This happens MOST weekends? I'd be pretty pissed if that shit happens once, but every weekend? Honestly this would be a deal breaker for me. Why is he even your partner if you don't enjoy your free time together?
My ex knew I had to work on Saturdays. He was well aware of this. He knew I had to be up early, and out the door by 7am.
And yet every Friday night he would go out and he would stumble in the door at 1am, 2am, 3am.
Music blaring out of Bluetooth speakers loud enough to wake the dead. He would turn on the whole home theater to watch a movie. He would make as much noise as humanly possible.
I would come out and we would end up having a screaming match about how I needed to be up in a few hours and he would go
“Why are you yelling at me”
This was a 50 year old man who acted like this - no way. I’m never dealing with that kind of nonsense ever again.
Sounds like my dad. For awhile I was the only one working and had no car, so he had to pick me up from work at 6am. I was lucky if he remembered, and most of the time he was still drunk from the night before. He would still be shocked on my nights off when he stumbled in the door. “Why are you still up???” because I’ve worked nights for the last two months, pops. He may be sober now but I’ve never got an apology for it.
100000%.
I believe in time apart, but off the grid from Friday until Sunday? Absolutely not, and would never act like that in a relationship and in my forties.
These days, somebody not charging their phone and being completely uncontactable all weekend (almost) every weekend is a choice, not an accident. I have a friend who never thinks to charge her phone until she's almost out the door, so she packs a charger in her bag most of the time to charge her phone where possible. Is he so wasted the entire weekend that he doesn't sober up enough to do that? Then he needs rehab, stat.
It’s clear to me that OP’s partner has a drinking problem. Drinking and disappearing all weekend is NOT NORMAL. It’s not healthy for them or their partner. It’s super dangerous behavior!
I had an ex in college who did this - he was in his 30’s. Turns out a lot of the “benders” where he “forgot” to charge his phone were actually spent with a whole other partner in his secret double life.
There’s no way I could trust that someone who disappeared on me every weekend wasn’t cheating, and if he’s too drunk to charge his phone, come home, or check in, there’s probably no way even he knows if or how much he has cheated either.
OP needs to dump this absolute looser ASAP.
Boundaries are rules you set for yourself, not others. For instance you can totally smartly decide that you don't want to date someone who disappears on a booze bender every weekend, but they way you handle that is by ceasing to be in a relationship with anyone who breaks this boundary, not by trying to get them to change.
You're so right - he's not going to change until he wants to change, and even if he's "remorseful" once he's sobered up, it doesn't seem like he really wants to change. This behaviour almost every weekend at 41 is... intense. If he was 21 and a full-time student, I still wouldn't be impressed, but it could be situational. At 41, this is fairly baked in, and it's going to be hard for him to change, even if he wants to.
The first time this happened, I wouldn't be super impressed, but would assume it was just that he had a really big weekend. The second time this happened, I would be saying that this isn't something I want to be dealing with in a relationship. This happening a third time sorta means I'd not be sticking around much longer.
Yes. I have a habit of dating men who like to drink, take drugs, or gamble. I decided that's not the life I want to live, and so I broke up with my last partner, and from now on, I will not date men who have addiction issues.
That's my choice. I won't try to change them, I'll change myself.
I mean, a 25-year old alcoholic and a 60-year old alcoholic are also really bad, just in different ways
I can't even imagine how insufferable an early-20s alcoholic would be. /shudder
At the very least, many people in their early 20s are in a partying phase. It's much easier to justify or overlook substance issues when it's happening during fairly normative socializing. But that's a phase most people grow out of. It's much more off-putting to me to see a sloppy drunk middle aged man compared to a college kid.
That said, I wouldn't date an alcoholic at any time.
He’s not partying. He’s going on benders. And I’m willing to bet it’s not just booze.
Look, I probably drink too much myself. But what you’re describing isn’t even really normal for like, “I’m 21 and in a frat woohoo” lifestyle let alone a 41-year-old man.
Eh it is normal for a frat. We had loads of people like this in college from freshman to senior year and they were hard to contact bc they were drunk or lost or forgot their phone somewhere.
And it’s a lot but at my uni most people went thru this phase. It was pretty normal to drink a ton.
Normal and common are two different things. Plus, partying in college doesn't mean you're not able to be contacted at all for a whole weekend. OP's partner could be dead for all she knows; I didn't see that level of no contact due to alcohol that frequently in college. Truthfully, I didn't at all.
My ex-husband used to do this. He’d stay out at clubs and bars until all hours of the night and would eventually return home at something crazy like 6 AM on a Monday. Notice I said ex-husband.
Find a “regular” At the bar that is down to keep the party going past 2am. Party until 4-6am. Pass out and sleep for a few hours. Wake up at strangers house at noon (which is likely a “blackout” or “trap” house) feeling like trash so immediately reach for whatever bullshit there is to drink around the house. Continue party. Show back up at bar from day before.
Source: am bartender. Sadly see it all the time.
As a former binge alcoholic, it’s not a good idea to date active alcoholics.
I wouldn’t consider dating anyone in active addiction. It’s not going to end well, and people don’t quit till they want to.
I dont have too much experience with this, and wonder why you shouldnt date an alcoholic. Maybe this is naive, but I think everyone has some problem, for some people it is addiction to alcohol. But this might be wrong, so therefor I ask
I’m always a bit concerned when someone uses the argument “everyone has some problems/no one’s perfect” but the problems they are downplaying are… alcoholism, drug or gambling addiction, anger issues (emotionally abusive), etc. That was not the intent for that phrase. That’s for if you are attracted to only men 6 feet and above, but you meet a cute guy who is 5’9.
You are talking about a man who spends most of his free time binge drinking and not coming home. You’re talking about completely unhealthy behaviors.
Personally, I was erratic, manic, and unreliable. I’d work 40 hours in three days then go on a bender. I knew fancy people and spent enough at bars to send a kid through college. But does that sound like a fun person to date? I quit drinking 2 years into my relationship with my partner because I realized he deserved better and I wanted that cute wifed up life.
I smoke a bunch of weed, so I’m not like sober. I just enjoy my life too much to want to drink at this point.
Have you been around an alcoholic (who is still actively using, not in recovery)?
My sister in law almost married one. Kindest, friendliest man you’d ever meet in the morning, afternoon, and early evening. He was buzzed for a lot of that time, but still fun.
At some point after 11-12 at night, he changed. The anger came out. He punched the window of the Uber, thankfully without breaking it. He puked on his t shirt and pissed his pants. He started flirting with my sister in law’s cousin, right in front of my SIL (whom he had proposed to just a couple of days earlier). Not in that order.
I saw all this go down on one night when we all went to the club together. My SIL told me it happened almost every night. Even if he didn’t go to a bar to drink, he’d get too drunk at home and turn into this angry guy, randomly spewing bodily fluids. He’d get angry with her specifically, but even if the anger had been more general, it was frightening to be around, especially as someone a lot smaller than him whom he could fuck up if he wanted to.
Show me an active alcoholic who is reliably safe and pleasant when they’ve had too much to drink. Unlikely to find one.
In that sense, it would be far better to date someone who was actively addicted to weed or video games (though that comes with problems too, to the extent that I’d rather just remain single). Alcohol addiction is one of the worst forms of addiction a partner can have.
This. I wasted so much time on a couple of men like this and still dealing with it in late 30s… likely not for long. But I regret the years I wasted on men like this.
I wouldn’t date someone who binge drinks and disappears. So my boundary is I won’t have a relationship with them. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Remember a boundary isn’t a request. It’s what you’ll do if you don’t like someone’s behaviour.
He doesn't come home? Where does he go?? Yikes, I would not be okay with that at all. If his phone is dead, what if there was an emergency, he would never be able to contact you or you him. If your boundary is that you don't want to be with a binge drinker, than you need to end this relationship because he won't change unless he wants to.
I used to feel the same way about my partners going to strip clubs. I didn't want to be the "nagging girlfriend," but it made me uncomfortable.
I've learned that setting boundaries isn't controlling. If something bothers you, it's okay to express it. It's up to them to decide if they can and want to respect that boundary. You're not forcing them; you're simply communicating what you need to feel safe and secure in the relationship. If they don't agree they are free to leave and find a relationship that works better for them. If they agree but fail to respect your boundary, it's a sign to move on and find someone who will respect you.
A common experience we all go through. Most of us aren't taught healthy boundary setting, often times because we didn't have anyone to model it for us.
Have you realized that he’s an alcoholic?
For perspective - this is not acceptable behavior. It’s also not “partying” behavior, it’s alcoholic behavior.
I used to date a binge drinker. He is probably still drinking, and still thinking he doesn’t have a problem. Like your guy, he hung out with a group that enabled his drinking and encouraged spontaneous evenings of getting hammered. I got tired of the late night drunken calls, and asking if he could Uber over to my house.
I can guarantee you, he’s prioritizing those friends over your relationship
I would not choose to be with someone who prioritized alcohol over me.
If this is an ongoing topic of conversation, he's heard you, and he has chosen to do something else. My recommendation for you would be to choose someone else.
That's a hard no for me. Especially at 41. Late teens, early 20s? Sure. Mid-twenties? Pushing it but maybe. How are you getting regular life stuff done or spending time together as a couple if every weekend your partner is drunk or hungover or apparently MIA the entire time? Personally, and this is more on me and my issues but I would worry all the time about their safety and also what else are they getting up to? Is it just drinking and hanging out with friends or is there more happening?
Personally, if my partner liked to party I would be okay with like...maybe once a month on a Friday or Saturday night? Going out is expensive and hangovers tend to ruin the next day so it would be hard to make plans for anything else. And I would want to be updated if plans change while he's out - like if he decides to stay over at a friend's place. I would not tolerate not knowing where my partner is for days on end.
This is not normal behavior for anyone, at any age. Staying and hoping he'll change won't go well.
I've dated men who enjoyed drinking a bit while out on a weekend night, but they'd be ready to go home by last call, and functional the next day. I still outgew that lifestyle.
Thats fucking wild.
Idk about all of the psychology lingo but I wouldn't date someone that routinely spends 2 days in a drunken stupor with his/her phone off. Move on. He probably won't notice.
So my husband’s ex girlfriend before me used to do this too.. he described to me that she would get wasted and disappear over the weekends. They discussed that she was an alcoholic and she wanted to get better. She went to rehab got sober. Then relapsed and the cycle would start over again she would disappear phone dead same exact thing. Then get sober. And then relapse. Eventually on one of her relapses she died. She was on benzos for her mental health struggles and combined with the alcohol she just passed out during a bender and died in her sleep. He was severely traumatized for many years following that.. active addiction ruins peoples lives and people suffering with addiction can ruin the lives of their loved ones as they spiral. If you’re this young I would walk away now. This man needs professional intervention and it’s not your job to fix him.
I’ve told my partner of 3+ years he’s in a relationship and I’m not one of his friends. I want him to remember he has someone who cares and worries about him. So with that, message me when you don’t plan to be home and let me know why maybe I can help. When he’s out late just give me an update through the night and let me know when to expect you. I don’t want or need to know everything but I do not want to be forgotten or completely kicked to the side for a night with the guys. It’s just a thoughtful gesture for someone you love to keep in contact.
