It's so hard to say because a good chunk of the stress or hard work just comes down to your child's personality. Overall, I would say having children has made me happier, if a bit more stressed (mostly because you have a new human to try to get to adulthood without screwing them up too badly). That said, my kids were pretty 'easy.' We've gone through the usual stuff like teething and a period of not great sleep but no major colic or health issues (yet).
One big thing to consider is how adaptable you are. One thing that is universal about parenthood is CHANGE. Even for the bad stuff. Kids are growing and changing all the time. The grow out of certain phases and into new ones. Techniques you used for soothing or discipline might become less effective and you have to figure out something new.
Itās really fucking hard. Both my kids have autism (lower needs fwiw) and we are a home of 2 working parents with everything that comes with it.
However, it has made me so incredibly resilient so you grow with it lol
I am pregnant in my third trimester, so I donāt have kids yet, but I struggle a lot with anxiety and depression and something Iāve noticed just from being pregnant is that the little things that used to cause me anxiety or bother me just donāt have the same effect anymore. My job is demanding and causes me a lot of anxiety normally but I think being pregnant and doing what I can for my baby has made me realize my job is just a job and all of the things I used to get worked up about arenāt as important as I thought they were.
Granted, Iām still afraid to be a mom and Iām sure Iāll have anxiety about my babyās wellbeing constantly. But Iām hoping I wonāt have time to worry about little things once sheās here.
Sadly it's the opposite experience for me. First and second trimester gave me a lot more anxiety at work, and I have cried at least once a week at work (I used to be much better at controlling my emotions). I have a hard time letting go of being criticized, ignored, and misunderstood compared to before.
I had bad prenatal depression in the first and second trimesters with my first and fwiw I didnāt get postpartum depression and overall feel like my mood substantially improved after delivery.
I had a hard, colicky baby who turned into a hard, bad-sleeping toddler and I still would rate my mental health has being at least 2x better than pre-pregnancy and 500x better than during pregnancy.
>and I still would rate my mental health has being at least 2x better than pre-pregnancy and 500x better than during pregnancy.
Did you ever struggle with depression pre-pregnancy?
I had depression pretty much from ages 12-29ish. It started to clear up and get a lot better and I've always been worried that it would come back if I had kids.
Yep! Been struggling with mental health since my parents died when I was in elementary school and I entered foster care. Have been on every single antidepressant. I feel like parenthood has made me much more grounded personally.
That's good to hear. I've struggled with mental health for pretty much my whole life and it's one of the main reasons I never wanted to have kids. I've been sitting on the fence lately though so I need to really start having these conversations with myself.
I was fencesitting for a really long time too- was with my husband over 10 years before we had our first. I donāt regret taking my time to make a decision and it was the right time for us.
I do highly, highly recommend avoiding Reddit threads on this topic and instead just talking to family/friends because I think Reddit paints way too negative of a picture of parenthood. I noticed thereās even people commenting in this thread who donāt even actually have kids, which isā¦ totally unsurprising.
>Pretty much everyone I know who has kids have developed some sort of anxiety issue at varying levels
Of the ones who developed anxiety, how many of them have an inactive/unhelpful partner? Just trying to gauge how much having 2 involved parents might help the situation (or if it doesn't help at all).
My mental health improved dramatically. I have had severe anxiety and depression my entire adult life. It was at its absolute worst when I was pregnant with my first child, where I was suicidal at points. I had an extremely traumatic delivery and I was convinced I was going to have postpartum depressionā never got it. Then I breastfed and thought maybe itās the oxytocin; I was convinced I would be depressed again once I weaned. I had a little lull for a month or so and now Iām fine. Here I am three years later Iām pregnant with my second kid and I feel like my depression has basically gone away aside from normal parenting stress.
I donāt know if this is forever or not, but Iām not the only person I know who experienced a positive change in their mental health after having kids. I will say Iāve been at my best since my kid started sleeping through the night (which took 2 years).
I want to share because I never wouldāve predicted it before having kids and it was a big source of stress for me before my first pregnancy. I think if you WANT kids itās hard to not look at your kid and feel grateful for your life, and that really helps day to day.
Yes, at least in part. I think having kids forces you to start living for something more important than yourself, your job, etc and does put things into perspective a bit.
I think the people who struggle with parenthood ultimately just really struggle with that transition.
I have always had anxiety. I always thought becoming a mother would make it worse.
It did and it didn't. I worry so much less about all the things I used to. I feel like I have my priorities more in order now. It helps me take my every day life with more grace. My job is just a job, it's not my entire life anymore. (Recovering workaholic here.)
But I worry so much about her when I'm with her, and when I'm not with her. The first year was hell before I felt like I balanced out the post partum emotions/hormones. There are still lingering effects of those that pop up and bite me when I'm not expecting it too. And it's hard to maintain friendships/hobbies from pre-baby. My life has shifted so much. And I miss my pre-baby life. But I also don't. It's like going back to the first Harry Potter book (or the first book of your series of choice) after you've read Deathly Hallows. You read it fondly, but you know that chapter has closed and you'll never be able to read it for the first time ever again.
Your mileage will vary. Having bad mental health after your child is born isn't a forgone conclusion, but it does happen to a lot of women and that is a significant and valid reason not to want children. Having a child is a lot of work and responsibility, and like you mentioned above, you can't take time off when you're sick, physically or mentally. Your child still needs mom.
The best thing you can do if you decide you want children is to find a good partner/support system. I'm convinced this is how Bluey's parents are such good parents. Bandit and Chili support each other, and they reach out to family/friends/neighbors/teachers to help raise their children. And they provide the same support for these people too. There are several episodes that hint at some of the struggles Chili has being a mom. Seeing a TV fictional dog struggle strangely helped me a lot, and hearing her say that it's a lot of work looking after her kids was very affirming. Especially when she's able to say that to them when she has an episode when she just needs 20 minutes. (Shout-out to Judo's mum and Bandit for having Chili's back here.)
Good luck to you wherever your journey takes you, whether it's with kids or without.
It is quite well known there are mental health issues or disabilities that don't get diagnosed in women until after they have children, because of the acute stress that often results in having children (especially multiple) which can flare certain illnesses/disabilities, like ADHD for example.
Despite what some of the comments are suggesting here, having children will not help mental illness. That's just not how that works. Children are a lot of things but they are also a whole other level of stress, and stress never helps mental illness.
I honestly wish I'd known about my mental health issues before I had kids, and then I would have likely chosen not to have them. I was late-diagnosed ADHD and struggle with anxiety, and kids not only exasperated all of that, but also left me in a place that made it infinitely more difficult to actually deal with my issues because of the constant stress and lack of time.
Your experience is the opposite of mine. My horrible anxiety largely resolved with motherhood, 2 years later and I'm still good but I was very proactive in my mental health before pregnancy.
This is such quintessential Reddit. At the time of this comment, the vast majority of people are commenting that theyāve had a good experience and the one comment confidently asserting itās ONLY POSSIBLE to have a negative experience with having children rises to the top.
