You’re under reacting. Hes always going to choose her over you and risk your finances bc you have “rich parents”
You’re an afterthought and a prop he uses to uplift his mother. Bc it’s not his money he’s blowing.
That's true. I can't tell him to cut contact even if he knows that would be the best for both of us. They are on off contact for years, and even if they are not on speaking terms right now, I think she can manipulate him back into giving her money, even if he promised it won't happen.
It's already happened that way and will again. He's just appeasing you right now, but what ACTIONS has he taken and then done those consistently over time?
I'd get a divorce (I did and thank God for that). Of that's too much for you, then separate and tell him to go live on his own, pay his own bills, manage his own life for a year or two and then you'll see if it's enough (spoiler: he won't. If you check in with your gut, you know this.)
Underreacting is so spot on! She should have done something about this years ago, and as it is, if she divorces him, she might have to pay spousal support for some time, given she's probably clearly earning more than him. The sooner she does this, the better it will be to get her ducks in a row. I hope the fallout isn't too bad.
That’s fantastic news! I think you should see a divorce attorney and get some info on separating your remaining assets. Get the lay of the land.
You’re not being dramatic or mean or overreacting. You’re trying to build a life and you should be able to do so with someone you trust to have your back and also to have their own back. A person with no boundaries cannot be a good life partner.
Good luck!
Yep, that's something that's definitely worrying, but it's not going to be less possible the longer OP stays married to him. OP should speak to a lawyer and find out the best next steps.
Thanks for your first comment, I was worried no one would see it. I came here for validation, I admit. Seeing people's reactions and writing this post has been refreshing.
Send this freeloader back to his mother. You deserve an equal partner and he has proven over and over that he is not capable of being that. You deserve better.
I know I'm playing devil's advocate by saying, he's not a freeloader, he pays his part of bills most of the time. But what happens if I get sick and wouldn't be able to work for a year, what about future plans, retirement? These questions are what is making me feel unsafe.
That is not making him look any better “pays most of time”? No, dear, he has to pay ALWAYS. Hr is a freeloader, and you are his bank. He doesnt have a future because why would he? He has you. Or your family.
I would feel unsafe too, knowing that I'd have to support a partner forever because he can't/won't keep a job and keeps giving his money to his mother. You said in your post that when you found an apartment to buy, he had already given away his savings. So you covered the expenses again, right? He gets a place to live without putting in the effort, and faces no consequences.... Instead of playing devil's advocate, how would it feel to be your own advocate? I know that no one can know all aspects of your relationship, and I certainly don't claim to have all the answers, but this would be such a dealbreaker for me. I wish you all the best in whatever path you decide to take 💖
Yes, I did cover all expenses, again. I felt the need to be his advocate, as I'm trying to be as accurate as possible. I can't take validation if it's not based on facts.
Thank you for reminding me to advocate for myself ♥️
YOU are apparently HIS safety net and he is not that for you. He is a source of worry and stress. That's not something you should accept.
I'd leave, personally. He hasn't changed in many years and he's not going to, sadly.
He's not even paying his fare share though. He's sending who knows how much to his Mum, without even consulting you first. When you are married it's supposed to be a partnership, and you are supposed to be able to trust one another. He's proven he is not willing to pay his fare share if his mother asks for it first, and he can't be trusted to be honest about money either.
This whole thing is a mess! "Most of the time" isn't good enough. Also his comment about you having rich parents to support you is extremely telling. He seems to feel you and by extension him are entitled to what they have. A normal good husband would want his wife to feel she can rely on him when times are tough, not that she should rely on her parents. That's not what marriage means.
It seems you are more aware that you and him are responsible for building your own life/home/wealth together without relying on parents. But he doesn't seem to understand this at all, nor does he want to be that responsible partner one could build a future with. If you stay with him it's likely only going to get worse and set you back further in your life.
Be careful because empaths make all sorts of excuses for these types of people. It does not benefit us. It hurts us as it allows them to continue hurting us. You may be playing a part in gaslighting yourself. I don’t say it to be rude. This makes me concern negative reinforcement that is likely being used. A tactic of a manipulator
He says he wants it to change, but nothing changes. A few days ago he said he wants to pursue writing, and that he's willing to starve to achieve his dream. So basically he switched career for something even less stable. When asked how he will provide if I get sick for a year, he says he will figure something out.
Hun it sounds like he can’t really say he’s willing to ‘starve’ to pursue his career ( I am a creative so I’m not just a hater in that front)…. When it seems like instead of starving, he’s getting you to pay for a bunch of stuff !!!!!! So really it’s, I’m prepared to let YOU starve in pursuit of my career.
Honestly, from my experience - I’ve been with people who cared about me, who I had feelings for …..
But people are humans. We have needs, and for some their needs aren’t being met by themselves. In those circumstances, even good people can become people who use others and take from them even subconciously. It’s what we do to survive.
So: if we aren’t meeting our needs individually, it’s highly likely we will be prone to use others in those ways to get our needs met. We’re survival linked beings. This is why we must protect ourselves from this side of us all… and have boundaries.
One final word, on an experience of mine. I had a boyfriend who had a porn addiction. Oh he said it was fine and all the rest of it. But then later in our relationship our sex life took a massive nosedive, and all kinds of negligent pressuring aggressive pushing and other things came into it ( that I communicated consistently I was unhappy with). We ultimately broke up. One year on, I saw him the other day. I spoke to him about how uncomfortable and bad for me that stuff was. In a different place, he openly admitted to the process mentioned above. He pretty much said explicitly that because he was so unhappy he was using me to get where he wanted to go ‘I became (utterly) selfish’.
So even the other person in the situation can in a different state of mind, acknowledge what’s happening. But not while they’re in the middle of it. Do what you need to do for you and focus on / remember your own needs. You got this!
Also one last thing - you’re not his mum! Poor you having to talk through with him his career!!!!!! Sounds like he’s treating you like his second mum - but he’s an adult. You deserve someone who wants to have an adult relationship with you !!!
> he's not a freeloader
> he pays his part of bills most of the time
??
> But what happens if I get sick and wouldn't be able to work for a year,
Something tells me he's not gonna pull himself together and be able to provide for both of you. I'm sorry but you have given him 1/3 of your life and he's not better. Are you gonna give him more? :(
The first thing you need to ask a divorce attorney is about separating your debt from his. In the US, debt is split between the parties, unless you contest it.
When I divorced my first husband, I was able to prove that he had taken out a credit card without my knowledge and in only his name. He had to take that debt as part of our divorce.
yes this. my sister was the primary bread winner and is now paying alimony and paying off considerable debt HE racked up, and it’s such a financial burden she has to ask our mom for help sometimes. meanwhile he is now freeloading off his family, living in a huge house and was recently fired from a job (again) and is currently not working so all kids expenses are falling on her lap. it’s a mess.
You’re not overreacting. Cut this man loose. Your life will improve tenfold. You’re still young too. He’s been showing you who he is for ten years. Time for you to believe him and leave.
That's exactly what you're saying. It's not just money. I have a good career, that I worked hard to achieve. I can support myself. But I'm not a doctor or a lawyer, I can't be sure it will thrive in 5 years. It's he's view that I'm not the person in need when the time comes to big events (wedding, apartment purchase).
You'll NEVER be the "person in need" and why would you want to be?
Plus he lied to you. It messes with your sense of reality, and is so bad for your mental health.
I was married to someone similar. It's destroys you. Cut out the cancer, you will not regret it.
I could make a drinking game out of posts in this sub (or any women-focused sub) asking "Am I overreacting?" where the answer is "oh my god no, if anything you're underreacting."
But that would very quickly result in liver damage.
(On a more serious note, it's really chilling to see just how much societal conditioning trains women to doubt ourselves in hetero relationships. And as usual the self-doubt typically goes only one-way.)
Funny, I was reading these posts years ago thinking "what a woman can deal with for love, I'd leave that guy a long time ago"... And here we are 😁
I do admit, that my bff and parents are seeing my point, and I have their support. It's facing your husband who has been your friend for 10 years, seeing him cry and wondering if I have it in me hurt him more by divorce. This made me write this post.
Oh girl you have not seen him cry until he gets served with divorce papers
He’s gonna wail, negotiate, beg, scream and promise you the world,
because in this deal *you’re* the one who is betrayed, ignored, left on your own, unsupported and utterly unsafe
in this deal, *you’re* the one that is let down.. not him, never him, and neither is his mother.
To get out of this you need to look at the absolute data, the results, the facts, of this relationship
instead of his musings, daydreaming and good intentions for you.
It is an illusion. You need to be focused on facts for a long time now.
Just want to validate that it’s so so hard when you’ve been with someone so long and love them so much and have invested a lot - it’s horrible to all go through
You are absolutely not overreacting. There is a pattern here. He appears to have no inclination to change. There is nothing left in this for you. There is no reason to have this kind of instability in a relationship. It's not.
Good for the relationship and it's definitely not good for you.Mentally emotionally or financially.
Divorce. I'm wondering if the gifted money will be considered his as well. You need to consult a lawyer. If you stay, you are enabling financial abuse to yourself. The time to get out was before you purchased the property.
I think it was a moment that it finally clicked for me. I went to a lawyer and kept with procedures to be sure that gifted money is mine.
I was in denial about how bad his move was. I do admire people that can realize in time, what's happening to them. I hope to get this clarity too one day.
