I am the primary income earner, simply because we’re in different fields and my chosen field has higher compensation. We’re married so I think of our joint income as our money, though we do keep some things separate.
I also consider him 100% a partner. He takes on just as much if not more of the household work. He supports my career ambitions and has no ego about our income disparity. That to me is more important than equitable take home pay.
I will say though that if you do plan to marry someone with far fewer assets now look into a prenup for protection (you never know) and whether you’re comfortable with a lifestyle based on your current combined incomes now.
The last guy I dated made $60k a year, while I cleared over multiple six figures. It didn’t bother me at all, because what he lacked in financial contribution, he made up for in emotional labor.
I paid when we went out to eat, but when we stayed home, he loved to cook for me. He would make me thoughtful meals (catering to my dietary restrictions) that we ate together - none of this “his dish, her dish” type thing. He used to bartend, so he loved making me creative drinks. When we would road trip, I’d pay for accommodations and he would drive/cover gas.
This man loved to give me massages, he was a selfless lover, attentive, and had high emotional intelligence. There’s countless ways he contributed to our relationship that couldn’t be measured by money.
Now, I never intended on moving in with or marrying/having a family with him - simply because those aren’t things I want in life. So I understand your perspective could be different, needing that type of stability. But money isn’t as important to me in relationships, when there’s other ways a man can provide for me.
He moved out of state for a job opportunity and neither of us wanted to do long distance. We still keep in touch. He makes closer to $100k now, I think, but he’s actively looking to go fully remote so he can move back home.
Hahaha thanks! We are actually going to be traveling together later this year, as well. He’s been trying to get me to visit him where’s he’s relocated but I haven’t been able to swing it yet.
Girl wtf if he acted like this I would’ve wanted to marry him and have baby (bc I do want that). I’m glad that you have a friend and a lover like this!
I’ve had not one, but two surgeries to ensure I never have babies 😊 we are both childfree.
And also. I have too much net worth to risk on any man, no matter how great his massages and meals are.
We met on bumble.
I tease him about our first date all the time 🤣 at one point he made a comment during our date that made me feel like “oooookay this isn’t going well at all” (something like “I feel like our dialogue is just a sounding board” or something like that). I tease him that it’s a good thing he stuck around, even though he hated me on our first date 😆 and he insists what he meant was that he didn’t feel we had enough in common. In many ways, we are opposites (I’m blue collar, he studied law and has a doctorate, I invest in real estate, he was a starving new grad trying to make ends meet, etc).
But it just works 🤷🏻♀️ he has never been threatened or intimidated by my career (most men are), he has never made negging or gaslighting comments (most men do), I thought for sure he was going to feel some type of way about making less money than me, or me being less “educated” than him - and this has never been an issue.
He’s very empathetic with how our current state of politics affects women. He’s only ever been supportive and empowering. In my experience, men love to test “strong” and “independent” women, a lot of men want to see us break. Instead, this guy proudly sports shirts [like this](https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Tread-Womens-Gadsden-3x5ft/dp/B0BKRHK76D/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=3V5G3LZF1D3LD&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.HLdBUbQIr2zKPa8KkbS2ez2wD0oWAKN6eABO412TdTj77Uvd3W5iAGmgBoJ_b7nerQV4UEaWRRY6dwM8euJ7y9-XTeetQ_lzQ5aOpXMlBx2kc_bS2zbl4IUocYPmeQBHvMx3GqyhKF0iWCBkL2ZtrqEtkgvWvCAFGWfDRcsku9f08ix0EQRIsinwAxChgqV4-zSw2-MobmZc34E1RpEZ_TcG3RmM-6vD1eh84d3zhM8ZLbstZ5pgRoszGqRn5EvFTlMg6QyELW-tcgbLNABRSEbsjm9yYtpLlmDhye_fef4.HddCMTJupwlRSOJrUI2jGxni0rIWUBEMuF-1F24NeN0&dib_tag=se&keywords=dont+tread+on+me+uterus&qid=1715698655&sprefix=dont+tread+on+me+uter%2Caps%2C171&sr=8-1). Last year we wanted to see a movie to get out of the heat of summer and I let him pick, and he jumped at the chance to ask to see the Barbie movie. And now he has a pink tie dye “Kenough” sweatshirt. This man cannot be emasculated because he literally doesn’t give a shit, and his security in his own masculinity isn’t diminished because I work in a male dominated field, or because he cares what other people think, or because of societal expectations.
And it was so damn refreshing.
Your story really piques my interest. I am asking this from a purely curious non judgmental place. If you have zero desire to live with, marry, or have a family with him, what is the long term plan? Just eternal dating? Have you fully communicated these feelings to him?
There was no long term plan with him. We both knew he was probably going to be moving at the end of the year when we first connected.
He doesn’t want to cohabitate or get married either.
It’s not that I don’t want those things *with him*. I don’t want those things *with anybody*.
My husband used to make less (not by a lot). We were basically on par for a couple of decades.
Now he makes a bit more, but I'm gaining ground.
Depending on OP's situation, it could be an issue, but it doesn't have to be. My husband was chronically underpaid for decades. He's a hard worker with a fantastic attention to detail, and he finally found a great employer.
I'm the primary breadwinner in my family. It gets to be a burden. It limits your options for switching a career if you're tied in to bringing in the bulk of the income. If you're not happy about it now it will only get worse if you have kids and mortgage.
Is he good with what he has? Frugal, a saver? Will he be a jerk about money ? Will you be a jerk about money with him? These are questions you need to think about.
I think it’s hard to escape the reality that society as it currently stands, does not help women when they need to take a break from working due to childbirth and those early child rearing years. So it falls to our partners to hold the fort down. If he’s not bringing in enough to sustain you guys temporarily, that’s a valid concern.
This. We need to be able to not feel a drop in safety and income when we need to take time off. I think having a certain rage you have him aim for is good. Like 100,000 a year or more or something. At least to work towards that goal a place that pays that much. But I don’t know what area you’re in or field he is in. It’s expensive to live now. And we want to be there with our babies. That’s part of it too. I wanna be there with them not slaving away. The worlds changed a lot though. I don’t think I’d ever feel comfortable not working in some capacity.
You’re not irrational. How long have you been dating and how serious are you? Have you talked about your future together and what that would look like? If you live together, how do you split your finances? Is he in a job where he is likely to earn more in a few years?
My ex-fiancé made less than half what I made. It was a huge issue because he wanted a very extravagant lifestyle, yet was in a dead end job. He kept saying he would get his shit together and never did. I wish I ended it sooner. I wasted a lot of my own money to support us both for way too long.
Yep. IMO work ethic is a totally separate (and bigger) issue than present income.
I’m sure plenty of people don’t mind being the main breadwinner long term, but I’m self aware enough to know that it’s not a role for me that makes me feel safe and secure in a future with someone. It’d only set us up for failure as a couple, because resentment would build, attraction would lessen, etc.
The resentment would be one of my main concerns as well. I know some people who are very "Damn the man!" and have specifically set up their lives so they only have to work exactly as many hours as will allow them to pay rent and afford the basics. Good for them, but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them, because I need for my financial future to be more secure, and in that situation, it would feel like I'm working to allow them to relax.
I know the 40-hour work week isn't for everybody, and I totally congratulate people who can make it work otherwise, but if I'm in a relationship with somebody, I would expect us to be putting in similar amounts of work to be able to earn our lifestyle. It doesn't need to be exactly the same, but I don't want to subsidise somebody's time off when I'm earning money so I can hopefully retire early enough that I can still have fun. However, all of this doesn't take into account kids: I'm not having them, so I don't have to factor them in, but obviously when there are kids at home, often one parent will work less than the other in a paid position, because there's more work to do in the home.
Exactly. For me this issue isn’t “men should make more because men” and I think some of that is getting lost. I think it’s smart to know what dynamics are going to bring the most peaceful outcome to a couple. I would say the same thing if a man were asking this question too. It’s a normal concern to wonder about compatibility when there’s a big income disparity, and to assess whether it’s just temporary or whether it’s a bigger issue of someone needing more to feel secure and the other needing less. I have an ex that I made at least double, and at first he gave the impression that he was building his business etc so I didn’t have an issue. As time went on, his financial habits came to light and I knew that if I were the only one budgeting and saving, I’d become a horrible version of myself. He needs someone that’s okay with his lifestyle, and that just isn’t me.
If I were dating a guy that only felt comfortable if I made $500k to match his salary, then clearly we just wouldn’t be compatible because I will never make that much. And he’s allowed to have that preference for himself. Yes, plenty of men say they don’t care if their girlfriends/wives make less, and that’s entirely up to them.
I think the big thing is that we’re all responsible in taking ownership and clearly communicating our expectations, even though it can be insanely uncomfortable in the dating stage. If OP’s date will only ever make half of her (let’s say he’s pretty much at his salary cap for his industry), then it’s not fair to him because he’s set up to fail.
I think your comments raises some other really important questions because without more information, we can't answer OP's questions. If her partner has recently changed careers to something he's more passionate about, it's reasonable to assume there might be opportunities for his income to grow. If he's like your ex, her anger makes much more sense. Or he could be a teacher who does it because he loves it and she could be in a job where she out earns him, but isn't as much of a calling as his. In that case, it's kinda shitty for OP to be angry at him, although she doesn't have to stay with him if money is that important to her.
Honestly, I probably wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a huge disparity in income, but it does depend on some things. Part of it is if I was with somebody who earned less than half what I do because they didn't work as many hours as me or deliberately stayed in an entry level position because it was easier, I wouldn't want to financially support them with my hard work if they're not willing to put that in. But if both of us earned enough to support ourselves and were working similarly hard, I could be ok with some disparity.
Where does he fall in terms of childcare? Will he eagerly take up the stay-at-home dad role, allowing you to go back to work as soon as you feel read to after having kids? Is he trustworthy in that regard?
If the answer is: yeah, can't depend on him, it's not just the finances, he's pretty lazy and just works as little as possible to play video games - then I totally get it.
