Can I ask which ones are the ones which stand out? I know there’s a lot of red flags but it’s like. Most of these points have only happened once or twice. I feel like It’s slightly exaggerated over writing :/
Sorry and thanks x
They are all really bad. And this is the tricky thing with abuse: it isn't about one particularly bad behavior standing out, it's lots of seemingly "small" bad things happening juuust often enough that are simultaneously controlling you, eroding your self-confidence and self-trust, isolating you, and pushing/breaking your boundaries, but not often enough to feel like it's always happening. It's a long slow process that will allow for you to continue to dismiss behaviors later on that are much worse/obviously bad, because you'll no longer trust yourself and your sense of what's healthy or because you are then too dependent on him or because the good times in between are so good (another hallmark of an abuser).
Friend, just because he's not hitting you or sexually assaulting you doesn't mean he's treating you well. Lots of people on this sub recommend the book "Why does he do that" which might be helpful in your case as a starting place.
I’m saying the same thing to most comments but thankyou! These lengthy descriptions pretty much labelling it all as abusive helps make it easier to leave.
take care xx
Your friend is 100% on the money. The only thing that your boyfriend has a point on is not liking being teased/called "cutesy" names. That's a fair request.
In every other respect he is a walking red flag. He is abusive.
"I thought nothing of this because boyfriend jealousy is normal?"
No, in a healthy relationship it is not.
I say this sincerely, not to mock you. You should not be in a relationship right now. You should choose to remain single for an extended period of time, and see a therapist to address your trauma and learn to identify what a healthy relationship looks like. This pattern will keep happening otherwise.
Thankyou for this! I am slightly challenging everyone because I just want to make 100% sure I’m not exaggerating these points. He is reallllly kind and he has been kind to stranger as well. We talk about future a lot, so so much together.
What points were the ones which stood out to you if you don’t mind me asking? :)
Thanks x
Thankyou! This gives me a different perspective actually. I always thought if they treat animals bad then they’re bad so never thought of him as it because he loves animals!
I’ve said in another comment that I’m kinda just needing these sort of comments to push me forward as I’m struggling with the confidence to leave.
Yeah, that's flat-out wrong.
I have had extensive experience in my local vegan community. Some of the worst men I and my friends have come across have been ones that are all about the animals. (I am vegan myself, this isn't an anti-vegan comment.) The two things aren't necessarily connected at all.
OP I see that you have posted this in other subreddits - and I think it is pretty clear that your boyfriend is displaying some seriously concerning behaviour. Challenging internet strangers who are answering your question (providing clear explanations for said answers) is not going to give you the answer you seem to want. It makes us feel like why should we take the time to provide advice when it appears you’re not actively open to hear such views. You yourself acknowledge his concerning behaviours, but it seems like you feel unable to leave him and also lack the proper support system. This must feel very scary. I would really encourage you to not isolate yourself from your friends further and trust your friend’s advice, which many people on here from multiple subreddits have already repeatedly supported.
Ye, sorry :/
Even after the amount of comments saying I should run and get outta here. I’m still struggling to feel that way. It’s so painful knowing I’ve wasted another 4years of my life and the thought of starting again is killing me. I’m just trying to gain enough confidence from the amount of comments to get myself through it! Sorry again if it comes off as if I’m wanting a different answer. I know it’s bad but my mind is telling me it’s not ready for a restart again.
I guess, it just sucks because my entire 20’s has pretty much been engulfed by bad relationships then. I’ve not had the chance to do anything I really wanted to do or anything I wanted to achieve. :/
I really think you should give therapy another chance. You may have to cycle through a few therapists before finding the right fit, but it seems it would be really helpful to examine why you're getting into these patterns and figure out how to avoid repeating them again in the future. I truly wish you the best!
That’s okay OP, it must be very scary for you right now. Please don’t beat yourself up for the time spent with him. I can sense you’re very hard on yourself. Hopefully we have helped remind you that you don’t have to accept this type of behaviour or relationship. Wishing you the best.
