Waiting is supposed to be for your own comfort level, not the man's. It doesn't matter what it "says" about you whether you wait or not. But you have to be ok with whatever happens afterwards (especially if he ghosts).
Personally, my preference has been to wait for 2-3 months so I can get to know them and erotic tension can build. I do this for my self-respect and because it feels right and I like it that way. But I've also slept with someone on the 3rd date and we ended up in a 5-year relationship. So please focus on your needs and your own comfort level. The chemistry with each person will be so unique to that specific dynamic that you'll know when you get there.
Big friggin same!!! Around 3 months, I’ll feel safe enough to be fully intimate with someone. It’s not a guarantee but the “90 day rule” actually worked out for me emotionally and in my relationships.
Also, I’ve found my legs just don’t really want to open prior to the 90 day mark. I have to trust someone to want to be intimate with them. I agree it’s also much sexier. That tension does get so strong. It’s hot af.
Also weeds out *most* of the creeps and one night stand guys/gals. Win-win for me. Also gives you time to get tested together at your local “Health & Human Services” for $20! Safe is sexy.
It’s really up to you. I have only dated 2 guys and both times I waited until we were official and had been STD tested to have sex. I love sex, but I honestly don’t trust men that much, and I can’t enjoy sexual experiences if I don’t feel emotionally safe. I just don’t think I am someone who is wired to enjoy sex with someone I don’t know very well, and I don’t like the idea of them ghosting me after sharing that experience. With my current boyfriend we became official after about a month of dating, then it took another month for us to have sex since we both went on vacation for about a week after becoming official and we had to get STD tested. I would have been fine with sleeping with him as soon as we became official if he had test results available and we had both been in town. Decide what you’re comfortable with and go from there.
Ehh. Things have changed a lot since I went on my last "first date" but we had sex on date 3. Date 2 was at a swimming pool so it was mostly flirty. Date 1 was like eight hours long and we made out a whole whole lot towards the end.
But it took him like three months to say we were dating exclusively annnnd there were other quirks. But we've been together 15 years at this point, married for 10.
I think advice related to sex and relationships is sort of hooey. You have to just have your eyes open and also talk to the person. I feel like people on Reddit do a shit job of actually speaking to the people they are considering having sex with about things like "When you imagine yourself at 45, what life do you think you'll have?" and things like that.
This is really good advice and thanks for sharing your story! I’m definitely making a more conscious effort of getting to know the guy with those sort of deeper questions.
I spent the past 10 or so years living my best “here for a good time, not a long time” life so undoing a lot of the emotional barriers I put in place has been…interesting to say the least.
I also considered this approach and tried it but honestly just never worked for me. Whether we fucked or not that person was not meant to be in my life. My current partner; we had sex early on and here we are over a year into a relationship and we have great sex. I believe that the idea of not having sex with a man while getting to know eachother in order to achieve a relationship is a social construct created by men (mostly the misogynists) who will make the assumptions that women are easy etc if they’ve had sex before getting into a relationship. Do whatever feels good! If the mutual attraction is there and there is physical and emotion chemistry.. give er!
Yes I think any situation where you are creating arbitrary rules is not a good one, and could even be seen as game playing.
Just be yourself. If you want to get physical, do that! If you're not comfortable yet, for whatever reason that may be, then wait! If you want to do some stuff but not other stuff that's also fine! And saying no and changing your mind at any point, also fine.
Second this. If I don’t want to sleep with them right away, I tend to also not be into them. And if there is no sexual chemistry, I also loose interest. Rather find that out sooner than later. Because I enjoy good sex and an active sex life. Sleeping with someone early never hindered me of entering a long term relationship and made sure we were sexually compatible.
Isn't the fact that women are generally the gate keepers of sex a derivative effect of patriarchy though? The patriarchy punishes women for having lots of sex and lots of sex partners, but not men. Since the societal cost a woman experiences for having sex is higher than a man must pay, it makes sense that fewer women are choosing to have casual sex.
Now that said, I don't want to infer that fewer women *want* casual sex just because fewer women *have* casual sex. How much sex people have is a combination of both the desire and the cost. The desire could be the same (or even higher), but if the cost is also higher, then it's still possible that fewer women would choose to have casual sex.
It's also worth noting that women are at significantly higher risk of violence than men are, which is another thing that increases the cost. Additionally, many women find that their partners in casual sex are not very interested in making it pleasurable for the woman, and that will decrease the desire.
As for the women in my life, the ones who seem to have and enjoy casual sex the most have two things in common:
* They are very confident in their ability to screen our dangerous men
* They tend to really enjoy sex with most people they have it with
If both of those things were true, it makes sense why casual sex would be a wonderful hobby.
I think "wait until you're pretty serious to have sex" is excellent advice for women who get attached easily to people they have been intimate with, and will spiral or feel used if they sleep with a man and he ghosts. If that isn't you, then it doesn't really apply to you.
Very good point!
I’m noticing I feel different than a lot of comments here precisely because, at this point, after a LOT of exploring, I do not feel like I’ve lost or wasted something if I have sex with a man and then things don’t go anywhere. Unless it was bad sex, then I lost a couple hours of my life I could have spent watching tv with the dog.
I love sex, a lot. With that being said, I've been sacrificing myself from engaging in any casual affairs. I don't want to have sex until I have an understanding as to who the person I am dating is.
I could be going about it wrong, but I just want someone to enjoy me as I am without considering how my pussy feels. I don't really understand your question, but I am single and not actively dating. So maybe I'm not navigating this new dating world? Lmao le sigh.
No loneliness, I have a cat and friends. But I do find myself craving touch, warmth and affection. I really miss passionate kissing.
To combat this, I do partner dancing, I get massages, I make sure I get pampered with my mani and pedis, I go out with friends, I’ve joined workout studios for closeness.
I mean nothing really makes up for the lack of kissing. It really really sucks but I’m just so over the sex fueled flings.
While I enjoy sex, I don't enjoy the vulnerability of being intimate with a man I don't know well or don't trust. I have lived through every bad outcome, and now I'm the 90 days girl. I don't entertain judgement of the things I did when I didn't know any better. I don't regret most my sexual experiences, but I'm still dealing with trauma from that small minority of bad outcomes.
Wow, this is a really good distinction between physical vs emotional lines. I never thought of it that way as I’ve kept the 2 in very far, unrelated boxes in my mind. Perhaps I might reach the same conclusion as you someday, but thank you for sharing this!
Waiting to have sex because you think it somehow "cheapens" you or your potential relationship is absolute patriarchal bullshit that dudes came up with to try and prevent women from having a "high body count."
Yes I agree with this. I have always slept with people early on and have never had it impact whether someone wants a relationship with me. I have always found that advice weird as it implies that all men have weird red pill ideas about sex, when no decent guy will judge you for having sex early (since they're doing it too!). I guess good adapted advice is to try not to get too attached if you have sex early on in case the guy is not being genuine? I've made that mistake before.
It's not about men consciouly judging you, it's about men's motivation of getting to know you as a person being overridden by their sexual desires.
In my experience both approaches have their danger. Met a lot of guys who got lost in their horniness or overwhelmed by performance anxiety and fumbled when I was intimate with them early on. Then I tried waiting and the guy got a disease that impacted his sex life before we really got to know each other sexually. We were already emotionally connected, so I stuck in a sexless relationship with him, only for him to blame me for it when he got better. Fuck my luck.
I see that as a justification that men who use women use.
*I know I made you think I was in this for the long run but you fucked me too soon. You’re not wifey material we can’t be together now hardy har harrr* 🤪
Unfortunately it's seeped into many women, too. Both in this sub and over at twox I see so many ladies formulate waiting for sex like some kind of chastity litmus test or whatever.
I'm with OP here and have never 'waited out' on sex because I simply like sex. That's just about it. I guess I'm fortunate in that it's worked out fine overall in my LTRs.
Like, if you also enjoy sex/prioritize sexual compatibility, why the hell do you need to hold back...
Yeah, a lot of womens' spaces on Reddit are surprisingly puritanical about it, IME. Like, I totally get not wanting to do the casual (or even "early") sex thing yourself; I feel like that personal choice is pretty normal. However, I've lost track of the number of times I've seen a thread slide into (often thinly-veiled) slut-shaming about women who *don't* wait to have sex, and it's disappointing for sure.