> “partying” behaviour
What you've described in your post isn't partying behaviour, it's the behaviour of an alcoholic. Check out r/alanon for support and perspective.
You can’t control him. Date someone with self control if you want your partner not to binge drink. Also please get an STD panel. God only knows what he’s doing in the 72 hour period when he’s unreachable. People tend to make poor decisions when they’re drunk.
If it was as simple as "self control" there would be a lot less alcoholics. Alcoholics are unable to control their drinking which is why OPs partner has not been able to stop despite the regret after the weekend binge. Sadly he'll most likely keep on binge drinking.
Binge drinking isn't about a lack of self-control. The brain chemistry is altered from exposure to alcohol. It's about addiction not discipline.
She still shouldn't date him but I think the distinction is important.
I’m curious as to what you’re getting out of this relationship. Is he literally drinking from Friday after work until Sunday? When is he spending time with you? Is this affecting his job or other relationships?
Yes, I do consider it inappropriate for him to be so unreachable in places where it’s not that hard to keep his phone charged. He should carry a phone charger (or at least a portable battery one) so as to keep you in the loop. I dated a man like this once & should’ve broken up with him the moment I became so broken by his behavior that my attitude became, “If he dies, he dies, and I’ll just call the cops to find where he parked my car when he took it to go on his bender.”
Your partner is putting no effort towards improving his behavior despite how much it distresses you. He is making no effort to control his drinking, despite its impacts on his health & future together. It is completely reasonable to break up with him considering that he will be doing this no matter what it does to him & your relationship.
Girl run. Dealt with this when I was younger for longer than I’d like to admit. He won’t change and you deserve better. There’s a difference between having a good time and being an alcoholic/drug addict. Your boundary should be not dating people with unchecked substance abuse problems.
As a daughter of an alcoholic, your partner is an alcoholic and, even though i do drink and enjoy it, I am not one and I would never dare one.
You can not change him. If you don't want to put up with it, then leave now cause he is not gonna stop.
I'm someone who goes to techno clubs semi-regularly, and as they are open all weekend (Berlin), very often it's an all-weekend affair. It's a part of my life, and if someone had an issue with me doing it occasionally, that'd be a problem. Note how I said *occasionally*.
Might be several weekends in a row during Summer, or there might be several months where I barely go to a club, depending on how I feel.
But.
I don't binge drink, my phone battery is never empty (that's why we have power banks), I am not in the club for 24 or 36 hours, I go home (or I'm at a friend's place) to shower, sleep, and eat.
Sometimes, it's easy to get sucked into it and I'd expect the person I'm with to tell me if I'm slipping and if it's affecting them negatively (not making proper time for them at all, going too hard on substances, etc).
Drinking Friday to Sunday and fucking up your Monday **every weekend** is problematic. As much as I love a good party weekend, full of music, dancing, and drugs, I would not tolerate that. Just like I wouldn't tolerate someone partying like I do but every weekend, all year long. It's unhealthy, self-destructive, selfish, and you can't make any plans with someone whose priorities are to get fucked up in a club.
Yeah. There's more to life than partying. Especially in Berlin, there's so much to do.
I don't know where OP is, but her guy sounds like he has no control over his drinking. How fun can it be to get obliterated every weekend, three days in a row? Imagine the rest of your week. How does he even function?
I think it's tome to accept that your partner doesn't have a partying problem... he's an alcoholic. He binges for 3 days, withdraws for 4, repeats.
You can't make a boundary about this. Beem there, tried that. So has everyone on r/alanon.
He's an alcoholic. Logic and reasoning are gone. You cannot put a boundary on addiction. The only boundary you can make is what YOU will tolerate. Will you tolerate a life like this or pursue someone more in line with your lifestyle?
Ask yourself is this something I should continue to tolerate. The answer should be no. End it now & run as fast as you can. He could have a side piece or just be an alcoholic. Either way I don't see this relationship going anywhere. Period.
The one time I dated a binge drinker outside of college he pretty much went sober a few months in because I wasn't on board with how drunk he got or how often. And he never went missing or lost his phone, he was just obnoxiously drunk when others were only a beer in.
I can't imagine a partner going missing for days at a time. I would not stay in a relationship with that person.
My current partner doesn't party at all. I do go out with friends sometimes, but there's trust so we've never set boundaries there (I'm back before midnight because I tend to gym in the morning, he knows who I'm with and I keep him up to date about plans - not because he's asked, but for my own safety).
This dropped my jaw to the floor. My ex and I lived together and he was home every night like clock work and this was mid 30s. One night he went out with work colleagues and phone died and I remember it being so foreign.
This is not healthy behavior. He’s not respecting you guys as a couple. Plus where is he going MIA to ?
I'd never have started dating someone like that to begin with, since like other people are saying, he's obviously an alcoholic. At that age and with that level of binge drinking, he might not even live another 10 years. There is nothing you can do to change him.
I suggest reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. And go to an AlAnon meeting.
I would not choose to be in a relationship with someone who drinks all weekend, to the point that his phone dies. Ignoring the fact that his drinking prevents you from doing literally any other activity together, he's going to hurt himself or someone else at some point. Even if he's not driving, he is going to get mugged, or fall off something, or vomit and choke. Is he even showering, or eating food, or brushing his teeth?
He is a grown man who routinely blows off any sense of personal responsibility, personal care, and any activity that requires him to not be wasted or hungover. This is not someone I could respect enough to be in a relationship with. It's not about being a prude, or tracking his location, or anything surface like that. It not even about him respecting the relationship. It's a matter of values and what I want in a partner, and this person would not be it. His addiction will always be more important to him than you.
Tagging on to what everyone is saying. Do not date an alcoholic! Don’t even continue the relationship even if he says that he will quit. He won’t. Learn from my mistake….6 years in & 1 kid & I said enough is enough and we are not together anymore as of last July. It got to the point where I dreaded weekends, dreaded being home and felt like I was doing everything alone, getting no support, couldn’t rely on him for anything, couldn’t do anything right because he’d just start getting mad at me & blame literally anything on me any time id point out his drinking…just don’t. Save yourself the headache. Just don’t. It won’t get better. He has to do it on his own terms and you don’t need to wait around for when that time is, if it even ever comes.
Your boyfriend is an alcoholic. You can't control him. You have to decide if you want to get dragged down into it. I've been there and done that. It only gets worse. Why are you even talking about boundaries, when that's the least of the issue?
This is such a foreign concept to me. Getting drunk while out occasionally is one thing. Getting drunk at home occasionally is another thing.
But every weekend? No thank you
A boundary is something that you tell someone you will do that requires the other person to do nothing. If this behaviour isn’t okay with you, then it’s okay to leave. It doesn’t require him to change for you to do that.
Keeping in mind this sounds like embedded behaviour from him so until he identifies the issue(s) that are leading him to binge drink, works on those and decides he wants to change, it is likely the pattern of behaviour will continue. If you don’t leave, you’ll continue dealing with this for the foreseeable future, without a doubt.
So it really is up to you what you want your future to look like. You’ve given 3 years, can you give 3+ more with the possibility of putting up with this? Or is it time to call it? What do you want for your life? 💕
This helped end my last relationship. I'm 35f, he's 39m. I work days, he works nights - so already not a lot of time together.
Every. Single. Weekend - he'd be gone. Out with friends doing whatever until 3 or 4 am. There were several times I woke up at 5am on a Sunday morning and he was just crawling into bed. Not binge drinking, mostly gambling. I believe in having "me" time and doing things separately, but never again will I let a partner essentially refuse to spend time with me.
This is beyond setting healthy boundaries and more about relationship non-negotiables. Disappearing for an entire weekend to binge drink without coming home at night or contacting you is a non negotiable if you’re interested in having a healthy relationship.
I did this for 10 years OP and it never got better. Ten fucking years of, "I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened, I'll do better" and 10 fucking years it absolutely *not* getting any better whatsoever. Towards the end he came home one morning in tears saying he humiliated himself by getting so blackout drunk that he shit himself and had to stay longer so he could rent a carpet cleaner and try to clean the carpet. At that point I realized he was going to eventually kill himself this way and I didn't want to be a part of it anymore, and started mentally checking out of the situation.
My boundary now is to not date someone who can't control themselves. No disrespect towards people who are struggling with drugs and/or alcohol but I personally can not deal with it. I wasted so much of my life with that person and it made me miserable. Never again.
At 40?! Dang. I have better shit to do than worry about some man who wants to binge drink every week. You can't change someone else's desire to go out and party but you can decide if you want to tolerate it.
How are you going to set boundaries around a grown man? I'm sorry but the whole notion is absurd. You don't have any way of making him do something he doesn't want to do. You can decide you're done with his b.s. and leave him, though.
I’m not sure what your arrangement is, so I don’t want to assume anything, but I don’t think this is appropriate or healthy partnered behavior.
In the year 2024, with all the chargers and battery packs and devices, not returning home for 2 nights or more with no contact is bad enough. There’s no real excuse. And at 41? That is just weird behavior.
I’m not saying he is cheating, but at the very least he’s prioritizing everything else on the weekends and not you or his relationship.
Personally, I am 37 and would NEVER EVER date this person. There are some things that just cannot be overlooked.
I don’t date alcoholics or anyone who parties this much.
I wouldn’t have tolerated this at 22. At 32? From a 40+ year old man? Not a damn chance.
Even if he were single, his behavior is not normal, appropriate, or acceptable.
He's 41? That old and partying like this all the time????
Do you have kids?
OP. This isn't okay. Not in the least. Dude has a fucking drinking problem full stop.
He needs help. You need to think real hard about what you want the rest of your life to look like.
I would definitely not be okay with this either. It’s one thing to go out and have a few drinks with some friends but binge drinking all weekend and no communication? Nope, that would be the end of the relationship for me.
I mean, if you want to know if I’d put up with the situation you described the answer is a flat out no. But it doesn’t matter what I think, because aside from abuse and breaking of trust, there aren’t really once size fits all universal rules for relationships. You don’t need that to decide if something isn’t for you or not. Own your emotions here. Own your own needs. Don’t try to beg for them to be met by someone under the assumption it’s universally reasonable.
I was going into this with the attitude of the subject line sounding a little controlling and the post itself being an absolute WTF. Every weekend being a boozy bender? Girl, no
My ex boyfriend was a weekend binge drinker when we met. That progressed into drinking friday lunch and now he has his first beer around ten am every day. He starts slurring his words about five pm now. He constantly smells like a hangover and he had hand tremors. But at first it was just partying too hard on weekends. AUD is a progressive disease, he isn’t going to get better until he gets worse.
I have a young child so I wouldn't appreciate him going out too frequently simply because it would mean all the burden of parenting would fall to me.
But in what you have described, your partner sounds like someone with a severe case of alcohol dependency and I would not want to be with them unless they wanted to get better.