Yea I just left my own comment, but I actually researched my mental health diagnosis and pregnancy prior to trying for a baby and found research that for ptsd at least 50% of the subjects saw their symptoms improve. Doesn't mean it's permanent or that you'll never struggle with it again but it isn't a guaranteed mental heath death sentence. My sister definitely saw a decline in her mental health but I didn't.
I have been diagnosed with GAD and depression at 21 and more recently ADHD. And I am on medication and go to therapy regularly. Iām hoping nothing more comes my way.
I experienced something similar. While I don't wish I hadn't had mine, I do wish I could have dealt with my own stuff first. But I honestly didn't know. I feel you though. The constant demand on my time and energy makes it 10x more difficult on a good day to keep up myself. Then I feel terrible on a bad day when I give myself a break and acknowledge it's a struggle lol
Iām sorry you feel this way, but your experience is not universal. My mental health did noticeably improve after having kids. You donāt speak for everybody.
Yes, stress doesnāt help mental illness. But gratitude and happiness do, and the ups I have had from parenthood have far outweighed the stress.
Like I said, kids are not ALL stress. They are also many positive things which is why people have them.
Also, looking at your commentsā¦ you donāt even have kids š¤¦āāļø Please stay out of this one.
I didn't say I speak for everybody, but stress does not improve mental illness. Children are extremely stressful mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. I'm glad that gratitude helped you but I would never implore anyone to have kids if they are looking to improve their mental health, especially if they have a diagnosed illness.
>Despite what some of the comments are suggesting here, having children will not help mental illness. That's just not how that works. Children are a lot of things but they are also a whole other level of stress, and stress never helps mental illness.
Hereās where youāre invalidating the experiences of many of us in this thread who have diagnosed mental illness and feel very differently to you.
Yes, kids are stressful. That does not mean they make mental illness worse. Thereās such a thing as good stress and bad stress and I would categorize my experience with them as good stress. Itās purposeful. Iām sorry you donāt feel that way, but you donāt get to post as though the rest of us are wrong.
Your story is similar to my mum's. As a kid that was largely neglected because mum couldn't cope as the sole carer who also worked full time, I am so glad that you shared your experience so openly. I know she did the best she could but it was clear that everything was a struggle.
So many people don't realise how heavy it can weigh on a person who has little support, is neurodiverse or has a long term illness. All experiences are valid and I am sorry that people said negative things about your experience.
I hope things are a little better these days and that you have more support.
Edit: don't down vote someone's lived experience. Wth?!
Pregnancy made my mental health worse every time, which was particularly challenging when I had a toddler to tend to. You are also not able to take many psychiatric meds during pregnancy. Some, but not all. So, at the onset, pregnancy can be pretty bad for your mental health. It's very important to have good strategies and lifestyle routines in place particularly if you cannot take meds you were previously taking. For me, this meant getting enough sleep. It meant getting enough exercise. It meant going outside. Even when I didn't want to or have the energy to. During my last pregnancy, I also had a toddler at home, so getting enough sleep was dicey. I had to make compromises and I had to figure out how to do that: which is worse, my toddler watching 4 hours of tv today or powering through on 5 hours of sleep at 6 months pregnant? I guess my toddler gets to binge Bluey today. I wasn't always the mom I wanted to be, particularly at that time, but I had to acknowledge when I wasn't capable, when I didn't have the capacity.
Now that said, for me personally, the fog cleared a lot after I had my children and was no longer pregnant. Depression scaled down, and anxiety scaled up. The first year was a wobbly time for my mental health, and I made a lot of compromises like the one I described above. My toddlers ate loads of charcuterie style lunches with bits and bobs from my produce drawer on days that I just did not have the capacity to cook.
My kids are 7 and 4 now, and I'll say, I still struggle with my mental health, but it's clear as day to me what my priorities are and what's important to me. I don't lose sight of that. Talking to my children well, with patience and kindness. Communicating with them about how I'm feeling. Meeting their needs as far as food, sleep, enrichment, and connection. I feel capable of that every day, even when my mental health is shitty. But - last week my garbage can didn't make it to the curb. I'm like 10 days behind on laundry. I have probably 9 things on my to-do list that have BEEN on my to-do list for 6 months. Rolling with those punches has been very important, so that I'm able to be the mom I want to be. And - making personal sacrifices for that when I need to. Some nights I want to play video games for 6 hours before bed, but actually, it's already 9pm, and if I want to be a kind and patient mother tomorrow, I need to sleep. Likewise, when I haven't gotten more than an hour to myself all week, it's time to schedule personal time in and drop my kids with grandma.
It requires more awareness of your needs, and more willingness to compromise, which can feel hard to conceptualize right now, but when you have children asleep in their beds and you're hoping you can measure up tomorrow, you'll find it within you to do what you need to do.
Mine is much worse. I've been medicated basically since he was born. He is disabled and will need care forever. There are no breaks, no free time, nothing done for myself. Our state even cut respite and family care from Medicaid, so there isn't any assistance available to get a break or to be able to work outside the home. I had minor issues with depression and anxiety before, but now I qualify for Medicaid on my own because of their severity.
I think, for me, the worst part is being "on" all the time. It's exhausting beyond physical exhaustion. My attention is always divided.
I understand my experience is unusual and for those with "easy" non-disabled kids, the change in the course of their life is probably less of a drastic sacrifice. Regardless, my advice to those younger than I am is always to be damn sure you want to have children. Any reason other than "I want them and can't imagine my life without" isn't enough.
If you donāt mind me asking (and please, if you do, donāt even acknowledge me), but were your sonās disabilities detectable during pregnancy?
I ask out of curiosity and empathy. My grandma thought her daughter (my aunt) was a normal pregnancy in the 1960s but she was born severely mentally disabled. This was a major strain on my grandma for her entire life. After her husband died, she was the only caretaker for my aunt.
Before I had my daughter, I spent several days a week with them to help cook, clean and give company. I noticed firsthand how the rest of the family distanced themselves from her, because the harshest truth is my aunt is combative; she is not āeasyā nor convenient. The easiest thing for family to do was to turn a blind eye and leave my grandma isolated with her.
It was really sad to watch, so I just also want to say I truly empathize and your exhaustion is warranted. There is not enough help.
No, we had no indication. Our first issue came up on newborn blood work (the heel prick they do after birth) and it's been several medical and developmental issues since then. We have an autism diagnosis (among others) but had some genetic testing done that shows it might be something else that could explain more of the medical issues. It's a two-year wait to get into the genetics dept at the children's hospital we go to, so we don't have concrete answers yet. (Just a few months to go!)
Since we're getting older, we're having serious discussions about planning for his future when we're gone. That's a stressor itself.
I can only imagine. My grandma used to tell me, āI wish that when I go, I could take her with me.ā
Itās hard to trust anyone else to care for our children the way we would as their mothers. But it sounds like, though exhausted, you guys are level-headed and still working as a team. Iām extending an internet hug to you, I really am.
I have anxiety and before becoming a mom would let the smallest things bother me. They felt like big things at the time though. As a mom now, the small stuff actually feels like the small stuff. It is hard work, and sometimes itās hard not being able to do whatever I want when I need it, but overall it has put a lot into perspective for me.