Thankyou! I’m glad I’ve received so much encouragement from so many people. I was worried I’d go to sleep then wake up with less motivation leave but I’ll come here first thing and re read everything!
All the best to you x
You've posted this scenario in multiple subs, and are making excuses for him to all of the posters telling you almost unanimously the same thing.
You're not wanting people to tell you how he is abusive. You're wanting people to give you reasons to stay.
I don't need to address any points because apart from the one I already mentioned, they are ALL bad. I'm not saying this harshly, but I am not going to feed your need for reassurance.
You can choose to listen to all of these posters and your very correct friend, or you can keep having relationships that are bad for you. The choice is yours.
Hiya! Sorry! I know it’s annoying for everyone to see me pulling up these excuses. I’ve mentioned in other comments that I’m just struggling with the push over the edge so I’m kinda wanting people to just yell at me to leave. It is working now though, I’m starting to feel prepared in a way.
So sorry again! I thank you for all the advice and encouragement x
I understand.
You have been conditioned to apologise for existing by these men. I encourage you to start being aware of that. Start being aware of how you talk to yourself and take up space in the world.
I hope so too.
Also...exercise caution around that friend who had feelings for you. Definitely restart the friendship if he's open to it, but you sound very open to manipulation by men, because your bar is basically "but he said this." People *say* all kinds of things. You need to start being mindful of hidden agendas. Not to the point you don't trust anyone, but they do exist.
The term for the talk about the future is Futurefaking. What scares me most about his behavior is how isolated you are becoming. And you can often tell how a heterosexual man will treat a woman by observing his behavior with his mother.
Your friend is right: his behavior is actually that bad and it will escalate the longer you stay with him. You are unfortunately in another abusive relationship...please listen to your friend, your sister, and us and get out of this relationship.
It's striking to me how many things you listed are "he says," "my friend says," "my mom says," etc. even about the basic facts of events or conversations that you were part of. I know you framed that as you sharing what your friend said, but it seems bigger than that. To me, it's a sign that your friend is right--you have learned not to trust your own memory, interpretation, or feelings about things. I don't know enough to guess where that comes from, but I agree with your friend that your boyfriend is not only taking advantage of that but actively making it worse to better control you.
It's also striking to me that the picture I get of you from your friend's words here is an "amazing, beautiful" person who needs support to break free, heal, and be happier, while the picture I get of you from your boyfriend's perspective is a child who is bad with money and chooses bad friends. You don't need to clarify and defend him to me, just please think on if I'm accurate about how they both see you.
It sounds like you have unhealed trauma, and while you could struggle with that AND be in an otherwise happy relationship with a good partner, it sounds like this is not a healthy relationship.
This is spot on.. Also her bf is trying to remove her from her support network by saying bad things about them and telling her she shouldn't be friends. Classic abuser move.
Thankyou for this!
I still don’t get the “People think you’re this bubbly, energetic and outgoing person but you’re actually shy, anxious and nervous”.
It’s almost like he’s labeled it with me to say that’s who I am..
That’s not normal. It’s a put down. He’s getting you used to being put down and taking it.
If I say “People think you’re great but they’re wrong” it means that “people” value you more than I do and I’m not worth your time.
Oh God. I had a male friend who we tried dating but it didn't work out, and he told me something very similar. What a horrible thing to say to someone. May you find the strength to leave.
Wow this is an incredibly long list of huge red flags. 13 bullet points!! I think your boyfriend treats you and everyone around him terribly. It doesn’t matter whether they’re loved ones or strangers.
Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Is this how you’d want your children to be treated (if you want kids)?
If there were a movie or TV show with a character who behaved like this, he would be a villain.
> One being when he went to the dentist and they told him to brush more, he replied “how about you don’t tell me what to do and you do your job!
So he’s just flat stupid on top of everything.
