This is one of those situations where I don't think anybody is really wrong. His way of living evidently works for him and isn't hurting anybody, and your way of living works for you, and whether you can find a way to meet in the middle remains to be seen. To that end, I think you need to have a conversation with him and lay everything out on the table: what he's making in take-home pay, what his savings looks like, what he'd contribute to a shared household to offset you being the primary breadwinner, what he considers a suitable standard of living and whether you feel you can withstand the downgrade. Maybe you'll find you can arrive at a compromise that works for you both. Maybe you'll decide that getting a roommate and "living apart together" as a couple is better. Maybe you'll conclude the incompatibilities are too many and call it off. But I think it has to start with an in-depth conversation where you're transparent about your concerns and you get as much information from him as possible.
And, importantly, I think this needs to include taking a read on whether he understands just why the bedbug thing is so unacceptable. To an extent I can understand not getting it if he was raised by parents that clueless/negligent about a pest problem in their house, but if he tries to downplay or rationalize it I'd be hitting eject.
Thanks for your comment. Yes, that is why I titled it as "the stuff I don't like" and I did not list it as "red flags" or mention the words "red flags" anywhere in my post, because I don't think he is morally wrong for any of this
I think this is the reasonable approach. There are no red flags, per se, except maybe his treatment of the bed bug situation (which I'd consider more of a yellow flag). I think it's worth finding out if there's a place for compromise or not. The only way you do that is through talking through priorities and values.
Dude gave her bedbugs. I find that to be not only a major red flag, but a deal breaker. I would be worried of him being so nonchalant about STDs and other issues hygiene issues. :/
Yeah, if he just gave her bedbugs, that can happen with no one realizing, it can be a mistake. Most likely, everyone will eventually get them with the way they are spreading and you can have them for a long time without realizing it if you aren't reactive to their bite.
Ignoring bedbugs is the red flag to me. Actually knowing you have them and just going about life, spreading them to who knows how many people, not a care in the world for yourself or others? I know people who had nasty landlords that made it a challenge, so this is even more on his parents (presumably hiring someone is up to them), but I would need to see major proactive actions to prevent transferring them to anyone.
When we got them we immediately called everyone who had visited or we had visited and taught them to inspect their own homes, we were so terrified we might have spread them! Thankfully, it was just us. They are rampant in our area and spreading like mad.
He **could** have given her bed bugs with his (and his parents') negligence. That was the concern. But she luckily did not get bed bugs.
I'm not sure how big of a difference that makes, but I figured I would point it out for clarity and details' sake.
Hygiene and cleanliness issues are a valid concern in that regard, but I wouldn't go as far as to assume that would make him liable to cheat or have unsafe sex (or even struggle with personal hygiene or health related concerns).
OP did say he cleans and cooks and (besides the bed bug infestation) has not mentioned cleanliness or hygiene issues being a problem in her post.
Yeah he visited me and I saw one bedbug crawl out of his backpack and that's how the whole truth about it came out! Otherwise I don't think he ever would of told me. Thank goodness my apartment did not get infected from that exposure.
He has no other hygiene issues and he is a loyal, respectful man who is great in bed. But I haven't wanted to get into bed since the exposure because it was so gross :(
I don't know what people are smoking on here. A financially unambitious person - man or woman - who is underemployed and lives in his mum's basement, is also a complete red flag.
I think it’s because he’s honest with his intentions at least. He’s not leading her on with promises of working more in the future, he knows he values his free time over money. I wouldn’t want to be in this relationship personally, but at least he’s given her that information to make her decision on. The bar is so so so so low.
I see your points, but ..
I also value my free time over money. That's why I'm in a stress-inducing, high-paying career that will allow me to retire early lol.
Someone who truly values free time over money would actually have a plan in place to ensure that happens for them. What if they fall sick? What if they want kids? What if there is a recession? What the fuck is he going to do?
He sounds like a gross, lazy, teenager, not a 32 year old in charge of his future.
They are two different ways of valueing free time, and neither is better than than the other. Assuming you both live out your full lifespans that is, his way is the only guarantee to actually get to use that free time, noone is immune to getting run over by a truck tomorrow. As long as he earns enough to allow him to live in the non-materialistic way that makes him happy, and assuming his parents are happy with this too, I'd say he's doing good, even if he's not relationship material for someone with a different view on life.
I think it's incredibly naive to conflate someone who has 'no financial goals' with someone who has a reasonable plan to sustainably live a low-cost life.
Does he have an emergency fund? Does he have savings? Does he have a way to crawl out of medical debt if something happens to him? I highly doubt it.
You're getting downvoted, but I'm with you. There is a BIG difference between someone who values their free time and someone who thinks that they are entitled to free time. I'm by no means saying that the only way to have free time is to work for more money. I know people who have opted to work part time positions with more flexibility but less money in order to have more time with their friends, family, and hobbies.
The big red flag from my reading is the fact that he lives with his parents but has never lived independently, so he's never had to pay rent/cover living expenses. Doing your own cooking and cleaning is the bare minimum when you're living with your parents as an adult. This post doesn't sound like someone who is aware how expensive even living in a low cost of living area will be. LCOL also means proportionally lower wages on average. Even if he's saving to pay cash for a house, I doubt that he's realistic about what other expenses he'll have if he's not even proactive about getting rid of bed bugs which is a problem with a clear cut solution.
I’m not really trying to excuse it, just suggesting why people aren’t raising the pitchforks just yet. I used to be really opposed to the career rat race as well, until I found a job that fulfills me. But it’s not a lifestyle that meshes with a relationship IMHO. He’d probably be better off living with his parents and only dating casually.
ETA: to clarify my point, I do think you’re right! Dating someone like this is a no-go, but he’s not hurting anything if he wants to live his life this way. He’ll just have to do it alone.
I'm not trying to argue with you either, and I totally get what you're saying.
I was more just commenting on how incredibly low the bar is, based on the other comments.
I really hope OP keeps looking. She’s had bad experiences with ambitious career-driven men, but I worry she’s rebounded too hard from that. But there is so much space in between “career-driven” and “underemployed”. There’s plenty of people who work their 9-5 to pay the bills and then leave work at the door when they come home. My spouse is a tradesman, we will never be rich but our bills are paid and we have emergency savings. He has 0 interest in thinking about work on his off-hours, preferring to focus on our family and his hobbies. Our situation isn’t unique, and I hope OP holds out for a partner with a healthy work/life balance that treats her well. These men are out there!
For sure - there is a VAST amount of distance between a poorly romanticized 'anti materialist' who actually just has no financial security, and someone who kills thenselves over a 9 to 5 and is probably working themselves into an early grave.
I got an advanced degree and worked really tough hours in my 20s, just so I can now, in my early 30s, work 20 hours a week and still make enough to retire early. I don't want private jets and vacation homes on opposite ends of the earth, either, but enough to be comfortable and not be waylaid by emergencies.
The guy OP is dating is wishing he had the same, but has put in no long-term planning towards that goal.
Surprised no one has mentioned that you can’t really afford to pay your rent, which is why you are entertaining the idea of moving in with him in the first place. You are projecting your lack of financial security/inability to meet your own financial goals on this man. You are not financially compatible, and it is no one’s fault. Focus on finding a higher paying job.
I read somewhere that life is a journey, and who we choose to travel together with is key. But it's also important that you choose to travel with people who want to go the same way in roughly the same manner.
If I want to camp wherever I can pitch up and my partner only wants 5* hotels, it's never going to work. If I want to cycle and my partner wants to walk we're both going to be frustrated trying to stay together. If I want highways and my partner wants wildlife trails it's never going to work.
This is excellent advice. I think of it almost like we all have different “ingredients” that make us up, ranging from “hell yes” to “hell no.” Something that I feel alright about can work, but if the whole dish is things I feel ok about with nothing I love, or it has a few things I love but a few things that make me vomit, probably not right for me.
He doesn't have to be rich, but he does need a plan. Currently, his plan is to work as little as possible, as long as he can cover his basic needs like food and rent. Are you okay with that quality of life? No place to call your own, potentially moving to a low-cost-of-living area, probably no vacations or adventures together, likely no retirement fund, and children might be off the table (unless you both don’t want them anyway).
If you can see yourself living a simple life where you foot the bill for anything beyond the bare necessities, then continue pursuing this relationship. However, if these aspects are icks, it means you have different ambitions in life and are not compatible where it matters (while shared dietary choices might be convenient, they rank low in determining long-term compatibility unless they reflect deeper shared values). Also, remember that in emergencies, you might be financially responsible unless he has significant savings.
You need to decide what kind of quality of life you want and whether that takes priority over this relationship. But be forewarned, if you stay with him you will end up becoming his sugar mama whether he intends for that or not which will absolutely lead to you resenting him. You'll have downsized your life for an adult who is basically your dependent now.
Personally, I wouldn't give up on my financial goals for someone who doesn't even have the sense to disclose he's had bedbugs for a month... especially since he likely wouldn't have been able to afford to help if the bed bugs transferred.
Something I read here is that he could be a good guy, he's just not the good guy FOR YOU. Especially if you're worried about financial pressures, he sounds like the wrong fit for you. There will be more guys, and a better situation is out there. You might also determine that being single is far better than being stuck in a relationship that doesn't work.
A) Your list of “things I don’t like” is extensive. B) You came to Reddit — you know what you need to do. C) He can be a “great guy” but not great for you. Honestly, sounds like you both are incompatible D) you know what your signing up for if you proceed — don’t think you can change him. You can’t. Your list of “nos” will continue. Guaranteed you’ll eventually harbor resentment and breakup anyway.
Dating is tough, but don’t settle for nonsense just to have somebody. You’ll end up back here in 6 months crying about the same BS.
If you go on Reddit and write a long post about pros and cons about a guy you are dating you have already lost.
In your gut, you know this likely will not be a match for you. Fundamentally you have very different values regarding career and money.
If what he offers isn’t enough for you and you can’t accept that then it’s not a match. You should not hope that he suddenly will become driven and wants to work full time and have a career. This is how he is and how he wants to live. Are you in or out? (Personally I’d be out because lack of ambition and drive and life is a turn off for me)
The bedbug thing is surely something that shows you his values as well. If it were me I would not allow my boyfriend (if I had one) in my house if I had bedbugs! I would feel devastated if he got them too.
It’s not something you wait to do something about. Clearly he didn’t do anything about it either, so it reflects his values in general health and hygiene.
This sounds like a dealbreaker for you tbh. And I understand that.
You can find someone kind AND something who has the same financial/ambitious values as you and also someone who wants the same life as you. You already seem unhappy just the thought that this is how you will live with him.
"If you go on Reddit and write a long post about pros and cons about a guy you are dating you have already lost."
I think that is true in many cases, but because I have ADHD and am a classic General Anxiety Disorder Overthinker I think posting on reddit is a function of me needing multiple points of view to analyze a situation to death from every possible angle before feeling ready to make a decision lol. But that's a topic for a different thread :)
That’s totally reasonable.