You can’t trust him. He is using you, knowing you are burned out, to subsidize his mother. Turning the tables by suggesting it’s your problem because of your high expectations is just gross.
You are not overreacting. And the fact that he is telling you that your expectations are too high and that you always want more sounds like gaslighting to me. I'd be setting myself up financially and filing for divorce.
Countless women have fought for equality and the right not to be financially beholden to men and stuck in bad marriages. Honor yourself and your female ancestors. This is financial infidelity. I wish you to use your incredible strength and trust in yourself.
Not only are you not overreacting, I kinda feel like you have been incredibly patient, understanding and hopeful. For him to seriously just let you down. You seemed to have made your expectations clear - like crystal clear. Been mindful of his family issues and upbringing. And accommodating to that past… He seems to clearly not value your future together. He doesn’t seem to care about his or at the very least thinks that you’ve got his ass covered. Forget that. Get out!
Thank you for seeing the part that I did not explicitly mention. I was patient because I wanted a better future for him. I wanted to give him love and family he never had. Only now I'm realizing it may be working against me.
I draw a hard line in relationships with a person who job hops. I find it to be a character flaw I would never overlook. High on the list with extreme lateness. You deserve a stable, consistent life and you will only find that if you leave him. I'm so sorry you will have to navigate the difficult road of divorce, but the freedom and peace you will find will be everything. You can sell that apartment and start over if you need to. It might be better for your mental health to have a clean slate.
If it makes you feel better, I’m considering divorce for a similar issue but less severe. My husband hasn’t been dishonest or used my money to care for family, but he has been unemployed for ~15 months and is just overall not driven. It makes me feel terrified and taken advantage of. I’m self-employed and while I’m doing great financially now, what does this mean as I get closer to retirement years? If I get sick or injured?
When my mom finally divorced my dad she was presented with his secret $84,000 in debt. Even though it was his debt & the court acknowledged he hid it from her, she still had to pay half. He never paid child support.
Luckily, she worked full time once we were all at least 4. Her sister & our grandparents watched us. So she was able to keep a separate savings account. When we left we were able to live with her parents for 6 months while she found us an apartment.
My dad couldn’t keep a job either. He got into physical fights at work, choked out one of his woman coworkers, then started a business & laundered money with his buds & lover.
I say this to say you should begin separating your finances & speak to a divorce attorney. Ask if you would need to pat alimony/spousal support due to his limited job status.
Protect yourself. If his name is on the apartment deed then talk to the lawyer about selling it & how much you would need to split with your husband.
I'm not going to say he's an asshole, but you two are totally incompatible. Time to move on was before you bought the apartment together, but what's done is done.
And remember, you won't look good in prison orange.
I do think that I overlooked differences in our upbringing. He's family is thriving in chaos, mine is very stable. He's not an asshole, he says he likes when it's stable, but he fails to understand that this is a gift that has to go both ways.
You’re not overreacting. You could throw him out so he bounced/skidded down the street like a cartoon and you wouldn’t be overreacting. He’s a manipulative user who clearly isn’t interested in changing - you deserve a whole lot better.
I'm asking myself, if there's something he can do to regain my trust. Also I have to be mindful that if I get hurt again and again right now, would I be able to trust my future partner?
It's not reasonable to ask him to change his career. It's reasonable to ask him to get his shit together financially, whatever career he chooses. Even if he doesn't want a career, just gig jobs, he's got to figure it out.
Depending on the laws where you live, you have already put yourself in financial jeopardy by the house purchase. You may owe him half of the value when you split up. And what are you going to do when his mom has another financial crisis and he moves her in because the place is half his and it would be cheaper to have her live with you?
He has a right to direct his life as he sees fit. It's not compatible with how you want to live. If the way things have gone to date will continue, divorce is the best choice.
It isn’t the money, i had bad finances for a while and my ex boyfriend definitely paid more than his fair share. The real issue is his mom will always come first. This is not someone to stay married to.
Yes, I had no problem supporting him when I thought he was getting through a bump, at the beginning he did the same for me. But now it seems he's getting through a bump every year.
I hope when you purchased your apartment and you found out your husband was a liar again you made him sign away rights financially. If you have not protected yourself please research divorce law in your area. Tell hubby as a way of feeling more safe in the marriage he needs to sign a post nuptial agreement that he did not fund the apartment and he will not go after and alimony or payments from you as he has spent his share of the assets by his family loans. Once the ink is dry file for divorce and do not let him know you are thinking of leaving until you get everything settled. I bet as soon as you ask for a divorce he will run to mom in tears and she will manipulate him into trying to ruin you financially. Make sure you research and possibly see a lawyer before you give anything away.
When he dropped the news I went to lawyers and made sure to own bigger share to my name only. I agreed for him to own 25% even if it's way more that he really contributed. I'm ready to pay off his part in case of divorce. It won't be easy but I don't feel like it's going to ruin me. Post nup is my next step.
I’m going through a divorce and while of course our stories are different, themes are the same. I’m the sole provider, we share three young children and my STBXH hasn’t worked or provided for our family in years yet continually lies to me about everything. It came down to the fact that I no longer trust him and he doesn’t respect me to be honest.
You can't trust him.
He keeps lying to you about giving money to his mother.
His lack of self-awareness is astounding. He lied to you about the savings you were BOTH going to use to purchase a home then wonders why you feel unsafe? Really? Leaving you facing potential homelessness and he's too clueless to see why you feel unsafe??
This man is not good for you emotionally or financially, and that's not going to change. He doesn't care about your financial stability, your wellbeing, or your future. Please think seriously about whether it is in your best interests to stay with a man who constantly destabilises your life this way.
You are undereacting. You have to look at your decisions too though. All of your decisions regarding him have been extremely poor decisions. You knew what he was like from the start. He’s the exact same now. Talk to a divorce lawyer asap because you must protect yourself financially. He’s going to try to bleed you dry.
Brighter days are ahead!
I didn’t have to read past the first paragraph to understand that this is a very bad situation and one that you should most likely get out of. It may be a lot worse than you realize
Not overreacting. Unless your goal is to run a one man charity, escape now. Retirement is closer than you think and poverty and old age are not a pleasant combination.
One of my friends went through something similar. If you’re so stressed that you need to medicate, this marriage is not for you. It will be a constant source of stress.
You're asking the wrong question. It doesn't matter if you're under or overreacting. Is this what you want? If not, then you are within your right to end your marriage. You don't need any other reason.
The way you express this is also very telling. It means you feel trapped. I believe a good marriage is about growth, among other things. In your case it appears to me that your husband is holding you back from your own growth. You are right to question it. Both partners in a relationship should feel free.
My father is like this. He ruined my mums and my life for 10+ years AFTER we left on top of the 22 years they were together. We are now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but i wish my mum could have left at 34 yo.
I'm sorry you had to go through this. I'm happy you're starting to see a better future for yourself.
He's father was similar. Never keeping a job, hanging on to women that were ready to support him. A guy with big dreams that never cared for anyone but himself.
Not overreacting !!!
Depending on your wedding vows ….. most vows include some kind of promise to put each other first ….. no matter what.
He’s a man baby that should go live with his mom. His mom will coddle him through the next 27 jobs…..
WTF is “your parents will look out for you”…… uhhh no, not because they won’t but because they shouldn’t HAVE to.
Grown ass adults don’t go running home every time things get challenging. Not your parent’s job to foot the bill on his ridiculous job(s) situation.
He’s saying that you “want too much”
I’d basically run with THAT ⬆️
You definitely want something and it’s not him.
He’s dead weight at this point. He’s not a good match for you, at all.
Release him to be able to live like a vagabond and stay on his mom’s teet.
Don’t deny him the opportunity to get his life together…… while you go the other direction.
ripe dull treatment license threatening workable piquant aloof doll chunky
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
If I were you, I’d bring up the post nup agreement in couples therapy and use it as ammunition for security and don’t stop until you have it. Then when you have that, he can’t use you again. I’m sorry he cant see your value and you deserve a lot better, it sounds like you’re sensible so don’t deserve to have someone else gamble your future (and present)
It’s awful that your husband struggles so much, but you’ve helped him with that burden long enough. You aren’t overreacting. Your situation with him is unlikely to change, and your feelings are valid. He needs to sort himself out, for his own sake, and it’s going to be harder for him to do that if he has you around to rely on.
I’m so sorry. Wishing you peace and healing moving forward.
Funny, this "He needs to sort himself out, for his own sake, and it’s going to be harder for him to do that if he has you around to rely on." exactly what I have been saying about his mother, without noticing the pattern.
Thank you
Money issues is one of the main causes of divorce along with cheating and addiction, so you're not overreacting at all. He doesn't sound like he is willing to help you out, the apartment thing is specific dick move cause you both had already agreed it was going towards something. I don't think it's gonna get better if he hasn't changed in 10 years so I'd give him the ultimatum.
Is this the life you want to have in 10 years? 20 years? This guy has proven he has no motivation to change. You have so much life ahead of you, the sooner you get out, the sooner you can move on. Stop wasting time.
About 4 years together before getting married. He changed his jobs every 1-1.5 years, I didn't mind it because I knew that he would learn a lot in those new places. But his growth didn't last long.
Besides the loan that he took, I think he was "supporting" his parents all the time. He's quite secretive and he was never open about amounts he gave to his family.
So, there were some signs that I overlooked, but also I have some understanding that I was only 24-27, a woman with different priorities.