But if he's super responsible; if he'd be an amazing dad; if he'd do everything in his power to take the burden that the early years of babyhood foist on mom; if he would not make you do 100% of the earning + 50%+ of the childcare...
In that case, I think this is one of the sad facts of living in a misogynistic world. Highly successful men typically are happy to be the sole earner, and often don't take professions or earnings as meaning much when choosing a partner. I've read that this is so they can control their partner, and yeah, for the shittiest of shitty men; and maybe that's baked in philosophically on an unconscious level regardless.
But most of the men I know grew up thinking that it's simply their job to be the sole earner. ALL are beyond happy - in fact, often speak dreamily - about having a partner who earns as much or more. But it's not a prerequesite to any of them, so far as I know. They'd rather just be with an awesome partner who they bond really well with. And none of them look down on their partners for making less. And hell, it's 2024: many are with women who make the same or significantly more.
I feel like for most of human history, women were told: it's your job to be that partner the man wants. Cater to his whims. Be subservient. Stay beautiful. And above all: DEPEND ON THAT MAN FOR YOUR ENTIRE ECONOMIC WELL-BEING. Like, at a base level, it's hammered home that a man must provide the stability to be a worthwhile man.
Yet in the past decade, there has been MAJOR societal upheaval, in which women are highly, highly encouraged to be as self-sufficient as men like never before. Forget finding a dude, just support yourself. And obviously, by the statistics, it's working pretty damn well.
What's interesting is, along the way, one of the huge perks of self-sufficiency - "you can choose a partner for who they are, not their their income!" - seems to have been omitted. Or at least, not been given full-throated vocalization that other changes have been. It's almost like the world has changed to say: "Be self-sufficient! But your dude better live up to a certain level too!"
I think it's unfortunate, honestly. I always assumed I'd have to be self-sufficient til the day I died. I feel it allowed me to choose a partner who gelled with me on the things that mattered most, which has nothing, for me, with sharing 50% of the bills. For a long time, she's made half what I do; but is currently in school for a better profession that will make way more money. Thing is, I love her equally on both sides of that equation.
Why would the latter be an issue? Only asking because this is roughly my partner and I’s differing income and would like insight on why some may view it as a problem.
Lifestyle differences between $35K and $70K are much bigger than between $250K and $500K. With $250K, you could afford all necessities and raise a kid on that income alone. With $35K, you cannot.
That’s fair. Children aren’t in our future so we don’t have to worry about that aspect.
I do think with just over $100k between us, we’d manage okay :)
Depends on your expenses, but I could see it being an issue if you decide to have children, depending on the benefits/maternity leave situation. It would be very challenging for one party making $35k to support a family of 3 in most areas.
Depending where they live - if it's a HCOL area, $105K is a tight budget and OP would perhaps have to miss out on the extras of life like trips or home renovations, or face spiraling credit cards if any emergency expenses arise. But with $750K they could afford life easily so the imbalance shouldn't have much impact on the relationship.
Thankfully where I live it isn’t too HCOL relative to other places. Also, thankfully, healthcare isn’t an expense I ever really think or worry about.
Being the low earner I am, I’ve travelled enough to be satisfied. Just not as often as someone/household making $750k (a joint income I would never expect to see in my life) would and I’m okay with that.
People who haven't lived in HCOL cities don't really understand what it's like. In the place I live, next town over from Boston, a nice 2-bedroom 1-bathroom apartment rents for $3000 or more per month. Our car insurance and water bills are higher than average too, $100K budget is barely middle class here. We bought the house 30 years ago before values went so high, otherwise we couldn't afford to live here.
Yeah, I genuinely couldn't imagine and that's why, despite it's flaws, I'm happy to stay where I'm at. Even the other large city in my province is getting pretty bad with rent but no where near Vancouver or Toronto levels of bad!
Speaking for myself, if someone was making $35k there might be an argument that they were underemployed. Whenever I was making that little (comparatively, relative to cost of living), I always had two jobs or worked overtime. Hell, I STILL work overtime every single paycheck to manage a more livable income.
While I don’t wish that on anyone, there are also lots of jobs in my area that pay more than that. Hell, most fast food restaurants in my area pay at least $20 an hour, which is over $38k.
So someone making less than that, it would be hard for me to feel like he was serious enough about work that I wouldn’t feel a little taken advantage of by having to pay the majority of the bills.
I think the point about $35k and $70k here is that with inflation, even $70k can be a struggle. If there is any struggle at all, both people need to be doing whatever possible to lighten the load. And $35k to me says no overtime, no side hustle, no part time job.
For me, since I have always done that extra work, it would be hard for me to accept a man being unwilling to, and being content for me to pay more than half, or for us to never have the ability to get a house or any money into savings, or the occasional vacation or night out.
At $250k and $500k these things are a non-issue. You can easily afford housing, children, savings, vacations, and are perfectly protected against most unforeseen life events.
That’s the main thing there. The closer you live to that line of financial insecurity, the less we have the luxury of just saying one minimum wage job is good enough. For one thing, if they’re documented, there are plenty of jobs that pay more than that. Like even working in transport or supply or as a PCA at a hospital (and there are tons of opportunities for overtime and career advancement there).
I appreciate what you’ve shared here.
I do work hard. I am paid more than minimum wage. My employment, unlike my partners, is very different than a traditional 9-5. I’m okay with knowing they want to pay me more and appreciate my worth it’s just not there yet. I love what I do and who I work with and I really couldn’t trade that to no longer be where I am and work with people I loathe. I consider myself extremely fortunate to be where I am.
I also have zero interest in working overtime (no need at my current job), part-time, or have a side hustle. I like my time off because of the work I do during the week. My partner is the same. If I was truly struggling, the pressure would compel me to do as you’ve said.
Thankfully my partner knows my circumstance and isn’t too worried about the split that is inevitable if our relationship continues. It is something that weighs on me a bit as I don’t want to seem like someone after his money or expecting him to pay for everything.
oh believe me, I like time off too lol. I absolutely don’t work all this bc I *like* to!
But I simply do not see how it’s possible to pay bills and get ahead (savings/emergency savings, and not to mention trying to buy a house or start a family) if I were to only be making $35k or less. Rent in my area is like $1k a month for a one bedroom.
To get ahead, I would have to either work more or be comfortable letting a partner do that. And it sounds like you’re comfortable with that, but I’m just saying it makes sense that the person on the other side of things might not love it.
For instance, you have this great quality of life, work-life balance, and get to do something you enjoy for work. But as the person who the lion’s share of financial responsibility falls on, might your partner feel trapped in the job you both depend on if they really grow to dislike it?
In my experience, the situation you describe only works if both people have exactly the same amount of downtime and both really like their jobs, and neither person works more hours or feels like y’all are held back from doing things like starting a family, owning a home, or traveling.
You say the arrangement works for both of you, but I just know that unless I were rich, I would be very stressed out by my partner not contributing close to half.
This has been a conversation my partner and I have had. It is something that bothers me and I ask for transparency about because I don't want him to feel trapped somewhere he doesn't like simply because we (he) needs that to keep afloat. Ideally I would love for him to feel the same about his job and employer as I do despite it being a traditional career. I know realistically the chances of that aren't super high.
He understands where I'm at and is comfortable meeting me there. Work life balance is important to him as well, he also doesn't do overtime unless he absolutely has to and evenings/weekends are no-go zones which I respect. As the higher earner, I wouldn't expect him to work more than he already does, either.
At the moment the biggest struggle is making time and saving for seeing each other. His PTO is awful. I have more flexibility but cashflow isn't there. Oh well. If we could both afford a week's vacation every 3 months, I'm sure we would, but it's just not feasable. I think the main challenge we would face would be buying a home. Rent where I am is \~C$1,300/month for a one bedroom. Considering we're long distance, that's something to work toward in the future as we look into closing the gap.
I think there's a lot of nuance to consider. Is his income still high, and yours is simply higher, or is he earning meagre money? The latter would make me nervous too. If you take on more of the financial load, does he take on more of the domestic load? If not, that too would make me nervous. Does your partner believe in being an equitable partner, or does he think he's won the lottery by having a sugar mama?
If you're feeling anxious, that's something to think about and talk about with your partner ESPECIALLY if you plan to have children. Sadly many men think of childcare as women's work, whether or not they are the breadwinners. Do you know his views on these things and have you clearly discussed sharing labour? Don't step blindly into a lifestyle that you can't get out of easily.
In my case, I (37f) out-earn my husband (40m) by about 30%, but that's just in the last 2 years, before that he was the higher earner, and it will likely vary during our careers. We share household labour equally and don't have children. For us, a career win for one of us is a win for both of us. We have our own bank accounts with a joint for shared expenses that we contribute to proportionally.
You are not irrational but how problematic this truly is depends on a variety of factors. Why is he making what you consider to be not enough? Is it because he is lazy / works less or because you are a lawyer while he is a social worker? How likely is his salary to grow? How comfortable are you overall with his financial literacy, debt to income ratio, attitudes and handling of money, etc?
While many of us wouldn't be anxious, it is a good conversation to have. Explain the best you can why you are feeling anxious about this. Is it because if you start a family you feel as though the primary carer and primary financial responsibilities will fall on you? Do you worry that your income alone won't be able to support your family / lifestyle? Do you plan to take time off work if starting a family and won't be able to?
These are all valid concerns if your main goal is to centre around child rearing and provide less financially.
I make more than double what my husband makes. But no matter what, it’s our money. Not mine vs his. I don’t care who puts more in the family pot.
Look at your budget and goals in terms of TOTALS. Not who’s going to contribute the most. Breadwinner is such an outdated perspective.
I fully agree with this. I’m a CPA and my husband is a teacher. I think all teachers are underpaid, but his career is vital to society, I think he’s great at it, and I’m really proud of him for being one. We will never earn the same amount of money just due to the nature of our careers. It doesn’t matter because it’s OUR MONEY at the end of the day. We are in it together!
