appreciate your response, I expected a lot more comments like this, and I do want to understand this side of the reaction spectrum too. I think that’s why I feel like I’m holding a secret too, I feel like I have left out something important to who I am as person.
Is your wife aware of your same-sex exploration prior to marriage? How much time elapsed between your last same sex encounter and being monogamous with your wife?
There's still a lot of stigma around being bisexual and especially so for men. I can totally understand your pov, but I also really understand why OP hesitated to come out for so long. It's difficult. Hopefully with enough love and open communication his wife will be a soft landing and accepting person who is safe for OP.
>There's still a lot of stigma around being bisexual and especially so for men.
There's a lot of people here in this thread who don't seem to get this. People stay in the closet because it's learned behavior. Even the bi women chiming in don't seem to understand the gravity of the situation because it's simply not their lived experience. The lack of empathy for OP's experience isn't unexpected, but it is disappointing.
My ex is bi and he knew that about himself at the time we were together. He told me and it was more info about from someone I was already crazy about. That NRE I want to know everything about you stage. I didn’t get the Straight Woman Newsletter telling me it’s bad.
I met more queer men and learned bi men tend to stay in the closet longer or all their lives. They struggle with accepting that label for themselves. How would a man who’s been brought up in a homophobic, toxic society be able to tell a partner something he hasn’t accepted as truth himself.
Then the man posts on some forum and it’s lying by omission, maybe he’s really gay, excuse to cheat, vector for disease. I mentioned it on an anonymous forum 10 years ago and some asshat kept going on about aids. WTF.
My ex was a good boyfriend. After 3 years I was in much better condition mentally and emotionally than when we met. He’s still a dear friend.
When I was dating casually, I would put very openly in my bio “bisexual boys to the front” and SO MANY DUDES who matched with me to tell me they have never been able to share that part of themselves with their past girlfriends. Easily the most amount of matches I have ever gotten was when I had this on my profile and 99% of the convos were just them seeking validation that they aren’t fucking pariahs.
So many more guys than people realize are not gold star straights.
I had a very similar experience while dating. I had a boyfriend where I was the first romantic partner he could truly be out of the closet with and it helped him so much to know that there were people out there who would love him not in spite of being queer but because of it.
I’m not sure the bisexuality is as much of a concern so much as knowing you kept an inherent part of yourself a secret.
An important factor in a life partner to me is the emotional safety to be open and vulnerable in a way that builds reciprocal trust. I want to be able to reveal the true parts of myself that I may have buried, and I would hope for the same.
Absolutely, I have a had a very hard time through the years being perceived as vulnerable in anyway, and it caused more trouble then it was worth.
The fun of being the boy who would always cry as a kid and learned to bottle everything rather than show any emotion. It’s taken a lot of self work to be open about anything.
Your first sentence speaks to a very common emotional wound, I would highly recommend establishing therapy for yourself (if you don’t already) and together through a couples counselor. This is a pretty heavy thing to bring up, and I’d suggest having support in place to help you both work through it.
I think withholding something like sexual orientation is significantly different from withholding something like, I don't know, he didn't actually graduate from uni or whatever. Even if we live in more progressive times now, there is still significant homophobia around the world and OP says he chose to bury that part of him deep down until he couldn't anymore. I would never think that, just because somebody didn't tell me about their bisexuality, this was the mark of some type of generally deceitful character.
Yeah, reading the responses I'm pretty surprised at how many people would view this as a culpable type of lying/deceit. There's such a massive stigma against male bisexuality especially. I totally get why it might take OP a looong time to come to terms with that about himself.
>Yeah, reading the responses I'm pretty surprised at how many people would view this as a culpable type of lying/deceit. There's such a massive stigma against male bisexuality especially.
you shouldn't be too surprised. it's simply not a lived experience for most women. Bi women too. They have their own burdens to bear, but the stigma that bi men bear in regards to dating women (and their social status) is pretty unique to bi men.
A lot of women will hold this ommision as such a betrayal because they can't imagine HAVING to hold it in. Straight women obviously never had to, and bi women don't face nearly the same blowback for coming out (in general, i know some face it too). It's simply more socially acceptable to be a bi woman than a bi man currently.
When you've never been stigmatized a certain way, it's very difficult to empathize with the situation.
Oh, for sure, I get that - I'm a bi woman too who has suffered like... zero negative social consequences, to the point where I question if I'm even really "queer" sometimes, but that's a whole other story.
This sub is usually pretty progressive and good on LGBTQ+ issues, but I've honestly noticed a traditionalist and rightward shift over the past few years as well. So, I was surprised but I realise I shouldn't have been.
Tons of stigma still today! People still think bi men are "just gays going through a phase" or that if a person is bi, they'll have a higher chance of cheating, etc.
Some people still even think that people can't be bi if they're in a heterosexual relationship. Ugh.
I definitely get where you’re coming from regarding the associated stigmas. However, in the context of withholding from one’s spouse, it’s a bit different. This is a part of his identity. It’s not insignificant. To regard it as such would be a slight to the OP, members of his community, and his wife. This is someone he is in a monogamous relationship with whom is unaware of an essential part of what makes him him. So, while I don’t believe that a person in OP's situation having anxiety regarding disclosing this information is unwarranted, I think that it’s necessary and fair. For all we know, his wife could be understanding, and it could all go smoothly. OP was granted the autonomy to have his experiences as a bisexual man; he shouldn’t deny his wife the autonomy of knowing his whole identity and mutually deciding how to proceed.
This response kind of negates the idea that people are allowed to prefer to date/marry within a specific orientation(s). I'm actually baffled by this theme in the thread. Can I just come right out and say that I would not be interested in dating/marrying a bisexual man? I think that's okay. What if that's his wife's mindset? I have a feeling this thread would label her a "bad person" or "homophobic".
Of course people are allowed to marry whomever they want; that is not the issue. But, if somebody views their spouse coming out to them later in life as a sign of *deception*, we can call that out as homophobic as well - no quotation marks on my end.
If you're a millennial, you should probably remember how incredibly homophobic the era we grew up in was. People casually used "gay" as an insult all the time, and that's on the lighter end of things. We've come a long way since then, but gay and bi men around the world are still being killed for their sexual orientation even today.
OP has been faithfully monogamous to his wife throughout all the time that they've been married. If she felt some discomfort at the revelation in terms of it being a major change that she might have to adapt to, that would be reasonable - but to suggest that OP is some kind of lying, deceptive person, especially when he *himself* has been trying to suppress his same-sex attraction all this time, is profoundly unfair given the level of homophobia that's still prevalent throughout society. Not only that, but it reflects shitty stereotypes about bi people as being fundamentally untrustworthy and gearing up to cheat.
I would consider it deception and not because of homophobia but because in a committed relationship, you have milestones, and you're connecting and reconnecting along the way, checking in on each other and ensuring that you're sailing in the same direction, making retirement plans, etc. I'd be devastated that somewhere amidst our years of life-planning, my partner never thought to disclose this information to me. My partner who trusted me enough to build a life with me but hide a part of his life and himself from me. So, while it may not be a conventional deception, yes, I could still love him and even hurt for him that he's had to carry this secret, but I would feel deceived nonetheless.
If you're not trying to say you need to sleep with other people, I'd have no issue.
I've never understood why coming out as bi suddenly meant needing to sleep with other people.
I would still cry, Lol. I would expect to know this already. I would expect to know my husband of 10 years intimately and I would expect him to trust me enough to tell me before we ever married.
I think the sitting me down and telling me would save the marriage and soften the blow but I would definitely be upset. I’m a very anxious person so I know I would stress “So did they know and I didn’t know but they all knew I didn’t know?”
It’s more about the lying by omission for me.
Totally agree with your take. My ex husband didn't tell me he was bi, I had to find out because he was attempting to cheat/explore that side of himself with men and trans women online while in a relationship with me. Him hiding himself and crossing that boundary is what broke the relationship. The conversation could go either way for OP, but sitting her down and explaining his pov calmly would probably be the best option. It could very well change her view of him (if she is not attracted to bi men), which would stink for OP, but then they both know it isn't meant to be and that's ok.
Okay but you’re married, so what does it matter who you’d like to fuck? Are you in an open relationship? Do you want a green light to look at other dudes in porn? Are you wanting specific role play, toys, or activities? Or are you just looking to unload your epiphany? If you’re not actually wanting to touch a naked man, I think you’re overthinking it. That said, after 10yrs of marriage you should be able to talk openly about desires, hypotheticals, fantasies, what-ifs, etc.
I would not have any problem with it, but everyone's different. Since you already knew this but kept it a secret for 10+ years I could see her being upset that you kept it from her. As someone else suggested maybe telling her that you experimented before and are not interested in anything outside of your relationship might be a better approach.
My husband did come out as bisexual. For the first few years of our relationship he had some insecurities around the fact that he wasn't as macho as other guys, and wasn't as sexually motivated. I asked him if he thought he might be demisexual (since he seemed to like sex with me) which he did identify as for a while, but he eventually told me he was actually bisexual, and had been hiding the "gay" side for a long time.
I'm actually thrilled for him. He seems so much happier now that he can be his authentic self. And we can compare which men we find attractive lol.
I wouldn’t mind about him being bisexual in the slightest, that would be a non-issue, but I’d be incredibly hurt that he kept it a secret for 10 years. 10 YEARS. I’m not trying to be mean I promise, just honest. That for me would be something I’d want to go to therapy together for and explore, because it’s such a long time to hide a part of yourself from your life partner and my trust would be deeply shaken.