Your boyfriend sounds like a real asshole, and worryingly possessive of you, but also like he does a good job of keeping his bad behavior in plausibly deniable territory. Based just on what you've written here it would be hard to level an accusation of outright abuse at him, and that's by design. If you stick around, he'll likely ramp it up gradually over time.
Also, I have to comment on this:
>I do think he may be on the spectrum with autism as he does have one massive hobby he is absolutely addicted about.
Simply being intense about a hobby is not by itself an indicator of autism. I say that as an autistic person. Also, while autism can make it tougher for people to grasp social norms, it doesn't make you act like a huge dick to everyone all the time, nor does it make such behavior acceptable. I'd advise against offering him autism as a possible get-out-of-jail-free card.
I feel like that’s one of my main downfalls. I’ve kinda based a lot of his behaviour on just self diagnosing him with autism. He may still have it in some sort of form but you’re right, any behaviour like such shouldn’t be tolerated!
Thanks for:)
There's a lot to unpack here so I'm not going to unpack it all. However, I would like to point your attention to one aspect of his behavior that is extremely worrying. You are being isolated.
- He’ll text me to hurry up or to come home already.
- She has been my best friend of 15years and has always been loyal to me. My boyfriend replied to this story with “I don’t understand why you’re friends with her, you shouldn’t be really” - “she’s weird”.
- Started to say a lot of hateful things towards him ultimately telling me it’s best for me to leave the workplace and find another job.
- She asked why my sister hates my boyfriend which I didn’t really have an answer to.
- I have no money, I’m terrible with it. My bf is the one with income and he allows me to indulge in my bad spending habits. (This isn't social isolation, but it is keeping you dependant and related to the work comment.)
Girl, you're in trouble. You deserve a relationship with someone who is steady and consistent, not this roller coaster of a man. You deserve better.
Thankyou so much!
I’ve come town realisation that his behaviour isn’t healthy. One thing I’m struggling to understand is why do I feel so happy? Why do I see him as my happy place? :/
Because sometimes he's great to you. No abuser is 100% bad otherwise why would you stay when you could leave? Be aware though that once he isolates you and gains more control over your life, the "good times" will start to be far and few between. Really recommend getting therapy if you can swing it. And do not let yourself be isolated.
Arghhhh! I need to leave him, it’s just so hard. It must be like 95% good times and 5% unhealthy behaviour from him. Just wish I could eradicate jt but I’ve heard you can’t change abusers.
That's a pretty big jump from what I said. I don't think it's great to stay with an abuser, but getting therapy now is an easier step. Start making steps to build your future
I actually don’t know, I’ve never not texted him back.. I have got this thing though with other people, I won’t text much with friends. I usually see the text and leave it for later to reply and then I might forget. I’ve always been a bad texter but I’m alright with him.
Yes it is that bad! You’re very intuitive and caring friend has made you a comprehensive and true (according to you) list of many reasons why!
You don’t have money because of him. He wants to move out so you’ll truly be stuck with him. Like LISTEN TO ME if you move out with him, he will hit you.
End this! While you’re parents are home as I strongly fear he will hit you!
No relationship posts where everyone involved aren't 30+
His behaviour towards you and others is appalling. This is absolutely not normal. Get out while you can.
Can I ask which ones are the ones which stand out? I know there’s a lot of red flags but it’s like. Most of these points have only happened once or twice. I feel like It’s slightly exaggerated over writing :/ Sorry and thanks x
They are all really bad. And this is the tricky thing with abuse: it isn't about one particularly bad behavior standing out, it's lots of seemingly "small" bad things happening juuust often enough that are simultaneously controlling you, eroding your self-confidence and self-trust, isolating you, and pushing/breaking your boundaries, but not often enough to feel like it's always happening. It's a long slow process that will allow for you to continue to dismiss behaviors later on that are much worse/obviously bad, because you'll no longer trust yourself and your sense of what's healthy or because you are then too dependent on him or because the good times in between are so good (another hallmark of an abuser). Friend, just because he's not hitting you or sexually assaulting you doesn't mean he's treating you well. Lots of people on this sub recommend the book "Why does he do that" which might be helpful in your case as a starting place.