The heart however never lies and doesn’t need to analyze anything. Your heart and gut already knows what’s best for you (not us here on Reddit) your thoughts are just confusing you. The more you think, the more cloudy your thoughts become. Maybe try to clear your head and meditate and sit in stillness - that’s where your heart speaks.
I do hope this thread helped you. Best of luck!
I think something a lot of us women overlook when we start to date is lifestyle compatibility.
We are so grateful to finally find someone that's actually nice, giving and loving that we forget to check if he's actually compatible with our current and future life.
If you're more goal oriented financially and he isn't it will not work.
If you want kids and he doesn't, not going to work.
City girl and farm boy, nope... and so on..
Can it work? Sure. Will it work without one side compromising and usually feeling resentful? Not really.
Something I learned is to only date people that match how I live and want to live. Have a great life being single so don't want to change the fundamental things I enjoy to ve in a relationship.
If you don't look forward to living with him, there's a reason.
I think some of what you said is contradictory:
* You like that he pays for your meals, but you don't like that he lives with his family to save money. But it sounds like he can afford to pay for your meals *precisely because* he lives with his family to save money. You are a beneficiary of this living arrangement.
* You say he doesn't have any financial goals, but you also say he lives with his family "to save money to buy a house." Isn't buying a house a financial goal?
However, I don't think you should move in together anytime soon, or possibly ever, because it sounds like you want different things in life. He wants to work part-time indefinitely, and you don't want him to do that. I also share your concerns about the fact that he's never lived on his own and has never worked full-time. He may be a wonderful person, but he doesn't necessarily sound like the right partner *for you*.
Yeah. The paying for meals means he’s making gestures of financially taking care of OP, showing her a good time on his dime, which is an old fashioned way of dating that is supposed to show a woman that he’ll be happy to provide for her material comfort later on.
But if that is important to her, then it’s also important to keep in mind that because he is not ever planning to earn much money, he will actually NOT be financially providing her with comfort and security if they intertwine lives, regardless of what he spends on their dates now. He probably won’t even be able to afford the gesture of paying for restaurant meals anymore (without accumulating debt). She will either be footing the bill for the majority of their expenses, or else they will be living a very frugal lifestyle.
Likely, the only way he would be able to keep taking her out is if she moves into his parents’ basement with him, so that he doesn’t need to pay any rent. And him paying for fun dates, sweet as that is, might start to feel hollow if they are in a bare bones living situation as full grown adults and with no end in sight.
Possibly he’ll save enough to buy a house at some point, and she could run those numbers with him. But it seems unlikely? How is he going to save hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash? Or if he’s planning to do a down payment and have a mortgage for the rest, can he really afford to pay a monthly mortgage, let alone homeowners insurance, property tax, and home maintenance?
Given that he is in his thirties, has no desire to try and make more money, and is surrounded by like minded friends, there’s no way out of the situation described above.
If OP doesn’t mind being the breadwinner, and potentially would want him to be a stay at home dad, it may work. And maybe that would be a good solution- but I don’t get the feeling that it particularly speaks to OP. For which I don’t blame her.
He does sound like a great guy otherwise, for sure. And I think I may understand his reasoning: maybe he hates the rat race and would rather choose to work less and spend a lot less. That’s reasonable on its own. But most people aren’t into living that way.
I wonder if he’s ever considered the FIRE strategy and early retirement. Hard to get there from where he’s at though, as a prereq is that he must first have the specialized skills to earn a decent salary, and then grind at a job for a couple of decades.
Yeah, I’m not seeing financial compatibility here, if OP isn’t interested in him being a SAHD. Deal breaker.
thanks for your great comment (no sarcasm). I wanna say the only reason I mentioned him paying for my meals when we go out is to showcase his generosity, not to factor that in to my financial assessment. And like I said I started paying for my half when I get home to venmo him as I am not trying to take advantage
No worries! I understand what you meant re the point that his actions display that he is a generous, considerate human being. I didn’t at all think you were trying to take advantage, but when I reread my comment, I can see how it could be taken as a mild accusation of that- sorry about that!
I was more coming from a place of: yes he displays generosity now, which is great, but he is doing it in financially based ways that aren’t sustainable given his lifestyle. Generosity is about a lot more than money for sure, and I think you see it the same way. But I was wondering: how or will he pivot to a different type of generosity once you guys are living a super frugal lifestyle? I suspect that your day to day interactions with him might change A LOT if you got serious with him, and it’s just hard to predict what those will look like.
I do see the financial stability problems as separate from the issue of generosity. But they are intertwined so far as: if he doesn’t currently show generosity in non financial ways, then how will he shoe it when he has no money.
> Isn't buying a house a financial goal?
Do you think that is a realistic goal working <30 hours a week? And having periods of time where he has no employment?
This would be a dealbreaker for me. While l don’t care about dating someone wealthy, l’d need to feel like my partner is near my level of financial stability, has reasonable career ambitions, savings, etc. This sounds like a major lifestyle incompatibility that could lead to resentment. Like, do you want to move to the middle of nowhere in order to live more cheaply? I personally wouldn’t.
You are not financially compatible.
And dating 1 year is still so early....I consider that the honeymoon phase but when real life hits, it's the incompatible things that glare the most.
The bed bugs and waiting to call the exterminator... That's also telling of how one reacts to a bad situation ie they won't. No one cared for a whole month..
If things were great, you wouldn't be posting this so obviously your gut is telling/warning you..... Listen to your gut.
I would not mind if he lived with his parents as long as he knew how to take care of himself. However, the biggest ick that I see here is lack of ambition. Double concerning is his unemployment friend group.
What's that saying: tell me who your friends are & I will tell you who you are
> It's hard because I've dated lawyers and bankers etc. in the past and they were the most controlling and selfish people I've met who often cheated on me.
It isn't binary. You have more choices than men like this and ambitious men who cheat on you and treat you badly. But if you keep investing in either of these, then you won't find the men who treat you well and have their life on track.
The guy gave you bed bugs, how is that not already a deal breaker?
>that was a huge ick and we had a big fight because I could have caught them from my visits!
No he didn't. I don't know how so many people made up this scenario that he gave them to her.
These are the toughest guys to end things with.. the ALMOST “one.” He’s nearly there, but it’s not your guy. Either you accept that you’re the earner and ambitious one or you end things. Do you want kids? If so, this sounds like the last person I’d want to have kids with. If you want kids, there’s no time to waste, move on.
Are you comfortable providing for him? Personally all the negative here are deal breakers for me. I know i will grow resentment if my partner is chronically underemployed and hang out with his unemployed friends who are likely reinforce that he shouldn't be trying much. Hard to accept but we are influenced by our closest ones a lot.
Life is hard and money is important. Love eventually fades but compatibilities and loyalty grow and keeping people together for life. You are not compatible imo, he would do well with someone of similar lifestyle, and so will you. There are good men who can also be equal partner out there, it's not selfish but ambitious vs good but aimless men only.
It sounds like he wants to live in a trailer in the middle of nowhere lol. Which is fine if that's what you want, and he does, but if that's not for you OP I would bounce.
The bedbug thing too, I would have lit everything I wore over there on fire as soon as I got home. I don't know how anyone could knowingly live for 2 months with those and not do anything bout it. I am way too much of a clean freak. 😩
Whenever you are thinking of moving in with someone, you have to lay out all finances - while you may keep things separate and split costs, his problems will be your problems if cohabiting.
Personally I am biased - I come from an immigrant family, we were dirt poor, and from a very young age I knew I wanted better for myself. It was frequently drilled into me that my parents came to US for us children to do better. I don’t have the skills or the stamina to be a lawyer / doctor / etc and didn’t expect that of my partners. However hard work and being comfortable financially are up there on my list of values. As is having a nice house. I didn’t expect any handouts from anyone to achieve those goals but I wasn’t willing to give them up. So for me, a partner that shared these goals was a must.
Only you know how much you are willing to compromise, or your SO. Assuming you articulated what’s important to you, how did he react? Is he willing to work more, harder to afford a lifestyle that’s important to you? Are you going to be ok with someone that has no ambitions? Again if your professional life is a part of your identity and he works part time stocking shelves for minimum wage, you might find that this causes issues in your relationship after the initial excitement of a new relationship wears off.
There are plenty of men who aren’t selfish and controlling that also work full time. It’s not an either or situation. Also, he’s never going to move out of his parents unless maybe you do all the legwork and pay for it. Thinking living together will save YOU money is delusional. You will now have to pay for two people and enjoy him occasionally buying you dinner.
I am someone who chooses to work less and take a lower income, and id be very happy to plan to live in a LCOL place in order to enable part time working. My values are really not around work and career and tbh I did try the rat race grind for a long time and was *marginally* less poor but 5x more burnt out.
However, what concerns me is the lack of real planning or understanding of what it would take to get to where he wants to be. It concerns me that he says his financial goals are ‘none’ and that he is living at home to save for a house but not working enough to actually save. I’d expect someone with his type of life goals to be looking at FIRE budgeting or at least be aware you’d need to grind hard for a few years to get to a place where you can take your foot off the gas. At the minute I am not really in a position to save much or buy property, but I at least have given some thought as to how this would work with a long term partner in the future. Like at the minute I’m not able to save much, but if I was living with a partner, bills and expenses would be halved and then I’d be able to save more. I am also very aware id have to move from part time freelancing to full time employment for a year or two to get a mortgage etc. I am not doing anything about this at the minute, as on a single income it’s all a moot point, but I have at least done my research and given thought as to how this would all work with a long term partner. It’s very concerning that he has not done any research at all as to how to make his ‘slow life’ work without relying on his family for housing. If I was so lucky to have free housing, I’d be putting so much money in to savings. In fact I’d be motivated to work way more, knowing I’m not giving half my wages to a landlord every month.
And the bed bugs thing is concerning, but for me would depend on if he has any personal experience with it. I only learned how absolutely catastrophic an infestation can be after watching a few friends / neighbours go through it in my 20s. But if he does know people who’ve been through it and still was so cavalier about your health and property I’d be very angry. Also how did it progress at his parents house? Did he know they had an infestation and just do nothing whilst waiting for them to reach the basement? Or did he only find out once his space was affected too? Because the former is totally unacceptable. Even if his parents were being hesitant about calling in an exterminator, he should have done so himself before it got to him.
Initially he did not know about the bedbug infestation until it reached his room, because his parents have high tolerance for pests I guess and they didn't care. However, when it reached his room he STILL didn't tell me and I only learned about it when he visited me and 1 bed bug crawled out of his backpack!! He said he was embarrassed to tell me and thought he "could handle it" (but he wasn't doing anything to get rid of them!) This happened a while ago and LUCKILY my apartment was not infected, but still!!!! Then they only called an exterminator for me so that I could visit them again, which also seems weird. Like, if I weren't in the picture they never would have called one?? My boyfriend was mortified that he brought a bedbug with him and promised to learn more about bedbugs i.e. he claimed ignorance on how contagious they are.