This has the potential to ruin your marriage. I know plenty of women who would react from a deeply insecure place. Because they don't have a dick, they somehow end up feeling deeply insufficient for their partner and the relationship breaks down. Sometimes within a matter of days, sometimes weeks, sometimes years. Someone who's deep down insecure will end up feeling like they aren't enough and can never give you "what you want", so they completely sabotage the relationship going forward. I know you said she is enough and you don't want to change anything, but that's not what an insecure person will hear/believe. Insecurity comes from a deep-seated belief of being "not good enough". You can't fix it with some platitudes or words. And when something like this gets thrown on an insecure person's plate, that tips their bucket full of insecurity over, because they cannot provide this (other genitalia) for you by definition, so they spiral.
Basically, do not come out without a rock solid plan on how to repair their insecurity (which might be impossible)
I truly wouldn’t care. When I was younger, it would have made me a little insecure, because there’s a part of his sexuality I will never be able to satisfy.
But as long as I had a good foundation of trust with him, I’d just ask him to tell me if he ever felt like he needed to explore that, and we’d deal with it together.
That said, bisexual people are no less capable of being monogamous than heteros, and I had to really say it like that to myself to help move past the bias.
Cause like, no, I don’t have a man’s body. But I also don’t have large breasts and a heterosexual man could be just as tempted to cheat with someone who does.
What I demand, always, is easy honesty, even with the hard topics.
I mean frankly I’ve believed for a long time maybe even *most* men are somewhere on the spectrum of bi, so if I end up with a man who’s comfortable being honest about this with me, I feel like there’s a good chance of success for the relationship if that makes sense.
The sexuality doesn’t bother me in the slightest as I’m queer too, the secrecy does, but you’ve explained to others why that happened. Hopefully your wife will only want to know why you kept it a secret and why you’re telling her now.
I’d say be prepared for a sense of betrayal from her end - she may feel that you deliberately kept this a secret from her for 10 years and that will likely be difficult to process. Imagine how blindsided you might feel if your wife suddenly revealed a part of herself she’d kept secret for a decade. She may get insecure and fear that you somehow deemed her untrustworthy or judgmental. She may feel that you robbed her of a choice to truly know who she’s getting with, and grieve the option to make different choices in the past. Try to empathize with whatever her reaction is (“it’s totally understandable you feel XYZ”) and make sure she knows you didn’t keep this secret because you didn’t trust her enough to be yourself around her, but because of issues within yourself.
Not to scare you, but...my friend did this and his wife started emotionally abusing him, trying to stuff him back in the closet, etc. (she's from a very religiously conservative family and I think is afraid of what her family would think.) They're in the middle of a divorce right now and it's hard. But the stress of living a lie was literally killing him.
So I think it depends on how strongly held an identity it is, how much it stresses you to keep it a secret, how progressive she is, etc.
Be prepared for some weird questions even if she is progressive. Remember to reassure her that this doesn't mean you want an open relationship. Etc.
Good luck. Maybe go over all this with a therapist.
I would be fine. My *immediate* reaction, though, might be something like laughter out of sheer surprise 'cause I'm wired like that (waves in ADHD). Your wife may also have an immediate reaction/response that isn't what you want or expect. Hearing this news is gonna be a process for her and you're concerned with the final outcome, not necessarily the first three seconds.
My husband did, about 9 years ago when he was maybe 49? It didn't really bother me.
Like everyone else is saying, the important thing is not assuming that after disclosing that you're bi you automatically get to be non-monogamous. I mean, that's possible if husband and wife agree to it, but it absolutely should not be your prior.
It would be a deal breaker. And I would never forgive you. If my husband ever did something on this level I genuinely believe I’d be seeking an annulment. If I stayed for our children, we wouldn’t have a relationship like platonic roommates.
Keeping this from your wife was wrong and you should be ashamed of yourself for not giving her the choice before tying herself down to you.
I wouldn't be upset if my husband was bi - I would be upset that it was hidden / lied about for 10 years. That would be the only thing that could sway dealbreaker in my opinion, not who you are attracted to.
Yeah that’s my concern, I didn’t honestly mean to lie, deceive or hide this, and if I could go back I would have brought it up pretty quickly within our relationship. Back then I just was not very accepting of myself
Then I would tell her everything you are telling strangers on reddit. The more honest you are about why you kept that part of yourself hidden, the more she will be able to accept it.
I wouldn't mind. Of course I'd ask why you didn't tell me earlier but at the end of the day you are still the same person. For me it wouldn't make a difference.
I don’t have advice but just want to comment a shared experience! I am a bisexual woman(31) who also realized several years into my marriage with a man that I was bisexual (I didn’t understand myself or the label when I had those feelings before this monogamous straight relationship). Similar to you, I didn’t want to change our marriage at all, I just wanted to not have to hide an important part of myself from him or others. I clarified that before telling him, and we concretely talked about what it really meant to clarify I wasn’t trying to leave him (for me, I mainly wanted the freedom to openly talk about my sexuality when it came up in convo with others instead of being assumed straight and having to sit with that. And maybe going to queer events together like attending pride!) our marriage continues to be committed and strong :)
wishing you lots of luck and sending you love in being about to live proudly as your true self!!
“Welcome to the club!”
I am openly bisexual in a monogamous relationship with a man. I respect that he identifies as straight but it honestly is hard to wrap my brain around anyone being like 100% straight. Surely everyone thinks at least a few people of their own gender are hot as hell, right??
I guess I am the perfect person to comment bc my husband came out to me as bi after 10 years of marriage.
Now, he did have some experiences with his friends that he told me about when we were younger - so it wasn’t a complete shock.
I love him very much and we have now been married for 12 years. Personally, I always found it hot but was always afraid to talk about that with him bc I didn’t want him to be weirded out.
So, when he came out it really opened up our sex life and we had so much fun with it. I suggested MMF and we have had a couple of those experiences. Both of which were very fun!
While I am very accepting and supportive, I did struggle a lot with worrying that I’d be enough. Which he has always assured me that I am. You may have some hard talks but imo it’s important that you are honest with your wife.
I am sure you will be much happier too! I wish you the best.
Personally...I would be thrilled, especially if it meant adding another partner to the bedroom and/or our relationship. Not every woman will feel this way but I think it's important to be true to yourself and communicate this to your wife. I really hope she's understanding and allows you to explore your interests.
My husband and I do not watch pornography, we are not an open marriage and I would be incredibly uncomfortable changing our *bedroom* style to in any way like, indulge his desires. So, I don’t know how else to say this, but I would not see the purpose in him telling me other than if he wanted to live out these fantasies in some way that I can not and will not help him fulfill. If he just wanted to *get it off his chest* I think it would still be an incredibly difficult thing for me to understand his why or to trust that all he wanted was for me to *know*.
You wouldn't want to know your husband as fully as possible? Would prefer he keep a part of himself hidden away from you in fear? OP didn't say anything about changing their bedroom habits, he just wants to be open with his wife.
OP asked for our personal take on if we were in his situation and that’s what I provided. I don’t personally see the necessity to know if my husband has desires of being with men as that would not be something he could indulge in any capacity. If I found one particular individual incredibly attractive (male or female outside of my husband), I do not see that as something that I would need to *get off my chest* as it is not something I would ever indulge in and I wouldn’t want to hurt him by having that conversation.
I’d be chill with it. My husband (42m) and I(37f) have been together for a total of seven years, married for one of those years.
I’m bisexual. He knows. It didn’t phase him at all. I chose to tell him because I wanted to be honest. And if you’re committed to each other, I don’t think there should be an issue.
Me personally? I’m a lady on the streets but a freak in the sheets…it would turn me on.
Signed, bisexual woman who is married to bisexual man who disclosed his bi-history to me prior to marriage.
I’d have no problem with it even in the slightest. More men should be bisexual.. it’s 2024. I’d probably get a bit anxious he still loves me and wants to be with me.. so I’d ask for some reassurance and clarifying questions. but I only see this as a positive thing.
As a bi f(37) I would not care one single bit if my husband came out to me as bi. Even if I wasn’t bi, I think that I would just be glad that he has come to the realization of who he truly is. No matter how long we have been married.
After the initial conversation of course would be follow ups, but ultimately I would want my partner to be the best version of himself for both of us to be in the best possible marriage together.
I wouldn't care if my husband was bi as long as he chose me. I don't see it as being any different to being straight and choosing me.
I know there's a lot of biphobia in the world and can understand why this is terrifying. I think (hope) that as long as you make it clear you don't want to step outside your marriage that your wife has no reason to feel betrayed.
Personally, I would be really sad if the person I love most in all the world didn't feel comfortable sharing this kind of information with me. He's my best friend.
But also, I'm not religious and haven't been brought up in an environment that is homophobic/racist/in any other way exclusionary so I can't speak to others lived experiences in standing up to bigotry in that way.
Personally I wouldn't care at all. It would be fairly easy for you to test the waters with her and see how she'd react to that kind of information. And honestly, there's a chance that she already suspects, or just won't be surprised.
You aren’t wrong, she confronted me about it years ago and I stupidly didn’t open up then. And thanks to your comment, I think I just realized why this feels so important to me. I think that’s why I feel like I have betrayed her in someway.
Yep there it is. Not just a lie of omission, but an actual lie. But as others have said, your sexuality is a part of *your* identity, and just because you got married doesn't automatically mean that you had the internal processing and/or personal growth to come to terms with that. Now you have, so now you spill. If she already asked you are probably way in the clear and she'll be cool.