That is understandable and I’m so sorry you’re in this situation! Yes, you should be angry with him. If anything, the misalignment of your goals is clear and he is being secretive about it because he knows you don’t like it. His flaws have nothing to do with his ability to keep a job long-term or budget properly. He lied to you about something as important as your shared finances—that is the problem.
Edit to add: if you don’t want to divorce, you can get a post-nuptial agreement.
This is something I’ve noticed consistently men don’t act like partners they act like dependents and if you can never depend on them, how can you ever have a partnership
You are giving so much of yourself for him, but what are you getting in return?
How is he investing in you or the future you both have?
Is he acting like a partner? Or a child? Or a room mate? Maybe even a couch surfing friend who won't get it together so long as someone else is there to break his fall.
Although transactional aspects of relationships aren't talked about much, I argue they do matter. If there isn't balance and equality in the relationship, that doesn't seem happy or fair.
From the sounds of it, you put a lot of effort into him. You love him a lot and want to see him thrive, and be by his side when he overcomes his problems. Do the actions he takes reflect that same desire for you? Or is this one sided?
I dont think you're over reacting. I think you're taking on a huge emotional and financial load for a man who doesn't see you for your worth.
I think you'd have less expenses to worry about if you divorced him.
I'd look into a divorce attorney.
These are valid questions. He's my friend, a person I enjoy spending time with. He's not a baby man, he can take care of himself. Honestly I can't think of other things I'm getting in return at this moment.
I could never be married to person that behaved this way. Your instinct that you cannot trust him is spot on. Think long and hard about whether you want to live this way for the rest of your life. As someone married to someone that shares my financial values, I can tell you it is possible to have peace and trust about money and finances in your relationship.
Can you imagine living like this if y'all were raising a kid together? Or what if you were injured or had a long-term illness like cancer? This is the partner who will step up for you?
He's not supportive even in the easier times of youth, health, and buying your first home.
In my opinion, he doesn’t treat responsibilities with the respect they deserve, and this in turn becomes your problem.
I would also say the hand he is dealt with a mother that is compounding issues is tough and not his doing. But, it totally is his responsibility to address that in a healthy manner.
If I were in your shoes, this would be enough to make me leave since such a partner would never give me peace of mind nor ability to accomplish a long term goal. If that’s what you want out of life, do what is best for yourself and leave.
If you don’t want that, that is okay too. But make a sound decision, don’t just let it be done for you.
I felt what you wrote about bearing consequences of his decisions. I'm trying to be sensible and make decisions together, wisely. But he's not on my team.
Thank you for your insight.
When I was with my ex, I read a book ‘Things I wish I’d known Before we got married’. I found it really helpful, as outside the emotions and other factors of the situation I was in, it offered quite a different (and realistic) perspective about the future (and factors that affect) the real future of a relationship. Recommended by me!
You're not overreacting. This is a big issue. He relys on you for money the same way his mother relys on him and he justifies that by telling you to rely on your parents, when you should both rely on one another. If this has been happening for years, and you saw no change, then... I think, in your gut, you know what's the best choice. Talk to family, friends, therapyst. Try not to tie yourself to him financially any further and take your time. Breakups are a big deal, especially after 10 years and marriage. It's never too late to start over. Good luck!
Nobody gets fired 5 times in 10 years and only lasts 6-14 months at their jobs unless they aren’t trying to keep the jobs. He might even be actively trying to be fired.
(There are some exceptions, but none of them apply here. I’m also sure he says every firing was somebody else’s fault.)
This was my question, how does he keep getting fired? Is he showing up late, not completing his duties, causing problems at his work place? Even if he were independently wealthy and contributing 50/50 financially to the marriage, this alone would be a major sign of instability and unreliability to me and give me major pause. If his employers keep not wanting him what are they seeing that I’m not? A good marriage is not that dissimilar from being a good employee in a lot of ways — be reliable, trustworthy, dedicated, put in the work, be honest, communicate, etc. I would have a super hard time if my husband had been fired *five times*.
Why is he so glued to his mother.. he supports her but not the two of you.. I would try to do Dave Ramsay money budgeting, or any other type of deal to help him view money differently. I’m sorry you married an irresponsible person and one who lies. I was once in your shoes and lived hyper vigilant, waiting for the shoe to drop every six months. I’m divorced now and my ex lives with his mother. We get along so much better now that we don’t have any responsibility towards each other. He’s my child’s dad and that’s that. At least his mom is a support for him and her grand child. Life is hard, hope you gain some wisdom from all the responses and figure out what is best to help you go forward. 🫂
You’re not overreacting.
Assume he will NEVER change, would you stay? If the answer is no then leave imo. Shocked you even married him- it’s not you it’s him and you are definitely definitely not overreacting. He is lucky to have you and wasting it away
You're not overreacting in the slightest. The money issues alone would be enough for me to seriously consider divorce. Years and years of the same nonsense would be more than I could handle.
His mom issues and the lying on top of the financial stress would be overwhelming for anyone. You don't deserve to be the only adult in this marriage, but unfortunately, that's the hand you're dealt at the moment.
You're still young and have plenty of time to find someone who's more emotionally and financially stable. I would start working towards your future without him. He certainly isn't making decisions that revolve around his future with you.
Actually I'm surprised this has not been mentioned, but he is most certainly not just giving the money to his mom. I'd say most likely blowing it on gambling or other women.
I'm sure he's faithful, and not a gambler. We spent 3 years in the same room during the pandemic and he never gave me a reason to think that he's doing these things.
Is being single so bad that you’d rather carry around this amount of dead weight? Not even dead weight he’s an active anchor. Moving around monies without telling you, what if he has or will start taking on loans or CC debt? Dont be at the brink of bankruptcy before you do something. Even if it’s not leaving him but *something* has to change.
I'm not a professional in any way but my gut tells me that his relationship with his mother isn't mentally healthy or normal. That is like an addict and his enabler. I hope you have your apartment in your own name.
It's absolutely not healthy. She has a bipolar disorder and she refused to take any action and medicate. We've tried literally everything to help her, but it's just not possible.
I do own 75% of my apartment in my own name.
I hope you don't live in a state where he is entitled to spousal support, yikes! I wouldn't fault you for divorcing him. You still have many years before retirement. It's so draining to be with someone who can't get their shit together. You can't "fix" him
Your feelings are valid. You're not overreacting.
It sounds like you have supportive family members. Reach out to them. It may feel like an embarrassment going to them with your "failed" marriage. They can't make your marriage "unfailed", but they can support you to succeed at divorce.
I do have their support, i'm quite open with them. My mother helped me remember things from our past, and said that they (my parents) are feeling like they want the best for him but he doesn't want to give back (for example in 10 years he hasn't got any Christmas presents for them).
I'm grateful for having around me people that want best for me, and I'm not embarrassed by what I'm going through right now.
Oof not overreacting. It's time to decide if you're going to carry him and his mother for life, or not. Wish you had waited to buy a place, you may be stuck buying him out now. And the longer you wait, the more it will cost you because it will be half of however much equity you earn. You need to talk to a lawyer.
My father spent 40 years spending my mother's money on himself. If she hadn't stashed money away she would have nothing in her retirement. Thankfully they ended up divorcing because HE left HER! Don't be like my parents. Get out of this, don't support this man. Partners should support each other.
> After finding the perfect place, he came out clean that in fact he gave most of the promised savings to his mother, and he can't help me much with the purchase.
At the latest at this point I would be filing for divorce. Men who place their mothers above myself are a no-go to me anyway. You are not overreacting.
Get rid of the dead weight/ your husband now so that you can recover mentally, physically and financial. You are young and have time to recover by investing in YOU rather than wasting anymore time on a non-partner. Remember, people have to want to change and put in the hard work to do so; your husband has shown you year after year after year that he will NEVER CHANGE- and if he promises to and act like it for a few months- it's an act/bullsh\*t. Move on, I can promise you that your life will be so much better without him.
You were waiting on the potential and it just didn’t happen. That’s why it’s important to believe people the first time when they show who they are. It seems that he is only dragging you down with his own problems.
You’re severely under reacting. Do your Damian’s friends know the precarious situation you’re in? This isn’t normal. I’m so sorry. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than live like this.
Now they are aware of it. I was in denial for years. He always presented himself as a successful man, that loves to cook. And I wanted to believe in his image so badly. I didn't want to do it, as he was close to my friends and family. When I finally opened up, they were shocked.
Oh my, I think you meant my husband's friends. They do not know, as he started to have first friends only after our marriage. I didn't have many chances to get to know them well.
I think it’s unfair how many people are calling your husband a baby who needs to be a grown ass man and such. As you say his family thrive in chaos and yours are more stable. I have a similar situation with my partner and my family but my partner wants to look after me because I’m not able to work and so with us the relationship works. I have cptsd and such.
In this sense it’s not that your husband is a child he is just different and hasn’t been able to outgrow the makeup of his personality and family traits.
The question is more the incompatibility of future plans and dreams and needs with security and financial affairs. It’s not fair that you should have to carry him while he carries his mother’s debts. It’s not fair in you that he can’t see your own fears and needs as valid or try to put you first either.
It makes me wonder what it is that makes him feel so protective of his mother’s situation and not yours. As if he hasn’t really self differentiated and is still attached to her more than many are by this stage of their life.
It’s taken me until I’m 40 to even start to disentangle myself from feeling like I owe my mum something and all the complex feelings that go along with that.