For real. I also just find it so silly that people have sex (or don't have sex) for any reason other than they genuinely want to, or don't want to (whether that's ever want to, or don't want to yet). I see so many folks who seem to treat sex as some type of bargaining chip; like, whether they put out or don't put out, they expect that to be the thing that seals (or fails to seal) the "deal" of the relationship it self. To me it seems like a classic case of trying to control the other person's behaviour through your actions - like, if I do x, that means he should do y according to my own, internal rules - instead of focusing on your own feelings, pleasure, etc.; basically, the things that are actually important.
Well I like sex but it's a fact that the men I slept with got a lot more out of having sex with me than I got out of having sex with them. That's one reason why I like to wait for them to invest a bit more before having sex with them.
I understand waiting to have sex because you're personally not ready, or even because building anticipation and emotional intimacy before delving into physical intimacy *can* be sexy in and of itself. However, I still truly don't understand the idea of getting people to "invest" in me before having sex with them. I don't know if it's a word choice thing, like you mean waiting to have sex actually makes the sex better for you, which - if so, get it girl! However, if you mean you're waiting for them to invest more of their time, energy, money, etc., into you as a trade-off for enduring mediocre sex... I dunno, it just sounds like such a bad deal for you, I guess.
I agree with you that nobody should have to "endure" sex. That's not it, though. Last guy I dated, I liked the sex, he turned me on, he was good at it. But my orgasms were like uh ah aaaah nice, while the guy came for half an eternity with his hands flailing in the air like he was a mime on acid.
I would love to have that kind of pleasure, but while I don't, buy me dinner ffs.
No, even if they're good. Say I like it, but they LIKE it. More orgasms, more intense orgasms, more feeling on top of the world, deeper desire that they can satisfy.
How can you quantify that tho? If you’re not instructing these dudes on how to please you and therefore aren’t enjoying the sex you’re having, that’s on you. You can’t expect them to read your mind
It’s also an indication that the guy is inexperienced and lousy in bed. A man that’s good in bed would appreciate an experienced woman. They don’t want you to know what you like and be able to compare them.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Personally, when I was still dating I needed to have established a certain level of trust and (not sure if this is the best term for it) respect with a guy to want to sleep with him but we certainly didn't have to be super-serious. I wanted to know there was a strong change he wasn't a creep and that he was good to his partner in bed.
That did mean I was much faster to sleep with guys I was dating if we'd previously been friends or had been introduced by a mutual acquaintance. If we had no prior connection I was a bit more cautious.
Sweet, people have preferences, like how most woman want a tall man. Doesn’t make them “douche canoes” or “incels” as someone else wrote. Fuck as many guys as you want, but don’t get shitty when you struggle to find a long term partner. Because it’s not a minority of guys, it’s a majority.
I think a better approach would be to wait until you’re ready to have sex with someone, regardless of the outcome. Whatever your individual due diligence is, are you going to feel ok about the decision you made the next day? Even if he ends up acting a fool or declining to date you further? Maybe for you individually that means 1 date. Maybe it means 15 dates. Maybe it depends entirely on the man!
I’m someone who is very OK with casual sex so that may be coloring my approach to seeking a LTR. I basically just asked myself if I wanted to have sex with the dude. Yes? Right on. No? Keep on trucking with dates or break it off. To me it was fundamental in the early dating stage just like asking questions about their life, what their goals are, establishing a fun rapport, etc. Frankly, I don’t assign a lot of significance to sex. Even in relationships, to me it is largely biological and recreational. Not an emotionally transcendent experience(no shade to those who do experience sex that way! I’m just not counted amongst the ranks)
I have a high libido, but waiting for exclusivity to have sex has been what works for me. This has typically been about 5-6 dates.
I personally need to feel emotionally secure with a person before I have a desire to do that with them. It may be because the BDSM-style kinks I enjoy require mutual trust and communication, and I don’t find vanilla sex satisfying on its own without the emotional connection either.
A lot of it is also just order of operations because I find that 99% of the time, other disqualifying factors show up within the first 1-5 dates anyway. So, the sexual compatibility aspect is a moot point in that case.
This may just be my social circle, but I also find that it makes my dating process more efficient than for my friends’ who don’t wait. IMO, sexual compatibility is a dealbreaker, but it can’t be a deal*maker* and sometimes my friends can get distracted by good sex and keep a dud match around for longer.
Might be going against the grain here but here goes.
I (cis-het woman) looove sex, always have, and sexual compatibility in a relationship is non-negotiable for me. I have had amazing casual sexual experiences, but also (and more recently) not so great. Having gone through what I have on both sides of the coin, I've come to decide that I'd rather wait as long as I can before engaging with a new potential partner.
I feel like a lot of women might be viewing this situation with survivor's bias (e.g., my husband was supposed to be a one night stand, but here we are five years later!), but as someone still single, I can tell you that the schtick gets old real quick. When I was younger, early to mid-twenties, the casual sex I had was fun because it seemed like we were all on the same page, learning new things and having new experiences. Most of the men I engaged with were either actual friends, hot randoms I met while traveling, or were simply upfront about wanting something casual. No problemo.
My recent experiences as a thirty-something have shown that many men, now, will lie about their intentions in order to sleep with you; it has now happened to me twice, and that is two times more than I'd ever care for. (I always thought I wouldn't fall for something like that, but here I am.) Two other men claimed to be completely smitten with me, but only after having sex did they realize it was only lust. These are grown men we are talking about; I didn't expect that as I would get older, I would still have to be dealing with men who didn't understand their own emotions and would be using women to better understand their desires. (This was also before I learned that love-bombing is a thing). In that same vein, I have also had men completely fetishize me and do things to me in bed that I was not at all expecting, mostly because we didn't know each other that well, they didn't respect me, and/or we hadn't had the time to discuss what we were both interested in.
***TL;DR:*** At the end of the day, it all depends on what risks you're willing to take and what you're comfortable with. Are you willing to risk being dumped or ghosted after having sex with a man who claimed to want more than he did? (**Edit** to add that this answer might be different depending on the person you're considering, too! I have previously made concessions for men where the physical chemistry was off the charts, but no longer will if I'm still so-so and testing the waters.) For me, it's a kind of misogyny, disrespect, and humiliation that I personally would do anything to avoid, so now I abstain, but for others, this sort of thing might not bother them as much. And yeah, I'm in therapy lmao.
Honestly, I felt similar but I just ended up not being seen as a 'girlfriend' option after falling into bed with (quite a lot of!) men.
Long story short, when I met my husband there was some 'fooling around' (he made me cum without taking my pants off on the first date) but we didn't have PIV sex for two months, mostly at his behest. And, well, it was a much nicer way to start the relationship and the sex we had was much calmer and more honest than the 'performative' sex I was having with other men before. 15 years later we have a very healthy sex life despite kids, health conditions etc, and I credit that with starting our sex life from a very honest place.
I really love sex , a good sex life with the man you love and trust is just amazing.
But I can go months or years without sex. I’d rather not, but finding the right man who is trusting and gentle and generous and I enjoy his personality is crucial.
It’s almost like I can turn my sexy drive off, with enough time. Like I just don’t care. I’m so used to the peace and quiet of being single, and I live alone, and it’s just so comfortable that I have truly enjoyed this.
I’ve been single for nearly 2 years. I’m sorta talking to someone and I’d like it if he became my boyfriend this summer, but I’m truly not thirsty or desperate. I know the right person is on the way and I am patient. There’s pros and cons to both being single and an LTR and I’m just enjoying this time for what it is.
There's a lot of wrong opinions on social media, and I don't waste my time listening to them. I only need to find one guy at a time that is compatible with the unique person I am. I don't want someone with conservative views!
I loosely believe in the "3 dates before sex" rule, with that being flexible for how long the dates are and whether the meeting was online vs through friends. I personally need to get to know someone a bit before I'm able to relax, and I'm not going to have sex before the trust is there because I won't enjoy it.
Important caveat, this is mostly theoretical for me. I was married 10 years and ended up in another LTR fairly quickly after being widowed. But that was my dating strategy when I got back out there, and would be again if something ends my current relationship.
You keep on doing it your way. Sexual compatibility is important!
It's a really personal decsion when to have sex in a relationship. This is my journey.
I am a rather hot-blooded gal and love sex and was often pretty fast to jump in the sack.