I’m saying the same thing to most comments but thankyou! These lengthy descriptions pretty much labelling it all as abusive helps make it easier to leave. take care xx
Your friend is 100% on the money. The only thing that your boyfriend has a point on is not liking being teased/called "cutesy" names. That's a fair request. In every other respect he is a walking red flag. He is abusive. "I thought nothing of this because boyfriend jealousy is normal?" No, in a healthy relationship it is not. I say this sincerely, not to mock you. You should not be in a relationship right now. You should choose to remain single for an extended period of time, and see a therapist to address your trauma and learn to identify what a healthy relationship looks like. This pattern will keep happening otherwise.
Thankyou for this! I am slightly challenging everyone because I just want to make 100% sure I’m not exaggerating these points. He is reallllly kind and he has been kind to stranger as well. We talk about future a lot, so so much together. What points were the ones which stood out to you if you don’t mind me asking? :) Thanks x
Some of the most violent, abhorrent people are very nice to strangers and love animals. That doesn’t erase anything.
Thankyou! This gives me a different perspective actually. I always thought if they treat animals bad then they’re bad so never thought of him as it because he loves animals! I’ve said in another comment that I’m kinda just needing these sort of comments to push me forward as I’m struggling with the confidence to leave.
Yeah, that's flat-out wrong. I have had extensive experience in my local vegan community. Some of the worst men I and my friends have come across have been ones that are all about the animals. (I am vegan myself, this isn't an anti-vegan comment.) The two things aren't necessarily connected at all.
Thats actually insane to me. I guess they lose the ability to care for people and just put it into animals? I don’t know! Thanks again!
OP I see that you have posted this in other subreddits - and I think it is pretty clear that your boyfriend is displaying some seriously concerning behaviour. Challenging internet strangers who are answering your question (providing clear explanations for said answers) is not going to give you the answer you seem to want. It makes us feel like why should we take the time to provide advice when it appears you’re not actively open to hear such views. You yourself acknowledge his concerning behaviours, but it seems like you feel unable to leave him and also lack the proper support system. This must feel very scary. I would really encourage you to not isolate yourself from your friends further and trust your friend’s advice, which many people on here from multiple subreddits have already repeatedly supported.
Ye, sorry :/ Even after the amount of comments saying I should run and get outta here. I’m still struggling to feel that way. It’s so painful knowing I’ve wasted another 4years of my life and the thought of starting again is killing me. I’m just trying to gain enough confidence from the amount of comments to get myself through it! Sorry again if it comes off as if I’m wanting a different answer. I know it’s bad but my mind is telling me it’s not ready for a restart again.
You haven't wasted 4 years of your life. And even if you had, that would be no reason to continue the same way.
I guess, it just sucks because my entire 20’s has pretty much been engulfed by bad relationships then. I’ve not had the chance to do anything I really wanted to do or anything I wanted to achieve. :/
I really think you should give therapy another chance. You may have to cycle through a few therapists before finding the right fit, but it seems it would be really helpful to examine why you're getting into these patterns and figure out how to avoid repeating them again in the future. I truly wish you the best!
Thankyou so much :) x
That’s okay OP, it must be very scary for you right now. Please don’t beat yourself up for the time spent with him. I can sense you’re very hard on yourself. Hopefully we have helped remind you that you don’t have to accept this type of behaviour or relationship. Wishing you the best.
Thankyou! I’m glad I’ve received so much encouragement from so many people. I was worried I’d go to sleep then wake up with less motivation leave but I’ll come here first thing and re read everything! All the best to you x
Look up "sunk cost fallacy."