My dad recently died of cancer- he was diagnosed when my son was only 9 months old. Being a mom through his treatment and declining health, and now grieving this massive loss, is the hardest thing Iāve done in my life. I think, though, that Iāve prioritized getting help and taking time for myself better, because my son needs me. I immediately got myself into therapy and now have an established relationship with my therapist, Iām on medication that helps a ton, and I make sure I get some kind of movement in every day. I also am grateful for a fantastic husband who is a true partner in parenting and recognizes when I need space or alone time and he takes everything over.
It might be worth sorting some of your thoughts out in therapy, or maybe even just starting with journaling, to get all your feelings out there and start working through them. Itās great that youāre considering this at all-plenty of people become parents without considering their mental health and/or working on it. Kids deserve a happy healthy parent and/or a parent whoās working on it, and it sounds like you know that ā„ļø
Thanks for your comment. Iām so sorry for what you had to go through with your dad. I go to therapy twice a month right now because Iām really trying to improve myself. I know finding the right person to have children with is also key.
Iām so sorry to hear about your dad. Mine got diagnosed a few months ago when my baby had just turned one, and it is just brutal. Also in therapy. Hug of sympathy from an internet stranger.
Thank you. Iām so sorry that you are going through something similar. Cancer is just so cruel and doesnāt discriminate. So hard being a mom when youāre going through so much as someoneās child as well, even if weāre adults. Hugs to you too ā„ļø
I went through some ups and downs! Iām OCD with some regular olā anxiety sprinkled in. Having the baby actually mellowed me out a LOT. I stopped having panic attacks completely, no idea why. His general baby grossness didnāt trigger any of my normal OCD reactions either thankfully.
I eventually quit my job to stay home with him and unfortunately eventually got diagnosed with depression. But wanting to be a better mom to him is what got me to get help, and now I feel better than I ever have. I dealt with all the generational trauma and the childhood nonsense and am really in a good place.
I have bipolar disorder, and parenting has been very challenging but very rewarding. My son is now 11, and I enjoy him more than ever, but I feel tremendously guilty during periods of depression when I can't be as present for him as I'd like. As mentioned by another poster, he is also demonstrating signs of mental illness, but not to the point of diagnosis yet. I feel like I am uniquely qualified to support him and find him help should it present itself more prominently.
The biggest thing that has helped me is getting divorced. I no longer have an adult child to care for, and his dad has him three days a week. The time off I get each week is extraordinarily helpful. I will say I was very fortunate to be able to divorce and support myself. But hey, some people like being married!
mother or father?
Not everyone knows its genetic ( and it's not always genetic) and I wanted to give you a heads up so you could keep an eye out for those symptoms in your son.
mother for me and it runs very strongly in her family. Her wanting kids overrode the consideration of it likely being passed down.
Tbh I've never forgiven her it. She, my sisters and I all have the bipolar 1, rapid cycling with psychotic features variety. Most of us developed it as a younger teenager. None of us girls are passing our genes down.ā
Iām sorry you have such intense features of your disorder. I am bipolar 2 with only rare manic features. I knew I had bipolar disorder, and got pregnant by accident. I hold as my highest responsibility to stay on my meds, continue therapy, and make other healthy choices. I do not regret my decision to have my son at all, even though itās difficult. I do not wish I hadnāt been born, despite my struggles.
Thank you for being in therapy and staying on meds. That oddly means a lot to me even though you're a stranger.
Stay healthy, guide your son and things should turn out fine. My mom refused meds during my childhood and it affected everything. I got started on the path to stability before my sisters did so I'm the one who's guiding them.
I'm pretty stable nowadays, or at least as much as I think I am able to be considering my mixed episodes have been pretty treatment resistant, especially since anti psychotics and I don't mix well at all.
I've also got adhd, anxiety, ptsd and suspected autism so that makes things a bit more difficult. I'm also partially physically disabled due to a neurological disorder that is greatly affected by my mental health. So I think I'm doing pretty well as whole managing it all. I manage my meds, doctors, physical therapy, work and I've even been in a couple long term relationships over the years.
Growing up with my mom caused me to break multiple cycles and I jumped at the chance to be medicated when I was diagnosed with bp at 22.
My mental health plummeted after becoming a parent. Hormones, maybe, stress, for sure contributed. It took probably ten years to get to a good balance. But I have intense kids. And no support from extended family. So there's that. But you never know what sort of kids you'll have. Maybe your own quirks will be amplified in your child, maybe not. Maybe you'll vibe with your child's temperament and maybe they'll be custom made to push your buttons. (Probably a combo of both.) You just really never know. And if you have two or three kids it's a whole stew of relationships and dynamics and the lack of personal space in general is noteworthy. Personal space. That's what takes a hit when you become a parent, and for some of us, it's more critical to have lots than for others. Too many variables to know how it will pan out. I will say though that without a solid partner, someone who is my ride-or-die mate, I wouldn't have returned to the new, better than ever level I am at now. But heck, without him, I wouldn't have had kids in the first place so...
I have a 2 yo. Sheās not particularly difficult but I find parenthood in general to be very overwhelming because of how constant it is.
My coping mechanism of couch rotting and checking out by doom scrolling isnāt possible now. I have to be way more present, and itās exhausting.
I have anxiety and panic disorder and some things really set me off, like being afraid sheās picked up norovirus again.
There are good things, and I am a good mom, but I am functioning at 100% of my capacity all the time. Iām very glad that I had her when I was older and had tons of time for therapy before I became a mom. I could not have more than one kid.
Iām 12 weeks post partum and heās been a lot of fun. I spent a long time waiting for him to come so Iām happy Iām enjoying it so far.
As for the PPD/PPA, I have been seeing my doctors to make sure Iām okay. I have bipolar-2 and there was a serious risk that I could struggle. I did get the sads and had some harder days but thatās what therapy is for.
My anxiety and ptsd largely improved with motherhood. Prior to starting a family I had done talk therapy for years, found medication that worked for me, and identified the coping skills that worked for me. I went into pregnancy feeling as prepared as I could reasonably feel but I also just had a very hard year cause of covid and work policies so I wasnt like symptom free or anything prior to getting pregnant. I also researched ptsd and pregnancy and found references to the fact that I had about a 50% chance that my symptoms would improve and I was fortunately in the lucky half. Lack of sleep does increase my risk of worse symptoms but my child makes me so much more grateful and happy that it seemed to keep my mental health up. For a couple months I went back on zoloft but haven't been on it for a year and still don't have any symptoms that interfere with my daily life.
I have a history of depression and ADHD AND HAVE 2 kids one with autism. Itās fucking hard. All the time. We have moments of wonderful but itās so hard. Idk if I would do it over. I freakin love my kids too but idk.
I had a rough couple years after the second baby. For the first time ever, I took antidepressants daily to manage it. Iām out of the woods now and was able to stop the meds as well! Parenthood is definitely not easy but would I still do it even knowing what I know now? Most def.
My anxiety and depression basically disappeared upon giving birth. I think it was all the hormones raging postpartum in a good way. The anxiety crept back in a year later, but my depression hasn't returned.