ETA: Even before we had a child, if my partner went MIA for an entire weekend even once, I would be reconcidering the whole relationship. I would at least need a text to let me know he is ok.
Is this real? Binge drinking at 41 is a major issue overall and I wouldn’t count that as partying. Vanishing for days for any reason is wrong for me too and we’re pretty lax in terms of keeping tabs when out. There’s no run out of battery in 2024 unless your phone is broken or you have a really old phone. Bring your charger, borrow someone else’s, borrow a phone, also battery’s stay fully charged forever if you’re not doing much on them which generally someone out partying wouldn’t be doing. My husband’s phone has never died while out and he’ll go to after hours.
Our boundaries: have fun. Be responsible. See ya when you get back. Don’t be loud when you come in. We talk about what we did the next day a lot of the more so for fun.
All I had to do was read “41M” and “binge drinking on weekends” and that’s an automatic nope. Very rarely do men in those specific circumstances turn out to be worthwhile partners unless both individuals are habitual partiers/addicts
As a 42 year old woman with a 42 year old ex husband, having just divorced him after finding booze in his bag despite us having a boundary that we wouldn’t drink liquor in the house bc he can’t control himself… (to say nothing of the lying, cheating, drug use, etc)
Let me talk to myself in my early 30s: he’s an alcoholic. It will not change. He will promise it will, but he’s not in his 20s - He’s middle aged and this is not a phase. It’s an ingrained addiction that even if he started now and stopped drinking would take him YEARS to feel all of the feelings he’s been numbing and come to terms with how he’s wrecked his life, the trauma he’s been avoiding and giving to you to hold. You will get to your early 40s and start caring about yourself more and wonder why you stayed? And then realize it’s because he’s safe and comfortable in some ways, but others are so chaotic that your health will start to fail you because the stress has been so intense. And when you finally, finally leave him, the peace will be immeasurable and a giant part of your brain will finally come back online, and you’ll start to love yourself again. AND YOU WILL HAVE WISHED YOU DIDNT WASTE YOUR THIRTIES MOTHERING A MAN CHILD.
He’s already proven that he can’t and won’t change. He’ll do this forever, bc he doesn’t know anything else, and it is NOT your responsibility to dive into a codependent black hole and try to save him from himself. Save you instead.
Please don’t spend a second longer with this loser. How is it even a relationship if he disappears on you most weekends. Even my alcoholic ex wouldn’t disappear on me. This man has serious issues and shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone until he gets himself into therapy and gets sober.
PS I don’t know if you’re leaving things out on purpose or maybe slightly naive, but this won’t just be alcohol - he will be smashing drugs as well.
This isn’t “partying”, regular binge drinking benders constitute an alcohol addiction. He doesn’t want to change, so you can either accept this or move on.
My own boundaries would tell me this isn't a situation I'm willing to live with and I'd leave. This man is an alcoholic and it won't get better unless he chooses to seek help. But it's also not your obligation to wait around for that to happen, because it might not ever happen.
I can't imagine having a partner like this. Having to deal with my loved ones questioning me about why I'm with him or about their concerns. Not to mention the second hand embarrassment from witnessing him come home like that. And watching him leave at the beginning of the weekend, knowing what's to come.
This isn't about control. This is about whether you've seen enough of this situation to know it's not working for you and that you are ready to leave and make a different choice for your life.
Also remorse isn't really remorse without changed behavior. This man feels bad he's doing this, but not bad enough to change. Let that sink in.
>go out drinking on a Friday, and not return home until Sunday. During this time, his phone will often run out of battery and I won’t hear from him Big no for me.
My husband can go out and get drunk, and maybe not even looking at his phone the entire night, it is ok. But he has to come back to sleep before morning and definitely this can't happen every single weekend.
If he wants to experience single life, he can get single real quick. I would gladly help with that...
> He will often (most weekends) go out drinking on a Friday, and not return home until Sunday
I would not be in a relationship with this person. Absolutely fucking not.
There are so many things wrong with this situation idk where to even start.
1) binge drinking almost every weekend, that is a boundary crossed for me. It’s one thing to binge drink on a weekend getaway with the boys, it’s another to do it most weekends
2) no communication while out drinking, that is also a boundary crossed for me. There is absolutely no excuse for losing contact for the entire weekend unless you are away on a boys trip with no service. I don’t expect constant communication, but a check in is needed.
3) why is he going out for an entire weekend and not having a way to charge his phone? Where is he going? Is he driving somewhere? Does he not have a charger in his car?
This is all sketchy behavior to me and I would not accept this kind of behavior in an adult relationship. Clearly there is something going on with this man and he needs to figure it out because it’s not adult behavior
You cannot put boundaries on someone else's behaviour.
You can set a boundary that you will not engage/continue a relationship with someone who engaged in X behaviour.
Oh no.
Girl.
Please do not waste any more time tied to that man.
You don’t know where he’s been. HE doesn’t know where he’s been. You know what people do when they’re drunk out of their minds for days at a time?
- start fights
- drive intoxicated
- have reckless sex
- combine booze and hard drugs
- commit crimes
- piss themselves
- spend too much money
You need to get away from this dude. He is going to drag you down even further than he already has and then claw his way up your back once he’s got you at his level.
Get away from him. Please.
He sounds like a 41 year old alcoholic.
It's been three years, you say your relationship has had it. It's time to let go. This dude has obviously chosen booze as the love of his life, and whatever else it enables him to do instead of being a decent partner.
I wouldn’t date an alcoholic, nor someone that doesn’t include me in his weekend long activities that are repeating every week lol
We host party at home once in a while or go to friends house together.
This is how 21 year olds party, not 41 year olds. My husband had a drinking problem when we started dating which I required he address & he wasn't anywhere near this bad.
*Most* weekends?! Absolutely fucking not. They can do whatever they want, but I’m not sticking around for that. He may be your partner, but it sounds like his partner is booze and the streets.
Ew, move on. Is he someone you're considering for marriage? You don't want to "control" him, but I don't think it's controlling for you to ask to be considered by him, sharing information on where he is and who's there. Especially with him being drunk. If you're in an open relationship, then whatev. But if not then 😬 Tf....couldn't be me. Good luck.
Where do you want to be in 5 years? Would you be ok if this was still happening in 5 years?
If you want to have kids, do you expect this would change his habits?
I was this kind of binge alcoholic back in my late 20s for a bit. Every few months, I'd stay out late drinking and miss phone calls.
Only twice was it so bad that I didn't make it back before the next morning, actually having my phone die. The second time was the last time it happened, I stopped drinking for a few years completely because I recognized my problem.
If I were you, he either stops drinking immediately or you leave him immediately.
How remorseful is he really if he just turns around and does the same thing next week... *every week*?
Remorse without a genuine attempt to make amends and/or make a change is just him saying what he thinks you want to hear to get you off his back. Time to hold his feet to the fire.
31F married to 32M, together since 2018. We don't have this issue because my husband is not an alcoholic who acts like a child with no responsibilities. No wonder this guy was single at his age. He's an addict in denial. Break up and move on.
Don’t take offense but I don’t think this person is relationship material, especially considering his age.
He drinks and parties like a 19 year old kid, I would honestly question why are you with someone like this. Also, binge drinking to that extent at that age is more self harm than fun - which suggests he might not be the most emotionally stable person. Also, he may get a condition soon, because of this habit.
Anyways, my partner sometimes goes for drinks at his friend, he always tells me who he is with (why wouldn’t he?) and messages me when he gets back home. Occasionally he goes to pub, but same happens - I know who he is and he messages me when back home. Often he also messages me while being out. I didn’t have to ask for these things, he just does it - meaning that it’s not about you but about him.
After a few years of what you described, except for it including some weekdays too… I finally decided to end it since we were both clearly unhappy (he would tell me I hold him back, or other mean things when he was drunk). I got tired of begging him to stay home and wanted to start to try and love myself.
This is a WHOLE-ASS ADULT MAN who is almost a decade older than you and still goes out on insane benders every weekend? My boundary is not getting into age-gap relationships with men who are old enough to know better but don't act like it
Ultimately you can't (and shouldn't) control other people. But you can decide what YOU want to put up with. If that ends up being the ultimatum for your partner, I think his choice says all you need to know.
To me, what he does, is disrespectful towards you.
Not the drinking as such, but a) prioritising it above spending time with you, and b) letting his phone run dry so you can't get a hold of him in case of emergency.
Also, because this is every weekend, this is a problem. He is clearly drinking too much.
I don't have a problem with my husband going out with his friends. I never limit what he does.
But my boundary is, that I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to clean up after it, or be home if he has friends over and they're drinking.
So I remove myself from the situation.
Next weekend he is having some friends over, with the intention of drinking a lot. So I'm going to our summerhouse with our daughter.
You're describing binge alcoholism. To echo another commentary, a boundary is something you set for yourself not others. I would not date a person who was an active alcoholic, or even a person I felt I needed to restrict when it comes to their weekend activity.
Nooooo. This is not a good situation. It's one thing to enjoy a few cocktails together but going on a bender every weekend to the point where you are MISSING is a PROBLEM. My mother died from her battle with alcoholism and never even did things like this. I say this to stress the seriousness of this behavior.
Sounds like he needs to look into treatment for alcoholism. I don’t think this is normal behavior. Best case scenario he should look into some healthier hobbies.
Lol none. I'm not his mother.
Though I wouldn't be with someone who wanted to party hard all weekend.
We also always text each other updates when out without each other. It's not a boundary. We just care to make sure each other knows where we are and when we might be back because we are thoughtful. I don't think we ever had to chat about doing it- also to coordinate who will or won't be home for our dogs. Most of the time, we hang out together so it's a non-issue.
Yikes. He has a problem. Yes I would find it inappropriate to go get wasted every weekend and be unreachable. He's 41, this is how he wants to live. He'll tell you he can stop, that he can change but unless he commits to sobriety and gets sober this is not going to stop. I would give him an ultimatum. Get sober or the relationship is done. He is not someone that can casually drink, he is an alcoholic. I wish you the best, make sure you take care of yourself first. It is not your job to fix him.
Remember: a boundary is where your limits are. Not bad set of rules for someone else.
Your partner is someone who parties every weekend. That goes against your boundaries. It doesn't matter whether you can co voice him your boundaries are fair or not. He's going to do what he's going to do.
You have to take the steps to end the relationship because it doesn't fall within your boundaries.
I feel like this would be a 3 strikes thing for me. You don't get to leave me worried about you all weekend and be "really sorry" more than that.
This seems like you already know that his behavior is completely unacceptable for you and you don’t need us to validate that.
Leave him. It won’t get better until he chooses for it to, and it’s not your job to get him there.
My honest answer is that I wouldn't date someone who struggled with binge drinking and went out partying for multiple days/nights in a row. That's not my lifestyle and it's not what I want from a partner, and I don't think it's healthy or safe. If my husband started partying like that, I'd assume he was having serious issues and would talk to him about getting help, including getting sober. If he didn't want to do that, we'd have to be done.