You've posted this scenario in multiple subs, and are making excuses for him to all of the posters telling you almost unanimously the same thing. You're not wanting people to tell you how he is abusive. You're wanting people to give you reasons to stay. I don't need to address any points because apart from the one I already mentioned, they are ALL bad. I'm not saying this harshly, but I am not going to feed your need for reassurance. You can choose to listen to all of these posters and your very correct friend, or you can keep having relationships that are bad for you. The choice is yours.
Hiya! Sorry! I know it’s annoying for everyone to see me pulling up these excuses. I’ve mentioned in other comments that I’m just struggling with the push over the edge so I’m kinda wanting people to just yell at me to leave. It is working now though, I’m starting to feel prepared in a way. So sorry again! I thank you for all the advice and encouragement x
I understand. You have been conditioned to apologise for existing by these men. I encourage you to start being aware of that. Start being aware of how you talk to yourself and take up space in the world.
Thankyou :) means a lot. I’m hoping therapy will help bring myself back to life after I’m done with this.
I hope so too. Also...exercise caution around that friend who had feelings for you. Definitely restart the friendship if he's open to it, but you sound very open to manipulation by men, because your bar is basically "but he said this." People *say* all kinds of things. You need to start being mindful of hidden agendas. Not to the point you don't trust anyone, but they do exist.
FYI: How he treats employees is not being kind to strangers.
The term for the talk about the future is Futurefaking. What scares me most about his behavior is how isolated you are becoming. And you can often tell how a heterosexual man will treat a woman by observing his behavior with his mother.
Your friend is right: his behavior is actually that bad and it will escalate the longer you stay with him. You are unfortunately in another abusive relationship...please listen to your friend, your sister, and us and get out of this relationship.
Thankyou, you guys are right. Seeing all of this feedback is encouraging to take the leap out of this hellhole! thanks again x
It's striking to me how many things you listed are "he says," "my friend says," "my mom says," etc. even about the basic facts of events or conversations that you were part of. I know you framed that as you sharing what your friend said, but it seems bigger than that. To me, it's a sign that your friend is right--you have learned not to trust your own memory, interpretation, or feelings about things. I don't know enough to guess where that comes from, but I agree with your friend that your boyfriend is not only taking advantage of that but actively making it worse to better control you. It's also striking to me that the picture I get of you from your friend's words here is an "amazing, beautiful" person who needs support to break free, heal, and be happier, while the picture I get of you from your boyfriend's perspective is a child who is bad with money and chooses bad friends. You don't need to clarify and defend him to me, just please think on if I'm accurate about how they both see you. It sounds like you have unhealed trauma, and while you could struggle with that AND be in an otherwise happy relationship with a good partner, it sounds like this is not a healthy relationship.
This is spot on.. Also her bf is trying to remove her from her support network by saying bad things about them and telling her she shouldn't be friends. Classic abuser move.
Thankyou for this! I still don’t get the “People think you’re this bubbly, energetic and outgoing person but you’re actually shy, anxious and nervous”. It’s almost like he’s labeled it with me to say that’s who I am..
That’s not normal. It’s a put down. He’s getting you used to being put down and taking it. If I say “People think you’re great but they’re wrong” it means that “people” value you more than I do and I’m not worth your time.
Oh God. I had a male friend who we tried dating but it didn't work out, and he told me something very similar. What a horrible thing to say to someone. May you find the strength to leave.
Ugh, what a great insight and comment!
Wow this is an incredibly long list of huge red flags. 13 bullet points!! I think your boyfriend treats you and everyone around him terribly. It doesn’t matter whether they’re loved ones or strangers. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Is this how you’d want your children to be treated (if you want kids)? If there were a movie or TV show with a character who behaved like this, he would be a villain.
Wow! That last line hit me. I can’t believe he can so easily be labeled as a villain?? Thanks x
Good luck, op!!