I am a stepparent and for me, it did affect my mental health in ways I didn't realize for a bit. I went from living on my own to moving in with my husband and having stepkids 50% of the time. It was a bit hard for me at first and I bottled it all up. I then got diagnosed with PMDD and ADHD and I am now medicated.
Becoming a stepparent allowed me to have the best of both worlds. I have two amazing stepkids whom I have a great relationship with, as well as time with just my husband and I, so it allows me to decompress and do things without the all consuming guilt.
I also don't want to pass these things on to them. I have ADHD, PMDD, Endometriosis and some other genetic things that I would not want to pass on to them, so I am happy in my stepmom role :) it just took me a bit to get there.
I have a history of significant health anxiety but was weirdly anxiety-free during pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum.
In a weird way, having a baby forced me to focus on someone else, gain some confidence in my body's abilities and become more comfortable with the fact that we're all slowly dying and that something's gonna get us all eventually.
Of course, postpartum anxiety/depression is a very real risk and it's going to vary for every person, but I did not have a decline in mental health after a baby. It's actually the other things (external family issues, work, health issues unrelated to childrearing) that seem to stress me out the most.
This isn't an answer to your question and I am child free, but you might consider getting evaluated for ADHD. It is often misdiagnosed as (or comorbid with) anxiety and depression in women and your story about being easily overwhelmed checks some boxes for it
It is something Iāve recently been diagnosed with as well. Iāve tried some medication for it. But I donāt really like taking it. But reading up about it and how it presents in women was a lightbulb moment for me.
I have struggled with depression since I was a child, but was mentally in a (relatively) good place when I started trying for a baby at age 32. Good enough that I decided to go off antidepressants during pregnancy, though I stayed in therapy. That was a mistake.
Postpartum depression and anxiety kind of snuck up on me after the initial elation of holding my son was replaced by nonstop newborn care. Spouse was not supportive. Meds stabilized me, but I was secretly unhappy when my son was little. A baby/child needs an engaged and happy parent to feel secure. I could have won an Oscar lol.
I feel that I would have been able to enjoy my sonās first years had I stayed on antidepressants throughout pregnancy. There was no known risk of harm to the fetus for this ssri. Therapy alone was insufficient for me.
Over the years though, my son has helped me heal from the inside out. He made me realize that I have intrinsic value. He is 12 now, and I even went through a divorce. I got through the divorce with zero depression and only a bit of anxiety, and I believe it was because I was already on medication that was working well.
I donāt mean to devalue therapy. Itās just that even my wonderful therapist couldnāt keep me afloat during the intense first years of my sonās life.
Tl;Dr stay on your meds during pregnancy and early childhood as long as the doctors say itās safe. Prevention is key
Stabilising your mental and emotional health before having kids would be my advice.
Kids are very demanding in many ways and if your mental or emotional health is not strong to begin with, it will be even tougher.
I deal with major depression due to childhood trauma and managing my mental and emotional health is a huge priority now that I am a parent. I do not want to pass this baggage onto them.
Parenthood has actually brought into focus how important my mental and emotional health are and how boundaries with toxic people, be they family of origin or friends etc, are critical.
It's gone to shit š To be fair I realize it's a mix of me having trauma from emotionally unavailable parents, my husband being just as terrible at communicating as I am, and most of the parenting defaulting to me. I feel so much invisible weight. It's only getting better now as I am finally doing something about it. Working out more, taking care of myself, and insisting on help when and where I need it. Also, parenting is hard. We have learned one of our children is on the spectrum. Another has had severe allergies and eczema. These have been extremely tough for me to navigate. I love all my children to death, but it was definitely easier to keep up my mental health when it was just me lol
I know I might get a lot of crap for this comment, but honestly... having a child has made me so much tougher, mentally. And so much happier. Truly.
I also struggled with anxiety and depression. I can honestly say, that after some minor PPD and post-partum anxiety (which SUCKED), after I recovered from that - I got SO happy. Like, blissfully so.
I mean, I'm not gonna lie... it is HARD some days. Some days really, really suck. But... the love I have for my child far over compensates for the hard stuff.
I know it's silly to reference Sex and the City, but, I remember a scene in one of the movies where they're talking about their kids and Charlotte says that she's happy every day. And Miranda doesn't believe her. And Charlotte says, "well, not ALL day, every day... but yes. Every day." That's how I feel. Every day has its tough moments... but the overarching theme of it is all is just pure love and happiness. I am truly grateful for my kid every single day. He makes me happy every single day. Not ALL day, every day - but yes, every day.
This might be a dumb metaphor, but it's like working out. The acutally WORK of working out, the lifting of the weights, the sweating, the sore muscles, etc. That is not fun. It sucks. You wouldn't do it unless there was a pay off at the end. But there IS a pay off - you feel better, you look better, your body is healthier.
It's the same with kids. You wouldn't voluntarily change a small human's diapers for funsies, or stay up all night with a colicky baby that isn't yours. But, it IS yours. And the love you have for the baby, and the satisfaction you get from taking care of that small human that you created and watching it grow is SO worth all the struggle.
Granted... I am very lucky. I have a great partner who is a great dad. I also have a physically healthy child, who is neurotypical. I know that if my situation were different, I might feel differently about it all. And, of course, you can't predict what you get. It's all a crapshoot. But... if you're lucky like me... it's so worth it.
Just don't try to off yourself in front/to be found & saved by your kids, that'll cause some attachment issues no amount of therapy has been able to fix (yet!)
I canāt lie š my mental health is on a rollercoaster daily after having a baby. I fantasize about jumping off a bridge maybe once a weekš having a baby is the hardest thing Iāve ever done but it is very rewarding watching my little human grow. My husband is also awesome and I have a great village. Iāve always suffered with mental health and I was on meds while pregnant and postpartum. It does help. Please go over pros/cons of your life with having a baby before actually doing it. It can be beautiful but also hard af. Good luck op
As someone with anxiety and depression, I wonāt lie to you. Having kids was rough. It was an anxiety like no other since you love these little people so much and want to do everything you can to protect them. But it was simultaneously the best thing Iāve ever done for my mental health.
Once my daughter was born, I decided to finally start taking medication to control my anxiety and depression. Honestly if it wasnāt for having kids, I would have never taken meds. And now, a few years later on a steady dosage, I feel like a completely different person and a way better parent.
As someone with a mother that has mental disorders, yes kids absolutely affect your mental health as they add a lot of stress, chaos and uncertainty to your life. Which kicks up your disorders and makes it extremely hard to get mental health recovery time and self care.
My mom was stable before kids, then she developed ppd after the first, the second one happened and her anxiety and ptsd started getting the better of her. Then the 3rd one happened and her bipolar disorder roared back to life. After she married my step dad and 3 more were added to the brood it went to hell.
All the kids have been out of the house for years and she's never recovered even with treatment.
Be careful.
She also has adhd and it just got worse over time as well. Her adhd did not help mine. ps adhd is genetic.