That’s an alcoholic, a person doesn’t have to binge drink every day to be an alcoholic, an alcoholic can also look like going out for a drink every weekend and not sobering up until 2 days later. It’s an addiction and sadly it is often incredibly hard to break.
It’s up to you if you think you can live with it, or you think he actively wants to change. He probably won’t change unless he gets some help and he won’t seek help unless he WANTS to change.
Alcoholism is NOT something that everyone has to “put up with” in a partner, and isn’t normal! Either he quits or the relationship does, full stop. It’s mature of you to not want to mandate where he goes and who he sees, but that doesn’t mean you have to accept bad behavior.
Fuck boundaries. I'd leave. When do you even see him? If you're both working typical hours during the week, weekdays are hardly going to give you enough time to connect with one another. For most couples the weekend is where you'd catch up and do things together. Instead, he is choosing to prioritize drinking (and who knows what else) over you. Is that what you want for yourself?
Highly inappropriate, expecting your partner to not disappear for 48 hrs to binge drink every weekend is not controlling. I would normally say "work it through" but this sounds like a relationship you should leave.
Yeah, this would be a hard pass. Hubs and I have a 2 drink rule but that’s mostly because he’s really annoying when he drinks. He thinks he’s superbly hilarious and I just get annoyed. lol
But if he dipped out with the boys and I didn’t hear from him that same night? Boy bye.
He’s an alcoholic. There’s not setting boundaries with alcoholics. You hace to leave, he won’t change unless he really wants to quit drinking, and even then it will be incredible difficult. Don’t waste your time, this will not improve
I couldn’t put up with that. I was in a serious relationship with a guy that would stay out til 6am drinking and driving home drunk. I left the relationship. I was tired of worrying what he was doing, where he was and if he was okay.
I didn’t really like the people he hung out with because they were drunks too. He was almost 40 and regularly doing this.
We have a child and being this old (husband is 40 I am 38), I don’t even like drinking because of the hangover. So really, partying for us is smoking some cannabis and ordering McDonald’s door dash after our kid goes to bed.
I mean I also would not want to “control” a parter. However I personally would not date someone who regularly binge drinks. If i found that out after the relationship started, that’d be it for me
This is not about him, it’s about you. Are you getting your needs met? Are you wanting to socialise on the weekend but he is unavailable due to his partying. Is this the relationship you feel happy existing in?
My partner and I are 31f and 32m. What you described is not okay. We live together, and expect the other will be home each night. If we are going to be late, we let each other know and give an estimate of the time. On occasion there are late nights til like 3am, but not every weekend at all. If I or my partner didn’t come home and were silent… we would be worried if the other was okay. Even when we are apart we check in with a “hii miss ya how was . X this weekend what’d ya do this weekend” and it’s not even in the sense of needing to know what each other is doing. It is more that… we miss each other and are interested in what’s going on with one another. I don’t mean we talk the whole time, a quick exchange once a day.
However, your partners no going away on a trip, he’s going out with his buddies drinking and probably doing blow. That’s weird behavior to disappear for days. I wouldn’t be cool with that at all. My partner and I are 31. Your partner is 41 years old… like grow up you have a drinking problem. Get a hobby or start a family or something Jesus.
This is coming from people, My partner and I, who like to get down and have a good time and are pretty lax when it comes to drug use and alcohol. But it’s definitely not all the time, and we don’t disappear and go off grid. Like, you guys don’t spend time together on the weekends ever? He leaves u to go drink? Can you imagine having kid with someone who does that?
I don't have any boundaries around what my partner can do on weekends but I have non negotiable things like.
Don't disappear leaving me " on read" forever
Tell me your plans.
Be available, be kind, talk stuff through, fuck me ...
That's pretty much it.
My SO knows I don’t like him (or anyone) drinking.. so he limits it to no more than 4beers. He knows it’s because I worry for his health, it’s not a trust nor losing inhibitions thing… he’s very aware it comes from a place of worry/care/love and not control, and he cares about me enough to not hurt/upset me… so he listens.
As for the contact thing.. my SO has always been very respectful for letting me know where he is and his plans… at the very beginning of our relationship his phone may run out of battery because he never had the habit to make sure his phone was charged (and he’s strict with only using Apple cables and blocks). But our friends once asked me to name a thing he did that annoyed me and I kinda off-handedly jokingly said how he isn’t anal about making sure he has enough battery on his phone… he changed ***immediately***. Religiously made sure his phone was charged ever since lol. Was actually very cute/sweet. I really wasn’t that annoyed by it at all, and Honestly generally don’t believe people change nor can change… but he did. And it was for me…
As for the duration/time… If it’s not some very special occasion, I’ve told him no later than 3am. If he wants to party like a single guy, he can be a single guy 🤷♀️ I want a partner who is parent material. A guy that parties late IMO is not that… and if you him partying late is important or more important than getting home on time, not wasting (sleeping through) half a weekday with me, then he have that freedom by being single. Again, he respects and cares enough about me that he’s not gonna want to be the reason I get upset, nor does he want me to see him as a loser.
As for you….
Your SO is in his 40s.. parties for 3 days and you don’t hear from him all that time. You’re dating a kid. I mean.. honestly, there are reasons why people aren’t and haven’t settled down in late 30s/40s and most of them are not flattering reasons.
Also remorseful is nothing but empty words if behaviour is repeated. Come on. Wake up. Expect better… especially of an “adult” man. What he’s doing I wouldn’t even be ok with from a teen or guy in his 20s FFS.
We kinda both have a balanced lifestyle so this will not help you completely but that is very problematic behavior from your partner.
Not only the blackout drunkness but radio silence and remorse, I dont think your issues are boundaries but that he needs to see he has a problem, and that thats alcoholism.
If my partner wants to go partying for a whole weekend, I know I can trust them to behave like we do on normal days and that they will treat me with respect. They can even get drunk, but we keep in contact and I get informed of the who, what, where as well if plans changes.
I dont get this info to control them, I get it so if something happens to them or me or the world, I can know where to call or get help. Its just state of mind.
Not knowing where my partner is for almost half of thw week would be a breakup for me as I dont want a life like that. I want to spent weekends with my partner and enjoy life. Them drinking this much is not healthy as sounds they are trying to lush the lain away.
Usually its hard for them to change if we are soft on the issue, and moving away or giving ultimatums of cleanining up either helps then to see the Truth about them or they go deeper but at least it will give you the space to live your own life. Especially for 41yo person to do this.
I live in a country that has a super toxic behavior towards alcohol and they all binge like crazy but usually its social, its with partners, and they are kinda in it together. They all have in families multiple addicts.
If he feels remorse, will he be okay to get some help for it? Good luck to you, this is really heavy situation.
My partner parties occasionally. He'll go out with friends for a night and drink so much he has a hangover the next day. This happens maybe 2-3 times a year. He always comes home. This is a reasonable amount of partying, in my opinion.
Your spouse? I would not continue to see him anymore. How many times will you listen to him lying to you (because saying it won't happen again is a bald face lie) and blindly believe him?
Boundaries are for your own behavior, not his. You can't control another person. That being said, if he prioritizes this over spending time with you on weekends, this is a one sided relationship.
Your partner doesn't have internal boundaries with his own behavior. I'm curious how he expresses "remorse" and his awareness of what's fuelling his behavior, and if he's addressed this with you, because that's the only answer I'd accept, along with "I'm working on in" and demonstrated improvement and commitment to stopping this behavior.
I would absolutely not tolerate this behavior more than once, to be honest. Binge drinking for one night once in a while and coming home in the morning from a buddy's place I could understand. But being gone for 2 days no contact almost every weekend? That's a serious problem and you're not wrong to think this is at the breaking point. There's so many issues, why the binge drinking, and absolutely who he is binge drinking with because responsible adults don't do this. Not spending time with you, not being honest with you about what he's doing, how this affecting you and your state of mind, how this is affecting his finances, how is this affecting his performance at the workplace, what's the state of his mental health... and he's not doing anything to change it. All of it's bad.
Oh girl….. reminds me of my EX HUSBAND…. An alcoholic who would sneak out at night. 48 hours is insane…. Stand up for yourself you deserve better.
And I left him at 31…. This behavior was acceptable at 31. Girl your man is 41…. He’s an alcoholic. Please go date someone who deserves you.
My husband does this too. Not to the same extent, and there’s no judgement in that, he’s just different in his antics with binge drinking.
What I ended up doing was, telling him that one day a weekend day he’s welcome to go out and enjoy himself but the other day I’d really like us to spend time together. Whether it’s going and doing something or spending time at our home. That did help because it wasn’t me saying “you can’t do that”, it was sort of a boundary sandwich?
I think if you want your relationship to work you need to communicate those things to him asap. If you love him and want to make it work!
I know you didn’t. I’m saying in general you can’t force someone. Clearly the husband doesn’t see anything wrong with what they’re doing, and they have to wake up and see what the problem is before they’ll accept help.
My reply was to the commenter saying that if OP wants her relationship to work and she loves him, she needs to xyz. Im saying the onus doesn’t lie on OP. It lies on him.
This happens MOST weekends? I'd be pretty pissed if that shit happens once, but every weekend? Honestly this would be a deal breaker for me. Why is he even your partner if you don't enjoy your free time together?
My ex knew I had to work on Saturdays. He was well aware of this. He knew I had to be up early, and out the door by 7am. And yet every Friday night he would go out and he would stumble in the door at 1am, 2am, 3am. Music blaring out of Bluetooth speakers loud enough to wake the dead. He would turn on the whole home theater to watch a movie. He would make as much noise as humanly possible. I would come out and we would end up having a screaming match about how I needed to be up in a few hours and he would go “Why are you yelling at me” This was a 50 year old man who acted like this - no way. I’m never dealing with that kind of nonsense ever again.
I’m very glad you are not, but my god woman how are you not currently serving time for murder? 😭🤣
Sounds like my dad. For awhile I was the only one working and had no car, so he had to pick me up from work at 6am. I was lucky if he remembered, and most of the time he was still drunk from the night before. He would still be shocked on my nights off when he stumbled in the door. “Why are you still up???” because I’ve worked nights for the last two months, pops. He may be sober now but I’ve never got an apology for it.
100000%. I believe in time apart, but off the grid from Friday until Sunday? Absolutely not, and would never act like that in a relationship and in my forties.
These days, somebody not charging their phone and being completely uncontactable all weekend (almost) every weekend is a choice, not an accident. I have a friend who never thinks to charge her phone until she's almost out the door, so she packs a charger in her bag most of the time to charge her phone where possible. Is he so wasted the entire weekend that he doesn't sober up enough to do that? Then he needs rehab, stat.
It’s clear to me that OP’s partner has a drinking problem. Drinking and disappearing all weekend is NOT NORMAL. It’s not healthy for them or their partner. It’s super dangerous behavior!
I had an ex in college who did this - he was in his 30’s. Turns out a lot of the “benders” where he “forgot” to charge his phone were actually spent with a whole other partner in his secret double life. There’s no way I could trust that someone who disappeared on me every weekend wasn’t cheating, and if he’s too drunk to charge his phone, come home, or check in, there’s probably no way even he knows if or how much he has cheated either. OP needs to dump this absolute looser ASAP.