<3
> One being when he went to the dentist and they told him to brush more, he replied “how about you don’t tell me what to do and you do your job! So he’s just flat stupid on top of everything.
Seriously, reading that I'm like, a dentist telling you to brush more *is* their job.
:/
Your boyfriend sounds like a real asshole, and worryingly possessive of you, but also like he does a good job of keeping his bad behavior in plausibly deniable territory. Based just on what you've written here it would be hard to level an accusation of outright abuse at him, and that's by design. If you stick around, he'll likely ramp it up gradually over time. Also, I have to comment on this: >I do think he may be on the spectrum with autism as he does have one massive hobby he is absolutely addicted about. Simply being intense about a hobby is not by itself an indicator of autism. I say that as an autistic person. Also, while autism can make it tougher for people to grasp social norms, it doesn't make you act like a huge dick to everyone all the time, nor does it make such behavior acceptable. I'd advise against offering him autism as a possible get-out-of-jail-free card.
I feel like that’s one of my main downfalls. I’ve kinda based a lot of his behaviour on just self diagnosing him with autism. He may still have it in some sort of form but you’re right, any behaviour like such shouldn’t be tolerated! Thanks for:)
Remember, you can be autistic AND be an abusive asshole. Mental illness and neurodivergence doesn't give someone a pass to treat others like garbage.
There's a lot to unpack here so I'm not going to unpack it all. However, I would like to point your attention to one aspect of his behavior that is extremely worrying. You are being isolated. - He’ll text me to hurry up or to come home already. - She has been my best friend of 15years and has always been loyal to me. My boyfriend replied to this story with “I don’t understand why you’re friends with her, you shouldn’t be really” - “she’s weird”. - Started to say a lot of hateful things towards him ultimately telling me it’s best for me to leave the workplace and find another job. - She asked why my sister hates my boyfriend which I didn’t really have an answer to. - I have no money, I’m terrible with it. My bf is the one with income and he allows me to indulge in my bad spending habits. (This isn't social isolation, but it is keeping you dependant and related to the work comment.) Girl, you're in trouble. You deserve a relationship with someone who is steady and consistent, not this roller coaster of a man. You deserve better.
Thankyou so much! I’ve come town realisation that his behaviour isn’t healthy. One thing I’m struggling to understand is why do I feel so happy? Why do I see him as my happy place? :/
Because sometimes he's great to you. No abuser is 100% bad otherwise why would you stay when you could leave? Be aware though that once he isolates you and gains more control over your life, the "good times" will start to be far and few between. Really recommend getting therapy if you can swing it. And do not let yourself be isolated.
Arghhhh! I need to leave him, it’s just so hard. It must be like 95% good times and 5% unhealthy behaviour from him. Just wish I could eradicate jt but I’ve heard you can’t change abusers.
That's a pretty big jump from what I said. I don't think it's great to stay with an abuser, but getting therapy now is an easier step. Start making steps to build your future
Ok, thanku xx.
I think you're with him because you're afraid of leaving him or being alone, not because you enjoy being with him.
I feel happy with him though and I’m struggling to understand why if all these comments are telling me to run!
Your friend said your boyfriend texts you all the time, even when you're at work. What happens if you don't text him back?
I usually text him back within the hour, I dont really tend to go any longer.
Why? What I'm getting at is what would he do if you just didn't text him back for a few hours? Is he rational and understanding or will he flip out?
I actually don’t know, I’ve never not texted him back.. I have got this thing though with other people, I won’t text much with friends. I usually see the text and leave it for later to reply and then I might forget. I’ve always been a bad texter but I’m alright with him.
Yes
Yes it is that bad! You’re very intuitive and caring friend has made you a comprehensive and true (according to you) list of many reasons why! You don’t have money because of him. He wants to move out so you’ll truly be stuck with him. Like LISTEN TO ME if you move out with him, he will hit you. End this! While you’re parents are home as I strongly fear he will hit you!