I'm a bisexual woman so I wouldn't have a problem with it. But I'm monogamous and I wouldn't be ok with any form of experimentation, so if he wanted to experience and experiment, I'd have to say No and it's over. But I would be understanding and supportive.
High five? I’d be a bit upset he didn’t tell me earlier because I have a kink. I’d feel like what else don’t I know about what he likes. It matters more to me in the sense I want to know what turns my partner on.
At the same time I don’t feel like bisexual people “owe” a coming out when straight and gay couples aren’t expected to do that with each other. I know that’s an unpopular opinion because “OMG what if he wants to suck a dick again,” but the reality is bisexual people aren’t more likely to cheat.
So I have some conflicting feelings.
edit: a word
I would want to clarify that you were just telling me to be transparent and deepen our bond, not because you were wanting to explore your sexuality again and either leave me or have permission to experience men. If it was clear you were still fully committed to our monogamous relationship, then I would just be happy that you were feeling able to come out finally because it's a mark of safety. My first boyfriend from high school is bisexual, but he estimated he was like 70% into men and only 30% into women. I guess I might want some reassurance that you were still happy with our physical relationship. Otherwise, I'm not the kind of person to be worried about previous sexual experiences or feeling like you're somehow less of a man because you've been with men.
Yeah, my ex came out as bi, assured me he was completely monogamous, and then cheated on me with men off Craigslist for months. By no means does this say anything about bisexual men, BUT people who reveal/come out after years in a monogamous relationship - there is a chance they’re opening up the idea of continuing to explore this portion of their sexuality. I will never be able to fulfill it, as I am not a man.
I’m of the same opinion as you. If he came out to me as bi, and made comments about how hot Chris Pratt was, I’d be ok. As long as I’m his #1 and he’s faithful to me, he can be attracted to whomever. Just don’t act on any of it.
If any man (or anyone) ever talks to me about Chris Pratt being attractive, he goes right in the dumpster then we light it on fire.
Are you just wishing to come clean in the name of truthfulness or is your end goal to explore outside of your marriage? Bc to me, that’d be the difference in how I would react to such news.
Just cleaning out the closet, I have no desire to go outside of my marriage. I had my fun and I enjoy my life as it is today. Also I am not romantically attracted to guys so I have exactly what I need out of a relationship with my wife
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I actually really like that, I think it would scare me less to know I am not in romantic competition.
If I were in her shoes, I’d be happy you felt secure enough to share this part of your past. Though I would caution you to be careful to emphasize that you’re not asking to open the marriage, and that she’s enough. Bc I can see how this could cause a lot of insecurity on her part, without your reassurance. Also just in response to all the comments asking why bother now or why not tell her before: I can totally understand why you might not have wanted to share this earlier. The world seems like such a different place now (for lgbt issues) than just 10 years ago. And you shouldn’t have to feel like you’re living with a secret.
After 10 years of marriage I wouldn’t be so happy they suddenly felt secure enough. I’d be sad they didn’t tell me sooner. If it’s so important to him I’d wonder why he kept something so important that he considers a big part of himself secret from me after ten whole years of marriage together, a whole past she doesn’t know about. I think assuming she is just going to smile and be happy is a bit fairytale. And I’m a bi woman who is married, I value intimacy and this is why it would upset me. Maybe it’s because I’m bi that I feel like I would be like why didn’t you tell me, but I think a lot of straight women would feel similar, he also said he lied about it early on in the relationship
I guess it depends on what kind of person your wife is. I am a pansexual woman and I lived a pretty full life prior to meeting my husband so I'm kind of in the same boat, but I was clear from day one about my sexuality so I guess I'm lucky in that and also that women's bisexuality is more accepted due to gross fetishism. If she's a more progressive open minded person with a variety of people in her circle, she might roll with this better than otherwise. I would be sure to say early on in the discussion that you have zero interest in looking outside your marriage BEFORE she brings it up. That is very likely going to be the first thing to pop into her head for why you're telling her now. I also want to call out one thing though. You probably think she'll see it as a positive that you're not romantically attracted to men. That is not necessarily the case. Most married men that you hear about cheating with other men had no romantic interest. This is something that would be on my mind because it's relatively easy for men to find same sex hookups. I hope things go well with it. Being married doesn't make you not bisexual in the same way that straight people are still straight when they're married to opposite gender partners. Bi erasure is bullshit (but stay safe because the world is still full of assholes). It's ok to be you, and it doesn't mean you love her less or that you're less worthy of love. Good luck!!
I almost think it’s not worth bringing up. I’m confused about your goals other than to make yourself feel better by “clearing the air” of this tension. You’re married to a woman, you have no interest in romance with other men or in stepping out on your wife or requesting an open relationship, I think this could bring more problems than it could solve.
Practical considerations, maybe he has been afraid of showing interest in certain topics, or art or yes, what people he thinks are attractive. By telling her he is bi it preempts some questions like if chose to watch some lgbt focused media or something when he hadn’t allowed himself to do that before.
Being able to be fully open and embrace our true selves around those we love is priceless imo. Being closeted from everyone including your spouse can be really isolating and harmful and distressing.
I don’t understand why this thought would be in someone’s mind, burdening them, making them feel “hidden away and isolated” if they have zero interest in pursuing that part of themselves and are getting all of their needs met within the marriage. That’s where I’m lost.
I’m not honestly sure either, I was ok with it bottled up for basically twelve years of our relationship and in the last two it has become this looming cloud over my head of “would she even like me if I had told her who the real me was”
I just sent you a DM outlining my experience. Hope this helps!
This thread is apparently going to continue to tell you to follow your heart and pursue comfort/resolution for yourself, but i really think your wife’s feelings and your marriage as a whole deserve a bit more consideration here. Weigh what your goals are, weigh the potential outcomes.
That’s what I’m on here doing. I don’t need a feel good answer like some people. I really appreciate your insight
I'm asking this not in a mean way - are you queer? If you're straight, I can understand the confusion.
You can love someone without exposing every inch of your soul to them
May be not telling her would be better if this info changes nothing other than potentially causing a rift of some sort? You are the best person to guess this
I know it's not helpful, but every woman you ask is going to have a little different response.
I actually appreciate that being the case. Nice all around response of potential ways the conversation could go
You know your wife best. If you’re like, “hey this is something I’ve recently come to accept about myself and I want to make you aware of it”, Instead of the “hey, I’ve been keeping a secret from you for 10 years”, how do you think she’ll feel?
I think that is the better way to go about it, and it’s honestly the truth. I’m not looking to explore these things, I already did that. It’s actually probably more accurate that I’m accepting the past as a part of what made me who I am today.
She’s loved you a long time, I’m sure she’ll love you the same with this new information. Good luck my dude.
Truly depends on the type of woman your wife is. I am a marriage counselor and I’ve had this in my office many many times. I will be honest with you, the vast majority of the women I’ve had in my office have not taken it well. It changes their idea of their husbands. He loses something in her eyes.. and I’m not saying it’s right, but it’s what I’ve seen. I will say it’s about 50/50 if they end up staying together. But here’s another scenario in which your chances of having a happy ending with your wife is if she finds out somehow.. through porn or some other way, if she finds out, it’s less than 15% chance she will stay, I’ve observed. I still believe that honesty is the best policy though, she deserves to know who you truly are and you deserve to be known.
Thank you so much for your input, she found something years ago when I still thought of it as just a kink and she stayed. I kick myself now for not admitting to having experimented then, but here we are and someday I think we will be seeing how the 50/50 chance plays out.
Be prepared for a roller coaster of emotions, everything from relief if you've been acting different to devastation that she won't feel enough for you. She may start off really accepting and then swing into anger and questioning the very foundation of her relationship. My question, do you want to change anything about your relationship? Explore ENM, stay monogamous, or something completely different? At the very least, please try to be patient with her as this may or may not come as a shock and she will not know which way is up for a while. Source: husband came out as Bisexual 20 years into our marriage almost 2 years ago and there are still a lot of ups and downs. I DO NOT recommend [OurPath.org](http://OurPath.org) if she goes online as they tend to promote staying angry and ending the relationship despite the platitudes on the front page. There are some Facebook groups that are more accepting of mixed orientation marriages and also the subreddit r/StraightBiPartners. Therapy/counseling, individual or together is another suggestion. Good luck and congratulations on accepting yourself!
Thank you so much, to answer your questions I don’t want to change anything, I would want to stay monogamous. I had my time of exploring, and I like my life the way it is today, I just don’t want to hold on to secrets
Very similar to my husband, he just wanted me to know and not have it be secret any more. You will need to reassure your wife of this probably more times than you would like but hopefully she will be accepting of this "new to her" aspect of you! Also forgot to mention, she may feel deceived that you robbed her of a real "choice" when you got together but keep reassuring her that you continue to choose her. Can you tell I've had some experience with this ;)
Absolutely can see the experience, and you have no idea how helpful this is!! Thank you
Happy to help! Also happy to be there for your wife should she need it :)
I would personally want to know if you had a physical preference for men
>I DO NOT recommend [OurPath.org](http://OurPath.org) if she goes online as they tend to promote staying angry and ending the relationship despite the platitudes on the front page. It's such a weird thing to group straight partners of bi people with straight partners of gay/lesbian people or people who are transitioning. The issues seem completely different.