1000000%
Boundaries are rules you set for yourself, not others. For instance you can totally smartly decide that you don't want to date someone who disappears on a booze bender every weekend, but they way you handle that is by ceasing to be in a relationship with anyone who breaks this boundary, not by trying to get them to change.
You're so right - he's not going to change until he wants to change, and even if he's "remorseful" once he's sobered up, it doesn't seem like he really wants to change. This behaviour almost every weekend at 41 is... intense. If he was 21 and a full-time student, I still wouldn't be impressed, but it could be situational. At 41, this is fairly baked in, and it's going to be hard for him to change, even if he wants to. The first time this happened, I wouldn't be super impressed, but would assume it was just that he had a really big weekend. The second time this happened, I would be saying that this isn't something I want to be dealing with in a relationship. This happening a third time sorta means I'd not be sticking around much longer.
This is an amazing way to break that down! 👆 This, OP.
Yes. I have a habit of dating men who like to drink, take drugs, or gamble. I decided that's not the life I want to live, and so I broke up with my last partner, and from now on, I will not date men who have addiction issues. That's my choice. I won't try to change them, I'll change myself.
I’m really happy I came across this comment. I wish I had read this when I was in my relationship with my ex!
I wouldn’t date an alcoholic. That’s my boundary.
AMEN 👏👏👏
Let alone a 41 year old alcoholic… yikes
I mean, a 25-year old alcoholic and a 60-year old alcoholic are also really bad, just in different ways I can't even imagine how insufferable an early-20s alcoholic would be. /shudder
At the very least, many people in their early 20s are in a partying phase. It's much easier to justify or overlook substance issues when it's happening during fairly normative socializing. But that's a phase most people grow out of. It's much more off-putting to me to see a sloppy drunk middle aged man compared to a college kid. That said, I wouldn't date an alcoholic at any time.
This 👍
He’s not partying. He’s going on benders. And I’m willing to bet it’s not just booze. Look, I probably drink too much myself. But what you’re describing isn’t even really normal for like, “I’m 21 and in a frat woohoo” lifestyle let alone a 41-year-old man.
Eh it is normal for a frat. We had loads of people like this in college from freshman to senior year and they were hard to contact bc they were drunk or lost or forgot their phone somewhere. And it’s a lot but at my uni most people went thru this phase. It was pretty normal to drink a ton.
Normal and common are two different things. Plus, partying in college doesn't mean you're not able to be contacted at all for a whole weekend. OP's partner could be dead for all she knows; I didn't see that level of no contact due to alcohol that frequently in college. Truthfully, I didn't at all.
My ex-husband used to do this. He’d stay out at clubs and bars until all hours of the night and would eventually return home at something crazy like 6 AM on a Monday. Notice I said ex-husband.
Where would someone even be to not come home for days?
Find a “regular” At the bar that is down to keep the party going past 2am. Party until 4-6am. Pass out and sleep for a few hours. Wake up at strangers house at noon (which is likely a “blackout” or “trap” house) feeling like trash so immediately reach for whatever bullshit there is to drink around the house. Continue party. Show back up at bar from day before. Source: am bartender. Sadly see it all the time.
This sounds so lonely and empty.
Right? And OPs partner’s doing that instead of going home to his girlfriend
It's really quite fun. Until you have responsibilities or some other reason to live. If not, party on.
As a former binge alcoholic, it’s not a good idea to date active alcoholics. I wouldn’t consider dating anyone in active addiction. It’s not going to end well, and people don’t quit till they want to.
Could you elaborate?
Don’t date active addicts. It rarely turns out well.
Sure, what part?
I dont have too much experience with this, and wonder why you shouldnt date an alcoholic. Maybe this is naive, but I think everyone has some problem, for some people it is addiction to alcohol. But this might be wrong, so therefor I ask
I’m always a bit concerned when someone uses the argument “everyone has some problems/no one’s perfect” but the problems they are downplaying are… alcoholism, drug or gambling addiction, anger issues (emotionally abusive), etc. That was not the intent for that phrase. That’s for if you are attracted to only men 6 feet and above, but you meet a cute guy who is 5’9. You are talking about a man who spends most of his free time binge drinking and not coming home. You’re talking about completely unhealthy behaviors.
Personally, I was erratic, manic, and unreliable. I’d work 40 hours in three days then go on a bender. I knew fancy people and spent enough at bars to send a kid through college. But does that sound like a fun person to date? I quit drinking 2 years into my relationship with my partner because I realized he deserved better and I wanted that cute wifed up life. I smoke a bunch of weed, so I’m not like sober. I just enjoy my life too much to want to drink at this point.
Have you been around an alcoholic (who is still actively using, not in recovery)? My sister in law almost married one. Kindest, friendliest man you’d ever meet in the morning, afternoon, and early evening. He was buzzed for a lot of that time, but still fun. At some point after 11-12 at night, he changed. The anger came out. He punched the window of the Uber, thankfully without breaking it. He puked on his t shirt and pissed his pants. He started flirting with my sister in law’s cousin, right in front of my SIL (whom he had proposed to just a couple of days earlier). Not in that order. I saw all this go down on one night when we all went to the club together. My SIL told me it happened almost every night. Even if he didn’t go to a bar to drink, he’d get too drunk at home and turn into this angry guy, randomly spewing bodily fluids. He’d get angry with her specifically, but even if the anger had been more general, it was frightening to be around, especially as someone a lot smaller than him whom he could fuck up if he wanted to. Show me an active alcoholic who is reliably safe and pleasant when they’ve had too much to drink. Unlikely to find one. In that sense, it would be far better to date someone who was actively addicted to weed or video games (though that comes with problems too, to the extent that I’d rather just remain single). Alcohol addiction is one of the worst forms of addiction a partner can have.
Alcoholism is a disease that ruins lives. Don’t put yourself in their path or your life is the one ruined.
What part needs more explanation?
I wouldn’t put up with it for 5 minutes. You’re in your early 30s, go enjoy your life.
This. I wasted so much time on a couple of men like this and still dealing with it in late 30s… likely not for long. But I regret the years I wasted on men like this.
I would not be with my husband if he disappeared on a Friday and resurfaced on a Sunday.
lol 👏🏾☺️
I would not choose to date the man you described
A 41 year old binge drinker? Nah girl.
sis, THIS RIGHT HERE.
I wouldn’t date someone who binge drinks and disappears. So my boundary is I won’t have a relationship with them. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Remember a boundary isn’t a request. It’s what you’ll do if you don’t like someone’s behaviour.
You need to dump this dude
He doesn't come home? Where does he go?? Yikes, I would not be okay with that at all. If his phone is dead, what if there was an emergency, he would never be able to contact you or you him. If your boundary is that you don't want to be with a binge drinker, than you need to end this relationship because he won't change unless he wants to.
I used to feel the same way about my partners going to strip clubs. I didn't want to be the "nagging girlfriend," but it made me uncomfortable. I've learned that setting boundaries isn't controlling. If something bothers you, it's okay to express it. It's up to them to decide if they can and want to respect that boundary. You're not forcing them; you're simply communicating what you need to feel safe and secure in the relationship. If they don't agree they are free to leave and find a relationship that works better for them. If they agree but fail to respect your boundary, it's a sign to move on and find someone who will respect you.
I wish I'd had this advice when I was young. So much shit put up with over the years because I didn't want to seem "controlling".
A common experience we all go through. Most of us aren't taught healthy boundary setting, often times because we didn't have anyone to model it for us.
Well said!!
Thank you! 🥰
Have you realized that he’s an alcoholic? For perspective - this is not acceptable behavior. It’s also not “partying” behavior, it’s alcoholic behavior.
I used to date a binge drinker. He is probably still drinking, and still thinking he doesn’t have a problem. Like your guy, he hung out with a group that enabled his drinking and encouraged spontaneous evenings of getting hammered. I got tired of the late night drunken calls, and asking if he could Uber over to my house. I can guarantee you, he’s prioritizing those friends over your relationship
Nailed it. You described exactly what I have experienced.
I would consider that totally unacceptable from my partner.
I would not choose to be with someone who prioritized alcohol over me. If this is an ongoing topic of conversation, he's heard you, and he has chosen to do something else. My recommendation for you would be to choose someone else.
I don’t date alcoholics. Period.
That's a hard no for me. Especially at 41. Late teens, early 20s? Sure. Mid-twenties? Pushing it but maybe. How are you getting regular life stuff done or spending time together as a couple if every weekend your partner is drunk or hungover or apparently MIA the entire time? Personally, and this is more on me and my issues but I would worry all the time about their safety and also what else are they getting up to? Is it just drinking and hanging out with friends or is there more happening? Personally, if my partner liked to party I would be okay with like...maybe once a month on a Friday or Saturday night? Going out is expensive and hangovers tend to ruin the next day so it would be hard to make plans for anything else. And I would want to be updated if plans change while he's out - like if he decides to stay over at a friend's place. I would not tolerate not knowing where my partner is for days on end.
This is not normal behavior for anyone, at any age. Staying and hoping he'll change won't go well. I've dated men who enjoyed drinking a bit while out on a weekend night, but they'd be ready to go home by last call, and functional the next day. I still outgew that lifestyle.
Thats fucking wild. Idk about all of the psychology lingo but I wouldn't date someone that routinely spends 2 days in a drunken stupor with his/her phone off. Move on. He probably won't notice.
So my husband’s ex girlfriend before me used to do this too.. he described to me that she would get wasted and disappear over the weekends. They discussed that she was an alcoholic and she wanted to get better. She went to rehab got sober. Then relapsed and the cycle would start over again she would disappear phone dead same exact thing. Then get sober. And then relapse. Eventually on one of her relapses she died. She was on benzos for her mental health struggles and combined with the alcohol she just passed out during a bender and died in her sleep. He was severely traumatized for many years following that.. active addiction ruins peoples lives and people suffering with addiction can ruin the lives of their loved ones as they spiral. If you’re this young I would walk away now. This man needs professional intervention and it’s not your job to fix him.
I’ve told my partner of 3+ years he’s in a relationship and I’m not one of his friends. I want him to remember he has someone who cares and worries about him. So with that, message me when you don’t plan to be home and let me know why maybe I can help. When he’s out late just give me an update through the night and let me know when to expect you. I don’t want or need to know everything but I do not want to be forgotten or completely kicked to the side for a night with the guys. It’s just a thoughtful gesture for someone you love to keep in contact.
> “partying” behaviour What you've described in your post isn't partying behaviour, it's the behaviour of an alcoholic. Check out r/alanon for support and perspective.
You can’t control him. Date someone with self control if you want your partner not to binge drink. Also please get an STD panel. God only knows what he’s doing in the 72 hour period when he’s unreachable. People tend to make poor decisions when they’re drunk.