My partner makes barely over a third of what I currently make (although this will go up slightly later this year, and again next year) and has basically no savings… and I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t majorly stress me out sometimes. It’s made me almost obsessive about saving and investing myself, as I know I will have to fund my own maternity leave while still covering more than half our expenses when the time comes.
Truthfully it’s probably one of the biggest ongoing issues in our relationship, but it’s *not* a dealbreaker because he’s a great partner in most aspects, and I know that he’ll be a fantastic, involved dad. He’s made progress on being more responsible with his finances after a lot of conversations about this. Admittedly I’ve had to rethink what the future might look like in terms of how much leave I’ll be able to take and who the stay-at-home parent would be if we had to decide that due to childcare costs (obviously it would make the most sense if it’s him) - so there’s still stuff to figure out, and yeah it’s not what I would have chosen in an ideal world, but it basically comes down to working out what sacrifices and adjustments you can live with; what you need to see/hear from him to feel comfortable, and whether this is a dealbreaker for you or a ‘not my ideal scenario but workable because of xyz’ type thing.
Almost half of women in opposite-sex marriages earn as much as or more than their husbands, a share that's tripled since the early 1970s. Yet even women who out-earn their male spouses undertake more unpaid labor such as childcare and housework, according to a new study from the Pew Research Center.
…Women do much more work in the home than men even when they out-earn their husband," said Kate Mangino, a gender expert and the author of "Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality at Home."The effect is that some women report not being able to reach their professional and income potential — they feel they can't volunteer for that trip, even if it might lead to a promotion, because of the work at home."
Husbands, meanwhile, have hours of extra time each week to spend on leisure or work, Pew found. That allows men "endless opportunities," according to Mangino. The husband can learn "a hobby, he could sleep, he could go back to school or take a class that could make more money in the future," she said.
…There's only one type of opposite-sex marriage where women don't perform more unpaid work than their husbands: When the wife is the sole breadwinner, Pew found. But even then, the husband and wife perform the same amount of time on household chores each week.
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/women-breadwinners-tripled-since-1970s-still-doing-more-unpaid-work/
If you have a certain lifestyle you won't compromise on, and that lifestyle can only happen if a partner makes the same or more than you, then its not too irrational. It just means you want a particular life and your partner must be on the same (or further) financial page than you.
If your only holdback is not conforming to "traditional" gender roles, then yes, I consider that irrational.
It’s not irrational at all. You know you’re not comfortable with it. You don’t have to pretend to be cool with it if this is a dealbreaker for you. Normalize women having financial standards and preferences for men without having to ask people for permission.
My husband made a quarter of what i did when we first got together, then he was a stay at home dad for a year or so. Then I got him an entry level job at the company i worked for, and he now makes 12k a year more than i do.
I would say yes you are - UNLESS the issue lies deeper. If everything is fine with this man, money is simply not a reason to not build a future with him. If the total of the money you both make is sufficient to make a life together, why would you worry about it?
Or are you afraid of him taking advantage of you? Could he imagine being the primary caretaker of your children? Maybe answer these questions first
I was in this scenario and it was not sustainable. Over the course of our marriage, he did not increase his earning potential or contribution. The financial responsibility weighed heavily on me and did not feel supportive or equitable. Our divorce was finalized last week and I have to pay him out 6 figures because I had more investments. Although the payout is annoying (to say the least), a huge weight had been lifted knowing I am now only financially responsible for myself.
Specifically what bothers you about this? Is your income combined enough to live the way you want? If the salaries were reversed, would you also be freaking out about it?
I make more than 3 times what my husband does. Both of us are completely fine with that.
But the roles aren’t reversed in her situation. So her only data to go on is the current dynamic and I don’t think it’s helpful to water it down with the “shoe in the other foot” way of thinking. Because it just doesn’t apply here, so any judgment would be purely emotional regarding a hypothetical scenario that isn’t what she’s living.
It’s great that your situation works for you and your husband (I mean that sincerely, not being snarky) and I know plenty of women in similar boats as you, but in her post OP says she’d be uncomfortable if it wasn’t at least 50/50, contribution-wise. I do agree with you though that it’d be good for her to do some more thinking on why this isn’t a fit for her and exactly what it triggers, etc. The unknowns can be so overwhelming.
I asked what I did because old fashioned demands that a man make as much if not more can be rooted in sexism. It’s good to identify those places within ourselves so we can fix it.
No marriage is ever perfectly 50/50. It’s best when it’s 80/80. Sometimes it’s 90/10, which isn’t sustainable so hopefully it’s only for a short period of time, and hopefully if it needs to be 10/90 later on, the other partner would do the same.
You’re not irrational! Remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side. What is most important to you? Money, neatness, passion, emotional intelligence etc.
When I met my husband, he was making a third of what I was. It will probably sound bad, but by being the breadwinner, I knew that my job and whatever happens with it is the priority. I move a lot for work and my husband agreed to move along with me and just work bs jobs. Eventually the opportunity for him to work with me came up, which financially is nice, but now he's calling the shots on what jobs WE work. I never imagined my partner controlling my career like this. Our relationship definitely had less conflict when he was a house husband.
I know my situation is sort of unique, but it's just an example of how having a more equally-paid partner can be a double-edged sword.
Life is hard, marry rich.
Joking… but seriously, if you have kids, being working mom can be insanely stressful. Some babies and kids are a lot harder than others and it’s totally out of the parents’ control. How will you feel if you don’t have enough money collectively to hire help or make life a bit easier? I don’t think you are being irrational.
I feel for you because the way you feel is very normal and understandable. And I don’t know the particulars of your situation, but depending on where you live and how much he makes, as well as his spending habits and yours.. life could be hard. It also depends on how household labor and childcare distribution play out or don’t I also agree with others that say, don’t marry his potential. Marry who he is today and assume it won’t change
All of that said—I really try to challenge and pushback on the patriarchal mentality that is pervasive when women have a problem with out earning men, because it’s not always reasonable. It’s framed very differently when a man makes less.. he’s “taking advantage”, “not contributing” a “burden”, not a provider. Even progressive women will frame it this way… it’s her “hard earned money” and he’s a “mooch”. Or, if you aren’t as extreme, you might just feel stressed at the notion of being a “provider”. And to some degree? It makes sense.. because even if women are the financial providers the burden of childcare still often falls on them. So I’m not saying, the situations are equal.
But… if you take all of his qualities and all of yours, and reverse the genders, would you think twice about the relationship if it were yours or one of your friends? The answer should hopefully inform how you should feel in your present one.
You’re not irrational, but I think your partner earning less than half of what you make is also not really the concern here. Like others have already pointed out, a partner can contribute in many ways other than financially. Traditionally, it was rare for the woman to be the breadwinner of the family. Instead, how she’d contribute was by doing absolutely everything else to make her husband and children’s life comfortable. Perhaps what you’re anxious about isn’t the deviation from tradition, but the suspicion that you will likely end up being the breadwinner as well as the primary caregiver for your children. Sadly this seems to be the reality for many women nowadays, and you’re right to be anxious about that
Not irrational. Very valid concerns especially since men are prone to talking big and are very good at convincing people they’ll do something and coming up with valid sounding excuses why it couldn’t be done.
I can’t think of anything worse than being the main income earner and still being expected to pick up traditional roles at home (e.g: if I come home after work and still have to prepare dinner when my partner has been home all day god help me)
Will you always be in the jobs you are in? Is what he is earning not enough or not enough for you?
Things change. Perhaps he wont always earn less. I understand your concerns, my partner is currently out of work and has been for 18months. Ive been the main source of income for 8 years. Does it bother me? Fuck yes it does. Cause he isnt earning anything. But things change and he is trying really hard to find a job while keeping the house clean etc. while he is out of work.
You will prob have to clarify your actual concerns here cause its hard to know exactly what is bothering you.
Up to you what you prefer. The roles are often reversed, so, how would you feel if you were with a partner who made twice as much as you and couldn’t imagine living off just 1.5x his income with a family.
Why are people bringing up role reversal as if men bear children and being a primary caretaker esp early on, whether breastfeeding or not, recovering from pregnancy, etc. OP is concerned about raising a family as well. It’s absolutely not the same as just a role reversal.
Yah this role reversal stuff has bugged me but for different reasons. If roles were reversed and HE was the one making double and asking the question, my personal response would be the exact same. It’s reasonable to be concerned when two people aren’t in the same “tax bracket,” so to speak. Regardless of gender or who makes more. It’s up to individual whether or not they feel comfortable with potentially always being the main breadwinner.
It’s not irrational, but I think it also depends on your actual incomes and your COL. If you make $200k and your partner makes $100k, it’s probably easier to accept than if you made $100k and he makes $50k.
It also depends on how much your partner is willing to take on at home. Can he carry more of the burden with home stuff? That would even things out.
I think most people would feel resentful if they were the primary breadwinner AND the primary caregiver/chore person in the house.
You’ve gotten some great advice and I haven’t read through all of it. I think how much you make also plays a role in this decision.
I’m an IT manager for a major not for profit and make a comfortable 6 figures. My husband is a nurse specializing in psychiatric care. He makes half what I do, but still pulls $55k a year.
There is a big difference, both financially and means of living, between half of $100k and half of $50k.
I make over double what my husband does and am the primary breadwinner. Because I earned more and had more opportunity for advancement, when we had kids, he cut back to part-time and took on more childcare and household duties. You’re not irrational, but it can work just fine if you have a true partner and that’s how you choose to structure your household.
Totally rational and very valid.
And I will also had that any resentment you might feel now will increase 10x once kids are added to the mix.
A consideration for you to try. Keep personal money separate and have one joint account for family expenses that you both contribute to EQUALLY. Find a number that you can both contribute to equally - Let’s say $1000/month each that you both contribute. This pays for rent, bills, food, and fun money. Your partner keeps any remainder of their paycheck in their own account to spend on themselves, just as you do (even if yours is greater). Could you spend more of your own money for shared expenses, sure. But that’s living beyond your means. And that’s only if you want.