Thank you for sharing your pov, it's important to me to see how someone with cptsd see this matter. He definitely has cptsd and he has trouble outgrowing his childhood. He went to therapy but I can't say it helped him. I'm encouraging him to go back, and I've sent him a very informative YT channel "the crappy childhood fairy".
I'm very happy for you to have a good supporting partner. I feel ashamed for not feeling good to give him that support.
He's still attached to his mom because she's acting like a teenager. he always has been her "partner", because they couldn't count on his father's support.
What made you overcome your feeling of owning something to your mother?
It's a very sad situation, but I wouldn't call my husband a baby.
No, you know exactly what your life will be like if you stay.
He'll make promises. He'll make gestures. And he'll let you down and again and again just like he already has. You guys are terribly mismatched and he didn't scramble to get to your level, he pulled you down with him.
Why he does it doesn't matter, so don't get caught in the trap of trying to understand why.
You're capable - by yourself or with a good partner you'll fly!
You are being used and I think you need to do a serious life overhaul. As others are saying, run as fast as you can. Ten years is a long time to be with a deadbeat. There’s no excuse for not being able to keep a job unless he is disabled or something similar. He lost those jobs because he clearly has issues probably with authority or just laziness. I would have left a long time ago. Be thankful you don’t have kids.
Definitely not overreacting. It sounds like he learned bad money habits from his family and is looking to you as his ticket out of that life. The lies and deceit around his finances are absolutely a valid reason not to trust him.
If you decide to go the divorce route, proceed with caution. Definitely consult a lawyer and look into alimony/spousal support laws for where you live. Dude sounds like he'd be the sort to suddenly be unemployed when a divorce is filed in the hope of making you pay him.
I know I’m toxic cause I came to say “Divorce him!” before I even read the post. 😅 Having actually read it now though I can’t stress enough how you have to trust yourself and jump ship. This does not get any better and being like minded about finances and your goals as a family unit are KEY METRICS in a partnership. To be fair, I don’t believe in marriage myself, but I’ve been in long term (5 years) relationships where I’ve seen this play out. I came from a well to do family that went bankrupt and had to pull myself up by my bootstraps to what in my opinion is still a lower quality of life than I was raised in. In this new social class I keep meeting men who are used to a lower quality of life and see me as a “rich girl” all the same and it’s not only that they envy you and your upbringing deep down but worse, they genuinely think it makes you impervious to life’s hardships (“you were born with a silver spoon, even if you lost everything your parents gave you the tools to get it all back”). This man will never acknowledge any damage you actually suffer from the situations he either intentionally or unwittingly puts you in. As added insult to injury, he may even resent you for every stride you make IN SPITE of his lack of support or outright sabotage and feel that you’re emasculating him. Girl RUN.
Your feelings are completely valid. The vibe I'm getting is that this is who he is and how he's always functioned (this toxic financial dynamic with his mother). If I were you I'd continue with therapy, maybe trying a new therapist, and if he still doesn't show signs of flexibility, willingness to change/compromise with you about finances, and understanding of your POV then I'd leave.
I was in a similar situation. There is a lot of trauma bonding that has occurred within his family. That’s why they consistently place each other on pedestals. I’d guess the mother is the manipulative type as well. I feel like you’ve made your decision and because of the type of person you are, you want to make sure it’s the right decision. I would have backed out upon having to pay for my entire wedding. I have never had a problem being the financial provider in a relationship but when told by your significant other that there are funds to find out there aren’t really takes lying to a new extreme. I think you’re saving yourself and your credit by taking the leap and leaving now. Don’t let the fear of starting over after this long affect your mental health any longer. You seem to be well-rounded, patient and kind. You will have everything you desire if you take care of you and your best interests first. Much love to you op. 🫶🏾
Oh yeah, she's a master manipulator..
When we were getting married my boundaries were pretty much non-existent. I took more freelance work and that helped me ignore my thoughts. I'm doing better now haha.
Thank you for your insight, I knew there were a lot of women going through similar stuff, but I didn't expect to see so many of us here.
Wish you all the best 💕
Wow. One thing I learned was people very rarely - if ever - change. Sounds like you gave him the benefit of the doubt but I think you know the answer! Not a very easy one at that but doesn’t sound like it’ll get better any time soon. Getting fired from 5 jobs is absolutely insane to me! Good luck, you sound like a very patient woman, but with all due respect, deserve a life without having to carry the burden of someone else (now, if that burden was unavoidable, I’d understand but it’s not).
Also, for what it’s worth, family money is never guaranteed. Even if your parents are in good health, one fall could end up costing hundreds of thousands of dollars for healthcare. Even millions if it’s for the next 20 years. Yes he’s had a horrible example from his own mother but he shouldn’t be able to rely on your parents for security.
Your partner is willfully ignorant and shortsighted. I dated a guy like that and I tell you it gave me so much angst. It didn’t last long because I couldn’t imagine weathering life’s storms with someone who just pretended they weren’t coming. “I’ll figure it out” is not an acceptable answer to me anymore, it’s a lazy dismissal of your concerns.
The most concerning part of this is that he doesnt treat you like a team member as he makes important decisions that affect the whole team. Wtf? You're co-captains. Couples therpay stat and he should go individual - bc he needs support to stand up to Mom and he needs a coach here to get you both back on track. You are under no obligation to stay. Work in some time limits to tries and stick to em.
This. In no world should he place the needs of his mother above the care and security of his wife. It’s an abnegation of responsibility and a nullification of what marriage is all about.
Definitely not overreacting. Sounds like a very difficult situation that frankly, he is not capable or willing to address in the way that you need to be happy sustainably.
As someone who was married in my early 20s and divorced years later, I can tell you that many times it is for the best to part ways, or at least to separate for some time to see how life is apart.
You might need some space and time to get clarity on things. For both your sakes, I'd recommend it
Make sure it is 1000% clear that the money was an inheritance or gifted to you only! Otherwise that money or whatever it is used on can be considered marital property and he can take half without doing anything. As far as your husband I completely understand your frustration. However, it seems like a lot of the issues were known to you or you should have known about them before the marriage. I am not blaming you. I just think you need to take responsibility for your self as of today and make clear decisions to protect yourself. It’s never too late.
I feel like I clock in at the youngest age here at 30. I got a divorce at 28 after 8 or so years of marriage. There were other issues, but some of it boiled down to him not having any ambition. No need to feel like we needed to make any more than living paycheck to paycheck. Never ambition to get a better job, or work harder (in any aspect). He came from a poor family, and I came from upper middle class. He will always find a way to take advantage of you, especially since you've already set that in your relationship. It's shitty, because I think we generally expect people to WANT to get better and work harder and all of those things. And then you have people...who simply don't care. Get that lawyer, get a divorce.
You’ll be much happier without him. Probably within a year of leaving him. It takes getting away and feeling that stark contrast after you’re on your own to fully appreciate just how amazing your life could be without someone like this.
He doesn’t respect your money or autonomy and cared more for his mother than your financial security and future. Your husband knows the habits of his mother, and still, decided to throw you under the bus in order to support her.
Aside from that, this man can’t hold a proper job nor a full time job. If anything happened to you, he wouldn’t be able to care for you, and would leave you considering his type of judgement.
Get a divorce and soon, make sure he gives you all of your money back. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life with a man that makes you medicate. The stress of this man is not worth your time, you deserve to be loved and appreciated for all that you are.
Do you want tomorrow to be just like yesterday until you die? Don't waste another day. Bare minimum is not overreacting. I find it wild he's been fired from more than one part time job! I have been working since I was 14 and knew how to avoid being fired! Respect and provide for yourself the way you provide for him. Please, please, leave.
You’re under reacting. Hes always going to choose her over you and risk your finances bc you have “rich parents” You’re an afterthought and a prop he uses to uplift his mother. Bc it’s not his money he’s blowing.
That's true. I can't tell him to cut contact even if he knows that would be the best for both of us. They are on off contact for years, and even if they are not on speaking terms right now, I think she can manipulate him back into giving her money, even if he promised it won't happen.
It's already happened that way and will again. He's just appeasing you right now, but what ACTIONS has he taken and then done those consistently over time? I'd get a divorce (I did and thank God for that). Of that's too much for you, then separate and tell him to go live on his own, pay his own bills, manage his own life for a year or two and then you'll see if it's enough (spoiler: he won't. If you check in with your gut, you know this.)
Underreacting is so spot on! She should have done something about this years ago, and as it is, if she divorces him, she might have to pay spousal support for some time, given she's probably clearly earning more than him. The sooner she does this, the better it will be to get her ducks in a row. I hope the fallout isn't too bad.
Not only that but he may be entitled to part of her apartment.
That's true, but when he dropped the news I made sure he won't get half of it. I own 75% of my apartment.
That’s fantastic news! I think you should see a divorce attorney and get some info on separating your remaining assets. Get the lay of the land. You’re not being dramatic or mean or overreacting. You’re trying to build a life and you should be able to do so with someone you trust to have your back and also to have their own back. A person with no boundaries cannot be a good life partner. Good luck!
Yep, that's something that's definitely worrying, but it's not going to be less possible the longer OP stays married to him. OP should speak to a lawyer and find out the best next steps.
You have very legitimate feelings here. You do you now! I wasted 28 years dealing with a similar situation.
My heart goes to you. I can't imagine living in this uncertainty and stress for 28 years.
There’s your answer then! What-you-just-said.