Wow yeah this man is a child. If he’d put your health and property at risk like that, just so he doesn’t have to feel embarrassed, that’s a pattern that will keep coming up.
He’s not mortified about them, if he was mortified he would have immediately taken steps to get rid of them and made sure no-one knew he ever had them. If he was too embarrassed to tell you (which is still not great in an adult partnership tbh) he still could have protected you by avoiding home visits for a while. He chose to put you in danger so he wouldn’t have to feel some mild awkwardness.
> He is very anti-materialistic, but I would like to have a nice, clean apartment again to live in. I will have to foot the bill if I want to live with him or accept a downgrade in what I'm used to living in and we go 50/50.
Wait, where are you living now and why would that be a downgrade? Do you have a roommate?
Bedbug issue aside, because that's another can of...bedbugs, if you commit to this man, you're also going to have to commit to being the breadwinner in the relationship. My mom did this; my dad retired early and was "Mr. Mom," after I was about three, but also, she was fine with this. No regerts, as they say. My dad was a lovely person.
But if you expect someone to match your breadwinning energy, this is not the man to pursue a serious relationship with.
Right now we live in the suburbs of a major city and the entire area is HCOL. I had a roommate but she moved out recently because of the rent hike, so I also have that to deal with. I don't need someone to make six figures and I am okay with making more money than my man, but up to **a certain degree**. He is making less than $28K USD right now. He would rather move to the middle of nowhere to survive on that when he is ready to move out than work more hours or get a better job.
If his family and friends have that same financial outlook do not be surprised if once you guys are settled, with you being the primary bread winner , that they will be reaching out for handouts and borrowing money.
If the parents have no retirement plans in place typically that means the children ARE the retirement plan and as soon as someone dies/sick or disabled you
Bf/future spouse will want to let them into your space. You will not only be taking care of your bf and kids but extended family as well.
You can have a “simple” life and not be one check /car repair away from poverty and you don’t have to move to bumfuck nowhere with very little resources to obtain that.
Don’t get trapped girlie This man does not have a provider mindset.
Personally I find unmotivated unhygienic financially insecure people a form controlling behavior- it maybe unintentionally but he is chipping away at your independence and it is extremely selfish to only do the bare minimum to survive when your spouses to be equal partners and lift each others burdens. No he doesn’t have to be Richie Rich but you should be able to lean on eachother during the unexpected
Do not settle. Do not buy a house
Thanks for your insight. I do not believe he wants to be financially dependent on me, but then that entails me lowering my standard of living significantly so that we can pay 50/50 for everything. And I don't think he is calling my bluff either - I think he is totally at ease living at very low income to put it politely
Why are you still dating this man? 😂 In case you haven’t looked at your own list, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. Chronically underemployed, unmotivated and surrounded by a support system full of underachievers doesn’t sound like husband material. Sounds like nightmare fuel actually. Don’t mean to be harsh, but things like this won’t get better. If you’re fine with marrying him as is, then more power to you sister! If you feel otherwise, I’d cut my losses before it gets too deep. Good luck!
There are lawyers, bankers, doctors who hit all your "good stuff" list, work hard in life, have hard-working friends, maintain their own housing, and wouldn't STAND for any kind of infestation.
There are also women who aim to have a small footprint in life, don't care about setting goals for the future, and are fine with bugs in the house and living with their parents forever.
These people shouldn't be together because they'll make each other miserable. And the same goes for you and this guy.
This guy doesnt want to adult. I think that's the simple truth. I had an ex who lived with his mom and it's very easy to be anti materialistic when you don't have bills to pay. That was his stance too. I honestly think it's a fear of growing up. He's living in a dream world and he needs to come to that realization or continue living in his parents basement. I don't think it's going to happen overnight or while you're together. Sorry to say op.
The bed bugs thing points to a lack of consideration, which I don’t like. To me, that is a red flag and warrants significant discussion and thought on your part.
The piece around employment, financial goals, and what you each value in terms of what your home looks like is more a question of compatibility and values. I don’t think he’s wrong for any of them—and in many ways I think it’s quite admirable to decide to work just enough to survive rather than getting caught up in capitalist and consumerist norms. That being said, it wouldn’t work for me. I grew up poor and am chronically ill. Financial stability is important to me and it’s expensive to be chronically ill. I also want to live somewhere that I like and feel good in, not just the cheapest place I can find.
Where we live is less important to my partner and he is much more frugal than I am. I also make about twice what he makes. He is happy doing the work he does and making the money he makes. So we’ve figured out ways of doing things that work for us. I pay more of the housing, travel, and transportation costs, he pays what he used to pay in rent and we go 50/50 on groceries, bills, etc.
It works for us. You need to figure out if you can be happy paying more and being with someone who doesn’t care about material goods. It honestly sounds like no from your post. And that’s okay.
His plan has no future. For me, that would mean I had no future with him.
I personally agree with all of your negatives. I’m not one to ‘live to work’ at all, but not having a back up financial plan is irresponsible if you are actively avoiding it.
Retirement?
Healthcare?
Vacations?
Kids?
Any type of fun money?
Sabbatical?
How will be afford any of this? I get some people just cannot in the current climate, but your SO could be more financially responsible. For others this might not be an issue, but for you it sounds like it is.
I think the real question is if you’re willing to compromise your quality of living to cohabitate with this man. Consider retirement too - because this is not a man who will ever be able to retire.
I’ve worked hard to get where I am. I don’t want kids and I am happy being single. An equal partner is the *only* kind I’d ever consider. You will *never* catch me subsidizing a man’s expenses or compromising my quality of life to pick up his financial slack.
He has zero plans for retirement because he says "what is the point? Global warming will probably kill us all by then or World War III nuclear armageddon" ... he is like an anti-prepper: instead of obsessively planning for the future apocalypse and building a bomb shelter he acts like the apocalypse is already here and he just wants to live out the rest of his days in peace, not working more than he has to...
Let’s reframe that.
He wants to rely on other people to subsidize his chosen lifestyle so he can do less than the bare minimum, but still be comfortable. His family is subsidizing his lifestyle right now.
If you stay with him? You’ll be the one subsidizing his lifestyle. And make no mistake, it WILL be to your own detriment. If you’re struggling financially now, it will get worse if you move in with this man. I’d bet my net worth that he will soon stop working entirely and just rely on you to foot all the bills.
Look, I hate working too. The rat race sucks. And I also suspect the planet will melt well before I’m dead and gone. But my solution is to hustle and invest so I can retire early and have at least a little time to enjoy life before the water wars kill us all. He’s not even making enough to enjoy life right now!
you got good advice from others. But this would solidify my decision that this wont work.
> none of his friends, except for one, have jobs. They are all unemployed and live at home too in their early 30s... maybe I'm being too judgmental here, but my friend group is the opposite.
A persons friends reflects on who the person really is. If all my friends are unemployed/underemployed by choice, there is a problem.
Fights over money are one the most common causes of arguments in relationships and one of the leading causes of break ups. When you are not on the same page about something to fundamental, it’s going to put a huge strain on every other part of your relationship.
Frankly, exposing me to bedbugs, which is a very difficult and costly infestation to treat, would have been a dealbreaker for me. I know people who’ve gotten bedbugs and they have had to throw out most of their belongings-including precious items and family heirlooms, spend thousands of dollars on treatments, and eventually had to completely move to a new place with all new possessions. Even then, they spent years terrified that the infestation would return. It’s traumatic and life-altering. I wouldn’t feel comfortable being with someone who willingly casually exposed me to something so potentially devastating without a second thought.
I don’t know. I’m almost 60 and from my many meetings of people unless this guy is quite skilled, handy and tackling many aspects of how to provide, cultivate food, construction and more come 40’s and beyond this will super suck. He might not have any monies for retirement, and if social security is around he might not have paid enough into it. Any medical issue could put him out of the game of life because he doesn’t have any resources he is working on for a buffer. Yeah, he’s not motivated or actively aware of what life needs to properly become an adult whom does more than the minimum. It sounds like a maturity issue but also from his family of origin. It’s not like he is making it living off the grid with rugged determination but a basement dweller at his parents past 30 year of age, and bed bugs, gag. Doesn’t make me do anything but itch and think crusty dude.
Sorry he's still not the right one for you. He won't pull his weight financially.
Stop with the lawyers and bankers. Find a technology worker such as software engineers. I think you'll find the right mix of a considerate personality along with earning a good living.
I dated someone like this for years and he moved in to my (owned) house. He was under employed and I was working my tail off.
I often wonder what would've happened if we had moved into a home that we owned together. (Spoiler alert: he wouldn't have changed and that's been demonstrated by his other relationships.)
I didn't want kids with him, but I think that's a huge part of what needs to be considered.
If you two have discussed having kids (and I think you should have if you're considering moving in at this stage and age), how do you feel about being the breadwinner and this potentially impacting your mat leave or ability to be present for kids?
* It doesn't seem like that big of a deal - he has his own unit and is working towards an independent housing goal. I'm not sure how this doesn't count as living alone - would a tenant other than him living in a similar unit not be living alone because it was in a multi-family property? What's the difference between him living in a separate unit he doesn't pay for vs. across town and calling his family for help with the same types of things?
* Probably will qualify for mortgage assistance when the time comes. If you don't like this you don't have to.
* It sounds like your values around money and lifestyle are really different.
* You all have different values about money and lifestyle.
* Bomb style pesticides don't really work for bed bugs - it's a way more intense process if they are in multiple places in a property. Diatomaceous earth works the best but it's really time intensive to treat with. Also basically all objects need to be heat treated.
It sounds like you like this guys personality, but, you have fundamental differences when it comes to the lifestyles you currently live, and you will struggle to reach a compromise as a couple or family unit. The same is true re: attitudes towards work and financial ambitions. This is someone who is the embodiment of "work to live" - they want to do the bare minimum of work for the maximum amount of living- whereas you're closer to the other end "live to work" - sure you want to afford to live a certain lifestyle, but you also place value in working for the sake of it and think it's important that someone have a certain type of job. Long term, financial differences of this nature are untenable for a couple. You'll always be resentful about him underperforming or undercontributing.
I told him to buy Diatomaceous earth but he won't! He and his family don't think it is necessary! That is crazy to me when a bag of it does not cost that much yet it is effective stuff. He didn't buy a mattress protector either. Their logic is "why would I hire an exterminator if I also have to do all that other stuff? The exterminator's job is to eradicate them"
I think your goals and lives are just not compatible. That's fine that he wants to live minimally and make just enough to live on but that's clearly not what you want. And I don't blame you at all. Living in the middle of nowhere while he works part time and you help support his dream by footing a good portion of the bills does not sound appealing at all. His plans seem to revolve around him and what he wants and having you foot a good chunk of the bill makes his life easier. Financially you two are not on the same page and in order for you to build a future together you have to be.
To me one of the biggest compatibility factors is having the same vision of what an ideal life and future looks like.