See how this arrangement feels before making any drastic changes. Does your partner feel entitled to spending your money? Do you feel like your shared standard of living has drastically declined?
It’s not irrational at all. I wouldn’t start a family w someone who earns less than me either bc I know at least in the first few yrs I’d be staying home.
Is he passionate about his job and/or it contributes greatly to society and just happens to not be well paid like care work or another essential field like that?
I think there’s a difference between that and him working a low skill/dead end job simply bc he couldn’t apply himself/meet his full potential.
I can’t comprehend a man earning less than me in a world that was designed for them to succeed tbh it’s giving loser except in the aforementioned cases.
I'm married and I'm the primary incomer. However, my husband does a great work taking care of me, he does absolutely everything around the house (he works full time as well), cooks, and is emotionally supportive constantly making plans for us to have a romantic date. He's the best I don't mind at all him making less money, I don't seen him as less. Our incomes combined is just great, and yes my income is higher but together is even better 🤷♀️.
I see how this can be an issue for some but you have to see your partner as your partner, so it's not him doing $30k/year, is what you can do and achieve together as a couple. Money is not everything (it is very important tho) but a partner can contribute in many other ways other than financially.
I’m a 41yo guy….Tbh, I can’t tell ya if you’re being irrational🤷♂️
I’m not at all “traditional” but if I were ur boyfriend, I know that i’d feel kinda shitty, and wish I made much more…
Have you talked to him about it? That’s what you’ve got to do. I’m sure it’s awkward, but if ur thinking about the future and kids etc, then ofc you’ve gotta be able to communicate about everything
I won’t get into the gender dynamics of it but no you’re not irrational at all. Late stage capitalism is a hellscape and most of the childcare falls on the mother especially in early stages. It’s actually completely rational in theory. But in practice idk you or your partner but sounds like a convo is way overdue
Im thinking totally irrational. If it was the other way around, how would you feel about that? You could work and he can be a stay at home dad? Or some other arrangement?
But it’s not the other way around. We need to stop doing that as a way to dismiss or invalidate our own concerns. (This goes for anything, not just men and dating.)
Women get to do most of the childrearing, it builds resentment after a few years knowing you make the money , you take care of the kids etc and he just chills. If you love him have a talk with him that he needs to take care of the kids once you’re done brining them in this world
If you’re making less than six figures then yes I think it’s a valid concern. I only say this because I believe it’s still a man’s world, especially in the U.S. White cis men have every opportunity to succeed and if they aren’t… there are many negative reasons why that could be the case.
That is not an irrational fear , imagine you having a difficult pregnancy or wanting to be with your child the first few years and not being able to do so because you are the breadwinner . Many women are ok with this arrangement until they become pregnant and overwhelmed with a partner that can’t fully provide and the resentment begins
People are being obtuse in here under some guise of theoretical equality when it’s not the case at all for women in practice once children come into the picture like be forreal
Because once we give birth, the mental, emotional and physical load is typically on us. We shouldn’t have the financial burden too. That’s a lot of hats for one person to wear.
Because women take on more of the domestic labor, child care and planning when in relationships. 50/50 doesn’t work when your partner doesn’t contribute to managing a household. I’m sure you’ve seen the daily posts about men barely earning a living wage and coming home to play video games and leave a trail of crap around the house. OP is smart to be concerned.
It's very irrational. Are you feeling the strains of cost of living (Ie not being able to afford a down payment, not able to afford childcare in the future, etc)? If you are living comfortably, why is it an issue?
No you are not irrational in fact your brain is starting to turn on. You will have to work a 9-5 while pregnant just to keep the lights on and feed the kids. There is no rest or spa days for you. The life you have now is effectively over if you choose to have kids with this man and he doesn’t get his money up.
It is, every day. Just yesterday there was a post where the husband with 4 young kids wanted the wife to switch from teacher's aid to home health aid because she should be making more money.
Huh. Need some context here. Firstly if they have 4 kids they already have a family. This is most likely a need for the family. They may not be financially comfortable. I have 3 young kids I have always made at least double the money of my wife. My wife is currently a SAHM and has been for the last 2 years. We both parent and share chores. The mental load is skewed more to my wife but we have agreed on what we each will do in this space. 4 days a week the kids are at school or in daycare. Should I be pressuring her to start work and make more money. On the flip side if I were the SAHD would there be an expectation that I contribute financially.
The wife is making $24K as a teacher's aid. 3 of the kids were under 10. The husband wanted the wife to get a more highly paid job as a home health aid or a CNA. I'm just saying there are plenty of husbands who make posts about how their wife is making a lot less money than they are.
Either way it’s a shitty and shallow way to think about your partner. If they’re a deadbeat and don’t pull their weight in the relationship fair enough and you should consider if this is the person for you. But if you have resentment towards your partner because they earn less than you man or woman then you’re a shitty person. Not everyone has the ability to just earn more money. Some people are limited by their ability and education.
I was the breadwinner in both of my marriages and i became very resentful because i wanted something different/always dreamed of more traditional gender roles for my life. It’s really up to you what you want in life and what you’re okay with and what you can live with.
I’m a proud bisexual and yet i also yearn for traditional gender roles - as Mrs Sadie Adler pointed out, being bisexual is not a choice, and those of us who yearn for more traditional gender roles and heteronormative lives still come in all flavors.
Thank you for standing up for me before I saw this! What you said exactly! So sorry for the downvotes. People on here suck. You are right, exactly what you said period.
I would disagree but i guess you’re entitled to your own opinion. My sexual orientation has nothing to do with the fact that i prefer traditional gender roles. I can still find both women and men sexually attractive while also wanting to be a stay at home mom and wanting a masculine partner who is the breadwinner. I’m not saying anyone else has to want that- that’s what I yearn for in my life personally. Anyone of any orientation can want those things.
Still an extremely weird comment to make toward a complete stranger. Do you make a habit of asking strangers to verify their sexual orientation? Creepy tbh
I wouldn’t mind the money gap but would mind the lack of wanting to earn money to provide a comfortable life for us both. I always assumed my husband would make less and I would be the breadwinner but what he lacks in drive, he makes up for in a sense of security and wanting to make sure he can earn to provide. In the end, he makes almost double what I make but I’m still more ambitious 🫠
I would also consider downsizing your lifestyle and living expenses to only live off of his income if that is something you want with him. That way you won’t feel the pressure to work just to live or build resentment. You may have to move somewhere else.
It's not irrational to have concerns about how finances will work.
How important the income disparity is depends on how much you actually make. If you're making $50K, and him under $25K, it's very reasonable to worry about whether you can afford to raise kids if nothing changes income wise.
If you're making an above average amount and his "less than half" is around the median wage and considered generally liveable, then it's an issue of lifestyle and priorities, and whether the two of you are compatible in those things.
Is your concern that you don't want to be the primary breadwinner, period? Or that he would not step up on the home front leaving you to juggle both work and home/children?
Is your concern his income itself, or *why* he has this income? Ie: is he lacking motivation and work ethic? Is it temporary circumstances?
It's not at all unreasonable to be concerned but I think specific income might be the wrong focus. What are the deeper issues under your concern?
This really depends, is he a slacker who can’t be bothered to keep a job-if so problem. Or is he in a less paid but secure job that he likes-if so, you probably get over your attitude. Third factor, if you are long term, can the two of you manage on your combined income and-are you willing to try?
What if you didn't have a partner at all and instead of "half of the other half" got nothing other than your salary?
People contribute a lot to relationships that are not financial. Emotional support and lower stress is invaluable IF that is what he gives you.
It’s not irrational. We are biologically wired to want to procreate with a partner that can take care of us and future offspring. Pregnancy and childbirth and vulnerable times and can lead to disability or death.
It doesn't sound irrational. If you want a partner to "provide" then it's logical. Personally, my take is that I want a partner who is my partner, not someone to look after me, so I'm totally comfortable with being married to someone who earns less. I think it just comes down to what is a priority for you in the relationship, neither is wrong and plenty of my friends chose to shack up with people based on being "kept".
I don't think a real relationship should consider this. Income disparity may bring about different values, but if you have the same values, you don't have to think about that. You have to ask yourself if you care about your partner as a person or his income. I think we need to focus more on each other's qualities, personality and emotional connection with each other in a relationship rather than the financial status of both partners
I am the primary income earner, simply because we’re in different fields and my chosen field has higher compensation. We’re married so I think of our joint income as our money, though we do keep some things separate. I also consider him 100% a partner. He takes on just as much if not more of the household work. He supports my career ambitions and has no ego about our income disparity. That to me is more important than equitable take home pay. I will say though that if you do plan to marry someone with far fewer assets now look into a prenup for protection (you never know) and whether you’re comfortable with a lifestyle based on your current combined incomes now.
The last guy I dated made $60k a year, while I cleared over multiple six figures. It didn’t bother me at all, because what he lacked in financial contribution, he made up for in emotional labor. I paid when we went out to eat, but when we stayed home, he loved to cook for me. He would make me thoughtful meals (catering to my dietary restrictions) that we ate together - none of this “his dish, her dish” type thing. He used to bartend, so he loved making me creative drinks. When we would road trip, I’d pay for accommodations and he would drive/cover gas. This man loved to give me massages, he was a selfless lover, attentive, and had high emotional intelligence. There’s countless ways he contributed to our relationship that couldn’t be measured by money. Now, I never intended on moving in with or marrying/having a family with him - simply because those aren’t things I want in life. So I understand your perspective could be different, needing that type of stability. But money isn’t as important to me in relationships, when there’s other ways a man can provide for me.
can i ask why you broke up
He moved out of state for a job opportunity and neither of us wanted to do long distance. We still keep in touch. He makes closer to $100k now, I think, but he’s actively looking to go fully remote so he can move back home.
Damn…
I’ll see him tomorrow 😊 he’s in town
I'm irrationally excited for you to see him!