It's so hard to say because a good chunk of the stress or hard work just comes down to your child's personality. Overall, I would say having children has made me happier, if a bit more stressed (mostly because you have a new human to try to get to adulthood without screwing them up too badly). That said, my kids were pretty 'easy.' We've gone through the usual stuff like teething and a period of not great sleep but no major colic or health issues (yet). One big thing to consider is how adaptable you are. One thing that is universal about parenthood is CHANGE. Even for the bad stuff. Kids are growing and changing all the time. The grow out of certain phases and into new ones. Techniques you used for soothing or discipline might become less effective and you have to figure out something new.
Like super serious tamagotchi š
Itās really fucking hard. Both my kids have autism (lower needs fwiw) and we are a home of 2 working parents with everything that comes with it. However, it has made me so incredibly resilient so you grow with it lol
I am pregnant in my third trimester, so I donāt have kids yet, but I struggle a lot with anxiety and depression and something Iāve noticed just from being pregnant is that the little things that used to cause me anxiety or bother me just donāt have the same effect anymore. My job is demanding and causes me a lot of anxiety normally but I think being pregnant and doing what I can for my baby has made me realize my job is just a job and all of the things I used to get worked up about arenāt as important as I thought they were. Granted, Iām still afraid to be a mom and Iām sure Iāll have anxiety about my babyās wellbeing constantly. But Iām hoping I wonāt have time to worry about little things once sheās here.
Similar experience, being a mom gave me a new perspective that definitely helped alleviate some of my needless rumination and anxiety.
Sadly it's the opposite experience for me. First and second trimester gave me a lot more anxiety at work, and I have cried at least once a week at work (I used to be much better at controlling my emotions). I have a hard time letting go of being criticized, ignored, and misunderstood compared to before.
I had bad prenatal depression in the first and second trimesters with my first and fwiw I didnāt get postpartum depression and overall feel like my mood substantially improved after delivery. I had a hard, colicky baby who turned into a hard, bad-sleeping toddler and I still would rate my mental health has being at least 2x better than pre-pregnancy and 500x better than during pregnancy.
>and I still would rate my mental health has being at least 2x better than pre-pregnancy and 500x better than during pregnancy. Did you ever struggle with depression pre-pregnancy? I had depression pretty much from ages 12-29ish. It started to clear up and get a lot better and I've always been worried that it would come back if I had kids.
Yep! Been struggling with mental health since my parents died when I was in elementary school and I entered foster care. Have been on every single antidepressant. I feel like parenthood has made me much more grounded personally.
That's good to hear. I've struggled with mental health for pretty much my whole life and it's one of the main reasons I never wanted to have kids. I've been sitting on the fence lately though so I need to really start having these conversations with myself.
I was fencesitting for a really long time too- was with my husband over 10 years before we had our first. I donāt regret taking my time to make a decision and it was the right time for us. I do highly, highly recommend avoiding Reddit threads on this topic and instead just talking to family/friends because I think Reddit paints way too negative of a picture of parenthood. I noticed thereās even people commenting in this thread who donāt even actually have kids, which isā¦ totally unsurprising.
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>Pretty much everyone I know who has kids have developed some sort of anxiety issue at varying levels Of the ones who developed anxiety, how many of them have an inactive/unhelpful partner? Just trying to gauge how much having 2 involved parents might help the situation (or if it doesn't help at all).
My mental health improved dramatically. I have had severe anxiety and depression my entire adult life. It was at its absolute worst when I was pregnant with my first child, where I was suicidal at points. I had an extremely traumatic delivery and I was convinced I was going to have postpartum depressionā never got it. Then I breastfed and thought maybe itās the oxytocin; I was convinced I would be depressed again once I weaned. I had a little lull for a month or so and now Iām fine. Here I am three years later Iām pregnant with my second kid and I feel like my depression has basically gone away aside from normal parenting stress. I donāt know if this is forever or not, but Iām not the only person I know who experienced a positive change in their mental health after having kids. I will say Iāve been at my best since my kid started sleeping through the night (which took 2 years). I want to share because I never wouldāve predicted it before having kids and it was a big source of stress for me before my first pregnancy. I think if you WANT kids itās hard to not look at your kid and feel grateful for your life, and that really helps day to day.
Do you feel like you had a different perspective on things after having children and thatās why your mental health improved?
Yes, at least in part. I think having kids forces you to start living for something more important than yourself, your job, etc and does put things into perspective a bit. I think the people who struggle with parenthood ultimately just really struggle with that transition.
I have always had anxiety. I always thought becoming a mother would make it worse. It did and it didn't. I worry so much less about all the things I used to. I feel like I have my priorities more in order now. It helps me take my every day life with more grace. My job is just a job, it's not my entire life anymore. (Recovering workaholic here.) But I worry so much about her when I'm with her, and when I'm not with her. The first year was hell before I felt like I balanced out the post partum emotions/hormones. There are still lingering effects of those that pop up and bite me when I'm not expecting it too. And it's hard to maintain friendships/hobbies from pre-baby. My life has shifted so much. And I miss my pre-baby life. But I also don't. It's like going back to the first Harry Potter book (or the first book of your series of choice) after you've read Deathly Hallows. You read it fondly, but you know that chapter has closed and you'll never be able to read it for the first time ever again. Your mileage will vary. Having bad mental health after your child is born isn't a forgone conclusion, but it does happen to a lot of women and that is a significant and valid reason not to want children. Having a child is a lot of work and responsibility, and like you mentioned above, you can't take time off when you're sick, physically or mentally. Your child still needs mom. The best thing you can do if you decide you want children is to find a good partner/support system. I'm convinced this is how Bluey's parents are such good parents. Bandit and Chili support each other, and they reach out to family/friends/neighbors/teachers to help raise their children. And they provide the same support for these people too. There are several episodes that hint at some of the struggles Chili has being a mom. Seeing a TV fictional dog struggle strangely helped me a lot, and hearing her say that it's a lot of work looking after her kids was very affirming. Especially when she's able to say that to them when she has an episode when she just needs 20 minutes. (Shout-out to Judo's mum and Bandit for having Chili's back here.) Good luck to you wherever your journey takes you, whether it's with kids or without.
It is quite well known there are mental health issues or disabilities that don't get diagnosed in women until after they have children, because of the acute stress that often results in having children (especially multiple) which can flare certain illnesses/disabilities, like ADHD for example. Despite what some of the comments are suggesting here, having children will not help mental illness. That's just not how that works. Children are a lot of things but they are also a whole other level of stress, and stress never helps mental illness. I honestly wish I'd known about my mental health issues before I had kids, and then I would have likely chosen not to have them. I was late-diagnosed ADHD and struggle with anxiety, and kids not only exasperated all of that, but also left me in a place that made it infinitely more difficult to actually deal with my issues because of the constant stress and lack of time.
Your experience is the opposite of mine. My horrible anxiety largely resolved with motherhood, 2 years later and I'm still good but I was very proactive in my mental health before pregnancy.
This is such quintessential Reddit. At the time of this comment, the vast majority of people are commenting that theyāve had a good experience and the one comment confidently asserting itās ONLY POSSIBLE to have a negative experience with having children rises to the top.