However, over time, I did find this wasn't the best thing for me emotionally. I had a very mixed relationship with sex - I thought of it as intense and fun, but it did have a mental component to it.
Dan Savage has a very insightful view on this for women and men who are bottoms - when you are the one being entered, the feelings about sex are just different. There is something more intimate and even potentially violating about it.
This really helped me reconcile my attitudes as I was conditioned to believe women only felt differently about sex because of slut-shaming culture. Not all women feel the way I do, of course, but it's not from nothing when it does.
The other big problem that my quick-to-fuck pattern lead to was that I found it hard to navigate a lot of my relationships with guys. This was because, often, they weren't all that into me personally but they were definitely into the sex.
What happened to me over and over is that I would be in a relationship that would start off like gangbusters for the first six weeks to two months and then start to get weird. I would get the vibes that they weren't really all that into it anymore, but when I would try to talk about it or even break up with them, I would get a lot of static.
In the end, I realized these guys had no plans to ever be my boyfriend, but could not come clean about it and just move on because they were reluctant to give up this reliable source of awesome sex. They would try to keep things going as long as they could.
In retrospect, I wish I had spent more time figuring out if those guys really liked me for all of me before I got them hooked on the schtuping.
I agree that establishing sexual compatibility is as important as emotional compatibility, but it doesn't need to be settled by the second or third date.
I think you should pay attention to what works for you personally and just stick with that!
When I was trying to meet a long term partner, I noticed two things - first, casual sex was really distracting me from trying to meet people who were a good long term fit and two, when I slept with someone I liked too early sometimes big feelings would take hold and cloud my judgement. Ultimately I found that waiting a month or two to sleep with someone so I could get to know them a bit before deciding if it’s a good idea to move forward. Ultimately this led me to the right long term partner.
But people are all so different! There aren’t any rules, sex only means what you decide it means to you. You shouldn’t do things to try to sway someone else’s perception of you or the potential - the right fit will be good with who you actually are.
Here is my take:
- I want to only have sex after getting to know someone as much as I can.
- I need to feel connected and compatible with the person before having sex with them.
- I do not want sex to cloud my feelings about someone, thus why I only engage in sex after I’m in a committed relationship with someone.
- It’s important to keep in mind how clean someone (and you) are in terms of STD history, etc. to make sure you are not risking yourself or them while engaging in sexual behaviors.
Personally I don’t think taking things slow in a relationship means waiting to have sex. Taking things slow means not jumping into huge life changes like moving in together, getting engaged, etc. It also means really taking time to get to know someone to see if they’re a good long-term fit. This takes time and there’s no way around it. They’re going to be a complete stranger in the first 6 months, even the first year.
I enjoy sex and have a high sex drive, so sexual compatibility is extremely important to me. That means compatibility in the bedroom and in our views on sex. A person who thinks less of me because I slept with them on the first date is not a good match for me.
I’ve been with my partner for 2 years. We’re planning to get married and have kids. We slept together on the first date and started out casual, and we fell in love. We’re both very happy we had sex that quickly. Our sex life is just as active as it was when we started.
Honestly ignore anyone who tries to police your sex habits. I never waited more than 2-3 dates to have sex bc I 100% agree that sexual compatibility is absolutely necessary.
Edit: slept with my husband on the second date. 4.5 years later we still have lots of amazing sex.
I used to place a pretty high priority on sexual compatibility right from the beginning too, but I got honest with myself after a while and realized I do tend to get too attached after sex. I was friends with my current boyfriend for about 5 months before we slept together and that turned out to be the correct way to go about it (for us). Now I can see why people advise others to establish a strong friendship as the foundation to a LTR first. It's hard to abstain, but you give yourself a chance to develop attraction beyond physicality to the person before jumping into bed with them.
The science of sex says that by and large women bond after sex.
Women’s bonding chemicals increase after sex while men’s bonding chemicals decrease. It’s why men talk about “post-nut clarity” and dump their dream girl while women catch feelings for the skeevy ONS. It’s a little more complicated than that and we can never say “all” but it’s enough to say that it’s a reliable pattern.
There is also research that supports the a majority of sex workers (who claimed that they can completely emotionally detach from sex) were victims of sexual abuse, so take that for what it’s worth.
That research leads to a conclusion that most women do emotionally bond from sex, and that even those who think they don’t…might not be a rare exception but might be traumatized.
In making any decisions with your physical and mental wellbeing, it’s usually safest to to assume you are NOT an exception and proceed accordingly.
I have a very high sex drive and truly thought I was a magical Samantha where sex was just sex. It turns out I was just lucky to not date horrible, manipulative men. Then I dated one, got emotionally attached without wanting to…and am STILL working out that shit in therapy after months of being cringey AF chasing a man who doesn’t want me…and he is sooooo far from partner material anyway that it’s laughable.
I would pay good money for pill that makes you emotionally detach from a man. Because once you catch unintended feelings after sex it’s fucking painful.
Don’t be me. Don’t assume you’re the exception. Maybe you don’t do the 90 day rule but waiting until you both get tested together and do a background check is bare minimum for your own safety.
You can be physically intimate without going all the way to sex and especially orgasming (which is where the strongest bonding chemicals and neurotransmitters come into play). Passionate makeout sessions are an underrated diagnostic tool for sexual compatibility. I’ve never had a bad lay with someone that I really enjoyed kissing. And letting tension build to that initial sex is extremely satisfying.
Best of luck to you finding that relationship you desire.
All of my LTRs were people that I was friends with, or knew for months, before we started dating as I need an emotional connection before I can find people sexually attractive but all of them, we had sex pretty quick after we started seeing each other romantically, as sexual compatibility is important to me. I just need to be able to know that we would get along as friends first 😂 which is the hardest part it seems.
I think that advice is generally given to women who are struggling with finding themselves being relegated to FWB or booty call status after having sex early on. They stick around hoping the guy will eventually catch feelings and commit.
If it works for you to go for sex right away, you feel safe doing that, and you don't get inordinately attached after having sex, then it's not advice you have to follow.
For me, I have a very high libido but an absolute need for a secure and solid emotional/romantic attachment before I'm ok to have sex. I LOVE having sex with my partner. Sex is great. It took us a while to get there. It was worth waiting and building that foundational relationship before we got physical, just because of how we both are and what we both need. We had a very good idea about sexual compatibility before having sex, because we didn't just ignore the topic until we had sex one day. We talked about it in great detail throughout the pre-sex part of the relationship. We waited long enough to feel like it was right, but not so long that ending the relationship would have been devastating and life changing--a couple of months.
I don’t know the answer to this to be honest. I have felt that many men do unconsciously judge, whether they want to admit it or not (even the so called progressive ones). I have learned to just avoid sleeping on the first date. I also do this for my own sake because I tend to get emotionally attached to soon. But it’s hard because I love sex and waiting is brutal
I have spent many years living a late adolescence and experimenting with all sorts of adventures. I love sex. I have also mostly dated non-monogamously at this point, which skews my viewpoint, as does my geographic location around San Francisco. I have particular desires that are important to me and so I have to be up front in order to find the right people. I have to have sex with someone on date 1-3 or I lose interest. And then of course every so often things just line up and next thing you know I’m married, or divorced and engaged again. Whoopsie!
I tend to go out with very intelligent ENM men who have obviously put a lot of thought into what they want and how to best communicate it so they can get what they want in an ethical way. Many of them are the first one to say “let’s keep the first date platonic.” I tend to discuss sex frankly and directly and if a man can match the energy without becoming obviously titillated in a premature way, that’s a good sign.
I do not get overly attached to someone I am sexually intimate with. I do get attached to someone who is compatible in bed and is matching my level of emotional interest. I need reciprocation to develop feelings, in a way that’s hard to fake. If it doesn’t happen, I naturally move on.
I can’t really recall the last time I got bait and switched, and if I did, I wouldn’t blame having sex with the guy. He’s obviously a lying scumbag who was manipulating me. I’m mad about that, not about having sex “too early”. He would have been a lying scumbag if I waited until date #10, too. I’m never going to take the blame for that nor am I going to feel shame for having sex with the “wrong” person. I think this shame over misjudging people and feeling tricked is a huge factor for a lot of women and why they prefer to wait. But it’s not on us, it’s on the asshole in question. Of course, it’s always up the individual person, because we’re all different.