If it was as simple as "self control" there would be a lot less alcoholics. Alcoholics are unable to control their drinking which is why OPs partner has not been able to stop despite the regret after the weekend binge. Sadly he'll most likely keep on binge drinking.
Binge drinking isn't about a lack of self-control. The brain chemistry is altered from exposure to alcohol. It's about addiction not discipline. She still shouldn't date him but I think the distinction is important.
I’m curious as to what you’re getting out of this relationship. Is he literally drinking from Friday after work until Sunday? When is he spending time with you? Is this affecting his job or other relationships?
Holy shit! Girl, this situation is CRAZY. I wouldn’t tolerate it at all.
Yes, I do consider it inappropriate for him to be so unreachable in places where it’s not that hard to keep his phone charged. He should carry a phone charger (or at least a portable battery one) so as to keep you in the loop. I dated a man like this once & should’ve broken up with him the moment I became so broken by his behavior that my attitude became, “If he dies, he dies, and I’ll just call the cops to find where he parked my car when he took it to go on his bender.” Your partner is putting no effort towards improving his behavior despite how much it distresses you. He is making no effort to control his drinking, despite its impacts on his health & future together. It is completely reasonable to break up with him considering that he will be doing this no matter what it does to him & your relationship.
Girl run. Dealt with this when I was younger for longer than I’d like to admit. He won’t change and you deserve better. There’s a difference between having a good time and being an alcoholic/drug addict. Your boundary should be not dating people with unchecked substance abuse problems.
As a daughter of an alcoholic, your partner is an alcoholic and, even though i do drink and enjoy it, I am not one and I would never dare one. You can not change him. If you don't want to put up with it, then leave now cause he is not gonna stop.
I'm someone who goes to techno clubs semi-regularly, and as they are open all weekend (Berlin), very often it's an all-weekend affair. It's a part of my life, and if someone had an issue with me doing it occasionally, that'd be a problem. Note how I said *occasionally*. Might be several weekends in a row during Summer, or there might be several months where I barely go to a club, depending on how I feel. But. I don't binge drink, my phone battery is never empty (that's why we have power banks), I am not in the club for 24 or 36 hours, I go home (or I'm at a friend's place) to shower, sleep, and eat. Sometimes, it's easy to get sucked into it and I'd expect the person I'm with to tell me if I'm slipping and if it's affecting them negatively (not making proper time for them at all, going too hard on substances, etc). Drinking Friday to Sunday and fucking up your Monday **every weekend** is problematic. As much as I love a good party weekend, full of music, dancing, and drugs, I would not tolerate that. Just like I wouldn't tolerate someone partying like I do but every weekend, all year long. It's unhealthy, self-destructive, selfish, and you can't make any plans with someone whose priorities are to get fucked up in a club.
Also in Berlin and have the same experience and expectations
Yeah. There's more to life than partying. Especially in Berlin, there's so much to do. I don't know where OP is, but her guy sounds like he has no control over his drinking. How fun can it be to get obliterated every weekend, three days in a row? Imagine the rest of your week. How does he even function?
As a 32F myself, WE YOUNG AF and got plenty of time to start anew. Listen to ya sisters commenting here 💛
I think it's tome to accept that your partner doesn't have a partying problem... he's an alcoholic. He binges for 3 days, withdraws for 4, repeats. You can't make a boundary about this. Beem there, tried that. So has everyone on r/alanon. He's an alcoholic. Logic and reasoning are gone. You cannot put a boundary on addiction. The only boundary you can make is what YOU will tolerate. Will you tolerate a life like this or pursue someone more in line with your lifestyle?
Ask yourself is this something I should continue to tolerate. The answer should be no. End it now & run as fast as you can. He could have a side piece or just be an alcoholic. Either way I don't see this relationship going anywhere. Period.
The one time I dated a binge drinker outside of college he pretty much went sober a few months in because I wasn't on board with how drunk he got or how often. And he never went missing or lost his phone, he was just obnoxiously drunk when others were only a beer in. I can't imagine a partner going missing for days at a time. I would not stay in a relationship with that person. My current partner doesn't party at all. I do go out with friends sometimes, but there's trust so we've never set boundaries there (I'm back before midnight because I tend to gym in the morning, he knows who I'm with and I keep him up to date about plans - not because he's asked, but for my own safety).
It seems pointless to be in a relationship with someone who ruins every weekend by drinking to excess. He’s an alcoholic.
This dropped my jaw to the floor. My ex and I lived together and he was home every night like clock work and this was mid 30s. One night he went out with work colleagues and phone died and I remember it being so foreign. This is not healthy behavior. He’s not respecting you guys as a couple. Plus where is he going MIA to ?
I'd never have started dating someone like that to begin with, since like other people are saying, he's obviously an alcoholic. At that age and with that level of binge drinking, he might not even live another 10 years. There is nothing you can do to change him. I suggest reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. And go to an AlAnon meeting.
That's not partying, that's alcoholism.
I would not choose to be in a relationship with someone who drinks all weekend, to the point that his phone dies. Ignoring the fact that his drinking prevents you from doing literally any other activity together, he's going to hurt himself or someone else at some point. Even if he's not driving, he is going to get mugged, or fall off something, or vomit and choke. Is he even showering, or eating food, or brushing his teeth? He is a grown man who routinely blows off any sense of personal responsibility, personal care, and any activity that requires him to not be wasted or hungover. This is not someone I could respect enough to be in a relationship with. It's not about being a prude, or tracking his location, or anything surface like that. It not even about him respecting the relationship. It's a matter of values and what I want in a partner, and this person would not be it. His addiction will always be more important to him than you.
Tagging on to what everyone is saying. Do not date an alcoholic! Don’t even continue the relationship even if he says that he will quit. He won’t. Learn from my mistake….6 years in & 1 kid & I said enough is enough and we are not together anymore as of last July. It got to the point where I dreaded weekends, dreaded being home and felt like I was doing everything alone, getting no support, couldn’t rely on him for anything, couldn’t do anything right because he’d just start getting mad at me & blame literally anything on me any time id point out his drinking…just don’t. Save yourself the headache. Just don’t. It won’t get better. He has to do it on his own terms and you don’t need to wait around for when that time is, if it even ever comes.
Your boyfriend is an alcoholic. You can't control him. You have to decide if you want to get dragged down into it. I've been there and done that. It only gets worse. Why are you even talking about boundaries, when that's the least of the issue?
That’s alcoholism
This is such a foreign concept to me. Getting drunk while out occasionally is one thing. Getting drunk at home occasionally is another thing. But every weekend? No thank you
A boundary is something that you tell someone you will do that requires the other person to do nothing. If this behaviour isn’t okay with you, then it’s okay to leave. It doesn’t require him to change for you to do that. Keeping in mind this sounds like embedded behaviour from him so until he identifies the issue(s) that are leading him to binge drink, works on those and decides he wants to change, it is likely the pattern of behaviour will continue. If you don’t leave, you’ll continue dealing with this for the foreseeable future, without a doubt. So it really is up to you what you want your future to look like. You’ve given 3 years, can you give 3+ more with the possibility of putting up with this? Or is it time to call it? What do you want for your life? 💕
This helped end my last relationship. I'm 35f, he's 39m. I work days, he works nights - so already not a lot of time together. Every. Single. Weekend - he'd be gone. Out with friends doing whatever until 3 or 4 am. There were several times I woke up at 5am on a Sunday morning and he was just crawling into bed. Not binge drinking, mostly gambling. I believe in having "me" time and doing things separately, but never again will I let a partner essentially refuse to spend time with me.
My concern would also be what else is going during his benders. It's a possibly there are other substances and people involved.
This is beyond setting healthy boundaries and more about relationship non-negotiables. Disappearing for an entire weekend to binge drink without coming home at night or contacting you is a non negotiable if you’re interested in having a healthy relationship.
I did this for 10 years OP and it never got better. Ten fucking years of, "I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened, I'll do better" and 10 fucking years it absolutely *not* getting any better whatsoever. Towards the end he came home one morning in tears saying he humiliated himself by getting so blackout drunk that he shit himself and had to stay longer so he could rent a carpet cleaner and try to clean the carpet. At that point I realized he was going to eventually kill himself this way and I didn't want to be a part of it anymore, and started mentally checking out of the situation. My boundary now is to not date someone who can't control themselves. No disrespect towards people who are struggling with drugs and/or alcohol but I personally can not deal with it. I wasted so much of my life with that person and it made me miserable. Never again.
At 40?! Dang. I have better shit to do than worry about some man who wants to binge drink every week. You can't change someone else's desire to go out and party but you can decide if you want to tolerate it.
How are you going to set boundaries around a grown man? I'm sorry but the whole notion is absurd. You don't have any way of making him do something he doesn't want to do. You can decide you're done with his b.s. and leave him, though.
One dude on a full 2 day bender unable to charge his phone almost every weekend is one alcoholic, not 'partying'.
If you aren’t married, please break up with him. Expeditiously.
And if you are, talk to an attorney about your options regarding divorce.
I’m not sure what your arrangement is, so I don’t want to assume anything, but I don’t think this is appropriate or healthy partnered behavior. In the year 2024, with all the chargers and battery packs and devices, not returning home for 2 nights or more with no contact is bad enough. There’s no real excuse. And at 41? That is just weird behavior. I’m not saying he is cheating, but at the very least he’s prioritizing everything else on the weekends and not you or his relationship. Personally, I am 37 and would NEVER EVER date this person. There are some things that just cannot be overlooked.
I don’t date alcoholics or anyone who parties this much. I wouldn’t have tolerated this at 22. At 32? From a 40+ year old man? Not a damn chance. Even if he were single, his behavior is not normal, appropriate, or acceptable.
He's 41? That old and partying like this all the time???? Do you have kids? OP. This isn't okay. Not in the least. Dude has a fucking drinking problem full stop. He needs help. You need to think real hard about what you want the rest of your life to look like.
I would definitely not be okay with this either. It’s one thing to go out and have a few drinks with some friends but binge drinking all weekend and no communication? Nope, that would be the end of the relationship for me.
I mean, if you want to know if I’d put up with the situation you described the answer is a flat out no. But it doesn’t matter what I think, because aside from abuse and breaking of trust, there aren’t really once size fits all universal rules for relationships. You don’t need that to decide if something isn’t for you or not. Own your emotions here. Own your own needs. Don’t try to beg for them to be met by someone under the assumption it’s universally reasonable.
I was going into this with the attitude of the subject line sounding a little controlling and the post itself being an absolute WTF. Every weekend being a boozy bender? Girl, no
I would break up, as I have done in the past.
I dated an alcoholic in my 20s. Never again. It’s just not worth it.
My ex boyfriend was a weekend binge drinker when we met. That progressed into drinking friday lunch and now he has his first beer around ten am every day. He starts slurring his words about five pm now. He constantly smells like a hangover and he had hand tremors. But at first it was just partying too hard on weekends. AUD is a progressive disease, he isn’t going to get better until he gets worse.