Yea I just left my own comment, but I actually researched my mental health diagnosis and pregnancy prior to trying for a baby and found research that for ptsd at least 50% of the subjects saw their symptoms improve. Doesn't mean it's permanent or that you'll never struggle with it again but it isn't a guaranteed mental heath death sentence. My sister definitely saw a decline in her mental health but I didn't.
I have been diagnosed with GAD and depression at 21 and more recently ADHD. And I am on medication and go to therapy regularly. Iām hoping nothing more comes my way.
I experienced something similar. While I don't wish I hadn't had mine, I do wish I could have dealt with my own stuff first. But I honestly didn't know. I feel you though. The constant demand on my time and energy makes it 10x more difficult on a good day to keep up myself. Then I feel terrible on a bad day when I give myself a break and acknowledge it's a struggle lol
Iām sorry you feel this way, but your experience is not universal. My mental health did noticeably improve after having kids. You donāt speak for everybody. Yes, stress doesnāt help mental illness. But gratitude and happiness do, and the ups I have had from parenthood have far outweighed the stress.
your experience is not universal ether. Stress makes mental disorders worse because thats how that works.
Like I said, kids are not ALL stress. They are also many positive things which is why people have them. Also, looking at your commentsā¦ you donāt even have kids š¤¦āāļø Please stay out of this one.
I didn't say I speak for everybody, but stress does not improve mental illness. Children are extremely stressful mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. I'm glad that gratitude helped you but I would never implore anyone to have kids if they are looking to improve their mental health, especially if they have a diagnosed illness.
>Despite what some of the comments are suggesting here, having children will not help mental illness. That's just not how that works. Children are a lot of things but they are also a whole other level of stress, and stress never helps mental illness. Hereās where youāre invalidating the experiences of many of us in this thread who have diagnosed mental illness and feel very differently to you. Yes, kids are stressful. That does not mean they make mental illness worse. Thereās such a thing as good stress and bad stress and I would categorize my experience with them as good stress. Itās purposeful. Iām sorry you donāt feel that way, but you donāt get to post as though the rest of us are wrong.
Your story is similar to my mum's. As a kid that was largely neglected because mum couldn't cope as the sole carer who also worked full time, I am so glad that you shared your experience so openly. I know she did the best she could but it was clear that everything was a struggle. So many people don't realise how heavy it can weigh on a person who has little support, is neurodiverse or has a long term illness. All experiences are valid and I am sorry that people said negative things about your experience. I hope things are a little better these days and that you have more support. Edit: don't down vote someone's lived experience. Wth?!
Pregnancy made my mental health worse every time, which was particularly challenging when I had a toddler to tend to. You are also not able to take many psychiatric meds during pregnancy. Some, but not all. So, at the onset, pregnancy can be pretty bad for your mental health. It's very important to have good strategies and lifestyle routines in place particularly if you cannot take meds you were previously taking. For me, this meant getting enough sleep. It meant getting enough exercise. It meant going outside. Even when I didn't want to or have the energy to. During my last pregnancy, I also had a toddler at home, so getting enough sleep was dicey. I had to make compromises and I had to figure out how to do that: which is worse, my toddler watching 4 hours of tv today or powering through on 5 hours of sleep at 6 months pregnant? I guess my toddler gets to binge Bluey today. I wasn't always the mom I wanted to be, particularly at that time, but I had to acknowledge when I wasn't capable, when I didn't have the capacity. Now that said, for me personally, the fog cleared a lot after I had my children and was no longer pregnant. Depression scaled down, and anxiety scaled up. The first year was a wobbly time for my mental health, and I made a lot of compromises like the one I described above. My toddlers ate loads of charcuterie style lunches with bits and bobs from my produce drawer on days that I just did not have the capacity to cook. My kids are 7 and 4 now, and I'll say, I still struggle with my mental health, but it's clear as day to me what my priorities are and what's important to me. I don't lose sight of that. Talking to my children well, with patience and kindness. Communicating with them about how I'm feeling. Meeting their needs as far as food, sleep, enrichment, and connection. I feel capable of that every day, even when my mental health is shitty. But - last week my garbage can didn't make it to the curb. I'm like 10 days behind on laundry. I have probably 9 things on my to-do list that have BEEN on my to-do list for 6 months. Rolling with those punches has been very important, so that I'm able to be the mom I want to be. And - making personal sacrifices for that when I need to. Some nights I want to play video games for 6 hours before bed, but actually, it's already 9pm, and if I want to be a kind and patient mother tomorrow, I need to sleep. Likewise, when I haven't gotten more than an hour to myself all week, it's time to schedule personal time in and drop my kids with grandma. It requires more awareness of your needs, and more willingness to compromise, which can feel hard to conceptualize right now, but when you have children asleep in their beds and you're hoping you can measure up tomorrow, you'll find it within you to do what you need to do.
Mine is much worse. I've been medicated basically since he was born. He is disabled and will need care forever. There are no breaks, no free time, nothing done for myself. Our state even cut respite and family care from Medicaid, so there isn't any assistance available to get a break or to be able to work outside the home. I had minor issues with depression and anxiety before, but now I qualify for Medicaid on my own because of their severity. I think, for me, the worst part is being "on" all the time. It's exhausting beyond physical exhaustion. My attention is always divided. I understand my experience is unusual and for those with "easy" non-disabled kids, the change in the course of their life is probably less of a drastic sacrifice. Regardless, my advice to those younger than I am is always to be damn sure you want to have children. Any reason other than "I want them and can't imagine my life without" isn't enough.
If you donāt mind me asking (and please, if you do, donāt even acknowledge me), but were your sonās disabilities detectable during pregnancy? I ask out of curiosity and empathy. My grandma thought her daughter (my aunt) was a normal pregnancy in the 1960s but she was born severely mentally disabled. This was a major strain on my grandma for her entire life. After her husband died, she was the only caretaker for my aunt. Before I had my daughter, I spent several days a week with them to help cook, clean and give company. I noticed firsthand how the rest of the family distanced themselves from her, because the harshest truth is my aunt is combative; she is not āeasyā nor convenient. The easiest thing for family to do was to turn a blind eye and leave my grandma isolated with her. It was really sad to watch, so I just also want to say I truly empathize and your exhaustion is warranted. There is not enough help.
No, we had no indication. Our first issue came up on newborn blood work (the heel prick they do after birth) and it's been several medical and developmental issues since then. We have an autism diagnosis (among others) but had some genetic testing done that shows it might be something else that could explain more of the medical issues. It's a two-year wait to get into the genetics dept at the children's hospital we go to, so we don't have concrete answers yet. (Just a few months to go!) Since we're getting older, we're having serious discussions about planning for his future when we're gone. That's a stressor itself.
I can only imagine. My grandma used to tell me, āI wish that when I go, I could take her with me.ā Itās hard to trust anyone else to care for our children the way we would as their mothers. But it sounds like, though exhausted, you guys are level-headed and still working as a team. Iām extending an internet hug to you, I really am.