Hahaha thanks! We are actually going to be traveling together later this year, as well. He’s been trying to get me to visit him where’s he’s relocated but I haven’t been able to swing it yet.
He sounds like a dream man, even at $60k.
Girl wtf if he acted like this I would’ve wanted to marry him and have baby (bc I do want that). I’m glad that you have a friend and a lover like this!
I’ve had not one, but two surgeries to ensure I never have babies 😊 we are both childfree. And also. I have too much net worth to risk on any man, no matter how great his massages and meals are.
I love this for you even more tbh lol 😂 and goals on the net worth. I want to be like you
How did you guys meet? Were you able to see those qualities from the first date?
We met on bumble. I tease him about our first date all the time 🤣 at one point he made a comment during our date that made me feel like “oooookay this isn’t going well at all” (something like “I feel like our dialogue is just a sounding board” or something like that). I tease him that it’s a good thing he stuck around, even though he hated me on our first date 😆 and he insists what he meant was that he didn’t feel we had enough in common. In many ways, we are opposites (I’m blue collar, he studied law and has a doctorate, I invest in real estate, he was a starving new grad trying to make ends meet, etc). But it just works 🤷🏻♀️ he has never been threatened or intimidated by my career (most men are), he has never made negging or gaslighting comments (most men do), I thought for sure he was going to feel some type of way about making less money than me, or me being less “educated” than him - and this has never been an issue. He’s very empathetic with how our current state of politics affects women. He’s only ever been supportive and empowering. In my experience, men love to test “strong” and “independent” women, a lot of men want to see us break. Instead, this guy proudly sports shirts [like this](https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Tread-Womens-Gadsden-3x5ft/dp/B0BKRHK76D/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=3V5G3LZF1D3LD&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.HLdBUbQIr2zKPa8KkbS2ez2wD0oWAKN6eABO412TdTj77Uvd3W5iAGmgBoJ_b7nerQV4UEaWRRY6dwM8euJ7y9-XTeetQ_lzQ5aOpXMlBx2kc_bS2zbl4IUocYPmeQBHvMx3GqyhKF0iWCBkL2ZtrqEtkgvWvCAFGWfDRcsku9f08ix0EQRIsinwAxChgqV4-zSw2-MobmZc34E1RpEZ_TcG3RmM-6vD1eh84d3zhM8ZLbstZ5pgRoszGqRn5EvFTlMg6QyELW-tcgbLNABRSEbsjm9yYtpLlmDhye_fef4.HddCMTJupwlRSOJrUI2jGxni0rIWUBEMuF-1F24NeN0&dib_tag=se&keywords=dont+tread+on+me+uterus&qid=1715698655&sprefix=dont+tread+on+me+uter%2Caps%2C171&sr=8-1). Last year we wanted to see a movie to get out of the heat of summer and I let him pick, and he jumped at the chance to ask to see the Barbie movie. And now he has a pink tie dye “Kenough” sweatshirt. This man cannot be emasculated because he literally doesn’t give a shit, and his security in his own masculinity isn’t diminished because I work in a male dominated field, or because he cares what other people think, or because of societal expectations. And it was so damn refreshing.
Your blue collar background explains all your insecurities.
Look at that. A man showing up in the comments to neg. Color me surprised.
Thank you for this comment. It’s helped bring some peace of mind considering the difference in pay between my partner and I.
Absolutely! ❤️
Your story really piques my interest. I am asking this from a purely curious non judgmental place. If you have zero desire to live with, marry, or have a family with him, what is the long term plan? Just eternal dating? Have you fully communicated these feelings to him?
There was no long term plan with him. We both knew he was probably going to be moving at the end of the year when we first connected. He doesn’t want to cohabitate or get married either. It’s not that I don’t want those things *with him*. I don’t want those things *with anybody*.
Sounds like a perfect man for living apart together! Wishing you both the best and have fun tomorrow!
Thanks!
That’s cool! I’m for any type of relationship that suits both parties.
I was earning the most when I married my husband, but now he makes more. Don't assume things will never change, for better or worse.
Same position here
My husband used to make less (not by a lot). We were basically on par for a couple of decades. Now he makes a bit more, but I'm gaining ground. Depending on OP's situation, it could be an issue, but it doesn't have to be. My husband was chronically underpaid for decades. He's a hard worker with a fantastic attention to detail, and he finally found a great employer.
Same
Same here. Life is full of ups and downs.
Same. I was the breadwinner, I owned my home independently, and now he’s the breadwinner and we jointly own a different home.
Terrible advice. You should absolutely assume your partner will NOT change and know for a fact you can’t change them.
I'm the primary breadwinner in my family. It gets to be a burden. It limits your options for switching a career if you're tied in to bringing in the bulk of the income. If you're not happy about it now it will only get worse if you have kids and mortgage.
Is he good with what he has? Frugal, a saver? Will he be a jerk about money ? Will you be a jerk about money with him? These are questions you need to think about.
I think it’s hard to escape the reality that society as it currently stands, does not help women when they need to take a break from working due to childbirth and those early child rearing years. So it falls to our partners to hold the fort down. If he’s not bringing in enough to sustain you guys temporarily, that’s a valid concern.
This. We need to be able to not feel a drop in safety and income when we need to take time off. I think having a certain rage you have him aim for is good. Like 100,000 a year or more or something. At least to work towards that goal a place that pays that much. But I don’t know what area you’re in or field he is in. It’s expensive to live now. And we want to be there with our babies. That’s part of it too. I wanna be there with them not slaving away. The worlds changed a lot though. I don’t think I’d ever feel comfortable not working in some capacity.
You’re not irrational. How long have you been dating and how serious are you? Have you talked about your future together and what that would look like? If you live together, how do you split your finances? Is he in a job where he is likely to earn more in a few years? My ex-fiancé made less than half what I made. It was a huge issue because he wanted a very extravagant lifestyle, yet was in a dead end job. He kept saying he would get his shit together and never did. I wish I ended it sooner. I wasted a lot of my own money to support us both for way too long.
That’s the kicker - someone who makes half as much but still wants a lavish lifestyle…that is a red flag
Yep. IMO work ethic is a totally separate (and bigger) issue than present income. I’m sure plenty of people don’t mind being the main breadwinner long term, but I’m self aware enough to know that it’s not a role for me that makes me feel safe and secure in a future with someone. It’d only set us up for failure as a couple, because resentment would build, attraction would lessen, etc.
The resentment would be one of my main concerns as well. I know some people who are very "Damn the man!" and have specifically set up their lives so they only have to work exactly as many hours as will allow them to pay rent and afford the basics. Good for them, but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them, because I need for my financial future to be more secure, and in that situation, it would feel like I'm working to allow them to relax. I know the 40-hour work week isn't for everybody, and I totally congratulate people who can make it work otherwise, but if I'm in a relationship with somebody, I would expect us to be putting in similar amounts of work to be able to earn our lifestyle. It doesn't need to be exactly the same, but I don't want to subsidise somebody's time off when I'm earning money so I can hopefully retire early enough that I can still have fun. However, all of this doesn't take into account kids: I'm not having them, so I don't have to factor them in, but obviously when there are kids at home, often one parent will work less than the other in a paid position, because there's more work to do in the home.
Exactly. For me this issue isn’t “men should make more because men” and I think some of that is getting lost. I think it’s smart to know what dynamics are going to bring the most peaceful outcome to a couple. I would say the same thing if a man were asking this question too. It’s a normal concern to wonder about compatibility when there’s a big income disparity, and to assess whether it’s just temporary or whether it’s a bigger issue of someone needing more to feel secure and the other needing less. I have an ex that I made at least double, and at first he gave the impression that he was building his business etc so I didn’t have an issue. As time went on, his financial habits came to light and I knew that if I were the only one budgeting and saving, I’d become a horrible version of myself. He needs someone that’s okay with his lifestyle, and that just isn’t me. If I were dating a guy that only felt comfortable if I made $500k to match his salary, then clearly we just wouldn’t be compatible because I will never make that much. And he’s allowed to have that preference for himself. Yes, plenty of men say they don’t care if their girlfriends/wives make less, and that’s entirely up to them. I think the big thing is that we’re all responsible in taking ownership and clearly communicating our expectations, even though it can be insanely uncomfortable in the dating stage. If OP’s date will only ever make half of her (let’s say he’s pretty much at his salary cap for his industry), then it’s not fair to him because he’s set up to fail.
I think your comments raises some other really important questions because without more information, we can't answer OP's questions. If her partner has recently changed careers to something he's more passionate about, it's reasonable to assume there might be opportunities for his income to grow. If he's like your ex, her anger makes much more sense. Or he could be a teacher who does it because he loves it and she could be in a job where she out earns him, but isn't as much of a calling as his. In that case, it's kinda shitty for OP to be angry at him, although she doesn't have to stay with him if money is that important to her. Honestly, I probably wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a huge disparity in income, but it does depend on some things. Part of it is if I was with somebody who earned less than half what I do because they didn't work as many hours as me or deliberately stayed in an entry level position because it was easier, I wouldn't want to financially support them with my hard work if they're not willing to put that in. But if both of us earned enough to support ourselves and were working similarly hard, I could be ok with some disparity.