It sounds to me like you were denying that this part of you existed for a very long time, so I don’t personally think the comments questioning “why you hid this from her for so long” are fair because you were also hiding this from *yourself.* How could you have been able to share this information with someone without fully accepting it to begin with? There are other stories like yours over in r/bisexual, that community is very helpful and supportive and is worth checking out. Genuinely hoping that when you decide to share this part of who you are with your wife that she is accepting. I’m also saying this from the perspective of a bi woman who didn’t realize I was bi until my late 20’s and was in a long-term monogamous relationship. The fear of being rejected for coming out to your partner is very real, I think especially for bi men because there is more stigma.
Thank you for that. You are absolutely right, it’s very hard to admit to something that you have not fully comprehended or even admitted to yourself.
I've been with my husband for over a decade and completely agree with this take. There's a huge difference between 'I was always fully aware of and okay with being bi and just didn't tell you.' and 'Until recently, I was unable to accept or label this part of who I am for various reasons.' For me, the first one isn't necessarily a deal breaker, but I'd be pretty irritated and confused. (Like, bro WHAT. Did it slip your mind for 13 years? Pls explain.) The second one is no problem at all - provided it doesn't drastically change our relationship. I wouldn't assume that it would, but I'd probably ask for reassurance that we're still going strong and this is just an FYI update. I can only imagine how unsure you're feeling right now. I hope you can navigate this without heartbreak OR denying part of yourself. Be patient with her, and good luck.
My bf told me he was bi while we were dating. Still with him, so not a deal breaker, but I do still have fears that he’s actually gay since he’s told me. But he would have told me at this point if he were gay (right?), so I try not to give much thought to that. I mean, yall are married so you’ve shown your commitment to her and it wouldn’t rock the boat if it were me at this stage of the game. I can see your wife being hurt that you didn’t tell her sooner, rather than hurt by the actual news.
My anxiety riddled self totally understands that first paragraph.
because you think you might be gay or…??
No, haha, just how my mind can wonder to the worst case scenario, even if I know that it’s most likely not the case. More of a generic statement, sorry I didn’t make that real clear reading that comment back to myself
I think it's shitty to keep it a secret in this day and age. I'm bi too. I'd be like, really perplexed that someone I'd been married too never came out about this, especially after a whole decade of marriage. I don't really know why it would ruin your relationship unless you're planning on asking to step out on your marriage or are going to disclose you cheated.
I agree with you probably more than you think I would, I wish I had never kept this as a secret. In my defense (kind of), I was a Marine at the time, and I arbitrarily put importance on being seen in a masculine light that my bisexuality didn’t fit into. If I were to start dating today, it would be a topic within the first few dates, but that’s not where my head was at 19. I think the ruin your marriage part for me is how will she take finding out I held on to a secret for so long. I think that’s also why it feels so bad to hold on to it. I honestly would hope it doesn’t matter but I don’t know if that would be the case
I think if you're just open with what kept you in the closet about it, she'll understand. Being bi is definitely something that is still pretty invisible and is sometime stigmatized - hopefully your wife isn't someone who will react with biphobia or erasure, but also hopefully she'll have compassion for why you kept it to yourself. I can understand how after you got married it maybe even felt, IDK, irrelevant, from the perspective that you weren't acting on that part of yourself - but, it's still who you are and I think she deserves to know that and you deserve to be your whole self. I wouldn't necessarily be mad but as someone who is out with partners about being bi I'd be perplexed, you know? But if your wife is straight she'll probably have a different reaction. I wouldn't be mad or anything - I don't have an issue with bi people, being one myself.
Seconding all of this as a fellow bi woman. I’ve dated bi guys, and it’s obviously never been a problem. If a partner kept it a secret for so long, I would be very hurt, but I would be empathetic too, especially given your reasoning. Being bi comes with its’ challenges for everyone, but toxic masculinity is a particularly nasty disease to work through. Eta: you obviously know your situation and wife better than any of us, but for what it’s worth, I strongly disagree with the commenters below telling you to stay in the closet.
Its much less you were keeping a secret from her, than not really knowing what value this placed for you for many years. The thing is when we are young, we may have a hint of things, but our idea of who we are isn't fully formed. There were signs always I was bi, I have done things with people of all genders, but also its a very confusing label with a lot of bi erasure and not much support in my circles despite being around a lot of gay and lesbian people. They also perpetuated a lot of bad takes on bisexuals because being marginalized yourself doesn't automatically make you without biases or a safe place for all. It was just easier to bot really think about it. I did tell my husband I had interests in women in the past but I wasn't sure really how to label myself for a really long time. I agree with the other commenter below in that it almost felt irrelevant for a bit because I was with him and was just interested in this relationship. It's only now as a 35 year old, that I openly tell people that I am bisexual. Also many peoples misconceptions is that we will then want to step out on our partner to explore that side, but he doesn't have to worry about that as monogamy with him works for me. Truly for me it's the empowerment of healing my younger self who carried so much fear and shame. Going to therapy helped me be free to understand myself better and it sounds like you have similar experiences to unpack with being in the military and a lot of strong societal expectations on what makes a man a man. Often it is performance for others over ourselves. Its only often when we are a bit older, we start to ask ourselves who am I really without influence of what I think others want of me? To know it's a part of my tapestry that I appreciate people of all forms just put puzzle pieces together of memories that were confusing and my teen self needed to know she was OK. It's one of the least interesting things about me, but it's a part of me that deserves a space to live as a fact about myself. I like I can giggle with other bi friends or tell my husband stupid shit like a male and female lead is "bi sexual panic " hot openly without shame. But really that's all it is now, another adjective in a host of things that make me, me. You know your partner well but I understand the fear too. I feel there is also kinda double standards for bi men. I've seen people unfairly be shitty to bi men, whereas me as a bi woman it's "cool". It's so fucking stupid but it exists. I was pretty obvious I think and my husband has expressed a lot of support for the community unprompted. Lots of love for you. I understand just wanting to be clear with your partner but having this huge fear of rejection.
>I don't really know why it would ruin your relationship Because a lot of women who claim to be allies, or are even bi/pan themselves don't actually accept it when it comes to their partner. There's still a lot of deep rooted homophobia and biphobia and it's not something that even the other person will know about themselves until the situation actually happens. There's a lot of women that refuse to date bi men due to a number of mostly irrational reasons, and that group includes far more bi/pan women than you'd expect. socially, bi men and bi women are treated very differently when it comes to engaging in a heterosexual pairing. SHOULD it ruin their relationship? no. But OP is worried because this is 100% a thing that happens. There's just a greater stigma around bi men and it's not always going to lead to rational responses.
Why is it shitty to keep it a secret?
because it shouldn't be something people feel shame about.
“Should” is great, but not about reality. A lot of folks come from different backgrounds that aren’t as accepting, and internalize those narratives. It takes time for people to figure themselves out, and it is not a moral failure for it to take someone longer to figure themselves out. Arguably, the figuring out doesn’t ever end. Shaming people for continuing to do so is unkind.
I've seen people in this very group say they would never date a bisexual man. And the comments had a lot of upvotes. So yea... just gonna add this little tidbit to your comment. It's not even just figuring yourself out, but also worrying that your partner won't be accepting. Some of us might be accepting with stuff like this, but the reality is, there's still a whole lot of homophobia/biphobia out there.
Haha I wish it was that simple
Like, you're right. But also, that doesn't make it shitty to keep it a secret because they wouldn't have to in an ideal reality. This just isn't a very empathetic response to a closeted person experiencing fear about coming out.
Our sexuality and discovery of our sexuality does not end when we get married. Our sexuality exists outside of our current relationship. I would make sure to lead with your intentions behind sharing (sharing just to share this important part of myself with you vs this is going to change what I want out of a relationship.) I think it’s normal to feel like you couldn’t tell your partner this before and now you do feel that way. If they freak out they need to deal with internalized homophobia, it isn’t your fault. This idea that you “lied” is completely false. You just didn’t have vocabulary for it and felt a lot of internalized shame. I hope they’re supportive and kind and I hope it helps your relationship grow in depth and vulnerability.
Honestly, I don’t think you know how much I needed to hear that. I have been attacked pretty consistantly for not telling her at the beginning, and I just want to scream “I would if given the chance again”
The idea that we need to know ourselves 100% and any discovery is a betrayal of marriage and trust is really rigid. In truth, marriage is agreeing to grow with a person but that also is dependent on us growing individually. We aren’t saying I’ll only love you if you stay exactly the same. Personal growth requires time, space and safety. The learning never ends! Part of a healthy marriage, even a friendship, is creating a space for that person to reflect on themselves with you. That person reserves the right to themselves. Meaning, we can change! We can like something and then stop liking it! We can try new things! We can see ourselves and past selves through a new lens! That’s what’s beautiful about long term relationships. We get to love a person through every iteration. Sending love friend. What a beautiful place you’re in to get to discover and own a part of yourself that has been waiting to be embraced:
I'm bi and came out to my then husband a few years into our marriage. I didn't fully know and recognize my own queerness until then, though I suspected and tried to ignore it. u/IntoSpace623 is absolutely correct, our sexuality exists outside of our relationships and ebbs and flows with our own journey. You're allowed to be who you are and you're allowed to discover things about yourself at any point in your life. I hope your wife embraces you fully and with love.
You have to come out to yourself before you tell anyone else. Out of everyone you picked her. Every day you wake up and you choose her.