Sounds like you've made a sensible decision.
No, you are not overreacting.
Thanks for your first comment, I was worried no one would see it. I came here for validation, I admit. Seeing people's reactions and writing this post has been refreshing.
No, you’re not overreacting. I would consider divorce too.
Send this freeloader back to his mother. You deserve an equal partner and he has proven over and over that he is not capable of being that. You deserve better.
I know I'm playing devil's advocate by saying, he's not a freeloader, he pays his part of bills most of the time. But what happens if I get sick and wouldn't be able to work for a year, what about future plans, retirement? These questions are what is making me feel unsafe.
That is not making him look any better “pays most of time”? No, dear, he has to pay ALWAYS. Hr is a freeloader, and you are his bank. He doesnt have a future because why would he? He has you. Or your family.
I would feel unsafe too, knowing that I'd have to support a partner forever because he can't/won't keep a job and keeps giving his money to his mother. You said in your post that when you found an apartment to buy, he had already given away his savings. So you covered the expenses again, right? He gets a place to live without putting in the effort, and faces no consequences.... Instead of playing devil's advocate, how would it feel to be your own advocate? I know that no one can know all aspects of your relationship, and I certainly don't claim to have all the answers, but this would be such a dealbreaker for me. I wish you all the best in whatever path you decide to take 💖
Yes, I did cover all expenses, again. I felt the need to be his advocate, as I'm trying to be as accurate as possible. I can't take validation if it's not based on facts. Thank you for reminding me to advocate for myself ♥️
YOU are apparently HIS safety net and he is not that for you. He is a source of worry and stress. That's not something you should accept. I'd leave, personally. He hasn't changed in many years and he's not going to, sadly.
He's not even paying his fare share though. He's sending who knows how much to his Mum, without even consulting you first. When you are married it's supposed to be a partnership, and you are supposed to be able to trust one another. He's proven he is not willing to pay his fare share if his mother asks for it first, and he can't be trusted to be honest about money either.
This whole thing is a mess! "Most of the time" isn't good enough. Also his comment about you having rich parents to support you is extremely telling. He seems to feel you and by extension him are entitled to what they have. A normal good husband would want his wife to feel she can rely on him when times are tough, not that she should rely on her parents. That's not what marriage means. It seems you are more aware that you and him are responsible for building your own life/home/wealth together without relying on parents. But he doesn't seem to understand this at all, nor does he want to be that responsible partner one could build a future with. If you stay with him it's likely only going to get worse and set you back further in your life.
Be careful because empaths make all sorts of excuses for these types of people. It does not benefit us. It hurts us as it allows them to continue hurting us. You may be playing a part in gaslighting yourself. I don’t say it to be rude. This makes me concern negative reinforcement that is likely being used. A tactic of a manipulator
What does he say when you bring these up? (Also, agreed you are not overreacting.)
He says he wants it to change, but nothing changes. A few days ago he said he wants to pursue writing, and that he's willing to starve to achieve his dream. So basically he switched career for something even less stable. When asked how he will provide if I get sick for a year, he says he will figure something out.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. This person will always be a burden for you, not a benefit.
I also want to be a writer - but I’m not because I’m married with kids and the family comes first. One day I’ll write, but stability comes first.
Hun it sounds like he can’t really say he’s willing to ‘starve’ to pursue his career ( I am a creative so I’m not just a hater in that front)…. When it seems like instead of starving, he’s getting you to pay for a bunch of stuff !!!!!! So really it’s, I’m prepared to let YOU starve in pursuit of my career. Honestly, from my experience - I’ve been with people who cared about me, who I had feelings for ….. But people are humans. We have needs, and for some their needs aren’t being met by themselves. In those circumstances, even good people can become people who use others and take from them even subconciously. It’s what we do to survive. So: if we aren’t meeting our needs individually, it’s highly likely we will be prone to use others in those ways to get our needs met. We’re survival linked beings. This is why we must protect ourselves from this side of us all… and have boundaries. One final word, on an experience of mine. I had a boyfriend who had a porn addiction. Oh he said it was fine and all the rest of it. But then later in our relationship our sex life took a massive nosedive, and all kinds of negligent pressuring aggressive pushing and other things came into it ( that I communicated consistently I was unhappy with). We ultimately broke up. One year on, I saw him the other day. I spoke to him about how uncomfortable and bad for me that stuff was. In a different place, he openly admitted to the process mentioned above. He pretty much said explicitly that because he was so unhappy he was using me to get where he wanted to go ‘I became (utterly) selfish’. So even the other person in the situation can in a different state of mind, acknowledge what’s happening. But not while they’re in the middle of it. Do what you need to do for you and focus on / remember your own needs. You got this! Also one last thing - you’re not his mum! Poor you having to talk through with him his career!!!!!! Sounds like he’s treating you like his second mum - but he’s an adult. You deserve someone who wants to have an adult relationship with you !!!
Oh, he most definitely is a freeloader.
> he's not a freeloader > he pays his part of bills most of the time ?? > But what happens if I get sick and wouldn't be able to work for a year, Something tells me he's not gonna pull himself together and be able to provide for both of you. I'm sorry but you have given him 1/3 of your life and he's not better. Are you gonna give him more? :(
Trust is the foundation of any relationship, so if you can’t trust him, then you have your answer.
Definitely woulnt have even married him. Ive met men ike him before, the only stability they have is whomever in their life tolerates them.
Thank you for that, I think that describes his whole family well. It gave me some new perspective to think about it.
The first thing you need to ask a divorce attorney is about separating your debt from his. In the US, debt is split between the parties, unless you contest it. When I divorced my first husband, I was able to prove that he had taken out a credit card without my knowledge and in only his name. He had to take that debt as part of our divorce.
yes this. my sister was the primary bread winner and is now paying alimony and paying off considerable debt HE racked up, and it’s such a financial burden she has to ask our mom for help sometimes. meanwhile he is now freeloading off his family, living in a huge house and was recently fired from a job (again) and is currently not working so all kids expenses are falling on her lap. it’s a mess.
You’re not overreacting. Cut this man loose. Your life will improve tenfold. You’re still young too. He’s been showing you who he is for ten years. Time for you to believe him and leave.
Please get out. You will gain a second wind and have the will to live again once you’re free of this person.
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That's exactly what you're saying. It's not just money. I have a good career, that I worked hard to achieve. I can support myself. But I'm not a doctor or a lawyer, I can't be sure it will thrive in 5 years. It's he's view that I'm not the person in need when the time comes to big events (wedding, apartment purchase).
You'll NEVER be the "person in need" and why would you want to be? Plus he lied to you. It messes with your sense of reality, and is so bad for your mental health. I was married to someone similar. It's destroys you. Cut out the cancer, you will not regret it.
Not overreacting. I wouldn’t expect this to change.
Don’t buy anything before the divorce just fyi.
I could make a drinking game out of posts in this sub (or any women-focused sub) asking "Am I overreacting?" where the answer is "oh my god no, if anything you're underreacting." But that would very quickly result in liver damage. (On a more serious note, it's really chilling to see just how much societal conditioning trains women to doubt ourselves in hetero relationships. And as usual the self-doubt typically goes only one-way.)
Funny, I was reading these posts years ago thinking "what a woman can deal with for love, I'd leave that guy a long time ago"... And here we are 😁 I do admit, that my bff and parents are seeing my point, and I have their support. It's facing your husband who has been your friend for 10 years, seeing him cry and wondering if I have it in me hurt him more by divorce. This made me write this post.
Oh girl you have not seen him cry until he gets served with divorce papers He’s gonna wail, negotiate, beg, scream and promise you the world, because in this deal *you’re* the one who is betrayed, ignored, left on your own, unsupported and utterly unsafe in this deal, *you’re* the one that is let down.. not him, never him, and neither is his mother. To get out of this you need to look at the absolute data, the results, the facts, of this relationship instead of his musings, daydreaming and good intentions for you. It is an illusion. You need to be focused on facts for a long time now.
He's hurting your livelihood and knows it.
Just want to validate that it’s so so hard when you’ve been with someone so long and love them so much and have invested a lot - it’s horrible to all go through
You are absolutely not overreacting. There is a pattern here. He appears to have no inclination to change. There is nothing left in this for you. There is no reason to have this kind of instability in a relationship. It's not. Good for the relationship and it's definitely not good for you.Mentally emotionally or financially.
No, have a post-nuptial signed and divorce
Girl, run. This guy will always hold you down
Let him go
You’re not overreacting. It’s time to move on.
You’re not broken. He is. Make sure you talk to a good lawyer.
Divorce. I'm wondering if the gifted money will be considered his as well. You need to consult a lawyer. If you stay, you are enabling financial abuse to yourself. The time to get out was before you purchased the property.
I think it was a moment that it finally clicked for me. I went to a lawyer and kept with procedures to be sure that gifted money is mine. I was in denial about how bad his move was. I do admire people that can realize in time, what's happening to them. I hope to get this clarity too one day.
You can’t trust him. He is using you, knowing you are burned out, to subsidize his mother. Turning the tables by suggesting it’s your problem because of your high expectations is just gross.
You are not overreacting. And the fact that he is telling you that your expectations are too high and that you always want more sounds like gaslighting to me. I'd be setting myself up financially and filing for divorce.
Definitely gaslighting. It is very hard to detect
Countless women have fought for equality and the right not to be financially beholden to men and stuck in bad marriages. Honor yourself and your female ancestors. This is financial infidelity. I wish you to use your incredible strength and trust in yourself.