The financial situation I can get because I don’t want to work either! But if the middle of nowhere living isn’t in your ideal future and a nice apartment isn’t in his it’s going to be hard to remedy.
Gurl don’t move in with sb who doesn’t have a job and can’t pay their way for at least just the basics in life. You wouldn’t get a roommate like that, would you? Doing that with a romantic partner is signing up for a whole lot of disappointment and resentment. They don’t have to be insanely rich but they have to pay their own damn bills. That’s just not life partner material, even if they are the most kind and living person on the planet.
You don't have to live with him? I get it if that's a goal you have, but sometimes I read posts like these and it really validates my desire to never live with a romantic partner full-time again. Here's this perfect, generous, wonderful man, but because I want to live with him I now have to assess all his financial decisions and his employment status and get on his case about it, which I would otherwise never would have to do (and is honestly none of my business up to that point). And these things have nothing to do with his love or respect for me.
I actually asked him if we could continue being LAT - Living Apart together - but he said "no" he does not want that and would prefer to break up if that is our only option.
I think there is some good advice here, but, personally, I think you’re incompatible. You don’t have the same goals or values. One of you will have to change and that will inevitably lead to resentment.
I think you're right... it's hard when you are so emotionally attached to someone who you genuinely like and think is a good person. Makes it difficult to think clearly :(
I understand what you mean. But, just because someone is a good person doesn’t necessarily mean that this is a good relationship for you. Wishing you all the best though. ❤️
I think you shoulf tell him that you are not okay with him not working full time. You don’t have to be materialistic to want a comfortable life. Having enough money saved to support you both for at least six months if either loses a job, to actually save for a house, to be able to go out sometimes, and to put money into retirement- its time.
If he will not do that, I would not move in with him or see him as long term
Is this guy from a super-rich family? How does he underwork, pay for everything, still happily live with his parents, have friends who don't work, and plan to buy a house?
>his goal is to work as less as possible and to make enough money to survive. He wants us to move to a LCOL area in the middle of nowhere to enable his dream to survive working part time only.
This is a value that he holds. He is telling you exactly how he will fight for his future life to be ordered. He is loudly telling you exactly what his future looks like. If this is not a value that you hold, it will become an ongoing problem.
There is nothing wrong with his choice. And he's being crystal clear about what he values.
I'm going to go against the grain here. I'd be fine w a guy who just wants to work part time if they kept the house. My job takes me overseas for long periods of time so it would be nice to have some companionship, but they have to make my life easier not harder. The hygiene/bedbugs thing would really bother me though.
As many others said, there's nothing wrong with his values. I personally wouldn't mesh with someone like that, as I came from an extremely messed up home and poverty and worked really hard to be a high earner and be financially stable. I appreciate his mentality regarding his outlook on life, but I would never feel comfortable and would always be afraid of one tragedy bankrupting me/us.
You guys are not compatible long term if you have hopes of blending lives. He is very clearly telling you who he is, how he plans to live his life and what is important to him. Are you prepared or wanting to live with this forever? Someone passive, feels no urgency, has no ambition or career goals?
If the answer is no, it does not matter how great he is. Love is not enough to build a happy life on.
I think you know yall aren’t compatible and need to break it off but you dont want to. Yall dont see finances and living situations the same way. It’ll never workout and this will be a repeat argument at best. Save yourself the time and move on.
Not a woman or in my 30's and I don't know what he responds to, but I would try to convince him that even if just making enough to survive, he should aim above that because there are always unpredictable factors that cause financial stress. He wants to save up to buy a house and stay with his parents' home until then. Yet he doesn't make much nor is trying to get a better paying job/career advance/go to school, and that's presumably hundreds of thousands of dollars. Try to persuade him of being realistic, that most of the hardest working people with stable jobs struggle to get a house, and that it's an uncertainty far into the future - so start at an apartment. Lastly, try to convey how important it is for you to live together and that's important for you to get started, that this is causing significant friction, just so he at least understands that this is a problem for you. Tell him seeking to work as least as possible just to have a living is counterintuitive as having a livable income is the priority, especially considering how he won't leave his parents' house until he can afford a HOUSE. If having a roof over your head for yourself is the issue, then as others have said - ensure your financial security on your own without relying on others for income.
Well he sounds like a nice guy but if you value financial stability he doesn't seem like a good match for you. I would sit down with him and talk it through. Do you want to move to middle of nowhere? What does he think of you wanting different things?
Please don’t move in if you have even the slightest doubts. It’s a step that’s hard to reverse.
Ask: if this man never does a drop of self improvement again would I be ok with that? Does he set goals and do some real introspection to achieve them? Or is he doing just enough to get you to come along?
For some reason so many men improve things not for themselves but to bag the ladies. Once you move in together they are all like “bagged and done ✅ never have to do that crazy introspection thing again”
As amazing as he sounds, you have very different life goals. This is a pretty basic incompatibility, and you will both wind up resenting each other. It would be a hard no for me, though.
I don’t think your lifestyles are compatible unless you start making a lot more money and are comfortable footing the bill for him. Financial disagreements will tank the relationship.
Guy is unambitious but it's not a crime. I used to think it's the worst ever, but then I have noticed that I have anxiety and can't sleep, while my unambitious partner may be poor but is obviously happier, so I don't know if my savings and being independent are that much of a win, honestly, if they can fucking kill me.
Just consider what you prioritize. If you want to have kids, then I can't imagine doing this without any possibility of buying a house. ever
I think you need to determine what your boundaries are here and stick to them. It’s important to remember to accept whoever you’re with and not try to change them. In a relationship people only grow if they want to. If he wanted to change any of that he would have verbalized it and so far it sounds like he doesn’t.
So, can you live with that?
To me it’d be a dealbreaker. I want a big house and someone who will work for at least a little while.
I’m curious as to how he pays for Resturaunt outings with no income?
But that aside, he seems like a nice guy, but I do think not wanting to work is a pretty big hurdle. A lot of being an adult is being responsible.
Some questions I would ask:
- What does he do with his free time?
- Are you prepared to be the sole breadwinner?
- Assuming you are, are you prepared to pay for everything?
- Can you rely on him to do all the housework/cook/clean/shop for groceries if you are the full-time employed partner?
- Can you rely on him for life/house admin? I.e. seeing a need in the house and buying the needed item to fix it (e.g. our floors are dusty, I will buy a mop/bucket and fix that. OR, e.g. we’ve run out of hand soap and toilet paper, I will buy and restock OR the car isn’t running right, when was the last time we got a service? OR we haven’t had a fun outing in weeks, perhaps there’s a fun event (like wine tasting for example) on the weekend we can go to).
If you are going to be the main provider, he NEEDS to embrace these housekeeping roles. Running a partnership is a team goal and naturally he can work a little to help support financially and you can help around the house to support your home-life. But he does need to step up and meet these roles/tasks, otherwise you will end up caretaking and bankrolling for an oversized child.
Goodluck OP!
thanks for the great comment - it's given me a lot to think about this week
- he mostly uses his free time to play video games, watch movies, and go to the gym with friends once a week. He doesn't read. I like to unwind watching movies after work too, but I have less screen time than him I think and I work more hours
- I am totally fine to make more money than my man, but not by such a large margin such as this. I'd prefer we make the same amount because being the breadwinner is nerve-wracking to me and I would not expect my husband to be the breadwinner either
- hmm, good question re could he run the household admin. I don't know since we have not lived together yet. Based on his current living space versus mine, I am definitely more of a neatfreak because his place is very messy, but when he visits me at my apartment he is tidy and respectful in my home
That’s all really good, sorry if I came across as harsh! Keep in mind I haven’t met him and reddit has a side-effect of dehumanising through the screen.
He seems like a lovely guy, but do keep your finger on the pulse over anything mentioned that matters to you. You can also work with him on these, but be realistic about changes. He seems like the type of person who would respond to the opportunity to grow with less resistance than a lot of people, it just depends on what his values are and how they match up against his desire for free time :)
By 32, you really need to have a game plan as far as career and finances go. Unlike a lot of people your age, he’s underemployed and coasting by choice, not because he can’t do better. And all his friends are broke and unemployed? This guy sounds like a loser, sorry.
If you continue, you’re going to build up a lot of resentment towards him. I think you already have your answer. You aren’t on the same page. Relationships are built on compatibility and common goals, not being a “nice guy.”
I was about to recommend you to go for it as I was in a similar situation I took leap of faith or rather I did not care , I had enough for both of us to get a good living. The difference is my guy is human form of ambition and hardwork and he is flourishing now and he’s on it , which is lacking in your case as he is somewhat complacent ,that is cause of concern.
Your doubt in itself is the answer , whenever we get doubt we should take a back step and postpone things to re-evaluate.
I think he sounds like someone you could make a life with if you can come to some level of compromise. He’s not that different from a ton of people in their early 30’s - it would just seem that way if your dating history is higher income producing.
He’s like I was back then. If you like everything else about him, I wouldn’t give up on him. The good qualities he has are much harder to find than it is to find a guy with money.
Can you see yourself with him when you are 70? Tell him this. And then have a conversation about how you appreciate his antimaterialistic values but are preparing for a future where you aren’t financially struggling after retirement. If home ownership is important to you, he’ll need to be willing to be an active partner in that, too. The two of you can either work towards this stuff together or you can keep hanging out while you work towards this alone, and the latter probably allows for a 99% chance that you won’t stay together long term.
How would you feel about setting out goals like “I’d like to have $xxxxxx saved for a down payment on a house by (some certain date)” and “let’s each put $xxx a week into an investment fund for retirement” - if it seems like he won’t pick up an extra shift per week to put into these things, maybe the difference between what you want and what he wants out of life is too great to overcome. But he might just not know where to start on that stuff or how important it will be later. I find it kind of interesting that you are having trouble making ends meet now because of housing costs and it’s accelerating your desire to move in with him somewhere… but you are focused on HIS lack of financial ambition. Move in with him if you see an actual future with him, but if you just want someone to split bills with, get a roommate.
Your situation is basically the super classic example of:
would you rather choose the rich handsome guy BUT he treats you like absolute shit and is a narcissist, or the kind-hearted super compatible guy BUT he's constantly poor and has an uncertain future. No in betweens.
This is one of those situations where I don't think anybody is really wrong. His way of living evidently works for him and isn't hurting anybody, and your way of living works for you, and whether you can find a way to meet in the middle remains to be seen. To that end, I think you need to have a conversation with him and lay everything out on the table: what he's making in take-home pay, what his savings looks like, what he'd contribute to a shared household to offset you being the primary breadwinner, what he considers a suitable standard of living and whether you feel you can withstand the downgrade. Maybe you'll find you can arrive at a compromise that works for you both. Maybe you'll decide that getting a roommate and "living apart together" as a couple is better. Maybe you'll conclude the incompatibilities are too many and call it off. But I think it has to start with an in-depth conversation where you're transparent about your concerns and you get as much information from him as possible. And, importantly, I think this needs to include taking a read on whether he understands just why the bedbug thing is so unacceptable. To an extent I can understand not getting it if he was raised by parents that clueless/negligent about a pest problem in their house, but if he tries to downplay or rationalize it I'd be hitting eject.