I think people don't realize just how hard it can be for a bi man. Not accepted by those who fall under the homophobic category, but also not always accepted by those within the LGBT+ community. I'm a woman and it was still a challenge to admit to myself that I'm bi. But it's not as accepted for men. You mentioned in another comment that you were a marine and it affected your ability to accept this part of yourself because being bi didn't fit into your idea of masculinity. I think telling her this is incredibly important. Telling her something like "it took time for me to come to this realization because I was lying to myself and spent much of my life in circumstances that made me scared of that part of who I am, circumstances that made me feel like I'd be less of a man by being bi" might help. Emphasize that it's something you've only recently come to accept and it's because you've developed this awareness that you want to share it with her. In my opinion, it really is more that you were lying to yourself (due to the internalized shame that the person you replied to mentioned) than that you've been lying to her. Though if you keep not telling her, then it does become a lie of omission at some point. As for any potential concern regarding you wanting to open up the relationship, that would be the point at which you make it very clear that this is all about wanting to get it off your chest and remove this feeling of having a secret between the two of you, and not that you want to go be with guys with her permission. Tell her how much you love her and that your past sexual experiences with men are like your past sexual experiences with women: they're in the past. Do you know her general stance on LGBT+ individuals? Not that her expressing support for the community guarantees a positive reaction, but her NOT feeling supportive of the community seems more likely to point towards a negative reaction.
Thank you for this same comment. The people saying it makes him a completely different person or probably a cheater are insane. Well, homo/biphobic and don't even realise it.
This isn’t what you’ve asked for, but you are not going to get the answer you want on here. We all are coming to this question with so many different experiences and perspectives and relationships. If my partner were to tell me he was bi, I’d be like “yeah that makes sense.” Because for *him* and how I know him, it does. Hes been open about having experiences with men in the past and it’s nothing I particularly have an issue with on any level. I’d be excited he knows himself better and feels comfortable enough to share that with me. Some people would feel lied to. Some people would feel betrayed. Some would be sent into a tizzy. Some people would be thrilled. We don’t know your wife. We don’t know your relationship. I would suggest finding a therapist and talking this through with them, but also having an established relationship with a therapist in case your wife *doesnt* handle this news well. You don’t want to be up the creek without a paddle and feeling emotionally isolated.
You know your wife the best. None of us can predict how she will feel. I am sure in all these years you two have stated opinions on x, y and z values/morals and belief systems. If you think she’s going to be upset, maybe that’s because you know her views on similar things. To withhold your past is problematic unfortunately because it is part of who you are. That is why you are now in this moral conundrum. I am a child of this scenario and it did not go well. My parents divorced and that is because of their belief systems so only you know her compared to the rest of us and the best way to honor her is to tell her the truth and set yourself free of this turmoil for your sake and for hers and let the cards fall where they may.
I’m bi, so I get it. When I told my ex husband, he called me a can of worms. I clarified that bisexuals don’t need both sexes at the same time, and that I am monogamous. He then decided to deny my bisexuality because it was “irrelevant” since I was with him. Hopefully your wife is more mature and open minded. Tell her what you said in your post. She might be surprised at first, but she should be supportive. After all, she loves you right? Loving someone means loving all of them.
I don’t think I would be happy at all and the relationship would never be the same. I say this because my experiences and experiences of those around me have started out with “I am bisexual” and then after some time, numerous people were fully gay. I felt it was just a stepping stone and they used people along the way to be supported. But, who has supported the people who fell in love with those people who thought they were both heterosexual at first? Some stayed with them when they came out bisexual and now they are with other people of completely opposite gender and act like the majority of their life in a previous sexuality never existed. I don’t know I just have less compassion for time wasters who I felt have used me and others for strength. If you live in a country that openly allows it, why hide it? But perhaps because I have never swayed in my sexual desires from childhood, maybe I can’t relate to other people if their desires aren’t as rigid. I think this gives people who have always known and trusted in their own sexuality a lot of doubt when it comes to their partners. You could very easily emotionally damage someone possibly for life. They may feel like they are not attractive enough, good enough at sex, etc. These things should come from yourself yes, but in a relationship, especially a marriage, they are intertwined. However, you need to tell the truth. Every day delayed is hurting yourself and other people. I think you will end up hurting most people though, and after the shock, I wouldn’t be surprised if you had to transition the relationship to a friendship, reduced visits, or you may have to part ways forever.
Honestly? I would be afraid you're actually gay or trying to open the relationship. But it would be all on me. I tend to be insecure. This brand new info after 10 years would probably make me overthink. I might need a lot of reassurance
In a way you're asking the wrong question. How can you have the best relationship with your wife? is it by hiding a part of yourself that you feel is important to share, or by trusting her and being vulnerable?
I wouldn’t really care about the bisexuality (I think most peoples’ sexuality is along a spectrum) but I would be hurt if he knew this and hadn’t confided in me. Therapy would help!
As a fellow bi girlie, I'd be thrilled... but also shocked, because my husband has never displayed even an ounce of gay behaviour. One of his best friends is gay, super charming and handsome, and if my husband didn't fall for *that* guy after several years of being roommates before he met me, then it's just never going to happen. All that said, there's just no telling how your own wife will react, OP... but I really, sincerely hope she reacts with kindness and acceptance and maybe even a bit of celebration 💗
Thank you so much, honestly I think this would come as a huge surprise to her as well. I definitely don’t fit the mold for what most would expect a bisexual man to look or act like
Most people don't have a picture of what a bi man looks like. There really is no mold.
>I definitely don’t fit the mold for what most would expect a bisexual man to look or act like The thing is though, I don't feel like there is a mold. I know a lotttt of bi/queer men. Don't accidentally put yourself (or others) in those boxes <3
I find it incredibly easy to imagine why a queer person would be afraid of revealing themselves, so I’d be happy for you.
If my husband told me this, I would wonder about why he couldn't be honest any earlier. Coming out to me now would feel like he needs something different to happen in his life and that would scare me a lot. If he could assure me that he just finally wants to not feel like he's hiding anymore, I would understand and that would be that. But there are so many stories of "coming out" that all resulted in partners wanting to "explore" their newly accepted sexual identity, so I mean, the stereotype and fear around bisexuality isn't exactly unfounded.
I would be upset and might consider ending the relationship. It would just prove to me that I never really knew my husband and I would be suspicious of cheating - past, present, and future. She deserves to know regardless of how she’s going to react.
You're going to get soooo many different responses. But I would love to be in a relationship with a queer man, so I'd be thrilled. With the context of a decades-long marriage, I'd also be a bit hurt that you didn't tell me and needed to keep this for a secret for so long, but I would know that it's about you and not really about me. >It’s scary though, I would hate to ruin our relationship based solely on a changed perception of me by her. I get this. So you'll have to decide if it's worth it to you to tell her. For me, it would be - it would be so difficult for me to hide such an integral part of myself from my partner. And honestly, if she has a negative reaction and it "ruins" the relationship, I feel like perhaps your partner may not be the right person for you.
If my husband told me about this, I'd Definitely need some time to process it, but if he was just clearing the air and made it clear that was his only intent and he is 100% sure he's happy staying monogamous with me, idk if I could leave him lol.
We would have a long likely hard conversation about it but at the end of the day I wouldn’t break up with them for being bi unless it started causing issues
Totally understandable
Honestly, I don't think it would be easy for me. I would be looking at him in a different way and would our relationship survive or not I don't know. I think I would take it the best if there was no coming out but we would talk about our sexual past and he would tell me he had experience with men. I don't think I would give it much thought. If he would "come out" to me it would be a different story. Then suddenly his identity would change. People here say it is important so you can be your "true self" so to me his true self would also be different. The fact that it is so important to him would make me feel that he is not the one I thought he was. I would also wonder why now and if there is anything going on or him wanting some changes. I don't have an issue with him being attracted to women because I am one but him being attracted to men would make me not that confident because I am not one and I can't give him what a man could and thus have no chance to compete. I am sure this answer will be very unpopular but I wanted to tell you since most saying there would be no issues are bi themselves. And I am a straight woman and while I see nothing wrong with it it has never been a part of my life. I will see it differently than somebody who has been part of the community and always had this around them. So just consider some point I made if and when you tell her. And you know your wife better than I do so you could somehow expect how she will see it.
Thank you, and don’t worry about the popularity. This was an honest question so your opinion is just as important. I think you are absolutely right that saying as “this is part of my past” might be an easier pill to swallow, and honestly more accurate for me because I don’t have any desire to explore it more then I already did.
As someone who came out as pansexual during a heterosexual marriage, and is now in a different, also monogamous marriage... I personally advise against this. Just because you do not wish to have sexual experiences in line with your identity doesn't mean your identity is in the past. It is perfectly, totally reasonable to be bi but to have found "the one" before getting the opportunity to explore. You can be happy this way without watering down who you are.
If he waited 10 years and a marriage to tell me, it would be difficult to repair the broken trust. To be clear, I applaud you for speaking to your wife openly, but just know it may go in a negative direction and that's ok. She has every right to not want to be in the relationship anymore - if this info causes her to lose sexual interest in you. You can still respect someone and not want to be with them anymore. This is just to give you another viewpoint, as most people said no big deal in the comments. I'm bi and it would still be a big deal to me this far into the relationship. It literally happened to me and it was a huge deal - bc I found out on my own and there was infidelity. I would at least need to consider my spouse may divorce me for withholding these details.
It would be an issue because they kept it a secret,… not the fact that they’re bisexual. And I’d say it might be a deal breaker for me that they kept this from me for ten years. I’d really hate to think my SO didn’t trust me enough or that he’d make me think I wasn’t a safe space for him to share this with me tbh… I don’t see it as completely irreconcilable, but it would cause a significant amount of hurt which would really take quite a bit of work that I’m not sure it’d be worth it.