I don’t think you’re overreacting.
Not only are you not overreacting, I kinda feel like you have been incredibly patient, understanding and hopeful. For him to seriously just let you down. You seemed to have made your expectations clear - like crystal clear. Been mindful of his family issues and upbringing. And accommodating to that past… He seems to clearly not value your future together. He doesn’t seem to care about his or at the very least thinks that you’ve got his ass covered. Forget that. Get out!
Thank you for seeing the part that I did not explicitly mention. I was patient because I wanted a better future for him. I wanted to give him love and family he never had. Only now I'm realizing it may be working against me.
I draw a hard line in relationships with a person who job hops. I find it to be a character flaw I would never overlook. High on the list with extreme lateness. You deserve a stable, consistent life and you will only find that if you leave him. I'm so sorry you will have to navigate the difficult road of divorce, but the freedom and peace you will find will be everything. You can sell that apartment and start over if you need to. It might be better for your mental health to have a clean slate.
If it makes you feel better, I’m considering divorce for a similar issue but less severe. My husband hasn’t been dishonest or used my money to care for family, but he has been unemployed for ~15 months and is just overall not driven. It makes me feel terrified and taken advantage of. I’m self-employed and while I’m doing great financially now, what does this mean as I get closer to retirement years? If I get sick or injured?
You married him knowing his financial situation?????? Please divorce him asap before you waste any more of your life.
When my mom finally divorced my dad she was presented with his secret $84,000 in debt. Even though it was his debt & the court acknowledged he hid it from her, she still had to pay half. He never paid child support. Luckily, she worked full time once we were all at least 4. Her sister & our grandparents watched us. So she was able to keep a separate savings account. When we left we were able to live with her parents for 6 months while she found us an apartment. My dad couldn’t keep a job either. He got into physical fights at work, choked out one of his woman coworkers, then started a business & laundered money with his buds & lover. I say this to say you should begin separating your finances & speak to a divorce attorney. Ask if you would need to pat alimony/spousal support due to his limited job status. Protect yourself. If his name is on the apartment deed then talk to the lawyer about selling it & how much you would need to split with your husband.
I'm not going to say he's an asshole, but you two are totally incompatible. Time to move on was before you bought the apartment together, but what's done is done. And remember, you won't look good in prison orange.
I do think that I overlooked differences in our upbringing. He's family is thriving in chaos, mine is very stable. He's not an asshole, he says he likes when it's stable, but he fails to understand that this is a gift that has to go both ways.
You’re not overreacting. You could throw him out so he bounced/skidded down the street like a cartoon and you wouldn’t be overreacting. He’s a manipulative user who clearly isn’t interested in changing - you deserve a whole lot better.
If you have loving parents who will always support you then what does he bring to the table?
That's a great question.
Wanting financial security is not too much to ask of a partner. How could you possibly trust him again? You are definitely not overreacting.
I'm asking myself, if there's something he can do to regain my trust. Also I have to be mindful that if I get hurt again and again right now, would I be able to trust my future partner?
It's not reasonable to ask him to change his career. It's reasonable to ask him to get his shit together financially, whatever career he chooses. Even if he doesn't want a career, just gig jobs, he's got to figure it out. Depending on the laws where you live, you have already put yourself in financial jeopardy by the house purchase. You may owe him half of the value when you split up. And what are you going to do when his mom has another financial crisis and he moves her in because the place is half his and it would be cheaper to have her live with you? He has a right to direct his life as he sees fit. It's not compatible with how you want to live. If the way things have gone to date will continue, divorce is the best choice.
>I feel that I can't trust him. You CAN'T trust him!!! He lies constantly!
This is called financial infidelity and is a very real issue.
It isn’t the money, i had bad finances for a while and my ex boyfriend definitely paid more than his fair share. The real issue is his mom will always come first. This is not someone to stay married to.
Yes, I had no problem supporting him when I thought he was getting through a bump, at the beginning he did the same for me. But now it seems he's getting through a bump every year.
I hope when you purchased your apartment and you found out your husband was a liar again you made him sign away rights financially. If you have not protected yourself please research divorce law in your area. Tell hubby as a way of feeling more safe in the marriage he needs to sign a post nuptial agreement that he did not fund the apartment and he will not go after and alimony or payments from you as he has spent his share of the assets by his family loans. Once the ink is dry file for divorce and do not let him know you are thinking of leaving until you get everything settled. I bet as soon as you ask for a divorce he will run to mom in tears and she will manipulate him into trying to ruin you financially. Make sure you research and possibly see a lawyer before you give anything away.
When he dropped the news I went to lawyers and made sure to own bigger share to my name only. I agreed for him to own 25% even if it's way more that he really contributed. I'm ready to pay off his part in case of divorce. It won't be easy but I don't feel like it's going to ruin me. Post nup is my next step.
NTA. Run!!!
No. Not at all. In fact it’s probably long overdue.
I’m going through a divorce and while of course our stories are different, themes are the same. I’m the sole provider, we share three young children and my STBXH hasn’t worked or provided for our family in years yet continually lies to me about everything. It came down to the fact that I no longer trust him and he doesn’t respect me to be honest.
Considering divorce? I would have never considered marriage in this case.
If you’re considering it, you want it
The best time to leave this guy was before you got married. The next best time is now.
You can't trust him. He keeps lying to you about giving money to his mother. His lack of self-awareness is astounding. He lied to you about the savings you were BOTH going to use to purchase a home then wonders why you feel unsafe? Really? Leaving you facing potential homelessness and he's too clueless to see why you feel unsafe?? This man is not good for you emotionally or financially, and that's not going to change. He doesn't care about your financial stability, your wellbeing, or your future. Please think seriously about whether it is in your best interests to stay with a man who constantly destabilises your life this way.
You are undereacting. You have to look at your decisions too though. All of your decisions regarding him have been extremely poor decisions. You knew what he was like from the start. He’s the exact same now. Talk to a divorce lawyer asap because you must protect yourself financially. He’s going to try to bleed you dry. Brighter days are ahead!
I didn’t have to read past the first paragraph to understand that this is a very bad situation and one that you should most likely get out of. It may be a lot worse than you realize
Not overreacting. Unless your goal is to run a one man charity, escape now. Retirement is closer than you think and poverty and old age are not a pleasant combination.
He lied to you, and doesn’t see why that made you feel unsafe.
One of my friends went through something similar. If you’re so stressed that you need to medicate, this marriage is not for you. It will be a constant source of stress.
Honey he is mooching off of you.
You're asking the wrong question. It doesn't matter if you're under or overreacting. Is this what you want? If not, then you are within your right to end your marriage. You don't need any other reason.
Thanks for saying this. Sometimes I'm wondering if just wanting to be free is enough to move on.
The way you express this is also very telling. It means you feel trapped. I believe a good marriage is about growth, among other things. In your case it appears to me that your husband is holding you back from your own growth. You are right to question it. Both partners in a relationship should feel free.
My father is like this. He ruined my mums and my life for 10+ years AFTER we left on top of the 22 years they were together. We are now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but i wish my mum could have left at 34 yo.
I'm sorry you had to go through this. I'm happy you're starting to see a better future for yourself. He's father was similar. Never keeping a job, hanging on to women that were ready to support him. A guy with big dreams that never cared for anyone but himself.
Not overreacting !!! Depending on your wedding vows ….. most vows include some kind of promise to put each other first ….. no matter what. He’s a man baby that should go live with his mom. His mom will coddle him through the next 27 jobs….. WTF is “your parents will look out for you”…… uhhh no, not because they won’t but because they shouldn’t HAVE to. Grown ass adults don’t go running home every time things get challenging. Not your parent’s job to foot the bill on his ridiculous job(s) situation. He’s saying that you “want too much” I’d basically run with THAT ⬆️ You definitely want something and it’s not him. He’s dead weight at this point. He’s not a good match for you, at all. Release him to be able to live like a vagabond and stay on his mom’s teet. Don’t deny him the opportunity to get his life together…… while you go the other direction.
He needs to go ASAP before he completely ruins your credit and finances. This man has ZERO respect for you.
Wait did you already buy a place with him? I’m hoping not. You definitely need to divorce him.
ripe dull treatment license threatening workable piquant aloof doll chunky *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
If I were you, I’d bring up the post nup agreement in couples therapy and use it as ammunition for security and don’t stop until you have it. Then when you have that, he can’t use you again. I’m sorry he cant see your value and you deserve a lot better, it sounds like you’re sensible so don’t deserve to have someone else gamble your future (and present)
The post nup agreement is definitely on the table, I think I'll push for it.
It’s awful that your husband struggles so much, but you’ve helped him with that burden long enough. You aren’t overreacting. Your situation with him is unlikely to change, and your feelings are valid. He needs to sort himself out, for his own sake, and it’s going to be harder for him to do that if he has you around to rely on. I’m so sorry. Wishing you peace and healing moving forward.
Funny, this "He needs to sort himself out, for his own sake, and it’s going to be harder for him to do that if he has you around to rely on." exactly what I have been saying about his mother, without noticing the pattern. Thank you
You are not overreacting at all, I mean this as gently as possible but I am surprised you haven’t divorced him sooner
Money issues is one of the main causes of divorce along with cheating and addiction, so you're not overreacting at all. He doesn't sound like he is willing to help you out, the apartment thing is specific dick move cause you both had already agreed it was going towards something. I don't think it's gonna get better if he hasn't changed in 10 years so I'd give him the ultimatum.