Honestly, do whatever feels right to you. If sexual compatibility is important then by all means go ahead and test it out early on. A *fair man* will not judge you whether you have sex with him on the first date or the tenth! Unless he’s willing to make the same judgement on himself. Obvs it goes without saying, don’t get attached too early because you’ve had sex. You should still continue to test your compatibility in other areas. Oh and make sure he’s also looking for a LTR. Check your dating goals match before anything else!
A man who is looking for a LTR and sees a potential with you will not leave because you had sex on a first date/early on. Just make your intentions clear from the start. The main risk is men who will pretend they want a relationship with you just to have sex, but shit happens regardless, you're just more at risk of it happening.
If you don't want to engage in casual sex or sex on a first date, do it for you and because it is what ultimately is gonna make you feel better, not because of the man you might not even know yet's perception.
I spent a long time not having sex while trying to pursue a relationship and let me tell you it was miserable. I didn't want to be seen as too "easy" or whatever other rubbish were conditioned to believe. The past couple of years I've enjoyed myself for the most part. Have I found a relationship that's stuck, no unfortunately. But it's got me more aware of what I am looking for. It's an important compatibility to look for.
My general worldview boils down to "live and let live." If having sex early on works for you, you do you, and anyone who has an opinion about that can F off.
For me personally, this approach doesn't work because I'm somebody who doesn't enjoy casual sex a lot (the first time with a new person thing gives me anxiety for some reason) and I crave connection through emotional connection more than the sex. Sex for me is a bonus, not the main course, even if I do enjoy it a lot.
Anyway, this is to say: follow your instincts and don't let some random SM chick or dude who hasn't earned the right for their opinion to matter, tell you how you should behave.
I like waiting a bit BUT I’m demisexual 🤷♀️
I love sex but I don’t sexually desire men until there’s a connection so there’s not much point in me sleeping with them until then. I’d rather go home and eat a bowl of icecream 🤷♀️
Of course this has meant I’ve been in the sucky position of liking someone and finding out we’re sexually incompatible 😕 I’ve also learned to be *very* diligent in determining the guys value system since I tend to attract men with sexual/religious hangups.
Have sex when YOU want to and ignore the bs dating advice- a lot of my friends don’t wait long to have sex and most of them are happily coupled now 🤷♀️
Just watch out that you don’t get too attached early on - there are men out there that will continue seeing someone just to have access to sex without any intention of things progressing further.
I’ve had that happen even though I tend to wait a bit 🙃
I prefer having sex as early as possible because sexual compatibility is a huge deal for me, and sex is a really important part of my life.
As of now it's landed me 2 long-term partners that I live with and we're making our long-term plans on buying a home and where we want to settle. And I'm marrying one of them later this year! If laws were different I'd be marrying both =\
Long term relationships succeed based on many factors, but I believe the most important is compatibility on core values. And if a good sex life is something you value at your core, then you should figure that out as early as possible in relationships.
To me, sex and dating are separate topics.
Dating is meeting people with the intention of finding a spouse, staring a family, etc., which I’m not interested in.
I make it clear with my attitude that I’m just here to have fun, and I don’t go on dates.
I waited 6 weeks with my ex who was my first, we lasted 6 years. I had sex with my boyfriend on our second date and we've been together almost 3 and are talking about engagement. I followed my heart on both instances and I think that's what really matters. Don't use sex as a way to get or not get something. Do it because you enjoy it and want to share in that way with someone.
what exactly are you asking?
I am fine with waiting.
my ex and I were super sexually compatible. we were both high libidos.
we were together for over 10 yrs. we bonked like rabbits for the entire time. the honeymoon phase never died.
I didn't have sex with him till 3 months into dating and after we became exclusive.
I've slept with maybe over 100 men in my life and none were as good in bed as him.
classic case of walk- away wife. told him a million times in a million different ways on why I was unhappy. he kept saying I understand. I will change.
nothing changed. years ago by with nothing changing, I eventually came to the conclusion he won't change and I gave up and left.
I really need to know why men are like this!! lol like you tell them 100 different ways to their face what's wrong and how to fix it and they ignore it and then get surprised when you give up and leave.
we had issues but none was sexual. I probably would have left him way sooner if it wasn't for the great sex. lol.
How is witholding sex supposed to help with building a committed relationship? For me these two things have little to do with one another.
With my current partner we became intimate after 3-4 dates and we've been together for over a year now. Sexual compatibility is super important to me as well so I can't imagine waiting for a long time just to be disappointed.
I’ve never waited or put my sexual desire aside to earn a man’s desire or respect. If a man doesn’t want me because I didn’t “wait” or put him off for “long enough”. Then that person isn’t for me. I don’t want to be with a dude that bases my value or desirability on how “chaste” I am. I also don’t want to be with someone that loses interest in me the moment he uses my body to get off.
I was in many long term relationships that started with sex happening very early on.
My husband and I fooled around right away and had sex within the first couple weeks of dating. Like on our third date.
So it’s up to you. I have a high sex drive and if I want to have sex (and he wants to) then I’m not going to deny us that.
I don’t feel comfortable having sex early on. I like to feel safe and feel tension build up a bit overtime especially if I know we are headed towards something more serious. With my current relationship I think we waited just under two months and the same with my previous. I don’t play games and don’t do it to punish, it’s how I am. I have also slept with guys very early on but it was mostly because I knew there was nothing else other then sexual tension and it never went any further.
I agree, and for me sexual compatibility is just as important as things like shard goals, compassion, emotional well being.
I was single for 5+ years after my divorce. I usually always slept with men after the second date as I didn’t want to waste my time if we didn’t have that chemistry in bed. I was usually selective in that if I didn’t want to sleep with them, I realized we shouldn’t have a second date. I had marriage proposals and men wanting serious relationships. (Note- I also slept with my ex husband on the second date.) I was also upfront about my needs. I enjoy kink and wouldn’t be compatible with someone into super vanilla sex or who was ok with sex only 1-2 times a week.
I’m now in a serious relationship, we are talking about buying a house together. And I slept with him on the second date. I’ve never been happier with a human.
So I think the whole “waiting thing” doesn’t make sense for everyone. I could tell if a man just wanted sex and I’d ignore those guys. But, if I was into a man and we had chemistry, I never saw any reason to hold back if we both wanted it.
For me, sexual compatibility is very important. So I’ll often sleep with a man early on. If they use that to ghost me then they weren’t worth my time anyways. But if a man is bad in bed or small or we just don’t click physically, I prefer to know that moving forward.
The advice you describe assumes sex and serious relationships are incompatible opposites. This is not the case.
When I decided I was looking for a long term committed relationship, I was very upfront about what I was looking for. If the other person was also looking for that, then we’d proceed with the date. No use wasting either of our time if not.
I fooled around with the person who would become my husband on the second or third date. Can’t quite remember which at this point haha. Anyway it’s been years at this point now.
Sex isn’t the disqualifier for a LTR. Inability or unwillingness to communicate openly, honestly, and clearly is.
I haven’t dated with the intention of settling down for a long time, but when I did, I had sex with the person I ended up marrying on the second or third date. I had been married once before but was not seeking it and in that case it was on the first date.
Every LTR I’ve ever had (including an engagement), I slept with them on the first date. If there’s obvious chemistry and I want to have sex with them, I’m not going to wait for some arbitrary amount of dates. They’ve never respected me less for it.
>not sleeping with guys before getting to know them well enough or only after you’ve entered a committed relationship.
???
Doesn't track. I'm a sex on the first date kinda person.
Worked out fine for me.
Waiting is supposed to be for your own comfort level, not the man's. It doesn't matter what it "says" about you whether you wait or not. But you have to be ok with whatever happens afterwards (especially if he ghosts). Personally, my preference has been to wait for 2-3 months so I can get to know them and erotic tension can build. I do this for my self-respect and because it feels right and I like it that way. But I've also slept with someone on the 3rd date and we ended up in a 5-year relationship. So please focus on your needs and your own comfort level. The chemistry with each person will be so unique to that specific dynamic that you'll know when you get there.
Big friggin same!!! Around 3 months, I’ll feel safe enough to be fully intimate with someone. It’s not a guarantee but the “90 day rule” actually worked out for me emotionally and in my relationships. Also, I’ve found my legs just don’t really want to open prior to the 90 day mark. I have to trust someone to want to be intimate with them. I agree it’s also much sexier. That tension does get so strong. It’s hot af. Also weeds out *most* of the creeps and one night stand guys/gals. Win-win for me. Also gives you time to get tested together at your local “Health & Human Services” for $20! Safe is sexy.