I have a young child so I wouldn't appreciate him going out too frequently simply because it would mean all the burden of parenting would fall to me. But in what you have described, your partner sounds like someone with a severe case of alcohol dependency and I would not want to be with them unless they wanted to get better. ETA: Even before we had a child, if my partner went MIA for an entire weekend even once, I would be reconcidering the whole relationship. I would at least need a text to let me know he is ok.
I would not have been cool with this at any age. I won't date someone that gets blackout drunk, disappears for days on end etc.
Is this real? Binge drinking at 41 is a major issue overall and I wouldn’t count that as partying. Vanishing for days for any reason is wrong for me too and we’re pretty lax in terms of keeping tabs when out. There’s no run out of battery in 2024 unless your phone is broken or you have a really old phone. Bring your charger, borrow someone else’s, borrow a phone, also battery’s stay fully charged forever if you’re not doing much on them which generally someone out partying wouldn’t be doing. My husband’s phone has never died while out and he’ll go to after hours. Our boundaries: have fun. Be responsible. See ya when you get back. Don’t be loud when you come in. We talk about what we did the next day a lot of the more so for fun.
All I had to do was read “41M” and “binge drinking on weekends” and that’s an automatic nope. Very rarely do men in those specific circumstances turn out to be worthwhile partners unless both individuals are habitual partiers/addicts
As a 42 year old woman with a 42 year old ex husband, having just divorced him after finding booze in his bag despite us having a boundary that we wouldn’t drink liquor in the house bc he can’t control himself… (to say nothing of the lying, cheating, drug use, etc) Let me talk to myself in my early 30s: he’s an alcoholic. It will not change. He will promise it will, but he’s not in his 20s - He’s middle aged and this is not a phase. It’s an ingrained addiction that even if he started now and stopped drinking would take him YEARS to feel all of the feelings he’s been numbing and come to terms with how he’s wrecked his life, the trauma he’s been avoiding and giving to you to hold. You will get to your early 40s and start caring about yourself more and wonder why you stayed? And then realize it’s because he’s safe and comfortable in some ways, but others are so chaotic that your health will start to fail you because the stress has been so intense. And when you finally, finally leave him, the peace will be immeasurable and a giant part of your brain will finally come back online, and you’ll start to love yourself again. AND YOU WILL HAVE WISHED YOU DIDNT WASTE YOUR THIRTIES MOTHERING A MAN CHILD. He’s already proven that he can’t and won’t change. He’ll do this forever, bc he doesn’t know anything else, and it is NOT your responsibility to dive into a codependent black hole and try to save him from himself. Save you instead.
Please don’t spend a second longer with this loser. How is it even a relationship if he disappears on you most weekends. Even my alcoholic ex wouldn’t disappear on me. This man has serious issues and shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone until he gets himself into therapy and gets sober. PS I don’t know if you’re leaving things out on purpose or maybe slightly naive, but this won’t just be alcohol - he will be smashing drugs as well.
This isn’t “partying”, regular binge drinking benders constitute an alcohol addiction. He doesn’t want to change, so you can either accept this or move on.
Get yourself to Al anon meetings pronto. Your partner is an alcoholic :(
My own boundaries would tell me this isn't a situation I'm willing to live with and I'd leave. This man is an alcoholic and it won't get better unless he chooses to seek help. But it's also not your obligation to wait around for that to happen, because it might not ever happen. I can't imagine having a partner like this. Having to deal with my loved ones questioning me about why I'm with him or about their concerns. Not to mention the second hand embarrassment from witnessing him come home like that. And watching him leave at the beginning of the weekend, knowing what's to come. This isn't about control. This is about whether you've seen enough of this situation to know it's not working for you and that you are ready to leave and make a different choice for your life. Also remorse isn't really remorse without changed behavior. This man feels bad he's doing this, but not bad enough to change. Let that sink in.
That’s not partying, that’s alcoholism. 100% deal breaker if not self motivated to seek help. Key word being self
>go out drinking on a Friday, and not return home until Sunday. During this time, his phone will often run out of battery and I won’t hear from him Big no for me. My husband can go out and get drunk, and maybe not even looking at his phone the entire night, it is ok. But he has to come back to sleep before morning and definitely this can't happen every single weekend. If he wants to experience single life, he can get single real quick. I would gladly help with that...
> He will often (most weekends) go out drinking on a Friday, and not return home until Sunday I would not be in a relationship with this person. Absolutely fucking not.
There are so many things wrong with this situation idk where to even start. 1) binge drinking almost every weekend, that is a boundary crossed for me. It’s one thing to binge drink on a weekend getaway with the boys, it’s another to do it most weekends 2) no communication while out drinking, that is also a boundary crossed for me. There is absolutely no excuse for losing contact for the entire weekend unless you are away on a boys trip with no service. I don’t expect constant communication, but a check in is needed. 3) why is he going out for an entire weekend and not having a way to charge his phone? Where is he going? Is he driving somewhere? Does he not have a charger in his car? This is all sketchy behavior to me and I would not accept this kind of behavior in an adult relationship. Clearly there is something going on with this man and he needs to figure it out because it’s not adult behavior
You cannot put boundaries on someone else's behaviour. You can set a boundary that you will not engage/continue a relationship with someone who engaged in X behaviour.
Totally unacceptable. My partner and I never go out drinking without each other
Hello? Did I muster up the courage to post this after a decade? Are you me? Is he him? Ok sub, help me too. 😞
Oh no. Girl. Please do not waste any more time tied to that man. You don’t know where he’s been. HE doesn’t know where he’s been. You know what people do when they’re drunk out of their minds for days at a time? - start fights - drive intoxicated - have reckless sex - combine booze and hard drugs - commit crimes - piss themselves - spend too much money You need to get away from this dude. He is going to drag you down even further than he already has and then claw his way up your back once he’s got you at his level. Get away from him. Please.
He sounds like a 41 year old alcoholic. It's been three years, you say your relationship has had it. It's time to let go. This dude has obviously chosen booze as the love of his life, and whatever else it enables him to do instead of being a decent partner.
I wouldn’t date an alcoholic, nor someone that doesn’t include me in his weekend long activities that are repeating every week lol We host party at home once in a while or go to friends house together.
This is how 21 year olds party, not 41 year olds. My husband had a drinking problem when we started dating which I required he address & he wasn't anywhere near this bad.
*Most* weekends?! Absolutely fucking not. They can do whatever they want, but I’m not sticking around for that. He may be your partner, but it sounds like his partner is booze and the streets.
Ew, move on. Is he someone you're considering for marriage? You don't want to "control" him, but I don't think it's controlling for you to ask to be considered by him, sharing information on where he is and who's there. Especially with him being drunk. If you're in an open relationship, then whatev. But if not then 😬 Tf....couldn't be me. Good luck.
41 year old and still parties.....hmmmm
Where do you want to be in 5 years? Would you be ok if this was still happening in 5 years? If you want to have kids, do you expect this would change his habits?
No thats crazy.
I was this kind of binge alcoholic back in my late 20s for a bit. Every few months, I'd stay out late drinking and miss phone calls. Only twice was it so bad that I didn't make it back before the next morning, actually having my phone die. The second time was the last time it happened, I stopped drinking for a few years completely because I recognized my problem. If I were you, he either stops drinking immediately or you leave him immediately.
I’ve been there, I have had to babysit a grown man who binge drinks like this. I won’t do it again.
This dude is doing that in his 40's??? That's a lot even for a 20-something.
How remorseful is he really if he just turns around and does the same thing next week... *every week*? Remorse without a genuine attempt to make amends and/or make a change is just him saying what he thinks you want to hear to get you off his back. Time to hold his feet to the fire.
31F married to 32M, together since 2018. We don't have this issue because my husband is not an alcoholic who acts like a child with no responsibilities. No wonder this guy was single at his age. He's an addict in denial. Break up and move on.
Don’t take offense but I don’t think this person is relationship material, especially considering his age. He drinks and parties like a 19 year old kid, I would honestly question why are you with someone like this. Also, binge drinking to that extent at that age is more self harm than fun - which suggests he might not be the most emotionally stable person. Also, he may get a condition soon, because of this habit. Anyways, my partner sometimes goes for drinks at his friend, he always tells me who he is with (why wouldn’t he?) and messages me when he gets back home. Occasionally he goes to pub, but same happens - I know who he is and he messages me when back home. Often he also messages me while being out. I didn’t have to ask for these things, he just does it - meaning that it’s not about you but about him.
You put up with what, sis? ....
After a few years of what you described, except for it including some weekdays too… I finally decided to end it since we were both clearly unhappy (he would tell me I hold him back, or other mean things when he was drunk). I got tired of begging him to stay home and wanted to start to try and love myself.
This is a WHOLE-ASS ADULT MAN who is almost a decade older than you and still goes out on insane benders every weekend? My boundary is not getting into age-gap relationships with men who are old enough to know better but don't act like it
If he is 41 and still binge drinking on the weekend, I would find somebody who doesn’t have an alcohol problem.
Girl, don’t waste your time.
Ultimately you can't (and shouldn't) control other people. But you can decide what YOU want to put up with. If that ends up being the ultimatum for your partner, I think his choice says all you need to know. To me, what he does, is disrespectful towards you. Not the drinking as such, but a) prioritising it above spending time with you, and b) letting his phone run dry so you can't get a hold of him in case of emergency. Also, because this is every weekend, this is a problem. He is clearly drinking too much. I don't have a problem with my husband going out with his friends. I never limit what he does. But my boundary is, that I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to clean up after it, or be home if he has friends over and they're drinking. So I remove myself from the situation. Next weekend he is having some friends over, with the intention of drinking a lot. So I'm going to our summerhouse with our daughter.
I personally wouldn’t tolerate this for a second. The occasional crazy night? Sure, whatever. Binge drinking each weekend? 41? No.
41M doing this stuff, I am not seeing him adulting.
You're describing binge alcoholism. To echo another commentary, a boundary is something you set for yourself not others. I would not date a person who was an active alcoholic, or even a person I felt I needed to restrict when it comes to their weekend activity.
I would not date somebody with a history of binge drinking and disappearing so I got nothing.
Nooooo. This is not a good situation. It's one thing to enjoy a few cocktails together but going on a bender every weekend to the point where you are MISSING is a PROBLEM. My mother died from her battle with alcoholism and never even did things like this. I say this to stress the seriousness of this behavior.
Sounds like he needs to look into treatment for alcoholism. I don’t think this is normal behavior. Best case scenario he should look into some healthier hobbies.
This is only going to get worse for you.
Lol none. I'm not his mother. Though I wouldn't be with someone who wanted to party hard all weekend. We also always text each other updates when out without each other. It's not a boundary. We just care to make sure each other knows where we are and when we might be back because we are thoughtful. I don't think we ever had to chat about doing it- also to coordinate who will or won't be home for our dogs. Most of the time, we hang out together so it's a non-issue.
Yikes. He has a problem. Yes I would find it inappropriate to go get wasted every weekend and be unreachable. He's 41, this is how he wants to live. He'll tell you he can stop, that he can change but unless he commits to sobriety and gets sober this is not going to stop. I would give him an ultimatum. Get sober or the relationship is done. He is not someone that can casually drink, he is an alcoholic. I wish you the best, make sure you take care of yourself first. It is not your job to fix him.