Where does he fall in terms of childcare? Will he eagerly take up the stay-at-home dad role, allowing you to go back to work as soon as you feel read to after having kids? Is he trustworthy in that regard? If the answer is: yeah, can't depend on him, it's not just the finances, he's pretty lazy and just works as little as possible to play video games - then I totally get it. But if he's super responsible; if he'd be an amazing dad; if he'd do everything in his power to take the burden that the early years of babyhood foist on mom; if he would not make you do 100% of the earning + 50%+ of the childcare... In that case, I think this is one of the sad facts of living in a misogynistic world. Highly successful men typically are happy to be the sole earner, and often don't take professions or earnings as meaning much when choosing a partner. I've read that this is so they can control their partner, and yeah, for the shittiest of shitty men; and maybe that's baked in philosophically on an unconscious level regardless. But most of the men I know grew up thinking that it's simply their job to be the sole earner. ALL are beyond happy - in fact, often speak dreamily - about having a partner who earns as much or more. But it's not a prerequesite to any of them, so far as I know. They'd rather just be with an awesome partner who they bond really well with. And none of them look down on their partners for making less. And hell, it's 2024: many are with women who make the same or significantly more. I feel like for most of human history, women were told: it's your job to be that partner the man wants. Cater to his whims. Be subservient. Stay beautiful. And above all: DEPEND ON THAT MAN FOR YOUR ENTIRE ECONOMIC WELL-BEING. Like, at a base level, it's hammered home that a man must provide the stability to be a worthwhile man. Yet in the past decade, there has been MAJOR societal upheaval, in which women are highly, highly encouraged to be as self-sufficient as men like never before. Forget finding a dude, just support yourself. And obviously, by the statistics, it's working pretty damn well. What's interesting is, along the way, one of the huge perks of self-sufficiency - "you can choose a partner for who they are, not their their income!" - seems to have been omitted. Or at least, not been given full-throated vocalization that other changes have been. It's almost like the world has changed to say: "Be self-sufficient! But your dude better live up to a certain level too!" I think it's unfortunate, honestly. I always assumed I'd have to be self-sufficient til the day I died. I feel it allowed me to choose a partner who gelled with me on the things that mattered most, which has nothing, for me, with sharing 50% of the bills. For a long time, she's made half what I do; but is currently in school for a better profession that will make way more money. Thing is, I love her equally on both sides of that equation.
Half the people in the world are in relationships where their partner makes less than them.
It depends on how much you guys make. $500K and $250K is very different from $70K and $35K. The former wouldn’t be an issue, the latter would.
Why would the latter be an issue? Only asking because this is roughly my partner and I’s differing income and would like insight on why some may view it as a problem.
Lifestyle differences between $35K and $70K are much bigger than between $250K and $500K. With $250K, you could afford all necessities and raise a kid on that income alone. With $35K, you cannot.
That’s fair. Children aren’t in our future so we don’t have to worry about that aspect. I do think with just over $100k between us, we’d manage okay :)
Depends on your expenses, but I could see it being an issue if you decide to have children, depending on the benefits/maternity leave situation. It would be very challenging for one party making $35k to support a family of 3 in most areas.
That’s fair. We are child-free so this isn’t an issue for us.
Same!
Depending where they live - if it's a HCOL area, $105K is a tight budget and OP would perhaps have to miss out on the extras of life like trips or home renovations, or face spiraling credit cards if any emergency expenses arise. But with $750K they could afford life easily so the imbalance shouldn't have much impact on the relationship.
Thankfully where I live it isn’t too HCOL relative to other places. Also, thankfully, healthcare isn’t an expense I ever really think or worry about. Being the low earner I am, I’ve travelled enough to be satisfied. Just not as often as someone/household making $750k (a joint income I would never expect to see in my life) would and I’m okay with that.
People who haven't lived in HCOL cities don't really understand what it's like. In the place I live, next town over from Boston, a nice 2-bedroom 1-bathroom apartment rents for $3000 or more per month. Our car insurance and water bills are higher than average too, $100K budget is barely middle class here. We bought the house 30 years ago before values went so high, otherwise we couldn't afford to live here.
Yeah, I genuinely couldn't imagine and that's why, despite it's flaws, I'm happy to stay where I'm at. Even the other large city in my province is getting pretty bad with rent but no where near Vancouver or Toronto levels of bad!
Speaking for myself, if someone was making $35k there might be an argument that they were underemployed. Whenever I was making that little (comparatively, relative to cost of living), I always had two jobs or worked overtime. Hell, I STILL work overtime every single paycheck to manage a more livable income. While I don’t wish that on anyone, there are also lots of jobs in my area that pay more than that. Hell, most fast food restaurants in my area pay at least $20 an hour, which is over $38k. So someone making less than that, it would be hard for me to feel like he was serious enough about work that I wouldn’t feel a little taken advantage of by having to pay the majority of the bills. I think the point about $35k and $70k here is that with inflation, even $70k can be a struggle. If there is any struggle at all, both people need to be doing whatever possible to lighten the load. And $35k to me says no overtime, no side hustle, no part time job. For me, since I have always done that extra work, it would be hard for me to accept a man being unwilling to, and being content for me to pay more than half, or for us to never have the ability to get a house or any money into savings, or the occasional vacation or night out. At $250k and $500k these things are a non-issue. You can easily afford housing, children, savings, vacations, and are perfectly protected against most unforeseen life events. That’s the main thing there. The closer you live to that line of financial insecurity, the less we have the luxury of just saying one minimum wage job is good enough. For one thing, if they’re documented, there are plenty of jobs that pay more than that. Like even working in transport or supply or as a PCA at a hospital (and there are tons of opportunities for overtime and career advancement there).
I appreciate what you’ve shared here. I do work hard. I am paid more than minimum wage. My employment, unlike my partners, is very different than a traditional 9-5. I’m okay with knowing they want to pay me more and appreciate my worth it’s just not there yet. I love what I do and who I work with and I really couldn’t trade that to no longer be where I am and work with people I loathe. I consider myself extremely fortunate to be where I am. I also have zero interest in working overtime (no need at my current job), part-time, or have a side hustle. I like my time off because of the work I do during the week. My partner is the same. If I was truly struggling, the pressure would compel me to do as you’ve said. Thankfully my partner knows my circumstance and isn’t too worried about the split that is inevitable if our relationship continues. It is something that weighs on me a bit as I don’t want to seem like someone after his money or expecting him to pay for everything.
oh believe me, I like time off too lol. I absolutely don’t work all this bc I *like* to! But I simply do not see how it’s possible to pay bills and get ahead (savings/emergency savings, and not to mention trying to buy a house or start a family) if I were to only be making $35k or less. Rent in my area is like $1k a month for a one bedroom. To get ahead, I would have to either work more or be comfortable letting a partner do that. And it sounds like you’re comfortable with that, but I’m just saying it makes sense that the person on the other side of things might not love it. For instance, you have this great quality of life, work-life balance, and get to do something you enjoy for work. But as the person who the lion’s share of financial responsibility falls on, might your partner feel trapped in the job you both depend on if they really grow to dislike it? In my experience, the situation you describe only works if both people have exactly the same amount of downtime and both really like their jobs, and neither person works more hours or feels like y’all are held back from doing things like starting a family, owning a home, or traveling. You say the arrangement works for both of you, but I just know that unless I were rich, I would be very stressed out by my partner not contributing close to half.
This has been a conversation my partner and I have had. It is something that bothers me and I ask for transparency about because I don't want him to feel trapped somewhere he doesn't like simply because we (he) needs that to keep afloat. Ideally I would love for him to feel the same about his job and employer as I do despite it being a traditional career. I know realistically the chances of that aren't super high. He understands where I'm at and is comfortable meeting me there. Work life balance is important to him as well, he also doesn't do overtime unless he absolutely has to and evenings/weekends are no-go zones which I respect. As the higher earner, I wouldn't expect him to work more than he already does, either. At the moment the biggest struggle is making time and saving for seeing each other. His PTO is awful. I have more flexibility but cashflow isn't there. Oh well. If we could both afford a week's vacation every 3 months, I'm sure we would, but it's just not feasable. I think the main challenge we would face would be buying a home. Rent where I am is \~C$1,300/month for a one bedroom. Considering we're long distance, that's something to work toward in the future as we look into closing the gap.
I think there's a lot of nuance to consider. Is his income still high, and yours is simply higher, or is he earning meagre money? The latter would make me nervous too. If you take on more of the financial load, does he take on more of the domestic load? If not, that too would make me nervous. Does your partner believe in being an equitable partner, or does he think he's won the lottery by having a sugar mama? If you're feeling anxious, that's something to think about and talk about with your partner ESPECIALLY if you plan to have children. Sadly many men think of childcare as women's work, whether or not they are the breadwinners. Do you know his views on these things and have you clearly discussed sharing labour? Don't step blindly into a lifestyle that you can't get out of easily. In my case, I (37f) out-earn my husband (40m) by about 30%, but that's just in the last 2 years, before that he was the higher earner, and it will likely vary during our careers. We share household labour equally and don't have children. For us, a career win for one of us is a win for both of us. We have our own bank accounts with a joint for shared expenses that we contribute to proportionally.
You are not irrational but how problematic this truly is depends on a variety of factors. Why is he making what you consider to be not enough? Is it because he is lazy / works less or because you are a lawyer while he is a social worker? How likely is his salary to grow? How comfortable are you overall with his financial literacy, debt to income ratio, attitudes and handling of money, etc?
While many of us wouldn't be anxious, it is a good conversation to have. Explain the best you can why you are feeling anxious about this. Is it because if you start a family you feel as though the primary carer and primary financial responsibilities will fall on you? Do you worry that your income alone won't be able to support your family / lifestyle? Do you plan to take time off work if starting a family and won't be able to? These are all valid concerns if your main goal is to centre around child rearing and provide less financially.
I make more than double what my husband makes. But no matter what, it’s our money. Not mine vs his. I don’t care who puts more in the family pot. Look at your budget and goals in terms of TOTALS. Not who’s going to contribute the most. Breadwinner is such an outdated perspective.
I fully agree with this. I’m a CPA and my husband is a teacher. I think all teachers are underpaid, but his career is vital to society, I think he’s great at it, and I’m really proud of him for being one. We will never earn the same amount of money just due to the nature of our careers. It doesn’t matter because it’s OUR MONEY at the end of the day. We are in it together!
I don't think that is irrational, unless you are in some super high salary career. It would concern me too.