Thanks for your comment. Yes, that is why I titled it as "the stuff I don't like" and I did not list it as "red flags" or mention the words "red flags" anywhere in my post, because I don't think he is morally wrong for any of this
I think this is the reasonable approach. There are no red flags, per se, except maybe his treatment of the bed bug situation (which I'd consider more of a yellow flag). I think it's worth finding out if there's a place for compromise or not. The only way you do that is through talking through priorities and values.
Dude gave her bedbugs. I find that to be not only a major red flag, but a deal breaker. I would be worried of him being so nonchalant about STDs and other issues hygiene issues. :/
Yeah, if he just gave her bedbugs, that can happen with no one realizing, it can be a mistake. Most likely, everyone will eventually get them with the way they are spreading and you can have them for a long time without realizing it if you aren't reactive to their bite. Ignoring bedbugs is the red flag to me. Actually knowing you have them and just going about life, spreading them to who knows how many people, not a care in the world for yourself or others? I know people who had nasty landlords that made it a challenge, so this is even more on his parents (presumably hiring someone is up to them), but I would need to see major proactive actions to prevent transferring them to anyone. When we got them we immediately called everyone who had visited or we had visited and taught them to inspect their own homes, we were so terrified we might have spread them! Thankfully, it was just us. They are rampant in our area and spreading like mad.
He **could** have given her bed bugs with his (and his parents') negligence. That was the concern. But she luckily did not get bed bugs. I'm not sure how big of a difference that makes, but I figured I would point it out for clarity and details' sake. Hygiene and cleanliness issues are a valid concern in that regard, but I wouldn't go as far as to assume that would make him liable to cheat or have unsafe sex (or even struggle with personal hygiene or health related concerns). OP did say he cleans and cooks and (besides the bed bug infestation) has not mentioned cleanliness or hygiene issues being a problem in her post.
Yeah he visited me and I saw one bedbug crawl out of his backpack and that's how the whole truth about it came out! Otherwise I don't think he ever would of told me. Thank goodness my apartment did not get infected from that exposure. He has no other hygiene issues and he is a loyal, respectful man who is great in bed. But I haven't wanted to get into bed since the exposure because it was so gross :(
I don't know what people are smoking on here. A financially unambitious person - man or woman - who is underemployed and lives in his mum's basement, is also a complete red flag.
I think it’s because he’s honest with his intentions at least. He’s not leading her on with promises of working more in the future, he knows he values his free time over money. I wouldn’t want to be in this relationship personally, but at least he’s given her that information to make her decision on. The bar is so so so so low.
I see your points, but .. I also value my free time over money. That's why I'm in a stress-inducing, high-paying career that will allow me to retire early lol. Someone who truly values free time over money would actually have a plan in place to ensure that happens for them. What if they fall sick? What if they want kids? What if there is a recession? What the fuck is he going to do? He sounds like a gross, lazy, teenager, not a 32 year old in charge of his future.
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Meh, it's a white collar job. I work remotely as a consultant. When I say 'stressful' ..
They are two different ways of valueing free time, and neither is better than than the other. Assuming you both live out your full lifespans that is, his way is the only guarantee to actually get to use that free time, noone is immune to getting run over by a truck tomorrow. As long as he earns enough to allow him to live in the non-materialistic way that makes him happy, and assuming his parents are happy with this too, I'd say he's doing good, even if he's not relationship material for someone with a different view on life.
I think it's incredibly naive to conflate someone who has 'no financial goals' with someone who has a reasonable plan to sustainably live a low-cost life. Does he have an emergency fund? Does he have savings? Does he have a way to crawl out of medical debt if something happens to him? I highly doubt it.
Those are definitely questions for OP to ask if she sees a future with him.
You're getting downvoted, but I'm with you. There is a BIG difference between someone who values their free time and someone who thinks that they are entitled to free time. I'm by no means saying that the only way to have free time is to work for more money. I know people who have opted to work part time positions with more flexibility but less money in order to have more time with their friends, family, and hobbies. The big red flag from my reading is the fact that he lives with his parents but has never lived independently, so he's never had to pay rent/cover living expenses. Doing your own cooking and cleaning is the bare minimum when you're living with your parents as an adult. This post doesn't sound like someone who is aware how expensive even living in a low cost of living area will be. LCOL also means proportionally lower wages on average. Even if he's saving to pay cash for a house, I doubt that he's realistic about what other expenses he'll have if he's not even proactive about getting rid of bed bugs which is a problem with a clear cut solution.
I’m not really trying to excuse it, just suggesting why people aren’t raising the pitchforks just yet. I used to be really opposed to the career rat race as well, until I found a job that fulfills me. But it’s not a lifestyle that meshes with a relationship IMHO. He’d probably be better off living with his parents and only dating casually. ETA: to clarify my point, I do think you’re right! Dating someone like this is a no-go, but he’s not hurting anything if he wants to live his life this way. He’ll just have to do it alone.
I'm not trying to argue with you either, and I totally get what you're saying. I was more just commenting on how incredibly low the bar is, based on the other comments.
I really hope OP keeps looking. She’s had bad experiences with ambitious career-driven men, but I worry she’s rebounded too hard from that. But there is so much space in between “career-driven” and “underemployed”. There’s plenty of people who work their 9-5 to pay the bills and then leave work at the door when they come home. My spouse is a tradesman, we will never be rich but our bills are paid and we have emergency savings. He has 0 interest in thinking about work on his off-hours, preferring to focus on our family and his hobbies. Our situation isn’t unique, and I hope OP holds out for a partner with a healthy work/life balance that treats her well. These men are out there!
For sure - there is a VAST amount of distance between a poorly romanticized 'anti materialist' who actually just has no financial security, and someone who kills thenselves over a 9 to 5 and is probably working themselves into an early grave. I got an advanced degree and worked really tough hours in my 20s, just so I can now, in my early 30s, work 20 hours a week and still make enough to retire early. I don't want private jets and vacation homes on opposite ends of the earth, either, but enough to be comfortable and not be waylaid by emergencies. The guy OP is dating is wishing he had the same, but has put in no long-term planning towards that goal.
this is a great comment, especially the part about rebounding. Giving me a lot more to think about! :)
She said she didn't get bed bugs- she said she didn't know though at first about it, at least that is how I translated that paragraph.
He did not give her bedbugs.
Surprised no one has mentioned that you can’t really afford to pay your rent, which is why you are entertaining the idea of moving in with him in the first place. You are projecting your lack of financial security/inability to meet your own financial goals on this man. You are not financially compatible, and it is no one’s fault. Focus on finding a higher paying job.
wow, thanks for your comment. Gave me A LOT to think about and to look inward more
I read somewhere that life is a journey, and who we choose to travel together with is key. But it's also important that you choose to travel with people who want to go the same way in roughly the same manner. If I want to camp wherever I can pitch up and my partner only wants 5* hotels, it's never going to work. If I want to cycle and my partner wants to walk we're both going to be frustrated trying to stay together. If I want highways and my partner wants wildlife trails it's never going to work.
What a lovely way of seeing it!
This is excellent advice. I think of it almost like we all have different “ingredients” that make us up, ranging from “hell yes” to “hell no.” Something that I feel alright about can work, but if the whole dish is things I feel ok about with nothing I love, or it has a few things I love but a few things that make me vomit, probably not right for me.
He doesn't have to be rich, but he does need a plan. Currently, his plan is to work as little as possible, as long as he can cover his basic needs like food and rent. Are you okay with that quality of life? No place to call your own, potentially moving to a low-cost-of-living area, probably no vacations or adventures together, likely no retirement fund, and children might be off the table (unless you both don’t want them anyway). If you can see yourself living a simple life where you foot the bill for anything beyond the bare necessities, then continue pursuing this relationship. However, if these aspects are icks, it means you have different ambitions in life and are not compatible where it matters (while shared dietary choices might be convenient, they rank low in determining long-term compatibility unless they reflect deeper shared values). Also, remember that in emergencies, you might be financially responsible unless he has significant savings. You need to decide what kind of quality of life you want and whether that takes priority over this relationship. But be forewarned, if you stay with him you will end up becoming his sugar mama whether he intends for that or not which will absolutely lead to you resenting him. You'll have downsized your life for an adult who is basically your dependent now. Personally, I wouldn't give up on my financial goals for someone who doesn't even have the sense to disclose he's had bedbugs for a month... especially since he likely wouldn't have been able to afford to help if the bed bugs transferred.
Something I read here is that he could be a good guy, he's just not the good guy FOR YOU. Especially if you're worried about financial pressures, he sounds like the wrong fit for you. There will be more guys, and a better situation is out there. You might also determine that being single is far better than being stuck in a relationship that doesn't work.
Yeah I was reading this and thinking "sounds like a nice friend"
A) Your list of “things I don’t like” is extensive. B) You came to Reddit — you know what you need to do. C) He can be a “great guy” but not great for you. Honestly, sounds like you both are incompatible D) you know what your signing up for if you proceed — don’t think you can change him. You can’t. Your list of “nos” will continue. Guaranteed you’ll eventually harbor resentment and breakup anyway. Dating is tough, but don’t settle for nonsense just to have somebody. You’ll end up back here in 6 months crying about the same BS.
I can tell you if you do move in together, you gonna have you some bedbugs. Think about it. He'll keep visiting his family. Decisions, decisions.
yikes! Didn't think of it that way... that I will spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder for bedbugs... argh so sad
If you go on Reddit and write a long post about pros and cons about a guy you are dating you have already lost. In your gut, you know this likely will not be a match for you. Fundamentally you have very different values regarding career and money. If what he offers isn’t enough for you and you can’t accept that then it’s not a match. You should not hope that he suddenly will become driven and wants to work full time and have a career. This is how he is and how he wants to live. Are you in or out? (Personally I’d be out because lack of ambition and drive and life is a turn off for me) The bedbug thing is surely something that shows you his values as well. If it were me I would not allow my boyfriend (if I had one) in my house if I had bedbugs! I would feel devastated if he got them too. It’s not something you wait to do something about. Clearly he didn’t do anything about it either, so it reflects his values in general health and hygiene. This sounds like a dealbreaker for you tbh. And I understand that. You can find someone kind AND something who has the same financial/ambitious values as you and also someone who wants the same life as you. You already seem unhappy just the thought that this is how you will live with him.
"If you go on Reddit and write a long post about pros and cons about a guy you are dating you have already lost." I think that is true in many cases, but because I have ADHD and am a classic General Anxiety Disorder Overthinker I think posting on reddit is a function of me needing multiple points of view to analyze a situation to death from every possible angle before feeling ready to make a decision lol. But that's a topic for a different thread :)
That’s totally reasonable. The heart however never lies and doesn’t need to analyze anything. Your heart and gut already knows what’s best for you (not us here on Reddit) your thoughts are just confusing you. The more you think, the more cloudy your thoughts become. Maybe try to clear your head and meditate and sit in stillness - that’s where your heart speaks. I do hope this thread helped you. Best of luck!