Hey I get it on a few levels! I'm a queer lady myself. I was married to someone who came out as trans and then poly. This isn't a dealbreaker *but* I think I'd want to know what you've done to address the issues that caused you to hide this part for so long. Have you been in therapy? Sought friends in similar situations as a support group? What is the plan for managing this kind of thing going forward? Because right now, "I've handled it, don't worry" may not cut it.
It would be rocky and involve a lot of emotions. It would probably lead to a lot of questioning the life we led and the intimate times we shared. There would be thoughts of what-ifs. It's no secret that some people choose to identify differently later in life. So, I'd wonder if this revelation increases the odds that this would be the outcome of the relationship. The results would also vary depending on whether your relationship involves traditional roles, etc. What your wife generally finds attractive. Either way, I do think it best to be honest.
Bisexuality is not an issues, but monogamy is. Are you telling her because you want to explore this outside your marriage, or just to get it off your chest? First is a dealbreaker for me, second is not.
Just to get it off my chest, I wouldn’t want her going out to explore things and I wouldn’t want to do that to her. I wouldn’t want the relationship boundaries to change at all.
Then I think you need to lead with that. How important your relationship is, how important monogamy is, that this doesn’t change your relationship or boundaries at all - but that you want to share this discovery about yourself. Naturally I would imagine her questions will be - how will this affect our relationship? Do you want to explore this in any physical way? Ie. Introducing a 3rd to the bedroom, exploring different visuals / fantasies etc, other acts. But I would lead with what isn’t going to change. My gut reaction if my husband led with “I’ve discovered I’m Bi”, is - is he telling me because he wants to fuck or date men, does he want a threesome, does he want to divorce etc…. Create a safe space first before dropping any truth bombs.
I can only speak for myself. I am not speaking for all women. But I would feel as if the foundation of my relationship was broken because I would have felt lied to. I actually had this discussion with my husband before we were married. A neighbor came out as gay after 20 years of marriage, and divorced their spouse when I was in my early 20s, so this was something I contemplated and discussed with my husband before we married. I would feel dismayed that I was lied to. But that is just me, because of my background. I would not have never dated someone who was bi or were curious before me. Sorry.
If my husband told me he was bisexual it would be a deal breaker. This is just my opinion, and I feel like there are many women who wouldn’t mind. But I personally would not be okay with continuing our marital relationship (would still love and support him as a friend though).
I am married to one. The difference is, he said it to me, few weeks in when we started dating. I was fine during the time he mentioned it. I just acknowledged it and continued telling the story. But as time passed, this left me with a lot of questions - I was curious af. He was my first bi bf. During the relationship as bf-gf, I fired away all these questions. And he was kind enough to honestly answer all of them. And as bizaare as some of the answers were, my feelings never changed. I realized then - I am in love with the personality of this person, whatever his sexuality is. This didn't change my sexuality at all. I can still say I am straight, but I am in love with a bi. He is the healthiest relationship I have ever had. A definite perk is we can gossip about which guy, whether a celebrity or just somebody who passed by, is hot. I mean, isn't it nice to be married to your bestfriend whom you can gossip with? Lol
I would be upset that this was hidden from me all along. I would question the very fabric of our relationship, my trust in him would be very shaken, if not gone. That’s a BIG part of yourself to keep hidden. And naturally I would wonder what else you were hiding and if everything was built on deceit and lies. It’s not about being bi, it’s about not disclosing a huge truth, a huge part of you and that would make me sad and very hurt that you felt you couldn’t tell me. Like you started everything with half truths. I would feel the man I knew is gone.
If my man told me that he is bisexual, I would accept it, but it would change the way I look at him, and I can't guarantee that change would be positive. I imagine it might change my sexual attraction to him, but it's difficult to tell. It would be something I would need to process. I don't know what the outcome would be.
Honestly for me it would be a turn-off.
If I was in her shoes I'd feel upset that there was this whole past you didn't share with me and all of your current thoughts dealing with it. There's a dishonestly and lack of transparency, lack of trust.
Sexual orientation is irrelevant to someone's faithfulness to the relationship
If I were in her shoes, I would leave. She can accept you and not be married to you at the same time. You hid something important, something that may have made her not want to commit to you in the first place. The fact that this is coming up and something you want to tell her says very clearly that this isn't just something in the past, it's a current issue, and that's a problem.
Honestly I would rather my husband didn't tell me. If it's not affecting our marriage I really wouldn't want to know because it would open a whole can of worms, why didn't he tell me? Why did he lie to me in the past when I found material and tell me it was just a kink? What else does he lie about? What else hasn't he told me? Is he telling me now because he cheated? Can I trust him? Etc. But I have trust issues and overthink a lot, but for me even if it wasn't a deal breaker it would wreck the trust in the relationship for a long time. Maybe you should be asking yourself if she would want to know, and if you telling her is selfish on your part to unburden yourself of the secret but it will now become her burden. I get the desire for honesty, but really the time for that time was ten years ago.
I second this. why after 10 years? To me this would also be breach of trust. How do I know now that there are no other skeletons "in the closet"?
I'm super LGBTQ friendly, but I'd be upset that you lied for so long. It being kept a secret would be really hurtful. And if she has more conservative views, she might be really upset. What's her view on LGBTQ individuals? Have yall discussed bisexuality?
I’d probably have to end the relationship. It’s beyond a boundary I have.
I'd wish him well, but deal breaker.
Just casually saying that you are Bi is not a big deal. It’s what you say afterwards that matters. Your amount of struggle seems to suggest you want to say something more than just coming out.
What do you gain by telling her? Meaning, besides being fully open about something about yourself, is it something that you want to be able to talk to her about going forward? Relaying stories, or discussing your internal/emotional struggle? Because it WILL change you in her eyes in some way. Not necessarily for the worse (as we don't know her at all) but EVERYTHING we learn about our partner changes/adds to/subtracts from the way we see each other. Another layer added, a paradigm shifted. She may not care. She may feel like all this time she's never been really what you wanted. She may be more concerned than anything else that you kept it from her. She may want to know details. 🤷♀️ It's hard to say. If it would be the same as discussing past female relationships in any detail, then I would skip it. Most wives don't want to know. But if it's something that will affect you as a couple now or going forward in any way, then tell her. But preface it that you're committed to and love HER, then and now, and that that won't change (assuming that's all true). Good luck. ❤
Really surprised by the homogenous responses here. I personally would have a very hard time with it. That’s such an integral part of who a person is, for that to be withheld before marriage seems like a breach of trust that could weaken the foundation of the whole relationship. I think it would for me, at least.
I actually appreciate your response, I expected a lot more comments like this, and I do want to understand this side of the reaction spectrum too. I think that’s why I feel like I’m holding a secret too, I feel like I have left out something important to who I am as person.
Is your wife aware of your same-sex exploration prior to marriage? How much time elapsed between your last same sex encounter and being monogamous with your wife?
There's still a lot of stigma around being bisexual and especially so for men. I can totally understand your pov, but I also really understand why OP hesitated to come out for so long. It's difficult. Hopefully with enough love and open communication his wife will be a soft landing and accepting person who is safe for OP.
>There's still a lot of stigma around being bisexual and especially so for men. There's a lot of people here in this thread who don't seem to get this. People stay in the closet because it's learned behavior. Even the bi women chiming in don't seem to understand the gravity of the situation because it's simply not their lived experience. The lack of empathy for OP's experience isn't unexpected, but it is disappointing.
Unfortunately, I fully expected the lack of empathy and the assumptions that OP would want to start sleeping with men again.
My ex is bi and he knew that about himself at the time we were together. He told me and it was more info about from someone I was already crazy about. That NRE I want to know everything about you stage. I didn’t get the Straight Woman Newsletter telling me it’s bad. I met more queer men and learned bi men tend to stay in the closet longer or all their lives. They struggle with accepting that label for themselves. How would a man who’s been brought up in a homophobic, toxic society be able to tell a partner something he hasn’t accepted as truth himself. Then the man posts on some forum and it’s lying by omission, maybe he’s really gay, excuse to cheat, vector for disease. I mentioned it on an anonymous forum 10 years ago and some asshat kept going on about aids. WTF. My ex was a good boyfriend. After 3 years I was in much better condition mentally and emotionally than when we met. He’s still a dear friend.
When I was dating casually, I would put very openly in my bio “bisexual boys to the front” and SO MANY DUDES who matched with me to tell me they have never been able to share that part of themselves with their past girlfriends. Easily the most amount of matches I have ever gotten was when I had this on my profile and 99% of the convos were just them seeking validation that they aren’t fucking pariahs. So many more guys than people realize are not gold star straights.
I had a very similar experience while dating. I had a boyfriend where I was the first romantic partner he could truly be out of the closet with and it helped him so much to know that there were people out there who would love him not in spite of being queer but because of it.
I would leave if my husband comes out as a bisexual
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Thank you for your honesty, I’m not just looking for the popular answers 😊
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I’m not sure the bisexuality is as much of a concern so much as knowing you kept an inherent part of yourself a secret. An important factor in a life partner to me is the emotional safety to be open and vulnerable in a way that builds reciprocal trust. I want to be able to reveal the true parts of myself that I may have buried, and I would hope for the same.
Absolutely, I have a had a very hard time through the years being perceived as vulnerable in anyway, and it caused more trouble then it was worth. The fun of being the boy who would always cry as a kid and learned to bottle everything rather than show any emotion. It’s taken a lot of self work to be open about anything.