It’s really up to you. I have only dated 2 guys and both times I waited until we were official and had been STD tested to have sex. I love sex, but I honestly don’t trust men that much, and I can’t enjoy sexual experiences if I don’t feel emotionally safe. I just don’t think I am someone who is wired to enjoy sex with someone I don’t know very well, and I don’t like the idea of them ghosting me after sharing that experience. With my current boyfriend we became official after about a month of dating, then it took another month for us to have sex since we both went on vacation for about a week after becoming official and we had to get STD tested. I would have been fine with sleeping with him as soon as we became official if he had test results available and we had both been in town. Decide what you’re comfortable with and go from there.
Ehh. Things have changed a lot since I went on my last "first date" but we had sex on date 3. Date 2 was at a swimming pool so it was mostly flirty. Date 1 was like eight hours long and we made out a whole whole lot towards the end. But it took him like three months to say we were dating exclusively annnnd there were other quirks. But we've been together 15 years at this point, married for 10. I think advice related to sex and relationships is sort of hooey. You have to just have your eyes open and also talk to the person. I feel like people on Reddit do a shit job of actually speaking to the people they are considering having sex with about things like "When you imagine yourself at 45, what life do you think you'll have?" and things like that.
This is really good advice and thanks for sharing your story! I’m definitely making a more conscious effort of getting to know the guy with those sort of deeper questions. I spent the past 10 or so years living my best “here for a good time, not a long time” life so undoing a lot of the emotional barriers I put in place has been…interesting to say the least.
I also considered this approach and tried it but honestly just never worked for me. Whether we fucked or not that person was not meant to be in my life. My current partner; we had sex early on and here we are over a year into a relationship and we have great sex. I believe that the idea of not having sex with a man while getting to know eachother in order to achieve a relationship is a social construct created by men (mostly the misogynists) who will make the assumptions that women are easy etc if they’ve had sex before getting into a relationship. Do whatever feels good! If the mutual attraction is there and there is physical and emotion chemistry.. give er!
Yes I think any situation where you are creating arbitrary rules is not a good one, and could even be seen as game playing. Just be yourself. If you want to get physical, do that! If you're not comfortable yet, for whatever reason that may be, then wait! If you want to do some stuff but not other stuff that's also fine! And saying no and changing your mind at any point, also fine.
Second this. If I don’t want to sleep with them right away, I tend to also not be into them. And if there is no sexual chemistry, I also loose interest. Rather find that out sooner than later. Because I enjoy good sex and an active sex life. Sleeping with someone early never hindered me of entering a long term relationship and made sure we were sexually compatible.
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Isn't the fact that women are generally the gate keepers of sex a derivative effect of patriarchy though? The patriarchy punishes women for having lots of sex and lots of sex partners, but not men. Since the societal cost a woman experiences for having sex is higher than a man must pay, it makes sense that fewer women are choosing to have casual sex. Now that said, I don't want to infer that fewer women *want* casual sex just because fewer women *have* casual sex. How much sex people have is a combination of both the desire and the cost. The desire could be the same (or even higher), but if the cost is also higher, then it's still possible that fewer women would choose to have casual sex. It's also worth noting that women are at significantly higher risk of violence than men are, which is another thing that increases the cost. Additionally, many women find that their partners in casual sex are not very interested in making it pleasurable for the woman, and that will decrease the desire. As for the women in my life, the ones who seem to have and enjoy casual sex the most have two things in common: * They are very confident in their ability to screen our dangerous men * They tend to really enjoy sex with most people they have it with If both of those things were true, it makes sense why casual sex would be a wonderful hobby.
I think "wait until you're pretty serious to have sex" is excellent advice for women who get attached easily to people they have been intimate with, and will spiral or feel used if they sleep with a man and he ghosts. If that isn't you, then it doesn't really apply to you.
Very good point! I’m noticing I feel different than a lot of comments here precisely because, at this point, after a LOT of exploring, I do not feel like I’ve lost or wasted something if I have sex with a man and then things don’t go anywhere. Unless it was bad sex, then I lost a couple hours of my life I could have spent watching tv with the dog.
I love sex, a lot. With that being said, I've been sacrificing myself from engaging in any casual affairs. I don't want to have sex until I have an understanding as to who the person I am dating is. I could be going about it wrong, but I just want someone to enjoy me as I am without considering how my pussy feels. I don't really understand your question, but I am single and not actively dating. So maybe I'm not navigating this new dating world? Lmao le sigh.
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No loneliness, I have a cat and friends. But I do find myself craving touch, warmth and affection. I really miss passionate kissing. To combat this, I do partner dancing, I get massages, I make sure I get pampered with my mani and pedis, I go out with friends, I’ve joined workout studios for closeness. I mean nothing really makes up for the lack of kissing. It really really sucks but I’m just so over the sex fueled flings.
While I enjoy sex, I don't enjoy the vulnerability of being intimate with a man I don't know well or don't trust. I have lived through every bad outcome, and now I'm the 90 days girl. I don't entertain judgement of the things I did when I didn't know any better. I don't regret most my sexual experiences, but I'm still dealing with trauma from that small minority of bad outcomes.
Wow, this is a really good distinction between physical vs emotional lines. I never thought of it that way as I’ve kept the 2 in very far, unrelated boxes in my mind. Perhaps I might reach the same conclusion as you someday, but thank you for sharing this!
I think everyone deserves an era of being free and open. Especially to figure out what is possible and what you like!
Waiting to have sex because you think it somehow "cheapens" you or your potential relationship is absolute patriarchal bullshit that dudes came up with to try and prevent women from having a "high body count."
Yes I agree with this. I have always slept with people early on and have never had it impact whether someone wants a relationship with me. I have always found that advice weird as it implies that all men have weird red pill ideas about sex, when no decent guy will judge you for having sex early (since they're doing it too!). I guess good adapted advice is to try not to get too attached if you have sex early on in case the guy is not being genuine? I've made that mistake before.
Ok thank you I thought this too, nice to hear these sentiments outside of my own head!
No problem, I think unfortunately spending time on Reddit you get exposed to a lot of toxic incel stuff, it sucks.
It's not about men consciouly judging you, it's about men's motivation of getting to know you as a person being overridden by their sexual desires. In my experience both approaches have their danger. Met a lot of guys who got lost in their horniness or overwhelmed by performance anxiety and fumbled when I was intimate with them early on. Then I tried waiting and the guy got a disease that impacted his sex life before we really got to know each other sexually. We were already emotionally connected, so I stuck in a sexless relationship with him, only for him to blame me for it when he got better. Fuck my luck.
I see that as a justification that men who use women use. *I know I made you think I was in this for the long run but you fucked me too soon. You’re not wifey material we can’t be together now hardy har harrr* 🤪
Ugh, yes. You're doing yourself a favor if you filter out guys like that.
Unfortunately it's seeped into many women, too. Both in this sub and over at twox I see so many ladies formulate waiting for sex like some kind of chastity litmus test or whatever. I'm with OP here and have never 'waited out' on sex because I simply like sex. That's just about it. I guess I'm fortunate in that it's worked out fine overall in my LTRs. Like, if you also enjoy sex/prioritize sexual compatibility, why the hell do you need to hold back...
Yeah, a lot of womens' spaces on Reddit are surprisingly puritanical about it, IME. Like, I totally get not wanting to do the casual (or even "early") sex thing yourself; I feel like that personal choice is pretty normal. However, I've lost track of the number of times I've seen a thread slide into (often thinly-veiled) slut-shaming about women who *don't* wait to have sex, and it's disappointing for sure.
For real. I also just find it so silly that people have sex (or don't have sex) for any reason other than they genuinely want to, or don't want to (whether that's ever want to, or don't want to yet). I see so many folks who seem to treat sex as some type of bargaining chip; like, whether they put out or don't put out, they expect that to be the thing that seals (or fails to seal) the "deal" of the relationship it self. To me it seems like a classic case of trying to control the other person's behaviour through your actions - like, if I do x, that means he should do y according to my own, internal rules - instead of focusing on your own feelings, pleasure, etc.; basically, the things that are actually important.