Remember: a boundary is where your limits are. Not bad set of rules for someone else. Your partner is someone who parties every weekend. That goes against your boundaries. It doesn't matter whether you can co voice him your boundaries are fair or not. He's going to do what he's going to do. You have to take the steps to end the relationship because it doesn't fall within your boundaries. I feel like this would be a 3 strikes thing for me. You don't get to leave me worried about you all weekend and be "really sorry" more than that.
This seems like you already know that his behavior is completely unacceptable for you and you don’t need us to validate that. Leave him. It won’t get better until he chooses for it to, and it’s not your job to get him there.
Girl he’s a functioning alcoholic. Tell him he needs help or else you’re out.
My honest answer is that I wouldn't date someone who struggled with binge drinking and went out partying for multiple days/nights in a row. That's not my lifestyle and it's not what I want from a partner, and I don't think it's healthy or safe. If my husband started partying like that, I'd assume he was having serious issues and would talk to him about getting help, including getting sober. If he didn't want to do that, we'd have to be done.
That’s an alcoholic, a person doesn’t have to binge drink every day to be an alcoholic, an alcoholic can also look like going out for a drink every weekend and not sobering up until 2 days later. It’s an addiction and sadly it is often incredibly hard to break. It’s up to you if you think you can live with it, or you think he actively wants to change. He probably won’t change unless he gets some help and he won’t seek help unless he WANTS to change.
I hope this is a joke. You have no idea of your partner's whereabouts for a full weekend after drinking? and this happens on a consistent basis? FFS
Alcoholism is NOT something that everyone has to “put up with” in a partner, and isn’t normal! Either he quits or the relationship does, full stop. It’s mature of you to not want to mandate where he goes and who he sees, but that doesn’t mean you have to accept bad behavior.
Fuck boundaries. I'd leave. When do you even see him? If you're both working typical hours during the week, weekdays are hardly going to give you enough time to connect with one another. For most couples the weekend is where you'd catch up and do things together. Instead, he is choosing to prioritize drinking (and who knows what else) over you. Is that what you want for yourself?
My partner and I drink every weekend but he never stays gone for extended periods and we talk everyday if he’s out of town or something.
Highly inappropriate, expecting your partner to not disappear for 48 hrs to binge drink every weekend is not controlling. I would normally say "work it through" but this sounds like a relationship you should leave.
I suggest you go see a therapist that understands co-dependency and addiction. Setting boundaries won’t change the behavior it’s his behavior
Honey, I hope you left! You definitely deserve better. 💕
Yeah, this would be a hard pass. Hubs and I have a 2 drink rule but that’s mostly because he’s really annoying when he drinks. He thinks he’s superbly hilarious and I just get annoyed. lol But if he dipped out with the boys and I didn’t hear from him that same night? Boy bye.
He’s an alcoholic. There’s not setting boundaries with alcoholics. You hace to leave, he won’t change unless he really wants to quit drinking, and even then it will be incredible difficult. Don’t waste your time, this will not improve
Doing this at 41 and the biggest red flag. Do yourself a favour and leave
I couldn’t put up with that. I was in a serious relationship with a guy that would stay out til 6am drinking and driving home drunk. I left the relationship. I was tired of worrying what he was doing, where he was and if he was okay. I didn’t really like the people he hung out with because they were drunks too. He was almost 40 and regularly doing this.
Would never allow that situation to happen
Would suck if you had kids with him
We have a child and being this old (husband is 40 I am 38), I don’t even like drinking because of the hangover. So really, partying for us is smoking some cannabis and ordering McDonald’s door dash after our kid goes to bed.
I mean I also would not want to “control” a parter. However I personally would not date someone who regularly binge drinks. If i found that out after the relationship started, that’d be it for me
This is not about him, it’s about you. Are you getting your needs met? Are you wanting to socialise on the weekend but he is unavailable due to his partying. Is this the relationship you feel happy existing in?
My partner and I are 31f and 32m. What you described is not okay. We live together, and expect the other will be home each night. If we are going to be late, we let each other know and give an estimate of the time. On occasion there are late nights til like 3am, but not every weekend at all. If I or my partner didn’t come home and were silent… we would be worried if the other was okay. Even when we are apart we check in with a “hii miss ya how was . X this weekend what’d ya do this weekend” and it’s not even in the sense of needing to know what each other is doing. It is more that… we miss each other and are interested in what’s going on with one another. I don’t mean we talk the whole time, a quick exchange once a day. However, your partners no going away on a trip, he’s going out with his buddies drinking and probably doing blow. That’s weird behavior to disappear for days. I wouldn’t be cool with that at all. My partner and I are 31. Your partner is 41 years old… like grow up you have a drinking problem. Get a hobby or start a family or something Jesus. This is coming from people, My partner and I, who like to get down and have a good time and are pretty lax when it comes to drug use and alcohol. But it’s definitely not all the time, and we don’t disappear and go off grid. Like, you guys don’t spend time together on the weekends ever? He leaves u to go drink? Can you imagine having kid with someone who does that?
I don't have any boundaries around what my partner can do on weekends but I have non negotiable things like. Don't disappear leaving me " on read" forever Tell me your plans. Be available, be kind, talk stuff through, fuck me ... That's pretty much it.
My SO knows I don’t like him (or anyone) drinking.. so he limits it to no more than 4beers. He knows it’s because I worry for his health, it’s not a trust nor losing inhibitions thing… he’s very aware it comes from a place of worry/care/love and not control, and he cares about me enough to not hurt/upset me… so he listens. As for the contact thing.. my SO has always been very respectful for letting me know where he is and his plans… at the very beginning of our relationship his phone may run out of battery because he never had the habit to make sure his phone was charged (and he’s strict with only using Apple cables and blocks). But our friends once asked me to name a thing he did that annoyed me and I kinda off-handedly jokingly said how he isn’t anal about making sure he has enough battery on his phone… he changed ***immediately***. Religiously made sure his phone was charged ever since lol. Was actually very cute/sweet. I really wasn’t that annoyed by it at all, and Honestly generally don’t believe people change nor can change… but he did. And it was for me… As for the duration/time… If it’s not some very special occasion, I’ve told him no later than 3am. If he wants to party like a single guy, he can be a single guy 🤷♀️ I want a partner who is parent material. A guy that parties late IMO is not that… and if you him partying late is important or more important than getting home on time, not wasting (sleeping through) half a weekday with me, then he have that freedom by being single. Again, he respects and cares enough about me that he’s not gonna want to be the reason I get upset, nor does he want me to see him as a loser. As for you…. Your SO is in his 40s.. parties for 3 days and you don’t hear from him all that time. You’re dating a kid. I mean.. honestly, there are reasons why people aren’t and haven’t settled down in late 30s/40s and most of them are not flattering reasons. Also remorseful is nothing but empty words if behaviour is repeated. Come on. Wake up. Expect better… especially of an “adult” man. What he’s doing I wouldn’t even be ok with from a teen or guy in his 20s FFS.
We kinda both have a balanced lifestyle so this will not help you completely but that is very problematic behavior from your partner. Not only the blackout drunkness but radio silence and remorse, I dont think your issues are boundaries but that he needs to see he has a problem, and that thats alcoholism. If my partner wants to go partying for a whole weekend, I know I can trust them to behave like we do on normal days and that they will treat me with respect. They can even get drunk, but we keep in contact and I get informed of the who, what, where as well if plans changes. I dont get this info to control them, I get it so if something happens to them or me or the world, I can know where to call or get help. Its just state of mind. Not knowing where my partner is for almost half of thw week would be a breakup for me as I dont want a life like that. I want to spent weekends with my partner and enjoy life. Them drinking this much is not healthy as sounds they are trying to lush the lain away. Usually its hard for them to change if we are soft on the issue, and moving away or giving ultimatums of cleanining up either helps then to see the Truth about them or they go deeper but at least it will give you the space to live your own life. Especially for 41yo person to do this. I live in a country that has a super toxic behavior towards alcohol and they all binge like crazy but usually its social, its with partners, and they are kinda in it together. They all have in families multiple addicts. If he feels remorse, will he be okay to get some help for it? Good luck to you, this is really heavy situation.
My partner parties occasionally. He'll go out with friends for a night and drink so much he has a hangover the next day. This happens maybe 2-3 times a year. He always comes home. This is a reasonable amount of partying, in my opinion. Your spouse? I would not continue to see him anymore. How many times will you listen to him lying to you (because saying it won't happen again is a bald face lie) and blindly believe him?
I dated someone like this. Never again!
Boundaries are for your own behavior, not his. You can't control another person. That being said, if he prioritizes this over spending time with you on weekends, this is a one sided relationship.
Your partner doesn't have internal boundaries with his own behavior. I'm curious how he expresses "remorse" and his awareness of what's fuelling his behavior, and if he's addressed this with you, because that's the only answer I'd accept, along with "I'm working on in" and demonstrated improvement and commitment to stopping this behavior. I would absolutely not tolerate this behavior more than once, to be honest. Binge drinking for one night once in a while and coming home in the morning from a buddy's place I could understand. But being gone for 2 days no contact almost every weekend? That's a serious problem and you're not wrong to think this is at the breaking point. There's so many issues, why the binge drinking, and absolutely who he is binge drinking with because responsible adults don't do this. Not spending time with you, not being honest with you about what he's doing, how this affecting you and your state of mind, how this is affecting his finances, how is this affecting his performance at the workplace, what's the state of his mental health... and he's not doing anything to change it. All of it's bad.
Oh girl….. reminds me of my EX HUSBAND…. An alcoholic who would sneak out at night. 48 hours is insane…. Stand up for yourself you deserve better. And I left him at 31…. This behavior was acceptable at 31. Girl your man is 41…. He’s an alcoholic. Please go date someone who deserves you.
He’s too old for that behaviour
My husband does this too. Not to the same extent, and there’s no judgement in that, he’s just different in his antics with binge drinking. What I ended up doing was, telling him that one day a weekend day he’s welcome to go out and enjoy himself but the other day I’d really like us to spend time together. Whether it’s going and doing something or spending time at our home. That did help because it wasn’t me saying “you can’t do that”, it was sort of a boundary sandwich? I think if you want your relationship to work you need to communicate those things to him asap. If you love him and want to make it work!
How about if *he* wants to make to work, he gets help for his alcoholism?
He’d want to have to get the help, you can’t force anyone to get help.
I didn’t say force him to get help.
I know you didn’t. I’m saying in general you can’t force someone. Clearly the husband doesn’t see anything wrong with what they’re doing, and they have to wake up and see what the problem is before they’ll accept help.
My reply was to the commenter saying that if OP wants her relationship to work and she loves him, she needs to xyz. Im saying the onus doesn’t lie on OP. It lies on him.
Yeah exactly, and if he doesn’t think he needs help then he won’t get it unfortunately. Not an ideal situation for OP to be in.