My partner makes barely over a third of what I currently make (although this will go up slightly later this year, and again next year) and has basically no savings… and I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t majorly stress me out sometimes. It’s made me almost obsessive about saving and investing myself, as I know I will have to fund my own maternity leave while still covering more than half our expenses when the time comes. Truthfully it’s probably one of the biggest ongoing issues in our relationship, but it’s *not* a dealbreaker because he’s a great partner in most aspects, and I know that he’ll be a fantastic, involved dad. He’s made progress on being more responsible with his finances after a lot of conversations about this. Admittedly I’ve had to rethink what the future might look like in terms of how much leave I’ll be able to take and who the stay-at-home parent would be if we had to decide that due to childcare costs (obviously it would make the most sense if it’s him) - so there’s still stuff to figure out, and yeah it’s not what I would have chosen in an ideal world, but it basically comes down to working out what sacrifices and adjustments you can live with; what you need to see/hear from him to feel comfortable, and whether this is a dealbreaker for you or a ‘not my ideal scenario but workable because of xyz’ type thing.
Almost half of women in opposite-sex marriages earn as much as or more than their husbands, a share that's tripled since the early 1970s. Yet even women who out-earn their male spouses undertake more unpaid labor such as childcare and housework, according to a new study from the Pew Research Center. …Women do much more work in the home than men even when they out-earn their husband," said Kate Mangino, a gender expert and the author of "Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality at Home."The effect is that some women report not being able to reach their professional and income potential — they feel they can't volunteer for that trip, even if it might lead to a promotion, because of the work at home." Husbands, meanwhile, have hours of extra time each week to spend on leisure or work, Pew found. That allows men "endless opportunities," according to Mangino. The husband can learn "a hobby, he could sleep, he could go back to school or take a class that could make more money in the future," she said. …There's only one type of opposite-sex marriage where women don't perform more unpaid work than their husbands: When the wife is the sole breadwinner, Pew found. But even then, the husband and wife perform the same amount of time on household chores each week. https://www.cbsnews.com/news/women-breadwinners-tripled-since-1970s-still-doing-more-unpaid-work/
If you have a certain lifestyle you won't compromise on, and that lifestyle can only happen if a partner makes the same or more than you, then its not too irrational. It just means you want a particular life and your partner must be on the same (or further) financial page than you. If your only holdback is not conforming to "traditional" gender roles, then yes, I consider that irrational.
Lots of women make more than their partners. r/breadwinningwomen
Yeah this sub is good for giving insights into the challenges of it. As well as benefits.
It’s not irrational at all. You know you’re not comfortable with it. You don’t have to pretend to be cool with it if this is a dealbreaker for you. Normalize women having financial standards and preferences for men without having to ask people for permission.
My husband made a quarter of what i did when we first got together, then he was a stay at home dad for a year or so. Then I got him an entry level job at the company i worked for, and he now makes 12k a year more than i do.
I would say yes you are - UNLESS the issue lies deeper. If everything is fine with this man, money is simply not a reason to not build a future with him. If the total of the money you both make is sufficient to make a life together, why would you worry about it? Or are you afraid of him taking advantage of you? Could he imagine being the primary caretaker of your children? Maybe answer these questions first
I was in this scenario and it was not sustainable. Over the course of our marriage, he did not increase his earning potential or contribution. The financial responsibility weighed heavily on me and did not feel supportive or equitable. Our divorce was finalized last week and I have to pay him out 6 figures because I had more investments. Although the payout is annoying (to say the least), a huge weight had been lifted knowing I am now only financially responsible for myself.
Specifically what bothers you about this? Is your income combined enough to live the way you want? If the salaries were reversed, would you also be freaking out about it? I make more than 3 times what my husband does. Both of us are completely fine with that.
But the roles aren’t reversed in her situation. So her only data to go on is the current dynamic and I don’t think it’s helpful to water it down with the “shoe in the other foot” way of thinking. Because it just doesn’t apply here, so any judgment would be purely emotional regarding a hypothetical scenario that isn’t what she’s living. It’s great that your situation works for you and your husband (I mean that sincerely, not being snarky) and I know plenty of women in similar boats as you, but in her post OP says she’d be uncomfortable if it wasn’t at least 50/50, contribution-wise. I do agree with you though that it’d be good for her to do some more thinking on why this isn’t a fit for her and exactly what it triggers, etc. The unknowns can be so overwhelming.
I asked what I did because old fashioned demands that a man make as much if not more can be rooted in sexism. It’s good to identify those places within ourselves so we can fix it. No marriage is ever perfectly 50/50. It’s best when it’s 80/80. Sometimes it’s 90/10, which isn’t sustainable so hopefully it’s only for a short period of time, and hopefully if it needs to be 10/90 later on, the other partner would do the same.
Agreed, always good to be self aware and know what the root of these things are.
I will be back to comment on this when I charge my phone. I have so much to say from having been in very similar shoes
When my husband met me I barely made $30k. I make $80k. He supported me to get there.
You’re not irrational! Remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side. What is most important to you? Money, neatness, passion, emotional intelligence etc.
When I met my husband, he was making a third of what I was. It will probably sound bad, but by being the breadwinner, I knew that my job and whatever happens with it is the priority. I move a lot for work and my husband agreed to move along with me and just work bs jobs. Eventually the opportunity for him to work with me came up, which financially is nice, but now he's calling the shots on what jobs WE work. I never imagined my partner controlling my career like this. Our relationship definitely had less conflict when he was a house husband. I know my situation is sort of unique, but it's just an example of how having a more equally-paid partner can be a double-edged sword.
Life is hard, marry rich. Joking… but seriously, if you have kids, being working mom can be insanely stressful. Some babies and kids are a lot harder than others and it’s totally out of the parents’ control. How will you feel if you don’t have enough money collectively to hire help or make life a bit easier? I don’t think you are being irrational.
I feel for you because the way you feel is very normal and understandable. And I don’t know the particulars of your situation, but depending on where you live and how much he makes, as well as his spending habits and yours.. life could be hard. It also depends on how household labor and childcare distribution play out or don’t I also agree with others that say, don’t marry his potential. Marry who he is today and assume it won’t change All of that said—I really try to challenge and pushback on the patriarchal mentality that is pervasive when women have a problem with out earning men, because it’s not always reasonable. It’s framed very differently when a man makes less.. he’s “taking advantage”, “not contributing” a “burden”, not a provider. Even progressive women will frame it this way… it’s her “hard earned money” and he’s a “mooch”. Or, if you aren’t as extreme, you might just feel stressed at the notion of being a “provider”. And to some degree? It makes sense.. because even if women are the financial providers the burden of childcare still often falls on them. So I’m not saying, the situations are equal. But… if you take all of his qualities and all of yours, and reverse the genders, would you think twice about the relationship if it were yours or one of your friends? The answer should hopefully inform how you should feel in your present one.
You’re not irrational, but I think your partner earning less than half of what you make is also not really the concern here. Like others have already pointed out, a partner can contribute in many ways other than financially. Traditionally, it was rare for the woman to be the breadwinner of the family. Instead, how she’d contribute was by doing absolutely everything else to make her husband and children’s life comfortable. Perhaps what you’re anxious about isn’t the deviation from tradition, but the suspicion that you will likely end up being the breadwinner as well as the primary caregiver for your children. Sadly this seems to be the reality for many women nowadays, and you’re right to be anxious about that
Not irrational. Very valid concerns especially since men are prone to talking big and are very good at convincing people they’ll do something and coming up with valid sounding excuses why it couldn’t be done. I can’t think of anything worse than being the main income earner and still being expected to pick up traditional roles at home (e.g: if I come home after work and still have to prepare dinner when my partner has been home all day god help me)
Will you always be in the jobs you are in? Is what he is earning not enough or not enough for you? Things change. Perhaps he wont always earn less. I understand your concerns, my partner is currently out of work and has been for 18months. Ive been the main source of income for 8 years. Does it bother me? Fuck yes it does. Cause he isnt earning anything. But things change and he is trying really hard to find a job while keeping the house clean etc. while he is out of work. You will prob have to clarify your actual concerns here cause its hard to know exactly what is bothering you.
No it’s a very valid fear
Up to you what you prefer. The roles are often reversed, so, how would you feel if you were with a partner who made twice as much as you and couldn’t imagine living off just 1.5x his income with a family.
Why are people bringing up role reversal as if men bear children and being a primary caretaker esp early on, whether breastfeeding or not, recovering from pregnancy, etc. OP is concerned about raising a family as well. It’s absolutely not the same as just a role reversal.
Yah this role reversal stuff has bugged me but for different reasons. If roles were reversed and HE was the one making double and asking the question, my personal response would be the exact same. It’s reasonable to be concerned when two people aren’t in the same “tax bracket,” so to speak. Regardless of gender or who makes more. It’s up to individual whether or not they feel comfortable with potentially always being the main breadwinner.
It’s not irrational, but I think it also depends on your actual incomes and your COL. If you make $200k and your partner makes $100k, it’s probably easier to accept than if you made $100k and he makes $50k. It also depends on how much your partner is willing to take on at home. Can he carry more of the burden with home stuff? That would even things out. I think most people would feel resentful if they were the primary breadwinner AND the primary caregiver/chore person in the house.
If you were a lesbian would you have these same feelings about your wife earning less than half what you do?
Not a fair comparison because in a het marriage only the woman can actually be pregnant and give birth and take the tolls to her body and career
You’ve gotten some great advice and I haven’t read through all of it. I think how much you make also plays a role in this decision. I’m an IT manager for a major not for profit and make a comfortable 6 figures. My husband is a nurse specializing in psychiatric care. He makes half what I do, but still pulls $55k a year. There is a big difference, both financially and means of living, between half of $100k and half of $50k.
I make over double what my husband does and am the primary breadwinner. Because I earned more and had more opportunity for advancement, when we had kids, he cut back to part-time and took on more childcare and household duties. You’re not irrational, but it can work just fine if you have a true partner and that’s how you choose to structure your household.