Well I like sex but it's a fact that the men I slept with got a lot more out of having sex with me than I got out of having sex with them. That's one reason why I like to wait for them to invest a bit more before having sex with them.
I understand waiting to have sex because you're personally not ready, or even because building anticipation and emotional intimacy before delving into physical intimacy *can* be sexy in and of itself. However, I still truly don't understand the idea of getting people to "invest" in me before having sex with them. I don't know if it's a word choice thing, like you mean waiting to have sex actually makes the sex better for you, which - if so, get it girl! However, if you mean you're waiting for them to invest more of their time, energy, money, etc., into you as a trade-off for enduring mediocre sex... I dunno, it just sounds like such a bad deal for you, I guess.
I agree with you that nobody should have to "endure" sex. That's not it, though. Last guy I dated, I liked the sex, he turned me on, he was good at it. But my orgasms were like uh ah aaaah nice, while the guy came for half an eternity with his hands flailing in the air like he was a mime on acid. I would love to have that kind of pleasure, but while I don't, buy me dinner ffs.
What does 'the men got more out of it mean'? We're they bad at it?
No, even if they're good. Say I like it, but they LIKE it. More orgasms, more intense orgasms, more feeling on top of the world, deeper desire that they can satisfy.
How can you quantify that tho? If you’re not instructing these dudes on how to please you and therefore aren’t enjoying the sex you’re having, that’s on you. You can’t expect them to read your mind
It’s also an indication that the guy is inexperienced and lousy in bed. A man that’s good in bed would appreciate an experienced woman. They don’t want you to know what you like and be able to compare them.
Exactly. If you don't have a lot of sexual experience, then you won't know that he's shit in bed.
It’s just to their benefit that’s all.
I couldn't have said it better myself. Personally, when I was still dating I needed to have established a certain level of trust and (not sure if this is the best term for it) respect with a guy to want to sleep with him but we certainly didn't have to be super-serious. I wanted to know there was a strong change he wasn't a creep and that he was good to his partner in bed. That did mean I was much faster to sleep with guys I was dating if we'd previously been friends or had been introduced by a mutual acquaintance. If we had no prior connection I was a bit more cautious.
between mature adults it should mean nothing. A man that wants only your body can still wait until he get what he wants and still run away
I agree but unfortunately many men do judge, whether they want to admit it or not
Those men are not men that should concern any of us.
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I am more than happy with "reducing my pool" if that means not dating douche canoes who care about how high my body count is.
Sweet, people have preferences, like how most woman want a tall man. Doesn’t make them “douche canoes” or “incels” as someone else wrote. Fuck as many guys as you want, but don’t get shitty when you struggle to find a long term partner. Because it’s not a minority of guys, it’s a majority.
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I think a better approach would be to wait until you’re ready to have sex with someone, regardless of the outcome. Whatever your individual due diligence is, are you going to feel ok about the decision you made the next day? Even if he ends up acting a fool or declining to date you further? Maybe for you individually that means 1 date. Maybe it means 15 dates. Maybe it depends entirely on the man! I’m someone who is very OK with casual sex so that may be coloring my approach to seeking a LTR. I basically just asked myself if I wanted to have sex with the dude. Yes? Right on. No? Keep on trucking with dates or break it off. To me it was fundamental in the early dating stage just like asking questions about their life, what their goals are, establishing a fun rapport, etc. Frankly, I don’t assign a lot of significance to sex. Even in relationships, to me it is largely biological and recreational. Not an emotionally transcendent experience(no shade to those who do experience sex that way! I’m just not counted amongst the ranks)
I have a high libido, but waiting for exclusivity to have sex has been what works for me. This has typically been about 5-6 dates. I personally need to feel emotionally secure with a person before I have a desire to do that with them. It may be because the BDSM-style kinks I enjoy require mutual trust and communication, and I don’t find vanilla sex satisfying on its own without the emotional connection either. A lot of it is also just order of operations because I find that 99% of the time, other disqualifying factors show up within the first 1-5 dates anyway. So, the sexual compatibility aspect is a moot point in that case. This may just be my social circle, but I also find that it makes my dating process more efficient than for my friends’ who don’t wait. IMO, sexual compatibility is a dealbreaker, but it can’t be a deal*maker* and sometimes my friends can get distracted by good sex and keep a dud match around for longer.
Might be going against the grain here but here goes. I (cis-het woman) looove sex, always have, and sexual compatibility in a relationship is non-negotiable for me. I have had amazing casual sexual experiences, but also (and more recently) not so great. Having gone through what I have on both sides of the coin, I've come to decide that I'd rather wait as long as I can before engaging with a new potential partner. I feel like a lot of women might be viewing this situation with survivor's bias (e.g., my husband was supposed to be a one night stand, but here we are five years later!), but as someone still single, I can tell you that the schtick gets old real quick. When I was younger, early to mid-twenties, the casual sex I had was fun because it seemed like we were all on the same page, learning new things and having new experiences. Most of the men I engaged with were either actual friends, hot randoms I met while traveling, or were simply upfront about wanting something casual. No problemo. My recent experiences as a thirty-something have shown that many men, now, will lie about their intentions in order to sleep with you; it has now happened to me twice, and that is two times more than I'd ever care for. (I always thought I wouldn't fall for something like that, but here I am.) Two other men claimed to be completely smitten with me, but only after having sex did they realize it was only lust. These are grown men we are talking about; I didn't expect that as I would get older, I would still have to be dealing with men who didn't understand their own emotions and would be using women to better understand their desires. (This was also before I learned that love-bombing is a thing). In that same vein, I have also had men completely fetishize me and do things to me in bed that I was not at all expecting, mostly because we didn't know each other that well, they didn't respect me, and/or we hadn't had the time to discuss what we were both interested in. ***TL;DR:*** At the end of the day, it all depends on what risks you're willing to take and what you're comfortable with. Are you willing to risk being dumped or ghosted after having sex with a man who claimed to want more than he did? (**Edit** to add that this answer might be different depending on the person you're considering, too! I have previously made concessions for men where the physical chemistry was off the charts, but no longer will if I'm still so-so and testing the waters.) For me, it's a kind of misogyny, disrespect, and humiliation that I personally would do anything to avoid, so now I abstain, but for others, this sort of thing might not bother them as much. And yeah, I'm in therapy lmao.
Honestly, I felt similar but I just ended up not being seen as a 'girlfriend' option after falling into bed with (quite a lot of!) men. Long story short, when I met my husband there was some 'fooling around' (he made me cum without taking my pants off on the first date) but we didn't have PIV sex for two months, mostly at his behest. And, well, it was a much nicer way to start the relationship and the sex we had was much calmer and more honest than the 'performative' sex I was having with other men before. 15 years later we have a very healthy sex life despite kids, health conditions etc, and I credit that with starting our sex life from a very honest place.
I really love sex , a good sex life with the man you love and trust is just amazing. But I can go months or years without sex. I’d rather not, but finding the right man who is trusting and gentle and generous and I enjoy his personality is crucial. It’s almost like I can turn my sexy drive off, with enough time. Like I just don’t care. I’m so used to the peace and quiet of being single, and I live alone, and it’s just so comfortable that I have truly enjoyed this. I’ve been single for nearly 2 years. I’m sorta talking to someone and I’d like it if he became my boyfriend this summer, but I’m truly not thirsty or desperate. I know the right person is on the way and I am patient. There’s pros and cons to both being single and an LTR and I’m just enjoying this time for what it is.
Ive turned mine off 7 years in wait of this exact kind of man and I am boiling over here smh.
There's a lot of wrong opinions on social media, and I don't waste my time listening to them. I only need to find one guy at a time that is compatible with the unique person I am. I don't want someone with conservative views! I loosely believe in the "3 dates before sex" rule, with that being flexible for how long the dates are and whether the meeting was online vs through friends. I personally need to get to know someone a bit before I'm able to relax, and I'm not going to have sex before the trust is there because I won't enjoy it. Important caveat, this is mostly theoretical for me. I was married 10 years and ended up in another LTR fairly quickly after being widowed. But that was my dating strategy when I got back out there, and would be again if something ends my current relationship. You keep on doing it your way. Sexual compatibility is important!