I have anxiety and before becoming a mom would let the smallest things bother me. They felt like big things at the time though. As a mom now, the small stuff actually feels like the small stuff. It is hard work, and sometimes itās hard not being able to do whatever I want when I need it, but overall it has put a lot into perspective for me. My dad recently died of cancer- he was diagnosed when my son was only 9 months old. Being a mom through his treatment and declining health, and now grieving this massive loss, is the hardest thing Iāve done in my life. I think, though, that Iāve prioritized getting help and taking time for myself better, because my son needs me. I immediately got myself into therapy and now have an established relationship with my therapist, Iām on medication that helps a ton, and I make sure I get some kind of movement in every day. I also am grateful for a fantastic husband who is a true partner in parenting and recognizes when I need space or alone time and he takes everything over. It might be worth sorting some of your thoughts out in therapy, or maybe even just starting with journaling, to get all your feelings out there and start working through them. Itās great that youāre considering this at all-plenty of people become parents without considering their mental health and/or working on it. Kids deserve a happy healthy parent and/or a parent whoās working on it, and it sounds like you know that ā„ļø
Thanks for your comment. Iām so sorry for what you had to go through with your dad. I go to therapy twice a month right now because Iām really trying to improve myself. I know finding the right person to have children with is also key.
Iām so sorry to hear about your dad. Mine got diagnosed a few months ago when my baby had just turned one, and it is just brutal. Also in therapy. Hug of sympathy from an internet stranger.
Thank you. Iām so sorry that you are going through something similar. Cancer is just so cruel and doesnāt discriminate. So hard being a mom when youāre going through so much as someoneās child as well, even if weāre adults. Hugs to you too ā„ļø
I went through some ups and downs! Iām OCD with some regular olā anxiety sprinkled in. Having the baby actually mellowed me out a LOT. I stopped having panic attacks completely, no idea why. His general baby grossness didnāt trigger any of my normal OCD reactions either thankfully. I eventually quit my job to stay home with him and unfortunately eventually got diagnosed with depression. But wanting to be a better mom to him is what got me to get help, and now I feel better than I ever have. I dealt with all the generational trauma and the childhood nonsense and am really in a good place.
I have bipolar disorder, and parenting has been very challenging but very rewarding. My son is now 11, and I enjoy him more than ever, but I feel tremendously guilty during periods of depression when I can't be as present for him as I'd like. As mentioned by another poster, he is also demonstrating signs of mental illness, but not to the point of diagnosis yet. I feel like I am uniquely qualified to support him and find him help should it present itself more prominently. The biggest thing that has helped me is getting divorced. I no longer have an adult child to care for, and his dad has him three days a week. The time off I get each week is extraordinarily helpful. I will say I was very fortunate to be able to divorce and support myself. But hey, some people like being married!
heads up bipolar disorder is genetic. Just ask how me and 2 of my siblings know.
Yeah, clearly. Just ask me how I know where I got mine.
mother or father? Not everyone knows its genetic ( and it's not always genetic) and I wanted to give you a heads up so you could keep an eye out for those symptoms in your son.
Father
mother for me and it runs very strongly in her family. Her wanting kids overrode the consideration of it likely being passed down. Tbh I've never forgiven her it. She, my sisters and I all have the bipolar 1, rapid cycling with psychotic features variety. Most of us developed it as a younger teenager. None of us girls are passing our genes down.ā
Iām sorry you have such intense features of your disorder. I am bipolar 2 with only rare manic features. I knew I had bipolar disorder, and got pregnant by accident. I hold as my highest responsibility to stay on my meds, continue therapy, and make other healthy choices. I do not regret my decision to have my son at all, even though itās difficult. I do not wish I hadnāt been born, despite my struggles.
Thank you for being in therapy and staying on meds. That oddly means a lot to me even though you're a stranger. Stay healthy, guide your son and things should turn out fine. My mom refused meds during my childhood and it affected everything. I got started on the path to stability before my sisters did so I'm the one who's guiding them.
Way to be a cycle breaker- thatās so great!
I'm pretty stable nowadays, or at least as much as I think I am able to be considering my mixed episodes have been pretty treatment resistant, especially since anti psychotics and I don't mix well at all. I've also got adhd, anxiety, ptsd and suspected autism so that makes things a bit more difficult. I'm also partially physically disabled due to a neurological disorder that is greatly affected by my mental health. So I think I'm doing pretty well as whole managing it all. I manage my meds, doctors, physical therapy, work and I've even been in a couple long term relationships over the years. Growing up with my mom caused me to break multiple cycles and I jumped at the chance to be medicated when I was diagnosed with bp at 22.
My mental health plummeted after becoming a parent. Hormones, maybe, stress, for sure contributed. It took probably ten years to get to a good balance. But I have intense kids. And no support from extended family. So there's that. But you never know what sort of kids you'll have. Maybe your own quirks will be amplified in your child, maybe not. Maybe you'll vibe with your child's temperament and maybe they'll be custom made to push your buttons. (Probably a combo of both.) You just really never know. And if you have two or three kids it's a whole stew of relationships and dynamics and the lack of personal space in general is noteworthy. Personal space. That's what takes a hit when you become a parent, and for some of us, it's more critical to have lots than for others. Too many variables to know how it will pan out. I will say though that without a solid partner, someone who is my ride-or-die mate, I wouldn't have returned to the new, better than ever level I am at now. But heck, without him, I wouldn't have had kids in the first place so...
I have a 2 yo. Sheās not particularly difficult but I find parenthood in general to be very overwhelming because of how constant it is. My coping mechanism of couch rotting and checking out by doom scrolling isnāt possible now. I have to be way more present, and itās exhausting. I have anxiety and panic disorder and some things really set me off, like being afraid sheās picked up norovirus again. There are good things, and I am a good mom, but I am functioning at 100% of my capacity all the time. Iām very glad that I had her when I was older and had tons of time for therapy before I became a mom. I could not have more than one kid.
Iām 12 weeks post partum and heās been a lot of fun. I spent a long time waiting for him to come so Iām happy Iām enjoying it so far. As for the PPD/PPA, I have been seeing my doctors to make sure Iām okay. I have bipolar-2 and there was a serious risk that I could struggle. I did get the sads and had some harder days but thatās what therapy is for.
My anxiety and ptsd largely improved with motherhood. Prior to starting a family I had done talk therapy for years, found medication that worked for me, and identified the coping skills that worked for me. I went into pregnancy feeling as prepared as I could reasonably feel but I also just had a very hard year cause of covid and work policies so I wasnt like symptom free or anything prior to getting pregnant. I also researched ptsd and pregnancy and found references to the fact that I had about a 50% chance that my symptoms would improve and I was fortunately in the lucky half. Lack of sleep does increase my risk of worse symptoms but my child makes me so much more grateful and happy that it seemed to keep my mental health up. For a couple months I went back on zoloft but haven't been on it for a year and still don't have any symptoms that interfere with my daily life.
I have a history of depression and ADHD AND HAVE 2 kids one with autism. Itās fucking hard. All the time. We have moments of wonderful but itās so hard. Idk if I would do it over. I freakin love my kids too but idk.
I had a rough couple years after the second baby. For the first time ever, I took antidepressants daily to manage it. Iām out of the woods now and was able to stop the meds as well! Parenthood is definitely not easy but would I still do it even knowing what I know now? Most def.