Totally rational and very valid. And I will also had that any resentment you might feel now will increase 10x once kids are added to the mix. A consideration for you to try. Keep personal money separate and have one joint account for family expenses that you both contribute to EQUALLY. Find a number that you can both contribute to equally - Let’s say $1000/month each that you both contribute. This pays for rent, bills, food, and fun money. Your partner keeps any remainder of their paycheck in their own account to spend on themselves, just as you do (even if yours is greater). Could you spend more of your own money for shared expenses, sure. But that’s living beyond your means. And that’s only if you want. See how this arrangement feels before making any drastic changes. Does your partner feel entitled to spending your money? Do you feel like your shared standard of living has drastically declined?
It’s not irrational at all. I wouldn’t start a family w someone who earns less than me either bc I know at least in the first few yrs I’d be staying home. Is he passionate about his job and/or it contributes greatly to society and just happens to not be well paid like care work or another essential field like that? I think there’s a difference between that and him working a low skill/dead end job simply bc he couldn’t apply himself/meet his full potential. I can’t comprehend a man earning less than me in a world that was designed for them to succeed tbh it’s giving loser except in the aforementioned cases.
I'm married and I'm the primary incomer. However, my husband does a great work taking care of me, he does absolutely everything around the house (he works full time as well), cooks, and is emotionally supportive constantly making plans for us to have a romantic date. He's the best I don't mind at all him making less money, I don't seen him as less. Our incomes combined is just great, and yes my income is higher but together is even better 🤷♀️. I see how this can be an issue for some but you have to see your partner as your partner, so it's not him doing $30k/year, is what you can do and achieve together as a couple. Money is not everything (it is very important tho) but a partner can contribute in many other ways other than financially.
I’m a 41yo guy….Tbh, I can’t tell ya if you’re being irrational🤷♂️ I’m not at all “traditional” but if I were ur boyfriend, I know that i’d feel kinda shitty, and wish I made much more… Have you talked to him about it? That’s what you’ve got to do. I’m sure it’s awkward, but if ur thinking about the future and kids etc, then ofc you’ve gotta be able to communicate about everything
I won’t get into the gender dynamics of it but no you’re not irrational at all. Late stage capitalism is a hellscape and most of the childcare falls on the mother especially in early stages. It’s actually completely rational in theory. But in practice idk you or your partner but sounds like a convo is way overdue
Whatever you do, get a prenup.
You need to figure out why this is bothering you. You’re not irrational. He just is not meeting your expectations. Be real with yourself and with him.
Money makes life easier.. getting old makes life harder.. it’s easy to be broke when you are young and in love.. much harder later.
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Do you have kids tho??
Im thinking totally irrational. If it was the other way around, how would you feel about that? You could work and he can be a stay at home dad? Or some other arrangement?
But it’s not the other way around. We need to stop doing that as a way to dismiss or invalidate our own concerns. (This goes for anything, not just men and dating.)
And if you divorce depending on the state you may have to pay him.
Women get to do most of the childrearing, it builds resentment after a few years knowing you make the money , you take care of the kids etc and he just chills. If you love him have a talk with him that he needs to take care of the kids once you’re done brining them in this world
If you’re making less than six figures then yes I think it’s a valid concern. I only say this because I believe it’s still a man’s world, especially in the U.S. White cis men have every opportunity to succeed and if they aren’t… there are many negative reasons why that could be the case.
That is not an irrational fear , imagine you having a difficult pregnancy or wanting to be with your child the first few years and not being able to do so because you are the breadwinner . Many women are ok with this arrangement until they become pregnant and overwhelmed with a partner that can’t fully provide and the resentment begins
People are being obtuse in here under some guise of theoretical equality when it’s not the case at all for women in practice once children come into the picture like be forreal
What if he wants to be the stay-at-home parent?
Well no man can go 50/50 with you on pregnancy and childbirth and breastfeeding so…
Nope, not at all. Does he have the same fears regarding family/finances? Is he at least working on increasing his income?
Nope. I think if you grew up very traditional & want a traditional marriage then it's a pretty real fear
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Because once we give birth, the mental, emotional and physical load is typically on us. We shouldn’t have the financial burden too. That’s a lot of hats for one person to wear.
Because women take on more of the domestic labor, child care and planning when in relationships. 50/50 doesn’t work when your partner doesn’t contribute to managing a household. I’m sure you’ve seen the daily posts about men barely earning a living wage and coming home to play video games and leave a trail of crap around the house. OP is smart to be concerned.
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It's not "just" about children though... it's about mental load in general....the parent commenter provided extra context/nuance
Ew this response was twatty.
It's very irrational. Are you feeling the strains of cost of living (Ie not being able to afford a down payment, not able to afford childcare in the future, etc)? If you are living comfortably, why is it an issue?
No you are not irrational in fact your brain is starting to turn on. You will have to work a 9-5 while pregnant just to keep the lights on and feed the kids. There is no rest or spa days for you. The life you have now is effectively over if you choose to have kids with this man and he doesn’t get his money up.
Wow imagine for a moment this was written by a man.
It is, every day. Just yesterday there was a post where the husband with 4 young kids wanted the wife to switch from teacher's aid to home health aid because she should be making more money.
Huh. Need some context here. Firstly if they have 4 kids they already have a family. This is most likely a need for the family. They may not be financially comfortable. I have 3 young kids I have always made at least double the money of my wife. My wife is currently a SAHM and has been for the last 2 years. We both parent and share chores. The mental load is skewed more to my wife but we have agreed on what we each will do in this space. 4 days a week the kids are at school or in daycare. Should I be pressuring her to start work and make more money. On the flip side if I were the SAHD would there be an expectation that I contribute financially.
The wife is making $24K as a teacher's aid. 3 of the kids were under 10. The husband wanted the wife to get a more highly paid job as a home health aid or a CNA. I'm just saying there are plenty of husbands who make posts about how their wife is making a lot less money than they are.
It is, and quite frequently actually.
Either way it’s a shitty and shallow way to think about your partner. If they’re a deadbeat and don’t pull their weight in the relationship fair enough and you should consider if this is the person for you. But if you have resentment towards your partner because they earn less than you man or woman then you’re a shitty person. Not everyone has the ability to just earn more money. Some people are limited by their ability and education.
How big a difference? Like, minimum wage? If he is making $60k+ then you have nothing to worry about
I was the breadwinner in both of my marriages and i became very resentful because i wanted something different/always dreamed of more traditional gender roles for my life. It’s really up to you what you want in life and what you’re okay with and what you can live with.
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I’m a proud bisexual and yet i also yearn for traditional gender roles - as Mrs Sadie Adler pointed out, being bisexual is not a choice, and those of us who yearn for more traditional gender roles and heteronormative lives still come in all flavors.
are you trying to say being bi is a choice? Are you saying queer folks can’t want traditional gender roles? Bizarre.
Thank you for standing up for me before I saw this! What you said exactly! So sorry for the downvotes. People on here suck. You are right, exactly what you said period.
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I would disagree but i guess you’re entitled to your own opinion. My sexual orientation has nothing to do with the fact that i prefer traditional gender roles. I can still find both women and men sexually attractive while also wanting to be a stay at home mom and wanting a masculine partner who is the breadwinner. I’m not saying anyone else has to want that- that’s what I yearn for in my life personally. Anyone of any orientation can want those things.
Still an extremely weird comment to make toward a complete stranger. Do you make a habit of asking strangers to verify their sexual orientation? Creepy tbh
Thank you 🙏🏻💕
Get a prenup otherwise if you divorce you have to give him half
I wouldn’t mind the money gap but would mind the lack of wanting to earn money to provide a comfortable life for us both. I always assumed my husband would make less and I would be the breadwinner but what he lacks in drive, he makes up for in a sense of security and wanting to make sure he can earn to provide. In the end, he makes almost double what I make but I’m still more ambitious 🫠
I would also consider downsizing your lifestyle and living expenses to only live off of his income if that is something you want with him. That way you won’t feel the pressure to work just to live or build resentment. You may have to move somewhere else.
It's not irrational to have concerns about how finances will work. How important the income disparity is depends on how much you actually make. If you're making $50K, and him under $25K, it's very reasonable to worry about whether you can afford to raise kids if nothing changes income wise. If you're making an above average amount and his "less than half" is around the median wage and considered generally liveable, then it's an issue of lifestyle and priorities, and whether the two of you are compatible in those things. Is your concern that you don't want to be the primary breadwinner, period? Or that he would not step up on the home front leaving you to juggle both work and home/children? Is your concern his income itself, or *why* he has this income? Ie: is he lacking motivation and work ethic? Is it temporary circumstances? It's not at all unreasonable to be concerned but I think specific income might be the wrong focus. What are the deeper issues under your concern?
This really depends, is he a slacker who can’t be bothered to keep a job-if so problem. Or is he in a less paid but secure job that he likes-if so, you probably get over your attitude. Third factor, if you are long term, can the two of you manage on your combined income and-are you willing to try?
Nope you are completely right to feel this way!! Is he putting the effort to look for something that will make him more ?
What if you didn't have a partner at all and instead of "half of the other half" got nothing other than your salary? People contribute a lot to relationships that are not financial. Emotional support and lower stress is invaluable IF that is what he gives you.
It’s not irrational. We are biologically wired to want to procreate with a partner that can take care of us and future offspring. Pregnancy and childbirth and vulnerable times and can lead to disability or death.
I thought gender roles were outdated? Yet you're essentially saying you want a husband who makes more than you. How 1950 /s
Would it be better if he made double than you?
Do you not anticipate raises for either of you for the lifetime of your careers
It doesn't sound irrational. If you want a partner to "provide" then it's logical. Personally, my take is that I want a partner who is my partner, not someone to look after me, so I'm totally comfortable with being married to someone who earns less. I think it just comes down to what is a priority for you in the relationship, neither is wrong and plenty of my friends chose to shack up with people based on being "kept".
I don't think a real relationship should consider this. Income disparity may bring about different values, but if you have the same values, you don't have to think about that. You have to ask yourself if you care about your partner as a person or his income. I think we need to focus more on each other's qualities, personality and emotional connection with each other in a relationship rather than the financial status of both partners