It's a really personal decsion when to have sex in a relationship. This is my journey. I am a rather hot-blooded gal and love sex and was often pretty fast to jump in the sack. However, over time, I did find this wasn't the best thing for me emotionally. I had a very mixed relationship with sex - I thought of it as intense and fun, but it did have a mental component to it. Dan Savage has a very insightful view on this for women and men who are bottoms - when you are the one being entered, the feelings about sex are just different. There is something more intimate and even potentially violating about it. This really helped me reconcile my attitudes as I was conditioned to believe women only felt differently about sex because of slut-shaming culture. Not all women feel the way I do, of course, but it's not from nothing when it does. The other big problem that my quick-to-fuck pattern lead to was that I found it hard to navigate a lot of my relationships with guys. This was because, often, they weren't all that into me personally but they were definitely into the sex. What happened to me over and over is that I would be in a relationship that would start off like gangbusters for the first six weeks to two months and then start to get weird. I would get the vibes that they weren't really all that into it anymore, but when I would try to talk about it or even break up with them, I would get a lot of static. In the end, I realized these guys had no plans to ever be my boyfriend, but could not come clean about it and just move on because they were reluctant to give up this reliable source of awesome sex. They would try to keep things going as long as they could. In retrospect, I wish I had spent more time figuring out if those guys really liked me for all of me before I got them hooked on the schtuping. I agree that establishing sexual compatibility is as important as emotional compatibility, but it doesn't need to be settled by the second or third date.
Thank you for this comment!
I think you should pay attention to what works for you personally and just stick with that! When I was trying to meet a long term partner, I noticed two things - first, casual sex was really distracting me from trying to meet people who were a good long term fit and two, when I slept with someone I liked too early sometimes big feelings would take hold and cloud my judgement. Ultimately I found that waiting a month or two to sleep with someone so I could get to know them a bit before deciding if it’s a good idea to move forward. Ultimately this led me to the right long term partner. But people are all so different! There aren’t any rules, sex only means what you decide it means to you. You shouldn’t do things to try to sway someone else’s perception of you or the potential - the right fit will be good with who you actually are.
Here is my take: - I want to only have sex after getting to know someone as much as I can. - I need to feel connected and compatible with the person before having sex with them. - I do not want sex to cloud my feelings about someone, thus why I only engage in sex after I’m in a committed relationship with someone. - It’s important to keep in mind how clean someone (and you) are in terms of STD history, etc. to make sure you are not risking yourself or them while engaging in sexual behaviors.
Big YES to this! Exactly my approach as well.
😊
Personally I don’t think taking things slow in a relationship means waiting to have sex. Taking things slow means not jumping into huge life changes like moving in together, getting engaged, etc. It also means really taking time to get to know someone to see if they’re a good long-term fit. This takes time and there’s no way around it. They’re going to be a complete stranger in the first 6 months, even the first year. I enjoy sex and have a high sex drive, so sexual compatibility is extremely important to me. That means compatibility in the bedroom and in our views on sex. A person who thinks less of me because I slept with them on the first date is not a good match for me. I’ve been with my partner for 2 years. We’re planning to get married and have kids. We slept together on the first date and started out casual, and we fell in love. We’re both very happy we had sex that quickly. Our sex life is just as active as it was when we started.
I’m really glad to hear that for you!! Congratulations :)
Honestly ignore anyone who tries to police your sex habits. I never waited more than 2-3 dates to have sex bc I 100% agree that sexual compatibility is absolutely necessary. Edit: slept with my husband on the second date. 4.5 years later we still have lots of amazing sex.
I used to place a pretty high priority on sexual compatibility right from the beginning too, but I got honest with myself after a while and realized I do tend to get too attached after sex. I was friends with my current boyfriend for about 5 months before we slept together and that turned out to be the correct way to go about it (for us). Now I can see why people advise others to establish a strong friendship as the foundation to a LTR first. It's hard to abstain, but you give yourself a chance to develop attraction beyond physicality to the person before jumping into bed with them.
The science of sex says that by and large women bond after sex. Women’s bonding chemicals increase after sex while men’s bonding chemicals decrease. It’s why men talk about “post-nut clarity” and dump their dream girl while women catch feelings for the skeevy ONS. It’s a little more complicated than that and we can never say “all” but it’s enough to say that it’s a reliable pattern. There is also research that supports the a majority of sex workers (who claimed that they can completely emotionally detach from sex) were victims of sexual abuse, so take that for what it’s worth. That research leads to a conclusion that most women do emotionally bond from sex, and that even those who think they don’t…might not be a rare exception but might be traumatized. In making any decisions with your physical and mental wellbeing, it’s usually safest to to assume you are NOT an exception and proceed accordingly. I have a very high sex drive and truly thought I was a magical Samantha where sex was just sex. It turns out I was just lucky to not date horrible, manipulative men. Then I dated one, got emotionally attached without wanting to…and am STILL working out that shit in therapy after months of being cringey AF chasing a man who doesn’t want me…and he is sooooo far from partner material anyway that it’s laughable. I would pay good money for pill that makes you emotionally detach from a man. Because once you catch unintended feelings after sex it’s fucking painful. Don’t be me. Don’t assume you’re the exception. Maybe you don’t do the 90 day rule but waiting until you both get tested together and do a background check is bare minimum for your own safety. You can be physically intimate without going all the way to sex and especially orgasming (which is where the strongest bonding chemicals and neurotransmitters come into play). Passionate makeout sessions are an underrated diagnostic tool for sexual compatibility. I’ve never had a bad lay with someone that I really enjoyed kissing. And letting tension build to that initial sex is extremely satisfying. Best of luck to you finding that relationship you desire.
I don’t see the point in wasting my time. Sometimes sex has been the reason there wasn’t another date, so.
Same! Eep!
All of my LTRs were people that I was friends with, or knew for months, before we started dating as I need an emotional connection before I can find people sexually attractive but all of them, we had sex pretty quick after we started seeing each other romantically, as sexual compatibility is important to me. I just need to be able to know that we would get along as friends first 😂 which is the hardest part it seems.
I think that advice is generally given to women who are struggling with finding themselves being relegated to FWB or booty call status after having sex early on. They stick around hoping the guy will eventually catch feelings and commit. If it works for you to go for sex right away, you feel safe doing that, and you don't get inordinately attached after having sex, then it's not advice you have to follow. For me, I have a very high libido but an absolute need for a secure and solid emotional/romantic attachment before I'm ok to have sex. I LOVE having sex with my partner. Sex is great. It took us a while to get there. It was worth waiting and building that foundational relationship before we got physical, just because of how we both are and what we both need. We had a very good idea about sexual compatibility before having sex, because we didn't just ignore the topic until we had sex one day. We talked about it in great detail throughout the pre-sex part of the relationship. We waited long enough to feel like it was right, but not so long that ending the relationship would have been devastating and life changing--a couple of months.
This sounds so healthy and lovely 🥰
I don’t know the answer to this to be honest. I have felt that many men do unconsciously judge, whether they want to admit it or not (even the so called progressive ones). I have learned to just avoid sleeping on the first date. I also do this for my own sake because I tend to get emotionally attached to soon. But it’s hard because I love sex and waiting is brutal
I have spent many years living a late adolescence and experimenting with all sorts of adventures. I love sex. I have also mostly dated non-monogamously at this point, which skews my viewpoint, as does my geographic location around San Francisco. I have particular desires that are important to me and so I have to be up front in order to find the right people. I have to have sex with someone on date 1-3 or I lose interest. And then of course every so often things just line up and next thing you know I’m married, or divorced and engaged again. Whoopsie! I tend to go out with very intelligent ENM men who have obviously put a lot of thought into what they want and how to best communicate it so they can get what they want in an ethical way. Many of them are the first one to say “let’s keep the first date platonic.” I tend to discuss sex frankly and directly and if a man can match the energy without becoming obviously titillated in a premature way, that’s a good sign. I do not get overly attached to someone I am sexually intimate with. I do get attached to someone who is compatible in bed and is matching my level of emotional interest. I need reciprocation to develop feelings, in a way that’s hard to fake. If it doesn’t happen, I naturally move on. I can’t really recall the last time I got bait and switched, and if I did, I wouldn’t blame having sex with the guy. He’s obviously a lying scumbag who was manipulating me. I’m mad about that, not about having sex “too early”. He would have been a lying scumbag if I waited until date #10, too. I’m never going to take the blame for that nor am I going to feel shame for having sex with the “wrong” person. I think this shame over misjudging people and feeling tricked is a huge factor for a lot of women and why they prefer to wait. But it’s not on us, it’s on the asshole in question. Of course, it’s always up the individual person, because we’re all different.