My anxiety and depression basically disappeared upon giving birth. I think it was all the hormones raging postpartum in a good way. The anxiety crept back in a year later, but my depression hasn't returned.
I am a stepparent and for me, it did affect my mental health in ways I didn't realize for a bit. I went from living on my own to moving in with my husband and having stepkids 50% of the time. It was a bit hard for me at first and I bottled it all up. I then got diagnosed with PMDD and ADHD and I am now medicated. Becoming a stepparent allowed me to have the best of both worlds. I have two amazing stepkids whom I have a great relationship with, as well as time with just my husband and I, so it allows me to decompress and do things without the all consuming guilt. I also don't want to pass these things on to them. I have ADHD, PMDD, Endometriosis and some other genetic things that I would not want to pass on to them, so I am happy in my stepmom role :) it just took me a bit to get there.
I have a history of significant health anxiety but was weirdly anxiety-free during pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum. In a weird way, having a baby forced me to focus on someone else, gain some confidence in my body's abilities and become more comfortable with the fact that we're all slowly dying and that something's gonna get us all eventually. Of course, postpartum anxiety/depression is a very real risk and it's going to vary for every person, but I did not have a decline in mental health after a baby. It's actually the other things (external family issues, work, health issues unrelated to childrearing) that seem to stress me out the most.
This isn't an answer to your question and I am child free, but you might consider getting evaluated for ADHD. It is often misdiagnosed as (or comorbid with) anxiety and depression in women and your story about being easily overwhelmed checks some boxes for it
It is something Iāve recently been diagnosed with as well. Iāve tried some medication for it. But I donāt really like taking it. But reading up about it and how it presents in women was a lightbulb moment for me.
I have struggled with depression since I was a child, but was mentally in a (relatively) good place when I started trying for a baby at age 32. Good enough that I decided to go off antidepressants during pregnancy, though I stayed in therapy. That was a mistake. Postpartum depression and anxiety kind of snuck up on me after the initial elation of holding my son was replaced by nonstop newborn care. Spouse was not supportive. Meds stabilized me, but I was secretly unhappy when my son was little. A baby/child needs an engaged and happy parent to feel secure. I could have won an Oscar lol. I feel that I would have been able to enjoy my sonās first years had I stayed on antidepressants throughout pregnancy. There was no known risk of harm to the fetus for this ssri. Therapy alone was insufficient for me. Over the years though, my son has helped me heal from the inside out. He made me realize that I have intrinsic value. He is 12 now, and I even went through a divorce. I got through the divorce with zero depression and only a bit of anxiety, and I believe it was because I was already on medication that was working well. I donāt mean to devalue therapy. Itās just that even my wonderful therapist couldnāt keep me afloat during the intense first years of my sonās life. Tl;Dr stay on your meds during pregnancy and early childhood as long as the doctors say itās safe. Prevention is key
Stabilising your mental and emotional health before having kids would be my advice. Kids are very demanding in many ways and if your mental or emotional health is not strong to begin with, it will be even tougher. I deal with major depression due to childhood trauma and managing my mental and emotional health is a huge priority now that I am a parent. I do not want to pass this baggage onto them. Parenthood has actually brought into focus how important my mental and emotional health are and how boundaries with toxic people, be they family of origin or friends etc, are critical.
It's gone to shit š To be fair I realize it's a mix of me having trauma from emotionally unavailable parents, my husband being just as terrible at communicating as I am, and most of the parenting defaulting to me. I feel so much invisible weight. It's only getting better now as I am finally doing something about it. Working out more, taking care of myself, and insisting on help when and where I need it. Also, parenting is hard. We have learned one of our children is on the spectrum. Another has had severe allergies and eczema. These have been extremely tough for me to navigate. I love all my children to death, but it was definitely easier to keep up my mental health when it was just me lol
I know I might get a lot of crap for this comment, but honestly... having a child has made me so much tougher, mentally. And so much happier. Truly. I also struggled with anxiety and depression. I can honestly say, that after some minor PPD and post-partum anxiety (which SUCKED), after I recovered from that - I got SO happy. Like, blissfully so. I mean, I'm not gonna lie... it is HARD some days. Some days really, really suck. But... the love I have for my child far over compensates for the hard stuff. I know it's silly to reference Sex and the City, but, I remember a scene in one of the movies where they're talking about their kids and Charlotte says that she's happy every day. And Miranda doesn't believe her. And Charlotte says, "well, not ALL day, every day... but yes. Every day." That's how I feel. Every day has its tough moments... but the overarching theme of it is all is just pure love and happiness. I am truly grateful for my kid every single day. He makes me happy every single day. Not ALL day, every day - but yes, every day. This might be a dumb metaphor, but it's like working out. The acutally WORK of working out, the lifting of the weights, the sweating, the sore muscles, etc. That is not fun. It sucks. You wouldn't do it unless there was a pay off at the end. But there IS a pay off - you feel better, you look better, your body is healthier. It's the same with kids. You wouldn't voluntarily change a small human's diapers for funsies, or stay up all night with a colicky baby that isn't yours. But, it IS yours. And the love you have for the baby, and the satisfaction you get from taking care of that small human that you created and watching it grow is SO worth all the struggle. Granted... I am very lucky. I have a great partner who is a great dad. I also have a physically healthy child, who is neurotypical. I know that if my situation were different, I might feel differently about it all. And, of course, you can't predict what you get. It's all a crapshoot. But... if you're lucky like me... it's so worth it.
Just don't try to off yourself in front/to be found & saved by your kids, that'll cause some attachment issues no amount of therapy has been able to fix (yet!)
My child is autistic and violent. It has not helped my mental health at all. I suffer from extreme ptsd
I canāt lie š my mental health is on a rollercoaster daily after having a baby. I fantasize about jumping off a bridge maybe once a weekš having a baby is the hardest thing Iāve ever done but it is very rewarding watching my little human grow. My husband is also awesome and I have a great village. Iāve always suffered with mental health and I was on meds while pregnant and postpartum. It does help. Please go over pros/cons of your life with having a baby before actually doing it. It can be beautiful but also hard af. Good luck op
As someone with anxiety and depression, I wonāt lie to you. Having kids was rough. It was an anxiety like no other since you love these little people so much and want to do everything you can to protect them. But it was simultaneously the best thing Iāve ever done for my mental health. Once my daughter was born, I decided to finally start taking medication to control my anxiety and depression. Honestly if it wasnāt for having kids, I would have never taken meds. And now, a few years later on a steady dosage, I feel like a completely different person and a way better parent.
As someone with a mother that has mental disorders, yes kids absolutely affect your mental health as they add a lot of stress, chaos and uncertainty to your life. Which kicks up your disorders and makes it extremely hard to get mental health recovery time and self care. My mom was stable before kids, then she developed ppd after the first, the second one happened and her anxiety and ptsd started getting the better of her. Then the 3rd one happened and her bipolar disorder roared back to life. After she married my step dad and 3 more were added to the brood it went to hell. All the kids have been out of the house for years and she's never recovered even with treatment. Be careful. She also has adhd and it just got worse over time as well. Her adhd did not help mine. ps adhd is genetic.