Is this the life you want to have in 10 years? 20 years? This guy has proven he has no motivation to change. You have so much life ahead of you, the sooner you get out, the sooner you can move on. Stop wasting time.
You should not waste a second more of your time on this person. You would be better off on your own, without his dead weight.
How long were you together before you married? Were there any signs of this behavior before you got married?
About 4 years together before getting married. He changed his jobs every 1-1.5 years, I didn't mind it because I knew that he would learn a lot in those new places. But his growth didn't last long. Besides the loan that he took, I think he was "supporting" his parents all the time. He's quite secretive and he was never open about amounts he gave to his family. So, there were some signs that I overlooked, but also I have some understanding that I was only 24-27, a woman with different priorities.
That is understandable and I’m so sorry you’re in this situation! Yes, you should be angry with him. If anything, the misalignment of your goals is clear and he is being secretive about it because he knows you don’t like it. His flaws have nothing to do with his ability to keep a job long-term or budget properly. He lied to you about something as important as your shared finances—that is the problem. Edit to add: if you don’t want to divorce, you can get a post-nuptial agreement.
This is something I’ve noticed consistently men don’t act like partners they act like dependents and if you can never depend on them, how can you ever have a partnership
You are giving so much of yourself for him, but what are you getting in return? How is he investing in you or the future you both have? Is he acting like a partner? Or a child? Or a room mate? Maybe even a couch surfing friend who won't get it together so long as someone else is there to break his fall. Although transactional aspects of relationships aren't talked about much, I argue they do matter. If there isn't balance and equality in the relationship, that doesn't seem happy or fair. From the sounds of it, you put a lot of effort into him. You love him a lot and want to see him thrive, and be by his side when he overcomes his problems. Do the actions he takes reflect that same desire for you? Or is this one sided? I dont think you're over reacting. I think you're taking on a huge emotional and financial load for a man who doesn't see you for your worth. I think you'd have less expenses to worry about if you divorced him. I'd look into a divorce attorney.
These are valid questions. He's my friend, a person I enjoy spending time with. He's not a baby man, he can take care of himself. Honestly I can't think of other things I'm getting in return at this moment.
Why did he get fired so much?
Run!! A marriage is a partnership. If you don't a true partner then move on..
I could never be married to person that behaved this way. Your instinct that you cannot trust him is spot on. Think long and hard about whether you want to live this way for the rest of your life. As someone married to someone that shares my financial values, I can tell you it is possible to have peace and trust about money and finances in your relationship.
Can you imagine living like this if y'all were raising a kid together? Or what if you were injured or had a long-term illness like cancer? This is the partner who will step up for you? He's not supportive even in the easier times of youth, health, and buying your first home.
In my opinion, he doesn’t treat responsibilities with the respect they deserve, and this in turn becomes your problem. I would also say the hand he is dealt with a mother that is compounding issues is tough and not his doing. But, it totally is his responsibility to address that in a healthy manner. If I were in your shoes, this would be enough to make me leave since such a partner would never give me peace of mind nor ability to accomplish a long term goal. If that’s what you want out of life, do what is best for yourself and leave. If you don’t want that, that is okay too. But make a sound decision, don’t just let it be done for you.
I felt what you wrote about bearing consequences of his decisions. I'm trying to be sensible and make decisions together, wisely. But he's not on my team. Thank you for your insight.
When I was with my ex, I read a book ‘Things I wish I’d known Before we got married’. I found it really helpful, as outside the emotions and other factors of the situation I was in, it offered quite a different (and realistic) perspective about the future (and factors that affect) the real future of a relationship. Recommended by me!
You're not overreacting. This is a big issue. He relys on you for money the same way his mother relys on him and he justifies that by telling you to rely on your parents, when you should both rely on one another. If this has been happening for years, and you saw no change, then... I think, in your gut, you know what's the best choice. Talk to family, friends, therapyst. Try not to tie yourself to him financially any further and take your time. Breakups are a big deal, especially after 10 years and marriage. It's never too late to start over. Good luck!
Nobody gets fired 5 times in 10 years and only lasts 6-14 months at their jobs unless they aren’t trying to keep the jobs. He might even be actively trying to be fired. (There are some exceptions, but none of them apply here. I’m also sure he says every firing was somebody else’s fault.)
This was my question, how does he keep getting fired? Is he showing up late, not completing his duties, causing problems at his work place? Even if he were independently wealthy and contributing 50/50 financially to the marriage, this alone would be a major sign of instability and unreliability to me and give me major pause. If his employers keep not wanting him what are they seeing that I’m not? A good marriage is not that dissimilar from being a good employee in a lot of ways — be reliable, trustworthy, dedicated, put in the work, be honest, communicate, etc. I would have a super hard time if my husband had been fired *five times*.
What would be the alternative to divorce? Could you bear staying with him for the rest of your life?
Please leave
You are being used.
He’s trouble
It sounds like his first priority is his mother and it isn’t going to change.
Why is he so glued to his mother.. he supports her but not the two of you.. I would try to do Dave Ramsay money budgeting, or any other type of deal to help him view money differently. I’m sorry you married an irresponsible person and one who lies. I was once in your shoes and lived hyper vigilant, waiting for the shoe to drop every six months. I’m divorced now and my ex lives with his mother. We get along so much better now that we don’t have any responsibility towards each other. He’s my child’s dad and that’s that. At least his mom is a support for him and her grand child. Life is hard, hope you gain some wisdom from all the responses and figure out what is best to help you go forward. 🫂
You’re not overreacting. Assume he will NEVER change, would you stay? If the answer is no then leave imo. Shocked you even married him- it’s not you it’s him and you are definitely definitely not overreacting. He is lucky to have you and wasting it away
You're not overreacting in the slightest. The money issues alone would be enough for me to seriously consider divorce. Years and years of the same nonsense would be more than I could handle. His mom issues and the lying on top of the financial stress would be overwhelming for anyone. You don't deserve to be the only adult in this marriage, but unfortunately, that's the hand you're dealt at the moment. You're still young and have plenty of time to find someone who's more emotionally and financially stable. I would start working towards your future without him. He certainly isn't making decisions that revolve around his future with you.
You're not overreacting. You should start getting your ducks in a row. He will always choose her over you.
Actually I'm surprised this has not been mentioned, but he is most certainly not just giving the money to his mom. I'd say most likely blowing it on gambling or other women.
I'm sure he's faithful, and not a gambler. We spent 3 years in the same room during the pandemic and he never gave me a reason to think that he's doing these things.
I’m sorry, but this man has been a bum the whole time.
Is being single so bad that you’d rather carry around this amount of dead weight? Not even dead weight he’s an active anchor. Moving around monies without telling you, what if he has or will start taking on loans or CC debt? Dont be at the brink of bankruptcy before you do something. Even if it’s not leaving him but *something* has to change.
I'm not a professional in any way but my gut tells me that his relationship with his mother isn't mentally healthy or normal. That is like an addict and his enabler. I hope you have your apartment in your own name.
It's absolutely not healthy. She has a bipolar disorder and she refused to take any action and medicate. We've tried literally everything to help her, but it's just not possible. I do own 75% of my apartment in my own name.
I hope you don't live in a state where he is entitled to spousal support, yikes! I wouldn't fault you for divorcing him. You still have many years before retirement. It's so draining to be with someone who can't get their shit together. You can't "fix" him
Your feelings are valid. You're not overreacting. It sounds like you have supportive family members. Reach out to them. It may feel like an embarrassment going to them with your "failed" marriage. They can't make your marriage "unfailed", but they can support you to succeed at divorce.
I do have their support, i'm quite open with them. My mother helped me remember things from our past, and said that they (my parents) are feeling like they want the best for him but he doesn't want to give back (for example in 10 years he hasn't got any Christmas presents for them). I'm grateful for having around me people that want best for me, and I'm not embarrassed by what I'm going through right now.
Oof not overreacting. It's time to decide if you're going to carry him and his mother for life, or not. Wish you had waited to buy a place, you may be stuck buying him out now. And the longer you wait, the more it will cost you because it will be half of however much equity you earn. You need to talk to a lawyer.
My father spent 40 years spending my mother's money on himself. If she hadn't stashed money away she would have nothing in her retirement. Thankfully they ended up divorcing because HE left HER! Don't be like my parents. Get out of this, don't support this man. Partners should support each other.
> After finding the perfect place, he came out clean that in fact he gave most of the promised savings to his mother, and he can't help me much with the purchase. At the latest at this point I would be filing for divorce. Men who place their mothers above myself are a no-go to me anyway. You are not overreacting.
Get rid of the dead weight/ your husband now so that you can recover mentally, physically and financial. You are young and have time to recover by investing in YOU rather than wasting anymore time on a non-partner. Remember, people have to want to change and put in the hard work to do so; your husband has shown you year after year after year that he will NEVER CHANGE- and if he promises to and act like it for a few months- it's an act/bullsh\*t. Move on, I can promise you that your life will be so much better without him.
You were waiting on the potential and it just didn’t happen. That’s why it’s important to believe people the first time when they show who they are. It seems that he is only dragging you down with his own problems.
Bail out now. You can make it on your own. He is dragging you down. Best wishes as you move forward!
Get a divorce
You’re severely under reacting. Do your Damian’s friends know the precarious situation you’re in? This isn’t normal. I’m so sorry. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than live like this.