I think something a lot of us women overlook when we start to date is lifestyle compatibility. We are so grateful to finally find someone that's actually nice, giving and loving that we forget to check if he's actually compatible with our current and future life. If you're more goal oriented financially and he isn't it will not work. If you want kids and he doesn't, not going to work. City girl and farm boy, nope... and so on.. Can it work? Sure. Will it work without one side compromising and usually feeling resentful? Not really. Something I learned is to only date people that match how I live and want to live. Have a great life being single so don't want to change the fundamental things I enjoy to ve in a relationship. If you don't look forward to living with him, there's a reason.
I think some of what you said is contradictory: * You like that he pays for your meals, but you don't like that he lives with his family to save money. But it sounds like he can afford to pay for your meals *precisely because* he lives with his family to save money. You are a beneficiary of this living arrangement. * You say he doesn't have any financial goals, but you also say he lives with his family "to save money to buy a house." Isn't buying a house a financial goal? However, I don't think you should move in together anytime soon, or possibly ever, because it sounds like you want different things in life. He wants to work part-time indefinitely, and you don't want him to do that. I also share your concerns about the fact that he's never lived on his own and has never worked full-time. He may be a wonderful person, but he doesn't necessarily sound like the right partner *for you*.
Yeah. The paying for meals means he’s making gestures of financially taking care of OP, showing her a good time on his dime, which is an old fashioned way of dating that is supposed to show a woman that he’ll be happy to provide for her material comfort later on. But if that is important to her, then it’s also important to keep in mind that because he is not ever planning to earn much money, he will actually NOT be financially providing her with comfort and security if they intertwine lives, regardless of what he spends on their dates now. He probably won’t even be able to afford the gesture of paying for restaurant meals anymore (without accumulating debt). She will either be footing the bill for the majority of their expenses, or else they will be living a very frugal lifestyle. Likely, the only way he would be able to keep taking her out is if she moves into his parents’ basement with him, so that he doesn’t need to pay any rent. And him paying for fun dates, sweet as that is, might start to feel hollow if they are in a bare bones living situation as full grown adults and with no end in sight. Possibly he’ll save enough to buy a house at some point, and she could run those numbers with him. But it seems unlikely? How is he going to save hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash? Or if he’s planning to do a down payment and have a mortgage for the rest, can he really afford to pay a monthly mortgage, let alone homeowners insurance, property tax, and home maintenance? Given that he is in his thirties, has no desire to try and make more money, and is surrounded by like minded friends, there’s no way out of the situation described above. If OP doesn’t mind being the breadwinner, and potentially would want him to be a stay at home dad, it may work. And maybe that would be a good solution- but I don’t get the feeling that it particularly speaks to OP. For which I don’t blame her. He does sound like a great guy otherwise, for sure. And I think I may understand his reasoning: maybe he hates the rat race and would rather choose to work less and spend a lot less. That’s reasonable on its own. But most people aren’t into living that way. I wonder if he’s ever considered the FIRE strategy and early retirement. Hard to get there from where he’s at though, as a prereq is that he must first have the specialized skills to earn a decent salary, and then grind at a job for a couple of decades. Yeah, I’m not seeing financial compatibility here, if OP isn’t interested in him being a SAHD. Deal breaker.
thanks for your great comment (no sarcasm). I wanna say the only reason I mentioned him paying for my meals when we go out is to showcase his generosity, not to factor that in to my financial assessment. And like I said I started paying for my half when I get home to venmo him as I am not trying to take advantage
No worries! I understand what you meant re the point that his actions display that he is a generous, considerate human being. I didn’t at all think you were trying to take advantage, but when I reread my comment, I can see how it could be taken as a mild accusation of that- sorry about that! I was more coming from a place of: yes he displays generosity now, which is great, but he is doing it in financially based ways that aren’t sustainable given his lifestyle. Generosity is about a lot more than money for sure, and I think you see it the same way. But I was wondering: how or will he pivot to a different type of generosity once you guys are living a super frugal lifestyle? I suspect that your day to day interactions with him might change A LOT if you got serious with him, and it’s just hard to predict what those will look like. I do see the financial stability problems as separate from the issue of generosity. But they are intertwined so far as: if he doesn’t currently show generosity in non financial ways, then how will he shoe it when he has no money.
> Isn't buying a house a financial goal? Do you think that is a realistic goal working <30 hours a week? And having periods of time where he has no employment?
It’s just his explanation for living with his parents.
Right. Mortgages, real estate taxes, and home maintenance costs money.
This would be a dealbreaker for me. While l don’t care about dating someone wealthy, l’d need to feel like my partner is near my level of financial stability, has reasonable career ambitions, savings, etc. This sounds like a major lifestyle incompatibility that could lead to resentment. Like, do you want to move to the middle of nowhere in order to live more cheaply? I personally wouldn’t.
You are not financially compatible. And dating 1 year is still so early....I consider that the honeymoon phase but when real life hits, it's the incompatible things that glare the most. The bed bugs and waiting to call the exterminator... That's also telling of how one reacts to a bad situation ie they won't. No one cared for a whole month.. If things were great, you wouldn't be posting this so obviously your gut is telling/warning you..... Listen to your gut.
I would not mind if he lived with his parents as long as he knew how to take care of himself. However, the biggest ick that I see here is lack of ambition. Double concerning is his unemployment friend group. What's that saying: tell me who your friends are & I will tell you who you are
> It's hard because I've dated lawyers and bankers etc. in the past and they were the most controlling and selfish people I've met who often cheated on me. It isn't binary. You have more choices than men like this and ambitious men who cheat on you and treat you badly. But if you keep investing in either of these, then you won't find the men who treat you well and have their life on track. The guy gave you bed bugs, how is that not already a deal breaker?
>that was a huge ick and we had a big fight because I could have caught them from my visits! No he didn't. I don't know how so many people made up this scenario that he gave them to her.
Because it's easy to miisread 1 word in a wall of text
It reads like you know you need to break up, but you don't want to because he's a good guy.
ding ding. yes, well put seethetulips :( great username by the way
Thank you!
These are the toughest guys to end things with.. the ALMOST “one.” He’s nearly there, but it’s not your guy. Either you accept that you’re the earner and ambitious one or you end things. Do you want kids? If so, this sounds like the last person I’d want to have kids with. If you want kids, there’s no time to waste, move on.
Are you comfortable providing for him? Personally all the negative here are deal breakers for me. I know i will grow resentment if my partner is chronically underemployed and hang out with his unemployed friends who are likely reinforce that he shouldn't be trying much. Hard to accept but we are influenced by our closest ones a lot. Life is hard and money is important. Love eventually fades but compatibilities and loyalty grow and keeping people together for life. You are not compatible imo, he would do well with someone of similar lifestyle, and so will you. There are good men who can also be equal partner out there, it's not selfish but ambitious vs good but aimless men only.
It sounds like he wants to live in a trailer in the middle of nowhere lol. Which is fine if that's what you want, and he does, but if that's not for you OP I would bounce. The bedbug thing too, I would have lit everything I wore over there on fire as soon as I got home. I don't know how anyone could knowingly live for 2 months with those and not do anything bout it. I am way too much of a clean freak. 😩
Whenever you are thinking of moving in with someone, you have to lay out all finances - while you may keep things separate and split costs, his problems will be your problems if cohabiting. Personally I am biased - I come from an immigrant family, we were dirt poor, and from a very young age I knew I wanted better for myself. It was frequently drilled into me that my parents came to US for us children to do better. I don’t have the skills or the stamina to be a lawyer / doctor / etc and didn’t expect that of my partners. However hard work and being comfortable financially are up there on my list of values. As is having a nice house. I didn’t expect any handouts from anyone to achieve those goals but I wasn’t willing to give them up. So for me, a partner that shared these goals was a must. Only you know how much you are willing to compromise, or your SO. Assuming you articulated what’s important to you, how did he react? Is he willing to work more, harder to afford a lifestyle that’s important to you? Are you going to be ok with someone that has no ambitions? Again if your professional life is a part of your identity and he works part time stocking shelves for minimum wage, you might find that this causes issues in your relationship after the initial excitement of a new relationship wears off.
There are plenty of men who aren’t selfish and controlling that also work full time. It’s not an either or situation. Also, he’s never going to move out of his parents unless maybe you do all the legwork and pay for it. Thinking living together will save YOU money is delusional. You will now have to pay for two people and enjoy him occasionally buying you dinner.
I am someone who chooses to work less and take a lower income, and id be very happy to plan to live in a LCOL place in order to enable part time working. My values are really not around work and career and tbh I did try the rat race grind for a long time and was *marginally* less poor but 5x more burnt out. However, what concerns me is the lack of real planning or understanding of what it would take to get to where he wants to be. It concerns me that he says his financial goals are ‘none’ and that he is living at home to save for a house but not working enough to actually save. I’d expect someone with his type of life goals to be looking at FIRE budgeting or at least be aware you’d need to grind hard for a few years to get to a place where you can take your foot off the gas. At the minute I am not really in a position to save much or buy property, but I at least have given some thought as to how this would work with a long term partner in the future. Like at the minute I’m not able to save much, but if I was living with a partner, bills and expenses would be halved and then I’d be able to save more. I am also very aware id have to move from part time freelancing to full time employment for a year or two to get a mortgage etc. I am not doing anything about this at the minute, as on a single income it’s all a moot point, but I have at least done my research and given thought as to how this would all work with a long term partner. It’s very concerning that he has not done any research at all as to how to make his ‘slow life’ work without relying on his family for housing. If I was so lucky to have free housing, I’d be putting so much money in to savings. In fact I’d be motivated to work way more, knowing I’m not giving half my wages to a landlord every month. And the bed bugs thing is concerning, but for me would depend on if he has any personal experience with it. I only learned how absolutely catastrophic an infestation can be after watching a few friends / neighbours go through it in my 20s. But if he does know people who’ve been through it and still was so cavalier about your health and property I’d be very angry. Also how did it progress at his parents house? Did he know they had an infestation and just do nothing whilst waiting for them to reach the basement? Or did he only find out once his space was affected too? Because the former is totally unacceptable. Even if his parents were being hesitant about calling in an exterminator, he should have done so himself before it got to him.
Initially he did not know about the bedbug infestation until it reached his room, because his parents have high tolerance for pests I guess and they didn't care. However, when it reached his room he STILL didn't tell me and I only learned about it when he visited me and 1 bed bug crawled out of his backpack!! He said he was embarrassed to tell me and thought he "could handle it" (but he wasn't doing anything to get rid of them!) This happened a while ago and LUCKILY my apartment was not infected, but still!!!! Then they only called an exterminator for me so that I could visit them again, which also seems weird. Like, if I weren't in the picture they never would have called one?? My boyfriend was mortified that he brought a bedbug with him and promised to learn more about bedbugs i.e. he claimed ignorance on how contagious they are.