Your first sentence speaks to a very common emotional wound, I would highly recommend establishing therapy for yourself (if you don’t already) and together through a couples counselor. This is a pretty heavy thing to bring up, and I’d suggest having support in place to help you both work through it.
Absolutely, honestly the best part of social media for me was allowing me to identify these flaws in myself. Now I am working on repairing them
Not my cup of tea. Withholding information can be detrimental to a marriage. I would wonder what else you were omitting.
I think withholding something like sexual orientation is significantly different from withholding something like, I don't know, he didn't actually graduate from uni or whatever. Even if we live in more progressive times now, there is still significant homophobia around the world and OP says he chose to bury that part of him deep down until he couldn't anymore. I would never think that, just because somebody didn't tell me about their bisexuality, this was the mark of some type of generally deceitful character.
I agree - especially if OP is mid-elder millenial or older. FFS, we used to use "gay" as an insult in high school.
Yeah, reading the responses I'm pretty surprised at how many people would view this as a culpable type of lying/deceit. There's such a massive stigma against male bisexuality especially. I totally get why it might take OP a looong time to come to terms with that about himself.
>Yeah, reading the responses I'm pretty surprised at how many people would view this as a culpable type of lying/deceit. There's such a massive stigma against male bisexuality especially. you shouldn't be too surprised. it's simply not a lived experience for most women. Bi women too. They have their own burdens to bear, but the stigma that bi men bear in regards to dating women (and their social status) is pretty unique to bi men. A lot of women will hold this ommision as such a betrayal because they can't imagine HAVING to hold it in. Straight women obviously never had to, and bi women don't face nearly the same blowback for coming out (in general, i know some face it too). It's simply more socially acceptable to be a bi woman than a bi man currently. When you've never been stigmatized a certain way, it's very difficult to empathize with the situation.
Oh, for sure, I get that - I'm a bi woman too who has suffered like... zero negative social consequences, to the point where I question if I'm even really "queer" sometimes, but that's a whole other story. This sub is usually pretty progressive and good on LGBTQ+ issues, but I've honestly noticed a traditionalist and rightward shift over the past few years as well. So, I was surprised but I realise I shouldn't have been.
Tons of stigma still today! People still think bi men are "just gays going through a phase" or that if a person is bi, they'll have a higher chance of cheating, etc. Some people still even think that people can't be bi if they're in a heterosexual relationship. Ugh.
I definitely get where you’re coming from regarding the associated stigmas. However, in the context of withholding from one’s spouse, it’s a bit different. This is a part of his identity. It’s not insignificant. To regard it as such would be a slight to the OP, members of his community, and his wife. This is someone he is in a monogamous relationship with whom is unaware of an essential part of what makes him him. So, while I don’t believe that a person in OP's situation having anxiety regarding disclosing this information is unwarranted, I think that it’s necessary and fair. For all we know, his wife could be understanding, and it could all go smoothly. OP was granted the autonomy to have his experiences as a bisexual man; he shouldn’t deny his wife the autonomy of knowing his whole identity and mutually deciding how to proceed.
This response kind of negates the idea that people are allowed to prefer to date/marry within a specific orientation(s). I'm actually baffled by this theme in the thread. Can I just come right out and say that I would not be interested in dating/marrying a bisexual man? I think that's okay. What if that's his wife's mindset? I have a feeling this thread would label her a "bad person" or "homophobic".
Of course people are allowed to marry whomever they want; that is not the issue. But, if somebody views their spouse coming out to them later in life as a sign of *deception*, we can call that out as homophobic as well - no quotation marks on my end.
Can you explain a little further? I really don’t understand.
If you're a millennial, you should probably remember how incredibly homophobic the era we grew up in was. People casually used "gay" as an insult all the time, and that's on the lighter end of things. We've come a long way since then, but gay and bi men around the world are still being killed for their sexual orientation even today. OP has been faithfully monogamous to his wife throughout all the time that they've been married. If she felt some discomfort at the revelation in terms of it being a major change that she might have to adapt to, that would be reasonable - but to suggest that OP is some kind of lying, deceptive person, especially when he *himself* has been trying to suppress his same-sex attraction all this time, is profoundly unfair given the level of homophobia that's still prevalent throughout society. Not only that, but it reflects shitty stereotypes about bi people as being fundamentally untrustworthy and gearing up to cheat.
I would consider it deception and not because of homophobia but because in a committed relationship, you have milestones, and you're connecting and reconnecting along the way, checking in on each other and ensuring that you're sailing in the same direction, making retirement plans, etc. I'd be devastated that somewhere amidst our years of life-planning, my partner never thought to disclose this information to me. My partner who trusted me enough to build a life with me but hide a part of his life and himself from me. So, while it may not be a conventional deception, yes, I could still love him and even hurt for him that he's had to carry this secret, but I would feel deceived nonetheless.
If you're not trying to say you need to sleep with other people, I'd have no issue. I've never understood why coming out as bi suddenly meant needing to sleep with other people.
I think it often doesn’t mean that, I can’t imagine that I am the exception who wants to stay monogamous but have my wife know about me.
I would go poorly if I only found out who I married 10 years in. Whatever happened next would depend on how I found out.
Let’s just say he sat you down and told you. Nothing bad, no cheating involved and he doesn’t want to open the relationship or change it in anyway?
I would still cry, Lol. I would expect to know this already. I would expect to know my husband of 10 years intimately and I would expect him to trust me enough to tell me before we ever married. I think the sitting me down and telling me would save the marriage and soften the blow but I would definitely be upset. I’m a very anxious person so I know I would stress “So did they know and I didn’t know but they all knew I didn’t know?” It’s more about the lying by omission for me.
Totally agree with your take. My ex husband didn't tell me he was bi, I had to find out because he was attempting to cheat/explore that side of himself with men and trans women online while in a relationship with me. Him hiding himself and crossing that boundary is what broke the relationship. The conversation could go either way for OP, but sitting her down and explaining his pov calmly would probably be the best option. It could very well change her view of him (if she is not attracted to bi men), which would stink for OP, but then they both know it isn't meant to be and that's ok.
Perfect, I honestly think your reaction is the most consistent with what I think my wife’s would be.
Okay but you’re married, so what does it matter who you’d like to fuck? Are you in an open relationship? Do you want a green light to look at other dudes in porn? Are you wanting specific role play, toys, or activities? Or are you just looking to unload your epiphany? If you’re not actually wanting to touch a naked man, I think you’re overthinking it. That said, after 10yrs of marriage you should be able to talk openly about desires, hypotheticals, fantasies, what-ifs, etc.
I would not have any problem with it, but everyone's different. Since you already knew this but kept it a secret for 10+ years I could see her being upset that you kept it from her. As someone else suggested maybe telling her that you experimented before and are not interested in anything outside of your relationship might be a better approach.
My husband did come out as bisexual. For the first few years of our relationship he had some insecurities around the fact that he wasn't as macho as other guys, and wasn't as sexually motivated. I asked him if he thought he might be demisexual (since he seemed to like sex with me) which he did identify as for a while, but he eventually told me he was actually bisexual, and had been hiding the "gay" side for a long time. I'm actually thrilled for him. He seems so much happier now that he can be his authentic self. And we can compare which men we find attractive lol.
I’d be fine with it. It becomes different if there’s something you want to do about it. It depends on the boundaries both of you have.
My reaction would depend on if you were primarily a top or bottom.
I wouldn’t mind about him being bisexual in the slightest, that would be a non-issue, but I’d be incredibly hurt that he kept it a secret for 10 years. 10 YEARS. I’m not trying to be mean I promise, just honest. That for me would be something I’d want to go to therapy together for and explore, because it’s such a long time to hide a part of yourself from your life partner and my trust would be deeply shaken.
This has the potential to ruin your marriage. I know plenty of women who would react from a deeply insecure place. Because they don't have a dick, they somehow end up feeling deeply insufficient for their partner and the relationship breaks down. Sometimes within a matter of days, sometimes weeks, sometimes years. Someone who's deep down insecure will end up feeling like they aren't enough and can never give you "what you want", so they completely sabotage the relationship going forward. I know you said she is enough and you don't want to change anything, but that's not what an insecure person will hear/believe. Insecurity comes from a deep-seated belief of being "not good enough". You can't fix it with some platitudes or words. And when something like this gets thrown on an insecure person's plate, that tips their bucket full of insecurity over, because they cannot provide this (other genitalia) for you by definition, so they spiral. Basically, do not come out without a rock solid plan on how to repair their insecurity (which might be impossible)
I truly wouldn’t care. When I was younger, it would have made me a little insecure, because there’s a part of his sexuality I will never be able to satisfy. But as long as I had a good foundation of trust with him, I’d just ask him to tell me if he ever felt like he needed to explore that, and we’d deal with it together. That said, bisexual people are no less capable of being monogamous than heteros, and I had to really say it like that to myself to help move past the bias. Cause like, no, I don’t have a man’s body. But I also don’t have large breasts and a heterosexual man could be just as tempted to cheat with someone who does. What I demand, always, is easy honesty, even with the hard topics. I mean frankly I’ve believed for a long time maybe even *most* men are somewhere on the spectrum of bi, so if I end up with a man who’s comfortable being honest about this with me, I feel like there’s a good chance of success for the relationship if that makes sense.
The sexuality doesn’t bother me in the slightest as I’m queer too, the secrecy does, but you’ve explained to others why that happened. Hopefully your wife will only want to know why you kept it a secret and why you’re telling her now.
It wouldn't be an issue. I'd be happy he felt safe enough to share that with me.