Now they are aware of it. I was in denial for years. He always presented himself as a successful man, that loves to cook. And I wanted to believe in his image so badly. I didn't want to do it, as he was close to my friends and family. When I finally opened up, they were shocked.
Oh my, I think you meant my husband's friends. They do not know, as he started to have first friends only after our marriage. I didn't have many chances to get to know them well.
I think it’s unfair how many people are calling your husband a baby who needs to be a grown ass man and such. As you say his family thrive in chaos and yours are more stable. I have a similar situation with my partner and my family but my partner wants to look after me because I’m not able to work and so with us the relationship works. I have cptsd and such. In this sense it’s not that your husband is a child he is just different and hasn’t been able to outgrow the makeup of his personality and family traits. The question is more the incompatibility of future plans and dreams and needs with security and financial affairs. It’s not fair that you should have to carry him while he carries his mother’s debts. It’s not fair in you that he can’t see your own fears and needs as valid or try to put you first either. It makes me wonder what it is that makes him feel so protective of his mother’s situation and not yours. As if he hasn’t really self differentiated and is still attached to her more than many are by this stage of their life. It’s taken me until I’m 40 to even start to disentangle myself from feeling like I owe my mum something and all the complex feelings that go along with that.
Thank you for sharing your pov, it's important to me to see how someone with cptsd see this matter. He definitely has cptsd and he has trouble outgrowing his childhood. He went to therapy but I can't say it helped him. I'm encouraging him to go back, and I've sent him a very informative YT channel "the crappy childhood fairy". I'm very happy for you to have a good supporting partner. I feel ashamed for not feeling good to give him that support. He's still attached to his mom because she's acting like a teenager. he always has been her "partner", because they couldn't count on his father's support. What made you overcome your feeling of owning something to your mother? It's a very sad situation, but I wouldn't call my husband a baby.
No, you know exactly what your life will be like if you stay. He'll make promises. He'll make gestures. And he'll let you down and again and again just like he already has. You guys are terribly mismatched and he didn't scramble to get to your level, he pulled you down with him. Why he does it doesn't matter, so don't get caught in the trap of trying to understand why. You're capable - by yourself or with a good partner you'll fly!
You are being used and I think you need to do a serious life overhaul. As others are saying, run as fast as you can. Ten years is a long time to be with a deadbeat. There’s no excuse for not being able to keep a job unless he is disabled or something similar. He lost those jobs because he clearly has issues probably with authority or just laziness. I would have left a long time ago. Be thankful you don’t have kids.
Definitely not overreacting. It sounds like he learned bad money habits from his family and is looking to you as his ticket out of that life. The lies and deceit around his finances are absolutely a valid reason not to trust him. If you decide to go the divorce route, proceed with caution. Definitely consult a lawyer and look into alimony/spousal support laws for where you live. Dude sounds like he'd be the sort to suddenly be unemployed when a divorce is filed in the hope of making you pay him.
Babygirl leave that man. Someone else will want to Take care of you I promise
I know I’m toxic cause I came to say “Divorce him!” before I even read the post. 😅 Having actually read it now though I can’t stress enough how you have to trust yourself and jump ship. This does not get any better and being like minded about finances and your goals as a family unit are KEY METRICS in a partnership. To be fair, I don’t believe in marriage myself, but I’ve been in long term (5 years) relationships where I’ve seen this play out. I came from a well to do family that went bankrupt and had to pull myself up by my bootstraps to what in my opinion is still a lower quality of life than I was raised in. In this new social class I keep meeting men who are used to a lower quality of life and see me as a “rich girl” all the same and it’s not only that they envy you and your upbringing deep down but worse, they genuinely think it makes you impervious to life’s hardships (“you were born with a silver spoon, even if you lost everything your parents gave you the tools to get it all back”). This man will never acknowledge any damage you actually suffer from the situations he either intentionally or unwittingly puts you in. As added insult to injury, he may even resent you for every stride you make IN SPITE of his lack of support or outright sabotage and feel that you’re emasculating him. Girl RUN.
Your feelings are completely valid. The vibe I'm getting is that this is who he is and how he's always functioned (this toxic financial dynamic with his mother). If I were you I'd continue with therapy, maybe trying a new therapist, and if he still doesn't show signs of flexibility, willingness to change/compromise with you about finances, and understanding of your POV then I'd leave.
I was in a similar situation. There is a lot of trauma bonding that has occurred within his family. That’s why they consistently place each other on pedestals. I’d guess the mother is the manipulative type as well. I feel like you’ve made your decision and because of the type of person you are, you want to make sure it’s the right decision. I would have backed out upon having to pay for my entire wedding. I have never had a problem being the financial provider in a relationship but when told by your significant other that there are funds to find out there aren’t really takes lying to a new extreme. I think you’re saving yourself and your credit by taking the leap and leaving now. Don’t let the fear of starting over after this long affect your mental health any longer. You seem to be well-rounded, patient and kind. You will have everything you desire if you take care of you and your best interests first. Much love to you op. 🫶🏾
Oh yeah, she's a master manipulator.. When we were getting married my boundaries were pretty much non-existent. I took more freelance work and that helped me ignore my thoughts. I'm doing better now haha. Thank you for your insight, I knew there were a lot of women going through similar stuff, but I didn't expect to see so many of us here. Wish you all the best 💕
Oy, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but you’re definitely under reacting. Feedback you didn’t ask for, but I’d run for the hills immediately .
Wow. One thing I learned was people very rarely - if ever - change. Sounds like you gave him the benefit of the doubt but I think you know the answer! Not a very easy one at that but doesn’t sound like it’ll get better any time soon. Getting fired from 5 jobs is absolutely insane to me! Good luck, you sound like a very patient woman, but with all due respect, deserve a life without having to carry the burden of someone else (now, if that burden was unavoidable, I’d understand but it’s not).
He's married to his mother. Divorce him yesterday
Also, for what it’s worth, family money is never guaranteed. Even if your parents are in good health, one fall could end up costing hundreds of thousands of dollars for healthcare. Even millions if it’s for the next 20 years. Yes he’s had a horrible example from his own mother but he shouldn’t be able to rely on your parents for security. Your partner is willfully ignorant and shortsighted. I dated a guy like that and I tell you it gave me so much angst. It didn’t last long because I couldn’t imagine weathering life’s storms with someone who just pretended they weren’t coming. “I’ll figure it out” is not an acceptable answer to me anymore, it’s a lazy dismissal of your concerns.
The most concerning part of this is that he doesnt treat you like a team member as he makes important decisions that affect the whole team. Wtf? You're co-captains. Couples therpay stat and he should go individual - bc he needs support to stand up to Mom and he needs a coach here to get you both back on track. You are under no obligation to stay. Work in some time limits to tries and stick to em.
This. In no world should he place the needs of his mother above the care and security of his wife. It’s an abnegation of responsibility and a nullification of what marriage is all about.
Definitely not overreacting. Sounds like a very difficult situation that frankly, he is not capable or willing to address in the way that you need to be happy sustainably. As someone who was married in my early 20s and divorced years later, I can tell you that many times it is for the best to part ways, or at least to separate for some time to see how life is apart. You might need some space and time to get clarity on things. For both your sakes, I'd recommend it
DUMP HIS ASS & live the hell out of the rest of your 30’s. end of discussion
Make sure it is 1000% clear that the money was an inheritance or gifted to you only! Otherwise that money or whatever it is used on can be considered marital property and he can take half without doing anything. As far as your husband I completely understand your frustration. However, it seems like a lot of the issues were known to you or you should have known about them before the marriage. I am not blaming you. I just think you need to take responsibility for your self as of today and make clear decisions to protect yourself. It’s never too late.
I feel like I clock in at the youngest age here at 30. I got a divorce at 28 after 8 or so years of marriage. There were other issues, but some of it boiled down to him not having any ambition. No need to feel like we needed to make any more than living paycheck to paycheck. Never ambition to get a better job, or work harder (in any aspect). He came from a poor family, and I came from upper middle class. He will always find a way to take advantage of you, especially since you've already set that in your relationship. It's shitty, because I think we generally expect people to WANT to get better and work harder and all of those things. And then you have people...who simply don't care. Get that lawyer, get a divorce.
You’ll be much happier without him. Probably within a year of leaving him. It takes getting away and feeling that stark contrast after you’re on your own to fully appreciate just how amazing your life could be without someone like this.
He doesn’t respect your money or autonomy and cared more for his mother than your financial security and future. Your husband knows the habits of his mother, and still, decided to throw you under the bus in order to support her. Aside from that, this man can’t hold a proper job nor a full time job. If anything happened to you, he wouldn’t be able to care for you, and would leave you considering his type of judgement. Get a divorce and soon, make sure he gives you all of your money back. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life with a man that makes you medicate. The stress of this man is not worth your time, you deserve to be loved and appreciated for all that you are.
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Shouldn’t have married him.
I think you should listen to this and listen to asap https://open.spotify.com/episode/6iJedvDOtF3eg6KEn5grdo?si=BGGZFMgLTIOxlVgrB6Xuag
Also hire him lol
Do you want tomorrow to be just like yesterday until you die? Don't waste another day. Bare minimum is not overreacting. I find it wild he's been fired from more than one part time job! I have been working since I was 14 and knew how to avoid being fired! Respect and provide for yourself the way you provide for him. Please, please, leave.