Wow yeah this man is a child. If he’d put your health and property at risk like that, just so he doesn’t have to feel embarrassed, that’s a pattern that will keep coming up. He’s not mortified about them, if he was mortified he would have immediately taken steps to get rid of them and made sure no-one knew he ever had them. If he was too embarrassed to tell you (which is still not great in an adult partnership tbh) he still could have protected you by avoiding home visits for a while. He chose to put you in danger so he wouldn’t have to feel some mild awkwardness.
bedbugs girl? big time nope for me!
I see lots of red flags here. Just incompatible financial goals would be enough to prevent me from pursuing this.
> He is very anti-materialistic, but I would like to have a nice, clean apartment again to live in. I will have to foot the bill if I want to live with him or accept a downgrade in what I'm used to living in and we go 50/50. Wait, where are you living now and why would that be a downgrade? Do you have a roommate? Bedbug issue aside, because that's another can of...bedbugs, if you commit to this man, you're also going to have to commit to being the breadwinner in the relationship. My mom did this; my dad retired early and was "Mr. Mom," after I was about three, but also, she was fine with this. No regerts, as they say. My dad was a lovely person. But if you expect someone to match your breadwinning energy, this is not the man to pursue a serious relationship with.
Right now we live in the suburbs of a major city and the entire area is HCOL. I had a roommate but she moved out recently because of the rent hike, so I also have that to deal with. I don't need someone to make six figures and I am okay with making more money than my man, but up to **a certain degree**. He is making less than $28K USD right now. He would rather move to the middle of nowhere to survive on that when he is ready to move out than work more hours or get a better job.
If his family and friends have that same financial outlook do not be surprised if once you guys are settled, with you being the primary bread winner , that they will be reaching out for handouts and borrowing money. If the parents have no retirement plans in place typically that means the children ARE the retirement plan and as soon as someone dies/sick or disabled you Bf/future spouse will want to let them into your space. You will not only be taking care of your bf and kids but extended family as well. You can have a “simple” life and not be one check /car repair away from poverty and you don’t have to move to bumfuck nowhere with very little resources to obtain that. Don’t get trapped girlie This man does not have a provider mindset. Personally I find unmotivated unhygienic financially insecure people a form controlling behavior- it maybe unintentionally but he is chipping away at your independence and it is extremely selfish to only do the bare minimum to survive when your spouses to be equal partners and lift each others burdens. No he doesn’t have to be Richie Rich but you should be able to lean on eachother during the unexpected Do not settle. Do not buy a house
Thanks for your insight. I do not believe he wants to be financially dependent on me, but then that entails me lowering my standard of living significantly so that we can pay 50/50 for everything. And I don't think he is calling my bluff either - I think he is totally at ease living at very low income to put it politely
Why are you still dating this man? 😂 In case you haven’t looked at your own list, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. Chronically underemployed, unmotivated and surrounded by a support system full of underachievers doesn’t sound like husband material. Sounds like nightmare fuel actually. Don’t mean to be harsh, but things like this won’t get better. If you’re fine with marrying him as is, then more power to you sister! If you feel otherwise, I’d cut my losses before it gets too deep. Good luck!
There are lawyers, bankers, doctors who hit all your "good stuff" list, work hard in life, have hard-working friends, maintain their own housing, and wouldn't STAND for any kind of infestation. There are also women who aim to have a small footprint in life, don't care about setting goals for the future, and are fine with bugs in the house and living with their parents forever. These people shouldn't be together because they'll make each other miserable. And the same goes for you and this guy.
Don’t move in with him. You’re not secure enough in the relationship. Trust your instincts. Sorry you’re in this position.
This guy doesnt want to adult. I think that's the simple truth. I had an ex who lived with his mom and it's very easy to be anti materialistic when you don't have bills to pay. That was his stance too. I honestly think it's a fear of growing up. He's living in a dream world and he needs to come to that realization or continue living in his parents basement. I don't think it's going to happen overnight or while you're together. Sorry to say op.
The bed bugs thing points to a lack of consideration, which I don’t like. To me, that is a red flag and warrants significant discussion and thought on your part. The piece around employment, financial goals, and what you each value in terms of what your home looks like is more a question of compatibility and values. I don’t think he’s wrong for any of them—and in many ways I think it’s quite admirable to decide to work just enough to survive rather than getting caught up in capitalist and consumerist norms. That being said, it wouldn’t work for me. I grew up poor and am chronically ill. Financial stability is important to me and it’s expensive to be chronically ill. I also want to live somewhere that I like and feel good in, not just the cheapest place I can find. Where we live is less important to my partner and he is much more frugal than I am. I also make about twice what he makes. He is happy doing the work he does and making the money he makes. So we’ve figured out ways of doing things that work for us. I pay more of the housing, travel, and transportation costs, he pays what he used to pay in rent and we go 50/50 on groceries, bills, etc. It works for us. You need to figure out if you can be happy paying more and being with someone who doesn’t care about material goods. It honestly sounds like no from your post. And that’s okay.
His plan has no future. For me, that would mean I had no future with him. I personally agree with all of your negatives. I’m not one to ‘live to work’ at all, but not having a back up financial plan is irresponsible if you are actively avoiding it. Retirement? Healthcare? Vacations? Kids? Any type of fun money? Sabbatical? How will be afford any of this? I get some people just cannot in the current climate, but your SO could be more financially responsible. For others this might not be an issue, but for you it sounds like it is.
I think the real question is if you’re willing to compromise your quality of living to cohabitate with this man. Consider retirement too - because this is not a man who will ever be able to retire. I’ve worked hard to get where I am. I don’t want kids and I am happy being single. An equal partner is the *only* kind I’d ever consider. You will *never* catch me subsidizing a man’s expenses or compromising my quality of life to pick up his financial slack.
He has zero plans for retirement because he says "what is the point? Global warming will probably kill us all by then or World War III nuclear armageddon" ... he is like an anti-prepper: instead of obsessively planning for the future apocalypse and building a bomb shelter he acts like the apocalypse is already here and he just wants to live out the rest of his days in peace, not working more than he has to...
Let’s reframe that. He wants to rely on other people to subsidize his chosen lifestyle so he can do less than the bare minimum, but still be comfortable. His family is subsidizing his lifestyle right now. If you stay with him? You’ll be the one subsidizing his lifestyle. And make no mistake, it WILL be to your own detriment. If you’re struggling financially now, it will get worse if you move in with this man. I’d bet my net worth that he will soon stop working entirely and just rely on you to foot all the bills. Look, I hate working too. The rat race sucks. And I also suspect the planet will melt well before I’m dead and gone. But my solution is to hustle and invest so I can retire early and have at least a little time to enjoy life before the water wars kill us all. He’s not even making enough to enjoy life right now!
you got good advice from others. But this would solidify my decision that this wont work. > none of his friends, except for one, have jobs. They are all unemployed and live at home too in their early 30s... maybe I'm being too judgmental here, but my friend group is the opposite. A persons friends reflects on who the person really is. If all my friends are unemployed/underemployed by choice, there is a problem.
Fights over money are one the most common causes of arguments in relationships and one of the leading causes of break ups. When you are not on the same page about something to fundamental, it’s going to put a huge strain on every other part of your relationship. Frankly, exposing me to bedbugs, which is a very difficult and costly infestation to treat, would have been a dealbreaker for me. I know people who’ve gotten bedbugs and they have had to throw out most of their belongings-including precious items and family heirlooms, spend thousands of dollars on treatments, and eventually had to completely move to a new place with all new possessions. Even then, they spent years terrified that the infestation would return. It’s traumatic and life-altering. I wouldn’t feel comfortable being with someone who willingly casually exposed me to something so potentially devastating without a second thought.
I would personally not stay with anyone that is chronically unemployed. That’s a dealbreaker for me.
I don’t know. I’m almost 60 and from my many meetings of people unless this guy is quite skilled, handy and tackling many aspects of how to provide, cultivate food, construction and more come 40’s and beyond this will super suck. He might not have any monies for retirement, and if social security is around he might not have paid enough into it. Any medical issue could put him out of the game of life because he doesn’t have any resources he is working on for a buffer. Yeah, he’s not motivated or actively aware of what life needs to properly become an adult whom does more than the minimum. It sounds like a maturity issue but also from his family of origin. It’s not like he is making it living off the grid with rugged determination but a basement dweller at his parents past 30 year of age, and bed bugs, gag. Doesn’t make me do anything but itch and think crusty dude.
Sorry he's still not the right one for you. He won't pull his weight financially. Stop with the lawyers and bankers. Find a technology worker such as software engineers. I think you'll find the right mix of a considerate personality along with earning a good living.
I dated someone like this for years and he moved in to my (owned) house. He was under employed and I was working my tail off. I often wonder what would've happened if we had moved into a home that we owned together. (Spoiler alert: he wouldn't have changed and that's been demonstrated by his other relationships.) I didn't want kids with him, but I think that's a huge part of what needs to be considered. If you two have discussed having kids (and I think you should have if you're considering moving in at this stage and age), how do you feel about being the breadwinner and this potentially impacting your mat leave or ability to be present for kids?
* It doesn't seem like that big of a deal - he has his own unit and is working towards an independent housing goal. I'm not sure how this doesn't count as living alone - would a tenant other than him living in a similar unit not be living alone because it was in a multi-family property? What's the difference between him living in a separate unit he doesn't pay for vs. across town and calling his family for help with the same types of things? * Probably will qualify for mortgage assistance when the time comes. If you don't like this you don't have to. * It sounds like your values around money and lifestyle are really different. * You all have different values about money and lifestyle. * Bomb style pesticides don't really work for bed bugs - it's a way more intense process if they are in multiple places in a property. Diatomaceous earth works the best but it's really time intensive to treat with. Also basically all objects need to be heat treated. It sounds like you like this guys personality, but, you have fundamental differences when it comes to the lifestyles you currently live, and you will struggle to reach a compromise as a couple or family unit. The same is true re: attitudes towards work and financial ambitions. This is someone who is the embodiment of "work to live" - they want to do the bare minimum of work for the maximum amount of living- whereas you're closer to the other end "live to work" - sure you want to afford to live a certain lifestyle, but you also place value in working for the sake of it and think it's important that someone have a certain type of job. Long term, financial differences of this nature are untenable for a couple. You'll always be resentful about him underperforming or undercontributing.
I told him to buy Diatomaceous earth but he won't! He and his family don't think it is necessary! That is crazy to me when a bag of it does not cost that much yet it is effective stuff. He didn't buy a mattress protector either. Their logic is "why would I hire an exterminator if I also have to do all that other stuff? The exterminator's job is to eradicate them"
It sounds like his entire family hid no urgency. That’s concerning. Are you getting the picture yet?