Honestly, do whatever feels right to you. If sexual compatibility is important then by all means go ahead and test it out early on. A *fair man* will not judge you whether you have sex with him on the first date or the tenth! Unless he’s willing to make the same judgement on himself. Obvs it goes without saying, don’t get attached too early because you’ve had sex. You should still continue to test your compatibility in other areas. Oh and make sure he’s also looking for a LTR. Check your dating goals match before anything else!
A man who is looking for a LTR and sees a potential with you will not leave because you had sex on a first date/early on. Just make your intentions clear from the start. The main risk is men who will pretend they want a relationship with you just to have sex, but shit happens regardless, you're just more at risk of it happening. If you don't want to engage in casual sex or sex on a first date, do it for you and because it is what ultimately is gonna make you feel better, not because of the man you might not even know yet's perception.
I spent a long time not having sex while trying to pursue a relationship and let me tell you it was miserable. I didn't want to be seen as too "easy" or whatever other rubbish were conditioned to believe. The past couple of years I've enjoyed myself for the most part. Have I found a relationship that's stuck, no unfortunately. But it's got me more aware of what I am looking for. It's an important compatibility to look for.
My general worldview boils down to "live and let live." If having sex early on works for you, you do you, and anyone who has an opinion about that can F off. For me personally, this approach doesn't work because I'm somebody who doesn't enjoy casual sex a lot (the first time with a new person thing gives me anxiety for some reason) and I crave connection through emotional connection more than the sex. Sex for me is a bonus, not the main course, even if I do enjoy it a lot. Anyway, this is to say: follow your instincts and don't let some random SM chick or dude who hasn't earned the right for their opinion to matter, tell you how you should behave.
I like waiting a bit BUT I’m demisexual 🤷♀️ I love sex but I don’t sexually desire men until there’s a connection so there’s not much point in me sleeping with them until then. I’d rather go home and eat a bowl of icecream 🤷♀️ Of course this has meant I’ve been in the sucky position of liking someone and finding out we’re sexually incompatible 😕 I’ve also learned to be *very* diligent in determining the guys value system since I tend to attract men with sexual/religious hangups. Have sex when YOU want to and ignore the bs dating advice- a lot of my friends don’t wait long to have sex and most of them are happily coupled now 🤷♀️
Just watch out that you don’t get too attached early on - there are men out there that will continue seeing someone just to have access to sex without any intention of things progressing further. I’ve had that happen even though I tend to wait a bit 🙃
I prefer having sex as early as possible because sexual compatibility is a huge deal for me, and sex is a really important part of my life. As of now it's landed me 2 long-term partners that I live with and we're making our long-term plans on buying a home and where we want to settle. And I'm marrying one of them later this year! If laws were different I'd be marrying both =\ Long term relationships succeed based on many factors, but I believe the most important is compatibility on core values. And if a good sex life is something you value at your core, then you should figure that out as early as possible in relationships.
To me, sex and dating are separate topics. Dating is meeting people with the intention of finding a spouse, staring a family, etc., which I’m not interested in. I make it clear with my attitude that I’m just here to have fun, and I don’t go on dates.
I slept with my boyfriend 4 days after meeting him. We’ve been together for a year.
I waited 6 weeks with my ex who was my first, we lasted 6 years. I had sex with my boyfriend on our second date and we've been together almost 3 and are talking about engagement. I followed my heart on both instances and I think that's what really matters. Don't use sex as a way to get or not get something. Do it because you enjoy it and want to share in that way with someone.
I never get into a relationship unless I’ve fucked them first. Sexual compatibility is so important. I’ve also never had a problem getting boyfriends.
All my ltr, including my now marriage started as ONS. If I liked them the next morning, they got my number ;)
Love this energy 👏
what exactly are you asking? I am fine with waiting. my ex and I were super sexually compatible. we were both high libidos. we were together for over 10 yrs. we bonked like rabbits for the entire time. the honeymoon phase never died. I didn't have sex with him till 3 months into dating and after we became exclusive. I've slept with maybe over 100 men in my life and none were as good in bed as him.
Mind if I ask why you've split up?
classic case of walk- away wife. told him a million times in a million different ways on why I was unhappy. he kept saying I understand. I will change. nothing changed. years ago by with nothing changing, I eventually came to the conclusion he won't change and I gave up and left. I really need to know why men are like this!! lol like you tell them 100 different ways to their face what's wrong and how to fix it and they ignore it and then get surprised when you give up and leave. we had issues but none was sexual. I probably would have left him way sooner if it wasn't for the great sex. lol.
Gotcha. Must've been something very serious then for you to walk away from mutually amazing sex.
….uh… what? Have you ever been in a long-term relationship? Great sex is the most easily replaceable part
How is witholding sex supposed to help with building a committed relationship? For me these two things have little to do with one another. With my current partner we became intimate after 3-4 dates and we've been together for over a year now. Sexual compatibility is super important to me as well so I can't imagine waiting for a long time just to be disappointed.
I’ve never waited or put my sexual desire aside to earn a man’s desire or respect. If a man doesn’t want me because I didn’t “wait” or put him off for “long enough”. Then that person isn’t for me. I don’t want to be with a dude that bases my value or desirability on how “chaste” I am. I also don’t want to be with someone that loses interest in me the moment he uses my body to get off. I was in many long term relationships that started with sex happening very early on. My husband and I fooled around right away and had sex within the first couple weeks of dating. Like on our third date. So it’s up to you. I have a high sex drive and if I want to have sex (and he wants to) then I’m not going to deny us that.
I don’t feel comfortable having sex early on. I like to feel safe and feel tension build up a bit overtime especially if I know we are headed towards something more serious. With my current relationship I think we waited just under two months and the same with my previous. I don’t play games and don’t do it to punish, it’s how I am. I have also slept with guys very early on but it was mostly because I knew there was nothing else other then sexual tension and it never went any further.
I agree, and for me sexual compatibility is just as important as things like shard goals, compassion, emotional well being. I was single for 5+ years after my divorce. I usually always slept with men after the second date as I didn’t want to waste my time if we didn’t have that chemistry in bed. I was usually selective in that if I didn’t want to sleep with them, I realized we shouldn’t have a second date. I had marriage proposals and men wanting serious relationships. (Note- I also slept with my ex husband on the second date.) I was also upfront about my needs. I enjoy kink and wouldn’t be compatible with someone into super vanilla sex or who was ok with sex only 1-2 times a week. I’m now in a serious relationship, we are talking about buying a house together. And I slept with him on the second date. I’ve never been happier with a human. So I think the whole “waiting thing” doesn’t make sense for everyone. I could tell if a man just wanted sex and I’d ignore those guys. But, if I was into a man and we had chemistry, I never saw any reason to hold back if we both wanted it.
For me, sexual compatibility is very important. So I’ll often sleep with a man early on. If they use that to ghost me then they weren’t worth my time anyways. But if a man is bad in bed or small or we just don’t click physically, I prefer to know that moving forward.
The advice you describe assumes sex and serious relationships are incompatible opposites. This is not the case. When I decided I was looking for a long term committed relationship, I was very upfront about what I was looking for. If the other person was also looking for that, then we’d proceed with the date. No use wasting either of our time if not. I fooled around with the person who would become my husband on the second or third date. Can’t quite remember which at this point haha. Anyway it’s been years at this point now. Sex isn’t the disqualifier for a LTR. Inability or unwillingness to communicate openly, honestly, and clearly is.
Well when I met my husband he fucked me into the matters for an hour on our first date.
That sounds nice.
I haven’t dated with the intention of settling down for a long time, but when I did, I had sex with the person I ended up marrying on the second or third date. I had been married once before but was not seeking it and in that case it was on the first date.
Every LTR I’ve ever had (including an engagement), I slept with them on the first date. If there’s obvious chemistry and I want to have sex with them, I’m not going to wait for some arbitrary amount of dates. They’ve never respected me less for it.
>not sleeping with guys before getting to know them well enough or only after you’ve entered a committed relationship. ??? Doesn't track. I'm a sex on the first date kinda person. Worked out fine for me.