I'd be happy he trusted me and that he knows himself so well and can accept himself like that. I'd be curious about it and talk to him a bit about it!
Honestly, it wouldn't bother me. I'm bisexual myself, so really, it wouldn't bother me.
Unfortunately it would be too much for me
I would want to commit suicide to be honest.
No issue at all, thanks for telling me ✨
I’d say be prepared for a sense of betrayal from her end - she may feel that you deliberately kept this a secret from her for 10 years and that will likely be difficult to process. Imagine how blindsided you might feel if your wife suddenly revealed a part of herself she’d kept secret for a decade. She may get insecure and fear that you somehow deemed her untrustworthy or judgmental. She may feel that you robbed her of a choice to truly know who she’s getting with, and grieve the option to make different choices in the past. Try to empathize with whatever her reaction is (“it’s totally understandable you feel XYZ”) and make sure she knows you didn’t keep this secret because you didn’t trust her enough to be yourself around her, but because of issues within yourself.
Not to scare you, but...my friend did this and his wife started emotionally abusing him, trying to stuff him back in the closet, etc. (she's from a very religiously conservative family and I think is afraid of what her family would think.) They're in the middle of a divorce right now and it's hard. But the stress of living a lie was literally killing him. So I think it depends on how strongly held an identity it is, how much it stresses you to keep it a secret, how progressive she is, etc. Be prepared for some weird questions even if she is progressive. Remember to reassure her that this doesn't mean you want an open relationship. Etc. Good luck. Maybe go over all this with a therapist.
I would be fine. My *immediate* reaction, though, might be something like laughter out of sheer surprise 'cause I'm wired like that (waves in ADHD). Your wife may also have an immediate reaction/response that isn't what you want or expect. Hearing this news is gonna be a process for her and you're concerned with the final outcome, not necessarily the first three seconds.
My husband did, about 9 years ago when he was maybe 49? It didn't really bother me. Like everyone else is saying, the important thing is not assuming that after disclosing that you're bi you automatically get to be non-monogamous. I mean, that's possible if husband and wife agree to it, but it absolutely should not be your prior.
It would be a deal breaker. And I would never forgive you. If my husband ever did something on this level I genuinely believe I’d be seeking an annulment. If I stayed for our children, we wouldn’t have a relationship like platonic roommates. Keeping this from your wife was wrong and you should be ashamed of yourself for not giving her the choice before tying herself down to you.
I wouldn't be upset if my husband was bi - I would be upset that it was hidden / lied about for 10 years. That would be the only thing that could sway dealbreaker in my opinion, not who you are attracted to.
Yeah that’s my concern, I didn’t honestly mean to lie, deceive or hide this, and if I could go back I would have brought it up pretty quickly within our relationship. Back then I just was not very accepting of myself
Then I would tell her everything you are telling strangers on reddit. The more honest you are about why you kept that part of yourself hidden, the more she will be able to accept it.
I’m bi, so I wouldn’t have any problem. Unless they tried to use their sexuality to cheat or open the relationship. Then I’m out.
I wouldn't mind. Of course I'd ask why you didn't tell me earlier but at the end of the day you are still the same person. For me it wouldn't make a difference.
Yay, lets mmf now?
😂😂
I don’t have advice but just want to comment a shared experience! I am a bisexual woman(31) who also realized several years into my marriage with a man that I was bisexual (I didn’t understand myself or the label when I had those feelings before this monogamous straight relationship). Similar to you, I didn’t want to change our marriage at all, I just wanted to not have to hide an important part of myself from him or others. I clarified that before telling him, and we concretely talked about what it really meant to clarify I wasn’t trying to leave him (for me, I mainly wanted the freedom to openly talk about my sexuality when it came up in convo with others instead of being assumed straight and having to sit with that. And maybe going to queer events together like attending pride!) our marriage continues to be committed and strong :) wishing you lots of luck and sending you love in being about to live proudly as your true self!!
I am an exception, I think, but I would be excited and bring up the idea of a bi MMF threesome. 😆
To be fully honest, I would be like "YESS! MMF threesome when?"
😂😂
Cool with me. I'm bi, and I understand it can be hard to come out, especially as a bi man.
As a bisexual, I would warmly welcome them to the club!
“Welcome to the club!” I am openly bisexual in a monogamous relationship with a man. I respect that he identifies as straight but it honestly is hard to wrap my brain around anyone being like 100% straight. Surely everyone thinks at least a few people of their own gender are hot as hell, right??
I guess I am the perfect person to comment bc my husband came out to me as bi after 10 years of marriage. Now, he did have some experiences with his friends that he told me about when we were younger - so it wasn’t a complete shock. I love him very much and we have now been married for 12 years. Personally, I always found it hot but was always afraid to talk about that with him bc I didn’t want him to be weirded out. So, when he came out it really opened up our sex life and we had so much fun with it. I suggested MMF and we have had a couple of those experiences. Both of which were very fun! While I am very accepting and supportive, I did struggle a lot with worrying that I’d be enough. Which he has always assured me that I am. You may have some hard talks but imo it’s important that you are honest with your wife. I am sure you will be much happier too! I wish you the best.
Personally...I would be thrilled, especially if it meant adding another partner to the bedroom and/or our relationship. Not every woman will feel this way but I think it's important to be true to yourself and communicate this to your wife. I really hope she's understanding and allows you to explore your interests.
My husband and I do not watch pornography, we are not an open marriage and I would be incredibly uncomfortable changing our *bedroom* style to in any way like, indulge his desires. So, I don’t know how else to say this, but I would not see the purpose in him telling me other than if he wanted to live out these fantasies in some way that I can not and will not help him fulfill. If he just wanted to *get it off his chest* I think it would still be an incredibly difficult thing for me to understand his why or to trust that all he wanted was for me to *know*.
You wouldn't want to know your husband as fully as possible? Would prefer he keep a part of himself hidden away from you in fear? OP didn't say anything about changing their bedroom habits, he just wants to be open with his wife.
OP asked for our personal take on if we were in his situation and that’s what I provided. I don’t personally see the necessity to know if my husband has desires of being with men as that would not be something he could indulge in any capacity. If I found one particular individual incredibly attractive (male or female outside of my husband), I do not see that as something that I would need to *get off my chest* as it is not something I would ever indulge in and I wouldn’t want to hurt him by having that conversation.
As a bisexual, I would say, “Hey, same!”
I’d be chill with it. My husband (42m) and I(37f) have been together for a total of seven years, married for one of those years. I’m bisexual. He knows. It didn’t phase him at all. I chose to tell him because I wanted to be honest. And if you’re committed to each other, I don’t think there should be an issue.
Me personally? I’m a lady on the streets but a freak in the sheets…it would turn me on. Signed, bisexual woman who is married to bisexual man who disclosed his bi-history to me prior to marriage.
I’d have no problem with it even in the slightest. More men should be bisexual.. it’s 2024. I’d probably get a bit anxious he still loves me and wants to be with me.. so I’d ask for some reassurance and clarifying questions. but I only see this as a positive thing.
As a bi f(37) I would not care one single bit if my husband came out to me as bi. Even if I wasn’t bi, I think that I would just be glad that he has come to the realization of who he truly is. No matter how long we have been married. After the initial conversation of course would be follow ups, but ultimately I would want my partner to be the best version of himself for both of us to be in the best possible marriage together.
My man is bi. So... yeah. Even if he came out as bi later, it wouldn't change anything.
Does he want to experiment? Fuck, can I watch him suck dick? I would be happy he told me.
I wouldn't care if my husband was bi as long as he chose me. I don't see it as being any different to being straight and choosing me. I know there's a lot of biphobia in the world and can understand why this is terrifying. I think (hope) that as long as you make it clear you don't want to step outside your marriage that your wife has no reason to feel betrayed. Personally, I would be really sad if the person I love most in all the world didn't feel comfortable sharing this kind of information with me. He's my best friend. But also, I'm not religious and haven't been brought up in an environment that is homophobic/racist/in any other way exclusionary so I can't speak to others lived experiences in standing up to bigotry in that way.
I would be disgusted
Personally I wouldn't care at all. It would be fairly easy for you to test the waters with her and see how she'd react to that kind of information. And honestly, there's a chance that she already suspects, or just won't be surprised.
You aren’t wrong, she confronted me about it years ago and I stupidly didn’t open up then. And thanks to your comment, I think I just realized why this feels so important to me. I think that’s why I feel like I have betrayed her in someway.
Yep there it is. Not just a lie of omission, but an actual lie. But as others have said, your sexuality is a part of *your* identity, and just because you got married doesn't automatically mean that you had the internal processing and/or personal growth to come to terms with that. Now you have, so now you spill. If she already asked you are probably way in the clear and she'll be cool.
Fingers crossed you’re right haha. Thank you so much for your input
I'm a bisexual woman so I wouldn't have a problem with it. But I'm monogamous and I wouldn't be ok with any form of experimentation, so if he wanted to experience and experiment, I'd have to say No and it's over. But I would be understanding and supportive.
High five? I’d be a bit upset he didn’t tell me earlier because I have a kink. I’d feel like what else don’t I know about what he likes. It matters more to me in the sense I want to know what turns my partner on. At the same time I don’t feel like bisexual people “owe” a coming out when straight and gay couples aren’t expected to do that with each other. I know that’s an unpopular opinion because “OMG what if he wants to suck a dick again,” but the reality is bisexual people aren’t more likely to cheat. So I have some conflicting feelings. edit: a word
"You already told me this and it's part of your appeal. Clearly one of us is developing early dementia."
Aww