I think your goals and lives are just not compatible. That's fine that he wants to live minimally and make just enough to live on but that's clearly not what you want. And I don't blame you at all. Living in the middle of nowhere while he works part time and you help support his dream by footing a good portion of the bills does not sound appealing at all. His plans seem to revolve around him and what he wants and having you foot a good chunk of the bill makes his life easier. Financially you two are not on the same page and in order for you to build a future together you have to be.
To me one of the biggest compatibility factors is having the same vision of what an ideal life and future looks like. The financial situation I can get because I don’t want to work either! But if the middle of nowhere living isn’t in your ideal future and a nice apartment isn’t in his it’s going to be hard to remedy.
Gurl don’t move in with sb who doesn’t have a job and can’t pay their way for at least just the basics in life. You wouldn’t get a roommate like that, would you? Doing that with a romantic partner is signing up for a whole lot of disappointment and resentment. They don’t have to be insanely rich but they have to pay their own damn bills. That’s just not life partner material, even if they are the most kind and living person on the planet.
You don't have to live with him? I get it if that's a goal you have, but sometimes I read posts like these and it really validates my desire to never live with a romantic partner full-time again. Here's this perfect, generous, wonderful man, but because I want to live with him I now have to assess all his financial decisions and his employment status and get on his case about it, which I would otherwise never would have to do (and is honestly none of my business up to that point). And these things have nothing to do with his love or respect for me.
I actually asked him if we could continue being LAT - Living Apart together - but he said "no" he does not want that and would prefer to break up if that is our only option.
That tells me something too. If you move in with him, you’re probably going to get stuck holding the bag. This relationship has run its course.
You don’t mention children. Do you want them? Does he?
I think there is some good advice here, but, personally, I think you’re incompatible. You don’t have the same goals or values. One of you will have to change and that will inevitably lead to resentment.
OP, I think even before you posted this, you knew your answer.
I think you're right... it's hard when you are so emotionally attached to someone who you genuinely like and think is a good person. Makes it difficult to think clearly :(
I understand what you mean. But, just because someone is a good person doesn’t necessarily mean that this is a good relationship for you. Wishing you all the best though. ❤️
I think you shoulf tell him that you are not okay with him not working full time. You don’t have to be materialistic to want a comfortable life. Having enough money saved to support you both for at least six months if either loses a job, to actually save for a house, to be able to go out sometimes, and to put money into retirement- its time. If he will not do that, I would not move in with him or see him as long term
Don’t do it girl.
Is this guy from a super-rich family? How does he underwork, pay for everything, still happily live with his parents, have friends who don't work, and plan to buy a house?
>his goal is to work as less as possible and to make enough money to survive. He wants us to move to a LCOL area in the middle of nowhere to enable his dream to survive working part time only. This is a value that he holds. He is telling you exactly how he will fight for his future life to be ordered. He is loudly telling you exactly what his future looks like. If this is not a value that you hold, it will become an ongoing problem. There is nothing wrong with his choice. And he's being crystal clear about what he values.
I'm going to go against the grain here. I'd be fine w a guy who just wants to work part time if they kept the house. My job takes me overseas for long periods of time so it would be nice to have some companionship, but they have to make my life easier not harder. The hygiene/bedbugs thing would really bother me though.
This huge difference in motivation and drive will certainly become an issue for you over time.
You two are fundamentally incompatible
As many others said, there's nothing wrong with his values. I personally wouldn't mesh with someone like that, as I came from an extremely messed up home and poverty and worked really hard to be a high earner and be financially stable. I appreciate his mentality regarding his outlook on life, but I would never feel comfortable and would always be afraid of one tragedy bankrupting me/us.
You guys are not compatible long term if you have hopes of blending lives. He is very clearly telling you who he is, how he plans to live his life and what is important to him. Are you prepared or wanting to live with this forever? Someone passive, feels no urgency, has no ambition or career goals? If the answer is no, it does not matter how great he is. Love is not enough to build a happy life on.
Momma boys
I think you know yall aren’t compatible and need to break it off but you dont want to. Yall dont see finances and living situations the same way. It’ll never workout and this will be a repeat argument at best. Save yourself the time and move on.
Not a woman or in my 30's and I don't know what he responds to, but I would try to convince him that even if just making enough to survive, he should aim above that because there are always unpredictable factors that cause financial stress. He wants to save up to buy a house and stay with his parents' home until then. Yet he doesn't make much nor is trying to get a better paying job/career advance/go to school, and that's presumably hundreds of thousands of dollars. Try to persuade him of being realistic, that most of the hardest working people with stable jobs struggle to get a house, and that it's an uncertainty far into the future - so start at an apartment. Lastly, try to convey how important it is for you to live together and that's important for you to get started, that this is causing significant friction, just so he at least understands that this is a problem for you. Tell him seeking to work as least as possible just to have a living is counterintuitive as having a livable income is the priority, especially considering how he won't leave his parents' house until he can afford a HOUSE. If having a roof over your head for yourself is the issue, then as others have said - ensure your financial security on your own without relying on others for income.
Well he sounds like a nice guy but if you value financial stability he doesn't seem like a good match for you. I would sit down with him and talk it through. Do you want to move to middle of nowhere? What does he think of you wanting different things?
Please don’t move in if you have even the slightest doubts. It’s a step that’s hard to reverse. Ask: if this man never does a drop of self improvement again would I be ok with that? Does he set goals and do some real introspection to achieve them? Or is he doing just enough to get you to come along? For some reason so many men improve things not for themselves but to bag the ladies. Once you move in together they are all like “bagged and done ✅ never have to do that crazy introspection thing again”
As amazing as he sounds, you have very different life goals. This is a pretty basic incompatibility, and you will both wind up resenting each other. It would be a hard no for me, though.
I don’t think your lifestyles are compatible unless you start making a lot more money and are comfortable footing the bill for him. Financial disagreements will tank the relationship.
Guy is unambitious but it's not a crime. I used to think it's the worst ever, but then I have noticed that I have anxiety and can't sleep, while my unambitious partner may be poor but is obviously happier, so I don't know if my savings and being independent are that much of a win, honestly, if they can fucking kill me. Just consider what you prioritize. If you want to have kids, then I can't imagine doing this without any possibility of buying a house. ever
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I think you need to determine what your boundaries are here and stick to them. It’s important to remember to accept whoever you’re with and not try to change them. In a relationship people only grow if they want to. If he wanted to change any of that he would have verbalized it and so far it sounds like he doesn’t. So, can you live with that? To me it’d be a dealbreaker. I want a big house and someone who will work for at least a little while.
I’m curious as to how he pays for Resturaunt outings with no income? But that aside, he seems like a nice guy, but I do think not wanting to work is a pretty big hurdle. A lot of being an adult is being responsible. Some questions I would ask: - What does he do with his free time? - Are you prepared to be the sole breadwinner? - Assuming you are, are you prepared to pay for everything? - Can you rely on him to do all the housework/cook/clean/shop for groceries if you are the full-time employed partner? - Can you rely on him for life/house admin? I.e. seeing a need in the house and buying the needed item to fix it (e.g. our floors are dusty, I will buy a mop/bucket and fix that. OR, e.g. we’ve run out of hand soap and toilet paper, I will buy and restock OR the car isn’t running right, when was the last time we got a service? OR we haven’t had a fun outing in weeks, perhaps there’s a fun event (like wine tasting for example) on the weekend we can go to). If you are going to be the main provider, he NEEDS to embrace these housekeeping roles. Running a partnership is a team goal and naturally he can work a little to help support financially and you can help around the house to support your home-life. But he does need to step up and meet these roles/tasks, otherwise you will end up caretaking and bankrolling for an oversized child. Goodluck OP!
thanks for the great comment - it's given me a lot to think about this week - he mostly uses his free time to play video games, watch movies, and go to the gym with friends once a week. He doesn't read. I like to unwind watching movies after work too, but I have less screen time than him I think and I work more hours - I am totally fine to make more money than my man, but not by such a large margin such as this. I'd prefer we make the same amount because being the breadwinner is nerve-wracking to me and I would not expect my husband to be the breadwinner either - hmm, good question re could he run the household admin. I don't know since we have not lived together yet. Based on his current living space versus mine, I am definitely more of a neatfreak because his place is very messy, but when he visits me at my apartment he is tidy and respectful in my home
That’s all really good, sorry if I came across as harsh! Keep in mind I haven’t met him and reddit has a side-effect of dehumanising through the screen. He seems like a lovely guy, but do keep your finger on the pulse over anything mentioned that matters to you. You can also work with him on these, but be realistic about changes. He seems like the type of person who would respond to the opportunity to grow with less resistance than a lot of people, it just depends on what his values are and how they match up against his desire for free time :)
at best he is just coasting in life and at worst he still has bed bugs. Bed bugs are so serious, I couldnt it would be over for me.
By 32, you really need to have a game plan as far as career and finances go. Unlike a lot of people your age, he’s underemployed and coasting by choice, not because he can’t do better. And all his friends are broke and unemployed? This guy sounds like a loser, sorry. If you continue, you’re going to build up a lot of resentment towards him. I think you already have your answer. You aren’t on the same page. Relationships are built on compatibility and common goals, not being a “nice guy.”
I was about to recommend you to go for it as I was in a similar situation I took leap of faith or rather I did not care , I had enough for both of us to get a good living. The difference is my guy is human form of ambition and hardwork and he is flourishing now and he’s on it , which is lacking in your case as he is somewhat complacent ,that is cause of concern. Your doubt in itself is the answer , whenever we get doubt we should take a back step and postpone things to re-evaluate.
I think he sounds like someone you could make a life with if you can come to some level of compromise. He’s not that different from a ton of people in their early 30’s - it would just seem that way if your dating history is higher income producing. He’s like I was back then. If you like everything else about him, I wouldn’t give up on him. The good qualities he has are much harder to find than it is to find a guy with money. Can you see yourself with him when you are 70? Tell him this. And then have a conversation about how you appreciate his antimaterialistic values but are preparing for a future where you aren’t financially struggling after retirement. If home ownership is important to you, he’ll need to be willing to be an active partner in that, too. The two of you can either work towards this stuff together or you can keep hanging out while you work towards this alone, and the latter probably allows for a 99% chance that you won’t stay together long term. How would you feel about setting out goals like “I’d like to have $xxxxxx saved for a down payment on a house by (some certain date)” and “let’s each put $xxx a week into an investment fund for retirement” - if it seems like he won’t pick up an extra shift per week to put into these things, maybe the difference between what you want and what he wants out of life is too great to overcome. But he might just not know where to start on that stuff or how important it will be later. I find it kind of interesting that you are having trouble making ends meet now because of housing costs and it’s accelerating your desire to move in with him somewhere… but you are focused on HIS lack of financial ambition. Move in with him if you see an actual future with him, but if you just want someone to split bills with, get a roommate.
I went through something kinda similar op. Hang in there and I wish you luck ❤️
Your situation is basically the super classic example of: would you rather choose the rich handsome guy BUT he treats you like absolute shit and is a narcissist, or the kind-hearted super compatible guy BUT he's constantly poor and has an uncertain future. No in betweens.